I thought the other day that I didn't do a "One Year Later" type post to commemorate a year back in the states...

I don't really know what I was feeling at the time. December 9th was the day I got back. I was probably excited about and preparing for my trip to DC and New York for Xmas/New Years, maybe travelling to Chicago. I don't feel like opening the calender to see the exact day. Not worth it.

In any case, the theme is that life has moved on. With it's normal ups and downs, its beauty and its chaos, and it's beautiful chaos. Now January, January was pretty BAD. I was sick the first couple of weeks of the new year, found bedbugs, lost hope in my work and it got reeeeeally cold here. February has been a vast improvement - but I don't think it could have gotten any worse other than me dying or something. "Or something" haha. I guess there's nothing very "similar" to death... maybe embarassment, so the saying goes.

Anyway, I'm babbling. Over vacation, I got to see 2 people from my PC group. They were two very different experiences, but both good. And I'm going to see another soon, and saw one before those two. It's interesting to see people grow and know that we can come back together - in the states or abroad - and to know we will always be connected.

I had resolved that most people probably wouldn't make it to my wedding, but now I'm back feeling that I want everyone to come and that it'd be awesome. Of course, it'd be kind of a weird day with all of the distractions of a wedding going on, but it would be a good excuse to take a few days off work afterward (which I probably won't be doing anyway) and catch up with people. It'll be like our training days, having 2-hour debates over how many X-Men movies there are.

Okay, I don't necessarily want to go back to those days, and I know it will never be like that again, but even just thinking about it brings back memories and makes me appreciate those little things that you don't get to see until after an experience is over. So that's what reuniting would be like, I think. And then just enjoying each other as we are now, of course.

I think I'm going to always have an inkling of that "what if" question in my head - what if I hadn't been assaulted, what if i'd stayed - but as time passes, it has faded to the background more and more and become "what now?" So if it ever creeps up, I just think that I wouldn't be where I am if it hadn't happened, and appreciate that. Of course, that method is more useful when I'm in a generally good mood/state of mind than a bad one haha, but when I'm in a bad mood I usually just need time to think things through anyway, and I usually end up asking myself "why not?" and "what next?" if I think I'm not happy with where I am.

A lot of times, I think I would have gone on some downward spiral if I'd stayed: I imagine my relationship with D. would have been destroyed, I would have been unhappy and unproductive, and maybe I would have stayed but I wouldn't have gotten as much out of life as I could have during that 2nd year. But any speculation is just a speculation.

I'm really only musing these things for reflections-sake. I probably have before in this journal, so I'm going to leave it at that.

After a quick december and a crappy january, I feel I have arrived in a more centered february and will work to have an amazing march. I am taking a permaculture class and am envisioning going overseas and using my new skills (as I develop them....) to do what I really wanted to do in the first place, which is work in agriculture, which in turn will lead to nutrition.

It took some years of ponderings and pretty messed-up events to get to this point (wow...years. literally. i left for PC when I was 23 and I'm bout to be 26... ca-ray-zee), but I feel like most, if not everyone in my group is doing well and figuring things out, and this alone gives me hope and inspiration and makes me want to be one of those happy people.

And so: I am.

Welcome to 2011. -ar ar

(everything in blue was written on 8/30, all else are very random add-ons)

So, I realized that I’ve basically done everything I’ve wanted to do in my life so far. I’m at a really good place right now.

I know it has to do with having a job and feeling like a productive citizen again, and having at least some semblance of a plan to follow for the next couple of years. But a lot of it is about knowing that I did the things I set out to do: join the peace corps, travel, meet knew people, learn Spanish, know myself, find an amazing guy. I feel like I am growing up into the type of person I want to be, imperfections and all. I’m at a place where if someone asked me what I would be doing right now if I could be doing ANYthing, I would honestly say this, or something like it. I used to say (and think) that I wouldn't want to be doing anything... just lying on a beach somewhere, drinking a beer. And that's nice and all, but I know that it wouldn't satisfy me forever. I've come to the conclusion that, for me, if you do nothing you are nothing. O sea, who you are is defined by your actions. Yes, i know, that's a pretty old saying that has been expressed in many ways throughout human history, and this isn't the first time I've had this thought, but it feels like the first time I'm really living it.

I can see, now, my impact on the world and, kind of, my place in it, and in that way I can see how my actions affect the type of person I am - that includes how other people see me and how I see myself. This reminds me of stuff I learned about in psychology and have now forgotten about your 'ideal self' and problems that can arise when that doesn't match your actions and blah blah blah and -

Wow, i just had a realization about why i lost interest in psychology. What is a basic use of science? actually, it's in the definition of science. It's having replicable evidence and knowledge that eventually allows one to predict - and CONTROL - outcomes, right? i guess the thing with me is that i know that psychology is useful in the way that it can help people understand others and themselves and interactions, etc, and that gives us great power to manipulate situations...and people. But the shitty part is that technically ("ethically" ha) we CAN'T use those powers to manipulate people...they have to chose to do it for themselves. and that, i think, is kind of stupid. i mean, of course i understand why, because there's always someone who abuses their power (stupid humans...) and you can't really control something like that, but don't you think a lot more people would get the help they REALLY needed if psychologists just told them (or in a more subtle way convinced them) to think and feel in more positive and productive ways? Like if a girl has daddy issues, don't beat around the bush and ask questions until she comes to that conclusion. Just say "Hey, i think you're fucking that dude because you need a man's love and approval and he's treating you like shit. So if you realize that you're better than that and exude confidence, you WILL attract someone better. there are studies to prove it." I mean, so simple. People of course have choices to how they take that and what they do with it, but it just seems that even with all the schooling and studies and 'evidence,' actual sessions with a psychologist and psychological healing techniques are pretty lame and stupid. they are way too long and drawn out for what people really need most of the time, which is just a slap in the face and some balls to do something about their lives. I think i would just get frustrated being a psychologist. i have friends that have or do and i have myself, but i think the best advice and most inspiration i get is just from talking to people and seeing their point of view. and not everyone has that, but then if you don't and you go to a psych and they tell you to draw a picture or make a timeline etc...i just don't think that's what people need. Not everyone knows how to talk it out. Critical thinking is a learned skill, and a lot of psychology seems to be based on having people do that. I guess you could teach them that, but you have to be straight forward about that, too. I took a critical thinking class in college. I wasn't insulted that I was taking it and that someone thought I should learn. Psychologists just seem to be too vague or something. I dunno.... random rant.

back to the rest of the stuff I wrote a couple days ago...

..To me that's a good thing.

Granted, I’d like a little more travel to be involved in my life, but at the same time I have this love and desire to be with David that… how to explain?... it doesn’t take it over, or nullify it, but just like I want to have kids eventually but right now I think americorps and being free is more awesome, I think being close to – and getting closer to – david is more awesome. Despite my surface fears, I know deep down that he loves me and that has made me able to open up with others and show them the real me: talkative, bossy, sarcastic, a little wild, very funny.

I told my new coworker that I want to visit every continent. It just came out of my mouth today, but in the back of my head I was thinking 'and i will because I've done everything else, so why not?'

Anyway, that was a lot. I have lots to say about the economy, too, but I'll spare you. ha.

Am I someone that people open up to easily? I have another co-worker that ended up telling me all about her flatulence and what causes it and stuff today, and I didn't know if i was going too far with my questions, but she seemed interested in talking about it (we ended up googleing ways to prevent gas when eating eggs amongst other things) and when people seem interested in something i'm interested in, i just keep going. I need to apply for school. I'm super-pumped to actually know the science and specific things about food. I talk about it enough. I feel like too much. people are probably going to get tired of me telling them not to drink pop. but it is my passion. And passion is life, right?

or something like that... gotta figure that one out, too.

-aryn =)

Irony: Literally seconds after posting that last entry (my first in like 4 months, mind you) my mom hands me this envelope from the Peace Corps with a certificate of appreciation for my service and some paperwork about returned PCVs and how to stay connected.

It's like they knew that I was really ready to say goodbye.

Creepy.

I guess the guilt comes from feeling like I didn't do enough. Like I could have run, kicked, screamed, punched, shouted. Done SOMEthing more - made my point a little stronger - fought harder for myself. I didn't follow what they tell you to do on the talk shows and news bulletins.

-Do people even say "news bulletins" anymore...?-

But then there's always the idea that saying no once should be enough.

I guess it kind of turned into a metaphor for my whole life. This "not doing enough." Really it meant me not striving to reach my full potential in a lot of ways, in every way. It's stupid to have all this fear. If it doesn't get you comin' it gets you goin'. I take that to mean that if you have fear about things, about life, it'll either make you not go for things in life or will make you have so much anxiety, fear, and regret that you're not doing it good enough, didn't do it well enough, that you don't even get to enjoy your accomplishments. You don't get to enjoy your failures. You don't get to enjoy life.

It's so hot here that I miss the winter. I HATED the winter. I hate global warming. It's all extremes - everything that are body is working against. All anything wants (all nature wants) is equilibrium. homeostasis. Cheers to that.

Now David's gone to Chicago and I encouraged it, but I'm not so excited about it anymore. I played a big part in organizing a health fair that looks like it's going to be pretty huge, and he won't be there to see it. The volunteer who gave me the number of the volunteer coordinator at the place i'm organizing the health fair came in today and I asked him what he wanted to do at the health fair. He said "entonces, estas encargada con las posiciones de los voluntarios?" i said "si" and he said "mm...tiene mucha autoridad. mas que yo."

His accent is terrible. It makes me cringe. But that's a side note...

Then I went on to say that I had mucha responsibilidad, pero no necesariamente autoridad. Although Katie kept asking me things like where we should park the van and how we should put tables... little things that I knew nothing about and she does since she's done this before and knows how big the van is, how the people flow through the Fair space, etc. I guess it's nice, though...to have your opinion asked. To have volunteers under me, making the copies while I make the "important" calls.

I don't even remember how adulthood crept in. It's not completely here yet... I guess the American definition is when I am supporting myself financially, right? Or something like that...

i was going to say I miss Nicaragua. That i feel like i missed my chance to live in a hut. But, you know, a year IS a long time, and I swear at least 6/10 times I am taking a shower, I think of taking bucket baths in my family's backyard in Macuelizo, and I am thankful. And I come back here to find out I have skills to get things accomplished - that I was probably already smarter than a lot of people who are already in power and making decisions that affect a lot of us. And I think I got what I needed. But that's the thing when you let the fear subside: you can get something out of anything. I'm not afraid to say when I've failed. I mean, fuck if it's going to change anything denying it, and acting like failure isn't a possibility takes away some of the humanness of people. Takes some of the life out of life for me. I get clean, orderly people - it's nice to be that way. But I like a little bit of a mess, a little evidence that I had my hand in the pot, mucked it up a little, and ran off with a trail dripping behind me. I wouldn't purposely spread choas, but I wouldn't not, either.

I got my shit back from nica the other day. I say shit because most of it is crap. I did get this shirt back that I wore today and got compliments on from almost everyone that saw it. But most of my stuff, the useful stuff, didn't make it back. I thought about asking Nancy, because some of it I thought she packed. It would kind of upset me if my Mac fam took it in my absence, but it wouldn't surprise me. I left thinking I could just get new stuff and it wasn't that big of a deal but I guess i forgot things are more expensive here and it's not fun to have to rebuy all of your stuff when you know you had perfectly good stuff already. And then there's the principal of what's mine being mine and not wanting it just taken away without my permission.

I had a good conversation with amanda about that a few weeks ago. she's dating a guy from mexico and so is immersed in the culture. he grew up in the states, but he's 1st generation so he lives with his parents and brother and we were talking about how their mindset is much more of shared property whereas for she and I, if our brothers, even though we, too, live in the same house with them, eat our food or touch our stuff - it's on. And they'd better pay us back.

I don't think it's totally a bad thing, the idea of holding your own. It would sure take a load off my mom if everyone in the house, including myself, helped out more, at the very least with bills. That's the problem with "community." Usually, the few end up bearing most of the work. Actually, I think the opposite was said in an anthropology class I took. Everyone in the 200-student class was asked if they were hunter-gatherers and they got an equal share of whatever was gathered, would they go out and work hard, or just wait for whatever the others brought. I think the majority said they'd work because they wouldn't want to leave their fate to others. I think I put the opposite, just because it wasn't real and wouldn't matter and I wanted to be the sly one who got away with it. Actually, it may have been the complete opposite. I dunno. Scratch that example ha.

Either way, by modern standards i haven't fully reached adulthood, but I am slowly creeping there and it is just okay but I'm not afraid of it. I'm going to get through this year and hopefully learn something, hopefully not get sick of begging corporations and others for money and maybe convince david that we should move to europe or some communist country - just to do it before we die.

I don't think that nature has some plan, some goal it's trying to get to. I don't think I do either. I'm okay with that. Feels like 11th grade again. Where it's okay to not really know what my future holds, to not be TOO concerned with mapping it all out, to scoff at the best-laid plans. I'm probably going to end up back in school, re-educating myself, gaining bits and pieces of knowledge that few others have so I can hold my expertise over them and give them advice on things they only mildly care about in succinct ways that are so important in my mind but that they probably won't follow. Then we're going to fight more wars and love and laugh at stupid movies, dance to music, maybe weed will be legalized, we'll fight some more and yada yada yada.

-aryn

Sometimes it feels like everything has to change for one thing to change.

As goes with the world, there is truth to that. But not entirely.

Nica taught me that even the tiniest step forward is a step forward, and that even if there is a misstep after and you end up going backwards, you already know what you're moving toward for the next time, and are ready to go beyond.

So what does this have to do with real life? Application?

I need a 5-year plan.

I've been telling myself that i don't need a plan - don't WANT a plan - because doing that might lead to the exclusion of opportunities i have yet to come upon and don't yet know that i want to explore. But that's not really how things worked. If i hadn't planned and worked to go to Peace Corps, the friends, the connections i've made wouldn't have happened. And the thing is that at first I thought there weren't very many opportunities for me, many roads. But now i see that BECAUSE anything is possible, i am forced to think, to choose, at least the semblance of a path, so that I will be working with and towards the values that are important to me - my values.

I guess I have to sort those out, first, of course. I think I'm figuring it out, though...

On another note, apparently my stuff is FINALLY going to be cleaned out of my rented Nica room. I seriously doubt that at least SOMEone in the family hasn't been in since i left, but whatev...I think I took all of my movies and stuff - those that weren't lent out when i left. Not to say there's no trust...

Just to say. Man, that room was a MESS. how embarrassing haha.

-aryn (311)

This world and its wars...

>sigh

...but it's not hard, really. this is what I'm realizing.

wrote this a while ago... possibly in nicaragua, i don't remember right now. i think it was in my journal, then i put it on my myspace blog. now here. way too long of an introduction. ha.

Moving

I see you in a different light.

Your rights are wrong,

we spar for spite.

Your words of wisdom now desperate,

I can't hear my inner voice

when you talk over it.

And every argument

is a new part of it,

every new word

is bred of hate and hurt.

I can't trust myself to trust you,

so I don't know how to love you.

You make me angry, and I make you mad.

It upsets me that I've made you sad.

But long ago, I knew all along

I'd be on my own, so I'm moving on.

Though, when I've found my own truths,

when I've transcended all this painful youth,

I'm sure your words will resonate.

They weren't in vain,

I know in some way, I'll box them in the move.

-aryn

Things are not how I thought they would be. Obvi. (to steal a phrase from amanda...) Funny, though, that it would turn out that way, considering I purposely didn't go in with a lot of presumptions or expectations. But you can't stop having ANY thoughts or hopes, I guess.

Bottom Line: I expected 2 years.

I try not to, but any time I see pics of nicaragua, or talk to people that are there, or read facebook updates about how great things are - or even about how boring or hot or whatever things are - I feel like I shouldn't have left. I hate that it ended, I think about what I would/could be doing and that that should be me. I should be there.

It's getting better. The week before last I think I was just a big ball of anxiety as the pressures of the world (food, clothes, shelter, job) were becoming very real to me. But then I got an opportunity for an apartment (which is completely not a sure thing at all), which made me think that it would be possible to find somewhere to live - and in an easier manner than craigslist or another complicated, impersonal internet search I had started to do.

Then i decided to give the americorps website another try after having searched only to find a billion results to sort through, and I actually found a program I'm really interested in that I could use my spanish for in Seattle.

Seeing that opportunity was like getting a life transfusion. a rush of, just, enthusiasm coursed through my veins, detoxing all of the anxiety and other negative feelings that had been building up. It doesn't start until September, which would give me time to think about the future and kind of make a plan, and it's only for a year, which means I would be ending only a few months after I would have been done with peace corps (and with some loan-repayment $), and it's in community health, covering pretty much all of the topics I was JUST trained in.

I still have to finish updating my resume and do the online americorps app, but I finally emailed Carol at PC and she said she would look over my resume and I have David, of course, and my mom actually sent me an email of resume tips, too.

I won't lie and say i've been working full-throttle to find a job for now. But after the last two weeks (one of pretty much not doing anything and this past week of doing a little but not much), I am seeing that being sedentary, esp since it's already sooo frickin' cold, just makes me anxious. And it always has to a point, but before it would take like a month of not really doing anything before I'd get all freaked out about my wasted life and blah blah blah. Or maybe I just always naturally had something to do before it got to that point. Either way, now it's like a few days of laziness sets me off. And I guess that's a good thing, right?

My mom was really excited because she got High School Musical 1 and 2, neither of which she's seen before, from the library and she thinks she's all caught up on what the cool kids are doing now. I didn't have the heart to tell her there's a 3rd. Or risk that I would have to watch it one night at my parent's house (although I have seen it before...i.e. owned in it Nicaragua ha).

But seriously, I'm about to watch the first one.

ok, freak moment. Literally as I was writing that first sentence (after "seriously") my mom calls to say she's leaving her job now, and she says "Let's...watch... High School Musical when I get home."

Fate. Hilariously charming, bastardly fate.

Anyway, I'm gonna do that I guess and then maybe meet up with Kara and Alicia. I love that Alicia will always keep us all together. I am good at that in some ways... I can plan a random reunion like no other, but alicia actually keeps peoples' numbers and calls them and stuff. I prefer the quick and yet less personal facebook. Give and take.

i was going to blog about something.

about how it makes sense that one (me) would feel secluded and alone at a time like this.

and that these feelings are self-caused and self-remedied by getting out in the world.

how every human has the curse of being inside themselves. not being able to truly share emotion, show those parts of one self openly, give them, gift them, whatever. how we must put in effort to sustain communication, contact. how i could easily imagine myself as a recluse with only a bottle of gin (no jack, i don' t drink gin) and coke (soda, that is) and maybe a jonas brothers CD and my brain to sustain me. How it is my own effort that pulls me back in to the "loop," to the societal doings and undoings and whatnots and whoseitwhatsits. do i sound like bill cobsy yet?

and how that is what we are made for. "that" being a thing i'm unsure of now, because the thought has lost itself. but that we have consciousness and what is it for except criticism? analyzing action and reaction and assessing an saying you should sharpen this finer for the kill, you should kill him kinder because he only angers when you do... and so on and so forth. and mastering our gifts is what we have, tragically, failed at most obviously.

but it's NOT obvious. if it were, it would have been fixed. but maybe not. it kills me, politics. i was watching "Lions for Lambs" today and saw just a small part, but in it, Tom Cruise, who i assume was supposed to be a senator or someone in Washington politics, was telling (yelling at) a reporter (what's her name?.... meryl streep, maybe?) that she either wanted the war on terror won or not and he kept repeating it and she seemed flustered. this supposedly intelligent, bipartisan person, and i just kept thinking back to the require elective philosophy class i took in college about critical thinking and the "fallacies" and one included a fallacy about (i don't remember the textbook name) but when someone gives you option a or b as if they are the only 2 answers or outcomes possible. and i just imagined if i had been there, quoting that fallacy, and was disgusted that they couldn't (or at least don't) represent a person like this in ANY movie i've seen in a while. there were at least 50 kids in my class. i'm sure SOMEone was paying attention, because we had an exam on it, and why, then, are people (like really ARE) and are represented as these brainless, no-comeback assholesis lost on me. Does Harvard, does Yale, not have critical thinking classes? Why do the people in power seem to unabashedly NOT follow the rules that are taught to our (supposed) intellectuals in our (supposed) institutions of higher learning? did George W Bush learn about the fallacy Fear Tactics in his university classes simply to use it against the percentage of population that hadn't had the opportunity to go to college?

i know that's not fair. lots of people do it. lots of leaders do it. that is what is so upsetting. that's not what the knowledge was supposed to contribute to. at least, not the way i thought. but i guess that means... little. in the scope of things.

anyway. the blog was going to be about all that. maybe a little less. but my hands are freezing and i'm going to start dinner. spahgetti tonight. basic human needs, right?

ps. - i was upset about a new reusable water bottle trend - that could miraculously save people from all the individual bottles of water they've been buying - i heard about on the radio and said that i didn't like being back in the U.S. becasue of stuff like that si david, being an asshole at the time, scoffed and asked me 'oh, so there aren't any trends in Nicaragua?' i didn't know what to say, but thinking about it. no. not like that.....

ugh. i want some drama in my life.

how terrible.

-me

So, I think that's it...

I think I'm going back.

i'm home now. a week tomorrow night (well, technically thursday at like midnight:01). my, how the time flies. i've gotten next to nothing done, but this is kinda vacation, right...?

My mom's about to get home and surely will make fun of me for 1)being on the computer ("don't get stuck on the computer," she says as she leaves) and 2)not having cleaned ANYthing, like i said i was going to do in the hour & 1/2 she was gone.

When I got to the airport in Miami, I was doubting my own accomplishments, whether I wanted to go straight home, knowing that I would have to tell pleasing stories of all that i've been doing, and omitting at least some of the other parts. But then i did a small thing and got Yuca fries at a resturant while waiting for my flight. A simple and habitual thing for me because yuca is a very common, potato-like root used lots in Nicaragua, from soups to side-dishes (if you'd call them that). But once the fries came and i stood there waiting for the 2nd half of my order, 5 people in line, including the guy next to me and 2 pilots, ended up seeing them and getting (to me) unusually interested in what these things were and how i knew about them. (this despite the giant picture saying #15 on the wall-menu that the guy next to me ended up pointing out to subsequent onlookers after i pointed it out to him. and he ended up ordering some for himself.) I was surprised to find myself explaining what the food was and how it's used, but then also found myself proud after the pilots ask and before the 5th person asked from the other end of the line (imagine a lunchroom cafeteria line of about 10 people, me the second person and the 10th person looking down the tray counter and yelling down asking what that stuff is i have). At least I can say that I've started to accomplish one of Peace Corp's 3 main goals: spreading cultural knowledge of my host country to the peoples of the USA.

So that was nice. I think i actually disappointed the guy next to me when the 2nd half of my order was an american cheese, white bread ole fashioned grilled cheese sandwhich. guess i can't be TOO culturally expansive in one meal haha.

I'm not bored being back, but i just haven't felt super enthused to go out and DO anything like i thought i would be. I've been pretty sedentary and - dare i say - lazy, not really cleaning up after myself or doing dishes, which is something i always made sure to do before i left. I know that part of it is that i'm aprovechar-ing having my family around, who want to pamper me a bit, but it's not the same as a day at the spa when you know the people cleaning up behind you are your parents who have been working all day and already took care of me for 18+ years.

I did go salsa dancing at mad frog last night, though (of course!!!). It was pretty fun, and i invited Leo from...well, from 1st grade i guess you could say. I've really known him that long, but literally haven't seen him since high school graduation. but he came and despite the fact that i showed up with david and amanda an hour late, he was there and had made friends and ended up having a great time. I love love LOVE knowing people who are down for anything and aren't afraid to leave their comfort zones. so that was fun. and then the instructor who gives the free salsa lessons asked me to dance and threw me around a little, making me "look like a professional" so says david. plus i got to catch up with amanda and have adult conversations over wine ha, not like that didnt happen in nicaragua, but... i decided to go for Chilean merlot and i swear it was like 20x stronger than the boxed cabernet savingoun i've been drinking. go figure. =)

I just need to clean my room a little and find somewhere to put my clothes while i'm here. The hardest part so far about being here is not knowing where anything is.

The cold hasn't been that bad, but i'm pretty sure the temperature dropped like 20 degrees within 2 hours today. NOT kidding. Yesterday and this afternoon were like chilly but nice fall days and when me and my mom left the mall tonight it was winter. with FLURRIES.

Oh, i got my eyebrows done at the mall today. Threaded! It hurt more than i thought it would. I was going to have my mom take pics of the whole process, but she's a bad photographer (self-proclaimed) and it could've made the girl nervous and caused her to mess up. it was worth it, though. and i NEEDED it (ask nancy haha).

I really want to go back and be part of training the next health group in Nicaragua. It's really interesting to think that when I was in training, some of the PCs that helped trained are where I am now. I think i could actually be of help to the nex group, that the wisdom of getting through your first year is probably more important than the actual work and "technical" skills they teach. I mean, anyone can learn about the menstruation cycle. it's the 'life' stuff that's the hardest to figure out.

So tomorrow i REALLY need to deal with my med stuff, i.e. the stuff that is reason i came back early. I don't know how much i need to see someone, but i know it wouldn't hurt, and i think it is a lot, actually. Really, i just want to see Bren, though.

Life feels really out of control sometimes. I'm trying to just zen and do what i can. I'm pretty imobile right now because, since my parents (of course) let my brother use my car while i was gone (against my wishes...) of course it's got some problems and apparently shuts off if you go over too big of a bump and they don't want me driving it, and i really don't want to have to deal with that, either, but i'd really like to be able to get around and go grocery shopping. i learned in nica-land that a well-stocked kitchen/cocina is really important to me, especially with healthy food, and surprisingly that is NOT what i've been eating since i've been back, even though it was the plan. but that's not shocking because i've been grocery shopping for myself pretty much since i was 15 so i didn't expect my parents to have miraculously learned to stock up the way i like.

Anyway, babbling now. Or all the time, really. Watching a dancing show. Girl is wearing knee pads. Smart? Volleyball. Blog: over.

-aryn h

I am on my way to the states. One day.

Don´t know how to feel, but i feel good.

Don´t know what i´ll do, but it´ll probably be a little bit of everything.

These past two weeks have been... fucked up, for lack of better words.

No, it´s not that i don´t have the words. those just fit the best.

Nancy is a goddess. There are mosquitoes attacking my left eye,

someone splashing in the pool close to midnight.

i´m sure it´s not the blog one would expect, hope for, understand.

I don´t even know why i´m writing in here, what i´m writing in here.

I have done no development projects, no classes, no work, all month.

Feeling kind of useless, failed, but learn'ed, like i know what to do better next time.

That seems to be all that counts sometimes. Too many times. I should not be allowed to make mistake after mistake after mistake.

I´ve been smoking a lot of cigarettes lately.

If henry were reading this, he would call them straight ¨Locuras.¨ and he´d be right.

·aryn/erin

in managua. thanksgiving.

waiting...waiting....waiting.

eating at the house of someone who works at the US Embassy.

NOT the Embassador, but....ah well.

Amanda looks like elvis right now.

This week was a little...instense. the weather change and being around about 160 people for a couple days was just a little much. Not TOO much, but...much. now, if things go my way, i will be seeing New Moon tonight (no, did not read the books, no do not like the movies, but it's algo de hacer) and i'll be on the beach by 11am tomorrow. 10 if i'm lucky. i forgot to make the calls i was supposed to have made this week, but i'll make them tomorrow.

i really have nothing to say. Only a few weeks til x-mas. 'bout to make a list of things to do while i'm in managua.

1. get suitcase full of dirty clothes WASHED.

hahaha.

-aryn 256pm

the school year is OVA!

i don´t know why i´m excited, but i am.

i mean, i totally BAILED OUT on the school in Mac Urbano (as in just stopped giving classes there for no apparent reason that i´m not even sure of myself) and i felt like i had a lot more to do in the classes that i was giving classes in regularly. but i think this whole "teaching in the schools" experiment went well, for what it was.

I really just did the elementary school thing to prepare myself for classes in the highschool, but what i realized was that these kids need the information just as much - or even more - than the jaded older kids who have already experienced, in varying degrees, many of the things i´ve been talking about. i mean, before, i had a class range of 10-16 year olds. that can be a HUGE difference in experience. if i move onto the secundaria (middle/high school), all bets are off and some of the kids might know more than i do. they most likely won´t be asking me what anal sex is like, as in one of my most recent classes, but i wouldn´t be surprised by anything at this point...

next week (practically tomorrow!) is the All Volunteer Conference. All vol, say some. i don´t like that nickname, don´t know why.i just call it the AVC. i´m wondering what the security´s gonna be like, since we were on standfast this past weekend becasue of marches in Managua. now they´re going to group almost 200 gringos together in a nice hotel and...what? all´s safe and sound?

Well, i never really thought there was a real threat anyway. a bunch of people in my town went to the marches yesterday (saturday) and got back at like 2am. i know this not becuase they told me the next day, but i´d fallen asleep with the light on, reading, and so Gerardo from my health center decided to bang on my window (actually, it was more a scratching sound) with Hector, the security guy, and then hide and pop out to scare me when i finally opened it. My FAVORITE way of being awoken in the middle of the night...

god, i miss my poe book all of a sudden.

i´ve read two books since last weekend. i´m proud of myself. One is The Slaughterhouse 5, and the other What Looks Like Crazy (on an ordinary day).

so i have a little blog-thoughtiness to disperse from the other day when i was waiting to give a class in Amatillo. the back story of this is that...well, there really is none, but while i was writing it, this old guy that i had passed earlier asked why i was sitting on the side of the road (really just enough dirt and absence of trees for the ambulance or a motorcycle to pass), adn that people would think i´m a drunk or doing drugs because they´re the ones people pass sitting on the side of the road in the middle of the morning. he was right, and i told him so, but i was inspired and kept on writing...

5 billion acres of corn

When people see me on the caminos or calles here, they stop in their tracks and stare for a while - like deer caught in headlights or another, much-preyed-upon animal who´s heard an unfamiliar rustle in the woods. It´s as though they`re deciding if i´m predator or friend (or simply another non-threatening biological being, like a tree or a frog). I imagine it being like that for the native americans, seeing the white men and their shiny metal apparatus, large hats, whatever else they had that was strange and new. Usually they whisper to see if anyone in the group has information about this foreign being in front of them. When (If) they finally approach to pass, they greet sweetly and naturally, as if they´d never hesitated and i´d never seen it. Sometimes, if i look away, they just disappear. Onto one of teh well-worn but hidden paths i would probably never use. Into a world, a life, I will probably never fully understand. I´m like a car accident. "Rubberneckers."

I don´t understand "renewable fuels." The thing is, it would take 5 billion acres of corn, sugar cane, or whatEVER, to fill our needs. That´s not natural. That´s not the thing in which 5 billion acres of that land is functioning in the world, so obviously it´s not the niche any ecosystem has developed over the billions of years the planet has been in development. There is no "renewable fuel" to fuel the billions of cars, trucks and trains we´ve made. If there were, ok. So be it. But there isn´t, so why, instead of getting ride of the petroleum-badsed fuel we´re using, don´t we get rid of the cars? Instead of putting up giant wind mills, why don´t we get rid of the need for all that electricity. Oh, because we need it, right? Fair enough, i use it, too. But there are those who dont, those who survive without. And though the dream is sweet to have it all, what DO we have? What are we missing, what are we losing? These questions, ironically, seem to get lost when we´re trying to make what we already have in front of (available to) us "sustainable." honestly, that´s asssuming that it is. We always fight so hard to keep the status quo - even if we say we´re doing it nobly and with a good heart, good intention, and the "right, fair way." It´s still statud quo. it´s nothing new. Nothing revolutionary.

What we need. is a revolution.

I wonder what it will be like to go back to the states. The environmental science, resource conservation part of me. i liked Obama because i felt like he was saying that things could be completely different. That we didn´t have to rely on what we know or think we know NOW and that drastic change was possible and necessary. i think a lot of people saw that in him. it´s just easiser said than done.

for months now (maybe years) i´ve been stuck on the fact that humans have been around for SO long...and we´re still entirely fucked up as a species. and everyone ignores the countries that may have gotten it right in the best ways they could (swedencoughsweden). And babies keep getting born that need love and explanations, eventually. so what are we to do? have a World Hug Day? Bomb ourselves into oblivion and start all over? Take a moment to appreciate the little things?

I am an American citizen working in community health in nicaragua, giving classes to 10-16 year olds about reproductive health. i really WISH you could actually put peoples´heads together, becasue i think a lack of sychronicity of our consciousness´, of our knowledge of how similar we are and how deserving every single person is of the best life possible, is what we really lack as a species.

i love the little kids in my town. even fernanda, who annoys the hell out of me when she comes over and demands that we cook and then bosses me aroudn for the next half hour and uses WAY too much water for the 3 bowls and 2 utensils we used. I would be lonely without her. Everyone deserves love and affection and attention in it its most simplest of forms.

i´m babbling. i´m going to go run my errands and pick up some X-mas gifts for my U.S.Aing family and friends. Tomorrow i have meetings in the morning (unscheculed, but i´ll make them happen...) then esteli late morning/afternoon. Managua after that. San Juan Del Sur. beach sun. Then back here for World Aids Day activities with my youth group.

I am actually filling my time with something substantial at this point, i think. 3 weeks after that, and i´m US bound... i would say "home" bound but....

-aryn

i feel empty.

void of energy, emotion, reason.

my spine hurts, and this is not the first sunday i've spent relatively asleep, awaking only to question my choices and crave the cold silence of frontal lobe unconciousness.

i feel like if i just make it through this week, i'll be okay. all volunteer conference. managua and gringos, hotels and new friends. maybe a badass dance routine.

right now i feel like i am failing. not at anything in particular, or everything, just at being me. at being genuine. at being smart and witty and beautiful and gentle and everything i loved about me. at being good at figuring things out, fixing my own problems. or any problem.

my spine REALLY hurts. i don't know why...it's not like i was sleeping on a thin, uncomfortable matress today....

i actually have work to do this week. i want to start giving Tallers. I'm ready to be a real volunteer. i'm tired of being afraid. Fear and apathy have enveloped my life these past few months. just pushing through things to get to the other side. WHAT other side? what am i working for, striving for if not my own self satisfaction, to be able to pat myself on the back and feel good about myself and sobrevivir. There is no other side.

i feel like 5 years ago. lost. but in the process of finding myself. seems like things should be more clear now, a little easier. seems like. instead i watch the hours pass, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, and wonder when i will be done with all of it. if i will ever get an explanation, the one that i've apparently been looking for.

i want to write a song. i'm letting time slip by and not being fair to myself. i guess i thought i would have an adventure, a real experience, just by being here. but now what i'm realizing is that i've forgotten to live, to do, to create. nothing is by default. but living is just so energy-consuming.

i don't know what to do to be more sure about things. i don't know if it's possible to do anything or to be sure. i'm just talking locuras....

i should go now so i don't wake nancy up. and i have to take a bus pretty early tomorrow. i'm such a vaga.

speechless.

-aryn

Ocotal

i don´t know why i insist on walking down what i call "sewage street" when i come to Ocotal, but the past few times i´ve been, i´ve found myself attracted to the wet streets, green with the mildew, wash water and probably raw sewage pouring into the calle out of the houses i pass. This morning i saw someone walk out of one of the giant tubes that connects the street to the latrine on the other side. I think the attraction is that the street is not hilly, like the others i would have to walk down to get to the market area, and it´s pretty well shaded, also unlike the others. I love how the little kids can´t hide their smiles when they see the morena pass by, as if they´ve just discovered some secret treasure, or a new best friend. which i obviously am not ha.

Kids

I did have like 6 kids in my room today, for reasons i do not understand myself. It started with 2, the little 5 year old i used to fight with becuase he would only call me "Gringa" and kelly, the baby of the family i live with. We were watching music videos, the likes of Daddy Yankee and Fanny Lu, on my computer (the thing to do at 7am on a saturday morning...who watches cartoons anymore, anyway?), then came 2 jovenes from the girls soccer team. I´d bought a soccer ball for them yesterday and we were figuring out how many people were on the team and how much it would be for each person. A gran don´t come for free, and neither do soccer balls. I mean, the ball was only C$90 ($4.50), but here the balls get destroyed really quickly and easily, it seems, and i am not in the business of regalar-ing balls, so i figured if they all paid for it themselves they might actually take care of it (unlike the last ball that was donated by the health center and is now punctured and apparently unusable). so they were very diplomatic and understanding about their own responsability for getting a ball, which i´m happy about. So then there were 4. In came Kelly`s older sister, the infamous "Maria Renee" (imagine that name being yelled sharply about 100 times a day as she goes from place to place causing trouble only a 7 year old could...), and another 5 year old who is my new enemy becuase he threw rocks at me and Maria Renee one day (while playing with my ex-5 year old enemy, of course). Oh, and then there was Leonar, the deaf teenager who comes to visit me like every day now, and Danilo, who "gustas my pelo," wants 80 million pictures taken of him and who i´m getting sick of (and am very open about telling him...ha). so that makes 8. my room is NOT big.

The kids still pop their head in my window, but i´ve been very clear lately that my window is not a door and if they want to talk to me they need to come to my door and ask permission to come in. i like having a window on the street, but my room is not in the street and it´s time for some barriers to be made. And i think they´re all just now congregating in my room as I`m actually becoming part of the community, so i like it and don´t mind the attention, as long as there´s respect. and the kids are good about givign it if you ask and explain to them why you want things done a certain way. i just think they´re not used to being asked.

Work (Trabajo??)

People are asking to work with me. Give charlas, come to this, come to that. Seems like everyone except the health center. I think my health center director has given up on me. But the lack of support is getting on my nerves. I understand that i´m in a developing country and there are limits on money, but if they can buy piñatas and bags and bags (and bags... a shitload, i tell you) of candy for the vaccination campaigns, they can give a little support to their youth group project, which is not in-fact MY project, but the idea of MINSA. i´m using their guide, trying to communicate with their kids and being a representative for their goals, but i think the health center sometimes forgets that and thinks i just came here with my own agenda. so i kinda stopped going there so much, mostly because i was giving classes regularly in the schools and then preparing charlas at my house, until the Police Captain in my town told me he heard I was being a vaga and not going to the health center and not reporting to them (we have a reporting system???? sike.), so i started to go there again to prep charlas, but i still don´t have the time or reason to go too often. it´s just that the things i really need from them, like transportation, are the most unrealiable things to get. so i´m trying to find NGOs and other resources (i.e. the alcaldia and the kids themselves) to make this project work. So far i´ve been buying refrigerio for the promotores de salud.

Some agriculture institutions in town want me to work with them, which means opportunities to work with men, which is awesome. I can´t wait to see how nancy´s billiards tournament works out. I´m really happy she moved to N.S., honestly. before i felt really disconnected, both from Peace Corps and on-and-off from my health center and town, so when i wasnt feeling like my health center or Macuelizo wanted me or had anything for me to do it was like i had nothing, but now i´m feeling more connected, more sure of some of the things i want to do, and have more confidence that i´ll be able to do them, even if i dont know exactly how yet.

Ironically, and i really don´t know why, i´ve found that the hardest thing for me is planning charlas; what i´m going to say, how i´m going to say it. i have an avoidance relationship with the planning process because...i dunno. sometimes i think it´s just a lack of ability to make a decision - which dinamica to use, how much time to make the activites and the charla as a whole, etc. yeah, i think that´s it... there`s just so much content, i´m having trouble pacing it out. i want to make a series of charlas that make sense, that feed into one another, but then again it isn´t super necessary as long as you hit the topic you want to go over. there isn´t THAT much backgroudn information (if any) needed for the majority of the topics. actually, none of them, because the point is to learn something new, right? yeah...my mind is just back and forth on these thigns for no reason.

Maybe i´m afraid to start because i´m afraid to finish. afraid to fail is more like it. but still? i thought i would be over that by now...

I will say, being the leader with the whole Youth Promoters thing is hard in that way. What do i have to offer these kids? Am i doing things right? Am i the right person for the job?

Todavìa these thoughts are in my mind....

Halloween

I miss bren. fond memories of halloween of tennessee, 2004, 2005? damn, it´s been a long time... It must have been `04 becuase `03 was at OU (alliteration ha. or is it assonance...?). I want to dress up as something (as if i actually have for the past 5, 6, 7 years....and no, the togas don´t count haha). I might go out in ocotal tonight. i ran into someone from my town this morning (i´m in ocotal, obviously), who said he and this other guy skipped class in Esteli because they were going to start drinking. that was at about 9am. i love my town. I haven´t been out here yet, except with nancy when there was a bicentenial celebration, but that was like a family event and we were only out til 10pm at the latest.

Anyway, i want to do halloween BIG one year, but for old times` sake.

¿Què màs?

I have to poop. couldn´t think of anything else to say. actually i could, but that´s what i felt like saying. it is a problem here, with the lack of public bathrooms and all. That makes me think of Hana. I want to share stories with her...

There´s a PC cocktail party next friday. and then an all-volunteer conference the week of thanksgiving. then thanksgiving. then san juan del sur. then i actually have meetings with my Youth Promoters and agendas scheduled in advance as well as work with the men, and a donation of toothbrushes and toothpaste that PC got and decided to give to lil ole ME (how great is THAT???). november is going to be awesome.

Well, i should cut the internet time now. i´m still poor, of course. but we´re working on that. at least some of my student loans are being paid off and i don´t have to do anything to make that happen.

I miss my mom. and couches. I am getting excited to have my own house, more room, a nice view of the mountains.... I am going to miss livign with a family and in the center of town, but, hell, the town is like 20 feet squared, so i really won´t be THAT far from anything. Oh yeah, and cable came to Macuelizo. 39 channels. I might get that. (probably not, though, it´s C$300 /month.)

That really is all. I`m U.S.-bound in a month and a half. I still think it´s crazy... maybe I´M crazy.

with love,

-ar bear

p.s. - yesterday on the routa i was thinking about all of the random, unique experiences i´ve had here already. i need to write in my journal more because this really is a once-in-a-lifetime, life-changing journey that i´m on, and i want to take it all in and remember what i came here for and what came out of it all. i feel like i am full of love love love for my life and the world. *big smile*

I am so booooooooooored

I could scream.

Sitting in the cyber tonight:

"Erin."

"que."

"Erin."

....

"Erin."

"estoy aqui, que quiere??"

"Ensene las fotos."

"No. estoy trabajando."

.....

"Erin."

I swear they just love the way my name sounds. And putting their hands over my eyes. and right now touching my hair. But this is my home, so of course it's a love/hate relationship.

I'm going to cut it off. My hair, that is. Not because of that, just cuz i LOVE a change or two every now and then. and here the changes are slow and not dramatic like chopping a few inches off of your look.

People have actually been asking me to work with them the last couple of weeks. That makes a girl feel good. and a little petrified. but i'm getting over that. the work, essentially, is easy. a charla about VIH/SIDA. tell them how you get it, how you don't, how to put on a condom. The actual change, cultural, institutional, is not REALLy my responsability. But when you work in development it's really obvious that the behavior changes don't happen from one charla. Not even two or three. And the sustainability of the work is different for every volunteer. For me, there have been admittances again and again that communication and organization are problems for the groups and government in my town. Well, great. Considering those are kind of the foundations of sustainability, it's kind of disheartening in a way, but at the same time I think it's slowly making me more and more inspired to "poner las pilas" and at least try to do something about it.

I think they should do training in development work during in-country training. We had to sit through some of the lamest charlas EVER (sorry diversity charla -we took a vote and nobody likes you, regardless of who gives it), and in reality the things you end up needing here are the business and negotiating skills that anyone needs to get stuff done in the real world, not stuff about feelings. Yes, they're important, but I would have liked more practice and know how about how to write a presupuesto, a letter to my alcalde, contacting NGOs.

And it sucks that i never finished that survey about training... but really i didn't know all of this until the last couple of months. and i think everyone put they hated the diversity charla and they're still giving it, anyway. haha. i hate that charla.

So the cyber is about to close. early, of course. At least it's free. Even though the lady makes up her own hours, despite the "normal" hours only being 3-8pm monday-friday. you really can't do 5 hours a day? i think she hates me now cuz she offered me free internet and i take advantage of it.

i'm gonna go find a way to laugh. maybe borrow a movie. i found a house to live in. Pilar approved it, as long as i get bars put in the windows. I'm going to be in the states in a month and half!! crazy as shit! ican't wait to bring my foreman grill back...i just made beans for the first time (in my life) today.

My life is sick fantastic, what am i talking about being bored.

Ok, well i am but it's not too bad i guess. Just have to find something to do for Halloween. Miss my brenny!

No vemos.

-Erin.

Today, i made a paper mache baby head.

It's the first time i've boughten (that i bought...?) flour here, and i had to explain to EVERYone that i wasn't using it to cook, but to make pega and a baby head, ha.

But i don't mind.

I just spent most of my time at the cyber tonight frustrated...

The internet's free for me cuz the lady lets me put my cord in her DSL plug,

but it was really slow and of course i had people all around asking questions, asking to see photos, putting their hands over my eyes, touching the keyboard, screen, etc.

And then there's this kid who i guess was good friends with the last volunteer who was here, but now he seems to think all gringos have money and he asks me for something every time i see him. so our conversation tonight went:

Me: I need the super glue i lent you

Him: I was just going to ask to borrow more. I need some.

Me: well, obviously i don't have any becuase i gave it to you.

Him: can i have some more.

Me: i don't have any!

Him: but i need some.

Me: you borrowed mine... and i just asked for it back

Him: but you have reales to buy more.

It actually went on a little longer than that. i felt like slapping him. His sister borrrowed Cien Cords from me but payed it back pretty soon after. I thought he was a cool kid and hung out with him a lot when i first got here, but now he's just annoying. He would always ask me what words meant in english, and they'd almost ALWAYS be dirty or bad phrases so i ended up telling him off about that and making sure he knew that i didn't think it was funny, since after a while he was obviously just doing it to be funny and get on my nerves.

It's just sad, i thought this kid had potential. he's graduating from Highschool this december and i was GOING to get him something, but now...i don't think so.

This was a random post. the cyber is closing. I'm going to visit Nancy tomorrow!! so excited!!! sleep over!!!!

more exclamation points!!!!!

-aryn

"I`m afraid of finishing anything..."

she said at the beginning of her sentence,

taking a deep breath and letting it all in.

"If a cat can´t fish, he dies, can´t eat..."

She`d break bones to get to the meat.

I love the unknown

can´t stand the mysterious.

I stand on my hands

to get a new view of this.

But we´re all just the same

things we were born with.

All just us, with a twist.

Shoulda brought a book for this

long, long ride.

Because I´m sure someone has already said it.

Better yet, someone else has done it

even better.

But everyone´s still looking for answers,

for a mission, for some pride.

I have hope in the hope of hoping

And doubt in the knowledge of knowing.

I see patterns that I don´t know if i forged

or have just always been here waiting for me,

For the day when i wake from my sleep.

so i´m about to end my weekend in Managua.

slept ALL day today. didn´t go home like i was supposed to.

it`s 2:30am but i´m not going back to sleep. going to get a cab at 4am and hopefully a bus back to Macuelizo at 5. I have a meeting with the girls soccer team at 10am and with my youth group at 5pm. Didnt do most of the stuff i set out to do this weekend, which is not surprising. it was mostly phone calls and shopping, anyway.

So i was semi-inspired at the IST to make a work plan every month, setting goals for how many charlas i`m goign to give, activities, etc. i am definitely lacking stucture in my work and life and it isn´t a good way to live. At least not when i have stuff to do over the longterm. I´m suddenly reminded of senior project in high school....

ugh.

So Daddy Yankee was a little disappointing. But i didn´t get robbed so ¡yay! i love using a keyboard that has an upside-down exclamation point key, even though my apostrophes are always whacked out.

I´m just rambling and i think i will go lay down for an hour before i continue my adventure.

right. most interesting post EVER. La vida nica....

So much for blogging, right?

I´ve decided to do finally do what i said I´d do and blog to keep the world updated on my life and work here. Maybe it will be good incentive to stay motivated...so that i´ll actually have something to say, ha.

So...I´ve been in Nicaragua 8 months now. Wow. And in Macuelizo 5. Only 3 months until I go visit the states. Sheer crazine

Maybe I´ll sum up the last 8 months in another post, but today I´m just going to write about the last couple of days.

Sunday was a baseball game in my town. Good fun, but really hot, and towards the end me and this girl just ended up laying on each others´shoulders exhausted and trying to stay awake. see pictures below.. (actually i don´t know where they go in the blog).

ss.

m

Then today (tuesday) the health center distributed "cereal," this flour-like mixture of some kind of grains and sugar that are fortified with vitamins and minerals, to people in the communities. I gave a charla about nutrition and helped distribute the stuff, which consisted of shoveling bowl-fulls of the stuff from giant 50 lb sacks (actually 100lb i think, but it was in KG) to smaller sacks depending on what the people got (different amounts for women, pregnant women and children). That was tiring but fun. I like to get messy and sometimes it´s rewarding doing physical work that has immediate results when usually i´m working in a world of barriers because of language and the more "suave" work situations that need to be handled with mental work and patience.

Pictures, please!

I´m out of computer time, but that´s all I really have for now. More on the vida nica later!

-Erin 22.9.09

This is going to be a blog.... one day.

First, we plant seeds.

Then, we watch it grow....

-aryn