Time for some good old fashion self-loathing. Today I was called "fat" three times. (By three different, not-so-skinny themselves, individuals, mind you)

I know it's that time of year anyway, when you say to yourself, I'm going to eat better, exercise and get in shape. Well, for me, it's not the time of year, but the brutal honsety of my Jamaican community that is shaming me into such activities. So basically, the fear of being called fat every time I go out for a walk is cause for my New Year's Resolution. It's time I lay off the fried chicken, rice and peas, and cheese puffs. Sad face.

For those of you who are not familiar with Jamaican culture, Jamaican's are very honest and up-front people, and this is a standard comment made to a lot of female volunteers, so I shouldn't be that offended, right? But when I decided to venture out for the first time since I got back, not particularly motivated or excited to be around people (I know, I'm terrible), being called "fat" no matter what the meaning, was still a big kick to my big fat self-esteem.

Adding to my diminishing self-confidence, I cut bangs today. Did anyone notice those?!? Nope, they just noticed my expanding muffin top. (Tip: Do not cut bangs in place of eating right and exercising, it is not a sufficient distraction from your gut, even when you cut them yourself in poor lighting and a dirty mirror, resulting in a too short and too blunt look.)

And thanks to those of you who told me I wasn't getting fat. You are sweet. But also liars.

What I am thankful for today:

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My new computer cord that works!

New bangs (however bad they look)

Jamaicans who are honest despite your feelings

Americans who lie to to save your feelings

Kindle cover - thanks mom!

New kindle books

Coffee

Internet works today

Exercise

Patriots are in the play-offs

New (to me) clothes brought back from US

My health

My friends

Last Friday I had to make a trip to the nearest town to see a doctor. I developed a cough a few weeks ago and it hasn't really subsided, probably due to "too much party" as my host mom referred to it. I say I had to go because I'm the complete opposite of a hypochondriac; I was just ignoring it and wishing it away, but my host mom was not having any of that. So before she resorted to thumping me over the head and dragging me to the doctor, I cut her off at the punch and reluctantly made an appointment after speaking with the PC nurse. It's actually funny story because here I am with this cough, not really caring, and my host dad, an older man who is ill and taking a lot of medication and needs daily help from my host mom, was very concerned about my health and actually took me aside one day to have a serious conversation about how I can cure my cough. (As he was lying in bed, "Courtney, come here, you need to listen to me.....I have something to tell you.....you can either do what I say or not, it's up to you...*deep breathe in*...you are sick......you need to turn off your fan and your light...*another deep breathe*....because the fan circulates the heat radiating off the light......and it's making you sick." - It was so sweet that I didn't have the heart to tell him I hardly ever turn on my fan.)

Anyway, making a long story even longer, since I was in the "city" for the day, I decided to take the opportunity to do some shopping and pick up some things that I can't get in my community. I stopped into a pharmacy's because I needed some cough drops and I wanted some new nail polish (a mildly entertaining story for another time). This pharmacy had a huge upstairs area with a lot of school supplies. Please forgive me if I'm stating the obvious here, but the schools in Jamaica are in needed of supplies; pencils, sharpeners and rubbers (haha, those are erasers, sicko!) to be specific, so when I come across a place that sells such items, I usually pick up some so I can lend them to the children with the intention that I will get them back (it's pretty much a crap shoot if you do or not). So when you don't, you just go get some more. I enjoy shopping for supplies, so I pleasantly took my time there poking around (very much needed after sitting in the waiting room for 3 hours at the Doc's office). I picked an giant glue stick - very handy when making posters and charts for the classrooms, extra pencils and a fancy sharpener; I went for the deluxe model - you can't cheap out or I'm pretty sure you are getting big foot's old blades throw out after a few hundred full-body shaves, not ideal.

Well, I'm back at school now, where the children are constantly asking for a rubber or a sharpener or a pencil to borrow (so typical). So today I started to carry these items around (minus a pencil) in my pocket at all times because of the continual asking for said items. It's very convenient because when I get a request, I just whip out my fancy sharpener (that's so sharp it works in a matter of moments!) and get to work on those dullards, or when a child makes a mistake? Guess who's there rubbing it out with my deliciously-cute purple heart-shaped eraser. This makes a difference because instead of crowding around the trash bin to sharpen the pencils, or waiting to use a sharpener that is already in use, or worse yet grabbing another classmates rubber out of his hands and then getting in a fight about it, the children just come to me and I can generally get the job done much faster (this doesn't always work as sometimes they just end up crowding around me rather than the bin, as you can imagine).

So after this long, drawn out story - my little thing that makes a big difference?

Always carry a rubber (and a sharpener).

Thankful for today:

My fancy new sharpener

Light weight sweater, perfect for the "fall" weather around here

Meeting tomorrow in B-Town a.k.a. "the city"

Thanksgiving week

I get to see friends this weekend (and hopefully have some wine, num num num)

Fried chicken

Helpful PC nurses who genuinely care

Internet (when I typed this one, I sorta sang it in my head and imagined me waving my arm about, it's all very exciting)

2 blog posts in 1 week, whoa!

Pats Win!

Cute shoes

Coconut bread

Eggs and tomatoes

I love your comments! (wink, wink)

Oh I see you, you rodent-sized-disease-carrying insect. I saw you in the kitchen a few weeks ago, and I was so scared, I just crept past you and little your friends. And I saw you last week, creeping in my bathroom corner, and then the other night, you were right next to the door that so conveniently leads into my bedroom. Now you're a little too close for comfort, so it’s time I take a stand. I choose not to live in fear anymore; I will rise above and become the hunter.

I know, it’s not easy; it’s no picnic, not for anyone involved. I mean, perhaps there is a world in which we can co-exist and live in peace; we could be friends even! But, mi amigo, this is no poorly-written Jerry O'Connell MTV 90’s movie, because if it were, you would all be wearing top hats and donning canes while singing the closing number of “A Chorus Line”. This is no straight-to-DVD-romantic comedy, where we would plot and scheme together to find my prince charming and land me the perfect high-paying job through hilarious shenanigans involving a life-size creepy cock-roach-human sporting a trench coat and fedora gallivanting about town to sabotage my arch enemy who only wants to wreak havoc upon my life. Oh no, in this version of the story, there’s only me, you and the bottom of my shoe. Harsh, I know, but only one of us can be the victor, and I choose me.

Oh, and you think your furry little friend is going to somehow distract me from your ultimate demise?

It happened one night not soon after the discovery of you in my bathroom that certain little pink-eared fur-ball squished itself into a seemingly impossible flatness so as to fit under my door. The little brown mouse flew out from the corner to find me, peacefully eating my nutella/bread = doughnut dessert. Shocked and a wee bit scared, I jumped up frozen in place, not knowing what to do. However, reminding me of the basic rules of nature, big > little, my little Mickey froze in his place too upon seeing me at my full stature, pulled up a frightened shoulder, spun around in his place and scurried back to the corner only to get momentarily caught there in fear, and then eventually to find the crack under the door from which he came. It happened within moments, yet my heart was beating at full throttle. Although, I have to admit, he’s such a cute little guy and under different circumstances, perhaps we could too be friends, if I were animated, wearing pink and had a fairy god-mother. (And it doesn’t count because I only pretend I’m a Disney Princess on occasion)

Well, Fievel hasn’t been back since, but you, you walnut-sized, antennae-moving, creepy coacky roach, you will be back. And guess what? I look forward to it. I can't wait. Because now, the fear is gone; I’m a soldier, armed with my New Balances and broom, I dare you to come out because you don’t bug* me.

*Play on words

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Thankful for today:

Internet connectionBeautiful dayWent for a walk and met some more localsNew nail polish

Doce de Leite cookie wafers Fried ChickenPears/AvocadoPineapple juiceBorrowed computer cordGot to catch up with some old friends over the phone (I missed you guys!)

Last week was a bit emotional for me, as you can see from my last post I turned *gasp* 30. And as fun and exciting as it was, it was also kinda stressful and anxiety-driven. Interestingly enough though, it didn’t actually feel much like my birthday because I associate my birthday with the end of summer and the beginning of fall, one of my most favorite times of the year. (I have approximately 4 favorite times of the year because I don’t have a favorite season, my favorite times of year is when the seasons are changing, any season.) So when the leaves start to turn orange and yellow and brown (great color scheme choice, mother nature!) and the air starts to get a little crisp, and you have to put away your tank tops and flip flops, and pull out your sweaters and boots, that’s when I know that my birthday is fast approaching. Now this year was a different story. I got none of the usual tell-tale signs from my environment that it’s time for me to welcome on a new year. I’m in Jamaica, which means when it gets to be slightly cooler at night, it’s now fall! Only slightly, so when I don't have weather.com or the weather channel or boring people with nothing better to talk about to constantly remind me what the temperature is or will be, how am I supposed to decipher! Even if I did have any of those resources around here, everything here is in the bloody metric system, so clearly I have no idea what it means to be whatever-whatever degrees Celsius. (Adapt you say? No, no, how preposterous! I don't think so.) But I digress, so my birthday this year managed to sneak up on me even more sneakier than it usually does every other year. Regardless, I did have a wonderful birthday. My principal and teachers had a little party for me at work. They got me cake and ice cream and a big gift basket with tons of goodies. I felt very special and appreciated. Before that, I had only kinda suspected that I was lucky to be placed here, now I know how lucky I am to be here :)

Anyway, here is something more relevant and informative, if you are interested. Today was culture day at school. It's National Heroes week here in Jamaica and most of the schools have some sort of celebration. At my school the teachers cooked all day yesterday and I got the privilege to help. I've had a lot of Jamaican dishes, thanks to my many host families and loving mothers who would cook for me, so I've been able to eat and help prepare some of the traditional Jamaican dishes. But yesterday was my first time seeing and learning how to prepare Blue Draws. Blue Draws is cornmeal, sugar, nutmeg and some other ingredients mixed together to form the batter, that batter is then dolloped inside a banana leaf and tied up with string made from the bark from the banana tree. Then you boil that nice little package for about 1 hour or so, and then open up the leaf and eat the now solid cornmeal mix. It was a lot of fun to make these as we had about 5-6 people involved in the process of wrapping and tying and boiling. And Jamaicans are very fun and animated people, so a kitchen full of Jamaican women was a lot of fun, loud and crazy at times, but a lot of fun. Anyway, here is the finished product. I was very proud of myself for participating...

Blue Draws or as one of the teachers jokingly likes to call them, Blue Panties

There was also a concert put on by the students. Each grade got up and did something cultural, like a poem, dance or song. It was very cute. Some of the boys (like 8 year olds who are all incredibly good dancers; America, take note, start them early!) even got up and had a dance contest to see who could do the best Michael Jackson impersonation...to a Justin Beiber song. Yeah, they LOVE the Beibs here. They crowd went wild when "Baby, Baby, Baby" came on. I have a video to prove this too, but since it will take roughly a year to upload, that will be for another high speed time.

Some a da pickni dem inna dey Jamaican colors posin's fi di camera

So anyway it's late in the day, and I just took a little break from writing this post (for lack of inspiration and an excess of tired) and started to get a bit carried away with reading some of my old posts…which have you seen them? I’m pretty funny. Just thought you should know. I have to think I’m funny, even if no one else does. It’s like how you have to love yourself before anyone else does. So, I LOVE ME! (Oh shut up, you know you totally stalk yourself on facebook, well same thing)

Thank you for today:My fabulous sense of humor

Football SeasonPatriotsFun culture day at schoolCooking with the teachers

MusicBooksLollipopsNutellaDVDsMini DVD playerPartiesCoca-cola My phone that works at my siteNot taking super long naps after workMini work outsFormatting – for some reason I really like to format documents

I know what you are thinking...I can do better than that pun of a title. Well, what I say to you is, not today, my friends, not today. I can't because, not only am I rusty at this blogging thing, as you can see I haven't posted anything in over a month or two? I can't even remember. I'm also pressed for time, I'm as school and I was planning on leaving 30 minutes ago, and not to mentioned distracted, as school is not really the best "thinking of a witty blog title" atmospheres. And last but not least, today is one of the most dreaded days of the human females existence, my 30th birthday.

No time for any pictures - sorry. Just pretend there is something really eye-catching here.

But alas, today is a big milestone for me, so I decided I must find the time to for even a short blog post. A quick update - I've been placed at my site, which is in St. Ann (one of the 14 parishes in Jamaica, you might equate them to our 50 states), I'm in the hills, not quite the mountains. Which is nice because the weather is in between here, not too hot, not too cold. I've been here for just over a month. I'm working at a primary school, which is Grades 1-6. I live with a host family, a mom and a dad, who have a son who lives in Florida. Also, I'm near a veteran PCV, who is super cool, and I am very lucky to be placed so close to her. So despite my first reaction to where I was placed (that is for another post) everything is so far so good, and most importantly, starting to feel like home. :)

Next topic - I'm 30. I'm no longer in my 20's, can you imagine that I feel exactly the same?!? What a revelation. Like, what? Was I supposed to go though some sort of sudden change overnight now that I've left my 20's and am off into my "real" adulthood. What is this Y2K?

In fact, I not only look like I still am 22 (ahem, I get told this all the time, it's not just my wishful thinking, okay doubters!) but I also feel very much like that. First of all, I have a lot of young friends (love you, you know who you are!) and also I'm living a very "out-of-college" type of life, in the Peace Corps, of course. And, as one of my oldest (she just reminded me of our best friendship is hitting it's 12th year) and bestest friends, called me today, we reminisced about how when we first met, we broke into the dining hall and stole cereal. I thought about that for a moment, and how it seemed like yesterday, and if I had the chance to do that tomorrow, I don't think anything would stop me. Not even the "30, you're an adult" label that I've been branded with on this beautiful day. Which it is a beautiful day, so that will bring my to my next point, to remind myself of all the things I am thankful for today and everyday:

Thank you for:

My wonderful friends, I have so many best friends, old and new, and I sometimes I can't even comprehend how lucky I am to have them all in my life!

My wonderful boyfriend

My new school that I work at

My new home

My new community

The beach

The sun

Wine

My computer and the movies I watch on you

Bandanas

Jamaican transportation - you are taking some of my new friends to me right now! Thank you!

Thank you for being here now!!

And Happy Birthday to me.

(So pretend it's this past Saturday) I woke up this morning, stumbled sleepily out of bed like I normally do, went into the bathroom to try and wake up a bit, when I heard my host mother call out to me, "Courtney! Courtney! You're up?! I want to show you something!" Curious, I quickly I finished up in the bathroom, changed out of my pj's and followed her outside to the back of the house. I peeked around to the back yard, not expecting anything too exciting, as it was still pretty early in the morning, but instead, there I stood, still half-asleep, face to face with my future dinner.

Picture this with more feathers.

Oh yes, they were in the back yard slaughtering chickens. Don't get me wrong, I knew the chickens were there, and I knew what they were for, and I even asked to see what happens to them after 6 weeks of plumping up...but I don't think I was really prepared to see what was happening. By no means was it gruesome or brutal, but it was something I could not expect, nor was it something I wished to take part in at that moment. It's hard to explain the weird feeling I got, almost chills throughout my body. I stood around and watched for a while, trying to be more interested and less disturbed-looking, even though I was very grateful for the experience, but I had to go back inside after about 10 minutes.

For those of you who want more detail into how it's done exactly. First you need some sort of hanging funnel-type contraption hanging from a tree. In this case, it was a bag with a small hole at the bottom. Then you put the chicken in upside down (after it stops flapping it's wings from all the manhandling). The head has to go down to the bottom through the hole, so just it's little face is poking out. Then in a hopefully fast and swift motion, you simplly free it's body of it's chicken head. It's not too messy, the head falls on the ground but only to be picked up and put in a bag for saving and I think to be cleaned off later and used for something. (Chicken beak soup anyone?) Then the bodies, again after it stops flopping and moving around, (yes, the term running around like a chicken with your head cut off is very true) are removed from the bag and dunked into boiling water so the pores can open up and the feathers can be removed easily. It was an enlightening experience.

Where you goin'? NOWHERE!

I know, I'm a hypocrite. I eat meat, I enjoy eating it, I have no remorse when eating it. So why can't I do it? Even more, why can't I be around others when doing it? Perhaps it's just another one of those things I'll have to warm up to. But for now, I will gladly accept that label - a hypocrite.

I came, I saw, I chickened out.

What am I thankful for today?

Trip to the beach this weekend - I love acting like a tourist on occasion

The chance to see how chickens are "prepared"

Kids at camp

Rediscovering Shel Silverstein poems

Mail works well here - I've sent and received letters successfully!

My host mom

My Maine mom

Curry shrimp and curry in general

Avocados - so big and good and free from the back yard!

Just watched "Bad Teacher" with Cameron Diaz - way funnier than expected

Listening to great music - I'm currently obsessed with Cold War Kids

Being here!

Being alive!

Thank you for today!

Do you live in the moment?

If you truly know how to do it and and live it, consider yourself a lucky one, I do. Ask me that 2 months ago, and I would say "Sure, of course! I know what that means, I cherish each day...I even have a blog about it, duh." So, maybe I wouldn't say that last part, but I sincerely did believe that I was taking in each moment and appreciating life as much as I could. I even quit my job a couple years ago when I was miserable and didn't know what I wanted to do, but I knew I was unhappy and it wasn't worth any amount of money to stay and be unhappy. I didn't have another job lined up, and everyone thought I was mad, but in the end it was one of the best things I could have done. That was my way of seizing the day, and I did for a while, to an extent...

Although my life improved a lot, I still worried all the time, stressed about the smallest things, and always rushed around to get to the next place. And in between all that chaos I would occasionally make the conscious effort to take in some deep breaths, perhaps a long, lingering glace around and think how lucky I am to be alive...but then back to the frenzy.

I appreciate you, Tree.

And if you couldn't remember to take in life to its fullest, there were a lot of reminders. It's in your face everywhere, quotes, posters, magnets...how many times have you seen this in someone's Facebook profile or (back in the old days) their AIM away message:

"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching, Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth."

or seen these (which I happen to love, I would buy them all if I could):

But no matter how many magnets you buy, or how many "live in the moment" quotes you put in your facebook profile, who is actually doing this? Am I? What is it? How!?!

So, cut to the obvious, I have an epiphany: I was not really living in the moment. Somehow in the last month, my brain or body or subconscious or something clicked for me and figured out how this works. And in all honestly, it was not a conscious change that I made. I don't think it's something you can simply decided one day to do, or something that can be taught, or you can't really even try to do everyday, like I was trying before. It's simply a feeling.

Like running into the ocean on a hot day, I'm so happy to say this feeling has washed over me. At first I couldn't describe it. As I settled into my new Jamaican life, I started to feel happy, a different kind of happy, a happy that I hadn't felt in a long time. Almost like a child, I feel like a new person, because everything is new and everything is there for me to explore. It's so cheesy, but I feel reborn at times.

I also feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I got to leave my normal life of bills, insurance, bank accounts, taxes, and all that other adult stuff. I'm feel so light compared to right before I left when my brain was practically mush because (and if you ask any of my friends they might have some other words to add here) I was completely stressed out and the smallest details would push me out-of-control. It was so wonderful be able to let those feelings go, to release all the anxiety, because I was here! I accepted that there was nothing more I could do to prepare, I must go forward or breakdown. (And I did not spend the last two years of my life preparing for Peace Corps to stop now.)

So now, here I am, a month later, and for the first time in my adult life, I feel completely free. I do not think about the next day or the next week, or even care what I'm going to do this afternoon. I just live.

I started to realize this feeling when I was waking up each day at 6am not even a bit cranky (if you know me, this is quite a feat). Then when we got our schedule for 5 weeks in advance, I glanced at it, but didn't really think about it after that. (Some might just call this lazy, which could be true). It wasn't that I didn't care what we were doing the next 5 weeks, but that I was much more interested in the moment I was in. I rarely even look at what time we have to be at training the next day until that morning! (It varies each day) I wake up feeling happy and excited to be.

How I wish I could take credit for this picture

I don't have to worry or wonder. I just enjoy what's going on now. I don't try to just "make it through the day" or "get through this week". I'm not living for my weekends, as I had done miserably for so many years. I'm in the moment, not looking forward or backward.

I know this seems a bit too easy and obvious for me being a Peace Corps Trainee, living in a new place, a new country, new people, new culture, new everything. Where my schedule is set for me, and there is always someone there helping me along, letting me know what comes next. So, okay, it's taken a bit of the stress out of life and I do have a lot of extra excitement each day, but I guess that's what it took for me. It wasn't easy to get here, so this makes it all worth it and more. Plus, it doesn't matter to me how I got here, because I'm here now.

Here's me, slowly learning how to use photo shop.

I apologize for my ramblings; I wish I could explain it better. I had been thinking about this blog post for a while, trying to find the right words, but in the end, I just had to post something even though I don't think it's complete. It's hard to find the right way to express my emotions, which is a little frustrating for me. However, I'm not allowing myself to get too frustrated because I accept that a lot of great feelings are indescribable.

Also, it's not much like me to blog about philosophical ideas or sound preachy to others or try to tell people how to live, or go into big concepts that so many others have already done (and much better, I must say), but this has been a big part of my life right now and I felt the need to share it, and blah, blah, blah.

I may have been inspired by an experienced, older PCT here. Who, early in our training, shared with us one way that he lives his life, which is: There is no Past, there is no Future, there is only Now. I don't know if it's this carefree Peace Corps lifestyle, or if what he said (which has clearly resonated with me) has set something off in me, but regardless of how, I'm grateful to be living in the moment.

So, what advice do I have? Pretty much none at all. Because no one could have told me how to feel this way or how to live like this, we've all heard it a million times before already. Lucky for me, it's just something that happened through the choices I made. All I will say to you is: choose wisely and be happy.

Finally, I will leave you with some more quotes that I enjoy and say it much better than I can:

"To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions." ~William James

"You live longer once you realize that any time spent being unhappy is wasted."~Ruth E. Renkl"Spend the afternoon. You can't take it with you." ~Annie Dillard

"Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think." ~Chinese Proverb

"You may delay, but time will not." ~Benjamin Franklin

"Fear not that life shall come to an end, but rather fear that it shall never have a beginning."

~John Henry Cardinal Newman

"We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine."

~H. L. Mencken

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now." ~Chinese Proverb

What I'm thankful for today: Today

Last week was our shadowing experience, so we had our first independent field trip! Like tiny baby birds leaving the nest for the first time, we are finally free to fly! Well, for 2.5 days, that is and it wasn't exactly on our own, as two other trainees were heading in the same direction, and one trainee and I were actually going to stay with the same Volunteer. Our independence is something given to us in very small doses....

So we had a moderately interesting trip there - I started walking the 15 minutes it takes to get where I was meeting the other trainees, and about 5 minutes in, it started to pour. This was approximately 6 minutes after I made the not-so-clever decision to leave my umbrella in an effort to pack light...ugh. But no worries, I ducked for cover and it let up a bit and I continued on my way to the meeting place. The first two legs of our journey were pretty low key by Jamaican travel standards (we did defy death a few times when our driver thought he was playing a video game and not actually holding our precious lives in his speedy little hands, but par for the course). Once in Spanishtown, for the final part of our trip, we hopped on a bus only to wait about 35 minutes because it was empty. Finally when the bus was properly jammed pack with travelers, the driver put the vehicle in drive, I throw a little "Yay! We're leaving!" look over to my friend (because I can't move any other parts of my body due to our sardine-ness), and we take off....only to go 5 feet and slam into the taxi ahead of us. The passengers go wild, the driver jumps out, and my fellow American traveler burst into hysterical laughter. Which really is the only appropriate way to respond to such ridiculousness. Since no one or no thing was injured in the making of this road trip, after 10 or so minutes of yelling Jamaicans, we got on our way once again without further interruption, hallelujah!

We get to our destination, and a huge shock, it's only about 70 degrees here! I love it already. This area is known for being very "Americanized" or "Englandnized" so there are a lot of restaurants, big grocery stores and a movie theater. Our Volunteers took us to a nice restaurant on a hill with a gorgeous view of the city (see pic), and even better, they served burgers and fries, which we took advantage of. After lunch we went to the grocery store to stock up for the next couple days, and then went home to rest. The volunteer that we stayed with has a pretty sweet set up. She has her own downstairs little apartment, if you will. A nice kitchen, bathroom, dining room, living room, bedroom, and a large open area that I assume is going to be another living room of some sort. This area of the house is a new addition that is still being finished, so there's not a whole lot of furniture going on quite yet. However, that doesn't bother us, as we are just happy to be in a comfortable place with a slight air of independence surrounding us. We ate a small dinner, got into some comfy clothes and snuggled up to watch a movie; in typical girls night fashion, we put on "Set It Off". I'd never seen it in it's entirety and I'm happy to say I have now. Movies set in the mid-90's provide loads of unintentional entertainment, as does Queen Latifah.

The next day, we got up and shadowed our Volunteer at her job. Since it's summer right now, school is not in session, so she arranged to teach a summer computer class to some of the parents at the school. It's a 3 hour class from 9-12. But since we are on "island time", the students don't start arriving until 9:30 or so, which was fine with us as we used the extra time to discuss celebrity gossip, which just so happens to be one of my favorite topics of conversation. (Judge me, I don't care) The class is a work-at-your-own-pace atmosphere, and each student gets an assignment based on their level, so we each take a student to work with independently. This was a great experience because not only did we get to finally feel like we were teaching and helping people (since we got here it's been the complete opposite, it's always people teaching and helping us) but I also really enjoy teaching adults, as they have an actual desire and passion to learn. The class ran a little late, but no worries, once everyone left, we packed up and headed home.

Another great thing about our shadowing experience was, we only worked the half day! This was such a nice break from our 8+ hour training days we've had for the past month. We relaxed all afternoon and some of us *ahem* might have even taken a two hour nap...

After our no-stress afternoon, we took advantage of the two-for-one deal at the movie theater and met up with the other Volunteer and Trainee in the city. We got to see Friends With Benefits, as Captain America was sold out (not to our dismay, as the ladies really wanted to see the chick flick but were just being nice to the boys when we agreed to see the comic book movie. C'mon, we all need a little Justin Timberlake in our lives now and then) The movie was surprisingly very good and very funny, I was practically laughing the entire time from the first minute in to the end. And here is a little movie theater etiquette for you all non-Jamaicans. Before the movie starts, you must stand for the national anthem. Also, don't get up to pee during the movie. You are covered; there is a 20 minute intermission half-way through. And lastly, don't get up from your seats for one second after you asked a lovely young couple to move over so your party of five could sit together, because two "I can't be bothered" older women will swipe them, literally, right out from under your butt before you can say "Mila Kunis!" and then your friends have to sit in front of you instead of beside you like you had originally intended, rendering your asking the cute little couple next to you to move completely pointless!!! Okay - so that last one might be super specific to my own experience and could probably happen anywhere in the world, but...now you know. Your welcome.

After we left the movie, we headed back home to cook up a delicious, I'm-on-a-Peace-Corps-budget stir fry. Which we later found out practically every other shadowing Trainee made with their Volunteers, interestingly, or not interestingly enough. We ate, chatted a lot, and finally went to bed.

So colorful! Like Christmas with orange.

The next morning, we reluctantly packed up our stuff, went into town and met up with the other trainee at the bus park. We arrived back to our hub without any trouble, apart from our sadness at leaving, of course. We were happy staying with our Volunteer at her site and not so anxious to leave only to go back to being those little baby birds in the nest again. But with patience being a virtue and all that, I know that it's necessary to continue with training to prepare ourselves even more for when we are actually on site on our, dun dun dun, own! It's a slooooowww and necessary process that the Peace Corps has perfected over the last 50 years, so I guess I'll listen to their wisdom and not complain (much).

Sorry for the long post, but since it was our big first trip by ourselves, which I'm not sure you understand how HUGE it was for us, I thought I should go into detail about it seeing how monumental it was.

Anywine, here are some things that I am thankful for today:

Amazing shadowing experience

Meeting awesome new people that are here on the island that have been through the same thing I'm going through

Mangos

Lady Gaga

Wine - even though I don't have it here, I'm still thankful for it

Being here

The excited feeling I get in my stomach from being here

Pineapple

Ginips

Internet

Host Family - their inviting me to stay in their beautiful home, I love it here!

Beautiful View

Being alive and feeling alive

Coffee

I seem to find a new beautiful type of flower everyday

Stop to smell the...whatever this type of flower is

Practice your thanking - leave me a comment to tell me what you are thankful for! I'm thankful for all the wonderful comments I got :)

So for all of you who aren't in the Peace Corps, or Peace Corps affiliated, PCT technically stands for Peace Corps Trainee, however, for those of you who have served as a Peace Corps Volunteer or PCV, you know that unofficially, PCT could stand for the above, Person CONSTANTLY Traveling. Now, I might be exaggerating a bit, but..... I don't care. The minute you get settled, BAM, they throw you into a whole new world. NOT that I'm complaining. As much as I loved Hellshire, where we were the first two weeks, I'm so far loving it at our Hub (another Peace Corps term for our sector specific training site) We are in the middle of the country and it's just beautiful. Everywhere there is another gorgeous plant, flower, fruit or tree and you have a view of the mountains from basically anywhere you are.

This picture does not do it justice.

Also, my new host family is just want I need right now. I loved where I was placed in Hellshire, and I miss my family there, but it's nice to get a break from the kids for a bit. I have a lot of homework to do now that we are split up into our sector groups, and here I'm able to get it done without interruption (however I'm sure I will be missing those cute little interruptions very soon). But my host family here is an older couple, they could be my parents, in fact they do have a daughter my age that I'm looking forward to meeting next week. Their house is very nice too, I have a nice big room, comfortable bed, internet (hence me blogging right now) and my own bathroom (yay!) So apart from my packing and repacking and unpacking, I'm quite happy with the relocation. I don't know how I will feel about that in another 5 weeks when we are on di road again, but for now, no worries.

My last snapshot of Hellshire Beach before leaving.

Thankful for Today:

Internet so I can communicate with all you

The view of course!

My caring friends and family - I got your post cards, love you!

The amazing people I've met here so far.

Video chatting :)

Pineapple

Mango

Dumplings

The cool weather

to the internet that is...it's been about 2 weeks since I've been able to be online for more than 10 minutes and it feels good. Not as good as I thought it would be, since I'm sitting outside on my friend's balcony, on the hard floor, which is not optimal. (Side note, my biggest complaint is that my arse is killing me from sitting through training all day. Seriously, any chance I get to stand during the day, I relish in.) But it's good that I can be back online to give some updates for those of you who I have neglected to call (I have good excuses!) and post some pictures.

Hardship? What hardship?

Quick wrap-up: We've been in mostly cross-culture and security training since we got here, and we have one more week of it then we break up into our sectors, mine being Education, and do some specific job related training. And yes, we had ice cream, sweet sweet ice cream. :P

Longer wrap-up: We've all been living with host families, and mine is wonderful. I live with a pretty typical family, 3 kids, 2 boys and a little girl, they are adorable. I eat most meals with them, and last night I even cooked for them! I had asked my host mom last week (I call her this despite the fact that I'm pretty sure she's only a few years older than me) what American food she might want to learn how to cook, and she quickly responded, "Lasagna" and the oldest boy, without missing a beat, exclaimed, "Garfield", to which I had to chuckle, what? I grew up watching that! Never underestimate the power of cartoons. So, also despite the fact that I've never made lasagna in my life, nor am I the least bit Italian, we made a delicious lasagna, the garlic bread, however was a casualty to our hunger and was left a little too long in the oven.

That's all I can manage for right now. I have to get home for dinner and then we have the neighborhood exercise group later this evening. (which is another story for a more comfortable time)

Things I'm thankful for today:

Delicious Lasagna, even in Jamaica

Great host family

Wonderful friends

Beautiful beach that's only a 10 minute walk away!

Great Peace Corps Staff

Letter from my mom today! What a great surprise!

Tiny spider running across my screen right now!

Much love!

My nervous decent into Miami

So no matter what you think or how much people tell you the opposite...people are actually very cool. Now, I have to admit, I was one of those people. I do not like small talk, I'm not big on schmoozing nor am I any good at it, and I have a very hard time introducing myself first, and if you know me, you know that's an understatement. (Why, you say, did I join the Peace Corps then? Fair question, well that's a story for another day) So after months of anxiety and worry, I've finally come to the day that I have to meet 30 plus new people, make friends fast because I'm basically spending the next two years with them. Just the thought of this made my my stomach turn and palms sweat...until I actually had to do it. Well, surprise, surprise, like most everything else in life, the thought and build up to it was so much worse than it actually was...I arrived at our staging event this morning, where all the future Peace Corps Volunteers that are serving in Jamaica meet to go over some information and paperwork. Well, to my absolute delight and peace of mind, I like them, they are all super great! And I think some of them even like me back! We are such a diverse and interesting group, from all ages (22-60 something?) and from all over the country (Hawaii to Maine), I feel so lucky and happy (and relieved) to be grouped with these 30 people. (There are 31 of us total that are heading over to Jamaica tomorrow, in case you were wondering) So bottom line, yet another example of why I do NOT need to be so nervous/worried/anxious about everything else that's coming up, because things work will themselves out, and most-likely, for the best.

Thankful for today:

All my new Peace Corps friends!

All my friends at home that I love and will talk to soon! (Thank you so much for your unbelievable support these past few weeks, you have all surprised and amazed me by how much you care - you know who you are and I love you!)

...to laugh at yourself. Yet another really, really, really important lesson that I (and you, if you want to keep your sanity, or insanity, whatever your fancy) must remember.

A very smart person recently shared some simple wisdom with me the other day, which is to take a step back and laugh at yourself. At the time, I was like, yah, sure, duh. Like, I don't need anyone to remind me of that, I already know and find humor in all situations! No, I don't. I do need the reminder. Which is why I'm writing it down here, so we all can remember.

For example: (oh yes, there is a fun story that goes along with my little words of wisdom!) Today, I was crossing the street in Ballston, (oh, Arlington and your poorly-marked one way streets, 7-way intersections and non-blinker-using drivers) mind you, I was crossing at a crosswalk, where cars are supposed to stop for you, but not only that, it was a 3-way intersection with all-way stop signs. As I started to cross, a car decides to speed up towards the stop sign, fail to stop, and almost (and when I say almost, I mean not even close) run me over! I promptly yelled out to the car and his passengers, luckily the windows were down so they could hear my little fit of crosswalk rage, "STOP SIGN", pointing and rolling my eyes up towards the sign...well, you can imagine my fury when he just kept on speeding away!! How dare he disobey the rules of the road! And, c'mon, the simplest one of them all! One that 2-years olds (and I know this for a fact) even know the meaning of! A giant red octagon means STOP! HELLO!! (can you hear that sarcastic tone in my voice?!?) Well, I threw one more evil eye his way, just to make sure he could see how enraged I was (like, if I had a milkshake, it would have been all over his back window à la Election) and stormed away through the street, huffing and puffing, fully ready to pull out my phone to dial up the traffic police and....wait a minute...could this...could this be one of those step back and laugh at myself sort of situations?? Maybe, just maybe...

So needless to say, did I need to get that upset about some stupid driver who can't read a stop sign? No. And it's not my job to point out such obviousness, especially since he will probably get what's coming to him in the form of some blue lights flashing in his rear view. No, not my problem at all, so here I am taking a step back and laughing at myself. Please feel free to laugh along with me (or at me).

Things I'm thankful for today:

People who are smart and make me smarter

Free gym

Easy workout

Beach camping

No work this week

Nice weather

People who are funny and make me laugh!

Have a thankful day!

No witty stories here today folks, just getting straight to the punchline...

Things I'm thankful for today:

DOPO night tonight with some wonderful ladies

Making my favorite summer drink

Double header softball game, I'm working on my swing

Last day of work tomorrow

Cleaned up my room

Figured out my flight back from home without spending a fortune

That I'm NOT on the bachelorette - just watched the last episode where the dude was a total d-bag

Good food

Nice bike ride today

I finally posted pictures

Great friends

Fun ladies night last night

My team girls, their parents and my other coaches - they threw me a party last night! So sweet!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Life is wonderful :)

Don't forget to comment and tell me what you are thankful for today!!

So apparently the need to wallow in our own self-hatred doesn't build over a lifetime of dysfunctional family problems, bad decisions and abuse, it starts at a much earlier age....like 4, for example.

I found this out today, when the 4-year-old that I regular nanny for had some seriously hilarious yet perspective-inducing things to say after waking him from his impromptu and restricted nap. (He's getting close to 5 and his mom doesn't want him napping otherwise he won't fall asleep when its bedtime. So when I went to put the other one down, which took a while, the older one promptly laid down on the couch under a blanket and passed out.) He started whining and crying, which was to be expected, but the after about 10 minutes of this, I ask him what he wants to do. Does he want to play legos? (his favorite thing) Go outside? (maybe second favorite) No, no, no, he'll have none of that. So as he's lying dramatically on the ground with his arm draped across his forehead, he says to me, "Miss Courtney, I dont want you to do anything that will make me happy. Miss Courtney, I'm just going to do nothing, don't try to do anything I like. I don't want to be happy." Oh vey! Whoa is me and my little 4-year-old self!

To see a small child act like a broke, recently dumped, living-in-his-parents-basement-30-year-old is truly a sight to see, but the best part about it was, I can without a doubt say I felt like this, maybe, no less than 5000 times in my adult life, where nothing and no one in the world could make me happy and life was not worth living, over I'm sure nothing more than being woken up from my nap. I couldn't help but laugh at him, and think to myself, no, it does not get any better, my little grasshopper, no and it never will, not until you can see for yourself the humor in the situation. Until you realize that the terrible horrible life-ending fill-in-the-blank-moment that's happening right now is not the end of the world. Thank you, young 4-year-old, to help me remember this very important lesson, especially when I'm about to embark on one of the craziest adventures of my life. This "advice" will be my savior when I'm no doubt feeling like that in Jamaica next month, and probably for the next 27 months. But alas, no one can expect a 4 year old to realize, let alone understand, this perspective on life; good thing for a short attention span....at the moment he's is very happily playing outside, without a care in the world :)

God bless me with a short attention span. Amen.

Thankful for today:

Got out of work early

Going to a free movie tonight (kinda, using my expired livingsocial deal)

Yummy food last night

Ice Cream Sandwiches

Biking

Air Conditioning

My friends <3

Get your "secret" on, post a comment to tell me what you are thankful for today!

A little less actually, but that made a better title. I'm leaving in 25 days! It's going soooo slow and sooo fast all at the same time, how does that happen? I'm thinking it's something with the time space continuum, or the flux capacitor or H.G. Wells...

Thankful for today -

I still have 3 weeks to enjoy all my friends and the things I love in the States

Only one more week of work! Whoo hoo

Sold some stuff on craigslist

Beautiful outside

Delicious shrimp pasta lunch that I made myself

No work until Monday!

Ropes course tomorrow :)

I'm finally setting up blog for public consumption, yum

Thanks you thank you thank you!

Whoa it's been a while - a whole year approximately. And, boy, has a lot happened. I have a job teaching gymnastics that I still enjoy, great friends, some who I had and some who I more recently met through the gym, and a wonderful person (boyfriend!) that I spend most of my time with. But I have the most exciting news that I think I've ever had in my life (and possibly ever will??) I was invited to serve in the Peace Corps in Jamaica! I'm leaving at the end of June 2011, this year. I can't believe it. I'm very much overwhelmed, but at the same time excited, sad, scared, happy, fulfilled, empty, bored, nervous, apprehensive, shy, stressed, joyful, etc. Does the list stop? I don't think so. But for now, I'll just say overwhelmed, which could be a good thing or just so-so, because I should really just say that I don't know how I feel.

Ahh Jamaica, no worries!

I started teaching gymnastics. Its so fun and the kids are adorable. They say the cutest things.

3 year old boy after gymnastics class: "Well, that wasn't so bad"

Oh really, 3 year old boy? Jumping up and down on a 20 ft trampoline and leaping recklessness into a giant foam pit? Not so bad? That was probably the best frickin day of your little 3 year old life.

I am so happy that I got this other job, it's great and I am so much happier. Now I just have to find someone to share it with. For some reason, I just really want to be in a relationship. I've been single for over a year now (minus the short relationship I was in over the winter) but I"m ready to be serious with someone. So..

I am so happy that I found a great guy. He is funny, intelligent, attractive, and importantly makes me laugh like no one else has. I'm so happy I found him, we are perfect for each other!

Have a fabulous day, I know I will!

I got so caught up with the bitterness, I forgot my focus! Things I'm thankful for today:

Wine

Friday

Happy Hour

Beautiful Pink Roses

A book to help me with life

Cheap books at Goodwill

Friends

Yoga

Hulu - work out videos

Deposited checks today

Gymnastics Position

Got my Etsy shop set up

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am so happy!

Wow - I don't think I could have found a more perfect picture! It was fate :)

So I signed up for this free online dating site (after my child of a boyfriend dumped me, yes! dumped me! what!) So this is my second time on a free online dating website, and I deleted my other profile because it as much fun as it was to get emails and search profiles, that only lasted about a week, then it just started getting sad and desperate. So despite my better judgment, I joined another website that I heard was better than the first. I've quickly realized its not. Not better, but completely entertaining. My best friend is on Match.com and told me that she trys to respond to every email she gets, even if she is not interested. Which I thought I would do as well because I thought it would be the nice thing to do. Apparently not. Can we say bitter, party of one? Let's review. I will get an email from someone that I just don't find attractive (I'm sorry, but I need that! and of all people, these guys should understand!) So here my response is a simple, but polite, "Thanks for your email, but I'm not interested. Good luck with your search!" Here is the nicest response, only moderately bitter:

"I can see that you really got to know me ;P"

And now we have a tie for most bitter:

"Ain't nobody sweating you, u small teeth, all GUMS having biotch. Fawk U!"

-Really? Fawk? c'mon, you can do better than that. Oh, and thanks for proving my point!

"You know what's funny? I was just trying to

be friendly and say hello! If you weren't

intersted in chatting you could have just

deleted the message... No harm no foul.

You, however, made it a point not just to

respond but to tell me you weren't

interested- in a rather curtly manner as

well. That's a ****y thing to do. No wonder

you are single!

PS- curtly will come right before the "d"

section in the dictionary. "

-Awe, you spend a lot of time on this email for someone you don't know. Why not put your energy elsewhere, like finding a girlfriend. By the way, Ass will be under "A" at the beginning of the Dictionary.

Oh well. I guess I will go back to just not responding. Or will I? Some of these bitter responses are just too fun. Possible even better than dating??

Happy Spring!

Things that I'm thankful for today:

New Podcasts, make me laugh out loud

It's Friday

New Job teaching gymnastics - love it

Beautiful Weather - almost 70 today!

Going to see Sue tomorrow!

Getting a new washing machine tomorrow!

Delicious salad yesterday

Yoga this morning, great workout

New 30 Rock, can't wait to watch it!

Great friends!

Thank you thank you thank you universe!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Those are really the only ways I know to say thank you, and I have no idea where I am going, but I am so excited to say that the Peace Corps changed their rule so that as long as I promise to get my 30 hours of ESL teaching over 3 months, I can be nominated for a region before I actually get all the hours! Yay!!! I just have to make sure that my next class has more than enough registrants! Wonderful, I'm very excited to see where I will potentially be going. I was worried there for a second that it wasn't in the cards for me to go, but it's just like the secret, something opens up, and universe responded and told me that I should continue with this endevor! I'm very excited so I'm signing the paper and sending it right back to my peace corps recruiter. Great day today! :)

Thankful for today:

Gymnastics

Great Sandwich

Good chat with friends

Delicious Stir Fry

Hair cut Thursday

No Traffic

Computer works

Great weekend weather

Zoo trip

Fun animal pictures

Baby gorilla, the cutest!

Delicious (you complete me) nutella and banana and strawberry crepes (drool)

Call from my brother!

I got back my Valentine's day package from my Mom!!

Living, breathing, walking, seeing, feeling!

Tiger at the National Zoo

National Geographic picture. I can't wait to take pictures like this with my wonderful new DSLR camera!

I don't know what is wrong with me. Even since I stopped working, I've been going to the gym everyday. And everyone says that when you go to the gym and work out everyday, you have more energy. Well, I tended to agree with them, since when I was always tired all the time, it was also at a time when I didn't go to the gym on a regular basis. Now that I do, I expected to have more energy, but I don't! Perhaps its because I also don't have a job and not much interaction with people during the day, but I didn't think that would have too much of an effect on me. Anyway, its something with endorphins and all that, so I should still be soooo tired all the time. So I got up this morning at 9:30, went to the gym for Pilates at 10:00. I got back home, ate something and then immediately fell asleep for over 2 hours. What? How does that happen. I don't want to think that I'm depressed, but it's not too far fetched to think....okay turn this sucker around. It's the best day ever! In fact, my best friend in DC and I are going to start a blog together. We've actually been talking about this for a long long time, but I'm really gonna start it. I might be the only one writing in it, but that's okay.

Things I'm Thankful for:

Hummus, love it

Pilates class

30 Rock, hilarious

Making a picture book

Pandora

My health

My happiness

My sweats

Cereal ;)

Thank you so much! I am so happy now that I have this wonderful job doing such creative and fun things, it barely feels like work, I am so happy about it! Thank you!

Actually it was neither. I wish my dreams were like this picture, but alas they are not. I have to write down the dreams that I had a couple nights ago because they were very intense.

The first dream was about my dad (He shows up in my dreams about once a week or every other week) This one was a little different because usually he shows up just in the background, for instance, something will be going on and I might turn around and see my dad and maybe ask him a question or get his opinion of what to do. It's just as if he is still alive and just there observing. In this particular dream, I can't remember what happened, but I was with a couple other people and approaching my house in Maine that I grew up in. They looked over towards the garage (my old garage that has been torn down about 8 years ago) and my dad is pushing a wheel barrow inside. They are a little stunned because in this dream, it's present time, and my father is dead. So I say, oh that's just his ghost, as if this is a normal thing and I see his ghost all the time pushing a wheel barrow into the garage. So I run up to his ghost and start to try and grab a hold of him and I keep saying over and over, I miss you, I miss you. I'm shouting it at him, but at the same time, it seems that I'm losing my voice and I can't yell it loud enough. And even though its just his ghost, he looks at me, but he is confused and it's like he doesn't recognize me. He just wants to keep pushing the wheel barrow into the garage. So I keep yelling louder and louder, but I can't because my voice is fading and he is also trying to lean away from me and he looks confused and scared as to why I am yelling at him. The people I was with seem to just watch and are also confused. I got the feeling that this was not the first time I did this and that I did this every time I saw his ghost, which was a lot. I can't remember if I woke up crying or not. This is more consistent with the dreams that I had when he first died,which is almost 4 years ago. Very intense and very unsettling.

The next dream has to to with the guy that I'm dating right now. The background: I'm not exactly sure what's going on with us. He is significantly (at least in my opinion, 5 years, he's 23) younger than me. Not that I haven't dated younger, that is actually my track record with guys, I think I've only dated about 1 or 2 guys that have been older. Also, I met him over a year ago and I never ever ever in a million years thought that I would date him (I was with my ex at the time, who I lived with for 2 years) And I do really like him, I hardly ever stop laughing when we spend time together, and he thinks that I've funny too which is a nice bonus. But I just don't know where it's going and if I really want to be together with him. I guess that we are "dating" and "exclusive" in the sense that we agreed not to go out on dates with anyone else. But still, not sure if I'm ready to call him my boyfriend (even though you would say that's what we are at this point) So in this dream, I was in a bar, but the bar was huge. And it was so random because I was with this guy that I went to the homecoming dance with my sophomore year, Jim (a lot of people suspect that he is gay as well, but I'm pretty sure he isn't) So we are kissing, and I am sooo not enjoying the kiss. And so I finally tell him that I'm seeing someone (I think that I pushed him off me) and Jim just seems so dejected and upset that I'm "breaking up" with him, because I guess in the dream I'm dating both him and the younger guy that I'm dating in real life. So I break up with him, tell him I'm dating someone else, referring to the young guy, and then I leave. And I go around the bar looking for YG (young guy) and I go upstairs because in the dream that's where he was. But he's not upstairs at the bar, and I look downstairs and I look all around this huge bar. But I can't find him anywhere, so I start to wonder if he saw me kissing Jim, who I clearly don't like, and I just broke up with him for YG. But I can't find him, I think someone tells me that he left the bar with his friends, and I start getting real upset because I want to tell him that I only want to be with him. And then the dream ends with me looking for him but failing.

What does this all mean!?! Subconscious, what are you telling me ;) Yes yes, once they are all out there like that, it's pretty straight forward. So I think I know....

Well not exactly Coco Puffs (I don't believe I've ever actually had them...) but for cereal. I have never come forward and said how thankful I am of cereal. In particular, anything with red berries. I love the Special K red berries, but not to exclude some of my other favs, like Strawberry fields (ironically also contains raspberries and other sorts of berries) and I don't know the name, but they look like cheerios but with blueberries and strawberries, etc. I love it. I never was a big fan of it in my childhood, mostly because I don't really like milk (I used to be allergic to it), but I use soy milk in my cereal and its just delicious. I got home tonight and I wanted something to eat, but do not have the energy to make anything, and so the perfect solution is cereal. God bless you cereal. So without further ado, here are the things that I'm thankful for today:

Cereal!

Soy milk (delicious delicious soy milk)

My printer works!

The nice girl who filled in for my co-teacher who couldn't make it

White boards (I like writing on them, it's fun)

Grooveshark, which is providing me with some lovely tunes as I write

Free streaming music and movies and shows, oh my!

Restaurant week, I will be going this weekend yay!

Tickets to wizards game (if I can get out of teaching ESL next week)

All my good fortune!

Crafting and craft blogs, I love your tutes.

Here's something I was working on, not sure how else I'm going to elaborate on it....

Started as just a Styrofoam wreath:

And I have a million old mags:

I actually only used one of my old ELLE magazines, just the first few ads and cut them up into strips:

Glued them all the way around until it was completely covered:Then I mad a cute little paper flower and glued that on..but it def needs something else, I'm just not sure what else to do....this is what it looks like now:

Oh, one more thing that I am very very very thankful for is my Glue Gun! It's amazing, I might even go as it changed my life. Haha, of course it has, without it, I wouldn't have been able to make my fun wreaths....even if I'm the only person who thinks they are fun.

Also thankful for:

All the wonderful donations for the date auction that I'm working on!

Thank you thank you thank, I'm so happy :)

So I finally finished my book page wreath. I used Robert Ludlum's The Scorpio Illusion. I think it looks much better in person than in pictures, but nevertheless, here it is.For some reason it just looks very weird. But anyway, I think it looks cool. It only too be about a month to finish it. Ugh. But I did get inspired to create a different kind of wreath. One made out of magazines (because I have a plethora of them) Here is the tutorial for the wreath...

http://www.livingwithlindsay.com/2009/11/librarians-please-avert-your-eyes.html

My new year's resolution is to find out what the F I am going to do with my life. I'm starting to get quite pessimistic as each day goes on. For some reason (okay probably not for just some reason) I had major anxiety on New Years Eve. Perhaps it's because I know that time is going by and I'm not making any progress. What is the deal? Why can't I get motivated to do anything? I can't even be motivated to write in this blog. I meant to write on December 31st, nope. I meant to write on January 1st, nope. So here I am on January 6th, finally writing. Okay, snap out of it. This is about positivity and finding the great things in everyday life. So let's get to it. What are you thankful for:

Good lunch with friends

Internet is working

My room is organized

My food cabinet is organized

Happy Hour tomorrow

No more pests in the house

Cleaning person that comes

Lost scarf had been found

Good friends

Good coffee

Good workout

Pilates kicked my ass yesterday

Leftover pad thai for dinner tonight (yum)

Free Hockey tickets yesterday for the suite (which meant free beers and food!)

So, I really do have a lot to be thankful for, and I am so thankful...then why can't I just get myself in gear! I don't want to throw it away!! And it's so hard to talk to people about it, my mom's answer to everything is "You're beautiful" really? really, mom? How is that going to get me a job other than prostitution?!? Other people are just like, "oh well, take your time, enjoy your time off" When you know they are just thinking, "how pathetic."

I'm gonna go watch The Secret...

Today I took one of those personality test that judges my sense of humor. I think it came out about right (of course, it's highly complementary, so of course I would wholeheartedly agree)

the Wit your humor style:

CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK

You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.

You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais

I love those personality test. They are so fun. I mean what the best subject to everyone, themselves of course! Unless I'm just extremely egotistical, however I don't think that is the case. Either way, I learning about myself, haha. Although I should already know these things, but when they are reflected in such a good light, why not get the little boost :)

National Geographic's Picture of the Day:

Oh just gorgeous! I love it. I can't wait to get a new camera that takes beautiful photos like this one.

I applied to South Moon Under, and I believe that I got the job, but I told the manager that I could work when I can't work, so I'm thinking that may affect if they still want to give me the job. I have to call her tomorrow!

I'm also applying to a book store, which I think I would much rather work at, however South Moon Under is about 90% closer than the Book Store, oh the choices!

Thankful for today:

Starbucks

The library

Beautiful sunny day

the track

Podcasts

New Moon opens in a few days!

Thank you!

So I'm starting to feel like a bum...okay I know, I know, I should rightly feel like a bum as this is my third week of not working. But since I made the conscious choice to stop working, I decide when I get to feel like a bum, and just because having no job might throw me in the instant bum category, I disagree and hence, now is when I decide I'm only starting to feel like one. I also tend to like convoluted sentences. So anyway, today was Monday, which I've decided will start this week of actually applying to jobs and working towards getting back an income, however small that may be.

Anyway, I started tutoring tonight. ESL to adults. It was interesting, I was nervous going in, but I'm very confident now and excited to continue each week. The hour goes by awfully fast, so its really no sacarfice on my part. I hope I can really help this woman learn English.

On to the point, things I'm thankful for today (and the past few days):

The Patriots

The Patriots win yesterday

Meeting Patriots fans at the bar

Spending very little money out this weekend

Goody's pizza

Cleaning lady came today, clean bathroom and kitchen

Roommate made brownies (I'm both thankful and resentful of this because now I just want to eat brownies all day)

The gym

Twilight - I'm rereading and loving every minute of it

New Moon comes out in 10 days

Delicious dinner and wine last night with a good friend

Good leftovers from dinner last night today. Thai, mmmmmmm

That's all for now! Here is a picture from National Geographic.comPerhaps I could draw the comparison that while I'm a bum, perhaps a beautiful flower bum laying on the pavement? No? Ok.

Oh yes, whats to come, things that I love to do. Help me to find my passion and hopefully capitalize on that passion :)

So I'm on my second week of unemployment. So far I've gotten a pretty positive response from people. One of the things that I was most concerned with (its pretty lame actually) was what I'm going to tell people. The reason being, and I think this is with most anywhere you go in the US, one of the first things you ask a person when meeting them, after getting their name is, what do you do? Which I think is such a dumb question to begin with (going back to what I've said in previous blogs) because why do we define ourselves by 1)Our name 2) Where we are from 3) What we do for a job. I understand that these are the easiest questions to ask of a person, but I don't think that by any means, my name, where I'm from, or what I've done for jobs is in any way a reflection of who I am. I'm Whitney*, from Maine, that used to Professional Development. All those things together, you have NOT A CLUE who I am. I'm nothing like that person that I just described. So since I cannot change society and how we introduce ourselves, I am nervous to meet people now that I quit my job. WHY! I'm actually a bit ashamed that I have to say, oh hey, i don't work. But what I'm really mad about it that I'm ashamed that I'm ashamed of that. I should be happy and proud that I made the decision to leave a job that I hate. So why am I ashamed of that?

Anyway, enough with my rant about that. It's just that this not having a job thing is starting to stress me out in a way. Not in a way that I want to be stressed out. I told myself I wouldn't get like this, that I wouldn't let society pressure me into being stressed out. Perhaps it's the loneliness that is getting to me. That's one of the things that I didn't anticipate to effect me so quickly, but alas it's only been a week, but it feels longer than that. I am still waiting for the weekends to come even though I'm not even working. A good friend of mine is leaving her job for a new one and she's going to take some time off, and I'm super excited about that so she can hang out with me for the short time that she doesn't have a job too!

So some random thoughts that I've had the last couple of weeks:

Why do we lean when we go around corners in the car? Shifting my weight in the car will have absolutely no affect on how the car will turn. it's not a bicycle.

When I walk into an exercise class and the instructor seems to be in worse shape/not the body I'm striving for, I'm immediately dejected.

Don't look in the cupboard again, it's all gonna be the same shit you saw when you looked 2 minutes ago. Just go to Chipotle.

Sometimes I'll make myself dinner and it kinda takes a while, so I snack and taste things while I'm cooking, when it's finally finished I'm not even hungry anymore.

I always think that my facebook albums are the funniest and most intersteing pictures, until I look at other peoples and realize they are all the same, just insert a different drunk person.

I was so hungover the other day that I watched the Spanish Channel for five minutes without realizing it.

Why do the only guys that ask me out are only guys that I would never date?

Goodwill is only crowded the week before Halloween.

When I see a beautiful person, I immediately like to assume that I'm smarter then them.

So things that I'm thankful for today;

Good friend to tell me everything will be okay.

Delicious meal at Busboys and Poets

Fun events to look forward to

Got my purse back with everything in it

Lovely people who return purses!

Found good music online today

Cleaner room

Good weather

Good run

Funny TV

Great blogs!

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!

Picture of the Day from National Geographic:

The people? Maybe...A Paycheck? It's Possible. No, the thing I'll miss the most is the emails chains.

So my last day was quite stressful. Not because I was trying to get any work done, but more because when I was going through my emails I realized how many hilarious (in my opinion) email chains that I had at work, and how I wanted to relish them. So I began forwarding all my old emails to my personal account. I had some good times in the office, which now will be forever saved here:

When we decorated my friends cube for her birthday with pictures of her BF, he's quite the ham for the camera:

I was laughing my ass off when we did that.....

Here's another classic forward. Artwork from a kindergartner:Here is one of the funnier email chains...You have to start at the bottom. It was after I sent out an invite to the firm about a lunch seminar we had.

From: XXX

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:50 PM

To: XXX

Subject: RE: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

I dont know, who wouldn't want to hear me talk about the most interesting topic in the world (myself)? But don't worry, like every other egomaniac, I'll put it on youtube so everyone can hear it. Rich and I decided there will be a trivia challenge at the end. Once you pay the entry fee, winning prize is a five minute Q and A session with one of us, followed by lunch on you.

From: XXX

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:43 PM

To: XXX

Subject: RE: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

Each of you will have to have your own conference room to fit your enormous heads. Of course, you all will be the only ones attending these seminars. Funtime jackets - check.

From: XXX

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:40 PM

To: XXX

Subject: RE: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

Only if you can get the first speaker off the podium

From: XXX

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:39 PM

To: XXX

Subject: RE: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

With a special guest speaker on the last day, me?

From: XXX

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:38 PM

To: XXX

Subject: RE: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

I predict a slideshow presented shirtless, showing pictures of yourself with no shirt

From: XXX

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:35 PM

To: XXX

Subject: RE: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

haha, then it will prob be longer than one hour

From: XXX

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:34 PM

To: XXX

Subject: RE: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

Guest speaker Rich

From: XXX

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:33 PM

To: XXX

Subject: RE: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

Please attend our side topic : BB09: Confessions of Egomaniac: "Sorry I'm not sorry. I'm the F***ing Man."

Monday, June 29, 2009

12:00 p.m. - 01:00 p.m.

From: XXX

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:19 PM

To: XXX

Cc: XXX

Subject: RE: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

No. No, I don't.

From: XXX

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:18 PM

To: XXX

Cc: XXX

Subject: RE: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

You realize this is just building it right back up, right?

From: XXXX

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:16 PM

To: XXXX

Subject: FW: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

haha - this just needs to be shared :)

From: XXXX

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:15 PM

To: XXXX

Subject: RE: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

i think you do too "Highlight the Negative: Breaking Down Your Unwarranted Huge Ego"

From: XXX

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:13 PM

To: XXX

Subject: RE: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

i think i need the opposite of this class

From:

Sent: Tuesday, June 16, 2009 4:10 PM

To: XXXX

Subject: BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem on 06/29/2009

BB09: Accent the Positive: Building Self-Esteem

Monday, June 29, 2009

12:00 p.m. - 01:00 p.m.

Location: Washington D.C.

or not rather. Today is my last day at my job. Everyone that knows I'm leaving seems to think it's quite odd that I'm leaving without another job, but I'm so excited. I get the questions a lot "Are you nervous" and to tell you the truth, I'm only nervous when you ask that question! But I won't let society dictate my feelings. I will feel how I want to feel, and that is relief. I'm making a change, I have the guts to go after what I want, even if I don't exactly know what that is right now. I'm making a change that is how it starts. What is the worse that can happen? Oh no, I ask myself, What is the best that can happen? Because today is the Best Day Ever!

Things I'm thankful for today:

Metro was waiting for me when I got to the station...got me to work with limited delays and stops

Pot luck lunch at work today! Delicious food

Happy Hour after work

I get to "work" through November 2nd, giving me benefits through the end of the month, yay!

I like my outfit today - also very comfortable

Good make-up day too

I had a lovely video chat last night, up late, but it's such a great day that I'm not even too tired!

Nothing that a yummy soy latte didn't fix :)

so much more to be thankful for as well, so I'm thankful that I have so much to be thankful for!!!!

I need pictures in my blog...so here you go.

It's from National Geographic Photo of the day. I like it. Kinda represents how free I feel today.

http://photography.nationalgeographic.com/photography/photo-of-the-day

So yesterday was my birthday and it was a great day. I had my first skee ball game, oh yes, competitive skeeball. So much fun, I was the top scorer at one point in the night...some one eventually beat my score, but I ended up being the top scorer of my team. This proves that I am, in fact, a high roller. It was great, my friends gave me some delicious baked goods, and sun flowers.

Today was also a very good day. I opened my present from my mom, she gave me a check (yay!) and a wicked cute purse! Thank you mom!!! Also, I had a softball game tonight and I hit my very first triple ever. It was so exhilarating! Everyone was super pumped, I think I also brought in a couple runs with it. I absolutely loved it. I think it was because I was wearing my dad's companys shirt. He was definitely helping me out there. So those are all the things that I'm basically thankful for...I will just list some of my musings from the last couple days...

Why does only one ear bud fall out? The other sits in there perfectly fine and content, the other seems to be a loose cannon.

Why do people make the "tschsh tschshhtshh tshhhhhhhh" sound when they are thinking and trying to find something on the computer....you know what I mean, you may have just done it.

When I put out my recycled bag at the grocery store check out, and they go to use a plastic bag, but then they realize I have a cloth bag and they end up throwing out the plastic one they started to use....so not saving the earth.

Why is everyone always in a rush on the metro...even myself..I cannot help but get caught up in it though I have nowhere to go.

Food comes in waves at work. We will go weeks without any free food, but when little leftover plate of cookies comes...bam! There's cake everywhere you look.

I would love to get on the sexting bandwagon...but how the hell are you supposed to take a picture of your own ass?? C'mon Chris Hanson, bring it on.

That's it.

Anyway, thank you thank you thank you! Thank you for even giving me the opportunity to write a blog that not a soul reads! Thank you!!

I love them! I am thankful that I'm leaving my job finally! I'm trying to motivate myself to work on my resume, so the recruiting manager can take a look and help me find my dream job!

My friend from boston was just up visiting me. We had a jammed packed weekend of walking around georgetown, wine tasting, and lots of drinking. I need to detox.

So what else am I thankful for today:

Hulu.com

Friends coming to visit

Wine tastings and free wine!

GT cupcakes

cucumbers

hummus

avocados

lazy sundays

sunny days

salads

Thank you!

I'm also thankful for my new job that I love and now my life is fulfilling and fun!

Grow stronger? Will I miss it here? Well, I will certainly miss overhearing conversations like this:

Colleague #1: My e-mail isn't working, the network must be down.

Colleague #2: Mine is working fine. Oh, look IT just sent out an email about the network being down, but it's only effecting people with the last name M-Z. Did you get that e-mail?

Colleague #1: No, I didn't, but that explains it, my last name begins with M.

Colleague #2: Oh here, I will forward it to you.

Colleague #1: Um, no, don't.....

Oh yes, I will surely miss those moments that break up my day so I can privately chuckle to myself. Only to later approach Colleague #1 and laugh about Colleague #2. hehe

Anyway, back to basics. Things I'm thankful for today:

My supportive friends and co-workers who are helping me out with networking and my resume

Podcasts - specifically "Stuff You Should Know"

The smell of Fall in the air

Delicious brown sugar to make my oatmeal tasty

My friend from Boston coming to visit

Washer/Dryer in my townhouse

Farmers Market that I stopped at yesterday

The cute puppy calendar I have on my desk, and I got to flip to two new cute ones today (one is even yawning! awe!)

Sushi for lunch

From the Lifeworks website -

What is a "quarterlife crisis"? Here's how authors Robbins and Wilner describe the quarterlife crisis: "The transition from childhood to adulthood -- from school to the world beyond -- comes as a jolt for which many of today's twentysomethings simply are not prepared. The resulting overwhelming senses of hopelessness and cluelessness, of indecision and apprehension, make up the real and common experience we call the quarterlife crisis." People who are going through a quarterlife crisis frequently experience some of the following:intense self-doubt uncertainty about the future instability lack of hope feeling directionless feeling like something is missing chronic procrastination disillusionment about a job or what "real life" is like fear of making changes or decisions overwhelmed by choices and possibilities stagnation Oh boy, best day ever, where are you?Goes on to tell me what I can do...great! Here's how I'm dealing -Avoid defining yourself by your job. It's common for people who are just starting out in the world of work to identify themselves through their jobs. You may do this because you have a very demanding job, or you may do it because it seems like your job is the easiest way of defining who you are. After all, "What do you do?" is usually one of the first questions people ask when they meet someone new. But it's important to develop a life beyond work. Try to find a few non-work activities that help you feel fulfilled, such as sports, a club or group, or volunteer work. This will help you create a more well-rounded identity. Trust yourself. Many people going through a quarterlife crisis are paralyzed by fear. They are afraid of making the wrong decision or doubt their capabilities. Try not to get caught up in this kind of negative thinking. Remind yourself of your strengths, and trust that you will make the decisions that are right for you. Take risks. Taking a calculated risk can be a good way of learning more about your limits and your potential. So try not to back down from reasonable risks, such as accepting a job in a new city or deciding to quit and pursue your passion. Probably best to use all the ways to get over it, but I'm mostly just going with taking risks (I'll trust myself to take such risks, calculated may be up for debate, but it's all ambiguous anyway, right?) and quit my job and join the Peace Corps (if I can get in!) Self-worth, here I come!

On August 15th, I submit my application for Peace Corps.

I went in for an interview on September 10th (2.5 hours!)

Looking for opportunites for volunteer teaching or tutoring ESL, September 18th.

Submit my 3 weeks notice on September 28th...so excited but so nervous. I'm going to make every day the best day ever, I can't be miserable at my job everyday.

Yay for Peace Corps next year and for a new job until I go!