maybe you must meet mr. wrongs so that you will know when you meet mr. right?

things have been good.

i had a great week at a lake for our in service training. it was nice to get away.

speak english

and eat thanksgiving food with people i have grown to love.i cant wait to go home for christmas

i miss my friends.

family.

normality

electricity

gas

warm water

taco bell

etc.

im learning so much about this life. what it means to really live. what it means to really serve. to be alone.

life is easy at home. i miss it and resent it. kinda like boys.

anyway. i bought a dart board. its been fun to play.

i like darts a lot.

i miss hawaii. i miss the sun. i miss my sister. i tried to call her 7 times tonight. she didnt pick up.

we just got our electricity back. we dont have gas tho. im hungry but cant cook anything without it.

my friend and neighbor caught her host family stealing from her so she has to move houses. shes really depressed about it... and today is her birthday. i feel really bad about it. we will go to tbilisi to celebrate her birthday properly so i hope she has fun.

i miss you

love

The past 2 weeks I thought I was going to die. I get stressed and cant eat sometimes. I was stressing about having a conversation with a friend and realized after we had it, I no longer felt ill.

Mind over body, serious.

Tomorrow is my best friends birthday. Shes 15. Her name is Khatia. Shes funny and nice. I enjoy laughing with her.

My other best friend is Mari. Shes really smart and 15 too. I would rather hang out with 15 year old girls than old annoying 40 year old ladies.

I hate 40 year old women gossip and shit talk.

Going to get a beer with a few others at 10am tomorrow.

I like living abroad

this experience so far has made me realize how much i love, love.

when you are dear friends with someone here you hug them and kiss them.

i envy it.

i am feeling really hostile right now.

i could break something.

my host mom is a dumb ass...she held up a picture of the twin towers with a big ass grin on her face and said "Katie, Its a picture of America"

I wanted to throw my glass against the wall.

whats wrong with people.

why dont people think.

why dont people think alike.

what if i held up a picture of last years bombings in Gori and said "Look, its last summers war with Russia!"

im out of patience today.

maybe it will return tomorrow.

forgive me for being a jerk tonight, ive had it about up to the sky with some of these people.

i feel like an arrogant ass hole when i say it... but some people have a really disillusioned view of what a problem really is.

i have a really disillusioned view of what a problem is.

i hate tragedy.

i dont want to know what its like to not be able to afford your childs school books, or next dentist visit.

money is the thing we love to hate. and hate to love.

kinda like alcohol or an ex-boyfriend.

this world can always throw a curve ball.

im suposed to know 30 new vocab words today. i know 6.

my Georgian teacher has kinda had it with me not knowing anything new the two times a week we meet for an hour.

words to know, Shevedit = entered, nadiri= animal, kvali= trail, kurdgheli= rabbit, talke= on ones own

what the eff. when will i use those crazy words?

yesterday i told a student to shut up and felt like a real jerk walking home. it was so loud that i dont know if anyone heard. the students here are the craziest in the world. they literally only come to school when their families kick them out of the house and make them go.... once a week. they are really terrible learners but the sad thing is they are really smart. really smart.ive seen some ugly things lately. they make me home sick. i had a dream last night i was home with my family. it was interesting. sometimes i think our brains like to give us a little break and take us to a fun place for the few hours we sleep. ive been remembering my dreams a lot lately so its been helpful to wake up with memories of people i miss and love, even if they are fake.that sounds pathetic.i feel like a zombie sometimes. my friend Tom sent me a text saying he just saw a dog die and was drinking beer at 10am and sounded desperate. i texted him back that he was halucinating and that the good news was he was a recent college grad from America, the bad news was that this halucination would last 24 months.

I have to leave for school in 15 minutes. i teach 3 classes today but my 12th grade students only show up on Fridays so I might get some more vocab studying in. i hate studying vocabulary.

my head feels foggy. i think thats my brains defense mechanism for when im not asleep.

tomorrow im meeting at our new office (a cafe) with 3 other volunteers to continue to plan our Stop Violence Against Women orginization. This is the real reason I want to be here. I hope we get a lot done tomorrow.

Tuesday, and beyond...

why is it so much fun to miss someone you love?

then you see him, and realize love is an inappropriate word to use when describing your like for this person.

why is it so much fun to be in like with somone who lives far away?

i love liking someone far away.

tomorrow. i cant wait for tomorrow. leaving at 2pm with some friends and arrive at 3. good food and some good beer. there should be about 15 of us in the hostel this weekend. its like a second home out there in the capitol. i miss the others and its been 4 weeks since we have been together!

i want chinese food on saturday!!!!

i miss home and dream about my friends every night.

Today I dont start school until 12. Im laying in my sleeping bag passing the time. I really have enjoyed spending time alone. I never did it at home and I think that its just what I need for the next two years. Time to think and evaluate and just let your mind float off to a unreal place and day dream.

This week has been good. No planning yet so I think next week will be more intensive.

I sleep in my sleeping bag every night because the first night i got here there was blood on one of the pillow cases. it was unnerving.

this house is kinda like the adams family house. really strange but once you hang out for a while the things that were once unbarable start to become firmiliar.

im not going to correct my spelling.

its been raining for 4 days. summer is gone.

i have a few close friends. ashlie is closest. jefferson is second. jessica is third and tom is fourth.

i really like jess and tom but they live a bit far.

i missed my mom yesterday

i want taco bell. i would kill someone for taco bell right now.

things are good.

im really happy right now.

today was the first day of school and it had its ups and downs.

the weather is changing...ive never experienced seasons really.

only rain and sun.

today i miss my friends a lot. i miss laughing and singing and spending lots of time together.

im really content and waiting for the day im not. its kinda worryin me that it hasnt come already.

its strange to feel like you fit somewhere when you clearly dont belong there.

i love you.

i think about you all the time.

things are good.

Gods been really faithful with everything.

good times and good days, i hope they keep coming.

when i have a bad one i will remember the good ones.

things i will miss: blue moon, darts, warm showers, toilets, my shoes, iced coffee, my family, unicycle, bike, skateboard, unemployment, pandora radio, feeling comfortable, cable, taco bell, him-her-you, my books, summer, wine time with my mom every day at 3pm, down town, chinese food, speaking english, going to the movies, LA, the beach, vacations, LOST, meeting people at bars, hot tubs and pools, driving my car, spending money when i shouldnt...

things i wont miss: subin, living with my parents, cell phones, bills, medical insurance, not getting sleep

i have been day dreaming about this for 9 months:

From the begining to the end/new begining:

Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 6:18am

We arrived in Georgia yesterday. We had our first day of training today.

2 people have already gone home.

Georgia is a ton like Kazakhstan.

We even have the same tomato cucumber salad thing.

I will be moving to my village next week with 4 other volunteers.

We live alone with our host families.

I dont know what to expect, but im excited.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, July 30, 2008 at 3:22am

Today was my first whole day in my permanent site. On Friday my group mates and I traveled to the large city near our village and we met with all of the other future volunteers from or Georgia 2008 group. We were introduced to our new sites and locations throughout Georgia. My city is called, Lanchuti and is in the district of Guria. It is about 45 minutes away from the resort town Batumi which I hope to visit while I spend time here! Lanchuti is a beautiful green city that is very developed compared to the small city of Kashuri where I am residing this summer. My host family seems very nice. I have a host father, mother, 15 year old brother and 14 year old sister. The young girl is the only one who speaks English and she is in the capitol city this week so breakfast, lunch and dinner have been full of “Ver Gavige” (I don’t understand in Georgian) and lots of smiles and nods.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 11, 2008 at 11:07pm

Last night at 1am we arrived in Armenia. We traveled all day through

the back country of southern Georgia in two large buses and 5 Peace

Corps land rovers. We are staying with all of the Peace Corps G7

volunteers and total there are about 80 of us staying in this hotel in

the Armenian mountains. Although we are completely safe and out of all

danger we had to leave behind our host families, friends and Georgian

Peace Corps staff that we have been working side by side with for the

past 2 months. Things dont look like there getting any better and many

of us are very worried, confused, and just plain tired. I have been

feeling okay but am very worried about the friends and staff that we

had to leave behind. Georgia is such a beautiful country full of

beautiful people who are so confused about all that is going on. Many

dont have tv or radios and dont have any information about all that is

taking place in the north and west parts. Our personal belongings are

scattered out in different parts of the country and dont plan on

seeing them again. Most of us only have the clothes on our back and

the few things we could fit into a small bag in 5 mins.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, August 24, 2008 at 2:28am

we are getting sworn in as Georgia Peace Corps volunteers today.

we will be kicked out of Armenia in 5 days.

i am spending 7 days a week here with some amazing people sleepin on couches, building forts, worryin about Georgia during the day and relaxin our minds by night.

this has been strange but im more than thankful for every day and night.

tonight will be a radical day.

next week will is a mystery...

and i cant wait.



---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, September 20, 2008 at 8:11am

ım ın turkey

we leave for ısrael tomorrow

ı need a new dırectıon.or an old one.

ım not really pıcky.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

June 4th, 2009

I love you. I will miss you. I wish you, who is reading this, could go on this adventure with me.

Things can be up and down. The can be left and right and all around... but one thing that wont change is the love for my friends and the love for each day. I am so blessed to be able to exist in this beautifully designed fucked up world that we are quick to dismiss.

I love you, I love this... I will love it all until the day I dont exist.

these baybays are hella fast

they run and jump and spin and dive.

my grandma is mean.

she was mean to me tonight for the first time, in a long time.

my sister-in-law by half brother and her two kids come into town tomorrow.

i will miss my mom.

i have a knot in my stomach.

i want to know when it will go away.

ever wonder what happened to laguna larry?

he became Mr. Happiness and moved to vegas:

"I saw you sweating, so I got you this," he says, handing Mr. Happiness an orange drink.Reaction isn't always positive. Another guy once brought a cup of urine, which he doused Mr. Happiness with.

i could cry im so happy.

ive never felt like that before this experience.

i remember that feeling, this same one... i had it last year on September 1st. it was beautiful. so beautiful that my mind raced a million miles per hour and i couldnt stop thinking how blessed i was. i felt like the happiest person on earth. in the whole world.

it last like 15 mins. total bliss. i know its going to feel like that again. its going to be so overwhelming i might have to get hit by a car or punched in the face just to know its real.its going to feel so good. im going to die from happiness.

"you have bought into this same ridiculous delusion. the idea that you have to settle down and resign from life"

I just finished reading Franny and Zooey. I was talking to my mom about his books. She said, "everyone feels alianated and missunderstood. There all looking forward to something in the future but there is nothing, but growing older"

We both kind of laughed. I remember feeling like that for most of highschool.

Im reading the Augusten Burroughs, A wolf at the table. Im excited. I think it has the most beautiful book cover I have ever seen. Jack White says that red black and white are the 3 most powerfull colors...like the nazi flag and coca cola signs.

These days have been good. Sometimes ill get this feeling of angst and wont eat or be able to sleep. The other day I just felt so cloudy and scared. I dont know what for or why. I get that sometimes. It started my Jr. year of college. It kept me from being alowed in certin parts of Goergia because Peace Corps didnt want me to take the medication for malaria. When you take the pills sometimes people have night terrors. My friend got them. He would wake up in the middle of the night screaming.

I have a job this week, on Thursday. My second in 3 months.

im looking for this balance. this balance that i can never seem to master.

drink too much drink too little. eat too much eat too little. speak too much speak too little. tried too much tried too little. spent too much spent too little. asked too much asked too little.it seems like everything has this balance and sometimes ill get anxiety just thinking about how hard it is to find that invisible line that marks where i should stand.these days are going by slowly. im tired every day and dont really do anything. ive been trying to think of things that have happend over the past 9 months. 9 months is a really long time. Its hard for me to remember what I have done with the time.i should start today.

and get ready for tomorrow.

The rain has stopped.

"I hope this email finds you well and preparing for your upcoming service in Georgia. I am very pleased to announce that yesterday evening Acting Director Jody Olsen gave final approval for us to proceed with your departure in June. You all are to be commended for valiantly dealing with this ambiguity in addition to the general stress associated with leaving for a 27-month Peace Corps assignment. Thank you for your patience, flexibility and good humor throughout all of this. As we celebrate this announcement, let us also turn our focus to the important task at hand: your upcoming departure and PST."

Isaiah 40:31

But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.

Ah... this feels good.

it rained and it hasnt stoped.

i was suposed to have a bbq today. i will have to think of something to make indoors.

last night i went to see bands play at the java lounge. it was fun. its been a long time since id seen a sacramento band play at a coffee shop. there were lots of young looking people. like really young. i bet a lot of them were 15.

i didnt get much sleep and i think that will make today seem very long.

my stomach doesnt feel very well either.

janet took me to lunch yesterday. it was really fun. shes great.

I have been running out of money.

i dont want may to exist.

im tired of this place.

Im tired today. It looks like its going to rain.

I have been reading the updates from people on this Georgia 2009 facebook group. I kinda got mad. It was strange how pertective I got just reading stuff they wrote. Its going to be hard to go with these new people. Im really glad that there is going to be 5 of us returning. I would go nuts if I didnt get to have some of my old pc family with me.

Im still waiting for something terrible to happen. Something crazy like earthquakes or genocide.

Werid.

It will be very strange. Im looking forward to when things just get good again.

Its May. I feel like if I blink I will miss a day or a week. I like it that way.

Ive been practicing riding my unicycle. Its been really fun. Its been fun learning new things instead of watching movies.

Yesterday I mowed the lawn for the first time in my life. It doesnt look great but it got the haircut it needed.

My parents are going to Hondures tomorrow. They like to travel. That rules.

One of my best friends, kik moved to Guatamala on Tuesday. I am sad I wont see her for a very long time.

I went to my Peace Corps send off shindig and a guy whom I met in Georgia named Phaelen was there. I met him the first day we were in country and talked to him for like an hour. It was sooooo nice to see him. I dont even know him. I dont even really like him for that matter but it was great. He told me funny stories that I shouldnt know and told me about the city they want to put us in.

I havent gotten my information yet and Im kinda worried that I am a step behind or that I missed a deadline. I have tried to be really on top of things without bothering the people in DC too much. Its hard to do.

over and out.

things have changed so much.

i dont know if i hate them, or love them.

maybe some-where in between.

i love being where i am. i love being me. i love being where i am where i am... but i always wish i was somewhere else.

today was strange. tonight will be strange. tomorrow will be grand.

im going to visit all my college friends,well most of them... and talk about things we should have shared months ago.

my family is coming over tonight to celebrate my fucking 24th birthday. im scared.

im really scared of being fucking old.

fucking old.

im scared.

really.

i know nothing...

i know everything.

im scared.

im really good at faking it. im watching a show all about faking it."sometimes its nice to be alone. no books. no boys. no faking. just alone and comfortable."

today i went to Folsom Lake. It was really fun. I got lots of sun with a great friend.

i woke up not feeling great, i had a sore throat and a stuffy nose. my friend, Alex, whom i hung out with a few days ago said he hasnt been feeling great either. i think we got sick the night we hung out.

this past weekend i went camping in Big Sur. its a great place. i would tell anyone to at least drive through on a clear spring day. its one of the most beautiful places i have ever been.

this weekend im going camping in Azusa canyon. im kinda excited. should be kinda cool.

my friend from Georgia, Levon, said that our mutual friend Sara texted him and said she had a gift for him and that it would be at the air port at 2:00 and that he needed to be there to pick it up. Levon went to the air port to pick up the gift, and sure enough Sara was there to meet him. i wish i was there with them. i miss them. and tbilisi. and missing my family. and missing things being easy. etc.

im waiting for my clearence. my dentist said everything was clear. the staging that was 3 days long last year is only 1 1/2 days now because of budget cuts. its sad.i would really love to one day have a driver. in peace corps anytime you need to go somewhere you have a driver. you just hop in, sit back, and enjoy the ride. i just make a call... say where i have to go and someone is at my door in a white land rover. when i write it out it sounds kind of superficial but when i really think about it, working for free for 2 years isnt.

im going to go finish Franny and Zooey. Its kind of boring but i dont like to start a book without finishing it.

out.

my baby tooth is keeping me from being medically cleared for peace corps.

ive always prided myself on my baby tooth.

i have to go to the dentist tomorrow to see what i can do with it.

im going to start writing in this.

i think its childish but i would like to.

with that said.

3 things are on my mind.

i was reading old posts and it made me miss updating about all the things i do every min of every day. it was almost like the pre- twitter days.

today i woke up late...too late to get an appointment at the doctors that i really need. i hope there will be room tomorrow.

last night i had a really great time. I went to a hip hop show with selica. i wasnt expecting much but i really loved the artist. her hame is Andy Allo. she has a funk type style.

selica and i are going dancing tonight. its goth/industrial music night. it should be really really werid but more importantly new. i am on this kick to try new things and expand my really normal every day activities.

things are well. i want to hang out with jenna. she lives far, and i wish she was still near by.

i wish everyone else would start writing in this. it would be really fun to hear everyones day to day or every few day updates.

i miss lan. its been a long time since ive seen him.

i love you. i love you.

and im not a good speller.

lauren.

she is in burning san diego

we always had great laughs.

right now im listening to Trevor's Pod Cast from Santa Monica.

(I wish i was there right now.)

his talk is about how we dream about things, wishing they were the way they are sposed to be.

i do that a lot.

every time we tried to fix something, something else happens. nothing works the way it should. why are people poor. why do the innocent die? why are things the way they are. things just are not fair...

its not fair

1. its just a dream. its not reality and our job on earth is to take everything we can get...make the most of the time here.

2. its a fantasy...but there is nothing we can do about it. its all phony, and not in our control...

3. that desire in each of us, to make things the way they are suposed to be... christians believe its not a feeling... we believe its a wisper form God.

God's dream and desires are to make heaven on earth. we believe "its not fair" is God doing something in us to help make the world the way its supposed to be...and rescue the world from its injustice.

this world is so rediculous and so unjust all we can do is laugh about it, or cry about it.

Jesus was always celebrating... his first miricle was turning water into wine at a party.

he was also always making jokes. Jesus never laughed at the world or cried at the world...he cried and laughed with people.

if Christians are the ones who are sposed to make things right... then why have they been apart of the problem through out history?

crusades, spanish Inquisition, people who bomb abortion clinics

make sure we ask for forgiveness. we are not perfect.

there are also Christians who have changed the world...

listen to that wisper and pray that you will be part of the solution...part of bringing God's kingdom to earth.

so...

i feel pretty useless. after the past 2 months being super busy and doing really cool stuff in KZ, it kinda sucks to sit at home and watch dawsons creek reruns and spend all day waiting for friends to get off work. Im still waiting to hear back from a potential employer...but even if i was working a few hours a day i think i would still feel this way. I dont really know what is expected of me.

I guess something i enjoy about school is there is a sheet that tells you what to do next, what class to sign up for and what requirements to meet, I kinda want one of those for the rest of summer.

So, i will take advantage of the next few weeks the best i know how, but i secretly want to be somewhere else.

Lately i have felt a lot like a grown up...and i feel like everyone around me has grown up or just grown old.

anyway, no real complants.

ps: August 18 - San Fran, CA - The Makeout Room, 3225 22nd Street - w/Kristin Hersh - Early, Doors At 7, Jonah at 7:45* 21+

pss: my sister might get a job at Valley High... if she did it would kinda be like dangerous minds!

Are you capable of forgiving and accepting in love a world which has disappointed you by not being perfect, a world in which there is so much unfairness and cruelty, disease and crime, earthquakes and accidents? Can you forgive its imperfections and love it because it is capable of containing great beauty and goodness, and because it is the only world we have? Are you capable of forgiving and loving people around you, even if they have hurt you and let you down by not being perfect? Can you forgive them and love them, because there aren’t any perfect people around, and because the penalty for not being able to love imperfect people is condemning oneself to loneliness? Are you capable of forgiving and loving God even when he has let you down and disappointed you by permitting bad luck and sickness and cruelty in his world, and permitting some of those things to happen to you? Can you learn to love and forgive him as you once learned to forgive and love your parents even though they were not as wise, as strong, or as perfect as you needed them to be? And if you can do these things, will you be able to recognize that the ability to forgive and the ability to love are the weapons we are given to enable us to live fully, bravely, and meaningfully in this less-than-perfect world?

the movie shopgirl is adorable.

i would like to be claire danes...

then have my muse sweep me away.

tonight is the sock hop.

i think ill be the only one in khakis, a polo, and button up cardigan.

i wonder if we will be asked to leave?

♥

tonight i figured it out.

it doesnt start with a d and end with a k...

it rhymes with bug and ends with a of.

that word matters the most to me.

tomorrow i will find a job.

something to keep me busy.

♥

wow.

that was really good.

that was really hard...

and that hurt a little.

♥

i am in central asia.

it is about 108 degs each day.

i have met some really great people.

we will go to Germany in two weeks.

things are well.

♥

so people say that their friends are amazing and have changed their life...

but i really mean it

my friends are amazing and have changed my life.

this past week has been great and i have learned so much about myself and the world around me.

thank you for making it what it was.

and i promissed kella and jenna i would say ...

august 5th...i will be home august 5th.

goodnight and goodbye.

thank you for everything and everyone that you are.

i love you.

all.