3/15 - 3/19

Today was our typical chill before travel day. The biggest thing to happen was having dinner with Matt and Katie - the guys I was originally going to couch surf with. In hindsight, I wish I would have because they didn’t live that far from where we were staying anyways.

The next morning we took the 10:30 bus to Taba - the border of Israel and Egypt. As we drove along the Red Sea the landscape mesmerized us and all the opulence of the Hilton’s and Marriot’s disturbed us, lol.

Crossing into Israel was a treat. Though the security was tight and our bags were checked thoroughly, the people were lovely. On the other side, we exchanged some Egyptian pounds into shekels and took a bus to Eilat. Eilat is like a playground for the rich - malls, Imax, pubs, haunted houses (yes, there was a haunted house). We found the cheapest place we could and grabbed some falafel on the street. After hitting a supermarket we chilled in the room. It’s very bizarre being in a 1st world country again. Buses that run on time, pedestrians having the right of way at cross walks, restaurants that sell margherittas!!! Lol It’s going to take some getting used to.

The next day we ran a bunch of errands - Eric bought a watch, we bought our tickets to Milan, Italy and our bus tickets to Jerusalem. We had been hearing a lot about rioting and stuff going on since Biden’s visit but we figured, what the hell - ADVENTURE! Most of the scenery along the way was desert until we reached the Dead Sea. Gorgeous!! We actually should have planned better and went there first but no worries.

We arrived in Jerusalem and were overwhelmed by it’s beauty and history. From the station, we took a cab to Old Jerusalem in search of a cheap hostel. Once there - amidst many (and I mean MANY!) armed guards, we walked through Damascus gate and were confronted with commercialism. It seems as though very square inch of space is occupied by shop after shop selling everything from pashminas to pomegranate juice. I just never expected it I guess. These worn down cobblestone streets where hundreds of years of footfall have echoed are not home to such extensive retain, wow.

We inquired at several places until settling on a 35 shekel a night hole in the wall. Also, it’s winder here and COLD. We had to borrow a heater the first night to sleep. Once situated in our room we went out in search of food and money. In the process ended up at the Church of the Holy Sepulcher - where Jesus is supposedly buried. It was unexpected and kind of a madhouse. We tired to wind our way back through the streets to our hostel - discovered a great little falafel place. The man informed us he’d been making them there for 53 years. Yowza! That night sleep was difficult because it was so cold and my mattress was shit.

Today, I awoke long before the boys (as usual) and after my morning rituals decided to venture out on my own. I decided to follow the stations of the cross along Via Delorosa. It was sort of amazing to be seeing these places I’ve heard so much about growing up southern Baptist and even now - through I don’t feel any strong connection to them - am still sort of awed by the energy of the place.

The stations ended at the Holy Sepulcher. I stood in line to go inside and see Jesus’ tomb. While waiting, I met a fascinating woman who was there on a pilgrimage with a group of people from Canada. We had a wonderful conversation about spirituality and religion and I met some other people from her group, including a very handsome priest. AT one point, they made the remark that I was now part of their group and he then said to call him ‘daddy’..I’ll call you daddy alright!

I then meandered through the ever winding streets until I happened upon the wailing wall and the dome of the rock…where there is supposedly a footprint of Abraham before his ascension. I sported my yamulca and walked down for a closer look. I don’t know much about Judaism, but watching and listening to the men pray was fascinating. Some outside with the shawls over their heads and their low voices while the Hassidic Jews were inside, wavering back and forth while chanting something from a book.

I walked around for a bit trying to get in to see the rock but it seemed like there were guards at every entrance checking ids and I’m certain (though I didn’t have it) that my passport would not have been sufficient.

I grabbed lunch (falafel yet again) and walked around the Armenian quarter. Somehow I found myself outside the walls so I wandered up Jericho road before realizing I was at Gethsemane. From there I saw the tomb of the virgin Mary and proceeded up the Mt. of Olives, exploring all the churches and graveyards along the way. Once on top, the views of Old Jerusalem and the encroaching city were spectacular. I then retraced my steps, found an outdoor market for some dinner and returned to the hostel. The boys are not back yet but I am sure they have equally interesting stories to tell. I did forget to mention that directly across the street from the Jaffa entrance is a newly build mall that houses everything from Tommy Hilfiger to the Gap.

3/20 - 3/29

The next day the boys wanted to do Mt. Olive and I wanted to see the room of the last supper as well as Shindler’s grave. We accomplished all that and in addition, I bought 2 new T-shirts for cheap! We had thought we’d finish in time to do Bethlehem, but that was not the case.

The following day we headed to the Dead Sea. It took some time getting there and the first bus didn’t drop us in the greatest place but 2 bus rides and 60 shekels later we were rewarded with a float in the sea and a little exfoliation mud treatment. Once again we thought we could squeeze in Bethlehem but time was not on our side. Nick and I decided to go early in the morning.

We arose around 7 to catch the bus by 8 for the 8 mile ride to the city of Jesus’ birth. Bethlehem is still in Palestinian territory so it was interesting to see all the guards with guns again. We visited the church of the Nativity which was beautiful, had some falafel and then headed back to the bus stop for the return trip. We were told we had to go through a specific checkpoint but no one seemed to know where or what it was.

We got on a bus heading back to Israel (or so we thought), the driver said that yes it was the correct bus. Once at the border, everyone got off and passports were checked. When it was discovered that we were American, we were not allowed back on the bus (it proceeded without us - even though we had already paid for the trip). We were told we had to go through the other’ checkpoint but again, no one could tell us where it was or how to get there. I mean, seriously? Is this your fuckin’ country or what?

Finally, a female soldier instructed us to stand at a place on the road and catch the next bus to the other checkpoint. Okay, so Nick, myself, and a elder Chinese gentleman (who’s English was not up to par)…waited. Upon arrival of the bus, I began to explain to the driver the situation but he stopped me with a grunt and an ‘I know, I know’ and told us to sit.

At this point, we figured he has dealt with the situation many times before and we would be taken to the other checkpoint at last. Oh us and our assumptions. This bus takes us back to where we started and then stops and says this is his final stop - where is it we want to go exactly? What? We want the other checkpoint!…but he doesn’t know where that is and can’t take us there regardless…hmmm.

We exit the bus to a line of cab drivers who all start fighting for our attention…wanting to charge an outrageous price to take us about 2k. I had already lost bus fair and wasn’t about to lose more, so we refused and began walking - with the Chinese guy following and the cabbies yelling about how far it was.

We enjoyed the walk through the city - being asked repeatedly by other taxi drivers if they could take us (the price got lower and lower but I became more and more obstinate, lol). We began to see the wall (the one separating Bethlehem from Jerusalem)…it was tall and ugly and covered in graffiti. All of which seemed to shout at the unfairness of the situation ad how everyone longed for peace. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how something that has gone on for hundreds of years had not found a resolution.

We eventually made it to the ‘300’ border and when we showed our American passports were whisked through without so much as a bag check. Now why couldn’t they have done this on at the other checkpoint? With China man in tow, we grabbed another bus and made it back to the Jaffa gate.

We met up with Eric for lunch and then I had decided to head off to Tel Aviv cause I was finished with the Old City. I was supposed to meet up with Shaya, the couch surfer by 3, but since I didn’t make it there till an hour later, I was forced to kill time walking around the ‘gay’ area (yes, I said gay area), malls and yes, a gay beach as well. Now I KNOW I’m in a 1st world country again.

When I discovered that he didn’t get off until 11, I touched base with the other guy from couch surfing (Asaf) and made plans to catch up with him for that night instead. HE ended up living very close to where I was hanging out.

Asaf is a nice guy who works for some sort of hi-tech company working on eco-friendly technology. He was very hospitable and opened his flat to me. I showered, we smoked some sheesha - called nargilla here - and then decided to go out to a gay bar - after a few glasses of wine that is, lol.

Okay, first it’s been awhile since I’ve been in the ‘gay scene and 2nd, Israeli men are beautiful. 3rd, I was definitely ‘fresh meat’. It made for an interesting night of head turning and I actually had it in me to approach someone for conversation and flirting. After about an hour and a half we went home and crashed.

The next day I explored some more and waited for the boys to arrive. Once there, we chilled out, then me Asaf when he came home between jobs and we coordinated with Shaya to meet him for a key and directions to his place. Shaya is an American who now lives here. He’s amazing and generous and full of information about the history of Israel, Judaism, etc.

The next day we explored Old Jaffa, enjoyed the flea markets and waterfront and made out way back towards Asaf’s to use the internet. We decided to cook dinner at his place so went shopping for supplies and told Shaya to meet us there. It was a very interesting night meeting more gay Israelis and watching their interaction along with Shaya’s commentary. I’ve gathered that though Tel Aviv is very liberal, open and gay positive (you can even marry here) that self-identity among gay men still seems to conflict with hundreds of years of culture and tradition. So most |Israeli men are comfortable having sex with other men but relationships are rare. (update: it wasn’t until we reached Italy and Eric and I were talking that he told us that a lot of the conversation that night had been negative and had been aimed at us. That they had slammed the meal we had provided and were talking about how scruffy and worn we looked. I wish Shaya had told me personally that evening cause I would not have stayed any more nights with Asaf. As generous as he appeared on the surface, I cannot stand people who are two-faced).

That evening I found myself having a wonderful conversation with a cute guy who I felt was equally flirting back with me. An hour or so into it, I told him I thought he was handsome (why wouldn’t I say that?) and it seemed as though I had dropped a bomb on the situation. Within moments he had changed his position and lost all interest in me whatsoever. Even Nick had picked up on it and wondered what the hell had happened. That sort of spoiled the rest of the night for me but to add insult to injury, I somehow had misplaced the Asaf’s 2nd set of house keys he had given me and he was forced to repel down his balcony in search of a spare set at a neighbor’s. I felt as though I was now the center of the negative conversation that ensued…going back to that old familiar territory of feeling backed into a corner and being picked on - which causes me to shut down, get angry and become overly sensitive. It’s embarrassing and it’s a process I wish I could eliminate from my reproiatoire. I went to bed that night angry with myself and a little sad.

The next day Asaf had said he was taking me rock climbing but instead, left early to take a friend out and ‘train’ him to repel - saying we would go later. Later never came and ultimately I felt like I was being punished. I got over that QUICKLY! I chilled most of the day and later when he returned, he had more friends over and we ended up meeting the boys and Shaya at |Laika, a neighbourhood bar. It was nice and low key but as the night wore on, found myself not getting to sleep until 5 am - with some help from a sexy Moroccan guy, lol.

The next morning - or later that same morning - I found myself hung over (which I hadn’t been in quite some time) and throwing up repeatedly before finally mustering the strength to walk the 2k to Shaya’s flat. That evening he took us on a tour of Old Jaffa - he knew tones about its history. It ended with tea and nargilla at a Turkish place where the guy tried to WAY overcharge us for everything. Shaya spent some time arguing in Hebrew to stop cheating us, lol. I returned to Asaf’s, thinking I was going to go right to sleep, but once again, there was a house full of people. Much flirtations and offerings of sleeping partners and all I wanted was to crash alone.

The next day, Sunday, we chilled and made plans to head to Akko, in the north, early the following day, in order to return before the country shut down for Seder. Late in the evening our plans changed when Shaya invited us to his Kibbutz in Lotan - in the south. We went to bed late and got up very early to catch the bus.

Yesterday, we enjoyed the beautiful scenery and arrived in Lotan about 11:30. A kibbutz is a commune, usually farm based and self-sufficient. I found myself really loving the concept and wondering if something like this could work in Africa. The evening ended with Seder, my first, and I was overwhelmed by the peace and wonderfulness of the strangers around me. It was beautiful and fun and warm and steeped in 1,000 years of tradition. It made me long for more structure and/or roots in my own beliefs. I want to study Buddhism more intensely when I get stateside.

3/30 - 4/1

Our second full day at the kibbutz was spent getting a tour of the entire place by Shaya. It’s a smooth operation - everything fro ecology programs to goat cheese making. Quite impressive. That evening we were invited to dine with Leah and David’s family - friend’s of Shaya’s. Once again, fantastic food, great company (Leah is a Rabbi) and we all watched the movie UP. Cute and quite funny.

The next morning we arose quite early in hopes of catching a ride to Eilat to change our bus tickets for earlier. We wanted to get back to Tel Aviv early enough to run some errands. Everything worked out and we were back by 4:30. I met up with Tom - a friend of Asaf’s and hung out before he went to work and I headed to Asaf’s to say goodbye. I spent a few hours with Asaf and then decided to head back to Tom’s to sleep. A free bed is much better than a floor ANY DAY!

This morning we got up early to get to the airport 3 hours early for check-in. It was quite thorough and exhaustive and at the same time, I was very happy for the security measures. We fly to Milan in about an hour. Another country…another continent…whew.

4/1 4/8

The flight to Milan was quick and uneventful but unfortunately it was delayed a few house so by the tie we took a bus to the city center, it was too late to buy a phone card and contact our free place to stay from couch surfing. We snagged an inexpensive hotel, grabbed some food and slept.

The next day we explored Milan, taking in Duomo, the largest gothic church in Europe and a walk along the most expensive shopping arcade - fairly boorish. We then took the train to Pordenone where Marlene was waiting to take us to her place in Aviano. This country is beautiful and as we drove through the small towns on the way, I realized this is what I always thought Europe would be.

Marly’s place is huge and we all felt like we were back in American for a bit - a fridge full of American food, meat in bulk size containers. It still seems strange though we only left Africa a short time ago. That night w chilled out, had dinner and slept. The next day we took the train to Venice. I had assumed we were going to spend a few days there, but a long afternoon and evening was sufficient. It was amazing and romantic - all the stories were true.

The following day we went to the base to do laundry and to see the base exchange (which is basically a Wal-Mart) and the commissary - which is a large grocery store that carries only American items. There is also a Taco Bell and Cinnabon there. We discovered that American military bases are ball designed to be these little bubbles of America so that soldiers and their families feel at home. I found it rather denigrating. It’s fine that my taxes go to help keep America safe but do I really need to pay for them to have Hershey’s chocolate and El Paso refried beans? Doesn’t make sense - especially seeing how in Peace Corps we are designed to adjust to our new surroundings by shopping locally - there isn’t any other option for us.

Walking around the ‘faux’ Walmart was weird and I felt strangely guilty. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away after my 2 years in Africa? We rented some movies and Leo (Marly’s Italian squeeze) got his Ps3 and games to bring back for us to play. We spent the next few days (guilt free mind you) spending hours upon end, gaming away.

Before going back to the house, we drove up and over the mountain to Piancello, a small skiing town where I had my first snowball fight in 3 years. That, and we froze our butts off. We then went to a beautiful, quaint village for some wine and cheese. Sitting there, looking out across the lake to the snow covered mountains……beautiful turquoise colored lake….damn.

After sitting down one afternoon and mapping out the final 7 weeks of our trip, we decided to do a quick 3 day trek to Switzerland - not taking into consideration how expensive it was going to be. We ended up spending more getting there and back than we did for our 2 weeks in Zanzibar, lol. BUT and it’s a big but…the train ride to and from Zurich was breathtaking. Winding in and out of the Alps, through tiny farm towns, raging water falls and rivers and snow capped mountains….STUNNING!

Zurich is an amazing city - clean, westernized, yet still retaining much of that old European charm. The hostel we had planned on staying at was full, so we found a cheap hotel and bought food at the local supermarket. The next day we explore our asses off amongst the streets, lake and river. Again, I continued to be impressed with the city. I really wanted to have a drink at a gay bar so did some research online and found a place I thought would suit me for later.

Let me also just say that the Swiss are definitely NOT prudish either. Every other corner has some type of sex shop or strip cabaret place. They seem to be like Starbucks (or Starfucks, lol) which are also everywhere! While piddling around at the hostel waiting to go out, I struck up a conversation with a woman my age, who was there alone. Turns out she’s there for the Dali Lama’s conference which would start the day we were leaving. She was fascinating and has studied all sorts of pro-active psychology and spirituality. She’s also recently discovered her own bi-sexuality, so between the discussions on Peace Corps, AID in Africa, ecology, materialism, sexuality, and spirituality - it was a brilliant evening. THIS is why I prefer staying hostels and couch surfing. Mel ended up inviting herself along to my gay bar excursion and Eric also joined in. We headed out around 11 and after walking about an hour, found the place and it was closed. Upon returning to the hostel, the gay bay close to there was just closing and we decided to head home. Along the way we found a dance club and enjoyed a drink and more great conversation.

We are now on the train heading back to Marly’s…tomorrow we are either heading to Slovenia or Croatia or Prague….hmmm…decisions…decisions…

4/9 - 4/10

We decided on Croatia and Slovenia cause they were closer and Marly didn’t feel like driving too far. We stopped first in Porec to explore and eat lunch then headed to Rijeka for the night. It’s much colder here and you could still find snow on the upper parts of the mountains. We stayed in a wonderful (probably the best we’ve come across this trip) hostel. The next day we headed to Lake Bled in Slovenia. OMG. This is definitely one of the most beautiful places on earth. It would be the perfect honeymoon place OR a wonderful place to spend Christmas. The lake is charming with an island housing a beautiful old church. A winding road leads up the largest rock face to an ancient castle. Though cold as hell, I LOVED it. The day was a bit overcast so my pictures didn’t turn out that well, but so be it. The images are forever burned in my memory. I also discovered my love for blackjack in the casino and wasted 20 Euro. We then made the 3 hour drive back to Pordenone.

2/3 - 2/7:

The day we left fo Zanzibar, I took my Dramanine like a good little boy - but it had little effect. Instead of enjoying the air-conditioned first class amenities, I stayed on the back, bottom and outermost part of the baot - going through the color spectrum of levels of green until we finally arrived.

Instantly we were bombarded with touts - nothing was stolen thank God. These people do NOT understand the word 'NO'! We made our way to Bandari, dropped our stuff and ventured out. Stone Town is amazing with it's winding, cobblestone streets, shops and streed food. People continued to bmbard us with offers of diving excursions and weed, lol. That night we had an 'okay' dinner but then discovered the street food festival that happens by the waterfront every night at 6. Tables piled high with grilled octopus, red snapper kababs, lobster, falafel and even freshly squeezed cane juice. We promised our sellers to indulge the next night. We ended the day with a rather expensive beer at Mercury's - named after Queen's frontman. Who knew he was born here? lol

The next day we explored, took pics, swam bought scarves and waited for 6:00. By the time it rolled around, we were a bit concered about the turnover rate of the fish on an island that has een without electricity for over 2 months. We nixed eating on the waterfront and ended up settling for chapatis filled ith chips and cabbage. Yum. That and a Sprite for 2 bucks..? can't complain.

The following morning we headed to Nungwe on the north of the island. This is my favorite place so far. Turquoise waters that beg to be snorkled and enough local culture to keep one occupied. I have never snorkled before but have definitely discovered a new passion. It's like you are flying around in a giant acquarium - I've seen the most amazing things. Nick and I also went to a local sea turtle rescue rpeserve where we petted and fed them. It was brilliant. Today we snorkled again but the waters were a bit rough and we were still pooped from yesterday. We are heading back to Stone Town tomorrow to find lodging for the music festival then off to the south eatern part of the island for a few days.

2/8 - 2/11:

We got up early, had breakfast and walked to the road - just in time to catch a daladala back to Stone Town. Once there, we had lunch and spent a few hours trying to find a place to stay from the 10th-12th. It took some time and was ridiculously hot. Around 3, we caught a ride to Jambiani, or the SHIT HOLE, as we could come to be known to us. Not really as beautiful as Nungwe and MUCH less to do. Even at high tide, you had to walk a k out in the water in order to swim.

The daladala tried in vane to overcharge us and when we informed one of the touts where it was we wanted to go, he proclaimed very boisterously that it was closed down, not working, not open. As we passed it on the way to HIS suggestion, we noticed it was fully operational. I should be used to being lied to at this point, but it still gets irritating. Have I mentioned that Zanzibar has been without elecitricity for over 2 months? Yes. The cable (donated by Norway)) from Dar (now 40 years old) corroded a few months back. Typical African solution? WAit unti someone swoops in to help. Norway, et again, is installing another cable. Africa would fall to pieces if left to its own devices.

We stayed 2 nights in Jambiani - much ado about nothing. There were puppies to play with a cute bar man to flirt with - but that's where the excitement ended. Yesterday we watied in the rain for transport, then headed back to the Stone. Halfway back, I was jolted awake by the skidding of tires. I turned in time to see a bus rear end a daladala heading the other direction. Caught between the 2 was one of the workers. He had tried to jump out of the way, but his left leg got the brunt of the blow. We stopped and a few guys jumped out and ran back to see what's up.

Next thing we knew, we are turning around and going back towards the accident. Unbeknownst to us, we were picking u the injured man to assist him to the hospital. The moans and screams from this poor guy were appropirately deafening. His lower leg had recived a compound fracture and was twisted at a grotesque angle. Many more jumped out of the combi at that point to make room. What disturbed me the most was the 'non' attention to his leg that was being paid to him upon getting him into the daladala. Shoving him in, foot of broken leg getting caught on the door and various objects - twisting the leg further in the absolute wrong direction - intensifying his agony.

Adding insult to (no pun intended) injury, a muslim woman on board went into wailing upon seeing him. His screams mounted, hers escalated - for the next 15 minutes. Somehow the piercing shrills made me focus and I supported the guy and held his hand for the ride. Once there, I assisted him into the hospital. It was all very surreal. Once back in the daladala it was business as usualy, money being passed around payment for the lurid transport we had just experienced. I shakingly walked to our dingy room and took a shot of cane rum from Eric's bag. A very eventful morning.

We then walked to the market in search of avocado and chapati and were over joyed to also discover fresh cilantro. A good, very good, lunch. We then ran errands the remainder of the day and checked out the venue for the following day. Dinner was an amazing chicken sandwichg followed by watching the mzungus (white people) on the waterfront. Oh Africa, just what do you have in store for us next?

2/12 - 2/17:

Today we ran a few errands which included getting our tickets for the Sauti de Busara. I sort of dredded spending the money but was also looking forward to it. I'mWAY over budget onthis trip and it's making me a bit nervous. We then held ourselves up in the rom until the parade - which was sort of uneventful. Some loud music and a few street performers. We followed them into the fort, found a nice spot on the grass and enjoyed an amazing night of music - it wasn't too loud or too crowded. (things I dont enjoy which proves I am getting old lol). I left before Nick and Eric and spent a restless night on the floor (it was my turn) being eaten alive by fleas.

Today, Natalie and Heather arrived! It was great to see them. Its hard to believe that with all this travelling, we are only overlapping a day with them. We showed them arund Stone Town a bit and then it was off to day 2 of the festival. I had chosed to pass because I wanted to save money and besides, I could sit on the waterfront and listen. Earlier that day I had touched base with a gay dude who lives there and was planning on having a drink with him.

While waiting, I was approached by a really cute young local. He was being exceptionally flirty. Johan then arrived and we went to Livingstone's. A nice place but all white people, lol. During our converstaion, he told me aboutthe climate of the island as far as homos go. He also mentioned that the boy who was talking to me was a prostitute, lol. So where I am finally getting my 'gay' fix and it's partly with this somewhat racist South African and earlier with someone who would have charged me for sex, lol. THEN!!! In the middle of our drink, Natalie sms's me that they have figured out a way to sneak me into the festival because there is a cute (and gay mind you) (and lonely, lol) PCV from Tanzania inside. Here I am thinking the universe is opening all the doors for me...NOT!

Once inside, I meet 3 cute guys who could all realistically be gay and I get my flirt on...to no avail. Finally it's pointed out which one IS gay and he turns out to be the one that ignored me the most, lol. I'm officially returning my 'gaydar' to Macy's - it doesnt work!

The next day we were heading off the island early so we said goodbye to the girls and headed to the dock. The ride back was very pleasant and my stomach stayed in one place. We had made a contact through the girls for a free place to stay, so we made our way ther. Jean, a US embassy worker, lives in an amazing house with AC, washer/dryer, etc. It was like being stateside..we stayed 3 days!

During those days we bought our tickets to Cairo (money), our tickets to Arusha (more money) and shipped some things back to the states (much more money!). I really am getting nervous about the budget and the more time I spend in Africa, it seems the less I'mgonna be able to do in Europe...oh well. Our last full day in Dar we were lucky enough to spend it with Ruth (who flew in from Uganda) and Danielle and Julia who were metting up with her to travel around a bit. It was great to see other pcvs and catch up.

2/18 - 2/23:

Once again, up early to catch a taxi to the bus station, this time we took a small rikshaw type thing...was quite fun. The bus was long and arduous but we were rewarded in Moshi with a spectacular view of Kilimanjaro. People say you can only see it clearly a few times a year - we were very fortunate. We tried to find the 'Golden Showers' restaurant to no avail.

The next day was overcast so we decided to take off to Arusha. Once there, Margaret (our couch surfing hostess) picked us up and took us to her house. Over the next few nights were were overwhelmed by her and Charles hospitality. We nixed going to the Serenghetti and Ngorongoro because of cost.

On our last full day we tried to attend the Rwanded genocite trials (which are still going on) but didn't have dress clothes. Ironically, we ran into Natalie and Heather yet again coming out as we were trying to enter. After a little fewllowship, we went to buy tickets for Nairobi, had some lunch, then returned to the house.

The next day, after lunch, they drove us to the bus stop and we headed for Kenya - on a fairly empty bus (which never happens). We met 2 women travelling togethewr - 1 lived a few miles from Nick on Long Island! As we got closer to Kenya, we say more and more Masaii, in full garb and as the landscape changed, I felt we were driving into 'The Lion King'.

We arrived in Nairobi, which was a bit scary cause we hadn't nailed down accomodation with our next couchsurfing host yet. Fortunately (as the universe continues to protect us) I got ahold of her minutes before she boarded transport back to her house - which is a ways out of town.

We took a taxi to the outskirts of the city and planted oursevles with Anena and friends for the next 10 days! By far, this is the coolest CS experience I've had. she is this fabulous woman who came to Nairobi a few years ago to volunteer for a few weeks and then decided to stay and find work. She is trying (on her own mind you) to work with the local prostitutes who work the truckstop near her house. Not to persuade them to stop, but to counsel, offer support and education - it's SO non-judgemental. I envy her ability to do that. All thistime in Africa and I still have my judgement about many things. She also houses other volunteers and 4 Kenya teenagers live with her and she pays for their schooling - it seems to work just fine. She also has a housekeeper (a Muslim woman) who is amazing but it was funny, we kept hugging her hello every day we saw her only to discover she is not supposed to touch other men, lol...oh cultural boundaries...pishaw!

We also spent a day with Cheryl and Amanda visiting some of the local, more touristy type things. We saw baby elephants at an elephant rescure sanctuary, kissed giraffes at a giraffe rescue, then went and fed monkeys (for free) at a local park. They were crazy and climing all over us. Was a very fun day.

So, the last few days we havelaught, cooked, talked about AID in Africa and evenwent to the movies. Eric and I are currently sitting on yuet another bus waiting to go to a small village and volunteer at a school. I could have easily spent the entire time in Nairobi,but this trip is about experience, so here I am - impatiently waiting to leave (we are already 2 hours late) for a 7 hour bus ride to go 200k. I will be OFFICIALLY over eastern Africa in the next few days. Egypt, here I come!

Anena's boyfriend, Austin, who lives and does volunteer work in Mathari (the 2nd largest slum in Nairobi) invited us to a soccer game that was being videotaped by 2 of Anena's other couch surfers. 2 guys from France who are filming a documentary about soccer around the world. It was an outstanding day with tons of kids vying for our attention and then a late lunch and dancing at a bar/club within the area. We were the only whites around and I never felt safer. The fellowship and fun had that night is something I'll remember forever.

2/23-2/25:

Did I say 7 hours? Try 13! Remember,we had gotten up at 5, to hike in and catch a bus that was leaving at 8:30 (supposedly). We get there, get on the bus at 7:30 to secure a seat...the bus doesn't leave until a little after 11. The road was bumpy and slow going at first but thenout of the city,we were rewarded with some of the most beautiful countryside we've seen yet.

The bus is supposed to go straight to where we are being dropped, but instead, the driver stops frequently (very frequently!) to pick up shorter term passengers to make 'extra' money. Several hours later, it began to rain and well, it rained inside the bus! Eric and i were trying our best to stay dry.

As the downpour began to let up a little, we arrived in Awendo at 6:00 pm. It's discouraging when you've travelled for 7 hours and only gone 300k! Once here, we walked around this place looking for 'west end' hardware so we could met up with the sister of the family we were staying with - during which time we are frantically smsing Mary back in Nairobi to help. Around 7:30 we had made contact and were in the front of a truck being hauled the 13k to the village. The dirt road was complete mud and the going was slow. Eventually, we got stuck (of course) and walked the remaining 4k to the house in oatmeal type mud.

Once at the house we had to ay with the grandmother before entering - it is now 10:30pm. We sit in this kerosine lamp lighted room on an uncomfortable couch whille they prepare our room. at 11 we were taken to where we were meant to sleep - a wasp, mosquite and bat infested building. We were given a bucket of warm water to bathe in.

At this point we cram down some peanut butter sandwiches - enough food to take our doxy and prepare for bed. We had only ust crawled in when they came to get us for 'dinner'. I am exhausted at this point having been up for 18 hours..but alas...we return to the house and sit and wait (nodding in and out of sleep) for food. It becamse painfully oviousl to us that the entire family had waited for our arrival to eat together - having expected us many hours earlier...FAIL!

At 1:00 am (yes!) food was presented and we ravenously inhaled it. Then, wanting to head to slumber, we were told we must have tea. I'm sitting there wondering how much longer I can hang on before bolting to my pillow. At last,we said our good nights and at 2 am, 21 hours after our journey began, sleep encompassed us.

The next morning we awoke around 8:30, washed a bit, had breafast with the family (it's now 11 am) and walked into the village to visit the primary school without really knowing what was expected of us. Upon arrival we discovered they had been waiting all morning and we were meant to actually teach class. I was amazed at how easily I stepped into that role. No fear, no plan...just started talking to the children (who's English was actually pretty good) and taught for the next 2 hours - it was amazing!

We thenbroke for lunch, went home, then around 3 headed to another school todo the same thing only here,we were bombarded with pleas for money or aid. I've lived here long enough and have come accostomed to being the 'rich' white man that I handled the situation modestly (I'm wriign this at 7:30 in the morning in Nakuru and Eric, just walked in from last night where he informs me he had a 'good' time, lol...lucky bastard). We ended the time there by privately answering some questions about HIV with 2 of the male teachers. Answering questions they have been afraid to ask..Eric and I were in the zone.

We then (thankfull) took a motorcyle back to the house because a downour ensued. We read and chilled a bit before dinner, fellowshipped with the family then got to bed around 11. The next morning we got up early,had breakfast,said goodbye to the family, got motorcycle rides back to Awendo where we grabbed a matatu to Kisii. There we got transport to Nakuru. We should be used to touts grabbing us and yelling, trying to get us to come with thembut when I am carrying all my shit with me, I just get nervous. We eventually negotiated a ride and waited for it to fill up. 5 hours later we arrived (in the rain) and stopped at Tipsy restaraunt for a greasy burger and indian food. Ironically they were playing Rick Astley - a singer we'd been mocking this entire trip.

After dinner, we walked around to find a place to sleep before settling on the Mt. Sinai Hotel. We asked for the rooftop room (as per Lonely Planet's suggestion) and were pleasantly suprised to discover that it was an actual room - ON THE ROOFTOP!. We could see the entire city around us and the mountains in thedistance...beautiful.

We then decided to venture out for a beer. We found another hotel with a bar and we watched a soccer game -that I actually found myself being interested in. Teh next room was playing music so we decided to check out the dance situation. There was no floor, buteveryone kept dancing around their own tables. Once again, noticed the homoerotic way that men danced together. 2 guys in particular were 'getting it on' and the next thing I know we were being pulled over to their table. The next hour they got progressively more drunk and the one proceeded to grope the hell out of me...on tope of that, they were soldiers (they showed us their IDs). I know the guy was not gay - but it was the most forward anyone had been with me in Africa. Quite an interesting evening. Soon after I returned to the hotel to sleep and Eric remained behind to talk to the girl they had forced on him, lol. He didn't come home last night.

2/25-2/27:

This morning we left Nakuru after breakfast and were pleasandlty suprised with how fast the trip was. Back to Nairobi in about 2 hours. I got off at Westlands Mall in order to meet Nikeos (a guy from online), for lunch. He turned out to be a great guy and we hung out a bit before he had to go back to work. He's a safari guide who was actually featured on 'Long Way Down' - the motocycle show with Ewan Mcgregor. Now I'll have to watch it!

Back at the house, we had dinner, layed cards and chilled. Yesterday most of the house went to Mathari for a soccer match and I stayed back to do laundry. Also, nikos and I were supposed to get together again. When I hadn't heart from him by 11, I showered and headed into town to sp a bit and use the internet. I then touched base with Anena and we met at the combie rink to head home. Amanda and I cooked pasta for dinner, I gave Anena an hour's massage and then it was time for bed.

12/28 - 3/2:

Our last day in Nairobi was a chilled one with most of the mornng being wasted playing cards. We then all decided to go to the movies - we all saw different things. Afterwards, hile waiting for everyone, I found myself flirting with a cute African guy. Finally, I got up the courage to go and talk to him...but alas, it was my last night and I was going to spend it with friends.

The rest of the night was glorious with lots of laughter and photos until 2 am rolled around and we took our taxi to the airport. At 5:30 our flight ook off and we slept until we landed in Cairo, 4 hours later. WHAT a city this is! It has the same chaotic, rushed feel as other places in Africa but underneath it's surface is a serenity/safety. Our first day we explored and enjoyed amazing food (and cheap!)

Our first full day we headed to the Egyptian museum to check out tut. The exhibits were amazing - to see thousands of years of history - wow. And I got a student discount with my PC ID, lol. That evening we returned to the same place for dinner. The biggest thing I have noticed here is how open and affectionate the men are...ironically in a contry where being gay is still illegal. It's quite strange and I kept getting 'cruised' which either means I am attractive or its a ploy of some kind...haven't quite figured that out.

3/3-3/4:

Today it was off to the pyramids. Oddly enough, they were located directly within the suburb of Giza. I mean, DIRECTLY in it. I guess I thought it would be a long camel rie into the desert before we crested a dune and there they are. Wrong. Also, it's so completely commercial with shop after shop selling resin replicas of the sphinx for 1 US dollar. In addition, people throw their trash everywhere - even down in open holes that lead to the tombs. Sad really. As I stand in awe of the size and age of these strauctures, I kick around pepsi bottle caps and cigarette butts. I'm sure the pharoahs never envisined this for their mighty pryamids - a bunch of foreignors with cameras and falafel.

We did do a very American thing by having pizza at Pizza Hut while gazing at the Sphyinc. We had to...had to.

Afterwards we headed to Coptic Cairo which is a collection of Christian churchs and masoleums. Quite beautiful in itself. From there, we returned to town. We ate leftover pizza then went to smoke some sheesha...well,, Nick and Eric anyways. We also ended up checkng out a movie, 'The Book of Eli' - we loved it.

Yesterday we headed to some craft markets which ended up being a bust. I got a haircut and a shave (worst experience ver!), bought our train ticktes to Alexandria (where I currently sit writing) and explored more. I met up with a guy from online while the boys used the internet. Mohamed is a gay civil engineer and he filled me in on what the gay culture was like in Egypt - which doesn't really amount to anything. On our way back through, he's going to take us to see 'Alice in Wonderland'. So far, I love Cairo. It's a fairly clean and dfeinitely a safe city. The nile is beautiful though polluted. If I had found a coucsurfing place I would stay here another week. We are on our way to Alexandria now which should be amazing in itself.

3/5-3/9:

I LOVED Alexandria! Not only was it beautiful and on the Mediteranean, but it was super cheap. Hell, our first night we spent $3.52 on our room and it had an amazing view. We spend most of the time exploring the city...the old fort where the light house used to be, the pillar of Pompey and the catacombs - beautful. We stayed 1 extra day to chill out band then headed back on Monday. We also saw the newly built library of Alexandria...outstanding!

Once back in Cairo, we hit the mall with Mohamed to see the flick...in 3D no less. We were all knd of taken back by the opulence of it all. I mean, I'd been in shoping malls around Africa but for some reason this one in particular was so over the top that it reminded me of home....US, that is. Just a strange feeling. Yesterday, though, we returned to the land of plnty to see 'Avatar' and pick up a guide book for Mediterranean Europe. The movie and company were good. Mohamed then took us to a Syrian restaurant where we enjoyed some locl fair. Tasty. tomorrow is a chill day before heading to St. Katherine's on the Sinai peninsula.

3/10-3/14:

Today, we slept in, read, played cards, watched yet another movie and then returned o our beds for the following travel day. In the morning we had breakfas, then caught a cab to the bus station. In typical Africa fashion, we arrived an hour ahead of schedule to not have ou bus leave for an hour after it was supposed to. The trip to Al-Milga was supposed to be 5-6 hours, instead it took 8 - mechanical problems and all that. Most of the scenery was desert until we hit the red sea which was beautiful. We arrived at St. Katherine's Protectorate around 8:30, made our way to the Bedoin campe, found it to be full, ha tea with the owner and slept outside by the fire. None of us slept very well between the cold and the mosquitos. They had brought us plenty of blankets, but they all smelled of camel so we chose the cold over the stink.

The next morning we shifted to a real room and then got a ride to the monastary. It was supposed to e open 9-12 bu upon arrival they told us only 11-12...it was around 9:30. St. katherin'es houses a supposed' descendant of the burning bush. Nick and I decided to attempt the climb up Mt. Sinai while we waited. Ha! What made us think we could do a 2.5 horu climb in an hour was beyond me. After many breaks, we arrived at the summit and were greeted with some of the most spectacular mountainscapes I've ever seen. Vast and beautiful. I prayed - what else do you do on Mt. Sinai - and chilled. No wonder Moses spoke to a burning bush - he was high from the climb and altitude!

We descended (much faster than ascending) and having missed the bush, started walking back to our camp. Eric arrived shortly after, having been on his own little adventure. The rest of the day we rested and made arrangements for transport to Dahab.

The next morning, the trip was short and sweet and after checking into the 'Fighting Kangaroo', e went out for lunch. This place is beautiful but very touristy. In between the thousands of dive shops are stores selling tacky refridgerator magnets and restaraunts all sporting the 'best of' on their menu. If that isn't bad enough, you cannot leaisurely stroll along the beachfront because EVERY business owner is vying for your money. I get so tired of saying 'no thank you' only to have th epeople continue to follow and coax. We finally found streed food for 3 bucks compared to the 40 we would have spent elsewhere.

Yesterday, I was up early and read to snorkel. The water was chill but amazingly clear and once underneat, we were rewarded with some of the best coral reefs, RIGHT off shore! It was breathtaking. I saw lion fish, parrot fish, sea snakes, a morray eel...phenomenal! Nick and I took a break for lunch and to buy an underwater camera bag for pics. The afternoon was equally rewarding as the morning.

After an exhausting day, I napped and we returned to the same great, cheap place for dinner as the previous night. Tomorrow is a chillaxed day in preparation for our trip to Eliat, Israel. Holy land...here I come.

Yesterday we caught a taxi at 7:30 am to the bus station in hopes of taking the greyhound to St. Lucia - no such luck. We crossed the street and caught a combit to Mtubatuba, then another one there to St. Lucia. This place is a beautiful, tropical estuary. Hippos and crocs everywhere. I think we've decided to just camp here until after New Years.

The last couple of days here have been wonderful. Time split between the beach and traipsing through town. We have decided to leave tomorrow though and try to make it to Swaziland for New Year's. It's a combination of feeling like we shouldn't stay in any one place too long and our excitement for Mozambique.

I have to admit though, as much as this trip has been amazing - and will continue to be so - I am feeling the pull for home. The Africa part of our trip is of course the most difficult, but on days where I am either stressed out from travel or bored with the same scenery, I think 'I could be home with friends and family right now'. I will probably continue to feel this way over the next 4 months.

12/31-1/4Sitting here at Fatima's in Maputo, after a wonderful and cheap Indian meal, I realize I've neglected my updates, so here goes.

New Years Eve we hung out at BIBs in St. Lucia and then vetoed going to the big bash on the beach. We ended up watching some British Christmas special on tv, wished each other well, and crashed. The next day I went to make breakfast and found Carl - one 1/2 of a SA gay couple I had met there - passed out on the couch. I decided to play a joke on him and whipped out his penis. Not quite as humiliating as shaving someone's eyebrows, but I figured it would do the trick. It ended up that the only person to actually see him was Jerome, his partner, who, I guess, didn't find it as funny as me, lol. He started yelling at me and going off and I couldn't help but smile and laugh. He continued to rant and rave for the next few hours as we were packing to leave. As he got angrier I found it funnier...I'm sick, I guess, lol. At one point he said that Carl was so angry with me that he had started coming at me with a knife and that I needed to apologize to him. The best part of all of this gay drama was that Carl had come back from the beach earlier that morning, drunk, trying to get me to have sex with him. All this drama was stemming from his guilt and need to cover up his own actions. With an 'asshole' in a french accent, Jerome wished us well and we were off to catch a combi.

25 minutes later we arrived in Mtubatuba again where we sat in another combi for 3.5 hours before it filled and headed north. Travel days are exhausting - mainly because of the waiting around. At the next stop, there were no combis so we hiked at the side of the road until catching a lift to the Swazi border with a truck driver.

After going through immigration, we caught a ride to Manzini. But wait! After saying they were going there, they stopped at a different town and we switched to yet another car. Like I said, the travelling is exhausting!

Once in Manzini, we caught a 3rd ride to the Ezulwini Valley and finally arrived at the Lidwalla Lodge, 9 hours after starting. We checked in, made some dinner, and crashed. The next day we planned on walking to the 'natural hot springs' which was the main and only reason we chose to go that far INTO Swaziland. Wrong again! and a big 'fuck you' to Lonely Planet, lol. The hot springs turned out to be nothing more than hot ground water that is poured into a swimming pool. Nothing natural about that! We nixed the idea and went to the craft market and casino instead.

While at Lidwalla, we met 2 Irish chicks who were working there - Emir and Kiara. They were fantastic and over the next few days we enjoyed getting to know them. We had planned on leaving Sunday for Moz but found out there was a huge ceremony taking place at the King's Residence just down the road. We decided to stay and walk down. On the way, we asked a cop for directions to a batik cooperative and he ended up giving us a life and telling us all about the ceremony and some local Swazi history. He was fantastic. His name was OJ - Oscar Jamabalya (or something like that).

Ultimately he dropped us off across from the royal residence where we had our packed lunches and walked onto the palace grounds. We were stopped several times to check for cameras - we had ours but promised we wouldn't take photos of the actual ritual. We were then stopped by a beautiful young Swazi lady who spent the next 30 minutes explaining i great detail, all about the ceremony, rights of passage, etc. of the Swazi boys and today's 'fruits of the harvest' rituals. For boys to become men, the participate in a 6 day ceremony. The first day (and yes, this happens in 1 day), they walk on foot 50k to cut down trees from a sacred forest, then carry the trees on their shoulders BACK the 50k to the King's residence. There they rest. The next day, the day we were there, they have the Ncwala.

We purchased some traditional cloth and sticks to dress the part and then headed to the kraal to actually participate in the dance ourselves. Most of the Swazi men were wearing leaopart skin loin cloths with cow tail and chicken feather headresses. It was beautiful and amazing. The many wives of the king were dressed one way while all the princesses wore only skirts with their breasts exposed. Nick was very happy! We walked through the metal detecter (where my PA actually set it off, lol) and went inside.

In the kraal (corral), we took part in the dance. Chanting and swaing and shaking our sticks. It was such a perfect afternoon. We returned to the lodge, exhausted and hung out with the girls and some of guests. This morning, we woke early, paid our bill (with a discount complements of the Irish) and began our 8 hour day - in the pouring rain no less - to make it 265k to Maputo, the capital of Mozambique. I seriously LOVE travelling with Nick. We have found out niche and can deal with each other's mood swings, not take things personally and always end each day laughing our asses off.

1/5-1/14Ya know, whenever I think I should get better at journaling along this trip I stop and remind myself WHY I am on it in the first place...for the EXPERIENCE!!! (not just to write about it)

We spent a day in Maputo, exploring, though we were not very impressed. The entire city seemed to be in a state of decay - the facades of anceitn buildings seeping into rot. Starving and running out of options, we had lunch at a chinese hotel - the food was good and the atmosphere entertaining. I had enough food for leftovers later.

The next day we took a taxi to the combi rink to get to XAI-XAI. This in itself wasn't too bad, tough we are frowing weary of local transportation. Along the way, we made the decision to skip XAI and head directlyfor Inhambane. Mistake #1, lol. We have GOT to make firmer plans! We made it about 6k outside of XAI where we were dropped off at the side of teh road. We tried to hike from there...to no avail. So we ended up returning to XAI. Instead of trying to make it to the picturesque beach we had heard about, we got a room at a cheap hotel - very cheap. I kept waiting for Norman Bates to knock on our door or appear in the shower. We entertained outselves by singing opera and playing cards.

The next morning we rose early for a headstart. Once on the road it became a long haul due to construction and road conditions. We had NO idea how much to pay so just gave the guy 400 mets each. He tried to charge us for our bags, but I told him NO. We drove about 2k before it pulled into a garage for repair. We sat there for an our while they worked on it. You'l think I'd be used to this sort of shit after 2 years in Nam but it's still aggravating.

After yet another 4 hours, we switched buses in Quissico. there we saw the most beautiful sea foam green lagoon imagineable and were hitting ourselves for not staying at least one night there. Once at Inhambane, we made our way to the backpackers and explored the town. We had pizze for lunch and swam a bit. The next morning we explored some more and then caught a lift to Tofo with some Aussies.

They dropped us at Bamboozi lodge, we checked in and headed to the beach and town. This place is spectacular with the most beautiful azure and turquoise waters I've ever seen. We treated ourselves to lunch at Fatima's Nest, bought what would be the first of many pineapple and headed to bed - after some wine and a naked swim! The next morning we checked into Fatima's which was cheaper and closer to town - though it's reputed to be a party place, we found it rather chill with a low-key atmosphere. The next few days were spent swimming, playing cards, exploring the beach and town and trying our hands at cooking prawns - FRESH prawns. They were amazing and delicious.

We ran into some Moz PCVs who happened to be going snorkeling with whale sharks, so we decided to tag along. I forgot exactly how sea sick I get and didn't take my Dramamine. So basically, we spent the first hour looking for them as I got progressively more nauseous. I kept hoping I would not be the first one to hurl! A shark was eventually spotted and in the water we went. I have never snorkeled so wasn't exactly sure what I was doing. So between trying not to puke in my gear and swallow sea water, I managed to see the big fish for about 30 seconds before we were hauled back into the boat - where once again, nausea took over.

We continued to search formore sharks on our way back to the beach. Alice, a Moz PCV, was looking rather green and finally leaned over the edge and relinquished her breakfast - I followed suit. I instantly felt better...for a few minutes anyways.

Back in Tofo, we had 'bunny chow' at a local dive and then Alicia and Matt headed back to their sites. Man I don't miss PC right now. Alice and AJ hung out for another dayand that evening we made an amazing dinner and played cards. The next day was spent relaxing from the day before. The following day I left Tofo for Vilankulu, cause I was offered a free place to stay. I will always choose free. The last few days I've been chillin on the beach, collecting sand dollars, hanging with PCVs and waiting on Nick and Eric to catch up. I am ready to move on and head farther north. Europe is calling my name but we are still about a month away.

1/15-1/20 (early)

Chilling in Vilankulu was good but I was itching to get moving. I spent time playing cards with Megan, doing yoga - I even got to go to a class - and swimming. Eric and Nick arrived on Saturday. Sunday, I showed them around and we went swimming. We all got a bit dehydrated so didn't feel well the rest of the day. We went to buy tickets for the early bus the next day only to discover it was already booked. That meant another day here. God, I just wanna go!!!!

The next morning we awoke to discover that one of Megan's dogs had torn up Eric's backpack. We mended it as best we could (it's now called Frankenbag). We got up at 3am the following morning to catch the bus. It was the usual chaos. 9 hours later we arrived in Inchope, immediately caught a lift to Chimoio, bought food at Shoprite and caught a free ride to the Pink Papaya. I went right to sleep while the guys went to buy bus tickets for the following day and get Nick a new camera. His died a few days earlier and I fear mine is on a similar path.

I awoke around 5:30 and groggily went for a walk to town. The market was a scary, dark place where various things were sold in the dim light of wooden stalls with corrogated metal roofs. Back at the Papaya, I cooked dinner and we had wine while we talked about the next few days of our trip.

Once again, 3 am, we awoke and trekked to the chapa rink with our stuff. This was even more chaotic than the day before but I had promised myself to relax and not complain. I had found myself doing it way too much and I didn't want this whole 5 months to turn into me griping about the culture everywhere I went. Besides, I should be used to it...yeah yeah yeah.

Once loaded, the ride to Tete wasn't all that bad and there we caught a 2nd chapa to Ulongwe. This one was a bit cramped, with us having to pay for an extra seat for our stuffs and then cramming in alongside it. We arrived around 4, met up with Adrienne, the PCV we were crashing with. I love having free places to stay!

Today we will head to Senga Bay, crossing the border into Malawi. I am excited that we are 1. hitting another country and 2. finally farther north than Namibia. I feel like NOW we are getting 'away'.

1/20-1/26

The morning we left Ulongwe we did s in tyrpical African fashion - waiting on a ride, getting all packed in, only to have him drive around the town trying to squeeze more people in and finally ended back where we started, waiting yet again. Eventually we made it to the border, exchanged some money, crossed easily and walked a bit before stopping to eat.

After several attempts - and I do mean several - at ordering off the menu, only to have the waiter continually return to inform us they were out of this or that, we settled on fried egg sandwiches before returning to the road to hike. It wasn't long before we were whisked into a combi, bags crammed behind the backseat with the door tied closed behind. Adrienne had warned us about the 'touts' - guys who are supposed to be offering their services as guides or porters but are actually working in groups to distract and rob. We had taken extra precautions that morning to keep all our valuables deep in our bags and I even used twine to tie my external zippers shut.

However...nothing prepared us for the reality. Upon arrival in Lilongwe, the driver of the combi stopped in the middle of nowhere - NOT actually at the combi rink. The bus was immediately bombarded with young men - touts. Eric and I got out immediately to guard our bags that were explosed in the back. The touts were undeterable and would push us around and even though we would push them back and yell for them to back off, the crowding in would continue. When everyone had left the combi the drive instructed us to get back in - he was going to drop us elsewhere. I found this strange - why hadn't he dropped us 'elsewhere' first? It was then that I noticed his 'helper' in the back near Eric's bag with the horde of guys. Later, he would tell us he was trying to help keep people from cutting into it, but we would agree he was in on the scam. Eric jumped out once again and unfortunately took his small camel pack with him. It was then, somehow, decided that we should put our bags into the combi. This didn't make sense to any of us but by then the driver had opened the back, exposing our stuff, with only Eric to shove the things into Nick. I admit, I was sort of frozen at the moment, not knowing exactly what I should do. The side door opened with many guys crowded around deeming daunting to push my way through and at the same time, I worried about people grabbing things from there.

As Eric was pushing his larger bag through the back, one of the guys unzipped his smaller pack and the contents spilled out on the ground. Some of the touts started grabbing for things and trying to kick other stuff farther under the combi. He was able to grab most things, but we discovered soon enough they had snagged his camera. We wanted the combie to stop immediately and let Eric out to go back, but they didn't or wouldn't. That was really where we figured they were in on it.

At the rink, he bolted, in vain, to return and retrieve his cam. I waited with our stuff, mace in hand, while Nick followed suit. That's when I noticed my tent was also missing. I was more concerned about Eric's camera - tents are replaceable, memories are not.

This is the point in the story where I have to bitch a little. I realized there is theft, all over the world, it's a given - especially if you are travelling. But when I hear repeatedly, about volunteers being robbed, by this method or that, I am infuriated. The mindset that 'white' = 'money' is a common thread running all the way through this unraveling continent. Whether being burgled or hounded for money - it just gets fucking old! If you are begging for food cause you are starving, thats one thing. But the majority of theft is just seen as a rectifier between the haves and have nots.

On the other side of the proverbial coin, theres the Buddhist principal of possession vs. suffering. That appointing owenership or saying 'that's mine' and attributing value to something material, only leads to problems. Any item can be broken, stolen, will age over time... My question to the universe is this - are we all meant to be monks? If I purchase something, say, a toaster. With that purchase comes certain expectations. I am going to get the best merchandise for my money. the product will last me a certain length of time. The item will remain in my service until I see fit to be finished with it. Small expectations yes, but to me, NOT overly exaggerated.

So, when one of those are NOT met, yes, there is suffereing. Does that mean we have to let go of all those and go through life spending our money with no guarantees and the assumption that everything is temporary? Maybe in doing so, we would end up a less material society. Hmmm. As I write this, clarity is setting in a bit. Acceptance...still have to work on that one a bit.

Back at the combi rink, we very quickly caught a bus to Salima. Eric REALLY wanted to get out of Lilongwe, though we had initially planned on staying there one night. At Salima, I ran to the ATM for all 3 of us, bought some waters and peanut butter, and we snagged a ride to Senga Bay. Arriving there at dark, we discovered the marina we were staying at was 5k down the road. After stupidly turning down 3 bike taxis and then a car - we were still trying to figure out the Kwacha conversion - we trekked the unknown road on foot. 50 minutes later we arrived at Wheelhouse, settled in and slept. The next few days we spent chiling by the beautiful lake - with all of us a afraid to go in it. Between yoga, cards and exploring the area, we wiled away the time - happy to be prone for a few days.

After a failed attempt to arrange transport to lizard island - which is supposed to have a very large population of monitor lizards - we bid farewell to the Wheel and made our way back to Salima and then to Nkhata Bay. We arrived - after many hours on the bus - once again, at dark. We immediately fell in love with this place. This little village, surrounding a gorgeous bay, is everything we thought Africa was supposed to be. Fisherman crowding the streets with the day's catch. Streetfood sold by colorful women with suckling babes. Caribbean style music blasting from around every corner. It's amazing!

The last few days have been spent exploring this beautiful place, enjoying the amazing food and music and finally, a fearless swim in the lake - Shisto be damned!! We've met up with some Malawan PCVs and hung out while picking their brains for things to see and places to stay as we continue to head north. We have been here for 2 nights and plan on making tonight our last. We'll see what happens.

1/27-1/28Okay, so the last 24 hours, for me, has to go down in the record books as 'not the greatest'.

We awoke in Nkhata to a thunderstorm. It hasn't rained this year at all in Malawi but chooses the day we need to travel to do so. We wait it out an hour or so and when it finally lets up a bit, pack up and catch a ride to Mzuzu. Here, our plans were to get our US dollars and catch a combi to Livingstonia or Chitimba. It didn't happen.

Upon arrival, we started hitting the bacnks. Either they didn't have dollars OR they wouldn't give it to us because we did not have an account. In addition, Malawi has recently closed all of it's foreign exchange offices because of corruption. After getting a bit stressed out, we decided to break for lunch. During so, Nick checks with the hotel owner and I go to talk to the police. Neither one turned out to be very productive but the police at least referred us to the immigration office. We headed there after lunch.

The office was of very little help and actually laughted at me which made me want to hit someone. I try very hard to not enter 'victim status' but I just felt as though our hands were tied. It was then that the universe sent us our 3 boats...

David, a Swedish Jehovah's Witness (yes) was in the office and overheard our dilemna. He knew where we could illegally exchange money at a decent rate. He drove us to 2 different Indian shops to speak to their owners. 1 guy was out and the other was in prayer. We thanked David and waited for Mr. Tutla to finish with Allah.

Mr. Tutla informed us that no, he had no US dollars. We walked back to the first place to wait for the other guy. When he returned, he said he didn't have any but it was ZERO problem getting it at the border. By then, we had decided to stay the night in Mzuzu and get an early start the next day. Ash, the Indian guy, offered us a lift to the backpackers - boat #2.

We dropped out stuff and walked back into town to get food for dinner. We returned and enjoyed peanut butter sandwiches with beer and wine. We also met Gabriel (#3), a beautiful Malawin guy who offered to take our money, deposit into his account and then get the US money at his back for us. Wow. (in hindsight I'm not sure why we didn't do this). It was also funny that Eric and Nick were playing 'wingmen' and trying to get me laid, lol. I was seriously attracted to this guy and picked up on some gaydar but it's very difficult working through differences in culture to really know where another one stands. I ended up sleeping alone...yet again (kicking myself).

We awoke to rain once more but instead of waiting it out, packed up and left. We got to the combi rink, faced the usual yelling and pulling from the drivers and sat in a bus to Karonga, waiting for it to fill up. 2 hours later were on the road. The very slow road. It took us about 5 hours to go 200k. The silver lining was that the countryside was beautiful, some of the best I've seen in Africa. Malawi is amazingly fertile.

At Karonga, people were asking if we needed US dollars. Yes please. Everyone we spoke to wanted to charge us 18,000 Kwacha for 100.00. That's like paying 25 dollars for one hundred! We refused and got in a taxi to the border. There, we explained our dilemna to the Malawi customs and they said they would help us...YEAH! Only to discover they were just calling in one of the guys off the street who was asking an even higher price.

At this point, we ere concerned we would have to travel all the way back to Karonga, because there was not ATM at the border and we were going to have to suck it up and pay the extra money. Nick then headed over to the Tanzanian border to see if they could help us. He returned to tell us he found a guy who would exchange for 16,000. Now, remember, it's illegal to do this in either country but most police turn a blind eye.

So, we meet the guy and I very stupidly hand him 16,000 kwacha before seeing the US dollars. All of a sudden...chaos. Other men approached and started yelling and saying we owe more, that the exchange rate is higher. Somehow, in the process of us saying no and trying to get our money back...slight of hand...my guy stole 7,000 kwacha from me - which I didn't realize until we were in the immigration office for Tanzania. I've been lucky this trip - seein ghtat Eric has lost a camera and a tent - but I was still pissed off. It's 42 US dollars and with the tight budget I am on, it's a substantial portion.

At the office, we explain everything - minus the theft - and hope they can help us out. After an hour, an arrangement is made - with Nick even having to save Eric and I's butts with rand and wala! we were in yet another country. Dark was fast approaching as we walked to the combi rink. We squeezed (and I mean, seriously squeezed) onto a bus (standing) for the 3 hour ride to Mbeya. We got here at 10:30 pm, starving and exhausted, we checked into the only room available (1 full size bed for the 3 of us) and then walked to the ATM, in hopes of finding some food along the way. Both ventures were a success.

The night ended with beers, chicken and chips at Sugar Ray's where we laughed about the day, lamented about not seeing Gabriel naked, lol, and the boys discussed in detail the beauty of African women's asses. Life? what's next?

1/29 - 2/2We spent 2 full days in Mbeya, enjoying really cheap street food and purchasing train tickets for the long haul to Dar. We had to switch hotels and the second one was a bit gross. The water coming out of the pipes went from cloudly to brown to black and then back to those assortment of colors. None of us wanted to bath in it, let alone brush our teeth. On Saturday, we got a taxi ride to the station, in order to be there an hour before departure. Who are they kidding? We arrived at 2, was supposed to leave at 3 and finally boarded and started heading to Dar at 8.

We had some dinner and then slept. Surprisingly I didn't get motion sickness. The next day...the longest day, we ate, played cards, drank beer. When the train was going through the National Park, we saw giraffe, elephants, zebra, wildebeast, antelope, warthogs....it was by far the best 'non' safari I had been on. We arrived in Dar around 8 pm with no bookings and a tad fearful of being robbed. We sucked it up and paid for a taxi...that we had to end up pushing to get started...and arrived at Jambo Lodge. We were sort of in a race with some other whities to get a room, because everything was booked. WE managed to get the very last room!

The last couple of days we've explored the city, I went to the museum, we've had some amazing local food and today got our tickets for the boat ride to Zanzibar tomorrow. We also made the decision to skip Rwanda and Uganda. Eric is a bit sad about that, but Nick and I are really ready to leave Africa behind us. I am way stoked for Egypt, Israel/Jordan and of course Europe.

Okay guys, sorry it's taken me so long to update you with my travels, but have been staying at some pretty remote places without even cell reception. Here is a brief account of the last 20 days...enjoy.

Nick and I had planned for about 4 months to spend the first month of our trip with my friend Kris - a VSO from England. She has a car and Nick offered to pay for the petrol. Sadly, 3 days before we planned on leaving (12/9), Kris had a family emergency and had to travel home. She even went out of her way to see if we could still take the car and then leave it somewhere in Zambia for her to pick up. She's a doll and I'm gutted that I don't get to spend this time with her.

So, Nick and I started hiking out of Windhoek, early in the morning on the 9th of December. It took FOREVER for us to get a lift. We knew that 2 guys hiking together (especially the 2 of us) would be difficult, but shit! After standing around for about 3 hours we got a lift as far as the airport (towards Gobabis). It was with a traffic cop who actually starting tracking someone who was speeding and instead of letting us off at the road, raced into the airport in order to confront the guy and give him a ticket. Quite a way for us to start our adventure.

We then walked back out to the road and sat in the blazing sun (NO SHADE ANYWHERE) for another few hours til we caught a free ride to Gobabis. There we sat outside a grocery and had something to eat and refilled our water bottles. Then it was off to hike to the border. We caught a ride with a tattooed, German truck driver. The going was slow, but safe. We got to the border around 5 pm (a 10 hour hike day) and decided to sleep there at the rest camp for the night. We had hoped to make it to Maun, Botswana in one day, but oh well.

The next morning we sat outside the border post until we caught a ride to Ghanzi. I had a little fight with the woman in the car because she never mentioned money but once we got out she tried to get some from us. I just waved her away and said sorry. We THEN sat outside a petrol station for about 4 hours trying to get a lift to Maun. We were NOT having a good time with hiking, that's for sure. While waiting, we ran into 3 PCVs from South Africa who had just come from there and were heading south.

We finally offered 2 guys 50 rand each to take us to Maun. We climbed in and fell asleep. As soon as we got to the vetrinary border crossing, their car broke down - literally. We then sat there for another hour, trying to catch a ride with anyone passing through. Finally, a policeman threw us in the back of his car and took us to town. Once there, we bought some food at Shoprite and caught a taxi to Old Bridge Backpackers.

This place is beautiful! Set right alongside the Okavanjo Delta. It's lush and clean and cool with all the trees. The first night we treated ourselves to a luxury tent and then camped the remainder of the time there. We spent some extra money and did a 'mokoro' trip into the delta to actualy camp on one of the islands and do a safari walk the next day. It was breathtaking! Our guide was a local who was really outspoken and we talked alot about how he could upgrade his business and make more money for himself and his family. Once a Peace Corps Volunter, always one, I suppose. During this time we befriended Gonzolo (from Portugal) and 2 other couples - 1 from Canada and the other from Cape Town (sorry I can't remember their names). Once back at Old Bridge we relaxed for a day and went into Maun to check out the city. Typical small African town. What was funny though was that some strange girl approached me and said I owed her money because I didn't pay for the ride to Ghanzi the other day. Small world...she must have been a relative of the woman who gave us a lift and because she knew where we were going, called ahead to have her people look out of us, lol.

Since we had learned out lesson about hiking, we booked the bus to Gabs (Gabarone) to crash at Joe's place. 12 hours later, exhausted, we arrive and walk to Joe's flat. He is a PCV from Bots who lives in a guest house of an American Embassy employee. It was great! He had a swimming pool AND washer/dryer. We hung out an extra day to wash clothes and relax.

From there we took a taxi to the taxi rink south, then a taxi to the border to cross into South Africa. At the border we met an Afrikaaner named Schulk (yes, Schulk) who gave us a ride to Vryberg and then 60k outsides heading towards Kimberly. We stopped for lunch and he actually paid for ours. I tell ya...the kindness of strangers. Once again, we sat by the side of the road for seveal hours and only got a short ride (a couple of k) to an Engin (petrol station). We tried to hike there but eventually it got dark and we crashed at a rest camp - that was FORTUNATELY located right next to the petrol station. The owners were nice and I believe if we had talked to them about money, they would have let us stay for free but they weren't there in the morning when we left, so we paid R300 and went to the road.

Again, after a few hours, we caught a ride to Kimberly. That place SUCKED!!! We tried for hours to get a lift and finally tracked down a combi to get us to Bloemfontein. We had been told it was difficult to hike in South Africa due to the racist, but I didn't think it would be that bad. Black people didn't pick us up because of the former white oppression and whites didn't pick us up out of fear of being robbed. Damn.

Once in Bloemfontein, we found the cheapest hotel we could, showered and walked to the mall. There we got gelato (YEAH!!!) and bought some peanut butter for dinner. We are REALLY trying to do this 5 months as cheaply as possible so it's PB&J, tuna fish sandwiches and when we stay at hostels or somewhere we can cook, it's spaghetti and sauce or rice and chakalaka. We have so far been eating for under 1 US dollar per meal. Pretty damn good. A couple of times a week we treat ourself to some local food.

That evening we decided to walk to 2nd avenue (where all the bars are) and have a drink. There we met 2 girls from SA and a German guy and hung out with them for a bit. We ended up playing pool at some club until later, then walking back to the hotel. OH, we also discovered that Bloem was the birthplace of JRR Tolkien and since Nick is even a bigger geek than I, we went on a search for his home...to no avail (Nick shed a tear, I think).

The next morning we walked to the taxi rink (with the help of some stranger), paid and signed in and caught a ride to Maseru (or at least the Lesotho border). We walked into town (CHAOS!), bought some food and caught another combi to Roma where we camped at Trader's Post for the night. There was some sort of celebration going on and some people kept buying us beers cause they thought we looked exhausted...well, we were! I ended up judging a dancing contest while swimming in the pool. We met a guy named Andre (from Jburg) who was heading to Semonkong the next day, so we caught a ride with him. I know we don't have a hostel/backpacking type of culture in the US but it's awesome. You end up meeting so many kindred spirits and many times, either catching transport with someone or traveling with them for a bit.

The next morning we began the 65k trek to Semonkong through a very twisty, windy gravel road UP into the mountains. It took about 3.5 hours to get there but the scenery was amazing! We stayed at the Semonkong lodge for the next 3 days. On the 2nd day, Nick and Andre went abseiling (repelling) down the world's highest abseil. It's right next to the falls around the same height as Victoria Falls. I would have done it but just decided to save some money oh that, and my fear of heights, lol. I walked 3k to the rim to take pics across from the actual falls and then hiked down to the base to wait for them so we could swim and have lunch. The hike down was treacherous and I slipped many times. At the bottom, I watched them come down the side of the mountain (jealous). They then left me, instead of coming further down to swim. I found out later the guy rushed them a bit and neither of them felt comfortable making him wait. Oh well. I had lunch and then thought I'd be a bit clever. I saw a different way up and looked quicker, though more difficult. Ha ha ha...I should have just went back the way I came.

After an hour going just about straight up, having to stop every 10 minutes from exhausted, I arrived at the top, only to discover it doesn't go all the way up, but instead back down the other side. I was literally trapped. I had to quickly face the fact that I had to go back down the way I had just come. Pissed. That would describe how I was feeling. Oh, that and my legs were WASTED!!!!

I eventually made it back to the bottom, rest about 20 minutes then hiked back up the original trail. It seemed to take forever and my legs were like jello. Once at the top, I had a 3k hike BACK to the camp!!! I was gutted. I kept telling myself LEMON TWIST, LEMON TWIST (it's a soft drink I've grown to love here). It's the ONLY thing that kept me putting one foot in front of the other.

That evening Andre braiied and we made lentils and chapatis and together had a fantastic dinner. He also broke out his Didj and I tried a bit to make a note...with some mediocre success.

The next day was spent completely chilling out. Nick and I walked into town and bought some bread and then met up with the PCV who is stationed there later, at the lodge pub. That night I decided to sleep in the dorm cause it had been getting very cold after dark and I was having trouble staying warm. I had not planned on being places where it was this chilly and so 1 pair of flannel pjs was NOT cutting it.

In the morning, we woke at 1/2 past 4 to begin the drive out. Equally as beautiful but was glad it was over 3 hours later. Andre decided to exit Lesotho in Maseru instead of Pika, so we got out there and caught a combie to Butha-Buthe. From there we figured it wouldn't take long to catch another one to Mokhotlong and crash there for the night. Again, we were sadly mistaken. The ride took us first to Maputsoe, where we then had to get another combie to BB. Once there, no one was going to Makohotlong so we thought just take one to Muela and catch another there. WRONG!!! At Muela, there were NO taxis, so we walked along the road for a bit, flagging down cars to no avail. What we realized is that combis typically only pick people up at town points. By the time they pass us, they are completely full.

We then had a choice...find a place to camp by the road or make our way BACK to Butha-Buthe...we chose the latter. Back in town, we read in our Lonely Planet that there was a 'magical' hostel we MUST stay in for R30 a night. Ok. Well, first we couldn't find a taxi to take us the 4k to the place for under 100 rand. I was NOT about to pay that. We then started walking along the road to the place when a taxi said they would take us for R20. The road WAS shitty but still, R100? Once there we were greeted by an old woman who's only English was '100 Rand'. Well, I was a bit pissed cause that's a huge difference in price from what we thought it would be. When she showed us the room, I was even more pissed. No electricity, no running water, gas stove, latrines outside. Now listen, I'm not snobby or anything but if I am going to pay that much to stay somewhere, I at least want to take a shower.

We sat in the room for about 30 minutes trying to decide whether to hike back the 4k to town and find something else, or suck it up and stay. We sucked. Nick went and pumped some water to drink while I bucket-bathed. We then made some rice, took some fun pics (as you can see), had dinner and played some spite & malice. The next morning we walked into town (caught a free lift 1/2 way) and grabbed a combi to Mokhotlong. It was a LONG day. Once there, we tried to find a bus to Sani Top Pass. We discovered that NO one goes there, only some people pass through on the way to Underberg. They charged the same fare for dropping us at Sani as they did if we went all the way through. CHEATERS!!! lol.

The 50k trip from M to Sani was like a rollercoaster ride. Dirt road, hardly room for one let alone 2 cars to pass one another and our driver was going about 90k an hour. When a local woman on the bus starts gasping with shock at how close we are coming to the edge of the drop off, you know it's a rough ride.

Upon arrival to Sani Pass we were greeted with one of the greatest views I've had yet. We were actually ABOVE the clouds...looking down on them!!! It was beyond breathtaking.

We spent Christmas here, at the Highest Pub in Africa and even met a guy who looked JUST Like Santa on that afternoon. Guess we know what he does after a long night! We met an Italian guy, Franco, who is spending a 2 months backpacking around southern Africa and he hung out with us there and has since followed us to Durban. Though it was my 3rd Christmas away from home and yes, I laid in bed Christmas eve listening to music on my IPOD and tearing up, I was happy to be in such a beautiful place. It was very cold and we found ourselves in front of a fireplace, playing cards on the special day. Not much different than if I was home...to be honest.

The day after Christmas, we were heading down the pass. Unbeknownst to us, it was yet another African holiday (Family Day) and NO one, NO combis, were heading down. We were forced to actually HIKE down the 8k of winding road. It was rough and I think the 3 of us kept hoping that someone would eventually come along and find space for us. Only 1 car in 2 hours and it happened to be Santa (lol) who had no room in his sleigh. At the base, we went through the check point to SA, hung around in the shade of a willow tree until we caught a ride to Underberg with some Afrikaaners.

Once there, we treated ourselve to a real lunch at the Lemon Tree restaurant, then walked to the combi rink. We waited there about 30 minutes before catching one to Pietermaritzberg. There, we caught a ride to Durban. A VERY long day and though Nick and I have sworn to not travel more than 5 hours or 250k per day, we ended up doing it again.

In town, we made our way to Banana Backpackers and settled in for the night. We will be here until tomorrow morning where we'll make our way to St. Lucia for a day or two. It's dreary and overcast but I am happy to be by the ocean.

From St. Lucia we will make our way through Swaziland and up to Maputo for New Years and my birthday. I hope to keep you guys updated for frequently but it just depends on my internet access. We will be in Moz for about 2 weeks where we will catch up with Eric, Natalie and Heather and make our way to Malawi and then Zanzibar via Tanzania.

Peace!

Dave PS. I have posted TONS of pics on FACEBOOK, so check em' out!!!

Wednesday, October 28 - Friday, November 13:

The rest of this week was spent getting excited about Halloween. It was everything I had hoped for. Great fun with the other PCVs. Sarah and I went as off duty, naked calendar models but after a few hours it was just her and I naked. That turned into other people getting naked. It was quite fun. Also, Shimon arrived in Rundu that day. He had planned on coming to visit me at site for a few months but things kept getting in the way.

The week here with him was great. I ate better than I had in a long time and it was good just to have someone around to talk to and bounce some stuff off. As I wind down my time here and the ‘reflection’ starts, I find myself leaning…ever so slightly, into that self berating thing that I am so good at. Fortunately, 2 years in the bush has taught me some things and I don’t stay in that place very long. It also helped that Shimon tends to be a caregiver and is continually lifting me up. Perfect timing with the visit.

Shimon left this past Sunday and this was a week of finalizing things. Tuesday and Wednesday were my last OVC classes. I then went to Nkurenkuru on Thursday in order to exchange some ‘sizes’ things from the OVC points and also see how much more money I had to spend for the bookmark project. My friends really outdid themselves and I have to find a way to leave the money with someone here in Mpungu so that their school fees can be paid for the next few years. Maybe Miss Shivute?

I ended up spending another 3,000 Rand and buying sweaters to go with the school uniforms, more soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, deodorant, file folders and some sweets. Once back here, I spent a few hours organizing everything and moving it to the room where I will distribute tomorrow morning. It’s going to be a blast, I just want to make sure I get enough photos and video of all the kids so I can make a slideshow to send home. This project has been my favorite of anything I’ve done and though it’s not the most sustainable (except for the 3 years of school fees), it will still leave a lasting impression on the OVCs that participated in it.

Saturday, November 14 - Thursday, November 19:

The day I had been waiting for, for quite some time was finally here. Today I was distributing all the stuff that was purchased with the bookmark project monies. Of course, the kids showed up like 2 hours early. I had the morning completely mapped out and had made some last minute changes to the itinerary the night before.

We first all got together and I showed them pictures of people that had bought their bookmarks. Some of them even recognized their own handy work. I also read a personal letter from a women who had bought one from Mbundu, Joanna. We then took a group photo. I then passed out the uniforms, got individual pics, and had them go change. We then took some group photos and some individual fun ones. I then recorded if some needed different sizes. Out of all the shopping I did, I only had to exchange 3 pairs of shoes and 1 skirt. Pretty damn good if you ask me.

I then had them make thank you cards for Unity since they raised the most money. It would have been too labor intensive to have them each make cards for each person who helped in the project. I am making photo slide shows on DVDs to send back to everyone. I just wanted to do something extra special for the church. When finished, I acted as if we were through and I said goodbye. It took a moment for someone to ask about bookbags. I said, what bookbags? Lol. I then presented the bags and made them wait until everyone had theirs before opening them. When they opened, they went crazy. It seriously was like their first Christmas. They had never in their lives received so much stuff AND at one time. Their reactions were priceless.

I then took more photos and individual videos of them saying thank you. The videos didn’t turn out as well as I had hoped. Once again, I said we were finished and as they started to walk away, I said NOT YET. I then presented them with the blankets and they lost it once again. This time, I lost it as well. Their excitement really choked up me.

The rest of the day I relaxed and got read for the movie at the school. My hope was to make around 150 bucks to ‘refuel’ the feeding program monies. Well, it was a bust - for whatever reason. We only had about 30 kids show up and spent most of the night fighting to keep them from sneaking in. Almost not worth the trip.

Sunday I chilled and as expected, answered the door many times to people stopping buy asking for stuff for themselves or their child. I knew it would happen after Saturday and I purposely waited to as close to me leaving as possible. It’s fine. Pretty low key day besides that. Oh, I did also start packing - taking everything off the walls, going through papers, throwing things away, deciding what was going to be shipped home. It was such a purge.

Monday I hiked to Nkurekuru to exchange the final stuff and buy food for the party on Wednesday. It took much longer than usual to get a hike back. I came back and did some more cleaning on the flat. Also, the boys stopped by. They’ve been doing it everyday for the last few weeks. It’s been nice but occasionally I just want to be in my own space.

Tuesday I baked the strawberry chocolate chip cookies for the party and organized the games for the day. They were going to play around 10 games and earn points. Then, from highest to lowest, they would pick from prizes - the prizes being all my leftover shit, lol. The boys came by of course but I had to ward them off.

Wednesday kids showed up about 3 hours too early for the party. It made me laugh. Then of course, I kept seeing the storm clouds roll in. it has only rained a few times this season and wouldn’t ya know it, it comes POURING down exactly at 1:00 when the party was going to start. It all worked out though. When it let up a little I transferred the food over to the room, Yvonne helped me serve everyone and they loved it. Fried chicken, rice, pasta, NIK-NAKs, cookies and soda. Many had gotten used to my parties and brought containers for leftovers.

After eating, the rain had let up a bit and we went outside to start the games. They had a BLAST. We had water balloon toss, egg in spoon race, fill the jar race, a balloon relay, match 5, pick an egg. It was so much fun. The rain ended up coming back but that didn’t dampen their spirits. We got soaked and laughed our way through it.

Once points were tallied, everyone picked their prizes and seemed happy. I then presented each of them with one of my fused glass necklaces and a laminated photo of myself with my address and email in the states. I made a speech about how much each of them meant to me and what I got out of the OVC group. They then said they wanted to sing me a song. Well, that did it. I just started sobbing. I kept trying to hold it back but I couldn’t. I’m sure it was one of the most interesting cultural exchanges they’ve ever had, lol. The boys were sort of embarrassed and wouldn’t look me in the eye. The girls were fascinated by my crying and just kept staring as they were singing. When it was all over I requested a hug from each of them and they left. The last girl to leave was Katoma, Elizabeth. She is the youngest and smallest girl in the group. She walked back over to me and said goodbye and hugged me again. It was amazing. Bliss.

I sat there in the room for a few minutes by myself just letting out all the tears and emotion. I knew the boys were waiting for me just outside the door. They honored me but not saying anything and allowing me to have my space. It was a good ‘letting go’.

Today I’ve just been doing dishes, cleaning the old room, finishing up last minute typing of reports for the clinic, printing out Lonely Planet documents for the upcoming trip and watching movies with the boys. Jafet stopped by and decided to take it upon himself to steal 2 large rubber erasers. I could see him doing it out of the corner of my eye - he was being so sly getting them into his pants. I knew the perfect way to catch him and ‘punish’ him. I waited for a bit - actually longer than a bit because I got a call from the states. But I grabbed him jokingly and held him upside down. The erasers of course fell out and he was caught. I asked him why he would steal from me and he kept denying it and saying they were his. I took off his pants and underwear and locked him outside my front door. It initially was quite funny because he was laughing and SO embarrassed. But as the minutes wore on and he realized he wasn’t getting his clothes back, the laughter turned to tears. Well, I could only handle so much of that. Finally, I relented and gave him his clothes, but I did tell him he wasn’t allowed back in my house. We’ll see how long that lasts…

Friday, November 20 to Saturday, November 28:

Friday I held the last movie at the church. I decided it would be a free one - what the hell. Saturday was our final HIV event that I was going to be a part of. It went well but we didn’t have the attendance we had hoped. Afterwards I said my goodbye to the group. It wasn’t nearly as emiotional as saying goodbye to the kids. I think the adults were mainly waiting for me to give them something - how Namibian. That evening was supposed to be the second attempt at my going away party at the clinic. It was cancelled once again. Oh well. I hung out with the boys.

Sunday, I went to church to say goodbye. It as well was uneventful. I said all the things I wanted to say but then the pastor came later to inform me of the things I SHOULD have said, lol. Sunday I spent finishing up packing and cleaning. The boys hung out most of the day. That evening I cooked dinner for Ruben and I and we hung out.

The day I left wasn’t as emotional as I thought. A few people stopped by to say goodbye and see me one last time. My ride to Nkurenkuru fell through twice and I ended up having to find my own. The strangest - yet most intimate - goodbye was when Ruben left. We were hugging and he wouldn’t let go. He kept telling me how much I meant to him and how much he would miss me. Then he leaned in and kissed me. Passionately! It wasn’t just a kiss on the cheek. I responded in kind and we macked for about 15 minutes. No words were spoken. I was a bit confused but the kiss felt good and right so I just kept going. I’m not sure if it was his way of coming out to me or maybe he figured me out and thought it was what I needed to say goodbye. I just don’t know. But, do I really need to?

Monday night was spent in Nkurenkuru with the Stephens and Sarah. It was really nice. Didn’t sleep that much that night and got up early the next day for the long haul to Windhoek. It took about 9 hours because of various stops. I arrived at Shimon’s around 4:30, exhausted and wiped out. I showered, had dinner and slept.

The last couple of days have been running around accomplishing PC stuff. Exit interviews, closing bank accounts, paperwork, etc. I did manage to get everything done in 2 days, so officially I am done with PC service. Unfortunately I am still stuck here until the 3rd which is my COS date and then stuck here until the 9th cause that’s when the next big leg begins. I won’t be updating my blog because I won’t have my computer. I will be forced to handwrite in my journal…what the hell? Lol

Sunday, November 29 to Sunday, December 6:

The past week has just been hanging in Windhoek, gathering a few visas from embassies and saying goodbye to PCVs. This past weekend, Nick and I went to Mariental to spend some time talking about the trip with Eric. It’s f’n hot there! I’m so glad I was not stationed in the south. We are back in Windhoek until Wednesday and then the journey begins. Not sure how often I will be able to log on and update you guys, but I will try my best. For now, this is me, signing off.

My mind is no where NEAR what it used to be after melting in the African sun. I honesly can't believe I haven't posted since June!!! Like I said, what the f? Well, here goes...

Friday, May 29 - Wednesday, June 10:

The past few weeks have been a lot of the same ol’ same ol’. I finally released all the stress around our garden. I gave up all control to them. I explained that for a year we have been trying to get a garden going but no one has taken ownership. Everyone comes up with excuses when it comes time to water. From now on, those interested in being a part of the garden, will have their own individual plots. Thus, if they don’t water and care for their plots and the crop dies, they don’t get any more seeds. The highlight of the past few weeks was being able to fly a kite. That sounds silly, eh? I had been sent 2 great kites from my friend Peter and never had a day with a good wind to get it off the group. The other day it was gusty and perfect. The best part about it, was that a Sans man happened to walk by and was mesmerized by the whole thing. I gave him the string and let him control it. His eyes lit up and his smile broadened. I will never take the phrase ‘go fly a kite’ lightly again.

Thursday, June 11 - Tuesday, June23:

Monotony…routine… As I close in on 5 remaining months, I find myself running out of things to do. Between now and August, I must release control over my main projects and slip into a supportive role for my last 3 months. I need to make sure they are running on their own without any help from me. That everyone is thinking for themselves. That also means that the last 3 months will be REALLY boring. I have decided to finish the Rukwangali dictionary that I started last year AND seeing that yesterday a bulldozer knocked down a couple dead trees AND the building we had started demolishing a year ago, I’ve decided that I will re-visit my clinic beautification project.

As things start to come down to the wire, I have - a few times - gone to that dark, comparing, ‘did I do everything I could’, ‘I’m such a failure’ place. I quickly sms’ed some friends and they brought me out quickly. I refuse to leave here thinking I didn’t do enough or should have done something better. I have done everything to the best of my ability and the lives of these people are changed because of it. I have faith in that. I NEED to have faith in that.

Wednesday, June 24 - Monday, July 13:

It’s really that my life hasn’t become so busy that I cannot keep up with my journaling. Seriously. That’s not it. It’s more that this is just my life now and the things that used to ‘stand out’ in a given day or make life more interesting are now just a part of the ordinary. From time to time, small things occur that remind me that I’m actually living in Africa and I can’t just get in my car and drive to Wendy’s for a frosty.

I will mention something that struck me a few weeks…well, actually about a month ago. During NID (National Immunization Days) I helped out at the clinic keeping statistics and paperwork. I also took sweets with me and whenever it was time for a child to get a shot, I gave them candy. At one point I look up at the line of children waiting their turn and I see the cutest, most adorable little girl. She sees me and I smile big and her eyes twinkle and she smiles so big she has to close her eyes. She then turns her head into her mother’s dress to hide from embarrassment. This little girl is from a nearby San community. This little girl has Down’s Syndrome. It was so apparent to me. She lit up my WHOLE day! We played and joked with one another the entire time she was waiting and then she was gone.

I spent the rest of the day in such a funk. The realization of the life this little girl has ahead of her made me so incredibly sad. She already is living in one of the poorest communities within one of the poorest African countries. She then has a mental disability to boot. I’m sure her mother sees there is something different about her, but there is NO way she understands what it is or even if it was explained, would grasp the special attention this girl is going to need.

I had watched her mother - with all 4 children in tow - walk away from the clinic. She was treating the little girl like a piece of dirt on her dress. To her, she just has a daughter that doesn’t listen to what she says and is just a nuisance. I know the way things work here. This little girl is going to be ‘discarded’ emotionally. Her parents will continue to be frustrated with her and ignore her as she doesn’t advance like their other kids. People will get drunk and make fun of her. When she becomes a teenager and her body develops, she will become a target for some drunk fuck and she will be raped.

I realize how that sounds. It sounds as if I’m a pessimist and just seeing the absolute worst scenario I could possibly imagine. But the reality, is that it’s NOT far from the truth. This will be her life.

I’ve seen her a couple of times since then. I always drop what I’m doing and go to her and she raises her little hands for me to pick up. She just stares at me and smiles and touches my face with her filthy little fingers. I am falling in love with this little girl. I want to just pluck her up from her current reality and give her a better life. I realize when most people do this or consider doing this by adopting children from 3rd world countries, that it’s SUCH an American ego thing to do. Who are WE to decide that what we can give a child is ‘better’. Better than what? It’s US doing the comparison of our lives in the states to their lives in their own countries. BUT!!!!!!! I do have to say. In this particular case. I can’t imagine that anything I could give this child would be worse than the life she has ahead of her.

When I see things like this, it makes me question the existence of God. I consider myself a spiritual person and have always believed there is a higher power - call it whatever you want. Not a guy with a book and a #2 pencil, but a power just the same. I’ve also always believed that this power is all loving, just, tender and kind. But….how does something like this situation fit into the scheme of the world? How can the majority of the world go about it’s daily life, when THIS is going on in the world at the same time? It just confuses me.

Tuesday, July 14 - Saturday, July 18:

I’m sitting here, Saturday night, waiting for my vegetables to finish roasting and then settling in for dinner and a movie. Sounds like I’m back in the states actually. I’m having one of those moments where the weight of my experience here is weighing heavily down on me.

Have I done enough? Could I have done what I DID do better? Could I still do more? What will happen after I leave? Have I learned what I came here to? Do I have more growing to do? Oddly enough, I’ve been thinking about Mark. Not in the since that I am deeply missing him. I do miss him. More in the sense of thinking about our relationship. Heck, I’m actually thinking about ALL my past relationships. So new questions arise…why am I afraid to love? Afraid to accept love from someone else? Why is my self-esteem and worth so low? What can I do to change those things? AND…while I ponder those questions…revelations come forth. I am a strong, confident man. Secure in himself, his decisions, his actions…his life. Sort of a dichotomy.

I have promised myself that when I finish my PC service and return home, that I’m going to do and approach things very differently - ESPECIALLY relationships. I think back to the men I’ve dated and the majority of them REALLY, TRULY loved me. Loved me with all their heart. I’ve had A LOT of love thrown my way in my life. And for the most part, I’ve rejected it. I know most of the reasons why and I don’t want to rehash the same old shit. I just want to move forward. How does one do that? If I’ve learned from my past, how do I put it aside and move forward? Is it always something will just be hanging around - like the 3 people Russell Crowe kept seeing in ‘A Beautiful Mind’? Is that what our past is? Ghosts. Ghosts that haunt us until we die? Is it more about not giving them the power they used to have over us than it is about completely eliminating them?

I deserve love and happiness, just like everyone else. I do believe that. More so these days than ever before.

I guess I’m just trying to get to a place emotionally so that when I leave Mpungu Vlei on November 27, 2009 that I walk away crying with a smile on my face. Knowing with my whole heart that I did what I came here to do. Knowing that myself and those I leave behind have been touched by my presence here. Knowing that I did my best. Knowing that I leave behind many demons that I trampled in the isolation. Knowing that I am a stronger, more confident, more secure man that I was when I arrived. Knowing that I will return to the States a changed person. Knowing that I can give and receive love. Knowing that whatever lies ahead of me is going to be an amazing, powerful adventure. Knowing that I know….that I know.

Sunday, July 19 - Monday, July 27:

Couple highlights of the past week. First, and the best, is that Hogan now loves riding on my shoulders. You would think this would be a pretty standard place to put children under the age of 3. What I’ve discovered is that in Namibia, it is not. Just about everyone just laughs out loud when they see him and I walking around. The best part, is that when they laugh, he laughs. He has also decided that my head makes the perfect drum and just screams with delight as he bangs on it with his hands.

The other, and well I guess this is more of a low point, than a highlight…but it sticks out just the same. I’ve talked about the feeding program that we have been trying to get off the ground for a few months now. So far, it’s running smooth. We do come across snags from time to time and have worked through them. One of the biggest snags is that the managing catering company that ‘runs’ the kitchen keeps placing enforcing all these new rules. That’s fine. Cleanliness is important. Problem is, is that Lyambezi doesn’t monitor the actual kitchen staff when the company isn’t around and so when I try to enforce the rules with the 2 ladies running the feeding program, I get flack.

Well, I finally talked to them and said, no matter what anyone else does, let’s set the example. We don’t want to be kicked out for something stupid. They understood. And they have been. Well, yesterday, the head guy was here. Lyambezi informed me that we could no longer use the kitchen? When asked why, he said we weren’t following the rules. I was furious. I explained to him that we were. He had an idea to move the gas stove to another area so we wouldn’t be IN the kitchen.

He started talking to the manager again. I waited for a low point in the conversation to stand up for my women. I had only said a few words when the man started yelling at me and trying to make me feel like an ass. ‘Who are you to talk to me this way? I don’t even know you? You need to learn how things are done here! Don’t talk to me’. And other things. Also, never even acknowledging me or looking me in the face. Well…anyone who knows me KNOWS I don’t like confrontation like this and whe it happens, something in me snaps and I can’t keep my mouth shut. It took ALL MY CONTROL to not lash out at him. But…I swallowed my pride, kissed his ass for several minutes and resolved the issue. The issue was resolved in a few sentences which if he would have just listened to me from the get go, could have saved me feeling like shit. I have to say…it’s times like this I just want to give Namibia the finger and walk away. It’s times like this that my ego jumps in and says ‘HEY, I came 9,000 miles and gave up 2 years of my life to help this country out and this is how you treat me in return?’. I realize it’s a childish place to retreat to, but I’m only human and being so, I allow myself to go to those places from time to time - at least until I evolve to a place where I no longer need to. When will that be by the way?

Tuesday, July 28 - Sunday , August 16:

I am absolutely blown away at how fast time is moving here. I blink and 2 weeks have passed. Things have been going very well. A small hiccup from time to time, but otherwise, smooth. We finally got the projector back and the theater is up and running again, so that’s great! The big news is how the next 30 days of my life is going to go.

Tuesday, is our end of term OVC party, so I will be cooking most of the day tomorrow for that. I already backed one cake today. Wednesday I will pack and clean and prepare to depart Thursday. When Damien finishes school, we will travel to Rundu for the night, then head to the Cheetah Conservation Fund on Friday. We are going to spend the weekend monitoring cheetahs - and hopefully feeding some babies. I’m MORE excited for Damien having this experience than myself.

Sunday we will hike back to Rundu where I will put him on a bakki heading back to Mpungu. I will remain to prepare for teaching an HIV workshop the entire next week. The workshop ends on Friday and then I head to Ovamboland for holiday. My holiday will end in Windhoek on September 7 because I have my COS conference with PC on the 8th and 9th. On the 10th, Dar and I will head to the Okavango Delta in Botswana for a few days as I make my way back north. Once back in Namibia, I will stay in Divundu for a weeklong micro-garden workshop. I have to arrange transport in the next few days for the 3 colleagues of mine from Mpungu that will be meeting me there. That training ends on the 18th of September. My fear, is that the EWA conference that has been postponed since June, will then start on the 18th, which means I have to try and get the 4 learners from Mpungu to Rundu on the last day of the workshop that I’m attending in Divundu. Whew. I’m tired just thinking about it. I know it will all work out it’s just scary to think how packed the next 4 weeks are. Once I return to site, I have 2 months left. 2 months! Whew again.

Monday, August 17 - Sunday, August 23:

This past week has been very busy getting ready to leave on Thursday with Damien. I spent the rest of Sunday baking one of the orange cakes and then Monday baking the other and cooking the lentil curry and pasta salad for the OVC Party on Tuesday. Tuesday rolled around and it was exhausting and yet the most fun I’ve had in quite some time. We had a water balloon toss, played a Rukwangali version of Pictionary that I made and ate and watched a movie. The kids had a blast!

Wednesday was a day of tying up loose ends. I tried to make sure everything was set - the movie theater, the feeding program, etc - to run smoothly while I was gone. With everything in order, I felt comfortable leaving for a month.

Thursday, I finished packing and waited for Damien to get done with his exams at school so we could head to the hike point. Around 9:30 he arrived, we loaded up and headed out. Within a few minutes of just walking on the road, we snagged a ride to Nepara. Within moments of there, we caught a ride to Nkurenkuru. I was very excited for Damien to be with me because that was as far as he’s ever been his whole life.

Once we were on our hike to Rundu, it was great fun watching him watch everything! He’d never even seen a tarred road before. Once there, we dropped our stuff off at the TRC and then walked into town to get him some lunch. He was taking everything in. We ate and then bought some groceries for the hike the next day. I’ve been worried about trying to free hike with him - not sure how it was going to work. We ran into Rachel and Caleb who, we found out, had a ride to Groot the next day and the ride was going all the way to Windhoek, so Damien and I were set for Otjiworongo.

Friday, we arrived there fairly quick and met up with Rachel and Kami who were also doing the waterhole count. We hung around Otji for a few hours until Nick and the staff came to pick us up. We made it out to the Conservation just as it got dark, were treated to a great dinner and then some instructions for the next day. They we were taken to the camp to sleep.

Saturday, we were up very early in order to be transported to our particular waterhole. The place where Damien and I were going to be for the next 12 hours was the first stop. We made ourselves comfortable in our little building and began the wait. It wasn’t long before the first few foxes showed up. This was followed by warthogs. At first the warthogs were sort of interesting but throughout the day, and after a couple thousand of them arriving, they became old news.

The day was filled with surprises for both Damien and I. We saw a whole herd of Oryx - which are my favorite animal in the country. They are beautiful. We then saw some zebra and a few giraffes stopped by. They were the first Damien had ever seen. More than seeing the animals, I enjoyed spending the time with Damien. One on one - he and I spent a lot of time talking and he was very good at spotting the animals and letting me know what sex they were. I was disappointed that he didn’t get to see any cheetahs cause it’s all he talked about.

After 12 hours - which actually FLEW by, we were picked up and taken back to the main house where dinner was waiting. After a quick review of the day, we all crashed. Sunday, after breakfast, they took us on a brief tour of the place including getting to see a ‘running’ of the cheetahs. The younger ones were not allowed to go in because cheetahs can sense youth and because very aggressive - seeing them as prey. When we walked by the cages, I noticed one of the cheetahs keeping an eye on Damien so I was glad they pulled him out. It was still very thrilling for him to see them so close.

Afterwards, Nick had us stay around because he had something extra special for the PC group. We got to return to the pen with them and hang out a bit - petting them and having our pictures taken. Though I had done that before, it was still quite fun. When finished with that, Nick presented us with certificates and T-shirts for the 2 learners that came. Though Damien was overwhelmed and somewhat shy, I could tell he had a really good time over the past few days. We were then transported to Otjiworongo to hike back to Rundu. We got a lift really quick when we ran into Kerri on her way back from dropping off Cedar. We arrived too late for me to get Damien a ride back to Mpungu, so we just decided to send him back on Monday.

Monday, August 24 - Saturday, September 12:

I got up early wand walked Damien to the bakki ring, gave him money for the hike and said goodbye. I then went to the TRC to plan the first day of the HIV workshop. Though I was nervous about it, I was also excited because I was challenging myself. I’m glad I haven’t done a lot of workshops since I’ve been here because for me, they are quite boring…but this one was going to be fun.

The next week was spent about the same every day. The morning working on the plan for that afternoon, then spending 2 hours in the classroom with the group. They were a good group and after a few days, we had found our groove. The class went well and I was somewhat impressed with myself that I was able to sort of, pull it out of my ass.

Having not talked to Sarah about her specific plans, I was unaware that she and her cousin from England who was visiting, were heading to Oshikati on the back road. I had planned on hiking down on Monday, after spending the weekend with Kami at the Buffalo Game Park. I quickly changed my plan (for sake of a free ride) and switched my afternoon session with a morning one so I could hike back to Nkurenkuru and ride with them on Saturday.

It was fun to finally see that strip of road that I had stared at on the map for the last 2 years. I had been trying to get in touch with my friend Kris for the past few weeks - to no avail, so I was smsing Kengo and made plans to stay with him in Odangwa. At the last minute, Kris phoned and asked me to PLEASE stop by with the girls. We did and she had a little lunch set out for us. After eating, the girls left and I stayed with Kris. It was awesome to catch up with her. After some discussion, it was decided that I would borrow her car for the remainder of my trip, because she needed her car to be in Windhoek in the next few weeks.

Sunday we went to ‘Benny’s’ Park which was like a waterpark - pool, slide, animals in cages. It was sort of tacky beyond all belief and yet I hadn’t seen anything like it since being here…so I enjoyed it. Monday, I hiked to Opuwo via Ruacana, to spend a day or 2 with Obie and see the Hemba. I was a long day and yet very interesting one. At one point I was picked up by an Indian guy who took me to his shop for an easier hike. He introduced me to a Cuban guy who could give me a lift and while standing around talking, a Pakistani came up and joined the conversation. The Indian guy then made a comment about how we were all from different parts of the world - some parts that didn’t get along with others - and yet here we were all far from home, having a conversation and getting along. The Cuban then said that it was the governments that fight, not the people. It was a very cool 5 minutes.

By dusk I had made it to Opuwo - passing the Diversity bus along the way. Opuwo is a very touristy place because of the traditional Hemba. I took a bucket bath because the water was off at the house and settled in for the night. The next day I went out exploring while Obie worked. I ended up sitting for a few hours outside the grocery store talking to some street kids. They hung out there and offered to watch people’s cars for a dollar. They were trying to convince me that they used the money to support their families but as I watch and commented to them, whenever they got a few bucks, it would quickly be spent on sweets and biscuits. I think what they really need is attention…much more than money. If I did a full 2 years of PC again, I would HAVE to be at an orphanage or working specifically with kids. That’s where my heart is. Maybe that’s where I’ll look for a job back in the states.

That night Obie and I walked up the hill to a nice lodge to have a beer and watch the sunset. The next morning I got up early to catch a hike back to Oshikati. I got one right away with the mayor of Opuwo and within a few hours, was back at Kris’s. I did some laundry, worked out, had lunch and chilled waiting for her to get back from Tsumeb with her car. We chillaxed the remainder of the day and the next I took off to Etosha. It was a little nerve wracking driving at first - not having driven in almost 2 years AND driving with the steering wheel on a different side AND on a different side of the road. After about an hour, I relaxed and it because old hat.

Entering Etosha was breathtaking. I had done a safari before - when I first got to Namibia - but it was much different driving through a game park at your own pace. I quickly saw Zebra and Oryx and many other antelope type animals. I stopped at the main lodge for petrol to discover they were out of unleaded. I was told I could use that leaded and it would be fine. I only filled up a little. For the next several hours I wound my way through the park. Seeing herds of giraffe walking along the plains was brilliant. By the end of the day when I had given up hope seeing elephants or rhinos, I came upon a water hole were 8 large packiderms were hanging out. Wow. Sitting there in the car, just watching these magnificent animals drink and play. The trip was made! At one point it looked as though 2 might actually be courting one another. When the one got an erection, it was quite funny to the crowd of people that had gathered.

I made my way to Outjo by nightfall and took a room at a guesthouse. It’s been such a sense of freedom driving my own car today. Having to rely on other people for the past 2 years for rides to everywhere, you sort of loose your sense of self. This was the first time I’d felt really ‘in control’ of my life in FAR too long. It was brilliant.

The next day I filled up the car and headed to the Skeleton Coast. I stopped by the entrance to the petrified forest and bought some crafts. As I continued my journal westward there were fewer and fewer people and the landscape became ‘Mars’ like. It was beautiful. Upon entering Skeleton Coast Park, it became even more beautiful. The mountains replaced by large sand dune and the temperature dropping at least 10 degrees. I became concerned that I might run out of gas and be stuck here in the middle of nowhere. The man at the gate assured me I could purchase petrol at Mile 108. Once I got there and asked if they had it, they said they did. They then informed me that there was no electricity so they couldn’t pump it. Lol. So I’m thinking I’m screwed. The attendant (who was living in a place that reminded me of the Martian Chronicles), said that Cape Cross lodge carried petrol and they were 40k away. I got in my car and prayed. The marker was right above the E. Could I make it? Let’s see. I drove quickly, counting the miles as I went. Just as the petrol light came on, I saw the entrance to the lodge. I pulled in with great relief.

Once there, I discovered that they charge DOUBLE for petrol what a regular station does. I was furious and yet laughing the whole time. I even told they guy how clever it was that they do that - SCREW people who are in dire situations. He just laughed, not understanding that I was slamming him in the process. At 14 dollars a liter, I could only buy 5 - hoping that was enough to get me 50k to Hentie’s Baai. It was.

Outside of the concern about running out of gas, the drive was amazing. It was some of the most beautiful parts of the country I had seen yet. And seriously…if they faked the lunar landing of the 60s…they did it here!

I arrived in Swakopmund later that day and crashed at my friend Denver’s. The next day I met up with some other PCVs staying there and we drove to Walvis Bay to see and climb Dune 7. Though it’s not the biggest Dune in Namibia (or the world for that matter), it is one of the most famous. It was exhausting! Trying to make it to the top. I felt so out of shape. When we did make it, the views were spectacular.

That night we had sushi and I crashed on the floor. NOT the most comfortable and restful sleep I’ve had, I will say. The next day people were leaving and I had planned on heading back to Windhoek to hang with Shimon for a day. I was quickly talked into staying in Usakos because some Japanese volunteers were going to teach us how to make sushi. How can one pass that up? It ended up being another amazing night of cultural diversity. The JIKA volunteers were amazing and hell, I learned to make sushi. I cannot wait to try doing it on my own.

The next morning, Chris, Eric, Nick and I headed to Windhoek. We decided to stop by Okahandja and say hello to the newest group (Group 30) who had just arrived a few weeks earlier. We were scolded later by PC for just ‘stopping by’ which I felt was absurd. I then drove to Windhoek and dropped them at the PC office with the bags while I returned the car. It ended up all working out that we made the movie ‘District 9’ without a hitch. The movie was great and I think even more so because we understand apartheid and ‘locations’ more so from living here.

The next 2 days were spent at the Safari Hotel for COS conference. It was a lot of paperwork, a lot of contemplation and a lot of food. Each meal was an all you can eat buffet Of course we went crazy but at the same time, I felt guilty. I am vowing not to eat at those type of places upon returning to the states. Time was also spent gathering new media for the next few months at site. Wow…’few months at site’. Seems weird that it’s finally down to that.

Sarah and I stayed in Windhoek for an extra day for different reasons and I saw another movie. Yesterday we hiked back to Rundu (it feels very good to be back in the north). I forgot to mention that from Swakopmund to Windhoek I was sick. Stuffed up and coughing. The first time I’d been sick this entire time. Only now and I starting to feel better.

I’m ready to be home (at site) and finish my final months here. There’s a lot to be done - in preparation for leaving - and I need to emotionally get myself ready. There are many things I’m going to miss about Namibia and sure, many things I won’t. Overall, I’m going to miss my OVCs. I’ve grown very attached to them and they me.

Sunday, September 13 - Sunday, September 20:

Well…this first week back to site has been hellish and probably the worst since I’ve been here - with it hitting it’s crescendo on Thursday morning. Here goes…

Not sure if I had mentioned that while I was gone there was a problem with people being able to access the garden tools because VCT Fanuel had kept the key. Also, my supervisor took a teaching position at the teacher’s college in Rundu and left Mpungu. So I come back knowing I have to face Fanuel AND do it alone…sort of.

So, Monday I go to his office to ask about some things and he lays into me. Starts accusing me of all sorts of things and lying about things that he hasn’t done that I know he has. What made it more frustrating is that I had no support in the matter. Lyambezi is gone and Elizabeth, the new supervisor, was in Rundu all week. Fanuel was telling me he wouldn’t give me the money from the past event, telling me he wouldn’t tell me who won the suitcase from the drawing (someone had told me HE took it home) and our conversation just ended in a stalemate. He also wanted me to provide proof of the deposits that I was making on behalf of Veronica’s loan payment - it became obvious quickly to me that he was taking advantage of Lyambezi not being here. He was trying to get everything he could - a suitcase, get out of paying me money his wife owes me and God knows what else.

So the meat of the week I did nothing. I wasn’t supposed to be here because of the garden training, but it had been cancelled. So I wasn’t meeting with my OVCs. I asked Fanuel to make a radio announcement so that we could have a meeting on Thursday and discuss all these issues. On Thursday, no one showed. That didn’t surprise me at all but it was still irritating because I felt these things needed to be addressed quickly - before they got too out of hand. Fanuel did come to my house to tell me no one was showing up and he and I got into it. We went back and forth for about an hour. By the end, when he left, I was so emotionally drained. I just felt like ‘what the fuck?’. Everything I’ve done since I’ve been here has not been for me. It has been for the good of the people here and the community and to be accused of stealing or lying and letting people down? I was naked.

I decided very quickly that I needed to get away. I packed a bag and headed to the hike point - only to be picked up and quickly and taken for free (it was a sign). I wasn’t in the back of the bakki 15 minutes when I started laughing. I remember a conversation with God only weeks before where I complained about being insecure and not being able to stand up for myself. I told God that I was tired of living that way. That I had gone 40 years like that and enough was enough. Well, look what happened. I was given an opportunity where I needed to be VERY strong and completely defend myself ALONE, without any support. And guess what…I did. I stood there for an hour backing up everything I was saying and being true to myself - hence the reason I was laughing. I had asked for this opportunity and it was given to me. I was very thankful.

Once at Sarah’s we talked and she quickly helped me wash away the remainder of doubt still lingering in my head. She’s so GOOD for me. The next couple days were amazing with a birthday party at Selma’s and Catan and pizza with Rachel and Caleb. It was exactly what I needed and I returned Saturday refreshed and renewed.

At the theater, I apologized to MY Fanuel about the situation I had put him in. See, he was there during VCT Fanuel and I’s spat and there was a moment when VCT accused my Fanuel of not being able to be a part of the garden. Thus, Fanuel had to come clean about his status. I felt awful that he had been put in that situation and I hadn’t been able to steer the conversation a different way. Regardless, I felt the need to say I’m sorry. He was fine and he actually said it made him think that in order to feel good about himself, he needed to be more open about his status.

The next day, Sunday, Fanuel came to visit me and we had an amazing talk. He was having a serious dilemma about whether to open about being positive. It felt right and felt like the time and I came out to him. Telling him about my decision to talk openly about something that I had kept private. He was very cool about it and it made him really contemplate his decision. I don’t know what he will end up doing, but at least now he has an idea how to go about it and what might become of it later.

Monday, September 21 - Sunday, September 27:

This past week was a typical rollercoaster. The highlight was having the kids of the new VSOs come to speak to my younger OVC group. They LOVED having these highly energetic white kids hanging out with them. The kids put on a little presentation about Canada and their home town. It was awesome. I introduced paper mache to the older ones but made a mistake when I thought the balloons would last a week before putting another layer on. The heat of this place has caused them all to go flat, so we have to start all over next week - they will just have to come a few days in a row.

I also put out some of the fire with Fanuel by having a discussion with him and Elizabeth. I still don’t trust this guy but hell, I leave soon so I really don’t need to get stressed out about it. We still need to have a discussion with the main group (we just can’t get anyone to show up for the meetings) and I need a sit down with him and Veronica about the sewing business.

Friday I was going to show a movie at the school but was just tired and was invited to dinner with the newbies. I needed the break and anyways, it rained! It never rains this early. It made the evening very nice and cool. The newbies also called me to let me know they were in Rundu at the Forestry place and if I wanted them to bring me back some trees. See…remember when I was whining about wishing the others here would consider me more? I look back and think maybe I was just vulnerable from just arriving but honestly, I was just looking for a little consideration. So…of course, I LOVE these new guys. Canada isn’t that far from Cincy, is it? Lol

This weekend I spent alone, chilling out. I showed a movie Saturday night and played with Jafet and Sakeus today. Water fights ROCK! Had a small dilemma when Fanuel (my Fanuel) sms me from Rundu (he, Selma and Jesaya are on their way to a garden training in Divundu) to tell me the money I gave him for transport was stolen and he had no way of getting them to the training. I told him very sternly that it was HIS problem and they HAD to go. He figured it all out and they are on their way. Honestly?....I can’t wait to get out of here.

Monday, September 28 - Sunday, October 18:

I honestly hadn’t realized how long it had been since I’d written. My apologies. The 3 made it back from the garden training and they LOVED it. I just didn’t get to spend much time with them before taking off to Windhoek for the final time for medical stuff. The highlight of the last few weeks is this…I was very close to being administratively separated from PC - here’s why:

Remember back when I was on vacation and Kris gave me her car? Well, one of the PC rules is that we are not allowed to drive when not on approved leave. I get that. I messed up with when my vacation day ended and it became a travel day to the COS conference. Remember when we stopped by the training center to greet the newbies??? Well, that is what got me caught and also what saved me. I met with the temporary country director last Monday to discuss all of this. He was just and fair - even though the entire time I never thought I had done anything wrong. After 45 minutes in the hot seat, he informed me that he was not going to let me go but that I should be on my best behavior for the final 7 weeks. Feeling under-appreciated?? You betcha! I’ve spent the last 2 years of my life busting my hump here in my village and a simple mistake of miscalculating my vacation leave could get me booted out of the country? What the fuck??!?!?!

What I’ve discovered since then is even more shocking. I made a point about why wasn’t this handled with MY CD, Hannah Baldwin when I was in Windhoek for COS? He said it was because things take time and they have to get approval from DC. That’s fine. What I’ve heard floating around the rumor mill is that my APCD DID bring it up with Hannah and she being fair and just and well, just plain smart, squashed it. My APCD then proceeded to hold onto it in order to ‘try again’ with the new, temporary guy. How does she think I am supposed to feel about all of this? She has obviously gone out of her way to eliminate me. Well, not ME, per se, but she’s been dying to kick someone out. Here’s my main beef: what kind of message does this send to volunteers? You look to your APCD for support and yet you are getting policed in hopes of being used as an ‘example’.

It really infuriates me that people give up 2 years of their very comfortable lives to go abroad and try to give something back and yet they could be discarded so non-chalantly (spelling?) because of simple mistakes. Things are NOT black & white PC…the world we live in is VERY grey…get a clue.

Outside of that my medical stuff went well - no cavities or parasites. I was really itching for a parasite. On one hand I can say that I kicked Namibia’s ass and on the other, I have no sickness stories to brag about.

I have 37 days left. I have 37 days left and a shitload of work to do in a short amount of time. I am ready to leave but honestly, as I sat earlier and watched the sunset while brushing Efuta, I choked up a bit. I am going to miss this place and many of the people I have grown to love. The bullshit I won’t miss. Everything else…definitely.

On a completely different note, while in Windhoek last week, I discovered an ‘American’ food section at a local market. They had Mrs. Butterworth’s syrup, La Choy noodles, M&Ms, Mini-Wheats, Bush’s Baked Beans, Campbell’s soup and Hunt’s ketchup. I stood there for the longest time…tearing up. Time to get home? You betcha!

Monday, October 19 - Tuesday, October 27:

Well, the shit that was hitting the fan a few weeks back has sort of worked itself out while throwing some new shit in my face.

I think I have sifted through some of the turmoil with the VCT counselor. We seem to have an understanding. I still don’t think he’s the most trustworthy person, but all that aside, I need to have some faith and release some control. After I leave, I can’t do anything about what continues and what doesn’t. He paid the money he owed from the last event, took charge of the next one, we addressed the garden issues, organized the feeding program and he even sent the bike to be repaired.

The new shit, has to do with my buddy Fanuel and the bank he was a part of briefly earlier this year. Come to find out some serious money has disappeared and with all the finger pointing, he is being accused of the theft. I find it interesting that the one person I trust the most in this place, keeps getting into situations like this AND is one of the least trusted members of the community. He did confide in me that when he was younger, he was a rough kind of guy and was into drugs and has served time in jail. People tend to be unforgiving and definitely unFORGETTING here in Namibia. I believe that when they see him, they only see his past and he’s the first to be blamed for things going wrong. I tend to have the opposite view. The harder the life someone has had, I feel the stronger that person eventually becomes.

All that said, he has to go to Rundu in order to find work to come up with the money which means the theater is not going to run after I leave. If he comes up with the money before I leave and returns, we are fine, otherwise there isn’t anyone I trust enough to take it over. I’m not quite sure how to handle it. Also, with my NOT GREAT relationship with my APCD, I really have no one to talk to about it. I could give the new country director a try, I suppose.

Other than all of that, things are good. I am becoming very melancholy as the days wind down and at the same time, anxious for the final day to get here. It’s a weird feeling. I have a busy weekend ahead with 2 days of shopping for the OVC Bookmark Project, then a Halloween party with the other PCVs. Sarah and I are going as naked calendar models…how original. It should be a blast and it’s sort of our farewell since we aren’t going to make it to the Thanksgiving shindig. Once back from the weekend, time will really fly. I have 2 weeks of work, 1 week of packing up and saying goodbye and then I’m outa here. Weird.

I apologize that is has taken me so long to update my blog. The cell reception is my village has not been that great and frankly, there hasn't been too much to say, lol.

Tuesday, February 24 - Thursday, March 5:

Tuesday’s training was more of answering many questions. I tried to have a movie night that night but I don’t think many were interested.

Wednesday I got up early to hike north. Shimon, the guy currently running the center, walked with me to the road. We had become friends over the past few days and he wanted to see me off.

Once out of town I was picked up by a policeman going to Otjiwarongo. It was a pleasant ride and he introduced me to Lucky Dube - a reggae artist from South Africa. He dropped me at the Engin there and within 15 minutes a German guy named Olf picked me up to drop me in Otavi. We had an amazing conversation - he was so progressive in his thinking. He even asked me if I had ever heard of ‘The Secret’, lol.

After about 30 minutes he offered to take me all the way to Groot. He claimed he just hadn’t driven it in awhile and wanted to see it…I think he was just a good guy and wanted to take me as far north as feasibly possible. Once in Groot - at the Total - I warded off the combi drivers - many who recognized me and immediately said, ‘oh, you’re going to free hike, yes’. About an hour passed (and I began to dread the black hole that is Groot), when Oliver and Eva - two german tourists - gave me a lift to Rundu. What’s funny, is that when they stopped for me and I introduced myself (without my name), they said…’are you Chaz?’. I was like..what the hell! They recognized me from couch surfing and said they had thought about contacting me but weren’t initially planning on going this far north in Namibia. We talked a bit and then I fell asleep.

In Rundu I went to the TRC and tried to make arrangements for transport the following day back to my village. I wanted a truck so that I could get some more fruit trees for the clinic. It wasn’t going to work out this time, so I planned on just hiking. I found out later that day that Tina, one of our Caprivi kids was heading back to the states and was coming through Rundu the next night. I really needed to get back to site and have a day to prepare for the theater but I also wanted to say goodbye. I opted to stay another night in Rundu.

It so happened that Sarah was coming in for the same reason and Juice was on his way to Okahandja, so we had a great time sending Tina home. She will be missed.

The next morning, I got up early to get back to site as quickly as I could. Sarah was going to hike with me but then a learner from the combined school that Lindsey taught at, had lost his mother the day before and she stayed behind to console and help him make arrangements. I can’t even imagine being 17, the eldest, and having to deal with the loss of my mom AND make all the arrangements.

I got a hike very quickly to Nkurenkuru from a driver that recognized me. Once there, it took about 90 minutes before I landed one the rest of the way to Mpungu. The rest of the day was spent unpacking and getting things ready for the next day.

Saturday morning we had out HIV Awareness Event which went well as usual. I have noticed that the last few events, not many people from the community show up. I am very eager for our clinic to get rapid testing for HIV so that we can take our event down into the community, instead of having it at the clinic.

We had a great lunch - people were happy to get meat for lunch, lol - and then I want to put up hooks for the movie screen and test the projector and sound system. We were set to go. Sarah was supposed to arrive on Friday but because of helping Franz, she arrived later today. She cooked dinner while I went to set up for the big event. It was sort of hard to believe that after a year of ‘preparation’, that the theater was finally happening.

At 6:30 I was happy to look around and see many more people than I had originally planned! We had a great turn out and I almost teared up when the HIV+ members of our groups stood up to talk about their status. I hope we can make waves against the stigma in this village with this theater.

At the end of the movie, everyone clapped and they all said they enjoyed it very much. One tate said it was ‘sweet’, lol. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that on next Saturday, when we charge money, that people will show up.

Sarah left on Sunday and I spent the rest of the day chilling out. Monday came and went with me doing paperwork and preparing for the week ahead. Tuesday’s OVC group was great - I was able to give them teddy bears from Mother Bear and toothbrushes and toothpaste from Colgate. Later that day, two couch surfers - Jessica and Michael - arrived from the northwest side. I had originally thought they were from Italy. However, they were both American - though Jess had been living in Italy for the past year. They have traveled extensively and are making their way through Africa.

The next few days I had a blast hangin out with them and showing them a little of my village. They were perfect guests and it was awesome to have visitors. They talked at length about their travels and made it sound so easy. I cannot WAIT to travel when I finish here. Sometimes I think that I should if I had had the money, I should have travel for a couple of years instead of joining PC. I’m not saying I haven’t enjoyed my experience and continue to do so, I just think I was looking for an adventure more than I was a ‘purpose’…does that make sense?

In the midst of my life here, I’ve been reading ‘The 4 Agreements’. I’ve read it before and loved it but for some reason it has more meaning to me now. I’ve just finished reading and re-reading the chapter on ‘Be Impeccible with Your Word’. It talks about how harmful the words we use can be to others AND ourselves. I know that I’ve always been very self-critical, but it’s very easy for me to criticize myself in the form of a joke if I mess up in the presence of others. I need to stop doing that. I need to stop calling myself stupid. I need to stop reinforcing the idea that I don’t have good memory. I need to DEFINITELY stop reinforcing the idea that I ‘don’t know what I’m doing’ or ‘don’t know how to do this or that’.

I’ve just gotten a couple of pages into the next chapter entitled ‘Don’t Take Things Personally’. The first thing that came to mind was my interaction with the other volunteers in my village. I realized that because my emotions were on a rollercoaster and my self-esteem was in the gutter - when I first arrived - that I was in serious VICTIM MODE. I SO wanted someone to take care of me and when the other PCVs here or VSOs didn’t behave like I felt they should have or I felt like I needed, I blamed them. I took all their words and all their actions painfully personally. They were all just being themselves…it was me feeling vulnerable and exposed.

Friday, March 6 - Monday 16:

Can this be right? Can it really have been 10 days since I’ve written in my journal? Honestly…this doesn’t make sense to me. My only excuse is that I’ve been busy and nothing ‘special’ has happened. I guess I get tired of writing the same thing every day - ‘well, not much happened today’. They did warn us during training that part way through our second year we will reach a time when the monotony and routine will set in. I suppose it has for me because I’m still confused as to why I haven’t written.

I went to Nkurenkuru last Friday night just to do some grocery shopping. I stayed with Caleb and Rachel instead of Sarah, because she was still in Windhoek. It was fun. The world teach volunteers came in from Nankudu and Rachel made pizza. Yum. We played ‘You Don’t Know Jack’ which was a blast. I came home the next day for the theater. I showed ‘The Matrix’ which they loved. I still need to figure out how to get the learners from the secondary school to attend. They get locked in on the weekends and the principal doesn’t want to let them go for fear they will go to the shebeens. I get it…I just don’t know how to work around it.

I have introduced ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ to my supervisor and another nurse. They now come over every Monday night to watch 2 episodes. It’s fun to watch it with them. I gotta go now cause they are on their way.

Tuesday, March 17 - Monday, March 23:

All I can say is…time is flying. I think that I’ve only missed a day or possibly two of writing and I pull up the journal to see it’s been about a week.

Recap:

Last Tuesday none of my primary OVCs showed up. I had no idea why. Then I found out the next day it’s because someone told them at the school that the afternoon program was cancelled. I typed up a list of all the names and submitted it to the primary school so we wouldn’t have a problem. On Wednesday, my older ones showed up so that was fine. On Thursday I tried to have a meeting but many of the members of the committee were missing without apologies. We were going to plant in the garden, but they voted to wait until this week.

I explained to them that the garden was once again dying because of people’s lack of commitment to the watering. I gave them til the end of April to pull it together or I was going to switch to individual gardens at people’s homes. There is no sense in me putting in the energy if it’s not being received.

Thursday afternoon I caught a ride to Nkurenkuru to hang out with Sarah until we went to Zone on Saturday morning for Independence. Thursday night we hung out with the 3 Finnish volunteers who were there on a ‘missionary’ study program. None of them want to be actual missionaries, but they came for the experience. They were fun, we had great food, watched their slide show and said our goodbyes.

Friday, Sarah and I hung out. I watched the ‘Che’ movie and ‘Milk’ - which made me cry. That night we played some cribbage and went to bed. The next morning we went to Zone with tate Ndadi and a nane from the clinic. The festivities were nice and my friend Dorothy was there with her daughter. It was great to catch up with her. The drama and the music was awesome. VIVA INDEPENDENCE!!

Saturday I came back to site because of the theater. I had planned on cancelling it because I figured everyone would be busy. Fanuel told me that we had to have it cause many people would be visiting Mpungu and would want to see a movie. Well…about 10 showed up, lol. Thanks Namibia!

Sunday was spent chilling out and doing a bunch of nothing. Today, we launched our feeding program for ARV clinic and it went great. We had about 6 people show up to eat and then we sold off the remaining food. I think it’s going to be a great success.

Tuesday, March 24 - Thursday, March 26:

The last few days have been busy, productive, and exhausting. I LOVE it! The highlight occurred yesterday. I was working with my OVCs and I had given them some math problems to work out. Hogan, the little boy of the new nurse who lives in the flat next door to the room I use for my group, was playing around outside. He and I are becoming good friends. I went to pick him up and was carrying him around, when I felt something wet on my arm. I just thought he had a wet bottom...but, no. I looked behind him and he had literally FILLED his diaper with shit and by picking him up and sitting him on my arm I had forced it up and out and all over myself. Now…that in itself is pretty funny. BUT!...his poop looked EXACTLY like guacamole. NO LIE! It was the exact color green with some red dots that could have been bell pepper. It seriously looked so much like guacamole that I had to smell it to make sure it wasn’t. How on earth he could have possibly had guacamole on his backside is beyond me…but it was SO realistic looking. Lol. I’m still laughing about it.

Tonight I made dinner for the VSOs and we had great conversation. They are good people. I know that I had my issues with them and the other PCVs here in Mpungu when I first arrived but I think most of that was my own stuff. The culture shock, loneliness, homesickness, etc. just amplified everything and made me so super sensitive. Dinah made an interesting comment about how it feels when you first arrive. She used the word ‘fragile’ and that’s the perfect word for it. I felt so fragile for the first 6 months and I just wanted, needed, someone to take care of me. Whew, I’m glad I’ve moved past that.

Friday, March 27 - Sunday, March 29:

Friday I spent some well needed time in the pharmacy. I haven’t stepped foot inside it since last year. Fortunately it wasn’t in that bad of shape but I keep telling Lyambezi he needs to stay on the nurses about keeping the forms orderly and neat. That night Lyambezi brought over ‘We Were Soldiers’ to watch. I’ve been enjoying hanging out with him lately cause we have sort of crossed that line of being ‘uncomfortable’ around each other. We can now joke and he actually gets some of my American sarcasm.

Saturday was a LONG day. We had our Awareness Event in the morning. It went really well but I lost my patience with some of the kids. I had to keep reminding myself to breathe. I had added MANY more prizes to the condom box game and so that became the center of attention for everyone. I introduced a new game with colored ping pong balls - everyone seemed to enjoy it. I chilled out the rest of the day and then headed to the church for movie night. I really do enjoy movie night but find myself getting stressed a bit about it. People from the project are supposed to be coming to the movie so that they can learn to run the equipment and man the door. What ends up happening is only Selma comes, she mans the door until the movie starts and then wants to watch the show. I don’t blame her, it just means I am constantly answering the door when someone knocks to be let in or out. I really think we need to switch the time to earlier in the day. That way more people would come (so they could get home before dark) and it would be easier to man the door, with light. When Shimon comes to visit after Easter, we need to look into making curtains for the church.

Sunday was a TOTAL chill day with a two hour walk, some yoga, a movie, some reading and Damien, Thomas, and Willem stopped by for help on their EWA and Diversity Tour applications.

I’ve reached a point in my service where I have accepted what I am able and not able to do. My one concern still seems to be sustainability. Of the projects that I am involved in…which ones, if any, will continue after I leave? The garden seems to be on a downward slide and I have a feeling that by the end of April, it will be gone and it will be one less thing I have to worry about. I don’t feel bad or blame myself for it failing…there was just not enough energy and interest in having it in the first place. I’m starting to feel that way about the theater. Nobody (except Selma) from the group, is attending Saturday nights. So once I leave, will it even happen? All of this takes me back to when I first got here. As a PCV I am supposed to evaluate the needs of the community and see what is wanted. I feel I did that - to the best of my ability - for the first several months, with no one coming to me with ideas. Even at this point, people (from the group or outside of) don’t ever say ‘hey, let’s do this or that’. Everyone still seems to wait around until Chaz comes up with something to do. I know this isn’t at the heart of capacity building and sustainability. But what am I to do? Just do nothing and continue to wait until someone has an idea. I feel by coming up with suggestions that I am leading by example. I feel like I have tried to inspire people, but to no avail. All that said, 2 people within my community have come to me in the last week and either said that I should extend or that I will be sorely missed when I go.

The only way to interpret that is that I am doing a good job. Whew. This really IS about letting go of any pre-conceived ideas about accomplishment and success. Where I see failure, the people here have seen growth. Hmmm.

Monday, March 30 - Thursday, April 2:

A busy and productive week. The highlight was playing a spelling game with my older OVCs. Damien - my favorite, was racking up the points and I could see the soccer ball he has been saving them for - gleaming in his eye.

I had some interesting conversations with a few people from the village. They both, in their own way, talked about the ‘laziness’ of most of the people in the community and how no one has the motivation to change their lives. One was a younger guy, about 25. The other, an older tate of 62. It was interesting hearing them talk though because I’ve had my own opinions about these subjects but because of culture, never felt like I had a right to say anything. It was a bonding moment for me and them as well as a little validation that what I’ve been feeling has been correct.

I did have yet another issue with Fanuel, the counselor. Veronica, his wife, is the one that is running the sewing business. I’ve been explaining to her - since last November - about her loan payment and that SHE is running the business, not me. That it is a business and not a ‘project’. Well, she is constantly late with her payment and I guess this week I had had it. I, once again, met with her and Fanuel to explain for the umpteenth time, about the repayment schedule. Ironically, my friend Ruben was here cause we were both waiting for a ride to Nkurenkuru. As I was going through everything again and Fanuel was translating…Ruben butted in (thank God). And said a bunch of stuff in Rukwangali that made Veronica finally ‘get it’. After they left, I walk talking to Ruben about my frustration with having to explain things over and over when I feel like I’m simplifying them as best as I can. He said, you were saying things perfectly, Fanuel was mis-translating what you were saying to Veronica. He kept telling her that they money she owes back is YOUR money and that it was YOUR money that funded the business. He hadn’t been telling her that I was just a mediator. I’ve lost SO much faith in Fanuel over the past year and it just sickens me to think that he has possibly been mis-translating me this whole time for his own good. Either to make himself look good or to benefit him and his family. SHIT!

On a better note…after they left, Ruben and I got into a conversation and he brought up all these great ideas for the community and I shared some of mine and we have decided to work together to do a BUNCH of stuff. The money Eileen gave me is going to be stretched into MANY awesome projects now. Between Ruben and the other Fanuel’s motivation for community work, I am truly pumped to accomplish a TON in the next 8 months!

Friday, April 3 - Sunday, April 5:

Friday day sort of dragged on. I spent a little time in the pharmacy, organizing a bit. Then I basically took the rest of the day off since my evening was filled with taking the movie theater to the school. On time as usual, Alex showed up at my house to take Claudia, Ester, Fanuel and I to the school. When we arrived, the students cleared out and some of the older male learners helped us move the tables against the windows and set up the chairs. At first, no learners were lining up to pay to get in and I was a bit concerned. I finally decided to send someone out to let them know that the movie would start at exactly 7:30. During that time, I did some questions for sweets about HIV/AIDS with the few that had meandered in.

At the time we started the movie, there was only about 20 kids in the hall. I had a brief (very brief) moment where I thought, ‘what a waste of time’. But as the movie progressed, the learners arrived. At the end of the night, we had made N$150.00! I was stoked! I asked the kids after if they enjoyed it and would like us to come more often. They said yes. If we go twice a month and add N$300 to our feeding program, we’ll have no problem feeding everyone on Monday’s list! And, we should be able to afford to buy apples and other things besides just serving mutete and yisima.

Saturday I slept in, did some yoga and read before the theater. Tonight’s movie was King Kong and I at first was worried that they might not like it. Boy…was I wrong! They LOVED it! They completely got that Naomi Watt’s character was making the beast laugh. They cheered loudly when he beat the dinosaurs and saved the girl. And when he fell off the Empire State building? There was a quiet ‘oh’ that spread through the crowd. Man, I love this project!!!!!

Sunday was a seriously chilled day with a long walk in the morning, much reading in the afternoon and ended with watching a movie with Fanuel and Jaffet.

Monday, April 6 - Monday, April 13:

Monday through Thursday of this past week was busy just finishing up stuff with OVCs and project meetings. On Tuesday, I did go to a meeting in Dakuwa - a village about 10k into the bush from Mpungu. They are wanting to build a kindergarten there. I thought initially that they wanted an actual building. This concerned me because of the time frame in which I have to accomplish this. However, they are planning on building a large hut with a fence and they just want help with books, chalkboard, chairs, etc. to make it nice. This, is very doable. I am going to use the PCPP to ‘get er done’.

I was really anxious about leaving site on Thursday, so the first part of the week is sort of a blur. Thursday I rode into Rundu with the VSOs. I went to the TRC to download stuff and check email. I then caught up with everyone else. Most of the 27ers crashed at Rachel’s while the 28ers and 3rd years stayed with Ben. Over the weekend we cooked together, played games, had a braai at the Bavaria and enjoyed one another’s company. My friend Shimon came up from Windhoek and is actually coming back to Mpungu with me for a week. He wants to see what my life is like in the village and needs a vacation. He will help me with some small projects.

On Saturday, he and I ran errands most of the day. I had a lot of things I needed to buy the OVCs for their point awards. I also needed to buy things for the garden, for the theater. It was an exhausting day but oddly fun. It reminded me of running errands in the states a little. I got to buy clothes, shoes, backpacks, things like that for the OVCs…so it felt a little like Christmas.

Yesterday, we got a hike early and headed back. It was long and hot cause we were in the back of a bakki. We arrived, unpacked a shitload of food and stuff I had purchased for the OVCs and settled in. It’s good to be home.

Tuesday, April 14 - Monday, April 20:

Routine…routine…routine. That’s what my life has boiled down to. That’s fine…I am happy with it…trust me. This past week went off with not much out of the ordinary. I did have a moment while watering the guava trees behind my house where a very large snake slithered past me. I froze. I just stood there saying ‘f’k’ under my breathe until it got far enough away to where I could move.

Shimon hung out this whole week (he left on Saturday morning). It was really nice to have the company and of course, with him being a vegan chef…I ate better in these 6 days then I have since I arrived. Fresh mushrooms, peppers, coconut…all sorts of things I can never buy because they are too expensive.

Saturday we had our monthly HIV Awareness event and it was great. We had it in the community at Ester’s place…instead of at the clinic. MANY more people came to it and it was very successful. I came back to rest a bit before the movie. OH…I forgot to mention that on Wednesday’s free movie night, I showed a couple music videos that I had downloaded. In hindsight I probably should have been a bit more careful in the ones I chose, but they seemed to enjoy them. I showed Brittany’s Spear’s ‘Womanizer’ - I had forgotten how risqué it was. I don’t think they’ve seen anything like it, lol - I’m still waiting for the repercussions of it from the community.

I showed ’30 Days of Night’ on Saturday and they were really scared. I was great fun watching them scream and then laugh at themselves. I had to turn away a guy who was drunk…fortunately he didn’t put up much of a fuss.

Sunday I hung out with Damien, Thomas, William and Salom. I introduced them to ‘Uno’ and they loved it. Today we had the feeding program. The cooking part went well, but there are still a lot of people who won’t come and get the food because they are worried about being seen by the community. We ended up having a lot left over - and I hate throwing food out. We didn’t have anyone come and buy food today either. My other dilemma is that there are employees of the clinic that hang around waiting for us to finish because they know there will be food left over and we will probably give it to them. This angers me. First, they have jobs…they can afford the N$3 that we are charging to support the program. Second, these are people that don’t really do their jobs. They just complain all the time. For example, when we said we had yisima left over, the one female security guard said she was starving and wanted some. When she realized it was JUST yisima and she wasn’t getting anything else with it, she turned up her nose and said she didn’t want it. If you are ‘starving’ you would eat any food anyone handed to you. I get this attitude a lot and it just angers me. I try to be patient and understanding, but I can’t handle the un-appreciativeness.

On Saturday, we had purchased meat for the afternoon meal. We didn’t get it in time, so decided to freeze it and cook it Monday with the feeding program. When we went to use it today, it was spoiled. I hadn’t looked at the bag on Saturday…I just stuck it in the freezer. Well, this started an entire day of stress. Trying to track down who we bought the meat from in order to get a refund. Then, them coming and saying they would pay us back and turning around a few hours later and saying they would not. Then, of course, I needed Fanuel to come into the picture as a translator and he completely mis-represented me to the people involved, which escalated the drama. I have really lost all trust and faith in him and would rather not have to do anything ‘through’ him any more. I feel as though he has been shooting me in the foot this past year. The other Fanuel has volunteered to take on that role for me, so hopefully there won’t be any more issues like this. I have so little time left and want to be ‘drama’ free.

I leave on Wednesday for Rundu, then Windhoek, then a few weeks of holiday before hiking fish river. I won’t have my computer, so I will try to write down what’s going on while I am gone.

Tuesday, April 21 - Monday, April 27:

I hiked to Rundu on Wednesday then got up early to head to Windhoek the next day. I headed to the hike point with a positive attitude and got a hike within the hour. He was only going to drop me in Kombat, but he drove me all the way to Otavi cause he said I’d have a better chance finding a hike there. I literally got out of his car, used the bathroom and walked to the road when a car pulled over and it was Jeff, the former director of PC Namibia. In total, I made it to Windhoek in under 7 hours.

I met up with Shimon and we went to see ‘Underworld’. I should have passed on the movie cause I didn’t realize how tired I was, but it was still enjoyable. The next day we went into town to run some errands and drop my bags at Jan Jonker. The day was productive. After lunch I left Shimon to meet up with the other PCVs. VSN and Diversity tour was in town. We went to Primi for dinner. The next day we began VSN training for the 2 new members. The day went well and then Shimon came over and we cooked dinner while everyone else went out.

Sunday was more training and then I spent a chilled night at the flat watching TV.

Today was more errand s- ordering T-shirts, heading to the movies only to discover the movie I wanted to see wasn’t playing. I came back to the Tabitha Center , had dinner and now it’s time to crash.

Tuesday, April 28:

Got up, packed and organized and walked to the highway to hike to Swakopmund. I wasn’t out there for more than 5 minutes before I got a lift to Okahandja. I got stuck there for a few hours (I blame it on not having my sign, lol). Finally, I got a lift all the way. Good conversation and air conditioning. What more can you ask for?

I arrived at the TRC just as Leslie was finishing up. We walked back to her place, chatted and caught up and I ran to the grocery store to stock up for the week and then we had dinner. During and after dinner we talked more. I love Leslie and really enjoy our conversations. We had this great talk about life, self-acceptance, PC, our personal journeys, etc. I’m looking forward to just hanging out here this week. I had wanted to explore the northwest but I’d really rather just veg. I’ll save my energy for Fish River!

Wednesday, April 29 - Saturday, May 2:

I’ve thoroughly enjoy just chilling out here in Swakopmund. On Thursday, I met a guy named Hilton at a clothing store. We clicked so decided to have dinner later that day. It was great conversation and mediocre Chinese food.

On Friday, I hiked to Walvis to explore and meet up with Gideon - remember, he’s my guy from Mpungu that moved here last year. His wife had a new baby since he left. It was great catching up with him. I was also able to visit with Karel for a bit - who is also living there.

I then met up with Hilton who drove me all over Walvis. We then went for pizza where I enjoyed a conversation about lesbians and vibrators with a group of colored people. Now, I can hear all my American friends ‘gasp’ after reading that. But here in Namibia, there are 3 distinct types of people - blacks, whites, and coloreds - or mixed race. In Walvis Bay, everyone lives separately and you can easily spot the 3 ‘level’s of acceptance throughout the Bay. The black people live in very run down, small shacks. The coloreds in sort of modest, middle class type homes…and the whites…in million dollar homes.

I know I’ve talked about this before but it struck me again. I’ve wondered how people can live in very nice, expensive homes with not a care in the world when 3-4 hours away (or sometimes, 3-4k away), there are people living in huts with no food. The contrast has always been very striking to me. Yet…don’t we do that in America? You can go to any city and find multi-million dollar homes just down the road from people living at ‘poverty’ level.

I think it’s just that we, as Americans, can’t imagine living in a stick house, with no water, that we think it’s such an extreme. I’m not saying it isn’t. But, the unbalance of economy here is NOT much different than anywhere in the world. The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Where’s the ‘fairness’? Should I live in guilt because circumstances have allowed me to live a very comfortable life? These are all questions I am still needing answers to.

Sunday, May 3 - Monday, May 4:

Sunday was spent chillin out by the beach - it was a beautiful day - and then packing to leave early on Monday. I’m reaching that point in my vacation where I am missing my village. Yet I know, one week back and I’ll e saying I’m bored, lol. Guess I am only human.

Monday, I headed to the road around 6:30 am, in hopes of an early hike. It didn’t happen. After a couple of hours, Emily and Kate decided to walk further ahead in hopes that by themselves they might get a ride quicker. They had been gone maybe 20 minutes when Miles pulled over for me. Cool, young photographer from Cape Town. When I told him about my friends waiting for a hike, he was more than happy to stop and get them as well.

The hike was great and as we were passing through Karibib, we picked up the local radio station and I dialed in to answer a contest question and I actually WON! Unfortunately, they didn’t call to notify me until we were about an hour away. Just after getting the phone call, I had a brief thought about my friend John Martin, back in the states. There was no reason for him to opop into my head - but there he was. I got on facebook to send him a quick note. Once there, I was informed by a friend’s posting that John had passed away….over 2 months before.

It was the strangest sensation of shock that came over me. Why hadn’t any of our mutual friends thought to inform me? It reinforced the ‘disconnect’ that I already feel so strongly…from my life in America. At the same time, I am feeling distant from the familiar, I find myself adapting and connecting to my new life here. Don’t get me wrong, when I finish in December I will be ready to leave my village existence. It’s just that I think it will be much more difficult to leave than it ever was for me to be there in the beginning.

Tuesday, May 5 - Tuesday, May 12:

Tuesday through Thursday I hung out in Windhoek with Shimon - running errands that I didn’t finish before Swakopmund. On Friday, Em drove me to the hike point to head south. I waited about 2 ½ hours before snagging a lift all the way to Keets. We stopped in Mariental for Lunch. I then heard from Carly and Lily that they had gotten a ride only that far, so my ride decided to wait for them. It was funny though because he and I had had some good conversation about life and spirituality and stuff and once Lily (who is Chinese) got in the car, all of a sudden, all these non-pc jokes came out of him. We just kept looking at each other and laughing.

We made it to Jen and Rashin’s around 5:30 pm. They had dinner ready for us. The next day we went into town for last minute shopping. While there, I met up with David H. for a bit. Later that afternoon the others started slowly arriving. We watched Quantum of Solace and fell asleep. Transport picked us up at 7:30 am for the 2 ½ hour ride to the entrance to the canyon. He stopped at an overlook area for us to get our first view. Breathtaking! And scary as hell? I’m going to be hiking through THAT?!?!? It’s not the Grand Canyon by any means but being the 2nd largest canyon in the world, it holds it’s own.

It took us about 2 hours to descend 1k. It was rouch. At the bottom, we swam with some other hikers - some happened to be muslim and at the appropriate time - they rolled out their rugs and prayed. I vowed to myself that if we ended up camping near them sometime during the trip, I wanted to talk to them about Islam.

After lunch, we headed out. We had heard that the first few days were pretty tough - uneven ground, large boulders…deep sand. We began with smiles on our faces and ended the first day with leg cramps, painful shoulders and sore feed. But we were happy. The landscape is beautiful and the night sky with ZERO city light is truly phenomenal.

Day 2 found us heading out around 8:30 in various groups. Lily, Milan, Greg and myself happen to b pretty quick hikers. Amanda and Parker take up the middle and the rest are the caboose. Besides lizards, not much in the way of animals have been seen. I have seen leopard prints and horse poop though, so I am hopeful. Betsey injured her knee today and began vomiting from the pain. We were concerned she may have to take the emergency exit. She said no, but we stopped to camp earlier that day. We also caught up with the muslims, who gave us a better map. I never got the chance to talk to them about Islam though.

Day 3 - the pain in my shoulder blades is pretty bad but I only have on pseudo-blister, so I’m okay. I haven’t slept the last 2 nights…I can only hope tonight is better. We made good time, with the help of a shortcut. We saw several families of baboons, but still no horses. Parker said he saw some dassies, but I wasn’t so lucky. The beauty and serenity of this place continues to bring me peace. The nights are my favorite with the quiet and the night sky.

Tonight, one of our gas canisters ran out but I had run into a group of Cape Tonians hiking a little ways ahead. We crashed their fire and they were very welcoming. They helped us cook our dinner and even gave us 2 full canisters of butane to get us through the next few days. This, by far, is the greatest vacation in Namibia. I can only imagine that when I finish with PC and start travelling, that my experience will resemble this in some way.

Wednesday, May 13 - Saturday, May 16 (early morning):

The last few days in the canyon have been the most exhausting, painful, blissful and exhilarating days I’ve spent in Namibia. Being so isolated and far from any convenience - it’s flt like I could be anywhere in the world. I haven’t even been using my tent. Sleeping outside, under the stars. Making fires to cook dinner. It’s been fantastic.

Yesterday we arrived at Ai-Ais, where we enjoyed a hit, soapy shower, a pseudo-hot tub and a cold cider. After a week of hiking, one cider did me in. We played cards most of the afternoon and then had dinner at 7. There were other groups here that had opted to have a local children’s choir come and sing for them. 2 things struck me with this. First, I felt as though they were being exploited. Any time some white foreigners come along, these kids have to sing for them. At the same time, this is probably the only way for these kids to make money. It’s a double-edged sword, so to speak.

The other thing is, is that they sucked! I’ve heard much, MUCH better choirs since being here. It was obvious to all of us PCVs that these were all just the kids of the camp staff and they weren’t actually a choir. They had done no rehearsals or practiced in any way. They just sung 3-4 random songs and danced a little and threw in some yodels and clicks. So the ‘choir’ was actually ripping off the foreigners who through they were hearing authentic African music. I guess it’s a use-use situation.

One of the staff also brought her baby and some of the ‘white’ people were holding it and getting their pictures taken with it like it was some unique animal from the zoo. I found that repulsive.

Saturday, May 16 - Friday, May 22:

We were picked up and brought back to Keets where some of us immediately got on the road and started hiking north. We all eventually got picked up and dropped in Rehoboth to stay with Roshin and Beth. On Sunday, Dar and I headed north to Windhoek. Our hike dropped us off at the entrance to the B1 where she headed down the on-ramp and I walked towards Katatura. Not 5 minutes after leaving her, she was mugged. 2 guys confronted her and took her backpack. Son of a bitch!!! There are times where I go to this internal place of anger that I need to steer clear of. I want to go up to these thieves and say ‘what the F? I flew 9,000 miles to come and help YOUR people and this is how you treat me?’. I hate that I still go there after all this time…but I do. Dar is fine, just has to stay in Windhoek for a few days before heading back to site.

I spent an extra day in Windhoek to chill and headed to Rundu on Monday. It was tough cause I have a TON of crap to haul back. I made it to Otavi and then after a few hours, the rest of the way to Rundu. I stuck around there for a few days running some errands and waiting for Sarah to come through so I could hike back with her. I have some packages at her place. I hung out with Lori, Kim an the others.

Sarah arrived on Wednesday night, so yesterday we hiked back to site. I arrived yesterday around 4. It’s good to be home.

I’ve walked around enough to see that many of the fruit trees I planted are dying cause no one is watering them. The garden was not planted nor was the fence completed AND I don’t know whether the feeding program went on without me or not. I was happy that didn’t immediately go to the frustrated place. I have decided to not start any more new projects for the next 6 months. I will just focus on reinforcing the ones that are going in hopes that they will continue. Pray for me.

Sunday, May 23 - Thursday, May 28:

Routine…routine…routine. That’s what sums up my life these days. Routine. Is that a bad thing? Not necessarily. But it can lead to boredom. Boredom in the sense that ‘something new’ doesn’t happen on a daily basis any more. The other side of the coin is that I’m confident in what I’m doing now and it’s not a lot of ‘work’ to do it. The days are SPEEDING by and I fear if I blink, it will be Dec. 1 and I’ll be leaving my village for good.

The president of Namibia is coming to our village on the 26th of June. That’s not only something to look forward to, it’s also something I have to help prepare for. That will consume my downtime for the next few weeks. Then it’s July. Then it’s August and I’ll be travelling to Botswana. Then it’s September and I’ll travel to Windhoek for our COS conference. Then it’s like 2 ½ months left. It’s all so weird.

Thursday, January 1 - Friday, January 2 (6 am):

New Years day was spent chilling and meandering. I went to breakfast at Rcafe for a ricotta stuffed omelet sandwich with chives on herb bread…delicious! I then hit an internet café for a bit before meeting up with the PCVs. The remainder of the day included lunch, Extreme Home Makeover and Chinese take-away.

I am sitting here this morning not being as introspective as I would have imagined. I know 40 is a milestone but right now it just feels like any other day. Age never has been an issue for me and I certainly don’t feel like I think I should. I guess the only thing I am contemplative about is why I’m alone at 40. I don’t think I’m lonely per se but I do want to share my life with someone and I wonder why it hasn’t happened yet. Well, I know why - my insecurities, my inability to commit - but I think I mean more about that ‘connection’ to someone that comes with full acceptance. That ‘match’ that I’ve felt on different levels in the past but why hasn’t’ it ‘stuck’? Am I too controlling? Not compromising? Too caught up in my own stuff? Too picky? Too judgmental? Yes, it’s probably call those things. Actually, even as I write all this, I realize I’m not all that concerned about it afterall. I won’t be 100% ready for a relationship until I heal and love myself enough to where I don’t ‘need’ one to fill any type of void. I feel closer to that place every day.

Friday, January 2 (the big 40!):

I don’t think I could have asked fro a better birthday. I intended to start with breakfast at Lola’s but they were not open so I had some yoghurt and muesli instead. Then, Nick, Milan and I went to the Turkish baths. Between the steam, sauna, and pool, I felt my pores open, release their toxins, and walked out refreshed and almost high. Nick and I decided to hunt for massages, but after no luck, had a lunch of greasy calamari and fish. We then perused the cxraft market for a bit before I split with them to head to the waterfront with Milan and Katie. There we boarded the ferry to Robbin Island to visit the prison where Mendella was incarcerated for 18 years. I thought it would be more emotional but between the ‘speed’ of the tour and the fact that I had never read his book, it was anti -climactic. The tour itself left you no time to just wander and absorb the history.

Once back at the Cape, we headed to the sushi place to meet up with the others. I proceeded to have the most delicious, extravagant meal I’ve had since I left the states. The fish was exquisite and I didn’t even flinch when my bill came to R300.

We grabbed Haagen Daaz afterwards and then walked to Green Point. The girls had never been to a gay bar so were full of questions and comments. Milan got cruised a lot and Nick even got a phone number but the birthday boy left that evening empty handed and without even a celebratory kiss, lol. We walked back to Long St. where I headed to bed.

Saturday, January 3:

I lost my camera today. The camera itself is not all that important but it’s loss is. First, every photo I’ve taken on my Cape Town holiday is gone. Second, I now have no means to take photos at my site. I’m upset but I’m not upset. It’s a strange thing. I truly am sad for those two reasons but then not as sad as I would have expected myself to be. I’m still trying to figure this one out.

I lost the camera hiking Table mountain. It was an amazing hike and the views were spectacular. I went up with Justin and Tom, 2 white South Africans. They semed like really nice guys. But then when they were taking me back to the hostel, we got stuck in some traffic caused by a carnival that was taking place It was some type of colored celebration. As people tried to cross the streets in front of us, the racist comments and name called began. I sat in uncomfortable silence. I wanted to say something but then was reminded of something Milan had said to me a few days earlier. ‘We don’t know their personal history’. True, I don’t. It still felt weird but then it occurred to me. I’ve been stuck in downtown Cincy during the Jazz festival before and though I never yelled obscenities at people, negative thoughts did fill my head. They were as blatant as this, but they were still comments directed at a specific group of people due to my own impatience. Are we all a little racist on some level due to our upbringing and society in general? It made me think of Mark and I. When people would discover he was black, there would sometimes be comments - not negative, just acknowledgment of him being black. I used to always say that ‘I don’t see color, I just see Mark’. I read an article in a local rag where a few days ago discussing that very thing. A black person was upset when someone said that. She commented, ‘Why wouldn’t you see my color?’. We are, as Americans, sometime so sanitized to be politically correct. To not see race. But to choose not to see it means we are not acknowledging our differences and in the process, eliminating what makes each of us special. It’s as though we are trying to homogenize the entire human race into a new category - but isn’t NOT labeling and judging people for their differences the main goal? I really understand the phrase celebrate diversity now. In order to fully accept another person you have to acknowledge their uniqueness.

Even with myself, I’ve always said that I’m neither ashamed nor proud of my sexuality - it’s just a part of who I am. But…it IS a part of who I am and not wanting people to necessarily know it outright tells me I may still have some shame in it. I’ve always liked the ft hat s people can’t ‘tell’ from looking at me. I’ve even felt lucky because of it. But that’s shame and embarrassment, isn’t it? If I truly, deep down, was 100% okay with who I was, it really wouldn’t matter if they could tell or not. I love realizations like this but then sometimes, when you think you’ve worked so hard on yourself, you dig a layer deeper and find more shit. The road to fully loving oneself is very long. I just hope I have the patience for it.

Sunday, January 4 - Tuesday, January 6:

Sunday was a chilled out day. It had to be - my legs were on fire! For whatever reason I can’t remember the rest of the day. Mark has been on my brain lately. I’m not sure if I mentioned this or not but I sent him an email a few days back - spilling my heart. I basically told him that I was in love with him still and wanted to try a long distance relationship. What was I expecting his response to be? It took him a few days to get back to me and I was a little sad - though understanding - of his unwillingness. He asked me how I knew I loved him. He then created a list of his reasons why he loved me. I sat there starring at them. They were all about him actually. I wanted to write back an tell him I know I loved him cause I felt it, but I thought I’d come up with a list as well. My list was ALL about him. I found that interesting. It then made me wonder - do our lists mesh?

I’m having my doubts that they do. I fear that Mark is in his head when it comes to me. His reasons were all things he did - he respected me, he worked hard to improve our relationship, he tried to make me happy every day - none of those are really about me. These email exchanges have shed some interesting light on our relationship.

Monday I had breakfast at Rcafe then went to the movies to see ‘Australia’. I then was picked up by Lwazi, a black South African, who was letting me cras at his place. This was very educational. His father is the major of Durban and he’s met Oprah. He’s had a very different experience than most blacks here. His house (that he only uses 2 months out of the year) is spectacular. I talked his ear off about race relations, especially within the gay community. Fascinating.

I heard again from Mark with a more intimate list of reasons why he loved me. I have no doubt that he has and does. I just wonder if there’s a chance for us to start anew at some point in the future.

Today, Lwazi drove me back to the Cape, I checked into Abantu for the night, met up with Nick, Heather and Natalie and hung for the day. I went and got my nose pierced before going for my tattoo. I love my new ink though I do wish I would have gotten the ‘ohm’ symbol in red. We went to dinner at a fantastic Ethiopian restaurant then grabbed a drink at Marvel. Overall, a perfect last night in the Cape.

Wednesday, January 7:

We got up early, packed up, grabbed breakfast, hiked to the train station, missed our train, found a minibus and got dropped off along the highway to begin our journey home. We were trying for about 90 minutes with nothing. We then decided Nick and I should stay hidden and just let the girls hike. Within minutes we had our first ride going 80k out of town. On the way there I sent a thank you sms to Piet and low and behold, he was 5 minutes from us on his way to vacation.

He offered 2 of us a ride 300k and though I was set to take it, the others were nervous about hiking alone in SA. I thanked Piet and apologized and sent him on his way. Within minutes a sheep truck stopped and Heather, not liking to turn down rides if people stop, accepted a 35k ride with Nick and I IN the back WITH the sheep. He was shat on several times during that. One for the books I supposed.

Our next hike took us 20 minutes to get and 30k further. I kept thinking that if this was how we were creeping back to Windhoek, it would take a week.

At the next place, we grabbed food at a petrol station, then back to the road. After a bit, 4 PCVs who had rented a car stopped by and had room for both of Nick’s marimbas. Moments after, we were picked up by 2 young Afrikaaners going all the way to Windhoek - BUT…over the course of several days. They would take us to about 200k south of Keets. Good enough.

Last night, after spending almost 2 hours getting through customs at the border, we camped along the river. I slept outside, without a tent to the sound of the nearby water. It was wonderful.

Thursday, January 8 - Friday, January 9:

We got up and packed the truck and headed out. We had planned on getting out at the petrol station and hiking from there. Jacob said he could drop us outside Keets but he was going to drive through the canyons a bit to show Carla and did we want to tag along. Sure!

The desert was amazing, hot and beautiful. AT one point we found ourselves at a lodge where we snuck in and swam for a bit. Jacob then showed us on the map where his grandfather’s game ranch was and said that we were welcome to stay the night and go to Sossusvlei the next day with them. It took me a split second to say yes while the others pondered.

We drove to the ranch which seemed to be located at the edge of the world. Once there, we jumped in a water tank/pool to cool off. The place was deserted. It was opulent - leather couches, satellite TV, beds with pillows, lol. I had been thinking on the drive out there that who in their right mind would want to live in the desert…even more isolated than I had felt in Mpungu? But that evening, with the sunset and the cool breeze - I understood what the draw was. We made sandwiches, had some wine and then I slept on the ground again. It was too nice not to.

We got up, packed and headed to Sossusvlei. On the way we stopped at a lodge for breakfast. And what did we do after breakfast you might ask? We went in a pen with 3 full grown cheetahs and petted them. OMG! When does shit like this happen? It goes down as one of the most amazing experiences of my life. They were purring so loudly, licking our hands and nibbling our fingers. Damn. (I’m sure they were thinking - tastes like chicken!), lol

We then drove to the dunes - the oldest desert on the planet to be exact. It’s called the world’s largest sandbox. Again…beautiful and amazing. We climbed one of the smaller dunes which was difficult enough. The sand was burning hot and the angle very steep. We went from there to a lodge for a drunk and though we wanted to sneak into their pool - we did not. We began our journey back towards Moltehore. The 3 of them decided, at 7 pm, to go to the petrol station and try to hike to Mariental. I had had enough for one day, so here I was, alone at the backpackers. The only guest, sitting at a table, watching the sun set, listening to my Ipod and journaling. I’m actually tearing up because I am so happy…so at peace. This ends one of the most amazing vacations I’ve ever taken. I’m ready to go home to my village and complete my final year with the Peace Corps. PC is the greatest thing I’ve ever chosen to do with my life on so many levels. I hope I can take this calmness and contentedness back to the states with me.

Saturday, January 10:

Got up early, showered, paid my bill and headed into ‘town’. As I looked around, I began to fear that my chances of getting out were going to be slim. The previous night I had had an interesting conversation with David - the French guy who owns the place - and his mother. It’s funny to me how I’ve been afraid most of my life to engage people on a daily basis. I’ve realized that when you don’t, you miss out on SO much.

Within an hour I got a lift to Mariental. I thought I was going to have to pay ut it was free. Could I really make it to and from Cape Town with NO money? Hells yeah I could! I grabbed some breakfast at Wimpy’s. My new year’s resolution to eat healthier is very difficult to keep when hitchhiking through Africa, lol. I snagged a ride to Windhoek in about 20 minutes and arrived few hours later.

I got dropped off in front of Chameleon just as Thea was walking out and though they were full, she had an extra bed and invited me to sleep in her room. We ran by the PC office, then grabbed lunch at the craft market with some other PCVs. Then it was back to Chameleon for a swim and some chillin’. Later, some of us went for pizza while others went to Joe’s beer house. Afterwards, Catherine and I came back for a movie and everyone else went to a wine bar. I was happy to be in bed before 10.

Sunday, January 11 - Tuesday, January 13:

Sunday was spent meeting up with the other PCVs at the office and waiting around for transport to Graeter’s. Once there, we swam, caught up, had dinner, and began the huge movie swap. Over the next two days we sat through many sessions that bored us and drove us a little crazy. Again, the most important thing was collecting new movies, lol. It’s been great seeing everyone and sharing our successes and non-success (I’m learning no to call them failures). I feel like I am in such a different place than I was a year ago. No anxiousness. Very little fear. I am more pumped to return to site and knock-em dead with my energy. This next year is going to ROCK!

Wednesday, January 14 - Thursday, January 15:

The last couple of days in Windhoek have been okay. I did some work for VSN, hung out with the others that have to stay behind an used the internet. I have to stay an extra week to have a crown replaced. I remember when I first arrived in Namibia that I thought I would travel to the big city more often because I would need to - emotionally, that is. But I am really ready to get back to the village. I miss it. Besides, when you are out of money and there are no good movies playing at the theater, what else can you do here? Lol

Friday, January 16:

More Windhoek today. It dawned on me that I could have hiked to Swakopmund for 5 more days of the beach before my appt. on Monday. That was really silly of me.

Saturday, January 17 -Tuesday, January 21:

So…more days in Windhoek - biding my time between the internet, TV and the mall. Sounds like I’m back in the states, eh? Had my dentist appt. and I am ready to go.

I took a ride up one of the big hills overlooking Windhoek with a friend the other night. It was quiet and the lights were beautiful. It made me miss home - my new home, Mpungu.

I’ve been seeing a lot of the inauguration stuff on TV and that’s been amazing. I hope I make it to Rundu on Tuesday in time to see his speech. I do find it interesting that so many Africans are thinking that Obama is going to come to their rescue. He has enough on his plate with our country to handle first. We need to strengthen the US before we can reach out to other nations again. This wonderful man has so much on his shoulders. He will be in my thoughts daily.

Got to the hike point early and got a ride to Otavi within 15 minutes. A sweet elderly guy. Once there, I waited about an hour for a ride to Groot - the black hole. There, I waited about 90 minutes and got a ride in a semi. They are always comfortable and reliable but take longer because they cannot go faster than 80k an hour.

I mae it to Rundu at 6:30, got a taxi to Rachel’s principals house with time to spare before the swearing in. It was nice to see it with other Americans. The only problem was that his Afrikaaner wife kept interjecting her thoughts and opinions. She and I butted heads about 9/11. She kept saying I’ve been brainwashed - I just wanted to smack her. She’s not even American, so I felt she didn’t have a right to argue, lol.

I’ve talked to Mr. Kuwema about transport but I have to stay another day in Rundu. I’ll be home by Thursday…Thank God.

Thursday, January 22 - Wednesday, January 28:

I finally arrived back at site today. I took all day to figure out transport and I wound up unloading a shit load of stuff into my flat at 8:30pm. My house was intact with a few new cobwebs here and there. I was exhausted but went and chatted with my neighbors a bit before heading to bed.

Friday was spent unpacking everything - donated stuff as well as my 10 Christmas packages! I am so blessed! I scored as well as my OVCs. I discovered that someone had cut our hose for the garden. It’s weird. They didn’t just steal the hose. They took a portion of it and now it’s not long enough to reach certain things. Sucks. My personal garden was a mess. Most everything has died and it was full of weeds. Guess my neighbor didn’t really want the R20 a week I had promised her. The big garden was in decent shape. The corn is growing well and so are the tomatoes and butternut squash. Yes, my initial reaction was…why isn’t it over flowing with bounty? Lol. But I’ve learned to appreciate the little things and make them huge!

I spent the weekend just cleaning my flat and organizing with a movie and a video game thrown in from time to time.

Monday I worked from my flat and I honestly can’t remember what I accomplished. Tuesday prepared for my OVCs. They were really excited for me to be back. I brought up the idea of breaking into 2 smaller groups - older and younger - and they jumped on it. This ultimately creates more work for me but it’s easier work. It was getting too difficult to find things to fit all the age ranges. I introduced the point system to them. It’s a way for them to earn points on behavior, grades, attendance, etc. that they can spend on school supplies and fun stuff. They LOVED the idea and LOVE seeing the chart on the wall with their names and the points they are collecting. We watched Charlotte’s Web and took it easy.

Today, I prepared for the first day of the older group. Once again my translator was very late but one of the kids took over and did it. Damien…he’s amazing! They created posters about ‘what I want my life to look like when I’m older’. They cut out pictures from magazines. It was great fun to watch them work. Many of the guys cut out pictures of hot cars and sexy white women, lol. The girls cut out pictures of nice clothes, attractive black men, pictures of families, etc. It’s funny…no matter where in the world you find yourself, those gender differences are apparent at such an early age.

Thursday, January 29 - Monday, February 2:

The past 5 days have been a blur and frankly I’m surprised I missed that much of my journal. I’ve been working a lot on projects and coming up with newer ones. Small ones, trust me. Just a rec-room for the hostel kids attached to the church. I’ve been making arrangements for the first theater showing and getting ready to let go of control of the monthly HIV Awareness Events. So as I take on newer tasks I am letting go of older ones. Sustainability is all about giving up the control and let someone else run the ship.

I spent last weekend at site by myself - well, barring the occasional visitor. But it was fine. It’s funny to think that last year I HATED being alone on the weekends. It’s not so bad this year. Either I have more things to do to fill my time or I’m just becoming okay being alone and doing nothing. This weekend I am going to go to Nkurenkuru though because I have grocery shopping to do, have to pick up supplies for the feeding program as well as try and find stuff for the theater. It will be great to catch up with Sarah and hopefully spend some time with Rachel, Caleb and Levi - the newbies.

I finished watching the 2nd part to Zeitgeist the other day and was blown away. I’ve never felt or been very religious and even though I consider myself spiritual, in the past several years I’ve lost any belief I have in God - God as a human or diety sitting on a thrown ruling over all of us. They way they explain God in this documentary made perfect sense to me. Everything in the doc made sense to me.

Tuesday, February 3 - Sunday, February 8:

It looks like I may resort to doing journal entries once a week instead of every day, lol. It’s not that things aren’t going on, it’s that I’m so busy now that by the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is sit and type. It might also have to do with things starting to seem routine rather than ‘new’.

I have my 2 days of OVC stuff this week which went great. I have 2 new helpers since it was just going to be Joanna this year. The one helper is an older guy who studied to be a teacher but currently can’t find a job. He was OUTSTANDING with the youth. Patient, kind, persuasive…they really took to him. It actually gives me hope that this program might continue after I leave. I mentioned the idea to him and he seemed excited about it, so we’ll see.

Had our Thursday meeting and though only a few people showed up, it went really well. Ever since I mentioned last week to the people from Runda that we were going to start a garden there because all of them had kept up with their end of the maintenance of the garden here, they have taken the bull by the horns. They have had a community meeting, met with the headman, got a piece of land, brought me a list of what they would need to start. They are ready and it’s very exciting to see someone here take the initiative. It makes me want to help them that much more.

The Ministry of Home Affairs was also here for 2 days registering people for birth certificates and IDs. It’s a great thing that they have come to the community instead of people having to go to them. I asked if there was anything I could do to help either right now or after they leave. The guy was kind of an ass and kept telling me there is nothing I can do. Many people were coming to me for copies now that we have a machine, so I felt I was helping out somehow and next week I am going to help with lamination services for their documents.

Later on Friday, people started showing up with the actual forms they had to fill out to get their IDs saying they sent them down here to get copies made. I actually laughed out loud. I thought…this guy made it clear I couldn’t help and then they run out of stuff due to their own ability to think ahead and he expects me to make copies for them. Unfortunately, because it’s a personal printer/copier and the toner cartridges are so expensive, I HAVE to charge a minimum of R1.00 per copy. That means that the people had to pay R4 for their forms. It was so unfair that they had to do that but may hands were tied in this matter.

This weekend I went to visit Sarah. It was great because we hadn’t spent time together since early December of last year. We caught up, swapped vacation stories and hung out with some of the 28ers. I introduced Sarah to Project Runway and she was hooked…we ended up watching the entire 4th season this weekend.

Monday, February 9 - Sunday, February 15:

The week went by in a blur and nothing huge - whether good or bad - stuck out as noteworthy. I have a feeling this second year is going to be a lot like that. Now that I have a routine, some of the initial excitement and newness has begun to wear off.

One thing I suppose that came to my mind this week is the phrase ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink’. I had decided to use some money donated by a friend to purchase lamination sheets and offer free lamination of birth certificates - since the Ministry of Home Affairs was here for 2 days helping people get them. Usually this costs 8 rand in Rundu, so most people don’t have them laminated and they end up being useless in a short amount of time.

I would have thought that the news of free lamination of birth certificates would travel like wild fire and on last Friday when I has planned to do it, that people would be lined up outside my flat. This was not the case. I only ended up doing about 30. I was hoping for like 300, lol.

I have to say that it’s been one disheartening thing about my Peace Corps service. I realize it’s just me and my American attitude (and I also understand where much of the lack of motivation stems from), but I came into this thinking that the people I was here to help would just want to work SO hard and do anything to change their lives. But see, that’s my ego. And, it’s my judgment of them thinking they HAVE anything to change. Peace Corps is all about sustainability and capacity building and not letting our own opinions and thoughts get in the way of helping the community. But doesn’t a lot of it ultimately spill over?

We come here to change people’s lives. Who says they need to change? We think that having water and electricity are basic amenities because we can’t imagine NOT having grown up with them. But are they essential to every day life? Who am I to tell these people that this is something they need to strive for? Most people here live (thought difficultly) in more harmony with the earth than we do in America? They are not hoarding tons of crap they don’t need, spending money wastefully, polluting the planet, etc. Maybe they are the example of how to live more peacefully than we are.

A certain amount of ego HAS has got to come into play for me to be here and try to motivate people to live differently because I think they should. I’ve resigned myself to not implementing too many new ideas this second year. I would rather people come to me with their own and allow me to assist them.

Monday, February 16 - Thursday, February 19:

This week many people have continued to show up for lamination. I figured that would be the case. I will borrow the machine again in March and have another free day. The new garden watering schedule seems to be working well. People are showing up when they are supposed to. The maize is doing ‘okay’, just not growing as tall as I would like. Onions and carrots - not so hot. But the tomato plants are THRIVING! I am hoping we also have luck with the squash and cabbage that we planted this week. Even if we could find 2 things to grow during the summer and a couple to grow during winter, I would be happy.

I had a great time with the OVCs this week though I am finding it difficult to teach English and math, lol. They are all in different places and I try to keep it interesting to both the young and older ones. We watched a movie about Alaska and they were fascinated with the brown/black bears and caribou.

On thing of note that happened this week, was I had to confront Jaffet about something. Jaffet is part of a duo (him and Sakeus) and they have become like my ‘buds’. They come over ALL the time and we play and occasionally I feed them. I’ve sort of taken them under my wing as my little brothers. Well, I’ve noticed a couple of times that Jaffet has stolen from me. Little things like sweets and last week, some bread. At first I was like, well, this is Africa, it’s survival. The bread thing pissed me off though cause the day he did it I was actually making him lunch.

Well, when I went into my OVC classroom on Tuesday and was counting people’s points on the poster, I noticed areas where stickers had been removed. Many people were missing one or two. As I glanced down the board, I came upon Jaffet’s name and his was FULL of stickers with curled up edges. He’s only been to class once so at the max, he would have 2. He had 15. Given the fact that he’s stolen from me in the past, I knew right away he had done it. I made plans to confront him the next time I saw him. The next time was today.

He stopped by as usually and I immediately stopped what I was doing and took him over to the room and asked him why he did it. He claimed - rather defiantly - that it wasn’t him, that it was this other kid from church. I said, are you sure? He said yes. So I told him to go find this kid and bring him to me cause I wanted to confront him. I told him to do it right now and not come back to my house until he had the boy with him. See, I knew he was lying.

He leaves and about 4 minutes later comes to my door to inform me that he and I are not friends. It was hard not to laugh. But I sat down outside with him and asked him why. He said it was because I was accusing him and not believing him. I then proceeded to talk about the other things he’s stolen from me and how COULD I believe him if my past experience with him has shown me otherwise. I said, all he had to do was bring me the kid and if he confessed, I would apologize and things would be fine. So he leaves once again.

About 10 minutes later he returns and at my door, says he is sorry. I go and sit down outside with him and ask him what he’s sorry about. He says, ‘that’. I wanted him to tell me what, lol. So he did and I asked him why he lied to me and accused someone else. I said, if we are to be friends I have to trust you and right now I don’t. He didn’t have an answer for my question and so I sent him home. I told him to think about it and when he had an answer for me, he could come back…just not today.

Honestly, I felt bad watching him walk away…the kid has NOTHING. But, at the same time, I can’t support these actions and he needs to learn something from it - so I have to be a hard ass. I’m sure we will make up and things will be fine…I’m glad I’m leaving tomorrow for Windhoek for about a week…that’s his grounding period, lol.

Friday, February 20 - Monday, February 24:

Friday, thanks to Dinah and John, I made it to Rundu safely. I went to the TRC, dropped off all the stuff I was leaving there, ran a few errands and then met up with Gretchen and her mother at Omashari Lodge for dinner. It was great seeing her, laughing, catching up and meeting her mom and friend Elaine. I then made my way back to Ben’s house where I hung out with everyone there for a few hours before crashing.

Saturday I got up early and headed to the hike point. I waited for about 2 ½ hours for a ride and snagged a short trip to Grootfontein. Now. Everything in my head was telling me NOT to take the hike because Groot is such a black hole…but I had waited so long to get out of Rundu that I succumbed.

Once in Groot, I was stuck there for about 3 hours. I should have known. I finally took a hike to Tsumeb in hopes that I could catch a ride with a car coming from Oshakati or Odangwa. I waited there for about ½ an hour before getting a great ride from a pharmacist who knew all about Peace Corps and talked my ear off. He was great. He took me as far as Otjiwarongo and then gave me R$100 to take a taxi to Okahandja. Again…I am still taken aback by the generosity of people here. I ran into super spar to grab a bite to eat, snagged a taxi quickly and arrived in Okahandja around 6:15.

My friend Crisenzo (an Italian guy living in Windhoek) picked me up there and we caught up on the ride to his place. It was nice to shower, have a nice dinner and relax in front of the TV after such a long day.

Sunday I ran an errand to the mall and then Chris dropped me off at the PC office. I met up with Brook, Dave, Loren, Melissa, Ryan and Milan. Then we were transported to the airport to wait on the newbies. Once there, I ran into Tina whose brother and and his partner were waiting on their plane so they could head back to the states. It was nice to meet them and to catch up with her.

After a few hours, the new PCVs plane arrived and we greeted them with smiles and cheers. It took me back to the day we got off the plane and had the dazed and frightened looks on our faces. Heading in to the unknown. It was great meeting them and an amazing ‘soul’ check for me. To realize how far I’ve come since being here. How far I’ve grown. The obstacles I’ve faced and worked through. It was a nice, little proud moment for myself. Many imaginary pats on the back took place.

The rest of Sunday was spent getting them settled into the training center and answering a ton of questions. I loved it. I really wish we had had some volunteers there when we arrived. There so much they want (and we wanted) to know that we either didn’t want to ask PC directly or were tired of the ‘it depends’ answers they WERE giving us. It’s a good feeling to be there for these guys in this way and most have made comments about how helpful it’s been that we are here.

Monday they began their training sessions…which I sat in on. It took me back to the beginning and the days where I felt like going a bit loopy. More questions were asked and answered and I continue to enjoy the process of being the ‘experienced’ one. Like I mentioned above about the airport. It’s a nice reality check about where I’ve been to how far I’ve come. I took a small group into town for a quick tour, only to be called back to the center because they had medical interviews either I had forgotten about or they have forgotten to mention to me. Ooops. Bad VSN member…BAD!

Tuesday, February 24 - Thursday, March 5:

Tuesday’s training was more of answering many questions. I tried to have a movie night that night but I don’t think many were interested.

Wednesday I got up early to hike north. Shimon, the guy currently running the center, walked with me to the road. We had become friends over the past few days and he wanted to see me off.

Once out of town I was picked up by a policeman going to Otjiwarongo. It was a pleasant ride and he introduced me to Lucky Dube - a reggae artist from South Africa. He dropped me at the Engin there and within 15 minutes a German guy named Olf picked me up to drop me in Otavi. We had an amazing conversation - he was so progressive in his thinking. He even asked me if I had ever heard of ‘The Secret’, lol.

After about 30 minutes he offered to take me all the way to Groot. He claimed he just hadn’t driven it in awhile and wanted to see it…I think he was just a good guy and wanted to take me as far north as feasibly possible. Once in Groot - at the Total - I warded off the combi drivers - many who recognized me and immediately said, ‘oh, you’re going to free hike, yes’. About an hour passed (and I began to dread the black hole that is Groot), when Oliver and Eva - two german tourists - gave me a lift to Rundu. What’s funny, is that when they stopped for me and I introduced myself (without my name), they said…’are you Chaz?’. I was like..what the hell! They recognized me from couch surfing and said they had thought about contacting me but weren’t initially planning on going this far north in Namibia. We talked a bit and then I fell asleep.

In Rundu I went to the TRC and tried to make arrangements for transport the following day back to my village. I wanted a truck so that I could get some more fruit trees for the clinic. It wasn’t going to work out this time, so I planned on just hiking. I found out later that day that Tina, one of our Caprivi kids was heading back to the states and was coming through Rundu the next night. I really needed to get back to site and have a day to prepare for the theater but I also wanted to say goodbye. I opted to stay another night in Rundu.

It so happened that Sarah was coming in for the same reason and Juice was on his way to Okahandja, so we had a great time sending Tina home. She will be missed.

The next morning, I got up early to get back to site as quickly as I could. Sarah was going to hike with me but then a learner from the combined school that Lindsey taught at, had lost his mother the day before and she stayed behind to console and help him make arrangements. I can’t even imagine being 17, the eldest, and having to deal with the loss of my mom AND make all the arrangements.

I got a hike very quickly to Nkurenkuru from a driver that recognized me. Once there, it took about 90 minutes before I landed one the rest of the way to Mpungu. The rest of the day was spent unpacking and getting things ready for the next day.

Saturday morning we had out HIV Awareness Event which went well as usual. I have noticed that the last few events, not many people from the community show up. I am very eager for our clinic to get rapid testing for HIV so that we can take our event down into the community, instead of having it at the clinic.

We had a great lunch - people were happy to get meat for lunch, lol - and then I want to put up hooks for the movie screen and test the projector and sound system. We were set to go. Sarah was supposed to arrive on Friday but because of helping Franz, she arrived later today. She cooked dinner while I went to set up for the big event. It was sort of hard to believe that after a year of ‘preparation’, that the theater was finally happening.

At 6:30 I was happy to look around and see many more people than I had originally planned! We had a great turn out and I almost teared up when the HIV+ members of our groups stood up to talk about their status. I hope we can make waves against the stigma in this village with this theater.

At the end of the movie, everyone clapped and they all said they enjoyed it very much. One tate said it was ‘sweet’, lol. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that on next Saturday, when we charge money, that people will show up.

Sarah left on Sunday and I spent the rest of the day chilling out. Monday came and went with me doing paperwork and preparing for the week ahead. Tuesday’s OVC group was great - I was able to give them teddy bears from Mother Bear and toothbrushes and toothpaste from Colgate. Later that day, two couch surfers - Jessica and Michael - arrived from the northwest side. I had originally thought they were from Italy. However, they were both American - though Jess had been living in Italy for the past year. They have traveled extensively and are making their way through Africa.

The next few days I had a blast hangin out with them and showing them a little of my village. They were perfect guests and it was awesome to have visitors. They talked at length about their travels and made it sound so easy. I cannot WAIT to travel when I finish here. Sometimes I think that I should if I had had the money, I should have travel for a couple of years instead of joining PC. I’m not saying I haven’t enjoyed my experience and continue to do so, I just think I was looking for an adventure more than I was a ‘purpose’…does that make sense?

In the midst of my life here, I’ve been reading ‘The 4 Agreements’. I’ve read it before and loved it but for some reason it has more meaning to me now. I’ve just finished reading and re-reading the chapter on ‘Be Impeccible with Your Word’. It talks about how harmful the words we use can be to others AND ourselves. I know that I’ve always been very self-critical, but it’s very easy for me to criticize myself in the form of a joke if I mess up in the presence of others. I need to stop doing that. I need to stop calling myself stupid. I need to stop reinforcing the idea that I don’t have good memory. I need to DEFINITELY stop reinforcing the idea that I ‘don’t know what I’m doing’ or ‘don’t know how to do this or that’.

I’ve just gotten a couple of pages into the next chapter entitled ‘Don’t Take Things Personally’. The first thing that came to mind was my interaction with the other volunteers in my village. I realized that because my emotions were on a rollercoaster and my self-esteem was in the gutter - when I first arrived - that I was in serious VICTIM MODE. I SO wanted someone to take care of me and when the other PCVs here or VSOs didn’t behave like I felt they should have or I felt like I needed, I blamed them. I took all their words and all their actions painfully personally. They were all just being themselves…it was me feeling vulnerable and exposed.

Monday, December 1 - Friday, December 5:

Yesterday we piled and I do mean PILED into Sarah’s parent’s rented car and headed back to her site. It was fun to watch and listen to them and remember what it was like for us the first time we rode on that road. Their comments and oohs and ahhs. It was also really great to chat with them. They are awesome and Sarah is very lucky to have parents like that. So open and accepting. I realize everyone at some point thinks someone else has it better and that’s not what I mean. I just mean they are really cool people.

Once at her site we unpacked and I tried to contact my ride only to discover it wasn’t coming. I then thought I was going to have to try and hike with all this stuff which would NOT have been fun. I contacted my supervisor and discovered he was heading back from Rundu and would gladly pick me up. We then walked her parents around Nkurenkuru a bit though there was nothing much going on given it was a Sunday. It was still neat to watch their reactions to everything.

When Lyambezi showed up for my ride I discovered Eddie, the couchsurfer from New Orleans in the back. He and I had been making plans for him to come visit my site for a few weeks but I was never sure exactly when he was heading this way. Synchronicity man. We chatted on the drive back and I welcomed him to my place in Mpungu.

The past few days have been great having someone around and yet at the same time I’ve gotten so used to being on my own that I can feel that part of myself wanting my space again. Don’t get me wrong, he’s been a GREAT guest and I’ve never felt like I have to entertain him. He’s a Christian, but very laid back and he’s on this journey of hiking around Africa for about 4-6 months. After he leaves my place next week he begins making his way to Cairo.

My OVCs on Tuesday was great fun! I made them peanut butter sandwiches and we watched Harry Potter and the Scorcerer’s Stone. I then presented them with some school supplies that I was able to purchase thanks to Kim, Becky and Kim’s sister. They had sent me money earlier the past week and now they are going to start collecting donations throughout the coming year from clients in order for me to always have money for the kids. I might even be able to feed them each week. They were really happy!

Yesterday I had a meeting about the garden and I had to be a bit stern with them. The garden is NOT being watered regularly and things are dying. I am honestly worried about what will happen while I am gone for a month, but I hope they will maintain it responsibly.

I have been trying to work out transport for the fruit trees from Rundu and finally nailed down a day when I could have the truck. I then tried to contact the Ministry but with no cell network I had to purchase a phone card and use a pay phone - which is a pain in the ass. The first day the woman told me that Faustinus was out in the bush - IN MPUNGU - and could not be reached. She said she didn’t know what I was talking about (ie. the trees). I then called back the next day and a different woman said she’d check and that I should call back in an hour. I called back and a man answered. He didn’t know what I was talking about and started telling me about the proper procedure of doing things and that I needed to submit things in writing. Blah blah blah… I cut him off and explained that I had done all that and spoken directly to Faustinus. He said that I should wait until Monday when he is back. Next week is my last week and if I wait til then to get the trees then I only have a few days to plant 200 trees on the clinic site. On top of that I am supposed to go to Windhoek for an impression of a crown for replacement AND my money for the theater project is supposed to come in and I want to go there to purchase the equipment. When it rains it pours. Days and days without nothing to do and then BAM! A week of non-stop activity.

Saturday, December 6 (early morning):

An interesting thing happened yesterday. I received a text from either Alex or Christine, probably Christine, though I had erased all the 26ers phone numbers from my cells because they were heading home. She said she had just read my blog for the first time and was sorry that I felt that way about them. It took me a minute to understand what she meant. She said she was going to forward my blog to Dinah and John - though I didn’t really understand why that was necessary.

See…my blog is basically my journal cut and pasted. My journal is my personal experience here in Africa - every part of my personal experience. It does exactly what a journal is supposed to do. You use a journal to emote into and hopefully gain insight into yourself in the process. Most people’s are private and not available for public viewing. I choose to put mine out there for my friends and the world to see because of 2 reasons. 1. Someone might have insight into what I’m feeling and can help me see something I cannot. 2. Someone might be going through the same thing or feeling the same way and it’s nice to know ‘you’re not the only one’ sometimes.

After the text sunk in, I went to this worried, stomach turning place and I thought to myself, what’s the lesson in this? If my experience here is all about personal growth, why am I feeling weird and uncomfortable? What is there to learn? At first I thought it might be a lesson in NOT sharing everything I’m feeling with the world. This came from thinking that now I have repercussions to face when the VSOs return. And then, without much more contemplation I realized that NO. The lesson here is about standing up for myself and truly not caring what people think - which is something I’ve struggled with my entire life.

If Dinah and John, more so Dinah, choose to take personally my ‘in the moment’ feelings about a given situation, I have no control over that. The words in my journal depict how I am feeling at that time and do not always express my general consensus about a given person or situation. This is who I am. I am an out loud processor. It’s what keeps me mentally healthy and stress free. It keeps me from hanging on to negative shit and letting it eat away at me. I cannot change who I am in this regard because I’m worried about what someone else thinks of me.

I do not apologize for anything that is written in my journal. I’m not writing a story or trying to tell some fictitious tale about my experience. It’s David, raw and exposed. I spent too many years as a child and adolescent keeping my feelings, thoughts and beliefs locked up inside me for fear of the judgment of others. THAT’S not who I am any more.

Sunday, December 7 - Thursday, December 11:

This is my last week here before heading to the Cape for vacation. Can I just say that I understand the phrase ‘chomping at the bit’ now? I am so eager to go and yet at the same time, I feel like In the past two weeks I have begun to fall in love with this place. Funny huh? I still need a break - TRUST ME! But things are finally starting to fall into place and funds are coming in and connections for funds are being made - so I no longer feel like my hands are tied.

I made a great ‘re-connection’ with my church, New Though Unity Center . The few that I am email back and forth with seem to be very eager to jump into some of my projects here. It will be awesome to have their support - emotionally and spiritually as WELL as financially.

Monday morning Eddie and I got up early and rode to Rundu with the car that needed to be repaired. I thought it worked out great to accomplish some things in town, get him a ride, as well as pick up some of my trees from the Ministry of Forestry. Well, NAMIBIA NAMIBIA, I was stuck there for the night so I crashed at Cobra’s place. Then, the car wasn’t ready until 4:30 the following day. We raced to the Ministry only to discover that people were clocking out and no one wanted to do the paperwork. THEN, some woman who I’d never came out Faustinus and said that we didn’t have the right paperwork or official stamps and couldn’t have this or that. I was furious. 4 months I’ve been working on this…I wasn’t ABOUT to leave without trees in the back of our car. I bitched and moaned and caused a rucous and rode back to Mpungu happily with 50 guava and papaya trees!

I’ve been planting a few trees each day to get them in the ground before I leave. I had my last meeting about the upcoming event and the garden with the group. We rearranged the schedule again in hopes that the garden would not die while I was gone. We also made final plans for the HIV awareness event on Saturday. I introduced a new game that got them really excited.

OH I didn’t even tell you the best news - I got a text that the money for my theater project was deposited into my account. So I am leaving a few days earlier in order to go to Windhoek and purchase the equipment. That way, it’s in the Peace Corps office and when the Rundu driver comes down for repair, he can bring it back for me. You have no idea how excited I am about getting this project going. Also, once we have rapid testing at our clinic, we will become mobile. I now just need to write a proposal for a generator so that we can go into the bush and show movies, do HIV education and HIV testing in villages 20-30k away. This next year is going to be GREAT! I have it all planned out what I am going to accomplish and the funds should be here to do everything.

Right now Sakeus and Jaffe have stopped by to watch a movie. I have my Christmas lights on, Christmas tree from Patti lit and playing holiday music. They are dancing like they were in a club. It’s cute and great and yes, I’m LOVING this.

Friday, December 12 - Saturday, December 13:

I don’t remember much about Friday, but the event on Saturday was successful and everyone had a great time. Now begins my journey south to Cape Town. On the way to the hike point I was picked up by a car going to Nkurenkuru via Zone. I took it for fear of not finding another. I have never been to Zone. It’s very green and lush there. It continues to amaze me that you can turn off of a main road, travel a couple of kilometers through nothing and then come upon a village. I am sitting under a tree while the driver visits with his family at the homestead. Isn’t it funny…? In the states we’d never pick up a hitchhiker let alone take him/her with us to our relatives’ house. Here it’s just part of life. I hope to make it to Rundu today and travel to Windhoek tomorrow. I am SO ready for this vacation!

Tonight, after it taking close to 6 hours to reach Rundu, was probably the bumpiest hike of my life. I hung out with Cedar and Kerri and went to bed early .

Sunday, December 14:

We got up early to hit the road. I went to the TRC first to make a sign and grab my tent - though I decided I didn’t really need it. I went to the hike point before them but after an hour, they arrived and I still hadn’t snagged a ride. About 30 minutes later we ALL got a ride in the back of an el camino type car. It was dreary and overcast and we thought for sure we’d get rained on. With it being so cloudy, none of us thought to put on sunscreen. Between that and how cold it was, who knew we’d arrive in Windhoek, 7 hours later - battered, sore, necks cramped and burnt to a crisp! You could cook eggs on our faces and legs. It’s really scary sometimes how intense the African sun is.

We dropped our bags at the place Kerri and Cedar were staying (where I am crashing on the floor) and I went to the PC lounge for the internet. SCORE! It was full of stuff the 26ers left behind. I now have stickers, a tape measure, bras, clothes, books, CD cases and many other things to use as prizes for our HIV awareness events. I also talked to Stephanie in the office about having ALL the clothes shipped north if no one claimed them.

I went to the store to buy stuff to make a salad for dinner and then they decided to go for pizza at the mall. I went along for the company and in taking a short cut, we found ourselves in a fair ground like area that was deserted. We ended up having to climb a barbed wire fence to get out.

Monday, December 15 - Wednesday, December 17:

The last few days have been rushing around trying to get everything for the theater project. Yesterday at 3:00 when I bought the last piece and felt like my vacation had officially started. I got all the equipment back into the storage at the PC office. I also met up with my friend Karel who used to live in Mpungu. Then last night Jehan and I went to dinner and had a blast. I’ve always really enjoyed her but this was the most 1 on 1 time we’ve had. We walked from there to the Chameleon where Claire was staying and hung out for a bit. This morning we got up early to start hiking around 8 am. After 3 hours, Carlos who is driving all the way to Cape Town, picked us up. A free ride ALL the way.

I’ve never been south of Windhoek and I can say this…I like the north MUCH better. We’ve been driving now for like 5 hours in nothing. Total desert. I mean literally nothing! Towns are spaced about 300k form one another. I feel like I am in ‘The Hills Have Eyes 3’.

Thursday, December 18:

This morning, Claire and I arrived at Long St. at 3:00 am. We had not even gotten our bags out of the car when we were offered to buy some weed. We said goodbye to Carlos - forgot my Nalgene in his car - and started looking for a hostel. Fortunately the first one we stopped at had a twin room so we took it, brushed our teeth and went right to bed.

I awoke at 7, not ever being able to sleep in and we packed, moved our things to the hostel Claire had reservations at, and went to breakfast. Croissants stuffed with scrambled eggs, portabella mushrooms, fresh basil and parmesean. After a year in the village - this was heaven. Speaking of food, I forgot to mention that the night before, Carlos stopped in Springbok and bought us dinner. He was very sweet.

After breakfast we walked around, bought some jewelry, a painting and a tapestry at the craft market, bought our South African phone cards from a Persian guy from Toronto and had another great meal for lunch. This place is amazing. So beautiful and so diverse. The only downside so far is that I am more aware -after being in the corps for a year - that all the service staff - everywhere you go - is black. Maybe it’s something I never noticed in the states, but here it’s so apparent.

Long St. is similar to gaslight Clifton in that it’s hip, laid back - you see dreads and tattoos and supermodels. Seriously, supermodels! We kept thinking we’d run into the other PCVs that are here but they continued to elude us.

I stopped by a tattoo place to schedule an appt. A year in the bush deserves a mark. When we walking around we saw a 7/11 and a McDonalds. I mean really, where are we?

I touched base with Geoffrey and made plans for taking the train in the morning to Somerset West where we will go to a sculpture exhibit and then head to the mountains for the weekend. On his suggestion, Claire and I took a taxi to the waterfront to see the sunset. We walked around all the shops - Guess, Jimmy Choo, Louis Vitton - again, where the hell are we? We decided to have dinner at a thai place and between the view of the clouds on Table mountain, the sushi appetizer, pad thai noodles, live music and people watching..I was over come with joy. I was on vacation! A real vacation. One that will rejuvenate my soul for my final year.

After Haagen Daaz for dessert - yes, Haagen Daaz! - we headed back to Long St. where we ran into Obie, Mila and Katie finishing up their dinner. We headed to Mesopotamia (a Turkish restaurant) to smoke shishah from a hookah. My first true hookah experience. It was nice with the mint tea I was drinking. Afterwards it was seriously time for bed.

Friday, December 19 - Saturday, December 20 (early):

After breakfast, Claire walked me to the train station to head to Plumstead. It was cheap and easy to navigate and I had a splendid conversation with Donald, a retired financial something or other. Once there, I met Jodi and Felix - dancer friends of Janines - and we headed to Somerset West. Geoffrey’s place is amazing. Surrounded by a wild garden - this 150 year old house is quaint and comfortable. While they were preparing lunch I went for a swim in the pool - I can’t believe I’ll be staying here for a few days.

After lunch we went to a museum in Stellenbosch to see a Rodin exhibit. Driving through these well manicured streets and gated communities filled with amazing foliage…I really began to wonder where I was. Then we’d pass a township, which is basically a location, and I’d see the shacks where people desperately try to carve out a life and I’d remember - I’m in Africa.

The exhibit was brilliant but I was overwhelmed. All this beauty. All this creativity. It made me think about all the stimulation - creative or otherwise - I’ve received in my life. Every painting, TV sow, song, amusement park, county fair, family reunion, school play, Halloween - all of those millions of things that shaped who I am today. Shaped all of us. What if all of it was gone? Taken away? Erased. Who would we be? What kind of - if any - motivation would we have to exist? To succeed? To thrive? Those in my village that I am trying to help, face exactly that. They have had so little stimulus to feed their souls that the perceived laziness and apparent alcoholism seem very minor to how I think I’d behave.

We returned to Geoffrey’s where we packed the cars and headed to the mountain. This place is spectacular. A small, one room cottage, with a loft at the base of these enormous cliffs with a view of the town down below and the ocean beyond it. Even the toilet is outside, away from the house, with no walls - overlooking the valley. What a way to take a shit. I’m telling you.

I slept so peacefully last night and this morning during breakfast, enjoyed watching a group of baboons playing on the hillside. Today we are hiking towards the cliffs and I’m gonna swim in the pool formed by the stream running alongside the cottage. This is the perfect start to my 3 weeks in South Africa.

Saturday, December 20:

I hiked and explored the stream bed with Felix and Geoffrey. I always get recharged being in nature but it was great watching them because they are SO into it. Throughout the day I had amazing conversations with Geoff about spirituality, racism, apartheid, Africans - life in general. Our views seem to be similar though I feel his may go much deeper than mine. I don’t mean that mine are superficial, just that he’s done more contemplation in his life and that part of mine is just beginning. I thought we’d make it up to the cliffs today but that will have to wait until tomorrow.

Sunday, December 21:

Today, I got up and read a bit, then after breakfast - Felix, Geoff and I headed up the mountain. I wasn’t sure how far we’d get but after an hour so found ourselves at the base of the cliffs. The view was mind boggling. Felix headed back to the cabin because he needed to get back to Cape Town early. Geoff and I continued to explore, having great conversations long the way.

We decided to head back alon the stream bed which was amazing. Scrambling down rocks, taking breaks to swim in the pools. The only thing I kept freaking out about was all the spiderwebs with the big juicy inhabitants. I had a run-in with a giant spider when I was a boy and I suppose it scarred me.

We made it back to the cabin around 2:30, rested, packed up, swam some more, then headed down the mountain. I decided to have them drop me at the Shell station cause I figured it would be easier for Piet to pick me up. I’ve decided to stay with him for a bit.

H picked me up and came to his beautiful house with lush gardens and a nice warm pool. Really. Once again, where am I? He’s Afrikaaner and yet our conversations are very different from the ones I’ve had with whites in Namibia. He’s very laid back and doesn’t appear to be racist in any way. I am just slightly concerned about his motivations for letting me stay. He’s made some innocent sexual references even though I tried to make it clear on the internet prior to my coming, that it wasn’t part of my intention in finding free places to stay.

Monday, December 22:

Did I mention how badly I am peeling? It’s been so long since I’ve not had a lengthy, daily exposure to the sun that I am shedding like an under-watered Christmas tree. And speaking of which, it’s difficult for me to fathom that it’s in a couple of days. Even though I hear the music and see the decorations, I don’t feel festive. So another holiday I miss and another next year. Damn.

Yesterday Piet dropped me off at the local mall while he had a few hours work. I sat around and people watched. I became very aware of how all the wait staff, cleaning staff, etc. was black while ALL the people perusing the mall were white or colored. There were no Black Africans - which is a strange way to say it - shopping in the mall.

Somerset West is this absolutely beautiful place of big houses and rolling lawns and lush gardens with secured, fenced in properties filled with white Africans. While the blacks life outside of town in shacks - literally, shacks made out of tin and cement. It made me wonder about the US. If I looked around there would I notice all those jobs filled by African Americans? Have I just always been oblivious to it? Or is it really a mixture of everyone and so here the difference stands out more?

It’s interesting talking to Piet about it because he’s very liberal and accepting. He told me that he felt South Africa had a ways to go but that there was a time in recent history that they whites realized their parents were wrong about apartheid and ‘woke-up’. People in American can admit slavery was wrong but have we done anything or feel responsible for doing anything about it? Piet talks a lot about how here, people actually stand up to their government. They protest. Newspapers write actual truths. The public is not duped - like we are in America, he says. He said that most people here don’t believe Americans are really ‘free’ because of the bubble we are either forced or choose to lie in. I think I agree with him. We are so controlled and anesthetized by our world. The news keeps us in constant fear of the world around us. Magazines and television tell us what to buy, what to wear, how to feel about ourselves, what medication to take if we feel ‘off’ in any way and then give us 800 channels of mindless entertainment to keep us ‘distracted’. Doesn’t it make you think about the motivation behind all of that? Who is benefiting? Drug companies, media moguls, he government. I understand message in V for Vendetta. I understand why people risk their lives to stand up to their government. What I wonder, is if there are other Americans that feel the same, why aren’t we doing something about it?

Piet then points out that we are beginning to with the recent election. He compares the similarities between the change in South Africa and what’s going on in the states. Could Obama lead to an unimaginable new era in American History? God, I hope so. So after all that depth, I walked around Cape Town, exploring shops, craft markets, the beach - I’m finding it difficult thinking about returning to my village. I’m finding myself not really thinking about my village al all. Is that bad?

Tuesday, December 23 - Wednesday, December 24:

So the other day (damn, I just realized how often I start my journal with ‘so…’), Piet had a little somethin’ somethin’ planned for the morning, so I used his scooter to return DVDs (yes, I rented DVDs) and go pick up a bag at Geoffrey’s. Then he dropped me off at the train station so I could get back to Cape Town. I got my head shaved for R15 and then met up with Joe for lunch. He introduced me to Kris - a former front girl for a punk band in England, Dylan - who has a house in Sri Lanka, and Gretchen - an American VSO. All of them working in northern Namibia near me!

We had a great lunch of jerk chicken nachos at a dive called Mojito’s and then Piet met us there. He and I had planned on going to the botanical gardens, so he invited everyone to join. The gardens are at the base of Table mountain and are truly spectacular. We spent the rest of the afternoon there and in the process, I really got to know Dylan better. Great guy! And I have a place to stay in Sri Lanka whenever I want. Piet then offered to drive us to Cape Point the next day. Piet and I returned to Somerset and went to see ‘The Women’.

The morning of Christmas eve I found myself shopping with Pete for a gift for his mum. While in the bookstore, I started crying - it came out of nowhere. Homesickness brought on by the festiveness of the season around me. We finished there then headed to pick everyone up. Again, great conversation with Piet. I have a completely different take on Afrikaaners now - at least those of South Africa.

The drive to the point (where the 2 oceans meet) was breathtaking. It included ssing the penguins at Boulder’s Point, lunch in Simon’s Town - calamari, yum - and ending with probably the most amazing scenic views I’ve ever witnessed. On the top of the mountain, by the lighthouse, seeing 2 oceans at once. How do you come down from a high like that? I am also falling in love with Gretchen and Kris - they are wonderfully spirited.

Back in CT, I checked into my hostel, met up with the rest of the 27ers to go shopping for Christmas dinner (Mexican for Christmas in South Africa…hows that???) and then to Masal Dosa for dinner. It’s a lesbian owned Indian/Persian restaurant. We had 3 courses that included a sevi pevu appetizer, dosa for an entrée and cardamom flavored ice cream with crushed cashews for dessert. Seriously, how do I return to my village after this? Seriously!!

I then met up with Joe and we walked to Da Waterkant, which is the ‘gay’ area. It was early and there wasn’t much going on, but the night slowly gained momentum. The lack of black men was sort of shocking. It was ALL whites Afrikaaners or tourists and colored guys. Colored here is used for the descendants of blacks who married the Dutch and German settlers. It’s not a derogatory word like it is in the states.

I did talk to one guy from the Congo at Bronx and then got into a very nice conversation with David, a Kenyan, at Manhattens. Yes, both named after New York, lol. I then tried to real in Joe for the walk back to the hostel. Everyone had said don’t walk around at night, but I felt completely safe. Joe and David headed in one direction and I another. There was a street vender selling falafels which looked great so it became my first Christmas present to myself - since it was 2 in the morning! It was delicious. Too tired to brush my teeth I headed to bed with my ear plugs and slept soundly.

Thursday, December 25 - Friday, December 26 (early):

Christmas day. In Africa. Quite unlike the same day in America. I have found myself missing many elements of the holidays that in the states I complained about. What I miss the most is the energy. I do feel like, for a very short period, no matter who you are or what you believe, that during Christmas there is a small window where the majority of the world is at peace. You can feel it in the air. Thought I did feel it very slightly here, it wasn’t the same. Africa is an amazing continent with so many problems and no easy answers. In talking with other volunteers from different organizations and just people from all over Africa, it’s clear there aren’t any. Most people, sitting in their homes in other parts of the world are completely clueless to what actually goes on here and what it will or would take to incite change. Black Africans want progress and many want the things we have but they cling so tightly o traditional ways and most lack any sense of ‘thinking about tomorrow’ because of the struggle to survive each day. The task of change seems impossible. But enough philosophy.

Yesterday I hung with Claire a bit in the morning, had McDonalds! For lunch then met up with the rest of Nam27 to plan dinner. At one point I took a nap and then found myself on the balcony of the hostel having a conversation with 4 guys from Sydney, Holland, Morocco and Egypt. This sort of thing never happens in Cincinnati. The Egypt guy actually lives and teaches drama in Tsumeb! I want to stay in touch with him because he could possibly do something with my OVCs.

Christmas dinner was amazing and our Mexican fiesta - which we celebrated with volunteers from Mozambique - was festive. Afterwards we were all very tired and went our separate ways. Claire, her brother, and I came up here to the balcony and hung out with Odie, Andraak, Farol and Henshrid. I found myself having to stand up for Peace Corps with Andraak. He seemed to have a negative opinion of it. I finally got tired of staring at him and went to bed.

Today I’m going to hike Table mountain with some friends when head to Somerset to crash at Piet’s again before heading to Hermanis for a shark dive - NOT me…Dylan.

Friday, December 26 - Saturday, December 27:

Friday I was going to hike the mountain with some friends but they were hungover so I decided to explore some on my own. I ended up walking 3 hours to Camps Bay and hanging at the beach for a bit before cabbing it back to Long St. I grabbed some lunch, had a chat with a rasta then met up with Kris, Gretchen and Dylan for a movie. We missed ‘Twilight’ so saw ‘Madagascar 2’ instead, then grabbed our things before Piet picked us up for Somerset. We did a braai and then crashed.

Saturday we took our time leaving and headed to Hermanis around 11. We took our time, stopping and exploring the beauty along the way. We arrived in the afternoon, checked into the hostel then grabbed dinner. There is some tension between the girls and Dylan and so I find myself being sort of a buffer. It’s fine. I enjoy all 3 of them. When we got back to the hostel we had a beer and then played some cards. We were joined in our room by an older French woman who is sort of cranky. She kept complaining about the smell - which was Dylan’s feet mind you - but I’s a hostel, not a 5 star!

We were awoken around 3 in the morning to Dylan coming in drunk. He tried to jump into his bed and brought it down on top of the French woman - funny. Today we got up early to get to the place for the diving. I was concerned about seasickness but forgot Dramamine, so it was too late. I chugged ginger beer instead. It didn’t hit me until we were out in the water - in the cage IN the water - that I would be inches from a great white shark. It wasn’t long before one arrived. HUGE! About 15 ft long. The adrenalin was amazing! It sort of attacked the corner of our cage and then swam by rightin front of us - inches from us! Dam! How do you put that into words?

Once out of the cage I saw a few more up close throughout the day. Overall - WELL worth the R795. We returned to Hermanis and have been chilling with cards and TV. And gelato! Tonight I’m going to have great seafood with the other PCVs and tomorrow it’s off to Wildernis. How do I go back to the village after this? (tends to be the theme of this holiday). Kris is playing the guitar and singing in the other room right now. It’s beautiful.

Sunday, December 28 - Monday, December 29:

Sunday evening I enjoyed dinner with the other volunteers at a nice - well, very nice - steak house (instead of seafood). I then headed to bed while they watched ‘We are Marshall’. With no time schedule in the morning, the four of us took our time packing and heading out of Hermanis to Wildernis.

The drive here was breathtaking. So green and full of hills. Every time we crested a hill you could see miles and miles of hay fields, grazing lands, ostrich and sheep farms, winelands and forests. This part of South Africa is NOT how most Americans would visualize this continent. There were plenty of moments, as we wound out way through the pine covered hills, that I felt I was in the smokey mountains of KY or parts of Virginia.

We finally arrived at Asanti, which is like a hippie Afrikaaner camp ground complete with dreaded guys smoking hash and everyone walking around barefoot. Lots of tow headed children running around between what appears to be several different mothers. It’s like I’ve entered a grunge-like Arian love commune complete with nirvana being blasted in the common room. I taught the gang spades and while we waited for veggie lasagna to be prepared in a clay oven, we drank ciders and laughed our assess off. Tomorrow we go canoeing, kloofing and abseiling.

Tuesday, December 30:

We got up this morning, had a great breakfast, Dylan headed off for a whole day’s adventure and myself and the girls played cards until it was time to go abseiling. Kris introduced us to ‘shithead’ which is not my favorite card game ever! Jannis drove us to the adventure site and we headed into the canyon. It was breathtaking. Hanging off the side of this rocky cliff, hundreds of feet above a tidal pool. Abseiling is similar to repelling. We actually scaled down the cliff wall into the water. After a few times, some of us decided to swim and get in some kloofing - which is basically cliff diving. Mine was more like cliff cannon balling but at least now I can say I’ve ‘kloofed’.

We had decided to make pizza for dinner so we met up with Dylan afterwards to hit the store. Some drama went down over money then no one wante to make pizza anymore. There has been a lot of, well drama is the best word, going on with the 3 of them since I came into the picture I think it’s understandable when different personalities spend a lot of time together - especially when you are travelling. It hasn’t affected my vacation in any way, so I’m not really concerned.

The remainder of the night we played cards in a hash smoke infested pool room where I do believe I had somewhat of a contact buzz. It’s fun being the one not doing drugs in a crow of those partaking. It’s funny.

Wednesday, December 31:

Dylan and I spent 4 hours driving back to Cape Town through some of the most beautiful countryside I’ve ever seen. We got to Piet’s early and since he had lunch plans, we went to the beach for lunch. Piet drove us into town around 3 and I began the mad search for a place to rest my head. I only had to go to 2 places before I found something. I wish I had looked further. I was in a dorm room on the first floor directly next to the bar that was setting up the loud speakers for a party. Sleep? What is sleep? Lol.

Once I checked in and showered, I met up with the rest of the 27ers to figure out dinner. After deciding on the waterfront, we headed out. I had gotten an sms from a friend about a big street party in Green Point that I was considering attending, but at R400, I changed my mind.

We put our names in at an Italian place and hung outside with bottles of champaign in bags. We’re so classy, us PCVs. I really love these guys but am so aware of age when I hang with them.

We were finally seated inside when I got an sms from Justin telling me the party was only R250. I figured it was worth that much to hangout with a beer and be a little gay. I left my friends and headed to that part of town. The whole way there I questioned what I was doing leaving friends to hang with strangers on the final new years of my 30s. I walked past the various bars, noticing the cover charges and ended up with a cider at Manhattens. It seems to be the only one where you will find black African men. I sat alone, watching the crowd, realizing I was yet again, alone and melancholy knocked on the door. I just thought about my life and where I am and so on and started smiling. A really, big, shit-eating grin! I love my life and am very happy. It became clear that the only thing really missing was someone to share it with. This of course led me to think about Mark. And this led to me wanting to kiss a cute black boy to remind me of him. It didn’t happen. I was sitting on the curb, with a beer, alone when my phone told me it was 2009. It’s okay though. It really is.

I hung out pathetically there until around 1:30 then headed back to Long St. where I met up with the others and newbies that had arrived this week. We caught up, hung out til around 3:30 then all went home. As I lay in bed trying to sleep, my body shaking from the thump of the speakers, I wished everyone I knew a Happy New Year and drifted off.

Thursday, January 1 - Friday, January 2 (6 am):

New Years day was spent chilling and meandering. I went to breakfast at Rcafe for a ricotta stuffed omelet sandwich with chives on herb bread…delicious! I then hit an internet café for a bit before meeting up with the PCVs. The remainder of the day included lunch, Extreme Home Makeover and Chinese take-away.

I am sitting here this morning not being as introspective as I would have imagined. I know 40 is a milestone but right now it just feels like any other day. Age never has been an issue for me and I certainly don’t feel like I think I should. I guess the only thing I am contemplative about is why I’m alone at 40. I don’t think I’m lonely per se but I do want to share my life with someone and I wonder why it hasn’t happened yet. Well, I know why - my insecurities, my inability to commit - but I think I mean more about that ‘connection’ to someone that comes with full acceptance. That ‘match’ that I’ve felt on different levels in the past but why hasn’t’ it ‘stuck’? Am I too controlling? Not compromising? Too caught up in my own stuff? Too picky? Too judgmental? Yes, it’s probably call those things. Actually, even as I write all this, I realize I’m not all that concerned about it afterall. I won’t be 100% ready for a relationship until I heal and love myself enough to where I don’t ‘need’ one to fill any type of void. I feel closer to that place every day.

Friday, January 2 (the big 40!):

I don’t think I could have asked fro a better birthday. I intended to start with breakfast at Lola’s but they were not open so I had some yoghurt and muesli instead. Then, Nick, Milan and I went to the Turkish baths. Between the steam, sauna, and pool, I felt my pores open, release their toxins, and walked out refreshed and almost high. Nick and I decided to hunt for massages, but after no luck, had a lunch of greasy calamari and fish. We then perused the cxraft market for a bit before I split with them to head to the waterfront with Milan and Katie. There we boarded the ferry to Robbin Island to visit the prison where Mendella was incarcerated for 18 years. I thought it would be more emotional but between the ‘speed’ of the tour and the fact that I had never read his book, it was anti -climactic. The tour itself left you no time to just wander and absorb the history.

Once back at the Cape, we headed to the sushi place to meet up with the others. I proceeded to have the most delicious, extravagant meal I’ve had since I left the states. The fish was exquisite and I didn’t even flinch when my bill came to R300.

We grabbed Haagen Daaz afterwards and then walked to Green Point. The girls had never been to a gay bar so were full of questions and comments. Milan got cruised a lot and Nick even got a phone number but the birthday boy left that evening empty handed and without even a celebratory kiss, lol. We walked back to Long St. where I headed to bed.

Saturday, January 3:

I lost my camera today. The camera itself is not all that important but it’s loss is. First, every photo I’ve taken on my Cape Town holiday is gone. Second, I now have no means to take photos at my site. I’m upset but I’m not upset. It’s a strange thing. I truly am sad for those two reasons but then not as sad as I would have expected myself to be. I’m still trying to figure this one out.

I lost the camera hiking Table mountain. It was an amazing hike and the views were spectacular. I went up with Justin and Tom, 2 white South Africans. They semed like really nice guys. But then when they were taking me back to the hostel, we got stuck in some traffic caused by a carnival that was taking place It was some type of colored celebration. As people tried to cross the streets in front of us, the racist comments and name called began. I sat in uncomfortable silence. I wanted to say something but then was reminded of something Milan had said to me a few days earlier. ‘We don’t know their personal history’. True, I don’t. It still felt weird but then it occurred to me. I’ve been stuck in downtown Cincy during the Jazz festival before and though I never yelled obscenities at people, negative thoughts did fill my head. They were as blatant as this, but they were still comments directed at a specific group of people due to my own impatience. Are we all a little racist on some level due to our upbringing and society in general? It made me think of Mark and I. When people would discover he was black, there would sometimes be comments - not negative, just acknowledgment of him being black. I used to always say that ‘I don’t see color, I just see Mark’. I read an article in a local rag where a few days ago discussing that very thing. A black person was upset when someone said that. She commented, ‘Why wouldn’t you see my color?’. We are, as Americans, sometime so sanitized to be politically correct. To not see race. But to choose not to see it means we are not acknowledging our differences and in the process, eliminating what makes each of us special. It’s as though we are trying to homogenize the entire human race into a new category - but isn’t NOT labeling and judging people for their differences the main goal? I really understand the phrase celebrate diversity now. In order to fully accept another person you have to acknowledge their uniqueness.

Even with myself, I’ve always said that I’m neither ashamed nor proud of my sexuality - it’s just a part of who I am. But…it IS a part of who I am and not wanting people to necessarily know it outright tells me I may still have some shame in it. I’ve always liked the ft hat s people can’t ‘tell’ from looking at me. I’ve even felt lucky because of it. But that’s shame and embarrassment, isn’t it? If I truly, deep down, was 100% okay with who I was, it really wouldn’t matter if they could tell or not. I love realizations like this but then sometimes, when you think you’ve worked so hard on yourself, you dig a layer deeper and find more shit. The road to fully loving oneself is very long. I just hope I have the patience for it.

Sunday, January 4 - Tuesday, January 6:

Sunday was a chilled out day. It had to be - my legs were on fire! For whatever reason I can’t remember the rest of the day. Mark has been on my brain lately. I’m not sure if I mentioned this or not but I sent him an email a few days back - spilling my heart. I basically told him that I was in love with him still and wanted to try a long distance relationship. What was I expecting his response to be? It took him a few days to get back to me and I was a little sad - though understanding - of his unwillingness. He asked me how I knew I loved him. He then created a list of his reasons why he loved me. I sat there starring at them. They were all about him actually. I wanted to write back an tell him I know I loved him cause I felt it, but I thought I’d come up with a list as well. My list was ALL about him. I found that interesting. It then made me wonder - do our lists mesh?

I’m having my doubts that they do. I fear that Mark is in his head when it comes to me. His reasons were all things he did - he respected me, he worked hard to improve our relationship, he tried to make me happy every day - none of those are really about me. These email exchanges have shed some interesting light on our relationship.

Monday I had breakfast at Rcafe then went to the movies to see ‘Australia’. I then was picked up by Lwazi, a black South African, who was letting me cras at his place. This was very educational. His father is the major of Durban and he’s met Oprah. He’s had a very different experience than most blacks here. His house (that he only uses 2 months out of the year) is spectacular. I talked his ear off about race relations, especially within the gay community. Fascinating.

I heard again from Mark with a more intimate list of reasons why he loved me. I have no doubt that he has and does. I just wonder if there’s a chance for us to start anew at some point in the future.

Today, Lwazi drove me back to the Cape, I checked into Abantu for the night, met up with Nick, Heather and Natalie and hung for the day. I went and got my nose pierced before going for my tattoo. I love my new ink though I do wish I would have gotten the ‘ohm’ symbol in red. We went to dinner at a fantastic Ethiopian restaurant then grabbed a drink at Marvel. Overall, a perfect last night in the Cape.

Wednesday, January 7:

We got up early, packed up, grabbed breakfast, hiked to the train station, missed our train, found a minibus and got dropped off along the highway to begin our journey home. We were trying for about 90 minutes with nothing. We then decided Nick and I should stay hidden and just let the girls hike. Within minutes we had our first ride going 80k out of town. On the way there I sent a thank you sms to Piet and low and behold, he was 5 minutes from us on his way to vacation.

He offered 2 of us a ride 300k and though I was set to take it, the others were nervous about hiking alone in SA. I thanked Piet and apologized and sent him on his way. Within minutes a sheep truck stopped and Heather, not liking to turn down rides if people stop, accepted a 35k ride with Nick and I IN the back WITH the sheep. He was shat on several times during that. One for the books I supposed. Our next hike took us 20 minutes to get and 30k further. I kept thinking that if this was how we were creeping back to Windhoek, it would take a week.

At the next place, we grabbed food at a petrol station, then back to the road. After a bit, 4 PCVs who had rented a car stopped by and had room for both of Nick’s marimbas. Moments after, we were picked up by 2 young Afrikaaners going all the way to Windhoek - BUT…over the course of several days. They would take us to about 200k south of Keets. Good enough.

Last night, after spending almost 2 hours getting through customs at the border, we camped along the river. I slept outside, without a tent to the sound of the nearby water. It was wonderful.

Thursday, January 8 - Friday, January 9:

We got up and packed the truck and headed out. We had planned on getting out at the petrol station and hiking from there. Jacob said he could drop us outside Keets but he was going to drive through the canyons a bit to show Carla and did we want to tag along. Sure!

The desert was amazing, hot and beautiful. AT one point we found ourselves at a lodge where we snuck in and swam for a bit. Jacob then showed us on the map where his grandfather’s game ranch was and said that we were welcome to stay the night and go to Sossusvlei the next day with them. It took me a split second to say yes while the others pondered.

We drove to the ranch which seemed to be located at the edge of the world. Once there, we jumped in a water tank/pool to cool off. The place was deserted. It was opulent - leather couches, satellite TV, beds with pillows, lol. I had been thinking on the drive out there that who in their right mind would want to live in the desert…even more isolated than I had felt in Mpungu? But that evening, with the sunset and the cool breeze - I understood what the draw was. We made sandwiches, had some wine and then I slept on the ground again. It was too nice not to.

We got up, packed and headed to Sossusvlei. On the way we stopped at a lodge for breakfast. And what did we do after breakfast you might ask? We went in a pen with 3 full grown cheetahs and petted them. OMG! When does shit like this happen? It goes down as one of the most amazing experiences of my life. They were purring so loudly, licking our hands and nibbling our fingers. Damn. (I’m sure they were thinking - tastes like chicken!), lol

We then drove to the dunes - the oldest desert on the planet to be exact. It’s called the world’s largest sandbox. Again…beautiful and amazing. We climbed one of the smaller dunes which was difficult enough. The sand was burning hot and the angle very steep. We went from there to a lodge for a drunk and though we wanted to sneak into their pool - we did not. We began our journey back towards Moltehore. The 3 of them decided, at 7 pm, to go to the petrol station and try to hike to Mariental. I had had enough for one day, so here I was, alone at the backpackers. The only guest, sitting at a table, watching the sun set, listening to my Ipod and journaling. I’m actually tearing up because I am so happy…so at peace. This ends one of the most amazing vacations I’ve ever taken. I’m ready to go home to my village and complete my final year with the Peace Corps. PC is the greatest thing I’ve ever chosen to do with my life on so many levels. I hope I can take this calmness and contentedness back to the states with me.

Saturday, January 10:

Got up early, showered, paid my bill and headed into ‘town’. As I looked around, I began to fear that my chances of getting out were going to be slim. The previous night I had had an interesting conversation with David - the French guy who owns the place - and his mother. It’s funny to me how I’ve been afraid most of my life to engage people on a daily basis. I’ve realized that when you don’t, you miss out on SO much.

Within an hour I got a lift to Mariental. I thought I was going to have to pay ut it was free. Could I really make it to and from Cape Town with NO money? Hells yeah I could! I grabbed some breakfast at Wimpy’s. My new year’s resolution to eat healthier is very difficult to keep when hitchhiking through Africa, lol. I snagged a ride to Windhoek in about 20 minutes and arrived few hours later.

I got dropped off in front of Chameleon just as Thea was walking out and though they were full, she had an extra bed and invited me to sleep in her room. We ran by the PC office, then grabbed lunch at the craft market with some other PCVs. Then it was back to Chameleon for a swim and some chillin’. Later, some of us went for pizza while others went to Joe’s beer house. Afterwards, Catherine and I came back for a movie and everyone else went to a wine bar. I was happy to be in bed before 10.

Sunday, January 11 - Tuesday, January 13:

Sunday was spent meeting up with the other PCVs at the office and waiting around for transport to Graeter’s. Once there, we swam, caught up, had dinner, and began the huge movie swap. Over the next two days we sat through many sessions that bored us and drove us a little crazy. Again, the most important thing was collecting new movies, lol. It’s been great seeing everyone and sharing our successes and non-success (I’m learning no to call them failures). I feel like I am in such a different place than I was a year ago. No anxiousness. Very little fear. I am more pumped to return to site and knock-em dead with my energy. This next year is going to ROCK!

Wednesday, January 14 - Thursday, January 15:

The last couple of days in Windhoek have been okay. I did some work for VSN, hung out with the others that have to stay behind an used the internet. I have to stay an extra week to have a crown replaced. I remember when I first arrived in Namibia that I thought I would travel to the big city more often because I would need to - emotionally, that is. But I am really ready to get back to the village. I miss it. Besides, when you are out of money and there are no good movies playing at the theater, what else can you do here? Lol

Friday, January 16:

More Windhoek today. It dawned on me that I could have hiked to Swakopmund for 5 more days of the beach before my appt. on Monday. That was really silly of me.

Saturday, January 17 -Tuesday, January 21:

So…more days in Windhoek - biding my time between the internet, TV and the mall. Sounds like I’m back in the states, eh? Had my dentist appt. and I am ready to go.

I took a ride up one of the big hills overlooking Windhoek with a friend the other night. It was quiet and the lights were beautiful. It made me miss home - my new home, Mpungu.

I’ve been seeing a lot of the inauguration stuff on TV and that’s been amazing. I hope I make it to Rundu on Tuesday in time to see his speech. I do find it interesting that so many Africans are thinking that Obama is going to come to their rescue. He has enough on his plate with our country to handle first. We need to strengthen the US before we can reach out to other nations again. This wonderful man has so much on his shoulders. He will be in my thoughts daily.

Got to the hike point early and got a ride to Otavi within 15 minutes. A sweet elderly guy. Once there, I waited about an hour for a ride to Groot - the black hole. There, I waited about 90 minutes and got a ride in a semi. They are always comfortable and reliable but take longer because they cannot go faster than 80k an hour.

I mae it to Rundu at 6:30, got a taxi to Rachel’s principals house with time to spare before the swearing in. It was nice to see it with other Americans. The only problem was that his Afrikaaner wife kept interjecting her thoughts and opinions. She and I butted heads about 9/11. She kept saying I’ve been brainwashed - I just wanted to smack her. She’s not even American, so I felt she didn’t have a right to argue, lol.

I’ve talked to Mr. Kuwema about transport but I have to stay another day in Rundu. I’ll be home by Thursday…Thank God.

Thursday, January 22 - Wednesday, January 28:

I finally arrived back at site today. I took all day to figure out transport and I wound up unloading a shit load of stuff into my flat at 8:30pm. My house was intact with a few new cobwebs here and there. I was exhausted but went and chatted with my neighbors a bit before heading to bed.

Friday was spent unpacking everything - donated stuff as well as my 10 Christmas packages! I am so blessed! I scored as well as my OVCs. I discovered that someone had cut our hose for the garden. It’s weird. They didn’t just steal the hose. They took a portion of it and now it’s not long enough to reach certain things. Sucks. My personal garden was a mess. Most everything has died and it was full of weeds. Guess my neighbor didn’t really want the R20 a week I had promised her. The big garden was in decent shape. The corn is growing well and so are the tomatoes and butternut squash. Yes, my initial reaction was…why isn’t it over flowing with bounty? Lol. But I’ve learned to appreciate the little things and make them huge!

I spent the weekend just cleaning my flat and organizing with a movie and a video game thrown in from time to time.

Monday I worked from my flat and I honestly can’t remember what I accomplished. Tuesday prepared for my OVCs. They were really excited for me to be back. I brought up the idea of breaking into 2 smaller groups - older and younger - and they jumped on it. This ultimately creates more work for me but it’s easier work. It was getting too difficult to find things to fit all the age ranges. I introduced the point system to them. It’s a way for them to earn points on behavior, grades, attendance, etc. that they can spend on school supplies and fun stuff. They LOVED the idea and LOVE seeing the chart on the wall with their names and the points they are collecting. We watched Charlotte’s Web and took it easy.

Today, I prepared for the first day of the older group. Once again my translator was very late but one of the kids took over and did it. Damien…he’s amazing! They created posters about ‘what I want my life to look like when I’m older’. They cut out pictures from magazines. It was great fun to watch them work. Many of the guys cut out pictures of hot cars and sexy white women, lol. The girls cut out pictures of nice clothes, attractive black men, pictures of families, etc. It’s funny…no matter where in the world you find yourself, those gender differences are apparent at such an early age.

Saturday, November 1 - Sunday, November 2:

Saturday was mainly spent recuperating…and I do mean recuperating. We had pancakes, ran some errands in town and then went to the Bavaria to go swimming. Swimming. In this heat…it was fantastic. Back at Mag’s Sarah and I made burgers, we watched some SNL skits about Sarah Padin (or Palin?) and I fell asleep on the floor. I woke up long enough to transfer my body from there to Sarah’s tent outside.

Sunday, after sleeping in a bit, we all headed to the PC office and then some of us went grocery shopping while the other west Kavango-ites figured out how to get us home. Lindsey and Sarah roped us a bakki but that put us three guys in the back and I was already sunburned from the day before. So I lathered on the sunscreen and bundled up best I could so as not to have blisters by the time I arrived home. The trip was long and rough but we made it in one piece. Sarah and I spent the afternoon watching Weeds Season 4 while I waited for Efraim to pick me up for my final leg.

Around 5 he showed up and as I began carrying my crap to the car, I notice there is one of the cleaning ladies from the clinic with him. No big deal, just means I am riding in the back…no problem. Then, I notice the corpse in the back. Yes. Corpse. Dead person. Dead person wrapped in a sheet. Now…I don’t mention this to gross anyone out or because I freaked out in any way. The funny thing about this, was that it didn’t phase me at all. I mean, I just started putting my groceries in the back, in the spaces between the dead person and the sides of the truck. It didn’t even PHASE me. I was all set to climb in the back WITH the corpse and ride my hour home. It really stunned me that this was not bothering me on any level. Well, the only level it was affecting me on was I felt like I was being dis-respectful putting my feta cheese next to the foot of this dead person, lol. It ended up that I was cramming in front with the others, but…just the same…I was all set to ride in the back.

Monday, November 3 - Wednesday, November 5:

The last three days have been wonderfully busy. Monday we had our meeting and then in the afternoon, I got things ready for the next 2 days of garden training. Tuesday we had the first half of the training. I had told them that they were not getting lunch but that I would supply food for tea break. Now..if I haven’t stressed this yet…tea break tends to be a big deal in Namibia and what’s funny about it is that people who don’t even have food to eat, still take tea break.

I did not have the money or resources to make some big to do over it, so I bought bread and jam and jam and refridgerated some water. I figured sandwiches and ice cold ‘mema’ would be sufficient. Not 5 minutes after I handed out the food, one of the women complained about ‘not being satisfied’. I was SO irritated. I know I probably shouldn’t be, but it just hit me wrong. I kept my feelings to myself and apologized to her that that was all I had. Ironically, she is a member of UMYA and one of the people who complained about the food THEY had during THEIR training. I guess it’s just hard for me to understand how someone who doesn’t get to eat 3 times a day would complain about ANY food they receive. Is it just me or does that not make sense?

Tuesday afternoon I had my OVCs and we had a blast. I introduced some HIV education and they seemed to grasp it though I was worried they were a tad young. Although, Reino is 5 and when I asked about sex he knew that that’s what people did to get pregnant, lol.

Today we prepared seed beds in the garden and I was thankful it wasn’t that hot and there was a breeze. We didn’t plant as much as I thought we were going to and I am hoping that they go enough out of the training to keep going forward. I certainly don’t know anything about gardening. Tea break rolled around again and still…another issue. A lady showed up today just before we broke - she had not attended the training the day before. When I was passing out the sandwiches, she stepped up to receive one. I explained to her that she was not getting one because she has not been working in the garden today. It only made sense to me AND I was completely out of bread. She gave me the dirtiest look and walked away. One of the other ladies gave her half of hers. When we went back to plant and finish the day, she walked off. I guess she was stilled tee’d about the bread. Here’s my deal though…there tends to be an attitude in this culture of getting something for nothing. People don’t volunteer here unless they are getting paid for it. People don’t attend workshops unless they are being fed or get a t-shirt or certificate. No one - or MOST people - don’t do anything just to benefit themselves from the experience itself. So I really DIDN’T want to give this woman a sandwich just because she showed up at the time we were handing them out. That may make me a total asshole in some people’s minds but as far as the group of people I’m working with…I want them to learn responsibility. If you show up for meetings, if you help with events, if you do your share in the garden…you will be rewarded. However…you will NOT be rewarded just for being there. You must do the work. I’m sure I will hear more about this as the week progresses and have to deal with it, but I am standing my ground.

Thursday November 6 - Saturday, November 8 (around noon):

I thought I would journal early today because in the afternoon Sarah, Lindsey, Stephanie and Christine arrive for an AIDS Club event at the school so I’m sure I will busy until night. I had planned on taking it easy on Thursday but ended up filling the day with stuff that now I can’t remember. I worked in my garden a bit because the rain storm from the other night has wiped out a few of my beds. I have to admit, I should have done a more organized job in planting. I planted not marking rows or beds thinking it would just be a fun surprise to see what grows where after I forget what I put where. Lol - NOT a good idea. Big problem - you don’t know what’s a weed and what’s a vegetable. Some things are doing well - butternut squash, zucchini, peppers, but the rosemary hasn’t started at all and NONE of my tomatoes are going. I wonder if it’s because the seeds are from the states? I do have one decent tomato plant growing on my back porch that I decided to transplant in the ground because it was starting to droop. I pray it survives because it actually has small maters growing on it.

Friday I put up shelves in one of the treatment rooms to help the nurses stay more organized and then I worked in the pharmacy until lunch A guy stopped by who had been a part of a project idea earlier in the year that had fizzled out. He wondered what was going on with it. I was like…nothing. The guy that was doing it with him never got all the information back to me and then joined the military. He also wanted to talk about some problems at his school - he’s a teacher. It was nice to actually counsel someone. I spent the rest of the day cleaning and watching some Sopranos. In the evening I took my computer to Alex and Vicky’s house to watch a movie. They decided to see a scary one and it was hysterical watching ’30 Days of Night’ with them. It was more difficult to explain how there are places on the planet that experience that long of a night than it was to explain that vampires do not exist.

This morning I had breakfast, watered my garden and finished cleaning. At around 9:30, while I was playing a game on my computer, two girls showed up at my door with 2 marmosets (spelling?). There are small, monkeylike animals that live in trees. They brought them to give to me to raise as pets. I mean, come on…what am I supposed to do with these things? If they had brought me an actual monkey, I may consider keeping it, lol. But these things are so small and so fragile that there is no way.

Sunday, November 9 - Sunday, November 16:

This is the longest I’ve gone without journaling at least somewhat daily and there is no way my memory is going to allow me to relay every event of the past 7 days. Just know that it’s been an insecurity testing week, lol. Before I get to that, lets get through the usual stuff. Very few people showed up in the meeting on Monday to work in the garden and plan the next event, so we postponed the event and because the tools were locked in Fanuel’s office, we couldn’t work in the garden. My OVC group was fun and we watched a movie about the Serengeti. I released Mike and Ike back into the wild because after 5 days they still had not eaten - or had appeared not to have eaten - and it made me nervous. Because Lyambezi, Fanuel and Gideon were all gone this week there was literally nothing for me to do (one of them usually works as my translator) so I had planned on heading to Nkurenkuru on Wednesday. I woke up that day nauseous and headachy so I stayed in bed most of the day. I did get up Thursday and after waiting 3 ½ hour for a hike at the point, found myself at Sarah’s place.

The rest of the weekend was fun, partying with SnL and the rest of the west side 26ers - they leave for the states in 2 weeks. Watching them prepare to leave made me a little jealous and at the same time, I was aware of how fast my time is going here. I honestly cannot believe it’s been a year and that less than 6 months ago I was freaked out about loneliness and wanted to come home.

Now…about me being tested. As I’ve mentioned time and time again, I’m a ‘comparer’. Well, this entire past year I’ve been jealous of Sarah because she had Scot and Lindsey to hang with as she adapted to her life in Nkurenkuru. Though Christine and Alex were here, we did not and still have not developed the sort of bond where I would consider either of them friends. That has done 2 things: 1. Caused me to feel more lonely than I necessarily needed to feel and 2. Forced me to be on my own and integrate more - which, yes, is a positive. See, we have also found out that another married couple is replacing SnL so now Sarah has 2 new people to hang with - though, to her credit, she is very integrated into her community. I was told that Mpungu was getting 1 teacher to replace Alex and I got very excited. I though, hopefully, finally, I will have someone to hang out with. Play cards with at night or on the weekends. Just a familiar person to chill with. I have since found out there is not going to be a new PCV out here.

I think this entire past year I kept telling myself that at least when the new group comes along, there will be someone here. Now that’s not the case. On top of that, my only ‘real’ friend outside of Sarah, has been Jeff - who is stationed in the Caprivi. He went home this week because of medical stuff. He’s not coming back. So all of that made me realize how much I’ve relied on Sarah to ‘be there for me’ - though, yes, I have been there for myself most of the time. You still need someone, some kind of support through this experience. In watching Sarah and them interact this past weekend, I realized again how jealous I was of her friendships but then I want to this stupid place where I started doubting her liking me as a friend. I started comparing myself to Scot, to Lindsey and they fun they all seem to have together. I forget there is a 15 year age difference between myself and all of them so hanging out and drinking all the time is not enjoyable to me. Of course I’m not going to bond on the same levels and why should I expect to. But I do expect to. My insecurities make me feel like a burden to Sarah. Now…I realize that she in NO way feels that way about me and enjoys my friendship with her as much as she does with me…but that little devil pokes his head up (and has all weekend).

Yes…I just need to get over it and realize I’m a great guy and people enjoy hanging out with me and being friends with me and all that hallmark shit…but years of being friendless in school make that a difficult thing to accept.

I joined Peace Corps because I wanted to be tested and I wanted to grow. I came with these pre-conceived ideas of how exactly that would take place. I thought I would grow because I have to cook all my meals or hike to get anywhere or master another language or deal with the heat and new culture, etc. What has surfaced is that all that growth I wanted to take place IS taking place, but in ways that are much more difficult than the physical challenges I’m facing in being here.

Monday, November 17 - Thursday, November 20 (morning):

Okay, I could sit here and type and relate the past few days events but instead, I just need to bitch. I need to whine and bitch and moan and play the victim and be a little baby. I have finally had it with my pathetic fellow volunteers in Mpungu and I wish to GOD I had just been put here alone - it would have been easier.

I’ve griped about Christine and Alex before - being non-inviting and warm and not doing anything to make me feel welcome here. Well yesterday, I had to walk to the school to print something out at Dinah and Johns (who I”ll talk about in a minute). When I was headed back to my house there was a learner at the door of their house and Alex was there, so I naturally said ‘hey Alex’. Nothing. No acknowledgement. No ‘hey’ back. NOTHING. I then stepped into the inspector’s office to ask about a fax and when I came out (directly across from their front door), Christine was standing there speaking with a learner - I kept waiting for her to look up (she had to have seen me), I waved, said hello, again, NOTHING. Now granted, she was talking to someone, but hell, so fucking what! Wouldn’t a normal person at least wave back or smile or something? Well I got nothing from neither of them and that’s exactly what I’ve gotten since I arrived. Nothing. It just seems strange to me. If the situation were reversed I would have gone out of my way to make them feel welcome and comforted.

So then there’s Dinah and John. Now, I should say that John is a great guy and always has a smile on his face - so I’m speaking more about Dinah. Yesterday, when I went to make the print, I took her some sour apple Jolly Ranchers cause I knew she liked them and she was appreciative. Once again though, when we were speaking about them going to Rundu the next day, she kept saying, ‘sorry we’re full’. ‘sorry’. That’s all I’ve heard from her since I’ve met them. There have only been a few times I’ve asked for a ride and they are always ‘full’. Now…this is just me being a little baby, I know…but I guess I just hoped that after meeting and getting to know me that they would extend the same kindness to me as they have with Christine and Alex. Those 2 ALWAYS have a ride. ALWAYS. Why? Because Dinah and John offer them the ride FIRST. Then, if they aren’t going or there is room left over, they offer the space to learners. Never ONCE have they called me or mentioned ahead of time that they are going to Rundu and would I like or need a ride. Okay..once they did mention they were going to Nkurenkuru and I snagged a ride to do some grocery shopping. Is it just me or wouldn’t you just automatically offer the ride to the other volunteer - knowing they have to hike and pay so much to get to the town? Wouldn’t it just come naturally? It would to me. The whole thing just doesn’t make sense - either that, or I am just a crying baby who never gets his way. I can’t decide which is worse.

So yesterday, I asked if they could take a document that I needed faxing to Rundu with them. I had received a VAST document from PC to sign and fax back but NONE of the few faxes available in Mpungu were sending outgoing faxes. So..no biggie right? Simple. Send a fax. So Dinah says, we are leaving at nine, why don’t you meet us out by the road and hand it to us. What’s shitty about this, is that the road is a good 10 minute walk from my flat and yet it’s only a 45 second drive from the main road. In the past, I have always met them out by the road (not wanting to inconvenience them) when I have a favor for them to do. Well, in that moment, I was just pissed off. Why would make someone work that extra hard to accomplish something when everything is so hard here anyways AND it’s NOTHING for you to make it easier. I suggested that she text me when they were leaving and I would meet them in front of the clinic.

Last night, the network went down and this morning it was off as well. Now…I know I could have been pro-active and walked out to the road but I had just had it! I went about my morning routine and shortly after 9, Dinah, looking all haggard showed up at my door. I said good-morning and thanks for coming - that because of the network I was worried we would miss one another. Her only response to me was ‘then why didn’t you meet us at the road. I’ll fax this for you’. No hello. No, it’s no problem. NOTHING. I’m just so fucking tired of being treated this way by people who you would expect to be a little more on the compassionate side. So where’s the lesson for me? What am I to learn from being stuck this past year with 3 of the most miserable volunteers one could imagine? Or am I being punished for something in a former life? What the hell.

I know where Dinah is concerned that she is just British and that is the part of her that I have issues with. I realize with Alex that he is insecure and not very social inept. I know with Christine that she is also not very secure and has a lot of doubts about what she has done in the Peace Corps and what she is going to do in the future. But seriously, we all are dealing with our shit all the time but is that a reason to behave in such a manner?

I SO want to just write off Dinah and John and not really have anything to do with them unless I have to. Problem is, I sort of rely on them to print things from time to time or to laminate stuff. So what do I do? Do I limit my contact with them to strictly work related stuff when necessary? Or do I put on a fake smile, continue to have Thursday dinners with them after Christine and Alex leave? Peace Corps is hard enough - why do people have to make it that much more difficult.

On top of all of that shit, I’ve had some cranial nerve pain shooting through the left side of my head for the past 5 days and because of no network, I cannot contact the PCMO. If it continues another day or so I’m going to have to see a doctor. I’ve never felt anything like this and am sort of concerned it might be something more serious.

Thursday, November 20 - Saturday, November 22:

The rest of Thursday was uneventful and I didn’t spend any time figuring out what my 1 hour presentation on Saturday was going to be. Friday came and went with me working in the pharmacy a bit in the morning and then chillin’ the rest of the day. I kept telling myself to prepare something for the next day but everytime I sat down to do so, I felt blocked and well, fairly un-inspired. I went to bed with the belief that the HIV awareness event was going to be a failure and that I would freeze up when speaking to the men’s group. I was proven wrong on both accounts.

First - have I mentioned that the network has been out since Monday? Yep. I cannot text, call or check email - haven’t been able to for 5 days now. I’m sure that has added to the mood I’m in. At the same time, after 5 days without it…it’s not really that big a deal.

So, I woke this morning, had breakfast, watered my garden and before I knew it, Fanuel showed up to help set up. We hauled all the stuff from my place, moved a table and started hanging signs. Slowly, some others of the group showed up. Before I knew it, we had a crowd at 9 and people were amped to play the condom box game. Esther didn’t show up so I decided to run it temporarily - which turned into me running it the entire day. It was a HUGE success. The whole day went off great. I kept trying not to go to that place of ‘where is everyone that is supposed to be here’ and instead, just focused on how the day was going. We even fit in a condom demonstration and femdon demo. By noon, we had raised 185 bucks which will make our next event that much greater!

We did have one snag that I still stuck in my craw. The one nurse, of the head nurses that is, that was on staff - refused to draw blood. I was livid. I went to speak to her and sure, I could have probably handled it more democratically, but here’s the scoop. It takes SO much effort to organize these events and even MORE so to get people to willingly be HIV tested. For her to turn them away because she claimed to be ‘too busy’ or ‘tired’ sends the WRONG message to the community. The WORST message to the community. I was FURIOUS!! I told her I was going to report her to the Ministry of Health! I am going to have to have a long talk with my supervisor when he returns. I don’t care if she likes me or not after this or if any of the nurses take it personally but you CANNOT refuse to take someone’s blood when they have finally decided to get HIV tested in a country where the stigma is so big! You just can’t.

Other than that, the day was a success and everyone during lunch talked about how much fun they had. I’m really hoping they get into these events because they can run them on their own AND it does wonders in reducing stigma.

I then had about 2 hours before speaking to the church. Joanna - my OVC assistant - came by to see if I had any wrapping paper for a gift. I said I didn’t but showed her how she could make her own with some of my markers, a glue stick and a piece of old newsprint paper. So while she was doing that (I’m telling you, you are never ‘off’ as a Peace Corps volunteer), I sat down to prepare for speaking at the church. I was unusually calm about it and not worried and even as I drew a blank about what to say, I decided to just ‘wing it’.

I arrived at the church early, waited for the current speaker to finish, then took the floor. I had to do everything via a translator and I used a video on my computer about HIV. The hour FLEW by! The audience was engaged, I was NEVER fearful or nervous…it was cake! I had the men talking about things that culturally you don’t speak of in public - it was great. I walked away feeling completely confident…I then went and bought myself a Fanta, lol. It’s funny how this week has been very ‘trying’ in regards to my emotions, sensitivity, insecurity, etc. and then I’m given a gift of success to remind me why I am here. Regardless of how some days may seem to be, I’m learning to accept that there is a reason for me to be in Mpungu and there is a reason why I need to do this on my own - without other volunteers around - hell without a phone! This is hard. But…I’m growing.

Sunday, November 23 - Tuesday, November 25 (early afternoon):

Sunday came and went. I worked on my Christmas video for most of the day, took a walk and then watched a movie with Ruben and Sandra, his girlfriend. Monday, we had a our meeting and I tried to make the point about the garden not being watered as it should be. It seemed to go well but when the meeting was over and time to actually work in the garden, no one was available. I made more copies of the slideshow and then 3 boys stopped by to watch a movie. I introduced them to The Matrix - which they loved - mostly all the karate stuff.

This morning I’ve been preparing for my OVC group and getting ready to head out on Wednesday. I ran into Sandra (Ruben’s girlfriend) on my way to see Lyambezi. After he and I talked and I showed him the garden, I mentioned something about Ruben and going with him to Rundu. He then told me that Sandra was here because she tried to commit suicide last night by drinking some type of animal medication. What the F? I told him that if she needed to talk to someone, to tell her I was available. Well…her brought her over about an hour later.

She told me all about their relationship and Ruben’s infidelity (which didn’t surprise me at all given the mentality of most men in this country). I listened and offered some words of comfort and suggestions on how to move forward and she left feeling - or at least saying that she was feeling - better. This will certainly make the trip to Rundu with Ruben interesting.

Wednesday, November 26 - Sunday, November 30:

Yesterday, my OVC group was great as usual. We made piggy banks/keep sake containers out of old pill bottles I’d been saving from the pharmacy and then watched a movie about Antarctica. I could tell some of them were bored during the film, but they will remember what they saw whether they understood it at the time or not.

Wednesday morning Ruben stopped by to talk about his girlfriend, NOT knowing she had come by the day before to speak to me. I told him much of what I had said to her and that I would be happy to mediate for them if they were interested. We then decided to head to Rundu early and took off around 9. He had a lot of stops to make along the way so I reached town around 12:30.

Rach was off school so we went to lunch and mapped out the rest of the day. Over the next few days Jill, Ashley, Jessica, Thea, Griffin, Kaitlin, Juice, The Voice, Sarah and Steph made their way to Rundu for the big Thanksgiving bash scheduled for Saturday. It’s always great hanging out with the PCVs I don’t get to see that often and swapping stories. We went out on Wednesday for Rach’s b-day to the Kavango River Lodge. It has a great sunset view of the river and though it was cloudy we enjoyed the evening.

Thanksgiving day more showed up as the 26ers piled into Rundu for the last time. They all COS next week and so this is their farewell party as well as Thanksgiving celebration. Also, Joe, a PC Botswana volunteer that I had met on facebook came. It was nice to hang out with another gay PCV though I do have to say that he and I personality wise are very different. I’ve struggled with my own self-acceptance of my sexuality for years and have pretty much come to terms with it. I wish I just didn’t feel so uncomfortable around more effeminate men. I’m not sure why it bothers me so much. It didn’t help that on top of that being his ‘personality’ that he as he drank, he became kind of a snobby bitch. THAT is something I cannot stand and I found myself apologizing to my friends about having invited him.

I ran errands throughout the few week days I was here in Rundu, having meetings - discovered all my trees for my orchard project are ready - I now just have to figure out transport to the village. Maggie had brought over her projector so we watched a lot of movies, SWAPPED a lot of movies and music - typical PC gathering.

Saturday we got up early and started cooking. I was in charge of 2 pumpkin cheesecakes. I did pretty well. We made them with yogurt instead of cream cheese (cause it doesn’t exist here) and I made the crusts our of double chocolate rusks (sort of like biscotti) and that was also a success. When we all converged on the Bavaria it was amazing. SO much food and 5 generations of volunteers. OH, I forgot to mention that that newbies (5 of them) were also here from site visit. It was exactly the scenario I was in 1 year ago. It was interesting to watch their faces and see the confusion, doubt, fear, etc. - all the things I was feeling last year. It showed me how far I’d come and I was also excited for them for what lie ahead.

Last night, after dinner, around 10:30 pm, we headed to the Gazza concert. Gazza is one of the biggest Namibian artists - sort of what 50 cent or Snoop Dogg would be to us in the states. I was excited yet nervous because in crowds of drunken Namibians anything can happen. While standing in line to get in Jill was pickpocketed and lost her ticket and Chris had his phone stolen - all in a matter of 2 minutes. I had taken NOTHING with me on purpose. Once inside and in the ‘real’ crowd, I was pickpocketed 3x. All three times I felt it and reached into my pants, grabbed the persons hand and told them to F-off and keep their hands out of my pants. It was encouraging cause it showed me how much I’ve integrated, lol. If I can stand my ground like that. It’s funny how people are though cause each time I caught them, they then looked at me like ‘what are you doing? Don’t touch me!’. No ‘I’m caught’ look or ‘sorry’. They seemed pissed off at me for noticing.

It’s interesting because for PCVs the experience is very tough and hard and yet rewarding and yet there are situations where you lose faith in the very people you are here to help. The whole thing is very emotional. It’s just like when people complain about the food you provide for them when otherwise they wouldn’t be eating anything. It’s why I prefer to work with kids because they are just SO appreciative of ANYTHING you do for them.

I forgot to mention a similar situation at OK foods the day before. I had been waiting in line for chips, along with about 6 other people, and as they were coming up a man walked up behind me, complaining about things taking so long and reached over my shoulder and grabbed them out of the woman’s hands as she was handing them to me. I wasn’t about to stand for it. I grabbed his hands and in very fluent Rukwangali explained to him that I had been waiting and those belonged to me. Again, he just looked at me like ‘what are you doing?’. We exchanged words for a minute before his friend took the chips out of his hand and gave them to me and I walked away. I know there is a lot of angst towards white people in this country and I get it. I really do. I guess what I am supposed to walk away from the experience with is an understand of what most black people have gone through in history. Feeling overlooked. Feeling like a ‘thing’. There are many times where I feel just like that and have to work through those emotions on my own. I cannot imagine how one would be emotionally and psychologically if they’d experience that their entire lives. I know that’s where all the behavior stems from. It just makes our work as volunteers that much more difficult.

Thursday, October 2 - Sunday, October 5:

Thursday morning I went to school to finish the HIV education at the primary school along with Gideon, my friend from the HIV+ group. It went very well and he did an amazing job. The kids really LOVED him and asked a lot of questions. I then stopped by Mr. Anton’s office to schedule the garden training for early November.

I was supposed to be going to Nkurenkuru with Lyambezi in the afternoon but when I returned to the clinic I found he had already left and forgot me. Typical. I ended up getting a ride with the ambulance and getting there in the afternoon. I made pizzas for Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and we played some spades.

Friday, Rachel, Juice and Ash showed up and we caught up and hung out. It was great to see them. Saturday we took them around Nkurenkuru and ended up visiting Selma, the friend of Sarah’s who has a monkey. I got to feed him. It’s sad that he’s kept on a chain but it was still fun. In the afternoon we all headed over to Scot and Lindsey’s for the braai. It was awesome to see so many of the other 26ers. They had slaughtered a large goat so there was plenty of it on the grill. All the locals that they had befriended since arriving. I met a couple of World Teach volunteers who are currently living in Nankudu. They are very cool and I look forward to spending more time with them.

Hanging out, dancing and socializing was great fun but I’ve realized that I’m still not very good in those type of settings. I’m much more of a 1 on 1 kind of person in a more intimate situation. When there is a lot of people, I sort of clam up and become a wall flower. It also made me realize that in our large group of volunteers, Sarah is the person I’ve bonded with the most and that I don’t feel ‘really’ close to most of the others. Sure, I consider them friends and enjoy their company. But nothing like I have in friendships back home. I wonder how much of that is me not being open and how much of it is not having a lot in common with some these guys. Do you really need to have that much in common to establish a friendship and/or bond? I sometimes think I just question things too much and don’t just go with the flow. I need to let go.

Today, Sarah and I hung out, watched movies and napped in all this heat. I made it back to site around 7, unpacked and got a phone call from my friend Doug. It was great to hear his voice and catch up. I have a busy week this week so I’m gonna call it an early night.

Monday, October 6 - Wednesday, October 8:

Monday’s meeting went well and everyone had great things to say about the event from the previous week. We brainstormed a bit about the next event and then planned for the garden training coming up in November. The rest of the day I spent organizing my desk which was a mess and then I thought Gideon was bringing Lulu over for his birthday, but the electricity went out so we cancelled.

Yesterday was my day with the young OVCs which was great. I had the create ‘All About Me’ books in which I am going to have them draw or write in every week - they then can take them home at the end of this school term. They were all very creative. We talked about why only the boys drew cars while the girls drew flowers and suns. I talked to them again about trust and the trust cycles we will be going through. There are a couple of kids that are sticking out that I am falling in love with.

Today I worked on some emails, finished organizing my desk, worked in the pharmacy a bit and now I’m getting ready for my secondary OVC group. Tomorrow I head to Rundu with a shitload of things to do, then Friday I’m off to Winhoek.

Thursday, October 9:

Today we took off early from Mpungu in order to get to Rundu and kill many birds with a single stone. Of course, we didn’t take off on time AND the driver stopped by and handled many of his errands along the way so we didn’t arrive until around noon. That sucked, because we were then all hungry and yet we had a lot to do before eating.

We did end up accomplishing a lot! We purchased all the garden equipment though it took trips to several hardware stores to do so. We also picked up the rest of the supplies for the sewing business and it was fun to see the excitement in Veronica’s eyes as she was able to pick out all the fabric she wanted. We stopped by the Ministry of Forestry to drop off the tree request, picked up my paper from the PC office, went to the bank to open an account which we weren’t able to do, have lunch and also take my friends Fanual and Veronica on their first escalator ride. It was great. They were hesitant because they had not seen anything like it. Once they ‘jumped’ on, they smiled the whole way up and back down. There were young kids playing on the escalators. It was cute because it’s probably the most fun and excitement they have ever had. I got really pissed when an Afrikaaner woman came out of her store and yelled at them. I wanted to smack her and tell her to leave them alone.

They took off in the afternoon so they could swing by Nkurenkuru and pick up the 4 bikes the groups there donated to us and I hung out with Chris and Rachel before heading to Patrick’s to sleep. I had forgotten both my phone charger AND my ear plugs and wondered how I was going to survive the next few days.

Friday, October 10 - Sunday, October 12:

I am now a firm believer in using a sign when hiking. Kami had talked about it and I had thought about it every time I hiked but this time I was prepared. I had a sign that said Peace Corps Volunteer. Chris and I waited no more than 20 minutes in Rundu to get a hike to Otjiwarongo. The hike was interesting - an Afrikaaner woman who was heading there to pick up her sister in law who was fresh out of drug rehab. Only to get a call 20k from the town to hear that she was now missing and had made the trip for nothing. Fortunately she took us the rest of the way there. We hugged her and told her it would be okay.

We grabbed some food at SuperSpar and within another 20 minutes, had our ride to Windhoek. Right to Game to say the least. We bought some things, walked to Jan Jonker to check in, took a shower, met up with some others and then headed to the mall. I had really hoped there was be a good movie playing that I could justify spending N$45 on, but there was naught. 2 young British volunteers who are friends with Katie in Aronos were also in the city and they cooked dinner for us. I can’t imagine being 18 and that far from home.

The next morning we got together to discuss who was taking over what responsibilities from the former VSN board. I was chosen (or elected myself I should say) to be in charge of PR. That means that I have to send the newbies an email in the states before they arrive, redo the current handbook and submit monthly columns to the ‘All Included’ newsletter. I can handle that. That night most of us went to Primi for Italian and I had a FROZEN MARGHERITTA!!! I haven’t had one of those since leaving the states. I also had a mojito. Damn.

There were things I needed to do that I kept missing out on because of mall hours so we decided to not start the next day until 11. I ran to the mall early and finished some errands. We then organized the training of VSN for the new group coming next month. It was fun and I actually felt like I knew what I was doing. Brooke and Katie were amazing and I’m glad they have taken the positions of trainer and coordinator. We then went to SPURS for dinner and I had a hamburger and it was GOOD!

Monday, October 13 - Wednesday, October 15:

Well, I lost faith in the sign because it was the hiking day from hell. Chris had decided to pay for a combi because he needed to get back to site. I thought, what the hell, I’ll just hike on my own. I started hiking at 6:30 in the morning. I arrived in Rundu (700k away) just past 7pm. It was ridiculously hot and tiring and I was cursing PC under my breath. Thing is, I could have paid to hike as well, but was being a cheapskate. I thought I was going to be trapped in Otavi but at the last minute managed a hike with some people heading to Zambia.

Jehan was in Rundu at Molly’s so we all caught up and watched a bit of a movie, then I crashed. Or tried to anyways, it was so hot and I was without a fan.

I had some errands to do in Rundu the next day so after accomplishing those, I went to Engen for about 45 minutes before landing a hellashis hike to Nkurenkuru. It was in the back of a truck so there was the heat and the truck was falling apart and had no suspension so combine that with all the construction on the road and I was miserable. But I managed to laugh it off. After that long ride, I decided to just crash at Sarah and come home the next day.

This morning I caught a ride with Janne, the Finnish missionary all the way to my clinic. I unpacked, tried out the new hose on my plants, moved the bikes from Fanuel’s office to my house, finished the letter to the newbies, uploaded the pics from my camera, walked to the store for milk and eggs, made lunch and then dinner and have been watching Weeds, Season 4. I’m glad to be back at site and don’t want leave it for awhile. I did find out that Sarah’s parents are coming at the end of November so if the money for my theater equipment comes in on time, I can get them to transport it back to here for me. That would be perfect. Also, I’m 8 weeks from my big vacation!! I cannot wait!

Thursday, October 16:

LONG, ass day. But the best part didn’t happen til later. On the way back from dinner at the school I was confronted with the ghosts of Christmas, lol. First, I hear and then see a very newborn baby goat with its mother near by. I take the opportunity to stop and try to pet it only to discover there is something really wrong with it and as I pick it up, I then notice the shit and blood crusting out of its ass. I now have shit and blood on my t-shirt. There’s a second where I realize this goat is going to be some wild animal’s dinner tonight and wonder whether I should put it out of its misery. I chicken out.

Halfway home I notice something scurry across the road in front of me and as I direct my headlamp I confront a rather large spider. What’s funny about this is that at dinner, Dinah was describing a large, poisonous spider that she was saw in Rundu the week before. A very aggressive, poisonous spider. This one, matched her description.

I then, get back to the clinic to hear a girl screaming and many people hanging around. Typically, the clinic is dead this time of night. Come to find out, a girl was bitten by a snake. I worry every time I am out at night walking around that I will be bitten by a snake. Also, the barber from Nkurenkuru is here with his uncle who is going to have to stay a night at the clinic. He and his friend have no place to stay so I have offered them my spare bedroom. I instantly went to this place in my head of ‘I need to lock all my closet doors’. I hate the fact that I went there, but I did. So I came home and locked the doors just in case they come over.

Friday October, 17 - Tuesday, October 21:

Friday I did the usual by working in the pharmacy until around 1 and then cleaning up the house a bit before Sarah arrived. I LOVE having company out here. She came later in the afternoon so we walked to the tuck shop for some beers, made dinner and then chilled out for the night.

Saturday, we had planned on getting up early to go for a long bike ride but it didn’t happen. She’s been having problems sleeping and being out here without a fan didn’t help. We had breakfast, played cards and watched Weeds most of the day. Once it cooled off, we went for our ride. We made it all the way to Katope (about 11k away). We thought we would be blessed with some cool drinks but their one tuck shop was out and we weren’t smart enough to take water with us. We were dying. It started to rain a bit on the way home.

We stopped by the tuck shop in Mpungu, bought some water and more beers and headed home. We taught ourselves how to play Rook - which 1. I suck at and 2. I’m still not convinced is a decent game for just two people. We then settled in for some more weeds.

Sunday we chilled most of the day while she waited her ride back to site. The rest of the day I cleaned my house and worked on my garden. I am going to plant a new bed each night this week and hopefully Sakeus will have my fence done before things start coming up and the goats eat them.

Monday I had a GREAT meeting with the group. The majority of them showed up on time and we got a lot accomplished. I feel like they are really starting to come together and we can move forward with getting things done. We talked and planned the next HIV Awareness day, discussed the theater project and finalized plans for the garden. If everything goes well, we should have the garden started the first week of November and the theater equipment should be here by the end of that month. Yippee! The rest of the day I worked on some details for the event and talked to the pastor about using the church for the garden training.

Today I meant to spend the morning preparing for my OVC stuff, but ended up getting sidetracked by other things. Most of my OVCs were early today for some reason, so I let them come in and we talked a little about math while we waited for others to arrive. MANY showed up today and I had about 25 kids in my flat. We talked about what they wanted to be when they grew up and I had them draw it in their all about me books. Most wanted to be doctors, nurses or teachers but one kid wanted to be the president of the country. I was like, GO FOR IT KIDDO! I was happy to see someone have ambition above and beyond what most people dream for.

During our class we kept getting interrupted by the local kids wanting to use my squirt guns and then one of the men from the church stopped by and said they are starting a men’s group and they want me to be a part of it. Damn! I’m VERY excited about that, but more excited that they have asked me to join. They are asking an outsider, a white person, be a part of their group. It made my day.

Wednesday, October 22 - Friday, October 24:

Wednesday I spent the morning getting ready for my OVCs in the afternoon. Gideon and Lulu stopped by so he could charge his phone and they just stayed. I kep hinting at the fact that I needed to be working but they just sat there so I felt the need to entertain Lulu.

In the afternoon, only 1 kid showed up for the OVC and neither of my assistants. It was then that I made the decision to combine the groups into the one big one on Tuesdays. He seemed to understand so I really hope he comes next week. I used the rest of the day to work on some ideas for our next HIV Awareness event. Veronica and the landlord for their sewing business stopped by so we could draw up a lease. What should have taken 30 minutes, took close to 90.

Thursday, with nothing to do really, I decided to work in the pharmacy a bit. Before I made it there though, Veronica and Berta stopped by to create the price list for their business and to discuss some problems they were having with each other. Berta’s mother wants to move to Rundu for a month or two because of problems she is having with someone in the community and she wants Berta to go with her. So of course, Veronica feels abandoned and Berta doesn’t want to NOT be a part of the business. They reason I mention all of this is that in the midst of this, while Hellini and Saki (Veronica and Fanuel’s children were playing). Hellini just stood up and started peeing on my floor. No expression of surprise or guilt on her face. Just like she was coloring - that exact same amount of enthusiasm. The others were talking and no paying attention and so I was like, ‘Hellini! Siga! Hellini!’ but she just kept on creating a big puddle on the floor and the other’s didn’t notice. Finally Veronica did notice and tried to stop her but she kept on and then started walking in it and then around my house. I was sort of shocked and frozen - not knowing exactly what to do. I didn’t really have anything I could use to clean it up except a dish towel and I didn’t want to have to clean it later. I just said I didn’t have anything and so Veronica went to the clinic to borrow a mop.

The interesting thing about all of this is that there was no apology, no embarrassment, NOTHING on the part of Veronica or Fanuel. It was like her peeing on the floor was no different than carrying sand in on her feet. At first I was very taken aback by this…I mean, their child just pissed all over my floor! And then I started thinking about it. Why SHOULD either of them be embarrassed or apologetic. They had no control over her doing that…or did they? We, as Americas, get so bent out of shape when something extreme or uncomfortable happens and the first thing we do is look for someone to blame or someone to take responsibility. Why did I think it necessary that they apologize or feel badly for what happened? How does that affect me? Is it a form of control or feeling better than someone? I mean really…if they had been all “I’m so sorry, OMG, I’m so ebararssed’. I would have immediately told them it was okay and they should laugh about it, that’s it’s no big deal. So…if I really feel that way and MOST of us feel that way in similar situations, why IS there a need for the other person to grovel and feel weird? Seriously…why?

Saturday, October 25 - Tuesday, October 28:

This morning I went for a long bike ride and then worked in my garden, preparing beds. I then decided it was time to cut my hair. Don’t ask me why. It just hit me. I haven’t cut it since I left the states but it was time. Dinah and John were going to Nkurenkuru so I decided to join them for that and also get some groceries. When I returned, the nurses went on and on about my shaved head - so I guess it was a hit. Wapa usili!!

Later that day, I went up to play cards with them. It was a lot of fun. The best part was watching Dinah get drunk off wine and how it affected her playing. Sakeus stopped by there house and he said he’d be at mine tomorrow to finish my fence.

Sunday rolled around. Sakeus showed up to finish the fence and I made him pancakes. We then talked for a bit about this and that and I went about my day. I honestly can’t remember what I did.

Monday morning we had out meeting and once again I was happy that the majority of people showed up on time. We began discussing the garden and it led to some issues - more with UMYA members than anything. UMYA is the home-based health care group I helped organize training for back in June. Unfortunately Risto, the guy in charge of UMYA hasn’t done shit since and so none of them have clients or even their kits. I unfortunately had to tell them that until they get clients, they could not be a part of the garden. They seemed to understand okay. We also talked about our next event and scheduled it for Nov. 15.

We then walked down to see the sewing business. I discovered along the way that Berta has decided to leave for a few months which leaves the business completely up to Veronica. This really sucks because I have worked so hard to get this thing going for them and now it’s at a standstill once again. I suggested to both of them that they open up the business to include a group of ladies (which honestly is what I should have done in the first place) but they weren’t interested. I don’t know how Veronica is going to manage to open this place up with 2 kids in tow. It’s no wonder most things don’t turn out here - there is always something that gets in the way.

Esther, the woman who wanted to start the kindergarten was at the meeting and I hadn’t seen her in about a month. I asked her where she was with everything and she handed me her hand-written proposal. I was happy to see that we were still moving forward with this project. I told her to come back tomorrow (cause I was wiped out) and we would type up a formal proposal together.

Today I made preparations for the afternoon OVC program while I waited for Esther to arrive. She was late, but we were able to get everything done by lunch time. The kids showed up early - as they have been - and we got started promptly at 2:30. We meditated, played the name game (more for me to learn each of their name’s than them but 2 birds with one stone), we talked about stigma and I had them draw pictures of their homesteads in their ‘All About Me’ books. They then took turns talking about them. It was sort of amusing. Many of the kids who had initially told me that their mother or father had died, talked about how they lived with their mother and father. My initial reaction - control freak reaction - was to say ‘hey, this is an OVC program ONLY!’ you need to leave. But here’s the deal…what is a ‘vulnerable’ child anyways? Just because the definition by the Ministry of Gender states it’s a child who has lost a parent…aren’t all these kids vulnerable in some way? So fuck it! I’m going to keep doing this after school program for whomever shows up. Now, if it gets to the point where I have 200 kids coming…I may have to draw the line, lol.

Wednesday, October 29 - Friday, October 31:

Wednesday was one of those ‘I have absolutely NOTHING to do days’. So that’s pretty much how it went. Thursday there wasn’t much going on mainly because I was waiting on an afternoon ride to Nkurenkuru. I cleaned my place, cancelled dinner plans with the other volunteers and basically just hung out waiting - thinking that my super was going to be back around 2 or 3 and I would ride with the car on it’s return. 8:00 pm rolls around with still no car. I finally send a text to make sure they are still coming - already getting pissed that I have missed the opportunity to go there tonight AND it would cause me to miss my free ride to Rundu Friday morning with Janne. Lyambezi calls me back to inform me that the car got into an accident and they won’t be getting here until very late. Problem was, that Sarah was not home so I was crashing with Scot and Lindsey and they go to bed early because of school. It’s just funny to me how things happen here and there is so many obstacles one has to work around in order to accomplish the simplest of tasks.

Friday I got up VERY early and walked the 1k to the hike point thinking that MAYBE I could make it in time. For about 30 minutes I just sat there, no cars at all and then as luck would have it, Selma - a friend of Sarah’s, stopped. She was on her way back to Nkurenkuru from her farm. Not only did I make it in time to catch Janne but it was free AND I saw the most beautiful sunrise of this season. It was a big lesson in not getting bent out of shape - that things always seem to work out the way they were supposed to.

Upon arrival in Rundu, I had a plethora of things to do and I set about accomplishing them before dark. I bought elbow brackets at the hardware store, went to the bank, stopped by Nawa Life and the Forestry Department, bought Tengo, had lunch, printed out many documents at the office, bought laminating sheets for birth certificates and a potato masher, lol. All in all, a very productive day.

I met up with Sarah and everyone later at the office to go buy booze for the evenings festivities. If I haven’t mentioned it yet, today marked one year ago I we left the states. One year. Damn…I realize there have been times where the days seem as though they were dragging on but I have to say that this past year has just WHIZZED by my face.

Everyone converged at Maggies, put on their Halloween costumes and began to enjoy the evening. Sarah and I went as Scot and Lindsey - our favorite Nam26er couple. Skyla was a dust bunny, Ben a wrestler, Lindsey went as Sarah Palin and Scot as Joe the Plumber, Rach was Dwight from the Office, Juice went as Maggie B, Maggie N. was a deviled egg, Christine and Alex were characters from some story I was not privy too, Cedar and Carrie went as traditional Himba women, the voice was a ninja and Lisa was a monk. I thought all the costumes were very creative given the fact that we don’t have a Capel’s or one of those temporary stores that pop up around this time. In fact, they don’t celebrate Halloween here at all. I has been quite interesting to try and explain it to Namibians. They can’t wrap their mind around the fact that children go door to door saying ‘trick or treat’ and people give them things for doing that. They all want to know WHAT ELSE the children have to work at to receive the sweets, lol. Overall, the night was fantastic, I drank too much and went to bed. A good way to put an end to my first year.

Monday, September 1:

I helped bury a child today. A baby to be exact. I’m still not sure how I feel about it exactly. I’ve seen several funerals take place since I came to site but I never attended one. I always felt like a spectator…like unless I knew the person or was invited by family, I shouldn’t go. I talked to my supervisor about it a few weeks ago and he said that I absolutely SHOULD go. That it’s a part of the culture for anyone and everyone to attend. So the community as a whole supports the people who lost a loved one. So I had decided to attend the next one I knew about. It happened to be this one.

I watched as some of the elders went into the morgue and placed the child in the baby blue, particle board casket and then as they exited and began the walk to the cemetery, the wailing began. I think we sterilize death so much in the states that it was surreal to see it so raw.

We walked to the cemetery across from the clinic. Words were spoken by both a lady and the headman (I’m still not sure who she was). The men stood separate from the women and while they were crying, the men were stoic. Then the men placed the casket in the grave and took turns shoveling sand over it. I stood there, questioning whether I should participate or leave it to the community and then realized…I am a part of this community now - so I accepted my turn at the shovel. I’ve never even attended a graveside funeral let alone help fill in the grave.

As I stepped back and looked at the women, I noticed nods and smiles of approval from the older ones. I had done good. During this experience so far I think I’ve just been an observer. Pretty much how I was about my life back home. But in order for me to impact the lives of the people here, I cannot do that. I HAVE to be involved directly in their lives. So from now on, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And though I still don’t feel completely knowledgeable with my tasks as a volunteer and I still struggle with ‘what am I doing here’, I find myself more and more comfortable. I can feel the confidence building inside where there used to be fear. It’s funny because I feel 2 years in the peace corps is only an adequate amount of time to PREPARE you for your peace corps experience. It won’t be until I leave that I will feel like I know what I’m doing. Funny, huh?

Tuesday, September 2:

I kinda got lost in the morning but in the afternoon, Joanna and John who will be my assistants for the primary OVC after school program showed up ON TIME and we waited for the youth to arrive. I was very impressed they had come. What they informed me of though, was that I messed up on the signs I put up at the schools the day before, lol. I had switched which days were for which groups. Alas, no younger kids showed up but I will go to the primary school tomorrow and address that situation.

Just prior to that, I got a phone call from Mark. It was a great phone call. I know I’ve mentioned the level of honesty in our communication that we’ve been able to achieve since I came here, but it still astounds me and makes me very happy. We actually were able to talk about his current dating situation. He was uncomfortable at first and yes there was this slight twinge of jealousy in my gut, but we got through it and felt so much better for talking about it. I’m trying desperately for him to join me in Cape Town for my birthday but there is some fear and resignation on his part due to our past. He and I are both concerned about what to do if there is a small spark left of our relationship and it gets re-ignited when we are together. It’s a tough call, but I still hope he comes. I’d actually like to see if something is still there…is that selfish of me?

Wednesday, September 3 - Thursday, September 4 (around 5 am):

Yesterday was uneventful…what I want to talk about is what hit me this morning in bed while reading. I’ve been reading ‘Finding Freedom’ by Steve Sherwood. Something came up indirectly from the reading this morning. I FOCUS ALL MY INTENTION ON THE RESULT OF WHAT I AM DOING AND NOT ON THE PROCESS THAT GETS ME THERE. It’s the old story of ‘it’s not about the destination, but about the journey’. EVERY area of my life I focus on the destination. Joining Peace Corps. It was about being able to say in two years ‘I just finished doing 2 years in the PC’ and not about my experience within that time. When I finished up my BA in Psychology. It wasn’t about what I learned and how that would make me a better counselor (hell, I don’t remember ANYTHING from those 5 years of school - except maybe how to say good morning in German). It was about saying ‘I have a degree in Psychology’. I mean hell, what have I done with that degree? Having a dog here. It’s not about enjoying Efuta as much as I can. It’s about saying ‘I have a dog’. It’s about the ownership and not about the joy he brings. Even when I am remodeling houses…there is a small part of me that enjoys the process yes, but it’s more about being able to stand back when it’s done and say ‘I did this’. Hell, I can even relate this to my relationships - especially with Mark. I never wanted to do the ‘work’ that keeps a relationship alive, healthy and happy (the journey). I just wanted to have a beautiful man on my arm and say, ‘this is my boyfriend’. Oh my god! No WONDER I have felt like the majority of my life I have just ‘gone through the motions’. That’s EXACTLY ALL I have done! And now one has done this to me, I HAVE CHOSEN TO LIVE MY LIFE THIS WAY! I have just gone through the motions so that the days are filled and another one passes. I have missed the majority of my life because I wanted to.

How does one get to a point and what has happened in their life that causes them to disconnect on THIS LEVEL? What am I so fucking afraid of? What has happened to me that has instilled such fear? Was there a devastating circumstance in my past? Was something said to me at exactly the right moment to create such a shift? And is discovering that catalyst that important to change the way I live my life? I’d like to say ‘no’, but I tend to search and search for answers while avoiding what must be done to change.

I’ve been in Africa for 10 months and I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished anything yet. I haven’t. Because all I’ve been doing is ‘going through the motions’ hoping that no one will notice. The problem with trying to do that here is that EVERYONE notices and their behavior changes because of it. This is no longer about me, but about the lives of the people I’m here to affect. If I continue to go about it this way, I will affect them very negatively. This is one time where I am held accountable. I HAVE to engage. I have to be in the moment. I can’t live here like I lived in the states. On top of everything else…I would hate myself when I returned if I did so.

What has also surfaced as a result of this is that the only time I am COMPLETELY, 100% in the moment…is when I’m acting. I’ve always told people that acting is fun and it’s something ‘I just like to do’. But I’ve never really been honest with myself or others. Truth is…I WANT to be an actor. I want to be well-known and seen on the big screen. It’s why I attend so many movies - I’m imagining myself up there. It also happens to be the GREATEST fear I have - an accumulation of all the smaller fears brought together. What if I’m not good enough…what will people think about me…what if I fail at it… It’s also been a struggle with my spiritual self. I have judged acting and actors as being callous, superficial, self-centered. All the things I detest in people. So how would I want to be one of those people? So I have all my fears working against me plus this spiritual struggle - all of these things keeping me from pursuing the one thing that I am passionate about. PASSION! There it is. I’ve sought my entire life for what I’m passionate about and ironically it has been there the entire time - I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Even now that I am admitting all this to myself on paper, the little demons are popping up. You are too old to start acting now. It’s too late, you should have pursued it years ago. You much pursue the safe, secure route now because you are almost 40. Hollywood is very young and the people that are well known started out young. You have no experience. You have no schooling. You aren’t good enough. There will always be someone better. You aren’t handsome enough. People will laugh at you. Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This IS what I am supposed to be doing - look at all the things trying to keep me from it!

Now….what the hell do I do? Lol

Cause even now I’m realizing that I’m not here in the PC because I’m passionate about it. I did it because I thought I should do it. It’s that spiritual side saying ‘if you are going to pursue such a superficial life, you must first perform this ‘task’’. It’s like I could only give myself permission to pursue my dream if I first ‘paid for it’. I’m not passionate about what I’m doing here…that’s the sad and honest truth. Now…what the hell do I do? Knowing all of this, can I finish out my last year here and accomplish something. Trying to change the old behaviors and enjoy the journey? Continue to learn about myself through this and gain experience that will make me more whole when I am finished? Or do I acknowledge the reality of what I’ve just said and come home and work towards my dream? Can I work towards my dream from here? Damn, it’s almost too much to try and absorb…but maybe, just maybe, I can no approach this experience differently and discover a hidden passion for it within? Then use that passion to accomplish some great things while I’m here that will help to build my self-confidence? Then return home with a stronger sense of self and a focus on the prize? I think I may have just answered my own question.

I’m like ‘throwing up’ this morning, so forgive me. But how the hell have I been able to ignore this passion for this long? I have been acting since second grade where I played Benjamin Franklin in Mrs. Eckhart’s class. I was in EVERY play from that point forward! EVERY production up to my senior year! Freshman year at Temple - I was in BOTH plays! Sophmore year at UTC I had actually JOINED the theater department! What happened during that year that caused me to drop out? Did my insecurities arise? Did I do the whole comparison thing of me to other actors that were older? I was in the THEATER DEPARTMENT! I WAS STUDYING THEATER!!!!! Why did I give it up? What kind of life would I have today if I had continued forward with it. Damn. It’s always been there. Hiding just under the surface - alluding me. How could I have let 20 years go by without realizing it? I’m sure I’ve just always known it was there and didn’t want to face it or admit it to myself because it would mean dealing with everything that is coming up right now. So now I get to deal with it in the village, lol.

Thursday, September 4 - Sunday, September 7:

Thursday came and went with me mainly studying Rukwangali and hanging out at the house. Fairly uneventful up until I had a VSN call. A volunteer with issues at their site. It was good to be able to be there for them. That evening I walked to the Hilbourne’s for dinner. Cauliflower casserole with salmon…yum!

Friday morning I worked in the pharmacy…it’s been about a month since I’ve been in there and it was a mess. I spent 4 hours putting away a shipment we received last week and re-organizing a bit. I knocked off around 12:30 when Sarah arrived. We chilled the rest of the day, walked to Check-in for some beers and then went home to cook dinner.

Saturday we slept in a bit, had breakfast and then went on what was going to be a 20k hike. 10k to Katope and 10k back. We didn’t quite make it. We are stupid Americans still…we forgot how hot it’s been getting and we should have hiked earlier in the morning…NOT in the middle of the afternoon. We walked for about 2 hours, stopped for lunch then turned around and headed back. The one car we saw the entire hike gave us a ride back to Mpungu. We grabbed some stuff for dinner and headed home. Sarah was in the mood for something scary so we watched Saw IV which is really gross.

This morning we slept in yet again - even I did. Then I realized today was the day we set the clocks ahead so now we have a 7 hour time difference with the states. That sucks…it only leaves a small window of opportunity to receive phone calls - especially during the week. Alex and Christine stopped by and we did a big movie and music exchange. Around 3 Sarah got a ride with Efraim back to site. He now has to take the laundry to Nankudu every Sunday so we both have permanent rides back to sites when we visit one another. AWESOME! I cooked butternut squash soup for dinner and have been reading - before I realized I hadn’t ‘logged’ in, in a few days. OH…Friday I got a call from Lejeune that my VAST grant was approved! So I now have the money for the theater equipment! I just have a tweak a few things on the proposal. Now I just need to focus my energy on getting the building built!!! I would love to have it up and running within the next 6 months.

Monday, September 8 - Wednesday, September 10:

We had a good turn out for the meeting on Monday and I actually got through it without Fanuel. Yes, Gideon helped translate a bit, but otherwise I was understood. My English, NOT my Rukwangali, lol. We covered a lot of issues, started creating the Theater Committee, etc. I am really liking the new found motivation of the Mpungu Tukondjeni Project - that’s the name they came up with for all the projects ran by the groups. Because of the stigma of HIV, it was decided that we create a name that had nothing to do with the disease. I like it a lot. Tukondjeni means to ‘work hard’. I had an idea over the weekend for a feeding program for Monday’s ARV clinic and they really liked that idea. Now I just have to find free food and someone to cook it.

Ester showed up later to talk to me about the current progress with her Kindergarten. I am VERY pleased to say that she is ON the ball and is making my work on this project VERY easy. She has already had a community meeting where a school board was created. Rules and fees were decided on and the community of Dakuwa is already building a large hut for the school. She has just a little more to do and I will sit down with her to put it all on the computer nicely and then we turn it into the Ministry of Gender and they take it from there. With as precise and clear as she is being, I see no reason why they aren’t going to move forward with it. I had thought I was going to have to find money for a building but it’s good that they start with a hut, to see if it is going to continue…then get a building built later.

Did I mention I started biking? I try to go a little farther each day. It’s still too cold at 5:30 in the morning when I wake up so I do it after work, around 4. By then it’s blistering hot, but oh well. I finally am exercising, which helps to relax me at the end of the day.

Tuesday I waited around for the OVCs to show up once again. And once again, they didn’t. Later that day, Leopoldine stopped by to tell me that she was going to the primary school the next day to actually gather the younger group and bring them to the clinic. I really like this girl, she is on top of her game and guess what, Wednesday came and about 50 kids came to the clinic for the program. They were nervous and of course didn’t want to say much but I got a few rules out of them and some information about things they wanted to do and talk about in the program.

Leopoldine had actually brought a printed out list from the school of the registered orphans and vulnerable children! I met with each one individually, checked and wrote down birth certificate numbers and tried to get a tally for how many are going to come to the program. It was heartbreaking though. Many of the kids were NOT actual OVCs and still had both their parents. When I asked (via translation) why they came to the meeting, they said they were very poor and thought they were getting something, like food. Many of the requests from the kids were for school fees and notebooks. What am I getting myself into? Can I emotionally handle working with them once a week? I want to. I really do. I hope that once we are a bit more organized that maybe I can find money for them for some small things - maybe even a feeding program like the one I want to do for the ARV clients.

I’m creating this program because I want to instill some confidence in these kids. Teach them how to not be affected by other kids who make fun of them because they are orphans and don’t have nice clothes. Teach them to still reach for their dreams, even though they don’t have the support network at home. I want to try and be that support network - well, create it within the group so they can support one another that is. I think this is going to be the thing that I become very passionate about. I’ve always found it easier and more rewarding to work with youth.

Thursday, September 11 - Monday, September 15:

Thursday was uneventful but included a very good dinner with the VSOs. Friday I worked in the pharmacy a bit and then Lyambezi asked me to speak about HIV to a group of school principals. I was like, great, thanks for the headsup. We got to the conference and when I was my turn I was brief, to the point, left them clapping and hopefully from it, will get requests to come speak to their learners. I then packed and headed to Nkurenkuru.

The bed and breakfast there has re-opened, so Sarah, Scot and Lindsey and I went there for dinner Friday night. Cheeseburgers! They were good and they were cheap! Afterwards we walked to Selma’s place - a friend of Sarah’s. It turned into a fantastic night of socializing, chatting and to top it off, hanging out with a small monkey in a t-shirt. Yep, she has one as a pet and keeps it chained in a tree - PETA would be furious!

Saturday I ran errands while Sarah worked in the garden with her committee. I avoided the garden cause it just reminds me that mine isn’t up and running. We lounged in the afternoon and then headed to SnL’s for a braai and some monopoly. Sarah started feeling badly, so I walked her home. When I returned, the three of them had decided to go out and though I really wasn’t in the mood, I had no better option, lol. We went to one of the two shebeens and hung out with some of Lindsey’s teachers. I shot some pool - won two games in a row - and then it was time for me to come home as they decided to venture to another place.

Sunday found me waiting ALL day for Efraim to come through town for petrol so I could snag a ride back to site. I prefer getting back early and doing laundry, chilling out and just settling in before Monday. Sarah and I watched Arrested Development ALL day and I didn’t make it back to site until around 8:30.

Today I was ready for our 9 am meeting when no one showed except for Andreas who is the leader of ELCIN AIDS Action and has never attended a meeting. It was kind of embarrassing but he continued to remind me that he has the same problem getting his members together. Finally, a little after 10, they came rolling in and it turned into a productive meeting. Also, today I sent out a mass email to friends and family for money for the smaller garden project - cause I am SICK and TIRED of waiting for it to get going. I will check email tomorrow to see who has responded, but hopefully it’s covered and I can buy seeds and tools in the next couple of weeks.

Tuesday, September 16 - Wednesday, September 17:

The last two days I am hung out in the morning doing a lot of nothing preparing for my afternoons with the OVCs. BOTH days FINALLY were a success. I have kids show up both days and they seem to be very interested in attending a group once a week. I want to take all these kids to Target and let them buy whatever they want. These are the kids who have NOTHING. NOTHING. I felt immediately at ease talking to and with them and leading the group. I have said this before, but it is going to be the one thing I latch onto and become very personal with. Not that I’m not attached to the other things I am doing here, but they feel like things I am just ‘doing’. This is the one thing that I am creating from scratch and I look forward to bonding with them. It’s going to be fun.

Thursday, September 18 - Saturday, September 20:

I spent the morning teaching Veronica and Berta some accounting. Very basic stuff. What an expense and income is. They then took me to where their shop is going to be. It’s basically a hut with some mud chinked between the sticks and a metal roof. No electricity and a rough dirt floor. They were SO proud of it. Once again I was taken aback. Absolutely NO ONE that I know in the states would see a structure like this and think it was worth ANYTHING and yet these two women are looking at it as their future. Their rent is going to be N$50 per month. That’s about $7 US. 7$ US to rent a building and start a business. Damn.

In the afternoon I did my typical ‘work on the Rukwangali dictionary’ stuff and waited to go to dinner at the school. The electricity went out around noon - almost as soon as I had stuck some pasta on the hotplate to cook. It was off up until 15 minutes before I headed to dinner. During the rainy season when the electric goes out at night it’s great. It’s quiet and dark and I read. But this time I found myself stuck. I didn’t want to read. Didn’t want to do a crossword. So I didn’t do anything for a few hours but sit. Two things came from this. The first is that 6 months ago this would have driven me stark raving mad. The second is that even though I am more comfortable with ‘nothingness’ I still struggle with having to be busy all the time. I realized this is my biggest stress of being in the Peace Corps. I feel like I have such a short amount of time to accomplish so much but the only person putting that ‘so much’ pressure on myself is ME. No one - including Peace Corps - has these grandiose ideas of what I am supposed to do while I am here.

It goes back to the whole comparison thing that I do. Justifying what I AM doing by looking at volunteers who have done less and then feeling back by those who are doing more. I’ve been doing it all along with Sarah.

I got an early ride to Nkurenkuru Friday morning so that I could get to Kahenge and speak to someone at the Home Affairs and Tribal offices about birth certificate registration. They through a monkey wrench into my initial plans for a mass registration, but I am still going to move forward - it’s just going to be more work. It seems like the government does to extremes to make things difficult for it’s people. If it was super easy to get a birth certificate and then everyone would do it then everyone who needed to would register for pensions and that’s more money the government would have to pay out.

Back to the paragraph above. I had noticed for the past couple times that Sarah and I had hung out that there seemed to be a ‘strain’ in our relationship. I chose to ignore it. On Friday afternoon, while waking from a nap, I heard Sarah on the phone - I assume with a friend from the states - talking about problems she was having with the bike shop she has started here. She seemed very down and upset on the phone and was crying. I went outside and read to give her some privacy. The whole time I was thinking of some things I wanted to say to her. To encourage her and make her feel better. Hell, I’m part of VSN and I have a degree in Psychology, this should be easy, right? Yet, I found myself holding back. Why? This is my closest friend here and she’s hurting. It was a combination of fear (but of what? Looking silly? Being judged? Where the hell was THAT coming from) and I discovered a little resentment in there and was VERY perplexed at where that might be stemming from. I laid on the couch and after about 5 minutes got up the courage (courage? Really?) to ask her if she was okay. She started telling me a little about what was going on and then at the appropriate time I interjected what I considered to be words of encouragement and wisdom. It’s interesting because the one thing I am NOT good at or at least wasn’t good at in the states - with very close friends - is coddling. I have for some reason always looked at that as a weakness. I’m sure it stems from my own need to be independent and NEVER lean on anyone for support. I am so convinced that I can figure out ALL my problems on my own that I never turn to anyone for help. I feel weak, powerless when I do that and I felt weak and powerless for so much of my childhood and high school experience that whenever I try to reach out to someone, something deep inside grabs hold of my courage and pulls it deep within me. Out of site and reach. Just in typing this RIGHT NOW - revelations are happening. I feel that as a child, everyone was able to see that I was this weak, clumsy, shell of a person. I didn’t see it. I remember feeling when I was very young that I could do anything. This feeling was probably not much different from how much children feel. But I remember feeling that and always wondered why I was being picked on. Why was I and only a few others being singled out? Did they see something I couldn’t? Was I wearing my insecurities on my sleeve with a sign that instead of saying ‘kick me’ said ‘please make fun of me and pick on me and push me around because I am weak and I want you to break down what little self-confidence I do have into nothing’. So they did. All the laughter. All the verbal and physical abuse did just that. It tore me down to where nothing I do is good enough and there is always someone better.

So of course, when I do feel like I need advice or support emotionally, It’s impossible for me to ask for it. IMPOSSIBLE! Cause the minute I inch towards that decision to ask, I revert to that 7th grader being held up against the locker by an older student. Fists being driven into my stomach and his stinky breath in my face reminding me that I will get it worse if I say anything. Fear. Fear has been injected into me the majority of my life. I continue to live in fear today. Not fear of physical safety and not even fear of what people say - cause really, when was the last time someone called me a name…really. But still fear. Fear of what people think of me. Of how they are perceiving me. Of whether or not they like me or what I am doing. Fear of what my mother thinks about me. Fear of other’s opinions. Fear.

And I still live in fear here in Africa. Which is the MOST ridiculous thing because all these people are looking to me for help. They are not judging me, forming negative opinions, calling me names. NOTHING. I am receiving nothing but love and appreciation. And yet…I am still fearful. Fear of failure. Fear of letting these people down. Fear of them discovering that I really don’t know what I’m doing and THEN not liking me.

So with Sarah…it’s a mixed bag. I rely so much on our friendship or at least relied very heavily on it in the beginning when I was questioning why I was here. Hell, I still rely on it cause it gets lonely here. And then there is admiration…because she has all the right experience for community work here. She seems to know exactly what she is doing and I am constantly questioning her in order to gain insight into how I can do things better. This of course borders on those feelings of weakness but because I disguise my questions in curiosity somehow I am able to get through it. Then you season all of that with my tendency to compare and that throws in some resentment and jealousy. Factoring in all those things only aid in my wanting to hold back in offering my support. See, here’s another thing. I’ve discovered the easiest and best way to hurt people that I love, is to withhold. I don’t have to call them names or argue with them. I don’t have to do anything outright. All I have to do is withhold my love and affection and it can destroy. I’ve seen it happen. I’ve done it in relationships. Hell, I’ve done it with my own sister. For much of my adult life I have judged her as being weak and powerless because she isn’t ‘more’ or isn’t ‘something I thought she should be’. So her punishment is…I ignore her. I don’t acknowledge her accomplishments. I judge her. I keep her at a distance to break her down. I do all the things to her that on some internal level I feel were done to me over the years. You would think I would be just the opposite of how other’s treated me but unfortunately, I somehow feel better if I am treating people badly. As if I am getting back at all those assholes (though, they were just people going through their own stuff at the time) for being mean to me. Yeah…that makes sense, doesn’t it? I treat the people that care about me the most…the worst…in order to enact revenge on bullies from my childhood. Really stupid David, REALLY stupid.

Returning once again to Sarah and I (and I do apologize for going off on these tangents but when insight is happening, you certainly don’t want to put a plug in the drain). We talked and I mentioned that I felt there was something going on between us and she said she felt it too and when I admitted the jealousy and admiration part, she said she felt all of that. I apologized and said I am working on it and don’t want anything to get in the way of our friendship. Of course, apologizing make me ONCE AGAIN feel weak and powerless. Such a vicious cycle. I wonder sometimes if I am just fucked. That somehow I am so screwed up that I can’t change anything about it. Then I wonder if everything I am going through is somehow normal. If other people go through very similar things as this. Sometimes I just wish I could be blissfully unaware. To just go through life on the surface and steer clear of the ‘underneath’. Course if you never do that, you can never change. Is trying to become a better person supposed to be this difficult? I suppose if it took all those years growing up to make me the person I am today, it’s going to take quite awhile to make me the person I want to be. Sometimes I just don’t know who I am or who this person I am to become is.

Sunday, September 21 - Wednesday, September 24:

This week has just been rolling along with me in the midst of once again questioning why I’m here. I’m sure it all has come up from last week’s stuff. The Monday meeting went well planning for next week’s AIDS Awareness Event. Tuesday the young OVCs came and we have some fun and worked on trust. Today, I waited for the older OVCs and they didn’t show. Finally, when I completely gave up on them around 3:30, a few showed up. I hated myself afterwards for doing it, but I told them it was cancelled. A part of me thought I was doing it to teach them responsibility and punctuality. But honestly, I was just upset that I had waited around an hour. That was really stupid of me. It’s not like I couldn’t have went ahead with the session and just let it run over, past 4. It was a really dumb thing to do.

Hellena’s two grandkids (I forget their names) stopped by and I brought out the squirt guns. They were a big hit. We played outside for a bit and then it was time for me to start dinner so I sent them home.

When I have a few days back to back where there is nothing to do and I waste the entire day watching reruns of something on the computer or play solitaire…I feel completely useless. I have to keep remembering that this will never be a 40 hour work week and learn to just be okay with the downtime. I’m just not good sitting still - even after almost a year here. I guess I thought all this isolation and solitude would slow down my mind and make me more chill. It has to some extent but at the same time, I still feel like my mind is always going and I can’t slow it down. I’ve considered going on Prozac or something like that for the past 10 years but I don’t like taking drugs - not even aspirin - so I didn’t want to start taking something that I would have to stay on for the rest of my life. But I get very tired not being okay with just being by myself and doing nothing.

Thursday, September 25 - Sunday, September 28:

On Thursday Veronica and Berta came to draw up a lease agreement with the landlord of the building they are renting, but the landlord did not come so we were not able to do anything. I waited around in the afternoon for the Social Studies teacher to come so we could work on an HIV program. He was late and then said he wanted to come back even later - but because it was my turn to cook dinner, I told him we’d have to wait until tomorrow. Dinner was great - I made ginger carrot curry that everyone loved and Dinah had brought more episodes of the Sopranos, so the night was complete.

Friday morning I did the Pharmacy thing until around lunchtime. The teacher came later and we worked on a 3 day program to teach HIV education and how to care for people who are HIV+. I think it’s going to be a big success and I’m going to have a lot of fun doing it. We planned it for Tues. - Thurs. of next week. He left and then I realized we have the event scheduled for Wednesday. Oh well, it will work out.

A few minutes before we had finished, the 2 boys, sons of Hellena, stopped by to play. We hung out a big and colored and stuff and I made them kettle corn - that was a big hit! That night, Gideon, his nephew Garrett and his Brother came over to watch another Harry Potter. They get the biggest kick out of those movies. I told Gideon that I wanted to visit his homestead so tomorrow afternoon, come and get me.

Saturday morning, 8:00 am…Gideon’s knocking on the door to take me to his homestead, lol. What was it about ‘tomorrow afternoon’ did he not understand? Anyways, I tried to get across that I had things I needed to do before I do that but he didn’t take the hint so I made it work in my favor. I made him pancakes (he’d never had them) and we went through some words in my Rukwangali dictionary.

A few hours later, Fanual and Veronica stop by with the food for next Wednesday. He then informs me that Lyambezi told him we had to move the event to Thursday because he has a meeting scheduled for Wednesday. Typical Namibia! I told Fanual that I would talk to Lyambezul (that’s what Sarah calls him) because it would of course be MUCH easier for him to move the meeting than for us to move the entire event - after posters have been out and everything.

Shortly after that, Lyambezi shows up at my door with a man and a newly made table. He informs me that the man made the table for the sewing business and Veronica told him that I would have his money. WHAT? There was no such conversation EVER uttered nor agreement made. I told him that I did not have money for the table and that there has been some miscommunication. He then decided he was going to wait around for someone to fetch Veronica to figure it out. Fortunately, he chose not to wait around at my house.

I worked on Rukwangali with Gideon a little longer and then decided to go see his place. It was nice to visit his family and see his house. It made me really want to be living in a hut myself. He then showed me where he was building a new homestead just for him and his immediate family…much closer to the clinic than the current one. My mind began to move and I asked him if I could help and also build a small hut just for me to visit on occasion. This lead me to talking about actually moving ONTO his homestead. I sort of want to do this and am sort of scared. Giving up all the conveniences that I currently have - though I would still be able to access them because I would use my current flat as my office. We’ll see…maybe I’ll do it in baby steps.

I had no sooner returned to my house when 2 learners arrived. They said they just wanted to greet me. Okay. This means come in and just hang out without saying much. Conversation ensued and he wanted to learn how to put digital pictures from the camera onto the computer and resize them. I told him I was very tired today and could we wait until tomorrow. He said that was fine. They hung out for about an hour then left.

By this time it was around 5pm and I literally hadn’t spent any time that day alone. I thought I was going to enjoy a nice quiet evening watching ‘Other People’s Lives’ but then Gideon showed up around 8 eager for some more wizardry. Such is my Namibian life.

Today I looked forward to watching some movies and reading. The electricity went out promptly 5 minutes after I awoke so the day was spent…reading…and napping…and reading…and doing crossword puzzles. I did break to go to the store to get some tomatoes. Of course the same old woman who ALWAYS asks me for a dollar asked me where I was going. I said the store. She asked for a dollar and I said no, I had no money for her. She heard ‘I have no money’. She gave me a scowl and said you have no money and yet you are going to the store. I said, yes ma’am and that was that.

I cooked over an open fire for lunch - pasta and potatoes, not very exciting. Around 3:30 the electricity came back on and I had no sooner sat down at the computer for a game of solitaire when low and behold, the learners from the day before arrived. I just had to laugh. The whole day and NOW when I have juice, here they come. I talked with him a bit and showed him some things on the computer and they left. I watered my stuff, ate some leftover pasta and now I’m settling in for the night. Whew.

Monday, September 29 - Wednesday, October 1:

Well…this is the week I’ve been waiting for since I arrived in Mpungu. This is the week that I’ve been so busy I’ve been ‘roroka unene’ (exhausted). This is the week where it felt like things clicked. My language skills clicked. My relationships with people I’ve been working with clicked. Things that I had planned came to fruition and were successful Another click.

Monday we finished making preparations for the event today. I then got ready to teach at the primary school on Tuesday. Tuesday came and the class I taught (7A/7B) went VERY well. I taught some HIV education and the kids were receptive and had fun. Then later that afternoon when I met with my younger OVCs it was amazing. We went over some things and then one of them had a question about math. So I introduced them to the multiplication table and they LOVED it. I could see tiny lights going off inside their heads. They seemed to finally be understanding things they hadn’t before. It was a great day.

Today, I had a staff meeting where I introduced some new project ideas and EVERYONE seemed receptive and excited about them - especially the planting of an orchard on the clinic site. I had thought I would have problems with the housekeeping staff because it will be up to them to maintain the saplings until they are grown but even the nurses loved the idea and said they would pitch in. We then set up for our HIV Awareness Event. Now…it so happens that last week an older mame past away and her funeral was scheduled for today. We thought about cancelling but everyone wanted to move forward with it. I’m glad we did! We had many people show up. They loved answering questions about HIV for sweets. The raffles went okay but I don’t think people fully understood what it was. We raised 33 dollars which we will use to pay for our lunch at the next event.

The BEST part was two-fold. First. We had 30 people get tested for HIV. YEAH! Second, I had SO much fun working with my group. It was as if we reached a new level in our relationship. It was awesome - like I said above, things seemed to just CLICK.

We had lunch together and I thanked them all for their help and they clapped and cheered about the success of the day. After eating, I then waited for my older OVCs to come. Only two showed up which was fine because I was tired. I decided to have them watch an IMAX film about the ocean - they loved it. Ntaantani, ame tani fusa po. Now I am going to nap. Tomorrow I get to go to the school and teach again…YEAH!

Monday, August 4 - Tuesday, August 5:

Yesterday was a typical Monday. I worked on some proposals for the new garden, the theater equipment and then worked in the pharmacy a bit. Later I was doing yoga and Gideon stopped by for me to show him some weight lifting exercises. He lives in Mpungu now so I have a feeling I’m going to be seeing a lot more of him. His boy came with him as well. He’s adorable.

Today I met with Johanna and Selma to discuss their take-away business. I then walked to the school print out of the proposals I worked on, on Monday. It was nice because the secretary was not there and I had access to her computer and copier without any hassle. On my walk back, I detoured to check out two buildings that I had not gone to since being here. It was there that I came upon what I am going to classify as the grossest thing I’ve seen in this country thus far. I noticed a donkey laying down ahead of me on the path. It looked as though a baby, a very small baby donkey, was nursing on it’s mother. I was SOOO wrong. It was, in actuality, a dog. The mother donkey was dead. It had died giving birth. It died…before the foal could be completely pushed out. The foal had gotten stuck half-way in and half-way out of it’s mother. It had also died. The dog…was eating the dead baby right out of the dead mother’s womb. Yes…the grossest thing I’ve seen so far.

Wednesday, August 6 - Thursday, August 7:

The last couple of days sped away from me as they have begun to do. One Wednesday I met with a few of the more dedicated people to discuss issues around the new smaller garden. A plan was laid to attain manure on Saturday morning with a donkey cart (hopefully the donkey is alive, lol). I hope people do show up and we can get the first part of this started. I submitted a much smaller proposal for this first garden to Global Fund, so hopefully we’ll see money for the seeds quickly. Later that day, Gideon came over to visit. Now that he lives in Mpungu and not 10k away, I believe I’m going to be seeing him more often. Somehow the topic got to sex and he started talking about the shame he and most Namibian’s feel around speaking about it. It’s very taboo to discuss anything sexual here and most young people grow up without being able to ask their parents or elders anything involving it. They grow up thinking sex is penetration and it’s just something you do. It’s not about enjoying it or pleasing the other person. Most don’t know about oral or anal sex or even alternative sexualities. I mentioned something about masturbation and he had never heard about it. He’s 36. I explained to him what it is and his eyes got all big and he said ‘I can make myself sperm?’ lol. I said yes, you can. I thought for a moment he was going to ask me for a demonstration, but he didn’t. I did give him a small packet of lube that I received in a package last month and told him to go home and practice, lol. I can’t wait to start working with the OVCs and getting them to the point where we can discuss things like this openly.

Thursday I taught English which is still very fun for me. We are too the point where I am teaching them sentence structure - subject, verb, object - and for the most part they are getting it. I then helped Fanuel move the rest of my stuff out and his stuff in, to his new office. Last week I came up with the idea of changing offices with him because with mine being away from the main reception area, people might feel more comfortable going for HIV testing if they aren’t sitting with everyone else. I’m not sure why I didn’t think of this earlier, but anyways, I’m hoping we will see an increase in the people getting tested. I also spoke to Lyambezi about holding a meeting with the headman and Fanual, to discuss the community issues around confidentiality. He seemed on board, but he tends to drag his feet on things and I have to keep on him to get anything done. Last night I cooked dinner for Christine and I cause Alex still isn’t back from Windhoek and the Hillbornes are still in England. We then watched Zeitgeist.

Friday, August 8 - Tuesday, August 11:

I spent the first part of Friday working in the pharmacy. I spent the entire time filling ‘pre-‘ prescriptions. Around 1 I broke for lunch and took the rest of the day off. I actually don’t even remember what I did, lol. Saturday I did laundry, went for a hike, watched a movie or two, practiced the guitar and slept.

Sunday, was going to end up being very much like Saturday but then 2 young boys - who I found out belong to Helena, Vicky’s friend, stopped by. They stopped by several months ago when Sarah was here and we hung out with them. I did so this time, but they stopped by right in the middle of me cooking dinner. I still feel weird about feeding other people. It’s a completely SELFISH attitude I know. When I cook, I only cook enough for 1 person AND because I haven’t been out of my village for some time, I really don’t have a lot of food. They wanted to watch a movie. I told them we could, but I was right in the middle of cooking lunch, so they would have to come back. It’s NOT part of their culture to do this. It’s part of their culture to just stay and hang out and if you are cooking, you provide them with food as well. Like I said, the selfishness crept up and I just didn’t want to split up what little I had made into 3. I feel rotten about it. It’s a shitty thing to do but... I shut and locked my door and finished and began to eat. The boys came back no less than 12 times to ask if I was done. At first it was funny, then I got annoyed. When I finished, I invited them in to watch Chicken Little. That turned into 2 other kids coming in, which was fine. Of course, their attention span is not that big and within 20 minutes they were up and running outside, then coming back, etc.

Then Paulus stopped by…while the kids were still here. I was like DAMN, I complain about being alone and then I have a house full and hate - what the F is wrong with me? Lol He had stopped by earlier in the week because he wanted my help to get him money to produce his music CD. He sings gospel. I looked over his business plan and told him I wouldn’t be able to get him that kind of money, but helped him with options. I told him I would help him plan concerts and events in the area for him to raise money for his CD. He also runs a tire repair service but is short of equipment, so I am going to help him get the money for the few things he needs to get up and running. I have NO, let me say ZERO problem asking friends back home for money for people who are hardworking and want to start a business to support themselves or upgrade an existing one. This guy is motivated. He said by getting his business going, that in about a year he could have the money to produce his CD. Damn…do you know anyone in the states who would wait that long? Most people want things to happen NOW.

Yesterday I worked in my new office - did I mention that Fanuel and I switched offices so that his clients would feel more comfortable being away from the reception area? Well, it’s working out nicely. Also, now my office is within the clinic so people will see me better. I worked on organizing some projects on the computer.

This morning I got up and went for my hour’s walk - forgot to mention that as well, eh? Yeah, I need to start doing some sort of exercise and so until my bicycle gets here, I am going to walk an hour every morning. Worked in my office the rest of the day. The ministry of works is here replacing light bulbs and installing electrical outlets - so I SCORED on some new lights and 2 new plugs which will alleviate me having to plug and unplug certain things every time I use them.

Wednesday, August 12:

In the past 24 hours I’ve realized 2 things about myself. 1 is more about me as a person and the other is more just about life - yet it pertains to me and my experience here.

First, I don’t enjoy responsibility. Sounds weird to say it like that but I’ve realized that I don’t want people to rely on me because I assume I will just let them down in the end. I know this is my insecurity speaking - telling me that I cannot do anything right. That nothing I do is good enough. I have been putting out the energy of ‘don’t ask me for anything because I’m too afraid to help you’. I believe that to be part of the reason people have not been ‘on board’ with projects or coming to me with their own. Where the hell does that come from? There is a part of me that knows that anything I put my all into I succeed at. I KNOW this. And yet there is an equal amount of doubt mixed in enough to just freeze me in place. It’s like here. I long to be busy with things but then when I have a day that is completely tied up with stuff, I wish I had a break. Not sure that goes exactly with what I just said but…

How can someone getting ready to turn 40 feel that petrified of success? What is it about having people need me for something that causes me to cringe away and run? When was that seed of doubt about my ability planted? And why the hell have I nurtured it for so long. I KNOW I can do whatever needs to be done here in Mpungu…but this doubt and fear creep up and just knock me down.

Second has to do with working on oneself. I joined PC partly because I wanted to change things about myself and I thought going through a rough experience such as this would be just the ticket. I actually believed I was choosing the easy way out. Hah! I think the most important thing I’ve realized so far is that growth is NOT easy. AND it takes work. There is no seminar, book, spiritual guide, experience or trip that is going to cause the shift within. All those things do is bring your ‘shit’ floating to the surface. Isn’t that exactly what has happened to me here? Yeah. Now it’s up to me to do something with all of it before it settles back down and I return to my old way of thinking and being.

It’s like with the insecurity thing. What better way to work through that than to charge head first into these projects (fear and all) and be successful with them?

So I woke up today with that thought in my head. First thing I did was call a meeting with the headman about the confidentiality issue surrounding Fanuel, the VCT counselor. When I spoke with Lyambezi I would not take ‘no’ for an answer and we ended up meeting with the headman now-now. The meeting was brief but I feel I gained a lot from it. We are going to have a meeting with just men in the community and address the issue that way. With the mentality that men are the head of the household, this is the best way to approach this.

When we returned, Esther Kavera and her husband Josiah were waiting for me. She wants to start a kindergarten. She has been teaching some under age youth in her village under a tree. She wants to help prepare them for primary school. Most of these are orphans who cannot afford to go to primary school as it is. Instantly, my gut pulled tight and I started say ‘Well, I work for the Ministry of Health, not the Ministry of Education, so I’m now sure… and then I stopped myself. Here was the opportunity I was looking for. It’s something completely out of my league and is going to require a lot of footwork and a lot of question asking, but it’s PERFECT for busting through those doubts and fears.

So I took a deep breath, and re-addressed her. I talked to her a bit about writing a proposal and what would be required of that. Also, that this would time some time but I was willing to work with her on it as long as it took. Am I scared? Sure. Do I have any clue as to how to start a kindergarten? Not a damn one! Am I going to move forward with this with an open mind and 150%? F’ yeah!

One big question remains for me. I have always felt ‘broken’. Like there was something wrong or missing from me that made me ‘normal’. I have never felt like I ‘fit in’ - though what I am actually trying to fit into, I’m not sure’. But I guess I am just ALWAYS - DAILY - CONSTANTLY aware of these doubts and stuff running through my head. They seem to permeate every part of my life. Is THIS normal? Do other people struggle as much with their own insecurities? Or do most people just shuffle them under the rug and continue forward not letting them get in their way? If that’s the case, is that the thing to do? Or is that avoidance? And is there a balance between living your life and thinking about the way you are living your life? Where is that balance? How does one achieve it? Where do I sign up?

Thursday, August 14 - Friday, August 15:

So yesterday I tried to have yet another meeting and only 2 people showed up. I had had it. I point blank asked them…’why aren’t people showing up to meetings?’ Why aren’t people motivated any more? And FINALLY someone was honest with me and laid it out. So, it seems there are 3 main reasons why the garden and building projects have lost their momentum.

First, people don’t want to attend meetings because of the stigma of HIV. When radio announcements and notices for meetings are posted, people are concerned that by attending, others will know or think they are positive. This is partly my fault because I came into this situation believing that people needed to be open about their status and stand up for themselves so that other’s minds will change. I was wrong…I shouldn’t have assumed people were ready and willing to do that. At the same time, someone could and should have told me this MUCH sooner so that I could correct this easily.

Second, nothing is being accomplished and people feel like they are working for nothing. This is partly my fault because I came into this wanting to get things started quickly. It was my philosophy that I only have 2 years here and I need to accomplish as much as possible. I thought it was better to get started on clearing the garden instead of waiting for the money to come in, so that we’d be ready when it did. I hadn’t take into account exactly how long funding WOULD take. So I take some responsibility for this and yet at the same time, people could have been a little more patient and understanding instead of just giving up so quickly. They again, could have let me know what they were feeling.

Thirdly, some of the HIV+ people told the people doing home-based health care that they were not going to benefit from the garden. That only the positive people would. Well…why would they want to continue working their asses off in the garden if they weren’t going to directly benefit? This one…completely out of my hands.

So…now it’s all about ‘fixing’ all of this. Can I? Can it be fixed so that I can pick up where we left off and continue forward? Or has too much taken place for me pick up the pieces and be productive? I’m hoping that I can sort of ‘start over’ without going back too far. I chatted with my friend Tom D. today. It was perfect timing. He had some great advice and words of comfort and support. The one thing that stuck out for me, is when he talked about how the management training he took awhile back, talked about how when you fail, you recover. Then you fail again, and then recover again. Then you fail again, and you recover yet again. Throughout all of the failing, you learn and approach the next situation differently and with more experience. Well, I seem to have failed a few times here and now it’s time to recover. Recover big time.

There’s a fine line between blaming yourself for everything that is going wrong and accepting one’s responsibility in it. There’s also a line between being self-depricating and knowing you did your best. I am struggling to find that line…but am closer now than ever.

Saturday, August 16 - Monday, August 18:

I had begun not feeling okay yesterday before I went to sleep. Saturday I vegged most of the day. Went for a walk, read a bit, watched a movie but generally did nothing. I did run into my friends Tom Difolco and Oreste on yahoo messenger. It was great to chat with them and to vent, especially with Tom. He’s a priest and a coach and had some great words of advice and encouragement. We chatted a lot about my tendency to compare my accomplishments to those of others. I need to not do that any more.

Sunday I woke up feeling worse. I was actually starting to worry that it might be malaria. I took my temperature repeatedly throughout the day but it never shot above 100, so I took some aspirin and sinus medication because I was so congested and again, took it very easy. I had planned on going to church to make an announcement for the groups to meet on Monday, but I skipped out and had Fanuel do it. The electricity was out all day so that added to the boredom. I couldn’t even veg in front of the computer.

Today I spent the morning preparing for the meeting that I hoped and prayed people would show up for. Well…they did! Finally! All the people I had worked with in the beginning that hadn’t been around for months…showed up! It was great. Then the meeting began and it turned to shit. They started arguing about the ‘pay in’ that was agreed upon in the beginning. They were complaining that nothing was happening. People from UMYA were complaining that they didn’t feel like a part of the other groups. I loved it! Finally people were talking and conversing and I felt like we were making headway.

The conversation ensued without a lot of prodding on my part. After about 2 and half hours, I felt like we were making headway. We agreed to meet every Monday at 2 from now and to move forward with the garden. Now…it could turn out that no one will show at the next meeting and I will once again be depressed and what not. But I am keeping the faith that now it’s time to hit the ground running. I just hope the money for the smaller garden comes in quickly so that we can move forward with some planting. These people AND myself need to have something happen SOON.

Tuesday, August 19 - Friday, August 22:

I can’t remember Tuesday or Wednesday at all. Thursday morning I prepared for English Club which didn’t amount to much because I was ready the week before and it got cancelled. Well, 11 am came and only Veronica showed up. I waited and waited, still no one else. I went to get Fanuel and there was everyone in his office. They had came thinking there was a meeting of the Buddies when actually their wasn’t. I decided to cancel English Club once again and just got ready to leave for Rundu the next day.

Around lunch I discovered that Efraim was going to Nankudu so I jumped on the chance for a free ride. He went the other way to the Hospital and I thought about getting out in Nkurenkuru to hike but then decided making it another 25k closer to Rundu would be better. I was wrong! I spent 2 hours trying to hike by the road but there was no luck. At about 4 I got nervous that I would be stranded so I decided to hike back to Nkurenkuru and just crash at Sarah’s place for the night.

I had no sooner made it back that I noticed a ‘Cool Rider’ vehicle pointed in the direction of Rundu. I ran over and wa-la, got my ride to Rundu. It was actually quite fun - the people in the back with me were awesome. The dead fish they bought along the way hardly even bothered me. Once in Rundu. I bought some groceries for the next day and headed to Molly’s. We caught up a bit, then Tina arrived from Windhoek and we chatted, then I crashed.

The next morning Tina left early to pick up her kids from the Diversity Tour - cause they all were being transported back to Caprivi. I was gonna ride with them but wanted to do some work on the internet. I headed out to the hike point around 9 to find Tina, Ed, Betsy and their kids still waiting transport. Betsy is going on the holiday with me so we stood by the road to hitch a ride. 3.5 hours later we got picked up by a semi. Semis are nice in the sense that it’s comfortable and you can sleep in the bunk and read but the downside is that they drive MUCH slower so the trip takes longer.

We arrived in Katima around 6:30, met up with Mel and Kennedy, stopped by Kaitlin’s house then headed to Jehan’s. We cooked dinner and crashed. Oh, by the way, I saw my first elephant! Just standing by the road as we drove by on the strip. It was cool.

Saturday, August 23 - Sunday, August 24:

I got the chance to explore Katima a bit, take care of some money exchanging things and purchase my Zambian Visa. That! Was the biggest expense at $135 USD. We then picked up stuff for dinner, rented a movie (yes, I know, where am I?) and hung out at Jehan’s. We had just turned on the stove for the veggie burgers and was reheating pasta in the microwave when BAM! - the electricity went out. Now, electricity in Africa is different than the states. You buy it in increments and have to watch to see how much you are using - so you don’t run out. Jehan had went camping and her roommate Sakees wasn’t home. So we thought our fun night of a movie and dinner was over. But, alas, everything works out in the Peace Corps. Sakees came home and drove to the Shell stations for a voucher.

Sunday we got up super early so we would not miss the bus in Sesheke to Livingston. We made it in time and when I asked how much the ticket was and he said 50,000, I was taken aback. 50,000 Kwacha he said. That is the Zambian currency. So 50,000 was like $110 Namibian. Which is like $15 dollars American. Ah…relief. Jeff and I played Phase 10 while Betsy and Mell slept. We arrived just before 10 am, checked into the Faulty Towers hostel and then headed directly to Subway. Yes…Subway! As we entered the restaurant, I closed my eyes and that familiar smell of freshly baked bread enveloped me. Ah…I was back in the US grabbing wraps with Mark after the movies.

We then went to Super Spar for food for later and walked back to the hostel. We hung a bit, then went out to explore. Discovered Jolly Boys, the place where most PCVs stay, had a drink and then Jeff and I walked back to Spar for breakfast food. Oh, we also made our reservations for activies for the next two days. Tomorrow we are going white water rafting, then in the evening a sunset cruise. On Tuesday we are doing the microlite over the falls at dusk. That’s like a hang glider with a motorcycle engine attached. I’m scared as hell but excited about it just the same. The view of the falls from the air is going to be amazing!. This vacation is going to rock.

Monday, August 25:

I don’t think I can put into words the adrenaline rush that I experienced today. I have never been white water rafting nor did I think it would be something I would enjoy. It was mind blowing! It’s the scariest, most exciting thing I’ve ever done - my entire life. I’ve never been adventurous - I think I like to claim to be - but I’m really not. This experience today blew me away. First of all the view walking down to the boiling point where we take off was breathtaking. Then of course, the first rapids we have to go over, our boat completely flips. I was underwater for a particularly long time and I had not planned on being, so I didn’t breath in enough. There was a moment of panic when I couldn’t breath, couldn’t see the surface and had no idea where I was. It’s the most frightened I’ve ever been. But I clawed my way to the surface and gasped for air and made my way back to the raft. I was safe…and alive. I was pumped…and ready for more. And trust me, there was plenty more. We ended up flipping 4 times. None as scary as the first. I learned not to fight the water. I would always surface eventually and the water would take me to safety. After awhile I began to regret only doing the ½ day course. After the 10th rapid - we had to walk around number 9 because it was a class 6 - we de-boated and made the long climb to the top for our transport back.

The cruise was beautiful and we saw a crocodile, giraffe, and some hippos. The best thing of all was one of the most amazing sunsets I’ve ever seen. I just wish I had a better camera with a sharp lense because mine could not capture it the way I was seeing it. They served dinner and of course it was all you can drink - alcohol wise. I’m not a big drinker at all and the options were limited - beer, vodka, gin - so I drank a few gin and fantas - sort of like a creamsicle. What I’ve realized though is that I just don’t enjoy it. Alcohol that is. There isn’t one particular drink that I love so much I want it all the time. Also, I really don’t enjoy the ‘buzz’. I suppose most people do because it loosens then up and allows them to release their inhibitions. Truth is, I don’t have many of those, so not much to release there, lol.

We did hang out with one of the PC Zambia volunteers and after the cruise, went to Jolly Boys to meet the others. PCVs are pretty much the same everywhere you go - cool, down-to-earth, generous people. The Zambi’s all live in huts without electricity and water - just like our Caprivi kids. As I listened and talked to them I started to wonder again (as I usually do) about the experience I’m having. Am I missing a key element in my personal growth by having all the creature comforts? Is it affecting the progress of what I’m doing? At this point it would be difficult to give it all up for hut life but if I had started out that way, by now it would be easier. Or is it that regardless of my living arrangements, all the difficulties, successes, failures, etc. would be the same. I guess there is just no way of knowing. I still just wish that I had or hope that I find, passion in what I’m doing. I don’t want to look back at my 2 years in the Peace Corp as something I felt I HAD to do as a global citizen I really do want it to be the ‘toughest job I ever loved’.

Tuesday, August 26:

We got up, had breakfast, went to the bank for some Kwacha and caught a shuttle bus to the falls. We ran into the group of Zambian PCVs and so instead of 30,000 Kwacha to enter the park we only paid 2200. We then saw a second gate that many people were walking in and out of and realized we could have gotten in for free - dumb on our parts.

So our first view of the falls was…monumental!! It was one of the most breathtaking sites I’ve ever laid eyes on. Words will not do it justice. It’s like trying to describe the Grand Canyon to someone who has never been - you just can’t.

We hiked around most of the morning then headed to the bungee jumping site. Betsy was the only one doing it. On the way we ate our cheese sandwiches and Mel was attacked by a baboon. It was hysterical. It was walking towards us all then it sort of singled her out. She threw her sandwich in the air and screamed and ran. Betsy then threw her sandwich down and ran even though it hadn’t come near her. Some local just picked up a stick and chased it away. I then retrieved some of the sandwiches and we continued lunch.

We asked several people along the way how to get to the bungee site, including Zimbabwian immigration and then when we got there, found it closed. SOMEONE could have told us that before we walked all that way. Zimbabwe is facing a huge financial crisis right now, so there were tons of guys trying to sell us 100 billion in currency for 1 American dollar - as a souvanier. That’s how shitty their currency is.

We returned to the other side of the falls and explored some more. This was where we got to walk along the actual edge - through the water - just mere feet from where it plummets over the edge. You can’t do it during the rainy season but the water was low enough now. We were literally swimming in pools next to the edge. Surreal. Around 2:30 we headed to the pickup site for the microlites, had milk shakes and napped. At 4 we were transported to the runway where for 414,000 Kwacha - 110 American, we signed up for our 15 minute flights. Microlites are hang gliders with engines attached. Sort of like a motorcycle with wings. We were whisked up into the air and then we circled around the falls a few times. Again, can’t put into words. Scary, exhilarating - breathtaking. I think I’m discovering my inner adrenaline justice.

We returned to the hostel, showered and walked to a vegetarian restaurant. We discussed the day before. The food was some of the best I’ve had since leaving the US and we were joined by some of the Zambian PCVs. It was interesting swapping stories. They all live in huts with no amenities and are doing grassroots work like beekeeping and fish farming. It’s much more like the Peace Corps I thought I was stepping into.

Wednesday, August 27 - Friday, August 29:

We slept in a bit and then prepared to head out. Jeff wasn’t feeling well at all and we decided it was food poisoning. Actually, none of us felt ‘great’. So much for the good vegetarian food. Jeff and I said goodbye to Mel and Betsy who were taking the intercape and we headed out to try and free hike back. Hiking is bad enough as it is, but to be sick on top of it…it totally sucks. After 2 separate hikes we made it back to the Namibian border, through customs and back to Jehan’s house. We rented a few movies, made dinner and crashed.

I got up early and started hiking to Divundu. I got one quickly but when I got to Divundu, it was taking forever to get to Botswana from there - a mere 60k away. After a few hours I made the decision to get to Rundu. I got a second hike rather quickly, got to Rundu, met with the Ministry of Forestry and had a great conversation about my beautification project, went to the PC office for the internet a bit, then eventually got to Molly’s. We chatted a bit then I crashed cause I was exhausted.

Friday I headed to town to do some grocery shopping then hike to Nkurenkuru. I ran into the pastor of ELCIN in Mpungu, so I scored a ride. He said he’d be leaving around 9. I did all my stuff and sat down at exactly 9 and waited for him. At 11 he showed up and I headed home. I assumed it was a free ride seeing it was HIM and that we were from the same place. But no…upon arrival to Nkurenkuru I was charged the hiking free. I really couldn’t believe it. Maybe I’m wrong to assume I should get free rides, but there is still a part of me that thinks I shouldn’t be charged for hiking by the people who I am actually helping…is that ego?

Sarah was having a birthday party for Batilda, one of her bike mechanics. They came over, we ate cake, then headed to Luna for some drinking and dancing. It was very fun and I found myself a little jealous of her that she has developed such close bonds with people at her site. Is it her personality? Is it that they speak English? I don’t know.

Saturday, August 30 - Sunday, August 31:

Got up, made French toast and then Sarah and I hiked to ‘the rapids’. On some map, it was marked that there were rapids on the river about 5k from Sarah’s house. They weren’t quite rapids…more like ripples. But just the same, we took the opportunity to take some more naked pics for our calendar - us washing clothes and then a pseudo ‘garden of eden’ pose. On the walk back to her house, we decided to take naked photos all over SNL’s house for a going home video.

We were exhausted by the time we got back to her house because it’s getting so friggin’ hot here. We napped, watched a movie, cooked dinner and crashed. Sunday, we got up and took care of the naked pics in the house - it was hysterical…it’s going to be hard to wait 3 months to show them! I then headed to the hike point and scored a free ride with Alex who was on his way back from Nankudu. Got back, caught up with Efuta, chatted with some nursing staff and unpacked. I then got a text that a friend of mine from Grootfontein was in Mpungu. He was the nephew of the host family I stayed with their and I hadn’t seen him since December. He popped over and we caught up for a few hours and then I read and fell asleep. It’s good to be home.

I thought there was a place for people to contact me after reading my blog if they so chose. I realize that is not the case. For those of you who have read my blog and are interested in staying in more direct contact with me and/or being a part of some of the projects I am working on, please email me at pcvdlc@yahoo.com. If you want, you can also snail mail me at PO Box 6115, Nkurenkuru, Namibia, Africa. Peace...

Tuesday, July 1 - Tuesday, July 8:

Last week I had hoped would be the first week back on track with everything. When I say everything, I mean continual work on all the projects - garden, building, etc. The Thursday before at the meeting that only a few showed up to, they gave me all the days and times for when they would be around for work. Wednesday, we were supposed to start working on the garden again. Wednesday came and no one showed up. I did what I always do and went up to the garden and put in some time. Still…no one else showed up. I made the decision that unless at least one other person shows, I am not going to work in the garden alone. The garden is supposed to be for them…they need to take some ownership.

Thursday morning came and went without anyone showing up for the project meeting and then only 3 showed up to English. Few showing up for that doesn’t bother me all that much because teaching English isn’t a priority like the other things. After English and some lunch and then Lyambezi wanting to use my computer to write an accident report, I headed to the hike point to make it to Nkurenkuru. I waited about 3 hours and just (of course) when I had given up and was going to head home, my ride came. This time, with an Evangelical pastor who proceeded to try and ‘save’ me for the next hour.

At Sarah’s I had a package waiting from Craig. Craig is someone I don’t know at all. We just ran into each other online and he was kind enough to send me some stuff. He had no idea Dove chocolates are my favorite in the world - and they made it here without melting!

Friday morning I waited for Janne (Suvi’s husband) to pick me up around 7:30 and we headed to Rundu. We had a great conversation about Namibia on the way there. He dropped me off at the TRC. I ran into Justin and we caught up a bit, then I headed into town to run a bunch of errands. I met Juice at the carwash for lunch then as I was heading back to the TRC to see Mary, I got a text from my hetero life partner Kennedy (in Caprivi). Come to find out he was in Rundu for the big party! I grabbed a taxi and headed to Patrick’s to see him. He’s my bud, what can I say. He and I and Thea headed into town to get them something to eat. We ended up going to the Omashari for pizza - okay, twice in a 2 week period, I know I’m really splurging. We returned to Patrick’s and crashed. While we were there, most of the 26ers were at Maggie’s. That night, Alex got burned accidentally by a firecracker and the next day he was flown to Windhoek. He’s freaked out that he might be sent home because of the incident.

Saturday I found out Rachel we in town. She had caught the best hike ever. She flew in with Gaspar (the American Embassy guy) in his private plane. Talk about luck. She was meeting Ash and Juice at the Omashari for pizza but since I had just partaken the night before, I passed on lunch but stopped to say hi. Come to find out, she might be transferred to Rundu because she was attached in her flat at her site. She’s okay and nothing too horrible happened, but she’s on PEP and Hannah B. wants her out of her current place as soon as possible. I’m excited about the possibility of her coming up north, but feel badly about the circumstances.

We then went shopping for stuff to braii at the Bavaria later, headed back to Patrick’s to catch an episode of Lost Season 4. Yes, I FINALLY got it! Around 4:30 we all headed to the lodge and the festivities. It was fantastic. Many 26ers I hadn’t seen since shadowing and initial site visit. It was GREAT catching up with Mary from Andara. The entire evening was great. Everyone chilling out, yeah, there was some alcohol involved, but no one got crazy. I discovered I enjoy Absolut Kurrant with 7-Up - my drink of choice keeps changing. Jeff and I headed back to papa bear’s around 10:30 and went right to bed.

Sunday I was waiting on SNL to text me so we could all hike back together. I went and got some groceries and met them at Engin. While we were waiting on our combi to leave, I ran into Lyambezi. That man is very funny and I’m going to have to talk to him. He KNEW I was in Rundu and would be needing a ride back. What is so hard about sending me a text and telling me when he is heading to Mpungu. This happens quite a lot. He did say if I couldn’t get out of Nkurenkuru that I could catch a ride with him.

When I got to Sarah’s, I decided to do just that. So I texted him and waited. Waiting long enough that I was there when Sarah got home!!! YEAH!!! It’s hard to believe it’s been a month! We caught up a bit, but Michael from BEN Bikes was with her and his assistant (they came up for a meeting the next day). Lyambezi never called so I just slept there. Monday, I waited 3 hours for a hike back to the village and took it easy. I unpacked, caught up on some stuff here, hung with Efuta, then watched back to back episodes of Lost until I fell asleep. I had promised myself I was going to only watch one a week and stretch it out…so much for that.

Today, I worked ALL day in the pharmacy. Organizing and labeling. I also told Lyambezi that I wanted to work as the pharmacy assistant on Mondays. This will give me something to do AND help out the nursing staff. I have a feeling in the next month all the down time I’ve been complaining about having is going to come to a screeching halt and you will begin to hear me complain about having NO time to myself, lol. If it isn’t one extreme it’s the other.

Wednesday, July 9 - Thursday, July 10:

A few of the women from the support group showed up so we worked in the garden for a bit. Digging up tree roots is NOT easy, lol. I have the blisters to prove it. We worked for about 2 hours then I came back and just chilled a bit before lunch. I then prepared for English, cooked dinner and watched some Scrubs. Today, no one showed up for the 9 am meeting (I’m not surprised by things like this any more yet still annoyed). English club went really well and was fun. I then met with the 4 learners who are going to help me with the OVC project to discuss some ideas and make plans for the first meeting. We scheduled it for the first week of the 2nd term. I’m looking very forward to it.

I just returned from the VSOs for dinner which was nice. Dinah gave me a large bottle of Amarula which is similar to Bailey’s Irish Cream. Now, if I only had some eggnog, lol. Tomorrow I am headed to Nkurenkuru for the weekend to hang with Sarah. We have a LOT to catch up with!

Friday, July 11 - Sunday, July 13:

I waited for people to show up to work on the building to no avail, so I called it quits, worked on some things at the house and headed to Rundu. Fortunately there was a car at the clinic heading that way so I didn’t have to hike. Sarah and Lindsey were at her school working on preparations for Saturday’s Talent Show for her AIDS club. I met them there, then Sarah and headed to her house. The rest of the day was low key and we made chili for dinner. We stayed up late watching LOST - too late, and then crashed.

Saturday I ran to the post to find 2 packages waiting for me - thanks again Patti and mom! A little after noon we headed to the school with the supplies. Some of the boys were setting up the tent already. Why they needed a tent I’m not sure. I played with some younger kids who were just hanging around. About 5 I headed back to Sarah’s because I needed to go grocery shopping before the store closed. Also, Stephanie and her boyfriend had stopped by for the day so we hung out a bit. I shopped, waited for Lindsey to shower, then we headed back to the school.

The show was supposed to start around 5, but didn’t get going until around 7:30. Sarah and I were in charge of the door. Selling tickets and letting people in. It was fun but a lot of work. People claiming they had paid for tickets but didn’t have it on them. Older, drunk guys wanting to force their way in because of who they were. I was in charge of trying to keep the event alcohol free. I turned many a drunk man away, lol. The power was nice…I felt like Vin Diesel (he used to be a bouncer before he was an actor ya know!). After a few hours, we wanted to see some of the show and so at that point, we dis-manned the doors and forced our way to the front of the crowd. They were in the dance portion of the show. It was AMAZING! These kids could KRUMP like nobody’s business. On top of that, they were doing it on a stage made from the desks of the library, lol. Many were not wearing shoes or were wearing badly worn flip flops. This did NOT deter them one bit. It’s amazing what people will accept as just part of their lives and work with it. While in the states, we tend to bitch and moan about the silliest shit.

This morning I left around 11, waited a few hours or a ride, snagged a free one, got back here, now I am settling back in. I’m gonna practice the guitar here in a bit then read.

Monday, July 14 - Thursday, July 17:

If I don’t write in this thing every day, the time tends to get blurred and I forget what has occurred. Monday I worked in the pharmacy all day. I have taken on the task of being the pharmacy assistant on Mondays. This helps the clinic staff out and gives me a day of having something concrete to do. I spent the day alphabetizing and labeling the medicine and supplies. I will actually be dispensing medication for patients starting next week.

Tuesday I continued to work in the pharmacy to finish up the organization and that took all day. Wednesday, 3 people showed up to work in the garden so we cranked out a few hours. That afternoon, I checked email to discover that one of the NGOs I submitted the proposal for the garden to, is not going to be able to help me. It’s also not going to be able to help me with 3 of the other ones I submitted. That was a big let down. Ya see, with it going on 6 months that I’ve been at site…I really need to feel like or see something accomplished. It’s really hard for me to accept that I’m doing some good here when I don’t see anything directly. I know that’s the ‘immediate gratification’ need within myself…but honestly, it’s hard to be here day after day, working towards things that seem to get farther and farther away.

How does one keep the faith when there doesn’t seem to be evidence of anything? It’s very frustrating and ends up circling back to my insecurities about being here in the first place. I talked with Sarah about it - who is amazing at all this community work because she’s had MUCH more experience in it. She seemed to think that I haven’t really laid the ground work for getting the people who I need to be involved in the projects…INVOLVED. I feel like I have done my best but I also know that my shy side has kept me from spending time just talking with people. When I hold meetings - the ones where people actually attend - I usually take control of them in order for there to be organization. I think this is one of the first problems. I should let the meetings run themselves and not try to control them. Maybe it IS my fault that things are going as well as I’d hoped. Now the question arises…do I have time to ‘start over’? And do I really need to start completely over or just find some common ground.

I realize that I came into the Peace Corps just wanting to go to another country and ‘work’. To do some good and make a difference. PC doesn’t really work that way though. You have to do ‘community development’ and that involves working with what? The community. I guess I just don’t have the patience to sit around and wait for them to come to me and to spend 5 hours in a meeting and have nothing accomplished. The problem with my lack of patience and desire to get a lot accomplished though, clashes with this particular culture.

Is this entire experience about me learning to slow down and see the bigger picture? I do know on some level that months from now…even a year from now…I will look back and see that everything happened the way it was supposed to. I guess there is just a part of me that wants to see results cause I want the people I am working with to see that I’m actually doing something. But when you filter that down…it’s about ME needing to see that I am doing something here. Is that a bad thing though? If I was working at a job in the states and not accomplishing anything and not finding passion in it…wouldn’t I quit? Why would anyone stay in that place. This is a slightly different situation, so I guess I need to step back and re-evaluate once again.

I have also discovered that I compare my resources to those of others…especially Sarah. It’s the simple things like a fax machine, printer, copier, etc. I don’t have immediate access to those and I sometimes blame that for why I am not more productive. That’s a lousy excuse. THAT filters down to me playing the victim role which I do from time to time.

During all of this emotional shit…my sister called Tuesday night, very upset, to tell me that my dad was having an outpatient procedure done on Thursday morning to see if there is a blockage in his heart. I felt bad that she was so distraught and that I wasn’t there to do anything. I comforted her the best I could. She tends to worry about things much more than I do…she definitely gets that from mom.

I talked to my dad today (Thursday) after the procedure and he was fine and they didn’t find any blockages. Now he will go on medication for about 6 months and he should be fine. One of my biggest fears about being in Africa has nothing to do with ME being in Africa. It’s that something will happen to one of my ‘rents while I am here. I try not to think about it, but it creeps up from time to time - ESPECIALLY when I get news like this. I wanted to grow didn’t I?

Today I got up early to hike to Nkurenkuru for a CACOC meeting. I waited about an hour before landing a ride. I then was in his vehicle for about an hour while he drove around picking people up and then back to Mpungu because he forgot someone. He then proceeded to stop in Nepara (1/2 way to Nkurenkuru) and tell me he decided NOT to go there. So here I was, already late and stuck in a place where there is VERY little traffic. I was cursing this country for about 30 minutes, lol. I finally got a ride, got to Sarah’s, to find out they cancelled the meeting THIS morning! F’N FRUSTRATING!

Sarah and I caught up, ran some errands, walked to the fish farm for some onions and carrots, cooked lunch, played some Phase 10,checked the post, watched some Scrubs, made Gadi-Gadi for dinner and now she’s on the phone with her sister. It’s time for bed!

Friday, July 18 - Sunday, July 20:

It’s a bittersweet irony that the person I’m closest to in the PC (emotionally and physically) has so much experience with community development. All of Sarah’s projects and people seem to be going full-strength ahead with lots of motivation while mine have come to a standstill. On one side, for me, I can bounce things off her to figure out what I’m doing wrong. On the other hand, it infuriates my ego to have to lean on her for support. AND the whole comparison thing that I do so well.

I haven’t been sitting on my ass at site but I haven’t been doing things the way should have probably been done in order to keep the motivation going. This is just going to require me to ‘re-focus’ which is a word I keep throwing around. The problem I have with doing that, is that I feel like I am running out of time. It’s funny how when I first got to site and was so freaked out about being in the village that I wanted time to go by quickly. I kept counting down the days til I got to leave site or got to leave the country. Now I fear that I don’t have enough time to complete the projects I’ve started in the next 16 months! It’s already the end of July (practically) and then there’s August which will go by quickly cause I’ve planned a week’s vacation at the end of the month. Then it’s September and I start my OVC program.

ADHD - back to the garden project. Maybe if I have a meeting and the people decide that we don’t need the extensive fence that initially they asked for and the water tank and such. Maybe if we fenced in a smaller portion of the garden area with thornbush, got NamWater to install the pump, that we could round up the money in a smaller proposal for the garden implements and seeds. THAT way we could get planting very soon and then I could try and get money for a fence during the rest of my time here. Maybe there is even a way to build a cheaper fence…one that would keep the animals out and we would have to hope and pray people wouldn’t steal the food. Sarah has had no problem with theft….yet. But in the next few weeks her stuff will be ready to harvest, so we’ll see what happens.

As far as the building goes. I should have a large community meeting and get more people on board with the project. Also, maybe we are shooting too high to get an actual Community Hall type structure built. I mean, Mpungu isn’t even a town yet and it’s years from becoming one. Also, when that happens, the Ministry of Urban Development will come in and build one. I should just focus on getting a structure built that can be utilized sooner than later. One that won’t cost N$150,000. I could probably get built for closer to N$30,000. We don’t need a super nice roof or electricity or anything like that. It just needs to be a structure with a window and a door and something to keep the rain out. We can enclose it completely to keep out ‘skidders’ (mosquitoes - no, it’s not a Rukwangali word, it’s a hillbilly word).

I know things will work out and this is one of those HUGE lessons in me learning to be patient. It’s also teaching me other things about community development that I’ve realized I just don’t have a passion for. Can I do it while I’m here and find some joy in my accomplishments…I believe so. It’s funny, I knew coming into the PC that I would be challenged…how can one not, right? But the things that I’m having the most difficulty with are not things I thought would come up. I’ll say it again…it’s all about growth, right?

So now that I’ve vented about all of that, I’ll fill ya in about the weekend. Friday we hung out, cooked good food, went to the salon (Sarah got buzzed and I got micro-corn rolls - not quite Bo Derek but I think they are pretty sexy, lol), then we played Phase 10 and Pictionary with Ben, Scot, Lindsey and Christine. It was fun. Saturday we went to the Cultural Dancing Contest at Lindsey’s school. THIS was awesome and it made me wish we didn’t see this kind of stuff more often. Kids from various grades competed against one another in traditional clothing and dances that they put together with current messages - like safer sex, etc. The dancing was amazing! As I sat and watched, I realized that this was a part of their culture that is weeding it’s way out. I mean, people don’t do these types of dances for specific reasons anymore. They used to be done in order to have good harvests, get rain to come, bless the birth of a child, etc. Now they are only brought out during events like this or to satisfy the curiosity of tourists. Some PCVs have told me that when tourists travel through their village, the kids are required to leave class and dance for them. The kids are supposed to benefit financially from this but they never see the money. Most principals or higher-ups pocket it for themselves. If they were getting it, I wouldn’t feel quite as bad but it’s kind of gross that these children are forced to ‘dance for the white man for change’. It’s really sickening.

So, with each new generation, these dances and other cultural parts of their history are lost. I wonder how many years it will take before they are completely forgotten. Probably not as long as I would think.

Later that day Sarah and I watched a movie, she made amazing lentil burgers, then we played Monopoly with the gang. I was the first to lose and usually I’m a VERY bad loser…but I handled it with dignity, lol. We came back and watched some Scrubs and fell asleep. I will be heading home after lunch and just chill the rest of the day. Pick up the guitar a bit and possibly do some yoga. I need to find the strength to somewhat ‘start-over’ and see if I can still make some progress with the things I’m doing at site. If I could get past the ‘comparing’ thing and rely strictly on the praise I get from my supervisor and others, I would realize that I’m doing fine as I am. But is it wrong to expect more from yourself and if not, what is the difference or line per se between having high expectations and never feeling like what you are doing is good enough?

Monday, July 21 - Friday, July 25:

Spank me! I’m a bad ‘journal keeper-upper’. As I said last time, I came back to site with a new found focus and mission. I met with Lyambezi to discuss the changes in our initial plan for things and he was on board. So yesterday morning I sat and waited for people to show up for the meeting. A handful actually did, so things were accomplished. They were actually excited about starting the garden at the clinic and understood what was going on with the funding for the larger one. We also got into a discussion about the theater project - with a lot of arguing about who should be the recipients of the income from it - we left it open for much more discussion.

As I knew it would, when I mentioned that the funding for Veronica and Berta’s sewing business had come through and that I was picking up the machines this coming week, people were full of ideas of their own businesses. I just laughed and rolled my eyes - thinking that I’ve only been here 6 months..where were all these ideas before? Lol.

I also met with both principals this week for them to make announcements about the after school OVC program for the beginning of next term. When I was at the primary school, a couple of the teachers (who I guess live very close to me at the clinic) said they wanted to start exercising and wanted some tips from me. I told them to stop by my house any time and I’d show them some things. Well alas, last night when I was right in the middle of making carrot curry for Christine, Dinah and John, they showed up. This is one of the things I find funny about Namibians. Any American would see that they have walked in on me being very busy and getting ready for dinner. It was rather obvious - things on the stove, candles on the table (yes, candles..you can take the gay boy out of the city but that doesn’t mean I can entertain to the best of my ability in the village!)…so they came in and I’m stirring the potatoes and explaining to the what is going on and can I talk to them tomorrow or the week I get back. ‘NO’ would not be accepted, as an answer. They kept insisting on me showing them some things RIGHT THEN so they could start exercising. I turned the food down and showed them how to do crunches, knee to elbow sit-ups and leg lifts for the lower abs. It was just funny.

Dinner ended up being a great success - ya see, it’s the first time I’ve cooked on Thursday night. I have no excuse but fear for why I hadn’t participated yet. Guess I feel I am not a good cook and was worried they would show up for a good meal and be disappointed - they were not! Dinah was going off on how much space I had because her and John’s is so small. Overall, a fantastic night of food and conversation and I’m excited about the next time I get to have them down.

Today I begin my trek to Windhoek for my medical and dental check up. I’m not taking my computer, so journaling will be by hand until I return. I’m going to make it to Rundu today, Okahandja on Sat and then Wind by Sun. It’s funny timing-wise because just this past week I was flossing and had some pain between two back teeth. That was when I noticed that one tooth is loose. I would not want to be here in the village with a serious toothache, so hopefully the dentist can nip this in the bud. Unfortunately that probably means I will have to stay a few extra days. We’ll see.

Saturday, July 26 - Sunday, August 3:

So Friday I got a hike with Dinah and john to rundu. I was planning on staying at Patricks and had ‘booked’ a night with him a week before. He told me he was going to be away but he would tell Molly, the new crisis corp volunteer would be there so no problem. I arrived early, dropped off my bags (she wasn’t around so I hid them) and went to meet Rachel for dinner. She was transferred from her site to our area because she was attacked at hers.

After dinner I started texting molly to find out if she was home before I walked the 30 minutes back to patricks. At 830 when I hadn’t heard, I assumed something was wrong with the phone so I headed there anyways. I arrived to a dark house, knocked, no answer and got in the hammock to chill while I waited for her. I fell asleep and woke up around midnight. Knocked again, still no response. So what is a pc volunteer to do??? Sleep on the ground outside. That’s what I did.

The next morning, I was awakened to the flushing of the toilet INSIDE the house. I knocked and low and behold, Molly answered. She ahd been there the whole night but never heard me knock or speak her name, lol. TIN!

Saturday morning, after waiting 3 hours, I ended up getting a free hike all the way to okahandja to Ruth’s front door. I hung out with her which was awesome. She is our ‘grandmother’ of the group – she is 70. Sunday, I got up to catch a hike to Windhoek. I found one right away but they were going to a house first then would pick me up in town. They drove right by me the bastards and left me hanging – it’s very typical. So I headed to the road and caught a free hike with the regional counselor from Mariental who had just left Swakopmund.

The first thing I did was drop my bag and head to the mall where I walked to the theater and discovered Sex and The City was playing in 10 minutes!!! The movie was cute but a tad over the top. When finished, I began texting some of the gay guys I had met via my blog who had offered me dinner and places to crash. I connected with roelof a 55 year old spanierd who has lived here for 26 years. We had a great dinner and conversation and then I crashed at his place. MISTAKE!!! Lol, he has this old chiming clock that is broken and LOUD and every hour goes off like 15 times!!!! Unfortunately I left my ear plugs at ruths and so I didn’t get much sleep that night.

So on Monday I started catching up with other volunteers as they arrived for their medical. I also had planned on meeting up with Chico, another guy who lives in Windhoek that I had met online. I went to see The Dark Knight, the new Batman movie with Jeff and Lily and it rocked. It is by far the best thing I’ve seen all year - American standards, not Namibia, lol. Spent some of the day just wandering around and doing a little shopping - I bought a wok! That night I met up with Chico, had a quick bite and then crashed at his place - since I still wasn’t checked into the lodge. I have to say, after 9 months of no sex, it was really nice to lay in bed next to someone. It’s amazing how good that simple gesture feels and how much I have missed it. Course, it made me miss Mark that much more. One of my most favorite things was curling up next to him - especially on a cold winter’s night and falling to sleep with his scent in my face.

Tuesday I hung around the PC office and lounge. I gave Linda a copy of the Rukwangali text book that I’ve been working on and she and Edward were very impressed. It felt good to see all my hard work printed out and in my hand. I still have to get a few copies to Magreth and Anna Marie for some last minute proofing but otherwise, it looks damn good.

Later that day I checked into my room and then a bunch of us went to Jeff’s and ordered Taal and had it delivered. It of course was good, but I think I’m actually preferring Ben’s curry more. Chico was actually going to come over and spend the night with me, but our wires got crossed and it didn’t happen. Just as well.

Wednesday I reported to the med office to start all of that business. They whisked me off to the dentist only to discover my appt. was the next day, so they brought me back. Let me backtrack by saying that I was suppose to meet with the PCMO before my dentist but she moved my appt. til after. So upon returning from the dentist, I had a few hours to kill. I went and purchased the sewing machine for the Veronica and Berta. I then returned to the office only to find they decided to push my appt. til the next day. Such is PC life. BE FLEXIBLE! Lol.

That night, Chico came over and yes, well, um…I had sex. Sex for the first time in 9 months. It was very weird. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex. A lot actually. But there was something different about this. I’m not sure if it’s because it’s been so long. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve gone through so much in the past 9 months, but…I didn’t enjoy it. It felt vacant and weird. I felt like I was going through motions but not experiencing any sensation. It dawned on me when it was all over that I’ve what was missing was the emotional component. Now…I’ve had a lot of sex and a lot of the time I left that part out on purpose. Basically I was just getting off and I always thought that was okay with me. I’ve realized now though that without it, I feel empty. Oddly enough, there was also a little guilt. I kept trying to figure out where that was coming from. I mean, Mark and I are not together. There is no commitment there currently cause frankly, I wouldn’t ask that of him…not with me 9000 miles away. It’s just not fair. But yes, I felt like I had ‘cheated’ on him. In the 5 years that we were together, during the times that we had split up and I was with other guys, I never felt that. This time I did. It was strange.

I’ve struggled my entire adult life with the concept of monogamy. Wondering whether it was something that really worked for me or whether it was some archaic religious concept. I’m starting to believe that maybe I am built that way after all. That I do want to find that one person to connect with. That one person who understands me. Accepts me. Challenges, loves, supports and excites me. Yeah…I think I do want that. I wonder sometimes if that person is Mark. Our relationship was never perfect but it had some really wonderful stuff in it. I know the part I played in not allowing it to be better than it was. In our conversations since I’ve been here, he has shared his feelings about his role in it as well. A huge part of me hopes that when I return to Cincy, we can address the ‘us’ again and see what happens. Is that selfish of me? Or romantic? Lol

Thursday I had all my medical appts. No cavities and the teeth are fine but I kinda have high blood pressure. It’s nothing to be worried about. The doc just wants me to cut out salt from my diet and then retest me in a few months. I never really paid attention to my intake of it. I think I ingest MUCH more than I should be. God I feel old. That night we all went out for all you can eat pizza and then I crashed. Thursday was also my father’s 80th birthday but I was unable to get ahold of him. My uncle Von had to have a triple bypass so my dad had travelled to Kentucky to see him. 80, damn. He’s like the energizer bunny - he just keeps going and going and going. I was able to email him a little birthday video so I hope he got to at least see that.

Friday, after breakfast, I began the daunting task of hiking back to site. I stood on the side of the highway for 3 hours before someone picked me up. They gave me a ride as far as Grootfontein. It was in a BMW so it never dawned on me that I was going to be charged. When he asked for money, I just shrugged, showed him my empty wallet and said I was sorry, lol. I tried for 6 hours to get a hike out of there to get to Rundu and nothing was working out. I then started to get worried wondering where I was going to lay my head that night. The ‘victim’ mentality sprung up and I was cursing PC, lol. I then called Peter, the nephew of my host father when I lived in Groot. He was not home, but called me back to say that he had made arrangements with his neighbor to have them let me in his flat so I could sleep safely tonight AND he had a taxi on their way to pick me up. Damn, the people of this country are amazingly generous! I went into the petrol station to pick up something to eat for dinner and on the way out, ran into someone going to Rundu, so I caught a ride with them. A very COLD ride in the back of a truck. The trade off was that it was a gorgeous night and I got to stare at the stars for a few hours.

I went straight to Patrick’s and crashed.

Yesterday, I waited a good 3 hours before catching a ride to Nkurenkuru. A rough ride at that. The driver was morbidly obese - which, trust me, it’s very difficult to find that in Namibia culture, I mean, hell, most people don’t eat that much. He drank tumbo (the traditional alcohol) the entire drive and stopped so frequently that I felt I could have walked faster. I arrived and it was nice to see Sarah and sort of be back home. Actually, I couldn’t WAIT to get back to my site. My bed, etc. This place really is beginning to feel like home to me. What a change from when I first arrived, eh?

It was Ben’s birthday, so he was cooking curry. Sarah made an amazing chocolate cake and I made pea and potato samosas. So much food went into my belly it was ridiculous. We then played Moosopoly. Not Monopoly. Moosopoly. Scot, Lindsey and Sarah had spent an entire day make a Namibia version of Monopoly on the back of a reg. monopoly board! It was fantastic and included MY HOUSE!!!! It was an awesome night of music, laughter and fellowship.

Today, I began watching the second season of Heroes (I snagged a lot of movies while in Windhoek), and then headed home. God it was good to arrive in Mpungu in one piece. How nice to walk into my house, take a shower, put my stuff away and just sit. I’m home….I’m home.

Monday, June 2 - Tuesday, June 3:

The last two days have been fairly uneventful. Going through the normal daily routines. Working part of the day in my office, heading home for lunch, then going back to my office to play hearts - yes, hearts. My new favorite game on the computer. I did go to the school today to make copies of posters for the assistant for the OVC program. As usual I had to butter up the secretary to make the copies and then have a meeting with the principal about hanging the posters. The biggest problem I still have here in the PC is the boredom. It’s the one thing they don’t tell you in the application process, lol. IF YOU ARE A PEACE CORPS. VOLUNTEER YOU WILL HAVE TONS OF DOWNTIME WITH NOTHING TO FILL IT!

Wednesday, June 4 - Sunday, June 8:

This past week has been a blur. Not a blur in the sense that I was busy as hell or anything…no, not that. Just a blur as in it went very fast and there wasn’t a lot for me to do. Most of the people I work with were wrapped up in the UMYA workshop, so things like English club and other meetings were cancelled. I did a little of this and a little of that. I did pass out a few applications for assistants for the OVC program and have gotten some positive applicants. I’m excited about that process.

Sarah arrived Friday evening and we’ve done nothing but chill out and watch movies all weekend. We did go on a minor hike yesterday but that was about it. I’m very slowly getting used to the idea of ‘doing nothing’. It’s a real issue of mine to always feel like I have to be ‘being productive’. I really need to learn to be okay with NOT doing it. I also was able to get my joystick working with my Nintendo program on the computer and have been playing Donkey Kong Country a lot. Oh and we took some more photos for the naked PCV calendar. We added ‘naked cooking’, ‘naked watching movies’ and ‘naked reading in the hammock’ to our collection. I hope one day we end up on Oprah because of this! lol

Monday, June 9 - Wednesday, June 11:

The days are beginning to fold into one another. I have fallen completely into a routine and well, in the states, I hated routines. I’m not sure exactly what to do about it. Also, it seems that both my supervisor AND the community counselor who is my counterpart AND my translator for all my meetings…are both trying to get jobs outside of Mpungu. My supervisor has a good reason. His wife died last September and his house and children are in Rundu. He has been trying to get there since last fall. I have a feeling he will be leaving very soon.

The counselor is leaving, I feel, because he has messed up too many times with confidentiality. There have been a lot of people coming to the clinic complaining about him getting drunk in the shebeens and talking about people’s HIV status. I think I’m mentioned this before. This is a serious problem cause stigma is what I’m trying to eliminate while I’m here. I think we’d be better off without him but if he leaves AND my super leaves…I’m not sure what I’m gonna do as a volunteer. I really rely on the one for translating and the other one to help organize community meetings. I’m not exactly sure what the next few months are going to hold for me here.

Tonight I just finished watching ‘The Kite Runner’ which was a beautiful movie…now of course I want to read the book. It made me miss Naz and Zizi a great deal…Zizi always calls me Chazzy jan. The movie made me cry but then again, I’ve always been a softy for emotional flicks.

I’m still debating on going to Nkurenkuru this weekend. Sarah isn’t there, she has headed to Windhoek for a Diversity meeting and then on the 17th she flies to the states for 10 days. I am so envious of her…it would be great to see my friends again and at the same time, would probably be hard for me to leave and come back here. I continue to have faith that there is a reason I’m here even if it’s just planting seeds. I’m really learning to let go of ‘immediate gratification’ and am trying to continually see the bigger picture. I’ve also gotten pretty good at not comparing myself to others…in the sense of what I’m doing in Mpungu compared to what others are doing elsewhere. Peace Corps. is a cultural exchange and if I make a difference in just one person’s life in the 2 years I’m here…then it was worth the two year commitment. I keep repeating that in my head.

Thursday, June 12 - Sunday, June 15:

Thursday came and went with Friday having me wonder about whether to hike to Nkurenkuru to do some grocery shopping. I finally decided to do just that AND to take Efuta with me. I got to the hike point and there were a handful of other people who had been waiting for about 2 hours. Then school let out and all of a sudden there were - no lie - about 55 people all waiting for rides. It took another 2 hours for me to finally get out of here. I spent the rest of the day chillin out, doing some grocery shopping and then I crashed watching a movie. I thought I was in for the night when Lindsey called to say the kid who had stolen from them before, tried to break in JUST THEN! She wanted me to help them go find him.

So here are 4 white people with sticks, tredging through the bush (the actual bush) with only the moonlight to guide us…trying to find this thief. That excitement aside…for some reason, the moment for Alex and I to bond decided to unfold itself THEN! He and I just haven’t meshed since I arrived in Mpungu and I always thought it was me. Something clicked. I can’t even put my finger on just what it was. But we were talking and sharing and BONDING!! Oh, we didn’t find the kid but it was fun enough to keep Lindsey from heading to his house and burning down his hut. Talk about cultural integration!

Saturday I hung out a bit in the morning and then around noon went over to play Monopoly with the gang. I was actually doing really well when we were asked if we wanted to go to Katitwi - the border town of Angola - about 45 minutes away. Sure, why not. This was 2 pm. We all said we didn’t really want to stay that late and I of course didn’t want to leave Efuta locked in the bathroom that long. So we decided only to hang out a few hours. We left Katitwi at 9:30 pm.

The night was fun, but I had told them earlier that I wasn’t going to drink - that way, if for some reason the actual driver of the vehicle that gave us a ride decided to get wasted, then I could do the ‘illegal for PC but responsible’ thing…and drive us back. Fortunately it didn’t get to that point. Beer was cheap though and they definitely put them away. I danced a bit, shot some pool and people watched. As it was getting late, it was also getting VERY cold. The nights are VERY cold now because of winter. So the ride back was freezing! Where are my mittens when I need them??

I hiked back early today because I wanted to practice the guitar. I had a package waiting for me at Sarah’s that contained a ‘how-to’ book and TONS of yarn from my friend Doug. Thanks man! I practiced for about 90 minutes today and think I am going to LOVE learning to play this instrument. I definitely have the ‘time’ to learn it. I received a call from my friend Joel - always good to hear from him. I made lentil burgers for dinner and gave my dad a call for Father’s Day. It’s been a good week.

Monday, June 16 - Monday, June 23:

Have I mentioned how the days are seeming to roll by more quickly? It’s probably due to the fact that I have settled into a sort of routine. This was to be a short week anyways, cause I was leaving Thursday with the kids from the school for the EWA conference. I worked on a few things in my office, some stuff at the clinic and then stuck around Wednesday evening for John’s B-day dinner.

Thursday the bus left around 8:15 am and after stopping at several schools along the way, finally arrived in Rundu around noon. It was long and dusty but the kids seemed pumped. I think that’s what I miss by not being in a teaching position…being with kids all day. We arrived much earlier than anticipated, so we played games with the kids during the afternoon while waiting on those from the east side. Ashley and Thea from Caprivi and Chris from Divundu came in so it was good to catch up with them.

I spent some time at the PC office to shoot off some emails and do a little research. I also had some mail there and upon reading the current newsletter, discovered the one funding source I was going to use for my theater equipment, has been cancelled for the rest of the year. Now I know I have mentioned how I keep running into walls and am somewhat disillusioned about PC life…but I mean, come on! Why does everything have to be so hard? I knew it wouldn’t be a cake walk when I joined, but hell, I am here to help people…if things were a little less difficult, I could accomplish much more.

The conference technically began on Friday and everything was running fine. Actually, everything ran fine the entire weekend except for a few small glitches here and there - as is the case with most things in this country. I helped out with some sex education stuff and HIV related talks. I realized once again, how much fear I have being in front of people. You would think it wouldn’t be the case with teenagers, but yes, the stage fright is still here. I didn’t speak in front of the large group, instead gave my two cents in smaller groups. That fear is something I definitely have to get over.

Friday night a bunch of us had dinner at Omashari…pizza man, good pizza. Saturday was great. You could see the kids bonding more and really opening up with questions. The students that were chosen to attend the workshop are the brightest kids from the school and that was apparent. They were all well-behaved and eager to learn. For lunch I took Thea to the open market. BAD mistake on my part. I don’t know for sure if it’s what I had to eat or that I just shook too many hands that day and didn’t wash up, but Saturday night I awoke around 11 pm with the WORST case of exploding diarrhea since entering the country. WORSE, mind you, then the episode on Grootfontain during CBT. I also was nauseas that throwing up. To add injury to insult, I wasn’t in my own home and there were 4 of us crashing together. So I was desperately trying to be as quiet as possible. NEVER gonna happen, lol. Every half hour, I was up, with something come out of somewhere.

Sunday I was worn out. Dehydrated. Weak. I was NOT looking forward to a 4 hour bus ride back to site. I drank plenty of water and sprite and tried to keep myself together. By the time we took off around 3, I felt I would make it without any accidents. I was right! I made it back to site around 7, unpacked all the groceries I bought, put away clothes, picked up Efuta, took a shower and settled in for a movie. Speaking of movies…Patrick informed me that this week he will be picking up the 4th season of LOST!!! OMG!!! I can’t wait to surprise Sarah with that. She will be back in 2 weeks, around the time of the 4th of July celebration at the Bavaria. That will be a total blast!

Tuesday, June 24 - Friday, June 27:

Monday was fairly uneventful. I prepared my English lesson for Thursday because Tuesday and Wednesday I was going to be helping the clinic with National Immunization Days. I did email Eyes on Africa Foundation…an organization that is fairly new - I got the info from Justin during EWA. I feel like I keep running into so many brick walls as far as funding for things. I was really hoping this one would pay off.

Tuesday was very busy in the morning. I helped monitor how many kids came for immunization. We saw close to 200 kids in the first few hours. It was sort of funny. No shots were given. The polio vaccine and Vitamin A were given orally. Most of the kids were crying and screaming and the nurse just grabbed the kids head, held it back, forced the mouth open and dropped the medicine in. It was very rough and there was no coddling involved. It made me laugh a little thinking about doctors in the US ga-ga-ing and goo-goo-ing to get the kids to behave.

Wednesday we didn’t see that many kids so I worked on demolition for a bit, then worked from my flat. I checked email and to my surprise, Jeff from EOAF had written me back and very enthusiastically asked me to submit all the proposals I had. I sent him ones for the AFHS corner and the theater equipment. I thought maybe the garden proposal was too much money.

Thursday Jeff wrote back and asked for the garden prop! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that they will be able to help me with this. I also had scheduled a meeting with all the groups to get the garden clearing back on track and to discuss some other things. It was scheduled for 9, the few that did come, showed up around 10. It’s always the same few, dedicated ones that show up to everything and yet the others who never come, gripe and moan about things not getting done quicker, lol. I held the meeting and it was successful. I’m hoping from this point forward we can be more organized. Dinner with the teachers was good. Now that I feel more bonded with Alex and Christine, it makes hanging out all the better. I realize that they were just as insecure about hanging out with me as I was with them. Once we were past that, it’s smooth sailing.

Today we worked on demolition for a few hours, then I knocked off around 11. I’ve played video games, watched movies, exercised and worked on the Rukwangali dictionary. It’s now about 7 and I’m getting ready to eat and curl up with a movie. I still don’t like feeling lonely…being here in Namibia…in Mpungu all by myself. BUT…I’m working through it.

Saturday, June 28 - Sunday, June 29:

This past weekend has been very lonely. 4 weeks now with Sarah being away. That’s me with nothing to do on the weekends. Do I find myself with things to do? Sure. I can watch movies, read, go for a hike, play hearts on the computer, etc. I just don’t like it. It’s not about NOT being able to handle it. It’s just the fact that I DON’T LIKE IT! It’s not even about having nothing to do but think. I’ve gotten used to ‘thinking’ about things. I feel like that’s all I do and have done.

Next week marks 6 months at site. That’s the amount of time I promised I would give myself to ‘settle’ in. Well…I feel like I’ve ‘settled in’ I just don’t know if I am happy. I realized something else the other day. This one is a little hard to admit. One of the reasons I joined the PC was to be able to say, ‘I spent 2 years in the PC’, so that I could get attention from it. So that people would look at me and think ‘wow, this guy is something…he did the PC’. With that acknowledgement, I began to think of how many things I’ve done or do JUST to get attention. I discovered quite a lot. To the point where I think it’s so ingrained that I wonder how much of myself actually gets out.

I find it interesting that I spend the majority of my life being aloof, so as not to get close to people because I fear what they really might think of me and the other part of my life doing things to get attention from the people that I’m not wanting to get close to. What the F? I mean, seriously. What the F is wrong with me? But more importantly, now that I’ve had this light bulb realization, how do I go about changing it? If I have spent the majority of my life fearing what people think and yet craving attention at the same time…how the hell does one turn that around? How does one become completely comfortable in one’s own skin to where he doesn’t care what people think? If I get to that point - where I don’t care - then I believe I will be happy. Completely happy. Cause if I am not caring what people really think about me, then I won’t be afraid to get close to them. If I am not caring what people think about me, then I won’t live my life trying to get attention. This will free up so much of my time and give me back ‘my life’.

Seriously…where does something like this originate? Sure, I can go back to school and say I had it rough and people picked on me which caused me to be insecure which led me to not wanting to be close to people because I assumed everyone would think I was a geek, a wimp, a pussy, a loser. Thinking about school, I remember during my senior year, that our Senior Memories book or something like that was put out. I read in there that in 2nd grade (that’s the year I transferred to Jonesville), that I became the heartthrob. Heartthrob?? ME?!?!? That means, that at that time, I was on the precipice of something. I could have gone on from there to be one of the popular kids. One who was well liked. So what happened? Where did the shift from ‘heartthrob’ to ‘geek being pushed around the locker room’? Was there some pivotal moment in my elementary school experience where instead of going down the ‘cool’ path I chose a different one and therefore sealed my fate? How different would my life be, my self-confidence, my overall attitude about myself be if I had remained on that one road.

On top of that, say something did happen. Say I get in touch with what happened. Does that mean all of a sudden my life will turn around? I will be completely different? Or does all this realization just mean that I have THAT much more work to do on myself to change these behaviors that no longer work for me? Do you ever get tired of working on yourself? I know I do.

Monday, June 30:

Today is Shelly’s birthday and I’ve been wondering all day if she received my package I sent with Sarah. I thought if she had, I’d have heard from her by now.

In this place, I am constantly reminded how lucky I am to be American. How lucky I am to be white. How lucky I was to be born to good parents. How lucky I am to have an education. How lucky I am……(fill in the blank with a thousand possible answers). How does one consciously balance that feeling of luckiness with all the misery, hopelessness and poverty that exists in the world? I know I’m being a tad dramatic, but… Really…how is it possible for me - with all that I am blessed with - mainly just because of circumstance and the color of my skin - how am I supposed to accept all that comes my way - having lived in a place where people have nothing? How does one wrap their minds around it in order to continue through life feeling good about oneself? Must I give up everything like Mother Theresa in order to make things even? Can I have a good, comfortable, successful, bountiful life after leaving here? Can I consciously do that without always struggling with justification? Forgive me for waxing poetic or should I say forgive me for my pseudo-spiritual rant. I am just looking for answers. Answers that may not exist for me.

Thursday, May 1 - Monday, May 5:

I had stuck around Mpungu instead of heading to Nkurenkuru on Wednesday because everyone in English club said they didn’t want to go so long without class. They did decide to move class to 9, instead of 11 so I could get out a little earlier. Well, only 1 person showed up at 9. I was kinda pissed, but then again, that’s Namibia. I went ahead and taught the class because the one student had walked 10k to be there. I then grabbed my stuff, headed to the hike point, and made my way to Sarah’s.

Coleen and Juice were there, so it was good to hang with them a bit, and then Sarah and I headed to Rundu. We were surprised to find some of the Caprivi kids there as well. We hung out that night, had a great dinner which included banana’s Foster, lol, and played poker - which I am NOT good at. Friday morning Sarah and I started hiking which included me witnessing a stray dog getting hit and thrown by a car. It was gross, laying there with it’s tail still wagging. Then I got to see some locals remove it from the highway and haul it off to their hut - I won’t guess as to what they were going to do with it. Affter about 10 hours - ALL FREE mind you - we arrived in Windhoek. The hike there included a ride with two Namibian teacher’s in their soccer van, a short stint in a semi-truck, a ride with an Afrikaaner with Zebra steaks in a cooler in the back seat, then a ride with a Ministry of Health worker.

We arrived and checked into the Cardboard Box, a backpacker’s hostel. I have never stayed in a hostel and now I’m a huge fan! It was only N$75 a night which included breakfast. We caught up with Izziza, Amanda and Mariko (a Kenyan volunteer who transferred here when all of them were evacuated) and went out to dinner at Taal, the Indian place. Saturday, was spent hangin’ out in the city with people slowly arriving. We spent time at the mall - I was getting quotes for my theater project. We found out there was a reggae concert at the Warehouse, so tickets were purchased. Then it was back to the hostel as more 27ers arrived and ‘catching up’ ensued. A handful of us headed to an Ethiopian restaurant for dinner, only to find it closed. We then had Italian at Sardinia’s. It was by far, the best pizza I have had in the country - then it was off to the concert.

The music was amazing (and loud) and of course the club was very smoky - all kinds of smoky. My eyes were aching by midnight and I was ready to go. Some of us headed back, while others hung out till very late. I’m WAY too old to stay out THAT late. On Sunday, we slept in a bit, had breakfast, then while the girls took Izziza to the airport, Mariko and I headed into town for more quotes and some tahini.

Afterwards, we picked up all our clothes (after having washed then in a REAL coin operated washing machine) and got a cab to the PC office. SCORE! Most of the 27ers had shown up and it was great seeing them all again. We were then shuffled to Greiter’s, this amazing lodge on a hill outside the city that has the most beautiful views of the mountains. The air and silence is wonderful. We had dinner and then I crashed around 9.

Today is the first day of training which is good and bad. Long days, but useful information. More catching up. I got my 2nd Hep A shot and was supposed to get a flu shot but got out of it. I never get sick - like that kind of sick - and I don’t want a shot of something that could make me feel bad. The day is almost over and I want to chill out and watch the sky. I also did yoga this morning as the sun came up over the mountain top - fantastic!

Tuesday, May 6:

Last night we did an exercise were many different feeling statements - ie. not sure, disillusioned, life is great, etc. - were placed around the room and we had to stand by how we felt after 4 months at site. I stood directly between ‘not sure’ and ‘counting the days’. My reasoning is all the things I’ve already talked about but it was nice to share those thoughts with other people feeling the same way. After sharing with other PCVS, the one common link was the realization that Peace Corps is a job. Yes, we don’t get paid a lot and it’s not as structured as a stateside job (except for education volunteers) but basically at this point we’re all settled down into a routine. The only difference is that we are in another country. So a lot of people who are disillusioned and thinking about going home, feel like they could be doing what they are doing here - BACK in the states.

See, on the surface, and what you see in the ads for PC or what promoters of PC say - is only about 15-20% of what life is actually like. They never mentioned the arbitrary times or how you become so habituated to the things that thrilled you upon arrival. Through all of this can come a sense of boredom - even though you are in such an amazing place. It’s this reality that makes most people want to return to the states. It’s just been nice to hear everyone’s story and discover we are all in similar places.

The health people also went on a tour of a local hydrophonic garden which was great, but would be virtually impossible t reproduce in my village. We also toured a local hangout of a youth group where the kids were amazing! It makes me very excited to get back and work with the OVCs. Oh and as I was eating a piece of candy, I lost a crown on a tooth. Great! This better not mess me up for going to Swakopmund next weekend, that’s all I’m saying.

Wednesday, May 7:

Okay, so I am back to the ‘not enjoying this’ part of training. So much of what they are telling us we have either already figured out on our own or should have known before we left for site. I came to reconnect hoping it would be all about where to get money and for what. NO! I’ve received very little information about that and with limited internet at my site, it’s just going to make things take that much longer.

On top of that, we’ve started learning about project development and evaluation. I’m feeling very overwhelmed. At site I was just beginning to feel like I was finding my way…now I am back to ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’. There are all these steps and procedures that need to be performed in order to accomplish something and have it be sustainable. I believe at site I have skipped a lot of steps in order to ‘feel ‘like I was doing something. I realize that’s my issue. I am impatient. I am used to just ‘doing’ and not ‘planning’. It’s what I loved about volunteering at Caracole. They pretty much let me do what I wanted - within reason. No meetings to go through - no red tape.

I’m going to have to go back to my site and digress just a bit. Have some meetings and get a few more people on board with my projects. I am SO glad I am on vacation next week!

Thursday, May 8 - Sunday, May 11:

I think I wrote last on Wednesday or was it Tuesday? Anyways, it’s now Sunday - Mother’s Day - so I’ll try and catch everyone up. Wednesday is escaping me, so I’ll start with Thursday.

We had 2 different guest speakers. One was a guy who preaches abstinence across Namibia and doesn’t believe in promoting condom use. I thought I was going to dislike him but he made me see a different side of the HIV fight. I disagreed with his philosophy and approach in regards to women, but the info about how condom promotion isn’t working that well, made sense. I’m still gonna offer condoms to young people, but there are other alternatives as well.

We then heard from an American who talked to us about proposal writing. He was loud, egotistical and a showoff and though I partly agree that we should try and get money for projects from wherever we can, he ended up being poorly received. Most PCVs did not like him at all. It definitely made me look at getting money differently. A part f me wants to find money wherever I can to accomplish the projects I’m doing, but I also have to learn how to make things sustainable.

All that said - I AM IN SWAKOP NOW NOW!!! This place is amazing! It’s cold and foggy and the water is great and there are paved roads and tons of stores and houses along the beach and pizza shops…OMG! I’m on a real vacation. It’s fantastic the amount of diversity in culture, people, topography, etc. that exists in this country. It’s equally as strange to know that here there is all this money and million dollar homes and back in my village there are people not eating. How do I justify or balance this in my head? How do I allow myself to enjoy thai food tomorrow for dinner knowing the people who are becoming my friends in Mpungu will never enjoy a meal like that? I still don’t know how to do this.

Monday, May 12 (9:00 am on the beach):

How is it that I have never lived by the ocean? It calms and centers me like nothing else. Is it that powerful for everyone? I wonder. I think about the people in my village who have never seen the ocean - not even a picture of it. What would their experience be like the first time they stepped foot in the wet sand? To go a level deeper - why is it that I get to have this experience and so many other’s don’t? What in the universe lined up allowing me to have the life I do when I know people who are living in stick huts with no water or food? Is that fair? Is it karma? Is it luck of the draw? It makes me question the existence of God. Not in the sense that there isn’t a source of love and light existing outside our realm of consciousness, but more so the ‘idea’ of God that most people cling to and many religions idolize. If there was actually a man - a white, English speaking man, lol - sitting in some far away heaven watching every little thing that goes on here - every second of every day - how would or could he live with himself - witnessing all that goes on? Does he have a mind and consciousness that sees a bigger picture that I am incapable of comprehending? Or is the idea of God as a ‘being’ a fallacy created by man for a system of control? Sitting here watching the pounding surf I have no doubt of a presence…of an energy all around me. But to believe that an individual sits ruler over all I see just seems ridiculous and on that note…wouldn’t God, if in reality was some type of supernatural entity, be bored as hell?

Tuesday, May 13 - Thursday, May 15:

What an insane past 3 days. We got up early Tuesday morning to hike to Walvis Bay to go kayaking. It was fantastic! So many seals that would come right up to the kayaks and play with our oars. They were so cute. I saw a lot of dolphins but they weren’t being as playful so they kept their distance. Our guide was super cool and also fed us lunch. Afterwards, Sarah and I wandered around the twon a bit then caught a hike back to Swakopmund. We separated to do our own thing a bit and I lost my ATM card in a BOB machine. I must have transposed some numbers entering my password and when you do that more than 3 times, the machine keeps it. So I went to the FNB where a somewhat cute Afrikaaner guy who used to play rugby for South Africa but is now in a wheelchair due to a quad bike accident, tried to help me. Alas, since I did not have my passport, he could not. Also, my debit card from the states wasn’t working, so if Sarah wasn’t with me, I could have been a little freaked out about how I was going to make it back to site.

I was gonna go to the movies but got a call from Dave which was great cause I hadn’t talked to him in awhile. We then were going to have dinner with Obie and is wife but they were busy. So w went to a bar called FAGINS (NOT a gay bar, lol), then headed home.

Wednesday we got up early and headed to the outskirts of town to hike to Henti’s Bay. We were far away from people so I took a naked hiking picture. I think we are going to make a calendar of them. We made it to Henti’s which is a small fishing town and had lunch. The beach and surf were beautiful. We then got a hike to the road to take us to Uis - pronounced Weec. The place where the truck dropped us was literally in the middle of nowhere and what do you do in the middle of nowhere? Take more naked pics of course! After about 45 minutes we caught a hike with a safari group of French tourists going to see the ‘white lady’ (we’re still not sure exactly what that is). We made it to Uis which looks like a town out of ‘The Hills Have Eyes’. Seriously! After getting something to drink and eat and convincing a drunk man that my tattoos did NOT mean I like hanging out with people who do drugs, we caught a hike to Khorixas. The landscaping was breathtaking and we saw a group of ostriches.

We met up with Jill and Jessica, played Boggle, ate lentil burgers, then crashed. This morning we headed out to the hike point early and had just bargained with a taxi to get us to Outjo for 40 each when we caught a free hike with an English couple. There were fun to talk to. In Outjo we got some bread at a little German bakery that has the ‘poshest’ bathrooms in the entire country. We caught a ride to Otjiworongo - yes, another free one - and then sat in the hot sun there for about 90 minutes before catching a lift to Otavi. There, we caught a ride with a guy from Hamburg, Germany who lives here now and is actually the creator/distributor of MOSSI mosquito nets. He was a pretty funny guy. He took us as far as Groot. We had planned on crashing there for the night, but quickly caught a ride to Rundu with some PEPFAR Government officials. We’ve pretty much travelled over 1500k in the last 2 weeks and it’s only cost us about N$100 each (that’s 10 bucks US). How is it I never hitchhiked in the states???? I’m glad to be back in the north and to have a nice mattress to sleep on! I’ll be home by Saturday since SNL are having a braai tomorrow night. Whew! Long few weeks!

Friday, May 16 - Sunday, May 18:

Got up early, walked to the TRC to get my yarn and ‘seeds’ from Thea, came back and got Sarah and headed to Red Cross, had a meeting, went grocery shopping and then hooked us a ride. The ride was typical Namibian style. 11 people packed into a combi with all their shit and of course the guy lied to us. We asked if he was leaving right then and he said yes, but that translated into us waiting in the van until it filled up completely which was about an hour later. The problem is that if you change your mind, get tired of waiting, it’s almost too late because your stuff is loaded on the roof with everyone else’s and disembarking only means those people have to wait that much longer.

We arrived - covered in dush - at Sarah’s place and chilled the rest of the day. I had 5 packages waiting at the post. 5! Everytime I have a package it feels like Christmas - SERIOUSLY! - so you can imagine what 5 felt like. I got something from Mark, my cousin Mia, my friends at Caracole, Russ and a guy I don’t even know - just chatted with briefly online one day. They were ALL amazing and Bob and the Caracole crew outdid themselves with over 75 movies! I introduced Sarah to ‘Dead Like Me’ but it didn’t catch, so we watched ‘Boy’s on the Side’ and crashed.

Saturday we slept in, watched some ‘Six Feet Under’, took an hours walk by the river, had some lunch, I did some laundry and then headed to SNL’s for the braai. It was for Alex’s girlfriend who was visiting from the states and most of the Kavango 26ers were there - including many VSOs - including the one who picked us up in Windhoek when we were looking for the gay bar that one night. This country is SO small. The night was great and turned into a dance party with music by a dj called ‘girl talk’. Sarah and I left around 10:30 and crashed watching some movies. Today I will head back to site. I am excited to be returning home and to see Efuta. I am recharged from the past 2 weeks and want to hit the ground running. Or at least at something slightly faster than a leisurely pace.

Monday, May 19 - Tuesday, May 20:

I arrived in on Sunday afternoon, with all my shit and unpacked. It was great to see Efuta - he got so big in just 2 weeks! Monday I spent in my office, sending some emails, starting some proposals and basically getting ultra-organized. I wanted to meet with Lyambezi but he was busy the whole day. I worked up until 4 then headed home to hang.

Today I put some time in on the demolition, sat in on a staff meeting (where I had a lot of points to bring up and they were well received), then worked from my house the rest of the day. Lyambezi still could not meet with me today and left for a funeral - he won’t be back until Monday. I have SO much I need to talk to him about and he seems to be avoiding me. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but he is always telling me of a position he has applied for in another town - usually Rundu. I have this feeling is going to be leaving soon and I’m not sure where that puts me in regards to PC. I don’t know if I HAVE to have a supervisor or not. I’d rather not. I can run things by other people, including members of the VDC and the headman. I just hope he gets me a stove before he leaves! Tonight I’m going to do yoga, hang with Karel and watch a movie and then read a bit.

Wednesday, May 21 - Thursday, May 22:

Wednesday I had decided to have an initial meeting with the OVCs to get the ball rolling on an after school program. When I had had my first meeting the week before I headed to reconnect, 12 children showed up. I was thinking there would be a few more but not much. Well…227 showed up! I was NOT expecting that. They ranged in age from 7-23. I should have told Fanual to have a cut off age around 17-18 when he made the announcement - that was my mistake.

So it took about 90 minutes to take everyone’s information and there was really no reason to have a meeting with that many kids. I introduced myself to them and what I had in mind but told them I would have to set an age limit and then probably split the remainder into 2 groups that meet on different days. On the spot, I decided that I could have an application process for assistants from the older ones to help me with the 2 groups - so they don’t all feel left out in some way.

Afterwards, I had a talk with Fanuel about how things are going. He informed me that ELCIN - which is the home based health care group - no longer wants to be a part of our garden. This is upsetting to me because the garden was THEIR initial project. I have done my best to make sure they are invited to every meeting and that they were represented on the garden committee. So I don’t know what is going on there and I have to find out. If they pull out, I’m not sure where most of our funding for seeds and such will come from.

Today was going to be English and then a garden committee meeting to discuss the current situation with the garden. Once again, only 1 person showed up for English and only 1 person on the garden committee showed up. I should be used to this by now but the frustration is getting the best of me. There is a part of me that needs to feel like something is DONE or close to being DONE. I don’t have the patience to wait and wait and wait. I realize this is completely my issue but I feel like I’ve been flailing for 5 months now and with nothing concrete for me to work from, I just keep flailing. I know I’ll grow from this and become more patient - it all just adds to my feelings of ‘what the hell am I doing’?. Yes, I’m still wondering that after 5 months!

Friday, May 23 - Saturday, May 24:

Friday was fairly uneventful with me mainly working on the Rukwangali textbook and hanging out at my house. I had tried to meet with Lyambezi all week and today I snagged him for a few minutes. JUST a few, because he was on his way out of town AGAIN. He is SO not into being here. I got a call from Risto that he was coming on Sunday so I should make preparations for the workshop to begin on Monday. NO! I told him. Until I see his face in Mpungu, I’m not doing ANYTHING.

I got up this morning, hung out at the house, did laundry, watched some movies, etc. Pretty boring actually. I decided to walk to the school and check with the principal if the room was still available for the workshop - he was not around. I stopped by and chatted with the pastor to let him know what was up. He seem equally as irritated with Risto. He also gave me a little incite into the ELCIN problem with the garden. Seems they want to do their OWN garden not because of anything I’ve done but because of the lack of motivation on the part of the other participants. The pastor basically said ‘when you leave, the garden will end - no one will keep it going’. That’s fairly disheartening to hear. We hope as volunteers that what we do will be sustainable and continue on after we are gone..to hear that people within the community you are here to help know or feel it won’t even befor eit’s planted, well that’s sad.

I joined the PC because I wanted to make a difference. Because I wanted to do something on a global scale. What if I spend 2 years of my life here and nothing changes? What if after I leave, nothing continues? Is it worth my time being here for the 1 or 3 people I may affect on an individual basis? I need to believe in that, otherwise I could easily return home and continue on with my life there - doing volunteer work and seeing things accomplished. I am now faced with a different sort of decision. All along it’s been about me being comfortable here and if I discovered by July 9th that I was still miserable, to pack it up and head home. Now it’s more about whether I think anything can actually be done here. I’m keeping the faith and hoping I can motivate people in the right way.

Sunday, May 25 - Tuesday, May 27:

This morning Lyambezi decided that it was a good thing that he and I attend the church to help with the announcement of the home-based health care workshop. I told him I did not want to go, that I was not a church going kind of guy, but he said it would look better to the community if I was present - so I went. I ended up being the one who made the announcement with him translating. The remainder of the day was spent figuring out the ‘cow’ situation. It kept getting more and more complicated. They finally figured out a solution, but I have to say, I felt that the counselor - Livimba - did not make himself look good in the process.

I’ve been hearing things about him via different people but not knowing the culture that well and still trying to integrate into my community, I haven’t wanted to believe things. With everything that has happened in the past few days with the meat and the rumors and stuff, I had a long talk with Lyambezi. I think he’s pretty much decided to let the counselor go and find someone new. I have to say I agree with the decision. If the ONE person the community is supposed to trust for HIV testing is talking about people’s status and saying things behind people’s backs, it’s just not productive.

By the way, this was the first weekend I spent at my site by myself that I did NOT experience a GB Sunday! Does that mean I’m settling? Does it mean I am content?

Monday I got up early to head up to the school with the group to start the registration process and first day of the workshop. I went to get the key to conference room from the principal - whom I had just spoken to on Sunday to confirm that the room was still available. He wasn’t home. Neither was is secretary. So I talked to the inspector and he informed me that I did not have a right to use that room. That the principal did not have the authority to give me that room AND he, regardless of the predicament it caused me with the workshop beginning today, would not LET us use it. In the short amount of time I have been in the country, I have noticed one thing for sure. Everyone likes their little bit of control and NO one is flexible. PC teaches us volunteers to BE FLEXIBLE! BE FLEXIBLE! It’s like the PC National anthem or something and yet it doesn’t seem to apply to the locals that we are here to help.

So we ended up doing registration at the clinic, outside and I texted Christine to see if we could access the TRC. She said fine and so we were set. I worked in my office the rest of the day and crashed around 8:30. I’ve been going to bed earlier and earlier lately.

Tuesday, we got to the TRC to discover there was not enough chairs and the space did not have a toilet AND those attending the workshop would have to walk 20 minutes down to the clinic for lunch and then back because we couldn’t cook at the TRC. So of course, those attending were complaining about it. This kind of stuff irritates me. What would you be doing if you were not attending the workshop? Nothing. And yet the fact that you have to walk for your free food…okay, I’ll stop.

I was able to talk to the pastor of ELCIN later that day and before I even asked him, he offered up the church. Thank God! It was nice to have someone just be in the moment and offer assistance without any strings. I plan on giving him some of my own money for the offering when the workshop is over as a thank you.

I was going watch a movie with the UMYA staff but once again fell asleep around 9. I was pleasantly awakened by a phone call from Mark. It’s always great to hear from him. This call felt different though…I’m not sure exactly how or if I can put my finger on it, but there was a distance (not the physical distance) in our conversation. I don’t know what it means. Guess I’ll figure it out eventually.

Wednesday, May 28 - Sunday, June 1:

I discovered that people attending the workshop were complaining about the food. It either wasn’t what they wanted to eat or it wasn’t enough. It totally pissed me off. I mean, these people are supposed to be attending because they want to do home-based health care, NOT because they are being fed. I realize it’s a survival thing with them, but it’s still an irritation with me.

Thursday I had planned on heading to Sarah’s in the afternoon, but ended up catching a free ride around 10 am, so I hung out with her that day. It was taco night at SNL’s so dinner was awesome. We got up early Friday to head to Rundu with Suvi (a missionary from Finland who now lives in Nkurenkuru with her husband and two small children). I had a lot to accomplish while there and a short amount of time to do it.

I waited for 90 minutes at the bank to replace my BOB card, discovered the RISE program through the Ministry of Agriculture no longer existed, got some quotes for my AFHS corner at the clinic, picked up my stuff at the TRC, printed some pics, had lunch, bought a plant at the Ministry of Forestry, and bought groceries. The 6 hours I was there went by very fast. We returned to Sarah’s and watched some Six Feet Under.

Saturday was a lazy day. I ran to pep for a lentil strainer and the hardware store for a pipe wrench to fix my bathroom sink. Watched some movies, read and then headed to SNL’s for dinner and Pictionary. It was quite a fun evening with me being introduced to a drink that contains gin and lemon juice and some carbonated beverage. Needless to say, I was feeling good. A heated discussion ensued over the power of words. I fell asleep on the floor while they argued about the ‘N’ word and whether or not it is a bad word on it’s own or if it depends on the intention of the user. I don’t think they found common ground.

Today I was a serious couch potato. I read a lot, watched movies and then finally called my super for a ride back to site. All I wanted to do was unpack, pick up Efuta and cook dinner. The UMYA gang really wants to watch a movie, so I guess I’m gonna do that and be a little social.

Friday, April 18 - Sunday, April 20 (morning):

I waited around my flat in the morning to see if people were going to show up to work on tearing down the future outdoor theater and then decided to just go ahead and start working. Within a few moments people began to show up and we started tearing at the walls and hauling away dirt and bricks. They had started tearing it down while I was gone and had dragged out a lot of what I considered unsalvageable junk. Rusted metal cabinets, warped wood tables, an oven…etc. I considered the stuff trash but I realize how things are viewed here and so innocently I told them they could take whatever they wanted home. I figured it was better to recycle it then have it sitting in a pile of debris.

After a few hours, we broke for the day and people began to pick up their goods and head home. What I didn’t realize is that one of the nurses in the clinic had called the matron at the hospital in Nankudu and ‘told on me’. Next thing I know, she is sending the security guard to track all the stuff down and make people return it. I thought it was complete nonsense - it’s not like any of it should or could be used in a hospital again.

Later today, Fanuel came to me again, saying the nurse was causing problems and so I decided to confront her. She didn’t really have a logical explanation for what she was doing, ‘cept for the fact that it was ‘government’ property and needed to be cleared before giving it away. I still thought it was bullshit. I called the matron and explained the situation to her and she said the same thing. I was getting really irritated. If it IS government property and has to be checked by them before giving it away, it will sit in our clinic for YEARS before someone drives all the way out here and confirms anything. I tried to call Mr. Sintago in Rundu, but he had left for the day, so on Monday, I have to figure this all out. In the meantime, everyone had returned the stuff.

My neighbor tracked me down and informed me that the dog that I had fallen in love with a few weeks back, was going to be given to me. He’s a beautiful blue/grey dog with eyes like the ocean. I was excited - we were going tomorrow to get him. I spent the rest of the day cleaning up my place, working on Rukwangali, watching a movie, reading, etc.

Saturday, we worked some more on the theater and I apologized to the people for what happened. They were concerned that they were tearing down the building in vain and that when finished, someone would come along and say no, we want that back. I hadn’t thought to get the pastor to sign anything giving us ownership of the space, but now I’m going to have to do that. We made progress and I am getting excited about having movies nights.

The rest of the day I watched movies, did some yoga, read…until my neighbor came and got me to go get the dog. We walked a long way (in the dark) to their homestead, got the dog and headed home. I gave him a quick shower so he wouldn’t stink and then it was time for bed.

Today I was sitting on the veranda petting him (I’ve named him Efuta - Rukwangali for ocean) and felt some bumps on the inside of his ears. I flipped one over and to my HORROR discovered a MILLION fleas nesting there. I began to check him all over and discovered he is COVERED in them. He has more fleas than fur!! It’s the most troubling/disgusting thing I’ve seen yet. The worst part is that I have no flea shampoo nor anyway to get any until I return to site from re-connect. That means, that he and I have to live with it for about a month. I feel so bad, but there is a part of me that wants to give him back because I don’t want to infest my flat with fleas and that’s what’s going to happen. I started picking them off individually with tweezers but it’s not use. I even broke down and sprayed roach spray on some of the densely infected areas, but it’s not working. This is gross. It’s making me sick to my stomach which is kind of stupid but I just don’t want to have to deal with fleas on myself and in my stuff.

Monday, April 21:

The dog dilemma has been settled slightly...I ran into my neighbor and was telling her about the flea situation and low and behold she had flea powder! Expired flea powder, but flea powder all the same. Where the hell did she get flea powder? Lol Anyways, I dowsed the little bugger good and shut him up in the bathroom for about 45 minutes. Then I gave him a thorough bath and about 85% of them were gone. I then took some tweezers and did some scouting. Removing the rest of the dead ones and pulling off a ripe one or two.

I was concerned that he would whine all night and keep me up but he didn’t do have bad. He did throw up in the middle of the night though. Rocks. Yes, he through up rocks. I have NO idea when he ate them but I’m surprised he didn’t seriously injure himself when he did. We made it through the night though.

I worked a few hours in the garden this morning - clearing and burning brush. It was actually chilly today and I wore jeans. I then came back and began working on a proposal to turn my office into a ‘cool’ space for young people. The Ministry of Health is launching a new ‘Adolescent Friendly Health Services’ program and most clinics are converting corners or areas of their clinic into comfortable and private spaces for teens to seek medical attention and advice. My office is perfect because it’s away from the main reception area but not so far as to inconvenience nursing staff.

I worked on a few other things and actually filled the day. Lyambezi’s daughter and niece are staying with him while school is out and they wanted to play with my dog so I planned on doing yoga while they kept him out of my way. Then they asked if they could watch a movie with me and I was going to say tomorrow, but then I got into a long-winded conversation with him and it got late, so we all ended up watching Harry Potter. My super was really funny. He kept asking me if the creatures and things in the movie were real. He could not understand that they were computer generated and not really there. It was cute.

Tuesday, April 22 - Wednesday, April 23:

I decided to go work in the garden a bit since I didn’t have anything else pressing to do. The garden is taking longer than I had hoped it would, but seeing that we haven’ t heard back about our proposal yet, it’s not a big deal. As I was leaving the clinic though, I noticed some of the housekeeping staff working on the grounds and they had a wheelbarrow. I found out it was the pastor’s and asked if I could use it when they were done…so instead of the garden, I worked on the theater.

Lyambezi came out to chat for a bit while I was working and asked why when we reconstruct the wall for the theater, that we don’t just use the foundation to build an actual community hall. For whatever reason it didn’t even cross my mind but once he said, it made sense. I don’t want to wait around for estimates for building the actual hall and postpone the theater…but what I decided we could do was use the money FROM the theater initially, to turn it into an actual building. I mean, we charge N$2 for admission and do the movies twice a week, we should average about N$200 a week, which is about $28 US. I don’t know how much it would cost to build a roof, but cement is N$60 a bag and we can make the bricks ourselves…so we could build the hall slowly, little by little, instead of waiting around for money to do it all at once then waiting around for someone to build it.

The remainder of the day was spent working on the Rukwangali text. I was able to add about 5 pages to it. It’s looking really good.

Wednesday meant work in the garden day. I usually wait around for people to arrive and then walk up with them, but today decided to go early. I started clearing brush and pulling weeks and after a few hours, the rest of the crew showed up. The men began working on digging/cutting out stumps, I started burning brush. I have to say. I was really tired and my hands hurt, but I feel like such a pussy. I’m watching these men who are in their 50s, with HIV, and hardly get anything to eat - working their ASSES off and I’m complaining to myself that I’m tired and my hands have blisters. I kept wanting to stop clearing brush (the easier of the tasks) and go help chop or dig, but kept holding back….because I was tired. There was a part of me that was worried that if I start helping and then REALLY get tired and have to stop, that it would make me look bad. How stupid is that? Worried about what they might think of me? The thing is, they wouldn’t judge me at all - wouldn’t even cross their minds. That weird of me, right?

After lunch, I had called a meeting with OVCs because I want to start an after school program or youth group of some sort. I’ve been trying to find a way to work with young people and this was perfect because currently there is nothing going on in Mpungu for them. About 16 showed up, 2 boys, the rest girls. We talked a little about what they would like to get out of the group - tutoring for school, HIV education, emotional support, fun, etc. and then scheduled the first meeting in May when I return from Swakopmund. I think it’s going to be a lot of fun spending time with them and I look forward to the positive impact I can have on their lives.

Thursday, April 24 - Monday, April 28:

Today in English class I introduced the group to pluralization of nouns, reviewed greetings and possessive pronouns/adjectives and briefly went over numbers which they already knew. After lunch, I met with the HIV support group. For whatever reason, they hadn’t really been meeting on a regular basis and it was important to me that we at least meet once a month. I wanted it to be a time where people come together to support one another and talk about issues and difficulties they faced during the previous month. It ended up with them complaining about the same things everyone complains about when we get together - stigma, too many HIV+ people drinking, and no transport.

Well, I’m trying to reduce stigma by all the activities I’m creating for the HIV group. They kept mentioning how we needed to do a workshop. I hate workshops. I think this country is workshopped to death! People only utilize them for something to do and the food - rarely does anyone attend because they are really wanting to change a belief or opinion they have. As far as the drinking goes, I’ve told them EVERY time we meet, to come up with some disciplinary actions around drinking and stick to them. They never do. They just keep complaining about it. Transport will ALWAYS be an issue and those who came from villages far away, I suggested they start smaller support group meetings within their own communities. Most of them didn’t like the sound of that, lol.

Friday I worked a bit on the theater building…tearing down and clearing and then I headed to the hike point to get to Sarah’s. I wondered how it would be hiking with Efuta, but he did fine and we didn’t wait all that long for one. Him making it through the weekend in Nkurenkuru was another thing. He’s still potty training and when he pisses or shits in my place, I spank him and just clean it up. When I’m in someone else’s place (ie. Sarah’s), there is a sense of panic, concern about the other person’s things. Without going into too much detail….it will be awhile before I take him with me again, lol.

Sarah had a visitor - a friend of a friend who is teaching in Swakopmund. Netra was also from Cincinnati, so we had a fun couple of days chatting about our ‘home’. Netra left on Sunday and shortly after, Amanda and Izizza (from Cameroon) came into town. Amanda is from our group and she and Izizza are friends from college. It was very interesting learning about a PC experience in another country. It was nice to realize that no matter where you are, as PCV you are constantly questioning whether or not you are having an impact and what exactly constitutes one? We all came to the conclusion that it is usually the one-on-one interactions where people are affected by you, than the big things like gardens and workshops. I have to completely agree with that. Since I’ve been here I’ve thought that how I engage with people on an individual basis will mean more in the long run than starting a community theater - though that will also have an impact.

On Saturday, Julia (Sarah’s Namibian friend) took us to Angola. We went to the border crossing, showed ID’s, paid a dollar and were ‘canoed’ over to the other side of the river. Angola is not much different form Namibia…except for all the MOTORCYCLES!!! OMG. They were everywhere. It really made me miss mine and trust me, if I am able, I am going to purchase a used one here. It would be great to use to get to Sarah’s and back.

I was introduced to RISK..which I had heard of, but never played. I discovered very quickly that my ‘I don’t like to lose’ mentality, has not diminished one iota since I arrived. It was weird, I thought I had chilled out more than that and it wouldn’t bother me, but it reared its’ ugly head. Why am I like that and why do I not have control over it? I go into the game saying I want to have fun and enjoy myself and the minute I’m losing, I freak out and become an ass. I really need to look at that.

Now that I am back to site (Monday), the residual GB Sunday is hovering around me. After all this time, I still question whether I want to be here. It’s no longer about whether I can DO the job. It’s not even so much about the isolation any more. The bottom line is, is this where I need to be in my life right now? Is it the best place for me? I’m not sure. I know the fact that another one of us just left last week because she missed her boyfriend and wanted to move forward with their relationship doesn’t help the doubts. I still can’t shake the ‘I’m going to be here for 2 years’ feeling OR the ‘am I missing out on something more important back home’ sensation. Those 2 things are clouding my perspective. I really hope that by the 6 month mark I’m in a different place.

Tuesday, April 29:

This was a fairly long and uneventful day. I did meet with the representative from Red Cross to discuss some things in regards to rapid testing and community counseling. Other than that, I studied a little Rukwangali and chilled. I did watch a movie/documentary called ZeitGeist. If you haven’t seen it…SEE it! It will definitely make you think about some things.

One thing that did surface during yoga/meditation time today was the realization that I spend way too much time worrying and thinking about what other people think of me. It actually rules my life much more than I have ever given it credit. I can’t figure out why. This is a sucky thing to admit, but I think one of my reasons for joining the Peace Corp. (on the list of my 100 reasons, lol) is that I wanted people to think I was a good person. An altruistic person. I wanted people to look at me differently because I did this. I wanted them to like me. Why do I work so hard to get others’ approval…why isn’t just being me and all that that entails, enough? It just sucks to think that I’ve spent almost 40 years of my life doing what I thought other people would want me to do. Doing things to make people like me. Making decision based on what I thought other’s would think of the results. Where the hell does THAT stem from and how do I change it? Fuck. Another layer peeled back with no clear answer to how to jump the current track. J

Wednesday, Apri 30:

I got up this morning and went for an hour’s walk. I started it yesterday. I decided that even though I hate to ‘run’, that taking a stroll every morning would be good. It’s especially nice in this cooler weather. When I returned, I was going to change clothes and head to the garden to work with the others, but I noticed they were working on the theater project instead. So, not asking questions, I changed my plans and put in a few hours there. I’m hoping we can get it completely cleared by the end of May and then focus on rebuilding.

I then chilled a bit and worked on my English plan for tomorrow. At 2 we had a meeting to firm up plans for National Testing Day next Friday. I’m REALLY disappointed that our first ‘real’ project together is something I have to miss. I am even tempted to leave my camera so people can take pics, but I need it for Swakopmund.

We went over all the details and I re-explained the concept of the ‘raffle’ and everyone seems to be on the same page. I pray everything falls into place. Because tomorrow is a holiday, they decided to move English club up to 9, which is great. I can get on the road sooner tomorrow and maybe Sarah and I can make it to Groot by nightfall.

Sunday, March 30 - Monday, March 31:

The most fulfilling part about today is that I made a deal with the boys at the hostel that if they spent 30 minutes helping me clean up the courtyard at the clinic, that the next time I was in Rundu, I would buy them a new soccer ball. See, the time I helped coach a game a few weeks ago, they popped their existing ball - which hardly had any life in it left anyways. They had asked if I would buy them a new one and I said no, that I did not have the money. I then decided later that day that I would get them one, but they would have to work for it. I refuse to be the white man who just gets everybody everything they ask for.

They worked very hard cleaning and then I surprised them by showing up with a ball. They all cheered and thanked me and it was a success. I’m thinking I could get them to help me accomplish some other things around the clinic.

Today, Monday, I worked in the garden a bit. I also twisted my ankle slightly which adding to the injury from yoga a few weeks back, has left my left foot very sore. I worked on the computer a bit, dropped off some mail at the ‘posa’ and then had 3 girls from the school stop by my office to ask my some ‘boyfriend’ questions. Now I’m watching Casino Royale and thinking that it would be a great movie to show when I get my theater up and running - lots of action and plenty of sports cars - the boys will love it.

Tuesday, April 1:

Worked my tush off in the garden today and then decided to knock off and take it easy. Gideon and Johanna stopped by while I was dozing in the hammock. They just wanted to chat…but what I discovered was that Gideon has some important things to tell me about Fanual, the community counselor. I may or may not have mentioned that a few weeks ago a boy from the school stopped me on the road to say that he wanted to get tested for HIV but has heard that the counselor tells peoples’ status to the community. I had brushed it off but told him to come see me when I returned. Gideon proceeded to tell me something very similar. Now I will have to meet with my supervisor when he returns. I really don’t like being in this position because if Fanuel gets fired, then we are without a counselor and I am without a counterpart. But at the same time, if we have a counselor who is not keeping things confidential, then no one will come and get tested.

Besides that small amount of drama, I took it easy. Part of the culture I am still not used to is that when people stop by your house, they expect to be fed. Gideon and Johanna kept making references to being hungry and that it was almost lunch time. If I am preparing or have prepared food, I have no problem sharing. But I am not going to get in the habit of making food for people just because they stop by. Otherwise, people will keep stopping by when it’s time to eat.

I then got to talk to Dave via Skype and immediately following, got a phone call from my friend Joel. It’s always nice to connect with the states. For dinner I tried to make pap (maize meal) and it turned out okay. I then started creating a photo slide show of all my pics - in preparation for this next Christmas.

Today, overall was really good and I found myself in a really good place. It will be interesting to see how settled I am in 3 months. As I was looking back at pics from when I first arrived, I could attach that desolate feeling I had back then to them. I know I don’t feel that intensely about being here anymore. I guess I am settling in. Whew…

Wednesday, April 2 - Friday, April 4:

Okay, so I haven’t written in a few days but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters except for how much FUN I had today!!! I taught my first English!! It was the most fun I’ve had since arriving here. It was scary and exhilarating and fun and scary and…. It was awesome. I didn’t do a lot of preparation and had decided that the first class was only going to be about 30 minutes long. I ended up doing most things straight from the hip and the class went 90 minutes. People were laughing and speaking English and really enjoying themselves. Okay…I get to teach a 2 hour English class once a week. I cannot believe I am so pumped about something so simple. I can’t even remember what happened over the past few days. I taught an English class. I get to teach an English class. Oh, and Sarah is coming tonight for the weekend, yippee!!!

Saturday, April 5 - Sunday, April 6:

Another fun-filled weekend with my wife, lol. We spent Friday night catching up on the past 2 weeks. We had a LOT to talk about. I had decided that Sarah and I were going to go horseback riding on Saturday and ironically she had gotten a hike with a kid who’s folks have horses. So we were excited about Saturday. She also delivered a package from my acting buddies in Cincy. It was GREAT!!! I got a Frisbee, a hand-held video game, coloring book, suckers, Mike & Ike’s, playing cards, crayons, toothpaste, 4 movies, Listerine and some wonderful words of encouragement. Man is was great! We walked to the store to get Sarah some Tafels and me a cold drink and I showed her the garden area. She was impressed.

Saturday came and went and the horse guy never showed. We decided to take a hike and at one point thought we had gotten lost in the bush. We found a trail and just kept following it and made our way back. It took about 2 hours….fun! For dinner we enjoyed Velveeta Shells and Cheese and taco seasoned lentils compliments of my sister. Then we settled in with ‘No Country for Old Men’. Today we worked on the puzzle, read a bit, played Frisbee with some local kids which was a blast and then I walked Sarah to the hike point. Just like always, we waited for about 2 hours and when we had decided she would just stay until Monday and headed back to the clinic and of course, she got a ride then. All 3 times she’s been out here this happens…from now on I’m just going to tell her that we walk to the point and immediately head back…that way she is guaranteed a ride, lol. Overall, today’s GB Sunday wasn’t all that bad. I’m now watching the first Godfather and then it’s off to bed.

Monday, April 7 - Friday, April 11 Morning:

I’m writing in my journal 10 days past due, so I’m really stretching to remember the past week and a half. Monday and Tuesday I spent some time working in the garden in the morning time and just working on the Rukwangali textbook out of my flat in the afternoons. On Wednesday I headed to Nkurenkuru to hang with Sarah before heading to Outjo on Thursday. She had planned on making dinner for Scot, Lindsey and I but ended having to meet with people so I did the cooking. Dinner was quiche and French fries - which wasn’t so bad if I do say so myself.

Let me backtrack a little…Lyambezi finally returned and I got to show him the garden - he really liked it - along with my idea about an open market in Mpungu. I then worked for an hour there and on the way back ran into Gideon & Johanna, who informed me there was a meeting, one of which I didn’t know about. We had scheduled one the day before to plan for National Testing Day, but no one showed up.

So, stinking and dirty, I helped them organize the day which includes a raffle, testing incentives, contests with prizes, a parade with songs and a prayer by the minister. It should be a very good day - I just won’t be there because of re-connect. I’m actually mad cause it’s our first big event as a group and I”d LOVE to take pictures.

So on Thursday, after breakfast, Sarah and I headed to the town council’s office because she had snagged us a ride. He was waiting on a fax so we walked to the hike point and ended up catching a ride with a teacher that I knew in Mpungu. We got to Rundu, met up with Chris, had lunch at the car wash and then he and I headed to Engin in hopes of catching a free hike to Outjo. SCORE! After onlya bout 20 minutes we landed a ride in a BMW with an Afrikaaner named Donnie. I had not ridden in an actual car since arriving - needless to say, I fell sleep in the air conditioning. We had been listening to various CDs on the way when suddenly Alphaville starts playing and he asks me if I know the group??? Lol. I started laughing out loud - here I am hitchhiking in Namibia, riding in a BMW listening to music from my high school days! Can you say tears in my eyes?

Donnie took us as far as Grootfontein where we then had to find a ride to Otjiworongo. By the way, before we landed a ride with Donnie, we met 2 American missionaries from Indiana! We caught a ride with a Namibian family travelling for a funeral. I had originally turned them down because there were way too many people in the boot but then the mother gave us the front seat. It sounds snobby on my part but I get car sick if I am crammed into the back with too many people.

We made it to Otjiworongo just before night fall, went to Super Spar for some dinner and then walked towards Outjo in hopes of a ride. We ended up cramming into the back seat of a small car with 2 other guys - all speaking Damara. Damara is the ‘clicking’ African language. It made the last hour of our journey to Amanda’s very interesting.

Amanda lives in an old folks’ home for Afrikaaners - none of the residents speak to her. This is the only town left in Namibia that still feels like it did before Apartheid. It’s dangerous, racist and there is a clear distinction between blacks and whites here. They don’t speak to one another. I’m so glad I live in the north where the racism isn’t so apparent.

Friday, April 11 Evening - Sunday, April 13 Afternoon:

I’m sitting on the balcony of the Jon Janker holiday apartments in Windhoek, shivering, wrapped in a comforter. I never expected to be caught ‘shivering’ at any point while in sub-saharan Africa. The last few days have been a blur and though there is a small fear that this dose of reality will make it more difficult to return to site, I believe it may have been the ‘recharge’ I need to continue on.

Friday we got a small tour of Outjo from Amanda and then caught a ride to Ojti with Jeff - the guy who gave us our hike the night before. We met up with Dave from Tsumeb about an hour later and spent a couple of hours trying to land a free hike to here. Just as we had found a guy who would hall us for N$50 each, I snagged a free ride in the back of a truck with some HIV workers.

We squeezed into the back with all our stuff and theirs with barely room to move and headed out. We made it about 20k north of Okahandja when as we crested a hill and going 140kph, crashed into a car that was stopped dead in the middle of the road. They were German tourists who had stopped because baboons were crossing the road and they wanted to take pictures. In hindsite the experience for me was somewhat comical - at the time, it was terrifying. I have not been in a serious car accident before. What I remember is this…my back was to the front while everyone else was sitting side to side. We were all talking about something or other when Amanda looked up with shock in her eyes and said something about ‘we’re going to hit the car’. At the same time, I was looking out the back and saw a baboon cross the road and commented on it. Then Dave and Chris looked forward - terrified - and the breaks were slammed down hard. With no visual awareness of what was going on, all I could do was brace myself and wait for impact. Upon connection with the car, all three of them were thrown into me - fortunately I had 2 backpacks behind me that I had pushed myself into and they broke any kind of injury I could have sustained.

We all made it out of the situation okay, including the 3 people in the front and the 2 tourists. I don’t want to think what would have happened if there had been a car following us at the same speed. I probably wouldn’t be typing this right now. The funniest thing about it was the completely unscathed avocado on our windshield that had originally occupied a space in the back of the other car!

I flagged down another car to get us the rest of the way - there was little we could do for the people there. We landed a ride with a family of 4, arrived in Windhoek, checked into our deluxe accommodations and headed to the mall for some shopping and sushi. Yes, sushi in Namibia. Now, in the states I was never a big fan of hanging out at the mall - Mark will attest to this - but here, I welcome the opportunity to experience civilization. We caught up with Katie and Brooke and ventured on. I bought some board games - Scrabble and Pictionary - for Sarah and I, some other essentials, we had sshi - which wasn’t half bad - got stuff for breakfast, then headed back to the rooms to sleep.

Saturday began our first day of VSN training and it was great. I knew a couple of hours into it that it was the perfect fit for me. We went through coaching exercises and regulations throughout the day. At lunch Jay, Chris and I headed out to eat and check some prices for external hard drives. We ended up running into a parade - a big parade - for some Afrikaaner celebration. Surreal moment #47! All these fat, drunk Afrikaaners on floats throwing candy at the crowd. We never were able to figure out what it was all for.

I found an inexpensive hard drive and headed back for more training. The afternoon flew by and we came back to the apartments for some Pictionary before dinner. It was great fun! We ate at an Italian place where for the 3 hours there, we could have been in any major city, anywhere in the world. I had ‘La Mussa’ pizza and a grilled chicken salad with assorted veggies including broccoli. Broccali!!! I haven’t eaten THAT since landing here. It was heaven on a bisquit. I also got a little hammered on some iced tea concoction and flirted with our waiter. Everyone seemed to find it hysterical and the brief amount of one-sided flirtation alleviated a miniscule amount of built up SF.

Sunday, April 13 Evening - Thursday, April 17:

Our final day of training and I was pumped. We worked on our program for re-connect, broke for a great lunch at the café attached to the Namibian Craft Center and then headed back to Jon Jonkers to chill before dinner. We discovered that the Indian restaurant was closed so we headed to Spar to grab something quick. It was also closed so we headed to Spur. This place was American Native Indian themed and WAY over the top! Beyond gawdy! Dave, Amanda, Katie, Brooke and I could not stop laughing at everything. I got some great video of it. We headed back for some more Pictionary which was great fun but the sore loser in me kept rearing its ugly head…and yes, my team lost.

Monday we checked out, said good-bye to the people hiking and Chris and I dropped our stuff at the PCV med flat with Kami and Shayna. We had made the decision to stay another day because of a PC ride heading to Rundu on Tuesday. We walked ALL over the city. We just needed to find a place to sleep that night. We called the guy who works for the Embassy who lets people stay with him, but he was full. I was then going to try Drew, someone Sarah had met but I hadn’t, who has a guest house there. Chris was going to try Heather (another PCV), because her college roommate lives in Windhoek now. It all sounds so weird doesn’t it? Just trusting our lives to strangers and them, their homes to us. But I’ll say it again, when in the PC most people open their homes to you.

I went to meet with Linda at the American Cultural Center to try and snag some English books and dictionaries for my English Club. Within 5 minutes of conversation, she invited Chris and I to stay with her and her husband. Her husband, as it turns out, is the previous director of Peace Corp. Namibia. What the hell? Such a small friggin’ world. She took me to the store room which was fairly picked over, but I did find some geography books and simple readers. No dictionaries though - I’ll have to figure out something else on that end.

Chris and I walked Kami to another mall so she could buy a laptop cooler/fan thing, then headed out to find the office of the Rainbow Project. It’s the LGBT resource center for Namibia. I had a great meeting with the director Linda and now Sarah and I are satellite counselors of sort for the organization. They had just had, the week before, a family travel 700k to meet with them because their son had tried suicide because he was gay. They travelled from around where I live. I could have saved them a trip…but now, Sarah and I are ready to be there.

Chris and I went to Fruit & Veg for lunch - which is somewhat like a Jungle Jim’s. We then went to find the InterCape office to buy a ticket for Paul. We then went to the movies. Yes. I finally got to sit down in an actual theater and watch a flick. Horton Hears a Who - to be exact. Movies in the states were always my drug of choice. They helped me escape. And here, for almost 90 minutes…I forgot where I was. When the movie was over, I actually cried. Guess I just got a little homesick from the experience.

We met up with some 26ers and had dinner at Taal - the Indian restaurant. I opened the menu and the first thing I saw was ‘chicken tikka’. I instantly began to tear up again (it was definitely a day to let it all out, lol) and left the table to call Mark. Ya see, that’s what he always ordered when we went to Baba in Oakley. I talked non-stop for 60 seconds just to tell him I was thinking about and that I loved him…then went to order. We all got something different so we could share and it was amazing.

Chris and I got a cab to Linda and Jeff’s, hung out and chatted with them a bit before heading to bed. A real bed. With a real mattress, lol. I slept like the dead. In the morning we hung out with them a bit, had some breakfast, then Linda dropped us off at the med flat. Oh…I spotted my first scorpion! Inside their house!!

We finally left Windhoek around 9:30 and after 8 hours of travel arrived in Rundu. Oh, and I saw my first school of meerkats on the way. I had hoped to make it all the way to Sarah’s before dark, but since that wasn’t happening, I crashed at Patricks. There was a big package waiting for me there! Kim and Becky from back home sent me a TON of stuff and I’ve been eating girl scout cookies and PoppyCock for the last few days. Thanks guys! You have no idea how much I appreciated it and how much I miss you both.

Wednesday morning I was waiting for Stanley the driver (I had left some yarn I purchased in Windhoek in the back of the vehicle), but then decided I wanted to get on the road. I got a cab to Engin, waited a bit, then caught what I thought was going to be a ride with some guys. They said they had to go pick up 5 other people. I jumped in the back with my stuff and on we went. When we got to where the others were supposed to be, they weren’t there so we left. Then I discovered I was being dropped off at another hike point because NOW the guys weren’t taking me since it was only ME, lol.

I ended up taking the Venture and had to wait about an hour before it was filled enough for us to take off. There was a family who teaches at Scot’s school in Nkurenkuru and they were traveling with their 5 year old son David. Now David truly is the CUTEST kid I’ve EVER seen! He’s beautiful! And he climbed into the front seat with me and NON-STOP asked me question after question. What’s that? What color is that? How many cars are there? 1 question after another. It was GREAT fun and I was thankful that my earlier ride had changed. He ended up getting tired and I rubbed his head until he fell sleep.

I made it to Sarah’s town, had a quick bite to eat with her, then got a ride to Mpungu. On the way we passed a smashed up truck which I found out later had contained a new teacher in Mpungu - a guy who just graduated college. He died in the accident. Damn. Life is SO fragile here. They had tried to pass another car at night and just lost control. This is why I don’t like traveling at night!

Upon arrival to Mpungu, everyone was glad to see me, sorry to hear about the accident I was in and I headed to my flat to rest and prepare for Thursday’s English club. Today, I worked some more on my lesson for the day. It went off without a hitch! Everyone seems to be enjoying my class so much - ME included! I had lunch, then met with the people in charge of making posters for National Testing Day. With that accomplished, I returned home to watch the rest of ‘Jesus Camp’, do some yoga, and have dinner. It’s taken me about an hour to type and catch up with my journal, so I’ll certainly not slip on that responsibility again!

Saturday, March 15 - Sunday, March 16:

Saturday morning we walked into town…along the river which is always very pleasant. We had breakfast at our favorite place, ‘Forget Me Not’ and then ventured out to run some errands. We dropped by the TRC for a bit, met up with both Rundu Maggies and went to lunch in the open market. We then decided to drop by the Bavarian to do a little swimming. I didn’t have anything to do that in, so I jumped in my in my cargos (they STILL were not dry on Sunday when I was hiking back). Everyone was going on a shebeen crawl later that day but I wasn’t up for it. I spent a few hours transferring movies from Patrick’s computer to mine. Some of which I hadn’t seen, so that’s very exciting.

Sunday we were all set to head back to sites around 10…which in Namibian time means we left Rundu at 4:25. So we hung out at the TRC because Patrick had left for Caprivi early. There is so much time spent ‘waiting’ here that it’s amazing anything ever gets accomplished. I realize this is an ‘American’ point of view and I should turn it around and say that there is so much time to chill and meditate here, no wonder there is no war, lol. I have mentioned before that I end up falling into a funk on Sundays. Each time I leave friends it’s like the end of summer camp. Fortunately Dave called and pulled me out of it as he always does. I have sort of vowed not to journal any more about my ‘issues’ (ie. isolation, insecurities, etc.) but being an ‘out-loud’ processor makes that vow difficult to keep. Just know that it’s the same shit that keeps bubbling to the surface and reminding me that it’s still hiding out in my attic. My attic is the one place I need to remove myself from before I go crazy.

Monday, March 17 - Tuesday, March 18:

Well, this morning it took me a solid 2 hours to catch a hike from Nkurenkuru to Mpungu. My ride ended up being with Bonjo Boy, a guy who lives in there, who happens to have been horribly burnt at some point in his life and has no lips. He seems like a good man, though I have not spent much time with him. There were 2 of us getting a ride and he told me to ride up front and put my stuff in the back. Upon opening the boot, I noticed the smell first, then saw the dead cow carcass shoved to the front. Though I was grateful for getting to ride up front, I did feel sorry for the young kid who was making the trip back there. I piled my bag and groceries into the back, climbed in the front and we were on our way - not before stopping and getting a beer, though…of course. The conversation was good but the stench from the back was right behind my head and I felt at times that I was going to hurl uncontrollably.

We finally arrived at sight and upon retrieval of my things, realized one of the books I had been waiting to read since my arrival in Namibia (which had recently arrived via my friend Steve), had fallen out of it’s bag and had laid in and soaked up a lot of the cow’s blood. The only thing I kept thinking was…thank God the only part that is ruined is what I’ve already read. It’s funny that THAT is all I thought about. There’s my book. Soaked in blood. And thank God I’ve already read the part that saturated. Lol.

I took the rest of the day easy and worked out of my house. A guy named Joseph stopped by and wanted me to help him work on a proposal to start a butcher shop here. It was very difficult because Fanuel was not here to translate and his English and my Rukwangali were far from compatible. We muddled through it though and I asked him question after question to the point where I thought he was becoming sad. I reassured him that we could work on this, there was just much more that he had to do before we could right a proposal. I’m excited at the prospect of getting some businesses going here. This place will eventually be a very big town because of how all the roads connect right here. They supposedly are going to start paving these roads in the next few years and Mpungu will grow overnight!

Today…today…was a great day. I had planned on meeting people who were interested in tearing down the thorn bushes from the garden area to use as fencing. What ended up happening, is that all the people who are going to be working on the garden, showed up and we started clearing it. Stupid me was in shorts and a T-shirt though and the many scratches on my legs and arms are proof that the thorn bushes here are NO joke. Plus, the blisters on my hand from ax usage are killing me! I look forward to getting out there tomorrow and doing it again. Seriously though…it was the hardest physical labor I’ve done since I got here and I loved it. There was such a feeling of accomplishment at the end of 3 hours. Also…these people worked their asses off! I w silently cursing my wounded hands but these people were singing and talking and laughing. They were so happy to be doing something productive with their time. It was inspiring. The worked so hard and never complained. By they way, were were removing bushes and small trees with dull, hand-made axes. I kept thinking how fast I could have went through this space with a chainsaw and weed-snippers and cut the work in HALF!!!! But, those aren’t the resources we have and so you use what ya got. I had forgotten to take my camera, so I have no complete before pics, but plan on taking some tomorrow. This garden is going to be huge and amazing. I am so excited for them. I can’t wait til things start to come up and we reap our first harvest. Wow. This is what I am here to do. Get food in these people’s stomachs and possibly some money in their pockets.

Tomorrow I fax our proposal to RACOC to get the fence built and a water tank and pump for collection of rain water. I pray we get all the money we are asking for.

Wednesday, March 19 - Thursday, March 20:

Well, this is the farthest back I’ve had to track to write something. That past 10 days have been a little crazy but I will try and catch up. Wednesday was a typical day of work which ended with Karel and I going to shoot some pool at a shebeen. I was leaving the next day for Divundu so I didn’t want to be out that late. So I left Mpungu on Thursday around 8:30. I arrive in Divundu at 6:35. It shouldn’t actually take that long…but this is Namibia (TIN). Efraim (the driver) kept stopping for no real reason. That combined with the roads being as bad as they were made for a long ass morning. By the time I reached Rundu I was officially nauseous from the ride and the trip to the open butcher shop. I’ll post pictures of that I promise.

I waited forever to get money from the BOB because it was payday AND a holiday weekend. The town was FULL!!! I decided to walk to the TRC and take a nap - to calm my stomach and head. I slept for about an hour then threw up. It was then time to try and hike the rest of the way. I ended up waiting with another guy which I knew was bad because it decreased both our chances at getting a ride. Namibians typically won’t pick up white people and Afrikaaners won’t pick up Namibians…so we were cancelling each other out. Someone finally did pull over but only had room for one, so I let him go because he had been waiting longer. Have I mentioned how difficult it is to stand around in the scorching African sun with a headache and nausea?? It is. I threw up again and made the decision I was only going to wait another ½ hour before just calling it a day and crashing.

It was at that time that Caroline, a woman from Luxemburg who is working in Rundu, pulled over - happy and delighted to give me a ride. Interesting conversation ensued and then I arrived. Chris was waiting fr me a the petrol station We caught up, as I did with Paul, ‘Layer Cake’ was watched and yes, I threw up yet again. It was then time to sleep. Friday, March 21 - Sunday, March 23: I headed out from Divundu around 7:30 am and fortunately caught a ride with a woman from the Dept. of Fishery who 1. Knew Thea and Griffin and 2. took me all the way to the border crossing point into the Caprivi strip. I only waited about 10 minutes before I caught a ride with a trucker heading to Katima from Walvus Bay.

The ride was long but pleasant because I was elevated and had a nice view of te landscape. The best thing was the ‘beware of Elephants’ signs I kept seeing. I really wanted to catch a glimpse of one but saw nothing more than elephant droppings across the highway. In America we worry about hitting dear and possibly messing up our cars. Here they worry about hitting an elephant and basically becoming pulp. The driver dropped me off at the Kongola fill station where Robin and Crystal were waiting for me. Soon Thea and Jeff arrived. It was great to see them all again and catch up - sharing what’s going on at all our respective sites. There was a celebration of sorts for Independence Day but we decided to hike back to Sesheke.

I finally got a better appreciation for my life in Mpungu seeing their huts with no running water and no electricity. Now, don’t get me wrong - their huts are kinda cool and though I don’t think I could have handled living like this, there was a sense of really roughing it that I could appreciate. Jeff’s hut is not completed yet so he lives in Crystal’s. It’s cramped but they made do. He and I headed down to the garden to get some corn to roast after dinner and collect some firewood for later, while the girls started working on dinner. I realize that’s not politically gender correct but it just worked out that way. We returned in time for black bean and sweet potato burritos which had been prepared over a propane stove. As night approached and the full moon resumed it’s place in the sky, we roasted corn and marshmallows over the fire. We were joined by a few small girls from the village and the evening was complete. I did pretty well sleeping on the cement floor, though I did toss and turn quite a bit. With 5 people sleeping in a 2 room hut, there was plenty of snoring and farting to keep anyone away.

Saturday after breakfast we began our hike to the Namushasha lodge where we would spend the day swimming and eating a good lunch and dinner. The lodge is very beautiful and we ended up getting a great deal on a boat ride on the river. Jeff then worked his magic with the receptionist and got us all complimentary rooms for the night! Sweet! The boat ride was awesome - we saw a green water snake, many colorful birds and finally a hippo. A dominant male actually, so we didn’t get too close cause it went underwater and the guide turned us around and sped us the other way. We got back in time to shower and rest a little before dinner. Dinner was out of this world good and the warm custard over muffins for dessert sent me into a sugar coma. I learned to play cribbage that night and now have a new favorite game. We headed to bed and Jeff and I played with the fruit bats on our balcony - trying to get some good pictures of them in flight. Then I slept. Slept better than any night in the country so far. I had a strange dream about Vin Diesel who I realized in my dream was representing Mark - that’s a story I will only share with him!!!

Today, Sunday, we had breakfast, hung out a bit then G-J (a French American conservationist living at the lodge and working on his PhD) gave us a ride back to the village. Then…disaster struck. I decided to do some laundry with Jeff at the borehole and proceeded to wash my shorts - with my cell phone in the pocket. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am down yet another cell phone. That’s 2! 2 phones in just 5 months. Is this a sign of something? What the hell Namibia. The funny thing is, is that I wasn’t all that upset about it. I mean hell, how can I bitch about something like that when the people around me live like they do? It just puts things into perspective. Is it a pain in the ass? Of course! But, really, its just a phone. A $1,200 phone, but just a phone. Even as I write this entry, I am just sort of laughing about it. The only problem with it is that now I will be hiking back 400k tomorrow without a phone - which is just a little bit scary. Oh well, I’ll be fine.

Monday, March 24 - Tuesday, March 25:

So Monday, I began the journey of making my way back to Rundu - 400k away. It doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but when you are hitchhiking it’s a different story. I headed out to the main road with Thea and Jeff where quite quickly they got a hike to Katima. I, not wanting to just sit still, began walking in my direction. I made it about 3k, all the while enjoyingthe hike with my back pack, though getting perturbed as each car passed and didn’t pull over. Just past the border to the Caprivia strip - where I had to soak my sandals in an ‘anti’ foot and mouth disease solution, I got a ride from some Zambian’s who took me all the way to Rundu.

After stopping by the PC office, I checked into the Bavaria, went for a swim and then settled in my room. It only took me a moment to realize I had cable T.V. and low and behold, watched the ending of a Harry Potter movie and then! Got to see an episode of Grey’s Anatomy - the current season! I’ve had a few surreal moments since being here but this one ranked up there. I’m lying in my bed watching American T.V. and I could have been in the states in any hotel. It actually made me homesick all of a sudden. Ya know, I’ve always liked to think of myself as a non-materialistic type of guy - that things don’t define me. What I’ve realized is that for the most part that is true and yet I do miss my comfortable life back home. Miss it a lot actually. The more I talk with other PCVs, I find they all seem to be people who didn’t have T.V.s, loved roughing it - were separatists - so to speak.

I’ve discovered that’s not really who I am and I’ve been trying to force myself into that box. So now that I’ve acknowledged that, what do I do with it? That combined with the fact that public health and community based work is not my passion. So then arises the question…what the hell am I doing in the Peace Corps? Do I want to help people and give something back to the world? Absolutely. But, if I’m not truly happy here what part of this journey is altruistic vs. what part is it me suffering for a cause? AND, is it okay that after 3 months at site I am still questioning myself? Is that a normal part of this process? Is it normal to still be achingly homesick? Most of the other PCVs seem to be settled into their life. Not that they don’t get homesick or stressed out but they have adjusted and accepted their new. I still feel like I am counting down the days when I get to leave. Is that going to change or is it a part of my personality that is going to end up winning out and making me go home? Am I being productive at site? Yes. I am working on things and trying to better the lives of the people I’m here to serve. But am I happy? Truly, happy? Ecstatically happy? No…not yet. Yet, should I be? I’m still not sure.

Wednesday, March 26 - Saturday, March 29:

I’m writing this on Saturday afternoon so I will try my best to remember the past 4 days. Wednesday began a 3 day workshop on gender equity. I really enjoyed it. It was the first workshop I’ve attended in Namibia where I was engaged and walked away knowing that I could conduct this workshop at my site easily. It was also nice because the facilitator was gay and so I was able to chill out and chat with him on the last day. The time at night was spent in the room with Sarah being goofy and watching T.V. I also had a really bad day where I thought I was going to go home. We did a section on father’s and had to get very personal. It brought up how much I missed mine and that then brought up other emotions. I actually made the statement to Sarah that if I felt this ‘low’ one week from today, that I was going to leave. She and I had a long talk (she is SUCH my rock!). I told her of my insecurities and she found it hard to believe that I didn’t have the faith in myself that she and everyone else did. Isn’t that always the case? We can never see ourselves the way other’s do. I was very calm during our talk and very comfortable with my decision to leave in a week if I felt the same. The workshop was nice also in that I was with a group of Namibians who are very progressive in their thinking. You could also see people’s minds changing - especially guys’ - throughout the week. It showed me that I’m not putting enough faith in the people I am working with. I am heading into every meeting, every situation, thinking they aren’t going to ‘get’ what I’m saying. That is SO not the right approach. So Friday morning I ran into my supervisor who was heading back to Mpungu that day, so it worked out they we got a ride. He was going to pick us up in front of OK Foods at 1. He called 2 hours before that to say they were ready and I begged for an hour so Sarah and I could finish our errands. We then waiting outside of OK for them for about an hour. Time here is completely irrelevant. It then still took us another 30 minutes to head out of town. We crammed all our stuff and all our food in the back, along with 5 people and headed out.

We arrived in Nkurenkuru around 4:30. That gave us time to stop by the post office and then Sarah decided to head to my site with me. I had two packages and we ran into Julia, a friend of Sarah’s who decided to come with us. Did I mention I got two packages? One from my mom and the other an Easter package from my sister. Can you say SCORE! They were both filled with goodies but I have to say my favorite thing was the pecan nougat egg hiding in my sister’s. My mom also sent copies of home movies that I made last year…trust me when I say I got teary eyed! We got back to site, Sarah worked on dinner - sautéed butternut squash and pasta - while I unpacked and showered. We then watched ‘Notes on a Scandal’ and went to bed.

They left early this morning and I was once again alone. Alone at my site for the first full weekend since I’ve been here. Hard to believe but yet. In 3 months, I’ve managed to NOT be alone on a weekend - especially at site. Can you say ‘avoiding’??? Today hasn’t been that bad. I’ve cleaned my place, watched a movie, done some stuff on the internet (yes I replaced my phone on Friday) and just sort of chilled out. Like I said…it hasn’t been that bad…but there is still tomorrow! If I can work through this isolation shit, I’ll be just fine.

Saturday, March 1 - Sunday, March 2:

SO I finished reading ‘Eat, Pray’, Love’ where Miss Elizabeth Gilbert so eloquently chronicals a year of her life while on a spiritual journey. What stuck out for me was that she -very forthrightly I might add - acknowledges the difficult she continued to face during this intense growth period of her life. Growth is hard, we all know that. I’m currently in the middle of some hard stuff. I promised myself that I would stop focusing on myself and switch my focus to others - only makes sense, right? I mean, this is the Peace Corps. But let me indulge for just a moment. I’ve realized that I keep trying to control this entire situation. That I am trying to make it behave a certain way. That I am trying to get people to behave differently than they have for 100s of years. Is this ego or impatience? Or are they one and the same? The ego says, ‘hey, you are this smart white man with a computer and all the answers to their problems!’. Impatience continues to mock me by saying closely the same thing - ‘Don’t these people realize you are only here for a short amount of time? Come on, let’s get busy!’.

Didn’t I mention somewhere in this journal that I needed to work on letting go of control and learning patience? These tend to be the captain and first mate of the ship that is my life. They have sailed me through life without ever really letting me touch land. That’s how I view the majority of the past 39 years. That I am just hovering above the real world. Not ever engaging completely - staying blissfully aloof. A dear friend of mine and someone I admire greatly - Nancy Monahan - told me point blank several years ago that I was aloof. At that time I shrugged it off like sand from my Teva’s, not knowing exactly what she meant. I get it now - even without the help of Mr. Webster So what has made me this way? Un-engaging? Afraid of forming relationship with those around me? Friendships, acquaintances, as well as lovers? Right now I honestly don’t know.

I could look back on my life and come up with a handful of scarring experiences and start to point fingers but, does that solve anything? It’s the collective experience of my life that has made me who I am in this moment. So facing that as reality - how does one really go about personal transformation? If all these habits, aspects of personality and characteristics of self were created by a life in which the majority of, was out of our control - how can one truly change? That is what I am seeking. Seeking from God. Seeking from yoga. Seeking from meditation. Seeking from myself. Seeking from the ‘nane’ who says’ morokeni tate’ to me each morning but refuses to give me her smile.

Each moment is a gift, but being the aloof individual that I am, I’ve always brushed them away. How do I learn to embrace them? How do I learn to embrace then without fear?

I just got off the phone with my friend Doug Stevens and something surfaced in our conversation that surprisingly hadn’t crossed my mind. A mere 6 weeks before I landed in this country, I sold my house. My home. Sold my motorcycle. Ridded myself of the majority of my furniture. Closed a successful massage practice. Gave up my dog. Ended a relationship. All of this I did because I was bored with my life. Because I was looking for an adventure. Because I was looking for a spiritual journey. What the fuck? Did I think this was going to be easy?

It call came crashing down on me - these realizations. I hadn’t given myself a chance to grieve the loss of all these things nor had I processed all the emotion around such major life changes. I have been so focused on what was happening to me here and trying to pinpoint where a lot of the intense depression/emotion was coming from and hell, this is a big part of it. So I had a cry. A big cry. It was so cleansing. It showed me that I have GOT to stop beating myself up for how I am dealing with things here. I am dealing with things the very best way I know how AND it’s a LOT to deal with. A LOT to process. It’s a LOT of change at one time in one’s life. Stop beating yourself up for not being perfect David.

Monday, March 3 - Tuesday, March 4:

Monday I spent working on Rukwangali the majority of the day, with some attention paid to the proposal I am trying to write to RACOC. Did some yoga, cooked some chakalaka and starting reading ‘The Pillars of The Earth’.

Today, was a little more fulfilling. I worked on a couple of proposals, worked on language and met with the guy who is selling us the cow for the training in a few weeks. I, via the translator, tried to explain to him that no, I did not have the money to buy the cow today. That he had to wait until the 15th when Risto brings the money for the workshop.

The best part of the day was when 2 ladies came by my office with an idea to start a sewing project. That wanted my help writing a proposal to get money for some machines, materials, etc. for them to start this income generating project. I sat down with them for about 2 hours and we began to formulate a plan. They were very prepared and had a list detailing everything they would need. I walked them through the process and brought up ideas and suggestions for other things they would need. It was very cool. It was the first time since I’ve been at site that I felt like I was actually accomplishing something. Now, don’t get me wrong. From the idea of this business to the actual opening of it could be anywhere from 6 months to a year. But just the fact that THEY came up with it and came to me for help…it speaks volumes. I can only hope that more people will come to me with their ideas and I can help inspire, organize and motivate them to see their dreams come to fruition. A very cool day indeed. And as a bonus, I cooked ‘yisima’ for the first time and it turned out great!

Wednesday, March 5 - Thursday, March 6:

Met with the garden committee on Wednesday in order to organize a little more, begin writing the proposal and assign some work. The meeting went well - about 2 hours - and we made a good start. I, of course, thought of many other questions I needed to ask them AFTER it was over, so that will have to wait until the next meeting.

I was excited because Sarah was hiking in today in order to have a meeting with Anton on Thursday. She left Nkurenkuru around 3 and finally made it to my place around 7. Thanks Namibia! The car she got a hike with broke down exactly half-way here and she was stuck, sitting under a tree for 2 hours waiting for another car to pass by and take her the rest of the way. Patience. It’s such a common theme here.

Thursday we headed up for our meeting with Anton around 8:30. When we got there he asked why we weren’t in the CACOC meeting in Nkurenkuru. I looked at him like he was insane - I hadn’t heard about a meeting. Sarah responded with, ‘I just heard about it yesterday and Ndadi didn’t think I needed to be there’ - so we continued with our meeting. 20 minutes later, the principle from the primary school (who is also on the VDC) arrives and says he needs to speak to me. I go outside and he informs me he is here to pick me up for the CACOC meeting, that they are waiting for me to arrive (the meeting was scheduled for 9, it’s 9:20 before we leave Mpungu). I turn to Sarah and we decide she needs to be there as well and Anton also decides to come along. I decide to stay the weekend cause I was heading there Friday anyways. Sarah and I laugh and on the hike in the back of the combi it hits us point blankly that THIS is the reason it takes so long to do ANYTHING here. So when I say it took a year to get a community garden going - I mean, seriously, it took me a year!

The meeting went ALL day. Have I mentioned before that Namibians enjoy ‘playing office’? All the meetings I’ve been in, it never seems as though ANYTHING is accomplished. It’s as if everyone is 10 years old, bored on a Saturday afternoon and decide to play secretary, play boss, play office. It’s a lot of pencil pushing and talking with no resolutions ever made. It’s a big waste of time and really makes one thankful for the organization skills that come naturally to Americans. This is exactly the reason that in the short 2 years Peace Corps volunteers are at site, that only one or two things get completed - from start to finish completed.

I ended up receiving 3 packages today! 2 from my sister and one from Steve and Jess. It was like Christmas. Shelly sent me a bunch of GREAT food, books and crosswords! Steve and Jess sent me thumb drives, books, and a blue tooth adapter to try and get internet via my phone. We headed over to Scot and Lindsey’s for taco night then headed home. I decided to try to hook up the blue tooth thing though I am fairly computer illiterate when it comes to more complex things. Well, Christmas came once again when I figured it out and BAM!!! I now have regular internet access via my phone! It’s very exciting and at the same time I have been without it for so long that it’s also not THAT big of a deal. I know that sound weird, but I guess when you go without something for so long, you start not to miss it.

Friday, March 7 - Monday, March 10:

Friday I worked on a quote sheet for the garden committee while Sarah did her thing. We went to the open market for lunch and had authentic African food - ie. mahangu, ekovi and some pieces of meat which we ate with our hands. It’s becoming so normal for me to eat with my hands that I don’t think about it. Let’s hope dysentery doesn’t think about it either.

We headed over to Scot and Lindsey’s to hang with them Lisa, Alex, Christine and Ben. I hadn’t seen Lisa in awhile so was nice to catch up. I decided to cut loose a bit and drink some (brandy and 7up) and well, I paid for it. I felt so old because I threw up on the way back to Sarah’s. I didn’t even feel sick, it just came up. Needless to say I just don’t need to drink at all!

Saturday we shopped for the big ‘Curry Cook-off’ that evening. I was going to try my hand at making samosas and she was making Chicken curry. Both turned out quite well. Ben was also doing the curry thing and Lisa was making her famous carrot cake. The meal turned out amazing and I felt like a total pig for the amount of food I ate. It was great! I played a round of Scrabble with Lisa and Lindsey while Sarah played Monopoly with Scot and Ben. Quite an exciting evening to say the least.

Sunday we just chilled out. Sarah had planned a meeting with Ben Bikes - an organization that supplies low costs bikes to home based health care groups. I was set to meet with him as well, but Dinah and John showed up right before he did and I had to catch a ride back to site with them. We did however hang out briefly with John and Julia, 2 new friends of Sarah’s. John is obviously gay and we are pretty sure Julia is as well. I kept trying to steer the conversation towards what the general attitude about homosexuality is here in Namibia and finally John opened up about his sexuality. Sarah and I have both decided to remain in the closet while here. It’s not out of any type of shame, it’s more that we don’t want it to get in the way of the work we do here. We are only here for 2 years and can only accomplish so much with the resources we have, so to possibly damage our productivity by revealing that information, is just not necessary. I wanted to tell John about myself so that maybe he had an outlet to talk about those types of things with, but again, I chose not to. It may be something I do down the road, but not right now.

Sarah and I have labeled the Sundays when we part company as GB Sundays. If you are really curious about what the GB stands for just ask. Needless to say, they suck big time. I get back to site and am hit with my feelings of loneliness hard. By the next day I am fine…but the first day back is rough. I am sure it will stop feeling that way at some point. Tonight was great though because I ran into Shelly on yahoo messenger and we were able to chat for a bit. I am working towards strengthening and repairing our relationship. I have shut her out for the past several years of my life, not really understanding why. I’ve been able to put my finger on some of the issues since being here and also been able to share them with her and have her receive the information in a positive way. It’s a very good thing. Mark also called and we talked for about 90 minutes. I LOVE that man so much. We are also working through things we were never able to deal with directly in our relationship. Maybe it’s the distance that allows us to be so honest. Maybe It’s the fact that so much of my own shit has come up since being here that it feels like purging to be able to talk through it. Regardless, I’m loving where it is taking him and I. There were plenty of times back in the states where I would look at him from across the table or when he was driving us somewhere and think…this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But then my own shit would get in the way of allowing me to be that happy. I plan on leaving as much of that ‘shit’ here in Mpungu Vlei!

Today marks 2 months I have been at sight with a reminder that I have been in the country now for 5 month. I researched some info for the women who want to start the sewing business and started to formulate a plan for the curriculum of English Club. I’ve never taught anything before, but I can’t imagine it’s that hard to design a class each week. I was able to track down some books via Christine for some ideas and a chalkboard from the clinic that I can use. I am hoping to start that in the next few weeks. I also put a call into Lejeune, my APCD, to just check in and find out if I am in the right place as far as my plans and goals and she confirmed that I was right on.

Tuesday, March 11 - Wednesday, March 12:

Monday was filled with Rukwangali, finishing up some work on the quote sheet for the garden and basically just taking it easy. I have really been wanting to find a way to meditate. Meditate on a deep level, but I haven’t found my niche yet. I can’t just sit still and quiet my mind…that never works. Yoga helps, but I question whether I am doing the poses right and to the right extent…yadda yadda yadda.

Tuesday I worked on some administrative stuff for Lyambezi, walked to the school to print it out, had lunch, had a meeting with the garden committee to find tune some more details and give them the quote sheets for materials, do some yoga, and watch a movie. Is it just me or are the days starting to speed up here? And if they are, does that mean I am adjusting? I read Vanity Fair, the Africa issue today…from July of last year (I ran across it at Scot and Lindsey’s). It was all about all the big-wigs who are doing things to help this nation. I realized while reading that I sort of fell into that category. No, I’m not giving billions of dollars to build schools and stuff, but I am doing things on a very grassroots level. All PCVs are. You never really hear about the PC any more. I mean, seriously…when was the last time you read an article referencing it? And yet there are thousands of people every year who set aside 2 years of their life in service to others. It’s actually amazing. It’s actually quite a privilege to be here. I keep telling myself that every time I have a desire to go home. I’ve settled into the realization that I came here for many wrong reasons. But I know I need to stay here for the few right ones. I’m keeping the faith, baby.

Friday, Feb. 1:

Well here I thought I was going to have an easy day. Woke up and finally went for a run because the clouds weren’t pouring down. My supervisor and the counselor were in Rundu for the weekend and I had a meeting scheduled at 10 with the buddy facilitators from Nkurenkuru and buddy group from Mpungu. So I casually came back from running, put on an episode of Sex and the City (season 2) and started making breakfast. At 9 there was a knock at the door and Singombe - the newly elected supervisor of the buddy group - was there and saying it was time to head to the school for the meeting. He realized I wasn’t ready and I asked for 10 minutes. Namibians are used to waiting so wasn’t a big deal.

We made it to the school by 9:30 and set up the chairs in the room we were using. While we were waiting he asked me some questions about English and we had a little impromptu lesson. I realized very quickly that I COULD teach English as a second language if I wanted to. Around 10:30 the rest of the buddy group began to filter in and by 11, they had all shown up except for the people from Nkurekuru. At 12:30 I was getting hungry and irritated. I hadn’t brought my cell phone with me and Singombe was out of Tengo. The secretary wouldn’t let us use the school phone because it wasn’t ‘school related’. He and I had to walk the 20 minutes back down to the clinic so he could buy Tengo, recharge his phone and THEN call Leekoko (the facilitator). It all sounds very efficient, doesn’t it? Trust me when I say I’ll NEVER take certain things for granted when I return to the States.

Needless to say, we got a hold of the guy and he was ‘on his way’. The 10 am meeting took place at 1:30. That’s Namibia for ya. It ended up being good though cause the 2 guys spoke English very well and I got a lot of questions answered and felt like I bonded with a group a bit more. I forgot to mention that I was headed to Nkurenkuru to hang with Sarah for the weekend and as the meeting kept getting pushed back I watched as my possible rides out of Mpungu kept dwindling. I kept seeing teachers driving away - all the teachers I can usually get transport from.

After the meeting I discovered that Leekoko and Ristho were driving back to Nkurenkuru and I could get a lift from them. In the back of their truck in the rain, how fun. The usual 30 minute drive took an hour because of road conditions but I arrived safely around 4. The 26ers were already together and had plans to start drinking games around 7. I was starved and knew I could get chips at one of the take-aways.

On the way there, walking through the clinic gate, Sarah slips and almost falls on the grate. The grate I speak of is rolls of steel backs that can be driven over but are far enough apart that an animal (usually goat or donkey) cannot walk across. It’s better then electric fencing, let me tell you. But back to my story. So we look down to discover that Sarah had slipped on blood. We then look to the side to see an elderly man, covered in blood, sitting in a pool of blood, with another guy holding a soaked bandage to his head. He had tripped on the grate and come crashing down face first into it. Oddly enough, Sarah and I were rather calm and we asked if they had sent someone for help. Of course they didn’t speak English so we took it upon ourselves to find a nurse (the clinic here has no doctor - he just up and left one day without any explanation). We found a guy and told him what happened and he said ‘the man was probably drunk’ and just got into his car and drove away. Like being drunk means you shouldn’t be helped. We then found a nurse and her response was ‘I’m off duty’. It started to be comical to me how inhumane the whole situation was. I’m thinking to myself, ‘have they ever seen ER or Grey’s Anatomy?’. It took us another 10 minutes to find the on-duty nurse and he said, I’ll come in just a moment I’m helping this sick girl (a small child who had just seconds ago thrown up). He tells Sarah to grab some gloves and gauze and tape and wait for him. It’s been about 15 minutes at this point. The nurse begins to follow us to the front but then stops to greet an acquaintance along the way. I mean seriously, THIS is RIDICULOUS!!!! When we finally get to the front, the guy is gone. He must have found the strength to get up and walk home. Sarah asked the nurse if she should clean up the blood - there was still large pools of it on the grate and ground (I had to stop looking at it cause it was making me queasy) - and he said no, leave it, the rain will wash it away.

When I say it’s a different world here, I mean, IT’S A DIFFERENT WORLD HERE! It’s hard to even put into words the things that I see, the inhumanity, the selfishness and yet having lived here for 3 months, most of it seems validated. People only live for today here. It’s all they know. They also only live for themselves. They know that if they do not look out for ‘me’ that no one else is going to. It perpetuates this circle of not caring which is hard, as a volunteer, to face on a regular basis. There are times where I think that if these people I’m here to help don’t give a shit, why should I? That’s a horrible thing to say, but it comes across my mind from time to time. Then I step back and realize it’s all they’ve ever known. I also know that if I don’t demonstrate a different way to live, a different way to approach life and one another, then they will never change. I guess it finally dawned on me that in being here - whether I start a garden or an orchard or a sewing group or a movie theater - that me just being me, being an understanding, giving, compassionate human being is what’s going to bring about the greatest change in the lives of the people here. THAT, my friends, is some serious pressure. PS. Remind me to tell you about the week Sarah had a couple of weeks ago when she almost went home. PSS. Did I mention that one of my fellow PCVs saw Charlize Theron in Oshiworongo?

Saturday, Feb. 2:

I slept in. Yeah! It’s been a while since that has happened. I walked to the store to buy supplies so that Sarah and I could make pancakes. 85$N for syrup, yogurt, powdered milk, toilet paper (not used in making pancakes, she was just out), and eggs. The toilet paper was 28$N! I have to start checking prices cause I’m sure I could have found a cheaper paper.

We watched a few episodes of Lost, Season 2. I’m seriously hoping someone is taping Season 4 for me, lol. She then took a nap cause she hasn’t been feeling well and I read, journaled, walked to the hardware store (the Namibian version of a hardware store) and then we cooked some pasta with curry sauce for the braai and S & L’s. Once again, it was good to hang out with all of them. They are so bonded having been here a year and their perspective is very different than ours. We returned home around 8, watched Fight Club and then crashed.

Sunday, Feb. 3 - Tuesday, Feb. 5:

Got up with intentions of catching a ride with my supervisor back to Mpungu on his way from Rundu. Contacted him around 10 and he said he’d be passing through around 6:30. Sarah and I watched Lost, ALL DAY! I mean, seriously, I wasted an entire day. It was nice. I had forgotten my phone charger and so turned my phone off to save the battery which was almost dead. I turned it back on around 6 and waited. And waited. And waited. My super never called, never texted…nothing. By then it was way too late for me to try and hitch on my own. So I stayed with Sarah another night.

Monday I got up and headed over to the hike point around 7:30. I’ve been really lucky with hikes and so I only waited about 15 minutes for one. A government car drove by and then turned and came back to ask if I needed a lift. The hitching God is always looking out for me. When I got to site, my super said he didn’t go through Mpungu until around midnight and his phone had died. He didn’t seem at all worried about it. I’ve got to learn to not be worried about it as well.

Monday I worked on Rukwangali and started reading a book about BioIntensive Gardening. Growing vegetables in really bad soil. I was supposed to have a guitar lesson with Alex, but he had to cancel because of a volleyball meeting at the school. I did yoga, read, and hit the sack.

Today was more of the same. The counselor told me today that he wants to build a community building for the support groups to meet in. He said he is trained in brick making. So that is another project I am going to wrap my mind around. I will help him make bricks and then we’ll write a proposal to have the place built and electrified. It will be great cause my idea for a movie house fits into this plan perfectly. I also thought today that we could offer free movie passes to people who come for HIV testing at the clinic. I know it sounds like we are bribing people to be responsible…but, it’s how things are done here.

Oh, I forgot to mention…I think I have inadvertently adopted a stray dog. I had bought dog food when in Rundu to feed the young puppy that belongs to the daughter of a nurse living on the grounds. I could barely get him (his name is Doggie) to eat it. Yesterday, this REALLY scrawny little dog started following me around. Tail wagging and whimpering to be petted. Well…I fell in love. So I gave it some food. Then I couldn’t get it to leave my flat. I put it outside and it just sat on my steps and whined. Today, it was waiting outside for me, so I fed it throughout the day and it never left my side. It is currently asleep on the floor next to my bed. I’m debating on whether or not to let it stay in for the night. I tried to give it a bath earlier but it turned out half-assed. I was trying to get rid of some of the bugs that were living in it’s fur. They weren’t ticks, but some kind of weird spotted fly. They were gross. I just don’t want them in my house, lol. I’m sure it has fleas too, but there’s nothing I can do about that until I get a ride to town. If I decide to take on this responsibility, I’m going to have to find a vet in Rundu and figure out a way to get it there and back. What am I thinking?

Her name is Mukwetu.

Wednesday, Feb. 6:

I keep thinking the days are going to get better, but they don’t seem to be. I seem to have convinced myself that I shouldn’t be here and that my reasons for being in the Peace Corps aren’t valid. I have been meditating daily but my thought patterns aren’t changing. Bottom line for me right now…I think I am too hyper to be in such an isolated place. I think if I had been put in a town where there was some ‘life’ and that I could walk around and interact with people, that I would be more settled. Honestly, the only way to meet people here is to invite yourself to their homes for dinner or go to a shebeen and I’m not one to do either. I really do hope I can work through this because if I still feel this way come April, I’ll have a big decision to make.

All that said, today was a pretty good day. I worked in my office a bit and then Lyambezi dropped by to tell me he was on his way to the school to talk to the principal. I asked if he could relay a question to him for me and he invited me along. I hadn’t met the principal yet - or even spent time at the school (outside of visiting the other PCVs and VSOs. Lyambezi arranged to speak to the girls about pregnancy and I asked about boy’s clubs, Life Skills classes, and counseling hours. The principal was very excited about my questions. We planned on returning to the school that afternoon at 3, because they were having an assembly with the 10-12 graders.

Upon returning to the clinic I asked about a bigger, different office for the HIV counselor. He showed me a room where Fanuel was originally supposed to be and I showed him what I considered to be a better alternative. It was a storage closet in the main clinic area that if cleaned out, would be well suited for Fanuel. He agreed. So I spent the next few hours moving (with some help) boxes, taking apart shelving, etc. from the closet to another room in the hospital. Then one of the cleaning ladies wiped everything down, swept and mopped. Oh…In the process of moving things around I found an actual desk! Fanuel now has a bigger space which is more conducive to doing pre- and post-test counseling and I could tell from the smile on his face that he had been waiting/hoping for a change of space for quite some time. Why he didn’t just ask Lyambezi on his own, I’m not sure. What I believe is that there is a lot of insecurity among Namibians which stems from how they were raised AND somewhat due to apartheid. It was nice to be ‘busy’ and do something that was familiar. It also inspired me to take a closer look around the clinic and maybe find other areas that can be ‘spruced’ up.

We returned to the school around 3 and the assembly was well under way. They had a guest speaker talking about motivation and reaching your dreams. I was actually inspired. The lecture seemed a bit ‘new-age’ which was refreshing from the last 3 months of having nothing like that. We were introduced and then I took the boys out into the yard, while Lyambezi remained behind with the girls. I have to say, usually I am nervous about speaking in front of groups, but when it comes to youth - I am A-OKAY. I talked to the boys about starting a boy’s club to see if there was any interest. There was a unanimous YES. There were a couple of very outspoken boys which I can definitely see leadership qualities in. I asked them what they would like the group to consist of, what things they would like to do, talk about, etc. I got some really good feedback. It sounds like it will be a combination of a social club to talk about things they can’t talk about with other people (ie. sex, relationships, parental issues) and possibly some tutoring for those subjects in which they are struggling. I am excited about it because it’s within my comfort zone.

I returned to the assembly room to wait for Lyambezi. When finished and the girls were released, 3 came up to me and asked if they could talk to me. I said sure and they pulled me back into the assembly hall. I sat down and they one girl asked, bluntly, how her boyfriend could please her sexually without having intercourse - because she was concerned about getting pregnant. Without skipping a beat, I talked to her about oral sex (which she had not heard of) and mutual masturbation. You would think I had just handed her Pandora’s box (which…I probably did). I think her excitement was more about being able to ask something she’d never be able to ask anyone else and to see how comfortable I was with the response. No judgment, no shock, just a simple-straightforward response. It felt good and I have a feeling the youth at the school are going to be beating down my door at the clinic very soon J

I decided to share some of my frustrations about having a lot of ‘nothing’ to do all day and he was understanding. See, a lot of the pressure to perform is my own stuff. He’s not putting any on me himself. I just have to find a way with being ‘okay’ with doing nothing. Even outside of work, I need to do that. I find myself filling up my evenings with watching movies on the computer and reading. But then, what the hell should or would I be doing?

Thursday, Feb. 7:

Today started out like the rest of the week - me, not being able to get out of this slump. This overwhelming since of ‘I shouldn’t be here’. I had planned on attending a meeting in Nankudu with my supervisor and all the other PCVs and theirs’. We were supposed to leave at 8 but didn’t get picked up until 10:40. TIN! Then the drive took about an hour and 15 minutes because the road was so bad AND we had to pick up 2 other supers - 1 from Nepara and 1 from Yinsu. Along the drive I just sank deeper into this depressive state which ultimately fueled the headache that had been sneaking around in the back of my head.

The meeting was long, drawn out and most of it didn’t pertain to any of us PCVs, BUT I got to see them so that was good. Stephanie, Sarah, Justin and Wendy could all tell something was bothering me and during the lunch break I shared what was going on with me. I told Sarah how I felt that I had ‘run away’ from some things in my life back in the states and it was that reason why I felt uncomfortable being here. She was empathic, yet stern (which is what I love about her). She said that if I left here for that reason I’m once again running away from my problems. She reminded me that personal growth was not easy, as a matter a fact the biggest growth spurts are typically the most difficult - I just happen to be dealing with everything at once. It gave me a moment to pause. I did come here to grow as an individual and if some dark days of questioning are part of that process, I need to embrace it. So I came here for some wrong reasons, can I not deal with those issues here? Do I have to return home and miss out on this experience to work through them? Also, I don’t seem to be able to get the concept of 2 YEARS out of my head. I need to step back and take the experience a day at a time without putting all that pressure on myself.

I got back too late to enjoy the dinner with the gang on the hill and frankly wasn’t feeling that great, so I was fine chillin’ by myself. As I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed I paused for a moment in the mirror. Why haven’t I shaved since I arrived in Namibia? What was the point of all this facial hair? It dawned on me that maybe I was hiding behind it. Wow…hiding behind it. So I shaved. I shaved for the first time in 3 months. I hardly recognized the man staring back at me. It was cathartic to say the least. I think tomorrow is going to be a better day. I know tomorrow WILL be a better day.

Friday, Feb. 8: 7:00 a.m.

I truly was hiding behind that facial hair. I can’t seem to stop staring at my reflection and smiling broadly. Not out of any narcissistic desire or ego, but more out of ‘hmmmmpphhh’. I’ve been here 3 months and have yet to ‘settle’ into the experience of being here. I think I’ve approached it with the idea that it’s just temporary - that if it gets to bad or too rough, that I can just leave. Always having an ‘out’. How was I ever going to ‘be’ here if my escape route was hanging in front of my face like a carrot. With my focus on it, I was never able to focus on what was going on around me. I’m in this for the long haul.

I was able to get a free hike with my supervisor into Nkurenkuru but we left very early. I felt a little guilty for ‘taking the day off’ but there wasn’t anything on the schedule so… The drive to town was interesting - I had yet to ride in his personal truck. The truck happens to be a 96’ with 150,000 miles on it. As we kept splashing through big mud puddles I wondered why he hadn’t turned on his windshield wipers. We stopped a few moments later for him to physically get out of the vehicle and move the wipers across the windshield manually. We ended up doing this every 10 minutes or so. I mean, his wipers weren’t working and yet you didn’t hear one word of complaint from him. Then a strange noise started coming from the front right tire and I was convinced we had a flat and were going to be stuck in the bush for most of the day. It wasn’t the tired but it did sound like the wheel would just fly off at any moment. Again, no complaints from the super…just acceptance of the way things are.

I feel like such a baby when I think about all the shit I’ve bitched about since arriving at site and here these people that I volunteered to help are living in much worse conditions than myself and just accepting it all. This sort of thing tends to sober one up a bit. I’ve also realized that this is just my process. That it happens to be in the cards for me to deal with all this stuff AT ONCE - which of course makes it very hard, but then the trade-off is that I get through it all at the same time. I’ve had some great words of encouragement from other PCVs AND from friends back home via Facebook - THAT has been a life saver. And trust me, some of the other PCVs are having a MUCH more difficult time than I and just riding it through. I need to stop looking at it as ‘why is this happening to me’ and begin to see it as ‘Wow, this is happening to me!’.

Sarah and I went to hang out at Lindsey’s school for part of their athletic day. Athletic day consists of all the kids standing around in the hot sun for hours while someone decides when to start things. We stayed for the first relay which was long distance. They were divided by sex and age, so the older girls went first. It was 12 laps around a track (when I say track, I mean a field that was cleared the day before). They started with 15 girls - barefoot I might add and by the time the first one crossed the finish line they were down to 5. I mean, the girls would just get tired and quit…walk off the field. There seemed to be no motivation to complete the race NOR had there been any preparation or training for it. I think the higher placers get to go on to a regional competition but hell, to place high you just need to stay in it, not necessarily be the fastest.

I stopped by the vet’s to find out charges for getting the stray that I’ve adopted neutered but they weren’t around. We decided to make cornbread and chili for dinner so we headed to the store. Afterwards, we went for a run down by the river. The river happens to be where everyone bathes. I was lucky enough to see a handful of men NAKED, lol. No, I’m not a perv but yes, I did stop to rest for a bit and try to ‘stare’…give me a break, I haven’t had sex or seen a naked man in 3 months! I figured the universe was throwing me a bone (pun intended).

Marcus and a friend (I forget his name) stopped by while we were making dinner and we invited them to stay eat and watch a movie. This is the stuff I feel I’m missing out on in Mpungu. No one just stops b my house, lol. Guess I need to do something change that. The evening felt very much like home - a group of friends eating together and watching TV per se. It was nice.

Saturday, Feb. 9 - Sunday, Feb. 10:

Yesterday Sarah and I hung out, watched some Lost, I did some grocery shopping, Ben came into town and since Scot and Lindsey were at the athletics field all day, he hung out with us. We actually played a complete (start to finish) game of Monopoly. Now…I haven’t played Monopoly since I was a child and then I seldom played correctly. My sister will assure you that I actually cheated, but I would have to disagree (at least not ALL the time). I began to rain again (this is the rainy season if you haven’t figured that out yet) and so we were sort of stuck inside.

What Sarah and I have discovered is that we are each other’s ‘imaginary playmate’, lol. Seriously. We are such freaks. We decided we were going to just dance. Just dance to some random music for about an hour. Now…when I say dance. I mean, act silly and outrageous to the random music that comes on to make each other laugh. Well, this turned into ‘let’s perform some lipsyncing for each other’s entertainment’. Which in turn became…’let the other person pick the music at random for the unknowing lipsyncer to enter the room and perform to’. Of course that wasn’t enough. We then decided to pick each other’s outfits out of Sarah’s closet. Did I mention we were freaks?

Yes, it’s the penis for condom demos.

I made Sarah go first and I had chosen songs like ‘Jeremiah was a Bullfrog’ and ‘Love Shack’ - not realizing that ‘Love Shack’ came out when Sarah was a baby and of course the other one before she was even born. I wanted to pee my pants laughing so hard at her dancing around and trying to change her persona based on the song that came on. We played each song for about 30-45 seconds. She finally got embarrassed and sat down. I, on the other hand, being the performer that I am…was ready to go. I actually reminded me of acting class because it was all improve. Needless to say, we were fools and laughed till it hurt at one another. God did I need it. It was so good to just let go completely. I have to say, if I didn’t have Sarah an hour’s drive away from me…I probably would be home by now.

Today was spent by laying on the couch and watching more Lost. I actually don’t know why I’m re-watching the 4rd season cause it will be about a year before I get to see the 4th. But that’s what we did just the same. I made French toast for breakfast and then around 1:00 I headed to the hike point to hitch a ride back to site. Now, I have to say, the hitching gods have been working in my favor…but today, they must have been slackin’. First, I waited an hour before someone came along that was heading in my direction. Second, I got in the back of a covered truck with 6 large cases of Windhoek Lager (beer of choice here) and a bunch of groceries. There wasn’t even enough room for me to extend my legs. Then I find out, there are also 2 women and 2 children climbing into the back with me. Now it’s REALLY crowded and also REALLY obvious that the woman squatting next to me has not cleaned ‘down there’ in probably a year or two. Need I say more? And with absolutely NO air flow in the back, the heat just intensified the ‘aroma’. You have to remember, that because of the road conditions (pothole after pothole after pothole) that the trip takes longer than usual. We then stopped to add yet another person. My knees were in my throat (thank God for yoga). Ya know, if anything, at the end of these 2 years, I’ll be completely over my car sickness. Cause if this trip didn’t make me hurl…NOTHING WILL! It’s yet another one of those situations where I just started laughing to myself. It’s also one of those situations that confirms, without a shadow of a doubt, that yes, I’m gay.

Monday, Feb. 11:

I forgot to mention that yesterday I broke down and prayed. When I say I ‘broke down’, what I should say is just, that I got on my knees and prayed. Now I haven’t done that in many….MANY years. Part of the reason is that I consider myself a Buddhist. It also has to do with the fact that I don’t believe God is a person per se. Another reason is, is that I’ve gotten into this belief system that all the answers to all my questions are inside me. I do believe that for the most part. But yesterday, the desire to leave this place reached an all time high and I had no other place to turn. So I had a conversation with God. Needless to say, he remembered me.

Today, I got up, went into my office and began working on some things. Busy work. Just stuff to distract me from sitting there doing nothing. Then I decided to be pro-active and ask the universe for a favor. In other words, ask my supervisor if I can move into the doctor’s flat that has 2 bedrooms. I’ve been wanting to ask him since my first night in my place but felt I was being a selfish, spoiled American desiring more. But I realized last night, in my lowest of lows, that part of my ‘issue’ was not having a refuge to come back to at the end of each day. I live in one room. I leave this one room to enter another room and work in that room all day. Then I return to this one room. I didn’t realize how that was messing with me. So I asked my super and he said yes. He saw no problem with it. It’s just been sitting there empty since the doctor left last may and there is no replacement in sight.

My entire mood has shifted. Immediately after lunch I decided to knock-off work early and begin cleaning. The place is disgusting and hasn’t been touched in a year. So today, I spent 5 hours scrubbing my kitchen. I have cabinets. I have storage space. It gave me such pleasure to clean. Part of it was that I had something to do and part of it was that I was creating my refuge. This new place is going to give me so much pleasure and if it changes my perspective on this entire experience…is it an act of selfishness or self-preservation? In addition to all of that, Sarah texted me to say she was heading to my site to spend the night because we had meetings the next day with the agricultural guy. So not only do I have this new place to live (with an amazing view of the valley), but my friend is spending the night here and getting to see where I live AND my tomorrow is filled with meetings which will spiral into things to do for the rest of the week. Talk about answered prayer.

Tuesday, Feb. 12:

Today was a busy and productive day. These are rare and so I was very happy. We had 4 meetings today (via Sarah and Marcus) in preparation for the UMYA 2 week training for home-based health care volunteers. We met with Fanuel to discuss what was needed, met with the pastor to talk about accommodations for volunteers coming a far distance, met with the agriculture guy about the community garden projects and then met with the principal to confirm use of a room for the training. Marcus’s enthusiasm is infectious and I feel like Sarah and I are currently riding his coattails while we find our bearings. That is fine with me. My super would like me to start garden projects in at least 3 other villages after we see the success of our own. That should tide me over for the next 2 years.

I also talked to the pastor and got a quick tour of the church hostels. It’s disgusting how these children are living. No electricity, 5-6 to a small room (most with no mattresses on the beds - literally sleeping on the metal springs of the hospital bed), no storage for clothes or books (everything is just laying around), most of the windows are broken (so the rooms are bug infested), the ceilings are waterlogged and caving in or missing. It’s bad. Especially when you compare it to the hostels at the secondary school. I have an idea to try and get money either from private resources or from the ministry of education to build new hostels and possibly have them maintained by the HIV support group. That way the people living with HIV have a small income, the community will see the people working and living a ‘normal’ life and the kids staying at the hostel will grow up being taken care of people with HIV and so it will ultimately change stigma.

The rest of the day I continued to clean my new pad. I finished the kitchen and the living room and began to move some things over. The Peace Corps staff is coming tomorrow and so I don’t want to be half-way between one place and another - plus, I’m not exactly sure they would like the fact that I moved to a bigger place - regardless of my reasons. So I’m keeping it on the down-low. I finished the day with a 2 hour round of yoga, showered, ate a veggie burger and the starting working on what I call ‘The Big 100’. I’ve decided to make a list of 100 things I want to do before I die. Some things I’ve already done - like meet my birthmother - but most I haven’t. It’s just a gauge to live my life by to make sure I’m always striving for something. I’m only at 38, so I’ll continue to work on it. It includes everything from skydiving to reading the bible cover to cover to visiting all 7 natural wonders (I’ve done the Grand Canyon and will be doing Victoria Falls this year!)

Wednesday, Feb. 13:

I started out in my office, creating a giant calendar for March so I can organize everything that is happening. I was waiting for the Peace Corps personnel to arrive - not knowing exactly who was coming or when. They arrived much earlier than anticipated. They decided to come all the way to Mpungu then work their way back. It was Edward, Hannah, Stanley and 2 others who I don’t remember. They ended up being here for about an hour. It went very well. They were pleased with my progress and projects that are in the works. They also toured my living space - old and new - and were sort of jealous of the view my veranda offers of the valley. Overall, a very successful meeting.

They also had mail for me! I had 4 letters from the states - all postmarked in November of last year. That’s Africa for ya! I got an awesome letter from dad - full of encouragement and praise. Also I heard from my buddy Russ and Firebelly (that’s a story for another day) and received a Christmas card from a member of my parents’ church. I’ll say it again…mail is an amazing gift.

Russ was my workout partner in Cincy and we had begun to get close - I think he was becoming my replacement for my best mate Dave who moved to DC 5 years ago. He is either fairly intuitive or I am more transparent that I had thought. He hit a few nails on the head with things about me in his letter. He said, ‘I can already guess that your purpose for being there is to find ‘peace’ within you and to be more comfortable in your own skin as opposed to being the ‘actor’ and center of attention’. OUCH! I wasn’t angry though. As I read it and let it sink in, I acknowledged that yes, it’s true. As much as I talk about being ‘okay’ with ‘me’, there is a large part that isn’t. Maybe some of it has to do with my sexuality, maybe some has to do with not feeling attractive physically, maybe some even has to do with not feeling like an adult - but whatever it is, I’m being forced to deal with it here. I also realized that I spend a large amount of time trying to impress others in hopes of gaining their attention/approval/acceptance rather than just being myself and trusting they will like what they see. I still worry about what people think. Isn’t that ridiculous? Why should I care? And besides that, what’s with my ego thinking that everyone else is preoccupied with their feelings about me? Lol. When I let go of the need for approval of others I will truly be comfortable in my own skin.

The PC staff left around lunchtime and I decided to knock-off after than to continue the cleaning of my new place. I spent about 5 hours scrubbing the closets of my bedroom, wiping the walls, clearing the ceiling. I also finished the hallway, storage closet, all doors to all rooms and the toilet room (the toilet is separate from where you bathe). I moved some more stuff over and actually cooked dinner there. I skipped yoga cause I was tired and settled in for some 30Rock. Lyambezi stopped by and ended up watching a few episodes with me. I was pleasantly surprised to find him laughing at the same things I was. We then ended up having a conversation for about an hour. It was nice. He talked about when he went to the UK for a year of training and how he understands how I must feel being here. We even talked about personal growth and he understood the idea of life being challenging and always needing to move to the next level. I find myself slowly bonding with him and that helps to settle me even more.

Thursday, Feb. 14 - Saturday, Feb. 16:

Today the Regional Council (I’m still not exactly sure what they do specifically) was coming for a meeting at 10 and Lyambezi wanted me to be there to drop some bugs in their ears about things needed at the clinic. I was then taking off for Nkurenkuru to hike with Sarah to Rundu. I met with them very briefly and then changed clothes and headed to the hike point. Now…unless you have a guaranteed ride OUT of Mpungu, you are usually waiting for quite some time. I waited for about an hour before someone came along. The bonus was that Mark called. It was Valentine’s of course. As usual, it was great hearing his voice and catching up.

Got to Sarah’s in time for lunch but began to not feel well. My stomach was bothering me. I was surprised with a package from my friend Patty Hudepohl. And what a package it was! She went WAY overboard and I WAY appreciate it! Movies, candy, soap - even a battery operated Christmas Tree-like thing from IKEA!!!

We ate and then headed to get a hike. We waited only about 25 minutes and then climbed in the back of a closed combi along with 7 other people. I instantly knew we’d made a mistake. We were crammed into the very front, there was NO air flow and it reeked from body odor. The trip took longer because of the roads and it was extremely bumpy. I had to make a conscious effort for 2 solid hours to keep my lunch down. It was the worst experience of my life to date. There was no way I would have time to tell the driver to stop and crawl over all these people if my body decided right then and there that I was going to let go. When I’d close my eyes to make it better, I’d get vertigo from all the swerving. If I stared ahead at Sarah it made me car sick because I wasn’t facing forward. We were all sitting on a make shift bench in the back of this truck and so I couldn’t even sit straight up because of my height. Again, let me just say - WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. Far worse than even the explosive diarrhea in Grootfontein.

After the two hours of hell, I also needed to pee like you wouldn’t believe. After paying for the ride, I walked into a field to piss. Just as I unzipped and began to let go, I felt all these bites on my left foot. I looked down to see that I had stepped directly onto a fire ant hill. My foot was COVERED in ants there were all biting me at the same time. So as I tried to shake them off I ended up peeing all over myself. It was fun. I walked back across the street to tell Sarah what happened and it was then that my lunch decided to make an appearance. I ducked behind an abandoned garage and violently threw up. God I wish she had taken pictures of me.

With all that behind me, we touched base with Patrick and made our way to his house. We then ventured back out to grab some groceries for dinner and then settled in. I had forgotten my ear plugs and Patrick doesn’t own a fan, so I knew falling asleep would be difficult. Needless to say, after the day I had had, I was out like a light.

Friday Sarah and I had meetings with various organizations throughout the day - Nawa Life, Red Cross, RACOC, Ministry of Health and UMYA. It was very productive. When we were at RACOC he informed us that he had 100,000 dollars he needed to spend by the end of March with no proposals in sight. So (keep your fingers crossed), I am going to try and present a proposal to him in the next few weeks to get a fence for the garden project, money for tools, chairs for the HIV meeting room, a Fax machine for the clinic and a fridge for the rapid testing room. Here’s hoping.

We met up with Wendy, Stephanie and Justin who were also meeting people in Rundu. We had lunch with them at this great hole in the wall African restaurant. It was VERY authentic! We picked our food from various pots and ate with our hands. Then washed our hands in a communal bowl of dishwater when finished. The food was amazing!

We finished around 5. They headed back to site while Sarah and I figured out dinner. I also returned a blue tooth adapter and headphones that didn’t’ work. At Patrick’s I tried to figure out the new blue tooth USB adapter I had purchased (to no avail) and they played chess. We settled in for some Lost, then crashed.

Today (Sat.), Sarah and I headed into town to have breakfast at this wonderful little coffee shop called ‘Forget Me Not’ and then ran errands with Patrick (who met us there). I bought a non-stick skillet, plants for my flat (a guava and mango tree and a houseplant - it’s funny that things called ‘tropical houseplants’ in the states are the things that grow on the side of the road here, lol), a picture frame, a small sculpture, and hangers. We then headed to the PC office to use the internet. It was only working on one of the computers and Sarah was going to be there for quite some time, so I went and had lunch at the craft market and then caught a cab back to Patrick’s. We are making Chicken Korma for dinner and having a few people over…it should be fun. When Sarah is done at the TRC I’m going to head over there for my few hours on the net.

*emailed Saturday, Feb. 16

Sunday, Feb. 17 - Tuesday, Feb. 19:

Sunday Sarah and I decided to make it easier on John and Dinah and head into town early to do our grocery shopping and have them just meet us there. I sent Dinah a text and we headed out. We hit various stores to fill our quota and then sat down outside of OK to wait for them. Namibians think it’s very strange to see white people sitting on the ground. Sarah asked one lady why people were staring at us and she responded ‘because they think you are crazy’.

Dinah showed up and seemed irritated. Before even saying hello she said she had went to Patrick’s to pick us up. I asked if she had gotten my text and she said she didn’t check her phone until after getting there. She also looked at all our stuff and said there was a problem. They couldn’t return to Mpungu in their car, they had to leave it behind and use someone else’s. The other car was much smaller AND they were taking back two extra people. She informed Sarah and I that we would have to leave most of our stuff behind. That’s just great, lol. I had purchased houseplants, a non-stick pan, and other things in addition to my groceries. I remember that we had seen my supervisor in town the day before and so I texted him to see if he was still there. He was. He was having car problems and was at the mechanic. He wanted to know if I had $60 to pay the guy to fix his car. Now here’s the scoop with borrowing money in Namibia. It doesn’t exist. If someone asks you for money and you say you’ll loan it to them, it means you are giving it to them. The situation made me feel uncomfortable because my supervisor or people I work with are not supposed to be asking me for money. I make less than all of them. At the same time, I had contacted him to get a ride back so what do you do? I told him I was stuck at OK with my groceries and the next thing I know, he’s there. He asks again for the money and I say, okay, and try to make it clear to him that it’s a loan…that I am not giving it to him. He seems angry about that. He tells me we are going to leave late in the afternoon.

When Dinah comes out of the store, I inform her that I have made other arrangements in order to lighten the load for everyone else. She seems pleased and so they take me back to Patrick’s where I chill out for a bit. About an hour after being there, Dinah calls to tell me that they have room because one of the learners is not returning with them. So, I text my super to let him know that I now have a ride again and not to worry about me. After loading all my crap into the new car and heading out, Dinah gets a call from another VSO to see if we can take another person to Kahenge. So after all this, we are back to where we started from. You never realize how you take small things for granted - like just hopping in your car and going grocery shopping. Everything here is an ordeal.

So we re-arrange all the stuff in the back so the guy can squeeze in between all the packages. It was comical. I just kept worrying that my plants were going to get destroyed, lol. The trip back seemed to take forever and once we dropped off Sarah, I realized I had yet another bag of stuff at her place - I wasn’t leaving without it! Needless to say, we all made it back in one piece - including the plants! My afternoons back at site after spending time with other PCVs are fairly lonely. It’s coming off the high of being around people and then facing reality being back by myself. Damn I need to work through this.

Monday was the same ol’ same ol’ in the office. I did discuss the proposal to RACOC with Fanuel and Lyambezi and they had other ideas of things we could ask for.

Today was more of the same. I walked up to the school to sit in on the Life Skills class. I had met Mrs. Hamuteni a couple of weeks back and discussed the idea of me coming in and teaching some of the sex/sexuality and HIV/STD stuff when she reached that part in the text. I wanted to visit the class today to see how it is run and get a feel for what they need. It was my first experience inside a Namibian class room. All I have to say is that American youth take their education for granted. These kids don’t even get 40% of what kids in the states do. There is such a gap between education and learning here. It’s very sad. I instantly knew that I could teach a couple of the classes and make them fun and exciting. It should be fun. Why I didn’t join the Peace Corps. to teach instead of doing the health stuff, I’ll never know.

As I returned to the clinic, it dawned on me how much I was keeping to myself. What I mean by that is not venturing out every day and meeting new people and making introductions. Part of the reason is that that’s just not who I am and partly because I’m not completely comfortable with the language yet. So I asked Fanuel to make a radio announcement and hold a community meeting where I can introduce myself to as many people as possible and do some needs assessment. Needs assessment. It sounds so big business, lol. It would be nice to bond with some people so I can begin to hang out with them OUTSIDE of my flat.

Wednesday, Feb. 20:

Okay, so I’m beating a dead horse here but I’ve realized 3 things. 3 things that I am here to work on. 1. Learning to be okay being with just myself. 2. Letting go of being a control freak. 3. Learning commitment. Those are the things I am here for. Everything else I learn is just a bonus. How much am I supposed to suffer in order to grow though? If I am still miserable and lonely 6 months from now…do I continue to ‘stick’ it out in hopes of growth or is part of the growth accepting that my personality is not one that thrives in isolation? Is the acceptance of some part of myself that I may have not liked previously growth?

When I was returning to the clinic after my morning run, a gentleman starting yelling and running towards me. He informed me that the dog (Mukwetu…the one I had pseudo-adopted) was his. He then told me I should go ahead and keep the dog because she seemed very happy around me. He then proceeded to say that I should pay him 50 bucks FOR the dog. The dog that HE abandoned at the clinic. The dog that I have been feeding for 2 weeks. It was very difficult not to laugh. I told him that I did not have the money (which I don’t really) and that he should take the dog home. She was whining and very happy to see him actually. So I headed to my flat, but Mukwetu followed me. I put out her food and she looked at it and then walked away. WELL!! If you are going to be that picky about what you eat, then maybe you SHOULD return to your previous owner, lol. I will save my giant bag of dog food for the next stray that I try to adopt.

Today was a huge day at the clinic because the eye doctor who comes once a month was here. There were about 137 people lined up to get checked including about 30 learners from the secondary school. 4 girls kept staring at me and commenting and I just smiled back. Later in the morning, I noticed them hovering outside my office door. I told them to come on in and they did and just stood there. I asked if I could help them and they said they wanted to make an appointment to see me later that afternoon. I told them then didn’t need one and to just stop by.

I had decided to have lunch with Fanuel and Gideon somewhere in Mpungu. They had told me of a place (a ‘sort of’ restaurant) where I could buy food. I figured what better way to meet more people. I got a scoop of potato salad and rice on a plate that literally someone had just handed back to them and I had watched as the woman dropped it into a tub of dirty dishwater and then just wiped it off with a rag. It just makes me smile to think of the things we take for granted in the US. I realize I was very down on the US for the past couple of years but trust me…I LOVE my country. I LOVE it more having lived this short time in another one.

The girls stopped by as they said they would and then just sat on my bed (the only seating available in my office right now). I asked them what they wanted but they just giggled and looked at the ground. I just sat there and waited. Finally, one girl spoke up and asked me what she should do - she has 2 boyfriends and loves them both and doesn’t want to hurt either one. It was cute. I’m thinking to myself…hell, you have two and I haven’t gotten laid in 4 months! Lol. I gave her what I considered to be solid advice and then we were back to silence. Her eyes began to fill up with tears and she then asked me what she should do about her stepmother. She loves and respects her stepmother but is treated very badly by her. There is a lot of verbal abuse..nothing physical. From the conversation it seemed to me that the stepmother is jealous of the relationship this girl has with her father. What do you say? This girl is 18 and so in the states I would say, let it go, you’ll be leaving for college soon and won’t have to worry about it. That’s not the reality here. The reality is that she might be stuck with this woman for a very long time. I told her she needs to know that it’s not HER, that SHE is doing nothing wrong. The issue lies with the stepmother. That unfortunately this young girl is going to have to be the grown up and learn to tune out the verbal abuse. I told her to kill her stepmother with kindness. Ultimately the experience will make her stronger and if she takes the high road, she will always feel good about herself. I reminded her that she is a strong, confident, intelligent, beautiful young lady and that nothing anyone tells her should keep her from believing that. The entire time she was just weeping and it was VERY difficult for me to not cry as well. When I was finished, I asked if she understood what I had said and she said yes. I asked if I could give her a hug and she very reluctantly agreed. I may have been stepping over customary lines with the hug, but I didn’t give a shit. If the girl walks away and feels better. Feels as though 1 person understands her and accepts her, then it was worth it.

The other girls had a few questions about sex (of course) and then they were curious about me and if I was friends with any celebrities (since I’m from the US and we are ALL friends with celebrities). I assured them that I did not know 50 Cent personally and sent them on their way. Outside of planting gardens and starting income generating projects here in Mpungu…I realize that THIS is the reason I am here. To be an ear for the young (and possibly older) people. Could it be that I am very slowly (very, very, very slowly) figuring out my purpose?

Thursday, Feb. 21:

Today we had a community meeting scheduled to present a drama from the buddy group about PMTCT (pregnant mother to child transmission). It had been scheduled for 2 but the pastor felt that by that time most of the community would be drunk, so we should move it to noon. That’s Namibia for ya. It ended up starting at 12:30 and though I wanted to utilize about 10 minutes to introduce myself to them and speak a little bit about what I am doing here as PCV, I ended up talking to them for about an hour. They had questions - many of which I did not have the answers to. It was good though because later today when I was headed up to the school for dinner, a woman getting her hair braided said ‘Ngurova Chaz’, lol. The meeting ran until about 2:30 and by then my blood sugar had dropped. I went home for a quick lunch and then took a nap.

Dinner (fish cakes and pasta) and conversation was good. I returned to my flat and ran into Lyambezi who said he had been trying desperately to get a hold of me. He had heard I had a headache and had went to lie down and was worried I might have malaria. Awe..how cute.

Friday, Feb. 22 - Sunday, Feb. 24:

My supervisor left for 2 weeks this morning which on one side alleviates a certain amount of pressure and on another, really causes me to work on figuring out what to do during that time. I kinda like being on my own that way. I knocked off work early today in order to clean the spare room for Sarah. I am so excited she is coming here for the weekend. We truly have so much fun together and it causes those feelings of isolation to subside momentarily. I know they will eventually completely go away…I am just growing impatient with them. I ended up with enough time for cleaning and a round of yoga. She texted m to let me know the car she got a hike with caught on fire so they were on the side of the road pouring water onto the engine. I assumed this meant she was stranded but moments later she was on the road again.

Friday night we made lentil burgers and played cards (I introduced her to Spite & Malice) and got a little goofy. I basically got tipsy on some brandy and 7-up which only increased the hilarity of the evening.

Saturday we slept in, made pancakes and read for a bit. After lunch Alex and Christine came down to get their mail, help m with my Bluetooth connection on my PC (to no avail) and hang out a bit. Around 2:30 the power went out. It did not come on the rest of the day - so watching a movie was out of the question. We found our own fun though… Dinner was a salad and cold, refried beans. We then played around with the camera - taking photos with low aperture settings while we danced around with my headlamp and battery operated Christmas lights. We are freaks.

Sunday the electric was still off so breakfast consisted of fruit cocktail (from a can), some leftover banana chips and bread…..YUM! We broke out Othello and played a few games. After a good 45-minute run we had lunch and then headed out to the hike point. After 2 hours and fear of lightening, we decided to call it quits and figured she’d find a ride the next day. While we had been waiting though we had entertained ourselves (and a few locals awaiting rides) by singing via her ipod.

On the walk back, a car past that was heading to her site so WA-LA, she had her ride home. The rest of the day after I leave her place or she mine, gets very lonely. One thing I have gotten in touché with this weekend is that I’m not good with solitude. That’s the bottom line. Solitude. It’s something I think most people seek out in life but for me, it’s very uncomfortable. It amplifies all the other negative feelings that pop up - my insecurities, my homesickness, my questions of purpose. I thought that doing yoga and meditating every day would help to alleviate it, but it hasn’t. Or at least not to the point that I can recognize there has been a shift. I’m going to start chanting to see if that will help. Why would a 40-year old man be afraid of solitude????????

Monday, Feb. 25:

I don’t get many things right the first time, in fact, I am told that a lot. Now I know all the wrong turns and stumbles and falls brought me here. And where was I before the day, that I first saw your lovely face. Now I see it every day. And I know…that I am…I am….I am, the luckiest. What if I’d been born, 50 years before you, in a house, on the street where you live. Maybe I’d be outside as you past on your bike, would I know? And then I’d see your eyes, I’d see one pair that I recognize. And I’d know...that I am….I am….I am, the luckiest. I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you. Next door, there’s an old man who lived to his 90s and one day, past away, in his sleep. And his wife, she stayed for a couple of days and past away. I’m sorry, I know that’s a strange way to tell you that I know we belong. That I know…that I am….I am….I am, the luckiest.

Those are the lyrics to ‘The Luckiest’ by Ben Folds. The song has been stuck in my head most of the day. Not sure whether it’s making me think of Mark, or myself, or Namibia or what. But it’s in my head. Download and listen to it. It’s haunting and moving and well…STUCK in my head.

Today I worked on the Rukwangali textbook, starting working on a proposal to get supplies for the garden, received confirmation that we can proceed forward with the project by NamWater, and putzed around my office. I did have a visit by a young man who wants me to help him with his resume. He’s applying to the ministry of defense at a navigator. I’m not sure why he thought I could help him nor am I sure it necessarily falls in my job description (lol), but…it is community service. If I can help this young kid get a good job and make his way out of this desolation, then hey, it’s what I’m here for.

90 minutes of yoga, 30 minutes of meditation and a walk and I’m settling in for the night. Pasta anyone?

Tuesday, Feb 26:

Karel came by the office for me to help him with his resume. He seems like such a good kid with a solid head on his shoulders, I hope this helps him get into a more stable job. We talked about Mpungu and he mentioned how bored he was with this place (a man after my own heart, lol), so I invite him over to watch a movie with me later tonight. Maybe this is the first real friend I will make here and help to alleviate some of the loneliness.

I worked on language for a couple of hours - I have decided to incorporate that into each day. I also had Fanuel make a radio announcement to get all the support groups together tomorrow because I needed to discuss updates about the garden with them. I also met with the Red Cross representative from Rundu along with Fanuel to discuss how things are going with counseling. I offered him some suggestions and reminded him how important it is that we get rapid testing here ASAP. He is all about it, so hopefully by June.

For some reason at the end of the day I had entered a funk that I couldn’t snap out of. I had the phone in my hand and was getting ready to place a call to VSN. VSN is Volunteer Support Network and is a group of current PCVs who have had some training in listening and counseling. They are here for the rest of the PCVs who may have trouble with loneliness, homesickness, etc. I’ve talked a lot of my shit out with Sarah, but thought it might be nice to speak to someone who has been here a year. I decided to do yoga and chant for a bit and that seemed to bring me out of it. I then checked Facebook and found a message from my friend Doug Dickenson. He brought up a point to me that seemed so obvious that I feel really stupid that I didn’t figure it out myself. He said that he noticed in my journal entries that this experience seemed to be ‘all about me’. At first I was like, well, of course it is. I came here for growth. To stretch myself. He then said…Peace Corps is all about service to others. It’s about giving of yourself completely in volunteerism. DUH! I have been so focused on what I am learning, how I am growing, how I am changing, that I have lost the real focus for being here - to serve others and humanity. It seemed so simple…so right under my nose…but I couldn’t see it. Well, needless to say I felt a shift internally. I’m hoping this is the shift I’ve been looking for. It’s not to say that I still won’t get lonely…won’t get homesick…won’t get bored with nothing to do...that will all still happen at times. But then I’ll remind myself why I am here and hopefully that will continue to bring me out.

Karel came by around 8 and we watched X-Men 2. He said he has seen the first and third, but not this one. It was nice to hang out with someone, even though the conversation was brief. He did say something I thought was strange…he asked me if I knew any famous people (actors) personally. I said no. He said that he didn’t like them. He said that they all had something wrong with their heads. I laughed and asked why he thought that. He said that they all ‘take the cocaine’ and are not responsible. Lol. You can see the type of news he receives about American here in Namibia. I assured him that not all actors, musicians and hip-hop artists are drug users, but he was not convinced. Kept saying ‘I don’t like them’. I chose not to mention that I was taking acting classes or had a desire to be on TV someday.

Wednesday, Feb. 27:

I’m beginning to hate the days where I have to take the Mefloquine. This medication is so friggin’ toxic and I always end up with a fever the next day. Guess it’s better than the alternative, right?

I worked on the textbook for awhile today and then had a meeting with the support group, ELCIN AIDS Action, TCE, and the buddy group. I needed to talk to them about the current status of the garden and to have them elect a committee to be in charge of organization. The meeting went well and after 2 hours, we had our committee and our next meeting scheduled. I then returned to my flat, did some yoga, wrote some letters, and settled in for a movie.

Thursday, Feb. 28 - Friday, Feb. 29:

Thursday consisted of a little of this and a little of that, with me working from home - working mainly on Rukwangali. Fanuel stopped by at one point to ask my help with creating a line graph that will show the consistency of people coming in for pre- and post-test counsel

Tuesday, Jan. 1 - Wednesday, Jan. 2:

New Years Day was spent mainly relaxing. We had our secret Santa gift exchange which was fairly uneventful. Most of us had already given gifts to our prospective persons. I have been waiting for a package from the US that contains the gift for mine. So I wrote them a note stating as such. Did some yoga, ate some food, played some video games and then ended the night the best possible way - watching Love Actually on the big screen.

Yeah, January 2nd, Happy Birthday to me! Today started out nice. Had some language, then some more training, was able to get to the internet and send off the journal and catch up on emails. We had one-on-one interviews with our APCDs and language trainers today to discuss how we perceive ourselves compared to how they see us. My interview seemed to last quite awhile but was very positive. I am pretty good about judging myself and determining whether I excel or need work in particular areas. My strengths and weaknesses according to me, matched their assessment. They were very complimentary of my leadership during the workshop and how I have carried myself throughout the training in general. So I left feeling really good.

Came back to my room and worked on some Rukwangali for a bit. Wendy texted me to see if I was up for yoga. I said yes and finished up what I was doing on the computer. I then headed down to yoga, leaving Jay in the room by himself. When I returned from yoga about an hour later, I discovered my cell phone and headphones were gone. I searched the room completely and finally realized they had been stolen. I KNOW it wasn’t one of my roommates, but I also realize that they have a tendency to leave the door open and leave when no one is in the room. I’ve come back plenty of times to find the door open and no one around. It just REALLY REALLY sucks because I was waiting on birthday phone calls from the states which now of course I’ll never get. It also means that I’m out all that money for the phone AND have to purchase another one WITH a new phone number.

I had to file a police report because of the incident. I remember when I was talking to Linda the director that I had seen a young boy, around 12 years of age, walking around upstairs earlier that day. I didn’t think anything about it because I never really know who is here that belongs here or not. But I have a feeling it was him. My digital camera was laying out, along with my watch and yet those weren’t taken. He or whomever, obviously walked in rather quickly and just saw it laying there in a pile with the headphones and figured he could shove it in his pocket. I just hate theft. It’s SUCH a violation. Not the best way to end my birthday, that’s for sure.

Thursday, Jan. 3:

I am officially sick of being sick. I feel as though I have been ill more in the past 2 months than I have the past 2 years. I don’t know if it’s the constant stress we are under (or that I put myself under) or it’s living in one condition for a week then another or the change in water or food or what!!!??!?! But it seems as though at least once every 10 days I get a sick headache and throw up. It never quite feels like the flu - there is no malaise or chills - so I have written off anything serious. I just hate being sick. It ruins the whole day for me. Most medicines usually make me nauseous so I end up not taking anything and just riding it through. I’m going to give it a few more weeks, after settling into my site a bit, and see if things change. If not, I’m going to contact my PCMO and consider whether it might be the malaria medication that is doing something to me. It’s the only ‘constant’ that I can put my finger on.

Today was another boring day going over policy and rules. I realize they have to drill this into our heads so we have no excuse for not knowing what to do in a given situation, but I’m just over it. Tomorrow we begin our first day of the 2 day workshop the healthies are putting on for the educator. Tomorrow night we have a talent show which should be fun. I’m usually more excited about ‘performing’ but with all that is going on - phone, sick, etc. - I am unmotivated to do anything. We’ll see if I end up putting anything together for it. You know I feel bad if I am not interested in being center of attention, lol.

Thursday, Jan. 3 - Friday, Jan. 4:

Yesterday we had language and then pretty much had the day to ourselves except for one-on-one interviews with Philomena and Selma. My interview went very well. We were given self-evaluation forms in order to judge where we thought we were in regards to training. I am pretty good with self-evaluation sort of things and so I completed mine very honestly. We had to rate specific areas on a scale of 1 to 3. For the most part I gave myself 3s and 2s but there was one questions about ‘how well do you work with ambiguity’ in which I gave myself a 1. Ambiguity is NOT one of my strong points - I deal much better with specifics. You tell me how to do something a particular way, I’ll do it that way. If you come back and tell me you wanted it done differently, that doesn’t work for me. Their evaluation of me matched mine pretty much to the point. They said they were very proud of me and had no doubt I was capable of being a valuable asset to the Mpungu community. It made me feel very good and helped to alleviate any doubts that may still be lingering in the back of my skull.

Today the healthies began their workshop for the educators. Sarah and I were going to do stigma and stereotypes at 2. She informed me the night before that she had to go to Windhoek this morning to be seen by the doctor - she hadn’t been feeling well for quite some time. Well, she didn’t make it back before our session and I hadn’t prepared ANYTHING for it cause she told me she had it under control. The one thing you CANNOT do in this country or with the Peace Corp in general, is assume. I ended up having to do the class myself and I pulled it right out my butt. What was good about that experience is that now I know I can fly by the seat of my pants and it will still work out. I relaxed the rest of the day, doing some laundry and working on Rukwangali. Monday we have our final LPIs for language and we have to test ‘intermediate low’, lol. Basically, being able to say things that we see in the room and give people directions to a destination.

Tomorrow night is a talent show and initially Sarah and Obie were going to work on a script for Emily and I. That never transpired, but I still wanted to perform. I know I mentioned the other day that I wasn’t in the mood be on stage, but that has changed. I asked Sarah if she was willing to do something with me and she agreed. We’ve decided to lipsync (which my friends know I LOVE to do). We are going to be Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson and perform ‘To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before’. It’s going to be a RIOT! I’m going to dedicate the performance to Naz, cause she and I karaoked? the song at a bar in Cincinnati.

Saturday, Jan. 5:

I spent most of the day doing some prep work for my LPI on Sunday - so I skipped the meat of the health sessions. I did go to Emily and Kengo’s for a bit to help them out with STIs. The day seemed to stretch on and on. Eventually, I met up with Sarah so we could practive for our number in the talent show. Had dinner at 6 and then everyone spent time getting ready.

I have to say, that this night, above all others, is the most fun I’ve had since I entered the country. We had such a variety of ‘acts’ - from singing and slam poetry to ‘the robot’ and lip sinking. I haven’t laughed so hard in the last 2 months. Some people sang songs we knew but had changed the words to be Nam27 appropriate. Others read poetry they had written - really, deep stuff - it was amazing. My and Sarah’s went off beautifully and everyone just roared with laughter. Even the Namibians! Every act, regardless of the content, received lots of applause and reaction. It was as though not only did people enjoy watching, but they were also supporting each person who went up. It was a true bonding moment.

Willie and Julio

Afterwards, Griff and Eric and planned a ‘tailgate’ party to celebrate some football team making it’s way to the Super Bowl (I suck at sports, so I don’t even know honestly if they were talking about that or the World Series). They grilled kabobs, chicken and green beans. We played music and everyone danced and hung out. Though it was a festive evening and I did enjoy it, I found myself being a bit melancholy. I was looking around at the friendships that have formed since I was here and wondered exactly how close they were. I’ve made some friends, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t feel I’ve bonded with someone on such a level that I feel completely connected. Now maybe no one feels that way yet, I don’t know. But I found myself wondering why. Is it because I’m pretty guarded and it takes me awhile to get really close to someone? Is it because I haven’t ‘connected’ with someone on a personal level yet? Like I don’t feel I have someone here that I could completely confide in and lean on. Again, I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels that way. I have to say though, it makes one feel very alone and when you are dealing with everything involved in the PC, being alone only intensifies the emotion. This is my obstacle to overcome while here. Like I’ve said before…I have handled everything Africa has thrown my way, but the ‘aloneness’ is a live animal that is continually gnawing away at my stomach. I hope I look back at my journal entries 3-4 months from now and wonder how the hell I could have ever felt this way.

Sunday, Jan. 6 - Wednesday, Jan. 9:

The last 4 days have been sort of a blur, so I will try to remember and piece together my life a bit. Sunday we had our LPIs which are our language final oral exams before heading off to site. They wanted people to score at least an intermediate low, otherwise they’d be required to have a tutor at the site. I, of course, scored an intermediate low. Only a handful of people did. I did NOT study for it at all, so I am very happy with the results. Other than that, I just chilled all day and then watched a movie in the evening.

Monday continued with the LPIs and then we had a few trainings - our final trainings - in the afternoon. It was more of a question and answer session for any last minute details we needed to know before heading out. After dinner in the evening, some people headed to the river bed to chill out, sort of a final get together. I wasn’t feeling well, had a headache, so I stayed back and went to bed early. I do have a sad story to share though. I may or may not have mentioned Skylla’s dog Libby, the cute little puppy she had when I was staying with her in Divundu while shadowing Paul. Remember? Well, I was told Libby had died, had been bitten and eaten by a black mamba. I am definitely NOT in Kansas any more. How often does anyone in the states loose their dog to a snake?

Where’s the Gap?

Tuesday was quite the adventure. This was our big shopping day in Windhoek, the capital. I had no idea what to expect because I’ve spent 2 months in the small town of Okahandja and of course, even smaller villages during other parts of the training. Well, arriving in Windhoek, I felt like I was back in the states. I could literally have been in some big city in Florida or southern California. The architecture was current, the buildings were more than 1 story. They took us to two malls in order for us to buy things we needed for our sites. What’s difficult about doing this is that 1. Our settling in allowance of 2500 did not get into our accounts in time and 2. Until you live in a place a week or two, it’s difficult to know exactly what you are going to need to make it feel like home. I needed to buy a phone, running shoes and a guitar. I had a few other things on my list, but those were the most important.

Have I mentioned that I am going to learn to play the guitar while here? An even better story is the following: back when I first got here, I was offered to buy a guitar from Luke, a 25er who was getting ready to COS. I hee’d and haw’d for a day or 2 and then he ended up selling it to Seth. I was upset, but it was my own fault for not acting sooner. Well, last week, Seth was sent home (or ET’d = early termination) for his drinking. Yes, you can be ‘fired’ from the Peace Corp if they feel your behavior is culturally offensive. I loved Seth. He and I were becoming good friends, BUT, he does have a problem with alcohol and I do believe him being back in the states is a good thing. He was also the guy who was mugged in Grootfontein during CBT. Well, anyways, he came to me and offered to sell me the guitar (him knowing I wanted one badly) and said he was ONLY selling it to me. I checked my money situation and came up with a solution that he agreed to. 2 nights later, he informs me that Nick, another PCV, already paid him and took the guitar. I was pissed. 1. Because he offered it to me first and 2. Because I purposely did not ask him for it because he was leaving. So I was upset with both of them for a couple of days. Yes, 10 weeks after being here I can still be a whiney baby J

Well, our first stop in the capital was the PC office to meet some more of the staff. As I was entering the building I ran into Patrick. I’m sure I’ve mentioned him. The 25er who is extending for a 3rd year and will be stationed in Rundu as the Kavango gang’s PC leader. So, he comes up to me and asks if I got his text message the day before. I informed him that I had not because my phone had been stolen. He says, ‘I got you a guitar’. I’m like, what? He tells me another 25 who was COS’ing (that’s ‘close of service’) had one and was just leaving it behind, so Patrick snagged it for me. It’s such a lesson in not only patience but also in ‘everything happens for a reason’. Those times I was pissy cause I missed out on actually buying a guitar and here I ended up with a free one 2 days before I leave for site. I cannot tell you how happy that made my entire day.

On the road again…

Okay, now back to the ‘mall’. It was very surreal to walk into an actual ‘mall’ filled with stores of clothing, household goods, music and video games and even a Virgin Active gym! To think I’m here to serve people who have absolutely NO money and barely exist and yet there are those living in the same country with money enough to spend on throw pillows. I realize to an extent that this exists in the states as well, but here it is so blatant.

We’ve been instructed all along to spend our settling in allowance on things to make our place ‘homey’. I mean, we are going to be living in our places for 2 years, so why not make it as comfortable as possible. I found myself in a dilemma once again. There was a part of me that feels I should live just as everyone around me is living. But the truth is, I’m not. I have a really nice, clean and spacious 1 room flat with electricity and running water. The majority of the people in my village live in huts with none of those things. So I’m walking around in these stores, wanting to buy decorative votive holders and throw rugs to make my place MINE and yet a part of me joined to Peace Corp to see how simply I could exist. I really wanted to only purchase ‘necessities’ over the next 2 years. So the struggle began and though I’m still internalizing how I feel about it all, I decided that all the challenges I face just being here (from the language to the heat) is enough in itself. If I have the opportunity to make myself a little more comfortable by buying a fern printed shower curtain (N$79 at Mr. Price Home), then I’m going to do it. I did however put back the decorative votive holders because I had previously thought I could make my own by recycling aluminum cans.

When all was said and done I had bought a comforter (they say it’s going to get down to 40 degrees this winter…brrrr), a colander, can opener, fern printed shower curtain, bath mat, computer speakers, a new yoga mat, headphones (to replace the stolen ones), a sleeping bag (when I crash at other PCV’s places), a headlamp (for avoiding black mambas when walking at night), 2 cereal bowls (on sale 2 for one), 2 plates (same deal as the bowls) and a Leatherman (like a Swiss army knife but better). I do have to purchase other things like pots, pans, spoon, fork, knife and other cooking related paraphanalia but I will wait until I am settled for about a week to see what I really need. I do want a lamp to read by because the fluorescents overhead will give me a headache. I also plan on putting up some shelving in the kitchen and bathroom, creating a type of room divider to separate my bedroom from the kitchen, having a bookshelf built for storage, buying some philodendron to livin’ up the place and a hammock for my veranda (yes, I have a veranda).

Today we had our swearing in to officially become Peace Corp volunteers. Personally, I’ve never NOT felt like one. They kept using terms like PC trainee throughout the past 10 weeks but it never rang true for me. There was a small reception afterwards and then 58 of the 69 of us left were heading to site directly afterwards. It was sad to see everyone leave and yet, you could see the excitement in people’s eyes that they finally get to settle in and begin their PC experience. I’m glad I had one more day to chill, pack (and I have a ton of shit somehow) and get a good night’s sleep. Those of us left did a braai with some veggies and goat meat and now we are thinking of walking to the riverbed for one last hurrah. See, we won’t ever be back in Okahandja for the most part. All our future trainings are in Windhoek or just outside of. So, it’s sort of like saying goodbye to summer camp. I will miss my friend and the first few weeks at my site are going to be an adjustment, but my head is on straight now and I think it will be easier than before. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll have my dark nights and you’ll definitely hear about them.

The boys from room 26.

Thursday, Jan. 10 - Friday, Jan. 11:

All packed and ready for the 11 hours of driving to get to my site. We were scheduled to leave around 9. Needless to say (and true to form in Namibian time) we didn’t drive away from Okahandja until around 1:40. Trust me, I wasn’t looking forward arriving and unpacking my stuff around midnight. I then discovered, that the driver had not intended on taking me all the way to Mpungu. That I was supposed to ride in the other vehicle with 3 other people that left 30 minutes before. It didn’t even make sense. After looking at him rather strangely he told me not to worry about it, that he would make sure I make it there tonight. I KNEW I wouldn’t but I kept saying ‘Ihn’ which is ‘yes’ in Rukwangali.

We arrived in Nkurenkuro to drop Sarah off at exactly 11 pm. I was in NO shape physically or mentally to make the remainder of the 40 minute drive to my site and then unload my stuff. Oh, did I mention that my supervisor wasn’t even there! When I contacted him about the key to my place, he informed me he was on holiday until the end of the month. The American in me wanted to shout ‘hey buddy, you’ve known for 6 weeks that you needed to find me transport to my site and now you are on vacation and can’t be bothered?!?!?!?’ But I kept those thoughts in my head and returned to the place that reminds me how the PC expects us to be ‘flexible’. Needless to say, I spent the night in Nkurenkuro with Sarah and crashed.

Today, I got up and called my super again to find out the situation - yesterday, he had stated that the drive would pick me up around 10 am. It’s not 6 pm. My super is nowhere to be found and the drive hasn’t arrived or called. Levy, the drive from yesterday, hasn’t brought up taking me to Mpungu at all and though Sarah has mentioned it to him, he seems uninterested in aiding me in my quest. My super said earlier that he was headed this way but then going to the bush, NOT going to Mpungu. I’m like, what the hell - couldn’t you pick me up and drop me off on the way? Wouldn’t’ you think he’d want to make sure his volunteer for the next two years was settling into his place? I’m thinking at this point that I’ll be spending yet another night with Sarah. I suppose I have 2 years to work on my patience when it comes to some of the cultural differences I’m going to face in communication.

By the way, this is Sarah.

Saturday, Jan. 12:

It was a great morning - hanging out with Sarah, then doing some shopping to pick up a few more things for my site. I was holding off on a lot of kitchen type things because Sarah’s supervisor bought her a ton of stuff and I didn’t want to show up at my place and my super has done the same. When we were leaving the grocery, low and behold I ran into my super. He seemed very pleased to see me and he was on his way to his farm for the rest of the month. I don’t quite see him as a farmer but, oh well. The driver was also with him and so after some greetings, Samuel drove us to Sarah’s where we loaded up the truck with my stuff and headed to Mpungu.

I was actually excited on the drive. Anxious a little too, but excited just the same. Upon arrival, I looked at my phone and noticed there were no bars. This made me nervous. Had the reports about Mpungu having cell reception been wrong? So then I head to my door with a handful of stuff and first notice there are no burglar bars installed. That is priority number 1 with PC. I took a deep breath and entered my flat….only to realize it was in the exact same condition as when I left it 6 weeks before. No stove, a fridge that doesn’t shut properly thus not cooling anything AND stocked with a nest of roaches, a shower that doesn’t have hot water, the corroded drain pipe of the bathroom sink still leaking, the missing door on the kitchen cabinet still missing and the toilet tank continually refilling. I have to admit that I freaked out a bit at first. I mean, my supervisor is gone till the end of the month so what am I supposed to do? How do I cook? How do I keep my stuff cold and frozen and roach free? And hell, what would I cook with if I did have something to do so? And after all the cold baths I took for the month in Grootfontein, I wasn’t looking forward to a cold shower.

After whining a bit to myself and also to Helena (my counterpart and a nurse) I settled into some cleaning. I spent the next 5 hours scrubbing the shower stall (you should see it, you could eat off of it now), cleaning out some of the cabinets, scrubbing walls and the inside of my closet. It felt good - oddly enough - to do this and while doing it, I kept thinking of things I want to do to make my place a home. I’m definitely getting a hammock for the back porch and LOTS of plants. I also plan on putting up shelves and hell, if I can get away with it - PAINT!!! It currently is a very drab yellow and if I don’t want to end up slitting my wrists during the next 2 years, I MUST throw some color on these walls.

Seriously, you could eat here now.

Helena brought me a hotplate that sort of works and by 7 I had everything put in it’s place. I put on my new tennis shoes and went for a run. It felt VERY good to actually exercise - it’s been months ya know. I stopped by to introduce myself to the VSOs at the school and noticed Alex and Christine were home so visited them for a bit instead. His parents are here visiting so I met them as well. After a downpour of rain (oh, did I mention it hasn’t stopped raining in days up here in the Kavango?), I jogged the rest of the way home. Cooked a few veggie dogs on my hotplate (I feel like I’m back in college), showered and sat down to journal.

Martha would be proud.

Now, I’m back to that dilemma - do I have a right to gripe about the things above and demand they be fixed? With people around me living in huts and barely having enough to eat…do I gripe? It’s a fine line because I can’t imagine taking cold showers for the next 2 years especially during Africa’s winter. It may not snow here but I hear it gets damn cold! I sent a text message to my APCD and she said Benna would contact the appropriate people on Monday. I can live with all of it for a bit and maybe even learn to work around it all…I just want to be able to make banana bread J

The loneliness is going to take some getting used to. Once I integrate a bit and meet some people, I’ll find other things to do but being holed up here by myself tonight is sort of rough. I’m hoping it fades. I mean, it’s not the sinking gut feeling I had when I was first here so that’s a good sign. I need to approach the entire experience from a Buddhist point of view and just ‘be’ - but THAT is something I will have to work on!

Sunday, Jan. 13 - Tuesday, Jan. 15:

Sunday was such a long day. I’m sure everyone (as well as myself) is getting tired of me complaining. I keep trying to approach this experience from different angles because I keep doubting my reasons for being here. I really do want to challenge myself and grow as a person, but I sometimes think that I was looking more for a spiritual journey and less for an altruistic mission. Does that even make sense? It’s not that what I’m doing isn’t spiritual, it’s just that my performance anxieties are continually at the forefront of my mind. If I had just decided to travel for a year, exploring the world and myself, I think I would be more at ease. Being here and having to accomplish something or somethings adds a certain pressure. I realize that the life I had made for myself in Cincinnati was designed to avoid a lot of ‘pressure’. I had an easy job, worked at my own pace, had time to explore other interests and was basically in control. I am putting such an extra amount of stress on myself - I just don’t know how to stop doing that. On one hand I know that the people here will be completely happy if the only thing I do in the next 2 years is plant a garden. That would be enough for them because it’s more than they could accomplish on their own. Being the over-achiever/perfectionist that I am, I want to do so much more. God I need to stop. Even as I’m writing this, I’m getting pissed off at myself. How much of what I am feeling is just me or is a lot of it what most PCVs experience? Some of my fellow comrades just seem so ‘excited’ to be here and though I have moments where I feel ‘honored’ to be here…I’m not sure if I’ve reached the excited stage yet. It’s funny how every minute of my day was filled with something back in the states and here it’s completely empty…nothing but me and my thoughts and those seem to keep spewing out of me into this journal. Please bear with.

Back to Sunday. I went for a run then decided to attend church. Now I haven’t set foot inside a ‘religious’ building in many years, so this was quite a leap. I figured it was a good way to meet people and aid the integration process. Well, 3 hours of a Lutheran sermon in Rukwangali would make most people apply a sharpened piece of steel to their carotid, but I muddled through. Near the end, the HIV counselor from the clinic leaned up to me and asked if I wanted to be introduced and to say a few words. Of course my initial reaction was HELL NO, but I settled down quickly and said ‘sure’. The pastor motioned me up front and I said a few words in the local language (all that I could pull out of my head in the moment) and then spoke in English with a translator. I basically introduced myself and gave some reasons for being there.

After the service, I talked a bit with Andreas who is in charge of the Elcin Aids Action group. They are a home-based health care group for people with HIV. We talked about the garden (which is already under way to my surprise) and spoke a bit about home visits. I plan on shadowing him over the next few months to see what they are about and to meet the people they take care of. Out of that will come some ideas I’m sure of how I can strengthen their group.

Later on I did an hour and a half of yoga followed by an hour of meditation. I will have to do that EVERY day because it got me to a centered place that I haven’t connected with since entering Namibia. Maybe if I look at this entire experience as a long Zen retreat with the bonus of having things to do on the side, it will help me get through it. Damn, is that how I am approaching PC as something I need to just get through?

I was pleasantly brought out of my trance by a phone call from Steve. It was SO good to hear his voice and catch up. It’s funny to me that back in the states I HATED talking on the phone - HATED IT! Here I welcome the opportunity to connect with the US. I think part of my problem with feeling alone here is that I feel a million miles away from friends and family - when actually, I could be home within 24 hours if need be. Again, it’s my mind f’n with me.

Steve’s phone call was followed by one from Dave - between the meditation and the phone, it was the best few hours I’ve had in quite some time.

Monday was my first day on the ‘job’ though my super isn’t here for 2 more weeks. I basically have to find things to do until then. I decided to sit in on the HIV counselor while he did pre/post-test and couples counseling. He seems qualified and the people seem to trust him but I felt there was something missing. This could be me not understanding the culture yet. Some of the stuff he did he was literally reading right from a small book that contained chapters on what to say if someone is negative, positive, etc. I’m hoping to maybe change a little of how that works. I asked him about my office and we searched for a key to no avail. He said I’d have to wait until Lyambezi returns. I would SO much like to get in the space and start cleaning and figure out what I need to make it mine. We are also going to help one another with language.

I got a text from Christine that they were headed to Nkurenkuru for a Braai at Scot and Lindsey’s around 3 and did I want to come. Of course I did. It was good to see them but also to catch up with Sarah even though it’s been just a few days. I also got to meet the VSOs from England - Dinah and John. They seem very cool and it’s nice to have 2 more people I can hang with out here in Mpungu. If I have social events such as this to look forward to on occasion, it will definitely help with the loneliness. It just takes me SO long to open up to people and let them in. With the language and cultural barrier I wonder if I will ever feel comfortable here. Will I ever truly make friends…

Today, Tuesday has just been more of the same. Add to that, that I tried to make chakalaka and chapatis in one skillet on one burner on a hotplate. It was truly adventurous and didn’t turn out too badly.

Wednesday, Jan. 16:

Well, today was a little bit better. I HOPE that’s a good sign and not just that I’ve gone mental in the past 24 hours and can’t distinguish between reality and what’s in my head. It was raining this morning so I didn’t go for a run, which was just as well. I really wasn’t in the mood to do it anyways. Went and hung out with the counselor for a bit. It’s been interesting watching the young people (early 20s) come in for pre-test counseling. One one hand they are so ‘non-chalant’ about being tested for HIV - as if it’s the most routine thing in the world. People I know back home FREAK about getting tested. Second, when it comes to talking about sex and sexual activity, it’s like they are in the dark ages. And these girls coming in at 19 and 20…pregnant. It’s like they have nothing else to do after school but start a family.

After a few clients today, I asked about sex education here in Mpungu. He said there wasn’t any. I asked if he talked with his clients about other forms of sex (ie. Oral, masturbation, etc.) besides just intercourse and he said he didn’t. Of course my mind started turning. I asked if he thought, that if I had an ‘open door’ policy in my office for people to come and ask/discuss ANYTHING with me ESPECIALLY stuff about sex, that it would be a good thing. His eyes lit up and he said YES. So yet another project for me to do. I also showed him an area that I had discovered yesterday that I thought would make a good spot for an orchard - to grow fruits for the children at the hostel next to the clinic. He was all for that. We went over a few words in Rukwangali and then I came back to study.

I worked on my language for a bit and then did my 90 minute yoga followed by 1 hour of meditation routine. I seriously need to do that every day. I feel so good inside and out. During yoga, while I was in downward dog, I noticed the counselor outside my door. He must have been standing there for quite some time but not wanting to disturb me, he remained silent. I asked if he needed anything and he said yes. I paused the tape and went to the door. There was a young girl with him. He tells me she wanted to meet me. I said, okay. I introduced myself and she to me. She then says ‘I just wanted to meet you cause the counselor told me you are going to be talking about how to have sex’. It was hard not to laugh out loud. I said, well, yes. I plan on having an office and if anyone wants to talk about sex, has questions regarding it, etc., they are free to stop by and see me anytime. Her eyes lit up. I told her to tell all her friends as well. I think I’m going to be inadvertently starting a sexual revolution in Mpungu. But seriously, if the only concept of sex they have is penetration, they need some education. The whole conversation made me realize that I was put at this site for a reason and I should definitely stick it out.

Thursday, Jan. 17 - Friday, Jan. 18:

It was raining this morning do I didn’t manage to go for a run before work. Today I got to meet a few of the people in the home-based health care group AND people in the HIV+ support group. They have meetings once a month. Via the translator I was able to hear some of their complaints about clients and about projects - especially the garden. I realized very quickly that a lot of my initial work with the groups is to get them organized. They are somewhat flailing. Their hearts are in the right place and they are all eager to lend a hand, they just need a little direction. For example…one thing they complained about was that some of their clients (HIV+ ones) are found to be drunk when they arrive to cook for them or drop off medication. It bothers them that they aren’t taking better care of themselves. Well, I said why don’t we put them on a warning system. If you show up once and they are drunk, that’s one warning. If it happens again, they are put on suspension for 30 days. That’s 30 days without any help from the group. If you return after that and they’ve cleaned up their act, they go back on the list. If not, that slot is filled with someone who is looking out for themselves and can use the care. Now, that may seem kinda harsh. But when your resources are extremely limited and the helping hands are few, you have to focus your attention on those who are willing to be somewhat responsible. They actually LOVED the idea. It seemed so obvious to me. What I’m realizing is these people are so down-trodden and have NO self-esteem. I definitely have to take the role of ‘morale booster’ for the next 2 years to lift them up.

Scary, isn’t it?

The rest of the day was spent with language, yoga and then heading to the VSOs for dinner. Dinah and John were making pizza for us. It was great to hang out, socialize and eat some REALLY good (surprisingly so) pizza. With real feta cheese!!! Trust me when I say, it’s the small things. I hung out until around 9, borrowed some movies and a book and headed back to my site. Have I mentioned that it’s like monsoon season here and has been raining constantly. It’s nice cause it cools everything down and the ‘green’ is abundant once again. Let me just say though, that I thought I was having a biblical experience when I got down to the valley. There seemed to be a billion frogs on the road and in the marshes mating. The noise was amazing. I wanted to just lie down in the road and listen and stare at the stars and if I wasn’t so afraid of being bitten by an ‘ezoka’ (snake) I would have. It was surreal. Thank God I had my headlamp or I would have squashed several couples in the throws of made love.

Fridays are going to be great days because we end early, lol. Things at the clinic wind up around 1 and I think that’s when my supervisor is usually going to head off to Rundu. I met with the counselor a bit, though we had no clients, and worked on Rukwangali. He found me a ride to Nkurenkuru with a teacher (which ended up costing me 20 bucks, which is no big deal). Another project idea came to mind. On Fridays, I’m going to have a 1 hour English class with the hospital staff to help them with their language. It should be pretty fun.

I SMS’d (texted) Sarah to say I’m on my way and she was ecstatic. I had a great conversation with the teacher on the way. We also stopped to pick up some hikers for the back of his truck - chickens and all, lol.

Sarah and I ran some errands. I needed to go to the hardware store for some screen (I’ve decided to hand-make paper out of all my scrap - instead of burning it in the trash heap) and I wanted some wire (cause I’m turning my empty tin cans into votive holders). I plan on applying for a job at Martha Stewart Inc. when I return to the states and opening up a department called ‘Decorating on a Shoe string’. We then bought stuff to make pizza - yes, I’m addicted. It turned out great (toppings included sautéed garlic and carmelized onions). I know what you are thinking…pizza? Carmelized onions? He’s NOT in the Peace Corp. But yes folks, I am. I may not be living in a hut and bucket bathing, but yes, I am here in Africa and have my own set of sacrifices I have to make and challenges I have to face. Have you gathered from any of my entries that I am beginning to ‘normalize’ to my experience? I AM finding my way and settling into it and every day the worry decreases and the excitement goes up. I think it’s going to be a cool ride.

Makin dinner at Sarah’s.

Saturday, Jan. 19 - Sunday, Jan. 20:

Saturday Sarah and I had all intentions of getting up and going for a run, but it had rained all night and was still wet and muddy in the morning, so we waited - hoping it might dry up for us later that afternoon. We hung out, did some yoga, got some stuff for the braai at Scot & Lindsey’s later that day and watched ‘Crash’. We had an unexpected visit from Miriam and Benna - PC staff who happened to be up in the Kavango area because they had had to check on some stuff for the Kaprivi kids. They just wanted to check on us and see if everything was going alright. It was nice. Justin and Wendy had tagged along with them to do some food shopping, so we briefly caught up with them as well.

A few of Sarah’s new friends and work co-horts stopped by in the afternoon. I sort of envy her that she is in a place where people can just stop by. My housing situation does not really allow that. I mean, eventually I will have friends and I will invite them over, but being situation on the clinic grounds, people don’t just meander by my place.

I tried to meditate a bit, but fell asleep. When I awoke, she was in the middle of making the pasta salad and so I took her chicken and headed over to S & L’s. Ben, who lives and works about 10k away, comes in once a week, so he was there as well. I really like all 3 of them. It’s not that I don’t like Christine and Alex (the 2 PCVs at my site), it’s just these guys are VERY laid back and I have felt comfortable hanging out with them from the get go. Scot cooked the chicken and mutton on the braai Lindsey got him for Christmas. We sat around, they had a few beers, we bitched about PC policies, heard and shared the latest gossip and just chilled - listening to music. You wouldn’t think something that simple would be so big in the life of a PCV but trust me, it is. It’s a small sense of normalcy when the rest of your existence is anything but.

It really makes me think about my life back home. I spent a lot of time alone. Not ‘alone’ in the sense of being lonely, but enjoying time being by myself. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that, but sometimes I wonder if I kept myself away from people. I think I had begun to really isolate myself as I got older. Not wanting to put forth the effort to make and keep plans with people/friends. It was easier to just be in my house and expect Mark to come over there and hang out all the time. I definitely took him for granted in that respect. I very seldom went to his place…I always just assumed he would come to me. I’m so stupid. Being here and not knowing anyone yet and being so far away from Sarah, it makes me appreciate the people in my life back home that much more. I can’t believe weeks, if not months would go by without me seeing certain friends of mine. Pure laziness on my part…not wanting to make the drive or the commitment. God, commitment - now there’s a word I have issues with.

I just need to get through the next month or so and find my groove. Once I’m busy with things and have my office set up and have a normal ‘routine’ things will be good. At least that’s what ALL the current PCVs tell me. The weekends are just long and lonely so for a few months I will be heading somewhere on Friday through Sunday. Everyone in Namibia seems to think Sarah and I are a couple, so that’s a good way to get out of Mpungu with my supervisor!

Monday, Jan. 21:

Another day of watching young kids in their early 20s (usually pregnant) come in for their AIDS test. I realize what I am about to say is going to sound really stupid, but it never dawned on me how much the depressive state of this village might wear on me. I mean, I knew I’d see a lot of people with HIV and AIDS and I’ve worked/volunteered with people in the states, but there is so much of it here that I guess I never took into consideration how it might end up affecting me. I’m trying not to let it, but I fear it’s beginning to compound the feelings of inadequacy that already have pretty good control of my mind. I’m keepin’ the chin up though.

I realized today as well, that I seem to be facing all my ‘fears’ at once here and that’s why I feel so overwhelmed. First I have my feelings of inadequacy that I mentioned above, then there is the fear of being alone and I’ve only recently discovered my social anxiety. Most who know me wouldn’t think that, but since being here, it’s surfaced. Ah hell, I wanted to grow from this experience, didn’t I? Lol. Why not kill all the birds with one big fat f’n 2 year stone! Each and every time I have the desire to come back home, I am reminded of all of that. Whew. Brian Kest and Sarah McLachlan have got their work cut out for them to get me through this.

I forced myself to take a walk to the post office today (when I say post office, I mean the small 1 room stone hut that says ‘posa’ on the door). I have a feeling it takes an extra week or 2 on top of the 4 weeks to get mail to the states from here. Introduced myself to some new people, half of which were drunk. Then I find out half of those are teachers. I could easily eliminate HIV from here if I burnt down all the ‘shebeens’ (bars). Of course, they don’t burn because they are made from concrete, but you get the idea.

Did some yoga, played a video game, began reading a book on cultural integration, cooked dinner (chakalaka), walked to the store to buy some bread (it’s 2 dollars more a loaf here…OUTRAGEOUS!) and now I’m going to settle in with a book. Oprah seems to think ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ is a pretty good read, so I’ll let ya know.

Tuesday, Jan. 22 - Wednesday, Jan. 23:

Rukwangali, Rukwangali, Rukwangali. Oh how I love Rukwangali. (notice the sarcasm?) It seems as though my days revolve around learning new words and then learning even more new words. I mean really, do I need to know the Rukwangali word for high blood pressure? Just the same, I’m finding ways to make it fun. I just wish my supervisor would return from holiday so I can start setting up my office and get a little more organized. Sitting in on the AIDS counselor is fine, but since I only understand the words ‘positive’ and ‘negative’, I don’t really know what’s going on, lol.

Tried to fry some potatoes and onions for dinner but the potatoes were a tad rotten and of course there is no such thing as ‘non-stick’ in this country. So I burnt the rotten potatoes and covered them in Montgomery Barbeque sauce (compliments of Rick D.) In 2 years I think I’m going to apply to be on Top Chef…whatdya think?

Wednesday has been more of the same and yes, still eating the leftover potatoes - I just can’t throw anything away. I promised myself though that tomorrow’s lunch would be it. Anyways, tomorrow night is ‘dinner together’ night up at the school. Got to talk to Mark today, which is always the highlight of my week. Solitude has shed some insight into our relationship and though I’m thousands of miles away, I feel as though we are reaching new levels of communication or maybe I’m just being honest with myself and admitting I was wrong about a lot of things.

I’m going to settle down with ‘The Eagle Has Landed’ and then read some ‘Jitterbug Perfume’. Any movie with Michael Caine and Larry Hagman has got to be worth staying up late for J

Thursday, Jan. 24 - Saturday, Jan. 26:

I’ve got be better at writing every day because I forget things that happen when a few days pass. Thursday was fairly uneventful, spent some time at the clinic, did some yoga, then headed up to the school to have dinner. We had lentil burgers and chips. Was very good, but I think I may have mentioned that the teachers end up just talking about school and so I just sit there. The third wheel syndrome is kicking in. I did firm up plans for my ride the next day AND scheduled my first guitar lesson with Alex. It should be very interesting.

The morning, while out for my run, I bumped into the counselor who was hiking to Rundu for the day. That pretty much told me what my morning was going to consist of. With that in mind, I extended my run/walk for another 45 minutes, returned to the flat, worked on the dictionary, read a little and then packed and showered for the hike into the big city. The VSOs were very prompt and I was ready to go. The ride to Rundu is not very exciting - barring the beautiful scenery - and it actually made me somewhat nauseous because of the bumpiness of the road. 3 hours later we arrived and I was dropped off at Maggie’s. Everyone slowly arrived - Kerry, Cedar, Lisa, Justin, Sarah, Stephanie, Scot and Lindsey - and was great to catch up. I may have mentioned it before but once in the Peace Corps it’s instant family.

I had forgotten that it was Sarah’s birthday so we decided to go to the Omishari Lodge and have dinner. Damn. I have decided to treat myself to one dinner a month there. It was wonderful. The food was good, the scenery was beautiful - it has an amazing view of Angola (which, by the way we are not allowed to go there because of ‘unrest’ - this isn’t the Peace Corps saying this, it’s the US government!) If any of all you American bums come to visit me, I would recommend you stay there…or the Bavaria which is nice, but not as upscale.

Together again.

Our language instructors Magreth and Anne Marie stopped by as well and it just ended up being a wonderful evening. A type of wonderful evening that this soul is going to need from time to time in order to settle down completely here. It’s like giving up smoking…I can’t give up my American life completely in one full swoop, lol. We headed back to Maggies where we smoked tobacco from a hookah…and I really mean, tobacco, that’s it. I’d never done anything and it felt very ‘60s opium den-ish’. I have to say, that if you are going to smoke tobacco, you should always smoke from a hookah! It was clean, fresh - as clean and fresh as carcinogenic smoke can be - and gave me quite a little buzz. I’m such a hippie now. I slept on the concrete floor in my sleeping bag (not very well I might add) and woke the next morning to have pancakes before people started to head back to site.

Today has been an adventure trying to shop for things (shelving for my kitchen, screws and anchors, a mattress to keep at Patrick’s in Rundu for when I crash, etc). We went to the craft market and bought some fresh vegetables - I prefer buying as much from local people as possible. During this whole time of walking around it was raining profusely and we were drenched and well, what can I say…didn’t really care. I tried to use the internet at the café and was having a hard time but fortunately it was up and running at Maggie’s school and so it took me 2 and half hours to check about 50 emails. Dial-up here is, well, seriously DIAL-UP! I learned that my friend Kim’s mother past away this week and with that I thought of Heath Ledger and it seemed weird that there is this world that is continuing on outside of this capsule I feel I exist in now. It’s strange, but at the same time I’m beginning to accept it all. I can’t believe I’ve been here 3 months already - well, almost 3 months.

Sunday, Jan 27:

It’s about 8 pm and it hasn’t stopped raining now for 24 hours. Everything is the greenest of greens but it took me 3 ½ hours to travel 150 kilometers back to my site today. The dirt/gravel road was chopped up with puddles and rivets and at times, almost un-passable. If it had taken 10 minutes more I would have probably thrown up from the constant vertigo and bumpiness of it all. Each moment that I found myself complaining in my head, I would begin to laugh. Cause honestly, it is kinda funny.

Each time I return to Mpungu that ‘feeling’ that usually settles in over me, takes a little less control of my emotions. I suppose that’s a good thing. I do know that for another month or so, I will look forward to my weekends in Nkurenkuru with Sarah or those spent in Rundu.

I am in for the night to watch ‘Orlando’. It’s a movie by Sally Potter based on the novel by Virginia Woolf. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend you do. It’s about a man who lives for 400 years and over the course of that times changes and ends up having a child. Some may find it kind of artsy and that is true but it’s also beautifully scripted and costumed and the music is amazing.

Oh yeah, the frogs and crickets are out in droves tonight. This has got to be the place where all the studios who make ‘environmental sounds’ soother chips for those alarm clocks come to record.

Monday, Jan. 28:

On the rollercoaster that is my life I find myself at the bottom of a hill. I really hate these ‘low’ days where my insecurities surface and my emotions are put to the test. I spent most of the day wondering once again what I am doing here. Did I join the PC for the right reasons? Was I running from something? Are the things I am running from going to be waiting for me when I return? Is the personal growth I hope to achieve from this experience going to be worth the stress I am put through? Or that I am PUTTING myself through. Fight or flight was kicking in strongly today and I had just about convinced myself that I should go home. It’s really hard to work through those hours.

My supervisor was officially back to work today and I’m sure that added to my stress. I met with him to ask what it is he expects of me over the next few months and of course he listed a lot of things I am unable or not supposed to do yet (via PC rules). He is stuck in one thought pattern. He wants me to eliminate the stigma of HIV in Mpungu. That’s not something that just happens. You change people’s minds through education and experience. Many of the projects I have thought about have to do with empowering the HIV+ people within the community and by doing that, they become ambassadors. It’s all such foreign territory to me. I sometimes feel as though I have been hired for a job that I have no skills or experience for. Like somehow I slipped through the cracks at human resources and winded up behind a desk with no clue. That’s where the insecurities come from and that’s where the doubt about whether I can or even SHOULD do this job originates. I mean, I could be back home, with friends, real food, a nice bed and a movie theater (I’m really missing my weekly trips to the cinema). Yes, I could have all that and still be giving back in some way. Volunteering my time where it is beneficial to others. Did I really need to travel 9,000 miles to do it? Will the 2 years I spent here be any more or less beneficial to the world than if I was doing something back home? These are the questions that clog my brain on a daily basis. Some more intensely than others.

Tuesday, Jan. 29 - Wednesday, Jan. 30:

I’m seriously wondering how many weeks in a row it has to rain before the Kavango PCVs are evacuated to higher ground. Seriously, it has POURED every day for about 10 days straight. Trust me, it’s green. It’s pretty. But it’s messing up my running schedule AND my every other day walk to the store for a pineapple Fanta. What’s a guy to do?

Lake resort property for sale!

The rain does bring about some interesting reptilian genre. I saw the biggest toad/frog EVER today. WAIT until I send/post pictures! It probably weighed 10 pounds and had a leg span of at least a foot. One of the attendants at the clinic was holding it outside the front door. My first question was ‘Are you going to eat that?’. Fortunately he said no.

Hungry?

So the constant rain keeps me inside, which ultimately leaves me with nothing to do. With nothing to do, all I do is think. All this time to think and all those doubts resurface. I’m trying to decide if the doubts just stem from me not having settled in yet or has the desire to be here faded? I do have a tendency to get bored with things rather quickly. That’s the ADHD in me. I’m just getting tired of second-guessing myself. Should I stay or should I go? To be or not to be? I get news through other PCVs and their experience and most are going through similar emotional rollercoasters. That helps keep me sane. I know some are completely at home here and know for sure that this was the right experience for them. Some of us still have our doubts. If I’m still doubting around April 1st, look out Cincinnati, here I come.

Thursday, Jan. 31:

Though I am enjoying re-writing the Rukwangali textbook and dictionary for the Peace Corps (mainly because it gives me something to do during this time of having nothing to do), my patience is wearing thin in regards to going over the words with the community counselor. Rukwangali is a language of few words. Where we have several words to describe one particular thing (ie. the word ‘explain’ can mean describe in detail, clarify, brief, detail, etc), Rukwangali will only have one word that means ALL those things. So as I’m going through the dictionary asking about definitions, I keep running across words that mean that same thing as about 100 other things. That’s what you get when you try to learn a non-written Bantu language!

Today was a better day than I’ve had this past week. I was a little more focused with some things to do - ie. type up the ‘annual’ leave schedule for the staff of the clinic (took me 10 minutes in Microsoft Excel) and I met with the counselor to discuss a meeting with the Buddy Support group tomorrow. All in all, a very productive day, lol. Tomorrow, after my meeting (which is supposed to be for like 4 hours), I’m hitching a ride to Nkurenkuru to hang with Sarah. I’m ready to get away. At this point, I still look forward to the weekends and hanging out with other volunteers. I hope that changes soon and the desire to be at my site during those 2 long days takes over.

Tonight was dinner with the ‘gang on the hill’ as I call em. Veggie lasagna (with butternut squash) and roasted potatoes. I cannot WAIT till I have stove and can really begin to cook! What, you expected us to eat porridge and chicken necks all the time? Hardly.

By the way, it’s still raining…

Saturday, Dec. 1:

I’m watching ‘The Birdcage’ while I journal tonight, so sorry if I skip around a bit. This morning after breakfast, the health volunteers participated in a march through town for World Aids Day. It was exhilarating marching and chanting and holding banners and posters. I’d never done anything like it before. There were 3 groups marching from different points in town, converging at one central location. There were supposed to be some guest speakers and awards given, but the actual ‘event’ ended up being a bust and most of us headed back to the compound early.

The rest of the day has been sort of long and drawn out. I wrote some letters, read a bit, watched some movies on the computer and re-organized by suitcases. VERY productive day. Tonight a bunch of us went to the river bed and had a bonfire. A group of us began to play ‘Never Have I Ever’ - which is a drinking game where you say that line and follow it with something you haven’t ever done - hoping that someone in the group HAS done it, then is forced to drink. Of course everyone in the group was drinking besides a few of us, so as they got toasted, it was rather uneventful for a few of us. It was a fun to see how creative the statements got and yes, they got more sexual as time went on, lol.

I also texted my APCD to let her know that I needed to chat with her about my site. She’s going to be here on Monday, so I’ll figure out things then.

Sunday, Dec. 2:

I can’t believe it’s already December. Back home, I would be in the middle of putting the finishing details on my Christmas gifts and the house would have been decorated for the holidays. Instead, I won’t be making or purchasing any gifts this year or even hanging a string of lights - though I’d love to purchase some light to hang on the foot of my bed. Instead I will be spending the next month with a ‘host’ family that I haven’t even met yet and celebrating Christmas with them - away from friends and family and hell, away from my friends (new family) here. We are the first group of volunteers in Namibia to be forced to spend the holidays with strangers and not with each other. We are all feeling a tad - how should I say it - pissed off. We’ve decided to celebrate Christmas on the 28th, when we all return here after training…

Today was about as uneventful as you can get for a Sunday. I woke up early, watched some ‘Arrested Development’ - a TV show I never watched in the states but one of my roomies has the entire 3 seasons on DVD - then I had some breakfast, watched some more, eventually showered and brushed my teeth, walked into town for a Sprite, wrote some letters, read a bit, ate lunch, watched some more of the DVD, took a hike, did an hour of yoga, hand-washed my laundry and, well, watched some more TV on DVD. I’m VERY slowly getting used to this idea of not doing anything. It’s very strange, very foreign to me. Maybe in 2 years I’ll become completely comfortable with the notion, but right now…it’s just bizarre. When we finish the next 4 weeks of training, we have a huge ‘shopping’ day in Windhoek (the capital) to buy stuff we will need at our permanent site. Things like silverware, towels, plates, shower curtain, etc. I am taking part of my ‘settling in’ allowance and buying a guitar. I plan on teaching myself to play while I am here - OH, and I’ve set a goal of reading the entire Encyclopedia Britannica as well. I’m just not sure where I can buy that here????

*emailed Dec. 2

Monday, Dec. 3 - Tuesday, Dec. 4:

Another compilation of days. Monday was sort of a bust. We had some language training in the morning and then nothing scheduled for the afternoon. After lunch though, some of the PCVs started complaining about stomach cramps and fevers. As the day wore on, more and more began complaining. A bunch ended up going to the hospital and come to find out they have a stomach virus. By the end of the night, about 50 out of 70 were really ill. Throwing up, fever, diarrhea, cramping…they thought it might be food poisoning. I lucked out. The dinner that they thought they may have been poisoned by - I didn’t eat!! The rest of the day I spent reading and watching some more ‘Arrested Development’. I ended up having a headache, so I went to bed early. Also, we were leaving the next day for the host families in Grootfontein.

So this morning we had breakfast and then a meeting to discuss policies and logistics for living with our host families. We then were told the name and particular family dynamics we were entering. After a quick lunch, we boarded our transports (mine happened to be yet another ‘combi’ - of which I swore I’d never ride in again) and headed out. Grootfontein is about 4 hours north of Okahandja but the trip took longer because the driver was told to drive the speed limit, lol.

We arrived and were greeted by the families and the mayor who gave a short speech welcoming us to the town. I learned I’d be living with a family who’s father - Ryno - is 49 and a soldier in the military, the mother - Jacobine - stays at home (she’s 38) and they have a nephew living with them named Peter, who is 27 and in the army as well. They have 2 young boys - Simon who is 8 and Elija who is 5 and a daughter - Blessing’ who is 8 months. She has already taken to me and they said she doesn’t like anyone holding her. The boys LOVE me and the youngest, Elija, is a hellion who is going to wear me out at night.

This situation is a whole new challenge area for me. I haven’t LIVED with anyone in years - let alone a family that I didn’t know OR who didn’t speak my language well. The idea is that we’ll learn the language more being surrounded by it and by bonding with a Namibian family, it will make it easier for us to eventually integrate into our communities. It usually takes me a long time to REALLY get to know someone - I’m usually fairly guarded. The whole PC experience so far has made me wonder if I might have a slight case of ‘social anxiety disorder’ because I seem to get very nervous or stressed out when I know I’m going to be in situations where I have to interact with people I don’t know very well on a somewhat intimate level. Hell, isn’t that the definition of SAD? Lol

As I continue to be stretched and put in uncomfortable situations, the thoughts of ‘what am I doing here’ keep popping up. But I realize that as each situation comes and goes, I learn more about myself and find a strength inside me that I’ve barely tapped into in my life. At this point I just want to get to my site (wherever that is going to be) and get started the REAL part of my journey in Africa - of course, what I’m realizing is that every day is a new adventure and ultimately it’s not the destination but the…blah blah blah….

Steppin’ into the Twilight Zone.

Wednesday, Dec. 5:

Got up early in order to be shipped off to Tsumeb for the day. We met the other health volunteers there to listen to a few guest speakers and work on some language. I’ve learned that a few times a week we will be carted off there (which is about 45 minutes away) and then on other days, the group that is there will come here. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. If we are all supposed to be learning together - why the hell aren’t we all in the same town???

Representatives from USAID spoke about developing strategies for behavioral change. Our focus as health volunteers is to get people to have safer sex, use condoms, encourage better family planning and inspire income generating projects. What we are finding, is that it’s very difficult to convince someone to protect themselves against a fatal illness when they are unemployed, not eating regularly and have no light at the end of the tunnel. I mean, really. I do you tell someone to take precautions against HIV when they have ZERO motivation for existing in the first place? It’s a very sad predicament. Most people here only think of sex as ‘penetration’ - oral sex or anything outside of basic missionary is considered taboo. With most people being out of work and with nothing to do, they have sex. And sex, usually involves alcohol because that’s the only coping mechanism people have. So if you are drunk, having lots of sex with multiple partners…the last thing you are thinking of is putting on a condom. You can see the dilemma???

When we broke for lunch, I did have what I now consider to be the most ‘American’ 15 minutes I’ve had since entering the country. I used a credit card (debit card) to purchase a pair of pants, bought an ice cream cone dipped in caramel at a take away joint (they don’t call it fast food here, they call it ‘take away’ - which, doesn’t that name make more sense than fast food anyways?) and got cruised by my first recognizable gay guy in the country. It felt so much like back home, lol.

While at lunch, we learned that one of our fellow PCVs Seth, who had remained in Grootfontein because he was feeling ill, had been robbed at knife point. Now, don’t get scared for me, I don’t have all the details yet. He is fine. They got his watch and 400 bucks (Namibian which is only about 55 US). He had decided he was feeling better and went out for a walk. The 1ST and MOST important thing they’ve taught us in the PC is NEVER venture into unknown territory alone. Thieves can spot a ‘newbie’ a mile away. If you look remotely like you don’t know where you are going, you become a target. And with Seth probably looking ill, that didn’t help matters. I will find out more tomorrow, but it sounds like he was walking somewhere he shouldn’t have been. I have never once felt unsafe since I’ve been here. It’s kind of ironic. Me being gay in the US could possibly make me a ‘target’ of violence but here, because I am ‘big’ and have this massive tattoo, the Namibians are afraid of me. I’ve actually unintentionally scared people here - MEN that is. So needless to say, I’m not concerned about my safety. That doesn’t mean I’m going to do particularly risky things, I just don’t feel I’m going to be targeted.

I returned to my host family after a long day to discover that my host father’s mother past away this afternoon. Death is handled very differently here. Back home, if there was a death in the family, people would be upset, and crying and making arrangements to attend the funeral if possible. There was no crying here. As soon as I found out I consulted him to see if he was okay and he laughed at me for being so upset for him. He said he was fine and that she was very, very, very old and that was it. End of discussion. Now it could have been that he just wasn’t comfortable opening up to me which I completely understand. But I don’t think that was it. I think that life is so hard in this country and death is such a common part of it, that it truly doesn’t affect the locals on the same level as it does us back home. It makes you wonder.

Thursday, Dec. 6:

Can I just say that the surreal experiences just keep on happening??? The day started out like any other, we walked about 45 minutes to the hospital this morning for training. We got a lot out of Beth’s presentation (she is a Nam25’r who is getting ready to COS but then is coming back to Africa in a month to start ALL OVER AGAIN for another 2 years in Uganda!!! She is made of some type of material that should be sold by the ounce). We then had language which was a bust. Basically, I’m not going to speak Rukwangali any better than if I just studied on my own.

Afterwards, we were to meet our host families at the SPAR (grocery store) and do shopping with them. We were given N$1100 to supply the host family with money for utilities and 750 to supplement their food expenses. MOST of our host families though, have this idea that we were to purchase ALL the groceries with that money. Talk about an uncomfortable conversation and experience. 750 doesn’t go very far here and we were instructed to make sure that we - the PCVs - we covered as far as food. Me, being someone who doesn’t cook - which means I don’t shop very well - was at first putting everything they wanted into the cart. Realizing that most of the food was stuff I was not going to eat, I thought they understood that they would be putting in some of the money as well. That was not the case. The bill ended up being 550 with very few items pertaining strictly to me. We then were headed to another store where they intended to purchase some chicken. I tried once again to explain to them the concept of ‘supplementary’ but they didn’t get it and kept asking me for more money. When I said I did not HAVE any more, the father brought up the money for utilities. I said, yes, I have that money, but it’s for electric/water NOT for food. The culture is so different here and with the language barrier, it was definitely an interesting conversation to partake of. I, thank God, kept out 200 bucks as a cushion in case I find myself without any food or if they eat through what we bought before 2 weeks are up. It’s a strange dynamic because these people are very poor and hardly eat anything being maize meal (porridge), rice, and macaroni - and here I am being a stingy American worried about whether I’m going to get scurvy from not eating enough oranges.

So with that out of the way, I met up with Sarah to walk into town to buy a fan. Last night I didn’t sleep at all because after falling asleep initially, was awakened at midnight to the blaring music coming from CLUB ROMEO across the street. Living in the location definitely has it’s own share of challenges (by the way, have I explained what a location is?? If not, remind me and I’ll share the African culture structure some other time).

While in town, we vented to one another (she is fast becoming a source of strength for me here and I her) and searched out a cheap fan. We ran into Beth and upon mentioning what I was looking for, told me she would sell me hers. So I ended up spending 100 bucks instead of 200. 100 Namibian that is, which is about 16 bucks American. Beth was on her way somewhere else and we made plans to meet her later to pick it up.

We headed back to our homes and well, needless to say, disaster struck for me. I’m about to share a disturbing, gross story…so if you are not prepared for such…skip the next paragraph. All of a sudden, I had to take a shit very badly. I clenched and did my Kiegels (spelling?) as best I could but I realized very quickly there was NO way I was making it back to the house. I turned to Sarah and said I GOTTA GO NOW! We had been walking along a railroad track and on the other side were some shrubs in a ditch. It was my ONLY option. I ran down the ravine, only to almost stumble directly into a rotting dog carcass, up the hill, across the railroad tracks and found a trail winding into the bushes. At this point worrying about snakes or hell, even someone seeing me was the FURTHEST thing from my mind. I went as deep into the shrubs as I could, squatted down and enjoyed my first case of explosive diarrhea. It’s one of those situations that if you don’t start hysterically laughing at yourself, you will cry. It’s ALSO one of those situations that having some private time for about 15 minutes to make sure it’s all out, would be a gift from God. I did not have that. All I thought about is some kids walking around the corner and seeing this white man with his pants around his ankles and brightly colored orange shit splattered on the bushes behind me. This goes down in the books as my most awkward moment by far in this country.

With nothing to wipe my ass I pulled up my underwear and pants (I’m thankful I even THOUGHT to wear underwear today) and headed to my house. I told Sarah I would have to ‘clean’ myself up a bit before we headed over to Beth’s. She got quite the laugh from my tale (pun intended) and we realized how since we’ve been in this country, we have grown SO comfortable with ourselves that talking about diarrhea is the norm.

I cleaned up, chatted with my host mother for a bit and then Sarah and I headed to the other location for my fan. Upon getting to Beth’s, I realized how much of a palace the place I was supposed to live in, in Mpungu, really was. Beth has been living in a garage with NO running water. The garage door is still there, but bolted down and when it rains heavily, it just comes into her pseudo-living room. Her flat was more of a 10 year old’s clubhouse then an actual living space. I can’t even IMAGINE if I end up in a place like that. Mark would be proud…I’ve seriously become BOUJIE.

We then walked over to Sky’s place (another Nam26’r) and I discovered that yes, things could be worse. She is living in a garage space as well, but ½ the size of Beth’s and all 3 rooms are separate - you have to walk outside to go to the bathroom and bedroom which all need their own keys. Seriously, her house is like a shack. The house that the garage belongs to, has had a sewage backup in the front yard. Needless to say, her place smelled like shit. These people are built differently from most I know back home. It’s unreal their living conditions and yet they are content…happy even.

There were 3 other Nam26’rs that had hiked in for the night, crashing at Sky’s small place. I find it fascinating that PCVs are instant friends and comfortable with one another the moment they meet. Never once have I felt like I couldn’t ask ANYTHING of another PCV even though I may have known them for 5 minutes. It’s instant family. They were waiting on an Afrikaaner friend of Sky’s who has a house with a pool. Yes, a pool. We were invited to swim as well, but I needed to get back to my host family and Sarah was heading over to the missionaries’ house to make a phone call.

Some children walked us to the house because at this point it was dark and we didn’t know the way. I met the two American missionaries (though I have forgotten then names already) and was offered frozen peanut M&Ms as I sat down to watch Will & Grace. They somehow have American satellite TV AND they have a DVD player. It’s funny how little things like that can put a great big ol’ smile on your face. They called me a taxi so I wouldn’t have to walk home in the dark - hell, I’d NEVER have found my house anyways. They said we could come back anytime and even crash in their in the spare bedroom whenever. Sky is house sitting for them starting Monday because they are going on holiday to Kenya. I’m sure I’ll be back over there soon. Sky is already planning a pool party for us at her friends’ for Saturday…I’m feeling much better about the next 3 weeks. On the way back, Cedar and Kerri from Kavango texted me to say they were in Groot for the night and possibly staying in the house right next to mine. I barely know these guys but like I said, PCV = instant family.

Friday, Dec. 7 - Saturday, Dec. 8:

The days are starting to blend together. Another mindless round of language training, then off to Tsumeb for the most BORING lecture by a representative of NawaLife (an AIDS health organization), then with the cancellation of the afternoon guest - back to Groot for more language. The evening wasn’t a total bust though, a group of us met Sky and headed to Atmed’s house to go swimming. It was nice to listen to music, star at the clear sky and cool off in the water. When the Afrikaaners started to drink a lot, it was time to head home.

Moonlight Swim.

2 hours of language again this morning and then we had an option of returning home or attending a local wedding. I opted out of the wedding because it wasn’t a ‘traditional’ ceremony - THAT would have been interesting to see. I came home and had my host mother teach me how to hand wash clothes. I then took a nap and was awakened by Sarah informing me that people were getting together at Anna Marie’s for lunch. I headed over and found the house full of us PCVs making mashed potatoes and chicken. We then watched some TV and got caught there in a downpour which cooled things off nicely.

We were invited to attend the wedding reception at 4 but again, decided against it. After a few hours of hanging out, a few of us decided to go into town for dinner with our trainer. There are only a few restaurants and they don’t have menus, they just have 3-4 options - ALL meat based, lol. I ordered chips (French fries) and went next door to the grocery and got a piece of fish. We had a car at our disposal so everyone got a ride home and then I walked Ashley a few blocks to her place. It’s kind of strange, I am in what would be considered the ‘ghetto’ in the states, walking around at night where it’s dimly lit and I am not afraid. It’s empowering. And no, I’m not being stupid. There have been a few times where I have gotten a tingle in my gut and changed direction or chosen another route. But all in all, I’m confident that my safety will not be an issue here. I’m going to watch Death to Smoochy and hit the sack.

Sunday, Dec. 9 - Monday, Dec. 10:

Once again I apologize for not writing each and every day but some days end up being so uneventful that it’s easier to combine. I ended up skipping out on going to church with my host mother which actually worked in my favor because she was pretty much there from 9 in the morning until around 10 at night. Now this was an unusual day in the sense that they had guest speakers from Rundu here and so the day was planned out of them. I will attend services with them next Sunday though. Most of the day I walked around town with friends, hung out at Sky’s place with her and Shayna (trying to convince them to go swimming) and then back to my place in the evening for some time alone and Arrested Development, lol.

Today we had a meeting with some members of the community to assess their needs and wants in relation to our workshop for next week. This whole concept of assessing needs and building capacity in communities via workshops is very new. It feels very corporate and I’m trying not to see it that way because I pretty much hate anything corporate.

The meeting went well, though nothing that was brought up was new information. People have basically heard enough about HIV/AIDS (meaning that everyone HAS the information as of now) and they are more interested in how do we keep underage kids from becoming alcoholics/drug users and help people with income generating projects. So based on the information THEY gave us, we will now start to formulate ideas and concepts to present in our workshop all next week.

We then had a few hours of language in which I finally decided one of my side projects while here in Namibia is going to be to re-write the current text on Rukwangali. The 3-4 books we are using are useless. They do not explain grammar, sentence structure OR verb conjugation. I’m going to put an end to that - Nam28 better kiss my f’n ass.

On the way home from town, I got a text that my host father, brothers and Peter had made it back. I was actually excited to see the boys. When I arrived home, they were equally thrilled to be around me again. Tonight was the first night that I felt sort of ‘at home’ here in this house with them. With the boys climbing all over me and the baby and mama laughing at us being silly - it felt very nice. I had made plans to go over to Magreth’s and work on a verb conjugation chart, so I headed over there for a bit. When I arrived back home, Anna Marie was there because she didn’t want to be home all alone, so she asked if I’d come over and watch a movie with her or something. I was torn, but I said ok and Ashley and I spent some time with her. I plan on spending the next few nights with my family here - to bond even more. I walked Ashley home and upon returning, past a few young girls playing jump rope in the street. I said hello and as I was walking away, one of them said I was very beautiful…it was a cute moment and made me smile. I came home to find my host father had waited up for me even though he was exhausted from the drive home. It truly amazes me that these people are the poorest (monetarily speaking) I’ve ever known and yet their hearts and capacity for caring goes far being what I’ve experienced in my life.

Tuesday, Dec. 11:

An early day of language starting at 7:45 and then off to Tsumeb 2 hours later. We had some training in grief management and a lesson in how the different cultures of Namibia handle not only giving/receiving the news of someone’s death but how they respond TO the news. It was actually fascinating. When someone goes to another’s house in order to tell them someone has died, they don’t just barge in and say so and so is dead. They talk with the person first and ‘feel out’ the emotional state of the individual by easing into the conversation. They can easily talk about the weather, the day, etc. for up to 20 minutes before turning the conversation to death. They found it equally as interesting that we would just call someone crying and say that someone has died - all in about 30 seconds.

We rode back to Groot, but too late to have another language class. I sorta had a headache and decided to lay down a bit. After a nap I played with the boys, ate some dinner (macaroni, beans, and a hardboiled egg - very appetizing, lol), played with the boys some more, watched an episode of Lost with Peter on the laptop and now I’m heading to bed. I really can’t wait to get through this CBT training and get on with it. Everyday I am growing that much more comfortable with being here but I know when I get to my site and I’m by myself again, I will once again have to ‘get used to’ my surroundings. Hopefully I will know by this Friday where I’m going to be.

Wednesday, Dec. 12 - Thursday, Dec. 13:

Good ol’ Mefloquine. Wednesday is when I take my malaria medication and without fail, it causes me to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to fall back asleep. I was hoping my body would have habituated to it by now, but that is not the case.

We, once again, were hauled off to Tsumeb for training after our language lesson in the morning. We are going to be tested on language this Sunday. I typically do not ‘test’ very well, so I am not looking forward to it. We are also continuing to prepare for our workshop next week. Workshops are something that occasionally a health volunteer finds themselves needing to do. I honestly don’t plan on doing much of them. I want to focus on income generating projects and home-based health care.

Today, Thursday, we didn’t have to travel - the others came to us. We had a guest speaker from the Ministry of Gender Equality come and speak to us about the orphan crisis in Namibia. There are around 128,000 orphans here currently. The guardians can apply for grants - money for food and clothes. The problem is, the grant is only for N$200 for the first child and N$100 for each additional child. Now, let me tell you, 200 Namibian is about 35.75 American. 35 bucks to feed and clothe a child AND pay school fees. You figure it out.

Lejeune also showed up and I had a moment to ask her about my site change. She informed me that Hannah told her that I basically just needed to ‘suck it up’ and go to Mpungu for 4 months and try it. I’m very conflicted with this information. I explained to Lejeune again how I felt and my reasons behind it and tried to offer alternatives. She claims there are no other sites in bigger towns available. I seem to believe she isn’t being completely honest with me, but…that’s just me.

Back to me being conflicted. I’ve been in the country about 6 weeks now and it seems that every challenge that has been thrown at me, I’ve adapted (some taking longer than others, lol). At this point, I do not want to come back home. I want to stay here and do what it takes to make it the 2 years. I feel that I COULD possibly make it for 4 months in Mpungu to ‘test’ it. There is a part of me that wants to challenge myself with that task. All that said, I’m still scared to death about the isolation part of it all. My logic for NOT being there is that if I am miserable for 4 months and tell them at ‘re-connect’ that I want to be transferred, than I’ve wasted 4 months of my 2 years and have to start ALL over establishing relationships and integrating again. It just seems stupid. In the time I’ve spent in Grootfontein I’ve had tons of ideas of projects I want to start and get involved with. There is so much life and options for things to get going. In Mpungu, there is literally NOTHING and the resources are JUST NOT THERE. So 1. Having to pull (literally pull) ideas out of my ass and 2. Not having the resources (internet/telephone) in order to accomplish projects - I just feel like my hands are tied. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed, so we’ll see what happens.

Friday, Dec. 14 - Saturday, Dec. 15:

Friday we had language and went over stuff that we’d be quizzed on during our oral exam on Sunday morning. The remainder of the day was spent preparing for our workshop next week. I’ve decided to take on the immune system information and how AIDS is transmitted. So between now and Wednesday I need to come up with a 2-hour program that will inform and keep the participants interested. Crystal asked if I’d pick up some supplies while in town, so I handled that as well.

Around 5, Sarah and I headed over to Little America where Sky was house sitting. About 15 of us, including some of Nam26 who were on their way to Vic Falls hung out and watched movies. It was great to unwind from the week and spend time together outside of training. Most of us crashed there because she had room. This morning, Justin made everyone French toast and scrambled eggs.

Where the hell am I?

I came back home to study and do laundry around noon. The day was long and sort of un productive because I couldn’t get into preparing for my exam and the boys were constantly after me to play. I did manage to study a bit, get my laundry washed and dried and do some grocery shopping as well.

Today I’ve been very home sick and it’s been a struggle to remain focused. That has also added to my concern about my site. I actually feel that I am up for the challenge it will provide me, I still just have a lot of fear around it. As I settle into being here and knowing how much I want this, I am starting to feel like I could make it in Mpungu. I’ll just have to keep my fingers crossed.

Sunday, Dec. 16 - Monday, Dec. 17:

I have a serious headache today, so I will probably not be typing much because staring at the computer screen is hurting my eyes.

Yesterday I didn’t do much of anything. I had an oral language test in the morning which went fine. A few of us had decided to make dinner for our families - those of us who were close together in the location. We chose to make spaghetti and meat balls with a nice sauce made from fresh tomatoes and mushrooms. Sarah and I were in charge of the garlic bread. What I’ve discovered from this little experience is that ’cultural appreciation and acceptance’ is NOT a 2 way street! We were instructed by Peace Corp that it is very rude to turn down food that is offered to us - EVEN if we are vegetarian. We presented our families with the food and the majority of them took a bite and then slid the plate away. We had made SO much and had SO much brought back to us (wasted) that it really pissed me off. I mean, how can you turn away food - especially GOOD food - when all you eat otherwise is porridge and a chicken leg? Yes, I’m bitter. The day ended with an impromptu dance party among the younger ones. Crystal’s host daughter (who is barely 12), was literally writhing all over the floor as if she were in a rap video. Can you say teenage pregnancy???

Getting jiggy with it.

Today we had the first part of our program and it went fine. I have to give Thea and Lily credit for how smoothly it went over. I am feeling anxious about Wednesday, which is the time I’ll be facilitating. I just don’t do well with public speaking. Acting is one thing. Running a program is a different story. I tried to start getting organized about what I am going to do, but this headache and nausea keeps me from being fully present. I have to say, being sick in another country SUCKS ASS. There are no comforts of home, hell, I can’t even put an ice pack on my head to make it feel better. I can’t even park myself on the couch for some bad TV. And aspirin or Tylenol, forget it. Can’t find it here. I’ve been sick more in the past 6 weeks, than I have in the entire year. Damn, 6 weeks. It seems like an eternity. I can’t imagine how the next 2 years are going to feel.

Tuesday, Dec. 18:

Today’s workshop went well, though I wasn’t feeling completely up to par in the beginning. I actually began to worry that I might have food poisoning. I hate food poisoning. We discussed alcohol abuse today and it lead into some discussions about safe/unsafe sex practices. I am handling HIV/STD’s with Sarah tomorrow, so it was a good way of ‘feeling out’ where the participants - especially the younger ones, were at with sex. Come to find out, because of traditions and culture, most parents don’t talk to their children about it and they end up having to figure out things on their own. Usually when it’s too late. With that in mind, I cleared it with our health director to include an hour or 2 tomorrow talking frankly about sex. It’s time for a sexual revolution to hit Namibia!!!

At the end of the day, I worked on my presentation for tomorrow with Sarah, Crystal and Wendy and then came home to ‘tune’ it up a bit on my own. There is nothing like a dress rehearsal the night before a performance. I’m more comfortable than I was a day or two ago but it’s still not my forte. I’m feeling much better physically as well, so I should be at 100% tomorrow. Have I mentioned my ass is getting flabby from not working out??? Just thought I’d throw in that useless bit of information.

Wednesday, Dec. 19:

Today was a hit! Facilitating the workshop with Sarah went off without a hitch. Every day there has been a concern about running out of things to do but today we actually ran OUT OF TIME. We had a lot packed into our program and it flowed very smoothly. I began the day with an overview of the agenda, followed by an answering of questions from the Q-box, and than gave an informative lecture on the immune system and how HIV is transmitted. I GAVE A LECTURE!!! What is up with that? After the immune system, we broke into two smaller groups - Sarah and I taking on the youth while Robin and Wendy handled the older folks. Talking about HIV lead into a discussion about STIs (sexually transmitted infections) which Sarah headed up.

Can you say ‘Chancroid?

We had a tea break and then Sarah talked about Stigma and Stereotypes. She and I then divided the youth into boys vs. girls for our version of ‘Jeopardy’ - which we had created the day before with questions based on our topics. The prize for the winning team was ice cream so needless to say, both teams fought hard. With the girls in the lead by 2000 points after 10 minutes, it looked as if the guys weren’t going to score anything, but a fatally wrong answer cost the girls the 1000 point question on HIV and the guys took over. In the end, the guys one with 9300 points to the girls 7800. Everyone got ice cream though J

The experience was good cause it showed me that if I decide to lead a workshop of any sort, I can do it. Sarah and I also decided that since we are so close to one another and worked so well together today, that we will probably design our workshops together so we can both facilitate. That makes me feel that much more comfortable with it AND with the idea of living in Mpungu. I think, though I may have mentioned it already, that I am up for the challenge of living in such a rural environment. It will be hard and I will be stretched AND will have some really bad days….but I think I will eventually adjust. I’m starting to look at the next two years as an opportunity to do, study, read things I’ve never made time for - i.e. Read the bible from cover to cover, read the entire encyclopedia Britannica, learn to play the guitar, refresh my Spanish, learn sign language, start running, perfect my yoga….all that said, I miss home. I miss Mark.

Thursday, Dec. 20 - Friday, Dec. 21:

The final day of the workshop went okay. I felt as though the facilitators for that day weren’t as prepared as they could have been and there was a lot of ‘winging it’ going on. Some people started asking questions about condom usage again and I had finally HAD IT. I stood up and said listen, it’s as simple as this - USE A CONDOM EVERY TIME. I don’t care how much you trust the person, love the person, etc. etc. etc. USE A CONDOM EVERY TIME. Well, for the rest of the day, the youth kept on chanting that phrase. I think I started a riot, lol.

We had planned on having a separate meeting for parents from 2-4, but only 2 showed up, so we sent them home and headed out ourselves. I went home with the intention of taking a nap, but got sidetracked with the boys. A few of us decided to go to Sky’s place and watch a movie and hang out (intention to stay the night). The next day we were going to Lake Oshikweto.

Got up today and did some Rukwangali homework while flipping the channels, then walked into town with Thea. We all met at the shell to head to the ‘lake’.

It turned out to be some sort of underground lake where the roof had collapsed. I have pictures. It was nice, but you couldn’t swim…just sit around on the edge. It was nice to get together with the group from Tsumeb and hang out without it being a training session. There also had a few animals in cages - crocodiles, ostriches, peacocks, guinea pigs, warthogs - all sort of uneventful. We hung out most of the afternoon and then were planning on going to the meteorite. It started to rain and we were all tired, so we skipped it and headed back to Groot.

Contemplative…

When we returned, we were told that Linda (she’s not quite the director, but I always forget her actual position) wanted to meet us in the park. She arrives and begins by saying that she is very sad that she has to present this particular information to us. They way she was confronting us, we thought maybe someone had died in the group. She then tells us that when the 12 of us stayed with Sky that one night the week before, that we were violating PC policy and that we were being ‘written up’, the warning was going into our file, AND our swearing in would be provisionary - meaning, it may or may not happen based on what PC headquarters decides to do. Okay, first, this is all such bullshit. Second, I can’t believe I’ve already caused such a raucous and I’m only on week 7. Third, this is all such bullshit.

She kept claiming that we all signed an agreement with all the policies clearly explained. Obviously this is not the case. None of us were trying to be deceitful and go behind anyone’s backs. We clearly stated to our host families that we would be spending the night away and we even informed our language trainers. It just didn’t make any sense. She said that she would be returning the next day and we had to sign a form acknowledging guilt and so on and so forth. I was furious. I mean, another one of the policies is that you aren’t supposed to drink during PST but I’m about the ONLY person who hasn’t. Are all those people getting written up as well? I asked what would happen if we refused to sign and she said we’d be sent home. There was a brief flash in my head of ‘this is my way out’, lol, but that quickly faded. The desire to be here is stronger than ever and with what I’ve learned about myself thus far, I am very excited about the growth to come.

We all left the part with a bad taste in our mouths. Sarah and I were actually headed to Sky’s place because I had left my water bottle there this morning and she needed to return an umbrella. We bitched and moaned on the way there and home. Some people had brought up the fact that they had decided once they were there, that it was unsafe for them to travel home because it was so dark. We found out once we got home that Linda had started calling host families to see if this information was correct. They are also confronting a few PCVs about the supplementary money for host family groceries. They actually thing some of us would spend that money on something for ourselves. I’m seeing a side to this organization that isn’t pretty. I mean, I can understand that it probably is an immense job to keep it all running smoothly, but come on.

Anyways, I actually just received a text message from Linda stating that she will NOT be coming tomorrow and that Hannah will be addressing the issue when we return to Okahandja on the 31st. I had a feeling they would probably let this go. So much for my first shot at rebellion.

Saturday, Dec. 22:

It’s very difficult for me to comprehend that it’s 3 days till Christmas. Everyone who knows me well, KNOWS how much I LOVE this time of the year. The lights, the chill in the air, the mood everyone is in…I LOVE IT. I’m completely missing out on it this time. You see a few decorations here and there in the town and every now and again a fake tree in someone’s house. But no lights in the windows, no songs playing on the radio, nothing. It’s making me very sad actually - intensifying the home sickness that I feel gets a little better each day. I miss hand making gifts as well. Coming up with creative ideas and watching as people open their presents. I have got to find some way to be creative while at my site. I’m going to have to order a bunch of ‘how to’ books from Amazon.com. I figure I’ll learn to batik, maybe carve wood, garden, make jams/jellies, can food and what the hell, origami.

Today was another one of those where I find myself thinking I’m going to go crazy from boredom at my site. I mean, if I can’t find anything to do and I’m in a town currently and staying with a family, what the hell am I going to do when alone? It brings up an interesting point that I thought about back in the states. What are we meant to do with our ‘time’ in general?? I mean, most people work 9-5 and come home to families and then chill for a bit before bed. The weekends spent accomplishing things they couldn’t throughout the week and then a few times a year, taking a vacation. Is it just me or have we forgotten how to just ‘be’. I KNOW I have and it doesn’t help that I’m hyperactive. The hardest thing about the next 2 years for me is just learning how to do nothing. As you can see above, I am already trying to find ways to fill the void. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with learning some new things while I am here. But I want to learn to just be with myself and have that be enough. Problem is…that THAT is scary as hell. I do wonder though if it’s just me and that maybe I should be put on Prozac. Maybe I can make all the little voices go away.

Sunday, Dec. 23:

Skipped church this morning to watch ‘Pet Cemetery’ on the tele. Studied some language, trying to translate a couple of paragraphs from a book my mom sent me. Sara showed up and wanted to walk to town - I was happy for the distraction. We met up with Justin, Crystal, Ashley and Stefanie and walked in together - bitching about the current status of ‘shit’ that is going on with the PC vs. us. I can’t believe they are accusing Crystal and Stefani of inappropriate relations with Namibian men. It’s so absurd. They are both very friendly and outgoing individuals and have probably integrated MORE into Namibian culture and society than any of the rest of us. It’s SO wrong for the PC to accuse them of anything like this.

In town, we got some soft serve ice cream (strawberry) and bought some Tengo (cell phone air time) and then headed back to the location to watch a movie at Anna Marie’s. It was SO very hot today and usually that’s a sign that the rain is coming. Well, it DID! This is the biggest rain storm we’ve experienced so far and I love it. It cooled the weather WAY down and of course now everything will be so green! The power went out right before the storm with only about 10 minutes left of the movie, so I headed home. The boys were eager to play in the wind and rain.

I retreated to my room to nap a bit and study some more language. I was then blessed with a phone call from Mark. It made my WHOLE holiday!!! We talked forever it seemed, caught up, shared feelings and expressions of ‘missing you’. In the short time I’ve been here, I’ve learned a lot about myself and especially how I behaved in my relationship with him. I’ve realized that I never gave 100% and was always looking more for what was wrong with us, than relishing in what was right. Who knows where the next 2 years will take either of us, but I know without a doubt that he is someone that will be in my life forever.

Monday, Dec. 24 - Tuesday, Dec. 25:

Now I understand the true meaning of sacrifice in regards to the Peace Corps experience. This has been the most uneventful holiday I’ve EVER experienced. No lights, no music, no TREE! I kept waiting for my family to do SOMETHING representative of the festive season, but nothing ever came.

Some PCVs chose to purchase gifts for their family - I chose not to. I was basing my decision on whether or not they themselves were going to exchange any. If they had, I would have JUMPED at the chance to do something Christmassy. Since they didn’t, I felt weird buying things and being the ‘rich white material American’. I especially didn’t want to purchase a lot of things for the boys and wonder if their father was sitting there feeling badly because he couldn’t get anything for his family himself.

I did make brunch for the family today. I introduced them to French toast. I know, I know…how every American of me. I also made home fries and a scramble with onions and green peppers. Trying to get any kind of reaction out of them is usually tough, but they did clean their plates. I had planned on making roasted butternut squash for dinner later today, but realized there was NOTHING to bake anything in or on. So instead, I warmed up an apple pie and was going to treat them to a bit of America - pie a la mode. I discovered that the ice cream in the fridge was strictly for selling though, and so they just had the pie. Again, they ‘seemed’ to enjoy it. Basically Namibians will eat anything with sugar in it. I love them for that.

Curly, Larry and Mo.

I was able to talk to mom/dad and Shell today so it wasn’t a total bust. Mom is having such a hard time with me being here, that I worry she is going to make herself really sick. I could hear in dad’s voice that he was down about me not being around for the holidays as well. Maybe next year I can scrounge up the funds to make it back for a few weeks. We’ll see. Shelly was actually on her way home (about 20 minutes out) when she called. Mom obviously had no clue, so hopefully it turned into a nice surprise. I haven’t received much mail since being here and have been waiting for Shelly’s package to arrive (containing my toothbrush charger). She told me she had included a small decorated Christmas tree in the package which actually choked me up a bit. It would have been great to have it for today, but I’ll just postpone my holiday until tomorrow. It is very true what they say, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder. I miss my family so much.

Wednesday, Dec. 26:

Yet another day of language and a rather boring lecture on nutrition. We then got a mail delivery!!!! I received 4 packages - more than anyone else. Can you say JEALOUSY??? It’s never been so exciting to receive mail. I got 2 packages from Mark - gum, deodorant, Alicia Keys new CD and Oliver Twist on DVD - YEAH!!! I also got a package from Rick and one from Doug - clients of mine from Cincinnati. The foot/hand cream by Aveda is a definite treat - Doug KNOWS how much I love their stuff. Rick certainly took into consideration some of the practical problems of my situation, lol. I got heel repair cream for my cracked feet, moisturizer for my nose, ear plugs, barbeque sauce for my goat head, SPF for my face and trail mix!!! Thought yesterday was sort of a bust, I feel today is my true Christmas!! I’m now watching Amelie on DVD and heading to bed.

Thursday, Dec. 27 - Saturday, Dec. 28:

Thursday was our community project day. We originally were going to clean up a local park in the location. For some reason, people opted for having an ‘activities’ day with the youth. We organized the use of a local stadium that contains a net ball court (no, net ball is not volleyball as I thought), a basketball court, and a soccer field. We did spend a certain amount of time cleaning all the broken beer bottle glass from the paved courts and then as youth showed up, we played games and played some ball. All in all it was a success, I just would have preferred to do something that would have made more of a visible impact on the community. I guess keeping a handful of young people from being bored and having unsafe sex is making an impact.

Friday, we had language (which is still so damned frustrating because there is no grammar) and spent a small amount of time talking about the host family appreciation braai for the next day. Braai is Afrikaans for barbeque. Sarah and I went into town to print some pictures, hit the internet café and hang out at the coffee shop and study. I ran into Atman, the guy with the pool and he invited us over for swimming later that day. I tried to organize a group of people to do that, but it fell through. Some people met at the Meteorite later that night for pizza. I passed - trying to save my money and learn how to budget. Walked the computer over to Sarah because she wanted to work on the script for a skit that she, Obie and Emily are doing back in Okahandja for ‘Talent Night’. There are very bad (and I stress, VERY bad) Spanish soap operas that are big here - ‘The Gardener’s Daughter’ and ‘Second Chances’. The acting is atrocious and they are entertaining to watch just for how bad they are. We’ve decided to do scenes from one or the other with Emily and I being the actors and Obie and Sarah being behind the curtains narrating the story. It should be pretty hilarious.

Today was the braai and I spent the majority of the morning hanging out with the boys. I also cooked French toast again AND cooked cinnamon apples. They’ll eat anything with sugar.

Headed over to the stadium around 1:30 to prep for the shindig. Most of the stuff had already been prepared by other volunteers and a few of the trainers. We just needed to get the ‘pit’ from Mr. Matengo’s house and collect the goat, chicken, and sausages from Magreth’s. People were going to start arriving around 4. Once the music started playing, we began to draw a crowd, so I was put in charge of ‘bouncing’, lol. Remember, the locals are afraid of me cause I am big and have this massive tattoo. Many people approached the gates, wanting in, wanting to know what was going on. I had a guy (who was drunk) demand to be let in because he was a Christian and NOT a Judas (his words). I also had a guy show up stating to be a friend of one of the family’s inside. That was fine, but he was ‘packin’. So I made him wait outside while I brought the family member to him.

Once most had arrived, I shut the gate and headed over to get some grub myself. I wasn’t gone 10 minutes before the children began to sneak in. They were literally climbing a 10 foot high fence to get in. I tried to ‘shoo’ them away, but to no avail. It’s kind of a thin line or double standard - I’m not sure which English word fits. Here you have the Peace Corp volunteers trying to integrate into a society and culture in order to achieve positive change and we’re throwing a party to thank our host families. Then you have all these VERY poor children ‘invading’ our space and expecting to eat our food. You have the Namibians who are there telling the children to leave and we at the same time, know what we have is limited to the number we planned on. And yet, we are PC, right? So shouldn’t we be trying to help as many as possible. It was just weird and a little uncomfortable. Guess you had to be there to fully get the impact but I found myself being protective of the food we had prepared and at the same time feeling guilty for it. How do you turn down a hungry child? And yet the families that were in attendance were completely okay with doing just that. I don’t know whether it’s the reality of the situation or if just everyone is selfish - AND if the selfishness is justified on some level because everyone has to work so hard just to take care of themselves and their own. It’s been hard enough to learn to turn down beggars (mostly children continually asking for a dollar) let alone, eating all this really healthy food in front of a group of children who obviously haven’t eaten that well in quite some time. It’s also something I noticed within my own host family. The parents take the good/larger portions of meat, while the younger boys get whatever is left over. Part of that could do with the fact that the parents are older/bigger and need it more. But I can’t help but wonder if it falls under that selfish thing again. Only time will tell I suppose.

My ever exciting host family.

Language trainers are tasty!

The bonus of the day was getting to talk to Shell and mom again. Shell had some remaining time on one of her phone cards. It’s difficult to tell in mom’s voice, but after 2 months, it sounds like she might becoming accustomed to the idea of me being over here. I know it’s hard. Hard on everyone back home and well, of course, hard on me being over here. The past 2 months have actually flown by for me, so I have a feeling the next 2 years will as well.

Sunday, Dec. 30 - Monday, Dec. 31:

We got up early in order to load the combi and get on the road by 8:30 so as to be back in Okahandja around 1:30 at the latest. Well, we ended up waiting around with our luggage until around 10 before taking off. Oh, did I mention that when I was saying goodbye to my host family, there was NO emotion. The mother barely hugged me and the father didn’t even get out of the car to help me unload my stuff from the trunk when dropping me off. I shook his hand and he drove off. It sort of sums up my entire relationship with them for the past month. I was actually looking forward to developing close ties, but that did not happen.

Half way back we stopped in Oshiwarongo to grab some lunch, a cool drink and meet up with a bunch of education people. It was so good to see some familiar faces AND to shop for food in the Super Spar. Spar is the main grocer here and a Super Spar is a little taste of heaven - you feel as though you’ve stepped inside a Kroger’s from back home. I was able to get a pound of curried macaroni salad and some fruit salad (which actually contained kiwi!).

Arriving back in OK around 3 was like a family reunion. Swapping stories from CBT and catching up with Coleen, Jefe, Rashid, Rachel, Tina, etc. was especially nice. I unpacked and then a small group was grabbing some wine or beer and heading to the riverbed. I tagged along and caught up with more people. The night sky again, was crystal clear and amazing.

Today we had our ‘meeting’ with Hannah to discuss our possible ‘provisional’ swearing in based on our staying away from homesite that one night in Grootfontein. She was actually cool about the whole thing and understood our point of view while still getting Peace Corp’s across to us. We will NOT be provisionally sworn in and do not have to sign anything. Seth, on the other hand, has to. He was reprimanded for supposed drinking. Well, between you and I the drinking is certainly NOT ‘supposed’. So now he’s pissed off because of the way they approached him and is debating whether or not to just ET next Friday when they want him to sign the paperwork. I hope he calms down enough to just sign and continue with his PC service but at the same time I truly believe he needs help in that regards and maybe this isn’t the best time of his life to be doing this. Who am I to judge I’ve been a complete WUSS about living by myself in the middle of nowhere, lol.

With tonight being New Year’s Eve (hard to believe I’ve been here 2 months), I will probably be up a little later than usual, so not have time to journal. People have slowly been collecting ‘party favors’ for later tonight. Once again we are going to the riverbed - this time probably we’ll have a fire and ring in the new year that way. I’m hoping to call Mark at exactly midnight and say hello - I can’t think of a better way to bring in 2008 than to hear his voice.

Happy New Year!

Here is my first attempt at 'blogging'...I am basically just copying my journal from the beginning of my adventure in the Peace Corps. until now....I will get more creative with photos and such, later...

Peace,

David

Saturday, Nov. 3:

I had all intentions of writing in my journal every day from the very beginning, but I’ve found that to be difficult with the time frame and sleep deprivation. Thus, here I am near the end of my first full week with the Peace Corp taking a moment to jot my thoughts. I figure it will be easier this way, than writing in a notebook (though I will probably do that and then transfer my thoughts here).

The first few days of staging that took place in DC were stimulating and at the same time, quite repetitive. We spent a lot of time going over and over information that we already had via the handbooks we received and having our more important questions answered with vague responses. It was a time for some of us to get to know one another and start the bonding process which will continue throughout this journey.

I roomed with Ian while in DC who sleeps like the dead or, in Afrikaans, is TJOEPSTIL (dead quiet) - I on the other hand snore, which really isn’t fair. We have ended up being roommates here at the compound, along with Rashid, Jeff, Eric (who snores louder than anyone I’ve ever heard), and JC - who is a total surfer dude, but speaks 2 languages fluently. I just can’t wait till I adjust to the time difference and can sleep through the night. I think over the past 48 hours I’ve only sleep about 8 and even that was broken up into 2-3 hour intervals. My eyes hurt, that’s all I know.

Speaking of the compound, it looks like any other mission style place where people come to study, meditate or fellowship. This country is 90% Christian/Lutheran and the evidence is all around. Being Buddhist is going to make it very interesting here.

We have had a day of ‘training’, which has answered a few of our more specific questions, but a standard response has been ‘it will depend on your site’. Tomorrow I interview with some reps to discuss where I should be placed. I plan on being fairly specific - I don’t want to live with a host family, I want to be in an urban setting, I don’t want to work for a faith based organization, would rather work for an NGO, blah blah blah… We find out Nov. 16th specifically where we are going.

I had my first experience with a local supermarket today and frankly, was surprised - Oprah magazine and FHM???? It was very western - though I did gravitate toward a bag of poppy seed and garlic flavored Doritos. I experimented with a bottle of litchi juice (I had never even heard of a litchi) and bought a jar of Skippy peanut butter to help supplement protein intake - since I am trying to remain vegetarian while here. It’s very difficult because Namibians LOVE their meat. Now I will say that next Saturday is a holiday called ’Traditional Day’ and they serve donkey (yes, donkey - ass, mule, etc) and I do plan I sampling that just out of total curiosity.

By the way, I forgot to mention that for most of us, ALL pieces of our luggage did NOT arrive in Namibia. Some people didn’t get anything, while others (like me) were left with only 1 of the 2 bags we packed. Thank God I had everything I needed in the one that did arrive. The next night, some more bags arrived, but my roommate Rashid, is still missing one AND there was stuff missing from the bag he did get. Another girl is missing an expensive watch from her suitcase and the stories of thievery are piling up. BEWARE if you travel somewhere and your bags are supposed to make it there before you!

Right now it’s 20:56 (I’m slowly getting used to the whole 24-hour clock thing) or TWINTIG SEIS EN’ FYFTIG UHR in Afrikaans. All that said, it’s 9 pm and I’m going to sign off and go mingle a bit. I promised myself I’d be in bed by 10 each night, even if I am still awake.

Sunday, Nov. 4:

It’s around 5:30 and I just finished a round of Yoga. It was nice to get back in that groove and also very humorous trying to instruct Rashid, who has never done yoga, in some of the poses. Many people gathered around to admire and laugh and now I’m going to try and lead a daily yoga class in the main hall around 8 each night. It’s one of the things I want to incorporate as a secondary project at my site anyways, so this will be good practice.

Today has been nice and relaxing. I had my site interview and my medical interview. The first is to discuss what I am looking for in where I want to live and the second was just to make sure I am feeling okay. I only had a few requests about my site, as I mentioned previously, so I feel fairly confident that I’m going to end up somewhere I feel comfortable. I made sure they were aware that I didn’t want to live in a thatched hut - I thought I was ‘that guy’ but have realized since arriving, that I am not.

Some people went to church (which was 3 hours) but most of us stayed around for our interviews and to chill. I was introduced to ‘hacky-sac’ which is something I think most people have heard of, I had just never done. It was fun and actually, quite a workout. Spent some time reading, took a short nap, ran to the store and to explore the town a bit and bought some chapstick - OH, and I had washed my laundry - something I have to get used to here. Now I realize that I brought WAY too much clothing and why most of the PC volunteers that greeted us at the airport on Friday looked all disheveled.

They gave us a ‘cookbook’ so that we’d have an idea of things we have at our disposable, once we are on our own. I quickly discovered that a substitute for yogurt (if unable to find) is something called ‘dikmilk’. Trust me, Jeff and I have been having a lot of fun with that one - more so Jeff than I, but just the same it’s quite funny how he finds a way to include that reference into just about any conversation. We’ve got an entire ‘priceless/Visa’ commercial thought up in our heads.

Have I mentioned how incredibly DRY it is here. The heat so far hasn’t bothered me much, except for sleeping, but the dryness is ridiculous. I’m drinking like 2 gallons of water a day and wake up with the biggest, crustiest boogers I’ve ever pulled from my nose - yes, it’s gross, but I had this conversation with some girls and they agreed, they are pretty big.

So far I’m lucky with the malaria medication - no hallucinations, fevers, stomach upset and the like. Yesterday we got the first round of our rabies shots (we get 2 more over the next 2 weeks). We will also be getting diphtheria, meningitis, typhoid, Hep A and Hep B shots while here. Yes, I feel like a fucking pin-cushion.

Monday, Nov. 5:

Our first real day of training…oh GOD I am so bored. Their idea of training is to pass out sheets of information to us, then just have us read them aloud. It’s so difficult to stay awake - especially when you factor in the lack of sleep. In addition to that, I’ve had a headache/upset stomach all day which only makes it all that much more pleasant. It also increases the feelings of ‘what am I doing here???’.

There are moments when I think I can get to my site and I will have enough ideas and some experience in order to facilitate something positive…then other times where I feel my total lack of experience in certain areas is going to make me weak. I’m entering a whole new arena for myself. Facilitating workshops? Organizing caregiver lectures and instruction? This is all so NOT in my comfort zone. I think there is a part of me that thought I could just join the PC, get to Africa and do stuff. Build things, paint things, help out, talk to people, lend a hand…etc. etc. etc. I’m finding it to be much more ‘corporate’ than I had expected and ANYONE who knows me knows that I am NOT corporate.

I am looking forward to doing things revolving around counseling - that should help me to know whether I want to do my Master’s work in that or not. Back to my feelings of doubt that creep in, I also don’t know how much of that is amplified by the malaria meds what are supposed to increase anxiety - but I already mentioned that, didn’t I?

One girl, Jill, still hasn’t received her bag yet which basically contained everything she owned. They have told her to assume it’s gone and they’ll give her some money to replace some of the stuff. I happen to think that’s sort of shitty on their part - seeing that they experience the loss of luggage thing so frequently, it’s not big deal to them. Well, it IS a big deal to the person who doesn’t have anything from home with them now. All my stuff has made it here, though the one delay, and I’ve discovered that I packed WAY too much shit. WAY too much clothes. I should have eliminated 1 suitcase of clothes and packed essentials instead.

Our afternoon training was all safe sex education, which is old hat to me. It was very funny when the doctor starting flashing pictures of gonorrhea and syphilis on the screen, lol. The reactions from the kids were priceless and the conversations that ensued afterwards even better. The best part being that at dinner they served something resembling kielbasa.

At lunch, I tried to slam down the food and make it to the internet café to drop everyone an email, but the connection there was so slow that it took me 15 minutes to get it up and running. By the time I had typed the email and tried to send, my time was up. So you my not get this journal until I’ve been here for quite some time. My apologies.

Tuesday, Nov. 6:

This day was GREAT or BAIE LEKKER (very great) because last night I got my first full night’s sleep. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the volunteers gave a set of ear plugs and so after throwing up my dinner again and taking a hike to look at the stars, I shoved those puppies in and was out. Speaking of the stars, you have never seen a sky so clear at night than here. No ambient light from big cities, no clouds, no smog…nothing. I’ve never seen so many in one sky. You can just lay there forever and get lost it - that is, if you aren’t alarmed by the scurrying of scorpions in the sand. I haven’t had the unfortunate sting of one yet, but I heard it DOES hurt. I did wake up the other night to find a very ugly looking thing crawling on my wall that looked like a spider, but had 10 legs…so not sure.

The first part of the day was great. We began our Afrikaans learning and since I started teaching myself this about 6 weeks before I came, I feel I have a pretty good handle on it. Today was just the basics, so it was all repeat for me. We then had a cultural session which was fantastic. Representatives from 7 Namibian tribes came in traditional clothing and brought things like bows and arrows, household objects, and the like to share with us. It was fascinating hearing their language (some of which some here will end up having to learn) and to hear about the heritage before and after apartheid. The remnants of which are all around.

We broke for lunch and then afterwards the entire afternoon was spend on medical stuff such as, how long we have to boil water to make it safe, not leaving dirty dishes or water around so as not to draw mosquitoes, bathing, keeping hands clean to avoid dysentery. It’s very strange to me that I will have to be aware every day about my surroundings in order to keep myself healthy. We are so spoiled in America, we really are.

The session ended early and we had 90 minutes to ourselves before dinner. I decided to go into town and TRY once again to send an email to every - my last attempt being a failure. Getting there, I discovered the internet to be down so I took the time to check out the cell phone situation. I found one for N500, but it was after 16:30 pm (4:30), so the bank was closed and I was unable to change over my American dollars. I plan on having a cell phone by tomorrow so phone calls are on the way.

We also had a chance to meet some volunteers who have been here a year and formed an organization called VSN - Volunteer Support Network. They set it up so that if and when we have bad days, need to vent, cry, just converse with someone to get us a through a rough time, they are there for us. I decided to apply to become a part of it, once I have reached my 1 year stage. Wow, 1 year…it seems so far away. I also had the opportunity to talk with Alma, a current volunteer who relieved a great burden from me. I had, all this time, been convinced that I was going into a job position where I was going to have to teach workshops (which was difficult enough without the experience) but in AFRIKAANS. I was very anxious over this…thinking that I not only had to do something I was clueless about but also in a foreign language. She informed me today, that all the stuff I do, I do in English. They want you to learn the language, so you can integrate more into your community where you live. WHEW!!!! So relieved…

I finally got to teach a yoga class this evening in one of the classrooms and everyone seemed to enjoy it. I was fun leading my friends through the exercises. I want to do it several more times so I become comfortable with instruction. Namaste.

Wednesday, Nov. 7:

Another day after a good night’s rest…so slowly, but surely I am feeling better. The morning consisted of another Afrikaans lesson (learning the basics). At lunch I thought I might try to head into town and exchange some money to purchase my cell phone. That did not go according to plan. It was a Catch 22. They wouldn’t let me exchange my dollars for Namibian without my passport which is being held by the PC, I couldn’t deposit my money directly into my debit account without my passport, the cell phone place didn’t take Visa and then I couldn’t remember my debit password for my checking account back home. Kinda funny when I look back on the day.

The afternoon consisted of more cultural learning, this time about race issues. It was really interesting how everyone’s view of race and ethnicity was slightly different and everyone has been affected by it to some degree or another. We then were surprised to find out what language we would be learning. See, everyone was learning Afrikaans just to be able to greet one another and stuff, but once we get to our site, we’ll be speaking our own tribal languages. I found out I am going to be speaking ‘Rukwangali’ which is mainly spoken in the north, up near Angola. So more than likely I’ll be stationed around Rundo, a sizeable city on the Angolian river of about 10,000 people. It should be interesting.

After dinner, the health people met with Paul and Patrick who are current PCVs to talk about what goes on at site, what programs and projects they have created and just an overall view of what it will be like on our own. The one thing I was grateful for is that neither of them had a clue when they arrived. Cause seriously, I have no clue. I mean, I’m coming into this with an open mind and a bag full of tricks per se, but otherwise…no experience in things like writing proposals, organizing meetings, etc. etc. - it all just sounds so corporate.

We finished the evening by having ‘movie night’ and watched GOONIES. They set up a screen outside on the lawn and the IT guys connected Coleen’s laptop. We all laid on the grass or in chairs and enjoyed the cool breeze. It was like being at a drive-in. Of course, GOONIES came out when I was in high school - when most of the people here were 2-3 years old. I finally did call my folks to let them know everything was okay and then dropped Mark a phone call. Of course, my phone card ran out and he ended up calling me back later - only to be cut off because the pay phone here has a time limit that I wasn’t paying attention to. I looked up to see it counting down to 1 from 6 - enough time to say hey, love ya, gonna get cut off now, bye.

Thursday, Nov. 8:

Today was the most amazing day so far. We started with singing, as we usually do and then broke off into our language groups. I think I mentioned that I’m learning Rukwangali and I LOVE it. The language is so beautiful and easy to learn. Here is a typical (informal) greeting amongst people who live in the Kavango region:

Metaha. Good afternoon.

Metaha none. Good afternoon to you.

Ngapi nawa? Is it fine?

Inh, nawa. One? Yes, I’m fine, and you?

Nawa. I’m fine.

It’s just flows so easily - all the vowels and consonants sounds just like you think they do. Metaha is met-a-ha. Nawa itself means fine, beautiful, nice, smart, tasty, great, fantastic - it basically covers most positive adjectives - so the Rukwangali use it a lot.

I skipped lunch to finally go and exchange the last of my American dollars into Namibian and purchase my cell phone. So, the way to reach me by phone in Namibia is 011-264-81-3611720. I think you just dial those numbers one right after another, but you may have to dial the 011 first, then way a moment, then dial the rest. You probably have to use a land unless your sell phone as SIM capability. I would love ya’ll to call and leave messages for me. It actually doesn’t cost me a cent to receive phone calls OR to check my voicemail. The previous PCVs have given us some clues to saving money in reference to phone calls. They do a lot of ‘miss’ calling. They call the states and hang up after 1 ring, that clues the person there to call them back. They also do that amongst themselves just to say hello. They do a lot of texting as well, which I hate, but I suppose it’s the cheap way out.

All that said, the afternoon training went about in its’ normal fashion and we finished 90 minutes early. YEAH!!! Patrick, one of the current PCVs invited me to go on a hike to a local ‘squatter’s’ village which is similar to a ‘location’ - where people live in corrugated metal shacks. I was nervous at first but then decided I needed the experience to practice my Rukwangali. It was about 3 kilometers from the training center, so roundtrip was about 3 hours. You see people living like this on TV and in movies but are completely unprepared for actually WALKING in and through this area. It was stimulation overload. People were SO nice and stopped to chat with us and I got to speak the language and then they’d help correct me if I pronounced something wrong and teach me new words like ‘natulimona mogura’ = see you tomorrow. I walked out of there realizing that THAT was why I was here. The conversation to, during and on the way home with Patrick was great because he helped me feel at ease with my entire experience here.

Tonight, I met Luke, another current PCV who happens to be gay. It was nice to rap with him about all of that and completely be myself for a few minutes. Some of the other trainees in my group know about me and everyone is totally cool, but it was just nice to converse with someone on the same wavelength. Ngurova!

Friday, Nov. 9:

Another great day in training. I’m not sure if I’m just getting used to the hours or that the stuff we are learning is just becoming more interesting. We began with our 2 hours of language training and I learned how to say where I’m from and ask where you are, etc. More formal and informal greeting type things. There are these things in Rukwangali called ‘concords’ which are like prefixes that designate whether a word is masculine, feminine, plural, animal, human, etc. We have ‘suffixes’ in English which do similar things, but this concept is hard for me to grasp.

At lunch I went into town to add time to my cell phone. The way phones work here is, you buy one. Then you have to purchase your phone number separately on a SIM card. Once you buy that initial start-up card, you buy rechargeable cards or minutes to add to your cell number. The great thing about it, is that I can take the SIM card out of the back of my phone and use it in someone else’s and it takes away from my account, not theirs. I called Mark just to try and get him to call me back it and used 10 Namibian dollars in one minute - so needless to say, I won’t be calling on this end very often. I don’t have to pay to check voicemail NOR when I receive calls so feel free to buzz me when you like.

The afternoon training was on diversity, whether it was skin color, religion, sexuality, etc. They were trying to prepare us for all the different things we might experience while here. It was really interesting. We did this exercise where we got into a circle and the instructor would make a statement like ‘My parents are divorced’. Then, anyone who’s parents are divorced would step into the circle and the instructor would talk a minute about what it feels like to be on the inside circle AND the out. It gave us a few bits and pieces of information about each other and I think, will eventually make us that much tighter as a group. I mean, this is my family for the next 2 years.

The evening ended with another PCV giving a talk on GLBT issues in Namibia. For those of you not aware, up until very recently, homosexuality was illegal here and you could be arrested for up to 7 years if caught in the act. Things are very, very slowly beginning to change but this place is YEARS from being like the states - even though the US still isn’t where it needs to be on the issue. After talking with him at the end, we’ve decided to spearhead a program that will be based out of the PC office here in Windhoek. We are going to gather information including movies, magazine/newspaper articles, etc. that have positive images and message about gay and lesbian people. We want to create a resource for all future volunteers (Mulizembali in Rukwangali) so that if they are ever in a situation where they have a Namibian ‘come-out’ to them, not only can they be there for emotional support, but they can also give them a glimpse into what being gay for them could possibly be. See here, there is no concept. The word gay has no meaning. The gay men that do come to terms with themselves end up wearing dresses and make-up because they think that’s what it means. They don’t understand that they can be who they are without forcing some sort of unnecessary stereotype. In addition to that, if they do get the courage to come out to a PC volunteer, where do they go from there? They can’t tell anyone else OR their parents, so they have no outlet. All that said, Luke and I want to organize resource materials for this purpose. So, trust me, down the road, I am going to hit up all up for donations of stuff (i.e. Sending me a particular DVD).

Well, it’s Friday (Etitano) night and about half of the volunteers have gone into town to drink a but and I am hear typing away. I’m gonna take a quick shower and then curl up in bed with a book (which is another thing I may have to have people back in the states send me, cause I’ll be hard pressed to find good reading material here. As Jay said about PCVs, non-readers become readers, readers become writers and writers go crazy. I guess this journal is the beginning of my writing…

Saturday, Nov. 10:

Well, today I didn’t set my alarm and figured I would sleep in a bit. Woke up at 6:40 like clockwork though and decided to go ahead and start my day. Had some breakfast and then we had a cultural lesson on gender roles. I felt it was kind of boring, but others seem to be very into it. We broke early because the remainder of the day was set aside for us to experience some traditional cuisine prepared by our trainers. They each made meals that are generally served in the areas where we will be staying. I went into it with an open mind and cast iron stomach. Speaking of stomach, that is something I ate for the first time today - cow stomach to be more specific. I couldn’t keep it down, well, I couldn’t even swallow it. It looked like a morel mushroom but tasted like…well, I don’t know really. I continued on my adventure and decided to try some ‘smiley’. A ‘smiley’ is a goats head that has basically just been severed from the goat with a machete and thrown into a pot to cook all day. The reason they call it a ‘smiley’, is because when the facial muscles and skin cook, they shrink back on the skull and it makes it look like the goat is smiling. Sick, I know, lol, but I tried a piece just to be able to say I’ve eaten goat face. The Namibians were tearing into it though, eating the hose, eyes, brains….I had to walk away.

I then ventured over to a traditional Silosi meal. It was a stew made from donkey with dumplings. So, yes….if you’re wondering….I ate ass today…and it tasted like beef. There were other things I sampled, fruits, nuts, things that I’ve never eaten before and most I could handle - it was the ‘meat’ stuff that was difficult.

After that, and a quick nap, the health volunteers were invited to go to a location and talk to a traditional healer or witch doctor. Again I stepped into the world of corrugated metal shacks and unfamiliar smells. It was fascinating though, listening to him talk about how he was born a witch doctor because it was a breach birth and share some of the remedies he concocted for various ailments. What was more interesting was the hip hop song that played on his cell phone that went off during the discussion. It’s so interesting. You have this idea about what a country is going to be like and then forget that it’s 2007. Some of the other trainers have told me stores that you can travel out into the very rural parts of Africa where people like in huts without running water or electricity and yet they will have cell phones and internet access. Who knew? I found some time tonight to compile the pictures I’ve taken so far into a little slide show while everyone else is watching a pirated copy of American Gangster. Welcome to Namibia.

Sunday, Nov. 11:

Well, Sundays back home were my days to just chill and not plan much of anything. I’m discovering that here in Namibia, going about it that way makes the day drag on and on. I had breakfast, read a little, walked into town (though NOTHING is open on Sunday), and then around 3 in the afternoon went for a hike with a group. The hike was amazing - VERY tiring - but amazing just the same. I have great shots of the canyons, landscape and town of Okahandja. On the hike up we heard a group of baboons (which inhabit the area we were exploring) and saw lots of poop, but never actually saw them. Some people had hiked the day before and ran across a few, but we had no such luck. I was also hoping to run across a scorpion or two, but struck on with that as well. We hiked to about 1,000 feet of one particular mountain range and just took some time to look out over everything. It was a similar feeling to sitting on the edge of the grand canyon - it took my breath away. This is truly a beautiful country with many, contrasting features. I was interesting to see all the dried up rivers winding through the landscape. We are entering the rainy season and hopefully I’ll get to see some downpours and watch the rivers fill up. I was told that the rivers are still flowing, just underneath the sand.

Got back from the hike and was tired, but it was a good tired. Played some King Mao - which if I haven’t mentioned it yet, is the coolest card game EVER - and then crashed.

Monday, Nov. 12:

Yet another day of training, including both language (Kwafa nge rutugo!!! - Pass me a spoon please - cause you know, I’ll need to have that statement MEMORIZED to survive in the Kavango, lol) and an introduction into health projects. Most of today’s training consisted of information about sexually transmitted infections and HIV - which was nothing I didn’t already know.

After afternoon tea - oh yeah, did I mention, we break for morning AND afternoon tea each weekday - it’s a big thing in the culture here and they actually DO serve tea during that time and either cookies or small finger sandwiches…anyways, Margreth, my language instructor, decided to take us on a hike in order to practice Rukwangali. We ended up hiking to Fervent (spelling?), which is the squatter’s camp that Patrick and I hiked to a day or two ago. We stopped in the craft market briefly and of course I finally found some things that I want to buy, but I am going to wait until right before I leave, so as not to get hounded by the craftsmen. See, once you spend money at one person’s shop, they remember you, and each time you go back, they constantly want you to come and spend more. Also, you never want to pay more than ½ of what they quote you. The whole bargaining down the price thing is very new to me. But like I mentioned, I found a really cool bowl for fruit and longer, rectangular tray for bread. Both are made out of EBON wood, which is very black and shiny when polished. Oh, and did I mention all this dry air, me wearing sandals and the hiking has caused my heels to crack and bleed and re-crack something fierce. It’s nice and painful to walk right now.

Dinner was ready when we returned and afterwards I hiked to town to hit the internet café, which was staying open later just for us. I was able to get a very generic email out to everyone but found that I will be able to take my own computer in there and sign on. So, hopefully tomorrow night, I’ll have time to get to town and finally upload this journal for all of you to discover what’s been going on with me. So even though I don’t get to check email all that often, keep em’ coming. When snail mailing letters to me, address them to:

Brother David Church, US Peace Corps/Namibia

20 Nachtigal St.

Windhoek, Namibia

Also, a current PCV that is doing some sort of training are here, has a puppy. Oh God I miss my Austin. This puppy is SO cute. It’s some sort of Namibian mutt - short hair, almost wolfish face, thin legs - so f’n cute. I am seriously thinking about having a dog or a cat at my site. I think it would make it that much less lonely. I just sort of feel like I am cheating on my girl back home. Think she would forgive me?

Tuesday, Nov. 13:

Okay, so now the days are sort of blending into one another. Each day it seems to be the same thing over and over again. Language was rough today - we keep learning new phrases and vocabulary but NO GRAMMAR!!! We finally said something to our instructor about it and so today we worked on conjugated verbs. The problem is that there are no rules or at least no rules that she knows of to help us understand why some change one way and others, a different way. I WANT STRUCTURE!!! Lol.

Health training was sort of stagnant, outside of the condom demonstration. We were given wooden penises in our safe sex education kits and today Patrick demoed the proper way to open up and use a condom. He’s cute, that’s the only thing that made the class interesting. We then took a trip to a private doctor’s office to talk about healthcare from his perspective. The excursion was fairly boring but the one thing that stuck in my mind was when he said, and I quote “If I had known about HIV 30 years ago, I would NEVER have become a doctor’. HIV has reached ridiculous proportions here.

It finally rained and a few of us decided to just walk back to the compound in it. It was very refreshing, given how hot it’s been. As soon as it stopped, I packed up the laptop and headed for the internet café where I was finally able to attach my journal, check all 67 emails and respond and clean up my contact list a bit. I returned in time for dinner, but it wasn’t all that good tonight, so I should have just picked up something from Spar.

I chatted a bit with some current PCVs, played a couple rounds of King Mao, hung out and kissed on Tess (the dog I’m going to steal from Steve) and then played a video game on the laptop. I guess I should have been studying, but my mind was on overload, so that was out for today.

Wednesday, Nov. 14:

OH GOD I’M BORED!!!! That’s not to say that I’m not learning things (i.e. Language, health education stuff, etc.), it’s just that the days seem to stretch out here and once the evening hits…you sit around trying to create stuff to entertain yourself. I guess this is all in preparation for the next 2 years. Living alone, in a little flat, with no TV…nothing to do but read and stare at the walls. Oh, and stare at the very large, gelatinous spiders that are crawling across your feet. Yes, I was laying in the grass this evening playing with Tess (the dog) and I felt something against my foot, I gently reached down to brush it off, just in time for Wendy to say, wow, that’s a HUGE spider. I looked down and this ‘thing’ that was about the size of a mole (no lie!!!) and looked like something from Abe’s Odyssey, was scampering away in the grass. Seriously, this thing was so big. It had small legs but the abdomen was about the size of a golf ball. It was slightly orange, but somewhat transparent - you could see veins running through it. I will say, that the day I wake up in my bed to see one of these on me or the wall next to me, I’m going to shriek like a 13-year old girl. I’m not walking barefoot around here any MORE!!!

We had a guest speaker, a Namibian woman living with HIV. She was by far, the most interesting session we’ve had. You sit there and listen to her life and wonder, how the hell does something like this happen in 2007. She became positive by her bf but didn’t find out till she applied to become a pilot. When she told him she was positive, he accused her of cheating on him. Even though here, men cheat on their girlfriends/wives all the time, it’s a common thing…when the girl wants to get tested and/or finds out she is positive, then it’s the girls fault. She ended up getting pregnant by the guy (her 4 year old boy is fine) but when he died, his family blamed her. OH, and when she had her C-section, the female doctor performed a hysterectomy WITHOUT HER CONSENT. Up until recently, doctors did that to people with HIV so as not to continue having children who are positive. The stigma attached to positive people here is far greater than that of the states. Here, it doesn’t matter if you are male/female, you are outcaste by everyone - family, friends, employers. You can’t be fired for being positive, but even if you are in a position of authority, if your inferiors find out you have HIV they won’t listen to you, they will call you names and ignore you at work. It’s really bad. And, because of the gender inequality, women are blamed for bringing it into the relationship even though it’s the men who are not being monogamous.

Also, the concept of ‘sex’ here is very different. Sex here is JUST intercourse and rough intercourse at that. It’s strictly for pleasure of the man. AND women here do things to ‘dry out’ their vaginas so as to make themselves tight - hence being more pleasurable to the guy. DRY SEX is more common than not. This of course leads to more prevalence of HIV because of all the tearing of the vaginal walls due to no lubrication. My language group and I had a chance to chat a little more casually with our instructors - both females of about 25 years of age. They said that times are changing slightly, but they still feel their only role in sex is to please the man. Neither of them have experienced orgasms. This country is in need of a sexual revolution. I think they are where America was about 50 years ago. The problem is, is that they can’t afford to take 50 years to get to where we are. Too many people are going to die, unless traditional thoughts and behaviors begin to change rapidly.

Thursday, Nov. 15:

FIRST and foremost, let me just share with you something I found VERY disturbing. Remember the spider story from yesterday??? Well, this morning I overheard a conversation by the water cooler and come to find out, someone had killed that spider and people were commenting on how big it was. One of current PCVs said, ‘oh, that’s a haircutter spider or what most people call a ‘beardcutter’. A beardcutter? I proceeded to ask why and the answer is the disturbing part of my story. This spider, in order to build it’s nest, will track down dogs, cats and yes HUMANS and cut off their BODY HAIR!!!!!! YES!!! It crawls into people’s beds, especially men, and chews away pieces of hair in order to make it’s nest all nice and cozy. It PREFERS hair from the pubic region. Can I just say OMG! I mean really….Oh My God!

So besides the ‘spider’ update, today started out as all others - breakfast, meetings, language, morning tea, health education, lunch, then more language. So, for the most part, the typical non-eventful day in the life of a PC trainee. Afternoon language was REALLY boring because it’s so very hot during that time of the day and everyone is just dragging. Besides, we keep asking so many questions of our teachers that I think they are getting sick of us, lol.

We finished early and I walked up to the internet café to return some emails. Speaking of which, for those of you who wish to send me care packages (yes, please may I have another?) it probably isn’t’ a good idea to send anything perishable like cookies or chocolate. You can however send DVDs of movies you are tired of (or pirated copies of new releases - yes, I’ve stooped that low), toothpaste, shaving cream (no cans, stuff that comes in tubes), really good ink pens (liquid ink, not ball point), pads of paper, envelopes, Q-tips, peanut butter (it’s a comfort food), matches, bars of soap, razor blades (the kind that go with the razor that has a vibrating handle - so to be so picky, but otherwise I get serious razor burn, lol), gum, hard candies, etc. When it gets closer to Christmas I’ll ask for more specific things, J.

The evening ended with a session on financial building secondary projects you can start in your community, such as basket weaving, gardens, etc. These not only provide income to the local people involved, but also build self esteem and increase skill levels. I think it would be cool, depending on my site, to get grant money for women to raise and sheer sheep. Then, turn the wool into yarn, hand dye it and teach them how to knit it into scarves and throws. THEN, get connected with a source back in the states to sell their goods. Who wouldn’t want an organically grown, 100% wool, hand-dyed/knit scarf? We also touched upon home based health care for people with TB and HIV. Overall, the session left me pumped about getting to my site in January and getting busy with the community I will be integrating for the next 2 years. A lot of what I’ll be doing is brand new to me and somewhat scary, but just being able to make a small, positive change in the lives of these people is worth it. I ended the night by teaching another yoga class - this time, a few Namibians joined in. They were laughing at each other and us with some of the positions, but by the end of the class were doing fairly well and enjoying themselves.

Friday, Nov. 16:

The time for waiting ended today. We FINALLY found out where we are going to spend the next 2 years. I, will be staying in a very small village called Mpungu Vlei. It has a population of less than 1,000. I will be working at the health center - it’s technically their hospital, but since there is no doctors (only nurses), it isn’t called that. The nursing staff live in houses on the compound and I’ll have my own house there. I even have a porch! The trade off for getting my own pad (I say pad, in the sense that my entire house will probably be under 500 sq. feet) is that I am 50 kilos from the next volunteers. I am about 2 hours west of Rundu and most of the other health volunteers are along the Kavango River - Justin is in Rupara, Stephanie in Nzinze, Wendy in Nankudu and Sarah is in Nkurenkuru. The worst part of it is that I am 10 hours from the conference center here in Okahandja. So, every time I have to come back here for a training or a ‘re-connect’, I have to hitch for that 10 hour stretch. AND, seeing that I have to take 2 or 3 different highways to get here, there may be HOURS in between one car ride and another. Anyone who knows me KNOWS, riding in a car for long hours at a time is NOT MY THING.

Later, our supervisors began to arrive. These are the people we report to while at our site. The introductions are tomorrow, so I see all these unfamiliar faces and wonder which one I’ll be fighting with over the next 2 years, lol. A lot of volunteers went into town to celebrate, but I stayed back to get a head start on packing for Sunday - though, some of us might be leaving in the morning. I’ve also took on the task of creating a slide show of Nam27’s journey so far, so I spend a few hours collecting and composing pics. I’m hoping to have a 90 minutes who for us to watch the night before we are sworn in on Jan. 9th.

Saturday, Nov. 17:

Woke up early today, around 5 - guess I was just anxious to meet my super and find out more about my site. Headed to breakfast, where ALL the supervisors were, but still didn’t know who was who. At 9, we met in the big conference room and 1 by 1, they would yell out a site and the volunteer going there along with the supervisor from there, would stand up. We then went off by ourselves to meet/greet one another. My super is Mr. Sebedeus Lyambezi, who goes by just Lyambezi. He seems very nice and also VERY eager to get me there and start me working, lol. Let’s just say I’m going to have to introduce him to the word - halitosis. How can I do that in a respectful way? J

As a Health Extension Volunteer I will be responsible for the following:

To plan and implement programs involving the youth in the community on health and life skills. Help with adolescent friendly health activities with regard to malaria prevention and home based care. Conduct community health trainings and awareness talks. Train and assist health workers to plan projects and accomplish heir goals. Help with project management skills and proposal writing for HIV/AIDS, malaria and TB. Establish support groups to work on stigma and increase access to services. Help to get the community resource people more active. Establish a community garden at the clinic with the HBC workers as an income generation and food security project. Help develop health education materials with scarce resources but great need.

Okay, WHEW!!! I read and re-read my job description and wonder…what the F have I gotten myself into? I have NEVER done anything like this in my life. Talk about stretching yourself! I joined the PC cause I wanted to learn and grow - maybe I should have been a little more specific about exactly how MUCH I wanted to grow, lol. PLEASE pray that I can keep a lid on things (i.e. My mental state, stress level, etc.)

Most of us left today to venture out into the unknown, while a few remained behind to head out in the morning. I’m getting ready to go do an hour of yoga and then watch ‘The Big Lebowski’. I’m hoping I can get a good night’s rest without freaking myself out too much about the LONG day ahead tomorrow.

Sunday, Nov. 18:

It is a very dark night for me here. We left at 7:30 this morning to head from Okahandja to Mpungu, which is to be the place I am living for the next 2 years. Along the way we dropped off Justin, Stephanie, Wendy and Sarah at their respective sites. With each stop, I found the knot in my stomach growing. Each town seemed more desolate, less inhabited and just plain, farther away from ANYTHING. I finally arrived at my place around 8:00 tonight. I am in a bad way - that’s the only way I can describe it. First, I am completely alone and as I sit here typing this and crying my eyes out, I realize very strongly that I don’t LIKE being this alone. I enjoy having time to myself….but this is a whole other ball game. Maybe it’s the long day and the hours in the car and seeing all my new found friends leave, but I have reached a point of vulnerability that I don’t think I’ve experienced before. The ‘flat’ that I am living in is one big room, with a private bath. There is no shower curtain in the shower, the sink leaks and the toilet won’t stop refilling. There are small cockroach type things crawling everywhere, it’s VERY hot and I don’t even have a fan, there is no stove or fridge yet (so I can’t even keep the food I brought along with me to eat this week, cold) and I am sleeping in a hospital type twin bed with just a piece of foam for a mattress. There is nothing on the walls and fluorescent lighting on the ceilings. The ceilings are metal, so I had to rig my mosquito net up with hospital bandages. I have NO cell phone ability here, NO landline phone in my room and NO internet connection. I thought I would be okay with ‘roughing’ it a bit…but I am starting to believe that I didn’t think this thing through too clearly. I CAN’T be this disconnected from everyone and everything. I guess the people who live here grew up in this type of isolation and so they have nothing to compare it to, but this is HARD. Is it just me? I mean, what was I expecting from this? To have a nice big house to roam around in - do my job during the day and come home to my comfy pad? Maybe I was…just a little. My stomach is in knots and I wonder if I am going to get ANY sleep tonight at all. Since we arrived in the night, I have no idea what this town looks like but if it’s in any way, comparable to the ones we dropped the other people off at, I fear I will not be able to adjust to this. I had wanted to be in a more urban setting…thinking that I would venture out into the more rural communities on a ’need to’ basis. This isn’t just rural here, I’m literally in the middle of NO-WHERE. I am being such a baby right now, I realize this…I honestly hope I can ’deal’ and adjust over the next few days to the point where I can give this a shot. But everything I am feeling at this very moment, combined with this nagging feeling that I cannot do what is going to be asked of me is making my stomach turn and my body ache. I REALLY wish I could call and talk to someone right now….I need to talk to someone…I have no outlet for all this emotion building up inside me. All that keeps running through my head is that I WANT TO GO HOME. And thinking of that makes it worse because I don’t have a home to go to. I sold it, gave up my business, put everything into storage to come to Africa to do some good. What was I thinking? I can’t handle this. Can I? On some level did I think that by ’sacrificing’ this much, it would make my ‘volunteerism’ mean more? Why was I not content with repainting rooms and working as a resident manager at Caracole? I know on a very deep level I want to give something back to the world…but is this it? Am I built for this? And if I’m not…what does that mean? Will I forever regret or beat myself up for leaving? Is it ‘giving up’ or is it being realistic? Am I just fragile because the last 3 weeks have been a rollercoaster and now I’m left with nothing but my thoughts? Hell, I don’t even think there is a post office in this town and I may have to travel back and forth to Rundu to pick up my mail.

So, I just ventured outside my flat and walked around the compound a bit. To get some air and I had hoped, to clear my head a bit. It didn’t help. I just made me feel more isolated. I realize in this moment, that if I was ever wrongly convicted of a crime and sent to prison, I would perish within the first 24 hours. This feels very close to prison. I know I’m complaining and a part of me feels like a complete pussy right now but I just DON’T want to be here. Does it mean I’m weak? I just wonder what everyone else is experiencing in this moment. Shouldn’t I feel more excited? I pray that I can make it through the night and that hopefully, once I experience this place in the daytime, that I will begin to feel more at ease. Right now I am just questioning all my reasons for being here. Hell, Ruth is 70 and she’s doing it. Is it me? Is it just homesickness? Is it exhaustion from the trip? Is it just being so ALONE!?!?!?

Monday, Nov. 19:

It’s about 12:30 and though I usually write in this journal at night, I am sitting here after lunch with nothing to do. I am 7-9% better than I was last night but I’m not sure if that’s only because I’m distracted with talking with my supervisor or all the walking I’m doing to check out the town and area. I’m still fighting the ‘wanting to flee the country’ feeling. Where IS the line between self-preservation and ‘working through it’? I realize that if I was only going to be here for a few weeks, hell, even a month or two, that I could handle it. So, I’m thinking that the idea of 2 years (2 YEARS!!!) is what is making me nervous. I had a long chat with my super about what he is hoping to accomplish while I am here and some of it I don’t feel comfortable with at all and other parts I’m okay. The parts I’m not comfortable with are just things like implementing programs, facilitating discussion with local community members, things like that. It’s all just new to me. Other things we talked about like counseling for pre- and post- HIV testing, safe sex education and hell, and even me training other people in massage - all of these I’m comfortable with, it’s just the fact that I don’t speak the language fully is where the fear comes in. I mean, how the hell am I supposed to counsel someone who just found out they are positive if they can’t understand what I am saying?

Oh, and that knot in my stomach…every minute that I sit in my ‘flat’ I feel the walls closing in around me and that knot grows bigger. Where is all this self-doubt coming from? Is it JUST the fear of the unknown or was I not ready for this? I mean, the other PCVs seemed SO excited about getting to their sites and getting going with projects. I wish I could talk to some of them now, but I have to wait until Saturday. It’s going to be a long week.

I thought for a minute that it may be that I am truly a spoiled American and that I can’t handle the desolation and poverty that I am facing and well, having to live in here. But I don’t think it’s that. I’m not judging anyone nor have I had a situation yet that has caused me to shake my head. I hope to God that by Thursday or Friday I feel better because going back to Okahandja with my friends and continuing training will only amplify my feelings of isolation when I return here in January. Is a week enough time to ‘settle’ in to the point of knowing for sure whether something is right for you or not? I really don’t want to give up on this but I also refuse to ‘force’ myself to endure something just because I’m worried about letting someone down or how I think people will perceive me if I come home.

It’s now 7:30 and I’m back to the same place I was in last night. I can’t eat, I can’t relax, I can’t do ANYTHING because there is NOTHING to do. I’m truly wondering if I came here for all the wrong reasons. And, adding to the fact that I experienced so much chance just prior to coming here. Selling my house, closing my business and leaving my friends was enough. I think that if I had just moved to a different city I would still be sad, but I’d have the stimulus of the life of the city to distract or embrace me. I am literally left with nothing but my thoughts here. When I went up north with the family for the 4th, there was nothing to do there either. But I had the interaction with the family. When I went on vacation to Portland, Maine by myself that one time, I remember the first night being very hard for me. Feeling so alone. But, again, I had the city to distract me and the next day met someone to hang out with. So is the bottom line I just don’t do well on my own? Is that normal? Are most people okay just being with themselves. How do old people who lose their spouse and end up alone handle it? Could it be that I can’t commit in a relationship because I fear that person will eventually be gone and I’ll be alone. So I live alone, seeing people when I want, so as to be in ’control’ of that situation? I mean, I think if I went on a retreat for a week or two where I was alone or couldn’t talk, I could handle it…but I know there is an end in sight. The idea of 2 years here is hanging over my head like a knife. Is it all about distraction for me? I mean, if I was here and had a TV with cable and/or internet access - things to occupy my time…would I feel as intensely overwhelmed?

Tuesday, Nov. 20:

Another night of not sleeping very much and waking to the ever-growing ulcer in my stomach.

Today, Lyambezi (my super) had arranged a meeting with the members of his ’community development’ group. They consisted of the principal of the high school, the pastor (Zacharia Angola), the local agricultural agent, a teacher and the headman. The headman is sort of like a mayor/elder. People go to him to discuss all sorts of issues. The meeting was to introduce me to everyone and to give them an idea what Peace Corps is all about and what I’m doing here. Did I mention the knot in my stomach? Lol. Seriously…is this how people develop ulcers? Every minute of each day that I’ve been here has been uncomfortable. It’s not even just being out of my element, it’s like I no longer have one. I just wonder if I can handle the pressure of this assignment and the isolation that comes along with it.

I was also introduced to my ’foster’ family. They are supposed to be my home away from home so to speak. I also learned, that I will be staying with them tonight. Sleeping at their homestead. Sleeping in a hut. A hut. A shack constructed of some sticks and corrugated metal for a roof. Seriously…when do I become comfortable or at ease? I really wonder if it’s just me. I can’t wait to get back to Okahandja and find out how everyone else felt or is feeling for that matter. I did learn, through my super, that Wendy, one of the PCVs we dropped off in Nankudu, left the very next morning to stay with Stephanie in Nzinze. I think she was very uncomfortable where she was staying. I don’t know if this means she isn’t returning to this particular assignment or is just waiting for new sleeping arrangements. I know when we dropped her off that if it had been my site, I would have ran screaming for the airport. As far as standards go, I have it lucky as far as accommodations. I just happen to be in the middle of nowhere.

What I’m facing now is guilt. The men of this village are very excited (esp. my super) about me being here and expect great things. So now I’m trying to discover within myself if I can still walk away from this. Now…all that said. I met a volunteer teacher today. A white guy from Chicago. He’s here teaching computer science. I mention he’s white, because he and I are it. I had no idea there was another volunteer from the states here. I was VERY excited to meet him and after lunch, I am heading up to the school to sit him down and chat. There is also a white girl from Britain here, Kristin. So maybe, between the 2 of them, they can provide an emotional support and understanding to help me get through my first few months here. I plan on informing them that I will see them EVERY day, lol.

Okay, I just got back from visiting with both Alex and Kristina. Turned out, they are both PCVs NOT VSOs. They are part of Nam26, the group right before me and have been here a year. THEY are my saving grace!!!!!! After talking with them for about an hour, my stomach pain began to subside and I’m feeling about 50% better than I did the first day. They are going to be my lifeline. I believe I will still have an issue with ’things to do’ seeing that my job description is very vague, but I’m feeling much better about the downtime. It’s funny to think about how I always made sure I had that time to myself back home and now that I’m faced with having plenty of it, I’m freaking out a bit.

I think I’ve pretty much made my mind up that I’m not staying at this site. As the day worn on, even after talking with the 2 PCVs, I realized that I am just not cut out for this type of isolation. Having a lot of time with nothing to do is one thing, but having a lot of time and having NOTHING to do is different. They have both been here a year and basically said that if it wasn’t for one another, they would have left. They are teachers and they talk about having nothing to do all the time. Kristen was put here to train teachers and she said that for the past year she has done NOTHING. The few workshops she taught, most of the teachers didn’t show up because they weren’t interested. So in the year that she’s been here, she coached a volleyball team twice a week, cleaned out and organized a resource center for the teachers (who never use it) and conducted 7 workshops that were marginally attended. Her job sounds very much like mine, as far as not having any structure and having to create it out of thin air. I mean, if I’m in an area where there is nothing, how do I create things that induce positive change? I realize that this job entails me digging deep within myself, but I just don’t think I’m capable of digging THIS deep AND being this isolated. I will stick it out over the next 2 days, but unless something miraculous happens that motivates me to stay…I will inform PC on Friday afternoon that they need to re-assign me.

Wednesday, Nov. 21:

I slept better last night than I had since I’ve been here but still woke around 5. It began to rain heavily shortly afterwards and so in about 20 minutes, I was back asleep. The sound of the rain and the cool breeze aided my slumber. I have still decided to ask to be moved to a different site. This is me being realistic and not me running away. I can handle the heat, the bugs, the food, the people, the language, any type of accommodation, etc. but what I know I can’t handle is isolation. I need to be stationed in a bigger ‘town’ and then venture out into the more desolate regions on day or overnight trips. I think that if I had a roommate, it would make it easier to adjust to the emptiness here - like Alex and Kristin. They share a 2-bedroom and thus are each other’s support EVEN if they aren’t talking. Just being in the same room with someone, having that connection, having that shoulder. I realize they are within walking distance of me and I could see them every day, but it is not enough. I could venture out to Mpungu to teach particular workshops and things every now and again, but I cannot live here. I was going to tell my supervisor yesterday about my decision, but seeing that I don’t know what HIS or my options are until I talk to Lejeune at the office, I feel it unfair to burden him with this information. There might be someone who has found their living arrangements to not be up to par and is looking for something like I have here. It would be wonderful if I got back to Okahandja and discovered that someone who was placed in a city, would have rather been more isolated. Then maybe, we could just switch places. Today I am planning on riding with someone to Nkurenkuro to pick up some test results. I am hoping to run into Sarah while there and see how things have been going with her. The knot is my stomach is still there and I feel won’t be removed until I leave this place. Friday morning I am out of here and will spend a day or two re-grouping with some fellow PCVs for Thanksgiving. Then I am off to Divundu to shadow Paul for a week. I will let PC know my intentions when I get to Rundu this Friday, that way they have a week before I come back to Okahandja to work on finding me somewhere else. I asked Alex last night if he thought they would just send me home if I wasn’t willing to be where I was assigned. He said that a handful of people returned from their site visits in his group and asked to be re-assigned and they were. I’m hoping that’s the case. I know what my limitations are and what I am willing to push myself through. Isolation, is NOT one of them. I know that even if I am in a larger city, that I may be ‘alone’ but I feel having access to SOMETHING will make it easier on me than being in the middle of nowhere.

Thursday, Nov. 22:

Where do I begin? Today’s entry actually begins with what would have been last nights. Yesterday, around 3o’clock I hitched a ride with the health center’s ambulance driver while he took some blood samples to Nankudo Hospital. It was just a way for me to ‘get