Before I started my job with OTI, I was a little concerned about what it would be like to work with a bunch of men in a war zone. Would I be respected? Would my opinions and insight be valued? Would it be a daily struggle to get people to take me seriously?

My initial fears were quickly allayed when I began my training with all those future male colleagues and realized the plus-side of being one of the few women in a room full of men: I was a hot commodity! Not only was I not ignored or de-valued, but I got extra attention. People wanted to talk to me; I got free coffee and rides home! This was a bit disorienting at first (note: 80% female grad school program), but I won't deny it was pretty nice. I began to wonder if this is the way life is supposed to be! It began a season of life wherein I feel I'm being treated better by men than I ever have before - even (and perhaps especially) than at church and my Christian undergraduate university. This experience so far has helped me value my identity as a woman in ways I previously had not. I'm realizing that for much of my life, I've seen my gender as a liability, but now I'm learning to recognize and appreciate my femininity as value-added to people around me and the world.

However, after 2 months at KAF, the "honeymoon" period of basking in the limelight is beginning to wear off a little. I still feel like I'm treated really well by my colleagues 98% of the time - I get doors opened for me, people letting me go in front of them in line at the DFAC, and favors from our somewhat cantankerous facilities managers that my male colleagues swear they could never get. I don't notice it too much, but my friends tell me I get stared at walking around the base (my OTI colleague Dan said that for the first few days he was here, he couldn't figure out why everyone was looking at him when we were together - then he realized they were looking at me). So I know I'm conspicuous, but in professional settings, I've been feeling a bit invisible of late.

When people come into the OTI office with a question, they naturally go straight to my supervisor, a man, for the answers. But sometimes I even notice it a little with Dan - that people will defer to him for answers and responses when we're together, even though we have the same level position and I've been at KAF longer than he has. And I feel most invisible at military meetings, which often seem like a "good ol' boys" club, where I feel awkward and out of place. There are many reasons for these professional tensions that have nothing to do with gender - I'm new, I'm young, I'm a civilian, my desk is in a corner of our office that makes it easier to face Rod and Dan than me when people walk in the door. And - truth be told - I often don't have the answers people are looking for when they come to our office; I simply just don't know enough yet. So there's no reason to get all pissy and sensitive about how I'm treated as a woman in the office. Yet, the gender thing is there, and I notice it. Fortunately, I have the mantra of lessons from the job search running through my mind most days: Fight. Don't indulge self-pity. Access the good even in difficult circumstances. Perseverance, hope, patience. It may be harder for me professionally as a woman, or it may not be - regardless, all there is to do is run the race in front of me and tackle the obstacles I encounter, because we all encounter obstacles and mine certainly are not the most onerous. A friend of mine who is also in the Army had some good advice when it comes to first having to battle to get the military to take you seriously:

The only solution to that is to try to find one person in the meeting you can convince, and then convince them. Then find a second and have the first guy convince him that you can help. And from there on you build an army.

Or, plan B is to flirt with them. May not help your credibility, but you may get to go out on a mission with them if they think you will make out with them because they took you.

So, you can go either way with it. It's ok if it's all for the greater good, right? We are trying to win a war here.

So at least I've got options :). But what is more disturbing to me than simply my personal struggles is the fact that on the whole, women are conspicuously absent from most strategic development, planning and implementation across the board - from lethal operations to governance and development (because even though civilians like to think they are driving things, the military still overwhelmingly outnumber us and therefore have the lead even on governance and development issues, for better or for worse [and don't assume I necessarily think it's for worse - I really don't know most days]). Or perhaps I should say women are inconspicuously absent, because I haven't really noticed anyone caring much that women are not a part of these discussions. The other day I was the only woman in a briefing on a topic I studied fairly extensively in grad school, the implementation of which is being completely driven by the military in Afghanistan. This bothered me on numerous levels, but the absence of women was one. Not that men don't have completely brilliant ideas, but when women aren't part of the planning, you are inevitably going to be missing something. No offense to my brilliant and honorable male colleagues, but I wonder if we might be doing a little better in Afghanistan if women were more involved in developing our strategy here.

And this doesn't even touch on the issue of Afghan women's issues, and how difficult they are to access and consult in a divided society, especially when the war/peacebuilding/development effort is being led by men. There are certainly a few efforts being made with Female Engagement Teams and the like, but I can't help thinking this is a big missing piece that we are nowhere close to adequately addressing. If you want to know what invisible looks like, try finding an Afghan woman as a foreign man in Afghanistan.

I don't know what the answers are, but I know this: gender matters. It matters for me, it matters for U.S. policymaking, and it matters for Afghanistan.

Alternate Title: I've Got Soul, but I'm not a Soldier

I just finished a 13-hour workday. A workday that involved eating a chocolate doughnut and a hard boiled egg for lunch, having the civilian Duty Driver responsibility of taking people to the flight line for their movements, meeting a reporting deadline for one of our staff who is on leave, participating in a meeting with our implementing partner's Chief of Party, following up on action items for which I was responsible, eating a tuna sandwich for dinner at my desk, and still leaving a project that's due by COB tomorrow untouched and at least 35 unread emails in my inbox when I left the office at 9pm. This workday came on the heels of an evening spent in the combat hospital emergency room with a friend (for - don't worry - a non-combat-related issue, and she's now fine), and then when I was finally able to get to sleep, being woken at 3am and again at 5am by the rocket attack alarm, forcing me to go out to the bunker each time to wait for the "all clear" before going back to sleep. And this workday comes before my "day off" tomorrow, which will involve working at least 6 hours.

All this to say, I am a hard worker. I can do days like today and chalk it up to doing what it takes to get the job done. But days like today are honestly atypical, and I think they should be. As I said in my interview when I was asked about my strategies for stress-management, "I'm a hard worker, but I'm not a workaholic." I know how to work hard, but I also know how to rest. I know how to take breaks, and how to take care of myself. While some of my colleagues may work 13-, 14- or 15-hour days, 7 days a week, I refuse to. I'm determined that days like today will be anomalies.

You see, in practical terms, I just don't think it's possible to practice the healthy habits of a balanced lifestyle and work those kind of days. There simply aren't enough hours in the day for being a workaholic if you value other parts of your life. My spirit is important to me, so I will nurture it. I will spend time in the mornings with my Creator and Sustainer. My body is important to me, so I will take care of it. I will go to the gym every day, and I won't skip meals or make chocolate doughnuts a regular lunch item. My friends and family are important to me, so I will do my best to stay in touch with them. I will take time each day to write at least one email or Skype with at least one person or post something on my blog (!). My mind is important to me, so I will take time to reflect on my work. I will stop in the middle of my workday three times a week to journal and process through what I am learning and thinking about with regard to peacebuilding in this context. My mental health is important to me, so I will get good nights of sleep. I'll get at least 7, hopefully 8 hours of rest a night. When you add that all up, even if I get up at 6:30 and go to sleep at 11, it really only leaves 9 or 10 hours for work a day. See, it's really just impossible for me to be a workaholic. If you don't care about any of these other things, sure, you can work 16-18 hours a day. But I can't. It's not just that I won't, but I can't!

Of course, there will always be days like today, when, because of extenuating circumstances, I just have to push through and save the gym for tomorrow. I can do that. But I'll make sure these days are few and far between. Now, unless the Taliban or the Duty Driver phone thwart my well-laid plans again, I'm going to go get that good night's sleep.

I've been at KAF for two weeks now and despite some of the idiosyncrasies of this place, I honestly really like it here. Adjusting to base life hasn't been all that difficult, even though it has its funny oddities. Here's a snapshot of my new normal:

Badges, badges, and more badges. Since I started my job in March, I've gotten upwards of 5 new forms of ID. Everywhere I go, I need a different badge to get in - one for the USAID building in DC, one for the Embassy in Kabul, one for KAF, one for the Dining Facilities, not to mention my personal and diplomatic passports. Anyone not in uniform must wear a KAF ID badge at all times on base, so my neck pouch that displays my ID and holds my room key and some cash has become my newest fashion accessory. Idiot Reflectors. That's my name for it. Officially, I'm not sure what they're called, but after dark on base, everyone MUST wear a reflector belt, sold at the PX in the popular colors of either neon orange or neon yellow. I've heard rumors that one can incur a $25 fine for not wearing it after sundown, so post-7pm, this is my fashion accessory #2.No Bags Allowed, i.e. Do These Cargo Pants Make My Thighs Look Fat? KAF is a man's world, and in a man's world, of course purses are not only unnecessary but prohibited. Civilian guys sure do love their cargo pants here, and girls get roped into it too - how else am I going to get to the DFAC with my phone, sunglasses, and possibly notepad and pen? I have not fully mastered the art of cargo pants yet, though; sometimes I'm amazed at the things guys pull out of their pants around here (and not in that way) - those pockets are like Mary Poppins' handbag!Dust. Kandahar is basically a giant dust bowl. Which means, if you look at anyone's shoes or the bottom 4 inches of their pants, they are constantly covered with a brown layer of dust. In fact, the NATO gym requires that you bring an extra pair of shoes when you come to work out because they won't allow you to come inside with the shoes you wore to walk there. For this reason, the U.S. gym, which doesn't have this requirement, is known as the "dirty gym." At least, I think that's why it's known as that...Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Well, actually, it's really planes, helicopters, fighter jets and drones. At KAF, which I've been told is the busiest single-runway airport in the world, the sounds of planes taking off and landing is pretty constant, day and night. I've now gotten used to the sound of the jets taking off, although when I first arrived, I was startled because the noise was what I imagined indirect fire would sound like. Sometimes I still get woken up in the middle of the night by the rumble of engines and the whirring of chopper blades overhead.Boys with Guns and Big Trucks. Should I be concerned that it doesn't phase me to eat breakfast next to 19-year-olds with M-4s strapped around their backs? You see guns about everywhere you see uniforms, which is, well, pretty much everywhere. On a daily basis I walk by scores of huge MRAPS and Humvees without a second glance. It's easy to forget that these things are not as innocuous as they can seem when you're constantly surrounded by them.DFACs, aka Fine Dining KAF Style. We are lucky to have 6 - count them, 6! - Dining Facilities at KAF. One of the most exciting parts of my day is when Jacob comes over from next door, peeks his head in our office and says, "Lunch?" or "Dinner?", and then we commence the discussion about where we will eat that night. Luxembourg is the closest, but Niagara has much better salad options. Cambridge is terrible and far away, so that doesn't enter into the decision-making. But if we're really feeling adventurous, we'll venture even further to Flight Line (our favorite, but a 15-minute drive), Independence (good variety), or East Asia for some curry and stir fry. I'm thinking we need to start our own KAF version of Yelp and post ratings and reviews, because our critiques of the different varieties of cafeteria food are definitely getting more and more refined and sophisticated with time.7-Day Work Weeks. Day off? Who needs one of those?! Well, in reality, Friday is considered a "half day", which means I get to sleep in (glorious!), go into the office around 12, and leave by 8! This schedule definitely makes all the days kind of blend together. Last Saturday, I kept coming close to wishing people a Happy Monday because it felt like the start of a new week after the half-day Friday "weekend." 4-Digit Codes. Our little compound within the base is full of doors with codes. A code to get in through the gate, a code to get in the gate inside the gate to where our office is, a code to get in the door to the office. Considering what seems like excessive security within security within security, it's a little odd that no codes are necessary to enter the building where we live...KAF Money. Yes, KAF has its own (legal?) tender! When I go to the PX and give the cashier $20 for a $19.75 purchase, I won't get a quarter back, but a cardboard circle that looks like piece to a board game that says 25 cents on it. They also have these lovely game pieces in 5 and 10 cent denominations. Good at KAF only! The Boardwalk. The KAF Boardwalk is famous throughout Afghanistan. It is what it sounds like - boards that you walk on lined with shops and restaurants and cafes. Its pretty much the social center of the base - in the evenings you can find salsa dancing lessons and karaoke, and at any time during the day there will be people sitting at tables smoking and talking, guys in PT playing football or hockey. The other day we walked by a rousing hockey match between Slovakia and Canada. I actually really love the Boardwalk. It makes me happy to see people smiling, relaxing, socializing and having fun in the middle of such a desolate place.

Over the last 6 weeks, I've had more interaction with the military than I ever thought I would (and this is still all pre-KAF!) through meetings, briefings, presentations, trainings, and friendships. At first it kind of felt like an anthropological undertaking, then I was surprised by how much I didn't hate it. Now, as I take time to reflect a little more seriously about what it is I've liked and appreciated about the military interactions I've had, it almost surprises me that I was surprised I didn't hate it. These are just first, nascent impressions - and I understand that my interactions thus far are not necessarily representative of what it will be like living with thousands of 20-year-old enlisted guys. But I realized there is actually quite a lot about the military that fits well with my natural personality and preferences. I'm sure by the end of the year I'll be able to make an equally long list of things about military culture that decidedly do NOT fit with my personality, but for the sake of maintaining a positive outlook, at least at the beginning :)...

Things I Like about the Military that Surprised Me, but Shouldn't Have:

Someone in one of my trainings said that working with other agencies will be like learning new cultures, and she encouraged us to approach these cultures with open minds. This has been a great perspective for me to have and I find learning military culture to be fascinating! The symbols, patches, rules, etiquette, acronyms, hierarchy - it's a whole new world, but for some reason, I just love soaking all this stuff up! Soldiers are on time. They arrive on time, start on time, and finish on time. My Meyers-Briggs INTJ LOVES this. I HATE it when people are not on time, or think they are so important that they can give a 45-minute presentation when they were only given 30 minutes to talk. Who do you think you are? After 32 minutes, I will completely shut you out and start getting angry at you for disrespecting me and my time (a big reason sermons drive me batty!). I always loved seeing a uniform at my trainings because I knew s/he was going to end on time! Military people know how to give effective, organized presentations. Every military PowerPoint I've seen starts with a slide listing the agenda. THANK YOU! Not only do you actually KNOW what you're going to say, but you're telling me! I hate presenters who ramble on and don't give me an indication of where they're going or when they're going to finish. Give me a bullet-point list, please!Officers - at least - think strategically. Today I sat down with a Lieutenant Colonel who talked to me for an hour about the military strategy in Afghanistan - what we've done, what we're doing now, what we plan to do in the future, why we're doing it that way, what we expect to happen. Regardless of what I may think about the strategy itself, I was quite impressed by the strategic planning and thinking that went into it! Most of the military guys I've met (aside from the occasional Captain America wannabe) have no-bullshit attitudes. They aren't about sugar-coating things, or putting something in flowery language, or saying something in 5 sentences when you could say it in one. Diplomats and development wonks can talk in circles about things for ages, but I appreciate military-style brevity and straightforwardness in communication.Soldiers will go places no one else is willing to go. In short, they're just plain badass. The fact that this is appealing to me causes a bit of cognitive dissonance considering peacebuilders probably aren't supposed to think the guys with the guns are cool. But, at the risk of deeply offending all the military people I know by comparing them to Peace Corps volunteers, I'm going to do it. PCVs may be granola-eating hippies, but they are willing to go to a lot of places no one else is willing to go, and live under conditions (rural villages, sparse electricity, no running water, no internet) most people wouldn't come close to with a 10,000-foot pole. In the same way, and even more hard core, soldiers willingly go to acutely dangerous places and don't complain. This in itself is commendable.Who knew? Here's to continuing to be open to unlikely partners!

Five and a half years ago, I left home (California) for Kyrgyzstan on my 25th birthday. On that day I did, no doubt, embark on what proved to be a grand life-changing adventure (about which you can read if you explore this blog’s archives from September 2005 - November 2007 :)). However, it’s been interesting for me to contrast how I felt leaving home on that day in September with how I felt this time around – leaving my DC home for Afghanistan.

The day I left for Kyrgyzstan I was an emotional basket case. I bawled saying goodbye to my friends and family at the airport, I bawled sitting by myself at the gate waiting to board the plane, I bawled all the way from Fresno to San Francisco reading the book of letters friends and family had written me. It felt like what I was doing was so huge, and two years seemed like such a long, incomprehensible time period. I mourned moving so far away from the people I loved most, who knew me best. I was excited, but also anxious – feeling like I was getting ready to jump off a cliff and I didn’t know what would happen once I leapt from the precipice. I knew I was definitely going to jump, but wondered what exactly I had gotten myself into, and whether or not I was really glad I had gotten myself into it!

Three days ago I left for what will no doubt be another life-changing adventure in Afghanistan, but I felt completely different. There were no tears when I boarded the plane, there was no fear or anxiety – I felt completely (and perhaps strangely!) calm and ready, as if I was doing what anyone might do on a typical May 9th. After an overnight layover in Dubai, I took some time on the flight to Kabul to read the notes and letters people have written me over the last few months – and instead of making me cry, they made me smile and feel encouraged and empowered for the journey ahead. Rather than feeling like I am jumping off a cliff into the unknown, I feel like my feet are taking steps they were always meant to take. The way forward is still largely unknown and I expect to encounter new and bigger challenges, yet I feel at peace.

So I’ve wondered: What’s the difference? Well, five years, for starters. It wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong or feeling anything inappropriate when I left for Kyrgyzstan. It was a big deal. But I was younger and in a different place. Though I’d left home at different points before then, I’d always come back – Fresno was still home, so leaving was harder than it is now after having made another home for myself in DC. Though I’d traveled overseas before, it was never for more than 3 months at a time. Though I’d had some practice coming and going, I was generally used to being literally close to my closest friends and family. This time around, I have more practice and confidence in both my and my friends’ abilities to maintain those relationships across large distances. At 30, one or two years just doesn’t seem like that long anymore. I know what it’s like to live overseas, so it’s not so much of a mystery. This move to Afghanistan is just as momentous for me – if not more so – but it’s been encouraging to look back and see that I’m not the same person I was when I was 25. I have five more years of preparation and more tools to make this adventure a success – with less fear, and more peace.

Five and a half years ago, I left home (California) for Kyrgyzstan on my 25th birthday. On that day I did, no doubt, embark on what proved to be a grand life-changing adventure (about which you can read if you explore this blog’s archives from September 2005 - November 2007 :)). However, it’s been interesting for me to contrast how I felt leaving home on that day in September with how I felt this time around – leaving my DC home for Afghanistan.

The day I left for Kyrgyzstan I was an emotional basket case. I bawled saying goodbye to my friends and family at the airport, I bawled sitting by myself at the gate waiting to board the plane, I bawled all the way from Fresno to San Francisco reading the book of letters friends and family had written me. It felt like what I was doing was so huge, and two years seemed like such a long, incomprehensible time period. I mourned moving so far away from the people I loved most, who knew me best. I was excited, but also anxious – feeling like I was getting ready to jump off a cliff and I didn’t know what would happen once I leapt from the precipice. I knew I was definitely going to jump, but wondered what exactly I had gotten myself into, and whether or not I was really glad I had gotten myself into it!

Three days ago I left for what will no doubt be another life-changing adventure in Afghanistan, but I felt completely different. There were no tears when I boarded the plane, there was no fear or anxiety – I felt completely (and perhaps strangely!) calm and ready, as if I was doing what anyone might do on a typical May 9th. After an overnight layover in Dubai, I took some time on the flight to Kabul to read the notes and letters people have written me over the last few months – and instead of making me cry, they made me smile and feel encouraged and empowered for the journey ahead. Rather than feeling like I am jumping off a cliff into the unknown, I feel like my feet are taking steps they were always meant to take. The way forward is still largely unknown and I expect to encounter new and bigger challenges, yet I feel at peace.

So I’ve wondered: What’s the difference? Well, five years, for starters. It wasn’t like I was doing anything wrong or feeling anything inappropriate when I left for Kyrgyzstan. It was a big deal. But I was younger and in a different place. Though I’d left home at different points before then, I’d always come back – Fresno was still home, so leaving was harder than it is now after having made another home for myself in DC. Though I’d traveled overseas before, it was never for more than 3 months at a time. Though I’d had some practice coming and going, I was generally used to being literally close to my closest friends and family. This time around, I have more practice and confidence in both my and my friends’ abilities to maintain those relationships across large distances. At 30, one or two years just doesn’t seem like that long anymore. I know what it’s like to live overseas, so it’s not so much of a mystery. This move to Afghanistan is just as momentous for me – if not more so – but it’s been encouraging to look back and see that I’m not the same person I was when I was 25. I have five more years of preparation and more tools to make this adventure a success – with less fear, and more peace.

I loved grad school and can't imagine going into my field without the knowledge I gained about things like conflict theory, dynamics, escalation and analysis, peace processes, cultural considerations in conflict resolution, and peacebuilding interventions like mediation, negotiation, dialogue, and problem-solving workshops. The flip side of that is the training I'm finishing now in skills necessary for living in combat zones like working with military counterparts, wearing body armor, convoy protocol, emergency medical response, small arms familiarization, and tactical driving. But in between the MA and the job was this strange and beautiful "holding period" called job searching. In the 9 months from March to December 2010, I applied for 108 jobs before getting an offer from OTI. 108! However frustrated and discouraged I felt at times, this season was a precious one and I will always look back on it with gratitude because I learned some invaluable lessons that I didn't get in grad school or in my job training. Those 9 months, though difficult, were not just about waiting idly for the right opportunity to come along, but were necessary preparation for the next adventure. Thus, things I learned job searching that should come in handy in Afghanistan:

Fight

You don't get your dream job by sitting around in your pajamas waiting for someone to offer it to you on a silver platter (although that would have been nice for my ego). I'm good at being flexible, accommodating, and enduring hardship. I can take what life throws at me and adjust. While acceptance and capitulation work in some situations, I learned that sometimes I need to stand down and fight! Not just let life happen to me, but fight the bad and fight FOR the good. It was impossible to job search from a position of passivity and anonymity. I had to be out there, taking initiative and risks, owning responsibility, and making a way for myself. The shadows are safe, but I am well-positioned for nothing there. Likewise (and perhaps paradoxically), I have to fight for peace - it doesn't just happen on its own. I have to work hard and take initiative to MAKE peace, over and over and over and over again - without giving up or capitulating to the forces that seek to steal it. Peacebuilding is a battle!

Access the Good

I realized my natural tendency is to default to self-pity in difficult circumstances. But in the season of job searching, I was challenged to walk through the valley not with head hung low, but with eyes open to the good that was accessible. Instead of retreating to the familiar "woe is me" stance when faced with desolate-feeling situations like constant rejection and running out of money, I learned instead to choose to ask the questions: What can I learn right now that I couldn't learn under other circumstances? What is the opportunity? Where is the good here? How am I to respond in the midst of this? As I enter into countries affected by warfare - some of the most desolate and hopeless in the world - how important it will be for me to see opportunity and access the good even when it seems like things can't get any worse. There is always a way to turn the valley into a place of springs, but you have to look for it.

Hope

I was full of hope about my next step when I finished grad school, which came under serious fire as my number of applications mounted (50, 60, 80, 100!) over several months with little to no evidence that I was making any progress at all. Here there was a challenge - would I believe solely in the reality I could see on the surface, or would I choose to believe there was more going on behind the scenes than I could see with my eyes? I had to choose daily not to lose heart and not to throw away my confidence, but believe that it would be rewarded - holding on to hope beyond what seemed rational at times. I think this type of hope and perseverance are essential to the work of building peace. Often when all seems lost is when we are closest to breakthrough - what a shame it would be to give up right before you got there!

Patience & Timing

Even though I was looking for a job during this whole season, I realized that life is not primarily about striving for outcomes, but faithfulness on the journey - transformation, not destination. When I fix my eyes on an outcome, no matter how noble, it's too easy to lose sight of the good around me in the present, to lose hope in the face of obstacles, and to try to rush the process - when often the process is more valuable than the outcome. Seasons have their own rhythms, and there is nothing I can do to slow or rush them - the best thing I can do is simply engage that pace and enjoy it, taking advantage of the present and the unique opportunities it offers to grow and learn. Likewise, peace is a process, not a destination. Timing is important when it comes to peacebuilding interventions - better to look for opportunities to engage with change agents and movements going on in the present moment (however small) than try to force an outcome that may actually be a year (or 5 or 20) down the road.

9 months of job searching was no party, but what had the potential to look like a desolate valley actually turned out to be a place of springs that prepared me for the next part of the journey. And did I mention that at the end of it all, I got my dream job? Yeah, I'd call that a win.

I'm pretty used to being in the majority. I grew up going to church in the conservative Central Valley of California, where (despite California stereotypes) most people are church-goers. I was a middle-class white high school student in north Clovis, where the student body is - you guessed it - largely white and middle-class. I celebrated the election and inauguration of Barack Obama while living in Washington, DC, which voted for Obama at something like 92%. Even when I've been a minority in terms of power (as a woman), I've still tended to be in the majority in terms of numbers. My grad school program in International Peace & Conflict Resolution was something like 80% female - in my first semester my two IPCR classes had a combined total of three men.

All that is about to change because: I'm moving to Afghanistan! There, it's no exaggeration to say I'll be something like one in a thousand. My future home, Kandahar Air Field (KAF), is home to about 35,000 people - a military base, but a veritable city. All the numbers I've come across say that somewhere around 34,965 of those people are Air Force and Army. Yup, I'll be one of just 35 civilians living and working among a sea of airmen, privates, sergeants, lieutenants, captains, colonels, and maybe even generals. One in a thousand! An Army friend estimated that about 20% of these are likely to be women - pretty much the inverse of my grad school experience.

For those who know me, this is pretty freaking hilarious. Lisa, the Mennonite Brethren FPU graduate, Returned Peace Corps Volunteer, former intern at the Woodrow Wilson Center Conflict Prevention Project, the World Vision Peacebuilding Team and the Alliance for Peacebuilding, MA in International Peace & Conflict Resolution, for crying out loud! - bumming around with 35,000 military in a war zone?? At the same time as I shake my head at the irony, I think: It's really not that hilarious at all. Afghanistan - KAF - is exactly where I want to be. After all, if I can't be a peacebuilder in a war zone, what's the point of being a peacebuilder? Isn't that pretty much where we want the peacebuilding to be happening?

I have a lot to learn, and I'm ready to start learning it. Soon the next great adventure begins: Life as one in a thousand, and one in the land of a thousand splendid suns. I hope you enjoy the journey with me as I navigate the new waters of life in the minority - in more ways than one!

Oh Kyrgyzstan, this is my prayer for you today...

Give the leaders of the nations your justice, O God.

May they lead the people with truth and the poor with compassion.

May they defend the needy and stop the oppressor.

May they be wise as long as the sun and the moon shine.

May they be like rain that falls on dry ground,

like showers that water the earth.

In their day may right relationships thrive and peace prosper.

May they have power from sea to sea

and from the river to the ends of the earth.

May they pity the weak and save the sick,

for precious is the blood of the poor.

May prayers be said for them continually

and blessings offered all day long.

May there be plenty of grain in the land.

May it wave on the tops of the mountains

and bring health to every family.

May people blossom in the cities

and children grow like flowers of the field.

May their name and their fame last for ever.

May every nation of the world be blessed in them

and may they know happiness in their own lives.

Blessed be you, O God of all creation.

May your glory fill the earth.

Last year about this time, I wrote a blog post entitled Trust. I wrote about how I was in a unique position of being forced to make decisions without having "enough" information about what the future would hold. I wrote about how in that time, God was calling me to trust him, to seek him for answers, to listen to him, and to step out in faith in the direction he led me. This year, once again, I find myself in almost the exact same position. Transition is once again staring me in the face and decisions have to be made. Do I sub-let my room in my house while I'm in Morocco, or move out entirely (not knowing if I will have a job to come back to in July)? Do I buy a ticket back to DC at the end of my vacation, or leave it open because I don't know if or where I'll get a job? Do I accept a job offer because it provides security or wait for the dream position? The questions go on and on. And it's difficult to make decisions about housing and travel when you have no idea where or if you will be working in 3 months!

So yes, I'm back in that place of making decisions without the information I "need." But you know what? That worked out so perfectly last time I had to do it (see An Anchor for my Soul and It Doesn't Always Have to be Hard) that this time I'm not really worried at all, I am mostly just excited! So yes, I am seeking God for answers for the decisions that have to be made and enjoying trusting him and looking forward to seeing what my life looks like in July! He has been so good and so faithful at every turn, I find myself in a place of having even less reason to doubt that he will be good and faithful again than I did a year ago.

But this time around, I have sensed God leading me beyond just seeking him for specific answers to my specific dilemmas. Last week I read this in my devotional, based on Ecclesiastes 14-15:

Happy are you who meditate on wisdom,who reflect in your heart on her waysand ponder her secrets,who listen for her on life's pathwaysand look for her at every turn.She will come to meet you like a motherand like a young lover she will welcome you.

As I read this, I was reminded of my great need for wisdom, and challenged in this season of unknowns by God's call not just to seek him for specific answers, but to be a person who meditates and reflects on wisdom. Not to worry about or focus on isolated decisions, but to ponder wisdom's secrets, to listen and look for her at every junction. This season is not just an opportunity to trust and seek God, but to seek and learn wisdom. And the promise is that she will meet and welcome me enthusiastically! Not grudgingly, as if she wish she hadn't been found.

In light of this, God has led me to read and meditate on Proverbs through the end of the semester. I'm enjoying the process, and keeping my eyes and ears open for wisdom's insights. 

May God grant us all wisdom for life, even in the midst of the crisis moments when what we think we need most are answers.

It's been a very long time since I've really blogged. In some ways, that means there are a million things I could write about/should have written about. Which perhaps is what has kept me from writing. Once I started missing important things, what random thing could possibly warrant a post? I'm not sure what I'm about to write is any more important than describing my awesome roommate Arnila, the people in the small group/Bible study I started meeting with last semester, my epic Christmas vacation, or any of the other "profound" thoughts I've been thinking over the last several months. But unless I intend to let the blog die, I have to start again somewhere, and I want to share this story.

I was talking to my mom the other day and she was telling me her own story, of how God recently told her, "It doesn't always have to be hard." Now, we all know life isn't always easy. And difficulty is not any sign at all of a lack of God's blessing. In fact, God reveals himself and his glory and his grace through difficulty in amazing ways. But sometimes, when life just seems like it's always hard, we can forget that God's heart is not that we would have difficulty in every step. It's a tenuous balance to hold: turning blessings back to praise AND blessing God in the midst of the darkness (as a very popular Matt Redman song suggests). But what I know is that God is good, and because he is good, sometimes he makes things incredibly easy for us. He raises up the valleys, makes low the mountains, and levels the rough ground (Isaiah 40:4). And for doing this, he deserves to be praised!

This was not the story of my two years in Kyrgyzstan. Ha! But in so many ways, this is the story of my past two years in grad school. That whole story, however, would take a long time to tell. So here is just a snippet:

Tomorrow, I am leaving for two weeks in India, where I'll be helping with and assisting a World Vision conflict analysis workshop as part of my masters thesis research. In the planning of this trip, one thing after another has come together without a hitch. To partially finance the trip, I applied for a research grant through my university last October, and was awarded the maximum amount of $1000. My plane ticket totaled $1040.64. I intended to pay for the remainder of the trip (hotel, meals, in-country travel, and incidentals estimated at about $2000) with school loans, which I thought was a more than worthy use. I was shocked to find out in early January that World Vision would be covering those costs entirely, making this trip across the world almost free. Additionally, World Vision has made all my in-country travel and accommodations arrangements, including having a car from the hotel pick me up at the airport; you know, someone standing there with my name on a card waiting for me :-).

I was expected to cover a few things for myself, which of course I was more than willing to do. One, was international health insurance. Little did I know that when I purchased Orbitz's travel insurance (included in the price of my ticket), this also covered emergency medical expenses, coverage that met World Vision's requirements. International health insurance: check.

I was also required to pay for my visa, which I did actually have to pay for :-), but the application and the documents went through with zero problems in a matter of days. Visa: check.

The final requirement was to update my immunizations and get an antimalarial medication. I visited the doctor at the campus health center, who gave me a typhoid booster and a prescription for an antimalarial. She didn't think my insurance would cover the prescription, but I figured since I was paying so little for the trip, I could afford to pay for it myself. 

Today I went to the CVS near my house to get the medication, and just out of curiosity, I had them check my insurance to see if it would be covered. To my surprise, it was! Which brought the grand total for the prescription to a $5.90 co-pay. 

Just the other day I realized I would need an electrical adaptor for my computer and other electronics. It was kind of a bummer I hadn't thought of it earlier, since I didn't think most stores would have what I needed, and I didn't have time to order online or run around to a lot of different places. I thought maybe I'd go out to Target later today (about an hour round trip on public transportation), but then as I was walking to CVS, I remembered the hardware store right across the street. Since I had to wait an hour for my prescription, I decided to go in and see if they sold adapters. I walked in the door and asked the woman standing there. She told me they did sell them, and pointed me to a  nearby wall. The first one I saw was the one I needed, clearly labeled "For India." I was in and out of the hardware store with what I needed in less than 2 minutes.

Back at CVS, when I paid for my prescription, I was able to use a coupon I had received last time I made a purchase (I know CVS has invaded the West Coast, and I am definitely not its biggest fan, but they do often have good coupons!). Sometimes the coupons are kind of random and not useful, as this one would have been on most occasions: $25 Gift Card with Purchase of New or Transferred Prescription. Honestly, I think this is the first time I've ever had a prescription for anything besides eyeglasses, and I just happened to have this coupon? I got the gift card, which essentially brought my antimalarial medication to the price of -$20. I actually made money on it!

I used the gift card to buy some other little things I need for my trip, and I also happened to have a CVS coupon for $5 off a $25 or more purchase, bringing my total savings today to $30. When I left my house, it had been sunny, but by the time I left CVS, the clouds had rolled in again and it was sprinkling. That's when I remembered the "Free Medium Hot Chocolate" coupons I had for McDonald's that expire on February 11. So I went to the McDonald's that is about 100 yards from my house and got my free hot chocolate (delicious!). While I was there, I asked God to show me what to do with the other coupon, since I wouldn't be able to use it before I left (and before it expired). On my 2-minute walk home, a homeless man approached me and asked if I could give him any money. I told him I am a student living off loans, but that I had a coupon for a free hot chocolate if he wanted it. I know it isn't everything he needs, but maybe it will at least keep him warm for a while.

I know these are little things, but the point is, they are exactly the little things I needed, at exactly the right times. And they show me that God is thinking about me, and he is making my way for me. You might say these are just coincidences, or that I just got lucky, or that God has bigger things to worry about than $25 CVS gift cards and free hot chocolate. I'm not going to argue with you on these points. I just wanted to share my story, and that I am turning these blessings back to praise to God, and thanking him that sometimes, things really are easy, just because he loves me.

We stumble on the journey, O God.We lose heart along the way.We forget your promises and blame one another.Refresh us with the springs of your spirit in our soulsand open our senses to your guiding presencethat we may be part of the world's healing this day,that we may be part of the world's healing.

God could have set up the world in any number of ways, but it occurred to me recently how thankful I am that he built cycles into its design. Days & months & seasons & years. These built-in cycles carry with them the message that there are so many chances to start new and fresh--a beautiful picture of the heart of God. Things don't just go on & on forever & ever endlessly, but they start over all the time. The slate gets wiped clean and we have chances to do things differently. Thank God for fresh starts every morning.

"We look older than we did a year ago.""You're right, we do."

I love getting older with Gloria. It's now been almost 7 years since we met in 'The Cave' at ASP. Since then, our friendship has deepened over The Great North American Road Trip, several visits to Port Orchard, WA, a few visits to Fresno, a globe trotting adventure to Kyrgyzstan, countless hours of phone conversations, a visit to DC last year for my birthday, and on October 15, another visit to DC for HER birthday. It's the first time I've been able to be with Gloria on her birthday, and if it's possible, I think I love her more now than I did 2 weeks ago. Hers is a friendship I treasure more and more with time, as we grow and change and share together this journey of life. She is woven intricately into my story.

This last trip was such a sweet one. As DC succumbed to an unseasonably cold and rainy weekend, we spent countless hours curled up on the couch talking under blankets and over hot cocoa, catching each other up on life, reading journal entries, sharing our hearts. These are precious moments. 

As part of Gloria's birthday present, I spent some time stalking her friends on Facebook, asking them to write messages for her. As messages rolled in from all over the world (enough, in fact, to give her one every 10 minutes for 12 hours!), it turned out that I was perhaps just as blessed by these messages as Gloria was. I was reminded just how amazing my friend is, and how rich I am because I know her. Here is part of my own message to Gloria:

As messages came into my inbox As messages came into my inbox one by one, I found myself doing what I’ve been trained to do as a grad student: noticing themes and patterns (I briefly considered developing a coding system for all the great things people have said about you and doing some statistical analysis to back up my qualitative impressions, but I thought that was a bit over the top :-)). So Gloria, this is what people say about you: You are a beautiful woman who loves and trusts God with her whole heart, who is passionate about and dedicated to following Him. You are an inspiration to everyone you meet. Your love and care for people, and the way you always put them before yourself is far beyond most people’s capacity. You are constantly pouring into others, and so many people have been changed because of your investment. You care for the lonely and accept others without judgment. You have an impact on everyone you touch. You are kind, positive, generous and encouraging, always seeing and bringing out the best in people and inspiring them to grow and be better. You are intelligent, practical, ambitious, and a leader. And one of the things we all love most about you—you are FUN loving and ADVENTUROUS! Gloria, there is quite simply no one in the world like you! My dear friend, this is what people say about you, but it is what I say about you, too. THANK YOU for always listening to me and for walking with me through life without judgment. THANK YOU for being the first person I turn to when I want to process through an issue and get advice. THANK YOU for knowing me—the big things and the little things that make me feel loved. THANK YOU for being someone who always pushes me to seek and run after God with my whole heart. Gloria, this is one of the things I admire most about you—the way you seek after God and embrace life with your whole heart. You always dive in fully to whatever is going on around you, whether that is people, events, or life lessons. Every time I talk to you, you have something to share about how God is working. God is always at work around us, and you are someone who is incredibly adept at seeing that work and joining in, wherever you are. That, my friend, is LIVING. I know sometimes you feel like you’re waiting for God’s ultimate plan to unfold for your life, but you are LIVING it right here and right now! You know how to LIVE under any circumstances, in any location. I believe that is really what life is about, and you, more than anyone else I know, have learned this, and continue to teach me to embrace every moment and learn every lesson and pay attention to every person, for God is continually at work and we have the privilege of joining in to further his Kingdom no matter where we are or what we’re doing. I LOVE YOU. I could not ask for a better friend in the entire world. I hope 28 is the best year yet! To loving, and hoping, and, growing into women who display God’s beauty, and many more precious moments.For those of you who don't know Gloria, I hope you get to meet her someday. I assure you, you will be richer for it!This post actually has a dual purpose. I wanted to share about my time with Gloria and how grateful I am to have her in my life. But I also wanted to share a more specific story (which Gloria has given me permission to share) that impacted me and I think will impact you, too. On our last morning together, we were sitting on the porch drinking tea, and talking about the future. Gloria is in the midst of trying to discern what is next for her, as the current season draws to a close. She told me that when people ask her what the future looks like, she'll usually say something about international relations or serving abroad, and recently God spoke to her and said, "Gloria, either you need to do something to move yourself in that direction, or you need to change your story." And so together with God, she came up with 30 questions to think through in an ongoing conversation with Him, in order to gain perspective on what might be next. She was very clear in her understanding that these are not questions to try to figure out on her own, but to intentionally seek God about. She sent me the questions the other day, and I think they are so excellent, I wanted to share them with you all. Whether you are in a season of transition or not, I think we would all do well to think through some of these issues:Ask God…How have you made me?

What have you gifted me in?

What are my skills? What have you given me the opportunity to learn?

What things evoke deep emotion within me? What are the times that I know I have felt your heart?

What opportunities have you led me in over the past 15 years?

What experiences/talents have you given me that would be of blessing or necessity/service to others?

What did you have in mind when you formed my body and breathed life into me?

What about my family did you desire to help shape who I am – how was my family part of your plan for my life?

Because of human brokenness what about my family experience do you want to redeem and lead me down a different path?

Are there negative thought, relational and career habits that you want to break in me?

What fears are keeping me from my destiny?

When my life is over what talents will I give an account of my stewardship of?

If I was an enemy spirit assigned to derail my life and bring destruction to the plans of God for me what would be my strategy?

What are the lies that I have given access and influence in my life?

Who have you put in my life that inspires me by their character and life journey?

What is your definition of success?

What are the cultural standards that I feel pressure from? What is your truth?

What resources have you brought across my path to help me grow?

If I could devote my life to a focus or direction – what would be big enough to be dependent on you for but focused enough to move forward in?

As I live in community – what do I observe about myself? – my personality which can only be seen in relationship.

What will I be disappointed about if I don’t accomplish or experience before you call me home or my health cripples my life?

Who are the people that are part of my inner circle of influence? Would you want to make any changes to this group?

What would you like for me to complete to bring closure to my current season?

What are the practical steps of action – the baby steps you have given to move me into the next season?

How do finances factor into the equation?  How do you want me to balance wisdom and preparation and faith and dependency upon you?

What books would be strategic to truly study and incorporate into my life? The ideas and issues you desire for me to be solid and articulate in.

How would you lead me in increasing /strengthening spiritual disciplines to enable my life to withstand the pressure and responsibilities coming in the future? – to prevent burn out and stress fractures that could destroy my life and influence and witness for you.

Who do you want me to encourage in their own journey of calling?

How does my identity as a woman enable me to better complete what you have prepared for me?

What areas of beauty, joy, art, freedom, creativity, spontaneity, peace and grace do you want to grow within me and release out of me? 

I know this has been a long post, but I think those questions are full of wisdom and thought they needed to be shared with the world (or at least, the readers of my blog). Take one or two and chew on them. I think we'll all be better off if we are as intentional about personal growth and transformation as Gloria is.

Learning to hope. Learning to hurt.

Many of you know that I am on a mission this year: to learn to love. I want to be someone who loves others deeply and robustly. Needless to say, I have a ways to go in overcoming self-centeredness, but I have enrolled myself in the course and am learning from my Teacher. My first lesson in love: Learning to hope.

We all do things to protect ourselves from heartache and I think in many ways this is an important and healthy skill to learn. Proverbs tells us we need to guard our hearts because they are the wellspring of life. But I think I have gotten a little too good at this. I hate disappointment, HATE it. And I have learned that one pretty good way to avoid disappointment is not to get my hopes up. If I don't expect much, it's easier to avoid hurt.

This is one way to live, and not the worst way. But God is showing me that this is not the way of love. Love, after all, always hopes. The deepest love is susceptible to the deepest pain. God, who loves the most, in fact IS love, experiences the most pain as he watches those he loves make choices that hurt him, themselves, and others.

Working with high school students, I've seen some thrive, and some struggle, and some make bad choices and fall. I've ached as I've seen students I love walk down a path I wish I could protect them from. And I think somewhere along the way, I started hoping less for them, because then I wouldn't be so disappointed, I wouldn't hurt so much when they fell. If they did well, I could rejoice! But by not letting myself hope, I protected myself from the heartache. 

But now I'm making a choice to hope and pray the best for people. I'm going to let my heart hope, proceed with less caution, and let myself really feel the pain when life continues to be filled with brokenness. I would rather hope deeply and hurt deeply than continue to build walls around my heart that keep me from loving deeply. 

Keep watching until the end and you might see someone you know!

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcwashington.com/video.

Last year one of my friends told me it's 'pathetic' to throw a birthday party for yourself. This was news to me! Anyone who knows me well (or, let's face it, at all) knows that (1) I am a BIG fan of birthdays, and (2) I love throwing parties for myself. Going away parties, welcome home parties, graduation parties--any excuse for a party--but especially BIRTHDAY PARTIES!! :-)

When I turned 20, I fell prey to this ridiculous idea about throwing parties for yourself being pathetic. I decided I was a little old to be having birthday parties, so I didn't have one. And, well, it was one of my most unspectacular birthdays ever. After that I decided that birthdays are about ME and if I want to throw myself a party, I'll throw myself a party! So with my 29th birthday coming up in 2 days, I thought this would be a good chance to remember some quite excellent--if I do say so myself--birthday parties. If only I had digital pics from all of them!

21: Progressive, Mexican-themed, Fake Alcohol, Dance PartyI will admit I had some help with this one. My mom and Vickie helped me plan a party that involved sombreros, virgin margaritas, sparkling cider, root beer (it was definitely not your typical 21st birthday party), driving across town for different meal courses, and (since this was in my hip hop dancing phase, inspired by the movie Save the Last Dance) ending with my friend Alisa teaching us all a choreographed hip hop dance at Sunnyside Park. To those of you who were there and are still my friends, thank you! ;-)

22: Applebee's and Games at Jesse's House; QuincinetaI think this was the year for games at Jesse's house, so it's quite apropos. Again, I have to thank Liz Gonzales (now Garvin) for taking the lead on planning this one. Although it wasn't themed, I do remember me, Kristen, Liz, and Leslie all showing up in black shirts, completely unplanned. Then the next day, Jesse and I were in a Quincineta for our Campus Life girls. Definitely memorable!

**BEST PARTY TO DATE**23: World Conquest & RISK PartyThis one should really make the history books. What did Alexander the Great, Ghengis Khan, and Hitler all have in common? They all had a 23rd birthday, of course! Oh, and they all tried to conquer the world. This was the party I made each of my friends come dressed as a different world conquerer. The costumes were AMAZING! We had Augustus Caesar, Pinky (from Pinky and the Brain), Alexander the Great, Sauron (Lord of the Rings), Cleopatra, Ghengis Khan, Otto von Bismark, Satan, Jesus, Hitler, Stalin, Veruca Salt (Charlie & the Chocolate Factory), Darth Vader, and more! 

24: Night at the Oscars PartyAnother one where I made people come dressed up, but this time in formal attire. I decorated the house with stars (my favorite!) and we even played Celebrity Jeopardy (all about me, of course!)

25: Leaving on a Jet Plane...

On my actual 25th birthday, I was crying on an airplane, beginning my Peace Corps adventure. So my party that year was combined with my goodbye party, the first of many parties held at Kristen & Joel's house! Between the note-making table, the Italian soda bar, the skits people made up about me, and the video I made of me (as several different 'reporters') interviewing myself about the Peace Corps & Kyrgyzstan, it was definitely a bash. I was so blessed by everyone who came!

26: Kyrgyz-Style

Turning 26 in Kyrgyzstan meant I had to have a real 'toy' (Kyrgyz for party, or feast). So I pulled out all the stops, set my dostorkon (table), invited my guests, and celebrated Kyrgyz style (which basically means working and cooking all day long to prepare!). My host mom made my favorite--perojkies--and I made pizza and set the table with the traditional Kyrgyz party fare: borsook, bread, cheese and sausage, cookies, candy, cake, soda, tea, etc. It was exhausting, but fun!

27: Simplicity

27 was probably one of my most low-key birthdays of the 20s. My students brought me a cake and gifts, but mostly, I celebrated in peace. The highlight was the food. I had planned the menu ahead of time and indulged in the more expensive items I couldn't afford to have on a normal basis: Chicken, roasted vegetables, potato chips & onion dip, Coca-cola, and 'roulette'--a tasty cake treat kind of like something you'd find by Hostess :-). It was a sign of the times that these simple things delighted me so much.

27.5: The Half-Assed Half Birthday Party

Most people know that I am also kind of fanatical about celebrating fraction birthdays. It's not uncommon for me to announce, on December 13th, that it is my 1/6 birthday, or on July 13 that it is my 3/4 birthday. So HALF birthdays are actually a pretty big deal! But the idea behind this one is that I'd missed my last 3 birthdays in Fresno and my 28th would be in DC, so it was a way to celebrate my birthday one last time with my California friends. And it was, well, kind of half-assed :-) But it was still tons of fun, and I think the highlight (aside from dancing to the first half of several songs with Derek and Becky) had to be the half-cake Kristen and I auspiciously found at the grocery store! They were really selling, pre-packaged HALF of a cake! Awesome!

28: Gloria, New Friends & Ethiopian Birthday

My first birthday in DC was spectacular, most notably because Gloria came to visit! We had a blast staying up late (2am was the earliest we went to bed any night of her trip), doing the Adams-Morgan Night Crawl, and dancing. On my actual birthday, I invited everyone I knew in DC out for Ethiopian food and was blessed to actually have about 15 people show up, when I had only been in the city for about 3 weeks! 

AND FINALLY... DRUMROLL PLEASE...

29: The Roaring 20s Birthday SoireeThis could very well be my best theme party yet! In honor of the LAST birthday of my magnificent 20s (and my roommate Arnila's 26th birthday, which was on the 8th), we are having a 1920s Flapper party on the 18th, during which our house will be turned into a speakeasy of the good ol' Prohibition days! Everyone is coming dressed up in 1920s attire, and we're serving cocktails and appetizers (complete with 1920s novelties such as Baby Ruth candy bars, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and Hostess Cupcakes), and we'll be playing some great 20s music! I can't wait to kick of the 30th year of my life with a fantastic party that Arnila & I are THROWING FOR OURSELVES! :-)

As I see it, birthdays are NOT the time for humility. Celebrate yourself! I know I do :-)

The other day I was walking to the bus stop to go to work when I crossed paths with my bus--36 to Friendship Heights--at a red light. So I did what any car-less DC local would do: I ran. It was two blocks to my bus stop and there was a good chance I'd make it if the lights cooperated. And I did--just in time! I ran onto the bus, swiped my SmarTrip card and reveled in my victory as I caught my breath. 

Unfortunately, my victory was short-lived. My reading on mediation across cultures was rudely interrupted when, what I thought was about halfway through my commute, the bus driver announced that we had arrived at the last stop, Foggy Bottom. Whaaaat? I must have gotten on the wrong bus! I stumbled off, disoriented, not knowing exactly where I was or the best way to get to school from there, and scrambled to make it to work 10 minutes late (when I should have been 15 minutes early, had things gone as planned). My running had clearly NOT paid off.

This reminded me of the time Derek and I were trying to get to the National Harbor and we ran to catch our train, only to find out one stop later that we had gotten on the yellow line instead of the green line, and had to totally backtrack. 

All the rushing, in both these cases, actually only cost me more time in the end.

I'm not a person who likes to rush. I'm not good at jumping from one thing to the next without time to decompress and then mentally prepare. I'm not good at making quick decisions on limited information (clearly). After college, it took me two years before I set out for the Peace Corps. And after coming back from Kyrgyzstan, it was 9 months before my move to DC. I like to take my time, gather all the information, weigh decisions, and THEN move forward. Jumping quickly, well, that's just not the way I roll.

I admire people who can make fast decisions and move fast to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves. Of course leaps involve risks (like, for example, getting on the wrong bus or train), but I could be challenged to take a few more risks in certain areas. However, that being said, I do think there is great value in waiting, being still, and taking time to process before making big decisions. I recently read a blog post by my old youth pastor, Tim Clark, about declining opportunity for momentum in a culture that tells us: If you're not moving, you're dying. The story of Elijah tells us that God is not necessarily in the wind, the earthquake, or the fire--those big showy places we might expect him, those things that communicate loudly and powerfully. No, God is in the stillness. But if we are constantly jumping from one thing to the next, we will miss him.

For me, sometimes the challenge is the take the risk, make the jump, and not be afraid of being wrong. But I think there is also a severe problem if we are people who can't stand to be still. Because I really don't think God moves at the hyper-caffeinated American pace. I think most of the time, he's waiting for us to slow down. He wants to speak to us, but he can't do it if we're half a mile ahead of him, running after wind and earthquakes and fires.

All I know is, I'm not gonna be running after busses or trains anytime again soon.

Many of you have probably heard of the Stuff White People Like blog, which has cracked me up on many occasions. The other day, a friend tipped me off to the site, Stuff Christian Culture Likes, which has brought me much amusement as well. Check it out. Laugh. Cringe. Identify. 

It's not quite over yet, but in a couple weeks, I will turn 29 and enter the last year of my 20s. Wow! The 20s have been fantastic! So full of adventure, so rich in relationships, so many new, challenging, and rewarding experiences, so much stretching and growing. I love that no matter how much I plan, I never really know what the next year, week, or day will hold. As someone who also LOVES random lists, things I did for the first time in my life at the age of 28...Bought a bedPayed rentWent dancing at a gay clubGot pulled overGot a traffic ticketWent to traffic courtUsed a security badge to get into my office at workVisited FloridaPaid for glasses without vision insuranceWent on a blind dateDrank sangriaRented a carMet Real World cast membersWent to a Washington Nationals baseball gameThrew up in a taxi

Ate crocodile meatDrank Kyrgyz vodkaHad brunch at Cafe Lalo, the place Meg Ryan waits for Tom Hanks in "You've Got Mail"Did an Apple Pie shot on a rooftopPicked someone up at Baltimore/Washington AirportVisited Washington National HarborWent Contra-dancingBecame a blondeAttended a church service at the National CathedralVoted by absentee ballotAttended the Presidential Inauguration & ConcertHeard Barack Obama speak liveLost my cell phone on a roller coasterVisited the Santa Cruz Mystery SpotWent to a sing-a-long piano barFinished my first semester and year of graduate schoolTook out a renter's insurance policyHeard Brian McLaren speak liveBought a hair straightenerSaw a drag showBought something off CraigslistWrote a paper longer than 20 pagesWent to a Baltimore Symphony concertGot a non-California driver's licenseTrivial or not, it's amazing how much NEW can happen in a year! Here's to loads more new experiences to add to my "resume" in the year ahead--the last of a decade!

I am not married.

(Just in case that wasn't apparent.)

Not only am I not married, but I really am no closer to being married than I was when I was 15 and harbored (what I thought was) a secret crush on the lead trumpet player in band. Nor have I really been particularly closer at any point in the 13 year interim between then and now. Sometimes I am ok with this. Sometimes I am not. As I get older, the 'not ok' moments seem to increase in quantity and intensity. Sometimes I question myself and wonder: Am I doing something wrong? Am I not 'trying' hard enough? Sometimes I am impatient, frustrated, and angry with God for what seems like an inexplicable 'withholding' of something others seem to find quite easily. Sometimes I despair, and sometimes I trust. So I just try to trust Jesus even when I don't trust him.

I'll get back to this in a moment.

Today I reflect on three amazing things that have happened in the last week. Today marks my one year anniversary of moving to DC. I love it here. I can't fully express how much I love this city, how I have never been happier in any other place I have lived. I miss my friends and family back home, and love them deeply, but leaving them has never been easier in any of my other adventures. I love school and my program that is perfect for me. I have made good friends here. I love walking, and I love taking public transportation. I love the city at night and am filled with indescribable gratitude every time I am walking outside on a beautiful evening. I am healthier here--physically, mentally, spiritually, socially--than I have been in a long time. I could not have imagined feeling so at home in a place that is not (really) home. So today I reflect on God's goodness in bringing me to this place, in his time.

On Tuesday, Aizada arrived in America, and on Thursday, I drove up to Elizabethtown, Pennsylvania to surprise her with a visit after leaving her in the tiny village of Jon-Aryk, Talas, almost two years ago. After a long hug and several 'Kudai ai!"s (oh my god), the first thing she did was go into her new room and bring out the card I had made for her before I left, in which I had written the things Gloria & I had prayed for her. She brought it out and said, "Look, Miss Lisa!" pointing to the line that said, "Gloria and I have prayed that God will give you an opportunity to study in America." Did you just get chills? She also brought me a letter from my sweet sweet Ainura, another of my precious Kyrgyz girls, whom I love with a depth somehow different from the other girls. In the middle of the two page letter, she wrote, "Miss Lisa, maybe to this world you are only a person, but for me, you are like a world." Being with Aizada as her dream of coming to America--realized by no one else in her village--came true, and feeling Ainura's words pierce my heart caused me to reflect on God's sovereign goodness in taking me--just one person--to seven girls in a remote village in a remote region of a remote country and allowing me to bless and be blessed in a way that is having ripple effects I could not have planned, nor imagined.

On Thursday, before heading to Elizabethtown, I finished my summer internship with the Peacebuilding Team of World Vision International. Internships are basically accepted as a 'necessary evil' in this city, that hopefully will provide at least some useful learning experiences or some good networking contacts. They aren't really expected to be particularly enjoyable. I can safely say that I cannot fathom a way in which my internship could have been any better. First of all, it was full-time AND I got paid. That never happens. Secondly, I actually got to make a significant contribution to the team's work, and I loved my assignments. Thirdly, I loved the people I worked with. They were professional, smart, devoted to excellence, funny, balanced, and built confidence in me. I told my supervisor I would work with him anywhere, doing anything. Fourth, they loved me! They actually seemed sincerely and consistently impressed with my work. My supervisor told me more than once that he only wished they had a position to offer me. I told him it was ok, I don't need a job for another year ;-). Fifth, they treated me so well. The respect I was given as an intern was astounding. They treated me as a valuable team member. My last week, I was taken out to lunch, given flowers, and given an ice cream party in the office in my honor. I don't think these are normal parting gifts for interns. Sixth, my experience with the team has opened the door to keep working with the team this year, as I've decided to do my Masters Thesis on some of the team's work, and they have asked me to continue working with them as they prepare to present some of the work I did at the International Studies Association conference in February. In short, I could not have asked for a better, richer, more productive or beneficial internship experience, or even known that I could ask for something like this. So I reflect on God's goodness in bringing all these pieces together in a way I never could have imagined.

Wow. What can I be but in awe of how God has provided in ways I did not expect and opened doors I did not ask to be opened? This is what it means that the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want... I can trust God to take care of others, but mostly I trust myself to take care of me. Or I trust God to show me how to take care of me as I seek him and listen. Seeking and listening are good and important, but God is showing me that he is the shepherd of my soul and takes care of me on his own. He tends to me with more diligence than even I do. So I declare with the deepest sincerity:

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance (Psalm 16:5-6).

and

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless (Psalm 84:11).

I am not married. (See, I told you I would get back to this. You didn't believe me, did you?)  God has made me no promises, has not told me if or when I will get married. But reflecting on these three amazing things does more for me than just make me grateful for the good things God has done in my life. It gives me hope. Hope that as God has brought me to a city I love, sent me to an unknown country to love seven girls known and loved deeply by him, and provided an internship experience that was so much more than an internship--all beyond my wildest imaginations--he can bring a man into my life in a time and way and of a caliber of which I could not even think to ask. This hope has brought me a measure of peace:

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure (Hebrews 6:19).

God has made me no promises. But when I get impatient and frustrated and angry that I am still single, and I can feel my soul start to float up in my chest in a frantic flurry of worry and despair, I remember God's sovereign goodness, and this hope is an anchor, weighing my soul back down to a place of rest and peace. 

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen (Ephesians 3:20)

A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.-Jesus

Really? 

As much as I heard this verse growing up, the subliminal (or not so subliminal) message at church was not, They will know you by your love. No, the message went something like this:

They will know you by your theology.

They will know you by your views on abortion and homosexuality.

They will know you by the fact that you don't:

  Swear

  Drink

Dance

Have Sex

Ever Seem Sad

They will know you because you go to church on Sundays.

They will know you by your smile and generally upbeat demeanor.

They will know you because you evangelize.

Essentially, they will know you because you follow the rules. And I, my friends, am very good at following rules. Following rules is easy. Follow the rules and you're 'in'; don't follow and you're 'out'. That is easy! Black and white, just the way I like it. It is also a perfect breeding ground for judgment.

Not only am I an exceptional rule-follower but I am also an extraordinary judge. Growing up in church trained me to judge. For instance, for much of my life, I could tell you, with great accuracy, who is a Christian and who is not. Based on this information, I could then discern who is going to heaven and who to hell. And as if this is not enough, I could judge quite well between the 'good' Christians, and those who were, well, 'scraping by by the skin of their teeth.' Yes, I was the master at putting people into categories, all easily deduced by whether or not they follow the rules.

The 'judgmental Christian' is a cliche in American society, and I don't mean to imply that all Christians are judgmental or that judgment is the only thing I learned from church. I am grateful for many things about the church I grew up in, but that would be the topic of many more blog posts. What I am realizing lately is just how deeply and thoroughly judgment has permeated my concept of being a Christian. I have felt it is my duty to judge. And in recent years, I have begun to see how horrible and ugly judgment is, how it destroys people, how it encourages dishonesty and inauthenticity, how it excludes people and pushes them away from God. How many times I have hurt people, cut them to the quick, and made them not want to be around me because of my judgmental words and attitude. Jesus, on the other hand, was the example of embrace, not exclusion. So how in the world have we gotten to this place?

Jesus said the road is narrow that leads to salvation. I believe it is true. But I also believe that for much of my life, even though I walked a narrow road, it wasn't necessarily the narrow road Jesus was talking about. What if the narrow road defined by rule-following, which engenders judgment, is going in a totally different direction than the narrow road on which Jesus wants to lead us? Maybe, then, the only way to find Jesus' narrow road is to broaden the road we're on.

Letting go of so many of the lines I have drawn for myself has brought confusion as I try to sort through what it all means, what it means to follow Jesus without rules. But I think I need to stop asking, 'What is the rule?' and start asking 'What does it mean to show love?' I don't want to judge anymore. It's too hard, too tiring. I can't figure it out, and I can't fix it. I just want to love, and learn to love.

For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself."-Paul

Derek came to visit last weekend! Fun times were had by all; it was sad to see him go after just three short (albeit packed) days. Instead of a written account of our adventures, I thought you might like to see some videos! It's been a while since the video days... They may seem long (had to split it into two because YouTube only allows 10 minute videos), but just keep in mind that I shortened these from 50 minutes to 16! The highlights...

This last year when I was in school, I can't tell you how many times I turned down invitations to do things.  Often it was the nanny schedule, which usurped all my evenings, including Fridays. Just as often, if not more, it was the demands of schoolwork.  I don't have any regrets, but the simple fact is that 'No' was my answer to almost everything!

Well, now that it's summer, I get to say 'Yes'!  I'm still working full time, but evenings, weekends--it's all up for grabs!  And I have been taking advantage of it.  I get to be so much less discriminating about which activities I will choose to attend, since I have so much more time to do it all!  And I feel like I've done all sorts of random things in the last couple months: 

There was the Asian Street Festival, where I had a snow cone for the first time in years,Contra dancing, about which you have read,Cheese, appetizers & drinks sleepover at Jess & Joe's apartment in Vienna when Will was in town,A visit to NYC for the weekend to visit my friend Darcy, who is interning there for the summer, and I also got to see my Peace Corps friends Chris & Jesika, who live there,Last weekend my roommate had an extra ticket to a Baltimore Symphony performance of Final Fantasy music, so I went with her to that,And tonight I'm going with some friends from work to my first Washington Nationals baseball game (they are playing the Braves and I'm so torn about whom to root for!)

Not to mention the happy hours, meals with old friends swinging through town, birthday parties, and dancing.  I love that when I get invited to do things, I get to accept!  And I love being able to take advantage of all the fun stuff DC has to offer.  Here's to summer, free time, and saying Yes!

With Jess & Carli at the cheese & appetizer extravaganza

With Jesika & Chris in New York

With Darcy in Times Square

I recently heard someone say this about DC, and it made me question, where, exactly, does idealism come to live?  Does idealism live in the heart of Darfur?  In the IDP camps in Sri Lanka?  In the failed state of Somalia? Or does it live inside the walls of our churches, the halls of our Christian colleges, the yards enclosed by white picket fences of our suburbs?  If these are the only places idealism can survive, maybe idealism isn't much use to us after all.  Maybe, in fact, idealism needs to die.  

Is this completely cynical and jaded?  I hope not.  I don't feel particularly cynical nor jaded, and I'd hope that after just 28 years of life, I wouldn't be either of those two things.  Is it just realistic?  I don't like using that word, either.  (1) It carries connotations of a particular political philosophy to which I certainly don't subscribe, and (2) The word seems to be used whenever you want to imply that anything other than what YOU think (being realistic, of course) is not grounded in reality.  So no, I wouldn't say cynical, jaded, or realistic, but I don't know how I feel about idealism.

Processing out loud, I made the comment to a friend about idealism maybe needing to die, and he responded in shock that I, someone in the field of peacebuilding, could feel this way.  Why shouldn't I feel this way?  What is it about supporting peace that means I must be an idealist?  I am not in the field of conflict resolution because I hope for some naive, Miss America interview answer, utopian ideal of a perfect peaceful world.  I know this is not going to happen.  I'm in this field for the opposite reason: because I see mess and brokenness and war and suffering people all around and I think, we have got to do something about this.  To me, building peace isn't about idealism; building peace is hard work.  Plain and simple.

After a year of grad school, studying the contexts of places like Mindanao, Sierra Leone, Northern Uganda, Mozambique, Northern Ireland, Afghanistan, and Nepal, I think I may have become more of a pessimist about peace.  Conflicts are incredibly complex, and peace cannot be built in a day.  Some countries have been experiencing war for 30 years, and that kind of destruction, that kind of institutionalized animosity, cannot be reversed by one intervention at one point in time.  But am I deterred by this?  No.  In fact, the awareness of the great need motivates me to contribute my part.  To work hard.  To be faithful to do what I can to help.  I don't deceive myself to think my small contribution will fix everything, but I know that it is necessary.  

In some ways, I think idealism can also be dangerous.  When ideals are dashed, disillusionment can set in, and people might be tempted to give up entirely.  What is your response when faced with overwhelming brokenness?  Do you give up, or do you jump in and tackle the problem?  I may not be an idealist, but I am not without hope.  Hope that as I am faithful to what God has called me to, and as I trust Him with the results of my obedience, together we can make things at least a little bit better.  

My blog can be quite eclectic!  Sometimes you get well thought-out and organized papers I've written for school; other times, like tonight, you get a glimpse into the unformed, inarticulate thoughts of my journal.  As raw and nascent as it is, a little of what I'm thinking about these days...

Sometimes I am completely overwhelmed by the messiness of the world, and left clueless as to how to proceed and feel a bit defeated in terms of the task of redemption and transformation.  So much to unpack, so much mess rolled into one.  But I've remembered that my inability to know how to 'fix' a situation does not make it hopeless.  Thank God the future of the world does not lie in my ability to see a solution.  God has been dealing with mess and sickness and complete brokenness for millennia.  He is the King of this stuff.  He knows what He's doing.  So I trust Him.  He deals with mess with such patience, gentleness, compassion, and love.  I want to learn from Him in this way.

I realize how my mind can start whizzing, problem-solving, putting together solutions that will produce the result I think is best.  It is a temptation to then pray my agenda, because of course I see so perfectly how God might work, so God, don't You see it too?  Here is my wonderful plan for how You should work in this situation!  So I try to sell God on my plan, and I get attached to my agenda, and then disappointed when things don't work out the way I envisioned.  And I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with disappointment, but I do think there's something wrong with praying my own agenda.  That's why we die to our own imaginations, desires and burdens for what we feel we should pray.  So then we can engage with God's agenda, if He can be said to have one.  My agenda is limited and short-sighted.  God's agenda is infinitely more wise and loving and caring for the people involved than my own.  So I want to die to my agenda, and get involved with God's.

I also realized that I'm often tempted to tell people, "I trust you" and "I believe in you."  But I have to stop and step back and ask myself if I really do.  Those are nice things to say, but I realized that many times when I say them, what I really mean is, "I trust you... to do what I think you should do" or, "I believe in you... to do what I think is the right thing."  And that's dangerous because what happens when they don't do what you "trusted" them to do, but something else entirely?  That's not really believing in someone.  So I have to make sure that as I say I trust people, that I truly release to God my expectations, hopes, agenda for what they will do.  I don't want "I trust you" to send a message of implicit pressure to do or say any certain thing.  I don't want people to have to carry the burden of my expectations.

I've thought about my life and ways I've messed up and made choices that probably have not put me in the best position to speak into others' lives about certain things.  On one hand, constantly thinking that way could make you live your life with way too much caution.  But it made me realize that in all my choices, I want to be obedient to follow Jesus so that I am ready and positioned in the best possible way (a way only God can position me, in which I cannot strive to position myself) to speak into others' lives when God calls upon me to do so.  I want to be always ready, always prepared--a theme of Jesus' parables.  And the way to be ready and prepared is to be daily obedient and faithful.

This reinforces the principle that a large part of daily quiet times is that they are practice for times when "the shit hits the fan", so to speak.  It reminds me of the importance of daily faithfulness, practice listening, being transformed from glory to glory for the crises.  It totally connects to the idea of being prepared.  When life happens, you aren't scrambling to get your shit together and hear God; instead, you're already on His path, His wavelength.  You've been practicing and now it's game time, race time, whatever.

So when I pray, I strive to be cognizant of the fact that I need to keep praying and keep listening until God tells me I'm done for that time, and then that I need to give the burden back to God, knowing it's not mine to carry. I'm really glad God has the task of being in control, and not me.

Contra dancing?  I had no idea what it was 48 hours ago, either, when one of my roommates invited us to come with her on Friday night.  At first, I thought she said 'country dancing' and I thought, 'There is NO WAY I'm going country dancing with you.'  But we cleared up that misunderstanding, and we went and had a fabulous time!

So contra dancing is basically a cross between square dancing and Elizabethan Jane Austen dancing, which sounds a little strange, but what a fun new thing to try!  You stand with a partner in two lines and dance your way up or down with other pairs along the way.  Having never done it before, and missing the lesson beforehand, it was an adventure, but still a blast, or what some of the people there would probably call a 'hoot'.  There were hundreds of people in this huge ballroom at an old amusement park all dancing the night away.  I will definitely be doing it again.  Another random thing to add to my repertoire of possible Friday night activities :-)

After just one night, I am certainly not the expert, but nonetheless I have a couple tips to pass along to would-be contra dancers:Do not wear heels.  Heels are great for some types of dancing, but not for the contra.

Do not drink before you go.  With all the spinning and twirling, you really don't need any other buzz to contribute to the dizziness.

There is (probably) no need to be freaked out by the questionably sketchy middle-aged men asking you to dance.  Some of them are gay, and the rest are just there for the 'love of the dance'. Probably.

It's hard to believe that a month ago today I turned in all those papers and finished my semester!  I'm certainly a bit behind on my promised summer update.  So I'll break it down into three main sections...

INTERNSHIP In April I wrote a blog about trust, and how I was trusting God to make a way for me this summer, not knowing what it would hold in terms of an internship or a job.  Shortly after I decided to move out of my house and leave my nanny job, I was offered a full-time, paid internship at the Peacebuilding and Reconciliation department of World Vision International, an international relief and development organization.  Working 8-5 is an adjustment, but I love having my nights and weekends free.  Now two weeks into my work, I don't know if I could have found a better fit for my interests and skills.  I love my job!  First of all, it should not go unsaid that paid internships are nearly unheard of in this city.  It's such a blessing to be receiving a livable income along with my three units.  But I'm also so thankful that I'm doing an internship that allows me to make real contributions, not just serve coffee and make copies (note: I have yet to serve anyone coffee or make one photocopy).  The majority of my time is focused on supporting the Peacebuilding team's work facilitating conflict analysis workshops and updating an instability index that rates the relative instability of the 77 countries in which World Vision has offices.  The people I work with are top-notch and I'm enjoying learning from them as I experience how academic knowledge is translated into practice in a world riddled with complex problems.  

KATHY'S VISIT One of the things I love about living in DC is that people actually come to visit me!  I've been thrilled to host Gloria and Steve this year, and to see numerous others who have come through the city for various reasons: various Peace Corps K-13s and 14s, Sarah Hawkins (McCord), Aunt Robyn, and my cousin Katelyn (and there are probably some I'm forgetting; forgive me!).  And this last week, it was my pleasure to host my Aunt Kathy!  It was such a blast to have her here, and to be able to put her up in my own place!  The timing of her visit worked out perfectly, since I am only renting this apartment for the month of May.  We had such a good time visiting, sightseeing, eating (LOTS of eating), and laughing.  I was so thankful for her generosity in paying for numerous delicious meals, Obama paraphernalia, books, groceries, and museum entrance fees.  We had so much fun sneaking food into the concert arena of Wolf Trap Park, watching a Memorial Day fireworks show to set to songs like 'Dancing Queen' and 'My Girl' (??!), traipsing around the city on foot and bus and metro, and laughing until our sides almost burst about 'Catflexing.'  I'm so glad she was able to come and spend a whole week with me!

MOVING The short building in the middle is the apartment building I've been living in for the last month, viewed from the top of the National Cathedral.  Yes, my apartment is right across the street from this beautiful landmark, and in fact, I'm looking at it from my window as we speak!  It's been great to be here and have the apartment all to myself, but tomorrow I will say goodbye to Wisconsin Avenue and hello to my new place on the other side of town.  I'm moving into a house with a good friend from my program, Arnila, and two other girls in South East DC.  Though living alone suits my introvert proclivities well, I'm excited to have roommates again!  I'll be farther from school, but I'm looking forward to living in a more central area closer to Capitol Hill (and my internship) that doesn't feel so much like the suburbs.  I'm looking forward to living with some fun girls; I've missed having roommates over the last few years.

So that, my friends, is my overdue three-pronged update!  I give thanks to God for his goodness to me in so many ways.  He has provided everything I need and more this summer.  Smiles all around :-)    

I've been thinking lately about an aspect of true friendship for which I'm more and more grateful: Friends are favors.  Close friends are people you can call and, without any small talk, ask for help; they're the people who, when they ask you for something, your immediate response is 'of course'; friends do things for each other and don't have to be effusive about their gratitude, because that is just what friends do.  

Friends:take you to the airport, even at insanely early hours (sisters are friends, too).pick you up from the airport.let you wait until LOST is over to pick them up from the airport :-).are people you can call to look up directions for you on the internet when you're driving and lost.help you with your taxes.give you rides when you don't have a car, even when it's completely out of their way.take care of you when you drink too much (but of course that's never happened to me! ;-)).leave their house immediately to come meet you when you call in tears, no questions asked.pray for you when you need it.lend you things, like kitchen utensils and air mattresses.Of course friends are more than just favors, but more and more I appreciate how the depth of relationship provides a platform for these simple things.  You need me?  I'm here for you.  I need you?  You're there for me.  Whether it's my taxes or my tears, I know you will give of yourself to help me.  Thanks so much friends.  

Surprising people is one of the greatest joys of my life.  That's why I was sooooo excited about three weeks ago when I decided to buy a ticket HOME.  I hadn't been planning on going home in May, but after I decided to move out of the nanny house, it was as if God put a little bug in my ear: "Lisa, why don't you go home for a few days after the semester is over?"  So I thought about it for a couple days, bought a ticket, and then didn't tell anyone besides Kristen about my trip. And it was wonderful.  I really don't think I could have found a more perfect time to be home.

When I asked Kristen if she could pick me up from the airport, her first response was excitement that I was coming, and her second response, when hearing I would arrive at 9:40pm on Wednesday, was, "Lisa, that's during LOST!"  I told her she could wait until LOST was over to come get me; I know she would have done the same for me :-).

I couldn't wait to surprise my mom and Suzanne.  With Suzanne's birthday on the 5th, Mothers' Day on the 10th, and Mom's birthday on the 14th, I split the difference but planned my trip to be able to celebrate with them.  I've missed A LOT of birthdays and A LOT of Mothers' Days and I was so glad I could make it home this year.  They were both sleeping when I arrived on Wednesday night and were quite shocked and a little disturbed to see me when I woke them from their slumber :-).  I think, "What are you doing here??" was the question of choice.

Thursday I spent the day with my bestest friend in the whole world and my 'niece' Evie, who turned 1 year old on the 4th!  So good to just BE with them--eating, talking, walking, drinking tea--as always.  And that day plans were in the works for the second big surprise of the trip.  I was legitimately so sad that I would miss Derek's graduation from FPU until I bought my ticket, and then I was fake-sad.  Hehe.  Because Thursday night, when Derek finished his last class and thesis presentation, I was sitting on his couch (thanks to Ralph!) shouting "Congratulations!" when he opened the door to his apartment.  I will say it's MUCH more fun to surprise people who are awake.  I'm pretty sure he stood in the door, mouth open, for at least 30 seconds while Ralph and I laughed.  You see, one of the greatest joys of my life :-)

Friday I spent the day with my mom, who took the day off work.  We had a huge and delicious breakfast at the Rodeo Cafe, did a little shopping, and then bought some fresh strawberries--yum!  Fresh produce is definitely one of the things I miss most about California.  That evening Suzanne and I had some quality sister-time over sushi and Bloody Marys in Tower, and then I met up with Derek, Ralph and Marky for some more drinks and a little bit of dancing across the street.  Fun times!

Saturday was the day of events!  It started at 10am with Randy & Angie's Discernment Group.  I didn't get to see them at Christmas, so I was so glad I got to be there for this AND that they decided NOT to move to Alaska!  Then it was off to a 12:45 hair appointment, which resulted in me now infamously going blond (an accident, I swear!), and then Derek's graduation!  So so glad I got to be there for this HUGE occasion!  Not to mention getting to see my pals Becky & Jen, and Derek's sister Cassy. From there it was straight to Suzanne's family birthday celebration at BC's, where I got to see my grandparents, my aunts, and Steve and Eric. And then it was off to Derek's graduation party at Plaza Ventana and the after-party at The Circle, where I got to see my girl Andi and do some shadow-box dancing. Lol.  SO MUCH FUN! :-)

Sunday was Mothers' Day, spent with Mom and Suzanne over brunch and games.  And did I mention I single-handedly assembled a patio table?  Then in the evening it was off to Grandpa Freeman's 85th birthday celebration!  Got to spend time with him, Dad, Sheila, Aunt Kathy and Clare, and Uncle Jess over Armenian food and delicious cake.  Followed by some delightful parking lot stalking with Becky & Jen.  Who would have thought the McDonald's parking lot would be such a happening place on Sunday night?

Monday was filled with people I love: coffee with Randy, afternoon with Kristen & Evie, dinner with Cass, Panera with Josh Schroeder, rounded out by Yodigity with Derek (and him pushing me around the parking lot in a Rite Aid shopping cart).  And Tuesday morning Suzanne took me to the airport and I flew home to DC.

One of the reasons I decided I'd like to have home be in the States is so I can be a part of important events and occasions.  Flying across the country may be difficult at times, but it's nothing compared to flying across the world, which is often impossible.  I'm so glad I didn't let three time zones keep me from being home last week for all the festivities.  Thanks God, for putting the bug in my ear.  And thanks friends, for making it so special!  

Well, it all starts tomorrow.  The break is over and the craziness is about to begin.  To be honest, I am a little overwhelmed.  Between three classes that will no doubt be challenging, TA work, sometimes stressful and frustrating nanny duties, a dialogue group, mediation training, figuring out what to do this summer, and starting to think about internships, I just feel like it's a bit of a mountain ahead of me and it's a little scary.  But then I remember that God's grace is sufficient for me, and that we will tackle this and come out on the other side.  I take a deep breath and remind myself not to get stressed before the stress has started.  One step, one day at a time.  Work hard, not without mistakes, do my best, give my all, trust God to carry me through.  Ok, let's do this.-From my journal, January 13, 2009

The floods have lifted up, O Lord,The floods have lifted up their voice,The floods lift up their pounding waves.More than the sounds of many waters,Than the mighty breakers of the sea,The Lord on high is mighty.-Psalm 93:3-4

It's been a crazy ride, but now here I am on the other side!  This semester has been demanding and I can safely say that I've worked my a** off, but now I'm DONE with my first year of grad school.  It's hard to believe.  On one hand, it seems like it's gone by so fast, that I can't really be halfway to my masters; on the other hand, when I look back and remember just how much I've done in the last 4 months, I'm really proud.  From readings on peace processes in Uganda and Northern Ireland through group presentations on Sierra Leone and Sri Lanka to papers on culture & conflict resolution and platforms for relationship change, the work definitely didn't let up from Day 1 to the end.  But I have loved my classes and after a very intense last 3 weeks, on April 29 I turned in 50 pages of term papers and finals and I was finished!  It feels amazing to be free for four whole months!

Even though I'm thrilled to have completed my first year, I really did have a great semester. My classes and professors were excellent.  Conflict Analysis & Resolution gave me a great framework for understanding conflict dynamics and the range of available interventions. Comparative Peace Processes enriched my knowledge of specific conflicts going on in the world and all the important elements a peace process needs to address.  Though Dialogue itself wasn't my favorite class, I had a great experience in my Religion & Spirituality Dialogue group with other students on campus.  I come to the end of the year feeling more equipped--though with a healthy degree of pessimism--for the hard work of peace.  

Not only am I done with school, but I've also reached another milestone this week: completion of my nanny job!  In 20 minutes, I will put the kids to bed for the last time and my babysitting duties will be complete.  I'm so glad I decided to finish this job when the semester ended, because it brings everything to a close at the same time.  Tomorrow is moving day!  I'm moving into my friend's apartment for a month, which I will have all to myself.  What a blessing after 8 1/2 months of sharing space with a family!  Yes, it's time to move on into the next great adventure God has set up for me... Summer!  And that is another story in itself, which I will save for another post (coming soon!).

I'm happy.  I'm healthy.  I'm thankful.  I'm satisfied.  I'm proud.  I'm in the right place.  I love my life.  I'm done. :-)

 

...until the end of the semester.  That breaks down into two term papers and a take-home final in the next 7 days.  I'm locking myself away until then, but I promise after April 30, I will have a good update.  There's lots to tell...

"I don't know."  That's pretty much the answer I give people when they ask me what I'm doing this summer.  Not because I haven't thought about it--believe me, I have--but because there are so many pieces and I have very little control over how they will come together.  When I make decisions, I like to know all my options, set them in front of me, make pros and cons lists, get input from friends and family, and pray, of course.  Pray is last on the list, not because I don't care what God thinks or because I don't believe he is always leading and guiding me, but because I generally think God communicates to me through all those other things.  God gave me logic for a reason, so in the absence of clear direction otherwise, I'm going to use it!

But it is easy for me to come to rely on logic and reasoning and analyzing, at times almost letting God become a corollary to the decision-making process.  In this season, God is challenging me to trust him to guide me in the absence of real information upon which to base my decisions.  Because when it comes to this summer--which, I might add, is just 3 weeks away!--I have very little real information.  For a while, I was waiting to make decisions until I knew more.  Until I heard back from this organization about that internship, until I found out about that job, until I nailed down a place to stay, etc.  But a few weeks ago I realized that the information I thought I 'needed' wasn't forthcoming, and I was going to have to make some decisions without it.  That kind of decision-making is a lot scarier!  I mean, what if I make the wrong decision?  What if I choose something, and then there is no internship, no job, no place to live?  And that's when I realized, God is calling me to trust him.  To seek him for direction, and then to trust that he will show me what to do.  It's one thing to have two paths in front of me, and to choose to walk down one of them.  I mean, either way, I know there will be earth under my feet.  But to not see the path, and to take a step into the darkness in the direction I think God is leading--that involves trust.

So I have been making decisions, in the midst of waiting for calls back on internships, in the midst of not knowing if I will have a job or any kind of income, in the midst of not knowing exactly where I will live.  Decisions have had to be made, and so I have been seeking God and stepping out.  Last weekend I decided I will be moving out the house where I live and work as a nanny at the end of this month.  It was a decision between leaving this month, or waiting until the end of May, and I decided to leave when my semester ends at the end of April.  I have a place to stay for the month of May, and then another place to stay for the rest of the summer, so those pieces at least have started to come together.  What I still don't know is whether I will have an internship or a job or both or...  I am waiting for those pieces to come together and making decisions one at a time, trusting God to lead me one step after the other.  It can be a little anxiety-inducing at times, but really, I'm not worried.  What do I have to worry about? God has never given me any reason to doubt he'll always take care of me.  So all in all, I'm enjoying the adventure.  It's a mystery, and I'm just waiting to see what part God will fill me in on next.

This week I received some incredible news.  Some of you may remember when I took my girls to Bishkek near the end of my Peace Corps service for the ACCELS test.  Just as a refresher, ACCELS is a highly competitive English competition that consists of three rounds of testing.  Those students who pass all three rounds (about 60 per year from Kyrgyzstan) get to come study in America for a year for free.  It's an amazing opportunity for which only 1-2 students a year in Talas qualify.  My last summer in Jon-Aryk you might recall my club girls and I studying hard to prepare for the test.  In October 2007, we all traveled to Bishkek together, and two of my students passed the first round, but did not make it any farther.

You might also recall my disappointment that my best student, Aizada, didn't pass the first round that year.  This girl is one of the brightest, most hard-working students I've ever met (Kyrgyz or American).  She studied so hard for that test, coming to English club diligently 2 hours a day, 4 days a week, and doing grammar exercises on her own at home.  Of all my students, I thought she had the best chance of passing that year, so for her chances to be cut short so quickly was quite shocking for us both.  

In my last post from Kyrgyzstan, I wrote about how proud I was of Aizada, not only for her hard work, but also for her attitude.  After finding out she hadn't passed the test, she told me she had learned an important lesson.  She was used to always coming in first, so it was good for her to know how it felt not to win.  She told me, and I quote!: "It's ok.  I won't give up.  I will try again next year.  I will show America who is Aizada!"

And show America she did!  She took the test again this past fall, passing the first AND second rounds this time.  And the incredible news I received this week was that she also passed the third round, meaning she is coming to America in August for a year!  I cannot express fully my excitement and my pride.  I talked to Aizada Monday morning and she is also bursting at the seams.  "I'm on cloud nine!" she said :-).  

It's hard for me to believe that she will be here in 5 short months.  I'm communicating with some ACCELS people to see what we can do about getting her placed in or around DC, which would be amazing!  But no matter where she is--I don't care if it's the middle of nowhere in Kansas--I will definitely go visit her and fly her out to DC at least once.  My friend Will's student Lunara also passed, so we are already planning excursions to Disneyworld and Universal Studios :-)

I wanted this so badly for Aizada, and have prayed for years now that God would make a way for her to come to the States, and now she's coming!  I'm so excited for her, for the opportunity this will be, for the doors this will open in her life, and above all, that I get to SEE her and hug her and be with her again.  When we were saying goodbye on the phone this week, she said to me, "See you soon!"  Yay for Aizada!  America, watch out!  A little bit of amazing is about to shine her light on you this August.  

People just didn't seem to get it.  When I told them my cousin was coming to visit, they would nod and smile and say something to the effect of "Oh, that's nice."  I would think, "No, no, you don't understand.  My cousin STEVE is coming to visit!"  For them, my excitement-level was just not commensurate with the word 'cousin'.  And I realized it's true: I have yet to meet anyone with a cousin-relationship like Steve and I.  For most people, the word cousin conjures up thoughts of a relative they saw at the family reunion 6 years ago.  But even when I tried to explain, "Well, he's my cousin, but really he's my best friend," it still seemed puzzling to people (probably not in part due to the fact that most people, I've recently realized, also do not mean the same thing when they say 'best friend' as I do when referring to Kristen; don't get me started on that!).  

So it became a conundrum really.  How to explain Steve to people who have no frame of reference for the type of bond we've developed over the last 28 years of life together.  Some of my friends finally started to get it after they met him, and Crista suggested the term 'Cousinman', which was later augmented to 'Cousinman to the Power of Pi' after she discovered his penchant for math (and after a few drinks. ha.).  But in the end, even though it's hard to explain to people who don't already know, it just makes me all the more grateful to have a cousinfriend like Steve when I remember how much of a rarity relationships like ours are.

And we had a blast while he was here last week!  The timing of it couldn't have been more perfect, as the family I live with/work for has been in Italy for the last week for the kids' spring break. So not only did Steve and I have the house to ourselves, but I didn't have to work at all! In addition, I spent MY spring break (a couple weeks ago) being as productive as possible so I wouldn't have to do any school work while he was here either.  So we had 5 whole days to hang out without any other responsibilities.  What an amazing gift!

We made sure to hit all the hot spots: Bailey's milkshakes at The Diner,  Eastern Market, The Mall, Ben's Chili Bowl, Smithsonian Air & Space Museum, margaritas at Guapo's, Monuments at night, and the National Zoo.  On Sunday evening I had a potluck dinner at my house so Steve could meet some of my friends and vice-versa.  That was a ton of fun (also the advent of 'Cousinman'), and Steve even tolerated Shilpa and I singing along to 'NSYNC (will someone please tell me why I do not own a karaoke machine??).  We completed a DC-on-Foot card in the Shaw district, Steve came with me to one of my favorite classes, we went out to dinner with my future roommate Arnila, and we stayed in one night for a Chinese food & movie night.  We also had a great time sleeping in late, talking, laughing (which often involves me being so incredibly ridiculous that Steve can't help but laugh at me), riding the Metro, and just enjoying each other's company.  It was a great visit; so so good to have Steve here and get a small break from normal life.  Thanks for coming cuz!!

So now half of the Inner Circle has made it out to DC.  Kristen and Derek, you're next! ;-) 

Today I am remembering St. Patrick's Day 2007, the day of the oh-so-memorable Jon-Aryk St. Patrick's Day English Concourse.  One of my happiest and most proud days in Kyrgyzstan, this was the competition in which my amazing girls won first place with their absolutely hilarious St. Paddy's Day skit.  I watched the video again today and it made me laugh first, and then almost cry.  I miss these girls so much!!

So if you want some Leprechaun laughs today, give this video a view.  I know with their accents, it might be a little difficult to understand, but I think you'll get the main idea and a smile out of it :-).   The Luck O' the Irish (& the Kyrgyz!) be with you all today!

"Is morally serious compromise possible?"

This is the question the moderator used to open the event "Same-Sex Marriage & Religious Liberty: A Reconciliation?" at the Brookings Institution on Friday.  I was honored to be present for a discussion on the topic that Lara Schwartz from the Human Rights Campaign heralded as 'civil, honest, and smart,' the only type of discussion with the potential to forge a solution to this pressing issue in our nation.

The event came on the heels of an op-ed in the New York Times written by Jonathan Rauche, Guest Scholar in Governance Studies at the Brookings Institute and author of Gay Marriage: Why It Is Good for Gays, Good for Straights, and Good for America, and David Blankenhorn, President of the Institute for American Values, which outlined a proposed compromise on the issue of gay marriage and religious liberty.  The panel consisted of these two men, Lara Schwartz, Robin Wilson, Professor at the Washington and Lee University School of Law, and Nathan Diament, the Director of Public Policy at the Union of Orthodox Jewish Congregations of America.  

Blankenhorn began by acknowledging that discussion on this issue is usually defined by the most zealous factions on both sides and therefore, not very constructive and has the danger of becoming another 'scorched-earth' debate like abortion, where both sides cling to all-or-nothing, zero-sum positions.  This panel, however, illustrated that morally serious compromise on the issue of gay marriage is possible.  The goal of the op-ed was to change the tone of the debate to something more constructive by increasing comfort-level and goodwill on both sides. The panelists agreed that we are much more likely to get a better outcome if we reframe this debate from one of 'good vs. evil' (whichever side you perceive to be good or evil), 'bigot vs. pervert' to one of good versus good.  If both sides can realize that there are good reasons to be both for and against gay marriage, will will have come a long way.

There were lots of fascinating details discussed by the panelists about the meaning of marriage, the value and extent of religious liberty, the 'duty to assist vs. right to refrain' (Would a justice of the peace have the right to refuse to marry a gay couple, even though s/he is paid by public taxes?), but the moment that struck me most was when Blakenhorn expressed with great emotion what he described as a 'personal, passionate' opposition to gay marriage.  But then he said that there is another principle at stake, a principle that outweighs his personal, passionate views on the issue: That this issue is not going away and we have to find a way to live together.

This is what I see as a morally serious compromise: The ability to recognize that there are principles--like love, respect, compassion, empathy--that might just be much bigger than your, or my, personal views on an issue.  I was deeply encouraged and inspired by all the panelists at this event that such morally serious, civil, honest, and smart compromise is possible if we can all listen to, try to understand, and value one another just a little bit more.    

In you, Lord my God,  I put my trust.

I trust in you; do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me.

No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame,

but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause.

Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths.

Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.

Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old.

Do not remember the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways;

according to your love remember me, for you, Lord, are good.

Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.

He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.

All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful toward those who keep the demands of his covenant.

For the sake of your name, Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great.

Who, then, are those who fear the Lord? He will instruct them in the ways they should choose.

They will spend their days in prosperity, and their descendants will inherit the land.

The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.

My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.

Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.

Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish.

Look on my affliction and my distress, and take away all my sins.

See how numerous are my enemies and how fiercely they hate me!

Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame,

for I take refuge in you.

My integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope, Lord, is in you.

Redeem Israel, O God, from all their troubles!

This is the answer to one of the questions on my take-home midterm for Comparative Peace Processes (one of my favorite classes!).  I couldn't get the references to copy correctly at the bottom, so sorry this isn't as professional as it probably should be.  I figured most people wouldn't be bothered, but if you actually do want the reference list, let me know :-)There is often a tension between the issues of power sharing and human rights when constructing a peace accord.  One calls for compromise and concession, sometimes involving negotiation with parties who have committed gross human rights violations.  The other calls for justice, accountability for past wrongdoing, and mechanisms for ensuring that such things will not happen in the future.  How does a peace process address the need to acknowledge the suffering of victims of violence, while also producing an agreement that satisfies all parties in order to procure a cessation of hostilities?  This tension between principle and pragmatism is a recurring theme in the cases we have studied.  The 1996 MNLF-Government of the Philippines Agreement, Arusha Accords, and Lome Peace Agreement have each dealt with these issues differently.  What can be learned from the ways in which these agreements addressed the tension between power sharing and human rights, and what do these lessons reveal about agreements that increase the likelihood of sustainable peace?   In “Power Sharing after Civil Wars,” Timothy D. Sisk identifies three power sharing options for settling civil wars, specifically ethnic conflicts: (1) autonomy; (2) a group building block approach, or consociationalism; and (3) an integrative approach (Darby & MacGinty 2008, pp. 200-5).  The agreements under examination illustrate individually each of these three methods. The 1996 MNLF-Government of the Philippines Agreement addressed power sharing by establishing the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao (ARMM), which was to have its own executive, legislative, and judicial branches, as well as its own security force.  The autonomous region was to be determined by a plebiscite, whereby 14 provinces would vote to join or not join ARMM.  In addition, MNLF Chairman Nur Misuari was elected to the ARMM governorship (Muslim & Cagoco-Guiam, 1999).  Autonomy was “seen as a reasonable way to balance the claims of states for territorial integrity and the claims of rebel forces for secession” (Darby & MacGinty 2008, p. 200).  The difficulty with autonomy in Mindanao, and autonomy generally, is in its implementation.  There is no singular blueprint for autonomy, so the details must be negotiated, which brings up many of the same contentious power sharing issues at play in the secession debate.  For this reason, Sisk claims it has had little success as a means of resolving conflict (Darby & MacGinty 2008, p. 201), and indeed has not been successful thus far in Mindanao. The Arusha Accords provide an illustration of consociational power sharing, which is characterized by group autonomy, minority rights, and proportionality in all spheres of public life (Darby & MacGinty 2008, p. 202).  The Accords provided percentages for power sharing in all of Burundi’s governing institutions (McClintock & Nahimana 2008, p. 79), with the G10 Tutsi UPRONA-led coalition obtaining 50% of national and social ministries and 40% of economic ministries, and the G7 Hutu FRODEBU-led coalition obtaining the inverse (Burundi After Six Months of Transition 2002, p. 4).  In addition, UPRONA was granted the presidency of the Senate and vice-presidency of the National Assembly, while FRODEBU gained the presidency of the National Assembly and vice-presidency of the Senate (Burundi After Six Months of Transition 2002, p. 5). The Accords also mandated that the military would be 50% Hutu and 50% Tutsi (McClintock & Nahimana 2008, p. 79).  When the history of governance is one of exclusion, as in Burundi, consociationalism can be a transitional step that at least mandates the representation of each group.  But its danger lies in the fact that it reinforces ethnic divisions in a nation already characterized by deep ethnic cleavages.  As Sisk asserts, “While power sharing may be desirable, and necessary, as an immediate exit to deadly ethnic wars, power sharing is not a viable long-term solution to managing uncertainty in divided societies” (Darby & MacGinty 2008, p. 196).  It remains to be seen whether this approach will be effective in mitigating mistrust and competition between Hutus and Tutsis in Burundi. The Lome Peace Agreement dealt with power sharing from a more integrative approach, a luxury it may have been afforded because the conflict in Sierra Leone was not ethnic in nature.  As such, though power sharing was a primary issue for the Revolutionary United Front (RUF), the agreement did not need to address fundamental issues of identity that often generate the necessity of a building block approach.  The integrative approach was also possible because democratically-elected President Kabbah and his government had both popular and constitutional legitimacy (Rashid, 2000), enabling it to maintain its basic structure. Lome provided four ministerial and four deputy ministerial positions for the AFRC-RUF and gave its leader, Foday Sankoh, chairmanship of the Commission for the Management of Strategic Resources, National Reconstruction and Development (which controlled the diamond mines), as well as the title of vice-president (Rashid, 2000).  In addition, the RUF was to be transformed into a political party ("Lome Agreement summary," 2000), though it eventually fizzled out as such.    Even so, what may seem like minimal concessions on the part of the Sierra Leonean government in the area of power sharing become more significant in light of the particularly brutal war waged by the RUF, including the targeting of civilians, kidnapping of child soldiers, and indiscriminate amputation of limbs.  The tension between power sharing and human rights is paramount in this case.  The Lome Peace Agreement mandated fairly standard human rights provisions such as the release of all prisoners-of-war and the reintegration of refugees and internally displaced persons ("Lome Agreement summary," 2000), but how did it hold perpetrators accountable for human rights violations?  While the agreement called for the establishment of a Truth and Reconciliation Commission to deal with human rights violations since 1991 ("Lome Agreement summary," 2000), it also gave blanket amnesty to all members of the RUF and a full pardon to Foday Sankoh (Rashid, 2000).  In a situation complicated by the fact that many perpetrators were once victims and in which it would have been impractical to put each RUF combatant on trial, amnesty was a necessary component in moving the negotiations forward.  According to Christine Bell in “Negotiating Human Rights,” “The question is changed from either amnesty or accountability, to a question of when and how accountability can best be provided for” (Darby & MacGinty 2008, p. 225).  Addressing this question, the United Nations attached a disclaimer to the amnesty provision “that the amnesty and pardon shall not apply to international crimes of genocide, crimes against humanity, war crimes, and other serious violations of international humanitarian law” ("Chronology," 2000).  This disclaimer allowed for the later establishment of the Special Court for Sierra Leone to hold accountable those most responsible for the atrocities, such as Liberian President Charles Taylor.  Were these initiatives sufficient?  It is difficult to say, but this case illustrates the complexity of negotiating an agreement that seeks to achieve a variety of seemingly conflicting goals (i.e. peace and justice). Burundi’s Arusha Accords contained some human rights provisions similar to those in the Lome Agreement.  For example, it provided for the resettlement and reintegration of refugees and established a National Truth and Reconciliation Commission (McClintock & Nahimana 2008, p. 79).  In addition, it mandated an independent commission to investigate prison conditions, the treatment of prisoners, and the release of political prisoners and prisoners awaiting trial (Burundi After Six Months of Transition 2002, p. 8).  Unlike in Sierra Leone, Arusha allowed for many of the most contentious human rights issues—such as political immunity, the establishment of a National Commission for the Reintegration of War-Affected People (CNRS), and a law aimed at preventing genocide—to be resolved through the political process (McClintock & Nahimana 2008, p. 79).  Ultimately, UPRONA and FRODEBU parliamentary groups obstructed the measures not aligned with its respective interests (Burundi After Six Months of Transition 2002, p. 8).  The human rights situation in Mindanao was different from the other two cases in that, though the island continues to experience a devastating war, it has not faced the atrocities characterizing violence in Sierra Leone nor the ethnic massacres and threat of genocide causing great fear for both Hutus and Tutsis in Burundi.  Therefore, the 1996 Final Peace Agreement centered on details of autonomy and development for Mindanao and was largely silent on issues of human rights.  In particular, it failed to provide any compensatory justice to Muslims for the long history of injustice they have endured at the hands of colonizers, settlers, and the government (Muslim, 1999).  Perhaps this consuming focus on power sharing, and the lack of attention given to the human rights grievances causing the Moro to seek autonomy in the first place, contributed to the collapse of the agreement. Clearly, power sharing and human rights are issues that cannot be ignored when constructing a peace agreement.  Analysis of these three cases shows that short-term solutions to these issues to obtain agreement must be balanced with mechanisms to ensure sustainable peace.  As articulated earlier by Bell, the question is not so much either/or, but when and how.  Attempts to adequately address the when and how of power sharing and human rights will inevitably result in some tension and inconsistency, serving as a reminder that agreements necessitated by long histories of destructive conflict will not be without their imperfections.

Tonight I got a free empanada, because they made me wait too long for the one I ordered.  I love it when that happens!  I will wait too long for most anything if it means I get something free! Good night!

 

Between nanny duties, TA responsibilities, never-ending school work, and the attempt to get at least 7 hours of sleep each night, the 24 hours of the day are pretty quickly claimed.  As a result, I find that my email inbox often goes unattended to, and voice mail messages take weeks, sometimes months to return.  For most of my life, I have prided myself on the fact that I am good at keeping in touch with people, but in this season, I find there just isn't a lot of time for good long Lisa-emails  or phone conversations.  Sometimes I feel bad, like I am being flaky and letting the ball drop on relationships, but at the same time I know I can only do so much with the time I have, considering life's current demands.  

I apologize to everyone who has been waiting for a returned phone call or an email response. I'm not as good at these things as I once was.  But I still deeply value the people in my life and want to maintain my relationships.  It is for this reason that, as the title of this blog states, Facebook and text messaging are my friends.  When I am thinking about someone, it's not always possible to give them a call or write an email with a full life update; but I can send a text, or write a comment on their Wall.  It's not the same as an hour-long conversation, but it helps me feel connected to the people I care about when there isn't time for more.  It's not a heart-to-heart, but it's something.  And for the possibility of that 'something', I am very thankful for technology!

So if you get a text from me that seems a little out of the blue, or a Wall comment just to say hi, it just means I'm thinking about you (and probably praying for you!), and it's my way of trying to stay connected in the midst of a demanding season of life.  I know it's not sufficient, but my hope is that it will tide us over until the end of the semester when there will be time for that good, long chat :-)           

O God, you are our refuge.When we are exhausted by life's efforts;When we are bewildered by life's problems;When we are wounded by life's sorrows:We come for refuge to you.O God, you are our strength.When our tasks are beyond our powers;When our temptations are too strong for us;When duty calls for more than we have to give to it:We come for strength to you.O God, it is from you that all goodness comes.It is from you that our ideals come;It is from you that there comes to us the spur of high desire and the restraint of conscience.It is from you that there has come the strength to resist any temptation,and to do any good thing.And now as we pray to you,Help us to believe in your love,so that we may be certainthat you will hear our prayer;Help us to believe in your power,so that we may be certainthat you are able to do for usabove all that we ask or think;Help us to believe in your wisdom,so that we may be certainthat you will answer,not as our ignorance asks,but as your perfect wisdom knows best.All this we ask through Jesus Christ our Lord.  Amen.

-From Prayers for the Christian Year by William Barclay

You know how some girls are super cute when they exercise?  I run by them on the street, with their adorable ponytails and color-coordinated athletic clothing.  Hardly breaking a sweat and certainly not breathing hard, they jog effortlessly by with some variation on a theme of "Mmm-bop" undoubtedly coursing through their iPod earbuds.

I am not one of those girls.  My hair, not long enough for a ponytail, is held up with a random assortment of variously colored and sized clips, which does not come across as messy-but-adorable, but pretty much just plain messy.  My running clothes, chosen for their utility, are mismatched--usually some variety of purple shirt, black pants, tan gloves, blue hat.  The no makeup situation doesn't convey 'fresh and alive!', but more along the lines of 'yes, I just rolled out of bed and am not quite awake yet.'  My nose red from the cold and face flushed from the exertion, my post-run state is certainly not my most attractive.  Let's just say I'm pretty sure I won't be meeting the man of my dreams mid-5k. 

Ah well, what can you do?  We can't all be super cute and athletic.  Let's just hope the looking-like-crap attempted athleticism contributes to some measure of cuteness when not engaged in aerobic activity :-).     

The first time I read an article by John Paul Lederach for one of my classes last semester, I think I stopped in the middle and said out loud, "I love this guy!"  As I have read more by him and learned about his work in peacebuilding and reconciliation around the world, he has shaped my vision of who I aspire to be as a peacemaker.  I'm always enthusiastic when I see his name on a syllabus for class.

A few weeks ago in Comparative Peace Processes, we read an article in which he criticized the concepts of 'ripeness' and what is known in the field of mediation as a 'Mutually Hurting Stalemate.'  For Lederach, these concepts imply that a peace process is linear, moving constantly toward the ripe moment a mediator must be ready to 'seize.'  He argued instead that a peace process is both circular and linear, kind of like the loops of the roller coaster pictured above (repeated on indefinitely).  At any isolated point in time, a peace process may appear to be moving forwards, backwards, up, down--or in any number of seemingly random directions--while at the same time also moving in sustained direction.  The key for him is creating what he calls a 'transformational platform' of sustained relationship and engagement that allows the parties to experience the loops while still moving 'forward.'  Seeing the big picture is important.  Looking at the circumstances on the ground at just one point in time tells you nothing about the state of the peace process.

I like this visual and have been thinking about it in relation to our spiritual journeys.  I think our journeys are circular and linear, too.  We don't just move in a straight line--either backwards or forwards, growing or 'falling away.'  At any point, we could be moving in any number of directions, not appearing to ourselves and/or to others to be making 'progress' or moving in the 'right' direction.  But it's just not that simple.  Spiritual journeys are complex. They aren't just linear, and they aren't just circular (moving constantly over the same ground over and over again), but they are both.  Sometimes it looks like we're making progress and sometimes it doesn't, but when God is at work, we trust that if we could step back and see the big picture, we would see movement in a sustained direction, despite the loops we make along the way.

I have been MIA lately, I know!  No blogs, no email responses, no returned phone calls--sorry all!  Between school (mostly school) and work, I have been working hard trying to stay on top of things, and that hasn't left much time for anything else.  The past couple weeks have been particularly intense, with a presentation last Wednesday on Models of Ethnopolitical Conflict, Mediation Training all this weekend, and another 2 hour presentation coming up on Thursday on the conflict and peace process in Sierra Leone.  It's good stuff and valuable learning, but quite time-consuming!  So, for a taste of what my life is like these days, you can watch this mini-documentary on The Sierra Leone Civil War.  I'll be swimming in West Africa until Feb 12!

A couple readings that stood out to me today:

We complain that God does not make himself present to us for the few minutes we reserve for him, but what about the twenty-three and a half hours during which God may be knocking at our door and we answer, "I am busy.  I am sorry."  Or when we do not answer at all because we do not even hear the knock at the door of our heart, our mind, of our conscience, of our life. So there is a situation in which we have no right to complain of the absence of God, because we are a great deal more absent than he ever is.  -Anthony Bloom

Obedience is indispensable.  Not to a static code, however helpful it may be at times.  But obedience to God, who is present with us in every situation and is speaking to us all the time. Every obedience, however small (if any obedience is ever small) quickens our sensitivity to him and our capacity to understand him and so makes more real our sense of his presence.  -From The Captivating Presence by Albert Edward Day

Last weekend, we all know, was historic.  It's difficult to put into words just how incredible it was to be here in DC for all the festivities with millions of other people full of hope, to be a first-hand witness to what I'm sure will be one of the most pivotal events in my lifetime. Several friends and family conveyed their jealousy to me, and my response was that I'm almost jealous of myself!

The festivities began on Sunday with the Inauguration Welcome Concert at the Lincoln Memorial.  It was certainly the highlight of my Inauguration experience!  Having arrived with friends when the gates opened at 8am, we got a pretty good spot on the Mall and camped out eating and playing games until the concert began at 2:30.  You know when a concert kicks off with Bruce Springsteen and a full choir, it's gonna be a good one!

And we were not disappointed.  How can you be disappointed when you can't decide: Was the highlight Stevie Wonder singing 'Higher Ground'?  Or Mary J. Blige singing 'Lean on Me'?  But what about Tom Hanks' tribute to Abraham Lincoln?  Garth Brooks' rendition of 'Miss American Pie'?  Or maybe it was James Taylor, or John Legend, or Beyonce, or Usher, or Will.i.am, or Steve Carell, or Samuel L. Jackson, or Denzel Washington, or Jamie Foxx?  How in the world can you beat seeing Bono sing 'In the Name of Love'??  However, the highlight for me was seeing Barack Obama and hearing him speak in person for the first time.

I know that picture is woefully small, but if you look very hard near the center, you can see Barack and Michelle Obama walking down the steps.  Of all the places to hear him speak for the first time, I don't think anything can top the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.  Standing in the same place Martin Luther King Jr. gave his 'I Have a Dream Speech' 40+ years ago, Barack Obama addressed the nation on the eve of his Inauguration as the first African American president of the United States, fulfilling that dream in a very real way.  We were profoundly touched; it is an experience that will indelibly fixed in my memory.

As for the actual Inauguration, it is not quite as exciting, but an experience nonetheless!  A couple days after the election, I requested an Inauguration ticket from my Congressional Representative, but was immediately put on the waiting list (tickets are free, but limited, and only required for entrance to the areas closest to the Capitol building).  They said they had received requests numbering three times the amount of tickets available!  I assumed I would simply go to the Mall on Inauguration Day with the millions of other non-ticketed attendees, but the Friday before the event, I received an email that there had been a cancellation and there was a ticket available!  

So on Inauguration Day, I, with so many others, woke at 5am (something those who know me know I do NOT do for just anything!), bundled up for 20 degree weather, and headed downtown to the Purple Gate Entrance.  By the time I arrived at 6:30am (1.5 hours before the gate opened, and 5 hours before the ceremony began), the line was already at least a mile long, the bulk of which was inside the 3rd street tunnel.  Have you ever been contained in a tunnel with tens of thousands of other people?  It's a little scary!     

To make a long, sad story as short as possible, the thousands of us (all with purple tickets) pictured here stood in line for 5+ hours and finally emerged from the tunnel to find that we were in a line to nowhere.  There was no one telling us what to do or where to go, just a giant horde of people all heading to what we thought was the Purple Gate, only to find it closed!  It was a mess, a fiasco, and a disappointment to say the least.  No one was there to explain to us what was going on, and by the time we figured out we weren't getting in the gate, it was too late to go anywhere else.

So at 11:30, with nowhere to go, no screens to watch, an unable to hear anything, I called Kristen.  Like so many others around me, my experience of the Inauguration was, standing behind a closed gate just a few hundred feet from the Capitol building, listening to it on speaker phone from California, or New York, or Nebraska, or Texas.  

And somehow, despite the tragedy of not being able to get inside, I still felt as though I was 'there.'  There was something poignant about watching thousands of people clamor around cell phones to hear the oath and address of our new president.  Full of hope and anticipation, we knew we were witnesses to history.  I was there!

My delightful 5 weeks off from school comes to an end today.  What have I been up to for the last month?  Here's the breakdown, in bullet points (what else did you expect from me?):Lots of TV-watching: Friends Seasons 5, 6, 7 & 8; Family Ties Season 1; Arrested Development Seasons 1, 2 & 3Reading lots of books ranging from inspiring to brain-numbing: The Moral Imagination by John Paul Lederach; I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell by Tucker Max; Runaway Jury by John Grisham; Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs; and Finding Faith: A Search for What's Real by Brian McLaren2 nights out at The Diner in Adams Morgan2 wonderful weeks in California2 wonderful Christmas celebrations with 2 wonderful familiesRecord-setting hours of sleep2 shots of tequila, 3 kamikazes, 1 failed Vodka & Cran attempt, several glasses of champagne, too much Gin & Tonic 2 nights of karaoke, with performances including 'NSYNC, Jay-Z (after 2 songs, we were consequently banned from singing Jay-Z), Christina Aguilera, Fergie, Bette Midler, and more...2 nights of dancing at DejaPossibly the best New Years Eve I've ever had2 DC-on-foot cards (National Cathedral and Union Station)Lots of amazing food with amazing friends Kristen, Steve, Derek, Becky, Jen, Cassy, Rachelle, Josh, Hannah, Bekah, Jason, Katie, and Sarah.New friends Ralph, Melissa, Markie, and David ;-)Only 2 personal crises1 trip to Santa Cruz, 1 lost (and then found) cell phone, 2 traffic tickets1 haircut by the amazing Aimee (if you need a stylist in Fresno, let me know; she's great!)1 night on Derek's couch, 1 night in Becky's housesitting bed, 1 night on Derek's air mattress, and 1 night in Kristen's spare bedroom2 new star shirts, 2 new pairs of star earrings, and 1 new star purse1 new (and much appreciated) digital camera (thanks Steve!!)276 new pictures with said cameraSadly, only 1 serving of Yodigity frozen yogurt1 blind date9 new books for next semester's classesI'd call that a success!  Tomorrow I'll start my second semester of grad school with Conflict Analysis & Resolution: Theory and Practice, and I'll continue Thursday with Comparative Peace Processes and Dialogue: Approaches and Applications.  It should be a good, albeit busy, 4 months.  So, goodbye, Winter Break!  We had a blast, but now it's time to move on.  Bring on the semester!

Why do you spend money for what is not bread,And your wages for what does not satisfy?Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,And delight yourself in abundance.Isaiah 55:2

I'm learning that what is good for me is often counterintuitive.  Doing what I feel like doing doesn't always satisfy, even though it may seem to hit the spot at the time.  Example: Yesterday I woke up and wanted nothing more than to just spend the day in bed being lazy.  It seemed so right to have a lazy Sunday afternoon indoors, out of the cold; especially since it is the last one I may have for a while, seeing as classes start on Wednesday.  So I did it.  I stayed in my pajamas all day and watched the entire second season of Arrested Development.  It was delightful... for a while.  Then all of a sudden I realized it was 9pm, I had been watching TV for 9 hours, had only exited the basement once, and hadn't been outside all day.  I had an overwhelming desire at that point to GET OUT.  But it was too late; it was dark and cold and there was nothing left to do outside.  I felt yucky.

I imagine some of you have had similar experiences.  I remember another time I indulged in an unlimited Dorito-eating spree.  I love Nacho Cheese Doritos; they are probably my favorite junk food snack.  But when I was done with my spree, I had that familiar feeling: yuck.  Coupled with the realization that what I had just eaten without restraint was nothing but crap.  My body was not happy.

I contrast this with the feeling I have when I am eating nutritious food and exercising.  I know it's a bit cliche, but my body truly is happy.  I feel good, energetic, confident.  The same is true when I incorporate disciplines into my life like journaling, thinking/reflecting, enjoying silence, and listening to God, rather than filling my time with TV, movies, brainless books, and the Internet.  My soul is happy when I do these things.  I feel balanced and healthy.  Those latter things are not inherently bad, but I think they are often substitutions for the things my spirit is really longing.  Money spent on what is not bread, wages on what does not satisfy.

So the dilemma arises: If what I feel like doing isn't necessarily what is good for me, if I can't trust myself to know what will truly satisfy, what do I do?  How do I decide on what to spend my wages?  There isn't a clear cut answer, but I think the verse in Isaiah provides direction: (1) "Listen carefully to Me."  I need to seek God, and obey even when what He is telling me may not be what I feel like doing, trusting that He knows what I need.  (2) "Eat what is good."  It doesn't take a genius to figure out that an apple is better for me than a bowl of Doritos.  To a large extent, I know what is healthy for my life, and I simply need to make good choices even if what I know will satisfy in the long-run isn't what I'm craving in the moment. 

Doing what is healthy isn't always easy.  Making the choice to run when I want to stay inside. Making the choice to put the box of Cheez-Its away when I want to eat the whole thing. Making the choice to spend time with God when Season 3 of Arrested Development is calling my name.  And certainly it's also part of being healthy to treat myself and indulge every once in a while.  But the truth is that even though what satisfies is often counterintuitive, a life spent eating what is good is one of fruitfulness.  And in that place I can truly "delight [my]self in abundance."

...The Year of the 'New' Lisa.  It's been a crazy ride!  Back from Kyrgyzstan, it was a year of adjustment, exploration, venturing into new horizons, making mistakes, learning about myself, being stretched, and growth.  For better and for worse--and in no particular order--the things I will think of when I remember 2008:

Laughing so hard I almost wet my pants, numerous timesNo guilt

Rejecting duty and 'shoulds'Consequently, a notable lack of disciplineDirecting Buchanan Campus Life AGAIN!  Didn't see that one coming!Not attending and radically rethinking church

Being real, releasing control, not being responsible for others' decisions and responsesTrips with Derek & BeckyFun times with Suzanne & MattMaking my peace with The Well

Gloria... in March (Bethel Saloon), June (White Trash), and September (Adams Morgan Night Crawl)Campus Life Curriculum: 40 hours a week, for 5 weeksThe Inner Circle: What in the world would I do without them?Kristen is pregnant and has Evie!Andi

Substitute TeachingGin & Tonic, Kamizakes, Tequila!Fibbers

Gay ClubsSweet potatoes and long conversations with BKKaraokeThe last Going-Away party... leaving Fresno for real

CounselingStarting Grad SchoolDiscovering Interactive Conflict Resolution

SaturationMiamiPurple Saturn"F**k you, cathedral-goer!" -Crazy Aunt ClareThe Half-Assed Half Birthday PartyBook Study that turned into Saturdays with Jason

Moving Derek... Becky and I single-handedly moving the couch down the stairs... Miscellaneous Junk... Christmas Trees... AtticsDancing!Rachelle, Cassy, Whittney, Billy, Robin

Dropping the ball on long-distance friendshipsSitting with JoshBarack Obama!Drama, and then some more drama

Communicating... and communicating... and communicatingPacific Northwest Road Trip with Steve & EricBecoming a nannyInconsistent time spent with God/Re-learning how to spend time with God/Experiencing God in new waysPB&JFreedom

AIM and Facebook (hours and hours and hours...)LoveAnd now I look forward to a 2009 of following, centering, listening, health, and wholeness. God bless us all on our journeys!