It's been quite a while since I've updated this. And, I'm very happy to say, this will be my last blog post. At least, the last one about Peace Corps.

I've been home about 4 1/2 months now, and I've had some time to sit and think about everything that has happened in the last two years of my life. Wow. So much, so little, all at the same time.

I've gotten a lot of questions about everything since I've been back, but to sum them all up, everyone pretty much wants to know, "So. How was it?"

What a HUGE question!! Depending on my mood, the answer will be "Good" or a 15 minute diatribe about development in South Africa. Let's try and find a middle ground, shall we?

All in all, yes, it was good. Was it good all the time? No. Definitely not. Would I do it all over again? Yes. Would I do it a second time? Well...not right now. Maybe later. Waaaaaaaaaaaaay later. Am I happy I did it? YES.

I feel that over the past two years, parts of me and my personality and my outlook on life were lost in order for me to gain a greater sense of reality. But, I think that was necessary. The idealistic kid from Wisconsin who thought that with enough love, energy, and determination, you could improve the whole world is not who I am anymore. I still think those three things are essential if you are going to change something, I've just scaled back what that something really is. I think that you, or me, or any other PCV, or any other development worker, can really only do so much as one person. To think that you will "save the world" is absurd. To think that you will improve living conditions for your whole community in just two years is such a tall order. To think that you will change individual lives, now that's more realistic. You will. We did. I did.

I have developed a sense of pride about my Peace Corps service. I'M REALLY PROUD OF WHAT I DID. To belittle PC and act like none of us are really doing anything is too small. It's shrugging off such a greater responsibility that we all have to ourselves and to the communities for which we were chosen. When we were doing nothing, other people were doing nothing with us. Sometimes those other people were other PCVs. And those other PCVs are now my family. Our weird, messed up, fantastically wonderful family. I love them, so so much. (I LOVE YOU GUYS!) Sometimes those other people were my coworkers. And you know what we did when we did nothing together? We bonded. We laughed. We stared at each other when there was nothing else to do. But above all, we respected each other. And sometimes I did nothing with my host family. My host family, the diamond in the rough, the thing that kept me going when I didn't think I could. The source of all validation in a place where I didn't think I could find any. People who loved me like I was part of their family from the beginning. And sometimes, those people who did nothing with me? They were total strangers. But we were equals. We were equals waiting and sweating on the taxi. We were equally disgusted at some people's comments, and some people's choices. We equally cared about all those kids. Our kids. We were equals. Taking things one day at a time. So yeah. I did a whole lot of nothing. I don't think there's any shame in that. I did a lot of other stuff too, but look at what happened when I did nothing. There's a whole lot of love that came out of nothing.

So after all that...do I miss South Africa? Wow...the $10,000 question. Honestly? No. I don't miss it at all. I miss some of the people I met there. I miss them a whole lot. But, my life is here. I am happiest here, I smile more, I laugh more, I sleep through the night, and I have a great time with my wonderful friends and family. I am so happy to be back home. This is where I need to be right now.

I'm forever grateful for everything that I learned in the last two years. I think it make me grow up, it made me slow down, and it made me appreciate the intricacies of human beings. I understand that a person is a person, no matter what country they're from, and that we need to be more gentle with each other. Life is delicate. And it's special. And some people have a larger hill to climb than others, but we're all deserving of respect and admiration. But, most importantly, we need to love. When you have nothing, and you think you can't give anything more, there is always love. And love is the most appreciated of all sentiments. I know it sounds cheesy, but if everyone just loved each other a bit more, I really do think it would matter. It mattered in my life--especially during these past two years.

So, how do I end this post? My friend Megan has this quote at the bottom of her emails. I also stuck it at the bottom of mine for a while. I think it pretty much sums up my last two years of life as a Peace Corps Volunteer more perfectly than any blog post could ever do. So here it is. Enjoy.

"If in our daily life we can smile, if we can be peaceful and happy, not only we, but everyone, will profit from it. This is the most basic kind of peace work." -Thich Nhat Hahn

I've been sitting on this idea for a really long time, but wasn't really quite sure how to put it out in the public domain. And you know what? Who cares! I'm just going to type away and see what happens.

Before I came here, censoring things was not part of my reality. Makes me think of North Korea, China (Chah-nah), and apparently, Ethiopia as well. But me? Come on now. Grew up in Wisconsin, live in Seattle, blah blah blah. Kind of boring. No one cared what I said! Or at least, cared enough to censor me.

Then a funny thing happened. I came to Peace Corps, volunteered under the US Government, and now a whole lotta people care what I have to say. Weird. I knew that I'd have to censor things on this blog like where I lived, how I viewed politics, some negative personal opinions, etc etc. (And yes, I realize that I haven't done the best job. Oops.) But now there's a whole new dimension of censorship.

I wrote a post once about a highly visible public figure in SA politics. I had a lot of opinions in there. My dad read it, and strongly urged me to remove it from my blog. He explained that if things went bad here during the election, and in light of the xenophobic violence that has been happening, that my post may make me a target. You know...I had never thought of that. I mean, who cared what I had to say? But he was right. I'm not living in the US anymore. I can't take relative safety and security for granted anymore. (Bring it on...I'm so ready to get that back in my life!) So I deleted the post, and will never publicly write anything about the way I feel about politics here. It's just not appropriate, or safe.

Then came the censoring for the sake of myself and my other PCV friends. Our new CD has been rumored to closely follow (or have someone else closely follow) our blogs to find out if we are following all the rules, and to see if we are writing anything about vacations for which we may or may not have submitted appropriate and accurate leave forms. So, for the sake of all my friends, as I'm not sure who was or was not following the rules at any given point, I've pulled all my vacation pictures and stories because I don't want to get anyone busted. So there's more censorship.

Then, I had to put in a censor/filter on other things I write about. I have a whooooooooooooooooole lot of opinions about how things are going here. What kind of state this country is in, the value of Peace Corps within this country, the quality and competency of Peace Corps staff and volunteers, what kinds of things actually happen to me and my friends here, and I am never going to write anything about any of those topics. Although, those are the topics that I talk and think about the most.

Basically, I feel like even though I think critically about a lot of different things here, I can never write about them. And I bet a lot of other volunteers are doing the same thing. So if you read these blogs to gain a better understanding of what it is like to be a PCV in South Africa, I wonder how accurate a picture you are actually getting. Again, food for thought.

I looked back on my blog today, and kind of laughed. Man oh man, I am all over the place on this thing! One week is great, next week it's awful, blah blah blah. Well, I suppose that's all the truth. But, I also noticed that I hardly have any pictures on here. Part of that is due to censorship, so as my vacations won't get anyone in trouble, but there's also another reason to it all.

I am having a hard time taking pictures of people and their lives here. I guess I hadn't really thought about why I wasn't taking pictures, but this past week I had a revelation about it. I was out in a car with one of my co-workers, and we drove past this pretty awful situation. There were hundreds of people living on this piece of land, with no shelter or anything. And, as we were driving by, I saw this one guy filming the situation with a big huge camera, like the kind they use for the news. I followed his line of sight and I saw him filming these 4 people, all with dirty, ragged clothes, crouched around a fire while they were making pap in a tin coffee can that was resting in the fire. And...I was disgusted. I mean, geez, these are people's lives! Sure, they are in a pretty awful situation, but at this particular location, they were just waiting (for weeks) in order to obtain paperwork from the South African government so they can begin working and making a better life for themselves. Yeah, that situation sucks. But they are still people. And people have dignity and pride. To just bust into that and start filming, not making any contact with the subjects of the filming whatsoever, just seems to me like a huge invasion of privacy. I mean, these people have lives, they have stories, and maybe if this film guy would go over and talk to them, and try to understand their situation, maybe that would make me feel better. But to just film their situation for the shock value...sickening. I hate that.

I started thinking, maybe that's why I don't really take any pictures anymore. At least, pictures of people that I don't know personally. It makes me feel like I'm stealing a part of them. That they all have a history, and a story, and I'm bypassing all of that, disregarding it all, and just taking a snapshot of this moment in time. I'm not sure why that unsettles me so much, but it does.

So maybe that's why I don't have many pictures on here, why this blog is kind of boring. But really, I'm ok with that. I hope you are too.

Megan and I recently went to Lesotho. We stayed at place called Malealea lodge, and it was in the southern half of Lesotho. We were only there for about 4 days or so, but man did I fall in love with that country. It is so beautiful! And we felt safe the whole time, and the people were extremely friendly and non-threatening. It was a really great break from our reality!

We took a short horse ride to this river/gorge, where we went with a guide and walked through this in order to get down into the caves where the Bushmen paintings were being preserved.

After my last experience on my horse in Badplaas (thank you Jeannie and Tait) I was a bit nervous to go riding again. But this time it was ok. I was pretty nervous, but it was a short ride so we did fine.

We parked our horses and another guide walked us through the gorge down into some little caves where we saw all these paintings. It was really cool to see something so old preserved so well. Definitely was one of those, "Oh yeah, that's right, I'm still in Africa" moments.

On the other days we spent in Lesotho, we hiked (read: walked) around and watched the shepherds with their cattle, which is surprisingly fascinating.

These are two of the shepherds that we saw. They all wore these beautiful blankets around them. I loved that. They stood out against the green mountains in the background and it was just gorgeous.

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OK, BREAK. IT'S STORY TIME.

We're going to talk about dinosaur footprints now.

Ok. Rewind. Megan and I drove into Lesotho through one of the northern border posts. We were looking at our Lonely Planet, and somewhere in there it mentions that we can see some dinosaur footprints. I mean, really...how can you pass that up?! We read the little description, and it said something like, "Once you pass the sign for the primary school, turn left onto the dirt road. Take this until it forks, and then just follow this road until you get to the footprints." Or something simple-sounding like that.

HA. Simple. Good one.

So we turn after the primary school, and we drive. Then we get to a fork in the road, but there is nothing around there. A telephone booth, a few houses, some kids, some cattle, and a shebeen. We see no rock structure that looks like it may contain some dinosaur footprints. We then see this lady dressed in bright blue, and decide to ask her. We roll down the window and say, "Excuse me, we are looking for the dinosaur footprints, do you know where they are?" She looks at us for a moment, says nothing, then gets into the backseat of our car.

Megan and I look at each other and try to shake the South African involuntary paranoid

reaction that we have really refined at this point, move our groceries to the other side of the seat, and let her jump in. Then we try to stifle a laugh because DUH this is going to be a good story when it's all said and done.

We drive with this woman, and she tells us to drop her off at the Anglican church. (Dinosaurs...Anglican churches....ehhhhh what?) So we go along with it, because, well, why not. She's already in the car. The road turns from pretty bumpy to pretty rocky to mountainous, and we keep laughing because we're driving this crappy little VW Golf, which we've already blown one tire on during the trip. But, we make it to the church.

Our lady went to go join these ladies outside of the church. She then called over 4 kids and told them to go take us to the footprints. Alright! Perfect! We were ready to go. Megan was wearing a new skirt, and I had on flip flops and a new white shirt. We didn't think twice about this, because, well, we were sure we'd just walk somewhere close, see the footprints, then navigate our way out the mountainous road and back onto the tar road.

HA. Silly us. Of course that didn't happen.

Our tour guides kept climbing higher and higher, and because we have learned to stop asking questions and just go with it, we did just that. It was only about half way through, when we were panting and sweating, that we decided to ask them where these prints were. They looked up, waaaaaaaaaaaaay up there, and said we were going to those cliffs. Oh. Good. Great. Yeah. Megan in a skirt, me in flip flops. We weren't really sure what we were getting into.

We took a few breaks along the way, and the kids struck a pose. The one in the hat in the back, he was incredibly articulated and well spoken. Also, the perfect gentleman. Well done, Lesotho!

Remember when I said we weren't really prepared for what we were about to get into? Well, I caught that on film. This impasse caused us some trouble. The kids didn't seem to understand that old out of shape Americans with bad footwear may take a bit longer than others to complete this task.

But finally, we made it! The footprints! They were really cool, on the underside of an overhang. I later found out that they are protruding like that because the initial imprint was filled in by sediment and then hardened, falling away. (Thank you to Brooke, Jed, Kim and Mike for explaining this to us!) What was left was what you see in the pictures. My critical thinking skills have been on vacation for a while now, so Megan and I were tossing around ideas of why they looked that way. Our best one? They are from pterodactyls and they pterodactyls were hanging upside down.

We trekked back down to the bottom, doled out the rest of our candy and some unfortunate polony sandwiches, got back in our VW Golf and were on our way. It was quite the time, a definitely unexpectedly fantastic detour that I am so happy we took.

The end.

Megan is my buddy. Not like the kind of buddy where you're like, oh, hey buddy, what's up. But the kind of buddy where you know when things go wrong, or things go right, or things just...go, she'll be there, and she'll understand, and you can say anything you want and know that never will she be offended, or judge you, or think less of you as a person. I don't really know how to describe that type of person, especially that type of person who can digest not only her own experience, but mine and others' as well. However, after reading this post of hers (I pasted it below), I think you may understand. I salute you, Mmapula, for being here. And doing, or not doing, what it is that you are doing, or not doing, in Metz village.

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With what little light coming through that window, we are like trees

I knew this was coming and have been mentally bracing?, distancing?, preserving?, myself for how things were going to unfold, but I gotta tell you things still sway me, still hit my core. I'm sitting here, half a asleep, a little stunned, and not emotional at all, staring at the light that comes through my little window. This week the original group of 90 something people (my group, 2007-2009), the NGO side having 43, is losing 2 more volunteers. Yeah, not much to say. Everything swirls around events that lead up to these decisions of leaving. Everything. There's no real measure of how tough you are or if a person like you can really hack it. There's no concrete idea of success or failure. It is what it all is. It's not so black and white, man, there are so many different shades of gray, and in so many ways I'm tired of pulling things apart to try and understand how all the results come out. I do know that I understand... on some level I can't even really put into words most of the time... why people leave. Why they stay. Why they're tired. Why they're angry. Why they wish to jump over the counter at the post office and hug the woman who didn't overcharge them. Why chocolate still seems to be soothing. Why tears still come. Why it's not about homesickness anymore. Why it's hard to gather words to describe something. Why "I understand" and "I know" have become phrases frequently used. Why lights at the end of the tunnel are where they focus their sights. Why, even after so much loss, when they hear someone is leaving or someone has been violated in some way, they feel the punch in the gut and then the feeling spreads through all the limbs. Why self preservation has become a goal. Why they know love is in all the chaos and they fight to find it. Oh, why they fight, fight, fight through the battle. Why they focus on the little things. Why they tell themselves that being productive and cranking out numbers is not the only reason they're here. Why they gotta do what they gotta do. Why they, even when they're so, so tired, still question why.

We had our event yesterday, and for the most part, it was a huge success! All but one person/group showed up on time (or early!) which in South Africa is a pretty amazing feat in and of itself. We had a few minor issues, but all got resolved and our event kept everyone going all day. We had some key note speakers about HIV, TB, STIs, opportunistic infections, and nutrition. We also had a lot of performers, including some youth choirs, a drama group, a Swazi cultural dancing group, and a local hip hop group. Of course, we had a bit of jika ma jika as well! (Some spur of the moment dance contests.) I had lots of support from the Municipality and Barberton Mines, and by the end of our planning they really took ownership over this event, which is great. That's always the ultimate goal. The Municipal HIV/AIDS Coordinator was already talking about how they could do it better next year, which thrilled me. We're going to be the front page story in the Barberton Times Newspaper, so I'll see if I can scan it in and send it along. It seemed that everyone was enjoying themselves, and 18 people tested at the VCT mobile testing unit, so that's always good. I wish more had tested, but hey, 18 is a start. After the event was over, we fed everyone (some twice, three times, some that never even came to the event...) which was actually quite chaotic, but that's how they do it this side, so we went with it. I don't think I ever want to cater for 1000 South Africans ever again in my whole life, but definitely an interesting occurrence. All in all I am happy with the way it turned out, and hopefully some people walked away learning a thing or two. Above: The crowd at Emjindini Sports Stadium. We estimated that about 300 to 350 came to the event.

Above: People in line to get HIV tests. This mobile VCT unit tested 18 people on 1 December. It's not a huge amount, but those are 18 people who now know their status.

Above: Someone from Barberton Mines frying up the wors! Wors wors wors. We had 1000 sausages, rolls, a can of juice, and an apple for all who attended.

Above: The Department of Health and Barberton Mines had informational booths for people to visit. They included information on nutrition (and sold vegetables from their income generating project in Verulam!), condom use, TB, STIs, and general health.

Above: The Coca Cola sound stage that we got donated for our event. Pretty cool contraption, huh? On it is the UYC Choir, one of the youth choirs that sang at the event.

Above: The traditional Swazi dancers from Barberton Mines. I love love love Swazi dancing, I think it looks so great!

This is the event that we've been working so hard on! The event will have mobile VCT testing units, and the presenters will be able to use the Coca Cola Sound Stage which has been donated for our use. The day will start at 11:00 with a soccer match, and then the main program will run from 12:00-4:00 and will include speeches from the Mayor and the Department of Health, and performances by choirs, drama groups, and cultural dancing groups. Light refreshments will be served at the end of the event. If you are in the area and would like to come, we'd love to have you! I'll write an update about how this event goes, I'm sure, as it is arguably the biggest thing I've been working on to date in South Africa.

I have a friend who is doing Peace Corps in Ethiopia, Anna. She and I went to school together in Seattle before we both parted ways for two (very different!) countries in Africa. Anyway, I was catching up on her blog, and she posted this great poem. I tried to copy and paste it but the spacing got all weird, and to tell you the truth, I'm just too lazy right now to figure it all out. So I'll just give you a link to her blog! The poem is called To an English Friend in Africa and is written by Ben Okri, a Nigerian poet.

So, you should read it. Especially you SA PCVs out there. Here's the link:

http://anniopia.blogspot.com/2008/09/to-english-friend-in-africa.html

Enjoy!

Writing about politics is difficult, especially when you are in a different country. I've been warned by many (namely, my dad and Peace Corps HQ) to not comment on anything that could get me in trouble. So, I'm going to attempt to stick to the facts and keep my opinions out of it. But South African politics are just so interesting right now that I feel like I need to write something about them! As always, my info comes from The Great Wikipedia.

Here are the key players/political parties:

Thabo Mbeki: Part of the ANC. President from 1999-2008. Resigned in September 2008.

Jacob Zuma: Part of the ANC. Deputy President from 1999-2005 under Thabo Mbeki, dismissed under allegations of corruption. President of ANC from December 2007. Will run for President of South Africa in April 2009 as ANC candidate.

Kgalema Motlanthe: Part of ANC. Interim President of South Africa from September 2008 (when Thabo Mbeki stepped down)-April 2009 when then general election will be held.

Lekota: Minister of Defense under Mbeki. He resigned from the ANC party following Mbeki's resignation. He is the founder of the splinter ANC party, temporarily named the South African National Congress (SANC). Lekota stated that the ideology of the party will be one that is embracive of multiracial and multicultural participation in governance, promoting of the free market and removed from the Marxism that had long influenced the ANC's ideology since it first allied with the South African Communist Party in the 1950s during the anti-apartheid struggle.

Now let's go for a timeline, shall we?

November 2005: Jacob Zuma's rape trial. Read more here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacob_Zuma_rape_trial

2005: Jacob Zuma's dismissal from the government due to allegations of corruption.

8 May 2006: Zuma found not guilty on charge of rape.

18 December 2007: Zuma defeats Thabo Mbeki and becomes President of the ANC, thus becoming the ANC candidate for the 2009 general election. Thabo Mbeki remains President of South Africa.

28 December 2007: Zuma served an indictment to stand trial in the High Court on various counts of racketeering, money laundering, corruption and fraud. Read more here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jacob_Zuma#Corruption_charges

4 August 2008: Trial postponed due to Zuma having brought a High Court application to have the charges against him declared unlawful on a technicality (which had nothing to do with his innocence or guilt).

12 September 2008: Judge Chris Nicholson held that Zuma's corruption charges were unlawful on procedural grounds in that the National Directorate of Public Prosecutions ("NDPP") did not give Zuma a chance to make representations before deciding to charge him (this is a requirement of the South African Constitution), and directed the state to pay legal costs. Nicholson also added, however that he believed political interference played a role in the decision to recharge Zuma, although he did not say this was the reason why he held that the charges brought against Zuma were unlawful. Nicholson also stressed that his ruling did not relate to Zuma's guilt or innocence, but was merely on a procedural point.

21 September 2008: Thabo Mbeki, then current President, steps down.

23 September 2008: Lekota and 9 other Ministers under Thabo Mbeki resign.

25 September 2008: Kgalema Motlanthe appointed president of South Africa by the South African National Assembly after the resignation of Thabo Mbeki and, according to the ANC leadership, will hold the role until the 2009 general election.

8 October 2008: Lekota announced that the faction of the ANC party that was loyal to Mbeki would serve "divorce papers", indicating a secession from the ANC and the creation of a new political party.

13 October 2008: The ANC leadership reacted by offering a peace meeting between treasurer Mathews Phosa and Lekota and his former deputy defence minister Mluleki George. However, the meeting ended without resolution.

14 October 2008: Lekota and George were suspended from membership in the ANC, with threats of suspension against any other members who sought to join Lekota and George.

30 October 2008: SABC news reported that the new party had adopted the name, the South African National Congress or South African Democratic Congress, however, this is still only speculation and the name is yet to be officially announced.

TODAY (3 November 2008): The South African Democratic Congress is speculated to be officially announced.

April-ish 2009: General elections for the South African President will be held.

Ok. There you have it. No analysis and no opinions, but oh so interesting!

I've been reading a lot of other blogs from PCVs in South Africa. I think it's really interesting. You can find a whole list here if you want to read more: http://www.peacecorpsjournals.com/

Anyway, I find it really fascinating the way people depict their time here. All of us, more or less, have the same ups and downs, with some really fantastic and some really terrible things that happen along the way. We also all have these expectations from people at home that we are "saving the world" (This is a pet peeve of mine. Please do not tell me I am doing this.) and "living the dream." Now, quite honestly, I don't think any of us are actually doing any of that. Sure, we may have glimpses of things like that here and there, but the majority of our time is just spent trying to figure out how to live happily in another place. Vague, I know, but pretty accurate. I've tried to present my time here as accurately as possible. I've never once said it is easy (or if I did it was before I realized it was hard) and I haven't said it was a bed of roses. On the other hand, I've also said I've grown more here than ever, and I'm really happy I'm doing this. And in between those two end points, I've told you some good stories, some bad stories, and some things that are completely random. And you know...I feel that this blog is a good representation of my time here. You can tell when I was in a low point and you can tell when I was in a high point. That's how it goes. That's life here.

Now, what I think is funny are those blogs that only tell of the most fantastic, stereotypical "Peace Corps" things that happen. I mean, yes, people back home love reading about the good stories. They love thinking that you are doing what they expected you to be doing. A "feel good" blog makes people at home happy with the fact that you are here, doing good things. But I also think it's really unfair. To represent your life here as roses and sunshine is just not the truth. Yes, sometimes it's great. But those times where you want to bang your head against the wall repeatedly? What about those times? I think that if you're writing a blog to tell your friends and family what it's like being here, then tell them what it's like being here. I just don't think you're doing anyone a favor by acting like you are living the Peace Corps Dream that we all had/have.

So, that's my two cents. And for the record, yes, I'm still really happy I'm here. I'm learning so much more than I thought I would be. But, this is the hardest thing I've ever done. Full stop.

I have this list. In fact, I have it written down in my little brown book and labeled as "My List." (Clever, I know.) My List is a list of questions that I have come across where neither I nor my closest PC friends know the definite answer. So, I've decided to look them up and publish what I find. Now, don't get me wrong, these questions are really random and many times are not really pertinent to Peace Corps or South Africa, but none the less, I didn't know the answer to them. All my info comes from The Great Wikipedia. Here goes!

Burning Question #1: Who is Cecil Rhodes?

I hear a lot about this Mr. Rhodes. Rhodes scholars...Rhodesia...what what what. There are many streets here that are called Rhodes, and I realized I actually don't really know anything about him. So, I did a little wiki here wiki there, and this is what I found out. You can count this as the one new thing that you've learned today. :)

Imperialistic, Much?

Mr. Cecil John Rhodes was a British businessman. He thought colonization was a good thing and thus colonized "Rhodesia." Rhodesia later split into Zambia (Northern Rhodesia) and Zimbabwe (Southern Rhodesia), which is something I didn't know. He spent a lot of time in South Africa, establishing a fruit farm around Stellenbosch (near-ish to Cape Town) and then made his way to Kimberley in the Northern Cape.

He went to school in Oxford for a bit here and there, and came to greatly admire that University. After he died the Rhodes Scholarship was established. The phrase, "Wherever you turn your eye—except in science—an Oxford man is at the top of the tree" is used as a type of motto. I don't know, makes me roll my eyes, but Cecil and I don't share many similarities or morals or values.

The more I read, the better I understand this guy. He loved himself an empire! He basically wanted to show British dominance and imperialism all throughout Africa, yet wanted to do it himself. He didn't want people back in Britain to have anything to do with it. Here's a quote that I found in the Wikipedia article: "Rhodes said of the British, 'I contend that we are the finest race in the world and that the more of the world we inhabit the better it is for the human race.'"

And, if that weren't enough for you, here's another doozy: “We must find new lands from which we can easily obtain raw materials and at the same time exploit the cheap slave labor that is available from the natives of the colonies. The colonies would also provide a dumping ground for the surplus goods produced in our factories.”

Nice.

Diamonds are Forever

In Kimberley he got into the diamond mining industry and founded De Beers (ouch). De Beers once marketed 90% of the world's rough diamonds, but now markets 40%. You should read more on De Beers. They have been known to have some issues with conflict diamonds and with monopolizing the diamond industry. But that is neither here nor there, just another interesting tidbit.

For those of you who like celebrity gossip, here's the angle for you:

Rhodes never married, and many speculated that he was gay. However, there's no conclusive evidence either way, so who really knows. There was one Polish Princess who was kind of obsessed with him and she claimed they were engaged, but he refused. She accused him of loan fraud to get back at him, and this eventually caused his downfall. Ha. Oh those Polish Princesses...

He also was not liked by the military. He came back to South Africa for the Boer War and many of his counterparts considered him a liability rather than an asset. Apparently he fought with the military because he wanted them to adopt his personal plans for the war, regardless of his inexperience. The military couldn't stand him as he refused to cooperate with them.

In Conclusion

So there you have it, folks. Cecil Rhodes: what a guy.

Above: Table Mountain was right behind our backpackers in Cape Town!

Above: This was the view from the "back yard" of our backpackers in Fransschoek.

Above: Fransschoek, beautiful wine country.

Above: Jackass Penguins (yes, they are really called that!) on the beach in Simon's Town.

Above: The view from our house in Simon's Town!!

Above: One of MANY rainbows we saw on this trip. This is near Simon's Town.

Above: V&A Waterfront in Cape Town

Above: Me at the Cape of Good Hope!

Above: All of us at the Cape of Good Hope, "the most south-western point on the African continent." :)

In celebration of the conquering of our first year here, I was inspired to pool all of my creative juices. That means that I wrote a poem. Oh yes, and it is quite bad, so I hope you enjoy! This is for all y’all PCVs who are here, still, and why I love you. Congrats on making it one year!!

I LOVE my fellow SA-16s because…

We talk about our digestive systems

When we wake up

When we are bored

When we are at work

When we are…not at work

When we are using precious airtime

When we are on taxis

When we are eating

When we are drinking

Before we go to bed

And yes…even when we are dreaming

But never do we think this is strange or inappropriate

We may smell bad

We may go on smelling so bad that someone actually points it out

We ponder the fact that maybe we did not notice

And then…we move on

We may be greasy

Some people may ask us if we have just showered due to the sheen in our hair

But clearly

We all know the answer to that one

We may wear the same clothes over and over

For a year or more

And they may fade

And gradually expand in size

And develop holes in places that shouldn’t really have holes

And start to become crusted with Omo

But never the less

We wear those same clothes

And think they look just fine

We have become frugal

We may not buy cheese

Or a space heater

Or new running shoes that are still in once piece

Or meat

Or jeans that fit the new you

Or yogurt

Or good coffee

Or chips or cookies

Wait…scrap that last one…

But when you really get down to it

We all just know that a Cheeky Monkey 2 for 1 is a better way to spend those Rand than trying to eat a balanced diet

We find ways to use our time

We talk to our pets

We dance partially clothed while rocking out to our ipods in our rooms

We invent stupid games with intricate detail and detailed directions

We read

A LOT

Anything, really

Except things about South Africa

We write stupid stuff on blogs (umm…)

We daydream of life “that side”

We keep thinking we’re going to get in shape

And justify the twenty minute walk to the store in order to buy a lunch bar

Facebook

We do this

A lot

We bookmark the status page and check to make sure everyone is still alive

…about once an hour

We look at photos of everyone’s vacations

And also of everyone in general

And maybe of everyone else’s friends…

We play scrabble

And get irritated when someone takes more than one day to put down their word

We keep track of each other’s love lives

Their emotional and mental health

Then plan a get together immediately according to what you read

And when we do see each other, we begin conversations with

“So I saw on Facebook that…(fill in emotional disaster here)”

We drop like flies

Another one bites the dust

Again

And again

And again and again and again

And then we wonder

Why am I still here?

We ask each other this same question

We take a long pause to think and ponder that idea

Then shrug our shoulders and keep going

No one really knows why

Maybe someday we will know

Or…maybe we won’t

Because we like food

Any kind of food

Especially American food

And Indian food

We plan trips around food

We travel great distances for food

And when we get together

We eat so much that we end up rolling out of 1322

On Sunday morning to go home

Well, ok, maybe Monday

…ok, let’s make it Tuesday

I promise, Tim, I’m definitely leaving on Wednesday…

But most of all

I love all of you

Because you get it

Because this whole thing makes sense to you

Because somehow, out of this craziness

We may find sparks of beauty

And sometimes we end up being happy

But for the times that we are not

It’s ok

Because everyone else gets it

No one judges

No one tells you it’s easy

And no one will tell you it will get better

But they will look at the ground, nod their head, and say, “I know. I get it.”

And you know that they are right

They do know

They do get it

And then, we laugh

Because sometimes there’s nothing else to do but laugh

And you know it will be ok

And we go on

Together

I was on my third flight of a three flight trip back to SA and I ended up sitting next to this older white man who lives in Jo'burg. We began talking about South Africa in general, and what I'm doing there. Somehow we got on the subject of the South African government, and if you've ever talked to me about this before, you know I have a few choice words about the way things are run down here. But, I usually hold my tongue when I talk to people I don't know, and wait to hear what they have to say. So I'm sitting listening to this guy, and he is talking a lot about how the government has really messed things up since '94 and is really making it difficult for a white person to be successful. Now, if you'd asked me about my reactions to this type of conversation maybe 6 or 9 months ago, I'd probably roll my eyes and utter something about being racist. But, after seeing what I have seen in the last year, I realize it's not racism at all. It's just the reality here. Sometimes it's really hard to be a white person looking for success in South Africa. Anyway, as we're chatting we start on select political figures. Mbeki, Zuma, Manto, etc etc. And as he's talking, he starts testing me. "You work with HIV populations, how do you feel about Manto's views?" So I answer accordingly (and correctly!) and he gives a small nod accompanied by a slight smile. He says, "You've been there long enough. You know." So then we launch into a conversation about the future of SA. It keeps going for some time and then finally, I ask, "Have you thought about emigrating?" He takes a while to sit and think carefully about his answer, and he responds, "Yes, I've thought about it." So I then ask, "Why do you want to stay?" and he gets the same smile I spoke of before. He says, "For the same reasons you are coming back." We left the conversation at that.

But, as I put on my nerdy facemask light-blocker thing and started to prepare for my first of many naps on that flight, I really thought a lot about what his last comment meant. Why am I coming back? I have been known to use the word "hate" when talking about this country in the past, yet I am still here, and I will stay here until I'm done. But why? I guess I never really thought about it before. I can rattle off a list of reasons I don't like it here, and probably give you a list of potentially positive things that are being done, but I've never really thought about WHY. So I did. And I came up with something that to me, is quite remarkable, something I never thought I'd ever say: Because this is home.

My roommate Lindsae has this quote posted: Home is where you make it. I guess it's never really been any more true for me than right now. I struggle here a lot. More than I ever have before. But after putting in so much time and energy and heart into this place, I've slowly started to understand it. And, after a year, I've realized that I learned how to live here, and how to survive here. I've learned how to stay happy and how to dig myself out of holes, I've learned to throw away my big grand dreams for this place and really appreciate the small victories that scatter my days. I've learned how to use (or not use) my time during my days so that at the end of the day, I am satisfied. And, when I look back on it all...I've realized that because I've learned to do all of those things, I've made this my home. I live here now, and I will continue living here for the next year. I fought it for so long, thinking, I'll just endure this for two years and then go back "home." But you know what? That's no way to live your life. Wishing away two years is not a way to really fully embrace what's going on here. You have to live HERE and NOW. So...from this day forward, that's what I'm going to do. I will live here, in South Africa, and call it home. Because...well...it is.

I had a moment today when I realized everything was coming together. Well, let me revise that statement. I had a moment today when I realized that all of these random acts that I've been compiling over the past 11 months have actually begun to pay off. They are not so random anymore! This is pretty huge, folks.

As a side note, I think my home based care is going to close soon, as they are not going to be funded anymore. I haven't quite processed the whole thing, mainly because I've learned to not give up hope until someone has the final word, and until that point, anything can happen. So, we'll see what happens. However, because of this I've realized that if I want to do anything with these kids, I have got to do it asap because the center could be nonexistent any day now. Literally.

I have been wanting to do HIV stuff with the kids for a long time now. But I always got so hung up on making a plan and a curriculum and preparing myself and blah blah blah. That always seemed like such a daunting task, so I kept putting it off. But now it's crunch time. I threw in the towel and said screw it, I just want to talk to these kids. I don't need prep time for that! So I decided to have a question and answer session strictly about HIV today. I brought in paper where they could all write down questions and I said I would answer every question that I had in my hand, no matter how awkward or embarrassing it was. I wanted it to be really relaxed, like a big conversation, not like a lecture. So I told them they could interrupt me whenever they wanted and they could tell me if I didn't explain it well or if they had more questions. So we started. And then...we kept going. And going. And going. And going.

It was amazing. We sat for two hours in this little room and we just talked about HIV and anything and everything that came with it. We talked about EVERYTHING! Everything from myths about Americans bringing AIDS to kill black people, to penis size, to breast milk, to circumcision, to mosquitoes, you name it! They were so great. And I can't describe to you how amazing it was that they sat and were engaged the whole time. They listened to everything and kept asking more and more questions. I mean, it was a room of like 20 kids, from the ages of about 8 to 21. It was just really great. We even had to cut it a little short because the center was closing and I needed to catch a taxi before dark.

Today was the first time I had led anything with those kids. Normally I come in and I work with the management team and then stay and hang out with the kids. I kind of thought I was wasting time. But I realized today that each day I was "wasting" with those kids was one more day that I could try to establish relationships and trust with those kids. And after 9 months...I did. When the time came for me to lead something--they listened. And they helped me. We had this conversation together and we both gained from it. So I guess I wasn't just wasting time after all! A very Peace Corps moment.

When I first came to Africa, I absolutely fell in love. It got into my blood and I could tell it was there to stay—I knew I would always be drawn back here. It made such an impression on me, and the most memorable and admirable quality was the intensity, depth, and breadth of love that I saw. It was so different than home. I came home with the impression that community mattered first and foremost, and everything else was secondary. I thought that was such a great way to view humanity. I wanted to go back as soon as possible.

Now, my impression is being challenged. I am just furious. And disappointed. All I can do is just sit here and shake my head. I’m not sure what the international coverage is on all of this, but for those who are unsure of what is going on right now, there are huge xenophobic attacks on foreigners in the townships surrounding Jo’burg. For the past 4 or 5 days, every news broadcast would announce yet another township that was hosting these hateful attacks. The alleged motive behind all of this is jealousy and competition over jobs. Apparently, many South Africans are attacking foreigners who they claim are “taking” their jobs. If you ask me, and this is just my opinion, I feel like the entitlement that many South Africans have is at play here as well. So many people I have met feel like they are “owed” things because of what happened to them and their ancestors in the past. However, there is not much gratitude. Many expect grand gestures and large sums of money, and in this case, good paying jobs. The notion of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps does not exist for South Africans—many don’t even want to deal with bootstraps, they just want someone else to pull them up. So, my opinion? I think that many of these lower paying and lower class jobs are being passed up by South Africans and eagerly taken by people from Zimbabwe, Mozambique, and anywhere else they may come from. Again, this is my opinion. I don’t want to speak for other PCVs or other South Africans. I most definitely am not in those Jo’burg townships (thank god!) and do not know what it is like to live there. But this is what I see from where I am living.

I woke up today around 6:30 and turned on the news at 7:00. They had a few people on the show who were debating what it meant to be “African.” Vuyo, the news broadcaster, started by asking what it was to be African, and if race had anything to do with it. The first man answered by saying, “It has to do with values. I am African. If people can identify with my values, then they can call themselves African. If they can identify with my culture and history, can share the same oppressors and know what it is like to be in the struggle, they can be African. But you must share those things, otherwise you are not. If you were born here it doesn’t mean you are African. If your ancestors came from Europe, you are not African.” So basically he is saying that any white, Indian, or Asian person living in South Africa, even if their families have been here for the past 200 years, cannot be African. So much for ubuntu.

Vuyo started reading more emails that were coming in from viewers, and it seems that a lot of people share this opinion. Although the attacks are focused on other black Africans from other countries, the hate is not focused solely on them—the hate surrounds anyone that is not “African” per above definition.

As the interviews went on, Vuyo asked why this was happening. Both interviewees answered the question in the same way, using different words. I was astonished. Both men said that this is the way they have been taught. They have been taught to hate and to be jealous and to separate themselves from others, because of Apartheid. They said, “If we were never taught these things, the current attacks would never have happened. It is not our fault, this is what we have been taught.” Yeah. Sit on that one for a while. This is why I am furious. There is absolutely no responsibility for these attacks, and the fact that “highly respected” men on a news show can say things like that is sickening to me.

I don’t have a good way of wrapping this up. There is no “lesson learned” or “personal growth moment” which I try to find in most situations here. I am furious, disappointed, and ashamed of this country. There seem to be so many people trying to make things better here, yet it’s like one step forward, and about 952 steps backward. It just makes me sad. The longer I live here the more this country seems to be digging itself into a deeper and deeper hole, and I’m not quite sure if there is anything that can be done to pull them out.

This week we had three public holidays, so I've had a lot of extra time. I think I figured out how to put a slideshow of pictures in my blog. Hmmm. I'm going to try it now. Let me know if it works.

It's a slideshow of some pictures from my Winter vacation this year. We were first in Amanzimtoti, South Africa. Then, Weedman and I went to Uganda and Rwanda. I have many many more pictures, but here are just a few so that you don't get too bored!

View AlbumGet your own

Totally unrelated picture:This is a spider that is currently residing outside of the door to my bedroom. And that in my hand? That is my ipod. THE SPIDER IS AS BIG AS MY IPOD. I'm not really sure what to do about it, so I'm going to ignore it until a) it goes away or b) until it becomes a problem.

Ok, now here's my real blog post...

Everyone has such a hard time trying to come up with a definition of “Peace Corps.” I still have not really come up with a comprehensive answer to the question, “So, what do you actually do?” The answer is usually somewhere between nothing and everything. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and I think I have come up with something that makes sense. I think Peace Corps is just a big game of connect the dots.From the beginning we have all been told that everyone’s experience is different. Each volunteer has different strengths and weaknesses, and that can shape each site and placement …blah blah blah…so basically at the end you still sit wondering, “Ok…I get it…but um, what am I actually going to do?” Then of course we all move to a new topic and well, 9 months and counting, many of us are still trying to answer that question.But the problem is that we think about it so specifically and try to pinpoint tangible and exact answers. And quite honestly, especially in this country, that is just not what we do. We don’t do tangible. We do vague. So trying to give an exact description of what a PCV in SA does--well, that's pretty much impossible. But, I'd have to say, trying to figure that out could keep you occupied if you have an enormous amount of extra time on your hands to sit and think. Um, coughcoughcough, not that I know anyone like that or anything...Anyway, back to the connect the dots thing. Imagine a huge connect the dots puzzle, but without the numbers. If you tried connecting the dots to make a picture, and I tried connecting the dots to make a picture, it is almost certain our pictures would not look the same. But, they are both still pictures. The dots are all the events, people, organizations, opportunities and everything else that lies at each site. And the lines--that's us. We just connect the people to the places to the events.

Now take a step back and look at the big picture. I am one person, in one town, of one country, trying to make things better. In reality, I am just a blip on the radar screen. I am only here for a short time, trying to connect the dots. But, eventually I will leave, and the dots will still be there. So if we all can just make the right connections in the right places, then I think our communities will have benefited from our stay.So there you have it. Deep thoughts.

Changes here happen slowly, and you don't really realize they're happening until one day...BAM...it hits you: I'M DIFFERENT THAN BEFORE. It's not necessarily a bad thing, or a good thing, but it's really strange. If you'd have asked me a month ago, I would have told you yeah, sure, I'm pretty much the same as I was before I left. Maybe a little less idealistic, maybe a little more realistic with a touch of cynicism, but more or less the same. But, small incremental changes have been taking place and as I talked to my friend Megan (also a Danger), we realized they had all snuck up on us and attacked at once.

As she put it, when you think, "Village life in Africa? Yeah, I can do that, no problem," and in the same instance you think, "Oh man. Ok. I have to call home. What am I going to say? How do I explain this? They're not going to understand," you know things are different.

It's like I'm stuck in a time warp. When I talk to people from home, the only things I have to relate to are things that happened at least 9 months ago, if not longer. New jobs, new cities, new favorite bars, new girlfriends/boyfriends, I just don't know what to say anymore. Time progresses on both sides...but for some reason, it's difficult for me to accept that everyone else is also changing. I know my friends will still be there, but it will be different. And, quite honestly, that kind of scares me.

I suppose this is one of those big grand life lessons that everyone is supposed to learn when they're in the Peace Corps. And, I'm sure I'll be thankful about it later (that's what they all say). But for right now, it makes me uneasy. I just have to accept that we live in two parallel worlds, and both are progressing and changing, but let me tell you: that is much easier said than done.

I had the most wonderful, awkward, disconnected and fantastic conversation on my taxi ride home today. The kids walked me to the spot where I normally flag down a taxi, yet none of the regular ones were around. It was HOT today and all four of us were just standing and sweating. So finally I just flag down an old bus (think VW bus), which is still a taxi, they’re just not very legal and I try to steer clear of them. Anyway, I get in, I’m the only passenger, and I sit in the front seat because the back seats seem too hard to maneuver. With the kids screaming “Bah-bye! Hamba kahle! Kubona kusasa Abbbbbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Nombusoooooooooo!” in the background, we start our trip back to town. It’s at a strange time of day, right in the middle of the afternoon, so we don’t pick up anyone else. The conversation starts, and I am pleasantly surprised that he asks me in what I am doing in the township, in SiSwati. There was no mention of love or marriage, so I gave this guy a chance. I answer him with a Swati sentence that was constructed painfully slowly, and look at him for approval when I finish. He smiles. He actually does a lot more than smile. He whoops and hollers and then goes off in Swati at a speed that would be hard to understand by most native Swati speakers. He looks at my face and bursts out laughing; clearly I am lost. He then turns the conversation to…you guessed it…marriage. He asks me if I’m married, and I say no. I am waiting. Then, as I’m expecting the next sentence to be the ever so popular, “Marry me, I love you,” like it always is, he surprises me again and says, “You marry a black men. Black men are the best.” I laugh at his comments, and we talk a bit more in the strangest tangle of languages. It’s mostly Swati for him, mostly English for me, but both of us trying to manage in the opposite tongue. He asks me more about what I do, and I said I worked with HIV/AIDS, but am not a doctor. And then, after the usual thanks and praise, he surprises me for a third time. He says, “Oh I see now. No marriage. This disease everywhere. You must make them wait. To be sure. To be love. You must take time.” We then continue in our strange Swati/English fusion, and eventually we are talking about abstaining and waiting for true love. We talk about true love in a way that is so familiar to him, and so foreign a concept to my life in South Africa thus far. We never talk about love, much less true love. We talk about sex, we talk about HIV, we talk about condoms, but we rarely talk about love—especially not during a fifteen minute taxi ride. And this man was proud of me. Proud of me for being single, for working with HIV, for working in his township. This man also understood. He understood why true love was so important, and how it could solve so many of the problems that we all see here. It seems so shallow and idealistic, to say that true love will help. But, after talking more with him, we both decided that it is actually an idea that is too easily dismissed. I have now been home for about 4 hours, and I keep thinking about that conversation. How such an ordinary man, so typical in this town, understood so much about HIV and love and how they are so intertwined. True love prevents you from sleeping with multiple people, prevents you from having sex when you are too young, from having sex without a condom. True love respects the wishes of your partner, even when she is female and so afraid to speak up. True love will fight any battle, even if that battle is HIV. True love puts forth the effort that is so badly needed to fight the effects of this disease.

Now, where does that leave me? I’m not quite sure yet. I will have to get back to you on that one. Maybe...all you need is love?

Here is a short numbered list for your general amusement: I am coming home this summer!!! It’s official, Linda bought me a ticket and I’ll be arriving in the glorious US of A on June 26 and leaving July 17. You will notice that I will be home for all of Summerfest. Oh yes, yes I will. I’ll be staying with momsey and Big Jer or with my sister, and obviously be making trips to Chicago, Madison, and Green Bay. Sorry to say, I am flat broke so I can’t afford to come to Seattle. But you home-slices could come to Chicago because I know you all love it there! (hinthintcoughcoughlindsaeabbydawn) So, if you want to come visit, you are more than welcome. I am offering up my mom’s or sister’s house for you to stay, and it will be grand.I AM BUSY. Now, go back and read that again, because it is just simply magnificent. Ok, I should clarify: I’m not busy by American standards, but more by Peace Corps standards. And that pretty much means that I have a purpose to my days and I am not bored anymore. But, I still have lots of free time. It could potentially be the best set-up ever. I’m never stressed but always have something to do. I have figured out my big project for this year: I want to have a massive World AIDS Day awareness event in my township. I want to make it a huge community event that is not only informative and educational, but also really fun. I want to get a big stage donated so that we can have music. I also want the kids at my drop-in center to perform skits, dramas, and sing, so that they can feel a sense of ownership and pride. Maybe I’ll even have a soccer tournament! I want it to be HUGE and FUN. And, if I can find a bouncy castle, I am going to bargain my butt off to get that donated. A bouncy castle is the epitome of all great public events. So. That’s my goal for this year. World AIDS Day is December 1st, so I’ve got plenty of time. Oh it’s going to be good. So so good.I have been told that I sound like a native Swazi! This is major, considering I really don’t put a lot of time/effort into learning the language anymore. But, the people at Thandanani agreed to help me, so they speak to me mainly in SiSwati so that I can learn it quicker. It is actually helping a lot. I can do basic phrases and know enough important words to get around. Plus, my accent is getting better and I don’t sound so foreign anymore. (But obviously this only helps if someone cannot see me, because there surely aren’t many white Swazi’s out there!) So maybe by the end of 2 years I actually will be fluent. Ok…maybe conversational. Not fluent. I am starting to think about thesis/DP stuff and I have applied for funding from two different sources at the University of Washington. I want to look at how governments and their policies affect HIV, in regards to HIV-related stigma and also to prevalence rate. I want to compare Southern Africa to East Africa, since HIV and the effects of HIV are so different in these two regions. If I get funding, I will be researching in East Africa for three months, May/June/July 2009. It would be cool to do some research here, so keep your fingers crossed! Thanks to my mom and Weedman, I think I have a lifetime supply of crystal light packets. In fact, my mom just sent me…wait…let me count them…7 boxes. So, you guys probably don’t need to send me anymore. Ever.However, you could send Kraft Macaroni and Cheese SPIRAL variety. Those are really good. I sure do miss that perfect cheese to SPIRAL ratio. And for the record, sending the original elbow macaroni variety is just teasing me. Original has nothing on SPIRAL. That’s about it for me right now. Things are going really well, I’m happy here, and I am really enjoying my work. I honestly didn’t know if I would ever say those words, but I sure am glad it worked out the way it did.

This is our beach! We stayed about a 15 minute walk (all up stairs) away from the ocean, and we sat on the beach nine out of ten days. It was glorious.

We had this big umbrella at our house that the boys would bring down to the beach every day. So when we weren't swimming, we were either sleeping or sunning (20 min on, 2 hours off). Basically, what you see above...yep...times 10 days.

This is what self-medicating looks like. Corey had pitting edema (wikipedia that one if you have no idea what I'm talking about) which essentially means that she had too much fluid in her body/cells and needed a diuretic to make her better. So. Here we are. Two poor PCVs, on vacation, trying to figure out how to mend this situation so Corey doesn't have to go to Pretoria to seek medical care and thus mess up our whole trip. What do we do? We brainstorm different diuretics. You know, things that make you pee, like coffee...alcohol...alcohol...alcohol. So Corey insists on having grapefuit and vodka for breakfast...and mid-morning snack...and lunch. She then launched into her interpretive dance of both nightshift and Shakira, which I have on tape, but cannot post because it is too large (and hilarious) of a file. But have no fear, I have not exhauseted all options, and someday I will post that beautiful piece of art. (Sorry dude, I have to!! You would too if you were me!!)

Yep, feeding monkeys...again. You will begin to see a theme here. Typical day: get up, eat breakfast, go to beach for 10 hours, come home and feed monkeys, have dinner, proceed with nightly fun activities.

Wisco Kids on NYE! We are missing two in this picture, but a solid representation of 4 is pretty good for being half a world away from ye olde dairy state.

Funny story. And by funny, naturally, I mean scary. Corey and I had to be on a train to Durban at 7:40 am on New Year's Day. Right...you do the math...not much sleep going on over there. So we get up, and all we know is that we need to get off at the fifteenth stop. Do we ask what the stop is called? No. We are more concerned with being alive awake alert and enthusiastic. (That one's for Susie and Craig!) So we get on the train, and duh, of course we both start nodding off. But do we admit to each other that we haven't been paying attention to how many stops have gone by? Of course not! So we think we're at 14, and then the lights on the train flicker like they do in theaters when intermission is over and you have to go back to your seat, and the train waits a little bit longer than all the other stops, and everyone else on the train gets off. And do we get off? Of course not. So we ride it to the next "stop." Yep, the next stop is the rail yard. The train is on automatic at that point, so we jump out out and look around, and this (above picture) is what we saw. No one is around, we are in the middle of Durban (an infamously dangerous city) and we have all this crap luggage with us that clearly identifies us as dumb tourists. Yeahhhhhhh. We had a moment of silence to pray (first of many for this trip) for our lives. We ended up finding a nice man at the rail yard who thought Corey was a boy (hehe) and he told us just to walk to the next street and grab a taxi. Sure enough, we were about 5 blocks away from where we needed to be. We arrived in once piece and made it to Pretoria, whew!

I have just been trucking along since vacation, doing the same ol' same ol', and it was starting to get hard again. I don't want to get into it (it's the same old PC sob story...am I really doing something meaningful...am I actually making a difference...blah blah blah.) BUT THEN--

Last week Thursday I was at the drop-in center, just sitting outside, and our administrator came over to talk to me. Her name is Alucia, and I have established a solid relationship with her since we tackle computer viruses right and left in the office every time I am there. Anyway, she came over and said, "I want to make this bigger." I kind of looked at her like, "Um, what?" And she said, "I want to do more. I want to make this better. I want to have the kids learn and have structure and establish a routine and learn responsibility. I want to make this better, but I can't do it myself. I need your help." It was one of those moments where the light went on, the trumpets sounded from whatever heavens are above, and everything was right.

This is like a Peace Corps dream come true. We all hope to make sustainable change with the organizations in which we work, but sometimes (read: all the time) it is hard to find truly motivated people who you know will continue the work once you leave. I mean really, we are only here 2 years, it is a drop in the bucket to people who live here. If you don't find someone from your host country to take ownership of a project, it probably won't last. So, to have Alucia come up to me with HER idea is really really a dream come true.

The next day, Alucia, Sipho (he is the afterschool program coordinator--he's my age, we get along great, and he's a locally famous "beat maker" so all the kids think he is super cool) and I sat down and brainstormed how we could make this drop-in center more structured and educational for the kids. We planned out some cool projects (I want to do this generational history project...I'll talk about it later, I'm sure) and some fun activities, and want to really get the kids excited to come. If all goes as planned, we are going to have a choir, a library research project, sports and games, homework help, arts and crafts, and of course...jika majika. What?!?!? You don't know what jika majika is?!?! Geez, what's wrong with you people. It's essentially like a dance off. Jika majika is a TV show that is on every Wednesday where a cool beat maker/DJ man (Sipho, in our case) facilitates this big dance off for all these kids. Everyone gets really into it, and EVERYONE loves dancing here--in fact, most of the people I hear talking about jika majika are gogos! (grannies) Oh the gogos just love it. So we want to do that too.

Now...fast forward 1 week. Today we went to the library (the nerdy side of me really wants to get the kids interested in books and teach them how to use a library and how to research stuff for school) and talked to the librarian, Sarah. She said she would actually come out to our drop-in center twice a week and bring books for the kids to read. So naturally, now I'm envisioning a weekly book theme...one week we read books about oceans, next week space, next week HIV, next week Apartheid...you get the picture. Then, at the end of the week, we talk about what we read, i.e. we talk about what we LEARNED! Basically, I'm really excited about all of this. Which, to be honest, kind of scares me because when I get really excited about something here and it doesn't work out, I usually lapse into a low low bad place for a while. But I think this one will work. And I don't want to dull myself and turn 100% cynical, so I'm going to go ahead and be excited. If you don't hear from me for another two months...you'll know what happened. BUT that will NOT be the case this time!

Concluding remarks: Right now...at this exact moment...I am happy. I am honored to be here and am humbled by many people I work with and the things I see. This is a good thing for me.

Above: This was Christmas!! Erin E got up really early and set up this tree and gave us all a santa hat with stuff in it like a stocking. She hung up garland around the kitchen and even had a DVD of a crackling yule log on the TV. She, Mike and Paul made us a fantastic breakfast and we all just hung out. It actually felt like christmas, even though after breakfast we headed straight to the beach!

Above: Wisco kids on New Years! (Kristy, Naylor, Me, Weedman) We are missing a few here, but hey, a solid representation of four goes a long way when you are multiple time zones away from home. And this is just classic of Weeman. Miss you!!

Photo: The beach in Amanzimtoti.

Explanation: About 10 of us (give or take a few each day) rented a house near the beach in Amanzimtoti. It was absolutely what we needed after going through "lockdown"--when PC wouldn't let us travel to see our friends. There was a solid core group of about 5 of us who went to the beach every single day (except 1 when we went to Durban) and we just hung out,

So, this is the same as the email I'm sending out, but just in case some of you anonymous readers aren't on my email list, you can ALSO help me! Please see below...

Now that I’m back from vacation, I’m already looking forward to upcoming events…which brings me to…

THE LONGTOM MARATHON IN MARCH!!!

It's actually a half- and an ultra-marathon, and I plan to participate in the half, which is 21.1 Km. It's happening on March 29 in Sabie, Mpumalanga Province, not too far from Kruger Park. It starts at the top of the Longtom Pass and goes downhill most of the way into Lydenburg. Many Peace Corps volunteers will be taking part, probably over 70 of us, so it's going to be a lot of fun to get together with them for the weekend and run in this beautiful part of the country.

So many of you have been wondering what you can send me or how you can support me, so—here’s your chance!!! (…here is where I ask you for donations…)

The main reason that I am doing this race is to support the KLM foundation. Their website is: www.klm-foundation.org; please check it out. I won't go into all the details of what they do since you can read that on the site, but I'll just say that the organization was founded by two PCVs (Peace Corps volunteers) who served here in South Africa a few years ago. They decided to hook up with the Longtom marathon as a fundraiser; they fund a worthy, needy child to attend an excellent secondary school in Mpumalanga – Uplands College. And, considering that I think that one of the biggest threats to this country is the lack of quality education, it’s REALLY important to send a kid to this great school. The child they choose is very carefully selected, going through a four-tier process of elimination. The four children who have been chosen so far are excelling in all respects.

I hope after reading about KLM you will find yourself as supportive as I am of their work. This is very worthy indeed, and one for which I am asking your support. My goal is to get a gold medal in fundraising and get $700 in donations. I know, a lofty goal, but come on!! If you skip a few cups of Starbucks or a Friday night out, you can just donate that to ME instead! Yep, I know, what a great idea. Anyway, your donation will help me reach that goal. Please give what you can; any amount is appreciated. Even if you can only give $10 or $20, it is much needed. (Of course, larger donations are definitely the way to go! Duh!) And it is tax-deductible. Wow. What a deal!!

How to make a donation: please go to the KLM website, www.klm-foundation.org to make a donation and just click on the 'donate' photo. Make sure to put my name in the white box where it asks for the Longtom person you want to sponsor. The online donation is preferable, but if you need to mail in a check, please make it payable to Kgwale le Mollo (US) and send it to:

Kgwale le Mollo (US)

c/o Bowen Hsu461 So. Bonita Avenue

Pasadena, CA 91107

Make sure to include a note that your donation is in my behalf!!!

Thanks so much for your support of me, and especially for supporting the child who is chosen next year to attend Uplands. I'll let you know how the weekend goes, and how many funds we mighty PCVs collected.

Thanks!!!

Hey! I'm back in South Africa, safe and sound, but pretty bummed that my vacation is over. We had a great time in Amanzimtoti/Uganda/Rwanda, and I will write more about it next week when I have a chance to settle down and process things a bit more--probably going to write a "greatest hits" type of post to keep you from getting bored. I think I just figured out how to post a video, so this blog just got upgraded from "sorta kinda interesting sometimes" to an all out ROCKIN' good time. Some goodies you can expect soon: Abby's first karaoke experience...EVER, big boys getting knocked down by big waves, Rwandan landscapes, and Corey Weedman: Dance Extraordinaire. I mean really...just get excited. That's all I'm going to say for now.

Cultural note: “Eish” is pretty much the same thing as saying, “Oh geez!” or “Man!” or “Sheesh.”

Last week Jacob Zuma (popular campaign slogan being “100% J.Z.) was elected as ANC President. Let’s talk about the election, shall we? Ok here goes…

Background: The African National Congress (ANC) is the party that Nelson Mandela and many other revolutionaries gathered under during apartheid. Therefore when he was elected President in 1994, the ANC was the ruling party. Since ’94, the elections have been “democratic”—in theory. So what happens is the ANC essentially runs a primary and elects a Party President. However, unlike in the US where each party competes against the other party and both have a fair shot at making it, here the ANC Party President is pretty much a shoe-in for President of the country. So basically, the President of South Africa is voted in by a little over 4,000 ANC delegates, instead of all the citizens voting. I mean, yes, they will all vote in 2008, but it is 99.9999999% sure that Zuma will take the Presidency. In fact, everyone, even newscasters, just start reporting and speculating about the future of South Africa under Zuma’s rule.

Issues: In case you haven’t been following the Zuma saga, here’s what’s going on. He has previously had rape charges against him, he is currently under investigation for corruption related to an arms deal, and he also had sex with someone who was HIV+ (without a condom!!!!!) then publicly announced that he will be ok because he took a shower afterward (which, for the record, is NOT the way to treat a possible HIV infection.) So, you can see how I and many other Peace Corps volunteers are slightly petrified to see what kind of HIV legislation, among other things, he puts forth in the next 5 years. However, his opponent, the incumbent Thabo Mbeki, is not much of a better choice when it comes to his views on HIV. He is still rumored to believe that HIV is not the virus that causes AIDS and in fact, AIDS was put here by the American government in order to kill black people. So…clearly we have a long way to go.

The future: I’ve been watching the news and talking to a lot of people here during the past week, and I’m getting more and more nervous for this country. Here are some of the immediate effects/future plans of the Zuma tornado:Interest rates are going upThe Rand is getting weakerPetrol is getting more expensiveElectricity is getting more expensiveFood is getting more expensiveMore white citizens are rumored to be leaving the countryZuma wants 13% of the land redistributed by 2012 (Redistributed from white farmers to black farmers—issue here being that the tensions between the two groups are high, and the white farmers are not educating the black farmers on how to effectively and efficiently work the land, therefore many farms are not producing what they could/should.)

The scariest thing, to me, is that I can see these things first hand. My supervisor quit and moved to Australia to get a better job, there are no qualified social workers to provide the new (and black) social workers with quality hands-on training. Salaries are not buying as much as they were even six months ago. My friend’s supervisor owns a farm and there is a land claim against it—she may not have a home in the next few years. Now, if your mind is wandering like mine is…the future looks really scary! Not to mention that many people are saying South Africa is going to be the next Zimbabwe—I’ve been kind of scoffing at that idea, but now seeing how things are changing, I sometimes wonder.

So, I hate to dampen your Christmas spirit, but I think this whole turn of events deserves some attention.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, I am going on vacation TOMORROW and will be back at the end of January. Needless to say, I am beyond excited. I hope you all have a very merry Christmas, or whatever you may celebrate, and I will think of you while I am getting a rockin’ tan on the beach!

My friend, Matt, had this up on his facebook page, and I LOVE it. Maybe you will too.

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit of a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

-Chris McCandless, Into the Wild

BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUM…this sounds serious! But in all actuality, it is. I, and many other volunteers, have come across this issue and it is just a really interesting thing to think about.

First off, let me explain one thing that will make this easier to understand: CD4 counts.

A CD4 count is a way of measuring the strength of one’s immune system. If you have a high CD4 count your immune system is stronger and therefore better able to fight the virus. If you have a low CD4 count, say under 200, your immune system is weak and it is harder to battle the virus and any other opportunistic infections that come your way. Ok, moving on…

The South African Government offers a selection of social support grants to its citizens. If a person has the right paperwork (which is a huge problem on its own), and a true economic need for themselves or their children, many times the government grants can help. One that is commonly offered is the Disability Grant.

There are many reasons and justifications that one can use to apply for, and receive, a Disability Grant, including a HIV+ status. The requirements of the grant state that if the CD4 count of an HIV+ person is below 200, they are eligible for a Disability Grant. One of the grant’s stipulations, however, is that the patient must be on ARV treatment. (I am 85% sure that is an accurate statement, but not 100%!) So, if you do all of these things and finally get a Disability Grant, you get R870 per month.

Now, this seems like a pretty good deal. However, there is one major problem with this grant and it is causing a ripple effect like no other. Let’s say your CD4 count was 175. You go on ARVs, get your Disability Grant, and are loving life again. Then, because your ARVs are doing their job, your CD4 count goes up to 225. It is now over 200, therefore not meeting the qualifications for the grant, and the grant is taken away. Yowch.

Now let’s talk about the mindset of people here. AIDS isn’t really talked about, and if it is, it’s never made into a very personal subject. People will talk about AIDS in general, but then when the conversation turns on how they are personally protecting themselves and combating the epidemic, people shut down. It is a very, very personal matter. Ok so now let’s talk about money. Money is extremely important to people here. I will write another post about it sometime, because it’s a lot more complex that you would initially think. Anyway, if you are poor and HIV+, you are combating two evils in this country. When your grant gets taken away, you have two options:

Be thankful that your health is getting better and continue taking your ARVs despite the fact that your grant (and therefore income) has been taken away.

Stop taking your ARVs and let your CD4 count drop below 200 again, ensuring that your monthly income will still remain constant.

It seems like my, and many of my friends’ first reaction is, well DUH, keep taking your ARVs!!! But, when you really think about it, it’s not that easy of a decision. Money/income is an immediate need of many people here—if you don’t have money, you can’t feed your family and provide for them, and life is miserable. HIV/AIDS is a need that is not immediate—if you are HIV+ you can go many months, maybe even years, without seeking help and remain fairly healthy. So now you have an option—take the money or take the drugs. Taking the money can immediately improve your life TODAY, whereas taking the drugs can make you live longer in the FUTURE. The consequences of taking the money is that you may live a shorter life, but the consequences of taking the drugs is that you may live a longer life but still with no money. You’d be poor for longer. Once you put yourself in this situation, you can begin to understand the issue: people are taking the money, not the drugs.

This is clearly an issue for personal health and well-being reasons, but it also has a larger effect. The thing with ARVs and HIV is that once you are on medicine, you must adhere to that drug regimen indefinitely. You must take your 8 million pills a day, every day, for the rest of your life. Now, if you start ARVs and then decide to stop them so that you can continue to get the Disability Grant, your body starts to build up a resistance to those drugs. Then, if maybe 1 or 2 years later the patient wants to go back on drugs to strengthen themselves, their body has already build up a resistance and the drugs become ineffective. In a well-funded country (or if you have medical aid) you would then start second line drugs that have been developed to attack resistant strands of HIV. However, in public hospitals here, it is usually the case that only first line drugs are available. Now, you can see how the economically disadvantaged get hit—they take the grant money and stop ARV treatment, and therefore eliminate their chances of seeking effective treatment in the future.

Now, I have this concept in my head but I can’t seem to find the literature to back it up. (I’ve been looking through my stuff for the last 20 minutes!) So I think Abby or any of the other Pharm girls can maybe help a sista out and let me know if this is true. I think that the situation gets worse if a person who has developed a drug resistant form of HIV decides to spread the disease, either intentionally or unintentionally. The people who are now infected with this resistant strand are automatically resistant to first line drugs and therefore need to start on second line drugs. The bad part about that, then, is that these people, even if they wanted to start and remain on ARVs indefinitely, do not have this option and unless they have money, do not have access to the drugs they need to prolong their life. Anyway, let me know if this is accurate—I can’t seem to find a source on it.

So now you can start to understand how difficult and complicated things can get, even if the original intention of something was good. There are a few other issues that I’m still battling with in my head (corruption, personal economic status, government intervention) but I will save those ever-uplifting topics for another day once I start to figure things out a little better.

A few weeks ago our Country Director, Gene, (Hi Gene! Sometimes he reads our blogs…) sent out a November newsletter to all PCVs in South Africa. It contained normal stuff: medical advice, important events, reminders, etc. But, at the very end, he attached something that a PCV in Swaziland had written. It was called “25 Things Every PCV Should Know” or “25 Lessons I have Learned” or something like that. I read through it and was almost laughing because it was just so accurate. But the funny thing is, something this woman had written really struck a chord with me, and has actually been instrumental in my turn towards optimism and excitement that has happened recently. (I know…thank GOD.)

She wrote: Keep many irons in the fire.

Now, I know this seems fairly obvious to most of you. And honestly, it should have seemed obvious to me as well. At home I was pretty used to having school plus random clubs, random jobs, random sports, and random friends. But, every part of my “normal” life at home went out the window when I moved here, and I kind of forgot fundamental concepts like, “If you’re not busy enough, make yourself busy.” We’ve been taught over and over to be careful, conscientious, culturally sensitive, and most of all, to WAIT and not take initiative because we should be learning/observing at this point. But, what comes with that, is this total lack of fulfillment and worth, because while you’re so busy being culturally sensitive and conscientious and observant, you forget to actually do anything.

So after I had this big realization, I decided to spend a week getting to know people. I sort of just threw myself out there. Most days I didn’t really know what I was going to do or who I was going to meet—but I went out anyway, and I think that is the most important thing I have done in the past 5 months!! What ended up happening was that each person I would talk to would refer me to one more person, and that person would refer me to one more person, and pretty soon I had a big list of people and organizations that were working with HIV in and around Barberton. So then I took that list and would make calls and go visit different places, and pretty soon I had a good understanding of what organizations and people were legitimate and reputable, which gave me a good idea of who I should think about working with. To make a long story short, I now have about 4 other projects outside of CMR that I am going to try and develop. I know it seems like a lot, but I think most likely one or more of those 4 will not work out, so we’ll just see what happens.

The best thing that I found (and the thing that keeps me going and keeps me positive) is a place called Thandanani Home Based Care. This Care Center serves 3 purposes:

1. volunteers go out and provide health care services to those living with HIV/AIDS and TB who are at home and still need care,

2. the Care Center has a feeding scheme every weekday where they cook for orphans, vulnerable children, and HIV/AIDS/TB patients, and

3. the Center itself is a place where the kids come to hang out and play—after they eat, the kids essentially stay for an “after school program” of sorts.

I sat down with the woman who runs this organization, Mrs. Makoko, and after talking with her, we decided that I would help out at the management and administrative level, helping her do things like updating the business plan and constitution, financial management, and grant proposals. I also offered to help them cook some meals and help in the garden, so we’ll see what happens. I have only been there a few times but I feel like I’ve done more with the Care Center in those few times than with CMR as a whole in the past 3 months.

I know some of you have asked if I am leaving CMR, and honestly, I’m not quite ready to leave yet. CMR has its issues, as do most organizations, and it moves painstakingly slow, but it is still moving. We have had another huge staff turnover and are now left with a fairly stable but very inexperienced team of 4, including myself. There is a small window where I am useful, and although it is very small, it is still something that I can hang on to. So, until that window closes, I will stay with CMR and see how things go. It is much easier for me to stay now that I have other things to work on, so I think that helps a lot.

Anyway, the moral of the story, again, is that I can’t dismiss every way that I used to live my life at home. I was very busy at home and that is what made me happy, so that is something I need to do here as well. Since this huge revelation (which may not seem huge to you but it sure as heck was to me!) I feel like I am back to my normal self and therefore much more useful to those around me. Whew! Glad that’s settled.

So, if you didn't know already, my sister is pregnant! I think she is about 11 weeks now. She always seems to be pregnant when I run off to Africa. Go figure. Anyway, this is good news, and when you see her don't look at her like she's fat...she's PREGNANT! Sheesh.