Dear Readers,
Steam was rising off the stones that pave the Djemaa as they warmed in the early morning sun. We cupped our hands and blew into them, regretting having not checked the weather to learn that Morocco is actually cold in the winter months. We watched the first of the vendors getting set up for the day, groggily rolling in their carts and wares. A few drivers were still sleeping in their petit taxis. It was a peaceful scene, a sharp contrast to the chaos that would surely envelop the market later in the day. It was almost seven-thirty in the morning. We had agreed the night before with Mustafa that he would pick us up at seven-thirty, sharp. He repeated that he would not be even a few minutes late, assuring us that the company he worked for, Sahara Services, was very organized. Indeed, at 7:29 we saw Mustafa’s black-turbaned head inside the white Land Cruiser, zooming towards us at the designated meeting place where we stood with our backpacks leaning against our knees. We had hired Sahara Services to take us to the desert, and our journey began by heading south from Marrakech that morning. Our final destination, two days drive away, was a place called Erg Chegaga. Erg Chegaga was at the edge of the dunes and close enough to the Algerian border that you could throw a camel turd across. True, this sub-adventure would consume a large part of our week in Morocco, but how often do you get the chance to get the sand of the world’s largest desert between your toes?* Don’t answer, that’s rhetorical. For your correspondent, this trip was a no-brainer. With Mustafa behind the wheel, our Land Cruiser made quick time up the roads through the imposing High Atlas Mountains. Mustafa was most comfortable driving with très grande vitesse, whether on ice, pavement, sand, or snow. This rapid forward progress was punctuated only by the occasional "stop for photos” – which was code for his cigarette breaks. We didn’t mind. The scenery was rugged and beautiful and we were happily snapping pictures left and right. The main obstacle between us and the desert was Tichka pass, the crossing of which required us to weave our way up a treacherous two-lane road of icy switchbacks. Mustafa explained that this road was often closed during these winter months, apparently with good reason. At one hairpin turn, a small crowd had gathered to rescue a truck which had slid off the road and rolled 30 feet to the riverbed below. That driver, assuming he survived, should consider himself lucky. Further up the road where the drop was well over 300 feet, we saw several sections of metal guard rail uprooted from their concrete bases, hanging in a limp dangle over the cliff and into the emptiness below. I wondered whether the Moroccan authorities had left those rails hanging intentionally as a grim warning to travelers. In either case, it seemed now like money very well spent to have paid to cross Tichka pass in a well-maintained 4x4 instead of a teetery public bus. Safely past the mountains, we sped through the next several hundred kilometers of the Valley of Draa, an ever-changing landscape of red rock, cracked-dry river beds, and the occasional group of palm trees huddled around a water spring. We eventually reached a small town called M’Hamid, our last stop before Erg Chegaga, where the road we’d followed for two days came to an end. The road died a slow death, as pavement gave way to dirt, and dirt gave way to open sand. At that point we simply followed the winding sand tracks of the truck ahead of us. (We were now a caravan of three, having joined two other 4x4s along the way.) With the sun dropping in the distance, we bumped our way through sand and scrub brush. We were eager to reach the dunes for the sunset, which we saw as the dramatic climax to our exotic desert adventure. There was something poetic about seeing the sunset over the dunes that we did not want to miss. Mustafa put pedal to metal for those final miles, and we were detained only briefly to let a herd of free-roaming camels clear our path.** Then at long last, we arrived. In front of us, the sand swooped upwards into massive, golden waves. Words will not do justice to the sight of these enormous dunes glowing in the late-afternoon sun. We had arrived at the perfect moment to watch the sun set behind them, but instinctively we knew it was not enough just to sit and watch. Somehow we needed to participate. We kicked off our shoes and sprinted up to the nearest peak. Then the next peak, and the next. Panting now, we plopped our butts in the sand and watched the sun as it melted off in the horizon. After our dune-quest we descended back to Erg Chegaga, which consisted of a dozen mud huts arranged in a horseshoe shape at the foot of the dunes. One was a communal dining tent covered in overlapping carpets, one was marked “la cuisine” from which the familiar smell of tagine was wafting, and the rest were bedrooms. While this might sound like roughing it, these bedrooms were surprisingly comfy. Each had an oil lamp, a double bed piled high with wool blankets, and a small carpet covering the sand floor. In a real pinch, you could peel back the carpet and save yourself a chilly trip to the distant tent marked “toilette.” We spend the latter part of the evening huddled around a fire with Mustafa, a few European tourists, and the “camp staff” – a handful of middle-aged men dressed in the full length cloaks we had seen in Marrakech (they looked exactly like the sand people in Star Wars). Once the fire was raging properly to push back the desert chill, our hosts picked up a congo-like drum and began beating out a rhythm. They sang, back and forth, in a call-and-response style. Of course we had no idea what they were saying, or even whether they were singing in Arabic or Berber. It didn’t matter. We were a million miles from anything, and we were just happy to clap along and watch the occasional glowing ember float upwards towards the dark and stars above… Atentamente, Your correspondent * Technically, the Sahara is the world’s second-largest desert, behind Antarctica. It is the world’s largest hot desert. ** Technically, these were one-humped dromedaries and not two-humped camels.
Dear Readers,
We hunched forward towards the blurry hotel computer screen in disbelief to see the following: MAD RAK 14.12.08 RAK MAD 21.12.08 US$ 50.00 +TAX&FEES This, dear readers, seemed to both of us to be nothing short of a sign directly from the travel deities. These cryptic characters represented an extraordinary (and extraordinarily cheap) chance to add some bold new spice to our Spanish journey-in-progress – specifically, a chance to fly round-trip from Madrid to Morocco for nary more than a DC cabbie would charge from Capitol Hill to Adams Morgan. Lou and I leaned back from the monitor and exchanged a silent look. Forty-eight hours later, we exited a beige “petit taxi” from the airport into the Djemaa El-Fna, the open plaza which is the beating heart of the Marrakech old city. The Djemaa, which serves as Marrakech’s multipurpose marketplace, restaurant, and theatre, is truly a feast for the senses. Allow me to offer some examples. For the stomach, the Djemaa offers elaborately stacked piles of chewy dates and figs, roasted nuts, exotic spices, fresh-squeezed orange juice, and numerous other treats. Wait until dusk and dozens of portable food stations roll in to serve everything from fried seafood to Moroccan sausage to cow brains. For entertainment, monkeys on leashes will do back flips or jump on your head for a few coins. Live cobras wriggle freely on woven mats while their handlers play exotic melodies on their flutes. Unshaven storytellers in full length robes attract crowds with their tales (in Arabic unfortunately but engaging nonetheless). When all this activity becomes overwhelming, as it inevitably does, you can choose from any number of pleasant terraces overlooking the plaza to enjoy both a mint tea and the view of the snow-capped High Atlas peaks in the distance. If the Djemaa is the heart of the old medina, then the tangled mesh of streets and alleys fanning out from it in all directions serve as the veins and arteries. We stepped out of the plaza and into this maze, which felt like taking a step back in time a few centuries, if not a few millennia. A lost world of sultans and sabers comes to mind as you walk through the narrow streets lined with veiled women and boisterous men in hooded cloaks, donkeys pulling wooden carts loaded with animal hides, rusted spice bins and silver-handled daggers lining store shelves. And the occasional unsavory figure lurking under the shadow of a low stone archway that looks like the type to get you the things not sold on the store shelves. The hustle and bustle of conversations, negotiations, and confrontations is then washed over as the overpowering call to prayer floods the streets from the amplified speakers of a nearby mosque, echoing off the pink plaster walls. Then suddenly, modernity slaps you across the face. Honda scooters weave recklessly through the alley full of pedestrians, belching black smoke. Reggaeton, of all things, blares from a nearby radio. The corner stores sell Coke and Snickers with Arabic labels and the donkey carts roll past signs for internet cafés. You realize that you have not, in fact, time-warped back to some lost desert empire but very much in the 21st century. Young men wearing knock-off designer clothes, flashy leather jackets, and a liberal application of hair gel will then approach you in no less than half a dozen languages. They offer to “help”. Did we want to buy carpets? Look here. Jewelry? Antiques? “Qu’est-ce que vous cherchez? Que buscas?” Perhaps through some specialized language book written specifically for Moroccan street peddlers, hordes of these of men have learned to be supremely annoying in English, French, Spanish, Italian, and German. A simple “non, merci” was laughably ineffective. We tried keeping our sunglasses on and ignoring them. This only encouraged them further. “You are lost, yes? Musée de Marrakech tout droit. Which hotel you are looking for? Grand plaza? Español? Donde vas?” Actually, we were lost, but instead of asking for help Lou and I walked in endless loops through the winding streets of the souk markets, no closer to our intended destination than Columbus was to India. Much more than the pocket change they would demand if we accepted their help, it was a cost of pride. We would instead shuffle to a stop, discreetly pull out the map, and whisper, “Weren’t we just here?” Yes, Marrakech is an exhausting place for the body, the mind, and the wallet. Luckily there is some respite – the riad. The riad, essentially a Moroccan B&B, is where you escape the chaos of the street into a quiet urban oasis. A decent riad will come equipped with, at a minimum, a peaceful, sunny inner courtyard for reading and enjoying endless cups of mint tea, as well as a cozy salon for the evenings of fireside chess…and more reading…and more tea. Our riad’s salon was decorated in something of an “upscale opium den” style which included dim lighting and leather pouf pillows for maximum relaxing after a hard day in the streets. Some include in-house hammam steam baths and gourmet kitchens, making it hard to find reasons to ever leave. Your correspondent and companion were quite pleased that they had planned a spontaneous trip to North Africa which, thus far, had not contained any major disasters. However, we would not be content to stay in the comfort of the riad of the even the recent familiarity of Marrakech. A new adventure, towards the Algerian border, loomed large. Atentamente, Your correspondent
Dear Readers,
Two questions came to mind while marveling at the intricate carvings of the Alhambra, the 800-year-old Muslim palace in the hills of Southern Spain. First, I was curious to know how many men, if not generations of men, had labored to complete the sprawling walls of chiseled Arabic script and decorative patterns that coat nearly every surface of the edifice. The carvings were amazing…or perhaps "humbling" is the right word. Were entire human lives dedicated to this work and this work alone? The minute detail, high quality, and sheer quantity of the work suggested a modification to the old adage. “If you want something done right, do it yourself – or have thousands of your servants and subjugates do it for you.” The second question I had was this: How quickly would we be escorted out of the Alhambra if Lou vomited all over the palace's marble floors, as she seemed dangerously close to doing at that moment? Would we be rudely shown the door, having just defaced perhaps the greatest historical structure on the entire Iberian Peninsula? I wondered how many tourists, or generations of tourists, had puked on these same marble floors through the centuries after questionable seafood the previous night. Lou was now a worrisome shade of pale, but she forged ahead, jaw clenched, through each successive room determined to see and enjoy this unique masterpiece of art and architecture. I smiling preemptively to the guards and kept a plastic bag in my pocket at the ready. As readers have probably guessed, your correspondent has yet again found a loophole in the rules of the real world to exploit for some carefree globe-trotting. This time, we made a slight enlargement to the annual visit to Lou’s family in France. Normally this visit lasts only about a week, but we hoped no one would notice if we tacked on another twenty days to allow for some exploration of Spain. And of course, some skiing in the Alps would be necessary too, provided there was decent snow on the pistes. Before delving further into the trip at hand, some editorial housekeeping is necessary. Since the last bulletin, mucho has happened to your correspondent and companion. Travel-wise, I had the chance to return to Guatemala as well as to visit Paraguay, both for work, but time constraints prevented any meaningful communiqués to readers. And anyway, these trips consisted largely of suit clad conversations in hotel lobbies and this is not the kind of starched-stiff image I would want to give of your rough-and-rugged correspondent in the field. However, some mentionable highlights along the way include visiting Pablo Neruda's house on an unplanned 8-hour layover in Chile, and taking an endless bus ride through the Paraguayan Chaco, a land whose surreal landscape and torturous climate seems to be the product of collaboration between Dr. Seuss and the Marquis de Sade. On the domestic front, still more news. Lou and I both resigned from our jobs in DC and have moved to St. Louis. That's in Missouri, by the way. A full explanation for this possibly surprising move is beyond the scope of this publication. But I will say that it has presented me with an excellent learning experience by way of employment in the "family business", something that has seemed increasingly exciting and increasingly inevitable in recent years. For Lou it presents an opportunity to experience life in the US Midwest, which I imagine is something like an American trying escargot for the first time. It seems largely unappealing, yet so many people claim to love it, so you’re willing to give it a try at least once. Back to Spain. The Spanish know what is important in life. Unlike some of their European neighbors to the north, they don't seem overly concerned with esoteric questions about the human condition or the nature of the soul. A Spaniard, evidently, is quite content with a cold beer, some cured ham, and some notes plucked from a nearby acoustic guitar. Your correspondent felt instantly at home in this environment. We have thus-far hopped from Barcelona to Granada to the small towns of the Andalucian sierra. In each locale we have found a mix of friendly people who are willing to repeat directions several times, tasty food served in portions that allow you to sample everything, and lively streets teeming with people enjoying their cities until the wee hours. Unlike many of the developing countries described in these annals, Spain needs no embellishment - it is indisputably awesome. It is currently rounding 8pm here. And while most Spaniards are still full from what they call lunch, your correspondent and companion are already hungry for dinner. So, we're off to wade through rows of hanging hams and trays of tapas and will report back shortly on noteworthy events whether cultural, gastronomical, gastro-intestinal, or otherwise. Oh, are you still wondering how our Alhambra visit ended? You’ll be relieved to know that the marble palace floors escaped with only a few dusty footprints. In fact seeing Lou later that night, feeling so good she was indulging in a little sausage flambé, you’d never know how closely we had averted disaster. Atentamente, Your correspondent
Dear Readers, "I'll have the full body massage with the lavender scrub and flower petal bath." Lou handed the menu, rice paper bound with bamboo, back to the attendant. "And I'll take the same." I said, just trying to get this whole thing over with as quickly as possible.The attendant was a diminutive Balinese woman with her hair pulled into a tight bun. In a tone that implied I should already know this, she said, "Not for man, lavender scrub. Better scrub for you cocoa mocha." I nodded, thinking, "Indeed, the cocoa scrub does seem more masculine. Especially before I bathe in flower petals." Lady, any shred of manliness that I wanted to hold on to, I left at the door with my sandals. I was on the verge of a mini identity crisis here in the waiting room of the Juma Spa and Rejuvenation Clinic. What had happened to your rough and rugged correspondent? Is he really a spa person? Was this not the same man who leaped from mountains in Kyrgyzstan? Who paddled the jungle rivers of Honduras? Who endured two years of cold bucket baths and single-ply toilet paper in the Peace Corps?
How did I end up here, about to spend several hours and a ridiculous amount of money in this spa? For the price of this activity I could get two bungee jumps just up the beach, or rent a surfboard for the entire week, and still plausibly claim to have testicles. I was just thankful that my high school wrestling coach could not see me now. The man he made from a boy had become...well, something else. He would be crushed. So really, how did I end up here deciding between lavender and choco mocha? I think you know the answer already: The Jedi mind trick. This is a technique which Lou has mastered and performs on me at her will. For those of you who don't remember the Jedi mind trick from the Star Wars droid scene, it goes like this: Lou: I was thinking we should go to the spa for a massage and oil treatment, what do you think? Me: Actually, I was thinking we should eat fried squid and drink beer on the beach. Lou [waving her open palm in front of my face]: You were thinking we should go to the spa. Me: Spa, yes... I was thinking we should go to the spa. And, here we are. We are led from the reception room into a small wood-paneled chamber where we are stripped down and placed face-first on a padded table. These tables have a hole for your head which forces you to stare down at the floor, where a glass dish has been placed below strategically to catch any falling drool that might escape you are worked to a pulp. Mood music, with the ostensible goal of relaxing you further, is piped in on low volume and played on loop. The music is that ambiance stuff that you might expect out of a fancy Brookstone alarm clock. It reminded me of the sounds in a techno club song when the rhythm drops away and leaves you floating for a few bars amid cosmic echoes, Andean windpipes, etc. In the club, this gives the dancers a chance to take a slug of of their room-temperature cocktail, before the pounding beat returns. Here in the Juma Spa there was no pounding beat, unless you count the fists of an 85-pound Indonesian woman raining down on my lower back. During the next hour I was rinsed, scrubbed, salted, rubbed, kneaded, cracked, bent, stretched, and slathered with oil. I felt like a piece of cheap meat being prepped for a cutlet recipe. All that was missing was a little minced garlic, pepper, and flour. Then it was dessert time, and I was spread with a thick layer of choco mocha paste and left to dry. Perhaps accustomed to smoother Asian men, the masseuse accidentally got the paste caked in my armpit hair and had to pick it out crumb by crumb. Awkward! During all this, it took all my earthly willpower not bust out laughing, or crying, or both.I sat up slowly and looked to my right. Lou was on the adjacent table with a wide smile on her face. "Mmmm. That was nice." I hated to admit it, but yes, she was right. It was nice. I felt incredibly relaxed. I had enjoyed the spa. I enjoyed taking a scented bath amid floating flower petals. I enjoyed the atmosphere of the music and incense and perfectly regulated temperature. I enjoyed having the stress knots from the March marathon and the May wedding forcibly wrung out of me. I even enjoyed the tangerine ginger extract shot they gave us for skin exfoliation or digestive enlightenment or whatever it was for. All in all, a highly recommendable experience. I had to admit also that no number of push-ups, pull-ups, stair sets, or sprints could ever redeem me in the eyes of my wrestling coach. I was a lost cause. Sorry, coach. I'll hit the showers and hang up my singlet. By the way, could we possibly get some scented soap for the locker room? Atentamente, Your correspondent
Dear Readers, WELCOME TO TANJUNG PUTING NATIONAL PARK THERE ARE MANY CROCODILES IN RIVER NO SWIMMING Thus read the sign which, despite the sweltering jungle heat and enticing clear water, I thought wise to heed. In case the presence of only one or two crocodiles wasn't enough, the word "MANY" was underlined in red paint. Hello, Borneo.
We had not come to Tanjung Puting for crocodiles, though. We came for orangutans. Orangutans, or in the local language the "people (orang) of the forest (hutan)," are truly captivating animals. Borneo is one of the few places in the world where you can see and interact with orangutans in the wild. It was one of the main reasons we wanted to visit Indonesia. Getting to Tanjung Puting requires some tenacity. From Jakarta, take a flight to central Java, then another to the island of Borneo. Land at Pangkalan Bun, a coastal airstrip shaved right into a swath of dense palm trees. From there, hire a boat to take you upriver for about 5 hours in what looks like a scene right out of Heart of Darkness. Then dock at Camp Leakey, which you for will recognize by the NO SWIMMING sign described above. For obvious reasons, most tourists to Indonesia never make it this far to see the scruffy red apes. Too bad. If you've ever been to a zoo, you know how fascinating the human-like movements of apes and monkeys can be. But the experience of seeing them up close is something very special. Only 20 feet from the dock we were greeted by a family of orangutans – a mother, a baby, and a 7-year old named Tomas. They plopped down from the branches onto the wooden walkway and sauntered right up. We were frozen with delight as these creatures came up to interact with us. The mother grabbed on to our guide's ankles with one hand and continued to groom the baby with another. Tomas walked up to Lou and started poking at the mole on her right shoulder, curious whether it was edible. We found out quickly that bananas for orangutans are basically like sex for a 14-year old boy – the one and only thing on their minds for 99% of their waking hours. And evidently the rangers who feed the orangutans carry bananas in backpacks. It did not take long for our new orange friends to notice that we, too, had backpacks. Backpacks! This is when things went downhill. Almost simultaneously, Tomas started reaching for Lou's purple sack and the mother started to move for our guide's pack. This cuddly scene suddenly got an injection of adrenaline. As they moved in, their faces maintained the standard orangutan expression- lazy drooped eyes and puckered lips. It is a look of calmness, confidence, and a hint of boredom. This primate poker face seemed to say, "Yes I'm undoing the snaps on your backpack, ho-hum, don't mind me..." It's worth noting at this point that orangutans, pound for pound, are 8-10 times stronger than humans. They can also grab with all four limbs. So keeping an 80lb orangutan out of your backpack is not as easy as, say, pushing a beagle away from the dinner table. It requires a delicate mix of verbal signals and slow, confident movements. Orangutans also have teeth, and use them. With the help of the guide we slid backwards, slowly, and deposited our bags back on the boat before venturing further into the forest. Disaster averted. We spent the next hours following the orangutans during their daily feeding. Once our memory cards were full of photos and our bodies covered in mosquito bites, we started heading back to the boat. Halfway back, the heavens opened up above us. Heavy jungle rain drops came pounding down on us. We started to run but we were soaked instantly. Of course, we had forgotten our rain jackets or an umbrella or anything to keep us dry. We wrapped the cameras in plastic bags and slogged back to the boat through the mud. As we got closer to the dock we spotted a covered wooden gazebo. Some of the boat crews had taken refuge from the deluge underneath. They were sitting on the benches, smoking clove cigarettes and cracking jokes. They erupted in laughter when they saw the sorry sight of our group, drenched to the bone and muddy to the shins.On the far bench, sitting still and cross-legged, was an adult female orangutan. She had wisely gotten under the shelter when the rain started and was perfectly dry. She looked at us with those droopy eyes and puckered her lips. The expression now seemed to say, "Suckers..." Atentamente, Your correspondent
Dear Readers, A hearty selamat pagi from Paradise, Indonesia. Yes it's true, your faithful correspondent has again head-faked, side-stepped, and rolled right past the real world for some more exploration of exotic lands. We arrived in Indonesia only days ago and, with the stamps in our passports barely dry and our jet lag still fresh, we plotted a course straight to the Gili islands. The Gilis are three tiny specks of dry land arranged like little tic tacs in the middle of the sprawling Indonesian archipelago. And when I say tiny, I mean tiny. An hour is more than enough time for a leisurely walk around the circumference of the entire island. An hour is also enough time to realize that you should have put on stronger sunblock before the walk. Direct equatorial sun burns quickly, especially after a year of cube-dwelling. The islands - Gili Meno, Gili Trawangan, and Gili Air – have taken a development trajectory that has made them the perfect place to completely chill out. There are no motor vehicles on the islands, or paved roads for that matter. A refreshing change. Your options for transport on the island are either flip flops or horse-drawn cart, not that you're expected to go anywhere. The Gilis have, happily, adopted other interdependent technologies crucial to your correspondent's prolonged relaxation. For example, electricity has been installed. Refrigerators have been brought ashore and they are kept running with this electricity. And these refrigerators are stocked with case upon case of ice-cold Bintang beer. This is certainly what Francis Fukuyama means by "sequential strategic development."
An important note, before getting further into the greater Indonesian adventure. You'll notice in this dispatch, and going forward, an occasional change in authorial voice from the familiar "I" to a plural "we". "We" indicates the company of the lovely and frugal Ms. Laurence W, my wife of one week. Wait, is this what I think it is? Yes, dear readers, I have invited you along to share in the (selected) adventures of our honeymoon. I hope you appreciate that. Laurence is actually known to the non-Francophone of us by her handy nickname, Lou. Feel free to call her Laurence if you want to practice your French accent. Feel free to call her Larry if you want to get kneed in the mangosteens. Regular Beanland readers should rest assured that Lou is a seasoned traveler and as such will enrich your reading experience. In fact, Lou and I have already traveled together quite a bit during the last few years, although not thus far chronicled in these annals.A new adventure starts like this: We pick a destination based on dozens of relevant questions. Is it monsoon season in that country? Have we just seen a Discovery Channel special about the curious mammals of that country? Has there recently been a currency crisis making goods and services seem abnormally cheap in that country? It's a complicated and not very scientific selection process, but eventually we agree on our spot. Then, I begin learning the basic phrases in the local language while Lou flips back-and-forth through the Lonely Planet, making tiny pencil notes in a tiny red notebook. These notes later serve as the "materia prima" for our eventual itinerary, which is never planned further than 48 hours in advance. A few vaccination boosters later, and we're on our way. Once in-country, she is the negotiator and I am the calculator. She approaches all vendors with the deep suspicion that we are getting ripped off. She is tenacious and can work a seasoned market vendor or a capital city cab driver down to a fraction of their original price. I stand a few paces behind observing the exchange and smiling somewhat uncomfortably. I am responsible only for providing currency conversions. In the gastronomic realm, Lou is fearless in spite of the unanimous consensus of doctors, guide books, and the CDC on what a Westerner should and should not eat in the developing world. Whether in a bus station in central Turkey or a back alley in Hanoi, she will find some kind of foil-wrapped, grease-laden food of dubious hygienic quality. The purveyors of this haute cuisine are usually barefoot and toothless old women. Returning with her meal and a smile of satisfaction, Lou is unable to actually pronounce the name of the dish or identify the majority of its ingredients. For her, this is part of the fun. I am responsible for bringing the antibiotics. OK, that's probably enough about Lou or this might not turn out to be a honeymoon after all. Stay tuned for more adventures, but for now it's back to Bintang, back to beach, back to bananas. Atentamente, Your correspondent
Dear Readers, I slid a crisp $100 bill across the counter, which was wood and worn smooth by years of such actions. “Zanzibar, please, round trip.” The airline agent, a young guy in jeans and a Tupac t-shirt, swiped the money without raising his eyes from his cell phone. In exchange he pushed a paper form and pen in my direction. “You name please.”
It appeared that valid identification was not a requirement for this journey, so I saw fit to use my travel pseudonym. I scribbled “Dunk Stevens” in the name box, wrinkling the bottom of the paper with my sweaty palm. “What day you want come back?” he mumbled. “Today,” I answered. “I’ll be coming back later today.” “Luggage?” He asked. I lifted only a slim briefcase, black canvas embroidered in white with “NISA Investment Advisors”, and smiled. Inside were a travel towel, a tube of sun block, a notebook and pen, an envelope full of Tanzanian shillings, and a photocopy of my vaccination history. Dunk brings only the necessities. My meetings from the work week, scheduled rather hastily, had left me with only a 24 hour window in which to play in this new country. Happily, this is plenty of time to consume a hefty helping of the wonders of Zanzibar, the spice island, just off the coast from Dar es Salaam. The history of this place is fascinating. In the last 1000 years it’s changed ownership about as often as Constantinople and the mix of influences is evident in the food, the architecture, the language, and so on. Getting into those details is beyond the scope of this publication, but I highly recommend a visit to the Zanzibar wikipedia page. This flight was not from the main Dar int’l airport, but from the old airport that services only domestic destinations within Tanzania. There are about three such destinations. Not a surprise, then, that the atmosphere at the airport was extremely laid-back. Security was non-existent, and once I got my ticket I breezed past a row of empty customs booths and right out onto the tarmac toward the plane. Heat radiated off the asphalt in slow waves. Within the hour, I found myself sitting at a table set in the sand on the beach in Zanzibar, drinking a cappuccino and planning my day. I had about six hours before I had asked Salim, my cab driver, to run me back to the airport. What to do? I had some excellent options. World-class beaches…spice farm tours…museums… No. None of these grabbed me. I leaned back and nibbled on a clove biscuit. Then, it struck me. Yes. YES! It was simultaneously the best and worst idea I had ever had. I sat frozen for a moment, rolling it over in my mind, and a smile curled on my lips. I would procure a motorcycle to explore this island. Of course, I had never ridden a motorcycle before and had no license or training whatsoever. I had tried to rent one in Greece and been denied, on the basis that one actually needed previous experience first. I was given instead a 4-wheel quad runner with a lawnmower engine – it might as well have been a tricycle with rainbow ribbons. But I guessed, correctly, that standards would be more lax here in Tanzania. I flip-flopped over to the transit police office and the helpful young officer informed me that, yes, I could get a permit for about $10. Excellent. He squinted briefly at my Missouri driver’s license and asked no questions. Handing it back, he dialed a number on his cell and had a quick conversation in Swahili. “My friend come pick you up. He give motorcycle.” How convenient, I thought, that the government office in charge of issuing permits has a direct link to the businessmen renting the vehicles. Ten minutes later a middle-aged Zanzibari man with a friendly face and a stubbly gray beard arrived to pick me up. He mumbled his name and I didn’t understand. I just nodded. Let’s call him Ishmael. Ishmael took me to an empty football field outside of town and gave me a crash course in motorcycle riding. The course was brief but covered a lot: starting, stopping, switching gears, blinkers, horn, gas (gauge busted), oil, and even how much to pay someone to help me change the tire. I hopped on and after a few false starts, circled twice around the field, keeping the machine in first gear the entire time. Ishmael waved me down, and I pulled up to a jerky stop, killing the engine. Since I’d left a minute ago, he had lit up an enormous joint, which was dangling from his lips and sending smoke ribbons into the air. “You look good. You feel good?” With an entirely straight face I said, “Yup, I feel good.” “Good.” From his pocket he took a folded piece of paper – a blank photocopy of a Zanzibari driver’s permit. He hunched forward, taking a long pull on the joint, and on his knee he signed his own name on the permit under the heading “Signature of Certifying Officer.” I realized quickly that Zanzibar is not the ideal place for an American to learn something like motorcycle riding. For one thing, traffic flows on the left side, British style. Even behind the familiarity of a car steering wheel, this would require full concentration at first. Also, as in most developing countries, a set of defined rules of the road exist only in theory, if at all. The de facto law is that chaos and anarchy reign. Within what appears to be one single lane of traffic, there are actually four sub-lanes. Farthest left are the bicycles, who hug the side of the road right up to the dirt. To their right are the wooden carts drawn by oxen or goats, moving at snail’s pace but too big to be muscled off the road. Then, the narrow channel carved out for the motorcycles and scooters. Furthest right you find the cars and dalla-dalla busses, which cut across all other sub-lanes, with no warning, to pick up and drop off passengers. I’ll admit that I had some serious problems at first. My reflex reaction to brake was to twist the right handle, which I must’ve learned from some video game or dirt bike as a kid. Well, twisting the right handle is basically like slamming your foot down on the gas pedal in a car. I knew it was wrong, but just couldn’t override this reflex when I needed to react quickly. Several times I would try to brake, but instead rocket forward directly into whatever intersection or obstacle I was trying to avoid. Jesus! After the third time I slid left into the ox cart lane for a breather. Whew. I got the hang of it eventually, but it took literally all my conscious effort to manage the bike and negotiate the other road obstacles around me. I headed out of the bustle of Stone Town towards the closest beaches about 15km to the north, in a town called Bububu. No, that’s not a typo. Bububu. I challenge readers to say that name out loud without laughing. Thankfully, the rest of my ride was uneventful. I cruised north and, once the traffic thinned, got to really enjoying the ride. I was probably going about 20 miles an hour but it felt like 60. I saw not a single other mzungu and got plenty of hoots and hollers from the kids on the side of the road. I threw them a big thumbs-up. Jambo! I returned the bike a few hours later and celebrated my adventure with a liter of Tusker and fish tacos. The restaurant I found is called Mercury’s, and it has a perfect view of the bay and the dhow boats tethered along the beach. If you ever make it to Zanzibar, drop by. The place is named in honor of Freddie Mercury of Queen. No joke! There was even a bio on Freddie inside the menu. Apparently he was born in Zanzibar. If any reader wins a trivia jackpot on that little information gem, I kindly request a 50/50 split. Atentamente, Your correspondent, 78 Haile Selassie Road, Dar es Salaam, Tanzania
Dear Beanland Readers,
A hearty hello from your faithful correspondent! I have been woefully out-of-touch with many of you since my last adventure, for which I apologize. Since leaving Bishkek, my travel shoes have mainly stayed tucked in my closet, next to a borrowed but yet unused tennis racket. My passport has suffered through a brutal dry spell. My walking stick has laid unstroked for…well, you get the idea. Not much globe-trotting to report on. Yesterday, however, the world caught up with a vengeance. Your correspondent now finds himself at a collision of cultures that would make Manu Chao or Tom Friedman’s head spin. At present I am writing from a hotel staffed by Swahili-speaking East Africans, adorned (to an absurd extreme) with the art and architecture of the Roman Empire, owned by expatriate Indians, serving exclusively Italian food, in a city given an Arabic name by an island Sultan. Where am I, then? If you guessed Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, wow - you’re right! Congratulations, you win a free lifetime subscription to the Beanland Diaries and related publications. What I’m doing here is another matter, and still somewhat unclear even to me. I arrived yesterday to find that not a single one of my week’s supposed meetings had yet been scheduled by my local counterparts. I had been warned by my fiancée (see below!) that “things in Africa don’t work the way you plan them.” Indeed. Perhaps having no plan whatsoever from the start is seen a way to avoid having a plan fall apart later. In any case, this no-plan-having allowed me to spend my first day in the cradle of humanity doing two things, familiar to regular readers, which I enjoy immensely while traveling: jogging the streets and playing with a new language. As you well know, these have become the twin lenses with which your correspondent tries to process all foreign environs. With the help of Rattu, my breakfast waiter, I picked up a few essential phrases while eating my omelet. Swahili is a bold, bouncy language, easy to parse and fun to pronounce. Rattu patiently laid out the basic phrases like, Hello (Jambo), Thank you (Asante), and the indispensable, Where is the bathroom? (Cho kiko wapi). He also taught me to say, Mambo vipi, muzungu? which translates roughly as, What’s up, honky? The appropriate response: Poa. In contrast to other cities in the developing world, Dar es Salaam is a surprisingly agreeable place for a jog. I plotted a course up the coastal road and found the desirable combination of dirt sidewalk (easy on the legs) and paved roadway (easy on the lungs). Not a rabid dog in sight. Cars drove by with Bob Marley wafting out the open windows. Deep breaths of warm sea air. Other than a brief brush with a cactus, it was a thoroughly enjoyable experience and now ranks #6 on my all-time list of best runs. For now, this is all I have to report on from Tanzania. Hopefully the next week will generate some interesting tidbits for your reading pleasure. If you don’t hear from me again, it means nothing happened. But, allow me to close by sharing some exciting news, not of an international sort but domestic rather. Your faithful correspondent is getting marred in May of this year - to a wonderful woman named Lou who many of you know. Roasting her in full Beanland style just doesn’t seem like a good idea, for me. So I’ll only say that she hails from a land known equally for its highly-developed philosophy and cheese-making, and she is happy to explain the finer points of both. She loves travel, cold beer, Russian bathhouses, walking tours, and Johnny Cash. She tolerates my mediocre guitar playing as long as I clean the dishes. Atentamente, Your correspondent, 78 Haile Selassie Road, Dar es Salaam, Tanzania
Dear Readers,Sometime around 3am, I regained consciousness with my face plastered to the cold tiles of what felt suspiciously like the bathroom floor. “Hmmm,” I thought to myself. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but I got the feeling that something had gone very wrong with my previous evening. For a moment, I didn’t move a muscle except to let my eyes creak open and survey the scene. Indeed, this was definitely the bathroom. And I was definitely lying in a twisted heap, still wearing my jeans and a half-hiked polo shirt that I had tried and evidently failed to pull off. Now, I had found myself in stranger situations before. But usually there was a good explanation, and this time I couldn’t remember how or why or what had precipitated this rather crude awakening. Then, it all came back to me… Only a few hours earlier I had been wrapping up a tranquil evening at Metro Pub, the local ex-pat oasis with decent burgers and beer on tap. It was about midnight, and we were arguing movie trivia over a few pints of cold Siberian Korona. Stuart, the cardigan-wearing Swedish PhD student, was convinced that the surfing colonel in “Apocalypse Now” had been played by James Caan. Dude, no way. The actor’s name was on the tip of my tongue. I could picture him clearly. Standing barrel-chested and unflinching as rockets exploded around him, gazing off at what was officially the only two-way left-right beach break in all of Vietnam (and Cambodia as well, unofficially). No, that definitely was not James Caan.I decided to call it an early night, so I settled my tab and headed for the door. I was followed by Aaron, the guy who had been occasionally crashing on my couch as he wove his way back and forth from Kyrgyzstan to Uzbekistan. Aaron deserves an entire Bulletin for himself. But let’s just say that he is the kind of guy that would never hurt a fly, but manages to accidentally inflict massive damage upon himself on a weekly basis. I would have done well to remember this.Halfway home, Aaron veered off towards a sidewalk vendor with a table of neatly arranged packets of gum, cigarettes, and candies. He didn’t reach for any of these, but instead leaned down and whispered something to the old woman attending the table. She nodded. From her flowered smock she pulled a thin plastic package and handed it to him in exchange for a few wrinkled bills. My interest piqued.Out of the corner of my eye I watched Aaron open the package and empty what looked like dark green peppercorns into the palm of his hand. Then, in one swift motion, he flung them into his mouth, snapped it shut, and started moving his jaw from side to side. Now the curiosity was killing me, and I had to ask what it was. “It’s sort of like tobacco,” he explained, trying not to open his mouth too wide. “But you can only find it in Central Asia.”That was the hook. Whatever this strange substance was, I would probably never see it again in my lifetime. So no matter how unpleasant it looked or smelled or tasted, I absolutely had to try it at least once. (Readers should note that I have since reconsidered and roundly rejected this line of reasoning) I asked Aaron to give me a very small amount, just a little to get the taste. They looked harmless. He tilted the packet over my cupped hands and flicked it until six or eight of these curious pellets rolled out.But harmless they were not. Within seconds, my jaw started to tingle and I was feeling dizzy. Luckily we were already inside the apartment building, but I was fumbling just to get my keys into the lock. By the time we got inside, my world had become a quivering funhouse mirror and I had lost my equilibrium. I fell backwards heavily onto the couch, and seemed to continue sinking endlessly into the plush cushions. Whoa. A swirling fog entered your faithful correspondent’s head, who by now had realized that this little taste test was turning into much, much more. My neck went slack, and my head started to flop from side to side like a Buckwheat bobble-head doll. Aaron’s voice drifted through, echoing, “You alright, man?” Then suddenly, everything changed. The fog cleared, and my funhouse vision snapped into sharp focus. I launched forward off the couch and found myself standing in a moment of total lucidity and infinite knowledge. It was as if my whole life had lead up to this moment. Without thinking, I grabbed my cell phone off the table and quickly thumbed out an SMS message containing two critical, brilliant words: Contact: Stuart Sent: 13-08-2006, 12:54 AM Message: ROBERT DUVALLSon of a bitch, that was IT! I took a deep, triumphant breath. But alas, quickly as my moment of total consciousness came, quickly also it went. The fog of nothingness returned with a tidal wave of nausea. My internal organs roared, protesting the foreign substance I had willingly ingested only 15 minutes earlier. My legs wavered. Things were again going downhill fast. There was only one logical place to go.I started stumbling haphazardly towards the bathroom, my left shoulder crashing into the wooden doorframe. I bounced back a few paces and lined up to make another attempt. Who the hell changed the gravity in this place? As we now know, I eventually made it through the door. But what happened after that, I cannot say. It is a secret locked in those cold blue ceramic floor tiles. In truth, this is probably for the best.Ending up on the bathroom floor was actually something of a best-case scenario, as things could have been much worse. After I went down, Aaron managed to find his way out of the apartment and into the unlit streets of Bishkek. He got lost, of course. Sometime before sunrise found a park and decided that his best option was to stop and sleep in the dirt. He slept, probably quite peacefully, until he was woken by two Russian grandmothers on their way to Sunday market. They got him to his feet and dusted him off, quietly muttering their disapproval. Still extremely disoriented, he asked for directions to the apartment and swerved off down the sidewalk in the opposite direction. He would realize only later that he had lost the spare set of apartment keys and all of his money.
And now, dear reader, I have a piece of bad news. I am sad to announce that this less-than-flattering tale marks the end of your Bishkek Bulletin subscription. On Monday I start the long journey home from Kyrgyzstan, passing through Yerevan, London, and Chicago before arriving in St. Louis. After a week there, I will eventually continue on to my true home: study cube #103 in the SAIS library. It’s back to books for your correspondent. I truly hope you’ve enjoyed reading these lengthy ramblings as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them. For your continued enjoyment, I have archived all past Bishkek Bulletins and Beanland Diaries at the following location: http://beanlanddiaries.blogspot.com. Unlike most blogs, nothing much will happen here in the foreseeable future, until your correspondent receives his next foreign assignment. Until then, amigos, take good care and send an email when you get a chance. Hasta la proxima! Sincerely, Your Correspondent, Moskva St, 8th Micro-region, Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan [Please send comments and criticisms in writing to 5 Ridgewood Rd, St. Louis MO 63124 attn: Jerome]
Dear Readers,
Think fast! You look up to see a wooden cart piled with severed cow heads barreling towards you at top speed. You move to clear the narrow bazaar aisle, but realize you're trapped with high stacks of watermelons on either side. "Oh, shit", you mutter to yourself. What do you do? In DuPont Circle or suburban St. Louis, one is rarely forced to negotiate a situation like this. For a moment your correspondent stood frozen, my precious final seconds ticking by. I was hypnotized by the gruesome image of this cart o' carnage hurtling towards me. A woman next to me screamed. I snapped out of it, and realized I needed to do something fast. Luckily, the loan officers had taught me the fake-and-spin technique that is critical for survival inside a Kyrgyz bazaar. At the last moment, the cart now lurching forward just inches from my knees, I spun sideways to safety through a thin opening in the wall of melons. Close call! But rest I did not. Never willing to miss a chance to shoot an exotic photographic for your amusement, I regained my balance and grabbed my camera. The cart was already out of sight, but had left a thin trail of cow's blood on the packed dirt floor. I started tracking it. I tailed the cart out of the fruit section, through the vegetable section, around the nut and spice section, and finally into, you guessed it, the butcher section. (The attentive reader will wonder why these cow heads were going in to, instead of out of the sale area). The Kyrgyz love their meat, so it's no surprise that this is one of the largest and most popular areas of the market. In America we have the nutrition pyramid, with different levels of the triangle prescribing the recommended daily servings of breads, dairy, fruits, and so on. The Kyrgyz nutrition pyramid has only one big level: MEAT, of which one can simply never eat too much. Hordes of people flock to these hanging sides of beef, gleaming magenta mounds of liver, and other assorted parts and pieces which I was unable to identify, in spite my own 30 years of carnivorous activity. The cart finally slid to an abrupt halt in a dead-end corner, and I had my chance. I whipped out my camera and barked my stock phrase, "Mozhna vas sfotagrafyeravat?" [Can I take your picture?] After a few seconds deciphering my question, the cart driver nodded, reached down, and hoisted the head of an unfortunate heifer up for the camera. I snapped the photo. If you look closely, you can even see the hint of a smile on the cow's face. This incident was part of a weekend spent exploring the ancient southern city of Osh, in the hot and turbulent Ferghana Valley. I flew to Osh from Bishkek on an aircraft that most readers are probably not familiar with, the Khrushchev-era Antonov AN-24 twin prop. Call me a child of the G.I Joe 80s, the Reagan years, the Us vs. Them years, but to me there is still something unsettling about boarding a plane and seeing that all the signage is in Russian. Maybe I watched Red Dawn and Rocky IV too many times. But then, things got clearly worse. Our plane was delayed on the tarmac as a dozen uniformed soldiers boarded and took seats among the civilian passengers. I watched in shock as they carried their assault rifles on board with them, casually stowing them in the open overhead bins. Now, I don't want to sound like a nag, but aren't firearms supposed to go in the luggage hold or something? If I can't even bring my tweezers on board, I'm pretty sure that you shouldn't be flying with that loaded AK-47 in your lap. I sat back, queued up my iPod, and tried to "enjoy the flight". This, unfortunately, was impossible. The temperature in the un-pressurized cabin was a toasty 95 degrees, causing sheets of sweat to run down beneath my polo shirt. When the A/C finally did kick on, the temperature plummeted to Arctic levels and everyone started coughing. The seats had evidently been arranged so that only a midget could be perfectly comfortable. Anyone over four feet tall must find some way to contort their hips and wedge their knees into the cracks between the seats in front of them. Somehow I got situated and turned to gaze out the window to watch the peaks of the Kyrgyz Alatau range rolling by below us. Then, just as I started to relax, the A/C clicked off. The boiling heat returned along with the faint, wafting smell of old vomit. In the entire 3000 year history of Osh, supposedly older than Rome, I think I am the only person ever to go jogging. At least that's what one could infer from the looks of total bemusement on the faces of every person I passed. Old women wrapped in shawls stopped on the sidewalk to watch me go by. Groups of kids dropped their toys and gawked. Even dogs, which in Bishkek or Tegucigalpa would have instantly charged after my ankles, sat dumbfounded. I had set out that afternoon, slathered in sun block, to get some exercise and cool my nerves after the AN-24 experience. Despite the Ferghana heat, Osh is actually a great city for jogging. I went for miles down the wide sidewalk of Lenin Street, passing by green parks and open plazas. Then, I came upon the main feature of this avenue, the massive statue of the man himself. The Big Bolshevik. The Dude, for his time and place. Lenin. There he stood in a classic pose, his left arm holding down his windblown overcoat, his right arm confidently pointing the way towards the bright, socialist future. You've gotta give the guy props for trying. I flashed him a peace sign and kept jogging, perhaps symbolically, in the opposite direction. Sincerely, Your Correspondent, Moskva St, 8th Micro-region, Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan [Please send comments and criticisms in writing to 5 Ridgewood Rd, St. Louis MO 63124 attn: Jerome]
Dear Readers,
Paragliding is not what comes to mind when one envisions an average Sunday afternoon in Muslim Central Asia. But alas, these valleys through which the dark terror of Genghis Khan's hordes once swept have also been overrun by a more recent unstoppable global phenomenon: extreme sporting. Who would have guessed that even in Kyrgyzstan the adrenaline junkie can find everything from skydiving to rafting to paintball? As always, your fearless correspondent jumped at the chance to put himself squarely in harm's way with no goal other than satiating your appetites for pulp non-fiction from faraway lands. Enjoy with all due caution. Our guide for this adventure was a sharp-featured, bouncy guy named Sergei who had spent several years as a paratrooper in the Russian army. On Sunday morning we loaded into his dust-caked VW Golf and left Bishkek, heading towards the rolling green hills to the south. The view in this direction is quite inspiring. Between the hills rise the dramatic white peaks of the distant Tian Shan range, forming the border with western China and holding some of the most treacherous alpine passes in all of Asia. With the wind in our faces and the radio pumping out Shit-FM, the spirit of adventure was thick the air. The extremeness started earlier that I'd expected, however. Sergei perhaps failed to mention that he also enjoys high-speed rally car driving when he's not dangling from a parachute. Fists clenched white on the wheel, he drive at over 70 mph down the winding dirt road. Several times we slid sideways through gravel patches and made jerky corrections to avoid a pothole or farm animal. Trying to stay cool, I turned to gaze out the window, and noticed that the Golf had a billowing trail of dust behind it. I let my mind wander and imagined the Golf as a dust-caked meteor with a long blazing tail, forcing its way through the atmosphere. This distracting thought was comforting for a brief moment. Then this meteor image, which would suggest our bodies plummeting towards an obliterating impact with the Earth's surface, seemed inappropriate. We were, after all, about to hurl ourselves off the top of a mountain. I turned my attention back to the radio. Switchbacking our way up the steep grassy slopes, we finally arrived at the high hilltop that would be our take-off point. It was obvious why this was the choice spot. Strong gusts of wind swept up from the valley below, and the round crest of the hill dropped off quickly to a steep incline, creating the perfect conditions for a leap into the great wide open. We unfurled the gear and consulted the windsock. It flapped limply on the metal pole, meaning we would need to wait a bit. Your correspondent thought it wise to ask, in advance, for translation of the key phrases that were likely to be shouted at me once we were airborne. Let's call this "Survival Russian" of the most distilled variety. There were suspiciously few: Run, Jump, and Land. My brow furrowed. Run, Jump, and Land. Could it really be that simple? I felt like Bill Murray at the photo shoot in Lost in Translation. "Are you sure that's all he said?" We strapped on snug body harnesses and helmets, and then clipped ourselves to the parachute's cables. I felt the wind pick up, and looked to Sergei for the first command. Not yet, he motioned with a flat hand. Then, the chute whipped open with a fresh burst of wind. Sergei hunched down, turned back to look at the inflating parachute, and shouted – RUN! Like thoroughbreds out of the gate at Gulfstream, we were off, charging forward against the incredible drag of the chute and towards the drop-off ahead. High school physics lessons raced through my mind and settled on a single phrase: terminal velocity. But before I could think too hard, the second command came – JUMP! Then suddenly, we were floating. I looked down to see my legs dangling and my New Balances brushing through the top of the high grass. Cheers came from the group on the hill as we pulled away, gaining altitude and soaring off into the open air. "Atlichna, ochen atlichna!" I screamed, which I think means "very excellent", and was the only thing I could think to say to Sergei. His hand shot forward over my shoulder with a big thumbs-up, the international symbol for total awesomeness. "Da, atlichna", he chuckled. From there on out, it was pure bliss. Most of the flight was smooth, but sometimes a sudden burst of wind would grab us, sending our digital altimeter into a beeping fit as we rocketed upwards. Below I could see grazing cattle and farmers loading hay bales, all of whom seemed indifferent to the utter extremeness happening just above their heads. I settled back into the canvas seat pouch to enjoy the ride, wishing I'd thought to bring my iPod. Some Hendrix or Floyd would have been perfect. After nearly half an hour of gliding, and me humming "Pigs on the Wing" over the altimeter's spastic rhythm, I could feel Sergei begin to bring us down. He guided us towards a long, flat field where the pickup vehicle already waiting. Slowly at first, the endless blue which surrounded us gave way to brown and green as the ground rose up to meet us. Now we were dropping fast. I grabbed hold of the webbing on each side and put a slight bend my knees. Passengers, please insure that your tray tables are stowed and locked and your seatbacks are in their most upright position. The final command did not really need saying, as there wasn't really another choice at that moment. But to complete this Holy Trinity of paragliding, Sergei yelled it anyway – LAND – and for the hell of it, I screamed it back – LAND! Our feet hit the hard dirt, and we ran to keep from tumbling forward with the momentum we still carried. Behind us, the blue chute crumpled to the ground with a long, soft wheeze. We had landed. Sergei and I high-fived and started to pack up the gear. The adventure was over. Or so I thought. Sergei had one secret English phrase up his sleeve. He flipped up the visor on his helmet, cracked a wide smile, and said, "Bonus ride?" Sincerely, Your Correspondent, Moskva St, 8th Micro-region, Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan [Please send comments and criticisms in writing to 5 Ridgewood Rd, St. Louis MO 63124 attn: Jerome]
Dear Readers,
Most foreign correspondents would only dream of an opportunity like this. Last week, your faithful scribe got the chance to shadow an elite team of Kyrgyz officials on an adrenaline-fuelled strike mission, weaving deftly through crowded bazaars and narrow alleys in search of elusive targets. Lagging only a few paces behind the team leader, your fearless correspondent risked life and limb with no goal other than the accurate capture and relay of details for your reading pleasure. Well, I might be exaggerating a tad. Actually, this was not a military team of any kind. And when I say "officials" I mean only that they wore official-looking, laminated nametags printed on a home computer. These were, however, grizzled, field-hardened microcredit loan officers – a microfinance SWAT team, if you will. Loan officers. They are the foot soldiers of economic development in a country like Kyrgyzstan , who are tasked with conducting visits to the innumerable homes and businesses of prospective borrowers. This might sound easy, but I assure you it is not. Try finding any specific house in a town of 50,000 with no street signs, white pages, or telephone. Or a particular stall vendor in the swarm of a massive outdoor bazaar, amid endless rows of fruit barrels, freshly-butchered meat, pirated DVDs and peach-colored underwear from China. Yet these loan officers seem to have some sixth sense for doing exactly that, routing out their mark like a truffle pig in the Belgian forest or a beagle at baggage claim. Let me describe a typical home visit. Somehow, the loan officers divine the location of the house. The silver Niva, our transpo, whips around an unsuspecting corner and comes to a halt in a cloud of dust. The doors open and release a tidal wave of pounding techno music. Dogs start to bark. The music is likely coming from a radio station called шит-фм, pronounced by the deejays as "Sheet-FM". Literally, Shit-FM. And the name is spot on, since the music is horrendous. Kyrgyzstan seems to be the global market of last resort for bass-heavy, breathy vocal techno music from Europe, Russia, and Turkey. Exiled from its home country, Kyrgyzstan happily consumes this refugee musical product in massive quantities. At all hours you will hear it mercilessly pounding from cafes, taxis, and - Wait, I've gotten off track. Let's start again. Our silver Niva whips around an unsuspecting corner and comes to a halt in a cloud of dust. The doors open and techno music bursts out. Dogs start to bark. The driver rolls down his window and begins smoking a long chain of "American" brand cigarettes, which are suspiciously not sold anywhere in America. He slides back in his seat as three other people emerge from the car: two middle-aged Kyrgyz women with gold teeth – front teeth, mind you – and one slim foreigner of ambiguous ethnic origin, wearing wrinkled khakis. We approach the modest house and knock. A loan officer states that someone in the household has applied for a loan and we have come to inspect. Our visit is intentionally unannounced, but no one seems to mind the intrusion. Perhaps this is some left over acquiescence from the Soviet days? In any case, whoever answers the door usually forces a half smile and nods for us to come in. We take off our shoes at the door and begin our examination. Since these small loans do not have any formal collateral to back them, microfinance lenders gather as much information as possible about a new client's economic level and repayment capacity. On these visits, all household assets are meticulously logged and a digital picture is taken for the client's file. The refrigerator is duly noted and photographed. If there's a television, it is duly noted and photographed. Then we move to the back yard. Sheep and piglets are duly noted and photographed. One family claimed they had cows, but we cannot just take their word for this. Oh, no. We traipsed down the block to the grazing field with the eldest son, who whipped the reluctant cows out of the shade and into plain view – where they were duly noted and photographed. On the way back from the field we passed wide tracts of wild marijuana plants, which I mentally noted and photographed. No, you guys go ahead, I'll catch up! After several days of these visits, I was exhausted. But I had gathered, among other things, all the information that I needed for my work. It was time to go home and let these professionals continue unhindered. In broken Russian I thanked the loan officers, Noorjamal and Ainagul, and flagged down the next marshrutka van that came bumbling down the highway. Pointing west, I asked, "Bishkek, da?" I climbed aboard and miraculously found a seat. Bishkek or bust. Back to civilization, mission accomplished. Sincerely, Your Correspondent, Moskva St, 8th Micro-region, Bishkek , Kyrgyzstan [Please send comments and criticisms in writing to 5 Ridgewood Rd, St. Louis MO 63124 attn: Jerome]
Dear Readers,
A hearty hello from your faithful correspondent! It is my pleasure to welcome you to the first issue of the Bishkek Bulletin. It's been a full year since the last Beanland Diary, and I owe many of you a very belated update. Since leaving Honduras last July, I've had the pleasure and pain of studying international affairs in our nation's capital. I've learned a bit about such seemingly unrelated topics as the Ottoman Empire and statistical modeling, the Argentine debt crises and Archduke Franz Ferdinand and the AA-DD curve. I've also had the chance to befriend some great people at SAIS, perhaps the only place on Earth where former Peace Corps volunteers and former Green Berets are considered colleagues. Beanland readers, welcome back. SAISers, PCVs and everyone else, welcome to my self-indulgent cross-continental ramblings. On this pleasant evening your correspondent is writing from the heart of Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan. Do not be embarrassed if you either 1) do not have any idea where Kyrgyzstan is, or 2) take several tries to pronounce it. I also needed the help of both a map and a phonetic spelling only a few months ago. Still squinting at that map? Here's a hint. Look at China and go left. If you hit water or Europe, you went too far. Bishkek is a surprisingly pleasant city, endowed with wide streets, lots of trees, and what Lonely Planet describes as "traditional Ukrainian-style block architecture". This unique school of architectural design, largely underappreciated by critics outside the former Soviet bloc, is characterized by massive swaths of unpainted concrete, exposed rebar, and long dark hallways from which the light bulbs were either stolen or never installed in the first place. However, out in the streets of Bishkek you are never more than a block away from a hot shish kebab, a refreshing sour milk beverage, or a statue of a former Soviet leader. It's quite welcoming. The Russian beer called Baltika is sold everywhere. This beer isn't much to write home about taste-wise, but it does have a very practical feature. Each type of Baltika is named according to its alcohol content. Baltika 3, Baltika 5, Baltika 7, even Baltika 9. For your correspondent, inclined towards quantitative analysis, this is great. These numbers allow for very handy estimations of one's beer utility function, and for very precise targeting of optimal drunkenness equilibrium points. Inevitably, I compare Bishkek to my last host country capital, Tegucigalpa. Perhaps the first difference you notice is the safety situation. In Tegus, every listless 17-year-old "security guard" wields a loaded shotgun, and every conceivably-scalable surface is laced with electrified razor wire and peppered with glass shards. In contrast, doors in Bishkek are open and inviting. I haven't seen an inch of barbed wire. Even uniformed officials carry only batons. Batons! For the next three months I will be working with a economic development program that offers tiny loans to tiny businesses throughout rural Kyrgyzstan. There will be some field research, but much of my time will be spent in an air-conditioned office on the 9th floor of the surprisingly modern Bishkek Business Center. (Quite a change from the decrepit alcaldia building in Cantarranas) Luckily, we had a chance early on to leave the capital and visit the branch offices around the lake Issyk-Kul, the photos from which are linked below. As you can see, Kyrgyzstan is gorgeous, and Kyrgyz kids give some stiff competition to Hondurans on the cuteness scale. And finally, we need to talk about the language issue. The wheel of fate has dealt me a cruel spin. After years of building up my Spanish, I now find myself reduced to clunky, one-way, caveman conversations in Russian. Ahhh, Russian. A language where no word is too long. A language that makes German sound romantic. And a language where you are thankful to get even a single vowel. Consider an example. To say "on Thursday", you say roughly "fff-chtt-vvvy-rrkkgg". Just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? And my kingdom for a cognate. Luckily, there is a solution – vodka. On the field visit last week, I was introduced to the Kyrgyz Bloody Mary: a vodka shot chased with a salted tomato wedge. Only eight or ten of these cocktails will empower even the novice Russian speaker with absolute fluency. It was amazing. Unfortunately, this fluency is fleeting. The next morning you will wake unable to speak a word of Russian. Or English. Or communicate with anything other than labored grunting. For now, fearless readers, I will sign off and let you get back to your real lives. I hope you've enjoyed this little glimpse into life in Bishkek. If you haven't, I'll know when the next Bulletin bounces back off your spam filter. In either case, I hope this email finds you all well and I would love to hear from you, wherever you are. Hasta pronto, amigos! Sincerely, Your Correspondent, Moskow St, 8th Micro-region, Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan [Please send comments and criticisms in writing to 5 Ridgewood Rd, St. Louis MO 63124 attn: Jerome]
Dear Beanland Reader,
This is the end of the trail, campers. The last issue of the Beanland Diaries. In only a few short weeks, your faithful correspondent will pack up his hammock, belt out one last rendition of “Fotografia” down the dusty streets of Cantarranas, and return stateside. Se me acaba la fiesta. Recapping the last two years of my time in Peace Corps Honduras would be impossible, so I’m not even going to try. It has run the gamut in every sense – inspiring and frustrating, challenging and effortless, busy and lazy. "The hardest job you'll ever love"? Sometimes. "The easiest job you'll ever hate"? Yeah, sometimes that too. But at the end of the day, totally absolutely amazing. If you want more details than that, you have two options. One is to catch me this summer in St. Louis or DC. Buy me a beer and I’ll spill my guts. [content removed] What’s next for your loyal correspondent? I’m happy to report that I've foind a way to stiff-arm the real world for yet another two years. In August I start a master’s program in intl. development at the Johns Hopkins SAIS school in DC. An incredible opportunity which I plan to devour with the razor teeth of a ravenous iguana (see Beanland #10). The transition from pueblo volunteer to urban grad student could be pretty jarring. But as long as I can hang my trusty hammock somewhere in my apartment, no matter how small, I think I’ll be OK. Steadfast readers, I truly hope you’ve enjoyed the ride. Thanks for suffering through two years of my self-indulgent ramblings - it helped me to know you guys were still connected to me in some way, if only through my email inbox. I miss you all and can't wait to catch up in person. Until then, one last grande saludo a todos from Beanland... Atentamente, Your Correspondent, San Juan de Flores F.M., Honduras [Please send comments and criticisms in writing to 5 Ridgewood Rd, St. Louis MO 63124 attn: Jerome]
Dear Beanland Reader, The adventure started on an ominous note. After telling my neighbor Idalia that I was headed out for a 10-day trek into La Mosquitia, the remote jungle of Honduras, her smile flattened into a look of deep concern. Her eyes watered over as she tried to hold back her tears. In a cracked voice she said, “Dejame una carta para la familia en caso de que nunca regreses” [Leave me a letter to give your family in case you never come back] Whoa. I knew Idalia, an avid telenovela watcher, was prone to melodrama. But even your perpetually optimistic correspondent was a little shaken up by her words. Let’s start with a little background. La Mosquitia is the lawless, undeveloped wilderness that makes up the far north-eastern corner of Honduras and Nicaragua. It is home to the indigenous Miskito people, although the vast majority is dense jungle, teeming with a dazzling variety of flora and fauna without a human in sight. La Mosquitia exists in physical and cultural isolation - there are not even roads connecting it to the rest of Honduras. You have three ways to get in and out: Dugout canoe (preferred by the Miskito), Hiking (preferred by granola Gringos) and Low-flying aircraft (preferred by, ahem, entrepreneurs who specialize in import-export). Apparently certain ports of La Mosquitia form a very important part of the Colombia-US supply chain, and the narcotraficantes wield tremendous power in these areas. Rumor has it that when the Honduran govt. tried to bump up anti-trafficking measures in far-flung Puerto Lempira (with the help, presumably, of Tio Sam), their efforts were completely thwarted. The newly assigned agents could not find anyone willing to sell them gasoline for their patrol boats. How odd. Fijese que, we just ran out. Our adventure started in a little town called Bonanza, literally at the end of the road in eastern Olancho. There we met up with our team of three guides, led by Mino. Mino is the Honduran cross between Indiana Jones and Macgyver. He was barefoot throughout the entire 10 days of the trip. He is fluent in English, Spanish and Miskito, and seamlessly glides between all three in the course of an average sentence. Rather than take a spot in a tent, he slept commando-style in the mud. He hunted with his bare hands or, if absolutely necessary, a pocket knife. Mino sat us down before leaving Bonanza to orient us on the challenges we would face. He presented a series of numerical scales which your correspondent, inclined towards quantitative analysis, found quite comforting. The first scale was the class system of whitewater rapids, which many Beanland readers are already familiar with. Rapids are classified between Class 1 (happy little bumps) and Class 6 (absolutely treacherous). The Rio Platano, he explained, only had few serious rapids this time of year, and that we would be portaging over some of the sketchier spots when necessary. Cheque. Next, he outlined the pain scale of insect and reptile bites that we were likely to suffer. Class 1 was a garden-variety bee or wasp sting, with minor pain and swelling. Kid stuff. Class 2 jumps quickly up to scorpion bites, which yield hours or days of swollen tongue. A Class 3 sting would come from the gargantuan bullet ant, who’s name derives from a bite so painful that it feels like you’ve been shot. Moving up to Class 4 we have the infamous black widow spider, which will bring a healthy adult to the very edge of the great abyss. Beyond Class 4 there is no point in counting any more, since the scale merges numerically and spiritually with the Infinite. Here we find the many highly-venomous snakes which call La Mosquitia home, like the Fer-de-Lance, the Matabuey (Ox Killer), and several members of the “familia peet veiperr”. I was starting to wonder if Idalia was right about that letter, after all. Our trip started by strapping all our gear, rafts and paddles backpacks and food barrels, onto a platoon of donkeys and horses that Mino had arranged. We hiked a full day to reach the headwaters of the river, where we inflated the rafts, loaded in the gear, and started paddling. From that point, we didn’t see another person for the next week, which we spent meandering rio-abajo through endless sheets of gorgeous green foliage (see new photos on Snapper). Some days were super tranquilo, when the current was fast enough for us to coast without paddling but not too fast to require much attention. Some days were grueling. Three times we had to empty the rafts and hump everything over sketchy boulders and twisted jungle paths. Everything means everything: bulky dry bags, 60lb food barrels, water jugs, the folding toilet-seat contraption (dubbed “La Reina” in memory of the BBC reporters that donated her), and sometimes the rafts themselves. Tough work. We usually arrived at camp exhausted. If there was enough daylight, we would wash our clothes or ourselves in the river. After devouring some bean baleadas or sardine pasta or whatever chef Mino had planned as the plat-du-jour, we would pass out hard in the tents. The next morning, up at 5:00AM en punto. Coffee, cornflay, back into your river clothes (still wet) and into the boats. At every bend in the river there was some new animal that most of us had never seen outside of a zoo or the Discovery Channel. Dozens of species of birds, from hummingbirds to hawks, were constantly buzzing overhead. Most entertaining were the scattered gangs of monkeys, who would break into a routine of spastic branch-shaking and howling to get our attention. We were fascinated. “Look, they’re so cute! So curious!” we said dotingly. Mino responded, “Yeah, the curious ones are the first to be eaten by the jaguars.” Another source of entertainment were the iguanas. First of all, they were mutant huge. Four feet from tip to tail is not an exaggeration. Think komodo dragon from “The Freshmen”. Like many reptiles, these iguanas spend their days slothing on a warm branch minding their own business. Since most of their predators are non-aquatic, their reaction to any unknown presence is to simply roll off their perch, plunging in a lumpy belly flop to the river below. Upon hearing their distinctive “plop”, Mino would drop his paddle in mid-sentence and dive into the murky water after them, intent on preparing garrobo soup at least one night. Iguanas have teeth like saw blades, he explained. The trick is to get them at just the right place. Where is that? The hips. Grab them at the hips and they can’t get around to clamp down on the meaty flesh of your forearm. Sounds easy enough, catching a huge biting lizard underwater. You go first and I’ll be right behind you. No, really, I insist. Finally on day 8, we caught sight of a few thatched huts raised up on tree trunks – civilization! We had reached Las Marias, a small Miskito fishing community. We met the family of one of our guides, Rosendo, who displayed the traditional Honduran hospitality and offered us chocolate cake and other homemade sweets. Then, the tables were turned and Rosendo offered US to them. He announced that there were some eligible bachelors in our group, introduced Dylan and me, and told his daughters and nieces to choose quickly because there were only two of us. In the ensuing frenzy, sadly, we lost Dylan. He generously sacrificed himself and allowed me to escape with only Class 2 injuries. In Las Marias we deflated the rafts and loaded the gear into a few pipantes, long single-file dugout wooden canoes onto which we strapped outboard motors. Relaxing in a pipante is not easy, since it seems like you’re always on the verge of capsizing. Our navigator was constantly barking in Miskito at the guy manning the motor. After six hours puttering through lazy river bends, tight mangrove canals, and coastal lagoons, we arrived at Palacios. In Palacios we had arranged to stay at the local hotel, which we were very excited about – a shower and a real bed after over a week of camping. As we got closer to Palacios, we giddily asked Mino to describe the hotel. “It’s, you know, a hotel. Made of cement...” Cement, huh? Sounds cozy. No swim-up bar in the pool? No room service? In Palacios we cleaned up and nursed our wounds. Nothing serious, but we had accumulated a pot-pourri of minor infections, fungi, blisters and cuts that needed some attention. We showered, washed down a dinner of camarones and rice with a few cold beers, and trudged back to our luxury concrete hotel. We were up at 4:30AM the next morning to complete the final leg of our trip. Covering an incredible distance in pipante, truck and bus, we managed to arrive in the beach town of Tela by sundown, just in time for the pending festivities. Your faithful correspondent turned 29 that day and we celebrated with steak and tequila. Perfecto, absolutamente perfecto. I returned to Cantarranas to find a very relieved Idalia greeting me with her normal ear-to-ear smile. “Esta vivo mi gringuito!” she cheered. Such a worrier, that Idalia. Once in the house, I dumped my stinky clothes in the hamper, opened the windows for some fresh air, and ripped that “just-in-case” letter I’d written into a million little pieces...
Atentamente, Your Correspondent, San Juan de Flores F.M., Honduras [Please send comments and criticisms in writing to 5 Ridgewood Rd, St. Louis MO 63124 attn: Jerome] ps. May you rest in peace in the endless squirrel-filled pastures above, George the Dog (a.k.a: Innis, George Beauty, Buchy von Buchenstein)
“Daniel, why the f*** haven’t I gotten a new Beanland email in six God-damned months?!?”
These were my mother’s exact words to me just days ago*. Maybe the rest of you were wondering the same thing, although you might’ve phrased the question less crudely. Granted, she had already had a few belts of Bombay Sapphire when we spoke**, which tends to transform a normally predictable, mild-tongued woman into foul-mouthed conversational land mine capable of surprising an unsuspecting dinner table with language that would make a sailor cringe. (Roo and Erica, feel free to supply some examples) But the question was valid. Indeed mom, what the hell did happen to the occasionally funny, often self-indulgent, but always punctual email saga known as “The Beanland Diaries”? Did your faithful correspondent drown in a cauldron of boiling black beans? Was he kidnapped by a mob of shoeless, toothless, ruthless sugar-high Honduran kids and forced to sing “Hotel California” for months on end? Did he change his identity after [censored] on subversive activity in Cantarranas***? No, none of the above. What has really happed in the last half-year is detailed, in part, in the paragraphs below. Proceed, steadfast reader, with all due caution… Do You Know Bill? It was 9:00 in the morning and Brock and I, having just arrived in Copan on a redeye bus from Guatemala, set out to find Bill, a man neither of us had ever met. We did know the following details about Bill that might aid us in our search: 1) Bill was a rich, white gringo in his 60’s, 2) Bill had only one ear and finally 3) the missing ear had been lopped off in a machete fight outside a brothel in Panama several years ago. The man who had given us this information, our friend Rob the Beer Man*^, had in fact been in Panama and seen said ear come off with his own eyes. Shortly thereafter, Rob himself was shot in the chest with a sawed-off shotgun and lost consciousness. The moral of the story, as Rob tells it, is “if you’re in a brothel in Panama, don’t flirt with the prostitutes that are clearly the ‘property’ of the local warlords.” Brock and I have extracted a different message, simply “Never travel with Rob or Bill anywhere, for any reason.” Nonetheless, we wanted to at least meet the man we had heard so much about and say hi. So we set out to play detective. The looks of horror we got from pedestrians and shopkeepers when we asked, “Conoce a Bill, el gringo que perdió la oreja en una pelea de machete?” [Do you know Bill, the gringo who lost his ear in a machete fight?], were truly priceless. But alas, we never found Bill. Probably for the best. Incidentally, we were returning from Guatemala (a totally separate country from Honduras, fyi) because I had just taken the GRE in Guatemala City. As if studying and taking the test wasn’t stressful enough, imagine tacking on four days of hitchhiking through Central America just to get there and back. (You spoiled shits in the states don’t know how easy you’ve got it) At least I had my vocab list to keep me entertained during the many hours spent sprawled out in the bed of a pickup truck. And the many other hours spent waiting on the side of the highway, thumb out, hoping someone would stop to let me sprawl out in the bed of their pickup truck. (See new photos on Snapper) Mid-Term Meds At the one year mark in your Peace Corps service, all volunteers are required to undergo a medical examination know as mid-term meds. This is a chance for you to learn some interesting details about your own body, like how many parasites are living in your intestines and sharing your meals with you, for example. It’s kinda like a 30,000 mile checkup for a car. In fact, judging by their bedside manner, I think some of the PCMOs (Peace Corps Medical Officers) actually were auto mechanics before studying medicine. Assuming they did in fact study medicine, which still is not clear. Recent budget cuts have forced Peace Corps to scale back in all areas, and the medical unit is no exception. The mid-term med process used to last a week, and now only lasts a day and a half. Dental exams were cut. Blood tests, cut. Evidently, some things have shrunk not only financially, but physically. When it came time for me to give a stool sample, I was handed a two ounce mini Dixie cup. Basically, this is like trying to shit in a shot glass. As my brother Roo no doubt remembers from his fraternity hazing in Connecticut, this is much harder than it sounds. We actually considered doing a round of shots out of the sample cups beforehand, just for shits and giggles (pardon the expression). But we soon realized that it might be hard for us to explain to the doctors why there were traces of undigested tequila in our sample results, and we could be risking a “med-evac” to Washington for alcohol dependency counseling. Captain Dengue It’s a rite of passage for Peace Corps volunteers in Honduras. Sooner or later, you’re going to go head-to-head with Captain Dengue. Captain Dengue (a.k.a. Captain Dandy or Captain Bonebreak), for those who don’t know, is one of the many evil diseases, like malaria, giardia, amoebas and (God-forbid) chagas, that lie in wait for an unsuspecting volunteer. Did you get bitten by a mosquito or a chinche bug? Did you eat a sketchy baleada or taco from a street vendor? If so, be prepared for the fight of your life. Captain Dengue came to my house ready to rumble. He arrived in the form of a single mosquito, but once in my blood stream quickly transformed into much, much more. The battle consisted of six days which I spent lying immobile in a sweaty, shivering ball as my immune system rallied to fight the forces of evil on my behalf. My fever was well into the red-zone, plateau-ing at just under 104 degrees. I had no appetite whatsoever, and in defiance of the laws of physics I actually lost almost ten pounds. I was down, and down hard. Captain Dengue was winning. But evil would not triumph that day. Good prevailed*^^ and the present correspondent slowly but surely emerged from the dark pit of despair, weakened but alive. I spent the next month recovering weight by eating baleadas and drinking beers in La Casona (my normal routine anyway). Now, every mosquito is suspect. You never know when Captain Dengue might return for a rematch. Is anyone still reading? Oh, you are? Well, while I do have much more to spill from the last six months, I think I should wrap it up and let you all get on with your normal, first world lives. Sorry for the focus on health and my intestines, but that’s the reality down here. Shout-outs are due to the whole Roatan crew for an incredible week, despite the rain, with special shouts to Pete and Tina for braving the Honduran hinterlands with me. HUGE shout-out to Jess (a.k.a Mad Dog, Missouri Slim, The Purple Terminator) for winning a major poker tournament as a total unknown and being currently ranked 5th in the world by CardPlayer.com. Please hit me back and let me know what y’all are up to. Also, everyone should pencil into their social calendars a late summer float trip in central Missouri. Count on it, baby! Now I just need to dig out those mini flags for my diplomatic canoe like last time. OK campers, back to beans… Atentamente, Your Correspondent, San Juan de Flores F.M., Honduras [Please send comments and criticisms in writing to 5 Ridgewood Rd, St. Louis MO 63124 attn: Jerome] FOOTNOTES * Not actually true. She never said this, but it makes a good intro and would’ve been funny if she had ** Again, not true. See previous footnote *** Dad: remember that there is no “anus” when pronouncing Cantarranas *^ Not a “invite him to your wedding” kind of friend, but more of a “glad he’s on your side and not against you” friend *^^ Credit is due to Dear Leader George W. Bush for inspiring the Good/Evil Superhero rhetoric
Dear Beanland Reader,
As a general rule, Peace Corps volunteers love having friends and family visit. Of course! It's a once-in-a-lifetime chance to play tour guide in a foreign country where you're a rockstar (and have them bring you tons of crap from the States). However, when you're a Peace Corps volunteer in Central America, the situation is a little different. Honduras is so close to the U.S. that the trip is not as costly or as time-consuming as, say, a three thousand dollar 28 hour flight to Mongolia. Where am I going with this? Combine Honduras' proximity with my father, Jess "Mad Dog" Y****, and his penchant for spontaneous world travel and you've got a real problem. This is a man who, for those who don't know, lives in St. Louis and considers flying to Las Vegas for 36 hours a perfectly normal weekend activity. If you happen to be in New York or San Francisco and want to invite him to dinner, you need only warn him by noon that same day. In fact, he will probably beat you to the restaurant, fresh from the airport and carrying only a small briefcase containing a tin of salted almonds and a pair of running shorts that lost their elasticity in the late 1980's. It takes all the gentle discouragement I can muster to keep him from coming to Honduras every weekend. I have been here for only a year and he has already visited three times, the most recent of these visits occurring only weeks ago. He arrived at Toncontin Airport as usual with his bodyguard, a beefy latino-esque former wrestler who conveniently happens to be my brother, Andrew. They were the first two people to emerge from customs and face the mob of people that swarm outside all third world airports like these, where I was waiting. They were as glad to see me as I was to see them, as I had spent literally my last 40 lempiras on the cab ride to the airport. If they had missed the flight, I would've had to pawn my watch just to get home. In truth, they were probably more relieved to see me. I imagine them struggling in Spanish to describe their destination and negotiate a price with a Tegus cabbie. They would probably start waving crisp 20 dollar bills and somehow end up in El Salvador. Beyond the standard greetings, my dad's Spanish limits him to ordering beer and asking for the check. My brother, even less. He knows only how to ask for a second or third beer by saying "otra", but is dependent on someone else to order the first round and eventually pay. I guess they make a good team. My dad, however, is genuinely trying to learn the language. For a man born with two right brains and dyslexia to boot, this is like a normal person learning to fly or breath underwater. But try he does. In each of his three visits he has had three identical conversations with the cab driver. He takes a deep breath and in a tense, deliberate tone says: Dad: "Buenos Días." Cabbie: "Buenos Días." Dad: "¿De dónde es usted?" Cabbie: "¿Yo? Soy de Tegucigalpa." Dad: "Ahhh...." And that's it. Having run out of questions, he signals the end of the conversation by turning to gaze out the window. Andrew is a different story. He could learn Spanish easily if he wanted to, but he seems to like being in an environment where he understands nothing of what is being said around him. He strolls around Honduras looking pleasantly detached and relaxed. He knows that if anything important comes up I'll let him know, so he's free to just hang loose and watch life go by with minimal participation (much like one imagines George Bush at an international summit, say). I had planned a fun weekend: take a bus to the nearby town of San Juancito where we would spend the night in a remote mountain cabin. I thought the bus ride would be a fun cultural experience. My guests thought otherwise. Through circular logic and lots of quick conversions from dollars to lempiras, I was convinced it would actually be cheaper to rent a car. This would save on both time and chiropractor fees. OK, whatever. Our rental car was a Renault Elf. Neither the name "Elf" nor it's French origin suggested much strength or durability. And indeed, our rigorous demands on the poor vehicle would eventually prove overwhelming. The final two miles of ascent to the cabin consisted of a steep rock-ridden dirt road. The Elf put in 110% and met the challenge - we were proud. Its blaze of glory was short-lived, however, and the next day it died. It could simply no longer take the abuse and gave up on life. We ditched it on the side of a mountain and hitchhiked back to Tegus in an empty truckbed, watching the beautiful mountain paisaje roll by with the wind in our hair. The Elf had died but we felt very much alive. The bellhop at the Intercontinental, the nicest hotel in the country frequented by foreign businessmen and diplomats, was not accustomed to having guests arrive sprawled out in the back of a pickup truck. As we jumped out to the pavement and high-fived Loncho, the driver, he looked unsure whether he should grab our bags or call security. Then he recognized us as the group who'd left in the stylish, but ultimately doomed, French compact car just the day before. Bellhop: "Bienvenidos Mister Y*****, allow me to please take your bag." Dad: "Gracias Manuel, and por favor, mande seis Heineken cervezas para room 814." Atentamente, Your Correspondent, San Juan de Flores F.M., Honduras PS. In early September I'm going to be making a visit back to the Motherland. If you're going to be in St. Louis around Labor Day weekend, or NYC the following weekend, let me know so we can hook up. Sorrel? [Please send comments and criticisms in writing to 5 Ridgewood Rd, St. Louis MO 63124 attn: Jerome]
Dear Beanland Reader,
It is with great relief that I announce that your faithful correspondent has survived his first Honduran dry season. While this part of the year is indeed very dry, this misleading name completely overlooks the season’s main event: the unrelenting hellish heat. Maybe “hellish hot season” was nixed by the Honduran tourism board for marketing reasons. Around Cantarranas in particular, "hell” (according to what Deko tells me it will be like) is a very accurate metaphor. Let me explain. Sugar cane is a popular crop in this region, and the dry season is when the cane farmers set their fields on fire in preparation for the harvest. So in addition to the brutal heat and sun, it’s common on any given afternoon to see a few acres of land engulfed in orange flames and spewing black smoke into the sky. Crispy pieces of burnt cane husk, carried by the wind, sprinkle the town like black confetti from Lucifer’s birthday piñata. Factor in a few desiccated snakes hard-packed into the dirt streets, rabid dogs gnawing on sun-bleached cow mandibles and a church that spontaneously combusted right before Halloween and I doubt Poe or Milton could create a scarier rendering of the underworld. And only a truly masochistic society would deem it inappropriate to wear shorts in weather like this. There’s nothing like slipping into a toasty pair of jeans when it’s already ninety degrees at 8 AM, knowing that you’ll have sweated through them before you even finish the fifteen minute walk to work. The only consolation on this front is that it’s totally acceptable for men to have their shirts unbuttoned all the way down to the navel. I’m serious, you can leave the top 4 or 5 buttons open, flashing ridiculous chest, and no one says anything. With all this flagrant open-chestedness, an observant gringo will quickly notice that Honduran men have absolutely no chest hair. Neither do the women, incidentally, which is just as openly observable. In Honduras breast feeding ranks just below nail clipping and right above farting on the scale of publicly acceptable activities. Whether in the town square, on the bus, in a business meeting or in church (so I’m told), you’re likely to see a baby grappling with a floppy brown breast. This social acceptance derives from simple mathematical necessity, given the massive aggregate nourishment required by Honduras’ enormous infant population (see Beanland #5). The milk-producing Honduran mother is awake for 16 hours on average and hence capable of offering 32 breast-hours daily. If all the infants of Honduras were to get their recommended feeding time, each mother would need to use at least 21.5 of these 32 hours. Right now, by my initial calculations, we’re running at about 14 to 15 average breast-hours daily per mother. Perhaps efficiency could be improved with the organizational help of a motivated Peace Corps volunteer (I’ll suggest this to the manager of the Youth Development project). In other recent events, the end of the dry season also marks the annual Cantarranas Traditional Food Festival, or El Festival de Alimentos Tradicionales. This is a really big deal for my dusty little pueblo, as thousands of people from all over Honduras come in to enjoy the dishes unique to this cozy corner of Central America. “What are these unique dishes?” you’re probably wondering. Let me describe them and their ingredients and it will be obvious why you’ve never heard of Honduras’ traditional foods. Mondongo, for example, might seem like nothing more than a hearty vegetable soup of yucca and corn. Except that the main ingredient, which at first glance looks like a rubbery slab of coral, is actually boiled cow stomach. With the stomach used up for the mondongo, we move on to a dish called shanfaina, made from the chopped heart and liver. Needless to say, I chose to keep to my own personal eating traditions during the festival by washing down bean and avocado baleadas with cold Port Royal. The festival also showcased such traditional activities as cow milking and extracting cane juice with an oxen-driven mill (see new photos on Snapper). As far as beasts of burden go, these oxen might give the donkey a run for shittiest job ever (employment by Sultan Film Productions excluded). First they are yoked together and attached to a rotating horizontal beam which cranks the gears and grinds the cane. They spend hours going in tight circles, their hooves wearing a deep groove in the dirt. Kinda like when Schwarzenegger is enslaved in “Conan the Barbarian”, sans the greased torso. In fact, maybe it would cheer the oxen up a bit to know that while there is absolutely no chance of career advancement for the donkey, it is possible to go from being yoked to a mill crank to Governor of the State of California in just around 20 years. Atentamente, Your Correspondent, San Juan de Flores F.M., Honduras [Please send comments and criticisms in writing to 5 Ridgewood Rd, St. Louis MO 63124 attn: Jerome]
Devout Beanland Diary Readers,
This weekend a small group of volunteers, myself included, participated in what was billed as a goodwill exhibition game of polo, gringos VS. Hondurans. Right-o, good fun, no? But since horses would've been unrealistic for the inexperienced, and swimming pools aren't too common in the campo, both standard polo and water polo were out. That forced us to turn to Honduras' favorite beast-o-burden: the donkey. Ahhh, the donkey. What is a donkey, anyway (Deko?) Where a horse looks regal and content, a donkey has a expression of permanent confusion and deep sadness. This is probably because its working hours consist of hauling loads of firewood out of the forest, its stick legs wobbling under the tremendous weight. It spends its free time tied face-first to a wooden post with only 6 or 12 inches of slack. There is an occasional break to nibble on twigs or dried horse crap. So we rounded up 10 of these poor animals, dragged them out into the blazing sunday sun, and played polo. We had no saddles or spurs, just a rope tied around the muzzle to yank it's oversized head in the direction we wanted it go. Since half the time it would go in the wrong direction anyway, there wasn't much point in trying to steer one way or the other. Easier just to roll the dice, yank the rope to either side, and hope that by dumb luck your animal went where you had intended. We were also reluctant to whip them with the polo mallets to get them to move, as we saw the Honduran team doing. Thinking the donkeys might appreciate a more civilized approach, we kindly told them what we wanted. "OK, let's go!" "Forward!" No response, and then we realized we were speaking in the wrong language. "Vamanos!" "Dele, compa!" Nada. We even tried French, German and a little Swedish. Bubkis. Once we managed to get all ten of us sitting on our beasts at the same time, mallet in hand, the game began. This was a huge event in the town and at least 100 people lined the dusty street to watch. Even the local high school band came out, trombones and tubas and drums and all, to provide a soundtrack. They played a really trippy experimental version of "When the Saints Go Marching In," in which every member played in a different key and time signature. This, combined with the chorus of the Honduran national anthem, made up the entire repertoire. The game itself was a blowout. When the Honduran team reached 15 and we still hadn't scored, we gave up counting goals. Eventually one of our shots did score, but that was only because one of the spectators, out of pity, nudged the goal cage a good six inches in the direction of the incoming ball. People cheered anyway. The Hondurans completely kicked our asses (you didn't think you were going to escape without one "ass" pun, did you?) by working off three main strategic pillars: 1) getting really drunk beforehand, 2) not being afraid to whip your animal and 3) leaving at least one player to tend the goal. Our strategy, chaos, failed. Still reeling a bit from the loss, I arrived the next day in Cantarranas on the early morning bus from Tegus, stepping off into the town center wearing Carhartts covered in donkey fur, a t-shirt that I'd been marinating in for a good 3 days and a week's scruff . The first person I ran into was a well-dressed, clean-shaven Mormon friend of mine, chipper and excited to begin a fresh week of mormonizing. "Whoa, where are YOU coming from?" he asked, used to seeing me in better shape. "Donkey polo." I mumbled in the way you might say "tequila" or "Jagermeister" to explain your appearance and smell in as few words as possible. The mormon looked perplexed, tilted his head and said (I shit you not) "Huh...how do you get them into the water?" Atentamente, Your Correspondent, San Juan de Flores F.M., Honduras [Please send comments and criticisms in writing to 5 Ridgewood Rd, St. Louis MO 63124 attn: Jerome]
[Editors’ Note: Regular readers of Beanland Diaries will notice in this edition a departure from our normal freeform comedic style as we present a more academic, analytical perspective on some of the aspects of life in Honduras. Enjoy with all due caution.]
Dear Friends, Family and Other Interested Parties, On the 6 month anniversary of the start of my adventure in Honduras, I would like to share a few of my observations related to the Honduran culture and Spanish language that I find of particular interest. I hope these observations will shed some light on how language, attitudes and beliefs create the intangible differences found when this culture is compared to our own. I’ll start with an extraordinary example. In a certain pueblo in the mountains of the department of Santa Barbara, the common wisdom of the people is that “thinking too hard” causes your brain to bleed, the source of nosebleeds and eventually brain damage if the thinking isn’t stopped immediately. Children in school avoid difficult problems, like manual multiplication and division, as a health precaution. Whether this debilitating belief has been passed down through the generations or spread maliciously by some rival community is unknown (but might make an interesting research project for an ambitious anthropology scholar). Noticeably lacking in many aspects of life here is the concept of moderation. This manifests itself in many ways both amusing and sad. For instance, consumption of alcohol. The familiar American concepts of “a glass of wine with dinner” or “a beer or two after work” don’t exist, only the extremes. The vast majority simply doesn’t drink at all. And then there are the bolos. Bolos, or drunkards as we might call them, are almost exclusively men between the ages of 25 and 75 who start drinking around 3pm on Friday and don’t stop, literally, for days. I have never in my life seen people this drunk [note: this author has partied with frat boys, touring musicians and Canadians]. Before the sun goes down they are stumbling sloppily through the streets, mumbling and drooling and making little progress towards their supposed destinations. By night time they are passed out face-down where they will sleep peacefully as kids steal their shoes and dogs pee on them. Moderation is also not a consideration in procreation. I was told that the average Honduran mother will have seven children. Men with ten or fifteen children (with different wives) are common. A student at the center where I work told me he is one of his father’s 50+ offspring. Another element curiously absent is personal accountability, which is conveniently built out of the Spanish language (whether the language influenced the attitudes of the people or vice-versa might make an interesting research project for an ambitious linguistics scholar). If you’ve forgotten something you will say “se me olvidó,” which is not translated as “I forgot,” but as “It forgot me,” or “It was forgotten from me,” conveniently shifting responsibility from oneself to...well, to no one. The act of forgetting just happens, and you are simply its latest unlucky victim. Of similar usefulness is the ubiquitous phrase “Si Dios quiere” or “If God wants.” Questions like “Will you be able to make it to the meeting tomorrow?” or “Do you think the power will come back on today” will probably be met with a “Si Dios quiere.” Since in practice the phrase is nearly synonymous with “no,” one might conclude that God actually wants nothing (a confusing idea that might make an interesting research project for an ambitious philosophy scholar). In closing, it is important to keep in mind that while the characteristics of this foreign language and culture might seem odd, it is exactly these differences that make intercultural exchange such a fascinating and enriching process. Imagine how strange our habits and customs must seem from their angle. Ha! Atentamente, Your Correspondent, San Juan de Flores F.M., Honduras [Please send comments and criticisms in writing to 5 Ridgewood Rd, St. Louis MO 63124 attn: Jerome]
¡Puchika! Where is the next edition of Dan´s Beanland Diaries (you are asking yourself)? Did my subsription run out? Has he forgotten about his friends stateside? Of course not. The painful waiting is over, as salvation has just graced your inbox.
I`m alive and well here in Cantarranas, the dusty pueblo I now call home. Let me hit you with some recent hilights: The mob of shoeless kids in my hood now knows that if they knock long enough, the gringo will come out into the street with his guitar and play cheesy spanish pop songs over and over (and over). Now they even bring me a stool. I´m teaching them to sing the blues, and now in the bar 12 turn-around they scream ¨awww yeah¨.I tried to cook beans and it was a horrendous failure. But I can fry platano like a pro.I hung my new hammock today - yeah!Started playing futbol. Since it is the one and only pastime for every male between the ages of 4 and 40, I thought I should give it a shot.We have a variety of banana here called datil. They are midget bananas about 3 inches long, and they make me laugh every time I eat one.I´m going to be shooting and starring in a no-budget commercial, an advertisement promoting the educational center where I work. Once it hits the regional cable station I am going to be famous.Pigs and donkeys roam free in the streets of Cantarranas. Strangely, they always look like they know where they´re going. OK that`s it, just a quick update and an excuse to say happy t-day! Stay cool, D
What's up good people? The times they are a'changin here in Honduras. Next week we finish this heinous training process, swear in as official volunteers, head off to our separate sites and get to work. True, Honduras does have a lot of problems - drug trafficking, gangs, rampant corruption and one of the highest poverty levels in the western hemisphere...but our group of volunteers-to-be is solid and we should have this country cleaned up in no time. They've given us two years but I think 6 or 9 months should be plenty. (btw at swear in we get to meet the president, Ricardo Maduro, and ask him questions. Cool.)
Last week we visited our future sites for the first time. I've got a good one - Cantarranas (aka San Juan de Flores) in the department of Francisco Morazan. It's a town of a few thousand people which sits only about 45 km from Tegucigalpa in a beautiful valley (although a tad warm, but hey cold beer is better when you're sweating, no?). It's right next to La Tigra national park which is supposed to be some of the best hiking/camping in the country. I'm gonna be super busy working with a school and the municipality office and, unavoidably, teaching some English. OK let me give you all some new contact info. Since I'm so close to Tegus, I'm gonna keep using the same mailing address that I've had thru training - the Apartado #3158 one. If you need to get at me quick and you're up for an adventure, you can try one of these phone numbers: Hondutel 777.0233, Honducor 777.0227. I have no phone in my house, so these are the local telecentros. You'll need to call and just leave a message, and they'll come find me and let me know you called. I'm known as "Daniel el voluntario del cuerpo de paz." And you thought all those years of Spanish in high school would never come in handy? So normally things are pretty chill over in Cantarranas, but when I was there last week the shit went DOWN. I'm casually walking across the town square on my way to introduce myself to the police as the friendly new gringo in town when I smell smoke. This in itself wasn't that odd because burning trash is pretty common here. Then I heard some shouts, some screaming, and looked up to see an enormous black cloud billowing from the roof of the catholic church. SHIT! People swarm in from all directions, break down the front doors to a see that the entire inside of the church is consumed in orange flames (see pix on Snapper). "OK" I think, "maybe I'll postpone my visit to the police...they might have their hands full this afternoon." Since the nearest fire department is in Tegus, there wasn't much to do other that rip the pews out, grab the statues, and watch it burn. And burn it did, in front of a crowd of about 500 people - some crying, some quiet, some dumbfounded and some discreetly taking pictures with a pocket-sized digital camera (me). Other than that spontaneous church combustion, life is good. Some of us are planning a quick trip up to the north coast next week after swear-in to celebrate, unwind, and then head to our sites with a renewed spirit and a fresh hangover. I think we deserve it, don't you? Hell yes. Now granted, a trip to the carribean coast to sit in a hammock and drink beer doesn't quite compare to a weekend camping in the frozen tundra steppe of Mongolia and drinking fermented yaks milk, but we can't all be so lucky to have Peace Corps send us to central Asia. This'll have to do. Mucho love, miss y'all... Your Correspondent ps. I just got word from Deko of the Pixies world tour in April. I'm still in shock. Have they announced the locations yet? Are they, say, going to Mexico City? Let's make this happen. I've already got a wingman here and we're ready to act. pps. just a warning that it might take me a long time to respond to emails these days. I've been averaging about one hour a week of internet time so it's kinda hard. fyi. p3s. Happy birthday Tom (late) and Deko (early).
Saludos a todos desde El Paraiso, Honduras! Wow it's been a long time since I emailed the whole crew...we've been so busy and time just kinda sliiiiiides by here like a boiled egg on a plate of hot mantequilla. Two weeks ago we left the comforts (well, the familiarity at least) of our training center in Santa Lucia to spend a month training "in the field" and arrived here, El Paraiso. This is the coffee capital of the country located a stones throw from the Nicaraguan border. It is beautiful here, green rolling hills in every direction.
I'm living with yet another host family and they're awesome. A single mom and her 16 year old son Jose, plus "Goku" the dog. If you thought George and Humphrey were pampered, think again. Goku eats warm milk, tortillas and ground beef twice a day and gets an occasional hard candy or sugar-fried platano, not to mention constant attention from Conchita, my host mom. Although this 3 month training period is long and tiring, we are having a blast here in El Paraiso. There is a ton of musical talent in the group, and we get together 3 or 4 times a week to drink beer and play guitars in D'Palo, the local hang. The owner, Carlos, is incredibly tolerante of our ugly gringo ways...he lets us play Jimmy Buffett and Johnny Cash (RIP) songs without a single complaint, even though he is a professionally trained musician and opera singer(!) and blows us out of the water when we manage to convince him to play for us. No one wants to get on the stage after him. The few songs I learned in Spanish before coming are a big hit. I end up playing some of them 2 or 3 times a night! Scrambling to learn new ones ASAP. So while I have been here for almost 2 months, I am still A) not an official Peace Corps volunteer and B) do not know where I will be spending the remaining 2 years. While they have probably decided already where they are going to send us, they intentionally keep it secret till closer to the end of training. We find out in two weeks and everyone is a little on edge. I do have a few details. While I had assumed that a Business/IT position would probably mean placement in a bigger city, I was wrong. Those of us with a tech focus are being sent to remote rural locations where we will be setting up computer education centers in towns that might not even have phones. Not what I had expected, but I'm super psyched. I will be working with a govt. org that is setting up these centers (which btw have high speed satellite internet connections, so cool) by helping to set up the network, design the curriculum and teach classes, as well as manage some of the business aspects of the center (which need to become economically self-sustainable in 2-3 years). There is an overwhelming level of interest here in Honduras in regards to computers, internet, web pages, databases, etc, and everyone is really enthusiastic about our projects. Even if some of these campesinos don't know how to use the mouse, I'm gonna have them writing SQL stored procedures and cranking out Java applets by the end of my two years, mark my word! What else...food? Beans and tortillas are the base of nearly every meal (yes even breakfast). But shit I can't complain, there is an avocado tree in the yard and we just pulled off 35 whoppers (see photo on Snapper)! On Sunday I had a whole avocado with each meal. Oh, we also just toured a cigar factory, one that produces a really high percentage of the world's cigar tobacco (high like 60%). It was incredible. See photos also. Que mas...we killed a chicken on monday morning and then had it for lunch, that was a new experience. OK I'll stop here, lest I cross the Susman threshold with the length of this email. If you're still reading, congratulations! I hope everyone is living large. I miss the hell out of you bastards (even you Deko). Drop me a line and let me know what's going on in your neck of the woods. Besos y abrazos, Your Correspondent ps. my email list is a little unorganized...sorry if you didn't get my first email. i'm sure I've forgotten people again...oh well. pps. CONGRATS MUDGE! He just won a MILLION dollars to make his first feature film!
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