Beginning chronologically, these pictures were taken upon arrival to Bangladesh and end with Saima's wedding which was 4 days before evacuation. These are some of my favorite pictures that I took and others took of me while I served in Bangladesh. Enjoy.

M

It is with much sadness and regret that I write this last blog entry. 3 days ago Peace Corps suspended the program in Bangladesh. We have all been evacuated to Washington DC for assessment, medical and other burocratic processes. It became apparent after much tension and various incidences that Peace Corps volunteers were not safe in Bangladesh. For safety and security reasons as well as liability I cannot go into details here on this blog but I can tell you that volunteers were directly being targeted by the terrorist group the JMB. While Peace Corps does operate in numerous countries with terrorist activities, volunteers and foreigners tend not to be the targets. Safety and security is the number one priority for PEace Corps and our Director in Washington made the decision to suspend the program. You can read his press release here:

http://www.peacecorps.gov/index.cfm?shell=resources.media.press.view&news_id=1103

So how am I doing? Not too well at the moment and pretty much in shock. We were called with the information to evacuate and given 3 hours to pack and say our goodbyes. How do you say goodbye to people you have created bonds with, friendships with in less than 3 hours? How do you tell your 9 year old niece that you have to go back to America at this moment? How do you tell your students that you will never teach another class? You will never see the projects to the end that you started? Never see their progress and commend their successes? How do you tell your friends that your sorry for leaving even though you dont want to go? There wasn't enough time and I feel like my guts have been ripped out. And even though many of the people won't read these words that I want to read them I have got to say them anyway.

To Malik: What can I say? You were there the first minute I stepped off the bus at site. I did not know who you were but you knew who I was, seeing as I was the only white woman in the town. I was so scared when I got there not knowing where I was going to sleep that night or what was going to happen to me. But there you were with that goofy grin and you said. "Hello I am Abdul Malik your counterpart. Your host father is here to take you home." I remember thinking how short you were and how skinny. Over the next months you showed me patience and kindess and eventually love. You always helped me when I needed it and I know it must have been annoying at times to take me to the market again, or to help me with whatever situation I seemed to get myself into. But you always did help me with a smile on your face and eventually I felt like I was a part of your family. I especially felt so when your 4 year old little daughter came running yelling "Auntie Maya Auntie Maya"!!! and your wife and her sisters began to tease me the way they teased eachother. I remember how excited you were when you talked to my brother on the phone and how proud you were of me and could not wait to meet him when he came to Bangladesh. I remember too how you wept in my living room when I told you that I had to leave in 2 hours and go back to America. You did not want me to see you crying and so I did not look at you but I was crying too. You are my family Malik and of course I will never forget you.

To Nazia: You made me love kids. I know it must seem funny not to like kids when you went to college to become a teacher but I was used to teenagers. Little kids just annoyed me but you warmed my heart. I think I will miss you the most. I loved your spunk and your humor and how you never gave up at anything. I loved sitting with you drawing princesses and teaching you how to salsa and tango and I love that you liked mariachi music. I loved watching cartoons in Hindi with you and how you always wanted to do your English homework with me. I think I learned more Bangla from you than anyone else and had to laugh at myself when I mispronounced everything like when I called a cough an elephant, cough being "khashi" in Bangla and elephant being "hati" and how everyone thought it was so funny that now you all call coughs "elephants". You always wanted me with you and you were the neatest kid I ever met. The look on your face broke my heart when I told you I had to go back to America. I am sorry I had to leave you weeping and sobbing. I am sorry I had to take your arms from around my waist and push you away as I left. I am sorry to have left you and sorry I made you cry. I love you so much my little Nazia.

To my Students: I dont know how you all managed to show up so fast at the school that day but gossip really does travel fast. I am so proud of all of you. You all did so well in the class and were all so dedicated. You were the reason I stuck it out for as long as I did in Bangladesh. Because there were many days I just wanted to give up and go home. Everything was so hard there, everything a challenge. But then I would walk into the class and the stresses of the day were forgotten. I would see your faces and I knew why I had joined Peace Corps and why I was going to stay in Bangladesh. I would have fought the whole world for you. I tried. The internet class was your idea. The English Club was your idea. You guys had the drive and the desire I just was there to facilitate. But you inspired me and made me feel that all of this craziness was worth it. I will miss our classes and our time together very deeply.

There really is so much more I have to say but I am tired and not the best writer in the world. How can I explain to you reader what I have been through? I really can't. But that is the nature of experience isnt it? I don't know what I am going to do next I am still processing all of this and I am really really sad. I left a big piece of myself in Bangladesh and I am changed forever.

M

There are many so called Peace Corps "rites" of passage but one of the most common and distinguished is tropical diharrea. Yep after Dhaka or rather on the bus from Dhaka back to site I got sick. Its not fun sitting on a bus for 4 hours feeling like you are going to explode. Once at site things went from bad to worse. I spent two days in bed with a fever and making frequent trips to the water closet as it were. That was the sickest I have been since I had the flu in Las Cruces years ago. Ugh. I still feel weak and my tummy is definately not OK but I beat the fever and taught my class today and then came here. I know this may seem a strange thing to share with the world but I am not embarrassed. Bangladesh is affected with diharreal diseases more than any where else and lots of people die. Everyone here knows about it and talks about it without shame. "Ohhhh you had the diharrea madam...did you make sure to drink saline?" thats what they asked me at the bank this morning as I dragged myself in. Yes I have been drinking oral rehydration salts (which taste like crap) and water, and coconut water and eating plain mushy rice and bannanas. Bleh. Lost more weight too and I am sorry to say it was mostly in the boobs. Why couldnt it be in the tummy!!!??? Anyhow my friend here nursed me. He brought me the saline and the coconuts and food and a chicken. Also all the servants of my neighbor came to visit me as did many of my students. They came and brought me gifts and told me to get better and clucked at me like mommies. It was all really surreal and strange but I guess they really do care for me. Madame they said you missed International Women's Day. And I said I know but I thought I was going to die in my bathroom. I did in fact call the Peace Corps medical unit and basically you just have to stay hydrated which I did.

Anyway, I miss food. I am going to the market to get stuff when I am finished here. I mean I really used to be a pig in the US but not here. I was really craving bangers and mash and a black and tan the other night and then yesterday I wanted sushi REALLY BAD. Ugh. The thought of putting curry in my tender sensitive torn up tummy gives me shivers.

But in the spirit of yummy food..... yeah I know this blog is diabolical.... but in the spirit of that yummy food... here are a few of my favorite recipies from Bangladesh:

FISH CURRY WITH COCONUT:

Ingredients:

200g fish steaks (hilsha, koi, cod rui what ever....)

1 tsp garlic minced

1 tsp ginger sliced

1 large red onion

1 cinnimon stick (1'' stick)

1/2 tsp mustard powder

1/2 tsp chili powder

1/2 tsp cumin seeds

salt (to taste)

3 Tbs oil

1-2 bay leaves

1/2 tsp whole black pepper

fresh corriander leaves to taste

3-4 small green chilies

1 cup fresh cilantro

1 large tomatoe chopped

1 tsp tamarand

1 can coconut or 1/2 real coconut shredded

1. Fry cinnimon, mustard, cumin, pepper, bay leaves and chiles in oil

2. Add garlic and ginger

3. Add onions and fry until brown

4. Add 1/2 leaves of correander. Add tomatoe and cook for 5 to 10 minutes

5. Add fish and remaining cumin, chili powder, salt, tamarind, tumeric, and coconut. If the curry looks dry add 1/4 cup of water. Simmer 5-10 minutes.

6. Add remaining corriander. Simmer 5 minutes.

CHICKEN ROAST:

Ingredients:

8lbs chicken skinless with the bones

1/2 cup diced onions

1 1/2 cups ghee or oil

1 tbsp salt

1 1/2 cups natural yogurt or sour cream

1 Tbsp ground ginger

1 Tbsp ground garlic

1 tsp ground black pepper

1 Tbsp ground poppy seeds

1/4 tsp ground mace

1/2 tsp ground cinnimon

1/2 cup keora water

2 Tbsp sugar

1 Tbsp lemon juice

1. In a saucepan over medium heat, heat ghee. Fry chicken lightly in ghee for about 10 min. Remove pan from heat. Allow to cool for 15 min.

2. Combine black pepper, poppy seeds, mace, cinnamon and cardamom to make a paste. (add 2 tbsp water if necessary)

3. Mix onion, salt, yogurt, ginger, and garlic. Add to chicken. Mix. Add 1-2 cups of water (not necessary if using small chickens) Cover and cook over low heat for about 1 hour; stirring occasionally.

4. Turn the chicken pieces and baste them with black pepper and mixture gravy and sprinkle with keora water.

5. Dissolve sugar in a little water, and add lemon juice. When the chicken is tender and cooked sprinkle suger mixture over chicken.

TOMATO IN LENTILS:

Ingredients:

1 cup lentils (small orange ones are best)

1/2 tsp ground tumeric

1/2 tsp chili powder

2 Tbsp chopped cilantro

2 green chilies

2 tsp crushed garlic

1 Tbsp sliced onions

1 Tbsp oil

3 medium tomatoes quartered

salt to taste

1. In a pot over medium heat, combine lentils, tumeric, chili powder, salt and 4 cups water. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and simmer for 40 minutes. Add tomatoes and cook until tomatoes are soft.

2. Add cilantro and green chilies and bring to a boil. Remove from heat.

3 In a sauce pan over medium heat, heat oil and saute onions and garlic until brown. Add to lentils and bring to a boil. Remove from heat.

Let me know if anyone tries these or if you want more recipeis.... I have loads though I have eaten many fascinating things here in the desh I dont cook too much. The lentil dish is one of my favorites though.

Peace Out.....

M

So I had a wonderful time in Dhaka this weekend. Went there and shopped and ate yummy food and toured around and I had red wine. I also had hot bubbly baths in the hotel. Yes the true path to happiness is vino and bubbly baths... its all I really need for true happiness. :) I needed a break from site as we all do from time to time. So went out for the weekend. I also went to a travel agency to set up my plans for my Thailand trip and I spent WAY to much money at a store called Aarong which is like the "pier one" of Bangladesh. The people in California would eat this stuff up!!! Its great. I bought a BEAUTIFUL salwar kameez black with hotpink hand work and antique gold sequins. I also bought a new sari and a purse and some really hot cute sandals. Hey so the ugly tevas got nicked I have a new pair of leather sandals that will go with anything! And I am really poor. I spent half my monthy wage in one hour at one store...3000 taka, which is like 50 bucks. Hey I payed my rent and I dont eat food anymore anyway so its all good.

What else to say. Ummm my life is slowly getting routiene and boring like everyone elses. Imagine that. Nothing too much to speak of. They caught the big head guy of the Terriorist group the JMB two days ago which is really good news for Peace Corps. Things are quiet. Things are calm. We are all settling into our apartments and getting into our grooves at site.

Oh yeah I got a package today from Mission Viejo, California. It had a bunch of Trader Joes fruit leather and lots of books, classics, but there was no letter and I am not sure who it is from. Mission Viejo care package giver thank you so much and I am sorry if I dont know who you are and my brain is totally upside down. Thank you for the books I will read everyone of them and then donate them to the library at my college when I leave.

So signing off for now........ Taking Bangla lessons, learning to read and write, starting singing lessons, walking a lot, .........

M

Ugg weddings.... they rush you in and of course that means to the women's section. Everyone pushes for a seat and I mean everyone. Grannies elbowing kids, kids pushing and screaming at grannies. You bully your way to a seat and then the waiters throw your food at you. You eat as fast as humanly possible and make as big a mess as humanly possible. You laugh, you yell, you swat your kids and spit out chicken bones. It is utter chaos. The bride sits on the dias surrounded by clicking photos and and video cameras. She looks like she is in hell. I know I am in hell. I know that I never want to get married in this context. Ugg. So that is the women's side. The men's side (yes I used my foreigner status to mosy on into the male domain) is quiet, almost somber. The men talk, they laugh a little, the eat and proudly shake the grooms hand (who is also sitting on a dias though he looks like he hit the jackpot and not like its the end of his life). Yes the men's side is much more chill. A refuge from the insanity of the world that is little kids, screaming female relatives and old ladies shaking curry slathered fingers.

I am more used to it though getting these insane wedding invites. I am a status symbol as a guest.... "Did you know that so and so had the foreigner come to her wedding.... blah blah blah...." Its ok though, since most of the time I am hungry anyway. Its a free meal. Today the guys at the bank looked at me with a dissaprooving glance. "Madame" they said, "You must eat more rice you are looking too thin. We have noticed it since the last time you came here." Yeah its true I have trouble eating and cooking and shopping for food. I really do have serious food issues from childhood. But hey I am skinny now, I guess that is good. I do eat just not a lot.

Its just getting hot and I have a lot of work to do. I went to a picnic with my college two days ago. We went to another tea garden and had a boat ride and went hiking. I learned how to tap a rubber tree and how to pick tea. Manual labor thank you no! We had a loud speaker on the bus and they begged me to sing. "Please Ms. Maya sing your national anthem!!!" So roaring down the road through town I belted out the American national anthem...."OH SAY CAN YOU SEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!" Yeah I had a bit of perverse pleasure with that. Sneak attack America!

Just been teaching and loving it and adding to my class load. We are starting an English club too among other things. And of course I am working on the plans for my Thailand trip. YES!!!! So excited about that. Che will be coming back with me... am I repeating myself... yup. Anyway I am excited. I also bought myself some cane furniture complete with ants and termites. But I dont mind, the insects are not so scary anymore. I let the spiders live in my house because they eat all the other nasties.

Life is fine. Its getting really hot though. Monsoons will be coming........

M

I keep cutting myself. I don't know why, usually I am not a clutz but my hands have almost a dozen little nicks and cuts. Peeling potatoes I also peeled my nuckle, caught my other hand on a door jam and the tips of my fingers are cut too from various things. There is a little cut on the palm of my hand too. Just random little places that bleed. They hurt a lot too. My hands are so sensitive. Its the little things that hurt the most I think. I just don't know why I keep cutting myself its odd.

I am healthy otherwise and doing well all things considered. Been having a good week too even though I had a nasty fight with a rickshaw walla. Even that can't bring me down. I just feel good. My classes are going well and I have started my internet class for my girls, which is why I am here now typing this blog. I had to start with the basics. Many of them had never even used a mouse before and they do not know how to type. But I showed them how to "surf" and also set them up yahoo e-mail accounts. Its basic and progress is slow but they are so hungry for learning. I really really love my students. Its odd but I feel so connected to them. I told you too that we are starting an English club and I have also started a conversational English class for the teachers at my college. Though the only teachers that show up are the new unmarried bachelor teachers. Hmmm..... The other teachers don't have time for their English learning but that is ok I guess. I have also started taking Bangla lessons again and am learning how to read Banglali. Let me say that it is really a pain in the ass. Nope not a linguist. But this is a good experience for me to be able to understand where my students are coming from when they learn English. Am I bi-lingual? No but I can communicate in Bangla and I know the language far more than Spanish which I had like 5 years of classes in. Duhhhhhh........... Really unless you have a gift for language you must live in a country to learn the language. And I gentle readers DO NOT have a gift for language.

So today is international language day for your information. That is big news here since Bangladesh fought Pakistan for its liberation and the Bangla language. There are programs tonight but since I must be in by sunset anyway.... guess I wont have fun. God I have never felt so guilty for being a woman before in my life. Almost as if being born were a crime. It is really going to my head but I would rather be inside and safe and bored out of my mind than tempt the fates (or the men) and have a nasty experience here. Bleh.......Of course if I am with someone or a group of people its ok for me to be out but I cannot be out alone at night. I feel like I am 17 again.

Also I know it is a few months away but I am REALLY excited for my holiday in Thailand.!! I seriously need some R&R and to not be scrutinized ALL the time. You do give up various freedoms to be in Peace Corps but I think the experience is worth it. I keep saying that ... who am I trying to convince, you all or me? Sheesh.

I still don't like to cook. I need to try though because I am getting bored with the 3 things I make everyday. I get a lot of lunch invites so that is nice. I ordered some wicker furniture yay me. And I bought two celing fans because it is getting hot again. Yep thats right winter (heh heh heh) is over here and I have started to sweat at night with out the fan. Che its gonna suck when you come but hey you get to go back home so no worries.

Just doing my thang..... life is... well... interesting.

M

So after re-reading my last blog I have come to the realization that I am indeed a peacenik love loving hippy. I give all my punk rock friends permission to beat me up when I return home. Speaking of love today is Valentines day and I got more gifts today than I have from all of my boyfriends put together! Yep thats right folks I am adored.... its kind of scary actually and I can say with 100% certanty I DO NOT want to ever be famous. My students gave me two huge bouquets of flowers and a statue for my desk and cards! Yikes! It was really nice but I felt really embarrassed as one of my students jumped up and yelled "We all LOVE you so much madame!!!!" If this was America I could feel the lawsuits pending. But here it is different and to say that I have 30 or so young girls who love me is really really weird. I am not even sure what "love" means when they say it. I reserve that word for family and really special people in my life. But here it is used in the same way we use "like" I think.

So yes love abounds on this day.. .. something about a Saint and cards or something. But today we are supposed to spend time with our sweethearts... a day for love and lovers. And actually quite a taboo thing here in the Desh. Although I know that some of my students skipped my class to be with their boyfriends. ITs just like being back home. I have to admit that I am feeling a little bit like I could be out with my beloved. On a date, being courted, all that nice stuff that I used to pretend was cliche and boring. Though that stuff is on cryogenic freeze for me now. Really it is not even safe to date here or try to start a relationship with anyone. The female Peace Corps volunteers (you know who you are!!!) that date Bangladeshis are just asking for trouble. People here love to gossip and boys brag and soon you are that American "hussy" just like in the movies. And dating another volunteer while safer and easer to deal with (ya both know rules of love in America) is also trouble in my opinion. I mean we are in an extremely stressful situation here. We are learning new things all the time and expanding our experiences and growing, and I don't think this is a good place to start a relationship. Nope that is a world of pain folks. But I am in the minority and many of my comrades will not heed my words.

Oh and I found out yesterday that volunteers in Mongolia get issued ponies and bows and arrows. They also take hunting classes as part of their training. That RULES! I am so PISSED OFF! I am never going to be honest on an application again, especially where Uncle Sam is concerned! I could be riding on the Mongolian steppe right now bow and arrow in hand running down the small winter rabbit for my dinner!!!! Just like one of Ghengis Khans warriors...... But no. What do we get issued in Bangladesh? Mobile phones. Stupid dumb common mobile phones. Thought I was trying to get away from that..... sigh....

M

So I have a major new roll in a play that was written by my students (and edited by me). I play the foreign teacher who puts a stop to an underage marrage. I think I am perfectly suited for the roll actually.... All I have to say is that it is a good thing that I am not shy. The topic for the past few days has been marraige and well its on everyone's minds... even mine. It began as a journal topic I asked my students to write about... "Is love important to have before you get married or does love grow after you are married?" Here in Bangladesh 99% of the marraiges are arrainged and the bride and groom come together as virtual strangers. And although it is illegal a dowery is given to the grooms family from the brides. My students have begun to voice their opinions and concerns to me more freely now that we have developed trust and rapport. They want to talk about things that affect them as young women like marraige, and things that concern them too. Things like acid attacks, dowery killings and forced marraige. Everyday in the papers there is a news story of a woman in this village or that who was murdered for her dowary or girls who are disfigured after an acid attack by their families. Rapes are always sprinked throughout the papers, their typeface small, hidden, not wanting to be talked about.

My students are around 18 years old and marraige is looming. Today one of my students was absent because she was getting married. Will she be back to class? I asked... my students did not know. So marriaige is on the mind and we all have so many questions. I can only wonder what my students intimate questions might be. Will he like me? Will I make his parents happy? Will he be handsome and nice? The thought of marrying a stranger sends chills down my spine but it is the custom here and the norm. You don't marry for love you marry because it is your duty as a Muslim and also to take care of your families. Women are expected to give love, affection and to nurture all those around them. Husbands are to provide. So what about love I asked?? Is it important? Some of my students said almost defiantly that it is important and that they wish to feel love for their husbands. The rest of the class said no. It was not appropriate and not proper. Love would grow later... especially with children. I then thought of all the couples I knew back home who thought a child would bring them closer together. Mostly it did not. But hey this is a different cultural context right? Different rules? Different customs? Yes. But what about love?

I think that love is as essential to us as the air we breathe and the water we drink. It nurtures us and sustains us. So lets cut the cultural crap and see that we need to love and be loved. I see the wistful expressions in my students eyes when I talk about love in the class room. I know that some of them have boyfriends (gasp!) and there is plenty in Bengali poetry that speaks of love. I believe that every person wants to ultimately be healed by love. Of course this opens doors to pain and vulnerability and also the "work" of love. Yes I believe it is lots of work to be loving, especially between partners. Erich Fromme said that love was an "art" and I believe that it is an art, something to be mastered and studied and reflected upon. No one wants to marry someone who will be mean to them and end up in a bitter yucky relationship. And I hate the additude of my generation with its "oh we can always get a divorce if it dosent work out." Bleh....! I think that co-dependent and disfuctional relationships can also be tender and affectionate... but it is not the deep essense of love people! And I don't care what culture you are from with its rules and taboos and stipulations. I keep thinking of my Islamic literature class in college... a scene from a poem in which the young girl keeping in purdah is behind the latticed window. Her slender fingers lightly touching the wood as she gazes down to the youth below. Her love... him not knowing but wondering about the feminine shadow in the window.... sigh.... unrequited love the stuff of poets. See its everywhere!! Love is important so why do we find it so terrifying? Why all the illusions and rules and barriers?!

Its like the phone call I got this morning at 3am.... thought America was calling. But no it was another phone stalker... calling random numbers in hope of a female voice. I am not sure what the thrill is but I am not alone, it happens to Bangladeshi women too. Calling calling calling! Interupting my sleep so I had to put my phone on silent... and then the text messages. "I need you ... I feel you... I miss you.... I love you ... do you love me?... Please text me to say you love me.....Please!!!" My first reaction was to say "No you psycho I don't love you!! Leave me alone or I will report you! JErk!".... But then I just put my phone on silence because sometimes when you need attention and love even a negative reaction is better than no reaction. Silence. My point is (loss of sleep and psychos aside) we all need love. No matter how you wrap it up. We all need love.

M

p.s. everyone of my students I asked if they wanted to get married said no and I said me either.

Was that a crappy history lesson I gave you guys? I think it was. Geez. I really have way more to say about the people and the history of Bangladesh. But, mabey I will be better at that when I I come home after 2 years here. I am in the gritty process of learning new things all the time and don't have much of a chance to reflect. Though, I can reflect about home, living in California, why I used to hate fish and all sorts of things like that. But reflecting about being here?.... can't really do it yet cause "I'm still in the shit".... as soldiers say.

I do have a lot of questions though. Like why do all the sheep in my town have no ears? Really they don't. Sheep in other Bangladeshi towns have ears, I know because I always make a point of looking for the sheep. I keep wondering if there is some strange conspiracy going on here that involves sheep ears. Perhaps people cut them off and make sheep ear chips? Like how you can buy pig ears to feed to your dogs as tasty snacks. Or mabey its like cow tipping in the states....some sort of hillbilly rite of passage?... " Go Ahmed go!.. go you wanker and get the ears you big sissy boy!!!" I really do not know and every one I ask in my town about it gets all shifty and nervous and changes the subject. But what I want to know is WHY the Sheep have no EARS!!!???

I have other questions like why does everyone want to know what I eat for breakfast everyday? Yes everyone, from some dude on the street to the teachers at my school to my students to the guy I buy my tomatoes from. Is it really that interesting? I eat the same thing every morning. Oatmeal. I tell them every day that I eat oatmeal and they ask me what the heck is oatmeal. I tell them. They look confused. We begin this ritual anew the next day. Odd really.

Why also does everyone think I know Jennifer Lopez or think that I like John Denver? So lets just clear this up right now. 1: No I do not know Jennifer Lopez. But for your info she now goes by the name "JLo". and 2: I do not like John Denver. Thik Achhe?

Yes there are many questions that Miss Maya has and many answers that she cannot give. I do not know everything. No really I don't. I told my students that I did not know everything and they looked at me like I had torn down all of their dreams! So then I had to tell them that although I did not know everything I knew most things and then they were releved. But what I do know is that although there is a lot of stress for me here and I am dealing with a lot, its my girls that make it worth it. I have already seen changes in them in the short time I have been teaching. Like they no longer look down and cover their mouths when they speak and they are starting to speak up more and more. Its great. They want to do great things and they want to share their dreams. They have been opening up more and more to me about what their concerns are. Its hard to trust people when you are beaten down again and again. But it takes time and they want to do good. They are pretty neat girls actually.

Anyway, we have been working on English speaking competencies and I have tailored my class to address real writing situations. For example they are learning how to write a buisness memo, a fax sheet, a resume and a professional letter. Yes essays are fine and dandy but I want them to learn how to edit and write for a buisness world. It will give them an edge. They are so eager to learn and are very dedicated students. And I really love teaching them. Its what I can do now. I cant really save the world I am finding out..... to much to do... no time... yada yada... but what I can do is teach my girls. I feel good about that and its why I stay here.

Oh yes and here are two things that I have learned in my 6 months here....1: Everything is scary until you try it and then it is not so scary anymore. & 2: Its the little things that really matter.

Agami blog dekha hobe! (until the next blog see you later!)

M

p.s. I am still working on getting some furniture........

Back at site...... So after a week of being in Dhaka I am back to site. It is nice to be home... er... except my home has no furniture and everyone who comes over is like. "Gee Maya this is really not very hospitable." I know, perhaps it is a passive aggressive way for me not to have guests over. Or mabey I am really cheap. Or mabey I am trying to see what it would feel like to live in a convent. I dunno. Though I did buy a refridgerator which I had to use my American money to buy because it was an American price. ITs ok though because its really is a necessity. What you gasp?! A Peace Corps volunteer with a refridgerator?! Yes dear readers I have a fridge. And electricity. And running water (no hot though). But let me remind you that the psychological burden of this country is far greater than most, and I would gladly trade being stinky for less harrassment. Yeah. Moving on.

I am back to teaching and and just trying to get settled... though I keep thinking about Thailand... Che you are the coolest brother anyone could have and everyone here is desperate to meet you... Anyway, yes teaching and integrating more. It seems to take a long time here and since I know nothing of this culture or even that this country exsisted when I got posted here I have had to learn a lot.

So I have decided to give you a mini Bangladesh history and culture lesson. I am fufilling the 3rd goal of Peace Corps in sharing other cultures with Americans... oh and Brits too for my British friends out there.

Bangladesh: Used to be known as East Pakistan until 1971 when the Bangladeshis went to war with Pakistan for their independence. With the help of India they won their freedom in 1971 and from what I gather it was a horrendous and bloody affair. The country became known as "Bangladesh" or "Country of Bangla". "Bangla" being the language and "desh" meaning country. So when I say in Bangla "Amar desh America"... I am saying "My country is America". Anyway, I get confused with all the intra-political complexities and if you are really concerned you can google it. But there are two major political parties the BNP (the current ruling party) and the Awami League (the opposition party). The BNP's prime minister is Khaleda Begum Zia and her husband founded the party and was the general of the army and so when he died she naturally took his place. Demorcracy? Hardly. Anyway, Bangladesh for the 5th time in a row has been rated the most corrupt country in the world and it is the poorest in South East Asia. The "desh" has a lot of problems. There is also the JMB (the local terrorist Islamisist group).

Peace Corps stays out of these types of things because our safety is insured when we are integrated and protected by the communities that we live in. I am still learning about the politics here but most Bangladeshis are more interested in what I ate for breakfast or what my religion is or if I am married. No one has ever cornered me about politics except to say "Your president Bush is killing many Muslims!" to which I respond " he is killing many Americans too." They look at me funny and then smile and offer tea. Bangladeshis are an opinionated people but they are naturally curious too and so happy to have a foreigner who is here learning about them. When I speak Bangla they are impressed even more. I know many are suspicious of us. I mean why would an American come here with no salary to work for free in a developing country? I tell them I am crazy. But I know they think I am CIA. Really I am far too nice to be CIA or what ever else. All I can do is meet people, build relationships and teach my girls.

People in my town are starting to recognize me and call to me on the street and I am starting to recognize them. It was more difficult for me than my sitemates because as a woman my host family was more over protective. But thats ok its all just another cultural experience and I have to do things in my own time and in my own way. I've never done anything like this before and its really hard sometimes. But its really wonderful too. Raw, gritty, happening now life and I love it.

I will keep you posted as always... hopefully this is not too boring. I tried to make this bean curry dish and it tasted like dirt. So cooking is not going as good as I planned but that is ok I am getting lots of dinner invites. I found out my neighbor reads trashy romance novels so since they are in English and I read all my books I am reading trashy romance novels. I.... kinda.... like.... them.... heh... heh .. .. heh... moving on. Yeah so just liven in the Desh...

Tune in next week.... or when ever... I am still really clueless about the space time continum... But I am doing better and think (hope) that things will start to settle here.

Be well

M

I found cheetoes in Dhaka. There is a god. So yes Miss Maya is still in Dhaka. I go back to my site tomorrow morning and my host family here in Dhaka is driving me to the bus stand. Yay no hassles with corrupt CNG drivers! My host family here are David and Jean Sack of the ICDDR'B (http://www.icddrb.org) which is the cholera clinic here. They do a lot of work in Bangladesh but one of the big things they are responsible for is oral rehydration solution. Which I've had to drink myself and which has saved many lives of people suffering from diherral diseases. Anyway, they have an awsome apartment here in Dhaka and I have been enjoying things like cheese, chocolate, hot bubble baths, television, a microwave, and this here computer. I turned in the last of my samples and finished up the last of my tests for the Peace Corps medical unit and things are coming back negative. Miss Maya does not have horrible intestinal parasites or a nasty disease. Nope folks just major stress. Which the chocolate, bubble baths and tv have helped with emensly. So has being around a western and American community. I can relax here. No one is observing my every move. No one is questioning me or trying to scam me or what ever. I can just lay on the couch and watch tv and be ignored. Its great.

In another week I will be meeting with all of my fellow volunteers for our big in service training. I am really looking foreward to that. It will be interesting to see what everyone is doing and how people's Bangla skills have improved. And yes Zeke giving you a hug. I did not know you had "ninja" packing skills by the way. Anyhow, I just want to get back to work. I am getting my new apartment fixed up and need to bring my students back up to speed in my class. The only thing I feel bad about is missing a week of my own classes!! Bad Teacher Maya!! Ah well it happens. I just have to modle to my students professional and mature behavior and have high expectations.... well that is what the books say....

But it has been good to be in Dhaka and relax a bit. I think I tend not to give myself permission to relax and that is not a good thing. I have done a lot here too. A few days ago I went to the Indian High Commission (the Indian Embassy) for a party that my host fam was invited to. I got to meet the Indian Ambassador and meet all these grand high muckty mucks and eat chicken tikka massalla. Mmmmmmm! Indian curry is so much better than Bangladeshi curry (er mabey I shouldn't publish that to the world...). I met artists and the head Buddhist Monk of a temple here in Dhaka and Bangladeshi politicians and doctors and buisnessmen. And everyone I met was like... "Your in Peace Corps?! Wow that is amazing!" It was like there was this awe in what we do and a curiosity for us. See we are out in the boonies in all the districts of this country living with the people of this country, and there is a serious disconnect between classes here. There is a caste system and we are an anomily working out in the field as we do. People are very curious about us from the poor and exploited we work with to the super rich who do the exploiting. Why are these mostly white American middle class kids here? I don't think I can answer this question at the moment but I will keep thinking about it.

So yeah I've done a lot and I also changed over some of my American cash to buy a refridgerator. Yep its a necessity. I got some pictures developed and did a little bit of shopping. I am really into Bangladeshi folk art and the pop art here its great. A lot of the rickshaws have the pop art on the back of them and later I will come back to Dhaka and buy some of it. The folk art is great too and there is a chain of stores called Arrong which buys folk art from local villages and artists and then sells it to rich Bangladeshis and tourists. This creates a specialist niche market for these artists and a way for the poor to earn money. Its really cool. Grandma H you would love the folk art here it is right up your alley! I've been really careful here in Dhaka though because I am still not sure what I can get at my site and things are expensive here. But you can get most of what you want and need here. Mostly.... I know some of you are sending me packages and that is great too. Yay for presents!

Anyway, I am doing better today after my week of R&R here in Dhaka and I am looking foreward to getting to work again. I love teaching.

M

Alrighty.... this is to address peoples' questions about what to pack me in a box. I have gotten several e-mails and comments about what I would like or want. Remember to keep the packages small because big ones take longer in customs here in Dhaka. A few smaller ones especially in padded envelopes make it to me faster than one big one. Also remember to put in bribes for the post people (cigarettes, candy, ect.). Speaking of the Post Office it is better to send me stuff through them because customs charges to me are about 20 taka. Fed Ex and UPS customs charges are like 400taka. Uggh. So even though the post office is slower and more corrupt its better for Peace Corps volunteers.

So my favorite things.......

Snacks!

Cheetos

Fritos

Luna bars

Odwalla bars

pistacheo nuts

cream savers

velveeta (i know i know but you can't get cheese here and velveeta dosen't need refridgeration until opening)

MUSIC!

I love music and will listen to what ever you send. You can always burn CD's too.

Books! (generas anyway)

Science fiction and Fantasy

Classics/Literature (I can donate these books to the English department at my college after I leave)

Biographies

Fiction

*** really I will read just about anything at this point. Go to the discount tables of Borders & Barnes and Noble and just think of me and look at books that remind you of me. All the classical stuff and literature is usually pretty cheap to buy.***

Games!

I have no games in my house so a few packs of cards would be nice....

travel sized games are great to fit in small packages

Think of stuff that could be used as teaching tools too....

Office Supplies!

Office supplies here are of a "dubious" quality. I can always use spiral notebooks especially if they have a hard cover.

Red pens for grading papers

nice pens in general

pencils

stickers to put on kids homework

35 mm 400 speed film!!!!!! ALWAYS SEND THIS!!! Can never have too many pics of the desh!

Hobbies!

I found an embroidery shop at site and I will be doing some embroydery. However, the thread here is not so nice. So embroydery threat in lots and lots of colors would be nice.

Embroydery needles

Art supplies: colored pencils, markers, watercolor paints, watercolor brushes, nice paper, sketchbooks, pen and ink, glitter, confettii, puffy paint, anything!!!

Luxury Items!

These are things that are just there for asthetic. Things you don't need but make a home more beautiful. I have to make my home into my sanctuary here in this place. So yes I could make a small flower vase out of a tomato paste can but a real tiny little vase would be much more beautiful. Anything to make my home more comfortable... posters for my walls, picture frames (small for snapshots), just look around in Target and imagine if all of that did not exsist. What would you miss the most? What silly little thing?

Remember you take so much for granted in the West. Things like highlighter pens, pot holders, and shower curtains. Things to remind me of home are nice too. Like postcards which I can also use in my classes to show my students life outside of M'bazar. Or a windchime so I can hear the wind from time to time. Or perhaps some magazines which I can read, then cut up and make a collage or use in the classroom. I have become really good at finding all sorts of uses for things that were not intended for them. All that is around you in the West may or may not be found here. If it is than it is really expensive. People make do, they re-use and recycle EVERYTHING and so do I. I also think that it is the little things in life that create those beautiful little spaces we need.

Hope this helps... really anything from home is a nice supprise at the end of the day.

M

So Medical called me into Dhaka for various reasons. They are quite concerned that I have lost 22 pounds in two months. I am sure there are various reasons for this but naturaly being the sadists that they are I have to do various "tests" (let your imagination wander) and then get flu shots. Ugh. I am quite happy to have lost 22 pounds and if it is a tapeworm will gladly introduce this diet method to the project cases I worked with in the entertainment industry. So Dhaka... yeah... well getting here is always interesting. I got a bit of a late start and my counterpart Malik who is ever worried for me lectured the bus conductor about getting me a cab once we arrived in Dhaka. I can tell you to that the bus stops in Dhaka are some of the most dangerous places in the city. I of course arrived at dusk. The bus conductor being a good Bangladeshi and taking his job of finding a cab for me quite seriously went in search. This of course left me on the street alone. I timed it too... 14 seconds before the crowd formed. Some teenage boy was trying to get me to let him "carry" my back pack. "Ami shahijjo dorkar nai..lagbe na... jao." (I don't need help, no need. Go away) Yay for Bangla skills. Of course my bus conductor could not find me a taxi and there were only CNG's (they are these green three wheeled micro car thingies). But none of them wanted to take me all the way across Dhaka to the diplomatic area so my conductor ran and found a cop. That cop found another cop who found a tea guy and then I had all these guys looking for a ride for me. Woo hoo. So I found a CNG and then of course his meter was broken (funny how every CNG I have ever ridden in has a broken meter....must be the will of Allah.) So I had to barter a price which was way too much .... but it was getting dark.

Driving along is ok except when you are stuck in traffic and the beggars come and bother you. But off we went and then his tire popped. "Ai Allah! Banani Kothay? Beshi shamoy achhe?" (Oh God! Where's Banani? Do we have a lot of time?) No thankfully we were almost to Banani but we came in a different way so he stopped on road that my hotel was on but I did not recognize where we were. However, a rickshaw wallah came by and I asked him and this was his turf so he knew. It was of course pitch black and I have to say I was a bit nervous.

I met up with some other B8's (that is Bangladesh year 8 volunteers like me. I am a B8) and we went to the American club and had food and wine and were going to play pool but the B7's were hogging the table. I also met some other guys there and thought they were marines from the embassy because they were definately military. They were like all shifty eyed when I asked them and were like "were... cough ... cough... special forces... cough cough.... " "Did I hear you correctly did you say Special Forces?" "Shhhhhhh!!!" ER yeah... so it was interesting to talk to them. They were all quite insane. I mean who in their right mind would come to a junglous 3rd world country.... er moving on... Then I made it to my hotel and then I watched tv until 2am. Hey it was Oprah and some strange British serial. Anyway it was a nice evening.

Today I was at Peace Corps all day doing office stuff and surfing the web (a luxury one such as myself took for granted back in the States). After I was finished at the office I went to my new host family in Dhaka (the American family who adopted me) which is where I am now as I type this to you all. I just finished having a hot luxurious bubble bath and I shaved my legs, which I had not done in 5 months. And I never knew this before but I really am not that hairy. Must be the native american blood. So gonna go eat now.... yay baked salmon... potatoes... salad.... mmmmmmm........

M

Now that I have my own space and my own home I am finding that I am really.... really... bored. Yep 4 concrete walls and no furniture. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....!!!!!!! I have read all of my books and then some and can only try to memorize so much Bangla. So I have had to come up with various strategies to keep sane. These include but are not limited to: Banging my head on the wall, talking to myself, counting mosquitios, and inventing things. One thing I invented was belly dance jump rope. Its really dumb. Another thing I invented was sticky oat cakes. They are tasty with peanut butter and jelly.

So I have been slowly furnishing my home as well. I had a local carpenter build me a big ass desk, a kitchen table and a clothing rack. I am finally out of my suitcase 100%. I have the bed already too which is nice. Also I was adopted by an ex-pat family in Dhaka the head scientist for the ICCDR'B (which is program here to fight cholera) and his wife. They sent me a huge box of house hold stuff: mugs, towles, plastic spatulas, spices, teas, various kitchen gadgets, English books , a calender and other things you take for granted in the US that make your life simple and easy. I could definately not of afforded the stuff on my volunteer living allowance of 100 dollars a month. Yikes!

The Americans in Dhaka take pity on us volunteers and buy us things like real food and alcohol and books. So thats nice. There are also a lot of British and Japanese ex-pat families that take us under their wings too. They are fascinated by us infact since we live beyond the diplomatic enclave in Dhaka with its private security force and bomb walls. Mabey we are just crazy loco. But we have great stories from the field.

So yes settling in.... probably will be settling in for a long time. I have been getting more and more into teaching and my class is progressing nicely. My students are so dedicated and I feel refreshed and alive and envigorated after I finish each class. I truly do love to teach and am finding that I am good at it too. Two days ago I just sat idle in class while the students worked cooperatively in groups. It was awesome! The model is that students should do the work in class not the teacher. The teacher does most of the work outside of class. This is experiential learning. Hands on. Practical application and communicative approach. And for a pretty green teacher such as myself it seems to be working out rather well. It will be a shock to come home to American kids who don't give a crap. ITs all perspective though isn't it.

Oh yeah I have also developed a taste for fish. Its really good here and the meat... well frankly the meat terrifies me so I eat fish and eggs. I am going to experament with some chickpeas tonight .... there is a Bangla dish called "kitchuri" which is like a bunch of veggies and chickpeas and boiled eggs and onion and spices mixed together and it is oh so yummy.

On the topic of cooking well it is a pain in the ass. EVERYTHING has to be made from scratch including grinding of the very spices you need. Speaking of griniding my local house hold shop keeper said he was gonna get me a mortar and pestle but if I go to get it he will make me drink tea with his whole family and I am SO not in the mood for that today. Tomorrow perhaps.... Yeah so cooking.. it takes forever. Its really dumb and it annoys me, bit if I don't do it I will die. So I have no choice. And I don't know what half of the food and spices are in the market. Some of the stuff is local only to South East Asia and rarely available in the West. But I have discovered that by adding onions and garlic you can make most things tasty. I know I have to smell so terrible but I really dont care.

I also found a shop that sells embroydery supplies and I have decided to work on embroydery projects and make a quilt. Yep. Domestic I know but its either that or the other aforementioned distraction devices and my head hurts! I also want to see what kind of art supplies one can get here because I am interested in holding some art classes.

Also many of you know but many do not. I am planning my first holiday sometime in the Spring to Thailand. There I shall do really bad things like lay in public on the beach in a bikini and drink alcoholic beverages. Bwaahahahahaha! Also because of stress I have lost 21 pounds. Mabey its worms but I think not I just have hardly any appetite and I walk between 1 and 3 miles a day. Thats in addition to running around in circles in my apartment for an hour while making barking noises.

I am still accepting donations to ease my mental boredom. If you would like to send me a package please always send some of the following:

books

400 speed 35 mm film

nice pens in various colors (preferably pilot brand)

spiral note books

music

granola bars

magazines

teaching supplies... crayons, markers, pictures... whatever.....

Hope you are well I am alright... just plodding along and taking things as they come.

M

A few days ago Bangladesh celebrated the Muslim holiday of Eid ul Azha otherwise known as "Bloody Eid". My day started at 8:30 as I walked the back roads to my host families house. Its been foggy here and the jungle looks like some kind of mystical place full of danger and possibilities. I passed by men walking home to their breakfasts after the morning prayer and everyone seemed more somber than usual.

Soon I was at my host families house and given tea and pita (yummy steamed rice cakes full of coconut and sugar). I was made to finish quickly though as Nazia and Samia jumped around me in excitement for the festivities to begin. So I slammed my tea and headed down to the family field. Two goats were already being butchered but the real prize were the two cows that stood tied to a post.

The whole family and extended family were there and Nazia and Samia jumped around me excitedly "Soon Auntie soon!!!". And soon enough the Imam came into the field large knife in hand and already speckled with blood from earlier sacrifices. They took the bull first and pushed it down and tied its legs. "Allah Ouakbar!!!" (God is great) cried the Imam as sawed through the bulls' throat. The bull thrashed and oddly enough for such a gratuitous gaping wound there was little blood. Death, however; I learned that day does not come quickly. It took the bull about 10 minutes to die (yes I timed it) as it tried to breathe through the new red hole in its throat. Its eyes rolled back into its head from lack of oxygen and its body thrashed againsted the bonds around its legs. It made horrible rasping and choaking noises and then was silent.

The Imam then grabbed the cow but the sight of death and the coppery smell of hot blood her into a panic. Instinct. Flee. Get Away. Too late.... her legs were tied and she could no longer move. "Maya," my host father yelled, "Get photos get photos!!!!" I'll try but I think I am going to throw up and then faint. I did not wait to see her die. I had seen enough.

I headed back to the house my knees weak and my head swimming in gore. Why couldn't they just get steaks in styrofoam and plastic wrap?

Soon enough pieces of cow started to arrive and the women of the house got to work cutting the meat up. It was brought in bloody baskets and it was steaming and twitching. Yeah... veggies anyone? I tried to help cut the meat but its harder than it looks and it stank. My host sisters laughed and teased me... yep yet another useful thing the American can't do... like butcher a cow. The meat was then divided into various piles and tea was served. I noticed that I was the only person who washed my hands before I enjoyed my tea and snacks. Suddenly I heard a lot of noise coming from outside the front gate. So I went to see what the ruckus was all about. There stood my host brothers Bulbul and Shumun holding baskets of meat and surrounded by dozens of frantic children. According to Muslim custom the meat must be divided up into 3 parts. One for neighbors, one for family, and one for the poor. My brothers were now distributing to the poor. These were the children of beggars and rickshaw wallas and the like and it was like a shark feeding frenzy as they screamed and pushed eachother to get the best pieces of meat. I watched in facination as the children recieved one chunk of meat each that they put into bags. Then they left and walked to the next house to recieve another chunk of meat. Up and down the children went with their bags of bloody meat. It reminded me of Halloween in the West where kids go from house to house getting candy. Trick or Treat! Well actually, Trick or Meat!

Actually it was really disturbing and I had to practice various breathing techniques as I sat down to a lunch of goat meat, cow meat, chicken meat and fish meat. Later that day I played badmitton and ate more meat.

Two days later John, Leif and I went to a Hindu village with our friend Bimol. He invited us to his home to celebrate a festival to Krishna. Basically, they call down the god and bless offerings and say prayers. It starts off as the men of the village play drums and various other insturments to "wake" the god up and call to him. One man told me "if I call your name do you not respond? Well it is the same for the Gods." Made sense to me. So off we went in this procession of people singing and dancing and circling the village and each family compound. The women had drawn these elaborate mandalas on the ground out of rice paint. They were stunningly beautiful and we danced on the mandalas and walked in clockwise circles.

There were alters set up at various homes with incense burning and offerings of sweets and fruit. The Bhramin blessed the offerings and then threw the sweets and fruit into the crowd. Young men and children scrambled for the treats and seemed like they were having lots of fun. We became the guests of honor and were allowed to throw the fruit and treats and even the little old toothless grannies got into the action. Hey its not everyday that 3 white people show up in your village and throw oranges at you. We also got to play the drums and sing and everyone was laughing and having a great time. Later we went from house to house and were offered snacks and tea. After about 10 cups of tea and 10 plates of snacks we had lunch. It was a feat of willpower and a miracle that our tummies did not burst. We were invited back and basically made to be welcome into the village at any time. Also Bimol's cow just had a baby and the little cowlet was quite possibly the cutest creature on the face of the planet. It ran away from me as I went to pet it.... Yeah ... so Hindus are cool.

My question for you gentle readers is.... where would you rather party?

So just settling in more and more. I pick up my furniture this week and start teaching again. I haven't worked for over a week. Blehhhh.... Want to be teaching!

Peace

M

Its been a LONG 5 months but as of two days ago I have been sleeping in my own apartment. It is so wonderful. I wear normal jammies to bed and can do what ever I want and listen to what ever music I want and no one randomly comes into my room and stares at me. Its Great! I had the total Peace Corps experience moving in too. The big stuff got driven over to my new place by John's host families driver (I told you they were rich) but I had to carry the smaller stuff myself. Picture this: Strange white woman in local dress with huge back pack and carrying large box of stuff walks over a mile across rice paddy dikes to new home. Why won't she take a rickshaw all the locals wonder? Well she is a foreigner after all and they have strange behaviors. Heh heh heh... Leif and John helped too and now I am fully moved in. I actually was sick while I was in the process of moving too. Its the first time I've been real sick here and I think that it is due to all the stress. But I am fine today and have spent two wonderous nights in my new home.

My new apartment has two bedrooms and two bathrooms a drawing room, large dining living area, kitchen and servents quarters and a large veranda. It rules. I have never lived anywhere with servants quarters. I am on the third floor and that means less cockroaches and mosquitos and less peeping toms (which is the entire country). I only have one piece of furniture which is a bed I had a local carpenter make me. Unfortunately seeing as how I am a cheap ass Taurus I told him not to varnish it. Well the wood was wet and now the top looks like Brie Cheese. It molded my matresses too so they are on the roof of my apartment drying out as I write this. Tomorrow I am going to get some paint and seal my bed. Anyway, I am in the process of setting up house which will take a while since Peace Corps is so pinche. I am also having the carpenter make me a desk a kitchen table and a clothing rack. It strange because ready made factory furniture is more expensive here than hand made stuff by a local carpenter.

My new home is only a 6 minute walk to my college and a 4 minute walk to a small local market. Yay. Last night Leif and John came over and we all made dinner. Well we tried. We made fried potatoes with onion, garlic and cilantro and those turned out pretty tasty. The eggplant concoction did not. It looked and tasted like pond sludge but we ate it anyway because that was all the food we had. We also listened to Tu Pac and wished we had beer. It was a great night though just to be eating with Americans in privacy and to relax without dealing with people.

I've been under a microscope for 5 months. Every aspect of my life has been scrutinized, commented on and judged. It has been completely exhausting. I know this is not America and I cannot live the way I did back home. If that was a problem for me I would have stayed home where I could be comfortable. But not having any privacy has been one of the toughest things I 've ever had to deal with. Now I have my own space. Its an American apartment and I make the rules.

Also I have started my spoken English class. I LOVE it. The girls are really excited and dedicated and I hope we will really get some great work done. I won't bore you with the mechanics of teaching a foreign language but I am really interested in how people aquire language and I am in a unique situation as I myself am aquiring a foreign language. In Bangladesh the students arrive to the class before the teacher and when the teacher enters the room they all stand and wait to be told to be seated. This annoys me. So I told my students that in America the teacher is in the class before the students and has the classroom ready for instruction as soon as the students arrive. So the next day the students waited for me to get there and let me go in first. They said "From now on Madame we will start class American Style!" heh heh heh.... Yes my little minions viva la revolution.......

Life is good I guess, things are quiet in the country. Just moving along here.... I am gonna need to get another hobby or something cause man I have so much time on my hands.

Oh to add to my funny list, my town has a midget traffic cop. It is the most bizarre sight I have ever seen. He has a whistle and a stick and is the meanest SOB you ever met. Guess he has to be seeing he is like 3 feet tall. He runs real fast too and yells at people and has buggy eyes. Its almost William Gibson strange.....

M

There are many things to complain about in the "Desh". Part of it is that this is a really tough and gritty country to serve in. Part of it is that I find great release venting in prose. I am certainly not the same person I was 5 months ago. I put up with a lot less crap from people. My philosophy in the States was that everyone diserved a chance. Everyone deserved the benefit of the doubt. Its the opposite here. I assume you are a jerk unless you prove otherwise. You are guilty until proven innocent. I realize gentle readers that this new philosophy is quite anti-American, however; as the only white girl in my town its all about survival. That being said I don't want to be too negative. Yes I could complain all day about how things are just not right! But though my personal philosophy has changes my sense of opptimisim and humor have not. And sometimes when you are ready to kill someone because you have had one too many cat calls, one too many dumb ass questions and one too many random acts of stupidity you just have to laugh. And believe me when I say that I laugh REALLY loudly. Here are a few things that really make me laugh:

1. The kid who's bike has that extra "flair". Its hot pink with a glittery finish and has glittery disco tassles on the handle bars. The bike seat (which is gold) has a logo that says something like " SUPER GOLD STAR FIGHTER POWER". The kid also managed to glue CD's to the front to give it that extra flash! And just to make sure EVERYONE knows he is coming he has a little battery operated music box that plays this really annoying mechanical techno ditty, over and over and over...... I laugh every time I see him. He always rides by me really slow so I can take in his hot pink super gold star fighter power magnificence. I am sure that if he rode that bike in America even the nerdiest kids would band together to beat him up for such an afront to manhood.

2. Fashion: Um where do I even begin. Well lets start with the young male gender of this country. I am going to pick on them because they pick on me. First of all every one is stuck in the 80's and not the cool 80's no we are talking "new wave" fashion nightmare 80's. And believe me when I tell you that the young men LOVE to strut their stuff. For who they are strutting is anyone's guess as the women are all under lock and key and the male, female ratio on the streets is like 8 to 1. Super tight jeans stone washed with patches are a favorite, as are glittery disco shirts (slightly unbuttoned to accentuate the manly chest hair of course). Purple cargo pants, shirts with ruffles and sweaters with random useless zippers also add to the fashon disaster. If you are new to the desh such outlandish outfits and the blatent hand holding and arm linking would leave a Westerner to believe that the "Desh's" big secret is that all men are gay. But no my narrow minded friends but your homophobia aside because that is even more taboo here than back home. Nope its just fashion gone horribly wrong.

3. Traffic accidents caused by me:

Yes I can say that I have caused various traffic accedents by my mere presence. Rickshaws running into eachother as they stare at me is nothing new and I am finding that it is starting to lose its humour. Though, the other day a mom and her kid were walking and when they saw me they turned to stare but kept walking. Since they were watching me and not where they were going they smacked right into the back side of a rather large cow. Suffice to say the cow had just finished going to the toilet and well they found it a bit slippery. (heh heh heh... I love moments like those). I have also had cars wreck because they were checking me out in their rear view mirror.

4. My host niece Nazia's sketchbook.

Nazia is by far my favorite person in Bangladesh. She is a total rebel and always getting in trouble. I of course am always rewarding her for her insolence and she makes me laugh all the time. Nazia likes to draw and sometimes we draw together. One day I asked to see her sketch book and upon flipping through its pages I noticed that there were drawing after drawing of goats with little goat pellets coming out of their rear ends. Our conversation went something like this:

"Uhh Nazia?"

"Yes Maya Auntie?"

"Why do you have all these drawings of goats going to the toilet?"

"Because that is what they DO all the time Auntie! Don't you know anything?!"

"Aparently not."

"Nazia you still did not answer the question. Why do you have goats going to the toilet?"

"Auntie do not ask these questions to me"

"Umm ok........"

She also likes to draw princesses and they thanks be to Allah are not using the toilet.

So what else is new in the Desh? Well for one I am starting my spoken English class today and I am really excited to get to work and dive into teaching. I am also in the process of moving into my apartment and getting everything that I need. I payed the rent and now am just buying what I need and furnishing it which is not easy AT ALL. There is no one stop shop like Wal-Mart and there is no such thing as a "fixed price". Its gonna take some time but its fine. Lief and John also are in their own places too and they are LOVING it. Space.... must... have.... privacy..... blehhhh.... I will write more later.

M

So I am back at the Sylhet internet cafe and our day long meeting has been concluded. "Shesh" by the way is Bangla for "finished". We met with our program manager and the country director who consequently because of your phone calls was denied going home for the holidays under these tense times. Basically we are working more intently with one another to create a bridge between the office and the volunteers because there is down right bad blood between the B7's and the office and now some of the B8's feel angsty too. I think that there have been misunderstandings on both parts and it is good that we are working together to build trust. We have revised our emergency action plan with direct volunteer input and we all feel pretty good about that. And the country has been quiet for the past few weeks. Just Bangladesh as usual. That is not to say that crap cannot happen but we are prepairing more and more for it if it does. And this country is so unpradictable that out of the blue major incidents can happen and then during tense political situations nothing happens.

Those of us who feel that we need to leave are leaving and many are staying. If something happens at my site who knows how I will react to the situation. You never really know until you are faced with these types of experiences. I have to say though that I feel committed to staying and although this is a damn tough country to work in there are starting to be pay offs. People in my town are getting used to me. My students call me by name on the street. I am more and more comfortable to be in my site and do things around this country. And I feel really committed to Peace Corps and what I am doing. Soon I will move into my new apartment and I am hella excited about that. I am also meeting a large international community and ex-pat community and there are a lot of opportunities abroad, sometimes even more than at home. And after my experience here I will be able to teach English anywhere. Which let me say that Japan always wants native English speaking teacher and they pay a CRAP LOAD of money. So I have many thoughts bouncing in my head. They will probably change and I may go through "I want to be home right now" feelings too, but its just the nature of this kind of work. I really do like being overseas though and the work that I am doing rocks.

So as far as it goes it looks like we are staying here in the the country. We have a very detailed list of contingencies and what to dos if things go nutty again. I am feeling better about the situation and I know I will be better able to deal with this country emotionally once I have my own apartment I can retreat to.

For now we are staying. My site is quiet and the volunteers have calmed down. Our voices have been heard and actions have been taken. Amar balo lage abong ami amar nouton site balo bashe. Which is Bangla for "I am feeling good and I really love my new site".

So my readers I hope you have had a wonderful holiday. I know I did and the New Year will see me in my new home. Oh yes I have been staying in a nice hotel here in Sylhet. I have had yummy food, a hot bath and cable tv. I watched "Aliens" with some of my comrades and oh yeah the little ants got to my underwear even here in this fancy hotel. I asked the other women volunteers here if they had experienced the pervert panty ants. But alas no they had not. I wonder what it means........

So business as usual...... I will write again when I get back to M'bazar. Just wanted to give you an update about the security situation. Looks like we are staying folks and I am glad of it. I hate leaving my work unfinished.

M

My gentle readers, I am back in Sylhet after two days of Christmas meyham in the tea gardens of Srimongol. I can not even convey how much of a needed break it was to get away from my new host family and be with Americans. I met the Sylheti crew as they headed south towards Srimongol and I jumped on their bus. After getting to Srimongol we ate at a very scary restaurant in which the food was all cold. My tummy was queesy all weekend but again I am suprised that I am not sick. Really my body is handling the food really well except for rice which I fricken hate now. After our dinner we grabbed our packs and headed for the tea gardens. Nothing like 4 Peace Corps volunteers with all their crap on their backs riding on rickshaws in total darkness out in the middle of nowhere. Actually if I were in Mongolia right now I would be in the middle of nowhere and certainly not surrounded by trillions of Bangladeshis....

Anyway, we arrived to the tea resort and met up with the other volunteers who were already there. We had rented two cabins and as we arrived to settle into the other cabin the drinking games had already begun. It was at that point that I realized I was the only B8. You see the B7's and the B8's got off to a bad start and there is lets see what do the Bangladeshis say...? Heavy tension. But it was cool they were nice and shared their really bad gin and peanut butter with me and life was good. Someone had also gone into the forest and brought back a branch of some or other plant that served as our Christmas tree and someone else had a bit of red ribbon and a key chain that served as the ornaments. And of course the crowning glory was a star someone tore and fashioned out of card board. We had a wonderful time that night and we sang Christmas carols and played Taboo and someone found a roll of toilet paper in the bathroom that the staff had brought up for us. Of course since none of us use toilet paper anymore we just used the roll to toilet paper the room, add more decoration to our tree and otherwise make a mess. Later I got grilled by my comrades about the "inner" secrets of the B8 group. Why does everyone hate this person? Who else is leaving? Is it true that so and so are sleeping together? Blah blah blah.... and since we have cell phones I was made to call and harrass other B7's cause no one knows my voice. But I think I warmed my way into their hearts and I certainly have a store house of gossip to bring back to the B8's. Heh .... heh.... heh......

Christmas morning found most of us feeling like crap (I wonder why?) and the fact that Stephanie woke us up at 6AM did not help. So we went to the tree to open our secret santa gifts. The Japanese volunteer did not show up and so the B7's divided my gift up among themselves. But they were sweet enough to bring me some gifts. My secret santa got me this really ugly statue of a half naked woman with a vase. Here in Bangladesh statues such as these are refered to as "show pieces". Um yeah. They said it reminded them of a belly dancer. Ok mabey a belly dancer at a freak circus but hey it s cool. They also got me a tea pot and a blanket for my new apartment. Yay.

Later in the day we went swimming in the pool at the resort, and when I say resort just think of the crappiest hotel in the US. But for hear that is pretty swanky. So we went swimming and since I did not have a swiming suit I swam in my shalwar kameez. Then I layed in the sun and ate oranges and no one stared at me. Bliss. Later we went into Srimongol for lunch and snacks and got back to the resort around 2pm. That is when we went on our monkey hunt. So there we were tramping through the jungle looking for monkeys. We heard something but found no monkeys I am sad to say. Next time... We also upgraded one of our cabins to a "delux" and I got to sleep on a real mattress (which they did not bother to change the sheets from the last quests cause I found a hair ball in my bed but thats better than a cockroach) and I had a HOT shower!!! Praise the Baby Jesus. After I got cleaned up we sat down to watch "Its a Wonderful Life" on Nicks DVD player and Hannah gave him a hair cut. Of course cocktail hour and h'deovres had been served (bad gin, peanut butter and pringles) and Nick came back with a bowl cut. (he is at the moment I write this at a barber here in Sylhet getting it fixed). We laughed so hard. I mean he looked like a medieval squire or something. We just hung out before dinner and talked and the conversation went something like this.... "God the B8's are SO annoying! What a bunch of wooses. Except you Maya. Leaving in droves dropping like flies, the brown nosing butt kissing jerks! Except you Maya. Goodie Goodies they are the lot of them! Except you Maya. We hate them! Except you Maya. ..... ummm thanks......

So then we went for our Christmas dinner. We requested Western food and are you ready...? We had roast chicken, roast potatoes, cauliflower with REAL cheese on it, cucumber and tomato salad, dinner rolls and gravy!!! HEAVEN! We gorged.

Then we went back to the cabin for some more meyham which I will not go into detail now because this entry is long enough and both my grandmothers read this blog. I went to sleep and then traveled back to Sylhet, which is where I am now in a new internet cafe. Tomorrow we have our new security meeting and we are going to touch base with a lot of the issues that we are facing in Bangladesh. B8's think we are leaving. B7's think we are staying. Who really can say.

So I hope you all had a lovely holiday and enjoyed yourselves. I will write again soon. All I can say is that mass amounts of stress have been relieved and I feel a lot better. Also I will be moving into my new place soon and am looking foreward to that.

Be well.

M

p.s. the Tea Gardens are stunningly beautiful.... Che we are going to them when you come.....

p.s.s. the hotel here in Sylhet has a bathtub ... score for me... ohh and cable with English movies... double score....

Personal space. It really does not exsist in Bangladesh how it does in America. And I am going insane. I try not to snap but it just happens sometimes. I can't help it. I am wound up so tight it is not even funny. The neat thing is that Bangladeshi's don't hold grudges. So you can have a tantrum and yell and in 2 hours its all OK. The same, however; cannot be said of me. I do infact hold grudges and depending on the "offense" may hold the grudge for a long time indeed. Perhaps it is a New Mexican thing. For example when my brother was about 7 or 8 years old we were staying out at our uncle and aunts house in Glorietta. Well in the middle of the night my brother wanted to go to our dads house and he woke my uncle up and told him to get ready and take him home. My uncle, not being happy about being woken up at 1 am and not having children of his own responded with, " Daminit Che go back to bed, we'll go in the morning!" After this experience my brother coldly refused to stay over at my uncles house for months. HE was terribly offended at being called a "damnit" and never really forgave my uncle.

My latest grudge or rather sheer contempt is directed at ants. Yes gentle readers, ants. Being the tropics and never really getting cold or dry there are billions of insects and they pretty much all hate me. There are two species of ants that have my attention. They are the black ants and the loathesome tiny red fire ants. The black ants are annoying but they dont really bite. Its strange too because they have a "turbo" mode and can run really fricken fast. They like to hang out on my desk under all of my papers and then when I move something they scatter at warp speed 8. They don't really do anything but congregate under my books and papers and I have no idea what they are doing under there. Well it is about 65 degrees here so mabey they are cold. Now the red fire ants are my nemisis. I really do HATE them. The reason is that they have inflicted considerable monitary damage to the US taxpayers. Basically they destroy everything in their wake and they eat everything too. They got into my medical kit and ate all my cough drops. Any food is fair game and must be put in ant proof containers. They also ate my multi-vitamins and have chewed holes through one of my note books. AND they have eaten the crotch out of more than one pair of my panties!!! So in addition to being annoying they are perverts too. Gaaaaahhhhh!!! I make it a point to kill them on site. Fire at will. Destroy!!!! Of course it is really a war of attrition and they are winning. ..... sigh......

So moving along... today is X-mas eve and this after noon I am going to spend three nights in a tea garden. I will be with a group of B7's and it will be cool to meet new people and be with ONLY Americans. Well actually the Japanese volunteers (Jaica) and the British volunteers (VSO) will be there too but its all cool!! Its funny because many Bangladeshis that dont know me think that I am either Japanese or British. I can understand them misteaking me for Japanese but British?? Come on....... I got nice teeth.. really.

Then we have another security meeting on the 27th. I guess to review what is what in country. I have mixed feelings. Mostly that I don't know if we are going to finish out our two years here and that makes it really hard to get any work done or feel committed to anything. Here is what the US State Department has to say about Bangladesh. This is the latest report:

http://travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/pa/pa_2765.html

Its pretty scary actually and I think we will be touching base on many of these issues in our security meeting. Ok every one visualise Jamaica......... yeah........

On a better note I will be moving into my apartment in the first week of JAnuary. I am SO excited to have personal space again. And to be able to wear Western clothes. Sweet! I know that things will be better for me when I can control my mini home life environment and stop eatting rice. Really I think I am developing a rice allergy cause I am having similar symptoms that I had when I developed my wheat allergy. Meat please and plenty of it. Fine I will kill it myself. Whatever.

I Hope you all have a wonderful holiday and I will update you as soon as I can. I miss you all terribly and its hard during the holidays. However, I am planning on taking all of my 48 days of vacation. Whats on the itineray Miss Maya...? Well for starters an island off the coast of Thailand, then some serious clubbing in Singapore, major hiking in New Zealand and finishing up with Greece. Of course not all at one time I plan on breaking up my 2 years with these little rondevous......Oh yes Erin and I will be spending 3 to 4 weeks in the UK and Ireland but thats after I get home.

M

p.s. Here is my site mate Leif's website and blog. You can read what Leif has to say under the "me" section on his site.

http://lwaller.atspace.com/

You can also read my friend Zeke's blog. His site is just south of Dhaka.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/ze6ke/

"We have not even to risk the adventure alone; for the heros of all time have gone before us; the labryinth is thoroughly known; we have only to follow the thread of the hero path. And where we thought to find an abomination, we shall find a God; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existance; where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world." J.C.

Can you find beauty in utter depravity?

Do you have the strength to look inward?

Be lover to Demons and Shadows?

Work through the pain and uncertanty?

Follow a spiral path?

Ask the question?

What is freedom really?

What is your tollerance limit?

Can you push past that limit?

What are your boundaries?

Have you thought about what you truly want?

.......................

Is this the quiet before the storm?

.......................

It is quiet here... for now. There is a torrent beneath the surface. 11 more of us are leaving. Funny thing is that I have learned how to dance here. Even here they cannot stop me from dancing. I am renting an apartment in 3 weeks or so. It is really nice. Big and spacious with latticed Moroccan style window shutters. I will make it my refuge. My sanctuary. Life must be filled with beauty even in places like this. If beauty is forgotten then we are just mindless automatons. Asthetic. Golden Age. Its a balance really; on a knifes edge. My students are begining to ask questions. They are getting braver. Today is Solstice. Dead time of the year.... Gods are sleeping. Time for reflection and introspection. I thought to do this utterly alone in Mongolia. I must learn to be alone with all the people in the world looking at me. Christmas is aproaching too and I have plans for that. BoroDin it is called here. I will be in the jungle for 3 days. I will listen to its voice see what it has to say to me.

Spirals all are spirals. From DNA to our galaxy.... all spiraling in pattern. Did you ever look at a city from an airoplane and notice how it looks almost identical to computer circuit boards? Or how rivers from the air look like the very veins in your body?

So many thoughts... so many questions..... They are easier to ponder when you are not caught in your distractions.

Happy Solstice and Merry Christmas

M

So I finally got back to a computer. Its been an insane few weeks and I would like to update you all. First of all the internet cafe in town decided to do some renovations and has been closed for the two weeks. They just opened last night and here I am this morning getting this blog out to you.

So whats the what? Well there were a string of bombings that affected the country in various districts a few weeks ago. Several bombings were located in various Peace Corps sites and they directly affected volunteers. I would like to say that NO volunteers were hurt as a result of the bombings. Several sites are on "probation" and have been evacuated and the volunteers have been consolidated to Dhaka. Sites are being assessed and re-assessed. As a result of the bombings about 6 people have decided to ET (early terminate) and return to the States. This is a very personal choice and every one who makes it makes it for very different reasons.

Unfortunatly the response from our office was less than helpful. Most of us felt like we had no support at all and many of us were and are very scared. The response was "Well you are adults. If you dont feel safe here you can ET and go home." This astonded me and angered me. You see if we ET we do not get the Peace Corps benefits and the responsibility of leaving for safety and security reasons should not be put upon our shoulders. About a week ago our regional security officer came on emergency assessment to speak with the volunteers independent of our office. She went from district to district and we had open dialogue about how we were feeling.

Basically to cut a long story short Washington is now looking directly at Peace Corps Bangladesh because of the security officer being here and also from pressure back home. My family as well as others have contacted Washington on behalf of us and results are happening. What are those results? Two things have happened in the last week. One is that our emergency action plan has been revised and is including new contingency plans for consolidation and evacuation. For security reasons I cannot publish those plans here but I can tell you I like them and feel comfortable with the changes. Our office is also mis-managed and big changes are happening now. We the volunteers of Bangladesh have not felt supported and this has been a problem for several years. It is changing and things are shifting. The second thing Peace Corps offered us was if we were feeling unsafe we do not have to ET. We can request a country transfer. Here is the crappy thing about a country transfer for us B8's. If we choose to do that we fly back to the States next week or so. Then we wait for 4 to 5 months and get priority in going to another program. We of course have to start from scratch and go through another training, another language and (yay) another host family. We also do not get to choose where we go. It could be a swanky place like Chile or Macedonia or the Peace Corps country described as "hell on earth" Chad. Its a gamble and more waiting. Basically another year finished with not too much to show for it. Frankly I dont want to turn Peace Corps into a career.

So what am I going to do? I am staying. Yes you read that correctly . I AM STAYING. I have my reasons and I took some time to meditate on my situation. I wrote a list of pros and cons. I had a counseling session with the Peer network and have talked to fellow volunteers. I feel safe (as safe as can be outside of my own homeland) at my site. My family has been calling me (thank you family!!!) and at one point called me when I was pretty freaked out. I know that it was hard for them to hear me at that point because they are worried. I understand that. I am far away, I am in a situation that has dangers and you all have little to no control about this situation. I also understand that ya all have opinions about the matter. I appreciate that too. But you are also not in this experience so you can only judge it from your own perspective. That is also fine. You have to do what you need to do back home to lessen your anxiety too. You are free to call me at any time if you want to know how I am doing. Or send me and SMS. I try to get to the internet as much as possible but it is hard sometimes and you never know what will happen. So yes I am staying and I am not going to give reasons or try to justify my decisions here. You will have to trust my judgement and know that I dont take unnecissary risks here and that I feel good about the work I am doing. It is important to me. There are 4 times when volunteers are in crisis and this goes for all PEace Corps countries. One is during training, the other is transition to site, the third is the year marker (half way point) and then at the end of service and transition back to the States. So we were all in crisis number two when the bombs started going off. Some of us left. Some are staying. Choices.

I really like my site. I am settling in. I am speaking more and more Bangla. I have a supportive college environment. I just found a swanky apartment that is nicer than anywhere I have lived in the states and am excited to have my own space. My host family RULES and I have grown attatched to them. So much so I can often be found with 3 to 5 Bangladeshi children crawling all over me at all times. I have become a part of a family here and its cool. Yeah I need my own space but they understand that. I also like my site mates and they help me a lot and look out for me too. And then there are the times when I am talking to my students and they have this look in their eyes of such appreciation that someone took the time to listen to what they have to say because no one else here does.

M

I've created a new face you know. One you wouldn't recognize. I had to do it to survive here. Is that what life is? Survival? Should we just survive it to get through another day? In order to get through my days I must be unaproachable in the public spaces. Unkind. Unwilling. I don't laugh very much anymore. Most things are different about me now. The only time I can be myself is when I go to my bedroom and shut the door. There I can finally relax. This new mask is uncomfortable and I don't like it very much. I will abandon it when I can and certainly when I return to the US. I don't have my normal distractions anymore the only things I have are my books, my art and my writings. All else is gone. If I did not have these three outlets I would go insane. I am not a Super Star Volunteer. I do not want to assimilate and "be all I can be". I am not sure these days why I am here. People don't want to change. They want to be told what to do, especially in a collectivist culture, and they want to escape the pain of life with what ever pleasures they can get away with. People live in a foggy exsistance, reacting to their environment, not thinking and living out their lives until they die. I suppose it is the same in the US. We work jobs we hate, have expectations of people that they can never hope to live up to and numb out on alcohol, religion or worse things. So what can I possibly do here? Will I touch lives? Make a difference? Mabey. But I will never know. So should I be here so that when I come home I can put the sparkaling "Peace Corps" reference on my resume? Is it worth it? Worth suicide bombers and depression and constant harrasment and anti-malaria drugs in my blood stream? Today I am not sure. I am giving myself 3 month incriments to see how things go. I want to finish my time with this host family and then move into my own apartment and see how that goes. I am not a quitter and I want to finish this out but I have many concerns as I am sure all of you do.

So whats the what? First of all the bombings have slowed down. We are still on "alert" phase of our action plan. Our security coordinator has told us that we are no where near consolidation or evacuation. I am not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. Also the regional safety officer is coming to assess Bangladesh. Basically our office has told us that leaving is up to us if we feel unsafe. Personally I think this is highly irresponsible of them as we do not have all the information or contacts in country that they do. Putting this responsibility on our shoulders is only adding to the anxiety that we are all feeling. One married couple has already left because of the situation in country and their lack of confidence in the office. Several other people have left due to various incidents in which they felt unsafe and two were administratively seperated because they broke policy. That is almost 10 of our group that has left since training began. I am not sure what I will do yet. I am not ready to leave but I am really beginning to question being here. However, if I do choose to leave I want it to be for the right reasons and not just because of culture shock or because it is tough. To me those are not good reasons to leave.

My site is good and safe and we have had no incidences here. I have been teaching and it is fine. It is tough but teaching is not an easy profession anywhere. I am also designing my spoken English course which will focus on conversation and not grammar. I have interviews next week and will be really busy with those. I have 100 girls who have signed up for the interview and I will be swamped next week. So if I do not get on-line (I will try) don't be too worried. Remember you can always send me an SMS (to my mobile phone) or call me. I can be easily reached because of my having a mobile phone.

I also mailed out a stack of letters a few days ago so be on the look out for those. Hopefully they will reach you. I love the letters I get and the care packages and honestly sometimes the letters are all that get me through the days. I re-read them over and over and over. They really help me out. I need contact with all of you and I have to have goals to get me through the times here. I do think of home a lot and its not just me. My fellow volunteers are also going through much of what I am. WE are stressed out and depressed and anxious and many other things. Most of us don't want to come home because we feel dedicated to our work here but we all have to weigh the risks. If I feel that the Bangladesh office is not supporting us as best it can (and I am beginning to seriously have my doubts) then I will have to assess whether or not to stay. Because I can tell you that sitting at Tomasitas eating a red chili enchilanda and having a margarita sounds like pure HEAVEN. Not to mention starting up a bellydance class and finding some restaurant to shake my booty in. Seeing friends and family and getting started in grad school..... um ok gonna stop now before I have a mental melt down in this cyber cafe.

So for now I am safe. I am not feeling too hot but then again it is probably going to take me a while to get used to things. I am also planning several holidays (out of this country) so I will let you all know what is going on with that.

Love

M

I would first of all like to address the recent bombings and bring you all up to speed. All Peace Corps Volunteers are safe and accounted for. The past 3 days have seen violent demonstrations and suicide bombings. The worst of the bombings have taken place in Gazipur, which is where we did our 3 months of training. Peace Corps has us on "Alert" status which is the lowest status of our emergency action plan. Basically we are to be careful and keep our eyes and ears open in our sites. We are also to avoid courthouses which is where a majority of the bombings have taken place. Unfortunately, my college is right next to the courthouse here in M'bazar so I must be very careful. The good news is that the court closed the day of the bombings and will remain closed for one month. All the volunteers in Gazipur have been evacuated and consolidated to Dhaka. The site is being assessed as to its safety and to see if the volunteers will return. If not they will be assigned different cites. Sadly one of my fellow B8's students and a collegue were killed in the bomb blast. She herself left the boming zone only minutes before the blast and I believe that it is fate that she missed the carnage. I am not sure if she will remain as a volunteer in Bangladesh after this experience. I am not sure I could concentrate after such a horrible experience. However, we are all "safe" physically and accounted for. Peace Corps holds our safety as its main priority and will pull us out if things get worse. I actually am beginning to have my doubts about remaining here for the 2 years. Peace Corps already pulled everyone out 3 years ago for minor elections and this year (2006) will be the presidential elections and it will be insane for sure. Also we just recieved a contingency plan from Washington in the event of bird flu. If there are human infections here in Bangladesh we will get pulled. So far Thailand, China, and Vietnam all have the flu but Bangladeshi scientists have not discovered its presence here (umm ok I guess we have to believe that for now.)

I was planning on getting to the internet a few days ago but a hartal was called amidst all the bombings and I could not leave my house. Mass angry crowd. Umm no thanks. Actually I am going through a lot right now. My heads a bit twisted and I think its the stress of the violence, not knowing if I am going to be staying here in Bangladesh and also the holidays. I had this really funny blog ready to publish about the ridiculousness of the culture here and the little foibles I have been getting into but I will save that one for later. I am not feeling too funny at the moment and actually had a panic attack as I was walking home. I couldn't breath and I felt like I was going to faint and everything got to be spinning and my heart started to race. I had just had Malik deal with another stalker the day before and all the bombings and crap going on was too much for me. I pulled out my mobile and called Lief. I said "Leif I am having a panic attack!!!" and he was like "Ok Maya just breath! Its Ok!" and I was like "Really is it ok? Cause I am not sure anymore." Actually it was ok in the imediate sense but I am not myself and have not been feeling very well. Physically I am fine but theres a lot going on in my head. I've been talking to my fellow volunteers and its not me just being high mantenence. This country is really unstable and no one is sure what is going to happen. Gee why could I not get a chill country like the Dominican Republic?! Yeah so moving on.....

I did go over to Johns house the other day and he made chicken tacos. Well sort of. The "taco" was a rice shell and inside we put shreded chicken, chillies, pinapple, and cooked lentils (supposed to be the pinto beans) we also had some local cheese which was like Mexican cheese. Actually the rice tacos were pretty good.

I have been designing my Spoken English course also and today had the girls sign up for the English interview. I am really looking foreward to my spoken class as it will only have 30 girls (my regular class has around 200) and it will be my own little universe. I am getting into things more at my school but it is really hard. There is this national apathy and the school system is so different here. ITs hard to get people excited about teaching and learning, though there are some very interested students. But because they are girls they are not given the same chances. I am planning on starting a student newsletter for the girls and by the girls. I have so many plans!! Damn it!! I so don't want to leave! I really hope that things calm down. Today they are fine but things are still tense. I feel tense and unsure.

Blehhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yes packages: Got Dad and Grandmas thank you guys sooooo much!!! Cathy and Erin got yours! I loved it especially the Halloween pics. And thank you for the music I was getting bored with what I brought. My favorite mixes are the "Cosmo Mix", the "Mellow Mix" and the "I am not getting any mix" (Tenacious D & Barry White??!! are you trying to kill me or what??!!). Aunt Kathy: Thanks for pawning off all of your Halloween candy on me. ***Please note in earlier blogs ***Miss Maya has gained training weight and must lose it!!! Mammacita thanks for the ginger gummie bears (which by the way the dudes at the post office opened and helped themselves to)

PLEASE NOTE: MISS MAYA DOES NOT NEED ANY MORE HAND SANITIZER!!!!!!!!!!! I have enough of this to clean the nation thank you family and friends. Please send

****************************** BOOKS !!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!!!!!!! ************************************************************************

Alright. I am finished for today. Gonna check e-mails then go eat some more fricken curry. I will write when I can. And remember you have my mobile number. Go to Albertsons and buy an international phone card (only $10) and call me. Its easy.

M