...And the decision must be made! One girl travels the maze of options to come to a major moment in her life. Johns Hopkins or Emory. Public Health. Best school or best school for her. This decision will be like no other that's come before it.

I was writing that with the movie trailer voice. Did it catch you with its suspense and deep manly voice? And I actually have made a decision like this - in undergrad. I can't say that was a good decision either. We all know decisions aren't my strong point. Let me break it down.

Emory: ranked #7, strong global health, amazingly approachable profs, already offered TA position, scholarship $$, RPCV community, leadership position in MI, other interesting scholars, work study experiences both years and strong career services, warm weather and cheap livin.

BUT: not strong MCH focus and many young just out of college white chics. I once was that girl too - not knocking them - they just need some more experience first.

Johns Hopkins: ranked #1, flexibility in program in pop fam, very strong MCH, diverse and interesting students (while diverse in the MPH outside of the dpt), get her done faster, 6 month internship.

BUT: no scholarship, busy busy faculty with little face time, research focus, "intense" students (that's not my description), little help in finding internships/jobs.

Less than 24 hours to make this major decision. POST COMMENTS PLEASE!!

Sorry it took so long to terminate this blog with a proper closing. I finished my 2 years, 3 months or 27 months if you want to think about in a longer version of time. I loved my 2 years - seriously. I miss my kids so much, my women friends, and the constant forced exercise up and down those hills. Living in beauty wasn't so bad either. I will visit again in the next couple of years and I call my friends every month at least to keep in touch.

Having stated that, I am happy to be back in the US of A. I mean really. How can I not? I lived in poverty where I couldn't buy cheese, usually meat, and wine. Then I would only be able to get out of town by 6 am on a 5 hr bus to my friend's house. That same 5 hrs now brings me to Montana for a visit to a PC friend. No flooding or landslides. No snakes in my room. But certainly less satisfying work as well. Well...that would be if I had a job.

The goodbyes were so sad - especially when Faviola started bawling - I was a mess those last 2 days. And then the hellos on the otherside were amazing. My family met me at the airport for a tearful hello followed by pizza and beer - how American can you get? Welcome parties in Boston and NH - exciting reunions with all my friends one by one. Everyday was a surprise to who I would see and what I would do.

I went to Maine and stayed at my dad's, went boating and wakeboarding (barely) many lovely days with Dan and friends, partied like it was 2002 and I was 17 again (wahoo), went to Israel, went out west to UT, ID, WY, MT and visited dear friends, and family events - wedding, clam boil, baby shower out in PA. Lauren got married and I caught up with lots of old friends.

It was an amazing summer and I'm so blessed to have so many loved ones and have enjoyed these last months.

Now, though, plans aren't working as well as I hoped. No job, no apt, not sure where I'm going to grad school. And I'm actively pursuing all these avenues, but no luck. I have to be patient, but I need some meaning in my life and sitting here kicking it writing this blog just doesn't quite cut it. I know patience! All the patience I learned in Guatemala seriously. But I just want the next phase to begin and to do something fabulous and interesting - is that too much to ask?

Although still 2 weeks left, I say goodbye to all 4 schools this week. I haven’t been emotional yet, but think maybe these kids will bring the tears out of me. I am giving each school a framed 8x10 photo of all of us as my going away, but let’s see what they plan for me. Oo this will be fun. I am going to detail each event…

Monday – the school in my town

I love these kids. I was hoping for some goodbye party, but wasn’t sure if they would do anything. I came with my backpack geared up to play games, and one of my students, Sonia, asked me, ¨Are you planning to give classes?¨ I said, ¨No. ¨ And she replied, ¨Ok good because we have planned something for you.¨ They then explained to me they had prepared some activities, a soccer tournament, and lunch. They asked me what I thought about that. ¨This sounds like a great plan! I`m pumped.¨ Everyone was happy! So the games began. Although in jeans and low platform sling backs, I played soccer with the girls, got my exposed feet stomped on, and made a goal for a penalty kick. All the girls said, ¨Seño, you can play soccer! Why didn’t you tell us?!¨ Well, of course I can play 8th grade soccer – that´s when I stopped playing. I was pretty happy about my goal I´m not gonna lie. Then they had spent all morning decorating the room with the typical decorations and a mother had prepared lunch for all us and they gave me beautiful hand-woven gifts, one from each grade. I love these kids. It wasn’t the teachers who planned it, but the 9th graders who I have had in all 3 grades and who m I love. It was a wonderful way to begin a week of goodbyes.

Tues – 40 min school away

A long walk there, I arrived sweaty and tired with a cold. BUT my kids turned my day around. There didn’t seem like there was anything formal so I said let´s go outside and play games. We started with various camp like games, but the boys were sullen and wouldn’t play. They only wanted to play soccer so we conceded and had a mixed gender game where I was also told I am so good at soccer. Hahaha. Mb I should try out for the next world cup huh. If they only knew. Then we returned to the classroom only to be brought aside by one of the teachers – a distraction so the kids could prepare. This teacher is great at stalling because he is a talker. 5 min later we finally entered the room which was decorated with balloons and the kids starting clapping as I entered. It was really sweet. They served a lovely albeit huge snack of tostadas with pico de gallo – which I love although in smaller amounts – and cake. The kids all said something really sweet to me and they gave me this giant frame and photo of the whole school – well there are only 24 kids and 2 teachers. One of my students then invited us all to lunch at her house and I ate a ton more, but her family was really sweet to prepare something for me as a going away event, even though I barely knew them. People are just awesome here, so kind. Then I said goodbye and trotted on back up the hill to home.

Wed – Favorite school

As is their style, this school surprised me again with an awesome goodbye. They told me yesterday afternoon that we would be leaving the school to go to a rec park and I´d be picked up in a truck the following morning. Two fathers drove accompanied by 3 other parents, all 3 teachers came, and obvi all my amazing students. Of course, as is always our luck, it was freezing cold this morning and raining. I think another storm is coming – great. Anyway, we took 2 trucks and as usual, one of them broke down so they returned to town to get another. Finally we were on our way, stocked well with food and water, and hopeful for sun. Because the roads are so muddy, we couldn’t take the cars all the way to the park and had to walk a tiny steep path in mud instead. Everyone said they wanted to make my goodbye party tough so I would remember it. Haha chistes. The boys got right to playing soccer and there was a kickin playground (well if u haven’t seen one in 2 years) and I was on the see-saw and teaching my kids how to increase their flexibility. The moms were making lunch and I put in my effort – kinda – and peeled and cut up some veggies. But the moment of basketball came and I have to say I have never shined in a sport more. They don’t really play bball here and barely know the rules so I dominated – not to mention I have a full foot on each of them. Rebounding is awesome when you are a giant! I felt like I finally belonged on the A team. Sergio and I were a kicken team and beat the other team by a mere 2 points. Playing bball in Guatemala or soccer with the girls is a huge self-esteem booster but I will be shut down if I try to play in the US. The rain decided to come back – again – but luckily it was lunch time – my favorite time. AND they made my fave dish – churasco which is like thin steak meat I think. So yummy. The boys hit the pool where I wussed (sp?) out and was chastised for not swimming. The pool was tiny though cuz the large one was being cleaned and it had been so cold all day I didn’t want to go. I know no excuse. And then the time came for more goodbye speeches. The teachers and kids all said such sweet things and everyone gave me a hug and some women lingered and started crying and then I started yet still had to give my goodbye speech. I love these kids so much. It was a wonderful day, although long, and I will seriously miss every one of these kids and teachers. This whole day was so costly for kids and families who have so little, but they wouldn’t even accept a cent from me. These are such loving wonderful giving people. I am so lucky – I do realize that.

PS playing sports 3 days in a row and hiking down a mountain leaves my old legs feeling sore and me feeling old.

I found that someone had takin a poo in the shower. Of course I didn’t discover this until after being in the shower for some time as I don’t wear my glasses while bathing. Luckily I didn’t step in it and Yolonda thinks it was one of the kids who was playing at the house – cucaracha. Also discovered a giant 4 inch bug in there today – Yolonda didn’t know what it was but assessed it as an arrival of the rains. Another note of interest – if you flush the toilet before washing your hands, the sink starts spitting water everywhere and gets you wet – something I always forget. And then there is the shower, which I am really lucky to have in the first place, but is finicky. You have to turn it on just enough so the water is hot, but with little pressure. If you want pressure, you forego the warm water. Little tidbits of bathroom life I forgot to share.

On a happy bug note, while gone at COS conference, I missed the plague of the tiny flying bugs that come with the first rains. Hooray!!

I haven’t written an entry in 20 days. How odd. I am usually full of words, but lately have just been full of thoughts. My time is ending here and I am soaking it all up while simultaneously obsessing about my near future return to the United States. Contradictory as I usually am. And I´m not feeling all that worried – although I should be – but it´s mostly just thinking. About my change of lifestyle and the things I will soon get to have that I have done without for so long. And as soon I´m back and comfy I bet I will be missing all the things back here in Guatemala – also characteristic of my personality. Anyway, I find nothing worth writing about these days. Not that life isn´t busy.

We had our Close of Service Conference for PC last week and it was full of helpful transitional ideas, job/ resume/ grad school stuff, and practical PC info like health care. Damn I will have to pay for health care when I get back! Beyond the meeting and some heated discussion on the new out of site policy, there were emotional outbursts, tears by mostly all, and some pretty good food and comfy beds. Oh and the shower had such a strong force it was amazing. Finally saw The Jersey Shore – ridiculous! And it was really nice to see everyone all together (our training group) for the first time since last July. So all and all it was nice…and then I got a bad cold of course. Not enough sleep ie. not 10 hours every night.

Then I´ve been back in site busy as hell – classes, last project plans, and many To-Dos on the list. Taught cakes to one school the other day, we made rellenitos with my womens group – delicious – and we baptized the baby Juan Jose. I can´t be the god mother (and not because of the reasons you might assume) because I am not married. But I was there and then we had a lunch celebration back at the house. I have a family planning training planned – well 2 actually for the coming month and then more macadamia nut planting. Then the last couple weeks will just be lots of goodbyes and having some fun.

I have loved my 2 years here, but notice I am becoming less reflective than I used to be so I am sure when I get back to the US with lots of reflection time I will probably see things in a whole new light. Something I cannot do while I am still in it. But whatever. I have life long friends here and a refined outlook on life – mine and more largely of the world. I don’t know everything nor really anything but I know something and the keys to happiness. With that, how can life ever be bad again? It may be tough, but I am grateful for it all. Appreciation for life and all its beauties.

Apparently there is a lack of solid information about the recent crisis in Guatemala. I know, there´s always some crisis in this poor country. Hurricane Agatha hit with heavy rains for 3 days all over the country. The only area not affected was the Peten. I am happy to report we are all okay in my town and our houses are still standing. What was taken away however is land, many people´s land near the river. Since there is water in the river, there is farm land nearby with sustenance crops such as beans and corn and selling crops like peppers, tomatoes, and carrots…all wiped out. People will not be able to eat nor sell. In my house, Rodolfo set up an irrigation system on his land, just recently finishing with expensive hoses and more than a year of work…all gone. His land is higher than the river but was washed away by the rains. Erosion and mudslides tore up land and the roads. I went down to the river to see for myself and it was 3 times its original size and just literally ate huge chunks of land. It looks as if they never even existed except a few signs of corn stalks. A concrete bridge they have been working on for years – wiped out. All that stands is a pillar tilted to its side. There were no winds – this was all water damage. Heavy rains for 3 days water damage. We watched the land break off and slide down behind our house. Two days without electricity but luckily it returned today. We are so fortunate nothing worse happened, but this loss of land will certainly affect my community. Not far off, there are villages that were completely torn up by another river not leaving a sign of a house. These people have it much worse off and we are so sad for them but thankful for our good fortune. The large town is moving to help the people and the president claims to send more help. We only hope this is true. When Hurricane Mitch came along, much like Agatha, news crews, senators and other government officials came to report on the damage…the people however saw nothing, no help of any kind. We can only hope this government is different…fat chance. In that grain, we will be holding drives in the schools for basic necessities and I may in the coming weeks ask if you will help as well. Natural disasters are nobody´s fault, but they certainly leave a devastating effect.

I went to Nicaragua for a little over a week and it was a much needed break from country life. It recharged my batteries to return to Guatemala for these last 2 months with energy and gratitude. Every moment is now to be treasured and I´m not nearly so frustrated as before. I`m back to my more slightly optimistic attitude of viewing the world. So I got to Nica on a Friday and then my friend from Hampton, Marc, came Sat night and we went straight to the colonial town, where we spent 2 nights in this sweet, interestingly designed, hostel, called Oasis. We took a tour of the isletas, of which there are 350. Over 800 years ago, the nearby volcano blew and created these tiny islands, where there are bunkers left from the Spanish conquistadores days, and mansions of the very wealthy. Overpriced as it was, it was still nice to get on the water with a local man and his son. We then sat at a restaurant and got a nice cold margarita and later some delish shrimp dish at this fun restaurant where there was a dance stage and live band. I thought there was a wedding scheduled or something, but no, every day is a party in nica! Marc and I hit the dance floor for a meringue. Then we melted the day away in the tiny pool in the hostel. The heat is oppressive there! Sweating, dying of humidity all day long. We made quick friends with a bottle of rum, Flor de Caña, which is amazing Nicaraguan Rum, that Marc bought and met our new travel mates, Dominic from Germany and Rens from Holland, both really fun chill guys. For the next 4 nights, we all hung out together.

The next day we moved on to Ometepe, by far my favorite place. It´s made up of 2 islands connected by a land bridge, surrounded by a huge lake. We stayed on the beach, which looks like any sea beach but the water was beautiful and interestingly, boasts the home of sharks, the only sweet water lake to have these sharks. No worries. We were in shallow water. Nicaragua is still fairly un-touristy so we were nearly the only people at our hostel and on the beach. It was lovely. The next morning rise and shine at 5 except that my alarm didn’t go off so our guide how to knock on my door with the public bus waiting outside for us to get our stuff together. Oops. My bad. We were started on our 8 hour hike by 7 and made it to the top at 1 pm. Our guide was a pretty cool guy, knowledgeable about the fauna and flora of the area and a lively fella. It was pretty long and tiring though and the last up and down to the crater was all mud so I got dirty but it was really fun. The crater was a little disappointing because it`s just a lake surrounded by grass. Dying of heat, I ran directly to the lake, only to get stuck in what can only be described as quick sand. My feet just sank and I stared at them with shock and worry until people started shouting to get out…except I couldn’t. As I sank to my shins, the guide thank god came to pull me out. We ate a lunch of tortilla chips and a bag of beans, a meal I was made fun of for the night before, but which everyone loved and was grateful. See manda knows what she`s talking about. The hike down was a bitch because my sneakers are 6 years old and have no grip left so I was slipping down the volcano most of the time. But we finally made it to the look out, which was amazing. Standing on one volcano, we could see the land bridge and the connecting volcano and that was spectacular. However, we still had 2 more hours of hiking down, to all our disappointed surprise. Yet we made it down by 4 pm and were lucky to find a pick up to bring us back to our hostel. I grabbed a nice cold flavored water and another bottle of pure water and rehydrated. Was soooo thirsty. After a quick break, watching the sunset and lying on the beach in happiness, we went for a crappy dinner. That´s the only drawback to Nica – the foods not so great…anywhere. We found another German traveler and drank on the beach, with everyone talking about politics, world issues, and me just relaxing. Sleep soon took over and the long but fun day came to an end.

On to San Juan del Sur for 2 nights, where the beach and the surf is big. It was nice but cloudy and when I tried to sunbathe the next day, the tide soon kicked me out. Having been to lots of beautiful beaches, it wasn’t my favorite, but it was a nice town filled with tourists, but locals as well. We sadly said goodbye to our travel buds who headed on to Costa Rica and then we followed suit the following day back to Managua, the capital. We hung out with this other guy who now lives in Turkey, tried to get in to a typical dance show, but at $10, opted to go across the street, passing 5 hookers and their pimp on the way. We entered this weird bar that seemed geared towards the retired. On a huge screen, Barry White from a 1970s show was playing hits. And then a woman started singing…live music like I wanted…but all covers to The Beatles, Chicago, and a little Spanish medley. Very random! Marc flew out the next morning and then I was sad. Everyone had left me! So I cheered myself up by buying a dress for the weddings and going to the movies, the first time I have been to the movies in 2 years and saw Iron Man 2, although I never saw Iron Man 1. It was really fun – I even splurged on popcorn to get the full effect. The sound was awesome and I realized how much I miss movie theatres. So after another day of sun bathing by the hostel pool, I finally went to the airport and flew home…to Guatemala that is.

So overall, Nicaragua was a really fun trip and even had a little romantic adventure to boot. Being there reminded me how much I love to travel and I´m going to keep doing it. I can´t promise anything until I come home, but I am feeling inspired to go backpacking for a few months. I have no responsibilities…and no money, but I can scrape some together. I`m young still and have a new interest in hiking – as long as I don’t have to carry anything, and this is the time to do is. Why not right? Here`s to life!

Faviola turned 6 the day her mother went into labor so of course there was little focus or celebration for her. They had told me we would celebrate her bday the same day as the party for the new baby, which I assumed would be like a week or 2 later. So I kept telling Favi that when we celebrated her bday I`d give her the gifts from my parents and me. Finally, she told me, ¨We already had the party the day the baby was born.¨ Since I came home late that day I didn’t realize. Also that seems pretty ridiculous to have a party after being in labor for 18 hours, but that`s just me. So I told her today, 8 days after her bday, we would have a special celebration. She is starting to feel left out and sad because the baby got new clothes, lots of love, and lots of attention, and of course, having been an only child and adored by all, she was feeling sad. To cheer her up and remind her she is truly loved, I made her a cake, chocolate – her choice, and we sang happy birthday and chatted. And finally I asked her, ¨Are you ready for the gifts?¨ She went ballistic! My mom gave her all this new clothes, a Diego video, Dora book, Dora card. My dad gave her homemade woolen gloves – I`m not sure if you realized that Dad, but I passed those on to her and she loves them. She tried on all the clothes it was cute. Man why can`t I have a niece of my own, or a daughter maybe? Faviola is one of the happiest, most delightful children I have ever met. She finds excitement in anything and cheers everyone up, from her ailing grandma to her little friend, Cockroach. We have so much fun together and it has been a privilege to see her grow up in these 2 years. Children grow so fast – it is astounding. Celebrating her 6th birthday today cheered me up too. I`m reminded of the people I love. Feliz Cumpleaños mi Bebita Loca.

We were playing today when Faviola says, in slow words …..puta…dora. ¨WHAT?!¨ I said. Puta means whore and Dora is her favorite show – Dora the explorer. Then she said it faster, ¨computadora¨. Oh thank god. She got it right this time and didn’t call me a puta but was just talking my computer. Close call there.

I do my very best here trying to stay positive, live in the moment, and never take anything for granted. However, I have weaknesses (I know this comes to a shock to you). Like everything in my life, two years – and I`m bored. Well 2-3 years usually. I just get senioritis in every life experience instead of living in the last moments, moments I will miss when back to US life. I am still living my life the same here: classes, English, hanging with families, women´s group, etc., but I feel I`m losing zest. I get excited when things are canceled due to weather or teachers` meetings. I don’t know why I want anything canceled. I mean it´s not like I have exciting things back at home, but I enjoy the comfort of my private room, reading, watching the WIRE, eating horrible food for me like cookie dough, and playing on the computer (without internet of course). I am looking at career info and more intensely, graduate school stuff, and I am not sure what I want to do exactly and where I want to go.

Anyway, with less than 3 months left, I am feeling that itch and its itching badly in its desire for change. Many people fear change and to a great extent I hate it. Having to adapt to a new life, new friends (or maybe old), finding a job, a place to live. It`s all unsettling and it takes me a couple months to adapt and I am always pissed at myself for making that change in those first fearful months. But I enjoy it in the long run which is why I make those changes. I love challenging myself in new skills, personal growth, and cultural learning. I love traveling and I love that steep learning curve of a new job or new experience. I may cry at first, but there`s something about that adventure that makes me feel very alive. I am not so adventurous when it comes to heights or to even the outdoors. In those cases, I am a wimp, but to life`s adventures, I say, bring it on! I may never be at peace in one place, one job, hell maybe even one husband. Change is thrilling and I`m looking forward, maybe a bit too much, to my next change, to my next adventure, even if I cry when I get there.

Well this month has already been amazing. My cousin got engaged, I am an ¨aunt¨ for a beautiful baby boy, and one of my amazing friends came to visit. Christine and I met in Spain, although both from BU, and we became fast friends. She is amazing person and so awesome and intelligent and international and she came to visit! Wahoo. It was a different experience than most of the other visits because 1 – she speaks Spanish and could communicate without any problems and 2 – I am integrated and really live here so it was different for me to show her around. It was really wonderful actually and we fit in a lot in 6 days. For holy week, we were in Antigua for the processions and the lake at gorgeous Casa del Mundo where we met two sisters who were totally awesome and enlightened. They reminded me of my lost sister, Alicia, into alternative healing methods, spiritual and unique. They were lovely. Then we were off to my house for 2 nights – I taught classes, we had a women’s meeting and baked cinnamon buns, and had a cultural exchange with one school. Christine met all my best friends and spent time with the women`s group. Then we flashed forward 100 years to the current day and went to the city where I met her friends from grad school who have 2 daughters, 2 maids, 2 drivers/body guards, and live in a far different world than I. They were really sweet though and drove me around to the doctor all day and even halfway home and offered to take me anywhere anytime. Although in a different world than my own, they are aware of that other Guatemala, the majority of their country, and do things to help out in small, but significant ways. They were truly kind people and those are the people I get to meet here, whether wealthy or poor. In general, Guatemalans are so kind and loving. I am so lucky to know many of them. And thank you Christine for visiting! It meant a lot to me.

That sounds like an interesting title for an army vs guerillas sabotage or something. But no. It`s literally hide and seek between two 5 year olds, Faviola and her cousin. Their version is a lying hide and seek. They hide behind my bed, sometimes with a blanket on their head, sometimes not, but always in the same spot. And then Faviola will come in looking for Maynor and I will say, ¨I think he is in the bathroom.¨ all the while, we both know he`s back behind my bed again. So she runs off for the bathroom and comes back, saying, ¨No not there!¨ and this goes on for a bit until I say ¨well maybe check behind the bed¨. Finally she does and they both start cracking up as if she had no idea he was there. It is hilarious…and not exactly hide and seek, but they are the most adorable kids I know.

Yolonda had her baby boy, huge baby boy at 10 pounds. She had that naturally, no drugs, and near death. A lot has been going on in the family and stress brought on early labor pains, but no labor. For over a week and a half she had pains and we thought the baby would come any day, but it didn’t. It came today at 930 am, and I missed it. I did really want to be there, but a friend was visiting and I was gone from home that day. It`s okay and was obviously meant to be or I may have freaked out. I came home today at 6 pm and finally got to see him. Even at 10 lbs, he is tiny and so precious. The labor was difficult I guess and she hadn’t eaten anything all day so starting labor at night and lasting til the next day was tough. Right after she managed all her strength to ¨dar la luz¨ or give birth, she passed out and started dreaming, but not in the usual way. She felt she was slipping away to the other side. Rodolfo gave her basic CPR and they splashed alcohol on her face and used some herbs and she came back to life, but I can`t imagine. I love her so much and if she had died I don’t know what I would do. So scary. I am all for natural birth and home births, but we are far from a hospital and I am sure in the US they would have made her get a C-section for his size and apparently he almost died also. The umbilical cord was wrapped twice around his neck and the shitty ultrasound we had apparently didn’t pick up on it, or rather the technician. Man, the lack of good quality health care – both could have died which would not have been even a possibility in a good hospital. Thankfully the midwife is wonderful and delivered the baby and saved the mother. Really thank God. Thank God. So both are doing well and Yolonda is catching up on some sleep, but the baby is next to her and wakes her all the time to feed. Not to mention people come over all the time and wake her as well. I`d like to tell them to stay away and give her some time to recover, but they are all good intentioned. I changed the baby today with a new outfit my mom sent. He is tiny, like nothing I have ever felt. I have babysat for babies over 4 months, but 1 day? I have never even seen a newborn. It is just as my mother has always told me. It is the miracle of birth.

One of my 9th grade classes is full of very very curious adolescents. One boy in particular and one girl – man the questions they ask sometimes makes me blush. As we are just starting to talk about sexual education this year (and believe me we talked about it a lot last year!) I asked if there were any questions or doubts they wanted to clarify before we begin. I didn’t realize half the class would be devoted to these questions! My boy student, let’s call him Brian, asked the following: Are there different size condoms? Do they fit everyone? – I explained most are normal size except magnum and they should fit. I also mentioned textured and flavored condoms just to up one. Then he asked: What happens if the condom gets stuck in the girl, can she become pregnant? – I said that´s why you have to hold the condom when you pull out so that doesn’t happen and yes if it tips out she can become pregnant. Then: How long should you have sex for? – I explained for it to be pleasurable to both the man and woman (yes we are only talking hetero sex – this is Christian country), longer can be better. I said between 5 min to 4 hours, but that normal is probably 20 -30 min. They were pretty shocked by that one. Then Sara asked if you can have sex when you have your period and not get pregnant. The questions continued until Brian said, I have a personal question. I said if it´s about you personal cool, but if its about me, I don´t think so. My life stays private. I know these kids trust me and we have developed a good relationship but I was still thrown off balance by some of these questions. I had them write a journal entry after the class if they planned on having sex in the next few years and why. Brian goes, ¨Ya and nobody lie.¨ He certainly didn’t admitting that yes he would like to have sex in the next 3 years but he is a little scared of getting the girl pregnant. Thank god! Most said they are planning to wait awhile even though they would like to have sex. I am trying to push other forms of sexuality instead of just intercourse to teach them there are other ways of experiencing their sexuality without having a child. I don´t remember being so curious at their age, but im sure I was. It is very interesting to see such a change in attitude in just one year. And to think 2 years ago they were still prepubescent children. They grow up so fast! I am happy to be here to teach them how to prevent pregnancies and STIs because damn they are curious teenagers.

Yes finally after 3 months of studying, I took the GREs yesterday. PHEW. I am happy with my score and did pretty well and most importantly am done with studying. Time for fun and grad school apps. 

Last night I dreamt of several different family reunions and woke up feeling very homesick. I often miss things but rarely feel actual homesickness, but I recall how whenever something is ending, I start to feel more strongly about returning or beginning the next phase. When I was in Spain, I was horribly homesick the last month and well in Australia, because of the boy back home, felt even more so. But rarely in Guatemala have I actually wanted to go back home so much I felt a little sad. I think fondly of home, but am so content here haven’t really wanted to be anywhere else…until now, now that it is all ending. Knowing in 3 months I will see everyone and maybe live more conveniently I am missing things and people terribly right now. It´s funny how the proximity of it makes me miss it all more. I miss my family and friends and the things we do together. I miss just chatting with them for hours and hours instead of the 1 hr a week on the phone. And to be honest, I am getting a little tired of being poor. I am completely able to live within my means, but I can´t eat what I want, go where I want, or get there the way I want. I miss delicious food and restaurants and again, a car. It´s been so hot lately I don´t want to walk miles to get everywhere. If I had never known better I wouldn’t be able to miss anything, but I DO. I DO know delicious food and I DO know some amazing people back home and I miss all that. I can´t wait to see it all again in just a few months. I know, then I´ll be back home and I´ll say, oh I how I miss the simplicity of my Guatemalan life. As my dad says, ¨never satisfied white woman¨. Totally true.

Yolonda told me the other day of her mother´s dream. She dreamt the baby was white! The baby Yolonda is carrying. She then explained to Yola that because I live so close to her and we always hang out, I am spreading my whiteness to her baby so it will be born looking like me. Even Yolonda just laughed at this one. I said, ¨Oh then maybe I should sit closer to you so it comes out very white¨. She just laughed at this and said, ¨Oh the thoughts of the old people!¨

We are so lucky to live in America, a country that generally believes in equality of gender. I know there are still struggles, but to me has never been an issue. My parents taught me I could do whatever I wanted in life. I have always believed that. I still do. I want the career. I want a husband and I want babies. But it´s not mandatory. And with babies, I can still work. My husband can still help with laundry, and I won´t be beaten as an acceptable form of communication. A couple in town I know well has been having problems for some time. I tried to talk to them together to help them see each perspective. I was not biased and was able to see both sides. They told me things were going pretty well for awhile, but clearly that has changed. The husband routinely beats his wife. She asks him ¨where are you going?¨ and he says ¨it´s none of your business¨. They begin to fight, he pulls out his machete and hits her in the face with it. Their daughter told all this to me. They are poor, he is barely working anymore and gives nothing to his wife and she, thankfully, is receiving a little something from her daughters living in the US. They want to separate and have split the house into 2 sides, but they still fight and he still beats her. I know this happens in the US and it´s difficult there as well, but I feel much more powerless to help here. There are no laws in town to stop this. There are no police you can call and the community members sometimes take things into their hands, but mostly what a man does to and with his wife is his own business. There is still very much that idea that men are in control and can do whatever they want. They dictate the rules. This husband doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong. He feels in control and powerful and sees it as his duty to do so. I can´t say every man is like this, but equality of sexes is far from happening in my village. The kids are on to something and say women have all the same rights as men, but they represent a small population in this thinking. Ah it makes my blood boil. A 50+ woman has been beaten her whole married life and there is little to be done. She could live with a daughter, but I don´t think her son-in-law would let her live there. He, too, while he doesn´t think it is acceptable to beat a woman, believes marriage issues are between the 2 people and no one else should get involved. And his word carries more weight so the daughter can´t do what he doesn’t sanction. And I? I tried, I am not supposed to really know, and I can´t get too involved. I´m not from here. I am going to check in the bigger town if there are any groups about domestic violence that could do something here though.

I will try to end on a happier note. While sexism is prevalent, some men have realized beating their wives is not okay. I went to a birthday yesterday of a man turning 80, an evangelical man, who believes when he found Jesus (although he was catholic before) was saved and became a better man. He had beat his wife and treated her badly for their first 8 years of marriage, but when he found Evangelism, stopped drinking and stopped abusing his wife. Thank God indeed. That´s another good thing about the Evang people – they don´t drink which means there is less abuse of wives and children. I don´t know what really goes on inside their houses, but the few evang women I know while still not equal to men, seem to have a bit more say in life and presence in church. Here I am again pushing the evang faith. Haha. It scares me quite honestly, but sometimes they do it better and I must give props where they are due. So women, we must keep fighting for ourselves, but more importantly our sisters of other countries who still lack basic rights and often fear for their lives. Guatemala is bad, but it is far worse in many countries where femecide, genital mutilation, and complete lack of rights are practiced and accepted. There are some very good Non profits and organizations doing human rights work for women like Equality Now. Check them out. Let´s be thankful for the women´s rights movement in our country and how far we have come. I took for granted our rights in the US, but am reminded of them everyday in Guatemala.

I have written some scathing comments about men and to be honest, for good reason, and I do have some very negative feelings for the male sex in general - sorry. They have hurt some people very close to me, and hurt them more than anyone else ever has or ever could whether here in Guatemala or in the US. The things they do worldwide are worse. I could go on and on about the shitty things men have done, but to keep throwing out that negative energy is not good. There are also some very great men I know and let´s hope the other 95% of their sex will strive to emulate them. Most, well currently all, of those men live in the US, but I thought I should acknowledge them for my sake as much as theirs. I must tip my hat to Beau for being a gentleman and really interested in how I am doing and what I am doing here and reading these blogs. To Ross who has great suggestions for my work and who gets as pumped as I do about development. To Joe for showing me not all men run from the first sign of crazy. To Geary who treats my sister well and always wants the very best for me. And to Justin and Newman who always treat women well and are respectful good friends. Now there are other good men I know out there, and probably some I forgot here, but these are the top in my experience. I say thank you to them for treating women well (generally - hey none of us perfect) and especially for treating me well and reminding me that there are indeed some very great men out there.

There are times I am a judgmental person, but in a surprising way. To crazy Christians who try to recruit me? No. To conservative people in town who don´t believe in contraception? Ok maybe a little bit, but I can see their perspective too. But when it comes to direct interactions with me, when it becomes personal, when it is my good friends, I can be a bitch. I have been like this for too long and while I have improved there is still much to be worked on. I make people feel bad about themselves whether that means bringing attention to bad habits like alcoholism, drug issues, narcissism, perve behavior, or implying that they should be more giving to others in monetary ways like donating. But who the hell am I to judge? Nobody of course. And pointing out others weaknesses is my biggest weakness. No wonder why there are ¨friends¨ at home who don’t talk to me anymore. It is hard for me to keep my mouth shut when moved emotionally. When I am pissed off at a guy for past behavior and hold him accountable still today, I am being bitchy. If I´m still angry at him, I should just not be friends with him instead of making him feel bad about himself. When my friends don´t donate to my scholarship fund, I shouldn’t make conjectures as to why and think them selfish, not if I want to keep a friendship. I need to communicate in other ways if I am upset, like being completely honest or just telling them about the options of donation and the effects. Information is fine to give, but without the judgment tag. I cannot begin to understand others perspectives and reasoning for things and as I am far far far from perfect and cannot judge them either. I am sorry to all who have been the victim of a bitch comment. I am clearly still immature in relating emotions through words. Please help me be a better person and point this out to me when I do it.

I wore a scrunchy for the second time this month...in public. Not only is it a scrunchy but my seamstress friend made it out of my skirt remnants. It goes into a low pony tail which is part of the latin V slash mullet hair cut I have. I wear jelly like shoes all the village girls where and my own guatemalan friends make fun of me for wearing such cheap shoes. Yet I still get called Gringa. Come on! I am pure guatemalan.

That injury I got way back in the day from carrying beer and kegs at the Casino has come back. I have always had pain since that fateful day, but at least the US helped with some chiropractic work. Now I try some yoga which ultimately irritates my other back injury, the lower back thing from dancing. So I have been dealing with the discomfort for a good 4 years, but something new is happening. NOW my back freezes and stays that way longer each time. Sunday I pulled it again on the bus, holding on to the pole while giving the dude my bus fare. Oops. Yup Im 90 and pulled my back out on the bus and couldn’t turn my head for the next 24 hrs. Well now it´s improved somewhat with ice and lots of IBUprofin, but no not enough. I can´t even write on the chalkboard and I certainly can´t do my laundry which means tomorrow I am paying another woman to do it. I am mortified. I feel like that white girl who has a maid, even if Yolonda uses her too. But Yolonda is pregnant – you can see her belly 8 months preggers. I am just a weak whitie with a back problem. Again survival of the unfittest … I win!

I think I am somehow getting more stupid every moment. I started studying in December and now am retaking model tests I did last month and am getting MORE answers wrong. I don’t understand. I study almost everyday. Maybe this is the sign I have been needing all along – DON’T DO IT! Maybe studying public health and social work is too much for me. 2 degrees, double the work, and half the ability to deal with stress as before. I have never liked pressure, especially in relation to academics (and sports) but I have not been stressed in almost 2 years and this GRE business makes me cringe, get frustrated, and lowers my self-esteem. Yes I am giving self-esteem classes right now and realize indeed getting bad grades on tests does make one feel bad about themselves. I am a fine person. I can hold a conversation. I like to read. I do some good work. I have some friends. Maybe I should just leave it at that. Getting a 1300 plus on my GREs like my other smart friends just may not be my reality. So if that’s the case, so much for my public health degree. Back to the one degree in social work, even if it doesn’t come with the same kind of respect and clout. Whatever. It´s just my life.

I have been crazy busy…for my Guatemalan life… lately, but as usual quite content with what I am doing. I do love teaching and I love most of my kids. I have my favorite classes of course, which oddly are not the same at every school. I mean in Tiox I love the segundo, in CDJ, both tercero y segundo, and estancia, tercero. Every school has special grades that I just love. Anyway, so while I do love teaching when I am there, I often need the motivation in the morning to 1) get up and 2) be enthusiastic and talk all day. I am such a natural introvert that I´d rather work in an office alone getting stuff done, but once I am out, I much prefer that. Weird I know. Just have to muster up the motivation. But I have become so close with the kids that I can´t imagine being a teacher forever and seeing so many kids you love move on. Of course it´s a wonderful thing that they learn and graduate, but sad for me. And I will definitely be sad to say goodbye to them soon.

So classes as normal, but with a new teacher twist. I finally put my foot down and gave a workshop the other day on Participatory Education. It went very well and then I presented my curriculum and how I hoped they would start giving a class of it once per month. I am excited for this new step. Some teachers are great, but many could use improvement in more participatory education for the kids. Critical thinking skills I keep pushing. It´s imperative for them to have a better future to be able to think critically and more importantly to be taught this. Without education like this, they make rash decisions coupled with ignorance of pertinent information like contraception. Anyway, so teachers are now going to be giving some of my classes. Halleluiah! That only took me 2 years to get to.

GREs are busting my butt with many packets of vocab words (thanks to Rebecca), model tests, and ball-busting math problems I haven’t done since the SATs. I hope to be done with this soon with a better score as my reward.

More than this, life has become busy for social reasons, something I can´t complain about. I have 2-3 hr lunches with Paulina and her daughter, Lily, now talking about everything from boys, marriage, babies, assaults, and me leaving, which is now being discussed with sad expressions all around. Faviola and I still hang out all the time too (yes my 5 year old best friend haha). We dance around my room and act crazy. I love it! Kids have no filters and are so beautiful. I have become the local baker and am asked to make cakes quite frequently, something I will be happy to give up for awhile. Today the 5th graders had to look up names of animals in English so I had 3 separate groups come traipsing up the path to my house. I at least made them pronounce the words, something they were totally embarrassed to do, but mandatory I said if I am going to give you the answers. At least they kinda learned something…kinda. Now I am teaching literacy to Yolonda. I have no experience in this but I know the alphabet and how to read and write so that has to qualify me something right. I have more time than Rodolfo and lots of patience. We started today. She knows the alphabet more or less, but needs a review of the letters, both capital and lower case and the difference between j, f, and g, was a struggle. But she is super smart and motivated to learn. So I gave her some homework and hopefully she will soon be able to read some basic words at least. Any advice on literacy teaching would be appreciated.

So while I only have 4 more months here – holy shit! – I am still busy and feel busier every day with more invitations and fun to be had. I think about well maybe I could come back and do a family planning seminar here or something while I am studying public health. I even thought today maybe I could build a small house and then rent it out while I am not here. I know I know. But it´s hard to just leave a home. Hampton was my home. Boston was my home. And well, they still are because my heart is in both places, but there is something to be said for living in a rural village. All the people know me, say hi, and kids run up to me and walk with me wherever I go. I know all the town´s leaders and most of the gossip and understand the culture now here. I cannot say that for Hampton or Boston. Although I love the city and grew up in Hampton and appreciate its smallness, none of that can compare to a village without paved roads and including 2 major roads. Life´s simplicity is sometimes much more akin to our natural state of being and connecting with our inner heart than any large town can create. Another day of being appreciative for this experience and most importantly this town.

Hugo, a man my age, a peer by all intents and purposes, is about to get married. Shockingly, he has waited 5 years dating his girlfriend before getting engaged. AND he is a farmer, not even a professional. Usually people wait because they are studying and trying to find work, etc. But no. This kid is smart, just plain smart. He has worked hard for his money and is currently building a house, well 3 feet, literally, from his mother and 3 sisters, but you know, it´s his own block house. I brought up alcoholism, knowing his father was a victim of this illness. He said he had his year of drinking fun, but got over it quickly and now doesn’t drink. He saw what his dad did and felt helpless that he couldn’t make his father better and he only got worse and ending up dying soon after his last daughter was born. Ya, that wasn´t easy on his wife, bringing up 7 kids alone. And he was all mature talking about marriage and how big of a commitment it is; how he will be losing some of his freedom to be with another person. He can´t go hang out with his friends without ¨permission¨ and he has to be even more responsible. He clearly loves her, but is also marrying now because he is getting older and fears ending up alone, which let´s be honest is probably why most people get married – the fear of being left and single again. I know I know, isn´t it because people want to spend their lives together? Sure, but you can do that without getting married. The certificate and license makes it a whole lot harder to get out of. Cynical? Maybe, but at least I´m honest. As was he, admitting how afraid he is to get married. One of my friends once told me when he gets in a serious relationship, he freaks out and starts thinking about death. Something I didn´t get at the time until speaking with Hugo.

Hugo invited me to his wedding and then told me we are going to die…in so many words. He is super Catholic, and a good catholic, teaching catechism and visiting old sick people. I mean he is just a good guy, but he could have left out the death part of the talk. He kept saying we don´t know when we will die, only God knows. And we he comes we must accept it and not get angry. From earth he made us, and to earth we will return. He may come to recollect us soon; we just don’t know. Then he mentioned some key points as to why we are all going to die sooner rather than later. The world is getting hotter and he has noticed the change since his childhood. We both agreed on the damage humans are imparting on this world, currently not including ourselves in that equation. Maybe when I go back to the US, but here I live so much better, eating vegetables and meat from the local communities, thrift shopping, no tele, no car, less travel. I mean I have never left such a small footprint before. But as we all well know, it´s the rich countries that are destroying the world more than anyone. Um yes that would be the United States. So we agreed that due to this contamination and pollution of our planet, the world is changing. He of course thinks it is because of God. I, however, am swayed by science yet get the God card too. On top of the global warming in the town, we have had 3 small tremor earthquakes since 2010 began – yes that is in 2 months – and he is sure that this will just get worse. Then he pointed out where I live, under concrete and how this is the most dangerous house to be in during an earthquake. Thanks Hugo. But he said there is no point in resisting it; if God wants to recollect you, he will. Well there is some Buddhist thought in that – live in the present and don´t worry about the future or death. Although it is not the end of life, but a new step in your soul´s evolution, which I prefer to believe quite honestly. I mean you know I have accepted death as an inevitable whether tomorrow or in 60 years, but it will happen. I know that. And I mentioned how we must live every day fully, which he at least agreed to as well. But then I yelled, ¨I don´t want to die¨. And he said, ¨ok, let´s pray to God he gives us 50 more years at least.¨ Ok, God, I will make that deal. Give me 50 more years, and then you can recollect me.

So apparently, a young girl, the younger sister of my prior student is getting married. He is the kicker, she is Catholic and her soon to be husband is evangelical. She must be pregnant. My friends were all, but how will they get along? What church will they go to? Reminiscent of my parents relationship huh? Jew vs. Catholic. Now evang v. catholic. Except those last 2 believe in Jesus which you would think might help the situation. However, Catholics also believe in mary and evang no. Catholics need a priest to speak to God, evangs speak to him on their own and apparently believe in Jesus MORE than Catholics do. Although they did comment on how neither seems to go to church that much so maybe they are really just like modern day Americans, currently without religion. They differ, well maybe not from the rural westies, in that they are teens getting married. Man this kills me everytime. AND surprisingly, all the women were lamenting how they are so young, too young to be getting married. My friend, Lily, and the 21 year old daughter of my bff, Paulina, was all, ¨Hell No! I am not getting married for a long time!¨ I was so happy to hear her say that. She is a modern thinking woman, who has studied to be a nurse, will start working this year, and doesn’t think about getting married any time soon, and when she does, she wants her husband tested for HIV. This is my kind of girl. You can´t trust men here, you really can´t. EVERYONE has an affair and multiple girlfriends and lots of baby daddies and single mothers. It´s painful really. But Lily is way smarter than all that and I just hope she finds the one guy in Guatemala who will treat her well, be faithful, and not give her a fatal STD. Apparently, the HIV AIDS rate is increasing quite dramatically in Guatemala. Hmm why? Because condom use is not even on the minds of men and they sleep with lots of hookers and then go back to their wives and lovers. If they don´t bring back an STD, they just keep repopulating the planet themselves. I know of so many young girls who are dating married men, have already had their babies, and are not receiving a cent…yet still sleep with these assholes. If people would just learn about oral sex and condoms, this would be a different country entirely. It´s true. None of my students OR teachers had heard about oral sex…and I taught them. I mean I didn’t show them, I just presented it as an alternative to intercourse. We know these kids are curious and experimental and since the girls have such low self-esteem, they will do whatever the boys want, so maybe we can at least prevent pregnancy for a couple of years by giving erotic alternatives. I talk so bluntly of this because this is exactly how I talk to the kids. If adults are not comfortable with this topic, how can we impart knowledge to teenagers who learn nothing from their parents and everything from the street. We need to scare them into protecting themselves and present to them other options of safer sexual behavior.

Oops I went on a tangent. I didn’t even notice. I always have slipped the word ¨Oops¨ in my classes and one kid, goes ¨what is oops?¨ I was like you know, its like oops. Haha. How do you explain the word oops? So I said when you make a silly mistake or drop something or fall, you say oops. Then 10 minutes later he dropped his pen and says, ¨Oops.¨ Haha. We all cracked up laughing. Oops another tangent.

Ok so women! We are back to sex, marriage, and giving birth. Yolonda says that she cried when she found out she was pregnant. She was working in a nice home in Guate with a great family and just dating Rodolfo. There was another guy waiting in the background, but it seems Rodolfo won out by the oldest trick in the book – getting her pregnant. See how she likes that – 9 months wearing a sign ¨I am not available.¨ So Yolonda cried because she knew her youth was over and she would have to get married to this guy, who of course she is very much in love with now today. Since her mother didn’t know she was committing a sin, ie having premarital sex, she walked in the streets crying her eyes out. Obviously, she accepted this, but she was 24 at the time, which here is pretty old for marriage. It´s an interesting case. Raquel was 19 when she married and then had lots of kids. Paulina was 20, with now 6 kids. The rest of us just listened. And then began the birthing talks. Yolonda is going to give the light soon (translation= dar la luz), give birth, and is having cramps in her legs at night. She was concerned when she is in labor of having both the cramps and the mind numbing pain of natural child birth. The others said oh no no, you wont have the cramps. Oh good, just the mind-numbing birthing pains. Then Raquel told the story of her near death giving birth to her 5th child, when she was in labor for 48 hrs and just said, forget it, I can´t keep going. I am going to die. She closed her eyes as she prepared for death and was awoken with some force, life itself pulling her forward and pushing that baby out. She was crazy enough to have another child after that! That baby by the way is Luis, one of the kids who received a scholarship, studying nursing. Then marriage came. OOO even worse than 48 hrs of labor, being married. You can´t just do what you want or even sleep in. The husbands want their tortillas in the morning before they go to work in the fields, before 515 am. As I was staring at them in a look of fear, they commented, ¨Oh no. We are scaring Amanda. ¨ I said don´t worry. I was just thinking how if my husband said he wanted his tortillas at 5 in the morning, I would say, ¨I have an idea. Use your hands to make them¨. Obvi I am not ready for marriage, giving my life up in any way, and certainly not serving anyone like a slave. No thank you. I will stay single in my happy bubble of selfishness. We made lasagna and as I asked does anyone want a second piece, they all said, ¨Oh I am going to bring my second piece back to share with everyone else.¨ I said, well I am going to eat mine because there is no one else back in my house.¨ I may be single, but I get to eat all the lasagna I want and not have to share it! Haha.

Prepare to be scared...again.

I was at a luncheon today for Tina and her daughter, Virginia´s birthday celebrations. I made a cake and came upon some new faces. Tina´s sister´s family and the estranged daughter I had heard so much about. She disappeared for awhile, but apparently has communication with the family again, who now know her 2 young daughters. I hope that happens with my own sister. Anyway, so this girl was asking me all these questions about nutrition and infant care, etc., things I know nothing about honestly, save the few things I remember growing up, which are probably outdated at this point. Then later I got into quite a discussion with her brother and uncle about the rape of land on the other side of the river, a community where there are foreign companies mining for gold, silver, and bronze. They destroy the land and leave it barren, which is a huge problem since nearly everyone is a farmer in these communities and people in my village fear they will soon come here. This is a serious concern. The government is doing nothing about it and the townspeople are putting up a fight, but no one is listening it seems. They say this might lead to violence and war. God I hope not. Anyway, although I am a foreigner we were all discussing this as a serious threat to our community, here in Guatemala.

It was after this lunch I was reminded of what I want to do. I do need that education in Maternal Child Health, with the MPH, and social work. Living in a community, working with the people, you really get to know the issues and the people. I see myself working for an NGO, living in a community like this, and working to help people in family planning, reproductive health, and child health, while working within the family to help with immediate needs, mental health issues, and maybe some economic development (hopefully someone else would do that). But next time I don’t want to do this alone. I am seeing myself living in a quaint house like this in warm weather, in a village, with my husband and 2 young kids. The education may not be great, but as they are young, they can deal and we could supplement. 3-4 years work in the village and educate the people on some of these issues. Most people come from the city, people are not trusted. How much better it would be if the NGOs had representatives living in the community in a larger capacity. I know I know…I can´t plan my life away, but it sounds like a lovely little fantasy right now. Oh ya there´s that damn problem again…a man? That part always gets in the way of my plans! Haha. Saber – someday right?

I am not alone. I mean I am single, but I am certainly never truly alone. I have family in the states that loves me, calls me every week, and reminds me of that love. I have family here who invite me to their parties, lunches, birthday celebrations, and who hang out with me every week. I have students that have graduated and call just to check in. I may not have decent suitors (although they exist not so decently) but I am not alone. So this valentines day I won´t mope around because I do have someone in my life very important, me. I am here every day and living and happy and I spend time with that person every moment so I am lucky. I am not depressed. I am not wasting my life away. I am truly happy and content inside. I love and am loved back and that is the best present, not just for Valentine´s Day but all year round. I am spending V day exercising to NYC Ballet with Favi, making lunch, and then going with my friend to a big soccer game in town, yes a male friend. Hehe.

I started way too early and exhausted with a Benadryl hangover. I found my way to school, 30 minutes down the valley. And then classes began. Being with these kids always brings me to life. We talked about values in 7th grade, assertive communication in 8th, and making good decisions in 9th. I can see such a big difference amongst the grades. I can’t attribute it all to myself, but with the new kids, it´s like pulling teeth to get them to answer questions. They are so scared of messing up and so embarrassed to talk. The other 2 grades, who have worked with me over a year, are so comfortable with me, participate, and aren’t afraid to make mistakes. They know I am open and want to hear what they have to say. I nearly cried with the 9th graders today. Their homework was to write about someone they know who made a bad decision that has affected their life negatively. These stories broke my heart. Most were about neighbors or cousins, but some were more personal. One kid admitted to getting a girl pregnant who then got an abortion. Another spoke of his father who is an alcoholic and hasn’t worked in 2 months. His mother now is having an affair with another man. Another spoke of her cousin who got pregnant by a married man who then committed suicide and now she is a single mother. The stories of women having married men´s babies was quite popular and really sad to hear. You know that girl will be ostracized and suffer the rest of her life being a tainted single mother. We talked about these decisions and how the kids have the power to make better choices and live better lives. They really got this concept and know from seeing others, or experiencing it themselves, how tough life can be. Again I am thankful for my life, but feel for these kids. I wish there was more I could do to help them. I only hope they are able to live happy lives and avoid the mistakes of their parents and relatives.

After class, I walked directly to one of the scholarship kid´s family´s house. They had invited me to lunch and made pulique, the traditional dish here. The mother´s parents came too and we had a lovely time. I passed a couple hours there, talking about the US, my love of the aldea, and hearing about the past volunteer, who was very close with this family. They have 8 girl children ranging from 9 months to 21. I had an awesome time and got to be myself. The grandfather was quite the joker and everyone was in stitches (as my mom would say). He, just like the bus driver, Tono his nephew, was trying to convince me to stay forever. I told him I am perfectly happy here, just missing a husband and some kids. He said, well you can get that here. I explained, yes, but I need a tall guy. They all laughed at this and said they´d go look for one. I mentioned how Tono wants me to marry his sons, but they are in the states and I´ve never met them. They said OH, they are tall! There you go! Well, I don´t about that. They aren’t here so I cant say yes or no, but it was all in jest. With laughter sometimes you can push the envelope a bit too and I always end up doing that, which is well received. I love times like this because I feel myself and at home with friends. I went home for a couple hours no more and then headed to my women´s group surrounded by a lot of women and a bunch of babies who are adorable. We made delicious chocolate cake while chatting away and laughing at everyone. I returned home with Yolonda and Faviola completely content and loving my place here. I really have some good friends, and not just Guatemalans relationships, but real relationships. I may not be able to tell them everything. Hell, I can´t say everything to my American friends either. But we have a close relationship, almost sisterly like, and make plans when we´ll see each other next. If my biological family didn’t live so far away and I had a husband, I honestly could see myself living here for long time. I am happy here. I am me. I am content and at peace. It is hard to leave something so great. But I do miss my family and friends and want to be with them again too. I wish I could live with both. That is not quite possible, but I in this moment am really happy where I am.

Thank you so much to everyone who has donated to the scholarship fund. No matter how big or how small, all of you have helped me send 8 kids to high school. Some were already attending, but this financial help will make a huge difference in their lives. When I talk to the kids, sometimes they are shy, sometimes they are gloating with graciousness, saying thank you a million times. Every single one is grateful. And the parents, they are a different story. When they thank me, they look as though they are about to cry. They say I will go straight to heaven when I die, but I say I am just the intermediary. They say how wonderful these angels from the US are who are willing to give their hard earned money to kids they don’t even know. Thanks to your loving hearts, eight families can now sleep a bit better at night and not worry how they will feed their families and send their kids to school.

There is Elvira who has like 7 siblings, one of which is mentally handicapped. She is a shy girl, but so pure and innocent and a beautiful child, full of curiosity and love. She is studying to be a bilingual secretary with her best friend and my good friend, Glenda. Irma, who´s father died of alcoholism 10 years ago, is so outgoing and happy and hard working with this inner motivation of no other student I have ever met. She is studying hotel and tourism. Arcadio, a quiet boy, someone who has defended me and apologized to me for the behavior of some jerky boys, an awesome kid who calls me up and comes to visit to remind me how appreciative he is for the scholarship, is studying mechanics. Arcenia, the youngest child of some very old parents, is super bright and always on the peak of understanding the complex topics I would bring up. She is very curious and a good critical thinker. A beautiful girl, she is studying bilingual teaching. Elma is studying this as well, a girl who had to wait two years after 6th grade to enter middle school for lack of funds. She worked those 2 years to put herself through middle school and now has the chance to continue studying with your help. Alex, the happiest kid I have ever met, is the son of my best friend, Paulina. Their family of 8 works so hard and always are smiling no matter what they have been through. Alex waited a year before returning to school to help his father in the field and would return everyday with a big smile and a happy greeting for me. His family has done everything for me, feeds me, helped me settle in when I got here, attends everything I plan, and helps when visitors come. They are so giving and have never asked me for anything. Helping Alex helps the whole family and they couldn’t be more grateful. Alex is studying mechanics with Arcadio. Luis I`ll mention later. The latest addition is Sara and Claudia, 2 sisters of 8 girls in a poor, but loving family. Their parents, although with few resources, are set on sending all their girls to school and doing what they can to help them graduate with a career. Since Sara and Claudia graduated middle school together, they sent them both to high school at the same time. That means double the cost, coming from who knows where. They don’t ask for handouts but they do search for any extra help they can find and so Irlanda, their mother came to me as soon as she heard of the scholarship program. I am happy to help their loving laughing family of 10. The girls are studying computer technology and planning to attend the university on scholarship the following year.

I wish you could see their faces. One boy, my friend´s son, Luis, came to house the other day. I told him I wanted to talk to him. He is studying nursing and hoping to save money after working for awhile to become a doctor. I gave him the good news that we would be able to help him with a partial scholarship. This boy is always respectful, was a great student of mine, and works hard, but I rarely see emotion from him. When I handed him the Q1000 as part of his scholarship he looked a bit dumbfounded and started spewing words of thanks. He said,¨Wow. Amanda, I don’t even know what to say. Thank you so much. You have no idea how this will help me.¨ And he gave me a heart-filled hug saying he had to show me his thanks. It filled my heart. I pass that hug onto all of you who donated and again say thank you from the bottom of my heart for being such wonderful and giving individuals. I often get disillusioned with what is going on in the US and the heartless actions of many, but through this small project, I am reminded there are many good people and thank YOU for being that good person. I send you my love and the love of these students.

Integration in Peace Corps doesn’t have to do with race or class; it doesn’t even have to do with project success. Integration is when you are a part of the community and that I have achieved. The first day I cried on my furniture-less floor. The first few months I awkwardly introduced myself to everyone and made sure I said Hi as if it were a chore. Then I started getting close with people and living as much as I could like those around me and today I realized I´m integrated. I will never be seen as a Guatemalan. I will never work in the field every single day side by side with my family. But I can be me, a teacher, a reader, a gringa, single and childless at 25, and still fit in. Maybe some will see me as no more than a white girl in the village, but anyone who knows me only sees me, Amanda. I have great friends, both my students and their parents, who tell me their secrets, laugh at my jokes, and understand what I am doing here. They understand who I am and get what frustrates me in town. They invite me into their family, not asking anything of me in return. Just as in any village, whether tiny or large like Boston, you will never know everyone; they will never know you. But the moment I was seen as one of them here, I realized I do belong. I stepped on my last bus today from a long day of travel, finally on my way back to the village. There were Guatemalans, well dressed, certainly from out of town, that I didn’t recognize. I heard them ask, ¨What´s a gringa doing here?¨ And this old woman, this beautiful petite woman with gorgeous gray hair and a full set of teeth, a woman I talk to and knows me, said, ¨She is with us.¨ And no other sentence could have made me feel any more included. I am integrated.

Life happens, good, bad, and the ugly and I am prepared for it all, even for it to end. I put it here in my blog as documentation of my appreciation for life. I am so lucky to have been able to live these 25 years. I have amazing parents and a sister who love me more than anything and I them. My family is so special to me, including my aunts and uncles and cousins and brother in law, who are such loving wonderful people. I have had many strong friendships that have been crucial to my learning and growing and for which I am so grateful. We had enough money growing up and I have found a way to always survive and live well since. I was able to get a good education, not just schooling, but through books, traveling, and most importantly, other people. I have been in love more than once, the best feeling in the world. I have lived in other countries, with the most life-changing time spending 2 years in Guatemala, a place where I have met such beautiful people, who despite my differences, respect and love me, and who have taught me so much. And I have had tough times – adolescence, insecurity, my parents divorce, heart break, depression, and bad decisions. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am most thankful for the tough times because that’s when you learn most about yourself and how to be and how to strive towards happiness. It´s when you realize what you are really made of and see yourself as a survivor. No matter what happens I know I can make it through. There is never a question in my mind about that. If the world collapses on itself I will be here still ready to do whatever it is I need to. I may have a weak physical constitution, but my mental one is like a bull… well the strength of a bull, not like the mind of a bull. I have seen so many children happy and gotten to be part of that and taught young teens on topics I hope will influence their lives. I have seen how religion can support people who are at their lowest point and how it can destroy lives in the confused name of God. I have spoken to people on the phone who are searching for a lifeline and haven’t walked out of their hell yet. I have felt their pain and wished to take it away and I hope in some cases, our weekly talks helped. I am grateful for what they taught me as well, that you must keep fighting even when life sucks. I hope for much more in my life: my own children, a husband I adore, strengthed relationships, and a career that inspires me. I believe in these things. Yet I also know that I have lived a blessed life and experienced things people at 90 still haven’t done. It isn’t about our future, it´s about the moment and truly living that fully. I recently called that selfish and that is true, but I am also one of the most grateful people in this world for all my experiences, for all my life. I don’t wait til next year, even if I might plan it, but rather live today, now. I can only wish the same for everyone else. Life is so short at any age. The great thing is when you can look back on it and smile with inner joy at all of it. So at 25 I have no regrets, not a single one, just learned lessons, and appreciation for my life. And I love you. I just wanted you to know.

As I have mentioned before, the civil war in Guatemala in the 1980s came hard at my village and the surrounding areas. I have read various books and seen documentaries about the horrific war, but it always surprises me to hear the realities of my friends in these times, stories directly from their lives from their mouth, not just from a book. For some reason 2 of my friends brought it up this past week. Paulina started recalling how she was 12 when it started and so remembers it well: the running, the fear, the hunger. For 2 years people of this village lived in fear. According to her, the guerrillas, or the rebels, came to the village talking ¨rubbage¨ (spelling?) to the men and filling their heads with nonsense. The beginning truth is that the rebels started this war with anger, wanting to have rights for indigenous people as well as the rich. In Guatemala, like most other Latin American countries, they have suffered serious suppression. When I say they I am referring to the poor indigenous people. In 1954 with a democratic govt in place willing to give the Indigenous people their land back in a progressive policy, the Guatemalan army backed by the USA CIA held a coup and took out the great socially conscious government for what has been a steady flow of dictators and corrupt politicians. Finally the poor of Guatemala were fed up and began to rebel. However the Guatemalan army was much stronger and better armed and pretty much killed any rebel or village associated with them. Paulina says the rebels told the village men to kill all the rich people, that it was time to avenge the injustices, so people began taking it too far and killing whatever rich person from the larger town. Because our area was ¨infested¨ with rebels, the army came at this village with full force and evil hearts. Many young boys were ripped from their homes and forced to fight, not knowing what they were fighting against. Many of these boys were actually poor indigenous people fighting against themselves and not knowing it – thanks to the great education and subsequent brain washing of the Guatemalan army. Basically relatives were fighting each other and not even knowing why.

Anyway, according to Paulina these events made everyone in the village run whenever the Army came in town. They took nearly nothing but their bodies. For days they suffered in the forest hiding in the crooks of the mountains waiting, without food or water and in fear of their lives. Some family members were left behind in these escapes and one didn’t know if he was able to get away or not. She clearly remembers the fear and returning to nothing left of her house or life. Her husband was able to escape to the main town, where one of the rich ones took him in and gave him work. When the war was over and his mother asked for him back, the rich man was reluctant to give him up. He said he really helped him out and wouldn’t it be better for him to stay. His mother, rightly so, explained he was her only child and HERS and she wanted him back. He returned. Their children ask Paulina why she speaks of the war and their father doesn’t. The trauma was so great, he just doesn’t ever want to think about it.

Yolonda, only 2 years old at the time, cant remember it the same way Paulina does. But she still hears the stories and recalls them without the same horror Paulina lived. Although she does remember eating nothing more than old tortillas toasted and soaked in water forming some kind of thick drink. This was all they ate. Yola and Margarita were the only children at this time, but when they had to run they all went stuffing cloths in the babies mouths to shush them stifling their cries so the soldiers wouldn’t hear. Women gave birth while hiding in the woods, unable to cry out, ushering their husbands and children to runaway and leave them. Rodolfo tells the story of his aunt and uncle hiding in the woods while she gave birth and the family refused to leave her. She didn’t make a sound as she experienced the pain of labor. They were hidden in a hole covered with leaves. The army surrounded the area and lit fire to the woods to scare out the hidden villagers. God was on their side for it was a miracle they weren’t burned to death. As the fire approached, the snuck out, the father holding the newborn, and the mother running just after her labor. Yola´s uncle, my close friend, the busdriver, is married to a woman who has given birth to 10 children. Her second child was also delivered in the same manner as the previous, but they gave her up to another town to save their lives. When her uncle gets drunk today, he recalls how sad he is for giving up that child.

Sadly some people took advantage of other villagers. For the families who were neither with the rebels nor the Army, they were doubly attacked and doubly doomed. Their houses were ravaged, women and children killed, and animals stolen. When Rodolfo´s father returned to a house in nothing but ashes, he also saw the head of his cow hanging over the door. Some neighbors had stolen his cow, eaten it, and disgraced him with the head. I can go on and on with these crazy stories. This wasn’t 100 years ago, only 30 and many people who were lucky enough to survive, lived through some horrendous times. And here I am talking only about the war, not even mentioning the earthquake that destroyed the town just four years before the trauma of the war began here. Yet people continue on, rebuild their life, and try to be happy. Imagine. I encourage you to read more about this if you are interested. The Art of Political Murder or Bitter Fruit are great starts.

So nearly 30 years later, the Guatemalan government is finally giving houses to widowed women from the war, a process that began over 10 years ago. Three families in our village are receiving these much needed houses as they still live in adobe and bamboo houses.

Something very exciting happened today. I found yellow lemons in my market!! We have green and orange, but never have I seen yellow. I was shocked and very happy. I promptly squeezed them in every glass of water and made Jenn´s specialty broccoli lemon pasta dish. I missed yellow lemons!

Today I went to our equivalent of walmart and got a little out of control. I have 2 friends who have or will give birth to baby boys so I spent like an hr in the baby aisle and wanted to buy everything. Then I realized they don’t use wash cloths, wouldn’t use the towels, baby toys, pacifiers, etc. so I just bought some clothes, but they are adorable. OH it was so fun. I can’t wait til next month when I get paid again and will buy more clothes. Haha. Also the parm and mozza cheese got me pumped since I have gone without in Jan due to shoe shopping. Gotta make sacrifices. Cheese or cute shoes?

I thought Peace Corps would help me become selfless, but it´s done just the opposite. I am a selfish human being. I only do things I want to do. I only teach my women to cook things I like to. I only travel to places I want to. I take lots of free time for myself, reading, writing, doing it is what I do instead of starting some big project for others or instead of helping my family on the farm. I spend time with only the families I really like. The point is while I may do some good things for others they are selfish acts, things that make me happy. I´m not sure if it´s okay to be this selfish. I know it´s good to put yourself first, but it seems at times you should do unselfish things. And I hate that I expect so much from people also, friends, etc and need so much from people. It´s too much for them and the lack of it on their part makes me resentful. I need to stop thinking so much of myself and see how things are from their perspectives, something I have improved on an acquaintance level, but not from people where I expect more. I mean when someone talks about how poor she is and how hard it is to have 7 children yet doesn’t treat them well, I understand that she is in this situation per lack of education and her husband´s choices not to mention the community´s actions. I can understand when someone doesn’t agree with abortion or when someone believes God is punishing Guatemalans or Haitians because they are sinful people. I don´t agree with these points of view, but I am able to understand how they see things and maybe push or nudge for change. However, when people in power, educated adults, and my good friends act in a way I am not in agreement with, especially in relation to myself, I don’t have the same foresight to understand them and their actions. I revert to seeing it my way and not in their eyes and again am a selfish person. This may be something I work to improve my whole life, but I will be better, I promise.

After a nice night´s sleep, starting at 11:30 pm, which frankly is way too late, I woke to my alarm at 8 am and slowly got out of bed with no stress. Catholic mass was promptly at 10, but didn´t actually start til after 11 – lots of confession. You know all these pecados here! When I don’t have class, I go to Mass with Yolonda and Favi and during the whole thing look around at all the adorable babies. One crazy woman looks 60 or more (more like late 40s but many kids make women look old), has had 8 children, but her new baby is adorable and it was sleeping on her back in her shawl and looked so precious. Then I have Faviola around, as adorable as always, and at 25 (in case you have forgotten) I am old here and want a baby. I will wait, but Mass which is all women since the men are working means there are lots of adorable babies. Anyway then Yola and I decided to put what little food we have together and make lunch, which was delicious and was followed by hours of chatting. Then we realized the womens group was coming shortly and had to get ready – for me taking a shower and doing some laundry; for her, cleaning her kitchen and bathroom. Then the women came and we had some good chatting and delicious cake making – yum yum yum. This was the perfect day – playing with kids, making good food, chatting with my friends, and everything relaxed. Oh boy, will I make it back in the states when days are filled with obligations and hours of work? Haha God I hope so.

Today I awoke briefly at 630 when the roosters starting crowing and my family woke up. I, now accustomed to this, went back to sleep awaking with my alarm at 7:30 and getting up with my second alarm at 7:40. Went to the bathroom and washed my face, which always helps, said good morning to my family and then returned to the vault to make oatmeal with banana, my breakfast nearly every day. Got ready and headed to school at 8:15, walked 45 minutes in the mountains passing by people, farmers, cows, donkeys, totally content here, and some kids, one of whom asked me for money, which brought my mood down. The house with tons of kids I always pass by started yelling Gringa, to which I didn’t respond and then they said, Amanda to which I said, hi kids! Good morning! How are you?

Continued on to my school where I was greeted by my kids I haven’t seen for 3 months. They were super excited to see me and so sweet. This was the first day of school, but the other teachers had a meeting and didn’t show up so I organized the kids in their classrooms and told them I would ring the bell when their class time was up so I worked in the 3 different classrooms 40 min instead of the normal hour playing games and starting with assertive communication as the first topic of the year in 8th and 9th grade and just getting to know the tiny 7th graders. Noticed on of my 9th graders finally dropped his voice and is becoming a man, something that always makes me laugh. I saw a huge difference with these kids than when I first started with them. 2 years ago they never answered a question, didn’t understand what I was asking or how I talked, and were so timid. Now they are so vocal and participative and a joy to be around and I actually know how to speak this language now and explain things in their terms. I feel this year is so much easier and now I have learned the lessons and how to be so much better. It´s a breeze in comparison to last years anxieties and preparations.

Class ended, the well behaved kids filed out the door, and I started my walk home, observing how beautiful it is here, lush green banana trees and nature and some of the trees up the hill had changed color, reminding me of fall. I was thinking how I could live here forever, it´s beautiful. After running into a few friends, I made it home, tired from the up hill walk and took a moment for lots of water. I had realized on the rest of the walk, I couldn’t live here forever. I talked to a 9 yr old girl who had dropped out of school long ago because her parents didn’t want her to continue. Oh man that hurts. As I passed by that house again with all the kids I thought about how selfish and a sin it is to have so many children when they can’t afford to clothe and feed them. Their excuse is often that you must accept all the children God gives you or it’s a sin to which I always reply, not giving your children the care and love they need is much more a sin. I thought of all I wanted to do to help this community and how it isn´t enough, never will be, and how frustrating the school system, the lack of education, the politics, the corruption, the unmotivated individuals, and the stubbornness of people to change. Then I let it all go as usual observing how in a 45 min walk I had thought of living here forever and then excited at the prospect of leaving here forever.

Then I began the Witch of Portobello, my new book and read 175 pages today. In between, I heated up my homemade veggie soup with crackers, had another snack, and freaked out over some visitors. I was home alone when a couple of men came up asking if I had any broken jewelry they could buy. I said I don’t wear jewelry and was a bit apprehensive about these strangers. I freaked myself out after they left, called my host dad and a couple other residents and shut my door. Luckily around 3 pm, Yolonda came home and I felt safe again. Faviola was singing to a kids song she didn’t know yelling out the last syllable of the last word in the verse and cracking me up. I shared it with Yolonda who got the joke, but Favi was like, what is she talking about? Haha. I worked 1.5 hrs on the GRE math studying, word problems and lines and angles, got frustrated and took a much needed shower with hot water, but little pressure. I made it for 5:00 at the local school to give my English class, had trouble with the lock, but got help from my 13 year old student and was happily surprised to see the 7 students left of the 50 we started with two years ago. They all want to continue so we will keep going which is awesome. Got home, heated up my left over rice and veggie curry in the toaster oven, called a friend since I have free local minutes to call today, and then sat down here to write. I will go back to reading, maybe watch an episode of Intervention, and then go to bed. And that is a typical day in my site. Actual hours of work = 5. Reading time = 3. GRE= 2. I like that – work half day, relax half day. That´s how it should be in the US!

Peace Corps constantly brings back high school moments and it´s not a positive thing. In many ways we grow as individual beings to such great extents, professionally, emotionally, and over all become healthier and more content with life. These are all such beautiful things and will make our lives better in the long run. However, there are some setbacks to living a PC life, most of all involving our social lives and most of my PC friends will agree. We date men we would never consider in the US forced to choose between bad and worse. Most Guatemalan men just want a piece of gringa tail and the PC boys just want a piece of whatever as long as it is casual. Beyond our dating lives, we are socially retarded back to high school. I remember entering training and seeing cliques form within 2 days. The hyper overly talkative attention getters seemed to be dominating the space and I felt suffocated. I don’t really surround myself with those kind of people anymore and I was brought right back to a time I would like to forget, to high school. I prefer the chiller people who have strong opinions when you talk to them, who will say something rarely in discussion, but when they do it is profound, people who don’t care as much about presentation or appearance. I didn’t always hang with these people, but discovered them in college and beyond and realized I fit much better in that crew. I like fashion, I enjoy staying in shape, and occasionally I even straighter my hair. It may seem I am a certain kind of person when dressed as such, but I am much more than that and when I meet people and they look beyond, we become very good friends. My awesome sweet friend here told me I am like an onion with many layers. That is how I want to be seen and I enjoy being behind the scenes only noticed by the people who care, the really interesting quiet, maybe art house, kind of people. I am just much more comfortable in that atmosphere and I don´t think the attention getters are bad people, just not people I want to hang out with anymore. Well I never really did want to, but was often pushed into them in our small town life. So feel free to call me a bitch here; sometimes I am, but I am also always honest, whether good or bad. Something recently just brought these feelings back of insecurity – I won´t go into the details. The point is I have grown so much in the last 7 years since high school and am a confident happy woman, but everyone has their moments, their kryptonite, and mine just came out. Although unintentionally I am sure, she still made me weak, not for long, but just for a moment. High school number 2 reminds me I am not the same girl as high school number 1 and thank god I can generally avoid the bullshit in an adult life. Also thank god to the amazing friends I can call up and vent to about my petty complaints, things they tell me are crazy reminding me I am an amazing woman and not to get hung up on these stupid things that I am way past that. Thank you L!

Today is Australia Day, which is so much fun. In Sydney, we watched great blues and jazz bands, fireworks, ate kangaroo pizza (well actually i didnt do that)and had so much fun down by the harbor. That was a good ozzy memory.

How can so much time pass by and people remain friends? I know if they are basically the same people, how couldn’t they? may be the other side of that coin. But if the friendship means anything at all, how can you let so much time go by without knowing about your friend, how she is, what she´s doing, if she is alive and happy? And I don’t know if Facebook is enough on that point. Both Amy and I talk about this – if we don’t keep the friendships going, many of ours would disappear. I definitely have some amazing friends and family who do keep in touch, send packages, etc., because, I assume, they care and they remind me of it. But for all the people who don’t stay in touch, my honest question is why? Just give me a good reason, or a bad one, but some kind of reason would be swell. Maybe it is laziness or forgetfulness or maybe some friends are a lower priority or maybe it is some weird social defect which causes people to avoid contact. I am not sure, but that is why I am sincerely curious and asking today. I have lots of friends who say years can go by and when we meet back up it´s just like old days. Should I be content with that too? I mean that is fine for acquaintances but for real friends, I would hope we would be in contact in less time than years. I know people say ¨but nothing really changes, nothing is happening,¨ but life is happening. I want to be part of your life and know what is going on from the mundane to the grand. Or perhaps I am the outlier here. Maybe that is weird wanting to stay in contact over mundane things. Maybe that is something just my family likes to do. I don’t know, but I am pretty sure if I didn’t call or email occasionally I wouldn’t have relationships with many people I care about. And that´s a shame because I love these people. Am I strange in thinking friendships should last forever and be constant? Is that just as romantic as my idea of marriage? Or is it just because I have more time to email and think about others because I am here and away from it all? Is it because I have more free time in general? Maybe friends just slip your mind when you are busy with other things? Or is it because it´s more important to me than others? What do you think on this topic? I am usually very good at guessing at others motives, but this time I am not quite so sure and am curious to hear some reasons.

Maybe friendships aren’t supposed to continue, but then should no relationship be constant? Are some relationships better left for years to be happily returned to? Should we do that with marriage as well? Leave for a bit to appreciate it more. When you are in a different place than a friend, be it financial, mental, emotional, or location, can you not continue the friendship as before? Must it always stop? Maybe friendships are just meant to teach us something in the moment and never last longer than the lesson learned. There are so many people in the world – maybe our constants are 7 or less and everyone else just rotates in and out to serve a purpose for the present moment or to remind us of the past. Although counting up my closest friends today, those I stay in touch with, there are 20. Maybe any more would be too much and dilute the potency of the friendship of these. Not all 20 are my best friends, but they are good friends, people who care and I should be happy they are in my life at all. Maybe I should shut up, be thankful and say goodbye to the rest.

Finally some classes begin Thursday and by the first week of February, I´ll be back in the running, busy as ever, teaching some kids. I am happy to report although one school had a full turn over of teachers, I like the new ones better and they seem super pumped to work with me and support my efforts, which came as quite a shock. So even though 2 schools are not very collaborador or collaborative, 2 schools are and that is enough. By the end of these next 5 months, I will give classes to 4 schools of students and 5 teachers will be working with me in two of these schools, learning how to talk about sensitive subjects and teaching in a more participatory style. We will get some computers for one school, maybe realize another project somewhere else, and my time will be up, but well spent. I have obviously had too much me thinking time and it´s overdue to get out of the house and start working…with other people, not in isolation as I have been doing. Sorry for all the crazy philosophical blogs and just plain boring blogs, but hopefully things will get more interesting, for the both of us.

It´s back. Sleepless nights or sleepy nights marked by crazy dreams. Benadryl did help last night, but I wake up a zombie, worse than normal. It´s probably because I´m not busy enough I know. Today I awoke at 8 at first and didn’t get out of my drowsy sleep til 9, which is like 1 pm here. But I did take a long hike to one of my schools to find no teachers there, but at least I got some exercise and stopped to chat along the way with some friends. Then from 11 to 4 I had free time in which I studied the GREs – percents and ratios, realized I´m an idiot who cannot even do simple arithmetic and algebra, read a bit, ate, and worked on my book. Should I even try to get in MPH schools? They are they programs that ask for the GREs but maybe since I am inadequate in academic skills, I should not dual and just do an MSW, which would be less school, less money, and less studying of GREs in this moment of time. Of course I want both degrees for more career options, but it´s hard to think that far in advance when I am studying something I learned in 9th grade and can´t seem to get it right. Where is my dad when I need him, the math whiz? Obviously these are the things I am worrying about – doing well on the GREs, getting into grad school, where should I go – UNC, Tulane, Wash U, Baltimore? Who will give me the most money and where is best for me? Then I´ll be 28 or 29 and when do I get to have babies damnit? And I think of past relationships and get nostalgic, both friendships and boyfriends. And when do I get to have that again too by the way? The single act has been good, but it´s getting worn out. And 3 of my friends are getting married in the months that I return. I am so so excited for them and can´t wait for the weddings. I am not ready for marriage of course, at all, at all, but it does make u notice and look around and see you´re the only one in the room, I mean my studio apartment. So now it´s 10:15, which is not late by normal standards, but I am tired, but antsy as usual, just I was when I was 8 and didn’t want to go to sleep, as my sister reminded me. I am not satisfied and am not sure what I am missing so I write, read, eat a snack, write a blog, listen to music, play around the computer, and then finally take Benadryl so I can stop this nonsense and drug myself to sleep. Healthy isn’t it? When will I sleep normally again?

At 4, well more like 430 since they are always late, we had a women´s group meeting about where to go in the last 6 months. We decided on cakes. We are going to try to perfect our cake making and then maybe THEY will decide to open a cake shop or at least take orders or something. We have to make them really amazing so everyone wants to buy them. And we will! It will actually be pretty sweet to bake cakes with my best friends for the next 6 months. Today was pretty though because since it was just a meeting, there were lots of storytelling and gossip. Man the crazy shit you hear here! Raquel, my friend, delivered a baby once while the husband went for the midwife because the baby was coming. She explained she just moved everything to one side – the baby boy and the umbilical cord and waited for the comodrona to cut the cord so that no one would bleed out. I loved hearing about pregnancy and delivery too. Two of the women are giving birth in the next couple of months so these are important topics of the moment. Both are planning to give birth at home with a midwife only and an hour and half ride from the hospital, which makes me nervous personally. Damnit there is one mosquito in my house and I cant seem to kill it but it keeps biting me! And it´s cold here! So I am rambling because I haven’t done enough today. Luckily tomorrow I´m off to a school and to town and will have a whole day outside the house. How the hell am I going to adapt back to the fast lane when I have hours everyday to myself like this? Craziness! Ok if I had minutes I would call someone to chat to, but I have less than a dollar of air time so I am talking to you via blog right now.

I got jewelry from a boy! I think that is a first. I´m friends with this guy in my town, a 32 year old bachelor that is brothers with one of my best friends here, also evangelical. He goes to the states for 6 months to work in Louisiana and then spends the other 6 here. He has been in my English class and given me rides home occasionally from town. He is a genuinely nice guy and someone I can actually have conversations with, which is nice and rare in my town. So anyway we have been texting while he was in the US, but no loveness, just friends checking in. Ok I will be honest, he did tell me I was pretty (in english) once, but I haven’t given him any reason to think there´s something there. I haven’t been treated with respect like this and listened to as a real person by a guy in a long time so it´s hard to not like it. But we are so different and while I value our friendship, I don´t see anything more. Typical story, right? Anyway he just got back from the states and bought a laptop and asked me to help him with it. It´s really nice! I had no idea computers have gotten so flashy. So I stopped by his house and checked it out. Then as I was getting ready to leave, he handed me a black bag. Inside was a gift bag with peanut butter cups (the kind we used to eat at Vavo and Papa´s), gum, a USA flag, and a watch! It´s a little big and does have hearts, but it´s thin and silver and gold, and I actually really needed a watch. I usually get gifts when I expect them like at xmas or my bday or something, but this took me by such surprise, I was overcome. He had thought of me enough to get something and put it in a gift bag. I don’t see it going further than that but I couldn’t help but smile the rest of the night. He was so sweet to give me something. Gifts are not common in any form and always delight me to no end especially in surprises. I love surprises whether they are letters, gifts, food, a visit, a planned date, a concert, anything. When someone thinks of you and it seems out of the blue, and goes out of their way, it just makes you feel special. Happy Day!

I am spending lots of time in my room lately because it´s cold outside and I have a lot of computer work to do. I think I finally completed most of it so now will probably be getting more social again, but sometimes I really like office work, which is what this is. I take lots of magazine and food breaks cuz it does get boring, but I complete something I can actually see and check some stuff off my list while listening to my music. YAY. After a couple hrs of laundry this morning, that´s how I have spent all Monday, in stretchy pants, comfort, warmth, and doing work. I made soup too! I like days like this, not for always, but for Monday it´s ok. Now time for GRE studying (eck I suck at this) and a movie!

I hate waiting 30 min, 1 hr, or not even knowing if a bus will show up. Not only do I miss cars for their convenience, but I miss them for their comfortability and lack of big metal bars. After taxis and planes in Panama, I simply miss the luxury that is not old US school buses transformed into public transport. After New Years, I traveled the 8 hours with 5 buses and 3 to a seat. Some travel days are simply worse than others and this one took the cake in discomfort. It wasn´t the longest trip and I didn’t even have to wait much at each stop, it was just a little well, ridiculous. Starting at 6 am, the bus was late from K´s house so we hopped on at 630, still on a good schedule though. Then through the warm weather back to the cold of Xela, I got off and went for a potty break. This is not a nice hotel lobby bathroom. Oh no, we´re talking Q2 bathroom charge for water all over the floor, people who cut me, and no locks on the door. I literally peed with my backpack on and purse in hand. Yes I am talented. Then back on the bus for my long trip – 4.5 hours. This road is so windy you have to hold on tightly or you will fly off the seat. I actually DO prefer to be in the middle on these rides so the 2 people on my ends can hold on and I just get squished in between but today was not ideal. The woman to my right in the window seat decided to put her backpack next to her instead of overhead in the racks. This means her backpack took up a space for a half person. So when the old indigenous lady came on and squeezed in the aisle seat to my other side, she didn’t quite fit. I guess she thought she would punish us by pushing hard into my hip as much as possible and every time she had to stand to let someone pass by her skinny little femur grinded into my own making me yelp in pain. I did a few errands and was headed back to my main town where my exhaustion hit me full on. I had the window seat but I am so tall there is nowhere to comfortably rest my head. I kept falling asleep and awaking to my neck losing control and throwing my head back. I either hit my head on the window as we bounced along the road or worse, it fell forward and hit the bar of the seat in front of me. I awoke and yelled ouch noticing everyone staring at me. ¨Crazy tall gringa who can´t even sleep on a bus¨. I´m sure that´s what they thinking. Then I got to town and behold, there was no bus. Hurray! I guess the chofer just decided he didn’t feel like driving that day. Luckily, I did find another guy from my village and we found a pickup home, a friend of mine from my village. Alas I made it home and not without some bruises mind you, some sore spots on my knees and forehead. Oh Guatemalan buses. Without them I´d never get anywhere, but with them, I return wounded. If only I had my baby Honda…oh how I miss thee.

This New Year´s was at my friend Kaying´s house. She hosted 7 of us volunteers and quite a diverse group at that, even random. But it was so fun. It was just nice to hang out with some friends, cook together, have chats, read cheesy girly magazines, etc. Someone made dinner, I made a cake, someone made sopapillas, a couple of them decorated the basement room for our sweet high school inspired dance party and a married couple brought lots of fireworks. It was so fun. We all came together, got dressed up, and had a really fun chill night. In bed at 1 am, we didn´t feel the need to party all night, but be happy with our early night festivities. We went to the beach the following day. I have been so spoiled all of December and didn’t really care either way, but was happy in the end we went because it was really fun and I love the ocean, even the crazy wild pacific. And I ate an icecream then went in on a banana split right after. Fatty I know! We ate a lot of yum yum food. I am glad to have started the year off with some friends in hot weather and no longer crazy teenager style. So welcome 2010! And welcome Amanda to the mature adult world! 2010 will see the end of my service, my return to the US and lots of questions answered. I look forward to it all!