an addition to previous list of gifts to get someone you dislike for their birthday:

4. a gift certificate to their favorite store for 25 cents, but don't write on the card how much you put on it. or even i was thinking to give someone a 25 cent giftcard to a place that does colonoscopies.

if i don't write in here, i guess i won't write in anywhere.

andy milonakis lives across the street. well, almost. there is this boy who i would like to describe to you but he's very complicated. he bounces a basketball in his driveway most days, while repeating the same indecipherable phrase over and over and over with the same exact intonations. he has the voice of a 6 year old, and kind of looks like a blonde andy milonakis. for all i know he's 48 too. he is captivating. i want to invite him over for a cupcake and talk to him and see if he's mentally retarded or just doesn't have any friends. it seems those two things are easily confused. i know that when i have no friends, i go crazy. and thus maybe seem mentally retarded as i do ribbon dancer in my backyard wearing an antique nightgown.

a while back i started a list of gifts to give someone you don't like. i think about this list almost every day, and i keep thinking of really good additions but then i forget because i don't write it down. i'm going to fix this problem. here are a few, starting with the original:

1." the passion of the christ" on DVD

2. a box of cookies that you already opened and ate half the cookies

3. a custom-made puzzle that features a photograph of yourself giving two middle fingers. and then when your friend completes the puzzle, they'll get the surprise. OR if you can somehow get a picture of your friend's mother naked, and then put her on the puzzle. that could be harder.

i keep seeing those road signs that say something like "deaf child area" or a similar kind with another disability.

i think one good thing about being blind or deaf is getting your own road sign. if i were deaf and i had my own road sign i'd point to it a lot and then i'd point to myself. if i were blind i guess i would just say, "hey i can sense that we're near my road sign. that's mine, you know."

and then if you moved maybe you could take it with you.

today i've been thinking a lot about how i write about my interactions with and observations of strangers. then i had the thought, i wonder how many strangers have written about me in their journals or talked about me to their husbands or made up nicknames for me in their heads.

it's something i never before considered. i don't really imagine that these types of things are similar to the thoughts i have about strangers. but i bet that a lady has come home and talked about some bitch who cut her off on the highway. and that bitch maybe was me.

or maybe even i've inspired a stranger in a different way. like if i had a really good outfit on, and then someone might think to themself, huh, i should put together royal blue and brown.

i think a lot of the time i am so wrapped up in watching people and thinking about strangers that i forgot that they might think about me too.

things that i have fed the dog today (and she actually swallowed them instead of carrying them over to the carpet and stomping on them):

1. raw pumpkin

2. edamame

3. soba noodles

4. carrots

5. vegan almond butter cookies

what a fancy lady she is becoming.

lately i can't stop thinking about where things have been, the lives of lifeless things.

like at the grocery store. sure, the cereal has been in other states in factories, and maybe on planes and tractor-trailer trucks. but you could buy a box of cereal that was in someone's cart who died at the grocery store. you are eating someone's reshelved cereal that used to be theirs but they died before they could get it home.

before i only thought about stuff like this when buying clothes. or if i see clothes on a rack that have deodorant marks on them. i've thought about who tried it on and why they didn't want it. it's just kind of weird, we don't really think about how many sets of hands have touched things before we get them. it's like they only start existing when they exist in our own lives.

maybe this fits right in with this recent theme of connectedness. i want to know about the everyday life of whoever put the inspection sticker on this shirt i'm wearing. i want to know if they re-shelf whatever is in the cart of someone that dies at a grocery store.

two more thoughts:

1. i wonder how many hours in my life i've been shopping and bought nothing.

2. i wonder how many different people sat on the toilet seat in my house.

today i saw the first ever asian amish [amasian]. he had kids with a white amish lady and they have a bunch of amasian babies. i wonder how he happened, and i wonder if all the other amish talk gossip about him.

the newest experiment i'm testing is to only buy groceries that are on sale. that, and if something is a really good deal, then buy like 7 of them. don't you think things taste even better when you know they are on sale.

today at the amish natural food store, the only things that were really good deals were organic big bird ABCs cookies and rice dream. i opted for the rice dream. this plan makes so much sense. there are foods that i eat and foods that i don't eat. i think this will also make me expand my horizons and try new things. i'm excited about it. grocery shopping will then be less of a choice, i buy the things i normally buy, but only when they are on sale. for example, i don't really need grapes if the plums are half off. i usually go by these rules, but i want to be more strict about it. when i have kids it'll be like LOOK KIDS MAMA MADE ICE CREAM FOR DINNER!!!!

here is what happened to me the day before yesterday. i kind of forgot this happened, maybe it was kind of a big deal:

i was driving from richmond to lancaster. and see, my gas gauge in my car doesn't really work. sometimes it tells me when i have gas, and sometimes its says i have no gas even when i do. so the gauge was either at half tank or E, so i assumed it was fine. then my car stopped working a half hour from home.

i thought, yeah whatever i'll figure it out. i've never been in a situation like this by myself, but i wasn't too worried about it. within two minutes, a big red van pulled up in front of me, and this guy came out to help me. he looked almost exactly like a pedophile. lanky, glasses, nerdy in a creepy kind of way. he was wearing the kind of uniform that a guy that fixes air conditioners would wear, like gray pinstripe pants and a light blue collared short sleeve shirt made out of really thin material. i don't know what his job was though. naturally, i left my cell phone in my jeep, and got into his van with him.

immediately he started asking me personal questions, so i asked him some personal questions too. then we got to the gas station and they didn't have a loaner gas can. so he immediately suggested we walk together over to rite aid to see if they had one i could buy. he decided 14 dollars was too expensive, so we got back into the van to find another gas station. during our 10 minute ride together, our conversation went a little bit like this:

jess: so do you do good deeds like this all the time?

red van: sometimes, if i'm having a bad day or something, i'll do something like this and help someone out. it makes me feel better to give a hand.

jess: [i approved of his answer] that's great, i'll have to pass on the good deed, pay it forward

red van: and i just can't resist a pretty face

jess: [shit, get out of the van. meanwhile we are driving down a secluded street, so i start making plans on how to fight him in case he gets fresh. this situation is exactly how kidnappings happen. girl goes missing in small town, car abandoned on side of highway]

then we got to the other gas station. at each one of these places, he went up to the cashier and said "hey my friend ran out of gas, do you have a loaner gas can?" we're friends.

so then we drove another 10 miles or something. and this whole time, i was surprisingly relaxed. for a second here and there i'd freak out, but i just reminded myself to have faith in the good of people.

everything turned out fine. he took me back to my car, filled up my tank with a gallon, i shook his hand, and was off.

so now i've been trying to decide how i want to pass on the favor. none of my ideas thus far have been very good. i figure something will just fall into my hands and i'll know that it's my chance to pay it forward.

meanwhile, i've been dancing and singing a lot when driving in my car, hoping to make eye contact with another driver. seeing someone doing something completely shameless like that often makes me feel hopeful for life. or if not that, maybe they will at least feel good for a moment.

another idea i had today was to wave and give a thumbs up to anyone who has the same car as me. lately i've been feeling a special bond with everybody in one way or another.

this is posted on the wall in a coffee shop in richmond. a little boy wrote it, and it is my favorite thing.

FROM Troy

TO anyone who is sad:

HIORWUISDHO;FON;EJFIOHOIEFHOAJASKLC'JI'EIF;AOCOS

O;AWHBUIDHAIOJFIP'AJIP'FAEOJBUGHIAEP'JFIPAEJI'FAP'IAI

OHWAFOIHEOS;NGO'GJIPOF'NDOJPJ'FEHIOFIPWADOEPIJ'F

O'IWAHODJPANLJFNOJRHOUGPOGNKLDX'JGIOE'PFA'AFIP

KJFHOJGK;'ANLF'EAOIHOEGJO;BNRIUUOSFJIEOFJS;AHOIF

HIORFEHAIDNLKSAFJIBE;NLFPOHIABJOFK'FAIPJFBJAEO'PF

today i saw a fat dalmatian. i didn't know that was possible.

lately i've been thinking that it's time i get a puppy. margaret is getting older, although definitely not losing her spunk. she still has plenty of energy to scoot around the kitchen floor and try to itch her butt. she's been doing it all day today. i need to get a puppy before she dies so that the puppy can learn from her, learn how to rub her sphincter all over the floor, vomit underneath the bed so no one ever finds it, you know, the basics of how to be the best dog ever. i'm thinking about getting a dog in arizona. i bet they have special desert breeds.

or maybe i should get a poodle and see how fat i can make it.

also i figured out that your dog will eat anything if you put some worcestershire sauce on it. i've been trying to give maggie all of my leftovers so she eats healthier and so i don't waste. last night i gave her some tempeh which she didn't have a problem eating. but today she didn't want my leftover oatmeal so i put a little magic from the refrigerator on it and she wolfed it right on down.

i just got back from cashing in my giant jar of change. i've been compiling change for a while now, and i decided that today would be a good day for some chingching. i took it to one of those machines at the grocery store that counts it for you and then steals a bunch of it, which i convinced myself to be okay with. i ended up getting 150 dollars. and if you decide to redeem your money on a giftcard, like starbucks, they don't take any of your money. which is genius from a business point of view. i got 25 dollars on a starbucks card and now i'm sitting in starbucks drinking an iced soy latte, like for FREE. the straw in this drink is three times taller than the cup.

day oh wait i quit

maybe i'll keep up this blog, maybe i won't.

either way i decided to change the title, since i'm not in the peace corps anymore. i'd call it 'jess in americorps' but who knows, maybe i'll quit that the 5th day in too. today while i was washing maggie with the hose, i was listening to some carly simon. it's funny that no matter how many times you may hear a certain song, you may not actually hear it until a particular moment. i bet i've heard "you're so vain" at least 100 times, and today i realized how good this line is:

i had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee, clouds in my coffee.

i've probably sung along with that line a bunch of times, but didn't even hear it until today. so then i decided to title this blog that. and then i googled it to get the exact lyrics and there are like 10 blogs with that name. that bothered me. i'll probably change it again soon.

so i got a job. it's a volunteer position through americorps (like peace corps but in america). it's for this nonprofit organization that gives the mentally and physically disabled opportunities to take classes in the arts. there are a ton of different classes they can take- drama, ceramics, music, etc. and i'll just hang out with everyone and help them learn social skills and do their classes with them. i'm hoping to teach them some of my dance moves. it's a year long program in tucson arizona, a place i know absolutely nothing about. jeslie told me that they filmed all of the HEY DUDE episodes there, which means that there is no way it can be terrible. maybe i can move into one of those cabins. i hope ted still lives there.

this whole house smells like wet dog. but at least maggie is cleaner. i gave her a haircut too. and left all the clumps of hair sitting in the garage. mom loves when i come back home.

day three

so. the miami airport smells like chicken cutlets. i have three hours to kill before my flight. why did we get here so early. they searched my backpack and took away my squeeze tube of peanut butter. i told some other volunteer that it was good they took it away, because i had squeezable bombs in it. she told me that they would arrest me for saying that outloud, even though i was obviously kidding.

half of these kids are reading harry potter 14, or whatever one is out now. i've already decided that i'm going to end up being the bad kid, the kid who listens to none of the rules. it seems like a lot of these kids are very law-abiding, very goody-two-shoes. i see a lot of getting in trouble in my future.

for example: i already stole six dollars worth of coffee from the hotel restaurant. it was even better because i very openly did it in front of about 5 other volunteers who i didn't know. THEN i proceeded to give a give of stolen coffee to my hotel roommate mollie who THEN told another volunteer who didn't find it at all funny. i think everyone should probably steal a thing or two in your lifetime. we all get a little bit robbed here and there, whether you are over-charged or someone steals your purse. you need to balance this out. steal a little bit, god wants you to.

the correct response to "have a night flight" to the airport desk lady is, "you too."

then i was giving this guy my suitcases and i didn't know if i was supposed to wait there for something or not. he said, "are you afraid to go?" and i said "what?" then he said, "you are free to go." and then i thought of freud.

i just very creepily sniffed my aromatherapy stick. it's my new favorite thing. close eyes, place under nostril, sniff. think relaxing thoughts. white fluffy down comforters and chimes jingling in the wind. it helps me de-stress. i'm hungry. where's my squeeze tube peanut butter. i was hoping to try to make some friends, and then while we are sitting in our little airport clique circle, pull out the tube and squeeze some into my mouth. if they laugh, then they are keepers.

my stomach hurts and i can't stop peeing. i really have no idea about what st. lucia is going to be like. SAINT LEW-CHEE-YAH. LEWSHA. LEW-SHA.

about one hour until we arrive in st. lucia. i'm kind of looking forward to seeing what it looks like and how developed it is. i'm imagining it to be quite like samoa.

i'm wearing pants and a sweater. i figured that even thought it's not very cold on the plane, this will be one of the last times in a while to be comfy like this, all covered up. the asian woman next to me just offered me a cookie. there is probably poison in it.

day one

the day started off at the philadelphia airport. mom sang songs, kindergarten songs, as me and ryan just sat there watching people. or mostly people were just watching us, because i was laying on top of both mom and ryan as mom did the hand motions that went with her songs. we were too early for my flight. so i said bye and left.

the whole trip i was trying to pick out people who i thought could be peace corps volunteers. (i was right on). so i slept during the flight and then one of my bags wasn't there once i got to miami. this made me extra late. i didn't freak out about it, actually i didn't really care at all and assumed this bag full of my entire life would be fine. i was right. i couldn't find the shuttle bus to my hotel because the radisson shuttle bus does not exist, so i waited for 45 minutes for a ghost. i took a taxi to the hotel and checked in, but i didn't have any business casual clothes to wear to orientation (which started 30 minutes ago). so i strolled in, ripped and frayed cargo shorts and all, and joined the conference.

most of the peace corps volunteers don't look quite like i thought they would. i figured it'd be a combination of overachievers, minorities, retired couples, and mostly crunchy granola kids. i'd say its mostly overachievers. there are 70 of us. this pre-orientation is basically a general introduction to peace corps policy and some icebreakers too. the first night i was just going to be a recluse and stay in, but at the last minute i decided to go to south beach with the other volunteers and get dinner. it went really well, and i met some vegetarians. i was glad i went because i was feeling pretty down, and it made me feel better about everything and get my mind off of home.

miami is a sexy little slut. some parts of the city are disgusting and completely poverty-ridden and falling apart. other parts are swanky and upscale and glittery tank tops everywhere. it's almost like being in another country. almost no one is white and everyone has slick and shiny brown hair.

day two

today has been less eventful. i got an amazing night's sleep, and woke up completely surprised to be in a strange hotel room. all day we've just been having lectures and stuff. here's the highlight of the day:

we had to finish this sentence with the first thing that came to our minds. so the director said, "I am..." and the first and only thing i could think of was "I am a girl." so i wrote that down and thought about what else i could write, but then i didn't want to force anything and ignore the purpose of the exercise. so i handed it in and the director read everyone's outloud to the group. most people said something related to the peace corps, i guess i missed that. most responses were like, "I AM ANXIOUS AND EXCITED FOR THIS ADVENTURE AND I HOPE TO BE A PASSIONATE AND SUCCESSFUL VOLUNTEER TO INFLUENCE POSITIVE CHANGE!!!!" so basically it was a bunch of those responses, and then all of a sudden, "i am a girl." the whole room laughed. it was classy.

i just went to this little grocery store for some dinner. i felt like i was already in another country. like mexico maybe. someone asked me if i worked there. i said, "si, agua acqi. adios." the peace corps gave us $140.00 for these 2 days to pay for airport transportation and meals, etc. my plan is to use as little of the money they give me so i can save up to buy neat stuff. (dog, guitar, gifts, plane rides home). i was impressed with their generosity. hence my going to the grocery store for dinner. i got a bag of tortillas and some peanut butter. i thought it'd be a good plane snack.

so tomorrow morning i leave for the west indies. we have to wake up at 4:30am for our 10:50am flight. the irrationality, I KNOW. saturday morning i meet my host family and live with them for the next three weeks. i might not be able to keep in contact for a while, so don't be worried if i disappear.

my love.

a few hours ago i said goodbye to my best friends. it's just now hit me that this is all really happening. i suddenly feel very by myself.

i leave for the caribbean in exactly one month.

this is an excerpt of the poem, "the cows at night" by hayden carruth:

but i did not want to go,

not yet, nor knew what to do

if i should stay, for how

in that great darkness could I explain

anything, anything at all.

I stood by the fence. And then

very gently it began to rain.