I feel very odd, being an advocate for homebirth who has not yet had a child.

I understand that I have never felt the pain of giving birth, but I also understand that giving birth in the hospital is not optimal. I know that for a low-risk pregnancy, which is what I should be able to have, a hospital is not the best place to be. I trust my own body and know that it will know what to do when the time is right.

I wish I could give the book "Pushed" to all expectant mothers, that I could show "The Business of Being Born" and "Orgasmic Birth" to everyone starting a family.

I wish that I could offer the opportunity of a real, natural birth to everyone.

But I can't.

And part of me feels bad, feels that I should encourage birth wherever it is and whenever it is able to happen, no matter how it happens. I don't want to offend anyone.

I just wish everyone could have an optimal birth...even though I know it's not possible for so many reasons.

First thing is that homebirth by CPMs should be legal in NC. Second is that everyone should be educated on her choice. And third is that nature should be allowed to take its course.

I will not be induced (hormones cannot be manufactured). I will not be drugged. The experience of birth will not be taken from me, nor will it be freely given.

And, no matter what, I will not feel bad for holding on to these beliefs. That, I think, is the worst.

Birth is miraculous, no matter how it happens, and no one should be made to feel bad for how she gave birth. But neither should anyone be silenced for what she believes. It's a two-way street...I say congrats for having a beautiful baby, and you say congrats for having yours, whenever and however that might be.

I just wish that women would have the chance to be more educated on their choices and not assume that the hospital is the only way. I don't wish that anyone would feel bad for the choices she made...all I'm saying is that I wish she would have had the opportunity to make a choice. That's not always the case, once you factor in insurance, doctors, and education.

Anyway...it's all hot air until I've been there...talk to me again once I've had a kid and see how it went. :-)

-A

Things I did in 2008,

( ) stayed single for the whole year

( ) got your first kiss

( ) kissed someone new

(x) made-out in/on a car

(x) kissed in the snow

(x) celebrated Halloween

(x) had a good relationship with someone

(x) suffered

( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation

( ) came out of the closet

(x) gotten married

( ) had a divorce

( ) dated someone you'll never forget

( ) done something you've regretted

( ) lost your true love

( ) lost faith in love

(x) kissed under mistletoe

( ) got a promotion

( ) got a pay raise

(x) changed jobs

( ) waited until one day before to begin a project

( ) lost your job

(x) quit your job

( ) dated a co-worker

( ) dated your boss

( ) dated your boss' daughter/son

( ) got fired from your job

( ) broke the dress code

(x) did something you were proud of

( ) discovered a new talent

(x) proved yourself an idiot

(x) were involved in something you'll never forget

( ) painted a picture

(x) wrote a poem

(x) ran a mile

(x) seen a live concert

( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch

(x) posted a blog on MySpace

(x) listened to music you couldn't stand

( ) went swimming

( ) skinny-dipped

( ) went to a sleepover

(x) went camping

( ) threw a surprise party

(x) laughed till you cried

( ) laughed till you peed in your pants

(x) flirted shamelessly

( ) broke in a line of waiting people

(x) volunteered to help out others

(x) visited a new state/country

(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't

(x) partied to celebrate the new year

(x) cooked a disastrous meal

(x) drove the car drunk

(x) lost something/someone important to you

( ) smoked a cigarette

( ) lied about how old you were

( ) got a gift you adore

(x) got 'shit faced' on alcohol

( ) took a nude picture of yourself

( ) almost got arrested

( ) prank called someone

( ) saw a college football game in person

.:: In 24 hours have you ::.

Showered? No, but I didn't exercise today, so that's all right.

Had a serious talk?: Not really.

Hugged someone? Yes, my husband. :-)

JANUARY 2008

1. Who did you kiss on new years? my husband and my parents

2. Did you have a new year's resolution this year? No, I think they're BS

3. Does it snow where you live? Once in a while, really hard around 2000, I think.

4. Do you like hot chocolate? Not really.

5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop? No way

6. Do you ski or snowboard? I did once, until someone flipped me over.

FEBRUARY 2008

1. Who was your Valentine? We don't really celebrate Valentine's.

2. When you were little did you buy Valentine's for the whole class? Yes

3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not? Not at all

4. What did you get for valentines? I don't remember

MARCH 2008

1. Are you Irish? No

2. Do you wear green every year on St. Patrick's Day? No...unless I knew someone would pinch me for the heck of it

3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2008? Not a thing...except wish my Irish friends a happy day. :-)

4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over? I like winter, so not really.

APRIL 2008

1. Do you like the rain? Sometimes

2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year? Probably

3. Do you get tons of candy on Easter? Yes, even though I told mom not to...still get Cadbury Eggs to make up for that one year as a kid when she didn't get them and I REALLY wanted them and threw a fit

4. Do you celebrate 4/20? I used to, but not for years. :-)

5. Do you "love" the month of April? ...no.

MAY 2008

1. What is your favorite flower? Sterling Roses...and Sunflowers

2. Finish the phrase April Showers bring: May Flowers

3. Do you celebrate May 24th: I don't think so

4. Is May anything special to you? No

JUNE 2008

1. What did you do for Fathers Day? Gave dad a pontoon boat ride...though it was also for his bday

2. Did you do anything fun during this month? (see #1)

3. Have a favorite baseball team? No...I hate baseball.

JULY 2008

1. What did you do on the 1st of July? ...July 1st? You mean the 4th?

2. Did you go to the fireworks? No, but I heard some from our house.

3. Do you tan in the day? If I hike.

AUGUST 2008

1. Did you do anything fun to end the summer? Had a cul-de-sac meet & greet with the new neighbors.

2. What was your favorite memory of summer? It ending.

3. Did you have a sunburn? No, I don't go outside a lot in Raleigh...it's suffocating in the summer. I miss the mountains.

4. Did you go to the pool a lot? I don't do swimming very often, so no.

SEPTEMBER 2008

1. Were you attending school? Nope

2. Do you like fall better than summer? Absolutely

3. Anything special about September to you? Not really.

OCTOBER 2008

1. What was your last Halloween costume? Didn't dress up this year...I guess the last time I dressed up, I was Gabrielle from Xena. I made my own costume. :-)

2. What is your favorite candy? Very dark chocolate...Velvet Sin truffles from The Chocolate Fetish in Asheville (you can order online, people!!!)

3. What is your favorite thing about this month? Cooler weather. And my two wedding anniversaries.

NOVEMBER 2008

1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving? We go to a hotel in Williamsburg.

2. What is your favorite thing about November? Thanksgiving! I love going to Williamsburg. :-)

DECEMBER 2008

1. Do you celebrate Christmas? Kind of. I'm not Christian, but I celebrate with my parents.

2. What are you thankful for? Being home with my family...having food and shelter.

3. Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe? Yes

4. Get anything special last year? Some plates from our registry.

5. Do you go to a formal this year, with who? Nope

Where did you begin 2008? ...2008, I began the year in Lucca, Italy, yelling at our B&B proprietress. 2009 was at the Shriner's ball with my folks.

What was your status on Valentine's Day? Kinda married, kinda engaged.

Were you in school (anytime this year)? No

Did you have to go to the hospital? Yes...f'ing sliced my finger open while working at O'Charley's

Did you know anybody who passed away? Yes, 2 people.

What concerts/shows did you go to? Blue Man Group rock tour, Michael Buble' (ROCKED!), the Nutcracker...I think that was it

Describe your birthday: My parents took me to my favorite restaurant...Anthony and I went to King's Dominion, but he didn't get me ANYTHING as a gift and I will rag him about it until we die. :P

What has been your favorite moment(s)? Our second wedding.

What was your best month(s): Fall.

Overall, how would you rate this? 3. But I'm bored.

Do you have a New Year's resolution? (You already asked this!)

I really don't understand this $700bn bailout.

So banks made loans to people who couldn't pay them back. Now there are bad debts. Whose fault is this? Mine? The government's? The banks'?

So the government wants to BUY the BAD debts. And this makes the government more stable...how? Or is it just that because we have a gazillion dollars in war debt amassing every day that $700bn isn't going to make that much of a difference? Isn't this how Americans get in trouble with credit cards?

How is this a good thing? I'd really like someone to explain this process to me because I can't understand it.

I guess the only good thing I can see coming out of this is that my job is more secure. We sold a lot of equipment to those financial folks and would like them to keep buying stuff.

Just FYI, Facebook has a new feature where users can link LiveJournal entries to Facebook Notes, so as soon as you post something on here, it's posted in Facebook. I'm still not sure what I think about it or if I'm going to keep it this way, but just so folks know why there are a lot more notes appearing from me in Facebook....

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Just for a reminder, folks:

At a 4-way stop, the person who arrives first goes first. If 2-3 people arrive at the exact same moment, the person farthest on the left goes first, then it goes counterclockwise. If 4 people arrive at the exact same time, someone's just got to go first, and then it goes counterclockwise.

Am I the only person in the RTP area who remembers this little lesson from driving school?

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Hurricane Hannah was a bust. Got a lot of rain here, but not much wind. I've heard Ike or whoever (Ivan?) is next is supposed to be worse.

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I'm getting dismayed with politics. It's not even the political system so much right now. Yes, it sucks ass that we only (realistically) have 2 candidates to choose from. And at this point in my life and in my political beliefs, I should be busting my butt for an independent or green candidate. But this election is too important to chance.

People really need to look at the issues and not just what is being said on television.

With the addition of Palin on the elephant ticket, the stance on the issues is even clearer:

1) "pro-life"

No one is pro-abortion. I, for one, don't ever want to have an abortion. I've never been in a position where I've had to have one, and that says something for the good sex ed I had while I was growing up, both from my mother and from programs in my school...all of them talked about more than abstinence (and, btw, abstinence-heavy sex ed does NOT work...trust me, I saw it NOT working in Africa since the only way we could get money from the Bush administration for programs was to teach it..oh yeah, and Palin's daughter). But if I got impregnated by a rapist or something horrible happened to a child growing inside of me, I'd have to consider it. The deal here is that the government shouldn't have a say. The government needs to keep us safe. And if you make abortions illegal, people are still going to have them...they're just going to be a heck of a lot more dangerous and more people are going to die as a result. Besides, aren't there enough unwanted, discarded children in the world already? Why do we want to make more?

2) BANNING BOOKS

Sarah Palin tried to have books with foul language banned in her local library. I'm sorry, but the last people I know of who tried to ban books were either the Nazis or the members of the Apartheid regime in South Africa. No one has any right to tell me what I can or cannot read. Period.

3) Health Care

If you look at the fine print of it, John McCain wants to ELIMINATE employer health care and replace it with a $5,000 voucher or some such nonsense. This means that I, for one, would be paying a heck of a lot more for a heck of a lot less. This will NOT help families with low income. And it will make things a lot worse for those of us with health care provided by employers.

3) Diplomacy

Bombing people is not going to solve anything. I'm sorry. When I get into discussions about this God-forsaken war with my father, a life-long Republican, he says things like Saddam was an evil person and even if he didn't have anything to do with 9/11, he was torturing his people and we should have stopped him. Torture and genocide are happening all around the world in more countries than I can name (mostly because I still suck at geography). We can NOT get involved in all of them. We need to focus on America and fixing America before we decide to go off and fix the rest of the world. We'd be in less danger if we weren't such a threat to everyone else. Sitting down with world leaders and talking isn't going to solve all our problems, but it's a HUGE step in the right direction.

What I really like about Barack:

There are admittedly quite a few things I don't like about Barack. But the things I do like about him are important and, in my mind, outweigh the cons.

When you think about it...what is a president? A president is a manager. And the best managers hire the best people to work with and then let them do their jobs. Barack is an excellent manager. He's smart enough to hire the best and the brightest, and he's smart enough to let them do their jobs without thinking God appointed him the ruler of the world. Just look at what his people have done...he's changed the way campaigns are run for good.

Barack has lived overseas for a number of years. He's experienced 3rd world countries first hand. I know how much I learned about America and myself while I was living overseas, and the fact that he lived in a couple different countries with his mother gives him a world perspective missing from today's government. He didn't just visit...he lived.

Barack can admit he makes mistakes. He's not afraid to change his mind when he learns he got the facts wrong. No one is infallible...the problems arise when people are too ashamed to admit they made mistakes.

Barack knows he can't do it alone. In all of his campaign speeches, he makes sure to say that it's not up to him...it's up to us. Once he's in office, we still have to stay engaged, informed, and active. If we want health care reform, we have to speak up, we have to act. We can't assume he'll do it for us. We can't sit on our butts and pretend everything will be okay.

Barack can write a sentence. If you haven't read his books, I highly recommend them. What I like best about his first book is that it was written before he got into politics, so there's a better chance it isn't skewed by campaigns. He wrote it, in fact, while he was president of the Harvard Law Review. How many of you have that on your resume? He's a smart cookie, and we need that in Washington right now.

(I say being president of the Harvard Law Review trumps being a POW in terms of presidential qualities.)

And if none of that has convinced you, McCain has said himself he doesn't know jack about the economy...and if you haven't noticed, the economy ain't doing so good, so it would be a better idea to elect a leader who can address the problems we're having, don't you think?

Also...unless you make over $250,000 a year, which I doubt many of you reading this are, Obama will be giving you more tax breaks and thus taking less of your money.

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Thanks for sticking with me thus far. Someone has told me recently that I'm more political and he never saw that one coming. Having lived on another continent and having seen how much what we do affects the rest of the world, I sure as heck AM more political...it's important.

I can't believe anyone in his or her right mind would vote for McCain and Palin. Having seen that people are actually considering it has made me more active. I'm even considering participating in a weekly phone bank, though I detest telemarketing.

It's just that...if we lose this election, we'll have missed the boat. It will be too late in 4 years to address problems like the energy crisis and global warming and our recessive economy. McCain isn't going to fix them. And honestly neither is Barack in 4 years, but at least we'll be headed in the right direction.

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Don't take my word for it.

Go look for yourself.

Love always,

-A

Okay, maybe that's an overstatement because I'm in an "Inside SAN" class and don't understand all that much...granted I'm not paying as much attention as I should be.

But when I met with "my engineer," David, on Tuesday to talk about the next release I'll be working on, I understood everything he said...and I was really proud of myself for it. :-)

And then he sent this email to my manager:

From: ********, David

Sent: Wednesday, August 27, 2008 12:02 PM

To: ********, Sheryl

Cc: ********, Allison

Subject: RE: Cautions pages for review

Sheryl,

I’m sure Allison has kept you updated as this has been un-folding, but I just want to drop you a note and let you know that Allison is doing a wonderful job helping keep this thing moving forward. I know Engineering and NGS can be demanding at times, but Allison is has been very accommodating with providing very timely updates and responding to our inquiries in a very professional manner! Thanks Allison!

Sincerely,

David

And then my manager sent this to me in response to another email this morning:

From: *********, Sheryl

Sent: Thursday, August 28, 2008 12:41 PM

To: *********, Allison

Subject: RE: EHU 5.0 phase 1/2

Well, you should know that Brian [who is David's manager, the manager of the host team I'll be working with] said great things about you in the program review today too.

Nothing better than entirely unsolicited and unexpected praise, especially when it comes from people about a dozen times smarter than I am. :-)

It's almost enough to make up for the lady who went to my manager a couple of weeks ago to complain that my interactions with her made her "feel insecure" and like she "didn't know what [she] was doing."

("No one can make you feel insecure," replied my manager.)

Well, I've been here for a little over 6 months, and that was my first instance of the dreaded "high-school drama," so I'll count myself lucky.

Love y'all,

-A

(PS: It's 49 days until the wedding. That's not very many. Am I nervous? No. Am I stressed? No...although there are a lot of things left to do, it's almost enjoyable.)

You know what's odd?

I was just reading a book by Mas Oyama, the founder of the karate school I now belong to (Kyokushin), and there's a chapter call "Karate and Zen" followed by one called "Breath Control and Mind Control." In both, he talks about karate and zen...well, that's obvious if you were paying attention.

The interesting thing was he brought up a fact that the founders of Zen Buddhism, and in fact going all the way back to the big (or small, depending on how you look at it) Buddha dude himself, trained in karate...because one can't sit all day and do nothing without wasting away and they all knew that. Oyama's point was that Buddhism, and Zen in particular in his view, dropped the physical training aspect of the spiritual practice. (Although, to be fair, they do include working meditation on retreats, which includes things like gardening.)

So out of curiosity I googled "karate and zen" and came up with some interesting finds...including verification for Oyama's statements. It seems that karate practice, originally Kempo according to one source, was an integral part of the training of Buddhist monks.

The reason this is odd to me is that I found a home in Zen on my own, independent of outside influences...it was the first "religion" that meshed with my beliefs and didn't require me to conform to its. And I found a home in karate on my own...actually by chance, as I stumbled upon Gator doing kata in the aerobics room of the ASU gym and asked if he'd teach me to use the sais. But I'm not a good meditator...it's difficult for me to set the time aside every day to meditate, and I feel a bit bad about that as meditation is really the only thing you have to do in order to call yourself a Buddhist (and it's extremely helpful in daily life, I admit) and I don't do it...but I've felt I get my meditation in during karate practice. It's one of the few times when I can't think, when I just AM. As soon as a thought pops into my head, whether it's the next move I'm supposed to do or what I'm going to eat for dinner, I mess up.

I think it's really cool that I accidentally found my way into doing the things that are right for me...in the way they used to be done. OSU. :-)

I just figured I'd hop in and give a little update...although not much has changed.

My job's still going well...Anthony's still looking for better work. He applied for a move up in Earth Fare, but we're still having issues with getting all our bills paid.

We signed up to start in the Big Brothers, Big Sisters program here in Durham. I got matched to a cute little girl...our first outing is today, and I'm taking her to a Paint-your-own pottery place. I don't have much money to spend, but she said she doesn't really like parks or walking around or museums...so I'm a bit limited in terms of free activities. There's the zoo and the planetarium and all that kind of stuff, but all that costs money, too.

The house is doing well. It's getting its quarterly spray for bugs as I type. I like the bug guys...shout out to Custom Termite & Pest, who have been watching over my house for as long as I can remember. I think the guy who did my parents' house, Lee, used to work for Terminex and then we switched over to this place when he moved. I think that's how the story goes, anyway.

When I get to work on Monday, I will finally have my own cube! The engineering department is being moved to a different building so we can spread out a bit more. I didn't mind sharing all that much, but it will be nice to be able to go to work and have at least an hour or so before I have to have a conversation. And I won't have to hear folks on the phone or eating lunch or having visitors or what have you.

Next Friday is another company bowling day. Pizza, beer, and bowling...what more could engineers want?

It's almost my 28th birthday. I'm happy about that because ever since I was little, 28 seemed like a magical year for me...like a lot of really good things were going to happen. It was the age I wanted to have a kid, but I think now that I'm here, I'd like to wait a bit longer.

We have a karate belt test next week...sensei mentioned skipping me a belt because of my prior training, but I'll have to prove my worth. I don't much care about what color I'm wearing...the only thing that gets me is that I have to defer to people who have less experience and less skill than I do. That annoys me. In particular, it annoys me about this one guy in our dojo who can be a real ass sometimes. I wish I didn't have to bow to him so much. If I get skipped, though, we'll be the same color...except I'll STILL have to defer to him because he'll have been in the dojo longer. I think.

What else...oh, my company will let me attend the summer MFA program at Sewanee, but it will be a leave of absence, so I won't get paid or get vacation time or have 401(k) contributions etc...so I don't know if we can afford it. I know we can't if Anthony's job situation doesn't change significantly. We wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage.

The wedding is sneaking up on us. My mother-in-law is going to come out with my dress on August 22nd...then the 29th we'll go up and have a tasting with the caterer who was changed on us. I've taken care of gifts for my bridesmaids and my bridesman...I don't know what Anthony's doing for his folks.

We're going to Oklahoma for the wedding of one of Anthony's friends in September. We can't afford that, either, but I know he really wanted to go, and I haven't met any of his friends from before, so that seems strange. So we'll sacrifice a bit and make that happen.

And I think that about does it.

I hope you're all doing well...I'm looking forward to seeing most of you at the wedding, and I wish I could see you sooner...but as Gator said, either you have the time or the money...rarely both at the same time, eh?

-A

FALLING FOR IT

Look at all the people in their living rooms

With their eyes all glued to the evening news

Catch ‘em at a moment when they’re all afraid

And then sell them well on the plans you’ve made

All the citizens who listen and believe

Falling just the same

Falling into line cause we did not know

Of the bait and switch and the shadow show

When you faked the truth, to make your claims

You played our fears, for your own gain

Then we needed a leader and you’re all we had

So we told ourselves you were not that bad

You took the opportunity to have your way

While our wounds still bled we were led astray

All the the fears that came descending on us then

Falling just the same

Falling like the towers in a cloud that hung

So it blocked our view and it hid the sun

When our eyes were down, in all that pain

With your slight of hand, you cast the blame

You said that it was over when it had just begun

Saying: “Job well done,” as if the war was won

But all of us are watching as the numbers climb

Of the killed and injured, dead and dying

All the soldiers that have fallen in this war

Falling just the same

Falling for the trick that you played on us

When you made those lies and betrayed our trust

As if this war, was just your game

You’re breaking down - our country’s name

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David Wilcox RULES.

That is all.

(http://davidwilcox.com/)

So I have an old acquaintance who likes to copy articles he finds on the 'net and post them as MySpace bulletins. Sometimes they're his own thoughts, but I'm honestly not sure which is which sometimes. Here's the one from today:

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Obama's 1% (Shit Floats Down Stream) Tax Increase

I am aware that many of you are exercising the idea of voting for Barack Obama. Along with your vote, I would like to explain something that you will be electing for us in our near future. I hope that most of you have heard of Obama's plan to raise taxes on the "rich" or 1%. Well, I dislike to be the one to tell you, but taxes are alike shit. They float down hill. 2/3rds of the tax payers in this bracket are small business owners. 70% of the entire American population works for small businesses. I am talking about you and me. When the companies that we work for get more taxes taken out, they lose a very important part of their profit. How do you think they will fix their problem? I don't think that they will just take the hit and deal with the 20,000+ dollars that they lose. Usually, when a business loses money they increase the price of their product/service, withhold bonuses and/or raises and most commonly, they fire a few people to make up for the profit lose. So, by increasing the taxes for the smucks that most all of us laugh at and call names, we will be the ones who will lose out. Obama keeps saying that he has extra money to spend, ways to fix the government budget etc cetera. Just remember, he is referring to your money.

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I replied to these posts for the first time, and I just wanted to share my response:

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So...instead we should vote for someone who will continue the war in Iraq indefinitely and even add more troops (http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2007-02-26-mccain-cover_x.htm), begin a war in Iran and God knows where else (http://www.globalresearch.ca/index.php?context=va&aid=7924), oppose abortion and women's rights (http://www.salon.com/opinion/conason/2008/04/11/mccain_abortion/), screw up the health care system even more by *eliminating* employer health care (http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/07/03/opinion/main4231353.shtml), continue the failed no-child-left-behind bullshit that is crippling our schools (http://nmindependent.mypublicsquare.com/view/mccain-and-no-child), raise the largest deficit in history to an even more historical number (http://thinkprogress.org/wonkroom/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/budget.pdf)... I mean, I could go on for days.

I'd rather have a president who can admit when he's wrong, change policies when they need to be changed based on facts, tell the truth, open a dialogue with the world's leaders (even if they're our past enemies), get our troops out of Iraq and back where they need to be, work toward alternative energy sources, begin eliminating the debt (which means raising taxes somewhere)...and, again, I could go on for days.

And by the way...Obama IS spending my money...I gave it to him. First time I've ever contributed money to a politician...I believe in him that much.

I highly suggest reading Obama's books. It might give you a bit more insight into who he is and where he's coming from. He's not perfect, but he's already reformed the face of politics...and he hasn't even gotten started yet.

Hope you're doing well. :-)

-A

I was trolling through here the other day, bored, wondering why it was that no one posted anymore. None of my "friends," anyway. Monkey was the only one for a while, now he's gone a bit quiet...my pal Amy posts occasionally.

And then all of a sudden people started posting again!

It makes me wonder...about how they say existence is as you make it. Or be careful what you wish for.

I once wondered what it would be like to be in the hospital. Then I was hospitalized for asthmatic bronchitis a week or two later. Did I know it would happen or did it happen because I wanted it to? I've had a lot of those instances in my life...enough to be careful what I wish for.

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I've been missing Lesotho a lot lately. A bit of that always comes with updates from the lovely Violeta. Seeing Katiso in her pictures really threw me for a loop...the reactions he elicits in me haven't changed a bit.

I watched some of the videos I took on my camera before I left...my kids singing my favorite hymn, our wedding, a cornered Katiso giving me a speech in Sesotho about how much he'd learned from me and how much I'd learned there, speeches from our COS conference.... Not sure if it made it better or worse, my nostalgia.

And I'm also in the middle of a Nadine Gordimer read-a-thon. I went to the library to order a book that I can't find anywhere and thought I'd get some other things while I was there, so I came home with 3 more Gordimer books. So reading about South Africa and "Basotholand" is also adding to the situation.

Anthony said to me once, "We were free in Lesotho." And it's true...we were extraordinarily restricted, but we were free in ways we will never be again.

I hope my memories will sustain me. I can't afford a $1,500 plane ticket right this second.

-A

So I met with the personal trainer here yesterday and we looked at my exercise regimen. Really, there's no reason for me not to be losing weight. I mean, check this out:

MONDAY:

30 minute run @ 5.7 mph; 3 1-minute intervals at 6.2

20 minutes strength training

TUESDAY:

1 hour of Pilates on the equipment

1.5 hours @ karate

WEDNESDAY:

30 minute run @ 5.7; incline up to 1.5%

interval cardio training

THURSDAY:

1.5 hours @ karate

FRIDAY:

30 minute run @ 5.7 mph; 3 1-minute intervals at 6.2

30 minutes strength training

SATURDAY:

1.5 hours @ karate

SUNDAY:

(rest)

...and I wouldn't say my diet is bad. I eat mostly organic stuff; no white bread, potatoes, or refined sugars. My portions are probably a little bigger than they need to be, but come on...there's not much more I can do save for devote my life to training my body.

And then the trainer did a body fat index measurement...and I get the lovely score of 35%.

I looked at the computer calculations..."I'm obese," I said.

"Well," he replied, "yes, technically, according to the textbook definitions, that is considered obese."

So there you go. A LOVELY boost to one's self-confidence.

-------

Work's still going well. Been stuck in the land of XML for a while, which is pretty much the same as coding to me...I know it's nothing like coding, but the process is similar in my mind. (I did take a semester of C++, so I have a tiny idea of what I'm talking about.) Just sometimes tedious, but you get in a groove and get things done.

I have an interview today with Big Brothers, Big Sisters. Anthony & I decided that's something we wanted to do, so we'll see how that goes. Luckily NetApp gives us 40 hours of paid volunteer time off, so I'm able to skip off to do things like this. Awesome benefit, I think.

Saw Dave Matthews last night. I don't know that I like the lives shows...they digress into 10-minute jam sessions after every song, which I'm sure is cool for them, but it's a bit too Grateful-Deady for me...the songs stop going somewhere and start heading nowhere. I do love Dave's facial expressions and his little boogie, and there's no doubt all those guys (and Tim Reynolds was with them) are extraordinarily talented. I think I'll stick with the CDs. I've been to 3 or 4 Dave concerts and haven't been thrilled with any.

Okay, gotta get some work done...have an hour-long meeting with my manager before I'm off to the interview.

With love from the obese girl,

-A

I don't feel touched by much these days.

I've had a few friends recently dealing with relationship issues...bad break-ups, unexpected and then terminated pregnancies, emotional confusion....

I have a friend whose spouse (in all but name) is spending all her time in the hospital with a dying grandfather.

...my emotional numbness started in Africa. Once you see the real cycle of life without the American white-washing, things don't seem as devastating....

I remember a friend telling me someone close to him was dying of cancer. I wanted so badly to feel empathy, to help share the pain, and all I could think of was, "Well, he's an older guy...at least he's not dying at 26 of AIDS and leaving a troop of orphans with no way to provide for themselves."

I don't know how I'll feel when (not if) the people closest to me leave in one way or another...death, disease, mental illness, divorce, a change of mind and/or heart. I tried to explain my philosophy to my mother by using Anthony as an example. As much as I love him, and heaven please forbid this from happening, if he were to die suddenly, I would be wrecked in one instant at hearing the news...I would be sad beyond my imagining for a time, and I would miss him for the rest of my days...but I'd get on with life. Anthony wouldn't want me to waste away pining for him. He'd want me to miss him but to move on. That kind of pain is selfish, in a way, in my mind...Anthony would no longer feel, he'd be released back into the energy. The pain is selfish, a "He won't be here to hug me anymore" kind of pain.

Anyway, when friends are going through these things, I feel a little sad that they're feeling pain. But so far things have kind of skimmed over me...these issues could be so much worse.

Two things that have happened in the past two weeks haven't skimmed over me, and I've been curiously examining my response to them.

A young woman who served with us in Lesotho...her boyfriend served in Swaziland at the same time, but he was sent home because they discovered he had a brain tumor. She left a couple months early to be with him. He passed away last week...he was 36, I think, maybe 38. I wonder if it's the youth that gets me, or the irreversibility of the disease. Or my sympathy and my imagining myself in her place.

And Amy, another young woman who was with us in Lesotho...her whole neighborhood has been flooded, her house is beyond saving. As of about 7am EST this morning, she'd been called from the hotel she was staying in to go to pack up and remove everything they could carry and transport.... I think in this case it's that histories are being washed away, beyond saving. I don't really know why it hit me the way it did. I mean, it's a house...they've still got their health, their lives; they're still able to get back to take some things, not everything has been lost. I suppose I'm imagining my own loss if something like that were to happen...the pictures, the journals I'd been keeping since I was a tiny girl. My history. My immortality through fame.

-------

I don't know.

What I'd say is this....

If your life has not been directly touched by tragedy, rejoice.

If your friends and/or family are suffering, be there to listen and support.

And if something bad has happened to you, try to be thankful for what still remains....

Others are gone, but your life still remains as a testament to love of them, so long as you live it.

Things are damaged, but you are untouched and able to repair, to restore, to rebuild, to continue.

Hearts are broken, but no one has passed away.

And for me, I will try to live by that as well...and I will try to remember the Basotho, who, in the face of daily tragedy beyond our American capability to understand, recognize the cyclic nature of life, the ebbs and flows, and always face the world with a smile and a song.

My thoughts and love are with you all,

-A

So this is me yesterday, inside NetApp HQ building number 2:

"Hi, I'm from RTP, where we only have one building. So I've found buildings 1, 2, 3, 7, 10, and 11, but I need to be in building 4 and am having a really hard time finding it."

*sigh*

-------

My first two days here in CA were spent at conferences where the top execs of the company come and give talks and have Q&A sessions. Some of it was really interesting, some of it was elucidating, and most of it didn't pertain to me or my group and was thus a bit boring.

The food was *great* though. There were vegetarian and even (gasp!) vegan options at BOTH luncheons. I made some comments about RTP food and had resounding backup from other RTP-ers. It's probably the only thing I have to complain about at work. I haven't yet been to the Sunnyvale cafeteria, but I'm going today...heard it's pretty darn good with lots of options.

Yesterday & today, I've been in training for DITA (Darwin Information whatwhat...basically a specified form of XML). It hasn't been bad...getting me ready for my next project.

I haven't done much exploring, so I'm getting out of here today at lunch to go walk around a redwood forest that's not too far away.

I did get to visit my pal who works at Google (and told him I like bragging that I have a friend who works at Google...he apparently gets that a lot and doesn't seem to mind). What a place! It's a huge campus, and it's got perks I wouldn't have even thought of to want. If I stay in this field (and I just might; I'm enjoying it) and ever want to move to CA (and I just might; while it's been in the 90s all week in Raleigh, it's still a nice 70-something with a breeze here), I might set my bar a bit higher and aim to be a Noogler. For now, I'm happy at NetApp...they've got everything I need and have been extraordinarily awesome about getting me up on my feet and running.

Home tomorrow...back to my lovely bed, which I miss very much.

And my fiance, whom I miss almost as much as my bed...hehe.

-------

By the way, it's HARD to drive a regular car after you've driven nothing but a Prius for years & years. True, I drove a rental car in RSA, but everything was on the other side of the car...I expected it to be different. This is ridiculous. I miss my car, too.

-------

Anyway, love to you all...hope you're not melting in the heat (and isn't it still "spring"?). I'll be sweating along with you again tomorrow!

-A

So a week behind schedule doesn't seem to be TOO bad. The underwriter apparently got a bee in her bonnet and decided she needed to know my life history, so we were held up by waiting for employment verification from my pre-Peace Corps employer, who happened to be vacationing in London. (Peace Corps apparently wasn't "gainful employment" enough to satisfy anybody.)

I think they have all they need and I think we're closing tomorrow afternoon. Which is great... I have an 8am conference call, 10am appt with the personal trainer, 2pm phase-review meeting...and then 3:30 closing.

Who's taking me out for drinks after that kind of a day?

So instead of moving in slowly, we'll be packing up shop on the 10th and moving it all at once...not that there's a lot to move. I AM a bit worried about how to get the bed upstairs...it's a tight corner at the top of the stairs there. I'm sure we'll figure it out.

-------

It also seems like a lot of my friends are going through stressful times. Breakups, money trouble, job hunting, a couple more serious things not to be mentioned in passing.

I remember when I was running with my old crew (I sound like a G, huh?!) back in the day...it seemed like we all had hard times at the same time. Everything hit all at once. It didn't happen like that in Africa...just wondering why it works like that here.

And speaking of the old crew...keep finding more and more on Facebook (mostly school people) and MySpace (mostly the old Raleigh crew). It's interesting and strange. I wish the two sites were consolidated. I like the Facebook layouts better...not so assaulting.

-------

I got new glasses. They're nifty.

-------

I'm ready to be in our house. I need more space...we've been cooped up in a tiny area for too long and it's wearing on our relationship.

I need a kitchen I can actually use.

I love my parents, but coming home at the end of the day, it kinda sucks to be faced with 3 people who need things, have questions, want answers. It's not anybody's fault, but I get snappy and bitchy, and that doesn't do any good. I think decompression time and space will be great. AND not having to travel on 540 for 2 hours a day. YAY!

-------

Mother's Day is coming up...I hate Hallmark holidays.

Work going well. Waiting on reviews of a couple things. Getting ready to go to Cali the first week of June...should be fun.

Going to Oklahoma weekend after next...hope I get to see (but not be inside) a tornado.

-------

I love you guys and hope we all pull through this bumpy part in the year....

For now, I'm off to take a stroll around the Cisco campus with my coworkers. :-)

-A

I think I posted more when I was in Lesotho. And I think I kept in better contact with people while I was there, too. I still love writing letters...if anyone wants more regular updates, we should become pen-pals! (I'm being serious here. Who doesn't love mail that doesn't involve owed money?)

Work is still going well. I think I'm doing okay. Everyone says I'm doing a good job...I'm still figuring things out, though.

I'm exercising regularly. I saw NetApp's personal trainer almost a month ago and he gave me a new routine to get in to...it about killed me the first week, but I'm good with it now. I also added Pilates 2 days a week, and I can't describe how happy it makes me...it's weird, but I LOVE those machines with the torture-rack names. I always leave feeling taller and more happy.

We did the walk-through of the house today. Well, dad and Anthony did most of it...I was there for about an hour and a half. And that wasn't really my fault. Our realtor said the inspection took half a day but the walk-through would take an hour and a half, but she apparently had the two confused. The inspector took an hour and a half and said our home was very well built and we only had 3 issues they should address. The walk-through was basically showing us the features of the house and who to call when it blew up.

Anyhow, Anthony and I also went by Sears in the afternoon and "bought" (if you can call it that...he just signed a piece of paper) a washer & dryer. Crazy expensive to get the ones we wanted (i.e. the Energy Star version), but I think it'll be worth it. Sears also has a great warranty, but it cost extra, of course.

So as of the 30th, we will own a house and be in debt more than I can even fathom right this second. And as of the 2nd, we will be in debt but also in clean clothes. ;-)

What else...oh, I looked at my phone minutes today and realized that in a month, I'd used 98 peak minutes. Which means that 1350-anytime-minutes plan I got was a big-ol' waste of money. (I attribute this lack of phone usage to the fact that I have basically no friends and the ones I do have either have Verizon too and thus can talk with me for free or we talk on the weekends when it doesn't count.) Luckily, because I got my phone and plan through my work, the agent out in sunny CA can switch my plan easily, or so it appears. I told her to switch it if it's easy or I'd keep what I had if it was too much hassle. Again, we shall see. Seems like I should have gotten the baby 450-minute plan, huh?

I don't think I like talking on the phone, anyway. I don't really know what to say. I wish I could come visit people. I miss Gator & Miss Marie tons...need to plan a long weekend to go down before gas becomes $4/gallon...so, uh, next week. And Monkey's only 2 hours away, and I still haven't met his lady, which I think is just unforgivable on my part, so I should definitely get out there, if only for a day trip. Then there's Boone...and all the trees I have yet to hug upon my return. *sigh* Maybe once we get settled in the house, we can escape it.

I think the plan is to move the 2nd week in May...use the first weekend to install more towel racks and get some things set up so we don't have to do it once we move in. (Like we have tons of stuff to move...our big items are the bed, the cat tree, and the papazan chair.)

Oh! I got a letter from one of my Form E students from last year. It was really nice, but it didn't fill me with pride in regards to the English I "taught" him, that's for sure. I'm just happy to be thought of and remembered. I hope he gets in to the university there and moves on up in life. It'd be a waste for him not to.

Well, I love you guys...and if you want my address so we can become pen-pals again or my phone number so you can use up my anytime minutes, shoot me a line (and be prepared to carry the conversation!). :-)

I just got my first txt message from Lesotho! My, how things come full-circle.

It was from Mr. X. I sent a batch of messages yesterday to a few contacts giving them my number...no clue if they were delivered or not, if I could receive responses, any of that. Got a message from X today saying he wanted my e-mail address (WHA?!) and that he had a steady girlfriend (even MORE unbelievable!).

Just nice to know the world really is pretty small and that the guy who was one of my best friends there wasn't just in it for the prestige of knowing the white girl.

Also, making it a good day...I did my 30-min jog on the treadmill in the morning and am going in a few to meet with the complimentary personal trainer offered by work. And I'm actually starting real work...although I've noticed that behind that same door is all the drama I was avoiding. Two sides to every door, eh?

-TKao

No, don't worry, I'm not pregnant yet.

But do you remember that episode of Sex & the City where Miranda finds out she's pregnant and everyone comes up to her, all excited? And she felt like she was expected to be jumping up and down for joy when really she was unsure about the whole thing...and she plastered that fake smile on her face and said, "It's a boy! Hooray!"

I kinda feel like that about this new house thing. Everyone's so excited that we're entering into a deal for our first house.

I had wanted to wait a little bit...get on our feet financially, get a feel for how things were going to work. But Anthony was SO excited about this house. And, really, it's a great house...has everything we were looking for, pretty much literally everything.

It's just that now all I can think about is how in the hell we're going to pay for it. I just got my first paycheck and minus the $700 the government took out (and I'm only exaggerating by like $4 here), I don't have enough money to pay off the deposit on the house, the money for the appraiser, and the balance on my credit card that accumulated while I didn't have a job that paid much.

So next month my check is going to go to the balance on my cards. And hopefully I'll have enough left to eat on.

Anthony's in pretty much the same boat, minus the credit cards. He'll have enough money to eat and for a tank of gas until the next paycheck. And he wasn't quite able to pay half of the house stuff we owe together.

Then, on top of that, what comes to my mind about this house is how there's going to be nothing in it. We have a bed. We have bathroom stuff. We have my papazan chair. And that's it, for a 3-bedroom house. It'll be fun filling it up, but it's going to be expensive, and it's going to take a lot of time. So if you're planning on visiting, plan on sitting on the floor.

-------

Work is going wonderfully, on the other hand. I've gotten nothing but positive feedback from people...making me feel like I'm quickly catching up to speed. I feel like I've been in private tutoring sessions for the past 2 weeks, and it's almost exam time. My manager met with me Thursday and presented the puzzle they've been working on and wanted my input on how to "Free the Host Utilities!"

She's great. She was showing me the new PowerPoint template that went with our new re-branding, and it has these "happy, jumping people" on the front slide. It took me a second to realize they were jumping out of the blue gateway, our new logo. She was laughing about it, asking if I'd ever seen people who looked like that around the office. I told her she should jump like that out of the doorways from now on, so we did...much to the amusement of a gentleman walking around the corner.

-------

Today I'm going to meet with my old pal from high school. We haven't seen each other much at all since we graduated, haven't kept in touch. I've never known why for sure, but I've had some guesses. It'll be nice to see her again...went to her wedding the other week and told her we positively had to get together. Her mom was really happy to see me. She was understandably busy...hehe.

I wish you all well...and if you try to congratulate me about the house, don't expect me to burst into spontaneous gaiety. You might see me leaping out of doorways, though.

-A

So I've been here at NetApp for 3 days now.

It seems like it's going to be a great place to work, but for now, I've got to get through the beginning stages...meeting everyone (and I mean that literally), learning about network storage and an O/S I've never heard of before...figuring out what my role here is exactly and what I'm actually going to be doing.

Everyone is really nice and patient...willing to walk me through everything.

But I've been inundated with so much info that my brain feels heavy and tired. For the past 2 years, I've been using info...learning a little every day. Now I'm not using...I'm only taking in, and I'm taking in a ton.

It'll get better and easier. But it's like being in school for 8 hours a day solid. And that'd be something I'd be jumping for joy about, except instead of learning English and writing, I'm learning about computer storage systems.

-------

Also, when I put on weight when I got back to the US, it was all around my belly, and I swear that no matter what I do, I now have one of those spare tires around my midsection. It's ugly and annoying, and I want it to go away.

Suggestions?

-------

Looks like I'll be traveling to Sunnyvale in Silicon Valley in June for a conference or two. Never been there, so that's kinda exciting.

Catch ya on the flip-side.

-A

Well, I said if this interview didn't pan out, I was going to quit...so luckily it worked out that I can do both: get a job and quit interviewing!

So I am (or will be next week when I sign paperwork) the newest member of the technical writing team at NetApp (www.netapp.com)...which is short for Network Appliance. They run storage systems and make sure all the little components are compatible between different manufacturers, O/S, etc...I don't grasp all the technical stuff yet, but that will come with my training.

The funny thing was that they didn't like my resume in terms of my technical background. And that's because it's tailored for editing jobs. But when I say, "Well, both my parents worked for IBM for over 30 years," it kind of gives me a leg up because that somehow compensates for my own lack of technical ability. I have been working with computers for a very long time, but never in a professional sense.

But I convinced them I was smart enough to learn whatever they needed me to learn and enthusiastic about doing technical writing. And I think I will be once I learn all the technical stuff. But it's hard to get excited about writing software documentation. It's a job...and NetApp is a GREAT company to work for (rated #7 on the national "best companies to work for" list). Good benefits, literally twice the salary I was shooting for, and perks like free beer and snacks every Friday afternoon at 3. No dress code...they said I could come in wearing shorts and flip-flops if I wanted to. And flexible hours...I can work whatever 8-hour shift makes me feel most comfortable. Stock options, health care...you name it. So I think I can learn whatever they want me to learn. :)

It takes a big load off my shoulders, though. Anthony and I could comfortably live on that salary alone. It'd be awesome to have two significant incomes, but now there isn't so much worry about how to get out of this house...in a month, we'll be in our own place finally.

I do feel bad about O'Charley's. They love me there (who wouldn't?), and I actually have fun doing the job. But I can't work 8 hours plus 5 serving food. I'll talk with them tonight...maybe I could just do a couple shifts on the weekend or something for a while until I get totally burnt out. We'll see. Maybe I'll just quit all together. But I don't want to...I like them there and don't want to shaft them.

Anyway, I feel much better now.

And we got to see the Blue Man Group last night...that was pretty cool. We were close enough to smell the paint. I've seen them 3 times in Vegas and once at Walnut Creek, then this was at the RBC center. Not much was new...and I like the Vegas show MUCH better than the traveling one, but it was still a good time, and I think Anthony enjoyed it...he'd never seen them before.

I also got a long email from my replacement volunteer at Senkoase. It was a mass email, but I'm glad I was included. It made me really homesick for Lesotho. It sounds like she's doing a great job.

Salang hantle, bakhotsi ba ka,

-A

I got up this morning with the beginnings of a cold and went to exercise...did kickboxing and then my weights routine. Got home and showered, ate a hurried breakfast, and went to work.

I ran my ass off at work...for no tips because I'm still in training. (Thank goodness I get to work for real tomorrow.)

I get off at 2:20. I come home, start my period, change into jeans, and make a shake for lunch because there isn't time for anything else.

Drove 30 minutes to Earth Fare to get Anthony...in my '98 Explorer Sport, which doesn't drive for shit anymore and scared the crap out of me on the highway. Took Anthony to the DMV, where I sat and waited for like an hour and a half with a screaming child behind me. The thing didn't stop chattering or moaning or crying the entire time. Took headache pills.

Get home, mom's asking me questions about following up with these jobs I've interviewed for. Which I've already done but do again to placate her...probably pissing these people off that I keep pestering them.

Look in the fridge, decide I want Chinese food. Am already in PJs and don't want to go out. Mom says Dad eats Chinese food all the time...ask him. He's in the bathroom getting ready to go somewhere and snaps at her for bothering him. He tells me there's a buffet nearby.

I get frustrated and go upstairs and just start brushing my teeth. It's just not worth it. I keep gaining weight anyway and should stop eating. There's nothing else to do besides rot my brain on the tv or go to bed, so I'm going to bed.

Anthony and I aren't talking much.

I just feel like crying. So instead I took some NyQuil...see you guys later.

-A

I don't have to work this weekend after all...regular manager gone and the assistant doesn't want to mess with me over the weekend, especially when I don't have an official shirt. Heaven forbid I'm on the floor in a normal shirt. Even though I was on Wed. I don't mind, though. Time to exercise and clean and relax...broke as a joke.

I got an email from the Sewanee School of Letters saying I was accepted to their grad program and should be expecting an official letter next week. I should be excited, but I'm not. I can't afford it. And I can't figure out how I'm going to get there. My dad thinks I should go, and I REALLY want to...but what job is going to give me my summers off? And what if I start this summer and then can't from now on? That would blow. And being unemployed, how am I going to afford going?

Plus, I was expecting to get in. I've never been rejected by a school before. My academic records are impressive. And, besides, the director of this program and I wrote letters to each other while I was in Lesotho...and he told me he was friends with one of my ASU professors, so I asked that professor to write me a recommendation. So expectations make it less exciting.

Now my biggest worry is that one of these tech jobs (I've interviewed for 2...plus one journalism job in Aiken, SC, and the magazine editor one in W-S) is going to call and say I'm hired and then I'll find out I got that kickass magazine editor job. And it'll be too late.

9am phone interview Monday for Teach for America...a placement program affiliated with AmeriCorps. It'll be just what I did in Lesotho, except with a real salary. Yippie?

Off to kickboxing....

-A

Well, I joined the ranks of the working force...although not in the capacity I wanted. I had my first night of training at O'Charley's tonight (the new one in Wake Forest), and my feet are already killing me. I have to have a whopping 30 hours of training before I can serve my own tables and get tips, so I'm doing doubles Fri-Sun...for minimum wage. And seriously, I'm doing just as much work as the server I'm "training" with...even reminded her of stuff she needed to be doing sometimes, or stuff she forgot.

But everyone seems nice...oldest working crew I've ever been with, so I hope that cuts down on the drama llamas.

Tomorrow I have an interview at 11am in Winson-Salem for the launch of Skirt! magazine...in affiliation with the Journal there. I'm uber excited about the job and hope I get it...it's something I'd really enjoy doing...magazine editor. The website for the mag looks pretty cool. Women's mag without the anorexic buffet, from what I can tell.

Friday morning at 9, I have a phone interview with NetApp for a tech writing position. Another cool company, and I could do the job, but I'm just not a tech writer at heart. My parents have some friends that work there, although they can't help me get the job...probably for the best...and the owner of the company, or a co-owner of it anyway, is the father of my very first fiance! That's right...I was engaged at age 3 to a boy named Eric. (We were going to get married at age 6.) We didn't stay in touch at all. Kind of a shame...his family is richer than God. (They rent their private jet to friends for a discounted rate of $1500 an hour.)

Other than that, it's all fried-food running for me.

Lost a total of about 12lbs on that cleansing diet. Not too shabby. Felt like crap today...my first day of eating. I couldn't eat dinner I was so full of food, and I didn't eat much for breakfast or lunch.

Anthony and I are a bit distant...I think computers and TVs and movies and exercise and now my work are keeping us in different places at different times. I go to bed earlier, so I don't see him at night. I've been busting my ass to try to find work (I've applied to every writer/editor job on the internet) and he hasn't done much but apply to 3 restaurants (I even applied to more of those)...and I think that's because he knows I need to find something, and if I end up finding a job in Winston and he finds one in like Wilmington or something there's going to be a problem...so I think he's waiting for me. But I hate cleaning all the time and working and coming home to find he's been drinking and watching movies with my dad. I've always been old-fashioned, and I always had this idea of being taken care of...and I guess that's not the way it works, and that's all right, but I've just got to get used to it.

I guess the life of housewife isn't in the stars for me. :)

I'd probably be bored with it, anyway.

Wait...no I wouldn't.

Anyway, keep your fingers crossed for me...I'm ready to have a real job now.

Love always,

-A

No luck with jobs so far. I've applied to everything I possibly can online. I went to an interview yesterday that seemed to have gone well, but I don't know...I felt really young and inexperienced. We'll see.

And even the restaurants around here aren't hiring, so I can't even find a part-time job.

Yay.

Even though all my friends are exhausted, I'm really jealous of their employment. And very frustrated.

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So I put on some weight after I left Africa. Due to illness, I actually left the country only a couple of pounds over what I came in with, so I was feeling all right...but a month straight of vacation and not much exercise and lots of eating can do a number on a girl.

I used to be really heavy...I think 238 before I got on track. At my lowest, I think I was 182. And I felt great...really confident, really happy, really active.

And to tell the truth, I don't think I look that different now than I did when I left. But what happened is that I got used to being a bit thinner, so now that I put on some weight, I'm real hard on myself about it and feel like a fat slob and ugly and all that stuff. (The equations "Skinny = Beautiful" and "Fat = Worthless" were put into my head at a very young age and beat into my head over my forming years.)

My mom lost some weight on this cleansing diet that one of her friends sells (she's in a networking group of women who own their own businesses), so I agreed to try it...see if I can at least jump-start my metabolism to get back to where I was.

Two days of "pre-cleanse" were okay...2 shakes a day and one low-calorie meal. The ingredients of the shake aren't bad at all. I mean, I wouldn't do SlimFast...but this stuff is as close to natural as something like this could be. Which is to say...not entirely natural, but not bad.

Yesterday and today I've been on the 2-day "cleanse" part, where I drink this tea-like stuff 4 times a day and can't eat anything else...except one of their "snacks," a little wafer thing that tastes like chocolate astronaut ice cream...and 2 almonds. Hooray.

I feel like crap, which I suppose is what happens when you don't eat. But I don't have any energy at all. I can't be around people eating. I've just stayed in bed all day and watched TV, which I think is causing me to lose weight in my brain.

But next are 5 more days of shake + lunch, which will be okay, then a final 2 days of this cleanse again. I hope it's worth it.

What I really wish is that I could fix the problem in my head...because I really don't think it's in my body. But it's a lot harder done than said.

-------

Okay, I don't know how many of you know anything about Ann Coulter...she's the weird, anorexic-looking blond chic who spouts a bunch of nonsense about how liberals rule the world and the republicans are right about everything...sort of the right's version of the left's Al Frankin, although I have to say Al is much better looking.

I was just flipping channels and came across Coulter's press-conference-type thing at the "Young American's Foundation" whatever and listened to her for a while to find out what was yapping about...and discovered THIS interesting fact:

She's endorsing Hillary Clinton over John McCain!!!

That's right...the right's yipping bitch is supporting Hillary. This means I am DEFINITELY not EVER voting for her. Not unless she puts Obama in as vice, and even then I'd be torn. And I don't think he'd do it, anyway.

All our hope is in you, Barack....

'Cause I don't want to vote for McCain.

-------

*hugs*

Can't we fast-forward to next year already?

-A

So we went to check out this teaching job in Bertie County (Windsor, NC) a few days ago....

And it's JUST like Lesotho! Same land (sans mountains), same problems, same issues, same pretty much everything...same bad food choices. It's a lot of work for little pay. And it's a place we could get stuck in if we went and were both teachers. We could do it, but it's not our first choice...and we pretty much have jobs for the fall, although not officially, but we're not sure it's what we want.

Therefore, we're still unemployed.

Another interview for me Monday with a firm here in Raleigh...technical writing position. I don't like technicaly writing, but it pays well. So we'll see.

I'm actually envious of Amy's waitressing job. At least it's pulling in money. That's more than we've got right now...we're broke and bumming around. Well, we work a lot...trying to find jobs.

I'm getting overwhelmed with wedding preparations. I can see how people break up in the midst of this stuff. Anthony & I are fine, still doing well, but it's a lot of pressure on a couple, and I get frustrated...by his and my indecisiveness(sp?) both. My mom seems to be enjoying it, though, and I guess that's what's important...it's more for her and Anthony's mom than us, it seems like.

But since they're the ones financing it....

Anyway, I've also learned that I suck on the phone these days. In Lesotho, calling was so expensive that you only called when absolutley necessary and spoke for as little time as possible, so conversations were like, "See you in town on Monday? Cool." And that's it. So I call...I have no idea what to say...and if you're unlucky enough to get a voice message from me, I'm sorry. It's awful. I ramble on for minutes. I wish I could delete them and start over. And I probably can, but now I'm technologically de-vanced.

Love you all...let me know if you hear of a job for me.

-A

Maybe I am spoiled from Peace Corps (even though that sounds oxymoronic).

But I'm pissed off.

It started last week when I went to see mom's doctor for a referral to see a gyno (had to get one for my handy PC127-C form to be valid). The nurses and the doctor...all of them...were all talking at like 150wps and wanted me to give spit-second answers to questions I haven't heard in 2 years. They never really gave me the chance to explain what was going on. The receptionist wouldn't let me explain my insurance. For example:

Me: "I have this form--"

Her: "No, no, we talked to your mom and the doctor said she'd see you anyway, but the girl who usually does this stuff, Nicole, isn't here, so I don't even know where to begin with that."

Me: "It's real easy. In fact, if you just call--"

Her: "No, really, just fill out the entirety of these forms here and bring them back and we'll deal with this later. Please fill out all the parts. Some people don't do all of it, but we really need the whole thing done."

(Later, having put my CorpsCare insurance ino on the form with a big note saying "DON'T USE FOR THIS VISIT" due to my voucher...)

Her: "Sorry, since we're not filing under this for this visit, if you could fill out another version of this form and just leave it blank...."

Me: [as fast as I can spit it out] "Listen just call this number here [pointing to number on form], they can tell you all you need to know about it."

(Later, after she calls the number on the form like I tried to tell her to do from the beginning...)

Her: "Okay, no problem, we'll just send in the form."

Me: "Right. Exactly."

-------

My gyno was fine...but I knew he and his nurses would be, as I've been seeing him since my birth. They're Southern and at least give you a chance to talk.

So today I go to Lowry Ophthomology(sp), site of my LASIK surgery in 2004. I have a voucher (same PC127-C) for an office visit and recommendation...because I have to file FECA (federal workers' comp) somehow proving that the glasses I recieved in 2006 are a result of my service in the Peace Corps so that they'll continue to pay for my eye care...be it glasses or LASIK correction.

These people are AWFUL. Again, I can't even begin to explain what I'm there for or what I want. Because I can only get a half a sentence out at a time, I think the lady thought I wanted free LASIK or something. They wanted me to pay for an office visit ($160) but would give me no guarantee that the doctor would write the report necessary for FECA. So I'd basically waste my free voucher, pay $160 out of pocket, and get nothing at all.

I told them they weren't listening to me, I wanted at least a guarantee that the doctor would write a note for FECA, and if they couldn't even do that, I wanted a copy of my chart so that I could go to a doctor who would at least listen to what I had to say.

They gave me my chart.

Although it was 5" thick and I got 4 pages copied. So....

Now is a quest to find a doctor who will talk with me. Do they exist?

Well, we made it! Long flights (Swiss Air totally rules over Aer Lingus, btw, although Aer Lingus didn't really weigh our luggage at all). We made it to NY and John met us and took very good care of us for several days. We didn't go into the city...decided not to be more frazzled and exhausted and stressed. But it was great to see John's NY family and to get settled into America.

The biggest thing I'm struck by is all the space. Stores are SO big and you actually have room to move around instead of being smushed against everybody else. People are willing to give you directions and instructions (the airport people in JFK told us where to go before we even asked!). And there's entirely too much water in the toilets...you really don't need that much and it's such a waste.

We travelled down with John, and I'm amazed he had so much patience to meet my dad's side of the family (we saw all of them). He was amazing in terms of making sure we had everything we needed. And my family was great, too...taking us in, 3 unemployed bums, and feeding and housing us. It was good to see everyone. Not much has changed at all.

I really feel like I haven't been gone. I have a lot to re-learn (even banking is weird), but it feels like 2 years went by in a blip and I woke up with a husband here. I've already been to the gym once and the cabinets are stocked with organic goodness. We're spending time looking for jobs...good ones and temp ones to make a bit of cash. And my mother is occupied with wedding plans, so that's good for me, a person who doesn't like to plan.

Anthony's folks and brother are coming out next week, and then we're going up to Boone for a bit. (Scouting wedding locales...save the date, Oct 18th!) My parents have the beach house the week after that, so we're going there...not condusive to job finding, but lovely all the same.

Anyway, I love you all and hope you're all doing well. At least we're on the same soil again, eh?

Love always,

-A

So tomorrow we head out to the airport to begin our long flights back to the States. Anthony & I are both ready to be back in a famaliar place with food choices...we thought it'd be better here, but our lunch choices are pretty much a cheese pizza or a cheese sandwich.

We had a pretty good time in Italy. Had some issues with a B&B I'd booked online, but hopefully it won't come back to haunt me. My parents were once again stellar in being there and willing to do stuff for me, like call the bank a zillion times to get my card issues straightened out.

I'm trying to start uploading pics to this Snapfish thing Amy introduced me to but it's having issues with this computer. Then I have to repack...again. I hope we won't have luggage issues again.

Love you guys and will see you soon!

-A

That's right, the stuffed turkey is me...sheesh...I think I've had a month's worth of food in one week! I can't seem to help myself! I'm glad I'm getting it all over with here, though, so I can get back to a normal life in America.

I hope.

I did work out yesterday, and I did have a 29-minute run this morning around the base (I thought it was only 19 minutes and was mad at myself, and then I realized that my math was bad, as per usual).

We have a big Christmas Eve dinner tonight with Ornella's family...I'm really excited! I've heard it's a lot of fresh fish.

Anyway, I put up some more recent pics on MySpace and Facebook. My Webshots account has been moody, so I'm going to wait to deal with that. I'll probably change it to something else when I get back. We'll see.

I hope you all have Happy Holidays, whatever you may celebrate!

Love always,

-A

Good News: I've satisfied almost all of the food cravings I've had in the past 2 years.

Bad News: It's pretty much all junk food and I haven't been exercising for a long time (since before my illness in Lesotho).

So Brandon & Ornella have been extraordinarily kind as host/hostess for us here. Tonight they drove us into Napoli proper and took us on a walking tour of the harbor and castles and then to dinner at a lovely seafood place, although it was pretty darn expensive. I had a good talk with Ornella for the first time and found her to be even more charming, intelligent, and beautiful than I had thought to begin with...even though I found her to be most of those things when I first met her.

Anthony & I are relaxing here for the most part but have made some reservations for places for later. We're having Christmas Eve dinner & Christmas day lunch with Ornella's family. On the 26th, Anthony & I are going to Pompei for 2 nights so we'll have a day just to relax and explore, and Ornella said she had the day off, so she might even drive us there. The 29th, the plan is for the 4 of us to go to Rome to stay with another of Brandon's pals. Then the 31st, Anthony & I will go to Lucca to hide out until the 6th. From there, we can get easily to Florence and Pisa, and we can do nothing but stay in bed if we like. We'll come back the 6th, pack the 7th, and get back on a plane on the 8th. We might not get to see all the touristy stuff you're "supposed" to see, but I've seen it all already and Anthony doesn't care too much about it, so no problem.

There is a problem getting Brandon to let us pay for things, though.

Anyway, I like being here where it's cold on Christmas and the moon's right-side-up. It really makes a big difference.

And who's that planet hanging out there by the moon? Mars? It's got a red tint, but I wasn't sure if it was Mars or the yellow tint of Venus.

Have a good night, guys!

Love always,

-A

(PS: I've found a lot of people on Facebook I never thought I'd hear of again...kinda weird, but nice.)

Ciao from bella Italia...or, actually, What's Up from America? (I'm on a naval base.)

The moon is right-side up for the first time in well over 2 years, the air is crisp & cool, the people aren't staring at me, and we just finished some Taco Bell.

Oh What World is This?

Travel was horrible as usual, but not as bad as it could have been. We got to the airport in Jo'burg about 5 hours early because we were bored but actually had no time to spare. They told us at the check-in that we could take all our luggage to America, but since we were going to Europe first, we could only have 25kg of stuff each, and we had a total of 107kg plus one more carry-on than allowed. So they wanted us to pay over R12,000. I told them I simply couldn't pay that and asked for suggestions, pulling the Peace Corps card and trying not to cry in frustration, and a really nice guy from Swiss Air let us go for free.

So hooray Swiss Air!

Flight was uneventful. They remembered we had vegan meals. We watched "Stardust" and passed out. I slept until breakfast, albeit fitfully.

We didn't have to do customs in Switzerland, which is different than Germany, so we flew onward. We had a delay to melt the ice off the plane wings (it was a cool little machine that looked like an alien), but no problems beyond that. We had an AMAZING, SPECTACULAR view of the Swiss Alps...the clouds formed an ocean around the peaks so it looked like water with snowy mountaintops during the sunrise.

Brandon's friend Ace met us at the airport and got us on the right train and pointed in the right direction. Brandon had left us a letter with instructions and a charged phone with airtime and an Italian phrasebook to help us out. It was great, save for the fact that we're carrying an inhuman amount of luggage. Switching trains was a nightmare. But we made it, thanks to the helpful Italian men who helped carry our crap.

Brandon and his girlfriend met us at the station and brought us all the way to America. It's crazy! They have a bowling alley, Taco Bell, A&W, shopping mall, movie theater...Charmin toilet paper...internet in-room (though the computer's so newfangled it took me 10 minutes to turn it on), X-Box (wouldn't know how to use it anyway), et al...and he's giving us his room for the night and staying with his girlfriend.

I have amazing friends.

(And this includes the one who's getting us in NY and showing us around and taking us all the way to NC.... I have truly amazing friends!)

(Some of them, anyway...hehe.)

So, here we are. Happily out of Africa. But I'll be missing it soon.

Oh, something I didn't get to tell you about Swaziland...funny little thing...we went to a glass factory, and when we were leaving, a big peacock was in the lot. Anthony tried to scare it to get it to move, but it wasn't impressed and didn't react. So when we pulled out and it was too close, I rolled down the window and said, "Hamba!" which is "Move it!" in Zulu, and the dude curled his neck and let out this awful screech and then moved to the front of the car and kept screeching like he was going to charge us.

Don't tell a peacock to move in any language!

Anyways, hope all's well and we'll see you soon...now that we're under the same sky again!

-A

(PS: You hear that, Amy?! Taco Bell!)

Basic knowledge, yes, but I think I'm pooping entirely too much. It happens when one is exposed to foods one has not tasted in 2 years...like really good Chinese food.

Have no fear, it's not food poisoning or the bout of giardia or whatever I had (Doc said my lab results came out negative, which I have a hard time believing, mostly because I got better the day after I took my medication)...but boy, am I pooping a lot!

Swaziland is HOT. And there are BUGS by the ZILLIONS. I'm SO glad we were in the mountains where the only bugs are ants and moths. Swazi has good grocery stores (better even than most of South Africa) and I could have stayed Macrobiotic, but damn...I couldn't handle the heat or the bugs.

Went on another game drive...saw more elephants, impala, warthogs, bok-things...saw rhinos for the first time (the White Rhino; the Black is endangered and not hanging out much).

Back in South Africa...Pretoria for our 2nd night, back to Jo'burg tomorrow before flying out (YAY! NO MORE AFRICA! ...can you tell I'm ready?) on the 19th. A bit of a sticky situation with lodging in Italy popping up, but Peace Corps put more money in our accounts than we were expecting...good and bad, I guess, as I think we'll be getting less later, but I'm waiting on an email from our Admin Officer before I freak out.

Anyway, it's been fun...good times with Anthony (with whom I am still madly in love) and our pal Amy. Just ready to get the hell off this continent.

I hope you all have a great holiday season...I'll probably be back on before it's over, but just in case.

Love always,

-A

Well, guys, this will probably be my last entry from the Mountain Kingdom of Lesotho, land of the children of Moshoeshoe, and right now, I couldn't be any happier about that.

I'm sick of the food. I'm sick of the people. I'm sick of the culture and the way that things work. I'm sick of not being able to walk around without being harassed every 10 seconds (not exaggerating). I'm sick of being stared at. I'm sick of things being unorganized and inefficient. And I could continue this list for a long time.

Yeah, there are things I'm going to miss, and I'll be crying to come back in a few months, but right now, I'm in a good mindset to leave.

I wasn't even sad to leave my place...and this is only because I was deathly ill. Good news is that it made me lose 6lbs this week, but it wasn't any fun. The lab results still aren't back from Bloemfontein, so I don't know what it was, but the nurse treated me for Giardia and for bacterial infections like Salmon-ela. I seem to be doing better, but we'll see as time goes and I try eating food besides white bread. (I haven't eaten much of anything since last Sunday night, but I plan to go to lunch today.)

Lots of people are here and stressed about all the paperwork we have to get done before we can go, but I planned ahead and made appointments and came in early for medical and haven't been hurried or stressed at all. That might also have been because I've been sick.

And it's funny...now that I'm leaving, everyone's getting back in touch. I've heard from 4 people in the past few weeks that I haven't heard from in months & months & months.

I'm REALLY excited about Italy. We just want to relax and eat some good food, and everything else is just icing on the cake.

Monkey's been worried about our digestive systems, but I don't think it will be a problem:

1) South Africa's a mini America. Most people from the PC go from 3rd World to 1st World without a middle step, which we have all around us. There's even a McDonald's, but I've only eaten there for breakfast...and they didn't have biscuits!!!!! :(

2) We're going to Italy first, land of the Tomato and the Cheese. I think if we're going to overdo ourselves, it's going to be there.

3) I had Giardia this week. And I don't care what anyone says, food poisoning / overeating / eating bad food...throw them all together, it wouldn't be as bad as this week.

4) Having Giardia this week and not being able to imbibe anything, even water, without pooping it back out straight in liquid form, I had to ride on a taxi from 7.30 AM to 4 PM and didn't stop. So being in a car with access to toilets everywhere...can't see a problem.

5) We don't eat meat, and I think that's where a lot of problems come in.

6) Him worrying about it and telling me every time I talk to him that I won't be able to leave the bathroom for 5 days is going to GIVE me digestive problems :P

Anyway, VERY excited about seeing him, too. He's been excellent about being willing to pick us up and cater for us for a few days and get us down to see my family again. But neither he nor I nor Anthony plan anything much and I know my family wants to know when I'm going to be where, so I hope someone figures that out for us soon.

I had Anthony pack me up (I suck at packing, Johnny packed me to come over here, and plus I was sick), so we're all ready to go. Rental car delivered at 8AM Tues, and then we're out for a week or so around RSA and Swaziland with Amy. Then Bonjourno, Italia!

See you guys soon....

-A

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

In a week and one day, I’ll be loading up all my luggage and heading down to Maseru to finish up paperwork and have exit interviews with my bosses, and then I’ll have a hole punched in my PC I.D. card that means I’m no longer on the payroll.

I can’t believe 2 years is over! Like I’ve been saying, it’s both flown and dragged by, all at the same time.

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We (Amy, Anthony & I) went to Fouriesburg on Saturday to say goodbye to our pals Lola & Dion at The Old Schoolhouse. I thought they were going to have another one of their themed nights, but it turned out that they had a special night just for us, so we ate delicious Chinese food and chatted with them all night. They even made a little wedding cake for Anthony & I that was really cute and quite tasty, though not our favorite flavor (rum & raisin).

Courtney was supposed to go with us, but she decided to early terminate (ET) and will be leaving the country this week. There were a lot of problems at her school and she tried to get changed over to the other program (community health), but it didn’t work out, so she’s leaving. Sad, but she’s also from Iowa, so Amy’s glad to have someone to hang out with when she gets back…someone who can understand what we’ve been through here.

------

I’m all done with my schoolwork. My principal is buying my laptop, so this will be the last time I’ll be using this one. I’ve had it since 2001, I think…maybe 2002. I started writing a book on it, and I actually finished it the other day, although it still needs a good bit of work. (But I can say I’ve written a book! How cool is that?)

I’ve mailed a lot of stuff home and don’t think I’ll have an issue packing. We’ll see; I’ll probably have some unexpected problems.

Something funny today: I was at my window sending a text message to someone, and when I turned around, I had to chase a chicken out of my house! That’s a new one. (It crossed the street to eat my food.)

Anthony’s with me this week, and the other people in my district are meeting for a last lunch this Saturday. Then I’ll have a few days to pack, and off I go!

(I’m using the internet in Mokhotlong camptown, btw. Crazy how things always improve when you leave. Amy just told me about it, and she said it’s pretty fast.)

Oh yeah, in addition to internet and a fruit & veg shop that actually HAS fruits & vegetables, my family got a different rooster! Gone is the overly aggressive, constantly crowing annoyance and in its place is a muted version who crows for a bit at sunrise, but not piercingly enough to keep us awake, and then shuts up. I like this little bugger.

Anyway, I’ll be back with you in a week or so. I hope it isn’t getting too cold over there; it sure is heating up here!

All my love,

-‘Masophia

I can't describe how happy I am that I only have to come down here one more time....

So we came down for medical on Monday, then were planning to go to Lizbeth's place down south in the national park down there, then maybe to hop by Tim's place on the way back for a visit. But Doc gave us a TB test and told us we had to stay at least until today so he could check the arm (COS medical requires them to check it, not anyone else), so that took Lizbeth's place out of the running (it's as far away from here as my place). We were still going to go to Tim's, but that requires a night stop-over between here and Butha-Buthe so I can get home Saturday, and EVERYONE in the tri-district area is going to a Cherry Fest in Vicksburg this weekend and is gone, so we decided to scrap the whole idea, which sucks.

Anyway, my medical is fine. I've got a lingering problem I have to wait until we get back to the US to deal with, but it's not life-threatening or anything. The rest of my exam cleared, except my reflexes. Doc said my reflexes prove I'm dead, but he's pretty convinced I'm not.

So we've been doing nothing but eating for a week. I did weigh in at 183 without my shoes on, and I came in at 182, which is weird, but I guess that's okay...even though my pants are still fitting less well than I remember. I dunno. Anthony still thinks I'm pretty, and that's all that matters.

What else...school pretty much over. Got exams, then nothin'. We're going to Fouriesburg next weekend (24th) to see Lola & Dion at the Old Schoolhouse one more time (they're having Chinese night at my request and are making a little wedding cake for us since we haven't really had one), and Anthony will be returning with me for a week because his school is closing early. (I'll still have an exam to mark, I think, but I'm not sure.)

Then on the 1st, I called a goodbye lunch for all of us in MKG, but the CHED PCVs won't be there because they have an IST (confused yet?), but the Ed folks will be around, and that's all I care about, honestly...the two other guys who will be gone for IST, I met only a couple of months ago. It's too late to be forming lasting friendships, I say.

(Incidentally, a girl put her stuff down in my room last night [4 beds to a room] and asked about me and where I was from. I said NC, and she's like, No way, where? And I said I was born in Raleigh but lived in Boone for a while, and she said she went to Enloe and grew up a mile from Cameron Village. I didn't want to talk anymore and went to bed.)

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Having problems uploading pics due to the new systems, but I should have gotten a video to some people...hope you got it. We're thinking now we'd like to do the American wedding a year from this one, so that'd be around Oct 20th, preferably on that date but I don't know what day it is, so we'll have to see...and if I can get a job, etc. But hold the date.

And I want to say thank you to all of those who have kept up with me. Someone I haven't talked to in a while chatted to me on gmail the other day. I was here in the office with 3 others who are in my group. This guy said he was sorry he hadn't kept in touch but had been reading my livejournal. I repeated the conversation to the room and said that saying sorry doesn't mean I'm going to jump to reestablish ties. They all agreed emphatically and said they were disappointed with some people who didn't bother to write or email or anything, but we all have a handfull we can't let go of (like the lady I've known since I was 2 & she was 4 who hasn't really written, but we never kept in constant contact anyway; and Smurfy, of course).

I couldn't have done this without those of you who came along with me. Johnny in the beginning; John in the end. Keith & Marie and Jordan, especially in the beginning. Without question, my parents, who still call every time as soon as I send them a txt message and write me bi-weekly and send lots of goodies through the mail.

It's been nice to hear what's going on in the states, and it's been good to keep in touch so that we can continue to grow together, and not apart. I look forward to seeing you again and hope you'll be footing the bill for a dinner out! O:)

I guess that's it for now. Been applying for a few jobs over the 'net while I'm here and bored.

Don't send me any more letters (weird to say that) because I won't get them before I go. I might still send out a few to you guys, though, maybe even one from Italy!

I love you & hope you're all doing well. If anyone has found me a job, let me know...hehe.

Be back Dec 5/6...

-TKao

All right, everyone, I'm now a married woman...kinda scary, isn't it?

I'm down in Maseru unexpectedly because I came down with 102 degree fever yesterday for the 2nd half of the wedding and wanted to get it checked out (nurse says it's just the flu, but that doesn't make me feel any better).

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If you didn't know what our wedding was going to entail, don't feel left out: we didn't either, usually until right before or while it was happening. So here's a basic rundown of events:

Thursday Night:

7.30pm: handed a list of things to buy for the feast and told to go to town to get them the next day

Friday:

7.45am: talked with principal and organized transport to return from town; were told we were to be given R300 from the school to help b/c the feast was also to serve as my going-away present

9am: went to town & brought a ton of food with money Antho had had to borrow

1pm: return from town and deliver food

2pm: (Allison did some laundry)

3pm: female co-workers showed up to help cook

Saturday:

7am: woke up, exercised & bathed

12:30pm: PCVs from town showed up in taxi

1.30pm: Allison & Anthony separated; Allison told to change into her white clothes; female PCVs helped attach the "bridezilla" veil

2pm: Allison handed over to Anthony; they walked outside, followed by form Es, who were singing & dancing; they were stared at by an uncountable number of people and small children and couldn't stop smiling

Then they were returned to Allison's rondavel and not told what to do; so they waited until a lady came to say they were going to remove the veil; so they went outside and sat and they removed the veil & replaced it with a headscarf, then made Allison & Anthony take the walk again, again surrounded by singing & dancing Form Es

Again, they were returned to the rondavel, this time told to change; Anthony removed his blanket; Allison put on her Seshoeshoe (traditional dress); they went out and were paraded around the property for a third time

~3pm: Peace Corps staff & PCVs from other districts show up and demand Allison change BACK into her wedding regalia; they send over 'M'e 'Mampho, probably because they know Allison & Anthony can't say no to her; Allison changes back and they parade around a final time.

~4pm: lunch is served (big feast!)

~4.45pm: ceremony in Allison's dad's house where she is formally given over to Anthony's father by her own; principal says she's done excellent work and they are going to miss her and that marriage is not a joke and they have to love & respect each other

~5.30pm: Allison "kidnapped" by Anthony & taken with him and his co-workers back to Ha Sefako; along with Allison are sent 2 of her co-workers, whom she doesn't know very well at all (she would have preferred friends, ya know?)

Sunday: [here taken over by Anthony b/c I have to do somethin]

2am: arrival at Ha Sefako, Ntate Polokoana (the principal of my school) tells us we need to put our stuff down, then come back to talk. So, when we come back, he tells us that according to Basotho tradition, the reason the two teachers from Allison's school came was to sleep with her and make sure the two of us were kept seperate. We refused, telling him we can't keep having people tell us these things the minute before they should happen, and had we known in advance that it was expected, we would have saved them some time and money. Allison said it wouldn't have been so bad, except that she didn't know these two ladies, and she didn't want to sleep on the floor with two people she didn't know. Anyway, they said everything would still happen as planned, except that we don't recieve the sheep parts (too bad, huh? no commemorative sheep pieces as proof of our love). We went back to my place after that, and Allison took a bath, before we finally went to sleep. If the purpose of keeping us apart on our wedding day was to prevent us from being "too friendly", they need not worry when we are stressed and sleep-deprived. Around 2.45am, we went to sleep.

6.45am We woke up, without any aid, thanks to our adaptation to waking with the sun. Allison didn't feel to well, but she swept the dirt outside my house, then I made breakfast and got some water (what my colleagues don't know won't hurt them, as those tasks are the responsibility of the new wife).

8.30am Allison was starting to feel a bit worse, so she lay down, and in the mean time, I went out to view the ram. It was shorn, and angry at being tied to a tree, and I'm not sure what (if anything) I was supposed to feel by seeing this sheep.

[I'm back, although he should really be doing this since I was in the bed during all this time.]

10am: the deputy principal came in with the two Senkoase teachers and the men brought the angry ram up the steps and into the doorway of Anthony's house so that they could "give it to me" as a welcome to say that I can now "eat everything at Ha Sefako." The ram looked at me like it knew I was the reason it was being killed and that made me a bit uncomfortable. They gave me my new name ('Masophia Sefako: "Ma" means "mother of" and "Sophia" is what we'd like to name our first child, provided she's a girl of course.)

[from that time until 2pm, I was in bed with a fever of 102]

2pm: they come to get me; I change into my new Seshoeshoe which was made in Antho's area; put on my blanket; sit and wait for longer

Eventually Antho's students paraded around the house; some came in to sing a few songs, then were taken out again.

Then they take me out and give me and the Senkoase teachers brooms and they show me how to sweep the dirt; then they take me to the water pump to show me how to get water; then they "show me where the toilet is," except we didn't go to the toilet...we went between two of the houses back there.

I was taken back inside and sat for a while; they brought in the first pieces of the sheep that had been killed, which I and my two teachers had to pick up and put back on the plate (not eating it); then they went out and took out the two Senkoase teachers. The two other PCVs who were there came in, as well as Anthony's counterpart, and they ate the meat for me, since I don't.

Eventually after that, Antho and I were again paraded with the school children behind us singing & dancing. We went down to his main campus (very close to his house) and sat and watched a couple hours of singing & dancing from his students, then listened to a few speeches, including one guy repeating everything that had happened Saturday for the benefit of those who weren't there. Anthony danced with his kids once and also gave a speech thanking them for having the wedding and for being happy. We were supposed to stick around for lunch, but I had to go lie down immediately, so we went back while they prepared food.

And then they forgot about us and didn't feed us...they said they'd get us when food was ready, but they fed everyone and forgot us, so we had to go back and get our own food.

~5pm: Anthony went to try to call our doctor, who turned out to be out of the country, to tell him I might come in today

~6.30pm, we collapsed into sleep.

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So that's a short rundown of what happened this weekend. We had lots of pics and videos taken that should be up pretty soon (prob when I come down in Nov., but def. by first of Dec.). Lots of our friends came out to support us and have fun at the feast, and it was definitely a memory that will last a lifetime. We're glad we did it, even through all the last-minute stress and strife of not knowing what was supposed to happen (that, also, is apparently part of tradition...). It was a fitting closure to our time here.

Anthony's mom had mentioned her church wanting to give us a wedding reception when we got back, but (1) I don't do church functions and (2) things in America are totally unrelated to this. When we get settled and figure ourselves out a bit more in terms of what we'll do, we'll have an American wedding (and know how to plan things!!!!!!!!!) & invite you all & celebrate all together again.

Until then, I'm going to go rest and hope my fever goes away.

Love to all,

-A

Today's the first clear afternoon in like 3 days. All that time, drought in Lesotho, nobody with water...and it rains here all during our vacation. Ain't that the way it always is?

I made it driving (automatic, no worries) all the way down here...around 700km. Crazy! After two years, I was a little wet behind the ears, but I did the old tricks my dad taught me (like running over the reflectors on both sides to figure out where the wheels actually are) and only almost killed us all twice. Twice in 700km isn't so bad, is it?

We saw a movie yesterday, Evan Almighty, which was cute, and we're going to go see Knocked Up today. (Amy was with us yesterday, but we're alone today...I hope she's enjoying the sun on the beach after her hour-long massage.)

I had to come in to deposit money for an application and then mail the application for Katiso. It's for some farming school.

(Sorry, my attention is elsewhere...adding email/addresses of my PCV group into gmail....)

Anyway, it's been all right. It's been fun driving, and it's GREAT not to have to rely on public transportation. Down side is that I didn't really have the money to come on this trip and had to borrow from myself via my mom, who I know doesn't want me doing such things. But at least I have nice parents who don't let me get stranded in strange places. :)

What else...just little things, but I'm sure you're not too interested.

We go back to Peitermeritzburg (or, as one Form E wrote in a composition, "Marry's Bag") on Thursday, then back up the mountain Friday.

Anyway, I'll have internet again for a day or so around Nov 11th, then won't be back until the last time...last week down in Maseru for the final sign-off Dec 5th-11th. It's gonna be sad!!!!

Good luck and have fun and I look forward to seeing (most of) you again soon....

Love always,

-TKao

(Soon to be Mrs Sefako.)

Thursday 20 September

Well, it looks like my time here has truly come to an end. It didn’t really hit me until I wrote my schedule in a letter to my parents and realised just how little time I have left.

I was clearing a few things with my principal the other day and he was talking about how much he and the students would miss me and how I should never forget them. Like that would ever be possible.

I should be posting this from somewhere during Independence Break. Anthony, Amy and I are going to Cintsa on the Wild Coast of South Africa. I’m kinda excited because Angela, the girl who volunteered last year at the orphanage in town, got a job in Port St. John’s and disappeared, so I’m interested in seeing the place. It’s apparently on the way to Cintsa, down the coast. I promised her I’d see it before I left. Heck, maybe I’ll even catch wind of what happened to her. I doubt it, though.

Things are gearing up for the wedding on October 20th here at my place. I still don’t have what you’d call “definite” plans or even solid ideas about what is going to happen…and won’t until it happens. But that’s the fun of it, eh? Apparently, our marriage was so inspiring that Mr Y and “the small nyana one,” ‘Makampong, got married last weekend. Most of us didn’t know they were even together!

So this next Tuesday, I’m heading to Anthony’s to join him on the Form E Farewell trip to Liphofung Cave, which I’ve always wanted to visit since I pass it on the way to Maseru every time I go down. Then we’ll return here Thursday in time for MY Form E Farewell party on Friday. (If the students somehow miraculously come up with a bunch of money, we’ll go to Sani Top on Saturday, but I don’t see it happening.)

Then Saturday, we go to Cintsa via Pietermeritzburg. (Amy and I will be driving…yikes!!)

Let’s see…then the wedding Oct 20th, and I’ll have to go back up to Anthony’s that night or on the 21st for a day or two for the name-giving ceremony. Then Anthony and I go for our final medical once-over on November 11th, planning on taking the rest of the week to visit a couple people we promised to visit and haven’t had time yet (depending on funds…no more money appearing ‘til we leave). Then we go down for good on Dec 5th, checking out forever on Dec 11th and picking up another rental car with Amy to tool around for a week…Swaziland, South Africa…before flying out on the 19th.

So…time’s up, huh?

I already know I’m going to be an absolute mess when they take me out of here. I warned my principal that I’d be crying. “Even I will be crying,” he replied. Somehow I don’t quite see that, but I appreciate the sentiment.

As for this week, I’ve been here, in front of this computer. I’ve finished typing and laying out a 40-page (20 front & back) writing magazine for the school. I’ll make the final corrections and print the fucker tomorrow morning, VERY glad to be rid of it. I worked on it for over 6 hours yesterday alone, and I’m tired. It doesn’t look bad, although the font I used for the sections didn’t appear on the school computer, so I had to find an alternative, and it doesn’t look as good. I don’t understand why my Publisher ’00 has more fonts than the school’s Publisher ’03, but I’m glad it can open the file at all, so whatever.

Okay…I’m ready to take a nap or something. Don’t forget about little ol’ me over here, but I wouldn’t send letters or anything after the first of November. The mail’s taking longer to get to me and I won’t be able to get anything after December 5th.

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Before I go, here’s a cute little anecdote for ya…

On the way home from school yesterday, there were two tiny girls (about mid-thigh height) on my path across the river screaming the ubiquitous “Bye-BEYE! Bye-BEYE!” It usually drives me nuts, but it was a pretty day and I was in a good mood, so I just waved to shut them up. However, they were waiting for me…an ambush.

”U ea kae?” they ask…”Where are you going?” Again, something that grates on our nerves after a while. I teased them about wanting to know where I was going before they even greeted me properly, and I greeted them (greetings are a HUGE thing over here; they will interrupt you doing anything to say hey, how ya doin, which is another annoyance all in itself when you are busy and/or in the middle of another conversation).

They responded and asked what was in my “kit,” aka backpack. I said water and books. They said someone had told them that “lekhooa” (rich white people who think they’re better than everyone else) always have a lot of candy. This is true in that people perpetuate this myth on both sides: Basotho tell their kids this, and in response they are always asking for candy and money from us; and also white tourists seriously come over here and throw candy at kids, which makes us want to beat them silly.

I explained that it wasn’t true, and besides, I’m not lekhooa. I’m a white Mosotho, and I’m a teacher, right? They nodded. I asked if Basotho have candy, and they said yes, so I told them to give me some. They seemed to enjoy that.

They tottered along behind me. I tried to keep my pace slow and they tried to run, but we didn’t manage to match and one of them tripped and fell. She made crying sounds for a second so I went back and helped her up and brushed her knees off and she stopped when I said there wasn’t a problem. So I let them walk ahead of me.

We parted at the shop on the top of my hill where the shop-lady asked if I “tsamaile le bana ba sekolo,” was going with the school kids, and I said, “E, bakhotsi ba ka,” yeah, my friends.

And I went home amazed that I could carry on such a lengthy and pretty in-depth conversation with two tiny kids…and was actually understood, and could understand.

The shop-lady asked me about them today. I told them what they’d said about the candy thing, and how I’d said I wasn’t lekhooa. “E,” she said, “ha u na chelete. U Mosotho.” Yeah, you don’t have any money. You’re a Mosotho.

Love ya,

-TKao

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Saturday 29 September

After a LONG-ass ride down the mountain (and I mean DOWN the mountain, as my dad can surely testify), we're finally here...ON VACATION!! It's kinda crazy, since we'll be done soon, that we all seem to need it so badly...but we do.

The fact that time is gone is getting to me a bit, but I'm okay. I think we're just stressed out from coming exams and packing and whatnot.

We had our Form E farewell last Friday, and it wasn't as sad as I was expecting, but as I told one of the students (who was in the process of telling me his father passed away the day before and he'd just found out), I'm gonna cry when I tell the class goodbye when we're alone together. As I said in the speech at the farewell, my 2-year journey has been with them...I arrived when they entered Form D (first year of high school) and will leave when they finish E (last year of high school). Just the circle ending itself, I guess.

Anyway, will be around a bit I think...almost our bedtime, and I think Anthony wants to use the computer too, since he's sitting here next to me.

Love always,

-TKao

It's been an interesting few days, to say the least.

I've had a lot of stomach problems, probably from S.A. and eating a lot of rich food I'm not used to. It's still bothering me, and I also woke up with a really sore throat, so that sucks. And a hell of a hangover. I drank WAY too much last night, and I'm getting too old for that kinda stuff.

We're all down again...the first time our whole group (minus those who left for good) has been together again in over a year. It's weird. We're truly a big family and bring out all the bad qualities in each other when we're all together. I remember why I was so happy to get to my site.

But we love each other very much. We know each other well. We're all very different...completely different in so many, many, many ways...but we love and respect each other. We accept the bad parts and appreciate the good ones. We're gonna miss each other, and there's been a lot of crying these past couple days. It even got me going.

Emily & Adam did a slideshow for us (similar to the one I made my parents), and it's nice to have so many memories with these folks. They used a lot of my pictures...I'm told I take really good pictures...and I was as happy at that as I was when I saw pictures OF me.

Eaten too much. We had a buffet (<-spelling?) deal, and it was the best food I've had in this country, including a make-your-own stirfry. The scale in Doc's office said I lost a bunch of weight (about 12lbs more than I came in with still, but not bad), and today it said I'd gained 3 of the pounds back!

Anthony and I had a pretty serious fight last night, our first really, but I had had so much to drink that I don't remember it, which makes making up that much more interesting. But some good things have come of it, and we're working through it.

What else...Doc gave us our poo-testing kits. We have to check for worms, yay. We have to test poo on 3 different occasions. Sounds like a blast. Don't you want to sign up for Peace Corps?!

We talked a lot about readjustment and reverse culture shock and how to deal with family and friends. I hear a lot about people saying, "How was Africa?" or something like that and expecting a one-word answer. My favorite response idea to that was from Cannon, and she said, "Well, how were the past two years of YOUR life in 5 words or less?"

Okay...have to do a few more things here, then head back tomorrow. I think we're going to stay over in Butha-Buthe on the way up so I can cross over to Ficksburg and get groceries to take back. Then I will only have 4 hours to go to get to Mokhotlong...*sigh* I will look forward to having private transport again.

Much love,

-TKao

Sunday, 6 August

7pm

“Life in the Peace Corps will not be easy. There will be no salary and allowance will be at level sufficient only to maintain health and basic needs. Men and women will be expected to work and live alongside the nationals of a the country in which they are stationed – doing the same work, eating the same food, talking the same language. But if the life will not be easy, it will be rich and satisfying. For every American who participates in the Peace Corps – who works in a foreign land- will know that he or she is sharing in the great common task of bringing to man the decent way of life which is the foundation of freedom and a condition of peace.”

–JFK, March 1st, 1961, upon signing the Executive Order establishing Peace Corps

After over a year and a half in Africa, it’s come to this….

What I Really Want Right Now:

--the internet

--a washing machine

--access to a gym and a large university library

--an organic foods store and enough money to buy stuff there

--a private vehicle

--a shower and reliable running hot water

--a phone that doesn’t charge money by the second

--two flat-faced Siamese cats (one for me & one for Anthony), plus litterbox

--not to live over 8 hours from Anthony

What I Am Really Glad to Have Right Now:

--an instant way to communicate with most friends & family

--a few real, true, honest-to-goodness friends

--parents who are constant in their support

--a gas heater

--my huge body towel

--my body pillow and a purple fleece blanket

--a man I love who loves me

--a laptop and some DVDs and a hell of a lot of music

--my intelligence

--physical health

--youth

--an entire world of possibilities

--enough memories to make several lifetimes

Funny. I could keep going for a while on that second list, but that first one’s pretty darned finished. And what’s funny is that I bet the majority of you have just about everything on that first list, minus the last two of course. Do me a favor and take a few moments to remember to be thankful for everything you’ve got. I’ll do the same over here, and I’ll try to remember all of this after I’ve been back in the States for a while.

Deal?

-------

I don’t have official word yet, but it looks like the doctors in Bloemfontein gave my good pal some good news. She said the doctor looked at the moles on her back and said he was so sure about them that he didn’t even have to remove them, but if he didn’t, she’d have to keep an eye on them forever. So they removed them and are going to do the biopsy anyway, but she said the doctor was very optimistic.

She’s already planned some vacations for us, mostly after we COS. I think we’re (me, her & Anthony) going to end here on Dec. 11th then tool around South Africa / Swaziland for a week. Her safari and our flights leave Dec. 19th from Jo’burg. It’s gonna be a blast!

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The wedding’s been announced for Oct. 20th down here. It’s all set with Peace Corps, but we’re still working on the community level. Things just don’t get planned very far in advance in Africa. You get used to it. I did talk to dad today (the one here) while I was getting more information for a grant, and we’re a go, but we’re still shaky on what’s going to happen. Like most things, it comes down to money.

See, traditionally, the groom pays the father of the bride a heck of a lot of cows, and each cow is worth somewhere around R3,000. So the dad banks. Then the family of the bride throws a feast and kills oxen and all that good stuff. But we’re PCVs, and we’re broke. So dad says we won’t kill the oxen, Anthony can pay anything he decides he can pay (animals or no) and we’ll have the feast part, but me & Anthony are going to cover the cost of the food. We’re expecting a ton of people. We’re gonna be broke again.

I don’t know how “traditional” it will be, but it should be fun.

He did say something really cool. He said he wasn’t sure if he could give me permission without the permission of my father in America. (You getting this, Dad?) I told him we had it. He said, “You have it or I do?” That was sweet. And he asked if I loved Anthony. I told him, “I do, very much. He’s a good man.” His response? “Yes, that is a good man.”

Anyway, Anthony will be up for my bday next week and he and dad will talk a bit more and decide on some things. I’m supposed to be staying out of it. I’m the girl, remember?

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Almost 7.30 on a school night. Bedtime! (It’s dark, don’t worry.)

I hope everyone’s doing well. When this gets posted, I’ll be down for COS conference. It’s our last meeting as the group we came in with, so I’ll be with the people I met in Phili, or at least those who haven’t left or been sent back. Scary. Last IST (In-Service Training). We’re getting old. And it’ll be the last time I see some of these people, maybe forever. I feel like we’ve been through so much together, even if I haven’t seen them in months. We’re family. Bittersweet.

Okay, so until the next date:

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Sunday August 19th

I had one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had, all thanks to Anthony.

First, he talked to dad here about the wedding, and it looks like things are easier than we thought. The lobolla will be paid in cash (and Anthony’s co-workers said they’d pitch in to help), and dad said they’d pay for the food but might need help with drinks, which isn’t a problem.

All I have left to figure out is transport to help out the guests, but that shouldn’t be too big of a deal. There’s just no point in even broaching the subject with the drivers until MUCH closer to October.

Anyway, Anthony came and brought my finished engagement ring! It’s absolutely perfect. I always told myself I wouldn’t marry a guy who got me the wrong ring, but I never had a clear conception of what the “right” ring would be. This is it.

And he brought a cheesecake! He got most of the ingredients in South Africa a couple of weeks before my birthday. And I’ll be darned if the thing wasn’t the best cheesecake I think I’ve ever had. It was amazing, especially considering our resources here.

We made a Mexican dinner (I’d been slowly saving up ingredients like salsa, refried beans and sour cream from S.A.) and drank wine and then danced together for an hour or so. It was wonderful.

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We got 4 new teachers at school, 2 of whom are in the languages department, so when I show up to school one day, I hear I’m only teaching Form A now! I talked with my counterpart and we worked it out so I still have some part in teaching Form E (they’re my babies), and I’m not sore about it at all because I think this is a better arrangement for them, but I have NOTHING to do all day. I teach 10 40-minute periods a week, and I’ve got to be at school ALL freakin’ day. I’ve no clue what to do with myself.

I think I’ll be skipping to go see Anthony is what I think I’ll be doing, especially once my Es start writing their COSC exams, which is mid-October. Then I’ll have 7 periods a week. Bah.

But we’re getting a school magazine kicking, so that’s something. I have COS conference the first week of Sept., then vacation (which I’m not supposed to be taking because it’s in our last 3 months of service, but fudge that…they tell us we can only take vacation during school holidays, then tell us we can’t leave during school holidays….), then school’s over November 30th, and that’s all she wrote.

It’s getting kinda crazy. Libby leaves the end of September, and I’ll miss her like heck, though she’s gonna hang around a bit, at least long enough to come to the wedding feast. Time’s seriously almost up.

I’m ready to go, but it’s going to be hard to leave. I remember the first time they called us down to Maseru…I guess it was 3 months after I moved in here. I cried all the way down the mountain, and I thought to myself, if it’s this hard to leave after 3 months and I’m only going to be gone a week, what is it going to be like in 2 years?

Re tla bona: we shall see.

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Anyway, thanks for keeping up with me. I’m getting excited about seeing some of you again, and I’m excited to introduce you to Anthony.

I hope you’re enjoying summer. It’s still cold up here.

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Saturday 25 August 2007

My counterpart tried to screw me over this week, but I caught on to her game and after about two years, I finally know how to play like a Mosotho. We were supposed to go to a workshop in town hosted by Amy’s school on Monday, and she tried to leave without me…got the two new teachers to go. I’d already made plans with Amy and the workshop was on what I teach, COSC English (Forms D/E).

She told me the headmaster chose who was going. He, of course, said, “How could I choose the teachers? That is up to the head of the department,” who is my counterpart. But he was really cool about me walking out the door and going to this two-day workshop without official school permission. He’s reimbursing me for my transport/food, which is nice, since my part adds up to R60. (Amy’s boss spotted my lunch the second day, an additional R30, and he’s getting that money back to her.)

I’m so sick of this shit. But, strangely, it doesn’t bother me anymore. My counterpart spent those two days trying to get me not to be mad at her, but to be honest, I’m at the point where I don’t care. She lied, she’s playing politics against me again, she’s trying to turn people against me and me against other people…and it’s almost like I expect it of her. I HAVE to continue working with her as we both teach a stream of Form A and we’re splitting E, so it’s not in my best interest to hold a grudge, but I’m keeping it strictly business, which means to say it’s as personal as it needs to be to make a happy work environment. Bitch.

My principal told me I could come to school for class and then go home, which is nice, especially on days like Monday, where I have one class at 8am and then nothing. It’s only T/TR I have to stay past 10:40am, so that’s cool. It won’t make me any friends in the staff room, but, again, I don’t care. I’m most of the way out the door, and I don’t want to make any more of these political, fickle, surface “friendships” which should really be called alliances.

This coming week, however, I’m one of the teachers on duty, so I have to stay all day. I gave a big assignment to E so I’ll have work to do, and I’d planned to leave for Anthony’s on Thursday, but the taxi drivers said they’d wait for me to get out of class Wednesday morning, so I’m going then. I haven’t seen him since my birthday, and I miss him a lot. So I told my partner on duty I’d take care of M/T morning and afternoon assemblies and W morning, then he could do the other half of the week. He seems cool with that. Then again, he’s the dude who, when drunk at a staff party, came up to me and told me that my problem was that I think I’m better than the Basotho. (He was new and didn’t know I’d been outside crying for the past two hours to a couple of Basotho who were holding me together.)

-------

Remember how I said (I think I’ve said here) that my mom and Anthony’s mom are very much alike? It seems we’ll be running into problems with that. There’s a lot of she-said-this going on, and I hate having people in the middle, or being in the middle. I think we’re all going to have to sit down and have a talk when we get back.

For example, I hear something from Anthony that his mom said, but I don’t have time to talk with him before we run out of phone money, so I get my mom to call to explain, and then she’s in the middle of Anthony and his mom, and it’s a messy situation all around.

On the up side, my mom and I had a really good conversation this week, and it seems like we’re on the same page. As long as we can get Anthony and his mom in the same book….

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Classes are good. My As are pissed I’m leaving for a week and a half, but I’m giving a quiz before I leave Wednesday and said if anyone gets an 85% or up, I’ll give him/her a prize when I get back, and that shut ‘em up (I can get better candy in Maseru).

“What if the whole class gets an 85%?” asks my darling little boy, Lereng. I told them we’d have to have a huge celebration, but I didn’t believe they would. (It’ll be a hard quiz, but at least I know how to motivate them to study now.)

And the Es are doing all right. My counterpart will take them while I’m gone. I just hope she actually does something with them. I’m not convinced she is. When I went in Thursday, I asked what she told them Wednesday. “Nothing,” they said, “she just gave us work.”

I will take the class back if that continues, you better believe it.

And my Snowball Club, the one spawned from Speak A.L.O.U.D., is doing a school magazine, so I’m helping with that, although thankfully I’m not doing much…they’ve got it all under control. Good kids, those. I got my little Lereng involved. He’s a brilliant child, and very kind, and I want some of the older kids to look after him. He’s a tiny little guy and I’ve seen the friends he came into school with drift away, probably because he’s a good student and doesn’t want to play around. Lereng said they were very welcoming to him. They told him to write a poem for the magazine but he had no idea what poetry was, so I tried to give him a crash course and didn’t do so well, but he came back with a BEAUTIFUL poem about not destroying forests.

“Lereng,” by the way, is “Le re’eng” in Sesotho, which means, “What are you saying?” I still have no idea why people give kids that name, but maybe his parents had trouble having kids or they had only girls or something.

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I came home yesterday and cleaned up and cleared out my file cabinet. I had a bonfire for over an hour this morning of all the paperwork I’ve been saving and don’t need. People do that as a last thing before they go and they get all sentimental, but I wanted to get it over with. It was kinda fun.

I’m really ready to go, and that’s good, since it’s almost time. I’m sure in a month or two, I’m going to have to be dragged kicking and screaming out of here. But for now, I’m ready.

Things are looking good for the return trip. I need to get final confirmation from B in Naples about staying in Italy; Monkey said he needs to be constantly reminded about getting us in NYC; my dad’s younger sister in MD said she’d be glad to take us down to VA so I could see other family and get dad to pick us up. So it’s all working out.

Now…who wants to find me a job?! Hehe. I’m seriously considering Asheville for the time being. We really want to get to Oregon, so if that can be a first move, great; but I know and miss the Blue Ridge and Asheville has a Macrobiotic and Buddhist population there, so that would be good for me. I know the co-op grocery store and bookstores and stuff, so it’s a start. I don’t want to be in Boone, but being near it would be nice.

We’ll see how it goes. My parents are letting us have my room for the time it takes us to figure out the next step, and if you skip to the beginning of this livejournal, I think there are still entries about how I couldn’t stand being there, but my biggest problem was not being on my own time. I had to tell them where I was going and all of that, and I have to do that every time I stick my head out of my door here, so it doesn’t bother me so much. Plus, I’m more patient, more aware of others and my reactions to them and why I react certain ways…and all of that good stuff. And Anthony will be there, too.

Something else I’ve learned here is the important value of family. So I think it will be nice to stay with my parents for a couple of months.

You might even say I’m looking forward to it.

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I think this will be the last pre-internet entry. I guess I just like giving you guys stuff to read.

Plan is to get to Anthony’s on Wednesday. We had planned for me to get there Saturday and to go to Bloemfontein for the night Sunday, but I’m hoping we can do the weekend now. Then we get to Maseru Monday for the start of our COS conference, which lasts ‘til Thursday, but we have to stay over ‘til Friday. I want to be back home Saturday, but I think we’ll have to stopover somewhere Friday night, maybe Butha-Buthe camptown. (I don’t want to get to his place and have to go back the next day; his transport blows.)

So, I’ll see ya in Bloem or in Maseru when we come in on Labor Day.

Until then, all my love,

-TKao

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Saturday 1 Sept 2007

We overnighted in Ficksburg on our way to Bloem last night, so I've got a minute or two here.

I found out my best friend from high school is getting married in March to a guy we went to school with forever. Kinda crazy, we're all getting engaged.

What else...Expedia wants me to call them about flight problems, except I can't, so I hope dad can help out with that, although he said it took an hour to talk to them last time, so probably a headache. Too bad 800 numbers don't work from down here at all.

I'll be on again in a couple days...see ya then!

Oh, and I have to buy a white wedding dress after all for the wedding here, so that's kinda scary. I'll look in Bloem.

-TKao

I swear, the only problems I've really had in this country have been with technology.

I made this cool .wmp video for my parents, and it's too big to email, too big to upload to a webiste...zipping it doesn't change it much. Gonna have to mail a CD again, and I've no verification it works. I'll probably get there before it does.

And my flash drive won't work here due to security issues, and I can't download stuff to apply for grants because of security issues (these "helpful" computers aren't very helpful)...and pics aren't uploading well, either. Grr.

Anyway, I've gotten a lot done here...I think I figured everything out. Still more to find out, but not from my end.

I'm leaving on Thursday, so I hope you guys have fun and still write me for the last few months I'm here. Going to Ladybrand tomorrow to get a few groceries, though I'm broke again. I need money management skills. But I'm living on very little, so I'm trying to give myself a break.

Love you! :)

-TKao

Monday, 7 May 2007

Once again, this was written long before it will ever get to you. I now have computer access, but no way to hook it up to the rest of the world. But I’m not complaining: the computer has made life much different over here in my little hut.

I’m at school right now; it’s just before noon. I brought the computer to start showing my Form Es (they’re the seniors) Grammar Rocks from Schoolhouse Rocks (thanks for getting it to me, dad!). However, as happens here in Lesotho, we aren’t really having class today. We had a sports thing this weekend, and when I got to school at the normal time (7.20 for me), the campus was dead: no students anywhere. More people had arrived by 9, well past the half-past-7 assembly time, but not nearly everyone. The teachers mulled over releasing the kids, but the Ministry of Education (or MOE as it’s affectionately known here) was supposed to come, and if we don’t have school like normal, they could fine us.

At any rate, there’s crap to do. I hate teaching when only half the class is here because it’s a wasted lesson (gotta teach it all over again later), and I can’t go home quite yet, so here I sit, freezing my little fingers off in our interminably cold staff room. I’ve been reading and wrote in my real journal and all that good stuff. Then I entered more grades on Adam Livingston’s nifty little grading Excel sheet, then decided to jot down some things to pass to you later.

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School is still fine. I’m still not as into it as I was last year. I’m just trucking along. I would seriously go insane if this was what I had to do for the rest of my life. I want to see my babies get through their final, final exam and move on. My As and Bs are fun this year, but I’m tired.

Anthony and I are still doing wonderfully. We’ve been together “officially,” we think, since November 18th, so it’s been a while, and even though I never thought it possible, I think we fall more in love each time we see each other. I’m hesitant to talk about it for some reason, but trust me when I say that I feel things for him that I’ve never felt for anyone before, or from anyone for that matter…it’s different.

I hope I can get more pictures up this trip; depends how much the internet costs in Underberg. [N.B.: I thought I’d get internet while we were in Underberg on our way to the Buddhist Retreat Centre in Ixopo. I went there Easter of 2006, and I loved it. It was great this time too; will get to that in a bit.]

My boss, the best boss I’ll ever have in my entire life, is leaving us to go to another post (Albania, I think) in July. That sucks. So he won’t be here when we leave, but hopefully he’ll have put all our ducks in a row for us so we don’t have to have much to do with the new guy. The new guy might be a blast, but he can’t possibly be better than Hill. Albania’s a lucky country.

We made some new friends in Fouriesburg (berg or burg?), so if you’re ever in the neighborhood, go check out The Old Schoolhouse restaurant. (It’s out of the Butha-Buthe border post, Caledon’s Poort or whatever.) They serve delicious, organic/free-range foods and even have a cheap guesthouse where you can crash afterwards. Every month on the 25th, they have a themed night. We went to Irish Night, which was a blast, and we will have taken a few more friends for Bohemian Night in May by the time you read this. Lola & Dion are the best! (They’re our new friends, the owners/cook/staff of the restaurant/guest house.)

And I think I know my next calling, in terms of what I’m going to do after Peace Corps…I always seem to get callings in April…but time will tell. It’ll give me a heck of a lot to do when I get back.

So I still wish you guys all the best, and I hope everything’s going well for you.

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Sunday, May 13th, 2007

Yesterday afternoon, Anthony asked me to marry him.

And since I don’t have any close friends who live extremely near me and it’s a zillion Rands to call anyone, I figured I’d make the announcement here.

He asked our boss, Hill, about any possible restrictions (Peace Corps is as much of a big brother as any arm of the governmental services), but everything seems clear in the books. Our Basotho fathers are in line and ready to negotiate with each other (his dad’s supposed to call mine via my phone sometime, and my dad told Anthony yesterday morning that we’re having the wedding in October, so I guess it’s settled on our end). And Anthony even asked my father, the “real” one. I think he’s covered all the bases.

So with everyone’s blessing (and, no offence, but we’ve got all the ones we really need), I’m going to get married!

We’ll have a traditional ceremony here, and then start talking about what we’ll do stateside. I have a feeling it’ll be a while. We have something fun planned, but I think, like most couples, we need to figure out our next moves, sources of income, and long-term-temporary lodgings before we have a big ceremony. So it’ll be weird: we’ll actually be married before we leave Lesotho, but only in the eyes of those who wish to see it that way; it’s not legal in America until we get bloodwork and get a few things signed. We’ll consider ourselves married, at any rate.

He’s been working on a ring for me for a while. As you know, I don’t wear any metal, so he’s been secretly figuring out the best thing to use. His parents unwittingly brought him the material when they were here in April: it’s a wood called purple heartwood. He’s been carving it, and it cracked slightly last week because he’s working with extremely limited tools (a hammer and the knife of a Leatherman). So the ring’s not quite ready yet, but that’s okay.

I know I’m still a kid (we’re still kids) and I have a lot of choices left to make about my life, but Anthony is someone who’s on a similar path to mine and we’re headed in the same direction. Plus, he’s someone I can grow with, and we laugh all the time (except this weekend: he gave me his stomach bug and we were up most of the nights)…and we think it’s true, what they say about just knowing.

I also know you all will love him, so I think this will be a lot of fun!

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Wednesday, June 6th, 2007

So this is the second snow day of the year. We’re supposed to be writing exams, but the general rule is that when snow’s on the ground, it’s too cold for school. Some rooms don’t even have all their windows.

Exams have been hell. The copier was broken, so we had to start late. Then the generator broke, so we had to postpone. It’s basically one of three daily options during exams: postpone, delay an hour or so, or scramble madly to staple a couple hundred 3 to 6 page exams 5 minutes before writing time. Yippie.

I’ve marked most of mine; I only have 2 batches left to go. So no big deal for me. School officially closes on the 13th (next week, hooray!), and then Anthony comes up here on the 14th, and then I hope we’ll be together until school starts again on the first of August.

And then it’s only 4 months left! Ack!

(By the way, just to remind you: it’s a snow day, sure, but I don’t have electricity or running water, so it’s kinda like camping with a gas heater and having to poo in the snow, although my latrine isn’t filled with snow, so maybe it’s a bad comparison.)

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Nothing else much is new. I’ve been trying to figure out some things in my own head, and in the process of that, I’m trying to reach out to people who were there when things went down. I’m not even sure what I’m asking for; something just tells me that one of these people has a piece of the puzzle that I lost some years ago.

To close, I’ll share with you a small article I’m submitting for our newsletter here. Maybe it’ll give you some insight as to what’s going on with me.

I love you guys and hope you’re all doing well. Thanks for still reading this.

Love always,

-TKao

(Hehe, and as my dad pointed out, my new initials are gonna be AMP. Kinda funny.)

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A Visit from the APCD

by PCV Allison Matlack

“We usually like to ask a question to volunteers at about this time: What positive changes have you observed based on your service here?”

The question was something like that. Ntate Clement and ‘M’e Malitaba sat in the two available “kitchen” chairs across the rondavel from me as I sat on my tiny bed. My hands unconsciously gripped the edge of the foam mats.

“Uh….”

“We know it can be hard to see substantial changes right now, but try to give us some examples.”

What positive changes had I affected? I’d only been there a year and four months or so, and I was supposed to spontaneously make a list of all the “great” things I had done?

The only things that came into my head were failures, mistakes. The times my American-ness got in the way. The times I’d reacted more emotionally than I should have. The times my kids failed their tests. The times I was lied to; the times I’d had to lie. The times I drank too much, not always in the best places or with the best people. The times I’d stayed home when I could have been doing something more, something better. The times I’d stood by and watched children being teased for no reason or beaten by my co-workers; the times I’d had them beaten. The times I’d shouted at my kids; the times I’d been frustrated and walked out on them as a last resort.

Positive changes?

“Well, they finally finished the girls’ toilets, so I’d say that’s a positive change, but it’s not really a result of my service.”

And then slowly things started to trickle in. How my kids don’t hide behind their hands when they talk to superiors anymore. How members of the staff are now confident enough to address the administration with their opinions. How the kids are given opportunities, like going to town to get career advice, that they wouldn’t have had without me. How energized and empowered our students emerged from Speak A.L.O.U.D. How my kids are starting to think on their own, and how they’re starting to have dreams and the belief that they can make them a reality. How much love I’ve known in the midst of such pain and confusion, and how much suffering that has made me a stronger woman.

I’m not the best English teacher in the world. I’m not the best teacher in general, but I do try. I make mistakes, in the classroom and in the office, but I know how to admit them and learn. I’ve spent an entire year integrating, forming relationships, becoming immersed in this place and this culture. And I’ve spent another four months pulling back, observing, assessing, somnambulating in a lot of ways.

Positive changes?

“I will know that I am a successful Volunteer when…,” says the Personal Definition of Success in the Staging Workbook I haven’t looked at since staging, “I am loved by the people around me, when I reach an individual and know that I’ve helped him, when I am no longer considered a tourist or a ‘wealthy American,’ when I can feel welcome to call on others and they feel welcome to call on me, when I feel happy, when I feel safe, when I am healthy, when I make a difference somewhere with someone, when I can hold a long conversation in Sesotho. 3 concrete indicators: contentment, love, wisdom.”

Contentment, love, wisdom. I’ve had all three during my stay in Lesotho, though not always all at the same time, and not always for long stretches.

Am I a successful volunteer?

It’s a comfort to know that—even if I don’t always feel like I am, even if I can’t pinpoint a single positive change I’ve affected in the people around me—the little girl I was before I got on that plane would think I’ve become a very successful volunteer.

And, really, I didn’t come here to change the world. I came to let the world change me.

I have certainly been changed, positively.

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Sunday, 1 July, 2007

Well, I apologize for this REALLY long entry. I’m sure it flooded the friends’ pages of a couple people. But that’s okay. I thought I’d get to internet in Underburg, but the only option was R1 a minute, and probably on dialup, and I’m just not that desperate. This will go out at the end of the month, hopefully on the 21st of July.

We’re going to Scottish Night in Fouriesburg (free whiskey tasting, guys!) on the 20th, then to Maseru from the 21st to 26th (a couple day trips planned: Bloemfontein to see a movie since we heard Shrek 3 is out and Ladybrand for groceries), then hopefully to our pal Tim’s place. We want to check out his boat that you have to ride across the river to get to his house. Nifty.

Time is flying. We had a GREAT time at the BRC, very affirming and calming for both of us. I settled a lot of those things in my head and am moving on in a certain way. I guess I got a kind of permission to let things go. Our transportation was crazy, but a lot of kind people helped us out, so it all fell into place. But that’s another story.

What else…we’re lounging, reading, exercising, meditating. Nice, slow days. Going to town tomorrow to say farewell to a lady ending her 2 years in the next couple weeks, then walking over to Libby’s place to spend the night. Anthony will leave at the end of the week to go home for a bit and get settled, then he goes to Maseru for a few days, then I’ll join him before we head off on the last leg of our trips.

Then school on the first of August, and then I’ll be 27. Krikey. I’m old!

I’ve been thinking more and more about what happens when I get back, and I think, after all this time, I’m ready to let most of the people in my old life go. Monkey and I talked a bit about cutting ties way back before he left Boone. I didn’t really want to cut ties, but now I think I do. It’s an odd but releasing and freeing feeling. I think it comes down to not making the effort. If people want to find me, they’ll find me, and if not, then I’ll just find the people I want to find and not bother with the rest. Easy enough.

But I still love you all, here or there or everywhere in between.

Oh, and nevermind about the CDs I asked for a while back. Nobody sent ‘em, but my pal Amy went back to the States for a wedding last month and brought them back for me.

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Tuesday July 10th

Well.

Yesterday, I attended my 7th funeral in the past year and a half. This one was for the mother of one of my kids. I attended her father’s funeral last year (that was the 2nd funeral I attended).

My mother here said that when the girl’s father died, she talked to the mother about getting an HIV test, but the lady didn’t want to hear it. “They’re afraid,” said my mom. “They don’t want to live.”

And something related to that ended up in my family not going to the funeral. I asked why, and she said something about the lady not wanting them at her house, but I’m still unclear. I asked if I should still go and she said yes, “It’s your child.” Still weird.

It wasn’t the most emotionally draining I’ve been to, but I think they get harder every time. I wonder how many more I’ll be attending in the next 6 months.

And before I went, I texted one of my friends (dunno if she wants this to be common knowledge) to say I was going to the funeral. She responded by telling me our doctor told her there’s an 80% chance a funky mole on her body is skin cancer and she’s getting a biopsy on the 31st.

WTF? We’re in our mid-20s. (I can’t say early 20s anymore, can I?) Cancer isn’t supposed to even enter our local vocabulary for another 20 years. I’m pretty freaked out by it, and I can’t even imagine how she feels.

CRAZY.

Be well.

-TKao

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Today.

Okay, on a paid computer again...apparently, as our IT expert and I discovered, my security and PC security are no longer compatable! My USB drive has a pword protection on it run by a partitioned second drive which the PC computers won't allow to run, so here I am again...bah. At least it's only R5 per 30 minutes this time.

About to go to the eye doctor again to get an update.

Things are good. New boss is equally as cool as the old one, so that RULES. (He's even wearing a purple shirt today, and he greeted us in Sesotho, which rocks, seeing as he's only been here a few weeks.)

Had some good letters lately...thanks guys. You should be getting replies soon.

Bought plane tickets. Leaving Jo'burg on the 19th to get to Rome on the 20th; leaving Rome on the 8th of January to get to NYC on the 9th, where hopefully Monkey will pick us up and hang out with us for a few days. :) (It was $1,000 more expensive to get to NC....)

So there it is!

Getting married here in October, if we can talk our boss into it.

Wedding dress being sewn right now.

Sending dad grad school apps right now....

Things are falling into place!

Love always,

-TKao

Okay, using a ridiculously expensive internet cafe in Cape Town, so this'll be quick (have 5 minutes left):

Not sick anymore (finally!)

With Anthony's parents here...they're really nice, and I think our parents will get along like they've been best friends forever, so that makes for nice inlaws. I don't think she'll be an annoying mother-in-law either, so that's even better! They're nice country folk...highschool sweethearts from Oklahoma. And they aren't afraid of cuss words, so that's good, and the dad likes my dad's jokes, so that's even better.

Tired of school, ready to be done...will get kicked out of Peace Corps with the rest of my group on Dec 11, then will head to Europe for a bit. Got a response from an old friend who is now living in Naples, Italy, so we have a free place to stay on the naval base there...yay! (I miss him, too, so that's an even bigger plus...to see him.)

Getting cold here...ready for winter to blow on in.

Got a haircut today for R150. Most expensive cut ever, although it's like $22 or something in comparison.

I'm broke.

I have a bunch of CDs I'd like to get, but I don't have time to find the right links...the new Pink one, the new Jewel one, the new Nelly Furtado one, and there's one by the girl who sings the "There are 9 million bicycles in Bejing" song, but I don't rememeber her name. And CDs are more expensive than that haircut, so if anyone still burns them....

I love and miss you all, and I wish I had more time, but I gotta go. I'm seriously broke, and R50 an hour is a ripoff!

Take care...will talk to you again in June, I guess. Write letters! :)

Love always,

-TKao

I know I said I'd be around yesterday afternoon, but things didn't work out quite that way.

I had a cold all last week (as I said before), and it was almost better by the time I got down here. But my nose was still runny, so I asked medical if I could get some nasal decongestant. I wasn't able to pick it up until Wednesday after the workshop ended...and medical is all gone (Doc in a conference in RSA, the nurse out in Thaba-Tseka on a site visit, the secretary on maternity leave; a retired secretary is filling in and kinda on-call but not always in the office). So I was like...I'm sick, I want the medicine, it's ready for me to pick up...but the office is locked.

The head secretary told me to ask our boss for a key, and luckily he had one, so we got in...almost. He had forgotten the code to the alarm on the med building. So he had to call the nurse, who had trouble remembering and gave him the wrong one at first, so we set off the alarm. But she got it fixed. But they didn't give me nasal decon.; I got Advil Cold & Sinus, which is for congestion, sinus pressure, fever, whatever. And it was made in Botswana. Heh.

I shrugged and took it; I just wanted my nose to chill out. Then Anthony and I went out to dinner (kinda sucked; due to the strikes, they didn't have spinich for my favorite dish, and everything else was too spicy [they didn't understand NO SPICE], so I didn't really eat). I went to sleep a little before 9.

At about 1, I woke up with every symptom that the Advil CS is supposed to treat that I didn't have: I couldn't breathe through my nose, had lots of sinus pressure, and was shivering. I woke up Anthony, who said I felt hot, even though I was cold, so we figured I had the fever, too. He piled blankets on me and we tried to sweat it out, but it didn't really work.

And what sucks is that had I been home, I would have had everything I needed to treat everything...thermometers, fever reducer, sore throat, nasal stuff...but no such luck.

In the morning, I tried to get the nurse, then called our boss, who got the nurse for me, and they sent me to a private clinic here. We got a shuttle to the office with the rest of the workshop attendees, then they drove me to the clinic and back and then to the grocery store and to the T-House, so that was really cool. I didn't get a clear diagnosis, but what the doc said and what he gave me told me that I have strep throat.

So I was in bed all day yesterday writhing. My fever didn't go down until about 8pm. I think my brain is fried. (Remember the "This is your brain on drugs" commercial?)

I still feel like crap today, but it's much better than yeserday. And I'm really glad Anthony's here to take care of me. He's been doing a great job.

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And as for those who hadn't heard of the strike (and here I was, thinking people were all worried about me), it even made semi-international news: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/low/africa/6467695.stm

So there.

But, as one PCV said the other day, "We have a BBC correspondent in Maseru?!?!"

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Today we're going to go across the border to Ladybrand to get some groceries and eat some Chinese food. Then I'm gonna go home and sleep again. (Although "home" here sucks these days; we have a TREMENDOUS ant problem...little buggers are everywhere.) We go back up to Mohkotlong tomorrow.

So I'll see you guys in a few months!

Take care.

-TKao

Just so ya know, if you've been worried about the strikes here, everything's peaceful, everything's just closed. I'll update more later, but I don't have much time now...we're not supposed to be out, and the boss is going to "give us a ride," aka forcibly take us back to where we're staying. But that's cool. So I'll talk with ya again Thursday (strike over tomorrow).

Anyway, here's what I had to say:

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Wednesday, 14 March:

Howdy, everybody. I’m home sick today, so I thought that since I have this handy laptop here, I’d write to you guys.

“The Common Cold” pervades Lesotho. Basically any illness can be described as “sefuba,” “The Common Cold.” But instead of saying, “I caught a cold,” they say, “I’ve been caught by a cold.” More appropriate, don’t ya think?

And I love the difference in reactions. Think about it. What happens when you tell people you have a cold?

“Oh, that sucks.” And then you’re expected to get on with you life.

Here, it’s like, “OH! Have you been to the doctor?! Why not?! Well, you should at least be at home, resting.”

To tell the truth, if I lived on campus, I’d totally be at school today. I could go to class and then go home, then go back for class, then back to rest, etc. But the thought of the hike to school and then having to sit there for the entire day…I’ll pass. They’re just going to ask me why I’m not resting, anyway.

I think the problem is that I’ve been doing too much. Last year, I thought I was a pretty crappy volunteer: all I did was teach. This year, about 5 different things landed on my head, all to be done by the end of March/first of April.

For one, I’ve been trying to get girls’ and boys’ youth groups started at school. I have the interest of the high school kids, permission from the administration, official time slots, and posters in the E and D classrooms. I was supposed to start the second week in February, and here it is in mid-March and we haven’t started. Different things keep happening: the girls are given last-minute assignments they have to complete and can’t make it; staff meetings for two weeks in a row on Thursdays so the boys can’t meet; sports all last week during study time. One thing or another. This week, I’m sick.

Another thing is that I volunteered to facilitate the “Speak A.L.O.U.D.” workshop in our district, Mokhotlong. The GAD committee (Gender and Development, I think, or Gender and Diversity, I dunno) came up with the idea to hold a workshop in every district on March 3rd to celebrate International Women’s Day. All PCVs in the district could bring kids to discuss emerging gender and youth issues in Lesotho. No one else in our district had the time, so Amy, Andrew, and I decided we’d split the labor. But then it came down to just me. So I planned and orchestrated the whole thing; Suzi got people to cater; Libby found the speakers and ran a couple of events; Amy, Courtney, and Andrew helped out with a skit and group discussions. But it was a shit-ton of work for me, and I hate doing these kinds of things.

However, it turned out GREAT. The education PCVs (Andrew, me, Amy, Courtney) brought 6 kids: 2 Cs, 2 Ds, 2 Es; except for Courtney, whose school is only secondary, so she brought 2 Cs only. We had two speakers from the Child and Gender Protection Unit of the police to talk about abuse and a youth to speak about being active in the community. We played games and did skits and had a lot of great discussions about gender and abuse issues. All the kids seemed motivated and desirous of carrying on the information.

Andrew’s kids spoke to the rest of his school in morning assemblies, talking to one class at a time. My kids went ballistic and started a small group and met three times the first week, then every day this week to prepare a drama for the school. They’re recreating workshop events and trying to get the message out through poetry and word-of-mouth. They’re making me really proud. And I told them the workshop was mine, so the rest of the work was up to them, and they’re sticking to it…I don’t have to do much of anything but ask for updates.

Another thing we’re (me and Libby) doing is for my Form Es: Career Day. Libby’s lining up 4 or 5 people to talk to us about what they do and how they do it, and how students can do it when they finish school. So I’m taking a taxi-load (14) of kids to town Friday to talk to them, then those 14 will share the info with the rest of the class (total of 49 kids in the class).

The school’s been really supportive of all this, but I’m exhausted.

And my counterpart, ‘M’e Mampho Mathaba, and I are going to Maseru on Sunday for an HIV/AIDS workshop, talking about how to integrate it into teaching. It ends Wednesday, but I’m going to stick around until Friday, getting a few things done, maybe even hitting up Ladybrand (just across the border) to get some good groceries. And use the gym all week. J

Anthony and I are doing wonderfully. We see each other at least every other week (he’s been coming here a lot due to my work with Speak A.L.O.U.D., but I went over there last weekend), and since we’re still not sick of each other, I guess that’s a good sign. I could sit here and list all the things I like about him for an hour or so, but I’ll spare you guys the agony, hehe. It’s a different kind of love; I’m working through a lot of issues and trying to figure it out. But I can’t imagine my life without him.

His parents are coming to visit over Easter break, so I’m going to go around with them, mostly around Lesotho and then for a week in Cape Town. I’m a little nervous, but I think it’ll be okay. Our moms have been in constant communication; they’re a lot alike. We’ll see how it goes.

We’ve decided NOT to stay a third year, so expect a visit from the two of us sometime in early 2008. The plan is sorta like the one I had…Rome/Italy over Christmas, then Spain (I’ve never been there; tell me what I should do) over New Year’s, then back to America to do a cross-country trip for a few months, then school for me in June (anyone raised the 30-grand for me yet?!?!). Then, I don’t know. I desperately want to be around for Thanksgiving, but we both want to hop right back out of the country. We’ve thought about programs in Japan; it all depends on how I can work out school and that stuff. And money. I hate money.

Maybe one of us will be published by then.

Anyway, he looks forward to meeting all of you.

School is okay; very, very busy, as you have guessed from the above list of my activities. My class sizes are down to an average of 50 students, which is great, considering the average was around 75-80 last year. And they’re better classes, too. No discipline problems yet. My B class is comprised of the bright kids, and the As I’m teaching are adorable and quite smart. I wish the Es would be more serious, but we’re getting there.

No serious problems as of yet. Katiso and Mr Y are both jealous of Anthony, but they’re getting over it. Still having issues with the older gentleman, Ntate Qacha, but I’m learning to ignore them. Other than that, everyone’s left me alone this year. That’s nice. Although, there’s a teachers’ trip to Sani Pass on Saturday, and things always change during and after staff parties (thanks, alcohol), so we’ll see.

The thing is, I concentrated a lot last year on integrating. Now, I think I integrated too far and I’m ready to back out a bit. I’m definitely going to be ready to get the heck out of here in December. I’ll miss it forever, but it’ll be a bittersweet missing. And I can’t miss it if I never leave, eh?

I hope all of you are still doing well. I hear from you less & less often. But I guess that’s all right…less people I have to see when I get back!

Enjoy the coming summer; we’re bundling up over here. I like the cooler weather. Remind me that I said that in a month or two when my toes have frozen and broken off my feet.

All my love,

-TKao

Right. So. I'm thinking: hey, last year, I made a ton of mistakes, I learned a lot, I made a lot of people mad, BUT I figured out these people, these kids, this school and now I know what to do.

Good thought, anyway.

Monday, I got scared. No one is teaching form As because they're getting books and not all there and whatever. But I got in front of the B2s, who are the smart kids from form A1 and A2 last year, and I'm like...shit. I'm totally inept. I have no idea what I'm doing. I am not qualified. These poor kids. And it went a little better in E...we just did a lot of housekeeping.

But it got better Tuesday, and by Wednesday, I was back in the swing of things. I left the Es to look up all the words they don't know in the "I Have a Dream" speech by Rev. King (I think there are 93), so Tuesday and Wednesday, I gave them the history and explained some things and then read it outloud. All the smart kids were totally paying attention, so I know I'm doing something good. They didn't understand the speech 100%, but every time we turned the page, they all went, "MMMMM!!" So I think they felt it. I REALLY need a copy of him giving the speech, so if anyone can find that, in any format (I have laptop and DVD now), PLEASE PLEASE sent it on over.

And I did a little grammar review in B, and I had them all involved and participating by the end of the class, and they seemed to remember last year's grammar, so we're doing good so far.

Then...well, it couldn't be all good, right?

Wednesdays, we have Sports at 3:40-4:30 (M, T, Th we have study during that time). So I had said at assembly that I wanted to see the volleyball players. (I'm in charge of vball, and the girls especially SUCKED last year, so we need to get goin'). I gave them a pep talk and told them I'm gonna work them hard, starting next week, and that the boys have to share the court. I went to get the ball, which was flat, and no one knew where the pump was...Mr Y finally said it was at his house, but sans needle, so what good is that? But the kids played with the flat ball. I think they're up for it.

My counterpart's husband calls me over (he was standing with Katiso and Y) and says, "Hey, listen, if you want to talk to the volleyballers, fine, but don't disturb the rest of the school. Keep them in their classes."

I looked around...some kids were up playing soccer and the rest were hanging outside the classrooms.

"It's not my job to keep them inside," said I. "My job is to work with the volleyball players."

"Anyway, you're wrong," said Katiso, and remember that they roll all "r"s, so it sounds even better when semi-shouted. "It's not time for sports. It's too early. The Form Ds aren't here yet. You're WRONG."

"Every fucking thing I DO is wrong," said I, storming back into the staffroom.

I went to help my counterpart give out books to the Cs, and I told her what happened. She said I was in the right and they were probably upset because they weren't ready to start yet.

Assholes.

I went up to Y and said I wasn't going through this shit for another year.

"Why are you telling me?"

"Because it needs to be said," said I, "and because you actually listen to what I have to say."

"Well, they could have been more polite about it, anyway."

Grr.

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And Katiso has been driving me NUTS. He can't STAND not being the center of my constant attention. If I'm reading and he's in the room, he's talking to me. He's stealing pens, he's playing with my hair, he's teasing me and making me chase him around the office building. He's like 2. He only likes me when I'm with someone else, and it pisses him off that I'm not interested in him in the least anymore.

But it's his loss.

I've just got to figure out a way to ignore all these people and still do my job effectively. Bah.

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I got here yesterday for the fun exam (I still feel a little violated; people I don't like just shouldn't be touching me in those places), went to a step class at the gym (Amy's right; watching Basotho try to do step is HYSTERICAL), then ate and slept. Today, I went to the gym, then watched "16 Candles" (what a great film) and got to the office. I'm waiting for Anthony to get here (should be here by 4), and then we'll go check into the hotel we're staying at for the All-Vol conference, where we'll talk about what we're going to do when the police and soldiers open fire on each other.

You know...this election...I thought the rumours about trouble were crap, but on my way back from Maseru last week, I saw all the factions having their little ralleys...and people are shouting the slogans all the time...and there's SO much talk, even in my little Mokhotlong staff room. People are expecting stuff to happen. So I guess there's no harm in getting ready.

Not sure if this was in my last post, but I hear the plan is that the PC vehicles will be dispatched to our sites and we'll have 15 minutes to pack and get in the car, and then we all go to Durban to a retreat centre. Hell, could be worse. I just think the bad thing is leaving my Form E students, who have to write final exams next spring (fall for you guys). But school will probably be closed, so who knows.

No need for you guys to worry, just me. I hate to be pulled out for an indefinite period of time. But I'll be with Anthony, so that'll be okay, yeah? ;)

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And my mom and his mom have apparently been bonding and communicating. Kinda weird. His mom even called me once. They sound a lot alike.

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So. Take care. I love you guys. Enjoy the cold. It's hot as 40 blue blazes down here in Maseru. At least I can still sleep with my blanket at home. Bah.

I stink.

My deoderant (sp?) doesn't work very well.

-TKao

Sorry, kinda in a hurry in and outta here...down for mid-service medical; all's good, no TB, no HIV, no cavaties, all that good stuff. Yay me.

Dad put together a picture album of our trip, so here ya go, if you want to see it.

Love you guys, and see ya here next week...gotta come down for one more test (the female one we all love so much), then stick around for a mandatory all-volunteer conference to talk about how they're going to evacuate us when the upcoming election goes wrong (RSA actually bombed Katse Dam up in the mountains last time, I heard...police vs soldiers everywhere and RSA guys came in to quell it), then have to stay Sunday for a meeting about something else I'm doing later this summer/fall, then back up on Monday.

I just want to stay home for more than a week! And it won't happen for a long time.

All else good...things with Anthony are wonderful. I don't think either one of us could be more happy. We were playing with an idea, but it got serious when we heard another PCV couple did it...Joe & Jamie here had a Basotho wedding, which isn't legally binding in the US, but that would be something really cool. So if he asks, I might just say yes.

If he can find a ring. That's always been the criteria. Since I don't wear metal, the guy who can find the right ring might get the right answer...hehe.

Okay, gotta run to the gym...aerobics class. That's one thing I like about this goddamned city.

-TKao

("Go well, my parents.")

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My parents fly out at just before noon tomorrow, making it a nice 21 days since they arrived in Durban. I must say that I will certainly miss them...it is sad that they have to go as soon as we readjusted to one another. Mom says she will be an emotional wreck tomorrow, so that should be fun. As dad says: "Hey, so what? It's only a year."

But I think he was being sarcastic.

It's been a great trip...but I will be happy to be home, and I bet they will, too. I'm looking forward to New Year's in Mlong, although Anthony and I have a 17-hour bus trip followed by a 7-hour taxi ride back to Mokhotlong ahead of us...all in a row. What a blast, eh? But that's better than flying in my book. Less hassle.

Things are still alright with the boy, although I am starting to see where problems might arise in the future...possibly the very near future. I'm scared he's going to be a little like my mom, as in it will be hard to say "You know what? I don't like when this happens," or, "I don't feel so comfortable when that happens," ya know? Like they will take it so personally that it's better for me not to say anything.

But I'm not that way...hehe...can't stay silent forever. And it's better for me to start talking now before I blow up, yeah? Whatever. I love him, but the kind of love I have...my definition or whatever...has changed so much that it takes a special person to understand and match it. I don't want constant adoration; I want a friend. Does that make sense?

Anyway.

Mom and Dad, I love you guys more than you may think, and I'm SO glad you were able to come down and to share this experience with me. I'm glad you got to see where I work and live, and I hope you feel more comfortable after that. Even though I would like to spend the next 10 years right next to you, I hope you understand that I can't give up something I think is very important just to satisfy a personal desire/wish. And I hope that makes sense. I hope, after all this, that you're able to be proud of me, and I hope that will carry you through the next year.

Thank you!

And I love you!

-TKao

(Ngoanana oa lona...your baby girl.)

Hello again, everyone!

So things have settled down a lot and we're actually starting to finally enjoy being around each other again, I think. The talk I had with mom helped a bunch. The last dinner at Plettenburg Bay, she ignored me and left me out of the conversation, which she thinks is rude, but which allowed me to finally be on vacation and not talk about my job. That was nice.

It has been GREAT to see Anthony again. The poor guy had quite a trip down here, but he made it.

Franschhoek is nice...too touristy. You'd never be able to imagine the places we've been eating. It's ridiculous.

We're off to Cape Town tomorrow. I hope that'll be fun. We get to stop by the home of Goats Do Roam wines...they have lots of goats and have goat cheese with the tasting! It's been one of the things I have been looking forward to the most.

I will say that I bet the safari will stay the highlight of the trip.

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I just sprayed some of Antonio Banderas's perfume on my arm at the store to try it out. It's wretched and won't come off my arm.

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I also got to talk with 'Stro for about 30 minutes yesterday. There's a free internet phone for use here. No one else was home or picked up. :P

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Anyway, I'm sending you all the best...I hope you're all doing well and are as happy as I am, or even happier.

-TKao

I hope everyone has a great day, even though it's just like every other day of the year, except that we're "forced" through guilt and pressure to buy stuff for other people, or else we all end up feeling bad.

Er...not jaded at all, hehe.

Have a great day, and I miss ya all.

-TKao

Okay.

I got to talk in depth with at least two other people, so that's great.

Well, one other person, and one I mentioned earlier.

I had a long "chat" with Monkey, and that was wonderful...I really do wish we had a month or so to catch up. I miss things I didn't even know I missed in his friendship.

And I had a good talk with mom. We had another of those dinners that started out, "Here is our daughter in the PC in Lesotho," which made me answer the same questions over and over again. I'm SO SICK OF IT. Arg. I hate, sometimes, mostly on vacation, working a job I can't ever get away from. "I am the job," as I heard in Miss Congeniality today. (I can't spell anymore, either.)

But it was good...worked through a few things...or at least made ourselves clear. I can, at the least, attribute to her the ability to have these kinds of conversations...her and Chris. The "I appreciate..., but I don't like...," conversations. She just takes everything so personally. If I took everything so personally, I'd have killed myself by now...these Basotho aren't so accomodating as I am. But anyway. I hope nothing but good came of that.

There's a couple from Holland here...they live in Amsterdam and said I absolutley have to go there, so I hope I now have a contact...hehe. If I get nothing else from the PC, it's contacts all over the globe.

And I've pissed these workers here off by staying up too late, so I should go. I hope to see ya tomorrow. We shall see.

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And I got texts from Anthony tonight, too. So funny. He's a doll. I can't wait to see him again.

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Thanks for putting up with me.

Love always,

-TKao

(Doesn't Thandiwe, or Thandi, sound so much better than Allison? I'll start taking a poll.)