My break was amazing. After spending christmas with my family I flew back to tanzania with my mom to do Kilimanjaro and the serengeti together. Kilimanjaro is easily in the top 3 most difficult things I've ever done. Physically it isn't that demanding, but it is a long uphill 3 day slog where you're constantly out of breath and your heart is pounding as fast as it will go. You're bound to ask yourself some questions about what the hell you are doing, especially during the last vertical kilometer where it's a 45 degree pitch of sinking sand and gravel. The sun started to come up just as I was turning around from the summit, and I was shocked to see what I had come up in the night. I seriously doubt I could have done it had I been able to see what was ahead. Much better at night when you keep your head down, use your head lamp, and take just one. step. at. a. time.

Our tour company was fantastic. Basecamp tanzania, based in arusha. Very personal, very reliable.

My mom and I headed back to rwanda where I had to go back to work. I felt really bad leaving her alone all day but she did really well. Much better than I expected of someone who would rather sleep in her car than a super 8.

But all of that is just background. The real story is about me. Me me me. I am doing really, really well. Mentally, I mean. I have regained a lot of perspective on work, rwanda, peace corps, and life in general. Hopefully it lasts a little while. I really got sucked into sweating the small stuff, and I'm not gonna do that anymore.

I was especially stressed about getting robbed, and I am dead certain it is going to happen again, but my mom helped me get my new house all settled and that helps a lot. I used to worry about constantly being stuck between negative decisions, but I've got to try to let that go. You do your best with what you control, and the rest is fate. I was even begrudging the time that passed because I thought that I wasn't where I ought to be. But screw that, the adventure is great. I'll get into school. I'll find another job. It's stupid to worry about how far along you are when still have no idea where you are going.

I get stressed that work is going so slowly, but I forgot that the whole reason that I'm doing this is so that I can get a better picture of development work to see if I like it or not. I feel pointlessly trapped in my office sometimes, but free time at work is an important luxury, not a curse. I can do better.

So, yeah.

I had a really good time with mom. Enjoyed some once in a lifetime epic experiences. Stress is down; life is looking up. I have problems, and I will handle them.

My family is great. I really missed them. I think this has been the best christmas ever. Todd even drove down just for the day.

I really needed to come home. I did not realize how burned out I was. Floating somewhere off the end of my rope. I think the whole breakup thing did a number on me. It was just really bad timing. But now I'm home and I'd forgoten how much I love america. I think I even need it a little. Things are a little different from when I left. Or maybe I'm a little different. Some more. Internet pretty much seems to be everywhere. In the air. I miss that. And the food! I've had about 6 meals every day since I got back. Our fridge is so full sometimes I get kind of dazed when I open it and forget what I wanted in the first place. I tried to go to walmart with a long list of things for resupply and walked out with just a refridgerator lightbulb. I'm not used to having so many choices. I have to individually inspect every item, and I'm not even in the right part of the store. Or at least I'm probably not, because I forget what I'm looking for again.

I got a new travel guitar for christmas! Thank god! I can't play a single song, but it really broke my heart when I lost that.

I went to the mall to try to find strings, and I'd walk into a store and immediately start talking to the first person I see about who I am and why I'm there. They seem less interested than usual.

I'm used to making eye contact with everyone. They're already staring usually, and I meet so many people that definitely remember me that I have to be able to fake remembering them on a moment's notice. Well that weirds people out here too.

That's it. I'm still feeling really wound up but I'm starting to relax. I'd completely lost my perspective. Another world exists, here, still, always. I really got sucked into africa. That's good if you can handle it, but I guess I couldn't. Not really. Not long term unbroken like that.

More than that I'm realizing that my life will go on, as simple as it sounds. I will be in worlds completely apart, and in times beyond what I've seen so far. I let this one get in my head too much.

I think I'll actually be able to enjoy my last year of service. I mean really enjoy it. I could not see that before. I would never have quit, but keeping on sure seemed grim. I can't take things so seriously. Nothing lasts.

As of this week I've been in rwanda longer than I was in mauritania. I don't know why this bothers me but it does. I guess I've been rolling a lot of the whole mauritania thing into my identity. I wonder if that was just me or if it's a natural peace corps thing. I guess I should be grateful for the reminder to keep my identity small.

It's encouraging how good mauritania looks in retrospect; I know it continually pushed the limit of what I could bear. The rotten parts sublimate from the memories, leaving behind the skeleton of something romantic. I need to learn to separate the two as they happen.

It's encouraging because I don't like how I've changed since coming here. I feel bitter and angry all the time. I don't even know why. At nothing. At anything. The things that used to fill me with sympathy now fill me with disgust. I feel cheated, but I don't know of what. What was I entitled to? A happy ending? I'm becoming harder. I say that I feel like I've been poisoned by hate. What I should be saying is that I've allowed myself to be poisoned by hate. I just wasn't strong enough to keep it out.

Ascribing my psychological ills to something I don't control is unhealthy. If I am suffering that way it is because some sick part of me thinks that I should.

I should write more. It helps.

They say that Mauritania had the reputation for being the hardest country to serve in, a title inherited from chad when it closed down, and passed on to... somewhere. Don't know. I'll ask around. Niger? They lengthened the scale on every axis to put mauritania further away from Rwanda. National culture, volunteer culture, nutrition availability and physical comfort, illness, population density, climate, religious observance, program direction. Rwanda is every bit as difficult mentally as mauritania was physically.

Tuesday was my 420th day in rwanda- the same number of days that I was in Mauritania (probably).

Tuesday morning I got a call on my way to work. I had spent the night at a friend's and one of my neighbors (probably) took the opportunity to dig through my bedroom wall. I used to read to their kids. I leave for the office at 7 and get back at 7 and I'm tired but they're curious and I figure okay, isn't this why I'm here?

When we first arrived in rwanda the staff did their best to give us a primer on the culture so that we could better integrate. They made a big deal about how important the relationship between abaturanyi (neighbors) was. As important as family, supposedly. Well so far the only time I have seen someone reach out his hand to his neighbor was to put a knife in his back.

This is not the first time that this has happened to me. I remember in mauritania one of the pulaar vocabulary words was for a "metaled stone". I laughed. Was I very likely to encounter a metaled stone during my stay? And need to talk about it? Really? Then one day I came home to find a metaled stone sitting next to a hole in the side of my house. Ah.

I lost all of my pictures. They got my external hard drive. Bastards. They stole my guitars too. When we got our move in allowance I spent a big chunk on one. Then one of my friends gifted me her (much nicer) guitar since she was leaving. I'm determined to learn and I'd been practicing every day. Some day I'm going to be like eric clapton. I'll know I'm there when I can command animals using only my guitar.

The rest of the stuff they took is replaceable. Anything that can be sold, basically. Camera, radio, phone, etc. Some cash. Hiking bag. A bunch of my nicer clothes. Shoes. They even killed the half box of orange juice I had on my table. A hard night's work, I guess.

I should have known. Someone stole a bunch of stuff through the window while I slept earlier this month and I've been hearing footsteps outside at night, but they're always gone by the time I get out there. I put cans on my windows and door and set strings in the yard so I would know where people come and go. Everywhere. Moving out was easy, at least. My organization has been really amazing and put me in a pretty decent room the same day. I even have a shower with hot water in my room. Fancy. That helps a lot.

I'm doing my best to let go of hate. The trouble is I really want to hate them. I think deep down it's like a prayer to the devil. Get these bastards. But you give up something doing that, and he probably doesn't even do it. It isn't worth it.

I just have to come to grips with the fact that that stuff is gone.

I'm going home for christmas, and not a moment too soon. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted. I just can't muster the energy to insulate myself from the grinding any more. I spent the last 2 months eating 1 meal a day to get back in the black, and when I finally do someone swipes everything. Now I'm down a bunch of money and my costs have soared because I don't have access to cooking facilities. I can't figure out what I did to deserve that but maybe karma works backwards in time and I'm about to do something really terrible. Probably to a thief.

I can't wait to get out of this place. At the same time, I actually really my work and I want things to work out. It's just taxing not having a safe place to sleep. Hopefully when I get back I'll be refreshed and re-energized and ready to tackle a new community. My Fourth! Sixth if you count training. We'll see.

So last night someone jumped my wall and stole a bunch of things from my friend's bag through the window. Cell phone, credit cards, camera, etc. Who carries their credit cards with them in rwanda? There's nowhere to use them. Luckily, there's nowhere to use them, so they're pretty safe.

In the morning we called the local officials and went to visit the police. We know there is no chance of seeing any of that again, but it's a sign of respect. People really get bent out of shape if they hear second hand about something like that happening in their territory. The umuyobozi w'umudugudu, anastas, came to our house immediately and looked at the window through which the offender's arm had passed. Yup, open. He offered his condolences and gave us directions to the police station. He seemed like a pretty good guy.

The proprietaire is putting up a kitchen outside, and I kind of suspect the workers. I don't know them, though, and anastas thought they were on the level. Instead it was probably "les sales gamins". I told him I thought a 9 foot wall is a bit high for a gamin.

We made our way to the local police post in gisozi. On the whole I was extremely impressed with the professionalism there. They acted very interested and never once told us how stupid we were for keeping valuables next to an unlocked window. They did tell us that we really need to get a guard, though, and don't believe that I really don't have the money for that. One of them even came back to the house with us to try to badger some of the workers into giving something up. There is absolutely nothing to go on, though. I'm pretty sure that if I showed up at a police station in columbus and no one has died, there is no way they would show that much interest. So I appreciate the effort. They didn't even ask me for money. Not that I expected them to, but in other places I've been police work was much more entrepreneurial. It's rare to be confronted by a striking lack of corruption.

The crappy thing is that I heard something around 3 in the morning, but I thought it was just this obnoxious cat that gets stuck inside my yard and ignored it.

Anyway, yeah, that happened. Lesson learned. In the future I'm sleeping with my shoes next to my bed.

So kigali is great. There's more going on socially than I have the energy for and the kimironko market has crazy things like mushrooms, broccoli, and celery.

Unfortunately the move caught my wallet by surprise. I ended up way, way over budget for november, which put me down for october, and so on, and so on. I'm getting it under control but for the time being there are some austerity measures in effect. I can afford 1 meal a day and meat is out of the question maybe for as long as I live here. Sigh. It makes me tired. Kigali is a bit more expensive than kibuye. A bag of charcoal actually costs double here what it costs there, which blows my mind. I think a lot of other volunteers' lives are heavily subsidized by astronomical training per diems. And by living at the offices where they work. Not that that's desireable in any way, but my commute costs me about 25k a month, which is a lot when you've already spent 50k of this month's money to get through last month. Like I said though, I think I'm getting it under control. In any case, when they return, 3rd year volunteers get an extra 100 bucks per month for that third year, so I figure if I have to dip into that so that I can eat meat a couple times a week it's worth it. Stress is through the roof. All work and no play makes jack shed bits of his sanity. I can't wait to go home. I wanted to wait until april, but I know my sanity can't take it.

It turns out I really like CHF. Everyone there is still great, and their work is still meaningful. Plus I'm getting a much much better idea of how to direct my graduate studies. Getting up to speed is progressing slowly. I feel like I'm gradually getting sucked in to a maelstrom of rapidly passing crises. I don't mind because I'm eager to be useful, but I wonder if that kind of tempo will get old eventually. Every once in a while something I know a little about gets involved and I get some days of solid work. Other times I used to just sit and read government strategy documents about OVCs and PLHAs. Boring. That's done now, though, that I finally have enough information to start work on the database. I have a rwandan co-worker who has the main responsibility for the outcome of the database, but he is firmly in the center of said maesltrom. I'm doing almost the entire OVC part, which I'm hoping will be ready before I go home for christmas.

It's weird being here amongst other NGO bazungu. I don't really fit in with them.

Everyone who knows me already knows, but I figure I should write about it anyway. I extended my contract with the Peace Corps so that I can spend a year working with CHF's M&E team. For the most part I'll be helping them develop their database and then train the users.

I think that I might really like the development work field. I chose Monitoring & Evaluation (M&E) because it fits my skill set (I can design and implement a database), and because of its ability to influence the effectiveness of a program. The field seems to be changing for the better, and I think there might be opportunity in being a part of that change. That's a lot of seeming and thinking; hopefully this experience will allow me to know. Also they put me up in a pretty solidly "middle class" (for rwanda) house, which is nice too.

It turns out that I'm not only getting a general view of the field, but I am also seeing an example of how a (possibly, in my naive opinion) high quality program gets off the ground. Most of the program documents are still settling into their final versions and it's exciting to see the processes that create the processes.

I am also very lucky in that the staff here seems excellent. You know that coworker you've got that is catty, mean, constantly negative, dangerously incompetent, or just a general waste of space? Yeah, I haven't met him yet. People are going out of their way to make sure I feel like I am part of the group, which I really appreciate. It's a small team, so individual impact is high, and they seem pretty introspective about how things are done, which is encouraging.

Three weeks ago I was a debutant, but this is what I think is going on:

The basic focus of the program is to support orphans and vulnerable (poor, aids infected, child head of household, etc) children and their families by providing school fees; and economic, agricultural, psychosocial, and medical training & support. In addition, all this is to be done through local partner NGOs. We train the NGOs and local officials so that someday, hopefully, they can do this on their own. We get money from PEPFAR through USAID, who requires us to monitor and report certain information (mostly raw output- how many people have we helped in any way, how many people attended a training, etc). The USAID reqs don't seem to include much in the way of long term impact (did you actually help anyone or did you just pay some kids school fees for a couple years); that seems to be by and large left up to the NGO. We try to find this out by gathering additional information (that's the M&E part), but there is a balance to be found since every additional indicator costs time and money. There are some standard, statistically sound methods that need to be followed, and I am suddenly wishing that I had paid better attention in my stats classes.

Should it turn out that I do like what I'm doing, then I'll need to go back to school for a while (a masters seems to be the minimum). So another important benefit of staying will be identifying a niche & meeting people at various stages on that potential career track. Then hopefully get some pro's and con's of different areas of study.

I have kind of a strange confluence of degrees (french & computer engineering), and it's funny that I ended up using them both. Didn't expect that.

It's sort of hard to commit to another year of subsistence pay when I've got nothing in the bank and substantial student loan debt; I've met some very well off people my age who have made it a ways down the career path I am looking at. But whatever. I might regret some of the tradeoffs, but I don't regret my choices.

Unrelated-

This stands out just for its attempt at a balanced nature.

The rafting company in Uganda had a bungee tower. The four of us jumped before the rafting trip. It was terrifying and I want to do it again. And I will, every time the opportunity presents itself. More than the adrenaline rush, there's something liberating in coming to terms with the fact that 'I might be jumping to my death right now', and then jumping as far as you can.

In our boat there was an adventurous upper-management type. He was on vacation with his whole family, including his 12 (ish?) year old daughter. They waited while we rafted. She had pink streaks in her hair. After we got back from rafting she begged him to let her jump; the company refused because she was so young. They had to go tandem, which obviously took some convincing. They jumped. After that she convinced him to pay for her to go again and again, and they let her jump alone.

Later on she was talking about how high it was (44 m) and wasn't he afraid? He used to be a rock climber. It was something he loved to do, more than anything else. She asked him if he had ever climbed as high as that and he said yes, it actually wasn't that high. She asked him why he stopped. One day he and his climbing friends were doing their thing, on a sheer cliff about three times that height. He rounded the top and just has he was preparing for his descent, he looked down and was paralyzed by fear. It took his friends six hours to talk him down.

But why? Why was he afraid, she asked? He got embarrassed. Ran his hands through his hair and looked at the river. He didn't know, but that was the last time he climbed. He sold all his gear after that.

Seeing them interact, it was obvious. Her not understanding, and his lack of regret.

Don't know why I thought of this.

It's a new month! And that means we get paid! Being a newly minted hundredaire, I decided to go out and live it up a little. I went to the expo.

The moment I walked in and saw the lonely go-kart in a tiny barricaded corner of the parking lot, I knew I should have brought my camera. 500 to ride. It drew a crowd. On the way out I saw they'd added a few atv's that looked like they could easily run down the metal barriers. Too bad I missed that.

As far as I can tell the international part really only meant east africa, but what do you expect? It was still neat to see tourist schlock from the different countries. There was even an egyptian booth complete with camel pillows and arabic engraved trinkets. It took me a little while to convince myself I still don't need a camel saddle. (Possibly decorative? I don't know. It was rather ornate and I don't know a lot about camel saddle quality.)

There was a huge police presence, which made me feel simultaneously safe and unsafe. The whole place had a strange aspiring carnival atmosphere that made it slightly higher energy without being seedy. There was even one of those things that spins a bunch of chairs on a long chain, and a couple bounce houses. There were a couple of the stage-trucks that the local cell phone companies like to drive around the country trying to get people to come up and dance for t-shirts. I've always really wanted a shirt but I never had the guts. I figure it would tarnish my protective veneer of professionalism and muzungu-ness, anyway. I was there in the morning so nothing going on on the stages, but a significant number of booths were pumping out a pretty even layer of overlapping music, so there's that.

I'd say the expo was about 70% trade fair. It was interesting to see all the things that are made here. A lot of mineral, plastic, ceramic, and foam products. Rwanda could use a rare-metals refinery. Then there was maybe 10% co-op stuff, 10% flea market, 10% local restaurants, 2% kmart parking lot carnival. Since most expos only have 100 percents, I'd say that's a pretty good deal you get for the 500 franc entry fee.

The trade fair part would be a huge help to me if I was in a position to buy anything. But I'm not. The booths should get a 12 month spot on the expo's web site, I think. Then it could be like trade directory, and sort of an ad for the expo. That sort of thing might not be needed for rwandans, since their brother-in-law's friend's cousin works at the factory; but as a muzungu if I needed to get quotes for a ton of whatever, I might not know where to go.

I replaced my sandals that broke (curse you chaco, that's twice in two years!) with a fancy leather pair. If I'm around I'll make a point of going to the expo from now on. Though that will likely add up to zero times.

Today is two years since I first swore in to Peace Corps!

Every volunteer has a different experience but we all follow more or less the same emotional cycle. They even give you a graph when you first join and it's frequently a comfort to look at it when you're low and see that you're right where they told you you'd be. You don't feel so alone and you don't have to feel like it's due to your personal failures.

A more accurate graph would follow the same basic trend but hit the top and bottom of the scale twice every day. I was in the mid-service crisis area when we got evacuated and my roller coaster car jumped the tracks.

The lows can really grind you down if you don't find a way to change. So far it's been overwhelmingly positive. The individual moments seemed about an eternity long, but together they passed in two hot minutes. I feel about 10 years older. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. Two years.

I can't wait for the new group to come. They have so much ahead of them. Hopefully I'll have the chance to meet them and help out with stage. We'll see.

When I moved into my place I bought a really cool woven banana leaf chair (so cheap too!). A few months ago I got a rash on my butt that later strangely spread to the backs of my knees and under my forearms. Now it makes sense that it is all the parts of me that touch the chair but at the time I was just confused.

Well a few weeks after that my face started to itch and then later my whole body. After I woke up one morning with one of my eyes swollen shut I figured out it was bed related and freaked out.

I soaked some of my clothes in boiling hot water, the rest I put into the oven for a while. I poured boiling water all in the cracks of my bed frame and emptied four cans of pesticide into my room. So add a cough to the itching. Then I put my mattress out in the sun for about a week before finally abandoning it for a different one.

Now I spend most of every night getting paranoid about every sensation. Do I itch? Is something eating my face again? Psychological harm included, easily the 4th or 5th most uncomfortable I have ever been. I still think one of my eyes is more closed than the other.

Ellie's circuit breaker

English class isn't going so great. I've been stood up 5 times in a row now. I even started tracking people down and nagging them. Of course they all say they will come but then they don't come. Everyone likes the idea of learning a new language, but popularity drops off once you get to actually doing the work. I want to switch to computers instead but no one is willing to admit that they have given up. We just keep scheduling English classes that no one comes to. Yesterday when no one came I found one of them in the computer lab and I asked if they wanted to have an English or computer lesson. They said yes and continued to sit there, suckling on the warm glow of mass media. At the end of the hour I left. I'm not sure what to do now. For now I am at least going to insist on starting earlier in the day. I think the classes are starting too late. No one wants more work after work.

Kibuye on market day

I'm not sure what day it is. Maybe it isn't even April. A few of us went up to Gisenyi to visit a PCV nearby for a couple nights. I am feeling really burned out lately. Minor things that should not get to me are really getting to me, and I am constantly fatigued. Apparently I have a little sleep apnea. I wonder how much that's a contributor. I foolishly took no pictures while I was in Gisenyi. So here's one of ze boat. It's actually less seaworthy than it looks. The termite holes don't help.

On the plus side I'm getting to be a very good swimmer.

Now I'm in Nyanza. Tomorrow I'm going to help give a session on "how to be a successful volunteer" (whatever that means) and then the day after on teaching ICT and community assessment. I hope they go ok. I bought fabric so that I can get another hoodie made at our sweet tailor here in town, but first I need to corner one of the LCF's for vocab. The tailor only speaks Kinyarwanda. Really hard to get across that I want the zipper on the other side, but whatever.

Third year stuff isn't looking that great anymore but that might be just because I'm at a low point right now. I hope it turns around. Maybe I'm not getting enough exercise. It looks like OLPC might have fallen through, which leaves me with the PCV/L thing. Not exactly a solid lead. I'm kind of disappointed about the OLPC thing. Really disappointed. They sent an intern to meet with my program director. I speak French fluently and enough Kinyarwanda to get by, I have a degree in computer engineering, I've spent the last two years teaching computers in Africa, and I offered to work for free if they can provide a roof. I can't figure out who they're holding out for. Maybe they're looking for someone with a stronger education background. I don't know.

I broke a hammer. Two, actually.

I'm starting to have doubts about whether or not I am ready for an MBA program but if (when) I end up back in America, that's now my number one plan.

Well our boat sinks. On the plus side the matter of captainship is solved. It's whoever has the best hat. That's me at the moment. I spent a dollar on a pound of cotton and three dollars on a chisel that already fell apart. I'll use the chisel to bang the cotton between the boards. Being a captain is a heavy responsibility.

Mark and I got roped into teaching a class less than a week before it began. Originally it was to be 40 hours over 2 weeks, then 40 hours over 1 week, then 40 hours over 3.5 days. Next time they do that I am going to refuse. Luckily though, no one seemed to really care what all we covered, so we just cut it down to an essay and a presentation. So that's good. It actually went pretty well I think, despite the initial stress of letting go of the initial (impossible) requirements of the class.

This week is spring break for KHI, and also genocide memorial week. I guess if you take part in any "entertainment or amusement activities" then it's like you are a genocide denier. Culturally that is odd to me. You'd think now of all times you would especially need an outlet. But I guess people different places deal with things different ways. I think I am going to end this break more stressed than I began it, which is pretty fucking stressed. I really need a break. I should have gone to Uganda. I don't think most people here really appreciate how difficult it is living in a foreign culture and language.

I'm pretty sure a lot more has happened but I forgot to write about it.

Our adult class is down to just three students, but they're really serious about it. So that's good.

Thanks for the pizza kit mom! I made pizza cutters out of a can lid and some spoons and a nail.

The timing for me is sort of up in the air. I am trying to apply to a business school for when I get back so really everything depends on that. Plans B and C are the Foreign Service or trying to use my NCE to find work in DC (ugh).

Anyway, as I see it I have a few options for staying:

-I can (probably not really) move to Kigali and work for OLPC full time. This is my favorite one but the chances are slim to none. PC requires the partner NGOs to provide housing as sort of a quid pro quo and even if you have the money it’s hard to take that kind of risk on someone you barely know. I would do a good job for them though. I mean I would straight up run that place if they let me. They are working on something that combines everything that I like about Peace Corps. They are working with little kids, which is fun; computers, which is interesting; and teachers, which is impactful. It’s really exciting. I dreamed about it when I was in Mauritania, I can’t say it wasn’t on my mind when I came to Rwanda, and now I’m here. Ah well. I am going to do this but my involvement will probably have to be limited because of circumstances.

-I can apply to be what is called a PCV/L and give support to other Education PCVs. This would allow me to have a bigger part in training (which I am not in at all this time around for reasons which are very mysterious and frustrating to me). I talked with my director about this and he said that while Kigali is out I could possibly move to a more central location (ie. Gitarama). I am really unenthusiastic about moving, but if it meant (it would) I could commute to Kigali one day a week I would be for it. In general I would be able to do a 50/50 split between PCV/L stuff and a partner NGO. That means if there is an OLPC installation in my town then I could still spend half my time working with them. That might provide the best of both worlds, as long as my APCD can find a way to convince the ministry to put some computers close enough that I can get at them. I wouldn’t have to move, I wouldn’t have to entirely leave the place that I am assigned to, and I could still have something more interesting to dedicate my time to.

-I can stay in Kibuye and keep doing what I am doing. I don’t really think that I am changing anything beyond the incremental education that I am providing as a teacher, but I guess there is still always the second and third goal stuff. I tend to forget those but they are just as important as the assistance that we are providing. Anyway I am at least comfortable here.

I know it’s really unlikely that OLPC will take me on but you don’t get what you don’t ask for, so I asked. I’ve actually been really presumptive with both OLPC and PC. I hope it isn’t putting anyone off. You have to apply to extend for a 3rd year and then you have to be nominated to be a PCV/L and I’ve been sort of planning like I could have it if I wanted, which isn’t necessarily the case. I basically just emailed OLPC out of the blue and have probably been riding the line between being invited and inviting myself to work with them. I really want this to happen though and no one is going out of their way to hand me anything. I hope people at least appreciate the initiative if it bothers them.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I am going to do for my third year. I guess I can extend for any amount of time I want. Up to even 13 months. I guess if I do that then PC forces me to take a month leave in the US. Probably to head off any nervous breakdowns or something. That would be nice. To visit the US I mean, not the breakdown thing. I don’t really know how long I want to stay for; I just know that I want to stay. It takes that entire first year just to get your bearings and figure out how to get anything done. That’s why PC is 27 months and why “service vacations” are rarely effective. You lack the cultural context to frame things in a way that they will be well-received, and really that first year is just you screwing things up. A lot. So even though I am approaching the 27 month mark with PC, I have only been in Rwanda for 6. I might be happy with that if this were just something where I was putting in my time, but it isn’t really. I like what I’m doing. It’s hard and fun. I’m not really the kind of person who can be happy if I have to approach my work that way. Whiling away the hours I mean. I could have left after Mauritania, but I didn’t really feel like I was done. I still don’t, and I’ve decided to stay.

So like I said I finally got to see OLPC’ training. I love what they do. I arranged to meet them in front of KIST and they swooped me up before heading out to a private school in Nyamirambo. There is one main road heading out that way and it is under construction right now, so we had to go way out of our way to get there without going through back streets. The private schools here are sort of backwards compared to America, where if you have the money you pay for a better education. For the most part here the public schools are better and are (mostly) free, but if you aren’t smart enough or dedicated enough or lucky enough then you might lose your spot and have to pay for a private school. The school where we went was obviously well funded though. The ministry will provide the laptops to the public schools where there is to be a laptop program, but the private schools must purchase their own. I went in a bunch of different classrooms and looked at the lessons that were on the chalkboards. Those kids are learning some hard stuff! I was impressed.

At that particular school they were doing two trainings that day, one for the students and one for the teachers. The classes are still in the first few weeks so they are mostly just familiarizing everyone with the XOs (the laptops). For the kids the focus was mainly fun, and for the teachers it was “what in the curriculum can we teach with this corner of the XO’s functionality”.

I am glad they are actually dedicating class time to this and not just throwing the computers at the schools. I think sometimes people magically expect computers to make things better. If anything though they make teaching more difficult, especially if your vision is only to keep doing the same chalk + talk / copy + regurgitate type teaching that is traditionally done. It is definitely worth the trouble to get kids in front of computers as early as possible, don’t get me wrong. But their real value is for research and collaboration; you can pick something you don’t know about, and work on it together. I wonder if they’ll have the connectivity for that, or if it will even be stressed. There is a lot of overhead with such complicated tools, and there is bound to be disappointment if you don’t really understand what you’re getting that makes that worth it. I dunno.

Last weekend Julie Ann and Ashley had their b-day parties at our house. It got really hectic and there were way too many people for me, bu tit was a good time. It’s the kind of thing I’d hate going to but since it was at my house I could always just escape to my room. I got to see a bunch of the Mauritanian vols again.Another volunteer broke her leg, so she moved in last weekend. Her site is on top of a mountain and the only way up is feet or moto, and a thigh to foot cast sort of rules both out. She’s been sort of struggling ( like anyone else) so we make fun of her that she threw herself off her mountain to get sent home, but really she just slipped on some wet cement. Anyway she has no one to take care of her or get her food or anything so now she lives with us.Oh, also we got a boat. No joke. Apparently the traditional method involves no sealant or anything. They just hammer some cotton between the planks and go. I spent a morning trying to find something suitable but there is really nothing but silicone caulk and pvc glue, neither of those are going to last. So that and the fact that they broke up and bigger, much older boat to make our smaller one means that our boat leaks like a sieve. Luckily I just got my birthday box (2.5 mos in the mail!) and it includes a fishing pole, a book on how to swim, and some vibram five-fingers. These freaky shoes are awesome for the lake, so thanks mom! Maybe a smidge too small, but still. Awesome. Last thing, I finally got to see OLPC’s training this week. Actually, that’s a new entry.

So once again I’ve clearly waited too long to write. I just sat down and did this and the next 4. My “Final” exam for my class is finally finished. Actually it is only the mid-term, apparently. There will be a final at the end of the semester but there’re no more classes between now and then. The students did ok. We were going to wrap things up on Tuesday and I was going to travel to Kigali the next day to observe some of OLPC’s trainings, but of course it didn’t work out that way. Monday was declared to be a national holiday, women’s day. Sort of ironic then that only the women had to work. So the week got pushed back a day and my exams clobbered my meeting. No big deal though. I went the next week. There’s time. It was hard to be too disappointed when they extended the weekend, because Ellie had decided to surprise me in Kibuye. I was feeling kind of down about the way that things were going and it really helped.

Yesterday was my birthday! Spirit journey formation anniversary. Far out. Radical. Bodacious. Gnarly. Swell. I taught in the morning and cut out a few minutes early so I could make it to kigali in time to get to the bank. I didn't get to eat though and the bank was packed and after moving about 30 inches in line in 30 minutes, I was a ball of rage. I've been trying to put together something for a decent third year project, so I arranged to meet with someone from an NGO that I want to work with. I still had another hour but it was obvious that after waiting all that time in line I was still not going to make it in time. Luckily (or unluckily I guess, in the long term) the NGO folks cancelled on me and Maggie walked in and offered to take my spot so I could go grab some lunch. I probably should have known better than to try to schedule things back to back. Of course there would be 100 people at the bank and only 2 tellers.

Anyway after all that I went and met Ellie at St. Pauls and we caught a taxi together to our director's house. We met all of the new volunteers! They had just gotten here and our director was throwing a little shindig to welcome them. They seem really cool. They had all kinds of questions and hope.

There was also some volunteers from the year before us there. It was the first time we really got to hang out with the class before us. I dunno. It was really exciting to meet some new people.

TSHTF for us in Mauritania just before our new class was going to get there, so they were not able to come. That really hurt. A lot. We were all really looking forward to mentoring them, and just generally wanting to meet the people who would be our best friends for the next year. It did me a lot of good to meet the new folks.

Ellie and I had planned on going out to dinner together after that little soiree, but we were pretty full by the end. Another volunteer was in town to have her birthday dinner too, so we all went out tonight instead. It was actually really awkward. Everyone seemed really on edge and anxious. Snapping at each other and stuff. I think all the people who came in to the capital came because they needed to get out of their sites and were hating their lives. There's a lot of negativity around lately. I'm doing ok though. My ICT classes are almost over, and I'm a little nervous about the transition but I'm sure it'll go ok. I'll write about it later.

Today a bird pooped on my head while I was in the middle of teaching. In the lab. Washed my hair in the sink and dried it off on the curtain. Students thought that was pretty funny.

I am sitting in the sierra cafe, drinking cokes and waiting for ellie to arrive. The schedule is still a little haphazard but things are working themselves out. I am teaching 1 4 to 5 hour class a day- well beyond what it should be but since regular classes for me will end after 6 weeks I can make an exception.

The classes are really hard. The students just had an 8 week or so crash course in English, and now that is supposed to be enough for them to take all their university classes in English. I try to stick with it but obviously they can't all have learned English by now. It seems unfair. Luckily, they all speak French. So at least there's that.

I guess marathon lectures like that are normal here. I dunno. They may be used to it but I can tell 75% of them are burnt out by the fourth hour. The sucky thing is that since I am trying to condense everything about computers and office into 12 classes, every word is important. I've been trying to keep it interesting and relevant but we're still doing the basics and there's only so much context you can add to that. I started with where to find the on button (a skill that a few have not yet mastered). I am constantly having to remind myself that I am teaching in their second & third languages. Even the least able of them is fairly intelligent. For two classes in a language they barely know, they have come really far! Next classes we will set up email addresses together.

At least I'm not doing the 9 hours! Mark got stuck doing 9 hours the first day because one of the other teachers didn't show up. Then on friday it happened again. He's got another (better paying) job in Kigali he doesn't want to lose I guess. We feel bad because it hurts the students, but we can't make a precedent of that and will refuse in the future. It has happened before that people have tried to use us to get paid for a job they aren't doing. So maybe we are a little paranoid, but yeah. No. We understand the quandary, but it's insulting to try to guilt trip us into covering his classes. We're not stupid. We might be more open if he approached us honestly.

Today is heroes day. In stage they told us that everyone has to go to the stadium and hear speeches, but no one has breathed a word of that to us here. Today is also the first day for our umukozi (lit. "person who does", less lit. worker or employee) to start work. We asked if that was ok, with the national holiday and all, but she said it wasn't a problem.

At first we were going to try to cook and clean for ourselves, but it turns out that we aren't very good at either of those. I can follow directions and bake, but you can only eat so many cakes before you become a fatbody. I mean, we are still cooking for ourselves, just not well. We usually make a vat of bean chili every couple weeks. I am getting sort of tired of beans.

Anyway, we put the word out that we were looking for an umukozi, or a domestic worker. It seems a little weird seeing as how we were supposed to be the ones serving, not the other way around, but I guess it is what it is. Supposedly it is the norm here, and it provides income to someone who is either too unqualified (illiterate) or too unlucky to find a better job. The first lady we were going to hire disappeared. Then the next guy it turns out he was previously fired from KHI for fighting. Close one. Then this lady shows up on time* to an early morning meeting wearing a business suit (!?). *That's a miracle in africa. I hope she doesn't think she needs to wear the secretary clothes when she cleans. I guess she was recently laid off from a ministry secretary job.

We got kind of muzungu'd on the price but we don't mind. We are paying more than a full time live in umukozi gets (cooking, cleaning, laundry, and going to the market) and all we want her to do is come for two half days a week to clean and do laundry. Honestly it's worth twice that to me because I think we can trust her. It seems sort of rare lately that I meet someone outside of work who isn't somehow angling for my muzungu gold. At least I hope she isn't since I gave her a house key.

I saw a baby in the market the other day covered in open boils. I felt really bad and bought all my vegetables from the lady holding him. In retrospect that may not have been smart. But no insane boils so far so I guess it's ok. That sort of thing is still really shocking. There is no way you would see anything like it in america outside of a hospital. Definitely not at a grocery store. Not the worst thing I've seen in the market, though. At least the baby seemed to be doing ok. Happy, even. Infant mortality was high in Mauritania. Is high, I guess.

I had to go back to kigali this week to get some of my tooth shaved off and when I got back the campus was suddenly packed with students. Mark told me that we've been asked to teach 9 hours a day six days a week(!). My APCD happened to be right there when he said it but seemed to have no problem with that, so I guess I can expect no backup from him. That is not humanly possible. It puts me in kind of a difficult position because, well, it's complicated. I'm sure I can handle it, it just makes me a little angry. Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out it's because it isn't the end.

I would have been on top of it by now except no teachers have arrived yet (classes start teusday, monday is a holiday). All I really know is that Tuesday I will need to be in a classroom. I think mark and I are even supposed to develop the curriculum. But I have no idea how the students will be tested or on what. Maybe we will be doing that too.

I think a new class is coming soon, so I'm gonna do a post about packing. I mean, I sat down to do that. I guess, now that I'm in it though, I don't actually have any ideas. I think the main thing is not to worry about stuff.

A lot of people like to get cash in lieu of their return ticket and then use some of their readjustment allowance to take a really sweet vacation after their service. If this sounds like something you'd like to do, don't bring that special boat anchor if you're going to be tempted to lug it back the long way around the world. Also it is possible (it happened to a few of us) that you will lose everything you bring. So keep that in mind. Back up your photos or whatever. I didn't. :(

The best advice I tried to take: assemble all the clothes you think you will need and cut it in half. I did this. I still had two times too much stuff. Guys, if you bring a suit coat, likely you will wear it to swear in and never again.

Still though, people here do dress nicely. Very nicely, and appearances count. If I leave the house I am usually wearing a collared button down. Just maybe not tucked in. I mean, classes are just about to start, so I'm planning on starting nice to make a good impression, and then letting my natural sloppiness creep in. Shorts are only for children. I brought a pair and I only wear them to bed and around the house.

I wish I had a pair or two of dockers. But clearly not bad enough to go get them, because the used clothes markets here are incredible. I could find actual dockers, in my size, for less than 10 bucks. I guess I did buy a pair in the training site, but it might be worth doing the first few days in kigali, there's better selection. So yeah. Bring less clothes, and more money. Shiny dress shoes are also very cheap here, and the popular style seems to be pointy. So if that's annoying to you, you might want to bring your own.

Bring good walking shoes, you'll be doing a lot of that. If you can walk in them for 45-60 mins and still look classy for a meeting, all the better. That's how far away the high school where we were teaching was from my house during training.

If you're a runner, no worries, plenty of people ran every day during stage. On the other hand, once you're in your site, you may be on top of a very mountainesque hill.

The most important part of staging in america is forming relationships with the other volunteers. Ours got a little weird and tense but don't let it stress you out.

Bring a mid size backpack. Mine is 3100 cu in and it is too big.

Everyone will get cell phones here. Or you can bring your own, just make sure it's gsm (the sim card kind), and that it's unlocked. If you do not plan on buying a torch phone (with a little led flashlight) here, you are going to want a head lamp. Actually you'll probably want a head lamp anyway. Seriously my torch phone has saved my life.

Packable rain coat. It rains more days than not. You usually don't know before you leave in the morning.

Camp towel for traveling. I bought a decent bath sheet off a guy in the street in kigali for like 6 bucks.

America deodorant. You can get nivea spray stuff here, but it's not as good.

I wish I had brought a few decent kitchen knives, a vegetable peeler, and a can opener. You can get all that here except for the peeler, but they are unreasonably expensive.

A real pillow in a vacuum bag might be worthwhile too if you're into that sort of thing.

I am very glad I brought my sleeping bag, although I guess i have yet to bring it anywhere. If you get one, get the smallest packing one you can find. I also got a silk bag liner off of ebay that I usually travel with. I've used it as an emergency mosquito net when my hostel bed didn't have one.

Pack a lunch for the plane. Our terminal in brussels didn't have any good food. Snacks and candy in general are a good idea.

a kitten just walked in from outside and thinks typing fingers is a great game. he's licking my face now.

If you are unsure as to whether or not you should bring your computer, bring it. GSM modems and internet are reasonably cheap here. If you can afford one, I filled my external hard drive with other people's stuff during training and now that I'm in my site it's pretty nice.

Bring a few nice pens and pencils.

Bring some reading material. You only need a couple books to trade.

I brought a bunch of spices but really there's nothing here I could want that I couldn't find.

Most housewares you can get here, they are just going to be expensive and probably poor quality.

Most clothes you can get here and they are very cheap. Having things tailored is fun.

Bring photos of america and your family. People will want to see them.

I brought some 3x5 cards to tear in half for flash cards. It was a pretty good idea.

One or two notebooks for lessons plans and such might be nice. You can get them here but you'll be of really limited means and won't want to spend the money. Especially during stage.

Our pcmo will give you drammamine if you need it, but you might want some for that first ride down to nyanza. But you can buy that here easily enough. By the pill even. They'll break a box open for you in a pharmacy.

For the most part I think you can get everything here. If you wonder about anything you could ask and I'll try to answer. Assuming anyone even reads this.

I actually went to church today. Weird I know. I'd been avoiding it because I'd heard it lasts 3 hours here. 3 and a half, really, today. I think after a year living in an islamic republic, and then running into the big church in ellie's site... something. I don't know. I heard there was a presbyterian church here in Kibuye so I got someone to show me where it is. Right next to the market, about a 30 minute walk.

So this morning i got on my fancy duds and made my way. I think I got lucky and came on a pretty big day. Or I just understood wrong. Really any sort of "facts" I put up here could be the result of mistranslation. Anyway, they started with a lot of singing and dancing an dthen said a short prayer and then the children's choir got up and sang for a while. Then the very large adult choir got up and sang. I guess it was actually part of the yearly reunion of 5 quoirs? Not real clear on that. I think they group up at the start of every year and go to all their different churches. After them there was another children's choir from Rubengera. The kids take turns going to each other's churches to sing. It's really cool actually. They all took turns singing for the first hour and a half. It's not the sort of songs I'm used to in america. They had dance steps for most of them and the rest was just dancing and they all had a beat that they liked to keep with a barrel sized goat (I think) skin drum. It was a lot of fun. I can't say I ever remember dancing so much in church before.

Then all of the kids filed out with the pastor for kids' time and the pastor's wife got up an dtalked for a good hour. This was exceedingly boring for me seeing as how I didn't understand a word of it. I probably would have ducked out if it were not for the fact that they had earlier stopped everything so I could stand up and introduce myself to the congregation, and my every moment was being observed by about 200 people. The littler towns have a ready made community. In a big town, like where I live, it's a lot harder to find. After the sermon there was more singing and dancing. It was nice to pick up the energy a bit, but it was well after noon and I was getting hungry! Afterwards I shook the minister's hand and beat it to the market to get some avacados for lunch (and dinner, I'm sort of a lazy cook).

In other news I really have to find a way to get some protein into my diet. Right on I'm thinking a large quantity of chili at the beginning of every week. Then I can just eat on that for a few days. Trouble is we don't have refridgeration. I wonder if it will keep. Or maybe it won't. It's not a problem if I don't get sick right?

I ran into a bit of money trouble today. I had to convert an emergency 50 and then I even managed to fritter* that away. Dammit. I need to get the impulse buying under control. Or I need to stay out of Kigali. 12 bucks a night for food and then another 20 on food and miscellaneous crap. I made a fancy (it's a pretty big deal) spreadsheet to track my personal finances. I already categorize my purchases and write down every cent I spend so that I can later make a pie chart and kick myself for having two cokes a day. I think later on it'll be an access db so reports can be a little more automatic. Clearly though money is flowing out of my hands too fast for that to be enough, though, so I guess I'm going to have to start making a daily budget and stick to it no matter what. Maybe a few hungry days will help. Starting now.

Tomorrow: bus ticket - 1400

breakfast - 1500 (this is very high but I'm in kigali)

lunch -1500

This exceeds the cash I've got. Crap. Maybe I can get some street fruit or something instead of a real meal.

*I had the coolest hoodie ever made. The tailor did an amazing job and it is covered in secret pockets. So I got some more fabric to have more made and sent home. I totally bet people would buy these. It would be nice if I could figure out a way to set up a regular thing and market them. There is a lot of cheap artisan type stuff here that would be sold for obscene prices in america.