hello. just stepped out of the time black hole that is end of the school year, vacations (prepping for new year) and beginning of a new school year. is it really almost february?

some highlights:

-growing elementary school...more responsibility, more blessing.

-sewing project off and running...still learning a lot.

-driving! a stick shift! in managua!! (this is nothing short of a miracle)

-slow mending within broken relationships. slow going, but evident.

-deepening friendships.

-accepted into Grad school...offered a grant...but not enough to cover all costs. not going to study right now. at peace with this decision. a wise decision.

-HACIA only 38 days away...will we be ready???

-experiencing homesickness, four years in. odd and hard to define at times.

-seeing the beginning of an end and not sure how i feel about that.

-making some serious habit changes...a slow road but i know it will be worth it at all.

where have you all been these last three months?

thank God it's October...because that means September is OVER. what a month.

a move, a new project, bi-weekly meetings, patriotic festivals, reading festival, multiplication competition, reading competition, 100s of papers graded, finish of a block, teacher meetings and workshops...

i'm worn down. and when i was at my most tired point, i heard this message...about coming to Him to find rest.

so simple. something i already knew. but wasn't actually practicing. i go to food, to the office, to a book, to music, to whatever else....because i can see it, i can feel it...and in my mind, it was the automatic answer...ah yes, what i need is to sleep and watch the office and drink Dr Pepper and eat chips and cream cheese + salsa...that will totally make me feel rested. Anyone surprised that i felt more tired after all that??

because what's really going on, even beyond the physical exhaustion of being so busy, is a soul weariness...for all the deeper things that have been transpiring. and i can't say i've really taken time to look into that...cus i don't want to. it's more fun to laugh at dwight and slurp soda. but it's not effective.

so, little by little, i'm coming. i'm going to Him first, not after all the other junk. i'm trusting that He will give me rest...even though it seems impossible.

and you know what? He has :)little by little i'm seeing that promise take root in my life...and i want to see it grow.

in other news, i'm going to participate in a 5K next Sunday for cancer research...just found out about it, and no i have not been training. the winner of the race gets a free trip to the US!! I was so motivated when i set out to run today, oh yea, i'm totally going to win this with my WILLPOWER...that lasted about 2 laps around the soccer field. well. probably won't win. and probably won't run the whole way. but i'll participate!

now i'm off to clean, wash laundry and find some rest. happy october people.

i could blame this lack of a post on the dead battery/charger for my dell laptop. which does have a certain weight, but the reality is that i´ve been avoiding this post for a while. because it´s uncomfortable. and i´m not sure how to do it. so i´ve been dawdling.

but i´ve found that just dealing with the truth as soon as you can is much more effective than letting it hide.

how do you talk about leaving a church and why you left it WITHOUT saying things that will inevitably be harmful to the people inside the church? doesn´t matter that they don´t even read my blog nor do they speak English...but for integrity´s sake.

i kind of think that you can´t. and it´s what makes this all so much more awful...because he believes that i would do that. not in a blog necessarily, but that i would go around running my mouth to harm and bring him down. *sigh*

how do you be a part of a church where your race is what defines you (not by choice but by others´perception) and not who you are as a daughter of the King? how do you walk in your abilities and in community if they do not appreciate or trust those abilities, based on false pretexts? What do you do when if you stay, you die spiritually and if you go, you are shunned? how do you face the reality that what you believed to be an intimate, trusting, respectful friendship is actually not that at all?

how do you react in love and forgiveness when someone smears your character in front of everyone?

11 Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. [Matthew 5: 11 - 12]

i feel like i´m exaggerating to put that up there...like what i´m passing through is anything like the persecution He experienced. but it reminds me, that if in a tiny teeny little way this is happening, i am blessed. and i have no reason to get all caught up in it, to get hurt and brought down...why give more fuel to something i stepped out of??? why let it continue to affect me at all??

so we move forward. we give thanks for the little things...the little congregation that has received us, the little moments of acceptance to be who He has made me to be, the little freedoms to walk in what i feel He has called me to walk.

so rejoice with me friends...pray with me for healing, for kindness, for repentance, for reconcilliation.

let us TRUST Him to do the work.

i feel like doing a little list to share with you all, as i find that sometimes they communicate what i'm thinking just a little bit better.

- i LOVE teacher workshops - that is, i love giving them. i had the opportunity to lead a teacher workshop on developing a biblically integrated computer curriculum and it was so vibrant to see these teachers meld their ideas together to create one common goal, to see them work diligently together and change their ideas. LOVE it. and got invited back for the 30th, so i guess to some degree they loved it too :).

- i don't particularly like being in teacher workshops because they tend to be tedious and sometimes irrelevant...like today's. BUT it did allow me some space, some time to enjoy my lunch (only ONE parent interruption)with some quality people.

- my life is exhausting. and yet i'm grateful for what i'm doing. win-win?

- yes, i'm baking cookies that i will consume today, even though it's 10:40 pm, BECAUSE i have tomorrow off (thanks Saint Domingo) and i've got Harry Potter 4 in Spanish and the Office season 2 waiting to entertain me.

- i am really enjoying these growing tendrils of community: two couples that we make dinners with, a new bible study, a girl next door. so glad.

- sometimes the most beautiful thing we can do is be compassionate with someone...take that moment to really hear them, to speak into their lives, to just love them where they are at...i want to be this all the time, and not just in blips here and there.

- no GREAT things, only small things with GREAT love....mother teresa.

- umm, if you have the capability you should totally go to this...and you should look for her and her...HOW I WISH I COULD GO! should be just amazing.

- let's go lower and lower and lower and weaker and weaker and weaker so HE may be LIFTED UP and show His STRENGTH...amen.

- totally miss my walking buddies. and the KSU gym. and the energy/time to keep up with beachbody insanity.

- wish i could have permanent vacation....if only i didn't love my job so much!

- sometimes i forget i'm an introvert...and after 11 hours of PEOPLE and all that entails, i just want to hide. but praise God for always giving enough. (wouldn't do to be cranky with parents, teachers, students, etc)

- did you know that I love you? that i think of you and pray for you and bless you? that i'm deeply interested in what you are doing and going through? it's true. remember that :)

Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero tal vez la quiero.

Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido.

Porque en noches como ésta la tuve entre mis brazos,

mi alma no se contenta con haberla perdido.

Aunque éste sea el último dolor que ella me causa,

y éstos sean los últimos versos que yo le escribo.

[Pablo Neruda, Poema 20]shared by one of my students on facebook, followed by his 'ori-genial' poem...LOVE that i get to be a part of this creative blossoming.

"man was God ever smart to not let us be in control.

as i'm passing through this pressing that i described, i have experienced this up and down and all around thought train that leaves me dizzy. one minute, i feel completely confident in my actions and my stance and the next i am POSITIVE that i am the cause of all this, that i am the one who is completely off her rocker.

it makes it difficult to know if one is doing the right thing."

this was written about a week ago and left hanging. but i want to share with you a Word that particularly gave me freedom and peace...i have bolded those that particularly reached my raw heart.

Psalm 31[a]

For the director of music. A psalm of David.

1 In you, LORD, I have taken refuge;

let me never be put to shame;

deliver me in your righteousness.

2 Turn your ear to me,

come quickly to my rescue;

be my rock of refuge,

a strong fortress to save me.

3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,

for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

4 Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,

for you are my refuge.

5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;

deliver me, LORD, my faithful God.

6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols;

as for me, I trust in the LORD.

7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,

for you saw my affliction

and knew the anguish of my soul.

8 You have not given me into the hands of the enemy

but have set my feet in a spacious place.

9 Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am in distress;

my eyes grow weak with sorrow,

my soul and body with grief.

10 My life is consumed by anguish

and my years by groaning;

my strength fails because of my affliction,[b]

and my bones grow weak.

11 Because of all my enemies,

I am the utter contempt of my neighbors

and an object of dread to my closest friends—

those who see me on the street flee from me.

12 I am forgotten as though I were dead;

I have become like broken pottery.

13 For I hear many whispering,

“Terror on every side!”

They conspire against me

and plot to take my life.

14 But I trust in you, LORD;

I say, “You are my God.”

15 My times are in your hands;

deliver me from the hands of my enemies,

from those who pursue me.

16 Let your face shine on your servant;

save me in your unfailing love.

17 Let me not be put to shame, LORD,

for I have cried out to you;

but let the wicked be put to shame

and be silent in the realm of the dead.

18 Let their lying lips be silenced,

for with pride and contempt

they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

19 How abundant are the good things

that you have stored up for those who fear you,

that you bestow in the sight of all,

on those who take refuge in you.

20 In the shelter of your presence you hide them

from all human intrigues;

you keep them safe in your dwelling

from accusing tongues.

21 Praise be to the LORD,

for he showed me the wonders of his love

when I was in a city under siege.

22 In my alarm I said,

“I am cut off from your sight!”

Yet you heard my cry for mercy

when I called to you for help.

23 Love the LORD, all his faithful people!

The LORD preserves those who are true to him,

but the proud he pays back in full.

24 Be strong and take heart,

all you who hope in the LORD.

Thank you Lord.

i left my church today. the church that has been my home since i came to El Crucero.

it's heartwrenching and sad, and yet hopeful...because He has saved me, called me out into something bigger.

please pray for this transition, for the church i'm leaving behind and the church I'm joining. for lying lips to be silenced, for odious spirits to be tied up and sent away. let there be freedom and reconciliation.

i can't even begin to express how good it feels to be able to BREATHE.

i enjoy a good crisp white wine with supper. i adore that Jesus busted out the best wine at the end of a wedding feast. and i love the idea of wine being crushed or pressed out of grapes. it reminds me of the hope that something rich and good can come out of a hard and painful process.

there isn't a way to simply express the heaviness, the weight of this pressing like the wine press that slowly threshes the juice from yielding skins. i feel that weight, and like those grapes i feel like my very essence is dripping away. it's exhausting. to think that i really believed in change, that i really trusted that they too were taking the journey of forgiveness and humility. that we were really walking towards restoration. that the wine press had been put away.

and yet here we are. suddenly i find myself squeezed again, right back where i was before and surprised, because it's not what i expected.

before, wine was made by crushing the grapes with harvest dances. as wine making advanced, they began to make presses to improve sanitary conditions but also to improve the overall quality of the wine. it becomes richer, lasts longer and even reduces the need for the winemaker to use preservatives. pressed, and not crushed leads to a better final product.

did you catch that? richer. longer. less preservatives. better final product. sounds like how i'd want to describe my journey, my spiritual life.

so i stop letting this latest press freak me out. i stop struggling against it, as if i could stop it or change it. instead, i yield, trusting the Winemaker to take the sorrow and hurt and longing that is poured out and turn it into something that blesses.

i'm always blown away by the Lord. meaning my vision of Him is always way smaller than who He is...which keeps me humble. :)

i have two stories i want to share, and they're both sharing the same idea: that God is in control, that God is able, that God has an intricate and beautiful plan...or in general, i need to TRUST the Lord.

the first one involves some Mexicans, a wheelchair and a warm night. anyone want to take a stab at that one??

randomly my husband got called to take a girl to managua and randomly i decided to tag along. then randomly, i didn't want air conditioning so we rolled down the windows. randomly the man in the jeep next to us asked how to get to Costa Rica (a common question in the middle of managua's highways). they start to follow us and my husband decides randomly to talk with them so they don't freak out when they see us winding up the mountain and there are no lights. so we randomly stop at a gas station and realize they are taking a donation from Mexico to Costa Rica to a parapalegic kid and oh yea, they only have a half tank of gas and not one peso (mexican or nicaraguan). so we randomly have 30 cords we can use to pay for their parking at the gas station so they can stay overnight and wait for a money order.

o sea. randomly? i don't think so. as we drove up the hill towards home i just laughed. how is it possible that i can see these intricate weavings in others' lives, and point out how the Lord is totally working it out for them and yet I worry and doubt in my own life? more grace is needed.

and then there's this whole confronting the lies, opening the doors, stepping out thing that i'm doing and i'm just left without words. in the few days after i posted about why i haven't been sharing, i have been invited to speak at three different events. THREE. i haven't taught outside the English classroom since I came to Nicaragua. and all of sudden there are all these new opportunities. there is movement and discussion and it's like a huge wall fell down and i'm exposed.

and it terrifies me...my gut reaction is to hide, to pretend that i don't have time, pretend that i can't because i'm too busy. but that would make me an OBVIOUS hypocrite, which i try to avoid being as much as possible.

so here's to being dazzled, awed, and just plain stunned by my Father who is "able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

glory.

so a while back i was complaining to the Lord (and probably anyone who would listen) about how i am really lacking a community here. the aftermath of some really painful stuff left me isolated and left out in my church community. thankfully, through His grace, there has been healing and there is a recuperation that is happening...most of all, there's just some plain ol' obedience. so i know it's gonna get better. but i had just been feeling sad, lonely...missing my sister friends from kansas and those that really KNOW me. you know?

and then i got some pretty sweet skyping.and random dinner invites. and then i started seeing opportunities spring up here, little blips of invitations to participate, to be part of this church community.

would you believe me if i told you i don't want to do any of it?? (except the skyping. that was good. and the dinners. those were delicious)

i know. i KNOW. i can't quite figure it out. but then i thought of Moses. Moses was pretty awesome, breaking up fights and defending his fellow men. and in the middle of this, the Israelites are complaining hardcore because of their bondage. So God came down and in a really outlandish way got Moses' attention, trying to place him as a leader. He even gave him a snakey stick and a leprosy trick and some bloody river water flair to help him 'prove' his 'real-dealness' to the people. to the community he would be entering. but Moses was still like, nah, i can't. so God got pretty mad and then He placed Aaron as his mouth. because in the end, Moses said, Your will be done. 'Please, Lord, now send the message by whomever You will.'

as i have these new chances to be back in my community, i feel resistance. but in the end, i want to say yes to Him. i think i've just gotten comfortable in my little hidey-hole that i carved out in my soul over these past months and i don't really want to come out. too risky, too unknown. and i feel like i can't. like Moses.

i don't expect He'll send me a mouthpiece like Moses (besides, my brother is in kansas and i'm in nicaragua) but i know He'll equip me.

so instead of being anxious and resistant, i'll say yes. i'll get out there, wet my feet a bit. will i mess up? most likely. will i feel uncomfortable? yep. but will it be worth it?

i can only hope so.

what are the difficulties you've encountered in community? how did you overcome?

can i be really honest? i mean, like, beyond what most would be comfortable saying when they're being really sincere?

i don't write here...because i feel invisible. and that it's not worth putting it out there. that it doesn't matter. that what i'm living and doing isn't important.

yep. said it. all of its ugly glory. and those who would rush to say but that's not true! don't say it. it will just feed this ugly lie.

what is the truth? Lamentations says "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him." He is enough. He is what makes this worth it, any of it!

i guess we could call this a refining moment. the layers being peeled back to reveal just another crack in what i like to pretend is perfect. c'mon...everyone likes to think that they're right...we have difficulty saying i screwed up, i have flaws.

what i'm realizing is that this particular belief of mine may very well be silencing something God wants me to do...not because people will read it, not because it will make an impact, not any reason other than He wants me to do it...which means it will be for good.

so i'm gonna ask for more grace. grace upon grace He promises, so i'm gonna take Him at His word. and i'm gonna try to do this. because i feel deeply that its something i'm supposed to be doing...for whatever reason.

so here it goes.

i'm wound tight, tight, tight. mind and body tensed and tired under this load...the work load,the physical load, the emotional load. even as i type this, my feet and fingers just tap tap tap. partly a break in coke restriction, in an effort to get all this paperwork done...and partly because i didn't run today...but mostly because its just all too much for me.

but not for Him. May sucked, from my perspective. debilitating illness, overly busy at work, death of a precious father, breaking, division, hurt, weariness.

you just want to scream, you know? to just say, enough! this is not good. i don't LIKE this. i don't WANT this.

but i don't even have to put what He says. just look at the cross. the journey to get there. His utter silence before accusers, His grittiness to endure. to keep going...and to do it, trusting in His Father and who He is and His ability to do what He says.

i forget. because all that other stuff kind of pushes its way to the forefront.

but then i'm reminded. by a sister. by that sweet Presence. by a moment, a word, a glance, a squeeze.

so i bend. i kneel. i break apart. because in the end, there's beauty in that brokenness, that offering. a renewal to move forward. and this wonderful awareness of others pain and suddenly just the right word, glance or squeeze that might be comfort to them when their month sucks.

it's worth it. we say yes.

we are on week two of No Water Experience. as if we signed up for this ;). there are two things that astound me. one, it is unbelieveable how much work and TIME it takes to just get the water a house of two needs...for the very basics, like washing dishes, flushing the toilet, bathing and washing the occasional sock and underwear. and two, its surprising how MUCH water it takes to do those very simple things. all by hand, all done with as much saving as possible...and still, a vast quantity. we come home from work, spend a couple hours getting water, another hour using that water and fall into bed exhausted (not mentioning the everyday responsibilities like dinner making, house cleaning, feeding puppies, cleaning puppies and grading). so today, as we got up at 530 to start it all again, in hopes of washing some clothes too, i just felt this love welling up, this gratefulness. for the fact that this is temporary. for the fact that we have the means to go and get water somewhere (a car to haul it in and various containers to hold it). for the fact i have a husband who works tirelessly alongside me to keep this thing called life going.

now, before you go and thing, wow so deep, she's really in tune with things there in Nicaragua....read Romans 5:4-5. oh yea. it's HIS spirit that pours our HIS love in our hearts...that leads us to inspired love and hope and gratefulness. not sarah. Jesus.

and i LOVE that. it gives us no room to claim anything, no pats on the back, just a simple, let's walk in this that He has given us. and its possible whereever you are, regardless of your circumstances, and it CHANGES your character, your perspective.

i'm off to accompany the kiddos from the orphanage and their 'mama' and some other workers to the beach...let's hope and pray that keeping 17 children under control near the water's edge proves to be easy. yay national workers day that gives us Monday off!!

it had been a long time since i had felt that squeezing that comes with loneliness, panic and lost footing. and when i found myself in the middle of it once more, it was rather stunning. and scary.

i don't think there's anyone in this world who is immune to this...no matter your level of faith or church attendance or whatever. and for those who feel the need to fling verses at me to tell me the contrary...just hold it for a moment. i think about Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and i just KNOW that He knows what I am talking about. This life, this world is just full of things that will sweep you off your feet. and the emotions and thoughts that spring forth from those things can be paralyzing. and yet we can choose to say not mine, but Yours be done. and that makes all the difference.

so i'm thinking all of this in the wake of this overwhelming sense of 'what the... are we doing..." there are certain realities that we have to face, certain plans we want to make but that just aren't possible right now and things like where we will be in 5 years and when we are going to have a kid that demand answers...which i just can't find right now. all that, in the midst of just some dry community time, brought on that suffocation that knocked me down and threatened me with despair.

but life goes on. i didn't fade away into blackness or lose my mind. i just got up, wiped my eyes and kept going. if nothing else, it reminded me of my need of His Spirit to keep me going, to help me endure...to count it all joy. and in the end, to remember, this is a race we are running...and many of things that wanted to steal my peace are things that are far off in the horizon...nothing is in the here and now.

so we keep going. we keep hoping. we choose to be surprised, to be grateful. we choose to love, to serve. and we choose to wait.

so here's to making good choices, even if they seem to be the same ones over and over again, even if it seems we are in the same place we were yesterday. to say once again...not mine, but Yours be done Jesus.

it's finally here....after three weeks of waiting, the annual women's retreat is here...my first time to go, but i am beyond thrilled to spend three days in Montelimar beach!!!!

with all the things that i've been seeing, i'm just so glad to be able to take a time-out...to get away, be with my Papa and rest. thank you Jesus.

"Come to me, those who are weary and heavy-ladened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matt 11:28-30

at the beginning of this season, i thought the world was really just going bad. that in some exaggerated way, the human race was just sliding down, down, down. but i realize that is not the case, rather i am just seeing a bit deeper into our reality, the reality we've all lived in since that pesky snake convinced our oldest grandmother.

when jeremiah claims the heart is the most deceitful thing, he's absolutely right. we are capable of such malice and evil and manipulation, all in the name of our own glory and control. i have seen things recently from people whom I trusted and respected that horrify me...and then i realize, that could be me. in the middle of my criticism and anger, i realize that its not that particular person, its all of us! any one of us is susceptible to the slippery slope of personal gain, glory, pride, control, power. because in the end, that's the core of the issue...do i do what i want? or will i submit to what He wants?

every day we make choices that go one of those two ways. many people live quite comfortably choosing their way. i've certainly enjoyed my way. but in the end, my way will always end up crashing into someone else's way...and then we have a problem. and most of the time one or both are injured, hurt and betrayed.

but there is the beauty. we can choose His way. we can choose to obey Him...we were even made to walk in His way, being made in His image and likeness. but we were left with a choice...and many of us are poor decision makers.

i've been tempted to despair, to leave, to throw a fit in front of all these nasty things. but i am reminded that my fight is not against my fellow flesh and blood, but powers and principalities...that in the end, have already lost.

so we keep going, we keep hoping, we keep choosing and asking for guideance. and more importantly, we keep loving and we keep forgiving.

i want to tell you about E. he is a student that has come through a lot of family difficulties. he is so very angry, a boiling pot just waiting to overflow...at any moment, the actions or words of those around him echo the hateful things he hears at home and he reacts. we've been talking a lot about self-control, how we are reminded that He has given us a spirit of power, love and self-control...that He has given E this ability, but that he has to choose.

a couple days ago, i'm heating up my lunch when he comes flying into the doorway, sobbing. 'please let me call my mom, i'm leaving,' he screeched. 'i came to find you, i didn't hit, i didn't yell, i came to find you like you said, please let me call my mom.' of course, i wasn't about to let him call his mother, but i got him a chair and got him to take a moment. he promised to take a moment to calm himself down, and i gulped down my lunch hurriedly.

when i come back, he's calm and no longer crying. he tells me what has happened, and the amazing thing was we were able to go and talk to his classmate and he forgave him. he talked about how he knew he was mad, that he needed to calm down...that he was going to leave the school grounds, but changed his mind and came to find me.

i was just floored. His grace, coupled with our obedience, changes us...when we say yes to Him, when we choose to try to go His way, He just takes us all the way. E. is a work in progress...he will continue to have moments like this, and will continue to learn how to control himself. but there it is, reclaiming who he was made to be and not the person he is being persuaded to become. the courage of that 4th grader helps me remember that its possible.

i've kind of let this thing die...not because i really want to, but because i'm just not sure what to do with it anymore. it's not that i don't have things to share, nor because i absolutely don't have the time to do it...i guess i just don't have a clear purpose for it anymore. doesn't mean it will always be this way, but we're kind of on a break for now.

what can i tell you? i'm now the vice principal of elementary school at NCA Nejapa. it's really a perfect fit, in so many ways. i feel humbled and grateful for this opportunity, something that doesn't necessarily come around that often. what does this mean? well, i'm here in nica at least until 2013, but probably beyond that. i know i'll return stateside for a time at some moment, but i don't have that date in mind yet.

i'm learning to focus on what matters and let the other stuff slip away....why let the negativity of others sink me? we've experienced some difficult things lately, relationships have been damaged and trust has been lost...but in the end, i know that He is in control, and He alone is good, able to restore. so i trust in that.

i feel like this time in many ways is a molding of my character...shaping and teaching and cleaning and restoring...its a slow but forward process, and i'm thankful that the work He has begun He will also finish.

lots of promises on the horizon....reminds me just how much mercy and grace He gives.

looking into a visit stateside in june/july...but those ticket prices just keep rising. we'll see. remember, any of you all is welcome here always ;)

i found this in an old sketchbook as i was cleaning yesterday.

dated january 7th, 2007.

"I am always at home in Jesus. always. if i feel outside or alone or NOT at home, it's because somewhere along the line i chose to walk out the door. turn on the oven, open the curtains, i'm coming home. i'm here to stay and i wanna bring whoever i can home with me."

it's good to be reminded.

about my last post: the thing that is hitting about these women's lives is NOT the work they are doing, although that's what i thought at first, but their HEARTS. "there are no great things, only small things with great love." -mother theresa.

i want to memorize psalm 103 in spanish...there's a resonance with what its saying and this time i'm in.

an old poem:

a love that silences

turmoil

despair

insanity

a sweetness few perceive

bitter on the tongue of selfish men

yet richest of far to the gutter's friend

which am i? do we choose?

may i don the beggar's cloth

if it be the way

to the divine love feast.

what are some things that are resonating in you today?

this sister, or more correctly, the Jesus reflected in her life, is rocking my world. completely.

so is this draw to be taking care of those sweet ones in the MQV orphanage. and Amy Carmichael's story.

the same story that was washing over me 7 years ago is coming back, stronger and plainer and bigger.

and i feel like i'm just observing, just waiting. what am i supposed to do with all this?

i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

He who loves his father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. - Matthew 10:37-38

And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sister or father or mother or children or farms for My Name's sake, will receive many times as much, and will inhereit eternal life. - Matt 19:29

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. - Romans 12:2

The preciseness and sheer exactness of His will and His plan continues to blow me away. Lots of shifting and changing happening, staggering in the starkness of positive and negatives. And I wait in the middle of it all, grasping for the way, the path, His will. there is so much of me that wants to figure it out for myself, make a plan, write it down, put it into my manageable box. and yet in the same moment afraid to make a wrong step. And then as I'm thrashing around, He just smiles and reminds me of what He had already shown me. As if there was any question or doubt. And there comes the peace.

More concrete details on this will be coming soon...thank you to those who have been praying.

do you remember when I talked about being transplanted into a foreign land, and the promises He gives with that?

i am seeing the fruit of that Labor, this work He began and promises to finish. it's overwhelming when you marvel at His greatnes, utter magnitude, true goodness. and never ending faithfulness.

i write this as i ponder the faces of my fellow teachers, all of us just two days away from vacation. for me, it is simple unbelieveable that i have a place here, that these people are my friends, my support, my brothers and sisters. and together we work to change the future of a country. simple amazing.

for me, reflecting on this past year is going to take all of December. and I feel ready and eager to do so. the second year of teaching is SO different than the first and the third year of living in a this country promises to change me forever. there are certain qualities, perceptions and attitudes that are being forged, that are good and life-giving, that could never have been formed in my former path. just a snapshot:

infinitely more patient and loving, in a deep and base level way. i can't explain how it happens but there is something in the very core of me that is just different.

a whole new understanding of respect and rights.

a simpler, streamlined self

a person focused, not task focused mind...this is huge for me.

able to make hard decisions and trust that obedience is way better than 'sacrifice'

a fuller gratitude, for everything.

appreciation for simple things: time to rest, a beautiful song, lovely weather, particular harvests, hospitality, generosity, solidarity. this, at least, the government has correct - promoting and applauding solidarity. the nicaraguan people embody this trait.

photo credit

ok. before i get started i must clarify a few points.

- my political party/leanings are not important for what i'm going to say.

- i'm not trying to get you to vote for X or Y candidate.

just in case someone was already huffy about the title and not willing to read further. :)

so, a dear sister posted about voting. and i really appreciated what she said. and i wanted to add my two cents, because hey, that's what blogs are for right?

i just want to remind my fellow brothers and sisters in the USA to take advantage of a working democracy...so many people are living in non-democratic countries or worse, a dictatorship parroting a democracy. here, you can go vote, but there is little faith that your vote will actually end up where it counts, and even if it does, there is so much corruption that it is highly unlikely you will have a fair and democratic election in which the people's voice is heard. dead people get to vote, thousands of votes go "missing" and just plain old lying makes sure that the people in power stay in power. they've already done it once and are in the process of changing laws to make it possible for the current "president" to continue his term.

as i was talking with my students in a summit about the Holocaust and Anne Frank, it burdened me to see the lack of faith and hope they have in their own voices. we were talking about how similar pre-Holocaust Germany was to the Nica of today...and how can they, the youth of Nica, make sure something like that doesn't have any place to grow here...one said they could take action in politics, to vote, to be informed. but the majority say, why should i vote or have anything to do with it when i know that if i don't vote for them (FSLN), it won't count. if the people, the youth, don't stand up and use their voice because it isn't heard, then all you have is a shrinking population trenched in poverty that submits to a dictatorship because hey, what are ya gonna do? it's infuriating, to see a people lay down and let the powers that be do as they please because they think they have no say. that is not democracy.

but YOU, you get to be a part of a government that caters to your opinion, that allows groups and rallies and invites you to get involved, on one side or the other. and whether you are happy with the things are or not, its your RESPONSIBILITY to keep the democratic system working and vote. no, it's certainly not perfect. nor is it the answer to all our problems. and yes, it is frighteningly polarized.

but it's definitely a democracy, and we the people should make sure we appreciate that and participate.

*stepping off soapbox*

as a kansas girl, i've always loved storms. i have tons of fond memories involving them...like the time my dad ran into the garage wall in our minivan because he was rushing to get us home in a tornado. or the gorgeous purple and blue light show i watched with my grandparents at the sedgewick county park, a night storm slowly unfolding. and then there was the time our basement flooded and my beloved aunt robin, at that time a college student, helped us move around our play things and haul 3 inches of water out of the basement. and i can't forget the time we all had to huddle under the mesh play crib to protect ourselves from any incoming glass as the wind whipped around the house. (that was also the year i got brave enough to explore further in the storage room where we hid and found all the Christmas presents. i still remember the horror i felt "i am SO on the naughty list right now!!!")

there was this thrill of something exciting, something unpredictable, something out of the routine. and a little scary, but i never doubted my parents ability to take care of me(obviously this was before my realization that man, before nature, has little control).

but now, here in nicaragua, storms are a bit...different. i have seen water just rise and rise and rise until it becomes a whirlpool in what used to be our cafeteria. i've seen it grow our lake like something out of a horror movie, taking down houses as it goes. it's taken lives, destroyed homes, ruined electrical systems, and basically wreaked havoc. it hasn't been until Nicaragua that i've felt truly fearful.whereas the rainfall used to help me sleep, it now keeps me awake.

like a night this week. the lightening was overwhelming, ripping the sky open and immediately crashing it back together again. the following school day was punctuated by screams as the children jumped with every lightening bolt, the power fleeing and the water slowly rising. every teacher kept their eye on it, willing it to pass as quickly as it could. and all this was before Matthew.

The good news, in all of this, is that it's been pretty calm for us. (I live in the orange strip,close to the edge of the red strip...the tiny lake you see there is Lake Managua, the house-eating one.)

Just constant rain and cool temperatures (sweater and sock weather if you can believe it). Luckily we are pretty high up in El Crucero and on steady ground. but the residents on the northern and atlantic coast part of the country are in danger. and the poverty in those areas is unreal. plastic and stick houses, very high unemployment, survival depending on crops...that are now being flooded. it's hard to feel that long-ago pleasure for something i now find so destructive. i'm sure survivors of Katrina and other natural disasters know what i'm talking about.

it just makes me wonder. when faced with one small element in a huge universe of unknowns like storms, why do we think we have so much control? isn't more logical that we don't? that we need someone to take care of us? that we need a little guidance? just wondering.

it's a little disconcerting for me how hard it is to write these days. don't really know why, but it becomes increasingly difficult to form something coherent. let's see what we can find.

i miss free time. i have free time, obviously, but it is usually suffocated by the ever-present list of things to do. isn't there a mute button somewhere on that annoying soundtrack?

why is it that when you CAN sleep in and have a good time to rest, you don't sleep well? it's like there's this rebellion in my body that refuses to rest...i don't know if it's stubborness, a martyr complex or some bizarre health issue. what i do know is that it's frustrating.

things i've enjoyed lately: riding out to the farm on a limitless sunny day with my husband, chocolate supplies, a slowly growing ability to put space between me and my job, time alone with my husband, reading....a lot, glee, sunny saturdays so my laundry dries, the book of samuel, toasted buns with butter, working with my students towards their success, perfect fitting calvin kleins that cost me 7 dollars, being ok with me.

only 8 weeks of class left, then exams, then the end of my 2nd year at NCA Nejapa. time is speedy here. still learning so much.

after weeks of division, a coming together.

hours of running to be met by a moment of rest.

agitation turned into peace.

answers found. energies recuperated. trust restored.

above all - reconciliation.

today was a good day.

if my life were a EKG or lie detector test, there would be wicked leaps and drops, nothing really steady and certainly few things that remained in constant.

i'm wanting to add some rhythm, some constancy to my life, where i can. many of the things that make it so topsy-turvy are completely out of my hands, but i have a tiny bit of control over some things and am really needing to find a rhythm in all of it.

some efforts i've tried so far: daily bible reading, daily prayer with my husband, preparing my lunch to take everyday to school, writing to my husband weekly, afternoon rest moments, looking at the positive side of things. and now i want to add weekly blogging. (i have to admit i am really bad at getting this rhythm down, so forgive me ahead of time.)

so often i have a lot i'd like to write, but i don't for one of the following reasons: it's too harsh, it's too messy, it's too personal. but as i've been teaching my advanced kids about story, and how it is important to tell a story, one you believe in, one that makes you feel positive and reaches others, i've realized i need to tell these stories. not all of them will be world-shaking or even very interesting. but there is something in telling that allows us to recognize new sides of the thing we are experiencing.

so in the midst of all the things from this weekend: no city water, constant rain, blackouts, my nephew's dad in jail for an accident, debts they will have to pay, a continually flooding school, allergies, weariness, irresponsibility, and the sticky stain of corruption on this country, i want to tell you a story.

a good story. i hope.

it was friday afternoon, and all were anxiously awaiting the news that the new pump had finally been installed and we would have water again. i had just woken up from a fabulous nap under the watchful eye of the brewing storm, the applause among the plantain trees the perfect lullaby. my husband and i went to check the water situation only to find out it would be another 2 weeks before the water would be back. like many things here, the new pump did not work and they would have to wait to buy another.

so we got to thinking. and planning. and shoving. not each other that is, but old pvc piping. alongside my husband, nephews, brother-in-law,and church members on the soaked ground, we came up with a device to catch rainwater and direct it into our water tank. it made me smile to see us all there, muddy and wet but laughing as we wrestled with various pipes and glue to make this contraption that stretched 8 feet from the roof to the opening of the tank. there was this triumph evident in their eyes, excited that they found a way to beat our circumstances.

since it had rained pretty hard, i had a full barrel of water and i could finally wash some clothes. my nephew started hauling water from one tank to where i was washing clothes, one after the other. my husband bounced around from one project(a soccer ball stuck in the gutters causing a flood) to another (fixing the piping we didn't use). as i scrubbed out the week's dirt and let my thoughts swirl around in the lather, i felt grateful. in the midst of not very fun circumstances, i had seen how we had come together, how each one gave what they could to make it work, to live. there is so much need here. so much that we don't have. and without this kind of unity and support, we drown. we dry up and get beaten down. and it was refreshing to see it work, to find that it just came together. with the sun peeking out apologetically, i hung those clothes up with satisfaction. who cares if it's not fixed? we have what it takes to make it through...and i see this apply to hunger, poverty, corruption, fear, betrayal, lack, emptiness.

maybe we can't 'fix' nicaragua. but we can be the best versions of ourselves, together, without letting our surroundings weigh us down.*

(*this is often so very hard to do. case in point: brother-in-law in jail for an accident in which neither has insurance and the kids on the motorcycle were injured, lots of debt from that, waiting around in the dim police station trying to negotiate and all of a sudden, a thief has gotten into a bus in the police station parking lot and stolen the radio. and they send the youngest girl member of the force to run after him, slipping and sliding in the mud.obviously she didn't catch him.

it makes me want to scream...inexplicably difficult for me to be the best version of myself or for us to overcome with unity. pressed down. but not crushed.)

and i half-shouted over the giggling 5th graders to help them finish their project. They colored and cut and glued and glittered, as i glanced at the rising water collecting from the heavy rain.

the final bell rang and we shouted a prayer to keep us safe, as the kids shifted their backpacks and fiddled with their white shirts, untucking them a stretch at a time. as we left the classroom, they all chattered excitedly over the situation, but i was remembering the last time this occurred: the steadily growing tide that consumed the office and the high school,a wake of recess snack bags and sludge cluttering the normally shiny surfaces, and the resulting wave of illness from the wet clothes and disgusting liquid squishing in our shoes. i put them to study math as i waited impatiently to know how we were going to resolve this one.

at 3:12, the stragglers crossed the soggy soccer field with me and a couple of other teachers, only to find the cafeteria a swirling pool of sticks, trash and a foot and a half of water. We huddled in the remaining sprinkles of the rain and i went to check on the office situation. there i found my other teachers with the director, now past the nervous stage and on to the witty stage, a skill we have from living in a continually negative and unstable world. if only we had known what that slithering pool around our feet was doing just a kilometer away...

now, i don't know about you all, but i tend to shy away from things i KNOW i'm not good at...like volleyball. and overwhelming crowds of people. and resisting chocolate temptation. and grief. maybe there isn't anyone whose really good at grief, but i feel especially unequipped at it. being a very sensitive person whose emotions swell and spiral and suffocate, i become very delicate and...different. and i just don't like it.

so you can imagine how much i was dreading yesterday, as i had to face my co-workers and students after the drowning of a dear 10th grader. that water that changed our afternoon as it twisted by our school changed anita's life as she tried to get home.she was trying to pass an unpassable turn that was running with the current, while my fellow teachers and i were up to our ankles in that same filthy water, laughing from some quip about the photocopier that was teetering on the table. it's sobering to think about just how NOT in control we are, for all we'd like to pretend and imagine.

i felt like a zombie as i walked through the day, pasting on a smile in front of the primary school kids as they had normal classes, tucking that grief away in the roof of my mouth, speaking with care so as to not dislodge it. but when i found myself with those i could be open about my grief with, i swallowed it, stone-faced and cut off. and all i could keep thinking was, how is one supposed to deal with grief? sure there are a ton of books and strategies and 'tools' that can be accessed, but i think it's like marriage and childcare and 'life crises'...they are just things that happen to you in life, things that you enter and depending on who you are and, i would say, how you relate to God, will affect how you deal with it.

as i listened to isaac sing 'alaba' and watched the students maintain vigilance over anita throughout the service, i rested in that pain. i let it be there and allowed myself to acknowledge it, to experience it. to cry and to laugh and to let it drip through my fingers.

i think my reaction, and that of many, is to hurry it up, to get it over and done with and to not let it take up too much space or time. but then i think of the truth that His power is made perfect in our weakness. and though i don't understand it, that it's ok to let that be true, to believe it, to apply it to my life. and not just with grief, but disappointment, fear, pain, loss, anxiety, worry, waiting, trials, tests, growth, change...whatever.

let it take the space it needs. but remember that the One who is in control, is the One who overcomes and brings us out of it. and Who will use it for His glory, which in turn always means good for us.

may His peace and provision cover her family and friends and may His presence be a balm on the rawness of this grief.

tiny hands and dripping paint and muddy flipflops might seem like an atrocious mess but God, was it beautiful. these little members of my community, the ones that smile at you with their eyes and offer up love like there's no end to it, were there in their squiggly lines, enjoying the various crafts that our beloved Colorado team brought down. I got to be a part of the hand-printing mural and for me it was so so powerful...not because I'm super-psyched about painting hands, but because it was incredibly overwhelming to make these little ones a permanent part of our clinic. Placing those smudgy hands with their name neatly woven in ballpoint, right between those teensy fingers, was a joyous act, a commemoration, if you will. and not just because of the image that developed, but the profound look reflected in their eyes that says, this is mine. i am a part of this. I BELONG HERE.

I can't really convey through words the sweet swelling that balloons in my chest when I think about it...it's one of those emotions that fills, that soothes the raw edges and relaxes the tense places that come from doing this kind of work. it says, little by little, what we are doing, is helping form and shape these little ones, in a way that matters...just that pixel of change, that they would feel a part of and not just one who receives. it's these things, the small and often unnoticed attitude and value changes that tell me El Crucero will be different in a few generations. and who cares if I'm not here in those future generations, the best part is just knowing it will be different...and hopefully, a lot brighter.

sometimes you just get on this speeding path without ever really thinking about how you got there nor if you really want to be there. sometimes you find yourself up to your neck in things and think, what? why am i doing this?

there are so many opportunities to be disappointed and let down in this work. there are so many plans that fall apart, hard work that doesn't get noticed, time that gets stripped away.

weariness and sheer exhaustion and overworked are all common descriptors for those involved, the growing weight of the need that you see around you smothering, the hunger clawing to be noticed.

but none of these are the worst crisis for someone in some type of service. the real gut-wrencher is when you find yourself with absolutely no more desire to continue. when you find that you could turn it all over to someone else without a second thought of what would happen to those little tummies, those growing minds, those desperate eyes and grasping hands.

it's not even the weariness or heaviness or difficulty of it all that bothers me....its this new, flippant and oh-so willing part that wants to wash her hands of it all.

i sat yesterday, stewing in this and watching the sunlight glisten off the leaves...and just sat. i haven't just sat in a real long time.

and the bottom line is this: there is a need for balance. and rest. and sharing responsibilities. but more than that there is the reality that this work, this thing that i do...it's woven into my soul....its not even the place or the people or the circumstances but the profound knowledge that this is what i was made for. so even though this alarming new sensation is ever present in this moment, i know that it's just a false self, a shadow of who i thought i could be, but nothing like who i really am.

and with that, i could breathe. there is something about being anchored that allows you to hold on in the midst of whatever gust that comes your way. i'm thankful for that.

things that have been leaving their mark lately...in various forms.

one of the 4 year old twins(whose mom just died from a plastic surgery gone wrong...who on earth gets plastic surgery in Nicaragua

??)just bawling because he couldn't get his cut-outs to stay glued down...me kneeling, helping him and seeing that it really has nothing to do with cutouts or glue, but overwhelming loss.

being a mom to a 14-year old. Moises' nephew is living with us. and in the midst of all this is the growing ability to see how He provides. how nothing is impossible. and how there is always enough.

fruits of partnerships and the fullness they bring. there is nothing quite as sweet as seeing your dreams and visions sprout up and reach people, to see them change their lives, to see them overcome and smile at this new place they are coming into.

quietly and carefully tending to my marriage with my husband in the little garden of our lives. seeing him pour into it as much as i do. being united in one purpose.

that place of rest that always finds you when you ask, no matter the to-do list, the projects, the laundry, the whatever.

my soul clings to you; Your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63:8

have you ever stopped to think about how valuable a sprinkler is? it provides a great way to beat the dry times without waterlogging plants or grass and can be a fun activity for kids to enjoy in the summertime. here, sprinklers, let alone the water with which you would occupy a sprinkler, are scarce. and not really practical.

but today, Moises made a beautiful 3 way sprinkler that gently mists withing a ten - foot radius...with electric tape, a beat-up hose, and an oil bottle. and i got all excited, talking about how useful this could be for farmers dealing with the drought...and he reminded me that they usually don't have water, and when they do, they don't have the pressure necessary to make it work.

sigh. well, it's still beautiful.

do you remember David, from the Christmas confrontation in 2008? he was murdered last Wednesday, four houses down from where we were staying. i cannot put into words the many emotions we have gone through this week…anger at his choices that would make him vulnerable (drugs, mafia, stealing, all sorts of crime), sadness and compassion for his two children and wife left behind, heaviness for the reality of this small town, lost in a growing number of sins and depravity, restless for the lack of hope or alternative, gratefulness that the Lord pulled my husband out of there 3 years ago (David used to be best buddies with Moises), and just weariness. a touch of what I imagine the Word talks about when it says the earth groans in waiting. It’s gotten me thinking and churning and there have been some things I'm reading that relate. Donald Miller talks about it like this… “I said his daughter was living a terrible story…I don’t know exactly, but she’s just not living a very good story. She’s caught up in a bad one…A couple months later I ran into Jason and asked about his daughter. ‘She’s better,’ he said to me, smiling. And when I asked why, he told me his family was living a better story.” (excerpted p 50, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years). La Batea, and many, many, MANY people are just living a bad story. And us Christians don’t offer a much better story. WAIT. how is it possible that we, who have heard the BEST story ever, not be able to offer a better story? this creates a tension and pain that pricks in the stomach and swells to my head. it makes me take a long hard look at what i’m doing, if i’m just like them, but in a glossier-looking package. do all my activities and works and motives invite people into the Story or are they just pretty little vignettes for my own pleasure? if we’re honest, i think we will find that most of us are concerned about making a good story for ourselves, or as Donald Miller said, “My entire life had been designed to make myself more comfortable, to insulate myself from the interruption of my daydreams.” (p 77). we assume that the story is about us, just a tree in the forest, but we are reminded its actually a story about a forest (donald miller). Amy Carmichael addresses this issue, specifically about comfort, in her book A Gold Cord. “The Lord calls men with the spirit of Epaphroditus. That spirit will be required, for the life of uttermost service cannot be called comfortable. ‘Comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house as guest, and then becomes host, and then master. Ay, and it becomes a tamer, and with hook and scourge makes puppets of your larger desires. Though its hands are silken, its heart is of iron. Verily, the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks grinning to the funeral’ (kahil gibran). It is true; but it is one thing to applaud it as truth and quite another to turn from that lust that murders the passion of the soul, for the sake of these for whom Christ died. But no one who has done so would exchange this way of living for any other.” (Amy Carmichael, p 367  A Gold Cord). This passage cut me through, and I think it relates to what I was writing earlier, that if we focus our story on comfort, or security, or fun, or fame, or power, or whatever else it may be other than Jesus and His story and how our stories are all about the bigger story, we will fall into the same story that La Batea lives….an empty, bored church with souls chained up just outside the doors. we will be ineffective, useless and restless. maybe it won’t be so obvious, but we’ll know, because we will begin to see the mildew cracking through the whitewashing. To take it a step further, Oswald Chambers speaks not of just a story that points to the larger Story, but of a giving that pours ourselves out. “ The real test of the saint is not preaching the gospel, but washing the disciples’ feet, that is, doing the things that do not count in the actual estimate of men but count everything in the estimate of God. Paul delighted to spend himself out for God’s interests in other people, and he did not care what it cost. We come in with our economical notions –‘Suppose God wants me to go there – what about the salary? What about the climate? How shall I be looked after? A man must consider these things.’ All that is an indication that we are serving God with a reserve. Paul focuses on Jesus Christ’s idea of a New Testament saint in his life, viz. not one who proclaims the gospel merely, but one who becomes the broken bread and poured-out wine in the hands of Jesus Christ for other lives.” (My Utmost for His Highest, February 25.) Those of you who know the Word will have those verses echoing back to you, the place that all these ideas spring from. Jesus was very clear about the life, the Story that we are called to. There is a need, a DESPERATE NEED, for the children of God to remember what story it is that they are a part of and to fight hard to make their daily story resonate with the larger Story…because we are His ambassadors, His messengers, the ones who take the story to others and invite them in, reminding them that they too are characters in His story. and if my story doesn’t resonate with the Story, people get confused and misled. and they think the Story is about personal fame or power or success or comfort or easy living…and they get bored. and they get caught up and enslaved by the more deceiving and darker stories…where they can’t get out. So I ask you…what kind of story are you writing? who is the main character of your story? what are the things that move your story along? and if you find that your story isn’t what you hoped for, I leave you with two other story ideas from Miller. “The oldest book of the Bible is supposedly the book of Job. It is a book about suffering, and it reads as though God is saying to the world, Before we get started, there’s this one thing I have to tell you. Things are going to get bad…God doesn’t explain pain philosophically or even lists its benefits. God says to Job, Job, I know what I am doing, and this whole thing isn’t about you.” p 197 “I don’t ever want to go back to believing life is meaningless. I know there are some biochemical causes for some forms of depression, but I wish people who struggle against dark thoughts would risk their hopes on living a good story – by that I mean finding a team of people doing hard work for a noble cause, and joining them. I think they’d be surprised at how soon their sad thoughts would dissipate, if for no other reason that they didn’t have time to think them anymore. There would too much work to do, too many scenes to write. “ (p 247) PS. Thanks, Donald Miller, for being honest enough to put all that into writing. For encouraging us to “edit” our lives and start making a meaningful story. You provided a more elegant version of something I’ve been thinking about for awhile.

so today, as I ate my lunch with some of those chatty 5th grade girls, one began to comment on how she was going to begin baptism classes, kind of cranky about it...and I began to talk to her about baptism and why we do it and i said "baptism is us choosing to die to this life with Christ and being raised again through Him to a new life that we live for Him" and she exclaimed, how beautiful! you should teach us bible!

there is a comfort for me in that, that in both languages, this is beautiful. i guess Truth is just that way.

just a few snapshots from my first week of my second year at NCA Nejapa.

- seeing students come under my loving but firm teacher gaze

- feeling His authority and love behind my words and actions

- David, drawing a picture of Right to Education, using materials his classmates lent to him (David is the first student with a handicap at our school...he has cerebral palsy and is wheelchair bound...but he is intelligent and quick in his mind and has the most beautiful smile...the fact that he is in our school at all says a lot..many children with different capacities have little opportunity for education and the idea of paras, IEPs, and any number of other acronyms we take for granted in the US are nonexistent within the Nica Ministry of Education).

- quiet morning moments before the crazy bus ride down the mountain

- eating breakfast with my husband on my first day...he accompanied me to calm my nerves :)

- thankful, to be in this place.

and though it has nothing to do with NCA, for a dear sister´s farewell to her papa. our language can´t cover what the heart feels in moments like this...how i wish i could be at your side Lauren.

peace to you my friends

the cycle of giving and receiving is something i have always been interested in, how it works, how one end affects the other, how expectations and circumstances can warp it...etc. i am a person that enjoys giving, from small to big, in all variety of forms. be it actual gifts, or sharing of resources, or giving of time or money or compassion...there is something in me that God has called out to give...because i believe that the things i have, that anyone has, are simply God's things, and He just chose to give you whatever portion you have so you can manage it. The fun part is seeing how when you use what He's given to bless and support and encourage you find all sorts of delights pouring back in.

living in Nicaragua has changed this a bit. not the desire, but the form in which i express it. and it has taught me how to receive, and graciously. (this i believe to be very important...its extremely uncomfortable to give to someone unwilling to receive). at first, it was embarrassing...humbling, actually, in the midst of a humbling time. and it made me take a look into my reservations about receiving.

in the end, it's this: we all need to receive. and we all need to give. and my husband and i have learned to trust the Lord's provision, always knowing He will meet our needs and obeying when we feel we are to be a part of meeting another's needs.

but this receiving became a deeper thing for me on our trip to the states. the hospitality, generosity and giving in general was a salve to places i didn't know were raw. we were received into a home where the family is struggling through a time of illness, and yet we felt like celebrated guests, made comfortable by each member of the family, all when they could have shut their doors and said, right now we just don't have anything to give.we entered into my home and received there like we had never left, like my husband had always been a son, complete with good talks and great food and precious prayer. we had numerous people invite us to eat a meal, covering the expenses because it was more important to them that we enjoy our time together in sharing life than worry about a few extra dollars. we were received in many a home with hugs and delighted smiles and accepting hearts. we were welcomed into a diverse church and a home, all because we are family in Him. we were carted around Chicago by various people and welcomed into an acquaintance's home, only to leave as friends and truly bound as brothers and sisters. we were given space and invitation into a community, allowing us to see how they strive to live out the gospel together, in all its drafty, messy, interesting and diverse glory. we were given monetary gifts like you wouldn't believe...not because of their quantiy but how they were always quietly given at just the right moment.

what i see in all this is the immense love of my Papa for two of His kids...and how He works through His body to do it. do you ever stop and wonder how your giving (in any shape or form) allows Him to meet His beloved's needs? or how if you don't, that it might hinder? certainly God always finds a way, remember the lilies and sparrows, but wouldn't you like to be a part of that holy giving? i know i do.

i want to thank you, brothers and sisters, who made us feel so welcome, loved, cherished and cared for in our time stateside. your support and prayers and time mean so much to us, and on a very personal note, i so appreciate how you all made my husband feel. i can't thank you enough.

He is always good.

there is just nothing as cool as seeing my husband marvel at snow for the first time…nor is there anything as aggravating as when he sneaks inside and locks me out to be funny. grr.

i have many thoughts and opinions that have sprouted up from being in the unique position of living in a foreign country and acculturating(think salad bowl ESL metaphor) into that foreign country but being witness to my native country`s deeds within said foreign country.and i have something to say.

i think its important to ask why and how a person comes into an impoverished country. many people have already formed this answer and often have the general how answered as well. and it usually sounds really good, polished and able to bring in donations. most of the time it is well thought out and usually focused on the people..but i have a few more questions i`d like to ask, specifically for the missionaries in, or coming to, Nicaragua.

am i positive that my mission or project i am coming to complete is not already being done by local people that i might support instead?

how can i hope to meet needs of people i cant communicate with nor understand where they come from?

why, knowing that the country i work in has high unemployment, would i not include several salaries for native people in my budget?

why do i choose to enforce my cultural norms and ideals upon the people i work with rather than try to learn and understand and work within theirs?

do i really think i have all the ability to make a difference, and that i don`t need and cherish the input and support of my native counterparts?

am i doing this project honestly and for the people`s benefit, or because it makes me look good with my various groups at home?

are my motives pure in the application of my project? is it something the people really need and want and will support?

can this project survive without me? and if the answer is no, how will i change that?

is the underlying attitude and nuances of every action Love?

i`m realizing as i write this out, im a bit bitter. i am frustrated by the uncomfortable situation we find ourselves in when good people want to do a good thing...but haven`t thought it out completely. im tired of getting angry over culture clashes and attitudes about money and work ethic and education, and im sad at seeing all the loose ends and not knowing how to fix them. im burdened by the lack of vibrant Christian local men and women ready to serve and bearing the burden with the few that do and are always called on to do all of the service/projects/quehaceres. im curious about my own culture, and how we let it so easily shape our Christianity into something that isn`t necessarily Truth.

i certainly do not have all the answers, and recognize that many of those aforementioned questions are uncomfortable and slightly accusing (hence the first person form, its always better to ask yourself the tough questions first before you go slinging them at someone else). Being of my own culture, I understand it and can imagine every angle of defense one might have in response...and I just say, we have to be Christians (little Christs), not American or Nicaraguan or Republican or Socialist or Rich or Poor or Good or Bad....He is the only thing that defines us, being that in His image and for His good purpose we were made, and I can`t make excuses for not living as He calls...not for my culture, nor my economic status, nor my project goals and objectives.

disclaimer: this is a GENERAL rant, and not directed at a specific group or person...just a stream of thought gathered from being part of and observing many different ministries here in Nicaragua...most of which are making a positive impact.

i come stateside/home? in 10 days. i have not really begun to think about it for lack of time, but its kind of freaking me out. its hard to convey why, but it is.

i was hoping to draw out some threads of thoughts through blogging, because it often prompts a lucid moment or two, but the skipping between the two languages this evening through work has left me blank, so i`ll leave it at this.

i`m thankful that no matter how tightly wound and knotted life seems to get or my emotions or the powers that be, He is always there, ever patient and available to help me out.

its like the kid in maniac magee that undoes that huge crusty knot and wins a pizza or something. and the best thing is that Jesus shares, even when I didn`t earn it.

i realized yesterday what it is exactly that draws me to teaching, that gives it such weight and importance. no, it didnt come from seeing chubby fingers grip a broken crayon to scrawl their name, nor a flashy smile from the ornery 4th grader, nor the pleasure of listening to a child forging reading skills not only in spanish but in english (though those are some highlights)...it came from a late night conversation with some of the clinic team members, who include my husband, my brother-in-law and pastor and a friend. it happened rather impromptu, just a quick chat after feeding their four kiddos homemade pizza and jello...as we discussed some happenings from the week, there rose again our vision, the vision to form and heal integrally, to raise up and teach. and there it is. teaching is not just a set of questions or themes to learn, nor a curriculum you have to finish. it is the opportunity and responsibility to help form people. its the reality that the way i react to a child`s misbehavior has a direct impact on their values, formation and understanding of how the world works. that everytime i explain to G. in kinder that he may not hit his classmates because it hurts them, and that is not what Jesus wants from us, nor what we were made to do, im planting seeds of peace and kindness where neglect and busyness have allowed the weeds of sadness and loneliness to cover his heart. that when i smile and talk with a student about their accomplishments, how God has given them talents and has a plan for those talents, there`s the opportunity to support a beautiful work beginning. that when poverty, the heavyhanded teacher, leaves a child ungrateful and sour, I can look for grace and patience to redirect this student, to teach her gratitude and the goodness of the Lord.and this applies to adults, teens and children, all of my fellow brothers and sisters. to teach obedience and love and respect...because if they aren`t able to respect and obey and love me, whom they see, how will they learn to obey and respect and love Him, whom they don`t?

it`s a terrifying and thrillingly satisfying realization all at the same time.

8 days, 5 exams, 1 conference, 3 graduations, 8 send-off letters, and many many moments until the end of my first full year of teaching, in Nicaragua Christian Academy. What a ride.

for some fun...because i felt a bit disoriented today...I started looking back through some old posts. and its just odd. its me, of course, but a different me, and it makes me wonder if i lost her or she didn´t learn Spanish or she`s just curled up in the back of the Nica survival kit, but it just feels weird reading that stuff, remembering the ways I saw and thought and processed. And the type of stress I lived under...its just very different now.

life here, well...my life submerged in the academy, clinic, marriage...is just barer.

bit nervous about that.

im looking forward to coming home in December and sharing that life there with Moi..and getting some seriously quality books and conversations.

i know this is not a bad thing...just realizing this work He started in me is not as...plush...as I had once imagined.

i can`t explain how much i love mornings without demands...at least the illusion that there are no demands. we came back from La Batea last night, visiting the family as we will be stateside come Christmas, and I got to sleep in as the hot sun pierced through the palm leaves onto my pillow. I like this time because I can pretend that I have free time and that I have the space to think and dream and evaluate and consider and be thankful. Some thoughts from this morning.

-there is nothing sweeter than His presence. nothing.

-family is a precious thing that makes your eyes water and heart clench when you have to leave them, yet i am thankful for those emotions and the fact that i have those people that make me feel this way, now in two countries.

-a lack of vision is a sad thing to behold...so many tiny towns here in nicaragua are awash with alcoholism, drugs, laziness and lack of hope, due to many factors, but mostly lack of Christ and His Spirit.

-i miss good conversations in english. in spanish, they are good, but i miss the fluidity that i have in english.

-i love reading, and desperately need new books...the ones i have i am beginning to think of as friends, and i am not certain that is a good thing :)

-sugar coated cereal is the best way to wake up...even if its unhealthy (sorry Steph) (this is not entirely true, as i really enjoy scrambled eggs with bell pepper and onions and cheese and toast and lots of fruit with coffee, but the reality is there`s usually no time for that, so cereal becomes the best.)

my blogging muscles are rather withered and not audience ready, but it`s just been too long to keep waiting. so here i am. i feel more and more embarrassed to start writing each time it has been this long. i dont really know why.

there is obviously a lot that has happened. many minutes have ticked by, many minor things have been undone and redone and overdone, etc, many meals and conversations and projects and ups and downs to be had. including a wedding, beloved visitors, a finish of one semester, a move, a new winter settling in.

but i just can`t do all those tiny moments justice by clumping them into a quick pasted together story. nor do i want to. so i`ll just share the following story that has stuck with me as i travel in the cramped bus down the misty hill and in my quiet moments in the mornings.

the sun poked out every once in a while as i sat at my pollo asado post, waiting for 2 o clock to come, when I could abandon my duty of putting together plates and chasing away starving dogs. i had a date for the evening with my husband and i was tired of just sitting, sitting, sitting at our church`s bazaar. the kids that kept begging a coin were beginning to get restless and all the good used clothes had been sold off. Moises toiled over the last two measly chicken breasts, hawking them off on all the passerbyers, 2 for 30 cords! he proclaimed, winking over at them, inviting them to come and enjoy the obviously great deal. I meandered through my mind, the memories and sensations of the day lolling upon me. It was then that my attention was diverted. A local drunk and possibly crazy man had wandered over to our bazaar. He is a man that everyone knows and yet doesn`t know. He is well-known for being passed out on sidewalks or begging money or just talking to himself, but as far as his family, his favorite color, or the endless wonderings of why, are unknown...at least to me. He was hunched over, slowly making his way to the barb wire fence we were using as a display rack for hats. He gently fingered the cloth of one, turned the bill of another, finally decisively pulling off a blue one. I stayed still, curious as to his next step. He then reached into the depth of his worn pockets and pulled out several 1 cord coins, counting them carefully in the weathered palm. Then he circled carefully up around my station and into the back of the area, where Lester was receiving money. He placed those 10 shiny coins into Lester`s hand, only to be surprised with the five that were returned, winking up at him. He then stood beneath the playful sun, adjusting his new possession until it fit just so over his ears. away he shuffled, down the lane and back to the street.

as we went to managua for our date that night, i asked moises if he knew the name of this man...which of course he did and said, ¨i was going to let him take it if he took it. but look how quick he is. no one told him the price or where to pay or anything. he`s not as crazy as many think.¨ and he switched the radio channel.

what a fun time it has been. i have slipped back into my country and find it quite pleasing. it's a bit shocking how clean and comfortable and neat everything is...I'm worried about driving back through Managua...but I also realize I am smack dab in the middle of high end Coloradan suburbia, and not having to work, so it's rather fairy tale like. some things i have noticed:

-i feel awkward and shy in my first language...don't know if that's just me being introverted or what, but i don't feel that way rattling away in Spanish...but as a rule, I am quieter in Spanish.

-i feel overwhelmed by places like target...i never was a huge shopper, but i felt like i needed 5 hours to make it through that store...i just wanted to look and touch and smell.

-my need to be pleasing to those around me, to draw attention and approval was faintly roused in the middle of all these events, but it was good to realize it is no longer a driving force in my life. that feels real good.

-appreciation is something best learned in absence...the real reason for fasting, i think.

-it is wonderful for me to see these people who have so much wanting to be a part of what we do...not in a lets throw money at it and fix it but more lets be a part of, lets share, lets support.

-one of the ladies i met at the event said to me, don't worry honey, God will bring that material blessing soon, you just see...you're just in a missionary stage of your life...and i found myself not wishing for that at all. i mean, its really nice a lot of it, but i dont want to desire all that stuff again or have it managing my life. no way. and i won't go into what i thought about that missionary stage comment...just that i don't agree. but she was very sweet and well-intentioned all the same.

-it is so important to see these people doing what they do here...sometimes it just doesn't break through to what we do in nicaragua and the people there lose heart...it was amazing to have Pastor Luis see that there is a huge number of people here working to support what he does.

-getting to see my Papa for two days...really just such a blessing, being on the other side of healing.

-in the midst of it all, just missing my nica home and family. excited to go back and share it with them.

Those of you coming to the wedding will be thrilled to know that the clinic team is coming down the same week as you all, so there will be tons of opportunities to see first hand what we have been up to and the people here stateside that have been working alongside us...i'm so excited!

GUESS WHAT: Im coming stateside!!! It is only for a weekend and Im going to Colorado to translate for my pastor...he is going to share at the fundraiser in Colorado for the clinic and feeding center and last minute, their translator fell through...so I get to go!! Im so stoked.

check out missionstripnicaragua.blogspot.com to see their side of what is going on here.

Sickness.

I´ve discovered all sorts of sicknesses here in Nicaragua – stomach sicknesses that scold you for drinking that cacao fresco, gripe cold sicknesses that hang on and on and on, homesicknesses that start as an outward missing of home but then become a subtle dislike of things that are not home, stress sicknesses that just make you tired and spiritual sicknesses that weigh on your soul and make you listless.

I´m encountering a new sickness…and no, it´s not AH1N1 or whatever that thing is called now. It´s called lost footing sickness or something of the sort. I haven´t really lost my footing, I just feel like it. Maybe it is the craziness of May at my school – exams, monthly plan session, a huge fundraiser, lots of tutoring and we still have the giant holiday of mother´s day to look forward to. Maybe it’s the less than 2 months I have to prepare a wedding. Maybe it’s another bout of homesickness, realizing how out of touch I am with the people I care most about. Or maybe it’s a soul sickness, a need to get out and get quiet for a while.

I honestly think it just might be the outcome of making so many large decisions and doing life outside of the environment I was used to. It is a very strange feeling to live my life here with the absence of my family, close friends and church body. I have friends and family and church here, but it just feels different. With Peace Corps, there was at least the little US bubble you had around you all the time as a volunteer, if not in person, in mind and phone calls. But I find myself with some identity issues…I am not Nicaraguan but I don´t feel fully gringa either. And yet sometimes this distinction is important. It is just a very strange feeling, this way of living. I am not sure I can fully explain it.

Maybe it is like a lily uprooted and planted among hydrangeas. I mean, they are both plants and can relate, but a lily is not a hydrangea. Nor is a hydrangea a lily. But they can still both thrive and live in the same garden right? Even if there is not a single other lily or certainty about leaving the hydrangea garden for the lily garden?

Has anyone ever experienced this feeling before, this foreign yet not foreign transformation? Missionaries out there that know what I am talking about? I want to be clear though…just living in a foreign country does not necessarily invoke this feeling…but the integration into that community does. I´m meeting a lot of missionaries who don´t really integrate, so they don´t know what I am talking about. Maybe it is not necessarily a foreign country thing…could be a different religion or race or class thing too…who knows.

Final note: No one worry (mom or grandma ). I’m doing well actually, enjoying a lot of stuff these days. Just doing some internal processing in the public forum.

New things.

Some new things I am doing or discovering here

-I can make a pretty tasty pizza. And Moisés is actually an excellent cook. We have fun in the kitchen.

-I can´t stand prideful ministers. There is something so upsetting to me about someone who uses their position as a minister for their own glory, their own authority and power…and it infuriates me to watch them use it to control others. Absolutely infuriating.

-I really enjoy movies…if you have not seen La Misma Luna, or Under the Same Moon, find it and enjoy it…really really like that one. The new Earth movie too was really fun.

-I have a huge black rat living in my ceiling. Not a fun new discovery but a new one…sick. Working on that problem this week.

-I am getting on my feet at work and connecting with my students. It feels good.

-I am realizing how much I miss being a single classroom teacher…accompanied the first graders on the field trip…what a blessing.

-I need so much more patience.

-It is really neat to be the connection between a Colorado church and my church and see how God uses it to meet needs here in El Crucero – pray for the clinic and kid´s feeding centers we have going on here.

-Only six weeks until vacation and then two more weeks after that that I get married…don´t ask me if I´m ready. :)

-I am really enjoying reading through the Old Testament…find yourself a one-year chronological bible…it is fantastic and really helps paint a fuller picture of how things happened. The story of David and his reign is particularly encouraging.

-I´m getting fat here…WAY too much Coke, chocolate splurges and popcorn. It´s become an unhealthy and out of hand stress coping mechanism after work. I gotta start exercising again!

-I miss my mama and my closest friends…not just the people but the experiences we had.

-Learning to be grateful and receive what may come with hope and joy.

-Respect is something I have to fight for without letting it affect my confidence.

-The only thing worth seeking after is Him and His kingdom.

there is a phrase in Spanish that means consumption...consumismo. but here in nicaragua it means something else....not like consumismo, consumption but con su mismo or with your same...the idea being that they don`t really consume, they just use whatever they have because there isn`t anything else. i thought it could be neat grass-roots anti-consumerism name if anyone is interested...

had a spectacular day...just because i felt His patience, His kindness, His joy leading me through..and as i thanked Him on the bus ride home, i realized that on the surface it was not any different of a day...but the immense gratitude felt by one relying on Him and not themselves is a pretty wonderful feeling.

one of my students asked me, startled, today...Miss Ternes, what color are your eyes?? (They are hazel, greenish brown with gold flecks) and i told them that they are like sunflowers (girasol)...and then realized that was a term my fiancè used to describe them. and it made me smile.

i`m finding flexibility to be a really valuable quality...not only in body but in soul. sometimes you just gotta let things go and its ok that not everything on the list got scratched off.

He makes all things possible. and provides the means to achieve, to reach, to make it through. that is such a comforting thing.

yep. thats me.

well, internet access is really a relative term. as in not really available. at all. and then there was the computer crash incident of this morning as i attempted to download obamas speech for an english class plan tomorrow. sometimes i forget im in nicaragua and get upset, and then i get over it.

some simple joys lately

- always having enough. be it a teeny ounce of energy to finish a plan, 5 minutes more that help me be on time, one last piece of chocolate, that last 20 cord bill that meets my needs, and always the grace to make it through.

- appreciating the cool climate that greets me after a sweaty dusty day in managua

- being called prof sara by people i dont know

- limonada con soda. absolutely refreshing

- people that go out of their way to help me and appreciation when i do the same

- someone who is constantly thinking of me and supporting me wherever i am, no matter how tired or busy he is

- a new bed

- some fantastic books involving an asian background...distant land of my father, memoirs of a geisha

- the numerous beautiful eyes that smile up at me as i pass by them at my school

- the fine frenzy

- a well-timed word from the Word

- hope of something bigger than myself

- knowing my path is already known and secure, even though there may be moments when it doesnt feel like either of those things

- simple kindness

my days are running together with the simple thread of teaching, and im exhausted. but i dont feel despair or crushed...i know this is part of the path. its like an invigorating mountain climb that you get lost on, but always knowing you were meant to reach the peak, and that you will, eventually.

wow. its hard to imagine how many things can happen in just a short little month. here are some highlights...and trust me, this string of crappy blogs will end soon...i miss writing more than you realize.

christmas in la batea in a few words: ridiculous amounts of food, rain, crazy kids, beautiful landscapes, hard conversations, good laughs, culture clashing....insert story here: it was close to the end of the trip and i had gotten a wicked cold, exhausted and feverish, i awoke to blaring music. mind you, this is a tiny farming town...why on earth should there be horrificly loud techno in the street? i half realized it was a drunken and drugged up neighbor and i marched myself out into the street in my shorts and side slung ponytail, demanding in spanish who lived here in this awful house with this awful music...the guy just kind of stared at me, standing in the street until i started talking to him...asked him to turn it down, as, surprise, the whole town along with his wife and kid were asleep and didnt need to be awakened. and then he got very very upset. and began to yell at me about how we were not in the states, but in nicaragua, where we do what we want. i calmly explained to him that i had been here since may and that it was not that way in all of nicaragua and that where it was was where there were problems...i asked him again to turn down the music and went inside, finally realizing what the heck i was doing and getting a little nervous...then to my pleasure, i heard him hollering about how i needed to realize i wasnt in america but in nicaragua...and to help me learn, he played typical nicaraguan music for two more hours, while he shouted and hollered the same phrase over and over again, and shot off his pistol. I havent felt that embarrassed and yet entertained in a long time....end story, beautiful parks, a good book, and new levels of friendships. just as a start.

new job in a few words: my home, accepted, enjoyment, overwhelming, exhausting, good, where i need to be.

more writing coming soon...my internet access is blowing wide open with the new school.

i booked my flight...on American Airlines. Right. the ones they keep grounding. i fly out at 610am May 5th...registration starts in DC at 130p. this could get interesting.

AND the office returns. tomorrow. so of course, i will be donning loafers, headband and judgemental stare to become Angela for the fabulous office shindig at sara's. trivia, jello molds and soft pretzels.

i heart days off. and jim halpert.

some things i've been enjoying/inspired by as of late...

"The hour is striking so close above me,

so clear and sharp,

that all my senses ring with it.

I feel it now, there's a power in me

to grasp and give shape to my world.

I know that nothing has ever been real

without my beholding it.

All becoming has needed me.

My looking ripens things

and they come toward me, to meet and be met."

[Rainier Maria Rilke]

"You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me

And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart"

[Death Cab for Cutie]

"The great paradox and humor of God's audacious power; a stuttering prophet will be the voice of God, a barren old lady will become the mother of a nation, a shepherd boy will become their king, and a homeless baby will lead them home."

[Shane Claiborne, Jesus for President]

"Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

To be understood, as to understand;

To be loved, as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive,

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Amen"

[St. Francis of Assisi]

it's about 545PM and i'm heading with my buddy lauren to meet some friends, our bags filled with pb&j and little water bottles in the back. we join up with our six guy friends and begin driving, to areas most of us haven't been or don't want to go. we are physically pulling ourselves out of our comfort zones, each boundary line a little different, but by the time we hit 10th and Troost, we all feel it.

as we step into the darkened KC streets, there is not one of us that doesn't feel a little bit awkward or uncomfortable. as casually as we are dressed, we stand out with our brand name sneakers and my white and orange bag. ok, I stand out a lot. but ten white people on a neighborhood that most white people choose to avoid or at least drive through are going to stand out. i'm sure they are all asking the same question we are, "what are they doing here?"

Jesus said that to do to the least of these, you do to Him. you feed someone who is hungry, you are feeding Jesus. you give someone shelter, you are sheltering Jesus. this was the driving force behind our night, but more than that, i wanted to share in the humanity of our city. you can drive through KC in your locked car, tunes up and miss quite a lot of it. i wanted to sit and eat with them, to look into their eyes and extend acceptance. i wanted to hear their stories and learn from their life. but all of this requires that initial contact, that first entrance into the city. and it was similar to jumping in a cold pool headfirst.

we stopped at the bus stop. we walked all around various blocks. people crossed the street when they saw us coming. but as we walked, the pulse of the city began to rise up. the fear and insecurities i came in with fell away, fluttering on the pavement like strewn paper; as i ate my pb&j on a bench and smiled at passing people, and they smiled back; as i approached a man named John with a bloodied face and shook his hand; as i looked into Darryl teary eyes and Kevin's heavy ones. and in their place, i felt love and connection rise up. these people are my brothers. my fellow humanity. people that for one reason or another have been discarded by we who call ourselves civilized. i don't even care why they are there - all i care about is if they are hungry and willing to eat with me. if they need to talk and want to share. if they are thirsty and willing to drink with me. my goal was not to end their poverty or "fix it" or even to tell them about Jesus. my goal was simply to live with them, and not just once hopefully, but in a sustaining way that extends friendship. granted, i am leaving shortly, but i know that there will be part of my community growing with their community. and that gets me excited.

and in all of it, i became that much more excited to leave for Peace Corps. this is what i get to do for the next two years...to move into a place of living that is much poorer and different than my situation, but is currently home to my future family. i will live as they live and learn from them, trying to experience the world through their eyes. i can't imagine a richer experience.

things i am inevitably looking forward to:

-hammocks. lots of them

-hot weather. not just warm, but HOT.

-living in Spanish

-fruit trees

-lakes and volcanoes inviting me to explore

-hospitality

-meeting people with the same mission as me

-teaching again!

-wearing cotton dresses and sandals every day

-sleeping under mosquito net...i know that sounds odd, but it's true

-living simply

things i am NOT looking forward to and thus am trying to prepare myself for:

-bugs. all of them. in all varieties.

-machismo...i wonder how long i can patiently handle the hissing and cat calls

-gallo pinto: rice and beans, fried and then refried for the next meal

-code switching - that part of language transition that makes you feel stuck

-loneliness/homesickness - this is inevitable

i talked to the Nica desk today, and all things in my file are a go, no last minute hitches, thank goodness. staging kits get mailed the end of this week. by next week, i will have my flight info for flying to DC for staging. that is when it gets really real.

i'm finding myself thinking in a lot of "lasts". like, this is my last free weekend in KC. or that was my last time to be home before i come home to pack. or, this can NOT be my last margarita at Cactus Grill with my friends. i don't know if this is really helpful, but i find myself wanting to soak up as much as i can while i am here. and while i know many of my closest friends will still be here when i return, i don't know how that will look when i get back. and that's where i have to stop my over analytical mind because otherwise i'll get sick. so here's to soaking up the last goodies of the good ol US of A. if you are a KCer and have a "last time" thing we should do, let me know!