September 19, 2004

I guess I have been busy lately, I haven’t written in a while.

I can’t say all that I have been doing the last three weeks...I mean I can’t recall exactly. I went to Rabat one weekend and Errachidia the next weekend, but stayed home this weekend. Rabat was great, I got to see A., a fellow volunteer that I feel very close to but don’t get to see very often because she is assigned to a site in a different province, and so might as well be assigned to a site in upstate NY as far as my chances to visit her go. I hate ‘safety and security’! (Safety and security rules are so strict that I have to take a vacation day if I want to go anyway but the next town over). I didn’t know I was going to see A.; she was in Rabat because a mosquito bite had turned into a huge skin infection, which, after draining and cleaning, was now a skin hole (it will go away eventually, but I saw it, it was disgusting). The medical officer’s advice to her, and all PCVs, to prevent such skin infections: wash your entire body everyday. Apparently PCVs often adopt the showing habits of their host country friends, and therefore are just as prone to skin infections as they are. But it is hard, bucket baths are a pain in the ass, and you get cold, standing there, wet, pouring cups of water on yourself, even if you have heated the water in the bucket. I admit it, nowadays I do the full body wash only once a week (hands, face, hair and armpits require more frequent washing though).

It was funny, right before I went to Rabat I had this overwhelming need for a hug, and I didn’t think I would be getting one anytime soon, but then A. popped up! She gives great hugs. We stayed up until 3 or 4 in the morning talking. It was WONDERFUL.

Errachidia was fun too. Got to catch up with all the other PCVs in my province, which is always good. I spent a lot of time on the computer, but none of it was writing the e-mail messages I wanted to write, it was all writing my first site report, writing the minutes for my meetings etc (one in Rabat, one in Errachidia).

I got a great package from my mother! I was so happy. My mom is usually not so great at things like packages and letters. She talked about sending me a care package in college for four years, but never did it. That wasn’t such a horrible thing though, since I was only an hour’s drive away, it was just that she meant to do it for so long and never did. I assumed that something similar might happen while I was in the Peace Corps, but I have only been at my site for 3 months and have already received 8 packages!

This makes me sad, actually. It tells me that my mother really misses me.

Actually, the package from my mom and the package from my friend M. were both total psychic moments, it was actually really weird. With my mom, I had asked for a sun shower, but she included a pair of really cool, comfortable shoes (Saucony Jazz – another PCV commented that that was a good shoe), and here I was about to buy a pair of shoes literally two days later. (It turned out that she mistakenly sent an inflatable hanging shower stall instead of the sun shower, which we both thought was really funny). It was like I asked the universe for something and received it in the mail a few days later. The same thing with my friend M. A few days before, I had found out that David Sedaris (If I could have one lunch with anyone I wished, it would be with David Sedaris) had put out a new book. I asked my mom and a friend to send the book to me for my birthday, and then received it in the mail a few days later from M. I hadn’t even asked her to send it; she just knew I would want it. Isn’t that wonderful? AND psychic?

I have been more lonely and depressed lately. I don’t exactly want to go home; I like it here, I just don’t have any friends or family here (in my site). I mean I have friends but they are from a very different culture and speak a different language, so I am obviously not as close to them, don’t feel as comfortable around them. And in generally my conversations are simple and take a lot of effort, since I STILL can’t speak the language here. The Peace Corps should not send people here that don’t speak French; everyone here speaks French. It was irresponsible of them, I don’t know why they did it.

In fact, I have spent this entire weekend holed up in my house, just because I needed a break from the constant language struggle that is my life. Also I needed to clean my kitchen and wash my clothes.

Ach! I should stop journal and go practice verbs some more......

if you are ever in an arabic speaking country, here are a few tips, so you can avoid a sticky situation (actually I don't know if it would apply outside of the country I am in, but it is pretty funny all the same, at least, I think it is) I am not making these up, BTW:

A common way of saying thanks is "llay yrHm iwaldin" which means "God bless your parents," (the big H indicates a more breathy h).

but be careful, because while yrHm means bless, yHrm means harm, and so "llay yHrm iwaldin" means "may god harm your parents"

and while iwaldin means parents, iwldan means testicles, so don't accidently say "llay yrHm iwldan" or else they might think you are interested in getting a little frisky.

and of course don't say "llay yHrm iwldan" or they might get really pissed.

More ranting about the PC (Peace Corps). Ok, I have to say that I am still very happy where I am, aside from the homesickness, which is just part of it, I'm sure. I also have to say that I wouldn't be here if not for the PC, I have received a lot of good training and support, not to mention money for living here, from the PC.

Having said that, just because I work for a company or volunteer for an organization doesn't mean that they should be able to have complete control over my movements, nor dictate where I live, nor threaten to fire me if I step out of line just one time, despite whatever explanation I might have. I am human and as such I need room to live my life and make mistakes. That is what supporting me is all about, and support is what I should be getting from the PC in order to maximize my impact and enjoyment here. Instead of supporting me, the PC is seeking to control me.

This particular rant is of course coming from a specific thing which happened: I didn't get to move into the house I wanted. So yes, to a certain extent I am whining. Mostly, though, I am complaining not so much that I didn't get what I want, but rather that I didn't get what I want for very very stupid reasons.

See, I found two houses for rent. One had a big backyard, with a big garden where I could grow vegetables and raise chickens, which already had three fruit trees in it. This house is made out of thatch and rock, which is much cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter than houses made of cement (the house the PC forced me to move into is made of cement). This house, the nice house, is it's own separate structure, which is nice for privacy reasons.

The other house I found, the PC made me move into. It is hot, not its own structure (third floor), and has no yard at all. It is also twice as much money as the nice house, and probably twice as much as anyone else in the town is paying, because it is very sheeky, ie, tile floors, wiring inside of the walls instead of outside, freshly painted, faucet at the sink etc. I mean it is more comfortable and prettier than the nice house, but I say the first house is nicer cuz I liked it better.

See, if I am supposed to be integrating into the community, it hurts this effort to live above all of my neighbors and have a relatively expensive apartment. The first time someone from my town asked me for money was when they found out where I will be living.

And the reason why they forced me to move into my current apartment? In a town which only has electricity from a generator for a few hours every night, they wanted me to have street lighting. The apartment they forced me into is above a little store, which has a single bulb above it, but otherwise there are NO STREETLIGHTS in my town. Of course not, there is not electricity; they are not hooked up to the grid.

The other reason they gave was that because there was a 7 foot stone wall around the backyard of the nice house, and this is not a joke, they said that someone could either climb over the wall or crash through the wall with a truck and get to me. WHAT? If someone wants to get me that bad, fucking hell, god forbid, but they will get me. My surest way to safety is to integrate as much as possible with my neighbors; that is how people stay safe out in the countryside, they look out for each other (not that there is any crime out there anyway). And as I said before, living in an apartment that none of my neighbors can afford, especially since already I am automatically stamped as well-off due to my US citizenship, really hurts that effort. I mean I AM priveledged as a US citizen, but the idea here, I think, is to de-emphasize this, not emphasize it by forcing me to rent an expensive apartment.

Alright, I feel much better now.

Another PCV (Peace Corps Volunteer) sent this to every volunteer currently serving in my host country. I can say with confidence that it accurately represents what pretty much every volunteer here thinks about the PC (Peace Corps) program here. It makes me sad, really. I heard that the policies being put in place here are sort of a pilot program that they are testing out before implementing them in the PC world wide; I really hope that isn't true, I don't think the PC would survive. The PC already has a HUGE drop out rate. World-wide implementation of these sort of policies would drastically increase it, I think.

I still love it here, but I don't love it because of the Peace Corps, I love it in spite of the Peace Corps. Which I think is sad.

Anyway, here is the e-mail (edited for privacy) B.C. are the initials of our Country Director for the PC program here:

+++++++++++++

I do not like B.C. Notice, however, that I did not write that I hate B.C. It's impossible to hate someone or something that you can never know. No volunteer in (our host country) can know B.C. anymore than they could know a cinderblock, or a watermellon, perhaps. You might be familiar with the properties of said objects, but not the true self or nature of them. Mainly because they lack a personality, just like B.C.

Anyone who has ever talked to B.C. will have an expericience akin to reading the Policies and Procedures HandBook. It mau be illuminating, but definitely not fun. Not fun at all. I'm (we?) not asking BC to wear funny shoes and throw pies in our faces. What I am asking B to do is act like a human being, not a Peace Corps robot that is powered by paperwork and fueled by professionalism. Just act like a boss. One that keeps everyone's interests in mind, not just his own and Washington's.

What B.C. doesnt realize is that we are all VOLUNTEERS. We weren't given a dose of chloroform and woke up on a plane bound to (here); we all choose to be here. We ARE Peace Corps (insert name of our host country here). We shouldnt have to work around a system, we should be the system.

Unfortunately, this is not the case. Why are we greeted with suspicion from BJC? I'll tell you why: B.C. is not looking out for us, he is looking to keep policies intact and functioning. However, being a volunteer is a messy, often dirty business. BJC knows this, yet insists on sanitizing our experiences, despite the knowledge that it is almost an imposible task to do that.

How does he try and sanitize Peace Corps? Through Fear. Fear that if we do what we want, (spend two days in B. (a city), oh no!) we will be force to abandon what many of us have worked so hard and given sacrificed so much for. Well, it isnt going to stop me. Here is my middle finger, and everyone knows who Im pointing it to.

BJC, volunteers are people, not cogs in the system of safety and security. Recognize this. If you do so, Ill recognize that youre the captain of this ship. If not, youll see more men, women, children, and rats abandon this ship before you can drown them with your condescension and narrow focus.

Johnny PCV

+++++++++++++

I am thinking about posting this on a group journal for PC people (present and future PCVs) but I am afraid to, both because I don't want to scare people and because I have already posted a lot of negative stuff on that journal and I don't like putting so much negative energy into one space.

Alright, some announcements (I am just going to pretend that there are more than 2 people reading this, if even that, cuz I want to):

I have been grappling lately with how much information to give out in this journal. I have decided that I will keep my profile and certain entries limited to my friends list, basically any entries that might give away my identity or other sensitive information. But I think it is ok to tell people that I am in the Peace Corps, I just don't want to say what country (in this journal).

The reason I say all of this is that I would appreciate if readers of this journal help me to censor. If I screw up and post publicly something about my love life, or inadvertently give away my identity, please let me know, so that I can fix it.

Also, I just found out recently that my computer works in my town! We only have electricity for a few hours at night (there is a generator for the whole town), and my battery only lasts for an hour after that, but still, hopefully that will be enough for me to journal on my computer with some regularity and then post when I come into town and go to an internet cafe. I hope this means I have more posts in the future, I know I have been neglecting this journal lately; I haven't even started it yet really. But this will change!

I happen to know that very few people read this journal, and that the ones who do don't have money to give BUT what you all can do is spread the word; please cut and paste this posting into your journal and ask all your friends to do the same. I would really appreciate it. BTW, I am not affiliated with the person who did this posting, but I am part of a group journal for PCVs, which is where I found it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hi all,

My name is Amanda Greep and I am currently serving as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Sibiu, Romania. I am posting today in regards to a summer project I and three other volunteers are doing.

We will be conducting a summer camp the first week of August. Girls Leading Our World (GLOW) camps are designed to improve girls' leadership skills and self-esteem. We have invited 24 girls to attend our camp and they are all very excited!

Due to the poor economic conditions in Romania, we decided to provide our camp free of charge to all participants so that we are able to bring the most qualified girls regardless of their personal financial situation.

Therefore, in order to fully fund our camp and make it a success we are seeking donations through the Peace Corps Partnership Program. At this point we are really coming down to the wire (our camp starts in approximately 3 weeks) and are frantically trying to fulfill our financial goals in time.

If you are interested in donating to this project, or would like to read more about the camp's goals and planned activities, please follow this link http://www.peacecorps.gov/index.cfm?shell=resources.donors.projdetail&projdesc=403-085

All donations, no matter how small, would be greatly appreciated as it helps push us closer toward our goal! If you have any questions, do not hesitate to email me at ajgreep at yahoo dot com.

Thank you,

Amanda Greep

Peace Corps Volunteer

Romania 2003-2005

This update was sent over e-mail a while ago; I am posting it because I think it should have been a journal entry. I sent it out on Sunday March 21st.

Hey everyone,

So far things have been a roller coaster ride.

38 volunteers converged on Philedelphia from all over the country. Two pairs of married couples, two people from California, two from Michigan and otherwise everyone else was from a different state. Two days of training in Philly, then on to (the country I am in). We had 4 days of training there, in a hotel, then we were split up into two groups, and sent to two different rural "seminar" sites. After a week of training there, sleeping in two giant rooms, one for boys and one for girls (it was really just like summer camp) we were split up again, this time into groups of four or five, and sent to our "Community Based Training" site.

Now I live with a family who speaks only (the local language). A., T., N., M., M. and S. are all the nicest people ever. They live in a stone house with earth floors (remember to take your shoes off before stepping onto their rug though), a small cozy kitchen, a store room, an outhouse room and two other rooms, one of them mine, for now. T., the mother, has tatoos on her face, stripes and stars dividing her chin and eyebrows, as is customary with (the local people). When I arrived, a three minite walk up a hill from a paved road, she took me by the hand and showed me my room and the bathroom saying welcome welcome the whole time. She had placed a single pillow on a long wooden bench outside of the house, where she made me sit as she serve me tea and bread, with jam and olive oil mixed with honey for dipping. I am sure that they are sleeping in the kitchen while I stay in one of the rooms. I have never experienced such hospitality before.

The training site I am assigned to is called A.. I walk 40 minutes into town each day for my language lessons, but have dinner and breakfast with my host family. The town is very poor and very rural. Not all of (this country) is this poor, (C. was very cosmopolitan) but the south, where

I am, is very poor. There is electricity and running, treated water, in the town of A., but most people in that area are farmers that live outside of town and don't have such services, including my host family.

But the area is breathtakingly beautiful. It is up in the mountains, and there are snow capped peaks not far in the distance. Most of the area is relatively dry, but there is a river that runs through town that is the life support of the region.

If you want to see pictures, one of the volunteers at my CBT site brought his lap top and a digital camera. His web address is:

(omitted)

The pictures I have seen so far are very good.

Training has been hard and I have been much more homesick than I anticipated. But everything is still very exciting and interesting. I think that the best is yet to come.

More later, I am late to meet everyone for lunch.

I miss you all.

oh, and I don't have L., T. or C.' e-mail with me, I don't know what I did with them. Could one of you forward this e-mail to them and ask them to write me with their e-mail address and their regular mail address as well. Thanks.

Love (me)

"Nothing could be counted on in a world where even when you were a solution you were a problem. 'Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof,' and nobody needed more." Toni Morrison in "Beloved"

Hopefully I keep this up. I think it would be really good for me to do this. I will only have internet access 2 times per month, probably, but that should be enough, right?

BTW right now this journal is basically just for 2 of my friends, M. and B. (I don't know if it is rude to type your full names here or not, so I won't) since no one else knows about it. But maybe one day the gods of linky love (I just learned that term because I am reading the Blog of Salam Pax - I have such a crush on him you wouldn't believe)will smile on me and I will have many more livejournal buddies. I just wanted to shout out to both of you. I love you and miss you both very much.

Well, I haven't written in this journal for 6 months. In that time I have entered the Peace Corps and moved to (my country of service). The first three months were in training. The last month I have been at my assigned site, and on July 1st, insha'allah (god willing) I will move into my own place.

I wish I had been keeping up on this journal this whole time. oh, hold on a sec I'll be right back....

This website made me soooo happy!

It gives me hope.

http://www.bushin30seconds.org/

A boy, I think 11 or 12 years old, apparently came into the treatment plant today and got a tour from my supervisor. I only found out about this after the tour, when my supervisor came in to tell me about it. He wanted to do a science project on water quality at different sites around the peninsula, because he is a windsurfer and cares about the environment. Which are all such cool things.

Unfortunately my supervisor doesn't know what she is talking about, especially when it comes to her job. Her recap of what (mis)information she gave to the boy and his mom made my eye twitch.

But I couldn't do anything about it. I just had to tell myself, "I no longer work here. I no longer work here. Friday will be my last day."

This guy is amazing! I wonder how people become someone like that. What am I doing wrong? Check out this guys blog, he sounds like a cool guy

http://justinalexander.net/

He started this organization:

http://www.jubileeiraq.org

And guess what: he's 25 (the same age as me).

I honestly don't know if I should be depressed or inspired.

Why am I so sleepy today? I can't shake it off. The coffee is totally affecting my stomach. And I don't drink half as much coffee as some people I know. I always have this weird feeling that it is environmental, that their are chemicals out there slowly degrading our health. Different chemicals that behave differenly in concert than in isolation (since toxicology tests only test one toxicant at a time), chemicals that don't cause cancer in rats at present ambient levels, they just make them lethargic and stupid.

Typical American, blame everything and everyone except yourself.

Although I do think that environmental pollution has lowered IQs in somecases - just look at the mid-west.

This seems a fitting first entry, especially because it requires some background.

I don't get along with my supervisor. I mean, right now we seem to be getting along ok, but I know this to be superficial.

I talked to my father a week ago. He called at 8:00am on Saturday morning and asked how I was. I told him I was fine, that I was still going to the Peace Corps, that I was happy to be quitting my job. I told him that I didn't get along with my supervisor.

That made him laugh, he said, "really, well that seems to run in the family."

I told him it came from his side, but he just laughed again.

After my parents divorced, there was one night when my father locked himself in his room. He had never done that before, and it worried me and my little sister. We could hear him, crying loudly, but even when he heard us knocking he never opened the door, not until the next morning. I have never seen my father cry.

My mother cries at the drop of a pin. She always worked long hours, and always told me and my little sister that she couldn't get home earlier because she needed to help people. She threw herself into everything, and never hesitated to express her emotions. Her emotions have always been her truth, simple and strong.

My father always laughed when he found out that my mother didn't get along with a co-worker or friend.

I realized today that she could never close her door, the way my father did. But right now I prefer a superficial peace to an open, honest war. I can't know which one of my parents was right. Can you tell me?