I was a little on edge this week. I had my first academic paper due in YEARS and that's frightening. I still haven't given the presentation and I haven't turned in the paper, but I'm feeling better about it. I gave it a lot of time, especially for just 5 pages, but I went over it a lot and I still plan to go over it again before tomorrow.

I've also been sort of getting the feel of how fast or slow I can go. There are nights I stay up til midnight reading articles and calculating standard deviations (which I hate... btw). But then, I find, the next day I can work a little and rest a lot. I work better this way- a lot one day and then a little the next. I also do quite a bit of work on the weekends, which I don't mind either. It's just about figuring out what works for me.

This week has been full of surprises. Monday, right before stats class, the prof posted about 30 questions that needed to be done by Wednesday. I thought this was really unfair because he could've posted it Friday and I would've done the problems over the weekend while I was waiting on a book from the library to write my paper. I had it all planned out and then he fucked me up.

Speaking of fucking me up- the professor, Don, who runs Peace Corps Fellows here invited us all to this reception for the Fellows. I told him I couldn't go, I had class. Then he e-mailed me back and said I should try. I explained that I was missing the class before that one for a trip to NY for a "wedding" (it's still being called a wedding even though it isn't one... I'm going to use the plane ticket for a vacation basically now, but it doesn't sound as good for excuses). Then I realized that the class during the reception was an exam, so i thought that would be the end of it. Wrong. Don e-mails me back and says I have to give him the name of my prof so he can talk to him about changing the date of my exam! What? This could potentially be very, very bad. The prof, whose class I'm missing, is already pretty darn upset I'm missing one class- I spent 150 dollars to change a different ticket for a different wedding to another day so I didn't miss his class twice.

So either way, someone's going to be mad, most likely at me. I don't like making people mad... I just hope since they are both profs they will be really repectful and sort of view it as an exchange of goodwill or something between two academics- that it won't be a big deal, basically. But I don't think so... I don't have a lot of faith this is going to work out in my favor.

My life is WAY too stressful.

The biggest difference between Lesotho and America, for me, can be summed up in one word: Money. In Lesotho I rarely felt like I needed more (I wanted more, I could've used more if it was given to me, but I didn't NEED it) and I never found myself in a situation where I didn't have any or couldn't get any from somewhere. Here in American, enough seems likes it's never enough. No matter how little I spend or how frugal I am when I have to purchase something, I can't ever seem to stop worrying about it.

Maybe it's this trip. I'm totally excited about it, but I feel bad, like I shouldn't have done it. I feel like my life would be so much easier if I hadn't done it. But, what then would I have worked for these last 6 months? I don't think I would've had the drive or the enthusiasm to work if not for the cruise. Now, after paying off all the "big" stuff (airplane ticket, cruise, side trips), I find myself struggling over the small things (a couple hundred for a hotel in Rome, extra spending money). It was a series of unfortunate events that shorted me (rent for my apt, utility set up for new apt, a nice weekend with friends here and there).

But now, at the end of the road (I quit in just 9 days), I find myself still lacking in funds. I haven't ever over-spent or gone "hog-wild" on a shopping trip. Hell, nothing bad has even happened- my car hasn't pooped out on me, my health has stayed good... But yet, this always happens to me. How come I'm the only person in my family who knows that the minimum balance in your bank account is 5 dollars? Cause it happens to me!

I feel like this is such a shitty way to live. It eats me up (literally I think I'm getting ulcers) and there isn't anything I can do about it. I'd sell my kidney, my hair, my stuff- if I could just make things balance. But even if I did, how long would it last? 2 minutes and then I'd be back to square one. I hate this.

Best of all, my mom (in her ever supporting manner) decides to get up on her high horse and tell me about how she used to have to charge milk when she was going through her divorce. Whatever.

I cannot believe what I just witnessed.

I've just come home from working a 10.5 hour day and decided to have a little PB & J sandwich. While eating I was flipping through channels and found the most disturbing thing I've ever EVER seen. Amy Winehouse was singing for Nelson Mandela's birthday party.

1st off- whose idea was this? Everyone knows she has MAJOR issues- she's not your average daily pot user. Her addiction (to things much much worse than pot) has crested at pulling her teeth out of her own mouth and being dubbed a crazy person by the world press. Was no one else available? A man of honor, distinction and greatness (of a magnitude that Amy Winehouse will never again be in the prescence of) is celebrating his 90th birthday and THAT is who we choose?

I realize she wasn't the only performer (however, I quit watching at this point out of motification)- but COME ON! I was so ashamed! Even if she wasn't crazy, is music about going to rehab and waiting for your boyfriend to get out of jail really appropriate?

I guess I don't know what I expected, but this wasn't it.

One of my best friends, Megan, whom I met on a tour with the Newman Singers, had chosen me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding this Fall. I thought that if the wedding was called off (I had a close call with another wedding earlier this month) I'd be irate. I've spent close to 400 dollars already on this wedding- between dress and plane ticket. But, actually, I'm not.

If it had happened through infidelity or a stupid fight, I wouldn't be ok. But when someone changes themselves for another person so much that even their own family agrees with ending the engagement, that's when I stop and think- would I still love this person, my friend, if they married someone who made them different? The answer: No. I'd try, I'm sure, but the people I became friends with I did so for a reason, whether it be their listening ability, their laugh, their silliness. Megan is one of a kind, we immediately became friends because she has a presence that superceeds anything and anyone else. If Brandon was changing her, it's for the best.

I realized that, no matter how strapped for cash I am, she's worth WAY more to me. If she wasn't happy I'd rather she end it now than come to me 6 months after the wedding and tell me she's ending it.

Plus, I'm still using the plane ticket :) I'm going to have a New York birthday! Whoo hoo!

From all this I've learned a valuable lesson- friendship is worth so much more to me than money. I guess I always knew that, but I've never had to practice it before now.

Somewhere down the road Megan is going to call me again and tell me she's in love. This time it'll be someone who loves and cares for her no matter what- 10 years down the road she'll be sitting around with kids and husband, so happy she didn't do this. That is worth more than 400 dollars.

Okay. So once, in Africa, when I was drunk, I said something stupid (one of many, many things I'm sure). I said, since my grandma was in bad mental health, that it would be good if she passed on while I was still in need of the mass of wealth she sits upon. I didn't mean this to be cruel, I love my grandma and when I was young she was a fantastic woman. I will always remember her as such.

So now I feel like an ass- no she hasn't died...

Turns out the senior living center has asked for her to move into assisted living quarters. Currently she lives in an apartment type housing facility, but her mental health has now deteriorated to a point where they can't properly care for her while she lives alone. Here's the jerk-y part- since she's moving, I get all her furniture and stuff because I'm the only grandkid that is currently in need of such things. I was totally fretting about money and buying a cheap used couch and bed- turns out I get them all for free. Pretty nice stuff too. I'm so relieved. I mean, I just have all these worries about money lately. It's not that i don't have it, I just don't have a lot to go around.

Sometimes I think I'm SO relieved that I don't think about the fact that she's getting worse. I'm not sure how to deal with alzheimers. I want to care but part of me just wants to distance myself from her. I can't deal with the mood swings and repeating myself a billion times. I'm just not that patient. I know when she's dead I'll be really sad and sorry I didn't take advantage of my time with her- but can you really take advantage of time like this? She still knows me, but she cries and complains the entire time I'm with her, she constantly is bringing the mood down of all holidays and get togethers. Pretty soon she won't even know me anymore. It's a terrible disease... that's the thing about being a child, you can't see the world like this. I try to think of chocolate chip cookies, playing Monopoly, and riding the bus- but those memories aren't there for her anymore. Even if they are she won't concentrate on them, she gets fixated on something else that isn't happy.

Life really isn't sunshine and lollypops.

On a completely different note- I watched Idol Gives Back this week. I'm having a terrible time lately reconciling the distribution of aid in my mind. I saw what it did to the people of Lesotho and I know it can be a good thing, I know it can. We can't just ignore people, we can't let people die of things we ourselves don't have to worry about because we have medicine or mosquito nets. BUT, how to we give without stopping development? I believe that aid is one of the major reasons that Africa, unlike nearly every other place in the world, continues fail to develop. Even South America is moving up in the world- what is wrong with Africa? I was moved very deeply by the stories in Africa, but the tears came because of regret. I still don't feel like what I did was enough. I've left my children and now it's up to them. I think of the lives they lead and how I never properly digested any of their situations, I couldn't. If i wanted to sleep, I had to desensitize. But I have a family, God, think about how much that means. Family. So many of my kids were orphans, most of them double orphans- that's not even a term we have put to use here in the US, we don't need it. I looked at those children and they seemed to all accuse me of not feeling enough while I was with them. Those kids were not children, they were adults by the standards we hold here- everything that is happy and wonderful about being a child was taken away from them and they'll never get it back. I still, even now, don't know what to do...

That's right. I've officially accepted Mizzou's offer to attend graduate school at their fine institution.

The things that mattered were all there- competent professors, nice students, and Starbucks on every corner. Heck, there was a McDonalds in the Quad- what more could I want?

The campus reminded me a lot of Iowa, the Quad, the student housing, the memorial union (which I couldn't stop calling the IMU)... it was just a big university. The culture and downtown was cool. Same as Iowa City, that little city with a big city influence feel.

The fitness center is ranked #1 in the nation right now and, let me tell you, I was seriously impressed with it. Plus, you have to pay dues there whether you use it or not, which will just encourage me to use it. The students were all really nice and gave me a great tour. The professors were accommodating and very hands on- making me feel great about going and not nearly so stressed. The profs decided in unison that I'd make a great Comparative Politics/Public Policy student... you have to have two emphasis and I was told by everyone not to ignore their advice- doom befalls all that do.

The apartment I want is right across the street from the building where my office and most of my classes would be. I'll TA 10 hours a week and work on the Peace Corps counsel another 10 hours a week. The PC group was interesting- I'll be the only Poli Sci, but they get 4 others from other departments. The current project is working with the local farmer's market to help get poor people food- sounds like a good thing to me. The PC people I met were super nice, like above and beyond nice. Like, throw a BBQ and invite all the people just because we're nice, nice.

There seems to be this culture of "niceness" there. All the grad students were like, "yeah, professor-so-and-so takes us to the bar for class and we discuss there"- sounds like a great learning environment! I take 3 classes a semester and each class meets once a week for 2.5 hours. Then I'd have to attend a lecture for my TA and hold office hours for like 4 hours a week.

The work load still scares me a little. They said you read a book for each class each week, plus articles and other stuff. And we "analyze" not memorize. I'm a stellar memorizer, but my analyzations I tend to keep to myself or a small circle. Guess I'll have to get comfortable- I always feel like they'll think I'm stupid. Class size is anywhere from 3-12 people and you get a lot of attention from the profs, which for me will be good. If I have constant feedback I can adapt myself pretty well- I hope.

I was forced to tell them about my "future plans", which I sort of anticipated, in a way. So I prepared a little, but I still felt like they didn't all "get me". I talked a lot about wanting to explore the effects of aid on developing countries and conflict resolution. I'd like to look into solutions and exploring the outcomes- like, if we do this it will solve this, but totally FUBAR this, this and this.

I'm excited, jazzed and ready. I have to work on the "academic mindset"... I know it's there, I just can't seem to find it. Today, just talking with people for 5 hours, totally wiped me out. I felt like I'd written a test or something. My brain still kind of hurts.

But I'm going.... look out world, here I come.

I really haven't had anything interesting to say in awhile.

I've been working. Work kind of sucks right now, not for me, but for people I like at work and don't want to see quit because of the crap they have to put up with. This one manager is on a super power trip and she keeps yelling at people- she contradicts herself and no one knows what to do to please her. She'll tell you first not to wait for food that is almost ready to go out and then she'll turn around and yell at you for passing food that isn't ready but is almost ready...

Then another girl, who is friendly to me and I like, got yelled at today for her hair. She has worked there for almost a month and they interviewed her- she hasn't changed her hair at all. She has it light brown on top and blond on the bottom. You can see it down or up, but we all have to wear our hair up. I think it's fine. It's not my cup of tea, but it's cute on her and I definately don't find it offensive or distracting. If it was purple or green, I'd understand, but it's not that crazy. Especially since there are plenty of girls who work there who have brown hair with big chunky blond highlights in their hair.

Then this was this other girl, who also works at the mall, who came over this afternoon to have lunch while waiting for her ride (another girl who works there). She was just chatting to people- everyone does it- but this same manager just flipped out. She threatened to write her up and get her fired. How stupid. It wasn't like she was stealing or something, and had it been anyone else they wouldn't have said shit.

Anyways. That's the big drama going down at work today.

Other than that I'm getting ready to go on my campus tour. I'm a little nervous. I know it's not an interview, but it's going to be weird meeting professors- undergrad I never even spoke to 99% of my profs. Now I have 20 minute meetings with 5 of them... I'm typing up lists of questions so I have something mildly interesting to say. It'll also be weird that my parents are coming with me. I don't think it's weird, but I wonder if they will. I mean, I'm a 25 year old girl who should, in theory, be making these decisions on my own. But I like their input and I also like that they are paying for gas and the hotel room :0) I just wonder if they'll think it's strange for me to show up with my mom and dad. I guess I've learned not to care so much what others think, but I still wonder.

I got a letter from the family who lived next door to me in Africa. They sounded good. They seemed to like the new guy who took my place. I haven't heard anything from him, I'm kind of jealous of Allison getting letters and e-mail updates from her replacement. Oh well, I'm not sure I would've written my former person had they given me the chance. I'm feeling very distant from Africa- I wish I had some way of knowing what was going on, some way of staying in touch. None of my text messages have gone through- I'm not sure if it's my phone or their phones. I guess I just have to move on with life and, in a way, forget a little. It's so hard to care so much, even when you don't think you do, and then not be able to carry that passion on to something else.

I'll live. It's just hard sometimes, so it's easier to let go.

So, I got some good news recently. I was accepted to the University of Missouri (Mizzou) and accepted into the Peace Corps Fellowship. It's a very good program, a big school, and I'm one of five and THE ONLY poli sci department person chosen. I'm flattered, maybe I shouldn't be, but I am.

The deal is this: 2 years, 10 hours a week of community service, can study whatever I want, 12,000 dollars a year in stipends, free health insurence, free tuition (only pay 800 dollars in fees). It's not a bad deal at all. I'm going to see the school on April 8th, I have to decide by the 15th. So I'll know soon.

Marquette, my first choice, rejected me this week. I really didn't mind too much, I was still pretty high from my acceptance and fellowship. I don't need two schools, just one :0) I am still waiting on Western Illinois but they want another letter of recommendation and I'm not sure I can fulfill the request- I don't know another person who could write an academic letter. I've only kept in contact with one professor and I feel funny about writing a lame letter asking for one from another one who won't remember me.

Today I had jury duty. It was a guy, no older than 19, who beat up a girl. The girl wasn't pressing charges anymore, in fact, was testifying for the guy now. But the State still had to go forward with the case. I didn't get sat on the jury and that was ok with me.

So I'm still at Applebees and doing fine. Tonight I had a shift where I just run food. I didn't get any tips but it was easy as pie- I was so less stressed out! I got home and sat in the hottub with my mom. Our moment of relaxation was broken when we realized Daisy, the dog, was no longer in the yard. I don't know what to do about her. She's so naughty. We love her to death but she chews through lamp plugs, jumps the fence and runs away, and is ruining my parents' marriage.

She got out on me when I came home from work Thursday night. I cried and cried, I drove around the neighborhood, called my mom home from work, and screamed for her till I was blue in the face. The neighbor guy finally found her, but the snow is so deep I couldn't go trugging through it to get her. I just don't need the stress but I LOVE her. I don't know what to do or say anymore- my parents fight about her all the time.

On a lighter note, I got a letter from a university in Illinois about extending their application process. They've only got 22 people in the program and they only require a 2.75 to enter- either there aren't many applicants or they really want me for some odd reason. So I finished up my application today and sent everything off- it's really close to my sister's house. think she'd let me stay with her to save money? Wouldn't do it even if she asked, no way.

Tomorrow I am going to Des Moines to see my grandma and to attend a party for my mom's friend who recently recovered from breast cancer. I guess there is also someone there who wants to talk to me because, guess... just guess... that's right, I was a Peace Corps Volunteer. Oh well, I like it. Most days. It really is mood dependant.

I have a hard time with mean people and at work I deal with quite a few, but usually they are customers. The staff, in general, is happy and we joke a lot so we don't get too stressed out by the people we're waiting on.

So it surprised me today when I asked the new girl (newer than me- therefore, new girl) if she would be willing to work for me tonight. I was all ready to tell her that I had to drive to Des Moines and it would probably be busy tonight, the roads are still bad AND that I would trade ANY shift with her- even a weekend. Before I could even finish my sentence she turned around and pretty much yelled at me, "NO". Well then.

I had heard she was kind of unfriendly and I worked a whole shift today as her section buddy- there are waitresses in one group of tables- and I was totally helping her out. I ran her food, I got her people dressing, and that bitch tells me no before even listening to me. Granted, she may have something going on tonight, whatever. Then at least let me finish talking and say it a little nicer.

Oh well.

Anyways. My dog got this new toy that is a puzzle ball- she has to roll it all around to get the treats out of it, it's hilarious. I've never seen her so intent on something before. Even when it's out of treats she still rolls it around.

Well, back to my Dairy Queen Snicker Blizzard (my lunch) and then back to work before i'm off :0)

How many days have I worked straight now? My last day off was at least a week ago. Adding to that the weather has been HORRID here- on Sunday morning it rained, then it snowed, then it froze. AND if that wasn't fun enough the temperature has plunged to a frigid so-fucking-far-below-zero-I-don't-even-want-to-look-at-the-termometer... THEN it snowed again last night and the temperature has been continually declining.

SO work hasn't been so profitable lately. Last night I didn't do too bad, about 50 bucks, but it was the first day in several that we didn't have snow and the roads were finally cleared off enough to go somewhere. Friday and Saturday, pre-storm, were excellent. I made almost 300 dollars in two nights, but I was so tired I prayed that God would send down a storm equal to the wrath that bitch Hillary Clinton deserves. I got it.

Today is my first day off in awhile and I've got a million things to do. I had to bake a cake for a funeral at church (no one I know, but I volunteered to make cakes for funerals back when I had no job), go to Target and get stuff for my trip to Phoenix, pack, and do laundry up to WAZOO. At least I don't have to do it by hand anymore!

I rewarded my hard work with some chinese food and a nice sit in front of a Project Runway marathon... I love Bravo and VH1- I could survive with just those two channels. Wait, I'd need Biggest Loser and Conan too. TV is intersting now. I've got my "shows" back but I never watch them when everyone else does. Because I'm home during the day more often than in the evening and daytime TV is shit, I DVD-R all my "shows" and watch them in the morning. It seems like a lot of work and also like I need the TV more than I actually do- I tape more for something to do in the day than because I really need to watch said show.

A well needed break is heading my way. Tomorrow, after dropping off my cake at church and working a double shift, I'm driving to Des Moines (probably will reach there around 10 or 11). Friday morning our plane leaves at 6am! I'll have to grab a nap on the plane because we have tickets to a NHL game once we get there!!!! I can't wait :0) Sunny Arizon, here I come.

Well, after a full 24 hours of rest, I'm feeling much better. Overall, I'm recovered. Had a couple glasses of wine, sat in the hot tub for awhile... that was what I needed.

Came in after the hot tub only to discover the dog ate my pants- rip a giant gash in them! The are irreplaceable too as they came from the duty free shop in Johannesburg. Damn dog. If she lives till my parents get back she'll be a lucky puppy.

Today was, in a word, trying.

I worked a double shift yesterday, a total of 11 hours. Then I had another double today, a total of 10 hours. I was tired, but the morning shift went fine. It just all feel apart in the afternoon. At 3 I put my food order in and we got a rush, so I didn't get to eat during my break between shifts. I ended up getting my food when I was back on, having to eat it while I was serving. What I ordered wasn't condusive to eating on the go- I ate too fast, and didn't feel too good afterwards.

So now I've got an upset stomach and I'm serving. I go to deliver 3 drinks to a table (that's my max for carrying) and I accidentally set one of them down on a set of silverware and it tips over. It was like slow motion- I almost caught it too. I felt terrible, I cleaned it up, I apologized about 10,000 times and tried to be the model waitress after that. That was the first thing I'd ever dropped. They seemed okay, they were joking with me- then when I gave them their checks back after running them through the machine I heard the guy say "come on"... like irritated. I guess I'd set the wrong checks in front of the wrong people at the table- they'd paid separate. Then I went to pick up the tips- one left me a dime, the other wrote on the credit card tip paper "get a new job".

I wanted to cry. I almost cried. I showed the other girl working in my section and she said no to let it bother me, and I tried really hard not to let it. I finished my night about 30 minutes later and then had to do my work in the back. The girl checking my work and okaying me is a bitch- in fact, earlier that night she'd made a comment about ' loving running people's food who are standing around doing nothing' and then came out with my food. She kept piling on stuff for me to do and delaying checking me out- I was finished at 7 and she didn't let me go until almost 9. She kept acting all high and mighty too. In between the work I was running food for people still working and I dropped food. That was just the end all- I had to go in the back and settle myself down a little bit.

Everything that girl said to me made me so upset, she had me doing such stupid shit and doing stuff that didn't matter... and to top it all off, I knew that my sweet puppy was at home and stuck in her kennel. My parents are in Cancun and she was in her kennel today for 10 hours- I got home to a big mess.

I've since settled down, had a beer or two, watched some Conan... At least I have the day off tomorrow.

I went to a teeny tiny grade school- my graduating class was less than 20. I never really participated in sports and I never really was into school events. My parents do do a lot of stuff for the church, but my assumption is that no one from Sacred Heart remembers my name except those I still keep in contact with today.

Now imagine my surprise when I ran into my former teacher Mr. Kreig at a birthday party Friday night. He says, "Hey welcome back!"... How'd he even know I was gone? Turns out my sister had told him before I left at a golf tournament that our church puts on that my dad and my sister's husband always play in- odd. Then he proceeds to tell me how I was the least likely person he could think of to do something like that.

I remember back in grade school how important sports were and all Mr. Kreig's favorites were his basketball girls. I quit basketball after the first year- because I sucked, never played and, frankly, had better things to do with my time. Now all the sudden his former favorites are still here in Waterloo managing Subways and cutting hair. He was so excited about me that he invited me to his class to talk about it and show pictures. It's just so weird. I bet he spoke 4 words to me in 8 years of school, and maybe 1 word since then.

It just makes you realize how unimportant and insignifigant those years were.

So tonight marks my first night as an offical waitress at Applebees. I am no longer Amy-Trainee but Amy-Waitress.

Last night I took tables with a trainer, but I entered them all and did all the running. They just answered my questions as I went along. I did pretty good but didn't wait many tables because there was a bad storm and the windchill was like -20. I had literally just finished telling the trainer that I knew everyone who comes in to eat and in walks the parents of a girl I went to high school with. It was nice, made me much calmer for my first table. We chatted and since it wasn't busy I got to catch up with them. They aren't my favorite people in the world but whatever. They also had the girl's son with them, he was a newborn when I left and here he was eating chicken fingers and a hot fudge sundae! Crazy how time passes.

Only thing I don't like about Applebees is that it's really hard to stay on track with eating right. Because serve food I can't eat when it's normally time to eat- say noon to one or seven to eight- I have to eat at 3pm and 10pm... I get free food there and drink, I try to only drink water or diet pepsi but since I don't eat salad there really isn't anything that healthy on the menu. I find myself eating fried chicken strips, fried buffalo wings, mac and cheese, 3 cheese penne, asiago smothered chicken.... sensing a theme yet? Lots of fried and cheese. Oh well. I try to get to excersize too but lately I've been working nights and the class is at night. Maybe I should start looking into the morning classes- but I'm so tired in the mornings cause I'm up all night.

In my spare time I've been exploring my shore excursion options for my cruise to the Mediterranean. So far I've decided to:

Egypt: Pyramids and Nile trip w/bellydancers :0)

Rhodes, Greece: Filerimos and local Mezes- kind of a small town visit with Greek food tasting

Ephesus, Turkey: Turkish towns and villages- see people make olive oil and wine, visit small villages

I'm totally confused about Naples, Athens and Cyprus! In Naples I've got it narrowed down to either Secrets of Pompeii and it's wine where you tour a winery that plants it's grapes in the ruins of Pompeii or Capri, Sorrento and Pompeii where you take a boat to Capri and see Pompeii- I'm kind of doing a lot of wine and food stuff already so I'm thinking Capri and Pompeii, but I think that the winery is very unique and cool too... I don't know.

In Athens you can take this really cool canal tour to Corinth. I saw pics online and it looks really beautiful but I also think that I should see the Acropolis and the Parthenon... Can I say I've been to Athens and then admit I didn't see them?

Cyprus there is a cool tour where you see the divided capital, Nicosia- you do the whole green line checkpoint and cross the border (I've crossed a lot of borders but it still sounds neat). Then there's another tour where you go out to the Trodos Mt Range and walk to a bunch of waterfalls. Granted, I've seen waterfalls, but I also might want to do a tour where I get out of the towns for awhile- see some nature or something.

I'm sort of covering ruins in Naples (either way) and Egypt and Athens (either way), I feel like I'm over-doing food and wine, but I like food and wine! I don't know. Allison, maybe you've been some of these places and can tell me what is worthwhile and what isn't.

Anyways... that's what's on my mind today.

Tonight, I get the tips :0)

Things aren't so bad. Tomorrow is my last day of work for the week- which won't always be true. I'm going to see my sister and her husband- it'll be nice to get out of the house and see some people.

I've been going to my exercize classes. I've come to realize why these classes work better for me: GUILT. Seriously, you don't show up once and every person in that class is on your ass about where you were and what your excuse is. Tonight kicked my tired, fat ass though. Ouch. I'm gonna hurt tomorrow. The Devil was teaching tonight, instead of my normal lady who only does about 35 minutes of cardio and then 25 of toning- this lady did 45 minutes of cardio. I was so winded. I can still feel it in my lungs now 5 hours later.

But I've been doing my doggie classes- last night we learned how to walk with a loose leash and sit. Daisy and I have been working on sit, it's supposed to warm up this weekend and then we can work on walk. But today it was -20 and I don't think she or I wanted to go for a walk.

Work is fine. I only stay like 2 or 3 hours right now and follow people around. Tomorrow I get to practice putting in orders and taking orders- that'll be fun. Currently all I've done is smile and refill drinks- guess i'll have to step it up tomorrow.

The trainers have been alright. Very young and talkative. They remind me of myself in a completely different time, I can see how my work ethic has changed since Peace Corps. That's almost surprising since it wasn't that good in lesotho.... They giggle and flirt with boys. They're just... young is the only word I can think of. I'm not old by any means but I'm just not a college girl or a high school girl anymore. But everyone is very nice to me and besides the fact that I have seen at least 10 $1 tips in the last two days, I'm not too discouraged about it.

The only part that is still hard is admitting to people who haven't seen me in awhile that that is where I work. I know that it's only temporary, but I feel like they don't see that. I feel like i have to explain myself, throw in things like I'm taking the Foreign Service Exam on March 4th or I'm going to grad school in the fall. It goes something like this:

"I'm recently returned from the Peace Corps... (mumbling) working at Applebees.... (louder) and looking at Grad school or the Foreign Service in the Fall. So I DEFINATELY won't be around Waterloo for that much longer."

So I'm not so proud of my job. It's only for a short time. I'll get over it.

So today I started my job at Applebees. It's really not that bad. In fact, it's pretty laid back and okay. The people seem nice, although young- I got asked today, no less than 5 times, if I was over 18.... only to be met by shock and awe when I said 25.

So I'm a little older than everyone else- one girl thought, at the oldest, I might be 19. I guess that's a good thing....

But tonight I'm having tons of emotions. I had two other interview offers and one I cancelled because I couldn't make it and do my shift tomorrow. The other is still on for Thursday morning. I feel guilty to leave Applebees because they've been so nice but I also feel dissatisfied with waitressing. If I could make that same amount of money at a desk 9-5, I think I'd rather do that. Wouldn't I?

But tonight, as I sit watching the Biggest Loser, I can't stop crying. Don't ask me why... crying definately isn't what I expected to be doing. I'm not tired, I'm not overworked yet... what's the deal? I guess I can't sit at home on my ass all day anymore, but isn't this what i wanted? A job?

Maybe it's change. Maybe it's just my body's messed up way of coping with all this. I don't know, but it's strange.

Lately I've been struggling. I don't know, I guess it's because I have no friends around, no purpose, and nothing to do. Too much thinking time I guess.

I'm really not that upset about being home it's just that because I am home I have to start over completely. I can't find a job still and the more applications I fill out and the longer I sit the more discontented I feel when things don't work out. I can't even get excited about a job anymore- I just fill out the application anticipating failure.

I've been trying to help out around the house, hang out with the dog, and get out every once in awhile, but nothing seems to perk me up. Today was just really awful.

I had an interview last night on the phone that went really well- only to find out that I couldn't take the job because I needed time off during training. I really didn't want that job- had to work saturdays and sometimes during the week until 9pm...

But now I'm starting to apply at restaurants and that depresses me. Not only do I think I'd be a shitty waitress but I also think that my college education wins me the right to have a job where I don't have to stand all day. But I'm almost out of money...

The peace corps money was about 900 dollars less than I thought it would be and after paying up on my cruise I've got about 400 dollars left. I'm afraid to go out because I'd have to fill my car with gas, I have movies I want to see but I don't want to pay 9 dollars for a ticket to sit alone in the theater... I'm thinking about seeing my sister this next weekend or possibly going to my grandma's but I just can't afford the gas. It would be something to do but I don't want to spend all that money- I don't know how long the money I have is going to have to last me.

I miss being the center of attention. No one really cares that I'm back now. I'm every day- ordinary.

I'm sure everything will be okay. Mom's work has a job opening and her boss likes me and knows I'm applying- hopefully that'll work out or something else. John Deere just doesn't have any jobs up right now- otherwise I'd have something. I need something besides dog class and aerobics to put my energy into- I'm slowly losing my ability to keep trying and that scares me. I don't like this feeling of not being able to take care of myself.

So, I've been home now almost two weeks. Do I have a job? A meaningful hobby? No. I spend my days training our stupid dog to behave. I think my parents should pay me...

I've ran all my errands, shopped til I dropped and rented a ton of movies (saw Hairspray today- really like that). I've applied for 100s of jobs- from clerical to retail. No one wants me. I even got one phone call from Von Mauer (a dept store) that went something like this:

Manager: Can you tell me what you're looking for?

Me: A job

Manager: I see on your resume that you just got out of the Peace Corps, graduated from Iowa and did an internship in DC- why retail?

Me: I need a job until something else comes along.

Manager: Oh.

Me: The soonest I'd be going anywhere is September...

Manager: We need a two year commitment.

Me: I definately can't give you that.

Manager: Well, thanks for calling us back.

I guess retail isn't what it used to be. Wasn't that the definition of a retail job? Short term commitment? So now I'm waiting for a clerical position to pan out- so far I haven't even gotten a phone call back. 2 places I e-mailed my resume to e-mailed me to tell me they couldn't open the file- that was a week ago, guess they opened the file...

Damn, maybe I should just dumb down my resume. Make it look like I haven't done shit- then someone would hire me. I am THIS close to getting a job in a restaurant and I've NEVER resorted to that. It's not that I don't think it's a fine job, it's just that I think many people would end up wearing their food out the door- either cause I dropped it or because I did it on purpose because they were assholes.

Yep. Iowa is too classy for me.

Today I decided to take a little tiny trip out of the house for the first time alone. I had a car, plenty of gas, and knew my destination well. I wasn't going to attempt anything too challanging for my first time driving on the right hand side of the road in two years.

The car I've been "given" is a 1993 Lumina- it's old and HUGE, but it runs. When my dad said I could have it, I told him I'd kill it in 6 months or less. It's a joke in my family- give a car to me if you wish it to die.

Clearly, cars and I aren't meant to mix. I was within eye-sight of my destination when BAM! An old man runs into the back of the car. There was no damage done to the car, or to his, so we didn't call the police. I got his insurance, just in case. The neck rest was really far back so when he hit me I got quite a jerk. My neck is a little sore and I'll wait till tomorrow to see if it still is bothering me. I don't want to pay to see a doctor if there isn't anything wrong.

Welcome back to America.

So we've been having a really nice time so far. The bugs are terrible and the heat unbearable- but still we've been having fun. Or at least I think we have been.

Swaziland was great. It was like a developed, clean Lesotho. We did some craft shopping and even a safari. We saw lots of animals. Our hostel was inside a nature reserve so every day we saw impala, zebra and warthogs.

We went on a "walk" that turned out to be a death march by the end. We weren't really prepared for it to take 3 hours. My water nearly ran out and Anthony lost a shoe in the mudd about 45 min in to the walk. But we made it.

We've been eating really well- lots of good food. I've spent WAY too much money, especially on food, but I figure it's a once in a lifetime thing and I can worry about money when I get home.

Now we're in Pretoria.

I called home last night to check in and tell everyone I'm still alive. It was nice to talk to mom and dad. We also went to see a movie last night. We were planning on seeing Surfs Up but when we saw that Angelina Jolie was in Boewolf we decided to see that- which we didn't know was CG animated, kind of lame. But I never read the book and now I don't have to. I think, since it's raining, we're going to see Surfs Up this afternoon- tickets will be cheaper too. We're also thinking about the ballet, the Nutcracker is on at the theatre.

Tomorrow we head to Jo'burg again. Wednesday my safari leaves and their plane to Italy leaves as well. It's been nice but I think, after this, I'll be more than ready to come home.

So I'm leaving soon- as the title suggests.

Things here have been really stressful- there is so much to do and so little time to do it in. AND if I don't get it all done then they still have 6,000 dollars to take away from me- so I've gotta do it.

I went to the dentist once and their machines were broken. They only cleaned my teeth and now I have to go again on Monday to get a check up and X-rays.

I closed my bank account and it took 5 hours. Seriously. I waited and waited and waited. I've never ever sat that long in my life- at least I had a chair.

I went to the Post Office and they made me open my box after I'd neatly packed it up. I nearly cried out of frustration- I had been there since 7 to avoid waiting 5 more hours there to send my packages home.

I had lunch yesterday with Boitelo. She is 5 months pregnant, her father has abandoned their family and her brother recently committed suicide. Things aren't going so good for her.

Today I'm having lunch with Lerato and Tanya. Haven't seen them in over a year- her husband took off with a check the school gave him to cash and hasn't been seen since.

I rented Transformers and 24 Season 6- both bootleg copies. But it's keeping me busy since nothing was open yesterday or today. Figured it was cheaper- I only paid 10 rand for all of it!

So the weekend has helped me out a bunch. I've smoothed out a bit. Thursday I was on the brink of a mental break down but today, Sunday, I'm much better. Monday, all I have to do is see Rich, go to the dentist and get Arlene to sign my medical papers and say I don't have TB- which I don't.

But I've had most of my meetings, got most of my signatures and I'm nearly an RPCV- just one more day. I'm ready. I really really don't like living in Lesotho anymore.

Only problem is the snow... I don't like that either.

That's right. This is it. Finito. In just two weeks I'll be going to Maseru for COS and checking out of Lesotho. Last Sunday I was officially in Lesotho for 2 years! I can barely believe it.

As for that last post, about everything being so great, things have changed. I can't even find a frickin banana today. I ended up with a quart of strawberry yogurt with fruit pieces in it- always kinda gross because they become slimmy when soaking in yogurt. Otherwise, I got juice- that's it.

This Wednesday my school is having a farewell party for me. I don't know who'll come except me because I don't think anyone else likes me. On the other hand, there will be meat and beer- so everyone will come.

I'm nearly finished grading. NEARLY. THIS CLOSE. I just have to keep working, it's hard when you know there will be no reprecussions if you don't- I could just leave all those papers ungraded. Surprise children! No grades in English this quarter. Nah, I'd feel bad. I'm too responsible to do that. But I did have a lot less grading to do this time around, which was very nice.

It took me three hours to get to town today. Seriously. I could've walked. Too hot to walk- it's like 100 degrees out today. (I got a grape Fanta from the butchery- cause they have a fridge- and it burned my throat I drank it so fast and it was so cold.) I waited on a rock for 1 hour, rode a taxi up the mountain for 1 hour and finally decended the mountain, which took another hour. It was hellacious. Plus they kept trying to fit extra people in, I sat with a bar in my back for at least 1/2 the trip.

But I'm here, and this'll be my last time in before I leave. This weekend I'm going to Fouriesburg is South Africa (shhh! not supposed to leave country) for a Chinese food feast. It should be fun.

I'm exhausted from the heat and from not eating. I had no food- which is why I'm in town. My genious plan of eating the contents of my cupboards succeeded but much faster than I anticipated. I was eating for the past two days: eggs and tomatoes from a can. That was all I had in the entire house. Eggs. So I bought some cereal and bread, canned peaches and some other stuff I'll eat up pretty quickly. It only has to last until the 5th.

My safari is all sorted (yay!) I'm so excited about it. I'm really excited about Swaziland as well- can't wait to hit the markets.

Overall, I'm ready to leave- still. Not much has changes emotionally. It's been hard to say goodbye but also kind of happy because I know it's part of the process of coming home. Right now, even though it's cold, more than anything I want to be home.

One of the new volunteers stayed at my house this weekend and it was fun. It's just kind of hard for her to be with me because I'm leaving I think. I tried to tell her that a lot of those feelings will subside, but she didn't seem to think so. She mentioned Thanksgiving- I forgot completely about that holiday. It's so hot here, how can you think about Thanksgiving? But I guess some things are important to people. I'm sure it'll become important again to me one day.

Anyways. My time on the internet is almost up. I've only got an hour- 30 rand is a lot of money to spend on internet. I'll be back on 5/6 December and then I'll be home on the 28th :0)

Lots of love!

Amy

Gosh! Why does everything have to get better once I decide to LEAVE? The house gets fixed, the internet in town works, the sun comes out... it all just seems like no matter where I am, the grass is greener on the other side.

For example: My fruit and veg shop in Mokhotlong gets it's shipments today (on Wednesday) and I happen to have only one class now on Wednesday. Since I have a wedding this weekend I decided to come take care of my stuff today. I stopped by fruit and veg, what do I find? STRAWBERRIES! I don't think I've seen a strawberry in 2 years. I almost didn't know what it was. There were also kiwi, coconuts, bananas, kumkwats, mangoes and tangerines! What is this? South Africa? I've never seen such colorful fruits and vegetable. I'm used to red (tomatoes) and brown (potatoes and onions). That's it, for two years I've been living on crap and now there are strawberries, that's it, I'm staying.

Riding Taxis in Africa

By: Amy Bowes

Taxis get me from place to place because Peace Corps thinks that when volunteers drive we hurt ourselves. So this is the alternative they’ve chosen for us:

Imagine an old VW bus (like the one in Little Miss Sunshine, only not yellow, they are usually white) with fold down seats in the aisles. The driver and 2 people sit up front, if you sit next to the driver you got to move your leg to the side when he shifts gears. In the main section of the vehicle there are usually 3 to 4 bench seats. The back seat will fit four people- notice I didn’t say CAN, I said WILL. If you are the last person in the back you most likely will have to sit half on the seat and half on someone’s lap. That row is often also elevated to allow for storage under the seats and even I hit my head on the ceiling when we hit bumps. The other rows fit 2 people on the bench and 1 person in the fold down seat.

Be careful if you get a fold down seat- sometimes they don’t have backs or the backs are broken, you lean back and find yourself on the lap of the women sitting behind you. It is especially uncomfortable if you get one of these seats on a long ride because you can’t lean back. Also the legs on the fold down seats get busted. You won’t find this out until the driver hits a big bump and you are now sitting on the floor. These seats also tip and tilt from time to time. If you’ve got an exceptionally large person sitting next to you, they can balance the seat with half their bottom and it will stay still. Otherwise, every time the driver takes a turn or changes lanes you will lean precariously along with the vehicle.

The driver is just that, the driver. Frequently he will also amaze you with feats of greatness like: picking his ears with a match stick, drinking a quart of beer, swerving to hit animals, hitting on women in the back of the taxi/side of the road, going through his entire collection of music (which he stores on the ceiling in the taxi) and asking the conductor what tape he’d like to listen to, and, my personal favorite (this didn’t happen to me) cleaning his gun- all while driving! The conductor works with the driver, he’s like his helper. The conductors job is to collect money and solicit people (who clearly do no want or need a ride) to get in the taxi when seats are available. The taxi will drive off the road to follow someone who is walking and try to get them to want to come wherever we are going. The driver will also honk constantly, even when there are no people around, if there are seats empty. The conductor has to stand, pretty much on top of the person sitting closest to the door, and will try to hit on every women in the taxi and on the side of the road. They generally have a BO smell to them and very bad breath as well.

You luggage must fit into the space you are given on the taxi. This means that it can go: between your legs, on your lap or under your seat. If you have a lot of stuff (by this I mean the people who insist on hauling a bag of 25 cabbages up to Mokhotlong when we HAVE cabbage in Mokhotlong or need to bring a sheep home with them) then you get to sit in the front row behind the driver. Here there is a little bit more space- to imagine how much space this is, think of the pews in church. If you sit in front and don’t have a lot of stuff, chances are you will have to help hold down the sheep and with your other hand keep the cabbages from falling on your head every time the taxi hits a bump.

When someone wants to get out usually everyone else has to get out too. No planning goes into where everyone should sit so the first person who needs out is usually in the back corner. So, the conductor must pull out all the cabbages, drums of oil and 12 kg bags of maize meal, then everyone in the folding seats must get out, followed by everyone in the back seat. Once the passenger is out then everyone must get back in and the taxi must be re-packed. It’s a vicious cycle.

Time and petrol are not taken into consideration, ever. Drivers will waste petrol driving around a town trying to fill there taxi after 5 people got out. We’ll spend 2 hours driving around Hlotse when we could’ve used that same amount of petrol and just gone to Buthe-Buthe with the 11 people left in the taxi. But this makes too much sense, the taxi must be full to make money! It doesn’t matter how much petrol is wasted in the quest to pack the taxi full.

The roads leave something to be desired from the Rural Roads Commission. It is paved from Mokhotlong to Maseru but I use the word lightly. When Americans think of paved, they think of vast stretches of highway and interstate that are solid cement. Here it’s more like pieces of tar scattered about the road in a zigzag pattern. Imagine, if you will, a 2 lane road that runs along the side of a mountain- say half a mile up from the cavernous gorge that lays between your mountain and the mountain next to it. There is no guard rail, and if there is it is either broken or so short that the taxi would just roll over it if it hit it, the driver is veering left and right, driving on the shoulder of the road at times and using both lanes as you drive around a hairpin turn and come up over a hill. Pretty fun, huh? I used to think rollercoaster were scary! Heck, rollercoaster have safety harnesses, I don’t even get a seatbelt in the taxi!

The windows are community property in the eyes of the Basotho, in my eyes they are the property of ME! On the hottest day of the year, people wearing blankets and sweaters in the taxi, will refuse to let me open the window because they will get sick. Wind spreads disease and chalk dust causes lung cancer- remember that, it’s important information that could save your life. So I play a game with them, “Window Wars” is what I’ve affectionately named it. The game is this: You open the window the first time as wide as you want to. A Masotho taps you on the should and tells you “Koala festere” (close the window). So you close it a little but not all the way. Then when they aren’t looking you open it a little wider and wider- this can be achieved inconspicuously if you rest your hand in the open window (this also prevents them from closing the window if you doze off). Then they’ll tap you again, “Koala festere.” Once again you close it, but not all the way. This goes on and on until they finally break down and yell at you in Sesotho, pointing to their baby, that is sweating and wrapped up in 20 blankets, telling you it will get sick. You say that you are sorry and close the window all the way. Wait 5 minutes, then open it again. Depending on the length of the ride this can go on for some time. Optional: Tell the people that you need the wind because you feel like vomiting or go into a speech about how diseases are REALLY spread.

The average taxi is licensed to hold 13-16 people but this doesn’t deter the conductor from trying to fit more. I am proud to say that I once rode in a taxi licensed for 13 with 19 people- not including luggage or babies! It was quite a miraculous feat. But it was also the most uncomfortable ride I’ve ever taken. I just try not to be the person that has to stand while someone shuts the door and then sits in the crack- those doors don’t have locks and if a person fell out they would definitely die. Either the driver is speeding and that would kill you or you’d fall off the side of the mountain and no one would ever be able to retrieve your body. So I avoid that.

Taxis do not leave until they are full- that does not mean licensed full, it means that the driver is satisfied that not one more object can be jammed into the taxi. Sometimes you will wait for ten minutes and sometimes you will wait for 6 hours. On a ride from Mokhotlong to Maseru I have to do this 3 times on 3 different taxis. The ones in Mokhotlong fill pretty quick and leave on a schedule because we pick up more people in the next town, Mapoleneng. But once you get to Buthe-Buthe things get trickier, especially coming up (no one wants to go to Mokhotlong). Then when you get to Maputsoe, you wait again. These taxis are silly, there are usually many taxis waiting to leave for Maseru but people get in all of them instead of just one! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting in Maputsoe and there were enough people to fill one taxi but they were sitting in 3 separate taxis! DUH!

Then there are the police and the enforcement of taxi rules. The police, when they are bored, set up roadblocks to piss people off. Basically, they put up the block in the middle of the straightest stretch of road, so the driver can see them nice and early, and stop every single car that goes by. If a police block comes along and you are in the front seat, you must hold the seatbelt in front of you like you are wearing it. You can’t usually insert the buckle because there generally isn’t anything to insert it into. Sometimes, when they haven’t had a lot of business, they make people get out of the car so they can count them or see what they have in their bags. The police will ask for the driver’s license, if he has no license then 50 rand will do. The driver and the policeman will shoot the shit for 20 or 30 minutes (while others wait patiently behind them) and then he sends the driver on his way. It’s really a great system that is, without a doubt, catching thousands of negligent drivers every day.

From my house I catch a taxi. I sit on a rock by the road and wait for one to drive by that has space for me in it. I find that trucks come by more frequently and I rarely take a taxi down to the camp town unless it’s the first thing that comes along. Hitches generally don’t ask for money but sometimes they do and it’s usually less than the taxi ride.

Taxi rides cost almost nothing in terms of dollars. My ride to camp is 9 rand, which is about $1.25. The ride to Buthe-Buthe is 60 rand, which is less than 10 dollars. The entire ride to Maseru costs about 100 rand and that is about 15 dollars- it’s 200+ kilometers, try getting a taxi in America to take you that far for 15 bucks.

4+1s are cars that run like taxis. Generally they are old Honda Accords and the term 4+1 means 4 people plus the driver! So simple, I know. These run in towns, like Mokhotlong or Maseru, and will take you anywhere on the main road. They will go other places for more money and that is called a Special. Because I’m white, every driver in Maseru asks me if I want a Special and tries to charge me 20 rand for a taxi ride when it’s only supposed to be 3 rand. It’s annoying.

So if you are trying to imagine what a taxi ride SOUNDS like- think loud accordion, synthesized music with lots of bass (there are speakers everywhere in the taxi- the sounds systems have to cost more than the taxis themselves). If there is singing on the tape then it is not melodious and pretty, it’s more like screaming men with hoarse voices going blahblahblah blah blah! Then add in the honking, which I can now tune out completely because that’s all Maseru is- honking. Amazingly enough, I can sleep on taxis- either I’m going deaf or I have a new talent.

The smell changes at each pick up and drop off. Herd boys wear blankets that never get washed, men drink all morning and then get on smelling like pee and Black Label. I would say it’s best to breath through your mouth but some of the smells are so acrid that you can actually taste them.

Sight can vary as well. Most often you find yourself staring at the back of someone else’s head- so tightly pack in that you can’t turn your head to look out a window. Sometimes you are looking at a 12 kg bag of maize meal that’s been piled in front of you. Other times, if you’re really lucky, you can see out the window and you’ll see the most beautiful country in the world in the most dizzying way, as the driver swerves and dodges pot holes in the road.

Basically, you get used to it. You stop watching the driver, otherwise you’ll have a coronary and there is no emergency room so you’ll die. You bring earplugs and ibuprofen for when the music hurts. You learn to ignore the people who bother you. I pretend I don’t speak Sesotho and if they try English, I pretend I don’t speak that either. The smell can be dissipated if you want to play Window Wars for awhile, it passes the time. The food is good too- not all good for you but tasty! You can get fried chicken and fish, Russian sausages, yogurt, peanuts and raisins, fresh baked bread and this flat bread called sephaphata. Sometimes in the lower districts (where they have fancy things like freezers) you can get ice cream in a cone! You can get apples year round, peaches in the fall, oranges in the winter and bananas in the summer- all for a rand a piece. But best of all, you can get makuenea- the world’s greatest invention and the thing I will miss most when I leave (even more than my children). Essentially it’s fried dough about the size of a fist and they are dirt cheap- they won’t be so cheap when I have to have a triple bypass to clear out my arteries from the damage they’ve probably done! But when they are hot and crispy they are soooooo good, I can’t resist them.

So, who wants to come visit and take an enchanting, magical taxi ride with me? Yeah, I only told you all this now because I know none of you are coming and because I knew if my mom knew about the drivers and their “extracurriculars” while driving, she’d worry. The good news is I don’t have many rides left! I’m counting them down- literally. My last trip to Maseru will be in a private vehicle… Ahhhh. Now that’s luxury.