This word has become increasingly profound to me over the last year and a half. I wonder about Casey Anthony today. She was found Not Guilty. I honestly have not been following the case and I only know that the world believes that a woman, guilty of killing her four year old little girl, has walked free. What is family to her? She accused her dad and brother of sexually molesting her, and is now being accused of killing her daughter so that she can party more? Something about this situation completely ignites a fire in my stomach. If a mother is capable of something like this, to not only take a life - but the life of her daughter, what part of "mother" was she? Family is a word to me that connects deeper and stronger then any other link that humans can share.

I was at the dog park tonight while Adam was practicing with his band. A little boy called to me from outside the fence, after a few moments of watching the dogs. He asked me if he was allowed to come in? I asked how old he was and he said 9? I told him that he had to being either 9 or 10 but I couldn't remember. He looked at the sign and he told me that the rule was 10. He said "well i can be 10!". I told him he should ask his mother, that it wasn't up to me, but sometimes dogs jump, and that can be scary. He said "my mom doesn't care" and he came and sat right next to me. I enjoyed his company and wondered about what he said "My mom doesn't care". Maybe she didn't, or maybe she did... but either way he was sitting next to me and we were talking about instincts of dogs. I enjoyed the company of my little friend tonight ( i wish I asked his name). I can't help to think of Laike at 9 years old. Will i really not care where or what he is doing at 9:00 at night? Will I let him right his bike around town without telling me where he is going? It is hard to believe I will ever let go that much. It has been hard enough to start weaning him!

I was talking with my dad a few weeks ago and he was talking about letting go of me? He admitted that he isn't quite sure how to be a father to me if I don't "need" him anymore. Family.... It is full of such beauty and yet brings up such strong emotions within me... i guess that is beautiful to! Thank you God for the blessing of my family i love them... every one of them

Adam and I just returned from the most amazing vacation. We went to an all inclusive resort in Mexico. Honestly I wasn't exactly what to expect and I had kind of low expectations because I have heard so much negative stuff about mexico recently. As we were driving to our hotel I got my first glimpse of the amazing Caribbean sea. It literally brought tears to my eyes. It was a color of aqua that I have never seen. When we arrived at the hotel we were greeted with cold hand towels and banana iced tea. This was just a small insight into how we would be treated during our stay. We were taken to our room and the view from our balcony with breath taking. I have to say I felt like an excited little girl on christmas morning. We took a minute to take it in but then got our bathing suits on andwent to see if we could find some lunch. There was a restaurant that was pretty much right on the beach. Watching the ocean waves roll in as I simmed a mojito was delightful. THis restaurant offered both an al a carte menu and a buffet for lunch. We decided on the buffet filled with fresh fruits and vegetables and a varity of sea food and italian favorites. After lunch we laid by the infinity pools. THey were so gorgeous. The way the pools were set up it looked like they were part of the ocean, it is hard to explain but it was so cool. We talked about how we weird it was that we had no schedule and no place to be. We were going to have to force ourselves to slow down and not think about time. That was pretty easy because there were no clocks around and no one seemed to be in a hurry. We were treated like kings the entire time we were there. We had exquisite cuisine and someone offering us drinks regularly. I have to say it was a much need vacation.

On the other hand it was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard to be away from my little boy. I missed him so much. One night I couldn't sleep and woke up crying because i was so sad to be away from him. He did fine while he stayed with his Grandma but I do believe I won't be leaving him any time soon! I enjoyed not having responsibility but the joy he brings to my life is too much to leave him again. Next family vacation will be a full family affair.

I was happy to see him at the airport. He was a little confused about why we were there but was very happy to see us.

So today was my official last day of internship/work. It is really quite a good thing. I feel really peaceful about it. I have been preparing for it for a while and now that is here I am really satisfied with my decision to not work right now. I remember when I started I felt that it would be the longest 9 months of my life. In a lot of ways it was. It was so hard to be away from Laike and so hard, especially on Thursdays, to drive so far away from him and leave him in someone elses' care. Now it is over. I have learned alot for sure. Much more about me then about anything else, but it is all one I am sure. I really did enjoy my time with clients. I know this is something I am created for. I know that God has blessed me with a desire and a gift for working with people. I feel energized by people. I also know that I have the gift of Laike and I am so happy to have the privilege to spend my days watching him grow. We will see how doors open up as we proceed into the next phase of this journey.

Laike is continuing to light up my life. I love him beyond words. He makes me laugh, he warms my heart and he brings the word "family" to a completely new level of intensity. I am so thankful for my family, for the bond that will unite us forever.

So much to be thankful for, yet no words to really say anymore.

It was today, 8 years ago that one of my best friends died in a terrible car accident. She was 18 driving on a fast country road. She hit black ice and before she knew it she hit a tree and was dead. I think about it and it sickens me to think of her life gone so young. She was energetic, fun and someone with whom I have many great memories. I miss her deeply and it saddens me to think how life has moved on without her in it. Today i just hope to make a tribute to her and the short life she lived. She was a good friend with a good heart. She was by my side from very young. Though as young girls we had arguments she was a confidant and a friend. I love her, I miss her. May you value and hold close those you love today and always. "If everything that we have can be gone at any moment, then it is all a gift" Thank you God for the gift of Jen. Hold her close and let her know she is loved and missed.

We had a huge blizzard last night. They are calling it the Blizzard of 2011... a little dramatic but still really exciting. We have over 14 in of snow outside. People are skiing down the middle of the road, i wish i could go out. Adam tried to get his truck out, so that he could go to work today, but he got 10 feet and was stuck. Neighbors came out to help him move his truck back so that he wasn't blocking the middle of the street. He had to walk down to the main road and one of his co workers came to pick him up. It is really ridiculous that tv is so important to people that my husband has to go out in this nastiness. Anyway, HAPPY SNOW DAY!!!

This battle to lose pregnancy weight has been way harder then I thought it would be. I was working hard at losing the last few pounds of christmas weight when I got pregnant. I knew my body would change and that I would have to put on weight to be able to develop the growing baby inside of me. However, now my gorgeous son is here, he is 8 months old, but my thoughts and energy can sometimes be consumed by my anger towards my FAT body. It is the holidays right now so the unhealthy foods abound. I had been running and enjoying increasing my mileage in the summer and fall, but now it is getting colder and snow and ice are filling the sidewalks. Needless to say I have all but given up on running through the winter. I am still exercising and trying figure out how to burn more calories then i consume. In my head I tell myself that the only thing that really matters is that I have a healthy son who is getting lots of nutrition from my milk and if I eat healthy and stay active the weight will just melt away. It is hard to believe this. I look in my closet at all the size 6 clothes that i used to fit comfortably into. Then I cringe when i see the muffin top budge over the pants i am wearing.

Now that I've thoroughly complained..... I am more then thankful for the health of my family. For the warm happiness that each day brings. I am grateful beyond words for my baby boy and so so so filled with Joy at the wonders of God's gifts.

I am getting better at balancing life. I am starting to enjoy my internship. It is quite amazing how strong my feelings of enjoyment for my job and wanting to be home with my baby can be. It is amazing to me that I intensely feel strongly towards conflicting situations. Anyway, I am starting to adjust to him being with Rachel and he is definitely find and adjusted. He loves when I am home but he also loves being with Adam and I think he enjoys being with Rachel. So in the end, happy baby makes a happy mama. The thing I want to add to my rhythm is running. I've stopped due to being so stressed about leaving Laike, now that I am more balanced with that I must add this in. My alarm is set for 6 20, I will get up and run.

I started my internship two weeks ago. So, for the past two weeks I have been overwhelmed with guilt and pain over leaving my Laike. I have not enjoyed being at my internship because I know my baby is in the care of another. I have nothing but trust for those watching my son, however, the part of me that is now mother happens to take up most of my thoughts. In any other situation I think I would truely enjoying my internship and giving it my all. I am in desperate need to let go and allow this internship to be the learning experience I know it should be. Yesterday, I was sitting in my group supervision class and I was reminded why I really do love this work. Though the days are tough and the time away from Laike completely breaks my heart, I really do think that this is a beautiful work that I have the privilege of being apart of. Yesterday a woman came into my office and immediately began weeping. I was set back at the thought of just meeting me and yet allowing her emotions to let loose. I desperately want to be used by God in this time and I know if I am to do this, I must let go of my present guilt and trust that this is the space I need to be in at this time. I know Laike is okay, He knows he is loved and in the end I truely believe it will be right for our family for me to finish this degree.

Laike is truely the light in my life right now. Adam and I have recently been doing an experiment. Laike sits in his bouncy seat where a monkey, elephant and giraffe hang over his head. He grabs his monkey every time be leaves the elephant and giraffe. So we decided to move the monkey around to the other spots and see if he still grabs for it. He does. No matter where the monkey goes he grabs it down and leaves the other two. I guess this is just my first realization that my baby has preferences and likes and dislikes. Funny that baby is!

Adam is starting to look at Music therapy as a possible future for him. He has talked to a few people and plans to go sit in on a session next week. It is excited for him to be looking at something new for his life. He has been unsettled in his current job for at least the last two years. He is spending more time in music and I believe it is truely a magical way for him to express his creative side.

I love my family, Praise be to God

Things are going fast and furious. Laike is starting to really show his personality. He is a lot like Adam in so many ways. He is so quiet when around new people or in new situations. However when he is a lone he loves to laugh and be tickled. He is such a sweet and pleasant boy. He is so cuddly. When I get him up from his nap he loves to snuggle in for a minute before I change his diaper. He doesn't really cry very often. He does when he is hungry or tired but that is about it. We are gearing up for me to start my internship. I will desperately miss being away from him and having to have someone else care for him. I know it is for the best in the long run. My friend Rachel is going to watch him which makes things a little better but it still isn't me and that is hard. I gave him banana for the first time yesterday. He liked it. He had been watching intently as we ate and started acting like he was starving so i decided to give him a taste. His face lit up when he tasted it. I guess he loves food just like me! Well i guess that is the best update I have

I am finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. All these classes will soon come to an end. I have two weeks left of course work, which includes text book reading, papers, and projects. I'm so over it. The nice thing is that at the end of this series of classes I will have a vacation. It will be so nice to be with my family in Northern Michigan. Kelsie and Kyle are coming up with their family and my parents also rented a place on the Lake. I am hoping this will become a tradition. I have fallen in love with michigan and it is all i can do to get my family to as well. I must say I miss having family. I am constantly trying to build relationships and I am realizing it is a lot more work then it has ever been before. However, i talk to my sister every day and I talk to my parents most days and it just makes me wish we were all closer. Not to mention I am desperate for childcare help, during my internship, and I know my mother would love the opportunity to be with Laike 2 days a week. ugh it makes me sick to think of someone else with my baby.

On another note i am running again which is wonderful. i am finally back to the distance I was at pre pregnancy. I am ready to push myself now. i would love to be able to get out 5 mornings a week and run 3 miles at a time but for now I will recognize the success of 3 times a week at 2 miles.

Laike is doing wonderfully. He is my little buddy. i love to hear him laugh and see him smile. He is engaging really well. sometimes we think he is older then he is and must take a step back and recognize he is still only 4 months old. I love him beyond words. A friend let me borrow her exersaucer and i have been letting him explore this. He is still really small for it but he does engage it a little bit.

Anyway, i suppose this is all for now! peace

i am in a very good place right now. Yesterday we went to lake michigan with Laike. I had so much fun. We were honestly only there an hour or so but wow i was so relaxed. I swam in the lake for the first time since i moved here, which is sad i know. I have put my feet in before but it was always so cold that I never actually swam in it. Yesterday it was 75 degrees in the water and it was wonderful. Laike also put his feet in but was relatively apathetic the whole experience. I on the other hand was aware of how blessed i am. I have this beautiful body of water at my disposal, a wonderful husband who loves me and a precious baby that I get to watch as he grows. I am so blessed beyond what I deserve. My sister in law recently was in a nooma video where she talks about gratitude. " if everything that we have at any moment can be taken a way, or rather can be gone, than it was never really ours to begin with, it is all a gift" Thank God for the gifts, the blessings and amazing things that I have to enjoy in this life. I am in awe of his generosity and so gracious that he is allowing me to partake in this wondrous life.

My baby is the joy of my life. He is now 3 months old and it seems like he is changing so much everyday, probably because he is. He is smiling and talking so much now. When he talks he is so expressive. He loves his dad. He looks at adam as if he is mesmerized by him. Adam does not have to do much to make him laugh, smile or talk. It is wonderful to see them interact. I lvoe my family! I am seeing more and more of Laike's personality. He is very focused and will concentrate hard on something for a long time. He tends to get a bit impatient when he has to wait for food but luckily I dont' make him do that too mcuh. I've been pretty annoyed that i can't be home with him constantly. My schedule is picking up now that I have class on mondays Tuesdays and wednesdays. I have been working with a family through my internship and that has been taking up time and I've been doing a group on thursday mornings. I really do enjoy working, I find it satisfying but I also love being home with my baby. Maybe I should look at this as a blessing. when I am gone Adam gets time with Laike and that has been good for Adam, Laike and I. I believe in the Fall things will feel a little more normal. I will work 20 hours a week and it will be consistent. Adam will be home with Laike on Mondays and we will have someone come to our house for a half day on wednesdays and a full day on thursdays. I believe we have found a nanny to come. We met her last week and she seems to be a gift from God. Her name is Spring and she seems to have everything I have been praying for. When I called her references they encouraged me so much about using Spring to care for Laike. One lady told me that Spring prays for the children she works with. I hope it works out for her to come. Well i am off to take Laike to the doctor for his 3 month shot. poor baby.

It has been two months today since i went in to labor, two months tomorrow since my life has been changed with a precious baby boy. I can't describe how happy I am that my son in now apart of our family. We love him so much. If feels so complete to have him here, like he was always meant to be. i love watching how Adam and I begin to fit more into the role of parents. I guess i am more watching him become a father, it is a beautiful thing. I know i am also becoming a mother, but some how it is hard to watch that happen to me, it just feels like it was always meant to be. Laike is now interacting and playing, smiling and laughing (more so at Adam than at me but i still love it when he does it) He is starting to develop somewhat of a schedule. He is still waking up two times at night but i think i am just getting used to a lack of sleep. I am still taking classes one night a week right now. I hate to leave him but knowing it is only a couple of hours makes it better. Soon I will be in classes three nights a week and that will suck. I am supposed to start my internship in the fall and i am dreading it completely. I still haven't found a place for Laike to go for the 12 hours that I will need someone to watch him. But I am earnestly praying that something wonderful happens and it all works out. I know it will only get harder as he gets old to want to be away from him, because i have seen already that every day i fall more in love with Laike and with being a stay at home mom. Adam and I went up to the lake this weekend and had a really good time with each other and with family. I wish so bad that my family was close to me that we could share special occasions together. Since i can't have my own family with me right now I am blessed that Adam's family has definitely become mine as well. I am so blessed, Thanks be to God!

I am a mother. It is amazing. There are honestly not words to describe the change that has taken place in my life. I love this little boy more than words can express. I woke up on Friday morning April 2 more ready to have this baby then I ever thought I would be. Adam and I talked about how perfect it would be to have this baby on that day. In fact back in January I had circled Friday April 2 (good Friday) as the perfect day to go into labor. So I got up and around 9 am I started having regular contractions. Adam was timing them and they were lasting about 30 seconds and happening ever 3 or 4 minutes. He went to work around 10 knowing that he may have to come home early. I had a midwife appointment at 10:30am so My mom and I went to that expecting that they would tell me to relax and probably later tonight I would go to the hospital. I went to the appointment and it felt like forever before they would see me. They didn't have me down on the schedule to see the midwife but only to have a Non stress test. I eventually went in for the test and asked the nurse if I would see the midwife. She said that most likely I would see her but I wasn't in the schedule. My contractions picked up and I was starting to get irritated that no one was seeing that I was in labor. After about an hour and a half Gail (the midwife) came into see me. She asked if my contractions were regular and I told they were about 4 minutes apart and lasting for about 45 seconds. She asked me if I thought I was in labor and My mom said "yes I think she is". When Gail checked my cervix I was 5 cm and she told me that I need to go to the hospital. I told her that all my stuff was at home and I needed to go home and wait for Adam to come. She told me that I should just have Adam get my things and I should go straight to the hospital. I was worried that I wouldn't have a chance to eat anything at the hospital and I wouldn't have the energy to go through with the labor. So my mom went through the drive thru at Wendy's and I had a chicken sandwich. We went home and Adam was already there. We got our things together and went to the hospital. At the hospital I was able to get into triage rather quickly. Once I was there they monitored the baby for a couple of hours to make sure he was okay. It took so long because his heart rate wasn't as active as they hoped. Finally they put me in a room and I was able to get comfortable. I got in the jet tub and that was extremely relaxing. My contractions were slower at this point and so we all just hung out. Gail came to the room and talked with me about some of my options. She told me that we could break my water and that would speed things up. I told her I was not ready for that and I wanted to see if things would pick up on their own. IT was about 5pm and Gail told me to get some food and try to move around a bit to make things faster. It was probably around 8:30pm when things really started to change. I could tell my contractions were more intense and I was getting less of a break in between. Gail came back and we decided that she would come back at 9:30 or 10 and if my water hadn't broken we would do it then. When she came back I was definitely ready for things to get going. I was getting tired and knew that unless we did something I would be in labor FOREVER. When Gail checked me I was still 5 to 6 cm. As soon as he checked my water broke. It felt really good to have the water break. It was soothing. HOwever, then things were HELL. I didn't have more then 5 seconds before I felt like the contractions were overtaking me. I tried to use my breathing and Adam would squeeze my hips as I got through each contraction. The worst part was laying down and while they monitored the baby. My mom would put cool wash cloths on my face. It was a team effort to get through each pain. Eventually the contractions were so bad and I needed more pressure on my hips. My mom was on one side pushing on a hip and Adam was on the other. I pictured myself as a ketchup bottle with the baby being squeezed out. Around 12 I told everyone that i felt pressure and wanted to push. Gail asked if I was getting the urge to push. I said "I WANT TO PUSH" she said "that didn't answer my questions but lets see where you are. I was 9 3/4 cm and she told me I could push. We began pushing which was better. I felt like i was actively doing something to get the baby out rather than just handling the pain. Gail had me moving around and changing positions to try and push in different ways. Finally around 2:02 am our beautiful Laike Michael was born. Because there had been meconium in the amniotic fluid the neonatal people had to come and suction the fluid out of his lungs. I did not get to hold him right away but was more focus on making sure he would be okay. Finally they gave the baby to Adam while they made sure the excessive bleeding that I was having would stop. I was finally able to hold my baby while I waited to be stitched. I had a pretty terrible rip that needed to be repaired. I loved holding my baby for the first time. He was so precious. I could not believe he had actually fit inside of me. I was quite amazing just to start at him. I felt the immense blessing and Grace that God had shown to me through this miracle. I won't write about the stitching because that is definitely a part that I never want to remember!.

So now Laike is home. It has been a week and 1 day since he was born and life is amazing. Adam and I are amazed at him. Everything he does down to his hiccups is the greatest thing. We love him, we are so happy to have him and can't wait to see how he changes our lives one day at a time.

I honestly cannot believe I am about to have a baby. These last weeks have really thrown me into some what of an emotional roller coaster and honestly a bit of denial about the whole thing. since I quit my job two weeks ago school has really picked up. Just like me, to get rid of one thing just to throw myself into another. The first week off of work I did do my best to get the baby's room ready. Not that I have any clue how to do that but as i said, i did my best. I rushed around cleaning the house and going shopping to get what I still needed in order to bring a baby into the house. I also spent many hours at school trying to work on completing as many papers and projects as i can so i don't have to worry about it later. It doesn't help that this has been the hardest semester i have had yet. So needless to say with all the busyiness i must have worked myself into stress i was not aware of. Last week when i went to my midwife appointment my blood pressure was 144/ 92 and there was protein in my urine and my reflexes were hyperreactive. My midwife was worried. She gave me a nonstress test and ordered labs to check out why these things were happening. Their initial thought was that i was developing preeclamsia. By the time i left the office my blood pressure was 102/ 70 and the non stress test came back normal. however, i was restricted to moderate bed rest and told to stay off my feet as much as possible or, if the symptoms persist, they would induce. AHHHH i freaked out, induce me???? I am not ready for that, i don't want that, i have too many things to do before the baby comes I CAN"T BE INDUCED!!!! So i followed the rules and only got on my feet to make quick meals and go to class. Happily i can say that yesterday i went to the doctor and all of my labs were normal, my blood pressure is back to normal and there were no more threats of induction. I am still required to stay off my feet as much as possible and only do things that are low stress. Apparently i am not aware of what stresses me out because i didn't even know i was stressed. I can assume that a big part of my stress is coming from the unknown of having a baby, my family changing and doubts of my ability to do it. In my head i tell myself i can, but in honesty i would be lying if i didn't say i have major major doubts. I tell myself it is normal to doubt and i believe that, but i must keep positive about this. I am getting excited about bringing a baby home however, with this also comes more stress because i still cannot just focus on my baby. How i wish school was over and i did not have to go to class until i knew i was capable. But I will only be able to miss a couple classes and then it is back to reality. I DON"T WANT THAT. I want the enjoyment of getting to know my son and truely embracing the experience, but i feel like i am not given that opportunity and I am going to miss out. So my mind is flooded with questions of How am i going to do it all? I don't want to do it all anymore, i want to be able to focus on my baby, i don't give a damn about school right now but i dont know how to let it go. OH God help me! Some how i know it will work out but i just wish i didn't have so many worries about it. Any, it is good for me to journal about this, hopefully it will relieve someone of my anxious feelings!

So I want to write this down so I remember it. I am usually not one who reads into external signs however, we have been struggling lately with what to name our baby. I feel like it is such a big decision and I don't want to take it lightly. I have been reading in the bible about all the names that God gave to parents for their children. So i wondered why God hadn't given me a name. Anyway, I was thinking today while i was driving around about what his name should be. One of the names that we have been thinking about is Laike. It is such an unusual name that I have been nervous about it. The reason behind this name is that every major evet in Adam and my life has been by a lake, or water. Our first date was by the lake, he proposed by water, we were married by the lake, we found out about our baby by the lake. Its really just been a significant symbol in our relationship in multiple ways. So I was driving around, like i said, and i pass a mini van that had a blue sign in the windsheild that had big bold letters, LAKE. It is a random weird thing that happened and I just wanted to write it down so i remember. Still no official name is set but definitely something to think about.

I have been feeling really good these last few weeks. I have been still feeling extremely tired but I feel things are manageable. People keep telling me that the last trimester is usually pretty tough so I am enjoying what I have while I have it. Sleep at night has been difficult but i have managed to find ways of getting rest when I need it. I have been really busy at work which has worked to be a focus for me. When things were slow I was so focused on how I was feeling that maybe being busy is what has helped me. I am taking classes too which has also increased my focus on things outside of myself.

We finally finished the basement which is so nice. Adam, i know, is so happy that it is finally done. We have begun to move things out of (what will be) the baby's room. We got the crib and changing table a few days ago. Still in the box but at least they are here.

Things have been good lately. Adam and I are focusing on each other a lot these days and communicating alot about how our life will change for the better as well as, things that we will have to adjust. It is actually really exciting to see how both of us have changed over the last few months. Our view on this transition in general has progressed from being completely freaked out to being accepting and honest about the joys that this will bring. It is honestly a humbling experience for me to see how God is changing me emotionally, spiritually, and physically as I prepare to give birth to a new life. Amazing, how honored i am that I am used in this way.

We have been going to Mars hill lately, since our church has recently shut its doors. It has been so much of what i need. I've never been one to think that a church service is going to give me completely what I need but i have felt much more connected to God, my husband and my friends. I have also felt much more connected to my son. Well enough for now!

I am now officially feeling mammoth. People keep telling me that I look smaller than 6 months but what do they really know. I feel completely huge. I am currently sitting at work thinking about all the things I need to do when I stand up because I don't want to have to stand up again unless I have to. When I walk I feel every ligament from my stomach to my butt. It really is uncomfortable. The tightness i feel around my belly make me imagine the stretching that must take place for my little guy to have room. It is a miracle yes but an uncomfortable one. My daily routines have developed more struggle. To turn on my computer at work I must manuver my toe to reach the power button. I have christmas lights attached under my desk and I often kick the plug, which turns them off. So instead of bending down to turn them back on I must, again, manuver my foot to put the plug back in the socket. No one tells you about this stuff. I am writing it down so that I will know for next time. I am so happy beyond words that I am blessed to have this experience. But for the record, I will be beyond relieved once my baby is here in my arms. May i make it one day at a time, till my healthy baby boy can breath fresh air and I can see his face!

Mondays are always so dreary, no matter if the sun is shining or not. Today is probably more so because Adam and i just got back from an amazing weekend and I did not want to go back to work. We decided that we needed a little get away to spend time together since those moments will soon be few. we went to a bela fleck show on Friday after a nice dinner. Then we stayed the rest of the weekend at a bed and breakfast is sagatuck. The room was gorgeous. It was over looking the lake which was pretty. our room had a fire place and a jacuzzi. It was so nice to just be together without any other demands. We woke up saturday with an amazing breakfast then we spent the morning walking around town trying to do some christmas shopping. We each ending up getting a book for ourselves and doing some wine tasting. We only ended up crossing one person off the Christmas list but we had fun. Then we came back to the inn and played a game with popcorn and hot chocolate. then I spent some time in the jacuzzi which I realized made all the uncomfortable pregnancy feelings go away. It is amazing how relaxed water can make a person feel. Anyway, the weekend continued with good food, good music, and wonderful conversation between Adam and I. I truely love him beyond words!

We had our ultra sound last Tuesday. It was so amazing. We found out that we are having a boy! I am so excited, I know I would have been excited either way but I was just so happy when she said we were having a boy. It is fun now to begin to imagine what he will look like or how he will act. It is nice that I can call him a "HE" rather than it. I feel him moving so much and it is so crazy to know that he is growing and developing. We need to begin to prepare a bedroom for him. We are working on finishing the basement and have not really had much time to think about baby stuff. We have been having a lot of car problems and really need to get a new car before baby comes. I know that Adam has so much to think about and does not have much time to do so. I have school and work and also don't have much time to focus. I will be happy when I can be finished with work and focus on preparing for our son.

We had Thanksgiving last week. It was so great to spend time with family. we were with Adam's parents and Grandma on Thanksgiving day then we went to Kelsie's for the rest of the weekend. Rachel came and spend the weekend with us also. It was nice to be with my sisters. kelsie is also pregnant and it has been so nice to be on this journey with her.

Now it is time to think about Christmas. I am pretty excited to decorate for Christmas. I think I will do that this weekend!

Why do I still feel like I am living somewhere between about to throw up and starving my face off? Just when I think things are getting somewhat doable I start to feel like crap again. I have had so much pain recently. I know it is just gas pain but it sucks that there is only one way to get rid of it. I've also felt this baby kicking me a ton, which is something that I find really funny. I wish so bad Adam could enjoy that part of it. Right now he is just stuck with a complaining lazy wife. This morning I took Teva for a walk and that was really nice. I am so thankful that it is still so beautiful outside this late in November. I am looking forward to this week with family. We are going to Indiana on Wednesday and will celebrate thanksgiving with Adam's parents and grandma. Then we will go to Columbus to spend time with my sisters and family. It will wonderful to have a break.

I'm 21 weeks now and I'm really feeling good. The baby is moving a lot and it is exciting to think about how it is growing. I'm so excited for when the baby finally comes. I'm not truly a fan of being pregnant, i am most excited about watching the development of this baby after it is born. I've always been completely intrigued with child development and it is completely crazy to me that I will soon be watching my own son or daughter grow up. crazy really.

I am totally sick of my job, i will be so happy when I can be done with this phase of my life and focus on raising this baby and going to school and becoming a counselor. I struggle with this because I have always told myself to be fully present in my experiences. What i am trying to be fully present to is my life as it is now and with my husband. It is difficult though because i rarely see him and I feel like i just fly through the weeks looking forward to the next thing. It will be so nice to have some time off at Thanksgiving to spend time with my family and get away for a little bit.

I'm struggling so much lately with providing good food for my family. I know adam is getting tired of me throwing together things at the last minute. I need to be more intentional with this, but i really feel like I have no time to do this. I will work at this.

I am committing to saying that I am starting to feel better. In 3 years when I look back on this and if I am blessed enough to be pregnant again this may give me some hope. I did throw up this morning and I would give anything to have a nap. None the less, i think I am on the up swing. The last 4 or 5 days have been excellent. I was able to take Teva out for a nice walk and really enjoy the pleasures of my favorite time of year. The hardest part lately is that I have had no time with my husband. Since i am in class most nights and he doesn't get out of work until late, we have not been seeing much of one another. It makes me sad that this seems to be how things end up once couples start to have kids. I am determined to fight against it however, it is no ones fault, it just is what it is. This weekend I look forward to time alone with him. It is Halloween and I get so excited about being home and passing out candy. This may seem childish, but I have never had this privileged and now I revel in it. I plan on making chili having a fire and waiting for scary little kids to knock on my front door. Crazy holiday really, but fun none the less.

Today was an unexpected and very much needed day off. My car overheated this morning on my way to work so I had to get it in the shop. I was able to get some things done around the house and take a nap. Although I was still nauseous, it made it more bearable to be at home and have all I need near by. Work has become such a pain lately. Not only am I extremely bored because i don't have much to do, but I have lost all gusto for the job. Not to mention most of the time that I am there I feel like crap. I am also going to class 3 nights a week which makes for a very busy life. Anyway, today I actually spent time really focusing on what becoming a mother may be like. Not the things that everyone is telling me (late nights, painful breasts, and a changing identity). I've been focusing on the Me that will be changing into a parent. It is a beautiful thing really. I've been so scared that I will have to lose me and start wearing moo moos with snow men on them, but really this time is a natural change that I have always wanted to make and now it is happening. Adam and I really are at a good time in our lives for this. We have an amazing marriage and we are going to love this baby completely. I did a lot of reading and I really hope that my pregnancy and birth go as naturally as I want it too. This is a beautiful and messy journey, i just hope sickness leaves soon.

I feel like I have not been able to completely grasp what is happening to me right now. I have moments of awe where I think about what is growing inside of me. Adam and I heard the heart beat and it was honestly indescribable. Profound really. However, I have been getting so caught up in life that I haven't fully thought of the life inside of me. I am in school 3 nights a week and working full time. Work is stressful because my passion for being there is gone. I don't fully feel like myself either so I am not able to invest in the job like I used to. There is beauty and truth in all that is around me. God help me to daily find the AWE of what you are doing to me, my family, and the child I bear.

It is 2009, I am 26 and I am 12 weeks pregnant with my first baby. It has been quite and interesting 12 weeks. I got pregnant in July while I was really beginning get a handle on running. I was up to 3 miles which is quite a feet for this non athletic girl. I started feeling like my running was getting slower and harder rather than easier. I found out later that it was because i was pregnant. I found out while on vacation in Central lake for a week at the cottage with Adam. kelsie and fam were also there. Being pregnant came as quite a surprise. Adam and I have always wanted kids but thought we would start after i was finished with school and adam was more settled in a job of his choice. Life happens differently than we plan. We also found out that week that Kelsie is pregnant as well and probably due around the same time as me. This is extremely excited for both of us. As I began to feel sick I quickly believed that yes this is actually happening, I am actually going to be a mom. Naturally I was terrified. I've been a case manager for a year and a half now where a huge part of my job is helping people with parenting. What do i know about parenting? HOw will I do this? Lots of thoughts have been coming into my mind. How will adam and I parent together, How will I know what to do with an infant, how will I finish school, should i give up my work and passion and stay home, will adam get stuck in a job he only semi-moderately enjoys? So much to figure out. I have been pretty sick these last 12 weeks and running has not been a priority. I would like to be the pregnant woman who stays in shape through pregnancy and loses weight quickly however, i have been so tired that walking a couple days a week is good for me. I went and saw one doctor who i was not impressed with. I am not sure I want this to be a total medical experience for me. Yet, i don't want to do a homebirth like kelsie did with Francis. I have since found a midwife who I think is going to be the balanced approach to this for me. Actually so far I have just met with the nurse and she answered so many of my questions and helped me to realize that this is something that as a woman I was created to do and I can do it. I have started to gain a little weight, about 4 pounds and most of my clothes still fit although my body is definitely changing already. My mom bought me maternity clothes when I was in NS and it was hard for me to get my head around the idea that I will fit into those clothes. Anyway, it is a crazy time but I am excited. God's timing has been different than mine in the past and has always come out more amazing than I can imagine. So thank God for his timing and may I have a beautiful and blessed baby!

it was gross, it was messy, it was scary but it was beautiful. Francis Xavier was born yesterday morning at 545 am and i was blessed to watch the whole experience from start to finish. My sister was amazing as she struggled to find how to cope with the immense pain she was feeling. I saw in her face strength that was beyond her. She was scared at first, she was unsure but as the pain got harder and the contractions more frequent she pushed herself to a place that most people don't know is possible. By the time she was finally pushing and the head was showing I had more respect for my big sister than I ever thought I could. I am so proud to say I witnessed that amazing miracle of my nephew coming into the world. What an amazing thing!

It is pretty crazy to think about all that has happened since my last entry. I can't even begin to think about where I've been I'm just happy about where I am. today was an amazing day. yesterday was thanksgiving. Kelsie, Kyle and the kids came to visit our new place in michigan and spend thanksgiving as well as a few days. I have been thinking alot about who my niece and nephew are to me and what I what them to see me as. When I was in kyrgyzstan I desperately wanted to be closer to them in a way where they would see me as an aunt rather then only see me as their mommy's sister. I couldn't imagine the thought of them not knowing who i am when i got back. Today was a day where i felt like i was building relationships with my niece and nephew. With canaan it is totally different then i thought it would be. Thats been hard for me. I want so bad for him to know how much I care about him and to know how much I am cheering for him. He is a strong and beautiful boy I have never known anyone like him. Magnolia is a trip. I love her so much. She makes me laugh constantly. IT is amazing to see a 19 month old with so much personality. The girl knows what she wants. I love watching her figure life out.

I have realized in the last two months how much i need to be in relationship with people. I believe that is how God designed it. I believe that he loves watching us love each other and develop amongst each other. i love being near family and living with good people.

Recently we have been so blessed. we are living with Ed and Lorna Dobson. They has a community house where we live with them and Matt and Stephanie. I think it will be a growing experience. Living in community with people you don't know well is definately different. But the way we got this place to live was such provision from God. i really believe that God is meeting our needs. It is amazing because i think about how God meets our needs one mouth full at a time. In my head I am constantly trying to figure out what will be next. when will i go to school, when we will get a house, when will we have kids. meanwhile we spent 4 months in kyrgyzstan growing in ways we never knew were possible, moving to michigan, moving into a community house and getting jobs way faster than we thought. God is providing for our every need. I am so thankful in so many ways for the life that I am living. I am trying so hard to live presently. To know that God is meeting my needs and I do not need to have any worries. Just today.

Thanks be to God

We have been so busy, We just got back from a great visit to nova scotia sunday. We were supposed to get home on saturday but the flights were delayed so we have lost sometime in packing. Sunday night we had a really nice get together with all our friends from nashville. We have been so blessed through the relationships we have had with them. Yesterday we spent all day running around and packing up the truck, special thanks to craig who helped us move all of our unreasonably heavy furniture. We are now laying on our living room floor in sleeping bags on an air mattress hoping the rest of our stuff will just jump into the truck and we will be on our way. We really don't have too much more to do.

We have about two weeks till we leave. It still doesn't seem real which is not good since it IS REAL. we are excited and nervous about all the changes we will be making. I wish i knew more. i feel like i have read everything i can find and yet still I just dont know what my life will look like. We are hoping to send out mass emails more than writing on here so if you are reading this and I don't have your email, and you want to keep up with our journeys in Kyrgyzstan send me an email to atraythompson@gmail.com. We may write notes in here but it is usually safer to write emails. Please pray for us as we make these final goodbyes and prepare for our two years of service to the Kyrgyzstan people

peace..

I am sitting here looking around my house as there are empty places where "things" once were. Things we rarely used, things we thought we definitely needed, things that in two years became objects where clutter piled up. Now i look around and with the "things" gone most of the clutter has found new places to pile up. I am thinking about my life and how soon the "things" that have piled up in my life will be faint memories. The "Things" that we think we need or think we can not live without so easily gone and not missed. Adam and I have wanted a simple life however things still seem to creep in. I suppose on some level we wanted these things or believed they were needed.

Although there are many who don't know why we are choosing to leave this comfort for two years and go to a place we had never even thought of before the peace corp, we know we are doing the right thing. Yes we also have our apprehensions. I will be the first to say that right now a house in the country, near a lake in michigan sounds mighty nice. When I let myself I can almost smell the beauty and the refreashing secnt in michigan. The idea of a big back yard and all the animals I can think of running around. Yes that sounds wonderful. I know it would be a lie to say that I am doing this because there is nothing i can think or wanting more. However what I do want most is to connect. I want to be a source of Change. I want to be apart of something right and good. I know that moving to michigan and settling in close with family in friends would also be a beautiful experience and I believe that one day when I receive that blessing I will thank God for every fresh lake breath I take. Right now thats not what we are called to. Right now we are called to be avenues of change by way of meeting people and loving people. God gives us choices and I know he would be equally happy with Adam and I whether we chose to live in Michigan or serve our two years in Kyrgyzstan. Since I was little I always wanted to make the most of the life that I was blessed with. I was blessed with loving parents who allowed me to make my own choices, mistakes and struggles. The times that I remember struggling I remember them right there with me holding my hand and gently encouraging me to do what I believed was the best and right thing to do. This is what led me to the many joys I have been blessed with. I was taught to have courage in myself and to believe that there was a greater Voice that was guiding me. I have been blessed I know that. Now I want to be a blessing. I do not know the people of Kyrgyzstan, I do not know what they love or what they hate. I know that through this I will learn I will grow and I will bring back with me "THINGS" that I never would have had. These are the types of "things" I crave in life. These are the types of "things" that I want to share. These are the "things" worth giving. Stay with us while we take this journey.

well It is official, although I know a few who are reluctant to accept, that Adam and I will be leaving for Kyrgyzstan with the Peace Corps July 5 2007. Kyrgyzstan is a country located on the west side of China. It is a small country about the size of maybe Tennessee not too much bigger. It is a very Mountainous country. I will be a Healthy promotion specialist and adam will be working with Non governmental organizations doing buisness and community development. We have been spending our time reading about the country and culture as well as finishing some paperwork that must be sent out. Today we had a yard sale and it was a start on getting rid of some of our stuff. We have just over two weeks of work left then we travel to Nova Scotia to see The Willoughby family who i miss so much and the beautiful Meyers babies. we are then coming back to Nashville to say our goodbyes to our good friends here and pack up everything to move to Michigan. We are very much looking forward to see the Thompson's as well as the new baby Owen. we hope to relax during this month are take as much in of our friends and family as we can before we leave for 2 years. Even writing that is send chills down my spine. Who know what our lives and the lives of our family will look like in two years. It seems like all around on both sides of the family there is transition going on or soon to be happening while we are gone.

we are not sure how much we will be able to write or post while we are over in Kyrgyzstan. I know that blogs sometimes frowned upon. We will either write here or compile a list of email addresses so that we can send out mass emails.

We are so looking forward to knowing this culture, land and language. we know that we will be affect immeasurable while we are gone. Please pray for us that our preparations go smoothly. We shall be keeping in touch

peace...

We have now been completely medically cleared for Peace Corps service. We are waiting for an invitation packet that will tell us where, when and what we will be doing. This process has been so fast. we turned in our application in December and are now planning on leaving this summer. This is so fast and so exciting. We are actually enjoying the excitement of the whole process. Alot of peace corps volunteers have had some major horror stories related to the medical and dental clearance and we had smooth sailing through it all. we have definately been blessed with a easy process. We are expecting to get invited to a country somewhere in Asia, Eastern Europe, Middle East or North Africa. We shall see. Once we get our invitation this will probably move even faster because we will have so much to do. We are hoping to sell all our stuff except a few things and move what we have to michigan. We want to visit both my family and Adams and spend some quality time before we leave for our 27 month adventure. Knowing that my life will most likely be very different in 3 months or less is quite exciting and to be honest it is a little scary. I am so happy about all that is going on in our families lives and know that they as well will be encountering many new experiences in the next two years. My sister kelsie and family are starting a new phase in their life in Kentucky where I know they never really expected to be. Kyle seems to have a job that fits him perfectly where I know he will be growing and learning. The kids are growing up so very fast and to think that Canaan will be in school and maggie will be 3 when I get back is just the craziest thing. Adam's sister Amy is about to give birth and that baby will be 2 when we get back. Adam's parents will probably be retired and starting a new adventure and journey in the next two years. Alison will be who knows where but surely doing fun and exciting things as she always is. However, we know that we are at a point in life where this is what we want and know that we will regret if we don't take the opportunity. who knows what we will come back to here in america and whre our lives will lead us but for now we know we will be serving as best as we can somewhere that is not here.

We have finally finished all of out medical and dental information and have sent it all in. We received dental clearance which is exciting. We received notice that our medical packets are in review but it may still be a while before we hear back whether we are cleared or not. We are still very much hoping for Jordan but also we know that Peace corps doesn't always pick countries based on where you want to go. Our packets have not yet been reviewed by our placement officer so we don't know if he knows yet or not that we want to go to jordan. We may remind him that that is our first choice. We are both get very excited about where this will all lead. The more we learn and the more we read the more excited we get. Things seem to be going so smoothly so far. Everything from the nomination to our medical tests have gone really easily. We are continueing to pray for a smooth ride. As we get closer we both feel confirmation that this is what we need to do at this time in our lives.

Well I shall keep you posted as I get posted.

Well we are still in the process of venturing to the Peace Corp. I'm not really sure if I have posted about this but needless to repeat we are. We received an email late friday evening telling us that a program was interested in nominating us in Central Asia. We were both very excited because we thought it would be a lot longer before we heard any word about leaving. Our problem now is that we have many questions and our recruiter seems to be out of town for the week... perfect timing. What we know so far is that we will be in the process of getting our medical clearances which supposedly is the longest and most frustrating part. We were told that we should be prepared to leave in July. Now our question still remains as to whether it is this july or July of 08. We are believing that things will come together and that it will all be in God's perfect timing. Adam was nominated to do Business Advising and I to do Health Extention (education on healthy aspects of life and development). Both of these seem to be good fits but again we have been consistently reminded that flexibility is the key. We may think we know what is going on and then be surprised that something totally different could actually be happening. If we are actually to be leaving in July of this year we definately have a lot to prepare for not only with getting our lives moving in that direction but also mentally preparing ourselves to be in service for two years in another country. We are in the process though which is more than exciting.

So we await patiently (well as patiently as we can)

It has been a while since i've written. THings have been good. Work has been pretty stressful. Our administrator just past a new law that says that we have to except every patient that calls. We used to be able to say no to those who had a history of serious aggression or people with a history of sexual abuse. Now we have to take them all which has made my job really stressful. The past two days we have had major encounters with two kids who each time we had to wrestle with him for and hour before he calmed down. its been tiring. I need a break I think. Just a short one so i can regroup. I will get a weekend off over christmas eve but i have to work on christmas. Maybe it is just because it is the holidays but it has been exhausting. My class at school is finally over. I must say that this has been the worst class experience I have had in a long time. My teacher was not professional. I think I got an A in the class so that is worth it all i guess. I am so excited because Adam and I are going to Louisville next monday and tuesday to have christmas/adam's birthday with kelsie and the family. I'm so missing those kids.

Adam and I have just finished filling out our application for the peace Courp. We definately make a lot of big decisions don't we. We have been talking about this for a while. We actually started the application last may and we put it off because of school. Since school did not work out we went back to this idea which really feels like it would be right for us. There are a lot of steps to this process and it would probably be no less than a year before we would go. But we are enjoying the process. Tonight we have both of our work Christmas parties to go to and Adam has a show. It will be a busy night. Tomorrow we have another christmas party. It is a "ugly christmas sweater" party for our friends. One of our good friends is moving back to his home town in SC so we will be saying good bye to him.

I tell the kids at work all the time about writing and how it is therapuetic. I feel bad that I have gotten out of the habit because sitting down and doing this has been the best thing i've done all day. I haven't even made any profound statements or I haven't processed any thing major in life but just putting my concerns out there is really healing.. WEIRD! Well I guess now that i've voiced my life to you i should go get ready for my busy evening. MERRY CHRISTMAS

IT IS 65 DEGREES HERE.... IT DOESN"T FEEL LIKE CHRISTMAS AT ALL

My parents are here!!!! They came friday evening and are here till tomorrow. It is so good to be with them. I know I miss them when they are not here and when they come it is even more obvious how refreashing and enjoying it is to see them and spend quality time with them. I am so excited that they finally got to see my home and my cat. We spent yesterday shoping and then went out for a nice meal last night. Today we are getting ready to go to church and will probably relax most of the evening. We may try building a fire in the fire place. I know that I am definately blessed with wonderful parents. I know I am loved and supported and valued. It is nice to know that your parents are proud of you. I wish so much that I could see them more often and that every time I see them I am not in a new place with a new life. I feel they are getting a glimpse of my life here in nashville, which will hopefully be shortlived. They are amazing people, my parents, and I thank God every day for the values they have instilled in me and the joy I have had being apart of such a loving family. Daily, I see kids who do not have the security and support of a stable, Godly family, so it is easy for me not to forget how blessed that I am. It has been a wonderful weekend. It is great to see them.

I'm sitting here in my chair watching my favorite talk show host, ellen, with a cup of tea. I think it is the perfect time to write although I really don't know what to write about. I have been feeling sick the last couple of days but today was a good day I actually am feeling a little better and was able to go to the gym and get through a whole workout. I didn't have to work today or yesterday but tomorrow I am doing a double, that should be fun. I worked wednesday and we had a patient who was very angry and aggressive. I hope either that she is no longer aggressive and we can do some therapuetic interventions, or that she has moved on to a place where she can find help. I don't like when patients are aggressive. SOme people that I work with like the whole, take down and give them a shot- bit, but i would rather live with out it. maybe i'm a chicken but i would much rather sit and do some counseling then wrestle someone to the ground. I guess everyone has things they dislike about their job. All in all I love my job more then I have ever imagined. I actually feel like I am growing so much in what i know, I am wanting to know more. I like this unit so much better because i feel connected to the kids. I didn't really think that i would enjoy working with adolescents as much as i do, but man i love it. I really do still want to go back to school to get my masters in School Counseling but If I can't until we have the money and the right opportunity then I am happy at my job. Adam is enjoying his job, he is honestly making really good money which is kind of surprising. It is really hard because we want to move back to michigan because we really don't like living in tn and away from our family. We also miss Mars Hill (our church in michigan) more than we even thought we would. The problem is that we both have really good jobs here that we enjoy but those jobs aren't really being offered in michigan. I believe that God will provide and open the door but i tend to get antsy and impatient about such things. Some time i have to remember to enjoy where I am. Rob Bell talked about how when Elisha was on top of the mountain waiting for God to reveal himself there was stillness. Sometimes we are constantly thinking about whats on the otherside of the mountain, or how long it will take to get to the top of the mountain and then back down that we never are still at the top of the mountain. We are constantly worried about "whats next" that the precious moments we encounter everyday miss us because we don't stop and enjoy where we are right now. So today I am chooseing to be still and enjoy the rainy day in Nashville and take time for resting and opening my life for what God wants from me now while i'm in Nashivlle. It is very hard but I must make myself available for God's use or I may not recognize the Blessings I am recieving today. I am missing my family today because i know that they are all together in ironton. I wish so badly that I could have been with them. Its amazing how much family tends to mean as you grow up. I hear kids say on a daily basis how they wish their parents were dead and how they just want to run away from home. SOmetimes i wish I could just shake them and tell them how important their family is. Alot of these kids are in broken homes where the parents aren't very smart when it comes to family either, its sad to see. I am very excited to see mom and dad when they come through nashville on their way back home. I am glad they get to see my home here, and my kitty.

Well i guess i had more to write about then I thought, thanks for sharing this moment with me

I have not posted in a while but things are still going well here in good ol nashville tennessee. I am still really enjoying my job. I have learned a lot about intensive therapy with adolescents. The hard thing about the time of day that I work is that I am in school with the kids for most of the day. I only really get an hour or two to do some counseling. I would really like to go to evening shift because I would feel like I am able to have more interaction with the kids, the problem is that Adam works day shift so I would see less of him. So I have picked up more weekend days because this is also a time when I can do more counseling. The longer I am in this field and the more I learn the more confirmation I have that I am in the right field. This job makes me happy. These kids make me happy. They get very angry and they do a lot of stupid things and make some pretty bad decisions but they are so impressionable and they are still able to make good choices. I really feel like I would like to get my official Masters degree in either School counseling or Counseling Psychology. School Counseling is my first choice but the program that I really want to get into is at Western Michigan University. I could possibly go back to MTSU and continue but getting my degree in TN when I want to settle in Michigan doesn't make much sense to me. We discovered that Trevecca has a POST BACH program where, if you have a bachelors degree you can continue and get a degree in education by taking just a few more classes. He is thinking of doing that. We don't know... we are still confused. We know what we want we just don't know exactly the best way to get it. We are both so impulsive sometimes, which i suppose just shows how young we still are. We are seeking God and trying to find the answer. We really are not miserable by any stretch here in tennessee, but neither of us feel "at home". Any way that is the update here. thanks for reading.....

Life has changed for Adam and I. I had the awakening in class that I am in the wrong place. School Psychology was the program that I was beginning to study but it was completely not me. The program was teaching me to give tests. I would have become a person who analyzed and calulated statistics for tests. I want to be apart of kids lives, I want to help kids. I don't see myself as a tester but rather as a counselor. So I decided to quit my program. I guess this is so hard for me cause I am so hard on me. I've always told myself and been told that if I don't go to school right away than I am lazy and I'll never get it done. I admit I have been selfish, even in my marriage about this. Adam has always been supportive of me and my dreams and encouraged me that he would stand by my side no matter when or what I decide to do. However, I've constantly put a time limit on my life. I've done this sometimes completely knowledgable and sometimes just subconsciously. I've put my life on my agenda and I realize how wrong i've been. I've realized how much I have and will miss out on if i continue to do this. I'm constantly telling kids that their lives will turn out so much differently then they plan and they will be better for it. HOwever, I continue to plan. I feel the need to step back. I still have dreams and goals. I still want my degree, probably in School Counseling of some sort. However, now is not the time. Now there is something bigger. I know how desperately Adam dreams of his goals. We don't know what we will do but we are seeking direction.

I've had a fear lately of not getting my goals accomplished. I get so scared that Adam or I will die before we've done something great. I'm very aware of this fear and i'm constantly praying for peace about it. I was sitting in church and suddenly realized that I have this dream of the distant future and being something great. However, every single day i should be thinking about how i am going to be great to the girl who was raped by her father, or the girl whose mother dropped her off and never picked her up. I have a chance every day to be used divinely. Because of my selfishness I've missed out on these blessings. I've prayed for years that God would use me, that God would put me in a place to be used. I'm still praying for that; but i've missed the fact that he is using me. Every day I wake up is a blessing. God will direct me and God is directing me. Everything I do is for the glory of God and I need to stop focusing on what I have yet to accomplish and focus on the great things God is using me for now. Adam and I are thinking about alot of things. And I believe our ability to stop and breath will be more useful than we even know.

I am finally able to sit down to post. I never really have the time lately. Things are good though, i am happy. I have found that I am really enjoying working with adolescents man they are rough though. Mom and Dad I am sorry for everytime I ever rolled my eyes. ITs like when all else fails, even if they know their wrong you still get an eye roll ugh it drives me nuts. The thing i like about it is i don't have to deal with it. The people in my position on this unit pride themselves on being COunselors. Although I was supposed to be a counselor type figure on the other unit I was more a waitress i feel like. I had no authority to be therapeutic. On this unit the more intense i get with the kids and the more i make them work on what they are there for the better. Today we talked about a lot of issues like what makes us happy, what do we wish were different for us? It was good they responded well to is. I had been iffy on whether i really liked it or not till today. Honestly i think i was nervous about leading a group because i didn'tknow if i was capible of really telling these kids what they needed to do to make life better. Come to find out i can.

I have definately become busy with school. I am in the beginnings of it still so i haven't jumped into the really interesting stuff yet. It is good though just a lot of rules and regulations i need to know. I ran yesterday and it felt so good. Adam is trying to convince me we need to get rid of the gym pass because i'm so busy that i don't have time to use it, but after my run yesterday it was like an addiction i couldn't give up.

I feel bad for kelsie because i too have found joy and relief in running. Unless you are a regular excerciser you don't know this joy but i promise I am not athletic and I LOVE IT. A few guys at work have decided to run in the music city marathon in 2008. I'm not sure i can do the whole 26 miles but i am really going to try hard to do the half marathon. It would feel so good. Last summer I remember how hard i struggled just to get to a mile. Now i run at least a mile every time. I am growing and i can tell. I think it is exciting to watch progress. Whether physically, mentally or emotionally rewards are to be found in growth. I think that is why i keep going is because the pain of the present is nothing to be compared with the reward of the future. alright i think i'm getting to mushy, but i have definately motivated myself to go get my tennis shoes...

I am finally starting on all the things I have been waiting to do. However they have all seem to hit me at once. Yesterday was my first day of class. It was good to sit in a classroom again. I'm weird but i love school. Anyway... I am taking a deep breath and trying to look at all my classes in small chuncks. The thing that is different from grad school is that it is difficult when i live 45 min from campus plus I am pretty much my own motivator. The professors are already talking about thesis ideas which is a little scary. I'm excited though, it is refreashing to be learning about things i love. It may be hard to balance full time work and full time school and the love of my life, so pray for me and adam. This week adam is in michigan for his best friends bachelor party so my freaking out is between me and annie (my cat) and i know she doesn't care.

This weekend I am leaving for Wisconsin where the wedding actually is. It should be really fun. I think the wedding is outside and then the reception is on a boat. One neat thing about it is that they are getting married a day before we did. So we are celebrating out First Anniversary and they are getting married. We are really excited for them they are an amazing couple and amazing friends.

Next Wednesday is my first day with the adolescents. I'm finally moving to that unit at work. I am so excited. I have loved my experience working with addicts but my heart is not in it like it should be. I do love seeing peoples lives changed and watching them form from having the weight of the world on their shoulders to having release. It has just been difficult to relate.

It seems like change is ahead for all members of our family, even though we are stretched across the continent I am glad we have the chance to read excerpts from each others lives.

Well i must go now to the gym..... argh

I am starting to become anxious about the changes that are about to occur in my life. Starting school is very exciting for me. I feel ready to begin the next stage of my education. I'm a little nervous because iknow that this first semester is going to be challenging. I am on probation for my first 12 hours which means i have to remain a 3.5. It just makes me nervous that I have restrictions. I"m also in the same week making my transfer to the adolescent unit. I work about 45 minutes from where I go to school so it may be some what of a challenge to get to work on time unless I leave a little early. I'm just nervous. I almost hope now that I don't officially transfer till i've had sometime to adjust to classes. But I think it may happen all on the same day. I am extremely ready to change units i'm getting tired of Vita.

I had a wonderful time with my family. I just makes me wish I was closer to all of them. I am glad Kelsie and Kyle will be so close. I just hope i will get to see them as mucha s i want to. I love those kids. Canaan is amazing very much 2 years old and i think he is enjoying every minute of it. Maggie is beautiful. Such a little girl. It is amazing a much difference you can already see in their personalities. I love them.

Well today in my orientation at school so I should possibly feel a little more prepared at the end of the day.

Hey Kelse I ran yesterday and I felt awesome, I hope you did.

I am at a place where I am so much missing family and friends. I have so many people here who i suppose could qualify as friends but i miss that real genuine connection with them. It is hard for me to find someone who I can share with and have fun with. I want a friendship where I know that person really and truely cares about me. I've been in too many friendship where at the end of the day I feel so drained from their problems that I have nothing left to give to my own life. I've had good friends in my life that because of location and circumstance have drifted away. That saddens me. I guess i just miss "the girls" which up till now i've always had.

I am also deeply missing my family. I wish it were easy to be this far away from them but I have to admit it is not. I am anxiously counting down the days to see them in maryland. It will be so nice.

Adam is working tonight so i am going to enjoy my evening relaxing. I know I won't have too many more nights like this once school starts.

I guess it is time for me to make another post although i don't have a sweet children stories. Adam was supposed to drive across the country this week. he was hired by a family to drive there stuff to california while they flew. It seemed to be a good deal till they told us they didn't have the money to pay him then just quit calling. He's had some time on his hands since he had called off all week of work. He has spent that time killing fleas on annie as well as through out the house. Annie was so drugged she fell asleep for three hours and never moved. I hope to wretched flea don't come back. I think they bite me as much as they bite her... I hate itching. Adam also had two job interviews and actually got one of the jobs. However he later realized that the job he accepted was not really worth moving hotels so he didn't end up taking it. He has been picking up work around town from craigs list, which i think he really likes doing, it give some variety.

I have been getting anxious about my transfer to the adolescent and child unit. I am ready for the move and a different group of people to work with. I know more than even that my heart is for younger people. I do enjoy some aspects of working with adults but i really miss the younger kids and watching their development. I am also getting anxious about beginning school. Wow only 25 days away. I really hope I have the time and energy to invest all that i need to into this program, i really think it will be good for me. Everyone in a masters program say that the hardest thing to maintain are your relationships. Adam and I have already begun to discuss how we are going to continue investing in our relationship.

Things are going well. I can't wait to go to maryland and see my beautiful neice and nephew and swim in grams pool with them.

Today I did a double and I am feeling the affects of it as I sit here completely zoned out. I sat in on an AA meeting today and as the patients went around the room telling their stories or all they've been through and how they desperately want a new life i was moved. I find myself questioning their motives and knowing they are manipulating just to get their way. I was put in my place tonight As i heard a man who came from being homeless on the streets looking for the fastest fix to a place where he knows that know matter what life may bring only God can sustain his joy. I, first the first time in my life 7 months here realized what I am doing. I helping people to see the light at the end of their dark abyss. Some get it and some die, the ones who die are a lesson to the ones who live on to tell their story.

I talked to the lady from the adolescent unit and it is official that i will be moving over there. I am excited about working with that age group. I am torn because i also know how that age group can be. I think it will be good experience for me. I probably won't swith until august or so.

I have been doing VBS for the 4 and 5 year olds. It has been tough. THese kids have names i can't even begin to pronounce let alone remember and call out. And believe me if you get these kids name wrong they definately call you out. It is kind of funny. I am being stretched. I am trying to get adam to help me because i really need another person to help. So thats life here...

It has pretty much been the same thing around here. I've been working a lot trying to save extra money for school. I will be cutting down to only 32 hours while i am in school so i am trying to get enough in the bank to prepare for the bills to come. Adam has a boss who has decided to hire a lot of new people that they don't need which means adams hours have been cut. He is quite frustrated about it and trying to hire himself out for work. He's gotten a few offers to help with moving and painting and he likes this. It gives him variety and he loves work that is physical.

It's been hot here too hot....too hot to be outside. I miss michigan. I miss the lake and the boat. Adam and I went hiking and canoeing at a lake nearby. It was nice it reminded us of being out at his parents cottage. We've decided that we are going to up there in july. It should be a nice break from nashville.

A lady I work with is having VBS at her church and asked if i would be willing to help. I guess i felt guilty and said yes without really thinking. I should enjoy it, i definately miss working with kids. So maybe it will be refreashing. It is Sunday to thursday this week.

Our cat is getting bigger, she is still play fetch however she has started to steal my tampons because it gets me to chase after her and i suppose she thinks thats funny.

I'm excited to see my family in maryland soon. I definately miss them. Rachel will be home soon which is exciting. I hate that my family has dispearsed around the country. Now that mom is on blogging maybe we will keep in better touch.

Today at work at had to sit all day with a patient in the ER. She was suffering from abdominal pain. It wasn't really all that bad because i was able to watch tv for 6 of my 8 hour shift. One thing that was cool was that I got to meet "the Bachelor" YOu know Travis from the last season who is an ER doctor at vanderbilt. He was the attending for my patient. It was cool, i didn't talk to him, he is a lot skinnier than he was on tv but other than that it was pretty much all the same. well that was my excitement for today.

Today I have finally had a day off to spend with my husband. IT seems like we have both been working so much and our days off kept missing each others. IT is nice when we get days off together becuase we can sleep in and..... whatnot....IT is nice to just hang out on our balcony in the morning and take life in. We had the pleasure of Kyle and Blake's company on their way through nashville after bonoroo. Definatley the dirtiest boys I have ever seen. We took them to bar in nashville that they seemed to enjoy.

Adam and I were able to have a great lunch today at BAJA Burrito... Definately my favorite in nashville. It has been nice today but back to crazy work tomorrow. Oh Well HEre's to another day!.....