“Preparing for the Red Hat Luncheon”   Sister insisted: Tease your hair up and by all means wear purple this time   I kept my hair down and wore red   Only my panties were purple (pronounced pay’-yen-tees): I live a ‘felt’ life, as Henry James so eloquently puts it   If I said, “James, choose: Sister or me,” James would say “Me,” because he has wit.   And if following up Sister said: “James, choose: [...]

I’ve been waiting to see a proper pig slaughtering for a good three months, since I first heard how it’s really done. First, you shave the skin. Latin American societies do not, my previous host father tells me over dinner, under any circumstances, shave their pigs before they slaughter them. I don’t ask how he [...]

This is Balzacian territory. The truth of this statement hit me once when I was standing in a bazaar waiting to purchase a NY hoodie (wrong colors, faulty zipper, but hey). His obnoxiously French ghost must have swooped in behind me and tickled me under the armpits. At least something goaded me on to push [...]

The children of 7B are no longer known by such names as Sasha, Oksana, or little Dima. It is a source of pure glee almost as inexhaustible as the swaying HUGO BOSS bags or the half nude, half smiling Hallie Berrie who greets me each morning on my way to school struggling to get out [...]

 Taken from page 23 of How To Hang An Elephant: Well, clearly, the good citizens of Kingsport had found themselves a gun that they believed could do the job. Sparks’ dark thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. Who was that–the sheriff? “Come in,” Sparks said nervously. The door opened and in walked publicist [...]

  Sorry for the late post, fellow Snouts. I hope you haven’t lost all faith in me. It’s taken a while to get pictures developed, and I’ve been lazy. But I think you’ll find it all worth your time. All of this is 100% true, although I don’t expect you to believe me. I hardly believe [...]

Dear Snouts, So far I’ve been through five states: Tennessee, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina, and North Carolina. I’ve seen a small chunk of the Appalachians and right now I’m in Erwin, TN, which, although it may not sound glorious, is probably one of the last surviving small towns. It’s located right in the center of [...]

Dear Snouts, That’s scary enough. Just before visiting Andalusia. As you can tell, I was Ready-2-Go. So far I’ve been relatively unsuccessful in my attempt to gather a collection of snouts. The few people I’ve asked have declined. I got Amber’s snout only after a pathetic plea, after which she indignantly turned her head to the side [...]