Hello World, I feel like you have been left out of the loop... and for that I am sorry. Truth is, I have gained a new direction since we have last talked. Not necessarily a new direction as much as heading or route to my destination. Switched modes, settings, cities. Shocking I know but who really wants to write a Graduate Thesis? I am going to spare you the details because if you really care you already know or can find out pretty easily.
I work for the Red Cross. Since August I have... moved in with total strangers, voluntarily taken a job in an office where I am the only full time male staff member, fought a hurricane (Irene), taught 4 year old kids, taught mentally handicapped adults, taught retirees, seen 3 houses burn and 3 homeowners cry, met countless outstanding people and one truly amazing woman in the process (Mom look what your little boy has accomplished!). If you asked me what the most memorable part has been, I would say meeting this girl Laura. And I don't think that answer would change any time soon. I am not sure where I am going with this post because it is a little spur of the moment, a realization that I haven't done this in forever and I truly enjoy it. Laura reminded me. This girl, who I am happy to call my girlfriend, inspires me to be a better, more genuine person. Laura and I met in early October and how we met will be for another post but that is beside the point. The important thing is that we met. The few weeks since I have met her have been infinitely better than my time here before. I have to many compliments to list about Laura and I don't think anyone wants to hear about what we read when we are at Barnes and Noble together. As per the blog title, Laura has real skills in the kitchen so I am eating some of her amazing cookies right before bed. This girl has been a blessing for me personally and I hope she has some ok things to say about me too. ...Story time... At work my co-workers and I have a good time. We make fun of everyone in the office and you definitely have to roll with the punches. My boss is very good at punching, both throwing and taking. However she does not have the largest vocabulary and she sometimes doesn't understand words that are being used which makes her an easy target. I find this HILARIOUS since I am becoming a pretty good judge of the extent of her vocabulary. Playing Apples to Apples was pretty entertaining. If you don't know, you get read a word on a card out loud. This is typically an adjective or adverb and there are 3 other synonyms listed for people such as my boss or younger children. If I could remember the word specifically it might be a funnier story. I hear this one particular word and instantly look over to my boss to read her face. I know she has no clue what that word is and as the judge reads the other 3 words I burst out laughing, knowing that she has no clue what any of those 4 words mean. Ages 8+..... ok if you say so. Needless to say she didn't win but came surprisingly close to beating me. Another story involves a staff meeting and a random discussion about cooking. One of the other ladies in the office was talking about making something with lentils. I was sitting across the room from my boss and, once again, noticed a puzzled look on her face after the word lentils was used. I wasn't the only one to notice this look and the whole room busted out in laughter. People begin making fun of my boss and another woman claims that they were just being facetious (thank you spell check). My boss also has no clue what this means and that sends us into another 5 minutes of non stop laughter. I explained to her that lentils are beans and facetious is another word for sarcastic. She takes this as me being snotty and she now calls me a sarcastic bean whenever I say something cocky. All this being said, I am really happy with where I am, what I am doing and who I am with. I cant wait to catch up with some hometown friends and family over this thanksgiving weekend.
I bite my finger nails. I used to bite them constantly, always chewing them down or picking at them when they were to short to bite. Its a tough habit to break. I was forced to when I lived in Tanzania because if I bit my fingernails it would probably, and almost certainly did, get me sick. I carried nail clippers with me almost all the time over there so when I got bored I could just clip them and throw them on the floor. I cant do that here. Although chewing on my fingernails here wont get me sick with a bacteria and put me bedridden for a week, it is a habit that I would like to break.
I finally made a conscious effort to stop biting my nails about a month or so ago. Its tough to do especially because of the things, or rather times, that make me bite my fingernails. It seems to be both a bored habit and a nervous habit. I bite my nails most often when watching tv. My hands are idle and I am just sitting relaxing with nothing else to do. So I bite my fingers ferociously. I am also a fan of one of the best/most hated college basketball programs in the country. I watch nearly every Duke Blue Devil basketball game I can. If I dont watch it live I try to catch the replay online or at least analyze the box score. Good thing they win a lot because when they are losing, my urges to bite my fingers are at its worst. I have had a couple of bad days in the last couple weeks watching them lose. My fingers bare the brunt of that damage. The other instance when I bite off my finger nails is when I am sitting in class. Something about sitting staring at a computer screen or at a 70 slide powerpoint makes my mind numb. So naturally I give my self something to do by carefully checking my fingernails to see if there is any part that can be chewed off. Occasionally, there is nothing extra so I bite off a piece that causes my fingers to bleed. Yes it WAS that bad. Turns out, If you actually want to halt a hard to break habit it can be done. Now instead of biting my fingernails in class I pick at them slowly and chew gum. I also write and highlight excessively. If I feel the urge to bite my fingernails I pick at them or go up and grab a clippers so there is nothing to bite. I do bite them every once in a while but I keep it short. Having fingernails again is weird. I actually dont remember when this habit started or what having fingernails actually feels like. So I hope I can check the fingernail biting habit off the list and move on to the next bad habit to break.
I have been having one of those days.. make that 5 days. I have a long list of things to do: taxes, going to the bank, fixing my car, getting my hair cut, letters of intent, talking to profs, making calls to people all over campus.. im applying for the Masters program in Geography so I THOUGHT I had a bunch of shit to do with little time to accomplish it. Last sunday, i woke up early after working til 5 the night before. And early for me is noon so I eat breakfast quick so I can get lunch before 2. After deciding what is most important on my list I head over to my parents house to make some copies and print some paperwork so I can start checking things off my list. I get all my paperwork done for taxes and get half of what I need to get to Professors ready to go. But the clock is ticking and I grab a bit of food before going home to chill a bit before work. Another close shift and Sunday has vanished before I get anything crossed off my list.
Thats ok, Monday has potential. I have 3 or 4 hours to run up to campus and finish off the Masters paperwork. Good plan... up until I sleep til 2 and have to work at 430. No time for campus so I just skip monday as far as productivity goes. Tuesday rolls around and laundry calls so that kills a good two hours before I have class. So by noon Im up to campus for 5 hours. By the time I get done with listening to 4 hours of lecture all I want to do is eat. After eating I realize I have actually gotten nothing accomplished all week. I have been acting like making a few edits on my tax forms would take hours but it literally takes 5 minutes but cant manage to get anything else done. I had to work close so I took a nap and called that good enough for today. Work 10 to 4AM. Things are actually going to be accomplished... tomorrow. Wednesday. My day off from work and school. I set my alarm for 12 noon and by 130 I am at the bank making a much needed deposit and the Post office to send some mail that has been sitting at my desk for a week. I go up to campus to meet with a couple profs but when I get there, I find out that I had read the office hours incorrectly and neither of the professors are there. I make good use of my time by actually printing off the rest of paperwork. But that is boring so I go home to get some quick food, and in another hour I am playing racquetball and an hour after that on to Volleyball. Wednesday. Nice work, almost. Thursday. Class at 1. But my car needs to get fixed before that and the only computer time available before that is 8-10. So because my sweet major uses really awesome computer programs, we only have 1 computer lab on campus that will actually work. Which means we GIS students are at the mercy of the schedule. So a day after I go to sleep at 5 AM because of work, I get to wake up at 7 AM because of school. Dont worry my efficiency is beginning to rise and my list is shorter. I finish my schoolwork in an hour and I actually get a nap in before dropping my car off and heading to campus. Thursday is lab day in class so I am free to wander around the Geography Department talking to people I should have talked to week ago. But its OK I have all the paperwork and its in their hands now. I walk in and talk to Carol, the Geography Secretary, and she informs me that there was some confusion about my application... REeeallly long story but I didnt actually need to apply to the program because I apparently already did. So all of the running around I had been doing, the copying of paperwork, the letter of intent, the meetings with professors was a complete waste of time and energy. I couldnt believe it but was actually relieved that I could check everything off my list, completed or not. My list on sunday was comprised of about 10 things and now is finally finished. Total time occupied by checking things off that turned out to be irrelevant about 10 hours. Total time spent checking off the rest... about 3 hours, if you count laundry which took 2.5. Procrastination... On sunday it didnt bother me, time was no big deal. Monday was a wash because I didnt care. Tuesday I made some progress but once again got nothing checked off. Wednesday got some things done but still couldnt finish. Thursday all ready to check everything off then figure out most of it was just stressful and time consuming. So a lesson learned? Hardly. One week done, next week is midterms so as true to college student form, more procrastination. Because with everything checked off my list, the only thing on my mind is a bottle of wine and what time I have to set my alarm for tomorrow. I will worry about whatever later because if I really wanted to stress out well... I wouldnt have to look to far ahead.
Generally most of my time is spent watching. Computer screens, tvs, people. Whatever needs my attention. And now with the NFL and college football seasons starting I watch quite a bit more. Both of my classes require quite a bit of time on the computer and our lectures mainly take place as we sit in front of computer screens.
Last thursday I had my GPS class. After watching our prof. painfully go through a powerpoint that took over an hour, we got to lab time. This is only our second week of lab so we are still figuring out the GPS receivers that we are using. For this lab we were suppose to go out and collect some points around campus. We needed to collect multiple points at three different locations but with time in between. (If that doesnt make sense dont worry, half of our class did it wrong because our TA didnt explain it) Either way I am lab partners with the weird kid who kind of smells funny. So i get to walk around campus for an hour and a half making small talk with this kid. Awkward. I handed him the GPS so he could do all the work. This enabled me to do some quality people watching. I realized how much I missed being on a college campus wasting time. So lets delve into what I noticed last thursday afternoon. There are plenty of weird looking college students. Lots of individual spirits. People who dont care how they look or what other people think of them and people who care to much about their image. The clothes dont interest me as much as the facial expressions. Every expression imaginable is seen in between classes out by the fountain or in the cafeteria. I just wonder what thoughts are provoking this enthusiastic look? Are you really having that good of a day? Or does a D on a test really cause you to look like you want to cause the sandwich lady bodily harm? Most people you see are walking somewhere, on their way to class or to get some food. People watching in class is a different situation and a potentially dangerous and creepy one. I walk alone almost exclusively, except for our GPS lab adventure. Other people walk in groups, with friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, teammates whatever. One of my favorites is the group that is to big to avoid in the hallway and that is nearly impenetrable. These people have seemingly come from the same place and are all going to the same class. If you get stuck behind them you are in danger of being associated with them, and eyes could be rolled in your direction. People also multitask constantly. I listen to my ipod. A very popular choice. Others choose to talk on their phones which I find weird because anyone can overhear your conversation as you walk. Walking and talking is not as disruptive as walking and texting though. Texting diverts your eyes and you better hope you can walk in a straight line and you know where you are going otherwise you can be in trouble. Its not like the sidewalks are empty on campus. There are people everywhere, many texting and not looking ahead like you. Bikers cruise around people and longboarders who dont have much control because they obviously just picked up on the fad try to avoid people as well. So these people who text either are overly cautious, walk slow and stop to look up every once in a while, or just dont care and get in other peoples way. Funny either way. My thoughts are drifting though as I try and watch football and think about people watching at the same time. So as important as listening, talking, interacting, reading and all of that is my favorite still might be watching. You can get a lot of information from watching people, fabricated or real. You decide.
So apparently there are a lot of new things with me. Thats just what people tell me. It all kind of seems the same to me. Dont get me wrong, I am excited with the changes but they just pale in comparison.
For starters I moved out of the parents house. I moved a whole 6 blocks away. I just cant bring myself to move out of Lower North. I moved in with some friends so gone are the days of my own kitchen and bathroom. However they are a little more entertaining than my parents (sorry but its true) and the cats. I got into grad school at MNSU or MSU or whatever you want to call it. I am in the geography It graduate program and I am taking classes for a Graduate level certificate in GIS. So Ill break down GIS for everyone right now to clear things up. Simply put GIS is computer mapping and analysis. The certificate program is designed to familiarize students with the different ways to make maps and different software to use. Right now I have 2 classes. One is cartography. A class I didnt take at Gustavus and now they are making me take it for my certificate. Fine whatever. The reason I didnt take it at Gustavus was because I didnt think I would learn anything new. So now I get to hang out with a bunch of undergrads and learn how to make maps. Should be fun and dare I say.... really pretty easy. I hope. The other class I have right now is Issues in Geographic Techniques. It consists of field trips. Thats pretty much it. That and writing papers. This class is full of thesis track masters people and me. Quite the opposite end of the spectrum but I should learn a lot from these people. We will be going to places where people use technology to make maps and use GIS and all that cool stuff. So its all exciting. I forgot how much I love going to class, wandering around on a college campus people watching, and messing around on computers making maps. I am also working. 2 days of class a week wont explain being unemployed. I deliver pizza for Toppers Pizza. I have been doing it for maybe 2 months now and its not bad at all. I work about 20 hours a week and make some sweet tips from all the stingy college kids. No sarcasm there, I actually make awesome tips because we deliver a shit load of pizza. So most of the time I am driving, listening to The Current, BBC news, KFAN, whatever doesnt suck. Which is sometimes everything. If im not driving I am taking orders from people on the phone which is occasionally hilarious but most often pedestrian. And then I wash dishes and fold boxes. I still havent mastered the art of pizza box folding but I dont really try. Some kids are rediculous at it. Oh and I am hopefully getting another job so I dont have to donate plasma anymore, going to San Diego over spring break and getting another tattoo probably within a month or so. Ill explain that later. Im tired of blogging.
So winter is here in Minnesota. Snow, shitty roads and more snow. As I was driving to work one day I happened to stop at a light next to this huge loud red truck. The type that is lifted and made louder because this guy is awesome and you need to pay attention to him. I was in the outside lane of a double turn lane and he on the inside. As the light changed he sped ahead of me and took my lane after the curve. My words were probably something like 'douchebag you would'. But as I came up behind him at the next light I noticed his bumper stickers. The typical Calvin, from Calvin and Hobbes, peeing on something. To my surprise it wasn't the Ford Logo (Another bumper sticker told me this guy drove a Chevy). Calvin was peeing on Iraq. This man had two of these bumper stickers in his back window along with a bumper sticker right above his back bumper that read 'Dont piss me off, I might confuse you for an Iraqi' This just baffled me.
I began mentally tearing this man apart and making fun of him from the comforts of my own car and his deaf ears. 'Good thing they didnt put a map of Iraq on that bumper sticker, he probably wouldn't know what it was' But it was the lower bumper sticker that really bothered me. I wondered if this man was pissed off at all Iraqis. He surely must be because otherwise he could have excluded the Kurds, who have nothing to do with the current religious turmoil. Or he could have excluded the innocent civilians who are put in danger everyday because of the religious Sunni AND Shia radicals who create the problems. Maybe this man knows more than I do, maybe he is a member of our armed forces... nope, no such bumper stickers telling me about his credentials, no license plate detailing his military career. So I am sorry but I held back as much as I could. Part of me would like to meet this person to find out how he actually came about the idea to put these bumper stickers on his truck for everyone to see. Bold move. I'm guessing this guy doesn't really care though. No skin off my back either. I just hope this guy knows that whenever he drives his truck he is subjecting himself to countless stereotypes and more people than not probably think less of him just by reading his truck. I surely wouldn't want people to judge me without ever even shaking my hand. But its a free country. Do whatever man. The question I really want to know is where he got these bumper stickers. Who sells them? Do you need to get them from some anti-Iraq website or can you get them at Wal-Mart? Do the vendors of these stickers sell out? Can I get one in a different font? Can I get a 'Hug and Iraqi' bumper sticker too? Can I get a Calvin pissing on France or China? Because I really need to start putting my uniformed world views on my car so people can judge me.
I get enough sleep. If I dont have to get up early I usually set an alarm anyway so I dont get like 10 hours and feel groggy all day. I normally set my alarm about 8-8.5 hours after I go to bed. On average it has been taking me between a half an hour and an hour to fall asleep. Not ideal because that cuts into my optimum 8.5 hour sleeping regimine. The things that keep me up these days are pretty boring too. If I think about them during the day I think to myself, "who cares, dont worry about it" but they linger before bedtime. Packages falling on me when I worked at UPS were a nightly occurence. 4 hours of stacking packages in walls in semi trailers is a bit repetitive and it just sticks in your mind. The fact that it kept me up at night was rather depressing and a bit well.... stupid. So I quit that job.
Then came the fact that I didnt have as much of an income as I would like. So money kept me up at night. The fact that I am 23 and live at my parents house occupies my mind. I would like to have my own place eventually but that does not look like it is order in the near future. The unknown future is really the kicker. Small things like waiting to start another job can be pushed aside but larger ones like school for the next year of my life or a job interview that seems promising only to not get a call back. So I refer back to my PC days, or my pre PC days of waiting and taking whatevers there, which I hated. So there goes another 30 minutes off of my 8.5 hours. I think about the people in Tanzania a lot too. Even though more and more are returning to the USA from my volunteer class, I still wonder how my friends are doing a half a world away. I only knew those people for 3 months but its hard to forget those people because of their attitudes and the experiences that we shared which are so foreign to the rest of the people I know. So I have thought about moving my alarm back to maybe 9.5 hours to accomodate for this restlessness before sleep but I am too optimistic that the day will come when my mind isnt so jittery. I would have never thought that within a couple months span I would lose sleep over how my house is not snake proff and the rats that live there might just be enticing some in as well as the fact that I live with my parents in their house with a full kitchen and indoor plumbing. How is it possible that both bother me? I am not sure. A restless body waiting for the right opportunity I think. "Timing is everything" and "If it feels good, do it" Two sayings that seem to rule my life. But the first always limits and the second always changes.
Well i just wanted to add a little kiswahili. Which brings up the fact that I need a new name for my blog.
Since I have been back there is really only one thing that I have done consistently. Watch sports. I dearly missed it this summer and I have come back at one of the most interesting, some say best times of the year for sports. I disagree. I enjoy superbowl/masters/march madness but anyway. I come back to the start of the NFL season, Sunday and Monday night. College Football, Thursday night and all day Saturday. Baseball which is generally friday, saturday... well actually every night of the week. So I have pretty much every night of the week if I want to watch sports. And I have pretty much done so. It doesnt really matter who is on the screen I will watch it. For baseball teams they have to be good and I generally dont watch the entire game. Most of the time I am watching something else and I switch back in between pitches/innings. I cant say that I am the most diehard baseball fan. College football usually works the other way. Saturdays consist of watching multiple games while dodging comercials, half time shows and gaps in coverage. It is beautiful. In tanzania I would remember how much time is spent watching tv or simply listening to it while doing something else. Then I think of all the terrible shows that other people are watching. Lets say I watch the same amount of tv as another person, taking into account I am uneployed and have little else to do. 3+ hours of tv a night. While the average persons might consist of the local news, a sitcom or 2 and some garbage network drama or even worse reality tv, I am watching sports. Entertaining, an industry I would rather support than a network that churns out reality tv shows and the same old police dramas. My sports are supplemented with the national geographic channel, animal planet or I have recently found the Green channel. Thanks to mom and dad for expanding their tv options. And my night normally ends up with an episode of south park, the daily show or colbert report, whatever comedy central provides me. A little sporadic I know, but that has been my life in the past couple weeks. Who the hell knows what will happen next week and I dont even think about next month or year. And to end a bit of my poetic side, thanks go to my host family in Tanga, TZ. 6-29-09 Enjoy the rhyme scheme. Mangos migrate to me Alliteration abouds when asking around. Talking in prose aint as bad as youd spose Baba's two phones so hes never alone Pushing god, who knows just to feed the watotos Swahili's no cakewalk how'd I ever learn to talk Gonna eat that embe just as soon as it turns day Im proud of these lines not much more than fine This poem aint dead But im at the kerosene's end.
Im sure some of you know, I am back in the US, back in Minnesota and back in Mankato. I arrived back in the states last thursday after deciding to resign my position in PC Tanzania. There were many things that led me to that decision and frankly, it would take a while to explain it all. My thought process was pretty complicated and I am not sure I understand it all fully. In the end it was a personal, gut decision that told me I did not want to live in Tanzania for the next two years of my life. I'll give you a few of the "highlights" that led to me coming home and maybe you will begin to get the idea.
I began my PC application almost two years ago. I started over thanksgiving break of my senior year of college. A lot has changed since then. Two years ago I wanted to see the world and have an adventure. Do something challenging. At the same time it was an excuse that I used so I wouldnt have to look for a job or check out grad schools. But after waiting a year after college, getting paid very little for work that had no pertinence to my future, living at home with no car of my own and saving what little money I could, I felt like DOing something. Right now, the slow pace of the PC and the few tangible benefits left me feeling ... unsatisfied. My experience in the PC was not as sour as I might be making it seem. Training was amazing, my Tanzanian host family was incredibly inviting and helped me out tremendously. My fellow volunteers were awesome. Full of cool people with amazing past experiences and wonderful views on the future. Incredibly driven people with truely good intentions. As training went on and life at our site loomed, it dawned on me that I was not as excited as others. I was excited for a change of scenery but not so much to live on my own and begin "work". I realized my personal motivation would be tested and I it ultimatly dawned on me that it was not as strong as I had thought. And my immune system never seemed to agree with the food and water I was consuming. I was sick a few times during training but never for more than a few days and my family took care of me well. I wouldnt say I was healthy when I went so my site after swearing in and within a week I was incredibly sick. I took a trip to Dar Es Salaam to get medical attention and I began thinking about what I was doing in Tanzania. I began realizing how important health was to not only myself but to everyone who lives in a rural environment so far away from healthy food and medical attention. This didnt make me feel very good considering the hospital in my area was not adequate and my trip to town for a balanced diet was nearly impossible if under the weather. So the sickness put me in a bad mood and rather pessimistic about my whole situation but I was not going to allow myself to make a decision I would regret while I was pissed off and sick. I recovered after getting some medication for intestinal bacteria. After discussing my feelings with PC staff I told them I needed to give site another chance. I returned to my site healthy and in a relatively good mood. However, I quickly confirmed my earlier feelings that this was not going to work for me. I did not feel like I could live in my village for 2 years and I didnt see the point in sticking around for very much longer. I could not act as if I was going to help the people of the village when I had already made up my mind. I called PC on friday and let them know I would be in Dar by Monday and I wanted to resign and return home. After a few days in Dar filling out paper work and getting everything straight I had a flight for wednesday night. And about 27 hours after leaving Dar I arrived in MSP on thursday afternoon to an entirely different world. Personal vehicles, fast food and 4 lane highways. It feels very good to be home. So I figure I will watch some tv, cruise the web and look for a job. Catch up with friends and family. Enjoy the weather and wait for that first snow fall.
So my sickness continued to a point where I could no longer function at my site. I am an hour bike ride away from the road and a two hour ride from town which is just physically to demanding to do when you feel like garbage. Fed up with feeling like crap and not knowing why, I called the medical office and took a trip to Dar to figure it all out. So with a headache that wouldnt leave me alone and a temperature hovering around 102 that kept me in a constant sweat, I got into Mafinga to board the bus which was supposed to be there at 8. I was told it was late because of all the police road blocks so at about 10 I was informed the bus would be there shortly. About 20 minutes later I watched my bus fly past the bus stand and I half chased after if for a few hundred feet. I then went to the guy who sold me the ticket and he assured me in swahili that I will get on the next bus. So this guy sold my ticked to another bus line and put me on another bus which was over capacity a bit. So i stood but I was finally in my way to Dar not much more than 3 hours behind schedule. I was crammed into the back seat of the bus with 4 other adults and 2 children. About an hour and a half later one man left and I took over the window seat, thank god, I was burning alive. So I sat there straining my neck looking out the window trying to keep cool. You are of course not advised to fall asleep on public transportation because you things will almost undoubtedly get stolen. So after a 3 hour night of sleep the night before I sat there sweating instead. We made 2 stops, 1 I actually got out, used the bathroom and bought some juice. At the other I just bought stuff from the vendors that shove shit inside your open windows and they yell prices at you. Of course the woman next to me had to buy eggs so she leaned completely over my lap as I am trying to drink my mango juice and yelled at the guy with her head out the window. So she paid for the eggs brought them back inside and then yelled at the guy right infront of my face for some chumvi, salt of course. I couldnt shut the window fast enough so no one else could buy anything. With the window closed the temperature soared somewhere near boiling point i am sure. So by the time we got back on the road after the second stop we were still over 4 hours out of Dar and nightfall was not much more than an hour off. Another man from the back row departed at our second stop so that left an empty seat next to me. This was soon snatched by a child who prefered to stand up and look out the back window. I wasnt excited. The thought of putting my feet up... to good to be true. Shortly after dark, about an hour from Dar the child gets restless. He gets up and looks out the window again but something is definetly different. An odor fills the back row that apparently only I notice. I slam my window open all the way and stick my head almost fully outside. This child had surely just pooped his pants. I had no doubt about it. After a bit i bring my head back inside and find the mother checking the pants of the young culprit. Apparently she finds nothing worthy of action and leave the child alone. So for the rest of the ride I choose polution and exhaust over the smell of human feces. As we pull into the bus terminal, I remind myself not to touch the seat as it could have been smeared anywhere. So I get a ride with some taxi driver who has decided to screw me for everythign I own tonight, this was the first taxi ride i had been on where the price just kept escalating after we had already negotiated it. If i had anything in my stomach this would be the time to throw it up in his back seat. That would have been sweet but insteat I pay this man a rediculous amount of money and go into the hotel for the night.
I have been in dar now for a week. Getting healthy so I can return to site. It has taken a while but I think everything that was wrong with me is better now. I havent felt this good in probably close to a month. I still have not really checked out my market town of Mafinga yet. There are a couple of internet cafes there which I could concievably get to once a week. so for now I will leave you. there are still more test results that need to be known.
7-03ish
Its funny how things can change so quickly. I started writing this post about an hour ago. I was ready to pull my hair out after struggling with my brain for hours. It had taken a vacation, with little intent to return. Kiswahili lessons just werent sticking and I didnt know why. I tried to relax a bit as I took the short walk back to my house but I wasnt even able to find responses to simple hello's and hows the news. So that left me more frustrated and I entered my house to find some company that I had to interact with as well. After failing to say anything coherent in kiswahili I felt like an infant. Even after playing catch/soccer with my Kaka (brother) I still wasnt balanced. Maybe it was my blood sugar level or just my attitude but after eating, my whole aura changed. As I sat in near silence with my Baba (dad) eating simple rice and cassava, my body cooled. We exchanged simple sentences about our day, tomorrows plans and even what we are going to do this weekend. I understood nearly every word and his calm demeanor extended to me. So they day is near end and I finished the day like I started it, excited for what is to come and knowingly blocking out the obstacles that I will undoubtedly encounter in the days, even hours ahead. Training has been pretty amazing so far. My host family has had some medical issues and tonight was the first night they have all been together in our house at the same time since I got here a week ago. Everyone is healthy now (including me Mom) and they are really making it easy for me to learn from them. They know few words of english but they talk slowly and clearly. To understand them I do 3 things. 1. I actually understand the words and know what they mean. 2. I can figure out what they are talking about using non-verbals, etc. 3. I repeat it back to them slowly with a confused look on my face, say Sijui (I dont know) shrug my shoulders and laugh. I have survived so far using those 3 things and it is only supposed to get easier right? As far as our actually training we are in the language and culture phase. We have language lessons with our group of 4 volunteers and 1 language and cross cultural facilitator in our village. We learn kiswahili from 8 AM to 4 or 5 PM. With breaks for Chai and lunch, and of course we take random walks when our brains freeze from lack of english. It is a process... A long process but totall immersion has to be the best way to do it? OK so back to my family. I will try and put it in American family tree terms because otherwise no one would understand anything. In other words you would be like me for the first couple days here. Wondering who is who while trying to tell how they are all actually related. Simply, Tanzanians have extened family circles and blood ties just dont matter some times. So day 1 I am pretty sure I met everyone who actually lives in our house. Mama and Baba, 4 girls and 3 boys. When I woke up Mama was gone with one of the girls. Of course I didnt notice this in my flustered state. I found out later that day that one of the young girls, actually the first born of the second daughter, so my niece, was moved to the regional hospital not far away due to malaria and other complications. So I tried to talk to Baba about how she was doing on a daily basis but it isnt common to describe someone as unhealthy so I didnt get the real scoop on her condition. So in Mama's absence my 3 Dada's (actually my sisters) were left to make sure i didnt starve and kept myself clean. There are also 3 Kakas who roam the grounds. 2 younger boys who are the second youngest daughters children. The oldest kaka is the son of the oldest daughter who lives in the regional capital. Baba and Mama also have an older son, whom I met while visiting my niece in the hostpital last sunday. So to recap.... 2 parents, 5 children (3 live here) 1 niece and 3 nephews. So im posting multiple posts at once. saving some shilingi and some computer life. Get used to it. I probably wont know how regularily I will be able to post until september or something after I have been at my site for a while. Cell phone is coming and if you send me snail mail I have plenty of time to write back. 7-16 Well I have officially lived in Tanzania for a month now. I havent seen any cool animals save for a couple of monkeys, a dead python, a millipede and tons of lizards. I have sweated in the night as the temp wavers in the 80/90s? and I have worn a jacket during the day because the rain and clouds wounldnt warm the air enough. I have washed my clothes by hand and put them out to dry on the line only to have it rain later that day. I have pooped into a hole. Showered with a pitcher and a bucket of water. Brushed my teeth with no water to spit. Eaten countless oranges immediatly after I had just picked them from a tree and peeled them with my knife. Been delivered mangos by boys who I met earlier in the day. The only words I could put together were "I like to eat mangos". I then peeled and ate them on my porch as the sun set behind the house and the lantern lit the pit and the peel as it lay on the dirt. I have shaved as I monitored my face in a mirror no bigger than my outstreched hand. I have ran before dawn on a dirt track as the sun quickly rose over the mountains.I have sat on the beach looking at the waves of the Indian Ocean as I drank a beer. Played euchre with real people not on the internet. Tried to use the internet as I managed a couple of emails in an hour. Although and hour of internet costs not even a dollar, I am more mad about my wasted time. I have stared at the sky as stars emerged, foreign to my eyes yet old as time itself. I have shook the hand of people with no teeth, people with a couple of teeth, people with less than 10 fingers, people with no shoes on, people with no shirts on, people with suits and ties on, people who know 3 languages, people who dont even know 1, children who are afraid of white people, diplomats and poor farmers. I wish I could tell you more about all of those people but presently language is my crutch. I have fallen asleep at 8, fallen asleep at 11 and some nights not even fallen asleep at all. I have been awoken by rain on my tin roof, people arguing, loud music, trucks on the highway in my front yard, cries from native burial rituals, dogs barking, and roosters before dawn. I never know what to expect from day to day and that is why I am here. I learn something new everyday and somedays I have to relearn things I have forgotten from the day before. I have wondered about friends and family, on this continent and others. I have laughed a lot, at myself as much as others. I have cried. I have not loved every minute of it but I have more good stories than bad.
Alright so i wrote a post on my laptop and saved it to a thumb drive in hopes that I could just transfer to my blog. Things dont work so smoothly here I guess. SO heres a jist and ill post the rest whenever I can. A week, A month who knows....
I have arrived safe and sound here in Tanzania. Right now we were at a compound in the Capital Dar es Salaam. There are 35 volunteers in health and environment and we have been going through administative stuff, safetly health and some language training. tomorrow we are leaving for our homestays in the north near Tanga. There I will be alone with a family and be studying with a small language group of volunteers. Language and culture will be pretty intense and hopeully it wont be to akward or difficult. So the dish on the blog will be I will update as much as i can. IDk if my homestay will have elextricity or running water and who knows that muheza will be like. I hope they have some usable usb ports here. otherwise you will haev to settle for poorly spelled, sporadic posts. so hold on tight. I will be doing the same. salama
So I am once again a week away from departure. I have been really busy working and seeing friends and family. Work tires me out which leaves little energy to learn about the land and culture that I will soon be immersed in. This bothers me a little but I am not sweating it to much. I guess I just assume that the important things will be taught to me in training or on the fly. I talked to a fellow Mankatoan, Eric, who is in Tanzania teaching with the Peace Corps. He had positive things to say and that that eased some of the tension that has been building in the past few weeks. I feel like I am ready for the challenge. I am ready to learn, ready to test my skills, ready to experience, ready to succeed, ready to help. A trip to Wal-Mart and as I browsed through the electronics section a video of the sherengheti played. Almost surreal.
The last couple weeks since my last post have been fun. Another canoe trip, this time down the low waters of the Blue Earth River. Rapids and rocks everywhere and Tom and I wrapped his canoe around a rock crushing the fiberglass hull. It was fun though. I love being on the water, charting paths around obstacles and it makes it better being with friends who enjoy being there as well. Days on the lake, absorbing sun and taking dips in the chilly waters. A friends wedding was my last real chance to see all of my high school friends. It was a blast. Drinking and dancing the night away. I would have fun doing almost anything with these people. Hopefully I wont miss to many of those opportunities in the next 2 years. If it seems that I am short on words that would be accurate. I think that talking about my future for the past couple days has left me....
So after working for 2 weeks for the city I decided to take some time off. Actually my friend Jason was moving down to Florida for a summer internship and I promised I would head down with him to keep him company. Braun decided to accompany us as well.
The road trip started with a quick jaunt over to Chicago. A friend, Kane, now goes to school there and was nice enough to give us a place to stay and show us around for the night. We got there around 830 and after an hour or two of just chilling and watching tv, we made our way down to Wrigleyville. A pretty quick cab ride brought us right past the famous ballpark and to a bar a block or so away. We arrived to see the last 10 minutes or so of the ‘Hawks game. Tied at 5 when we go there. Bartenders and patrons were all dressed in jerseys or shirts and within a minute of walking in the Blackhawks had scored and the fans were going crazy. Free drinks were handed out and another goal in the next couple of minutes got the fans going again. The Blackhawks sealed the deal and more free drinks were on their way. A pretty good time at the bar led to our decision to take some pictures in front of wrigley field and we eventually took the L Train home at 2 in the morning. 10 hours in a car through Chicago, Indianapolis (Indiana is quite possibly the most boring state to drive through) Louisville and Nashville and eventually a tiny town just inside of Alabama. A few of Jason’s distant relatives let us stay at their place for the night. It was a long night after a long day. Shooting pool and listening to crazy stories that were hard to believe. This eventually led to Tim (Jason’s 3rd cousin) trying to trade some Alabama gear for the MSU shirt off of Braun’s back. This wasn’t very successful. After Tim tried on his entire wardrobe in front of us no deal was made. So Jason and I shared a twin size bed with loaded guns underneath it and knives in the bedstand. The next day our goal was to make it the 11 hours to Port Charlotte but around 9 PM we arrived in Gainesville. A quick decision to check out their campus and grab a drink turned into staying the night in a hotel. We checked out the football stadium and got some pictures by the gator. Some beer on a patio and no Tim Tebow sighting and we called it a night. So Thursday we finally made it to our destination. We quick dropped our stuff off and headed for the beach. We chilled there for a couple of hours and actually took it easy that night. The exhaustion had set in. Day 2 in Port Charlotte and we hit the beach around noon. It was partly cloudy so we hit the water. After just floating around I picked up a shell that we threw around for entertainment. Pretty boring stuff. Braun decided to swim some laps and went out a bit further. As he came in he brought a friend with him. Following behind him about 20 feet was a large black object looming below the surface. Obviously we were freaked out. And began backpedaling towards the shore keeping our eyes on the killer shark/dolphin/submarine. As we got back to about waist deep water a few others noticed the object as well and were more curious than we were. One man strapped on his goggles and decided to check it out further. He hovered looking at it briefly then surfaced. He had a smile on his face and motioned for his wife to come over. It was no shark. Just a lost manatee. Obviously that was pretty cool. It was just swimming slowly around and we all reached out to touch it. It kinda felt like an elephant I guess but parts of it were covered in algae or something. As more people gathered around to check out our new friend, other beachgoers weren’t as happy to be seeing this manatee interact with humans. Two women began yelling at everyone. “You are going to kill it.” “You will be arrested” “It will get lost and die here” “I will give you 2 minutes to get away from it.“ Naturally I thought these ladies were a little crazy and were taking this a bit to seriously. And this was a once in a lifetime chance to see a live manatee in the wild so I didn’t really care that I was going to be arrested. But the manatee was losing interest with us as well and it wandered farther down the beach where more people surrounded it and those ladies continued to yell at people. A cool moment somewhat ruined by these ultra conservationists. But anyway it was way past lunch time so we went to grab lunch at a beachside grill. The volleyball nets had been taunting us with either no one playing on them or people who were clearly not worthy. As we came back from lunch we saw a ball flying through the air and we checked them out to see if they were any good. As we walked by randomly this guy asked if we wanted to play. We jumped at the opportunity and played a few games to get our kick. A nice little rain shower cooled us off a bit but by the end of the day I was still fried. Our volleyball friends invited us to come out to a bar with a live band later that night. Pitchers of Beer and Pool. They were pretty fun dudes. So 2 hours of sleep later and we were off to the airport. A long trip and a short stay but it was worth it. Now I am back to work and preparing for Tanzania. Staging is set and I still have no idea who is in my group. Oh well I guess that will make staging that much more fun.
Another few weeks of unemployment. Not that I'm not enjoying waking up at 10 everyday and having very little on my plate save for donating plasma twice a week, but im bored. So with the nice weather has led me outside for some spring time activities. This of course brings up the opportunity for blunders. Not that I am not familiar in a canoe or on my bike, but accidents do happen. So here are a couple stories to keep you interested.
Thanks to Tom, we had a GPS adventure at 7 Mile Creek for a couple of hours that led to the idea of a canoe adventure the next day. Tom and I, as well as Mitch and Tom's friend Kramer rented a canoe to go along with the one Tom owns. In the spring high water we decided to try a smaller river we had never attempted before. Although the day was in the 50s it lacked the consistent sunlight that would have made it extraordinary. We loaded everything up and drove to the Le Sueur River a couple miles out of town. Mitch jumped in with me and Kramer teamed up with Tom in his canoe. The start was a little slow and the water wasnt very high. We had to portage around a couple of down trees but the river picked up speed and depth quickly. High banks led to very little scenery and slapping oars at carp was our only entertainment for half of the trip. But then the Cobb River entered in and we had the rapids we craved. Both canoes were side by side rounding a quick curve. Tom and Kramer were cruising by us on the outside, a touch fast. They quickly realized they were doomed to crash into a tree which was spread out on the outside bank. Kramer found the log first and dove under it but Tom was not as fortunate. He instinctively hugged onto the log but the river current was to strong. He tried to duck under but as he did the inside edge of their canoe went under. They were taking on water quickly. Mitch and I couldnt help but break out laughing as Tom's look of terror and the frigid water were too funny. Kramer ditched the canoe and we noticed him floating down the river. Our first instincts were to go after him but we realized he was fine and almost to shore our attention shifted to Tom. He was about 10 feet away from out canoe and he fretishly asked me what I thought he should do. I told him to ditch and he dove for the cooler with the car keys and the phone in it. Mitch and I, still laughing, went after the gear as Tom swam for shore. After we had gathered the gear and reached shore, Tom and Kramer caught up to us. Mitch and I could do nothing but laugh at our counterparts who were drenched from head to toe. They obviously didnt think it was as funny.We eventually got on our way and the rest of the trip was relativly dry. Certainly a story for Kramer to tell as it was his first time canoeing. And a story that I am happy to tell people as I had a front row seat rather than a first hand experience. This might be one of those story's where you had to be there but trust me, it was hilarious. On to the next accident. Yesterday I bought some clip in shoes for my bike. A bit more efficient in your pedal and what the hell they were on sale. A little present for myself as I found out I can work for the city for a couple of months. After a little tinkering today, I figured out how they work I tested them a few times on my block. For those of you who dont know. These shoes "clipped in" are attached to the pedals and you have to twist your foot to release your shoe. It seemed easy enough so I decided to take them on a ride. It was a beautiful day as I crossed through Lower North, across the bridge and hooked on to the Sahkata Trail. This trail meanders up through the woods along the South side of town and out towards Madison Lake and eventually Faribault. Going out was no problem, except for the fact that it is all uphill. I was about 12 miles out and found a good place to turn around. I was feeling good, I think the shoes actually helped with my pedal strenght and endurance. So I turned around and clipped my left foot in. I prepared to push off with my right and somehow I lost my balance. I fell to the left on my clipped in foot. Whoops. So obviously I cant get up. My bike has my left leg trapped to the ground. Sweet. So looking like an idiot I had to take my left shoe off, thank god for velcro, then I could unclip my shoe from the pedal. No harm no foul. I guess that has to happen sometime. So i was on my way back down the trail with no more than a bruised ego. I was making great time on the way back and I was less than 2 miles from home crossing the RR tracks by Riverfront Drive. (see one of the most heavily trafficked streets in Mankato) I was slowing down to wait for the light to change and I slipped my right heel out to unclip. This little slip of my heel sent me off balance and with both feet still clipped in I went down hard. My handle bar slammed down and took most of the impact. And somehow, magically both of my feet unclipped. I dont know how I would have gotten out of that one. So looking like an idiot in front of about 20 cars. I pick myself up. Obviously I missed the light and was to ashamed to wait there for another couple minutes as people laugh at me so I took of another way. With a bit of blood running down my right shin and some skin off my elbow, it definetly could have been worse. But my bike took the worst of it. My right gearshift and handlebar had been shoved inward and my seat had been cranked a bit as well. I had planned to go a bit further down the North Mankato side of the river but obviously I was in no mood for that for fear of another embarassing fall. So a little loosening and tightening adjusted the seat but I needed the vice grips to adjust the handlebars. Maybe next time I will avoid intersections and stop lights. stupid. So that was the funny stuff. An update on me. I finally got a Rosetta Stone for Swahili so I have started that. A lot of unfamiliar sounds and confusing consanants. I have put off getting excited about Tanzania for another month or so. So if I dont know to much about my assignment or the country dont sue me. But I finally got the go ahead to work with Rick and the ballfield crew until I leave in June. Some more spending money I guess. Outdoors and some physical labor. pretty good deal.
Due to my delay of service again, my attention has switched back to life in Mankato. That consists of me having a lot of free time. Most of that time is consumed by watching college basketball on tv which I love to do and one of the positives of being around til June is the fact that I can watch the NCAA tourney now. (I am currently watching the Big 10 championship) The rest of my time, which was used by going out to eat the week before I left for philly, is switching to cycling. With 45+ degree days i cleaned my bike off and took it out for a couple of rides this weekend. I am rediculously out of shape but it was fun to get out of the house and exercise again. So here are a few highlights, if you want to call them that, of my 35 miles this weekend.
This is my first spring with my new bike and apparently I am not used to snow melting at different paces. On saturday I headed out the Red Jacket trail and soon ran into an ice skating rink where the trail once was. My bike ride turned into a walk for about a half a mile. After that I realized that the next 3 miles through the woods would be impossible. My only other option was to climb the hill next to hwy 90. It was dry but much to much for me to handle. I walked the last 100 m.Dogs. I got chased by two dogs on Sunday. This was my first experience while I was on a bike and I thought they would just leave me alone. But these were dogs used to open space and these two chocolate labs chase me a ways until I slowed down. I will admit I was a little scared but after I stopped they left me alone. Later on im pretty sure I stepped in dog poop as I was stopped at a light. I eyed up every dog for the rest of my ride sure they would break their leashes and chase me, maybe taking time to pee on my feet.People. My mind wanders from topic to topic as I bike and people were all over the streets and trails this weekend. Mothers running alongside their 12 year old sons as they bike, pushing them for a faster pace on their way to a destination clearly unatainable for the son. Old men running/walking. Young men at the same pace. Bikers legs completetly covered in mud. (I can only imagine what I looked like after 20 miles.)I plan on accepting my invitation for Tanzania tomorrow and going through that process again. Hopefully I can get a job so I dont have to blog everyday and bore people to death.
This post comes to you from an airplane. One that is headed back to MN not west to JoBerg and eventually Madagascar. After arriving in Philly and settling into our hotel, a few other PCVs and I headed for lunch and before our staging. While waiting in the lobby for staging a rumor surfaced about bad news from Mada. A current volunteer in country posted on our Facebook group about some bad news. This volunteer was not so optimistic that we would actually make it to Mada on Thursday as planned. After turning in a few forms we were all gathered in our staging room. We chatted about how excited we were and how lucky we all were to be going to Madagascar. Everyone agreed it would provide us with tons of opportunities and it would be a priceless experience. The energy in the room was very apparent and every minute seemed to take us closer to our destination. Then it turned to business. Julie and Leonard have been working with our group from the DC office and they introduced themselves. Then another woman introduced herself as one of the people in charge of placing people from Washington. (PC vice pres or something of that stature). I instantly knew that she was not here just to gather forms from us and wish us off. She announced that her news was not good and that we would not be going to Madagascar after all. The situation, although not presently dangerous, had the potential to be so. The military, being controlled by the current government and the President, was no longer supporting the president. Basically the policing force wasn’t going to be protecting anyone. The room was silent. All of the energy had been sucked out and we had nothing but astonished and disappointed looks. After being delayed for an additional month it seemed that our Madagascar dreams would have to wait a little longer, if becoming real at all. Tons of questions poured out about what we were to do now. Our lives had been shaken again and many people were left reeling. Cars had been sold, leases on homes and apartments had expired, Insurance gone, jobs lost. We were a day away and now we were going to be turned back. Never in the history of the PC has a group been turned away at staging and that was a record we did not wish to have. But that is the thing about PC invitees, we are forever searching for ways to be optimistic. Although I found this unbelievably hard to do. We were informed that we were the top priority to be placed. We would be moved ahead of people and they would place us as soon as we would like. Although for many that could be June or July at the earliest. After going over a few logistics we were excused for a couple hours before dinner courtesy of the PC.
There were 31 other people in our group all seemed to be more amazing than the last. Everyone got along beautifully yet we all had to get through this strange news together. That made it much easier for me to bear. WHAT WERE WE GOING TO DO? It seemed that no one knew. We bounced ideas off of each other and tried to grasp what the best decision would be. Yet it seemed different for everyone. A free dinner at Chili’s led to more discussion, it then turned to more personal questions about people’s pasts rather than the hazy future. It was a stress free dinner that left my spirits up. Although the 3 hours of sleep in the past 40 hours was catching up to me. Justin, my roommate a small business volunteer, and I returned to our room to relax and watch some TV. I was no longer in the mood to go out with other volunteers to relieve some of the stress. It was still surreal that night. We were supposed to stay in the hotel that night and catch a flight in the morning yet we knew we would be separating rather than traveling together to our assignment. So now on the flight to MSP, it is sinking in that the return to MN could be extensive. I will have to face my friends again, some of whom I have said goodbye to twice already. Justin and I shared that same view that we return in a sort of embarrassed state. To me it seems like I have failed twice. Like it is somehow my fault yet I know the problem was half a world away. A problem that many wouldn’t even believe. A former DJ turned politician organizing a coup against the current president who started out owning a yogurt stand on the side of the road. It just seems like a terrible joke someone told me just so they could laugh as I try to hold on to the vision of going. My hope is that most people can read this rather than me having to try to explain it to everyone individually. Frankly, I was already tired of talking about it before I left. Now I have to revisit it for a third, possibly fourth time. But I thank everyone for their love and support, I know it has not been easy on anyone and I look forward to spending some time with you all again soon.
Well I told people i would post before I left so here goes...
I have gotten the opportunity to hang out with my best friends for another month. For that I am very grateful. Fun times with people I love. However, I think i am very ready to leave. I am ready for a new adventure. An opportunity to learn about myself, other cultures and the unexpected. Other than that I dont think there is anything interesting to report. 60+ pounds of luggage, an itinerary and a taste for something new. A new haircut and clean shaven. For those who expect me to look like Tom Hanks in Castaway, we will have to see what the culture allows. Check in on me often. I will try and do this as much as possible but the first couple months probably wont let me do that. So hold on, dont give up hope on the blog. And ill let you know all of the cool stuff that happens.
So just over a week from what was supposed to be staging, days after my last day of work, and 2 days after my going away party, our group got the news that our staging would be delayed for a month. March 9th is our new departure date. .... I cant say that this is shocking, PC is pretty careful when it comes to danger/uncertainty in their host nations. Even though we were reassured on friday that staging was going on as planned, nothing during this whole process has been easy, so i didnt get my hopes up on leaving on time. I dont think i will be at ease until I am on the ground in Mada. So i guess this just gives me more time with the people i love back here in MN. I would be lying if i didnt tell you that i cant wait for the day i get back to see these people again. So now i will have the chance to say goodbye again.
But this only gets me another month of MN winter. A taste of spring, near 40, on my bday gave me a jolt of energy but near 0 temps today is sent me back into the winter mode. I just want to exercise outside to get the endorphines moving again. anyway these are just random thoughts from a coffee shop. the sun is shining and i have no ogligations for the next month. it should feel good right. but honestly i am already bored. idle hands. or maybe i am just unproductive. reading the Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell. he is an interesting, though provoking author i suppose i should tell my friends about my blog huh.
OK so i am some 15 days away from departing on my journey. There have been protests in the capital of Mada, Tannanarive. 40,000 protesters some dead. It sounds like a bad deal compared to the relative stability since Mada's independence from France. Because of the peaceful nature of the country I am still faithful that our PC group will be sent to begin our training in country as planned. And all of that is adding to the stresses of getting ready to go. Paperwork, bills, packing, spending as much time with friends as possible. Good thing i take stress well, or atleast i think so. Its just that 15 months of seeing if this is a journey I am up for is a long time to wait. I am rearing to go. That is pretty much it. so hopefully i can keep this blog up. I know i will be somewhere in rural madagascar but that isnt saying much. hopeully i can post once a month or so but i wont know until i am placed at my site in over 3 months. thats all for now. ive got things to do.
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