I turn 25 next week and I'm about 9 months away from being done with my service. This time next year, I'll be back in the states, hopefully working a full time job in engineering, maybe in Alabama, maybe somewhere completely new. I have absolutely no idea. I've already started job hunting. So far no positions for entry level civil engineers in Alabama. A few in Texas, Maryland, and Virginia. Quite a few up north, but I don't really wanna move up there.

Do I really even want to do engineering? Well, let's see: I have a degree in civil engineering, and I owe lots of money used to obtain that degree. So yes, I think I would like to do engineering, at least for the next few years. I should have my loans paid off before my grandchildren go to college. I wonder if kids will still be encouraged to go to college by the time I have grandchildren. Maybe school will be cheaper. Not likely, but possible.

Writing resumes and cover letters...not very fun. There's so many rules. Never do this, always include that. Countless websites devoted to telling you how to format, what font to use, what size, the spacing, overused phrases. "Sell yourself!" they say. It feels a little fake. Basically, if you can embellish the best, you get the job. I'm pretty sure applying for job wasn't this complicated in my parents' day.

I've been trying to figure out different ways to relate my Peace Corps "experience" to engineering. If you have any ideas on that, I would really appreciate it! I've tried to emphasize my flexibility and my ability to adapt to new surroundings especially for the jobs that said a lot travel is required. Here's a line from one of my cover letters: "The incredible amount of versatility, perseverance, and creativity required to be a successful volunteer has produced in the kind of character I feel is necessary to be an engineer in today's dynamic environment." That's tight, right? I would hire me with that line. (Please let me know if that sounds too corny. Seriously.)

So my last Jamaican birthday is coming up and it's making me realize how short of a time I have left here. Last school year went by super fast, so I'm expecting this next school year to do the same. There's so much that I want to get done, mainly compiling resources for the teachers to use when I'm gone. I wanted to leave some type of reading program in place, but I don't see it continuing unless they hire a reading specialist or special ed teacher, which most likely won't happen any time soon. I'm starting to realize how much I'm gonna miss Jamaica. It's the only other place I've lived besides west Alabama. It really is my second home. I keep imagining what it's gonna be like in those final weeks, saying goodbye to everyone: teachers, students, parents, taxi men. And especially my host family...that will definitely be the hardest part.

But back to my birthday...25?! Really? How did it get here so fast? I was 23 when I got to Jamaica. For some reason I feel like there's a big difference between 23 and 25. I just feel like it's all downhill after next week (no offense to people over 25, I'm sure you lead wonderful lives). There's so much pressure. Ideally, I would like to have a stable job, be married, and have a child by the time I'm 30. That gives me a good 5 years. It could still happen, right? I've come up with the following scenario: Some time around summer 2012, I land a good job as a civil engineer at an internationally known company. It's in a nice city, preferably in or near the south, that's not too busy, but not too quiet either. As I'm moving into my new apartment, a nice young man who also happens to live in the building offers to help me. You're probably thinking that this is the guy I plan to marry. Nope, he has a girlfriend. Instead, he hooks me up with his cousin or brother or friend and we live happily ever after (or something like that). See, it's simple. I'm a simple person. I'm not even picky about me. He can't be stupid, of course. I'm not a big talker but he has to be able to have a somewhat intelligent conversation. He has to have a stable, legal job, preferably with benefits. Don't really care about his race (although I kinda would prefer black, since I would love to raise some intelligent black kids to help advance our race a little and knock down some frustrating stereotypes. But if he happens to be Mexican/White/Asian and I get some pretty little mixed kids, that would be fine also. I don't discriminate.) Has to be a believer in God and faith. Personally, that has provided a lot of direction in my life and it would be nice to find someone on the same page. And the last thing (at least in this post), he has to be respectful and know how to behave in public. And that's it! Surely there will be a man that fits those qualifications (and maybe a few more) living wherever I end up sometime in summer 2012, right?

In conclusion, if you know of an engineering job I might qualify for, or a man that meets MY qualifications, or if you would like to send me a birthday present, please feel free to contact me. Tanks!

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; love leaves a memory no one can steal - Unknown

My host mom's dad died tonight. He'd been in the hospital in St. Elizabeth for about a week now, sick with pneumonia. They'd gone to visit everyday. Today, about five minutes after they left, the nurse called them and said that he had passed. He was 89 years old.

I've always had a hard time dealing with death. Not really the thought of death itself, but how it affects the ones left behind. I've never had anyone, who I was extremely close to, die. The closest was my grandma. When she died, it didn't really seem real. I stood over her at the funeral home, but it just seemed as if she was sleeping. I cried, but not as much as I thought I should have. I mean, I knew her my whole life. She babysat me before I started preschool and sometimes during the summers while my parents worked. I remember us watching Young and the Restless, One Life to Live, The Bold and the Beautiful - her "stories", as she would call them. Had to be quiet during her "stories". She made sure she was there for every graduation and awards day. And she would always try to slip me $5 after I would show her my report card, even though she probably needed that $5. I remember when she was a substitute teacher for a couple of years (in her early 70's), and she would sit at the desk with her large red reading glasses sitting right on the tip of her nose, as she alternated looks between the class and her Bible. She had always wanted to be a teacher, but had to drop out to work and take care of the family. But she went back to night school in her 60's and finally got her teaching certificate. The memory that sticks out the most in my mind is the day she rode with me and my parents to the University of Alabama to help me move on campus. She hugged me so tightly and told me how proud she was. I remember her exact words: I'm so happy I lived long enough to see you graduate and go to college. She died that same semester...during finals week. That's my excuse for not passing calculus...

I got off on a tangent, but what I'm really wondering is: how do you comfort someone who has just lost a loved one? I had no idea how to comfort my mom when my grandma died. And tonight, as I waited for my host mom to come home, I had no idea what I would say to her. After she got home and got settled, I asked if she was ok. She was crying, but fortunately she wasn't extremely emotional...I don't think I would know how to handle that. I stood in the kitchen with them for a while. Everyone was quiet. I ended up washing the dishes while they got ready to go to bed. I wanted to help but I had no idea what to do or what to say. I sympathize with them but I definitely can't say I know what they're going through, because I don't. And I'm bad with emotions. I avoid funerals because I can't imagine being around so much crying and grieving. I've imagined if I was the grieving person, no words would be enough to comfort me, at least initially; I would just want to be left alone. But that's my weird personality; I can't assume that everyone is the same.

As I always do when I'm looking for answers, I googled it. As expected, there are many many websites with suggestions. The most common suggestion is to just be there. Be there to listen. Be there to help with anything that needs done. And be there just for a shoulder to cry on. I guess I basically knew all of that, but for some reason, when it's time to actually carry those things out, I can't commit fully. I'll definitely be there to help, but the other "emotional" parts, I'm just not that comfortable with yet. I'm really hoping that I grow out of this phase. After all, I am getting older (25 this year!) and people are inevitably gonna start dying. That's life. I gotta learn how to deal with it.

I don't know about other PCV's, but I'm sure I had a stereotypical view of what Peace Corps service would look like before I applied. After becoming a PCV, I realized that some of my expectations...weren't very realistic. Here is a funny video that basically highlights the two extremes...

The funny thing about this video is that it was done by an RPCV (thats Returned PCV for those who aren't familiar with the many PC acronyms) who has since served in just about every position one can with the Peace Corps.

My favorite quote: "You will sleep late and read novels that never interested you to pass the hours." I can't even express how true that is.

Although my service is not really how I thought it would be, I am enjoying my time here in Jamaica and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna look back with fond memories and pride in what I accomplished. Not to mention I still have over a year to turn this into my dream PC experience. All I have to do is find a remote village, build a hut, start my own garden, and learn a tribal dance. I think a safari was included in my original dream too, but oh well...

"Keep high aspirations, moderate expectations, and small needs." - William Howard Stein

When I was about 12 years old, my family stopped celebrating Christmas, in addition to the rest of the holidays. The reason is because my mom became a Jehovah's Witness (google it if you want more details). So, for the past 12 years, Christmas has been a weird time for me, mostly because it was my favorite holiday when I was younger. The music, the decorations, the lights, waking up early to run to the living room to see all my presents, A Christmas Story marathon on TNT...such a happy time. After I went to college, I started "celebrating" again: going to Christmas parties or dinners, exchanging gifts, etc. But when I would come home for Christmas break, it was just like a normal day. No decorations. No exchanging of presents. No preparing for family to come over. Just another day of the year. To some people, that sounds sad (as said to me by some people). I actually got used to it pretty quickly though, once I stopped worrying about what people thought. Since I haven't truly celebrated Christmas in a long time, I wondered how my Christmas in Jamaica would be.

Here are a few differences that I noticed:

1. People don't decorate nearly as much. Most people say that they can't afford the current (electricity).2. No snow. If it ever snows in Jamaica, I'm pretty sure people would think the world's coming to an end.3. Not as much emphasis on buying gifts. I mean, they do go shopping here, but it's not as crazy as in the U.S. I don't think you would hear about someone getting trampled at MegaMart by a crowd of people trying to get the last Tickle Me Elmo, you know? Although there is Market Day...4. There is an event called Market Day, held on Christmas Eve, in different cities across Jamaica. Market Day (at least the one I briefly experienced) is basically where vendors with all kinds of products are lining the streets, crowds of people are walking around looking and maybe buying, music is playing, and jerk chicken is being grilled everywhere. It lasts into the wee hours of the morning. I actually know people who didn't return home until about 7 the next morning. I, on the other hand, was home by 10 pm. It was interesting to see, but since I'm not a big fan of crowds, there wasn't anything spectacular about it for me. I heard, though, that the one in Mandeville isn't quite as exciting as the one in other places like Brown's Town in St. Ann or Kingston. So maybe next year I'll try a different one.5. A lot of families go to church on Christmas Day. Now this may actually be common in the U.S. too but most people I know stay at home.

Thats all I can think of right now. Let me tell you about my Christmas week. On Tuesday, a few other volunteers and I traveled to the eastern part of the island to hike the Blue Mountains. It's a really beautiful area

I'm not really an outdoors type of girl. Never been hiking or camping or anything. But I wanna try new things, break stereotypes, prove that black people do hike and stuff. I don't know any black people that do, but I'm sure there are some. I actually have a list of things that I wanna try, but I'll save it for another post. So, in my attempt to try something new, I ended up getting sick early in the hike and chose to turn around and go back to Jah B's, the place we were staying. But you better believe I'm trying again. Before May 2012, I will make it to the top of that mountain.

So, while out in the wilderness, somehow I developed a swollen top lip. I ended up going to see our PCMO's (Peace Corps Medical Officers), and spending the night in Kingston since it was too late to go home. So glad I got to stay. I got to go to Pizza Hut and to a free charity concert in Emancipation Park featuring Tarrus Riley, Queen Ifrica, and a host of other reggae artists. I thoroughly enjoyed it, even with my swollen top lip (although it wasn't as swollen by then).

I returned home the next day (Thursday) and went shopping for ingredients to make my immensely popular and delicious cheesecake (for which I'm currently having withdrawals). On Friday, a PCV couple in Mandeville had me and a couple of other volunteers over for vegetarian enchiladas. Then we all ventured out for Market Day (see no.4 above). I later returned home to wrap presents.

Christmas Day finally rolled around and I woke up early so I could give out my gifts. The kids are usually the only ones to get presents so mom, dad, and sis were surprised when I gave them gifts. I got my brother EJ a batman wallet and I'm happy to see he's been carrying it around ever since.

After opening presents, we all went to go put flowers on Errol's (host dad) aunt's grave. She died last year in September and I think it's gonna be a tradition from now on to visit her grave every Christmas. I felt very honored to be included. They all reminisced about different times spent with her, things she used to do, how good her cooking was, etc. Apparently she even got to spend time with the PCV's that lived with my host family a couple of years ago.

Next we started preparing for dinner. I made my cheesecake and then helped with the other preparations. Whenever I get married and have a family, Christmas dinner will absolutely not be at our house...not unless it's a potluck. There is so much to do. And sooo much food to cook. Rice and peas, jerk chicken, ham, curry goat, salad, quiche, etc...not exactly the Southern cuisine I would have liked, but still very good. I was full as a tick. There were about 20 people total partaking, and there were still a lot of leftovers.

Sorry I don't have more pics of the food :)After eating and cleaning up, everyone just sat around and chilled. The men went out on the veranda and played dominoes. Some people went to sleep. Overall, the day went well and I really enjoyed it. My first Christmas in Jamaica turned out to be a good one, thanks to my host family and PCV friends. Love you all!

Tash, EJ, and one their cousins in the middle

Every since I got to Jamaica almost 9 MONTHS AGO (still can't believe it), I've been comparing and contrasting my life here to my life in America. From style to infrastructure to food to male/female relationships, multiple times per day, I find myself thinking: How would this situation look back home?

So, in response to pressure from JULIE ANN EMSLIE to write a new post in order to keep from being deleted from her blog list (love u Julie!), I will now examine the similarities and differences between my Jamaican family and my American family.

First up, Mommies!

Jamaican Jean vs. Alabama Sandra (I almost went with American Sandra, but I think Alabama works better. Don't you? K.)

Now, I think we all know that moms are the backbones of the family. Without them, the household would basically fall apart. These two women are no exceptions. Jamaican Jean takes so much pride in her family and house. Whether she's mopping, sweeping, and dusting daily, helping 5 year old EJ with his homework, changing 1 yr old Tash's diaper, or making mint tea for PCV Benita, she makes sure that everyone and everything in her surroundings are well taken care of. The amount of laundry that woman does is amazing. I'll admit that I used to wonder if housewives/stay-at-home moms ever really did anything during the day. Now I definitely have a new appreciation. Alabama Sandra, on the other hand, works as a billing clerk at a mental health center by day and a wife and mother by night. Because of this, Sandra's house might not be as spick and span as Jamaican Jean's, but I think it would meet most standards. She is probably one of the sweetest and most forgiving people you will ever meet, and because of this, has probably put up with a lot more stuff than most people would. But she keeps going, being a good employee and taking care of a family that doesn't always appreciate her as they should. I would say Jamaican Jean and Alabama Sandra are much more alike than different. They both are very dedicated to their families, although one is slightly more gossipy than the other. I won't say who...

Next, the fathers!

James vs. Errol

But who's the host dad and who's the real dad? Thats for you to figure out. I'll give some descriptions; you see whether you can guess who's who. James works as a correctional officer and loves to watch sports. Errol is retired and loves doing projects around the house; in fact, he recently finished a gazebo. James can make the best cheese grits...ever. Errol doesn't really cook much. You can find Errol watching the Discovery Channel one minute and curled up in bed with his son watching cartoons the next. James has been known to have Wheel of Fortune competitions with his kids and refuses to admit that his kids are smarter than him. Errol drives a Mercedes. James drives a Ford Explorer. Some similarities: both like to spoil their sons, both would rather spend hours trying to fix something before they would even begin to consider paying someone to fix it, and both can be very silly at times. Who's who people? Seems pretty easy to me. I'm gonna be really sad if I don't get any comments...

In the next post, I will be comparing the sistaz, the brothas, and the niece/nephew. Stay tuned!

One day this week, as I was walking past a classroom, the teacher called me over. After exchanging the usual pleasantries, she says, "You look good man, mi neva realize how beautiful you are." This isn't the first time a teacher has commented on how I look. One teacher has simply stared at me for a few seconds and then said, "You know, you're very pretty." Another teacher calls me "pretty girl Benita" sometimes. Before you start rolling your eyes, this post isn't about how many compliments I get here...although I could go on :)

This post is about the fact that I don't know how to take these compliments. I say thank you and may compliment them if I see something to compliment. But inside I feel weird...slightly unworthy? Especially when I hear from kids that other kids have called me pretty. They call me nice too, but I'm used to being called nice. I am absolutely not used to being called pretty on a regular basis. Back at home, I may get complimented if I'm wearing a new outfit, or if I just got my hair done. But just on a regular day? When I have mud on the bottom of my pants and my shirt is slightly wrinkled? When my hair is pulled back in a ponytail and is looking quite nappy around the edges? I would never get complimented back at home if I was looking the way I was that day or any number of days.

Jamaicans are honest people, at least when it comes to commenting on how someone looks. If you're fat, you will get called fat...or fluffy or my favorite: champion...so empowering. If you're skinny, you'll get called just that, or slimaz or maga (sp?). So when they compliment me, especially the women, I know that they really do think I look pretty. I've had self-esteem issues related to the way I look all my life (and other issues too, but those deserve a post of their own), just like probably every other female. When Americans compliment you, it's not exactly clear if they really mean it or if they're just trying to be nice or polite. In other words, Americans can be sorta fake sometimes (can you sense my general distrust of people?). So when I got a compliment, I never really took it seriously and because of my insecurities, I automatically assumed that there was some other motive behind it. Nonetheless, I don't think I've ever gotten as many compliments as I have while being here in Jamaica. I realize I'm only basing this on my one experience, but I'm gonna throw out a couple of reasons why I think this is so.

First, obviously there is a different standard of politeness when it comes to commenting on someone's looks. The average American would absolutely not call a random person on the street fat to their face. They might say it once they walk away, but most likely never to their face. But even when it comes to giving good compliments, I think Americans tend to keep it to themselves more than Jamaicans. Maybe your experience has been different? For example, women, is it me or do we tend to develop jealous or envious feelings toward a woman who looks better than us and try to find every flaw that we can to make ourselves feel better? (I'm saying "us" for the sake of discussion, but I actually never do that...) Why can't we give credit where it's due? It's like by complimenting someone else, we're decreasing our own value. Or maybe we think our compliment will greatly inflate that person's ego. But let's say that we did compliment each other more, not just friends, but people we don't even know...we may get some crazy looks, but imagine how many people might actually appreciate it. Maybe they'd felt or been hearing their whole life that they weren't attractive enough based on some unrealistic standard...which leads to my next reason...

There is a different standard of beauty between Jamaicans and Americans. Furthermore, I think there's a slight difference between the beauty standards of Black Americans and the rest of Americans. Let's take this comment that I've gotten from a teenager on the street: "Fatty, yuh body nice." In the US, that would be a contradictory statement! You can't have "fat" and "nice" in the same sentence, at least when you're referring to a person. Here in Jamaica, being thick is a good thing. In America, fat is not acceptable. Being anorexicly skinny is unacceptable too, but there definitely is a promotion of an acceptable skinny standard, that a lot females don't match. Now for Black Americans, I would say being fat is generally not viewed as attractive, although I think there are more exceptions than among the rest of Americans. But having a little thickness is definitely a plus. Mostly because it has to be, since a lot of us are naturally thick. Yes, I know a lot of us have some bad eating habits that may lead to our fluffiness, but when you seen a basically skinny girl with a big ole booty and thick thighs, thats not food, thats just nature. So when you have a girl thats thick by nature basing their beauty on a standard that they were never meant to achieve, you can imagine that there will be some issues there.

Another big discussion is skin complexion. It seems like no one is satisfied with their natural color. Some white people wanna be tan. Some black people wanna be lighter. Here in Jamaica, some people even bleach their skin. Yeah, its that serious. But there's a disagreement over whether they simply view lighter as more attractive or whether they want to be lighter in order to have more opportunities. The first option can be just a matter of preference...there's no underlying issue there. The second option presumes that there is still a system in place that sees lighter as being better: more intelligent, more attractive, more sophisticated, just all around a step above the dark ones...this issue deserves a post of its own. In Black America, I don't know of anyone ever bleaching their skin (except Michael Jackson of course, but he had issues), but there are definitely light skin vs. dark skin remnants left over from slavery and civil rights. I remember my mom telling me about how my great-grandma (who was mixed with a little Native American, or American Indian, whichever one is politically correct) would make mean comments about how dark my mom was when she was little. And that was somewhat understandable in that time, based on what was happening. I wasn't there of course, but from what I've been told, lighter black people got off a little easier than darker black people. And if you were light enough to pass for white, you definitely had it better. I'm assuming things were similar in Jamaica. So how does this relate to a standard of beauty? Is it simply that the desire to be lighter for wealth, privilege, and equality has morphed into a general desire to be lighter for beauty, with wealth, advantages, and respect lurking beneath the cover as natural consequences of being light-skinned. Does that even make sense?! Work with me people, I'm attempting to be deep here.

Let's talk about hair. Let's talk about the fact that a large number of Jamaican women is walking around with somebody or something else's hair on their head. Same for Black American women. Now is this simply a matter of hairstyle preference? Or is there a deeper issue that again stems from the past? Some would argue that by putting in fake extensions or perming aka relaxing aka creaming our hair, we're trying to achieve some standard of whiteness that doesn't naturally grow out of our heads. Some say that we're simply trying to blend in better with White America, for advancement's sake (I love this line from Chris Rock's "Good Hair": "If our hair is relaxed......white people are relaxed." Lol. I've actually heard of people not getting hired because of certain natural hairstyles, like afros or locks, so there may be some truth to that. Personally, I relax my hair because it makes it easier to comb through and I like the way it looks. I may try locks later seeing that I'm in the perfect place to get some. But do I have some deep-seated desire to be like-white? I don't think so. Then again, if it's deep-seated, I probably won't be very aware of it. I really don't think so though. As far as hair goes, I say do what you want. But don't be disillusioned and think that a certain hairstyle is gonna take you farther than your natural talents, abilities, and hard work. Your overall looks may take you farther (I'm sure I don't need to support this statement). But not just your hairstyle.

So let's review. First, Jamaicans think I'm pretty. Second, I'm considered pretty here in Jamaica. Third, pretty is a compliment commonly used to describe me here in Jamaica. Fourth, nothing else matters.

For real though, I had no idea where I was going with this post. My confidence has definitely been boosted since being here. I'm slowly learning how to take compliments. I do think that the standards of beauty worldwide would be an interesting discussion. I also believe that it's interesting to discuss what black people worldwide think of our race, not just when it comes to looks, but many other areas as well. You'd be surprised to find out the many different issues we all have in common. I hope to write a future post about that.

I realize I haven't blogged in quite a while. I guess I just lost interest in it. Or the excitement of being a new PCV wore off. Me nuh know. Anyways, I was checking my blogger dashboard and I noticed they now have a tab named "Stats" where I can basically view the traffic on the blog. It's sorta detailed too; I can see the country, operating system, and browser of the people viewing my page and also how many times per day people viewed my page. Someone from the Netherlands viewed my page just a few minutes ago! Thats so cool. Soo, I'm realizing that people (not a lot, but a few) are reading my blog and might possibly want me to update it. I've been selfish. I apologize. I forgot how much I relied on other PCV's blogs to get me through my long journey to service. Some of you reading this now may be joining me in March right here in sunny Jamaica. And what kind of PCV would I be if I didn't shed some light on what you may be experiencing in the near future? I'll try to do better, I promise :)

Since the last time I wrote, so many new exciting things have happened! Not really, but I'll try to make them sound exciting to keep you interested. First, I've moved to a new place. A really really nice place. So nice that I don't wanna show pictures because you may actually get jealous. I also don't want any nominees to get the wrong idea about what they're living situation may be like because my place is absolutely not typical. I feel very lucky and very blessed. And although it's completely opposite of what I thought I'd be living in when I first applied to PC, I couldn't be happier with the place I have. I was so naive. Me, living in a hut? Yeah right. So the reason I moved is because someone broke into my last place while I was sound asleep in my bed, at 6 am on a Saturday morning. Climbed in through an unbarred living room window. Scared the crap outta me. Luckily he didn't see me, but instead heard me get up, got scared, and left out of a back door. I then proceeded to nervously shuffle to the neighbor's and call the police. Their "investigation" was...interesting to say the least. Put their fingers on everything, I mean, have they not seen an episode of Law and Order, CSI, or any of the other million crime shows on tv? The assailant has not been found, nor will he probably ever be found. Unless of course he returns to the scene of the crime, which we know all stupid criminals do. We shall see.

School has started again. Officially, I'm working with 18 grade 4 students. Unofficially, I work with any number of kids who may wander up to the computer lab. I assessed about 30 grade 4 students who the teachers said needed help with reading and then the took the ones who needed the most help. I tried my best divide them into groups according to their levels, but it's so mixed. And honestly, each of them need one-on-one help. But I can't just work with one student at a time. Oh no, I'm a PCV. I need to help as many people as I can in order to feel accomplished. I need to show my Jamaican coworkers that I'm actually doing stuff here. I'm changing their country for the better. And they should be extremely grateful to me, right? In actuality, future PCV's, you'll probably need to have an attitude readjustment once you begin your service. You most likely will not have a huge successful project that touched the lives of hundreds of people, like we all dreamed of. It's definitely possible and you should aspire for that if the opportunity arises, but don't come in expecting that to happen. You may not have people appreciate or acknowledge what you do. You may have people saying you're not doing enough. Or people who just want you to get money for them. It's crazy how we have all these aspirations about what our service will be like, how happy the nationals will be to have us and work with us and make positive strides for their community. And then you get here and it's like...huh...this is not at all how I thought it would be. Even though I tried not to have expectations, it's hard not to. We all have that stereotypical image of what a PCV's experience is like stuck in our heads. It's very true that every volunteer's experience is different. At times, you have the power to make or break your service with how you choose to spend your time, who you choose to talk to, how flexible you choose to be, and most of all, how positive you choose to stay. Other times, though, things will happen that are completely out of your control. Those times suck. But hopefully it's something you can move on from. You wanted to grow, right?

Ok, back to my school. So I am assigned to a shift school, which means that Grades 1 to 6 meet in the morning from 7 to 12:15 and Grades 7 to 9 meet in the afternoon from 12:30 to 5:15. Do I like the shift school thing? No. Take out about an hour for lunch, a 30 min devotion, and other random class disruptions for each shift and you get about 4 good hours for the primary students and around 3 good hours for junior high. In my opinion, not enough. But as a volunteer, you soon realize that there are some things you just have to learn to work around. Besides literacy tutoring, I've also been trying to help teachers with different computer skills. Some want to start with the basics. Others wanna learn how to use certain programs like PowerPoint. I originally set up a schedule for computer workshops, but unfortunately no one showed up for the first two...after they basically asked me to set it up. And said they would come. But I've been able to work with a few individually, which in the long run is better I think. I installed the Mavis Beacon typing program on one teacher's laptop and she was so excited to learn how to type. Every now and then, she tells me what new letters she knows. I found a router in the computer lab and set up a wireless network. And apparently a couple of the teachers who bring their laptops to school have been using the internet to show videos related to the lessons, which I was really happy about.

Time is absolutely flying by and thats not something I expected to happen. On Monday, I will have been in Jamaica for 7 whole months. That is crazy. And it doesn't feel like that long. The longest I've been away from home is about a week, so I'm extremely proud of myself for not feeling as homesick as I should. I do really miss home though. My family. Mommy's cooking. My favorite restaurants. My favorite desserts. There are times when I actually sit and daydream about food. I've lost at least 20 pounds, so maybe it's a good thing I got away from my fatty southern cooking. Can't wait to get back to it though. Oh yeah, I've also missed what seems like about 100 weddings or engagements so far. Seems like love decided to infiltrate the Alabama air right after I left.

Speaking of weddings, my Jamaican coworkers are on a mission to find me a husband so I won't leave. Someone even gave out my number to some guy named Shemar, who called me and actually tried to have a normal conversation, asking how my day was and where I lived. Uh, I don't know you. Can you not sense the irritation and slight anger in my voice? At least he didn't tell me he loved me like a lot of other Jamaican men do within seconds of meeting you. I'm starting to think that men here don't have a good grip on reality.

You know what kids like to take advantage of? Disorganization. If things aren't planned for them to do every second of the school day, then they become psycho. They literally lose their freakin minds and cause you to do the same.

One such event occurred just this morning. About an hour ago. I had to write this now while it was still fresh in my mind. Ok, so this morning I arrived at school and went to the office to sign in, you know, like a perfectly normal day. After I signed in and signed for the computer lab keys, the principal and assistant principal informed me of something to the extent of someone coming to the computer lab, with a class, so I won't be tutoring today, but I don't have to leave, I can just stay in the lab with them. I barely understood what they said, but that's the gist of it. So I was thinking "Sweet! Free time today." Silly me.

I went to the lab, like I normally do, pulled out my laptop and started to check my email. Not too long afterward, I hear a loud rumbling noise. The sound of rambunctious muddy feet running up the stairs to the computer lab, anxious to enter my domain. All of a sudden, the doors swing open and a stampede of little monsters, I mean children, rushed into the lab, grabbing chairs, touching computers, turning on computers, turning off computers, and in the process, irritating the hell outta me. But the teacher must be behind them, right? Or at least the mystery person who's gonna be in the lab, right? Silly me again. Nope. Just the kids.

Miss? Miss? Miss? Miss? Miss? Can you turn on the computer Miss? Can I play games Miss? Does this computer work Miss? (Oh yeah, every student here in Jamaica, past and present, call the female teachers Miss. Sometimes they say the last name. But mostly it's just Miss.) So this is what I heard for what seemed like forever, in combination with the moving metal chairs. It was so awesome. Then guess what happened: another class came in. Great! Just reread the first lines of this paragraph and you'll see what happened for the next few minutes. But double it!

So I tried to calm everyone down. I yelled for everyone to sit down and be quiet, and everyone who knows me knows I don't yell. It's not like I thought it would work; I don't have a deep forceful voice, and I have this Southern American accent which everyone seems to think is so hilarious. But it worked. Temporarily. At first I told them not to touch the computers. "No, you can't play games, you're not here for that. I don't know why you're here, I'm not teaching you today." Then, as minutes rolled on, and my patience wore thin, I gave up and told them to turn on the computers. I figured playing a game would keep them quiet.

After about two minutes, this lady walks in and tells everyone to turn off the computer. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to figure out who the heck she is during all this chaos. She tells us that she's here to review for the Grade 4 Literacy Test, specifically with comprehension. Of course the kids aren't paying a bit of attention to her, so she uses my wonderful method of yelling. Not surprisingly, it worked. The kids were finally quiet.

So she passes out a few practice exams. Of course, some kids had to share...not enough for everybody. Then, she asks one of the boys to come up and read the first question. "Mi cyaan read Miss." "You can't read? Go tell teacher to write your name on a piece of paper." I'm teacher. So she proceeds to go through every single kid present. An overwhelming majority of them couldn't read the first question. She then sent for her 1st grade niece to come. She read perfectly. So then she goes into this whole lecture about how if they can't read this simple sentence, then there's no way they can pass this test. I totally agree. Then why are you here? Oh yeah, she even told them that she didn't want them to end up like Dudus, the now-captured fugitive that caused all the uproar a few weeks ago. But she also told them that Dudus was really smart when he was in school, one of the best in his class. How this helped the situation, I have no idea.

So by now, it's break/lunch time so I made every single one of them get out. I asked the lady if she was coming back after lunch and she said that she didn't see the point since they can't even read. So she left. After break, each of kids came back to see if they could come in. I politely said nope, the lady left, so you have to go back to class. The lab returned to its original quiet state. Mi happy now, although I just found out that the lady will be back tomorrow. Still don't know who she is, so for now she's just "the lady".

Fun times.

On multiple occasions during our pre-service training, we were informed, or rather warned about the attention and harassment we might receive simply because of our status as foreigners and the misconceptions and stereotypes that influence the way foreigners are viewed. For example, Americans are assumed to be rich, or at least wealthier than people here, so as a result of that assumption, Americans are begged for money and often end of paying more than the normal asking price for goods and services. We, especially the females, were warned about sexual harassment, being called different "creative" names, inappropriate touching, etc. The sessions covering these topics were absolutely necessary, even if it was just to make us aware of what might happen and prepare us for how to deal with these situations.

That being said, toward the end of training, I realized I was starting to develop a somewhat subconscious "harassment shield" ready to fend off any rude remarks or pick up lines that may come my way. And at first, I didn't even realize it, how every time I would pass a group of men, I would automatically expect something to be said. Or how I expected most of the Jamaican men that I came in contact with, even if they were nice, it was because they were only interested in one thing. In the back of my mind was all those stories from previous volunteers about how they've been called everything in the book and I knew I had to be prepared to handle all of this stuff that would undoubtedly occur to me.

In actuality, I honestly haven't received anything that I would consider harassment. Here is what I've been called so far: empress, beautiful, pretty, pretty eyes, pretty smile, baby, and some other ones that I can't remember. Now, it is possible that I've been called other names and simply didn't hear them or understood what they said. And it also should be noted that I am black, so therefore I blend in a little more than my white colleagues. And I've only been here for about 3 months, so there's still plenty of time left to get harassed. But my point is that it's mentally draining to walk around expecting to be disrespected or taken advantage of. And I think people can sense the fear and you become more of a target than you were before. Sidenote: There's this video of a white lady in an elevator who, after a black man enters, clutches her purse and basically cowers in the corner. Then he yells "boo" and scares her. It's pretty funny. Anyways, am I justified in behaving in a similar way simply because I'm the foreigner in a new, unfamiliar culture? Or is there something slightly racist about assuming that everyone here is a potential thief or rapist? The truth is that stuff happens. Even other Jamaicans are harassed and taken advantage of. So I'm not in any way saying that I should just completely let my guard down and be carefree because that's usually when things do happen. But I think there needs to be a balance.

There's a reason why I wrote this post. This morning I decided to go grocery shopping. On my search for a place to shop, I found out that not many of the grocery stores in Mandeville are open on Sunday morning. I figured that would be the case, but I really needed groceries. Since I don't actually live in Mandeville, I had no idea what store might be open at the time. So I walked and walked and walked and at around 8:45 am, I reached a store that opened at 9. So I waited until 9, went in and did my shopping, and probably bought a little more than what I could actually carry back to my taxi stand. By taxi stand, I mean the place where a group of taxis that go through my town populate and wait for passengers. It was only like a 20 min walk. I could handle that, right? So, after I paid, the guy that bagged my groceries walked me outside and asked where my taxi was. I told him I didn't have one and that I was going to walk. He asked how far I had to walk. I told him where and he expressed shock and said that's too far for me to walk with these bags. So he took my bags and walked with me all the way across the parking lot and down to the road and waited with me until a taxi came by. He stopped the taxi and told the driver where I needed to go and even made sure the driver didn't charge me too much since it's not his usual route. He then loaded my bags into the trunk, told me to have a nice day, and walked back to the store to continue his job. Did he ask for my number? No. Was he anything but extremely nice and helpful? Nope. He went out of his way to help this poor lost American and he wanted nothing in return. This experience along with many others has helped me realize how unfair I was in my thinking toward Jamaican men. Granted, there are some bad ones, just like in any other country. But I hate when the good ones get misrepresented. And there are definitely some good, genuine, hard-working men here who probably don't get the credit they deserve. So, I would like to say thank you to "that guy from the grocery store" since I can neither remember his name or the name of the store.

In order to create some accountability, I have a decided to make a vow to myself and the 1 or 2 people that read this blog:

I promise to update my blog at least once a week.

There. It's in writing. On the internet. So I have to keep my word. We'll see...

Anyways, on May 21st of 2010, I became an official Peace Corps Volunteer! I am now on my own in my (very small) community. As I mentioned in the last post (or it may have been a facebook status) I do love the quietness of my new country life, I really do. At times. But, the honeymoon phase is sort of wearing off and I'm realizing that, wow, there's absolutely nothing to do here! I mean, there's things to do, like garden, or walk, or sit on the porch, or stay in the house and watch movies on your laptop. Stuff like that. But I'm really missing entertainment. Or maybe it's just that I don't have my group around to entertain me. I don't know, but I have to figure something out. I plan to walk around my community and actually meet more people as soon all the rain backs off. They were having a drought before we got here and now it's raining 24/7. Glad to see the drought is over, but we need to find a happy medium soon.

In case you haven't heard, there's been a little violence in the wonderful city of Kingston over the past couple of weeks. I wanna say that the body count got up to around 70? I'm not sure so don't quote me. If you want more details just google it. Everything's quiet now. During the unrest, all the volunteers were on lockdown. We had to be in our houses by 6:30 pm. Now, we've been set free but we still can't travel to Kingston.

On the subject of school...everything's great! I feel like I have a pretty good routine established. I work with 6 students a day, 2 at a time, and it seems to be working pretty well. I plan to expand to more students later, but I was asked to focus on these 12 students now, since they have the Grade 4 literacy test coming up. The first couple of days definitely involved a lot of experimentation since I had no idea what methods to use or how much help each student needed. Oh, maybe I should mention what I'm doing. I'm basically trying to help them learn to read. Not just learn how to pronounce the words, but actually get an understanding of what they read. That would be called comprehension. Yeah, reading and comprehension. That's what I'm teaching. Literacy, thats good word. I'm teaching literacy. So, as I've been working with them for about 2 weeks now, I have a better understanding of each student's level and also what methods work best for each of them. For example, a couple of days ago, I tried this program called Spelling Made Easy. Yes, learning to spell is also a part of literacy. Anyways, the program involved sitting and paying attention and listening to the little British man on the screen. These actions of sitting, listening, and paying attention proved to be quite difficult for a couple of my students. I now know that those two need activities where they're constantly active. The program worked for most of the other kids though. Those are my favorite kids. Today, I worked with two new kids. They were on the list, but for some reason, I haven't been able to work with them either because they were absent, the sessions ran over time, etc. I found that one was at about a low to medium level. He definitely needed extra help. The other one...he could probably read better than me. I'm exaggerating, but I really don't why he was sent to me. My plan for him thus far is to work on comprehension. And maybe assist me with the other students. Overall, it's back to the basics with most of the students. I don't know how much progress we'll make before the test, but I look forward to working with them over the summer and next school year.

This morning as I took a shower, I was startled by the sound of a cow outside my bathroom window. That wouldn't be unusual except for the fact that my landlord doesn't have a cow. And I don't remember ever seeing a cow on my road. Just thought I'd share that with you.

Hello people! I'm starting to realize I'm not that good at this whole blogging thing. Oh well, I have two years to work on it! So what's been going on? Well, I'm currently sitting in a computer lab at a hotel in Kingston. I arrived in Kingston around 1 pm today from my site. Oh yeah...we got our site placements! For the next 2 years, I will be living in a small community very near to Mandeville in the parish of Manchester. I won't reveal the name for safety purposes. Just know that I'm in the country (said with a deep southern hillbilly accent). I love it. It's so quiet and peaceful. The weather is so much cooler in Manchester. I can hear the wind blowing outside at night, and I don't remember ever hearing the wind blow since I got to Jamaica.I will be working at the primary and junior high school in my community. It's actually one school; the primary students come in the morning until around 12:15 pm, and the junior high students come in the afternoon until around 5:15. Apparently quite a few of the public schools here are set up that way. My job, as of now, will be teaching literacy but I also plan to focus on ICT. So lets just say I'll be an ICT Literacy teacher. The grade 4 students here in Jamaica have a literacy exam coming up on June 15, so my current plan is to focus on the grade 4 students who've been identified as having reading problems. I asked each of the grade 4 teachers to give me a list those students, and one teacher gave 14 names...all boys. Apparently, there's a current trend of boys lagging behind girls in school. Are the girls just smarter than the boys? Of course not. But I've heard that some teachers here actually believe that, and of course that affects the way the boys are taught. The girls are expected to do well, and most live up to that expectation. The boys aren't expected to do well, and they likewise live up to that expectation. No this isn't the way it is everywhere in Jamaica. There are some really good schools here. And some really good teachers. A lot of the problems here can be traced to lack of resources. But you know what? I've only been here for about 2 months! So there's no way that I have a good understanding of the educational system yet. Therefore, I will continue this subject in another post in the future once I have a more informed opinion. Anyways, back to my school. There are about 600 students and 27? 28? teachers. Love the teachers. And the principal. My principal is probably one of the nicest principals I've ever met. Yeah, I've only known him for a few days. But I can tell from the way he interacts with the students and the faculty that he really does care. The students aren't even afraid to talk to him. He jokes and laughs with them. That's new to me! I have a good feeling about my school and I see a lot of potential. And it seems as if almost all of them want to find a husband for me so I won't leave Jamaica. I'll keep you posted... Since school gets out around the end of June, I've been trying to think of some potential summer projects or camps I could do. Any ideas are welcome!Oh yeah, the reason why I'm in Kingston right now is because it's our last week of training. We swear in on Friday at the embassy...yay! I'll be an official volunteer. Now, the real fun starts.

So, I know I haven’t really updated since I got to Jamaica. Sorry! I just haven’t felt like writing. I have stuff to write about. I just haven’t really had the energy. Training is from 8 to 5, so by the time I get home, I’m just ready to eat, chill, and go to sleep. And the heat is really tiring. The air conditioner has got to be like one of the greatest inventions ever, and I am REALLY missing it right now.

Anyways, I’ve been inspired to write a new post because another trainee’s mom (shoutout to Matt’s Mom!) read my blog, liked it, and thought I should write more. So I’m really gonna try to keep this blog running. The main purposes will be to keep friends informed about my life and/or general well-being and also to help fulfill the third mission of the Peace Corps which is “Helping promote a better understanding of other peoples on the part of Americans.” Now I know you’re dying to find out the first and second missions of PC, so here is the full quote from my handbook:

The mission of the Peace Corps is to promote world peace and friendship by: · Helping people of interested countries in meeting their need for trained men and women

· Helping promote a better understanding of Americans on the part of peoples served

· Helping promote a better understanding of other peoples on the part of Americans

Yeah, it sounds all sappy and hippy-like. Probably because it was started by John F. Kennedy in the 60’s. But it’s been going strong ever since. To learn more, visit www.peacecorps.gov .

Alright, so what have I been doing? Well, on March 17, I took my first plane ride ever from Birmingham to Atlanta. Quite an experience. Flight got delayed. I was supposed to leave at 6 am but left at about 7 am instead, which caused me to miss my 9:40 flight to Miami and forced me take a 12:30 flight. Safely arrived in Miami. Luggage was lost. Waited. Luggage was found. Waited. Finally got a shuttle. Arrived at hotel at about 2:30 pm…staging started at 12:30 pm. Soo, I was late to staging. Missed the meet and greet. Had to catch up. Got my H1N1 shot. Filled out forms. Got dinner with everyone. Etc, Etc, Etc.

The next day we all woke up really really early, left the hotel, flew to Jamaica, met staff and volunteers at the airport, went to a welcome ceremony, filled out more forms, then went to a hotel. The first few days are really a big blur. So much happened so fast. It’s tiring just to think about it. But it was definitely exciting too. All of us had been waiting for months for this to come and we were finally here.

So, now what’s going on is PST (Pre-Service Training). We are not yet volunteers, but trainees hoping to become volunteers in about 3 months. We have sessions everyday from 8 to 5 covering topics such as language and culture, safety and security, integration, etc. It would bore you to go into details. Basically, they’re covering everything we would need to know to be successful development workers.

On Saturday, the 20th, we moved in with our host families, who we will be living with for about 2 and a half weeks, as part of the community-based training. It’s basically to help with the integration process. Get familiar with the food, culture, Patois, etc. Then we’ll split up into our different sectors for our Hub-based training. Youth trainees will be in one city and health and environment trainees will be in another. At this point we’ll be getting sector-specific technical training. We’ll each be living with new host families and continuing the integration process. After about 3 total months of training, we’ll swear in as volunteers. Got it?

So, how am I feeling? Good. A little tired. Just taking it all in. I’m adjusting. Adjusting is hard at times. But it makes me stronger. That’s what I keep telling myself lol. I miss the US. I miss home. I miss my favorite foods (the food is here good too, but different; it deserves a post of its own). I miss my freedom; I should probably explain that a little more. See, Jamaica is a tad bit dangerous. BUT, foreigners generally aren’t targeted. Still, our host families and PC sorta keep a tight leash. It’s understandable though; they want us to be safe. Most of us can barely understand what people are saying here, so I’m pretty sure we’re not ready to just roam around on our own yet. Baby steps. I miss being able to just jump in my car, go anywhere, and do anything I want. I MISS AIR CONDITIONING. Can’t stress that enough.

In future posts, I’ll talk about language, culture, foods, and whatever else I find interesting. I’ll also talk about how I’m always mistaken for a Jamaican, at least until I start talking…

Laita!(Later!)

I'm lovin it! I finally made it through staging and am now at a hotel in Kingston, Jamaica. So far, everything's been great. The food, the Jamaican people, the weather, and I really like my fellow trainees. Everybody's getting along and bonding and just basically excited to finally get started with training. I have a few pictures and a video which I'll try to upload later, along with actual details of what has happened the past couple of days. We've been really busy and moving around a lot so I have limited internet time. Tomorrow we move in with our host families, which I'm really excited about. And Monday, we officially start training. Thats all for now! More detailed posts to come later when I get more time to collect my thoughts.

It's a lazy Saturday afternoon. Currently I am sitting in my bedroom, enjoying the sunlight from my window, watching My Girl 2, and continuously procrastinating. My brother's playing Pokemon on the Wii (what in the world is so great about Pokemon???). And my nephew somehow stumbled upon the new We Are The World song on youtube and is currently in the middle of butchering Celine Dion's verse. I mean he sounds absolutely terrible. But I love him though :) He's 9 years old and is definitely a future performer. He loves to sing and dance and show any and everybody within his line of sight. A coupla weeks ago, he asked me if I had ever heard of "the jerk" and proceeded to demonstrate it for me. He assumed that I'd never heard of it since i'm "old" and can't possibly know about all of the current dance trends. Little did he know that a few days before, I personally looked up the jerk on youtube so I could learn how to do it. You should look it up. It's not as easy as one would think. I mastered the "stanky leg" so I figured the jerk would be no big deal. But I was wrong. I tried in my room for a few minutes before I got tired and gave up. My goal is to have it down before I leave for Jamaica. I only practice when no one else is home though...can't reveal it til I feel like it's absolutely perfect, if that ever happens.

My brother is the complete opposite of my nephew. He's 11, quiet, and a nerd. He's a mini-me, except he's male and I lost my nerdiness my freshman year of college. I remember when he came to me a few years ago and told me that pluto was no longer a planet, but a dwarf planet...thats the moment I knew it, Jay you are a nerd. But again, I love him anyway. I actually like that about him. He always makes straight A's and is the top of his class. The achievement rate here in the Blackbelt, especially for boys, is pretty low, so i'm extremely proud of him. I hope and pray he can keep it up throughout high school. I'm really gonna miss my boys. I've been able to spend a lot of time with them since I moved back home and it's finally start to sink in that I won't see them for the next 2 years. How in the world am I gonna get on that plane in a couple of weeks and just leave them standing there? It will be hard. There will be tears. But I can do it. I'm hoping that my experience will inspire them to go after something they wanna do, no matter how abnormal or strange their pursuits are perceived to be. I want them to be able to resist the stifling attitudes around them that do nothing but suppress and limit their outlook and creativity. And I want them to not place so much value on wealth and material things, but to value education and hard work and use what they've learned to benefit others. I absolutely do not want to see them here 10 years from now, driving around the projects, bragging about what size rims they have on their car. I do not want to see them 10 years from now walking up and down the street all day and night, with no job or goals, except to get the new Jordans that come out this year. And if I hear one more dude walk past my house trying to rap, I am going to scream. Whoa, I gotsidetracked...

Yesterday was my last day at work, so from now until I leave, I'll have a LOT of free time to organize and pack stuff. I need to make another to-do list so I can organize my thoughts, but I've been putting it off because, well, I just don't feel like it. And since I just found out that there's a Law and Order SVU marathon on, I doubt that I will get anything done today.

We've been getting a whole lotta info about staging and our first few months in Jamaica, and I'm getting really excited. It's like it's all becoming real now. After so many months of telling people that I don't know where I'm going yet, I finally have a country! Real dates! Itineraries! Plane tickets! Concrete evidence! I remember before I got my invite, how people would ask me where I'm going and when I'm leaving, and all I could say was possibly the Caribbean, sometime at the beginning of the year. And they would smile and say how cool it was, but I knew in the back of their mind they're thinking girl, you ain't going nowhere. Not everybody thought that, but I'm sure some did. Shoot, I started to wonder myself! I have a 6 am flight on March 17 from Birmingham to Atlanta, and then a 9:40 flight to arrive in Miami at 11:48. Registration is at 12:30 so delays can not and should not occur. Looks like I might be one of the last ones to get there since a lot of people are going on the 16th. I'm excited to finally meet everyone face to face and be around people who actually understand how exciting and frustrating this whole process can be. We're all from different parts of the country with different backgrounds and personalities, but what we all have in common is this decision to take a huge risk to go live in another country for 27 months and try to make a difference, while at the same time, growing stronger and learning more about ourselves and the Jamaican people. Only 18 more days to go!

And I'm getting more and more excited (and extremely nervous) as the 17th of March gets closer. Many of my coworkers are talking about it too. I just love how I'm getting more random comments spoken with a Jamaican accent. "Why does everybody think they can do a good Jamaican accent?" I asked this to one of my coworkers. She replied, "Dunno mon, mus be da ganja hahaha!" Ha. Ha. Cute. They like to joke about how I'm gonna go to Jamaica, get dreads, and smoke weed all day. And of course, EVERYBODY thinks I'm gonna find a Jamaican husband, which is probably one of the very last things on my mind right now. I'll be too busy trying to integrate and adjust to the culture, which brings me to another issue...

A current volunteer recently wrote a blog post in response to a complaint by another volunteer about the party posters that he designs for people in his community. Apparently they thought that his designs were counterproductive to their mission as Peace Corps volunteers. So he wrote a post basically asking for opinions about the posters, if they're appropriate, offensive, etc. Don't know if I should go into more detail...so I won't. Anyways, it got me thinking about how I'm gonna handle my "integration" process in Jamaica. I commented on the post basically saying that I thought the posters were inappropriate and why I thought they were inappropriate but that he should just pray about it (since I knew he was a christian) and make a decision from there. I already felt a little uncomfortable commenting since I don't really know the volunteer and haven't yet encountered the culture that he's in, but I'm trying to be more outspoken, so I figured this would be a good time to practice lol. Sooo, yeah, now I'm thinking about how my boundaries concerning what's right and wrong may become a little blurred, especially when rare opportunities to really get connected in my community present themselves. I guess before I thought of my integrating as simply coming in, observing the community, participating in things I didn't necessarily disagree with, and respectfully declining to participate in things that I did disagree with or that went against my personal faith or values. And that probably will actually be the case with some issues. But for others, it may not be so black and white. There really isn't a way to prepare for this, I just have to cross that bridge when I get to it, but I just wanted it to be known that I don't plan on imposing my ideas or beliefs on anybody. I'm willing to change, I'm willing to compromise, and I'm definitely willing to learn...I mean, it's one of the reasons why I joined PC!

My Tevas are here! I bought 3 pairs: the Omnium, the Ventura Cork, and the Mush. And I got that 50% discount...yessir! And you know what I've realized? Outdoorsy shoes aren't really that cute. But! They make my extremely flat, arch-deficient feet very happy. They are probably the most comfortable shoes that I've ever worn. Style has never really been a high priority for me, and I'm guessing that will be the case in Jamaica? I've heard that girls there like to dress to impress, but this might be one integration point that I'm gonna fail at, because it is highly unlikely that I'll be walking around my community in skinny heels.

Here is the Omnium and Ventura Cork, aka water shoes and comfortable flat dressy sandal:

And here are the Mush flip flops with the beautiful Jamaican colors:

When I saw these, I absolutely had to get them. It's like they were there just waiting for me come and search the flip flop section to find them. Is it too much, too flashy, too overly-excited-about-moving-to-Jamaica? Probably. But I like em, I've already paid for them, and I'm not sending them back :)

For making buying music so easy and convenient! For adding new music to my library with just a click of a mouse! For exposing me to new music based on my personal preferences! You're killing my bank account!

Sooo, I'm ashamed to say that I bought not one, but two complete albums, a total of 26 songs. Now that may not seem like a whole lot, but for me, whose student loan payments are piling on as we speak, it's money that could have been used more wisely. Maybe I should take my own advice about wasteful spending, hehe ;) Oh well, I'll work on it.

So the artist who has recently benefited from my hard-earned money is...drum roll please...James Morrison! Have ya heard him? I think I likes him :) He's British, so he has an accent (I love accents), but you can't really tell when he sings. He has an amazing soulful, sometimes raspy voice. One thing you should know about me is that I absolutely love soulful voices and music, just plain raw talent, without all the technical recording tricks. Sometimes I wish I could travel back to the '50's, '60's, and '70's just so I could hear genuinely good music in person. This crap that they make nowadays just does not compare. Well. I think I just sounded like my mother. Anyway...back to this James Morrison fellow...I like his voice, I like his style, and I think he's original. You should click one of the links below and listen for a bit. Maybe you've heard some his songs. I still can't believe that I hadn't. Holla!

Today I read an article entitled, "Americans seek silver lining in 2010." According to a poll, nearly three-fourths of Americans think 2009 was a bad year for the country. Forty-two percent rated it very bad :( For the country as a whole, yes, 2009 may have been a bad year, at least in comparison to previous years. The job market sucked, homes got foreclosed, the economy was a little under the weather, etc, etc. Some Americans are justified in viewing 2009 as a bad year. But others...umm...I'm sorry you can't afford to buy anymore useless expensive crap that you don't need and that you plan to trade in for a bigger piece of useless expensive crap within the next year. I think 2009 gave a lot of people a wake up call about how they were spending their money and forced them reevaluate their priorities. Now I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with having expensive, sometimes completely unnecessary things that you want...as long as you can afford it (personally, I think there are quite a few ways that money could be put to better use, but that all depends on one's personal values and outlook). Being able to charge it does not necessarily mean that you can afford it, and I think a lot of people, including me, came to that realization this year.

For me, I would say that the year went pretty well. Like every year, there were things that made my life more complicated, things that made my life more interesting, things that basically had me on my knees thanking God that he allowed me to experience them, and things that had me questioning God and wondering if he even slightly cared about me. I've been stretched, squeezed, emptied, filled, and molded so many times this year and although it never felt good during those times, I know I came out stronger, wiser, and better prepared. Here is a little recap of my 2009, the good and the bad:

Bads: - Family issues flared up (can't go into details); felt (and feel) completely useless in helping the situation- Failed to help bring other minorities into my campus ministry; convinced myself that it wasn't my responsibility- Got my wisdom teeth removed (actually wasn't that bad)- Took the long, dreadful, 8-hour FE (Fundamentals of Engineering Exam)- Countless other personal disappointments that I won't mention; I can't put all my bizness out there for everyone to see!

Goods (happy time!): - Broke away from an unhealthy friendship; felt what it's like to be completely free - Finally let my guard down, got to know a few people better, and let them see some of the real me- Got to see the pride in my parents' faces as I walked across the stage to become the first person in our family to get a bachelor's degree!- Successfully passed the long, dreadful, 8-hour FE!- Got invited to be a Peace Corps volunteer in Jamaica!!!

As you can probably guess, I am ecstatic about the year 2010! Only 11 more weeks to go and I'll be boarding that plane to Miami to start a new adventure and see what this development thing is all about. I'll finally be able to begin something that I've felt obligated to do for over a year now. That's so crazy to me...it was the end of 2008 when I decided to completely switch gears on my life plan and throw myself into an extremely unpredictable situation. Who's knows what's gonna happen while I'm in Jamaica? I don't, but I'm taking a chance and I'm ready to go. Today is the start of a good year...

Does anybody else ever log on to iTunes with the intentions of just checking out some new music, maybe buying 2 or 3 songs and then proceed to purchase about $30 worth instead!?! Well that's what I did last night. It all started when I was looking up some suggested Jamaican artists on Youtube...that took a while (some of the lyrics are...umm...a bit mature, and the dancing - OMG!). Then I started looking up old r&b favorites from the '90s and somewhat recent stuff that I just hadn't heard in a while. I mean I just laid in my bed and literally listened the whole Alicia Keys' Songs In A Minor album (the first and best one in my opinion) on Youtube. And of course I just had to have this music on my ipod so I could listen to it to and from work. So I bought them. Music is so therapeutic for me; it's like I get into a zone and I just listen for hours and hours. And that's what I did...until around 3 o'clock in the morning, knowing full well that I had to be at work at 8. I'm not a college student anymore...I have go to do better...

Anyway, here are a few of my Reggae favorites so far...hope you enjoy :)

I would like to take this opportunity to give a shout out to the men of the Crimson Tide football team..woohoo! I am so proud to be a University of Alabama graduate right now! They played a great game and really shocked a lot of people (including me). Good game Tebow, you are a fantastic player and leader (and cute too), but...

ROLL TIDE ROLL baby! Next up, National Championship!

I'm trying to think of any updates I may have that's actually related to my Peace Corps experience so far. Let's see, after I sent in an official letter from my dentist stating that my wisdom teeth were removed, I was dentally cleared...yay. I bought a backpack, a swiss army knife, and ordered luggage. Yep, I'm slowly putting a small dent in my packing list. And thanks to a fellow volunteer currently serving in Jamaica, I found out about a few more discounts (thanks Josh! Here's his very useful discount info: http://joshnjesse.wordpress.com/to-pack/).

I also had some interesting discussions with one of my coworkers on Friday. One was about our cultural experiences growing up. I told her about how I had very little interaction with white people when I was younger. No white people live in my neighborhood, no white kids went to my school. There were a few white teachers, but that's it. Then, when I went to the University of Alabama (where you can't throw a rock without hitting a white person) it was basically a culture shock. I'm naturally a shy person anyway, so being thrown in with thousands of people I didn't know and didn't really feel comfortable with was pretty tough. But I had to adjust if I wanted to get through; they weren't going away and I wasn't leaving. It was a good learning experience. Well my coworker's experience was the opposite. She's black too, around my parents' age and originally lived up north (I forgot exactly where). For her up north, everything was integrated; it was the norm to go to school or live around other races. When her family moved down south, however, she was sent to a school with only black kids. That was a culture shock for her, especially when she would get teased for "acting" or "talking white." Anyways, we basically concluded that segregation=bad; integration=good! In general, anytime you isolate yourself to one corner of the world and surround yourself with only one "type" of people your whole life, you greatly limit your global outlook. You'll find it hard to identify or relate to people who aren't like you, you won't be able to look at situations from a different point of view, and you'll let stereotypes dictate how you view and treat people. The prevention of these occurrences in my own life is one reason why I joined the Peace Corps :)

The second discussion was basically about stepping out in faith. I was telling her about other volunteer experiences and how I may not have constant running water and electricity, no washer and dryer, etc, etc. And she basically said that she respected me for choosing to do Peace Corps, but she didn't think she would ever have the nerve to do it. I asked her why, and she said she would be too scared...scared of not being able to handle the conditions, scared of being hurt or killed, etc. And I'm thinking, "Uh, here I am, this somewhat sheltered girl from what has to be one of the smallest towns in America who's never been to another country, never even been on a plane, and you don't think I'm scared?" So, then, I basically told her that I didn't feel that we should allow fear to decide what we do in life. And that, if you're a believer in God, you know he is sovereign, and you have faith that he'll sustain you through anything, then there really isn't a reason to be scared. A few people I know who've been on mission trips have said that it seems like the faith of Christians in developing countries are so much stronger than that of Christians here in the U.S. I think one reason is because we tend to put our faith in any and every thing besides God, whether it be our jobs, our education, wealth, etc. We tend to become so fulfilled and dependent on these things, and we don't leave any room for God to really work in our lives. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "my power is made perfect in weakness." I believe that by taking this leap of faith to join the Peace Corps and allowing myself to be "weak", I am making room for God to work through me and use me as a vessel for his purposes. And I have faith that he will sustain me and strengthen me in my times of weakness, so there's no reason to fear. My coworker agreed and I can tell that she's become more open to the idea since the first time I told her about it, so maybe I can convince her to do Peace Corps one day...we'll see.

I've been asked this question a couple of times. And they're right...I can stay here and volunteer. I've done so in the past. And I will do so in the future...just as soon as I get done using your taxpayer money to pay for my 2 year vacation...just kidding :)

But seriously though, I get a bit irritated at this question/comment because, first, it's usually asked by someone who has no volunteer experience at all, domestic or foreign, and therefore has no room to question what I do. And the second reason why this irritates me is because I feel that it's a symptom of that mental disease that's way to common, that desire to isolate ourselves and refusal to view the rest of the world as fellow human beings who desire to be healthy and happy just like us. Even those who actually care about people suffering in other countries sometimes fail to realize that simply sending money is not gonna solve the problem. The problems are deeper than that and way too complicated for the hands-off approach to work. I could go on and on about issues with the "aid" that's given to developing countries, but one of the main reasons I chose to do Peace Corps is because I really wasn't ready to fall into a routine...that daily grind of making bills, going to work to pay off those bills, and trying to enjoy life in between. I wanted to be removed from my comfort zones and everything I've always known and push myself to adjust to, live in, learn from, and love a completely different group of people with a completely different culture. And I also feel like I may be interested in a career in international development, so let's hope that my 2 years in Jamaica go well! If not, I'll come back and figure out how can best serve people here. Either way, any decision I make will be guided by God and in the end, His blessing is the only approval that I need :)

In other news...

I'm ready to share my packing/shopping/wish list! As in I WISH that I could pay for half the stuff I need to buy before I leave. I've been internet shopping for the past couple of days...I don't do the Black Friday thing...didn't feel like being trampled and crushed under a crowd of people running to get the last Nintendo Wii. I managed to find a lot of deals online including a PCV discount with Teva. This list will undoubtedly be modified/reduced before I leave but here is what I'm hoping to bring:

- 3 dresses - netbook and speakers

- 3 skirts - high capacity jump drive

- 5 blouses - digital camera

- 5 casual shirts - surge protector

- 5 pairs of dress pants - ipod & docking station

- 4 pairs of jeans - shortwave radio

- 4 pairs of shorts/capris - batteries

- (?) t-shirts - games (dominoes, cards, etc.)

- 2 bathing suits - many books

- 1 light sweater/jacket - coloring books and crayons

- 1 pair of closed toed dress shoes - pens and pencils

- 1 pair of Teva water sandals - world map

- 2 pairs of flip flops - gifts for host family

- 2 pairs of Teva dressy sandals - pictures from home

- 2 pairs of tennis shoes - sunglasses

- multiple underwears - water-resistant watch

- 4 bras/2 sports bras - umbrella

- 2 slips - plastic water bottle

- socks - 3-M wall hanging products

- pjs/sleeping clothes - roll of duct tape

- combs - swiss army knife

- hair ties and clips - full size sheets

- flat iron - envelopes and stamps

- shampoo and conditioner - flashlight

- hair moisturizer - large rolling duffel bag

- small mirror - smaller duffel

- nail clippers/nail file - backpack

- pack of razors - small messenger bag

- eyeglasses

- contact lenses

- contact lens solution

- feminine hygiene products

- 2 towels/2 washcloths

- soap

- lotion

- toothbrush and toothpaste

- deodorant

Now I realize that this list looks very long, but a lot of the items are small, so I should be able to pack everything, right? If you have any suggestions or comments, please feel free to chime in.

Thanks for reading! See ya next time!

Soooo, apparently some dental surgeon person took my wisdom teeth yesterday. And in their place, he left gaps that have been causing me quite a bit of discomfort in the last 24 hours. And guess what? I actually paid him to do this! What was I thinking?

Ok, I admit it, I signed up to have my wisdom teeth removed because the Peace Corps said that I wouldn't be able to receive my plane ticket unless I did so. So, yeah, I obeyed. I refused to let this stand in the way of me going to Jamaica!

You wanna hear about my whole surgical experience? I know you do! Even if you don't, I'm gonna tell it anyway...so here it goes. First, I woke up at about 8:30, took a shower, packed some clothes (since I'm staying with parents for the weekend), and took anti-bacterial infection medicine. Then, my dad picked me up from my apartment and we drove to the dentist office. My mom met us there. Not too long after I checked in, they called me back...to pay for the surgery. The total was around $1100, but my insurance paid for most of it, so I only had to pay $387, which is still a lot to me, but much better than $1100. So then I returned to the waiting room until they called me back again to get started. I couldn't wear contacts or glasses during the surgery, so I was as blind as a bat as I followed the nurse to my room. Well, I could vaguely make out shapes and faces. The "recovery area" was right next to my room, so I could look out and see the other patients who'd just had their teeth removed. One girl was crying...I got nervous.

When I got to my room, I laid down in the operating chair and the nurse took my blood pressure, stuck 2 heart monitors on my chest, and set up the IV tube thingy in my right arm. Then, I waited. As I waited, I could hear more patients being transported to and from the recovery area; some were fine, others could barely walk. I could also hear a country music station playing in the background...not really my favorite genre, but was surprisingly relaxing yesterday. After about 45 minutes, the dentist came in and the usual pleasantries were exchanged. As he was talking to another nurse, he started to fumble around with my IV. I was under the impression that he would inform me before he drugged me up, but apparently that's not necessary. So sometime between that point and me waking up disoriented, they removed my teeth. I don't remember a thing.

After I woke up, a nurse assisted me to the recovery area where I laid back in a recliner until they felt I was "recovered" enough to walk to the car. I met my parents at the door in the pick-up area, they helped me get into the car, and we drove home. My routine, since coming home, has been the following: remove bloody guaze from mouth, drink liquids, take meds, eat mashed potatoes, replace guaze, feel nauseous, go to sleep, wake up, and repeat. I'm feeling much better now though...the pain is subsiding and i'm eating more solid food. Ok, i'm starting to feel nauseous again, so it must be time for another nap. Thanks for reading this incredibly exciting post! There's many more to come...

Right after surgery...

Today, after many hours of recovery...

Hey all! My name is Benita Tubbs and i'll be leaving for Jamaica on March 17, 2010 to serve as an ICT (Information and Communications Technology) Advisor for the Peace Corps. It's been a long time coming...here is a general timeline:

November 7, 2008: Submitted Application

December 15, 2008: Interview with Recruiter and nominated for SSA (Sub-saharan Africa) teaching secondary math, leaving August 2009

February 10, 2009: Nomination changed to ICT Caribbean, leaving February 2010

April 2009: Medically, legally, and dentally cleared (contingent upon the removal of my wisdom teeth)

May - August 2009: LONG, AGONIZING WAIT

August 28, 2009: Finally received my big blue envelope for Jamaica!!! Oh happy day!

So now i'm waiting to leave the country, trying to prepare myself for this adventure, but having no idea how to carry this out. I'm having my wisdom teeth removed next Friday (as recommended by the Peace Corps). I've made about 3 to-do lists and 2 packing lists and so far I've submitted my passport and visa applications, my updated resume and aspiration statement, and bought a surge protector...I'm not one to move quickly. I'm sure i'll get everything done at the last minute like I always do...it's so much more exciting! I am very thankful though that I received my invitation 6 months in advance; apparently that's extremely rare.

I'll try to keep this blog updated, but since i'm not leaving for a few months, I probably won't have anything exciting to report. But if I do, I promise to publicize it to the world! I've never done a blog, and I really don't feel like i'm entertaining or witty enough to make this enjoyable. But since everyone is doing it, I thought I'd give it a try :)