Two years ago today, I arrived in Guatemala. Two years ago today, I feel as if my real life paused and I embarked upon some crazy journey of self-realization full of lessons in compassion, understanding, strength, self-worth, desire, and drive. This paused section has been so incredibly unreal yet so painfully real at the same time. I feel I will unpause my real life as an entirely new person. While I am still fundamentally and very much the same Amanda, I am so much more Amanda than I ever knew possible. And I am excited to be this and grow from this exponentially more aware and conscientious point evermore for the rest of my life.

I’m sitting here eating no-bakes, my Gran’s very amazing recipe and my most happy food of all foods, as my first meal at 1:30pm today. I woke up at about 4am feeling feverish and achy in my entire body, for who-knows-what-reason… not the first of this type of day here in Guatemala. I’m sure, as I know how appreciating your food is good for everyone, that these no-bakes will cure me—full of sugar as they are. So, feeling sick as I was, I got to fijate que my ladies this morning, whom I was supposed to accompany on one of their many campaigns to give eye exams and sell eye glasses, eye drops, energy-saving light bulbs, solar-charged lamps (which are ever-so-useful here where electricity is scarce in so many of the remote villages these ladies do campaigns in), and water filters. I was feeling too ill to help them today with their inventory and sales and be the “gringa” publicity they so appreciate having. But, they got to do it ON THEIR OWN today!! These two ladies, Romelia and Flory, are members of one of the women’s groups I have worked with since about a year ago and have really blossomed since they began doing these campaigns in May. It is amazing to see two women from the campo step up to learn a little business and take charge in doing so. Thanks to Soluciones Comunitarias, they have become entirely new people. YAY! One piece of gratifying work I can say I helped achieve here. And very gratifying it is, indeed.

Well, the entire week has been full of fijate que’s, since I was supposed to give a charla on greenhouses, give two charlas on HIV/AIDS, and accompany these ladies this morning for their campaña. The greenhouse charla was put aside for my studying for the GRE’s (which I take next Tuesday – YIKES), and the other two because the educadora I work with at the Centro de Salud had too much going on and one of our communities decided to have a día deportiva and play futbol all afternoon instead of learning—of course. But, having had the two years I’ve had, this week was just fine. I mean, I really need to study for the GRE’s, and I wasn’t feeling that well, so I decided not to get upset about all the fijate que’ing. It’s life, here, we roll with it.

Besides, earlier this week, I was put at ease and relieved of my resentment and regrets for all of my service. As I was proudly showing my counterpart how I’d formatted the business plan that we were supposed to be working on that he kept telling me he didn’t have time to do with me, he said, “wow, Amanda, that’s great! You’ve done such great work… I feel BAD and sad that I haven’t made that much time to work with you while you were here. You’ve had very valuable things to share and it’s a shame we were so busy and couldn’t make the time.” I have spent countless hours tormenting myself on the undone work I came here to do and my frustration at how DIFFICULT it has been to find my work niche here. I’ve felt like I haven’t tried hard enough or have limited myself too much out of fear for not being able to succeed. I suppose the last sentence wasn’t totally nullified by my counterpart’s acknowledgment of his faults in this whole process, but my relief came in realizing that I really have made an effort and have brought forth very valuable things to share. It wasn’t all my fault that this has been SO hard for me. At least now I can go home knowing that I made an honest effort and really was appreciated while I was here. That is the best kind of thing to know about something as challenging as the Peace Corps, in my opinion. ALSO, the people I work with at ADICTA have JUST THIS WEEK started to write their sales and purchases down in our registro. I told them that I would no longer do it and that they HAD to remember, since there was no one coming in to replace me or to do this job for them, and they would never know whether they were gaining or losing money if they didn’t. They also would never know how many sales of whichever products they’d made in any particular year when people ask them this information because they’re trying to help them grown. SO THEY’RE DOING IT NOW! And they kept saying, “well, we’d better record this so Amanda doesn’t regañarnos.” J You’re damn right.

On the other side of things, my personal relationships in Guatemala, with Guatemalans and other Americans alike, have been so incredibly gratifying and real and humbling and strengthening. My host families here are so wonderful… I feel so entirely at home with them that I forget I need to speak Spanish when I’m around them and find myself saying things in English to them, expecting them to respond. WHOOPS. I love them so much, and I feel very much that it is mutual. My host mom, Sarita, was granted her travel visa and is going to accompany me home on September 30th. SEPTEMBER 30TH. So soon. She will spend a few days with me and my family before we accompany her to San Francisco to visit her brothers whom she hasn’t seen in I-don’t-know-how-many years. She has even toyed with the idea of teaching my family how to make paches, which are tamales made with potato instead of cornmeal. SO delicious. The tamales they make here are not like the Mexican ones we buy in California… they are very soft and have only a little bit of meat inside (which I feel we can augment in our potentially new California version). So I am excited and looking forward to this lesson from my chiquita momma Sarita. My other host family, Joe’s host family, have been visiting the states for years and I look forward to hearing from them and making plans to see them when they come to Los Angeles in the future. I tease my momma Alis that I will drive her from LA to Sacramento so she can see my home – she tells me she will spend the entire six hours holding on for dear life because she is convinced I can’t drive. Maybe she is right. In any case, there is real love in this part of my world. I will always hold it as a very dear part of me.

My Peace Corps friends, as I have mentioned innumerous times, have been my saving grace. Thanks to Peace Corps’ buying us phones and giving us a plan where we can talk to any volunteer for FREE, I have spent hours and hours talking to my friends about all of our woes and happiness, and call almost every day just to say something that’s frustrating me or making me happy. Is this interdependency good? I don’t know. But it has been nice to have that type of support. In any case, they are amazing people and because of how hard this has been for all of us, we have grown tremendously together. We know each other in a way that two years could not possibly allow most friends in the United States. One’s fellow Peace Corps trainees/volunteers are almost guaranteed instant family members. They will never leave my heart. Lucky for me, three of my closest Peace Corps friends will be in Sacramento (!!!!) so I will get to continue this relationship I’ve so grown accustomed to. I can’t wait. I can’t wait to do it in my REAL life. J

So next week is our COS (Close-of-Service) Conference. The day after my GRE’s (AHHHHH). I am very excited, as it will be the first time my group will be intimately reunited in about a year. We will talk about resume building, job hunting, graduate schools, and the cultural re-readjustment we can look forward to upon our return to the United States. It is easy to think how happy I will be when I get there, but hard to imagine how hard it will be at the same time. A completely different lifestyle in a completely different place than we’ve had to accustom ourselves to these past two years. But, as dad’s booming words of wisdom said, life WILL go on. J I am happy I have such a great family and network of family-like friends to return to. Anyways, this COS Conference is something we look forward to our entire service. They will end it by giving us lunch as a THANK YOU for all that we have done and what we have given of ourselves and our lives over the past two years. We finally get the chance to look at ourselves as having done something grand instead of as strugglers painfully trudging through this trench of really thick mud. And through someone else’s eyes, too. That’s always a plus.

So, as I prepare myself to leave in a month and a half, I appreciate knowing my house as MY house, even with the mushroom growing on my kitchen wall (I’m sorry, I don’t have a camera because of unmentionable personal faults) because of how rainy it is outside and how the construction of this country does a poor job of keeping the inside environment of your house dry. I appreciate the people I’ve met, even if I have constantly felt like an outsider here, for their gracious hospitality and open, genuine love of everyone. I appreciate the delicious foods I’ve tried (including my new and TERRIBLE love for ketchup AND mayonnaise on my French fries), even if they have given me the most unspeakable of intestinal issues. I appreciate the work I have learned how to do under the most challenging of circumstances, even if most of it never fully came to fruition… only most of it, though; not all. I’ve appreciated having the countless hours necessary to finally decide what I want to do for the rest of my life, even if it will take me years to achieve it. I appreciate having learned how to have a peaceful relationship with food, even if it did take me about 40 painful extra pounds to do so, 25 of which are now gone. It is all good, now. It is ALL good.

Thanks to my beautiful and very gracious friend, Leili, I was given a little new insight into things. She asked, what do you and what don’t you want when you come home? I was allowed to answer however I saw fit.

What DO I want (or, what do I look forward to): Being with my family Getting to know and growing with my two norteamericano Godsons J Continuing my spiritual path in a more direct and immediate way, instead of being pushed through it in a totally unfamiliar and challenging way (which has been a benefit, of course) Being with my friends who have proven, against all consejos that most personal relationships from the states fall away during your Peace Corps service, they REALLY are my friends… I am so lucky Feeling like my work is useful and contributes greatly to whomever I work for, and being appreciated for it Feeling like I belong instead of constantly feeling like I’m being looked at and listened to as an outsider who could never possibly fully understand the context of life in this place Having the space to be ME, all of the time (at least, feeling more comfortable doing so) MAKING MONEY!!!! Having my very own car and being able to DRIVE again Inhabiting soundly constructed buildings where there are no leaks, mold, or mushrooms on the walls Baking in ovens that AREN’T gas and that WON’T explode on your hand and burn the shit out of your fingers and burn all the hair off your hand and forearm Living in a place where electric companies can’t just decide to triple charge you one month and then cut off your electricity if you don’t pay it (UGH!) NO MORE FLEAS, please No bolos slamming drunkenly and half asleep against my metal door and having it resound very violently throughout the house as if a meteor has just crashed on my roof, without falling through the roof, miraculously… or not having to step over them as I try to get INTO my house, smelling their awful stench of 40-day-old pee and who knows what else… or listening to them barf outside my door, including the symphony of gut-wrenching and gagging No more “ch-ch’ing” and feeling as if men KNOW they have some kind of advantage over me because I am a woman No more people feeling like it is okay to call me gorda to my face No more people saying that they CAN’T because they are used to free hand outs and don’t want to or know how to try to do something themselves No more being let down by how difficult and slow-to-come-to-any-sort-of-fruition development work is (especially because of all the free hand-outs that take away from peoples’ understanding of their own capabilities to create their lives the way they want them)

What I DON’T want (or what I am afraid of): To be re-confronted with how difficult it is for people and how fearful they are to really open themselves up to others, and how everyone has to try so hard to prove themselves to others instead of know that they are wonderful just as they are (like Guatemalans so miraculously know here – I think) and be let down by humanity and its faults To constantly wish I were in a different, better place, as I have spent so much time doing here To be dampened by the low economic environment and low morale because of it To feel lazy in a fast-paced America after having had the time and space to take my time and space here To not be able to afford my OWN place—living alone has been such a saving grace To feel alone because no one understands the changes I have gone through To feel alone because boys there are just as silly as boys here and because everyone around me is in a relationship To be around people who are so absorbed in their Smartphone lives they can hardly put the things down, and therefore not able to fully enjoy the company at hand To listen to America lie to America about how to fix its life, when the answers are so simple and internally located

That is all. I will see you in a month and a half. ThankGOODNESS. I love you.

So life is happening. In a beautiful way. I just came home from the día novena service of the “novenario” to guide our beloved García family’s abuelo through purgatory to the afterlife. I’ve spent several of the last nine days with the family, the extended family, and in the presence of Don Lorenzo Cándido García Gamboa’s spirit and feel so connected with life and love that it makes me feel at home. Although it may have been the death that brought life to me, I am thankful for having had the experience with this, my second family. Tonight most of the women present got on their knees for an hour, including some that were likely around 70 years of age, to pray and sing in guidance of Don Lorenzo’s soul. It was beautiful to sit and listen/watch… there was a calm in the room, not only for the actions taking place, but for being able to share in such a traditional, cultural experience and feel like I was with my family. Afterwards, the abuela began to really grieve. She cried, and you could hear her heart so strongly that you felt it was your own heart crying out for the whole part of you that has just left you. As somber as the moment was, I felt grateful to be in the presence of her grief. It was real and human and, most importantly, love in its most perfect form. Not only did she share her grief, she failed not to share her love with the strange gringa that had been coming into her home. I felt so welcomed and loved and loving, it was one of my better moments here. This family will forever be a part of me. I truly love them.

Well, as I said, life is happening. And it HAS been happening quite tumultuously for the past several months. Many changes have been occurring in my life so rapidly that they have really thrown me every which way I never knew was possible. I’ve cried harder than I have in awhile (and that’s saying A LOT in the Peace Corps) and been happier than I have in awhile.

I had the most excellent 26th birthday, I will never forget it. I had a party with my favorite people all weekend long and just didn’t stop enjoying myself until the hangover Sunday morning. The ones I love most really stepped forward and selflessly made it such an “exactly-what-Amanda-would’ve-wanted” kind of birthday. What more could I ask for? There are no words to describe how I will miss having them so close to me. I felt as if this year was finally going to be the year where things come together. And it certainly has not let me down thus far.

My sitemate, Joe, has been in the states since about a month ago and that was hard for me. We are still unsure whether or not he will be coming back, and the turmoil of the situation really put me under. I wasn’t sure how to process my emotions – we had been here TOGETHER since the beginning and gone through all the trials of becoming family with one another, and, he has just always BEEN here. Well now he’s not. And life has been quite different. I miss him. It felt good, though, to cry that hard… it was a relief for so many things that had been on my shoulders. And ever since then, things have really started to come clear to me. It was like it released all of the walls and fear and doubt that have been blocking me from getting to where I really want. I feel more aware and capable now than ever before of life and seeing the reality behind it, behind what I make it. Words do no justice to how I feel.

Work has been going great, life has been going great, and I finally feel like I get it all. I have only four months left and as ECSTATIC as I am to be going home, getting a job, a car, taking classes, and BEING WITH MY FAMILY AGAIN, I am happy to feel fulfilled in my work, life, and love for the next few months. It is only a matter of time and right now, time feels like a whirlwind. YAY!

Much love to you all, if only you could be with me and my heart right now. Soon, though. Soon.

Much time has passed since I last posted. Much has happened since then as well.

I’ve spent time on the beaches of Costa Rica with my best Peace Corps friends, said goodbye to an amazing friend upon his very sad and permanent return to the states, travelled a ton, gotten closer with a few more amazing Peace Corps friends, visited more beaches, and had hardly any time to think about how I’ve spent the past 2 and a half months.

My host mother asked me to be the godmother of her son, Amer, whose FIRST birthday was on February 15th. I got to spend the day with the family, setting up the party and being a super-tall spectacle for all of the Tejutlecos I’ve met over the past year and a half. It was a really gratifying occasion to see familiar faces, be more to Amer than just this strange white giant, and to feel close to my host family. I love them. They call me traviesa, or naughty, because I have tattoos and travel so much… I love that they accept me. Although I still feel as if I cannot be 100% myself with them, I feel closer to them than almost any other Guatemalan. I am still working with Sarita on getting her travel visa so she can come home with me…

I got to participate in a three-day HIV/AIDS workshop with a Guatemalan counterpart from Tejutla (María Luisa) in the Peace Corps Office and am very excited to take on HIV/AIDS work as a secondary project. She’s excellent and so easy to get along with! We’ll be working with the Centro de Salud (health center) to recreate the workshop with many of the surrounding communities and I can’t wait. The workshop is so much fun to do, and so gratifying. It’s like you’re making a direct impact – something I don’t get the pleasure of experiencing quite as much with my work here as I’d like to.

At work I’m doing a real business plan with my counterpart and Board of Directors – we started it last month and I’m interested to see how far we get on creating a successful compilation of information. We plan to meet every three weeks to knock out pieces of it at a time… let’s see what Guatemala can do for us on this one.

I’ve also been in touch with a group called Soluciones Comunitarias, whose work is micro consignment: a non-risky business venture for rural communities, mostly women, in the hopes of making extra income. Soluciones gives products to the women to sell and the women make commission off of what they can sell. Soluciones and I will be meeting with one of my groups this week to see what we can kick off with. More exciting stuff.

I visited my friend Annalisa’s site on the coast of Guatemala, 20 kilometers from the border of El Salvador. A group of us from my training group went out there and had a great beach party. SO hot, so great. Annalisa is a great and sound friend – I’m happy to have had this time to get to know her as well as I do. She came to my site the next week to climb Tajumulco with me (the highest volcano in Central America, 1 hour from my site). We left the house at 6:00am, climbed to the top in about 3 hours and 45 minutes, and sat on the top of the world in freezing cold wind. It was an incredible and unusually clear day, and well worth the pain of climbing up rocks towards the top, at about 13,845 feet. I was a bit dizzy and VERY cold, but in awe of the amazing view and accomplishment. So worth it. We climbed down the same day, in about 2 hours time, and found it hard to move the rest of the day and next morning. It was just about as euphoric as running a marathon. Can’t wait to experience that again!

Since then I’ve been to several despedidas as a few good friends of mine are getting ready to finish their service. They’ve been so much fun, great way to say goodbye, but sad events nonetheless. On that note, I can’t help but be consumed by the idea that I have about 7 months left. 7 MONTHS. That is NOTHING in comparison to the 27 months I signed up for. And the time this year has already gone away as if it were mere seconds. I love that the time flies, I love that I will be home sooner than I can imagine, and I love that I have so much time and realization under my belt. I do not like, however, that regardless of the relationships I’ve built, regardless of how I’ve learned so much about Guatemala and how it works, regardless of the newfound immense and great workload, my missing home and missing feeling at home continues to impact my motivation and excitement at what I’ve accomplished and what I have left to do. Every day, even with small victories here and there, is a constant struggle to be so 100% aware of the cultural differences and challenges. I will never be completely understood and accepted here as I am at home, and my work will never be fully understood or appreciated as it is when I am at home. I know that it is meaningful to be here and great to have this experience and I regret absolutely nothing. I am immensely grateful for what I have done and seen and learned. I am just constantly reconciling that with my desire to be comfortable again, all of the time instead of just some of the time. This is, consequentially, the life of a Peace Corps Volunteer.

So that’s life, all. Thanks for listening. Love to you.

I apologize for being so malcriada and not posting for such a long time, what a life I have lived for the past two months.

I wrote my last post just before I went to Todos Santos, Huehuetenango for the world famous drunken horse races and delirious drunken marimba dances all throughout the streets. It was the greatest celebration of culture and PEACE CORPS culture I have experienced since arriving in Guatemala. The Peace Corps community rented a house and stayed there (about 60-70 of us) for the weekend of All Saints, ready to soak it all in; “it” being many things, of which most you can imagine, I’m sure. Halloween night we threw a costume party and set up a dance hall on the unfinished fourth floor of a magnificent house unoccupied by its US resident owner and slept on the floor in the 6+ bedrooms of this place. The next morning a few people braved the sunlight to watch the cemetery processions of colorfully dressing the graves and then went to join the crowds of candy-cane pants and blue-rimmed straw hats to watch the unfolding of events at the horse tracks. It is a tradition of this “dry” town to get the bravest riders drunk throughout the morning while running the horses back and forth on a short stretch of sandy path, to the point where most of them fall off in the middle of the track because they are so drunk they can no longer hold on to their horses. Literally. This, really, is the sole point of this activity. But fun it is, to watch, indeed.

Shortly thereafter, or so it seemed, I moved out of my host family’s house into my VERY OWN apartment. I painted the walls in the bedroom and bathroom a pale green and off-white and absolutely LOVE being in my own space. The time with the family was super lovely, especially towards the end where I FINALLY began to feel comfortable being absolutely myself with them and knowing they care no matter what. But having your own space is its own special kind of meditative peace and quiet, I am so grateful. I painted and moved in PROMPTLY after my site mate Matt and his wife, Meli, moved back to the United States. Emotional as it was to say goodbye, I was quite relieved to have the opportunity to find my breathing space in town. It seems warp speed the time in which it took me, at that point, to feel as if my comfort and space in town was all settling in as if I actually belong there. I really can truly say I feel at home now. Moments pass by more and more frequently in which I feel as if I DO NOT need, nor desire, to go back to the United States just yet. It feels good to be in this small town where life is simple and everything can be expected before it happens and family is so close and so defined that you really aren’t left for wanting much. I spent the day with my host sister and the family for her graduation from Diversificado (the equivalent to a very applicable tech high school degree) and felt as if I truly were a part of the family. Even Dona Vida, the momma of my host momma, was treating me as a family member – scolding me when I didn’t get pictures at the right moment, etc. It really was beautiful. That night I moved out. And from that night of November 20, it seems, life began.

So I spent the following week preparing the house, cleaning, moving in, and getting ready for about 16 PCV guests who came to spend Thanksgiving in my site with me, my site mates, and our most beloved host family. The preparation for this event included provisions for three turkeys, pumpkin pies, sweet potato pies, and all the other dishes in between which, thankfully, we had our volunteer friends help provide and put together night before and day of. We celebrated the night before for my friend Kiera’s 30th birthday by ordering about 8-10 pizzas and having ice cream cake and JELLO SHOTS (strawberry and pineapple jellos mixed together – my ingenious creation). The brave ones prepared the turkeys by getting them drunk, getting them dizzy, killing them, plucking their feathers, and setting up the pans for the next day, while the rest of us enjoyed our drunkenness and the celebration of Kiera’s life (and ours, really). It was absolutely fantastic. The next day we made breakfast at my house, prepared our dishes, and headed over to stuff the turkeys and take them over to the town bakery who let us borrow their huge ovens for the day. It was a great day, this Thanksgiving day. For others as well as myself it was probably the best Thanksgiving I have ever had. There was no regret or sadness for not being at home with my family and friends (as much as I really do miss them). It was only happiness and gratefulness for being in the presence of so many that we love, understand, and appreciate in needing one another throughout this crazy Peace Corps experience. I got up and gave my palabras at dinner and almost instantly started to cry (what some of my fellow PCV’s here have dubbed as the usual “heart-to-heart with Amanda Baker”). I cried because I honestly felt in my heart and mind and body that everything that was happening at that moment with that host family and Peace Corps family was just absolutely perfect. There was no ounce of satisfaction or love missing from that event and I felt it. So overwhelmingly, in fact, that I do proclaim that the best Thanksgiving I’ve ever had… along with a few other volunteer friends of mine.

Anyway, after this Thanskgiving there were only two weeks (less!!) to wait until MOM GOT HERE!!! She arrived to my site with me on December 9th and from there, what a holiday it has been. We started by having Walter (a Garcia brother of mine) pick us up in San Marcos to drive us back to site where they insisted we ate lunch before going home to decompress. They cooked a delicious meal of grilled chicken and forced a bit of rum down our throats before sending us home to rest. Everyone instantly loved mom, of course. The whole time we were there we were told how friendly you could tell she was just by looking at her face, and how young and preserved she was even though she is %@ years old.  Everyone absolutely loved her. The next morning I cussed out the construction workers right in front of my house when they tried to deny my request to move their 50 lb bags of concrete away from RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY DOOR so I didn’t have to trip over them on my way out and as things escalated, I sent my counterpart over to talk to the owner of the job site. After that, they didn’t bother me. Saturday my friend Lauren from Comitancillo (the town next door – 2 hours away by foot AND by bus) joined my new site mate, Jaron, me, and my mom for some wine and dinner. It was absolutely delicious and such wonderful times. Sunday we made spaghetti for my host family for lunch and relaxed in the evening. Monday we went to my host family’s house, made a TON of chocolate-chip cookies (host grampa’s favorite), and accompanied them to the family’s land up above Tejutla for the day. We shared a DELICIOUS lunch of pollo con crema, many stories of what kind of work mom did and does now, wool-lined boots for a Christmas present from us (and Thank You for treating me like one of their own and taking care of me) which had almost everyone in tears. It was such a heartfelt and gratifying event, so validating of my time here. We then napped on the crazily terraced hillside of their once-farmed land to watch the sun settle into the afternoon sky and listen to their cows drink from the fresh-water spring facing Volcan Tajumulco. Indescribable beauty and calm. Tuesday my Garcia family came over to dinner with us and the site mates and mom made her chili, which is now WORLD FAMOUS!! So much fun, I ABSOLUTLEY love them and how at home I feel with them. I’m so happy they had the chance to meet mom, although they were quite displeased at having missed the opportunity to meet Dad and Olivia, too. But even still, all was beautiful and well. Wednesday we went to the office and then to Momma Meli’s house for dinner. It was so sweet, they made us a typical meal of beans, fried plantains, and chicken. So delicious. And so great a time – what a wonderful family that I have yet to experience the best of times with. There are three nephews/sons, all eight years old, that are super talkative and loving and excited about life—such a refreshing thing in Guatemala. The three sisters are just BEAUTIFUL women with whom I am very excited to share much love in the next year, and Momma Meli, the sisters’ mom, is the most dear lady in town – you cannot help but instantly love her. Thursday we went to Quipambe, one of my community groups, and made spaghetti with the ladies for the Clausura (the end-of-year reflection and projection of prosperity and greatness that has come into our lives) and enjoyed listening to them chatter, talk to mom in Spanish, watch me stand in front of the stove because I sat in unseen spilled pineapple juice, and EAT. It was such a pleasurable experience for momma, to see the lifestyle, to share in the love that is ever-present between all Guatemalans and the world. Thursdsay night was dinner at Joe’s with Charlie (3 lbs worth of burgers – DELICIOUS). Joyous night to send us off, sadly, the next day to Xela.

Since Xela it has been TRUE vacation in the nice restaurants and resorts that are so un-Guatemala but so relaxing. Dad and Olivia FINALLY arrived Tuesday night (the 21st) and it’s been fantastic. We wandered through the markets of Antigua, the crazy grocery stores, and the bars/restaurants that my volunteer friends and I frequent, enjoying taking our time. Today was Christmas Eve and we made brunch and wandered into town in the afternoon, had a beer at one place and shots of Don Julio at another, just enjoying ourselves. We ate at a blues/jazz bar and had tapas for Christmas Eve dinner, retiring early only to be woken up at midnight by Christmas in 6 corners of the sky. I’ve not properly explained to you the great tendency to be pyro-crazy in this country, but telling you that you could literally hear and SEE magnificent fireworks coming from about 6 different places in the sky this evening may do that fact justice. It was such an overwhelming and wonderful way to bring in Christmas day, such an unusual (for us) Christmas, yet so filled with magnificence. I do not believe there will ever be a Christmas like it. Having my family here has been the greatest joy, and being able to share with them what I love about this country, the people I love here, and just time has been such a blessing to end the year with. I cannot fully explain my joy at this moment.

In one week I will be flying off to Costa Rica for New Years… more to come soon. I love you all immensely and hope that you have enjoyed this Christmas season as much as I have been able to. Merry Christmas, everyone. Pictures will come when I have more time (and it’s not the middle of the night) to upload them. <3 <3 <3 Love you.

It appeared as if the sun was setting in three parts of the sky. West NorthEast

These photos were all taken within 5 minutes of each other.

There was a day a couple weeks back that was so incredible, I don’t think it could ever be topped in its magnificence. I was getting ready to go to Quipambe and a little stressed out; it was our first meet. I was suddenly hit by a moment of clarity so strong that I no longer felt a part of the earth. It was like I could see everything that was happening around me, everything that would happen in my life, and was SO aware of the beauty that I make my life out to be. I literally felt high – a little overwhelming. Of course it made me cry; it was so beautiful to feel so sure and all-knowing of life and what I’m doing in it.

If only we could have those kinds of days every day. Anyway, out of that came the realization of my dream to be a professor and do ALL SORTS OF THINGS in life that just seem so perfect I can’t hardly wait to get started on the path towards doing them. I’m hoping to start online classes in January to jump ahead on some pre-requisites for the Masters of Science in Nutrition and Clinical Health Psychology (Bastyr University), or a few other Masters of Public Health – Nutrition programs I’m looking at. I’m SO excited.

But this excitement has been making it a little difficult to maintain my enthusiasm about being here. Oh, Guatemala. It is so unbelievably gorgeous yet covered with so much trash. The people are so unbelievably friendly yet plagued by fatalism and poor health/malnutrition. The work is so simple yet so far from realization, it’s almost discouraging. I’m supposed to just DO and let be done, without being so concerned with the outcome. Maybe learning how to do that will be my greatest accomplishment here.

This morning I asked the “powers” that be for some kind of inspiration or reminder of why it is so great to be here. I was riding in a very crowded taxi on the way to El Horizonte with Virginia, a técnica at ADICTA, and her 5-(or so)-year-old daughter, Neyneli, who is always accompanying her (us) to the office and to community visits. She’s very precious. She was basically sitting on my lap because of how crowded the taxi (i.e. clown car) was. As she leaned up against me on the bumpety, washed-out dirt road I felt present and peaceful. I was happy to be there, to have relationships with Guatemalans that make me feel close with them, and to go give a charla that I was too tired to give. Well, when we got there, the meeting was nonexistent… some faulty line of communication (typical of Guatemala). This did not make me mad; I was actually excited to just sit there and relax with the lady of the house (Doña Reina) to chat about random things. When it came time to leave I waited on the road in front of her house for another clown car to come by and got to see the sun shine through the clouds and disperse its immaculate gold light. This beauty is just as extraordinary the second time around as it was the first. I’m sure it will never lose its splendor. This photo does no justice to the way it shone over the valley.

Anyway, every now and again I get glimpses of that excited “I’M A PEACE CORPS VOLUNTEER!” attitude I so fervently came here with. It is a great thing that I am doing; for Guatemala but mostly for myself. I love that I’m challenged, very apparently, to better myself and to be for the people of Guatemala what I want to be for everyone, all of the time. So as I listen to all the people COSing (CloseOfService-ing) and exclaiming how great it is to finally be an RPCV, I patiently wait my turn. I look forward to the next year’s worth of lessons and successes. It can only be good, no matter how hard it seems to have a life devoid of Jamba Juice’s REVIVED Pumpkin Smash smoothie and Zeta and Sacramento fall and tile floors without rolly-pollies crawling all over them and beds without fleas and streets without failed-smog-check or burning plastic fumes.

<3

First year DONE.

Some tricks: - Learning how Guatemala works- Learning how Guatemalans work- Learning how to be myself in a culture where I’m not really allowed to be mySELF- Learning how to eat right in this place full of carbs, carbs, carbs, and protein (and no use of the abundance of fresh and beautiful vegetables)- Learning how to BE with myself, by myself, for large periods of the time

Some treats:- Living in the vast belleza that is Guatemala- Having the comfort of close friends - Having technology to connect with my most loved ones- Connecting with my host family and Guatemalans- Working with Guatemalans

Some things for which I’ve learned to take off my costume:- How to be myself and remember myself no matter whose company I am in- How to FEEL myself at all times- How to remember what’s most important and what I can afford to let go of- How to KNOW that my day and my LIFE are what I make them, what I WANT them to be- How to let myself love others regardless of what thoughts may be in their heads

I just went through my mid-service medical exams and all is well (no tuberculosis, no cavities!!). What was even better was when everyone that “examined” me asked, “HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HAVE JUST ONE YEAR LEFT?! YOU MADE IT SO FAR ALREADY!” Well, I suppose it feels great to have come this far and to be able to see things differently and ways in which I have changed. It feels great to finally feel like I’m accepted and appreciated here. It feels great to know how fast the past year went by and how the next year should go by even faster; not only because it means I get to go home sooner, but also because I will be working more and feeling more fulfilled in what I’m doing.

Guatemala is great – the people, the places, the things to do and learn… I do not regret a thing. I especially love the people that have come into my life because of my being here, and the life I’ve learned to live because of my experiences.

Change is the only constant thing in life, and I’m grateful for that. We are always growing and learning and doing things that get us where we are supposed to be in life.

Here’s to one more year of change!

Happy almost Halloween.

I saw a man walking down the street with a UCLA Bruins T-shirt on, navy blue with the classic yellow-gold lettering. I was pretty excited. He, however, was very unsuspecting of its significance, and so it goes with most of the clothing bought in Guatemalan PACAs (second-hand stores). It gets so ridiculous to the point that we volunteers had a PACA shirt contest during our Reconnect back in February. My shirt said “Alien Sex Fiend Club” with a picture of a man with what looked like numerous spikes coming out of his head. I did not place, but Des’s “I’m horny” unicorn shirt was a fair winner. Keep in mind that people wear these shirts all over the country having absolutely no idea what they say. It’s pretty entertaining for us volunteers. I wish I could tell you more, but they are so many that I can hardly keep up.…

So, starting on August 29th, I will have 14 months left. It is true what they say, that things pick up after your first year. I have had probably the best “Peace Corps” week since I’ve arrived in Guatemala.

My first victory this week: I won the representative position on the Gender and Development (GAD) Committee of volunteers for the Sustainable Agriculture program. This means I will be facilitating the sharing of information on how to incorporate Gender and Development charlas and activities into our projects, and will become a primary resource for the other volunteers in the Sustainable Agriculture program. This will add such depth to my service, as it has already given me the boost in self-confidence I need to start giving more charlas and building better relationships with the people I’m working with. AND, my counterpart is interested in working on this WITH me, since he has spent many of his years creating his organization (ADICTA) with a focus on development, devoting much time to providing opportunities to the groups of women in the surrounding communities. For this I am VERY excited.

Second victory: On Tuesday I gave a charla on Commercialization and all of the necessary steps to successfully commercializing your business idea. We started with a small skit and then did a rompecabezas (puzzle) to put all the pieces of commercialization together. The end result was a picture of a Guatemalan Quetzal (basically a dollar bill, but worth a lot less). They had fun doing it and I had fun sitting with them afterwards to eat our bread with jam and tea, chatting about life and ourselves. I LOVED it, in fact. When I left the house to go wait for a taxi to pass outside, it was drizzling. The house was located on a dirt road in a river valley, surrounded by trees with huge jungle-like leaves and forest-covered mountains. It was so serenely beautiful to just stand there in the drizzle watching the water drip off the leaves, the water pulling them down as it fell. Then I received a free ride back to the municipio from a passing minivan, of which the drivers were related to my counterpart! Or so they say. It is Guatemala, afterall. J

Third victory: Tuesday night, I chatted with my host family about how they felt about hosting another volunteer once I moved out. Their first response was, “will they be like you? We only want them if they’re like you.” It was the nicest, most validating thing – especially since I spend the majority of the time feeling like I’m an extremely rude, totally culturally insensitive gringa. I felt very loved/loving. Afterwards I went to “Noche Juventil” at my host family’s church and had my ears just about blasted out of my head by the absurdly loud speakers. I’m surprised they don’t have to buy new ones every week for how loud they insist on playing them. Aside from the difference in viewpoint and opinion on many real-world issues and the obnoxiously loud music, I thoroughly enjoyed spending the extra time with my host sister, Rosmil and the sweet girl that works in the family’s store, Vita. It was really a great experience.

Fourth victory: This morning I went running again!! And I did two miles, walking parts of the second mile. It was so absolutely invigorating and refreshing to get up early, blast my iPod (with some EXCELLENT old school hip hop to boot), and watch dogs fighting over each other as I made my laps around the super muddy soccer field. It is so nice to be able to feel the blood flowing through my thighs again as I seemingly effortlessly take one step after the other. It makes me SO nostalgic for those marathon training days. Anyway, I ended up being completely splashed up with mud—haven’t had such a glorious shower in quite some time.

Fifth victory: Today we had a meeting with the Junta Directiva. FAO came to ask them a questionnaire about their roles and to give a charla about Market Investigation and its importance. I sat through it with everyone and felt nice to be a part of the group. Towards the end, the secretary asked how one might go about doing an investigation, or writing a survey to take around with them. Don Víctor, my counterpart, chimed in, “well, fortunately for us Amanda is here. And she is FULL of conocimiento about just how to do that sort of thing. I recognize that I haven’t spent very much time working with her or showing her the ropes since I’m always in and out of the office in various meetings, but it would be to our great advantage to work with her. She is here to help.” Paolo, the Italian volunteer from FAO who came to give the charla, added very fervently, “ADICTA is SO lucky to have someone with this conocimiento at their disposal ALL of the time. It is really important that you make use of what she has to offer, especially since she will be here for only another year. AND, she’s here for free!” And much more. This was a victory because much of my previous despair and troubles came from my not doing anything in ADICTA. It was so hard for me to accept that it wasn’t my fault and that I wasn’t just some lazy volunteer – it really does go both ways and if I hadn’t proved I was willing to work by making my own plan and following through with it, I would likely have continued to go unnoticed. But now they notice. And they appreciate. And I feel like my decision to stick this out was the best one I could have made. I am happy, I am finally comfortable being who I am here carrying on with what I know is important and expecting nothing in return. This is the greatest relief.

And so, here’s to continuing on the up!…

In much of the spare time I do have, I have begun to draw a little bit here and there, and am the proud artist of my friend Charlie’s brand new tattoo! It’s a starfish, inspired by “The Star Thrower” by Loren Eiseley. You all should read it. This is why I love Charlie. I am also working on one for my dear friend, once diaper buddy (a whole half sleeve!!!)… I’ll let you know how that turns out.

I have also done extensive research on graduate programs of study. After much consideration of my extreme passion for nutrition (have read several books in their entirety in one single day) and its effects on physical AND mental health, and my obsessive interest in psychology, I searched long and hard for a program that would combine this love for nutrition and its psychological effects. I am excited to be seriously planning on starting from scratch with the many science prerequisites I need to be accepted into the MSNCHP (Master of Science in Nutrition and Clinical Health Psychology) at Bastyr University near Seattle, Washington. This is the first dream I can clearly see carrying through the rest of my life and I can’t tell you how pleased I am to have finally gotten ahold of it. Pretty sure this one will stick, but don’t hold me to it. J Afterall, I still have a whole year (+ two months) in Guatemala to change my mind……

I love you all. And I miss you.

Last weekend of May Pacaya exploded and made a mess of things with ash all over Guatemala City and the surrounding areas, IMMEDIATELY followed by Tropical Storm Agatha. Ash turned to goo and landslides, compounded by mudslides caused by the torrential downpours all over the country. Houses were filled with mud to the roofs, people buried alive in mud, and lockdown all over the country for lack of transportation. It was horrible. My location was relatively unaffected.

That weekend I was “stuck” in Xela for floods, mudslides, and roadblocks. What a weekend it was. There’s something wild about not being able to move amidst downpours and streets-turned-to-rivers. We didn’t let it get us down and enjoyed almost literally swimming around town. Fortunately Xela stayed open: we weren’t the only crazy ones taking advantage of the disability to do anything else besides relax and enjoy ourselves. Those couple days will never leave my memory.

Then HOME. At last. Greeted by tears and terribly-missed family, I flew into San Francisco on June 10th. From that point forward I immediately started in on the must-do’s: Lagunita IPA, Stone Double Bastard Ale, Stone IPA, Stone Ruination IPA, and Sailor Jerry & Coke. Oh, and I also very much enjoyed seeing my family and friends. Such wonderful therapy. I gave a short speech about tolerance and the Peace Corps to two different groups and felt good about what I had to say. I attended a family party with friend afterparty and talked way too much about what I do and don’t do in Peace Corps, re-fell in love with Sailor Jerry, and saw so many of those that mean the most to me. OhHowIMissAndLoveThem. I flew out after probably the most amazing night of my life and back to Guate I went. Maybe a relief, maybe not. But here I am.

Almost right afterwards was the 3rd of July party. What to say besides beer, debauchery, and spending too much money? Said goodbye to Alex. A new experience dawns here in Guatemala. I had the MOST fun since I’ve been here and am relieved to have had a few weeks off of alcohol. I also have new VERY amazing friends.

The past couple of months were not easy ones. Probably the roughest patch I’ve ever been through in my life. But the seemingly unending “crisis” culminated with a newfound motivation to do what I came here to do, and recognize what it was I originally wanted from coming here. I am happy to have seen the other side of this funk and to have reestablished my commitment to serve Guatemala and mySelf. It helps to remind myself of this from time to time, as this kind of adjustment doesn’t stop evolving until it’s over. I greatly look forward to the euphoria that will come for having finished this gargantuan task of performing the toughest job I’ll ever love.

Meanwhile, I’m going to Huehue to visit some of those very amazing friends and see Tricia!!! She FINALLY comes back from her very long surgery visit to the states. I love her.

And I love you. I miss you. Can’t wait to see you again.

Today I learned how to make chocolate cake the Guatemalan way. I carried a few ingredients on my 1 hour school-bus ride and 50-minute walk to Shalanshac where I met the unsuspectingly large group of Guatemalan ladies. As I walked to the town from the bus I enjoyed the immaculately clear view of the miles of cobalt blue hills and ravines and innumerous sheep and lambs grazing on the unendingly steep hillsides. I spoke with my walking company about chocolate cake and family until we arrived to our destination, and was asked to accompany the 4- or 5-year-old girl walking with us in her graduation next October. When we arrived I ducked through the kitchen door to find 15-20 women with bags full of this or that ingredient, but never all of the necessary parts. We started by greasing and flouring our sauté pans (in which we were going to bake the cakes) while the HUGE bread adobe oven heated up. Soon we mixed the ingredients while measuring everything by eye in coffee mugs and table spoons and fought over who got to use the cocoa I brought with me before it ran out. We finished before the oven was heated and so proceeded to make frosting, of which only two out of the 15+ were able to achieve the necessary creamy, spreadable texture. Everyone else put in too much milk/water because they were afraid that the difficulty they had stirring it warranted more liquid. And of course there was not enough extra powdered sugar to go around, so they all ended up with icing instead. Then they rushed to feed me my two hard-boiled eggs, peeled tomato and peeled potato before I had to catch the bus back to town while fighting over who was going to reimburse me for the ingredients. Eventually it all came together one quetzal short of the total amount and I headed out the door. I had to leave before they put their cakes in the oven, so I’m anxious to hear how they turned out. Vamos a ver.

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The rainy season started to come in a few weeks ago. I have enjoyed my naps under the daily afternoon torrential downpour on the tin roof quite thoroughly. I’ve also LOVED the thunder cracking ferociously right above my head and wading through rivers on my walk home from work. I just don’t think I’ll get sick of it. LOVE it.

_____

I continuously grow more and more excited for my short visit to home. I get so excited with my insatiable hunger for your hugs. I need them. It will be difficult going from this wonderfully temperate climate to 110-degree Sacramento summer days, but well worth the sweat. I love you, thanks for reading.

Well it’s been very eventful.

Semana Santa

I started the week making pan with Joe’s host family… I only rolled one bun cause they were sticky and covered in grasa to make them easier to roll, but it was fun. Traditionally the whole family gets together to make the dough, roll, and bake the bread. And they make a TON of it. They make it for their extended family and neighbors and friends and basically that’s all they eat all week. It’s delicious.

Then I went to Xela to celebrate with my friends and had a very great time, up until my purse was stolen. In it I had my camera, my NEW iPod, NEW phone, debit card, and all the other daily necessities. I was VERY angry and didn’t quite know what to do with myself, but luckily was with good company who helped me out the rest of the week until we got home. No one was hurt and no legal documents were stolen, so it could’ve been a lot worse. Just VERY unfortunate.

Birthday Week

Needless to say, it put a damper on my excitement for my birthday the following week. It wasn’t all bad, though.

The day before my birthday, Matt & Meli made me DELICIOUS vegetarian lasagna and probably the BEST carrot cake I’ve ever had in my life. We made the frosting for it together and OH MAN. It was so good. They’re such great company and wonderful friends to have as sitemates.

The morning of, I was woken up at 5:15am with Guatemala’s traditional firecrackers right below my bedroom window, singing right outside my bedroom door, and chocolate cake with strawberries on top which I was taken downstairs to eat at about 5:30am. It was awesome. Later that morning, my host sister, Rosmil, asked if I had been listening to the radio because THEY HAD JUST ANNOUNCED MY BIRTHDAY to all of Tejutla. She had called it in earlier in the morning. So sweet! Later in the day I shared a traditional birthday lunch of Pepian, a delicious chicken and rice dish, with Joe’s host mom and host sister, whose birthdays were also that week. THEN, I got two packages from mom & dad in the afternoon. It was amazing. It all added up to be incredible, except for when I went home at the end of the day wishing to see my family and friends from home.

Day after: Mandatory Regional Security Meeting for Peace Corps. I got to see all my San Marcos friends and Joe announced my birthday to everyone there. It was really nice. We went out for micheladas (bloody Mary mix with beer instead of vodka) afterwards and celebrated just a little bit longer. When we got home, a couple of the friends Joe has made working in the Muni (and that I’ve run with a couple of times) came over to Joe’s house and we all had a little bit of rum to celebrate true to my nature. It was a very great night.

Friday I went to Lake Atitlan with a couple more friends and relaxed in the serenity that its beauty brings. Didn’t get too wild since I was so worn out from the preceding anger (it’s really exhausting) + festivities, but enjoyed myself nonetheless.

And, I’M 25!!!

Last Week

As soon as I got to the office Monday morning, my counterpart asked how I’d like to go to Guatemala for a Capacitación in his place since he had other obligations to take care of. It turned out being an all-week affair, leaving Tuesday morning, returning Saturday afternoon. I’m very glad I went—it was about Business Planning, specific to agribusiness. Very informative, and I got a diploma (huge thing in Guatemala)!! I look forward to sharing the info and materials I brought home with me with my counterpart, and hopefully getting him excited about doing things the more effective way, too. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I stayed with a bunch of other Guatemalans the whole time and enjoyed getting to know them on a more confianza level. It really is what makes this whole experience worthwhile. We did a group activity where each group had to create the same “products” with the materials given them, and our group won! Each group didn’t actually receive all the necessary materials and had to try to produce the items with what they had (this was done on purpose). When asked what happened and why it didn’t work out so well for each group, they mentioned things such as not having all the right materials, not having the confianza to ask the other groups for help/to lend materials, lack of manpower and limited time, and the last thing they said was, “it’s because we didn’t have the extranjera (foreigner) in our group!” As a joke, of course. Pshh. It was fun times.

This Week

I’m going to Mexico!! With (most of) my favorite PCV’s. I can’t wait. We’re going for a week just to relax, celebrate Charlie’s and my (belated) birthdays, do a little site-seeing, and just your general vacation shenanigans. I can’t wait. It will be so nice to just get away for awhile on a REAL vacation. I can’t wait. I’ll let you know how it goes, but unfortunately won’t have any pictures (of my own) to share since the camera was stolen. There will be others on facebook, though, I’m sure.

Needless to say, I’ve been busy. Next month should be more work-busy and I look forward to it. It will be nice to get back into the flow of a “normal” routine (as normal as it can be here in Guatemala). I hope to start progressing with what I’m supposed to be doing here, though have been reassured by several more seasoned volunteers that the first year is mostly spent learning—especially since you start from Zero here. So I try to keep that in mind as all my ideas continue to cook.

It’s comforting to acknowledge how much the time flies here. I do look forward to returning to my most normal, comfortable life and not have so much time to be spending alone, but also am grateful to spend the next year and a half figuring my shit out (18 months left as of May 1st!) without so many distractions. So great to have you to share it all with. Love you very much.

Friday, March 12th was my 7-months-in-country anniversary. April 1st will mark my 5-months-in-site anniversary. It’s unbelievable how the time has flown. Just a little over 19 months to go! But who’s counting.

It’s been a little bit of a blur, still trying to sort things out in terms of what kind of work I’m doing. But, poco a poco I’m figuring it out. Still. A bunch more has been lined up with the women’s group who makes all the products we sell at my association’s store so I’m excited for that.

If nothing else, just spending the time getting to know them makes coming here totally worth it. Spending time with Guatemalans, in general, makes everything worth the trip.

... Earlier this month I participated in a Medical Jornada as a translator.

A bunch of doctors, translators, and medical helpers came down on their vacation to help give free medicine, surgeries, etc. to many Guatemalans in the area. They actually do this all over Guatemala, among other projects. The group is called Helps International, if you’re interested in participating. I may look into it when I’m out of the Peace Corps—it was so amazing.

I spent half the week translating between doctors and patients, and I think the most gratifying part was being able to communicate on a level beyond just understanding the language. Having had the opportunity to learn the culture in a way that keeps me sensitive and understanding makes communicating with Guatemalans so rewarding. They’re the most openly loving culture—I’m so blessed to be here fostering my desire to be doing the same. (The Jornada group also fed us all week, food cooked by Americans. SO DELICIOUS, and so nice to have a taste of home).

... Yesterday I travelled to one of the other departments nearby to help a volunteer who’s just finished her two-year service give an HIV/AIDS workshop to some of the students she’s been working with. I spent an entire afternoon doing activities and skits and sharing information with the high-school-aged students. Also an extremely rewarding day. I hope to be redoing this workshop several times throughout my two years—it’s exciting to see how well they learn, how interested they are, and that the information will carry on. I am thankful to be a part of spreading the word.

... My host mom, Sarita, had her baby on February 15th. He was TINY. His name is Nember Ismael Aguilar. SO CUTE. I look forward to watching him grow, learn to walk and talk… so exciting. She’s a happy mom.

Sarita & Nember. Rosmil & Nember.…

As for my personal experience, I mentioned it’s been a blur. I can’t say it’s been easy, though there’s nothing about being here that makes me unhappy. I very much love it and feel almost completely at home. I just keep waiting for the day where my work will fall into place and I’ll know what kind of impact, in that regard, I will be leaving. I know it will come. I’m just a little impatient, I guess. Finding peace with food has also been a challenge, especially since I have a lot of time to myself. I’m doing work to get over this, and have enjoyed more and more getting up early in the morning to run. I have hit three miles, which still is no big consolation since I’m used to being able to do a whole lot more. But I have to keep reminding myself that asthma, altitude, and weight gain are making the rise a little bit slower. It is getting better though. Those mornings when I DO drag myself out of bed, I always feel so excellent about the day. The early morning “I really just love my bed too much to get out of it” is what challenges me. Getting there, though. I have been able to learn a lot and practice a lot of awareness; there’ve been many lessons. Don’t hold yourself to so rigid a goal. Don’t let the things that worry you rule your day. Don’t worry so much. Remember what you want and remember that it is yours already. Remember who you are—this is all you need to be. Remember that you make your day what it is. Breathe, you are alive. Love. That is all there has to be in your life. … I’ve made some amazing and lasting relationships that I couldn’t be more thankful for. There is just so much we share in common, even if only the experience we are going through. I relate to these other volunteers on a level I couldn’t have dreamed of before, especially for only having known them for 7 months. It’s pretty great. I’ve been enjoying more and more my time with Guatemalans, feeling just a little bit more comfortable being myself each day. They’re so open – when I feel bad about something they say, “what does it serve you to feel bad about it? Don’t worry about it.” So wonderful. …

I never cease to be amazed at how lucky I am to have so many people at home thinking of me. Needless to say I feel very loved and very blessed to have such beautiful people in my life. It keeps me going, especially on those bad days, to know that you are there. I love you, thank you for everything.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving. I’m still feeling the repercussions for eating as if my stomach had no bottom… it was almost entirely too painful to move, and even to BREATHE after the feast we had yesterday.

We did it up real good. Bought two live turkeys which the boys and Jose’s familia anfitriona drugged up with whiskey to make more relaxed/the meat more tender, and then killed and de-feathered and all that good (?) stuff. Of course, I did not watch the killing, but did get to pet them while they calmed themselves just prior (sorry veg(an) friends). I guess you know you’re in Peace Corps when this becomes the most cost-effective method of arranging your meal. I did not eat the poor chumpipe, but heard rave reviews of its juicy tenderness. Whiskey, apparently, was the key.

Let’s see. Among the montón de comida we had, there was (made by yours truly) Gran’s stuffing, which will definitely be done better next time but nonetheless fulfilled just the right nostalgic need, cranberry sauce, sweet potato pie, and mom’s pumpkin pie. There was also green bean casserole, mashed potatoes with turnips, candied carrots, asparagus… and sweet rolls. OMG it was so much deliciousness. Like I said, I’m still in pain today. But OH-SO-WORTH IT. We also watched It’s a Wonderful Life afterwards to stay true to Jose’s yearly family tradition. Such a great movie.

I must say, as much as I missed being with my fabulous family this Thanksgiving, I was in a rather grateful mood. There were six of us volunteers at the warm and loving house of a Guatemalan family here, and I couldn’t have felt more at home. We spent two days cooking for this feast, all the while being treated like family, feeling like we were with our real families. The volunteers around become people you just inherently love, since you are all going through this experience in the same manner, and are, in general, really fantastic people. As luck would have it we got acquainted with one of the most open-hearted, open-armed families here and I really feel like the hija they say I am, even though I don’t live with them.

…

So, todavía I’m adjusting, poco a poco, to the new life situation I find myself in. I can tell it’s not such smooth sailing because I’m quite out of balance, proof being the week I just had. Monday morning, as I was just starting to jog to the fútbol cancha on the cobblestone streets, I tripped over a stone that jutted out and ate it REAL hard. I skinned the palms of both my hands (which, after putting superglue on yesterday to close them up feel a tiny bit better – but being in the crease of the palm of your hand does not permit quick/easy healing), my right elbow, and my right knee (which is still a tiny bit tweaked). Needless to say, I haven’t run all week, and cooking for two days in a row with bandaids on the palms of my hands was a new and not-so-easily-overcome challenge—thus, the superglue.

Then, Tuesday, as I was using my brand new, cheap blender to make a smoothie, the bottom twisted out and spilled smoothie EVERYWHERE. As if not having a sink in my room to clean up the mess wasn’t challenging enough, I had to also clean up the broken base after it decided to fall off the edge of my table. Thus, no more brand new blender.

Wednesday, before I got to escape into the world of cooking, I had lunch with my counterparts and found myself the only gringo at the table. It’s very nice that they always provide lunch after meetings, or at the very least a snack, but man—if I keep eating like this, I’ll forever have a swollen face! Not appealing. Also, being the only gringo at the table is a bit daunting. Everyone talks in their Guatemalan manner and makes their Guatemalan jokes and I understand less than half of it. So while they all sit there laughing and enjoying their lunch, I get to sit there and eat a little mindless and out of touch with what’s going on around me.

I’ve been reminded by a few of my friends that, no matter how much time you spend here and get comfortable with the people around you, you will still be a foreigner. So, at the very least, I can look forward to understanding what people say and how it is perceived by the others. This will be such a weight off my shoulders when it finally happens.

…

Though, despite all this, I still really do like being here. I like that I have been living here for almost four months now and still don’t want to go home. I like that I get to open myself up to what’s happening around me, even if it’s not all that comfortable at times, and I like that I know it’s making me grow a little inside each time I do this. I like that I’ve been able to feel like I have family here, both Guatemalan and American. I like that I no longer wake up feeling like I am not in my own room. I like that I have fresh fruits and vegetables available to me at my every whim and have everything I need to live the lifestyle I want to live. I like that I have so much time to BE with myself and get comfortable with being without so many of those things I’d have found outside of myself in the U.S. I like that I’m aware that time is the key, and I have plenty of it here in Guatemala. I like that, in all this time, I get to spend my moments in the immaculate beauty of this mountain town with the immaculately beautifully-souled individuals that make up its population. I like that, despite being different, I am still greeted with warm hugs and kisses on the cheek to assure me that I really am welcome here.

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So it’s now two days later… I’ve been in bed all day with that nasty, not-well-enough-prepared food sickness/fever of 100.2/etc. It was a really terrible day, actually. But, all’s well that ends well. My host family came in to check on me several times, made me tea to make my nausea go away, made me something to eat, and it was lovely. My site mate brought me Gatorade after work and came back later with his host family to bring me tea and toasted bread. It was lovely. M&M called me to wish me well and, alas, I am better. At the end of a day feeling crappier than I can remember feeling in a LONG time, I am reminded so kindly that I really am welcome here. And I feel loved.

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To all of you back at home, I miss you ever so much and regret that I don’t have the ability to just come stop by to see you. But I’m comforted to know you are there, living real lives and being a part of mine. I love you very much, and thank the powers that be to have had your influence in my making.

Have a beautiful day.

Do you remember when you used to go camping when you were little at the Carson River Valley? And you had to cross rivers in your old 4x4 Jeep Cherokee because it was shallow enough (though rocky) to do that? And do you remember driving down miles of dirt/rocky roads to get to that point in the river where you had to cross? No? Well, I do. Reliving that memory is probably one of the most exciting things that’s happened in site, as of yet. Yesterday I crossed a river in the Director of ADICTA’s old 1994 Toyota Pick-up because the only bridge had its single lane blocked by a semi carrying a bunch of boulders who decided to stop ON THE BRIDGE. We then drove down a couple more miles of bumpety, washed out decomposed granite roads to get to the town where I got to give my first (not-so-successful) charla to the women’s group that processes and dehydrates fruits and vegetables.

So at ADICTA, I am to focus on commercialization of those products and planification of their production. We did a SWOT (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats) workshop so they would be able to come up with these things on their own, as a group – to get them thinking about their group and its future without relying on someone on the outside to come and fix it all for them. The reason I say it was not-so-successful is because I hardly know the women, and had a hard time getting them to feel comfortable taking action. Some of them did step up, but the success of the charla was due largely to the fact that the Director, Don Victor, who is also my counterpart, chimed in with some well-rounded points on how they need to reach towards each other to find these answers, because it’s up to them to form the future success of the group, and no one else.

That’s not to say, though, that things won’t work out with this group of women. In fact, I’m inclined to believe that the more time I spend with them, and the more times I repeat that I’m 24, single, and not planning to get married until I go back home (or probably not even for quite some time thereafter, esp. since, by Guatemalan standards, I’ll be way too viejita at the ripe old age of 26 and it will be difficult to find a husband), they will warm to me and we will be able to contribute a lot to one another’s tables. It’s also great that they all think I will change my mind and get married here in Guate, since that’s precisely what my predecessor/current site mate did. Well, vamos a ver… we’ll just have to see about that. Anyway, I think working with these women who are oh-so-chistosa will be a bright highlight of my time here.

…

So I’m adjusting, slowly but surely, to my new little space in the world. I can’t say that it’s easy, though it hasn’t been particularly difficult. I do have a rather nicely finished house to live in with ceramic tile floors and all, and a view that’s (as I’ve mentioned various times) to die for from my bedroom window, and a steaming hot shower… it’s just a rather strange adjustment not having to get up and go ten different places Saturday morning. If I were at home today, I would’ve had to rush out of the house to drive to at least three different places by the end of the day. Instead, I slept a lot, talked about how people are “made of corn” with my host mom, drew ositos (little bears) for them, ate with them, wrote A LOT in my journal, and contemplated why I didn’t go to town with all my fellow volunteers.

I believe this is a great opportunity for me to finally settle down completely into the moments of my days, instead of rushing from one to the next, all day long. I look forward to this comfort I’ll achieve with just simply being with myself.

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On another note, all the time I’ve spent daydreaming doesn’t really contribute to that “living in the moment” philosophy I’d like to master. It does, however, present many opportunities to fantasize about the grandiose things I’m GOING to do in the future… like live and work in Europe, or travel all over the world and do Graduate research, or just research in general, amongst the places I visit. Ahh, le sigh; for another time.

I would like to replace this daydreaming with reading or writing letters… so if you’d like a letter from me, please email me your address and I’ll be sure to get on that. For those of you that’ve emailed me I’m working on those responses right now.

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With much love and gratitude for you all (without whom it would be mighty difficult to feel at home, anywhere), Happy New Week.

Today I washed my clothes by hand for the very first time. I don’t know that I did such a good job in my two-and-a-half hour stint, but I did it. We shall judge the results when my clothes finally dry probably two or three days from now.

I stood at the pila on the roof underneath the little awning of lamina rubbing my hands raw with detergent, looking amongst the mountainous glory lined with silver-lined clouds and sun, listening to the pitter-patter of light rain on that lamina awning, and gasping at the splendor of a perfectly glistening rainbow seemingly just a football field away. This rainbow, with its start shooting out the depths of the ravine and end going over the other side of the mountain, was the most beautifully brilliant I’ve ever seen. Then, as I turned to gather the surrounding view, I saw the volcano I now live in the vicinity of and, again, had my breath taken away.

Is life really hard? I don’t think so. I see beautiful things daily that make it worthwhile to stop and appreciate all those things that there are to appreciate in this world. I may be sick now and then, lose my voice because of it, rub my hands raw with detergent, cook and sleep both in one room, sleep with numb toes, and be thoroughly challenged by ever-new surroundings, but I still have those beautiful things to bring me back to that knowledge that life really is, well, beautiful.

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The holidays are coming and I heard my first Christmas song (in Spanish) on the radio Friday morning. My initial reaction, being reminded that I am without those I most love this holiday season, was “BAH!” (Plus, it’s only the beginning of November) But, that same evening, as I began to bake with my sitemate for a potluck we were going to on Saturday, I couldn’t help but let him drag me into the spirit of it. We put on Christmas music (I know, bah – but we do what we can to make ourselves feel at home here) and made REALLY YUMMY oatmeal/craisin cookies AND orange vegan cake with fresh-, home-squeezed orange juice and strawberry jelly/powdered sugar icing. They were both a hit (yes, even the vegan cake – a few people even requested the recipe).

This afternoon, after washing my clothes, the sitemates all got together at M&M’s house for dinner. M&M made us some amazing quiche, and I made No Bakes. Have you ever had them? If you have, you’d know how INCREDIBLE they taste. It was fabulous. We also watched When Harry Met Sally (yes, again – it never gets old to me) and, once again, it put me in a state of bliss.

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Enjoy your day, I love you.

It seems I am floating at the top of my dreams. I sat at the table last night with my family here last night trying to explain how strange it feels to be doing what I’ve been dreaming about for two years now. Can you imagine? I can’t. I just have to live it. I don’t even know what to say anymore, except that it feels incredible to be soaring into the future I’ve been waiting for. Does that paint a picture clear enough?

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So this morning I’d like to say a few words regarding the camionetas, or “chicken buses”. They are called “chicken buses” because occasionally you’ll hear a bunch of peeping coming from a basket, and every once in awhile you’ll actually see a chicken, or two turkeys tied down into another basket. It’s worth mentioning that you’re never at a loss for a seat, even when there are none. These second-hand school buses have long enough seats to fit three, even when the third is one cheek on, one cheek off in the aisle. No matter, the third person in the other seat serves to hold you upright as you squish together.

This morning, I had the most mentionable of bus rides. It was totally full, except not too full to keep cramming people on. It’s NEVER too full to keep cramming people on. Tricia and I got shoved all the way to the back, and she was lucky enough to get one of those third-spot seats, while I got to stand right between two seats, holding the people on the edges (including Tricia) up with my hips. As people tried to shove past so they could bajar, I hit Tricia right between the eyes with my FULL Nalgene bottle. We’re waiting for the black eye to pop up. Later on, as I enjoyed the tight fit of people pressing up against me, I tried to adjust my arms (which were holding onto the railing in the ceiling for dear life) and elbowed Tricia on the top of the head.

You can imagine how entertaining it was. Tricia may not be too excited, but I think she’s a good sport. We laughed. A lot.

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Just a little bit of my day here in Guate. Have a good one, loved ones.

So, it’s been awhile since I’ve written you. Fíjese que I’ve been pretty busy lately. There has been quite a stir of emotions. Through it all, I haven’t lost my conviction that this is definitely what I want to be doing with my life right now. Our time as trainees is quickly winding away and we are all pretty ready to get going with our lives—especially since we’ve gotten a taste of just how our lives will be these next two years, starting October 31st.

A word on my site…

You would never imagine the greatness of what I get to look at every day. Hills, mountains, valleys, trees, crisp, cool air, and the best part: my office. It’s an old hacienda-style house with a courtyard out back that’s as rustically quaint as you could ever imagine. I get to go there every day. And when I don’t stay at the office all day, I’m traveling through the mountains and valleys and over the rivers into the surrounding aldeas where I get to breath it all in up close. All the belleza and glory…

If you couldn’t guess, I’m happy.

I’ll be working at an organization that’s organized itself for the organizational purposes of the community’s wellbeing. :) I’ll primarily be working with a women’s group that processes and dehydrates fruits and vegetables, and sometimes honey to sell to various markets. It will partly be my job to help them search for other commercialization channels, as well as establish that they’ve taken into account all of their costs in a cost-of-production workshop (taller) and capacitation series, and make a production and commercialization plan for the future. I’ve got my work cut out for me, but am way excited to tackle this.

Today we had our last and final feedback session and, again, I got: “Your happiness, amazing flexibility, and hard work has made it very easy for us to find a great place for you and proves to us that you will be one of the excellently successful volunteers.”

So at my site, there is another volunteer going into his third year who recently married an awesome Guatemalan girl, and they have baby bunnies that like to run around and slide on their tile floors. They’re super nice and I’m fortunate to have the next year living around them. I also have a site mate from my same training class that is fabulous to have nearby. We live about a two+ hour walk away from another three volunteers, one of which is also from my training class. My site mate and I took the walk on Saturday to the others’ town and, though long (~6 miles over hills in high altitude), it was so worth the beautiful view and air and river and all that sweet stuff. We’re planning to switch Saturdays doing the walk and have brunch ready for whoever makes the trip.

I’m pretty excited for the crowd I get to spend my time with, the place I get to work, the people I work with and the community I will be living in for the next two years. I’m pretty excited that I still feel like I perfectly belong just right where I am and that I’m continuing to live this dream. I’m pretty excited that the next two years will assuredly be so fulfilling and will teach me so much more than most things I could be doing in the States right now.

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OH!! I almost forgot to talk about my trip to Pacaya. We hiked to the crater of an active volcano and saw RUNNING LAVA. SUPER hot, super exciting. It sounds like crackling glass as it flows. We roasted marshmallows and made smores over the heat of it. Wish I could say more about it, but words escape me. Enjoy the photos on facebook... the uploader isn't working for this blog right now.

I'm sitting here listening to the Help album, courtesy of my dad, and couldn’t be happier. I have yet to cease being amazed and graciously reminded that I have so much love in my life. Sorry to those of you who may get sick of hearing this, but it’s what keeps me going here. And I feel lucky to be so ever-aware and reminded of it.

Send me some “you” music and I’ll sit here listening to it, thinking of you the whole time. But don’t send it until I get my new address in two weeks. If you do, it may be months before I get it.

My love goes to each of you every day.

Loverpants, you are amazing. Don’t you forget it.

MONDAY:

Yesterday, I had the best roadtrip of my life. Music makes everything wonderful, and I LOVE these people. We sang and danced to old school hip hop almost the entire six hours it took to get to Coban. We stopped at Pollo Campero in Guate City and I ate way too much ridiculously bad-for-you food. LOVE GRAPE SODA, even though it tastes like Dimetapp and Robitussin.

As we drove and sang and danced I reflected inside how lucky I am. To drive through the immaculate beauty of Guatemala with such wonderful people on the way to live out my fantasies was unreal. We got there and I let my better judgment appease my initial intimidation of Gualberto Pop, who is the spitting visual image of Machismo. And good that I did. We drove 10 or 15 minutes to his spot of heaven upon his hill. Steep, but SO WORTH the climb after parking the car a 10-minute walk away. Indescribable beauty to live in such a kingdom of beautiful perfection. At the base of his hill is a ravine, with a creek separating us from a forest—the likes of whose thick, luscious beauty I have so often dreamt of. I hear there is also a cave, but woe to me that there is not enough time this week to explore (plus, women aren’t allowed in caves for superstitious reasons—not so uncommon here).

I woke up this morning to fabulous Keq-Chi Marimba music and the angelic face of Inés—the one-year-seven-month-old baby girl/granddaughter who loves to call out my name, “Mana.” Last night I made my first tortilla and it got burnt, but, estuvo bien—ya era fea. :)

Anyway, DELICIOUS homemade tortillas to start the day off saw me and Gualberto off to the Chirrepec Tea Coop. Today we learned the history of how the Germans bought this land which the government stole from the Keq-Chi in the 1880’s. They introduced teas and exotic fruits, built a mansion (WAY COOL RUINS), a tea factory, and as pass came to pass, eventually the Germans were shipped off and the cooperative was handed back over to the Keq-Chi with the government’s hands still involved. As the government’s term faded out at the Coop, the Keq-Chi took it and ran with it. Since 1970-something it has been growing, and now each of the members affords to send their kids through high school, and some even through college. But, no fear of corruption or pocketing of money thanks to the consejo vigilancia’s system of checks and balances. Pretty neat.

Then we went to Coban to buy way too much chocolate and eat at a fabulous comedor, and returned to the coop to work on our charlas for tomorrow. We each met individually with our APCD to talk about site expectations and I got to say that, actually, the most important thing to me was that the people were really excited to have me there and to work with me. And, that I was flexible with everything regarding place as long as I could bathe every day. And that I was vegetarian. But, it ended with him telling me that he believes my flexibility will make me one of the excellent ones in whichever site I end up in. I don’t know if I could’ve asked for a better vote of confidence.

TUESDAY:

So the charlas happened, and I loved it. I learned a few words in Keq-Chi (na-chiin, oah-chiin, for hello women and men, bantiox for thank you, ma sa le ch’ol for ¿qué tal?, qwalak-chik for adios) from the Pop family and gave an excellent performance. We did the corn dance (words translated into Keq-Chi: utzuuj (flower), hal (fruit/corn), xxaq (leaf), rutzahil (stem), xxel (roots)) and then played hot potato so they would have to answer my questions if they were holding the “potato.” They all and we all had a great time—thank you to my trainers and fellow trainees for doing the corn dance with me. (Embarassment)

WEDNESDAY:

Happy Birthday, Tricia! We celebrated with cake after a day’s worth of information about a group called Forestrade and also MAGA (Ministry of Agriculture, Ganaderia and Alimentación), BanRural, and FINCA. I ended the day (of not feeling so hot) by going to the lab to find out that I have amoebas!!! WOOT! Medicine tomorrow.

THURSDAY:

We started the day at Intecap (An institute for the capacitation of individuals in trade skills). It’s a great program that I’m eager to look more into. We, as volunteers, even have the opportunity to get capacitated by them to teach our skills in a more effective manner to adults. We then went to ANACAFE to learn how they cup coffee and what the difficulties for many producers are in getting a quality product, and then, if they have quality, in getting it off the ground. After a trip to another excellent comedor, we drove to ANACAFE’s finca, where they grow coffee (imagine that!). We took a walk up a tremendously steep hill, climbing the numerous (to say the least) terraces of coffee plants, only to be rewarded by the most breathtaking, spectacular view of my life. All around us there were beautifully patterned rows of coffee, rolling hills, valleys, and forests atop the highest parts. Clouds, mist, and sun peaking through it all made it indescribably amazing. The pictures I took do it no justice. One must be there to breathe it all in.

At the end of the day, I got home to my Pop family and talked of my bliss for awhile. We then took a family photo as a token to remember them by, and they dressed me up in their traje de Coban. Due to my being at least 10 inches taller, and sizably bigger than each of them, I felt like a giant ball of cloth. But they told me I looked very elegant. Because of me being dressed up, Inés insisted that she put on her traje, too. Eventually, Doña Marta, Ruty, Blanca, and Inés and I were all dressed up in Traje. Walter, Edgar, and Don Gualberto joined us in their western clothing and we posed for a photo. I took several in my photo shoot, and was totally validated (if it was needed at all is debatable) when Doña Marta grabbed and clasped my hand over her shoulder for one of the poses. I felt so loved.

FRIDAY:

I packed up and said goodbye, sent off with woes of how sad it was that I had to leave. They wanted me to stay!!! Sadly, I had to say “diosh,” (that’s how Inés says adios), and take my last trip down the hill from heaven. We said our gracious thanks to the men of the Coop for sharing their families and tremendous hospitality and went to Coban for a nice piece of chocolate cake and some coffee at a restaurant owned by an RPCV who served in Guate in the 3rd group (in the sixties) and married a Guatemalan. Her restaurant is also an exotic orchid garden that exhibits pieces of work from local artists. As I shared my pictures over coffee and cake, the volunteer who’s been working at the Coop for the last two years and had hosted us all week told me I had managed to gain “mad confianza.” He let me know it was a big deal to be so taken in by them so quickly, and to be dressed up in their Traje. I was bursting with excitement, to say the least.

We visited a Cardamom processing plant and got to breathe in the intoxicatingly fabulous aroma of cardamom for about two hours, while one of the other volunteers who was hosting us that week talked the ear off of the tour guide about futures and yada yada and some blah blah blah about cardamom. If I had understood half of what they were saying in Spanish, I would’ve been able to keep my interest up. But, I don’t think I would’ve even understood them if there were talking in English. It’s all good, it was sweet to breathe it all in.

We checked into our hostel for our last night in Coban, rested, checked facebook, and then met the fraternity that is the hoard of male Volunteers in or around Coban (as well as a few visiting from other parts of Guate) for dinner at a garage-turned-exquisite Cuban restaurant, owned by a Cuban ex-pat. Again, the food put me in a state of ecstasy. So Happy I AM.

I’ve been feeling better lately, since I started doing my Yoga AND Pilates regularly. And this morning, I was feeling really good about things when I finished, until… until I dropped the big glass lid that covers the bread plate and broke it… until I kicked mango dog poop while I was wearing FLIP FLOPS (!!!)… until I almost dropped my fork full of incredible macadamia nut pancakes with blueberry jelly on my lap… But really? What can I complain about? I’m buying a new lid, there were wet ones to wipe off my toes, and I saved the forkful of deliciousness. All is well. And I mean, nothing could be that bad on a day when you have the world’s best macadamia nut pancakes with macadamia nut butter and blueberry jam smothered all over the top of them. I’m talking about heaven. Heaven in my mouth. AND the 1 lb. bag of white chocolate bells filled with chopped macadamia nuts; those didn’t last very long (don’t talk smack; I shared… a little).

We had feedback today, and it was very reassuring. I think I’m getting more and more excited each time. It’s becoming so much more real. We leave Sunday 9/20 to go to FBT (Field Based Training) and I’m pretty excited to see what it will be like. We’ll be experiencing the lifestyle of a current volunteer and giving charlas to his assigned organization of a 50-Keq’Chi-women Coffee Cooperative. There will be translators to tell them what we’re saying in Spanish into their Mayan language – so cool. We also get to visit organizations such as ANACAFE and INTECAP to see just how the nonprofit world fits into development here in Guatemala. I wish I could tell you more about them, but at this point I’m still trying to figure things out myself.

The day is fast approaching that we find out our site-assignments. October 8th will read our fate for the next two years, and I’m pretty much really looking forward to it. We meet with our APCD (Assistant Peace Corps Director) sometime during our FBT to discuss what we want most out of a site. I will say something like, “I want to unite people, I want to organize, I want to make people smile, and I want weather that permits taking a warm bucket bath every day without freezing my butt off once the water runs off.” No big deal. J We’ve been told that many of the assignments will be in locations higher up in the mountains where it gets mighty chilly.

I’m sure I’ll have much more to report in the next two weeks.

Some things making me happy right now:

- Torrential downpour right this moment

- 20-minute relaxation soundtracks

- Reading The Shack

- A tummy full of heaven

I miss each of you more and more every day.

To Uncle Noodles, I would like to say thank you for being who you’ve been in my life and for encouraging my dream so enthusiastically. I couldn’t be more satisfied with the way things add up, and appreciate you heartily. I think of you and the family often and am sending you healing thoughts.

*I'm attempting to post an album to facebook right now.

Couldn't pick which one I liked best... a dusk shoot with a little bit of humo.

A hillside finca.

... Today we had our first meeting with the group of Artisans we’ll be working with. I was nervous, but I think that’s just habitual (maybe it was little bit because I had to give my first presentation in Spanish to people who only understand Spanish, EVER). When I got up to talk in Spanish in front of the group of 8-12 Guatemalans we were meeting with, I shone proud—even with my runny nose, dry, itchy throat, and dizziness. I felt so much more at ease after we played our “rompehielo” and learned everyone’s name and the product they made. I’m pretty excited to do more of these presentations and to have the time to get to know the people we’re working with personally—it makes working with them so rewarding. So lucky I am to be doing a job where I have to draw from my desire to connect with people.

So, I’m trying to make a point of remembering that I need not worry.

There is a lot of time for reflection; reflection on how lucky I am, the quality people and things I’ve available to me to rely on, and the perfection of the situation I’ve allowed myself to be in. Each day I am excited for the next, and for the endless opportunities that lie ahead to live.

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Doña Ana has been taking good care of me with my gripe, making me vegetable soup and hot bucket baths. I really enjoy spending time with this family, reflecting collectively on how lucky we are to get home just before the downpour hits, and then enjoying the sound of it on the lamina just the same. We ate at Pollo Campero yesterday after church and enjoyed eating almost the entire two bottles of ketchup with “papaya” (=corn syrup) on the table (well, they did anyway). There’s nothin’ like you’re “all-Guatemalan” fast food chicken (until I can cook for myself, I’m a vegetarian who eats chicken occasionally). **The cookies were a HUGE success - everyone loved them, especially me.**

This is Mariana (my little niece) and me. :)

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Last Thursday, Shaila taught us and her Doña a few different steps to salsa and Eduardo, our maestro, was quite the T.A. I feel like, with just two or more days of practice, being led by the two of them, we will be experts. But, really, I am glad she did. You know how there’s someone who thinks some hobby of theirs is just the cat’s meow, and you don’t? And they want to convince you, in any manner possible, that it really is? And, once they finally get you to do it, you realize it’s not so bad, and yes, you actually do like to dance? Well, thank you, Shaila, for helping me to remember that it’s okay to be comfortable in my skin at all times.

The people I’m spending my time with are calidad.

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I suppose that’s all for now. But, one last thing: in case you’re wondering, the music I’m listening to at the moment that’s making me feel some kind of wonderful is a little bit of Taj Mahal and Frank Sinatra, mixed in with some Save Ferris and Harry Connick, Jr. Just watched When Harry Met Sally, and couldn’t be in a better mood here with my runny nose, dry, itchy throat, and dizziness. Buenas noches, que descansa.

These photos portray our group at 2:30 in the morning, waiting for the Washington National Airport to begin serving customers (at 4:00am).

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Last night, as I was falling asleep, I was interrupted by a booming thunder. We’ve been instructed that, when it’s not cloudy, that boom comes from the active (but lazy) volcano outside my bedroom window when it decides to puff out some smoke. I ran up to the window to look and saw streams of lava coming out the top (no, sadly I did not get a picture)!!! Three different streams of glowing red, molten lava popped out of the volcano. Exciting, yeah? I couldn’t sleep. But the next morning when I shared the excitement I was informed it was a normal occurrence. Thus, sleep shall return this evening—sans fear of Pompeii II.

On to more exciting things:

Being in a room with a group of 33 people that are all comfortable with themselves, desire nothing of others except to share who they are and what they have to give to them, and that are just happy to BE is something I don’t think I’d give up for the world. I believe that this group is one whole part of the reason I came here.

The other part, the BIG, huge part is the people of Guate. SO HOSPITABLE they are, and so open to your presence. I’m staying with Doña Ana and Don Manuel (owner of a finca de café that produces AMAZING coffee—YES, I’m very much enjoying drinking it), and their three children (Jose, 22 on August 29th, Milton, 28 on September 2nd, Flor, 29) and one grandchild (Mariana, 7, so sweet—she likes to scare the bejeezus out of me). We sit at the kitchen table and talk, watch enthralling telenovelas (juicy ones), and eat AMAZING food, and I love it. I love everything about it. I’m going to attempt to make my cookies for the upcoming birthdays, and went on a successful quest to find real chocolate chips today in order to do so.

We cleaned beans my first Saturday to make them ready for cooking and Doña Ana described to me the art of making FABULOUS frijoles negros—I will have to practice with her during my three months here. I MEAN THEY’RE AMAZING! We went to church my first Sunday, and I met the volunteer who had lived here previously (Melanie). ¡Que calidad tiene ella!

We (me, Tricia, Shaila, and Annalisa) will be working in a small town between two volcanoes (one of which I have a clear view from my bedroom window). We’re here to help Artisans improve their sales either by adding value or diversifying their product, as well as finding buyers or better locations to sell. This is our training project for the next three months, which will help us gain the necessary skills to get to know and work with other Guatemalans for the next two years. We recently met some of our participants and got to taste the excitement of actually having the opportunity to be effective. We also introduced ourselves to the mayor: “Soy Amanda Baker, soy de California, y soy licensiada en ciencias políticas. En los estados, trabajaba con una compañia que trabaja por el medio ambiente sostenible.”

To fathom the invaluable experience I’m about to have is beyond exciting. I consider myself lucky to be a part of the Peace Corps and to contribute to its legacy of contributions. What an extraordinary opportunity to gain mucha from the opportunity to learn who I am, and what it means to be a part of this world.

…

At about 5:15 this morning, the local convention of street dogs, or cuchos, decided to have a conference right outside my bedroom window. It seems to be the regular meeting place for them as of late. I suppose it will become a regular thing, which I will learn to sleep through. It did, however, pose a grand opportunity for a spectacular photo of the volcano at dawn. Oh, and, there were two more incidences of booming lava last night. I don’t think I could ever get tired of it.

Later this morning, I was relieved of my guilt for making everyone a few minutes late for church by a parade that started on the street, again, right outside my bedroom window. You know, just your usual Sunday morning parade, with ALL the schools in the surrounding areas in their band-suit bests… an early start to celebrating the day of Independence, official date September 15th (Sara I will surely be celebrating your birthday here). We were serenaded with such popular hits as “YMCA” and the Pink Panther song, among several others. They were quite amazing (they’re actually still going as I write this), and even made me tear up just a little. Being the sap that I am, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by the joy of listening to the awesome Guatemalan performance, while looking at a beautiful volcano, watching it make tiny puffs of smoke, allllll right outside my bedroom window. How lucky am I???

…

To my family and “framily”, please know that I am there with you. My heart is with you.

I love you.

I went to Michigan last weekend for several reasons:

1) to visit family,

2) to visit U Mich's Ford School and speak with a Graduate Advisor, and

3) to be away from California.

The experience was a mix of wonderful and what may be considered quite frustrating to many...

My delayed flight arrived Friday morning at 1:00am to find no hotel shuttle. I'd tried calling the Rodeway Inn (fancy establishment) all day (aside from when I was flying) to let them know I'd be a late arrival and to not give up my room, knowing that of course, everyone else in the world would be trying to take it, but got a busy signal every time. I was forced to just wing it and see what happened when I got there. Now the cabbies at Detroit Metropolitan Airport charge $22 to take you ONE mile to the hotel strip, so a luxury car driver offered to charge the same (it was very nice).

Come to find out, the power was out along the entire strip of hotels near the airport, and had been since about 4:30pm that afternoon (which would explain the busy phone lines and no shuttles running, since the gas station across the street had no power, either). Well, lucky for me I had my confirmation printed out and was still able to have a bed to sleep in. The hotel employee showed me to my room and gave me a candle, with a goodnight message of, "I don't know how you'll manage, ma'am." I told him, "I'll figure it out, thank you and goodnight." I put my lone 12" candle in a plastic cup and surrounded it with a washcloth to keep it standing, washed my face with the unheated running water, blew out the candle and went to bed.

Four hours later, I awoke to find the power still out, the shower quite cold, and my way back to the airport to pick up my rental car. Since the shuttle was not running, still, they were nice enough to give me a ride back in their personal car, and wouldn't take a tip. So, with a pleasant greeting and bottle of water from the nice folks at Enterprise, off to Ann Arbor I went.

Now, I was rather surprised by how beautiful I found Michigan to be. There was NO TRAFFIC, trees everywhere, and the whole place was just green. The people were nice and I found my way into Ann Arbor, no problem. Following my handy-dandy campus map, I made my way over to the Ford School of Public Policy and got to sit and wait a little longer. The Advisor I was scheduled to meet with was caught up in a seminar and would be a little late. The nice Registrar lady took me in to answer any burning questions I may have had, the front-desk man took me on a tour of the building, and I happily sat and read my book until Scott (the advisor) arrived an hour later.

Well, the visit was nothing short of a success. I am excited, confident, and motivated to take that next step, two years from now. WOO HOO! Also, a bit of symbolic reassurance: I walked toward the student Union to get a bite to eat before heading to Grand Rapids to visit my family and saw right outside the door a plaque that said that was the very spot JFK announced the conception of the Peace Corps in 1960, before it was officially signed into action in 1961. As I stood there taking a picture with my Peace Corps bag on arm, a nice group of people walked up to acknowledge the plaque, and then my bag, and asked how I was affiliated - I got to share with them my excitement about going to Guatemala and all just seemed right at that moment in time.

Ahh, sweet opportunity.

Oh, the drive to Grand Rapids was just beautiful, easy, and pleasant, and into my family's arms I ran. My cousin Peter, also born on April 7th, though some years ahead of me, has the most beautiful family. He married a gorgeous and sweet, sweet wife, Sherri, and now has three perfect kids; Tristan (13), Taylor (11), and Turner (7). I had the best time, and am so happy to have had the opportunity to get to know all of them just a little bit better. We spent lots of time outside at baseball games and Grand Haven beach, and playing games and drinking mojitos and just enjoying the splendor of fabulous family. OH! I saw my first fireflies!!! It was an exciting moment, for sure.

Well, as pleasant as the weekend was, my patience and acceptance were truly tried on Monday, as I made my way back to Sacramento. Let's just say visiting 5 different states in one day isn't the most pleasant adventure, and then dealing with lost luggage at the end of all of it (all of it = taking off finally, two hours late at 3:40pm EDT and landing at 10:30pm PDT) truly iced the cake. But, I must say, the whole adventure was just a sweet reminder of all the upheaval and emotional rollercoasters I will be experiencing in the two years to come. I handled myself rather well, and didn't even get irritated until the last moment, when they insisted I wait for all the luggage of all the recently-landed flights to go around the carousels before letting me file a report saying I needed them to call me the next day when my luggage finally arrives (which I knew would be the case, so the extra waiting at the end of an especially long day was just unnecessary cruelty).

But I'm only stronger because of it, right? And the weekend in Michigan was well worth the trouble.

All will be as it will be and I will learn to live through it, acceptingly. :)

It's so good to know that I'm doing what I want.

It's so good to know that I don't know what I'm doing.

It's so good to know that whatever I do, it will be good.

It's so good to know that my life will evolve from doing this unknown good.

It's so good to know that, even if what I do doesn't seem good now, the future has been changed because of the good I'm doing.

It's so good to know that I love what I'm getting myself into.

It's so good to know that life cannot be mapped out.

It's so good to know that living an unmapped life usually brings you what you want, even when you don't know you want it.

It's so good to know that the world is my Oyster - even if what appears to be happening isn't what I'd mapped out.

Es tan bueno saber que todo es como debe ser, siempre.

Peace Corps parties are fun. Everyone's excited, even if they have yet to apply. Returned volunteers are excited to share with you their experiences and advice, applicants and nominees are excited to hear what they'll be going through for the next year+, invitees are excited they'll be leaving SOON...

I was told I looked like a bride on her wedding day. If any of you don't know what that looks like, imagine someone glowing with love for the way things are and will be (at least in their minds at the time, anyway). ;-)

I don't really know what I'll be doing - my Project Description has laid out a very detailed outline of what my project may entail, but, if I learned anything more concretely from this evening, it's that nothing is concrete. I'm 100% OKAY with that, and look forward for the challenge of making something out of nothing, even if that something is nothing tangible. Relationships will be built, perspectives and tolerance gained, respect learned, and lives changed. What more could I hope for?

As I sit here reading aloud my hundreds of pages required of me before I call to confirm that YES, I WANT TO SERVE, I make my mom (and myself) tear up at the fact that I will be experiencing unimaginable familiarity in a place as yet so unfamiliar to me.

I will be in Guatemala for two years and three months, starting August 12th, 2009, and will be leaving August 10th for my pre-service orientation.

I will be a Marketing Facilitator for Sustainable Agriculture, helping to promote sustainable and rewarding business practices and fortification/diversification of clientele for local growers (from what I can gather at this point in my reading).

I will be learning the lives and hearts of people so foreign from what I know or understand at this time in my life, and I cannot wait. I cannot wait for how much larger my heart will become, for how much I will learn and how much I will be giving each day. I cannot wait for the upcoming fostered ability to release all things unimportant and trivial from my daily dose of mind-madness.

I anxiously and fearfully await the challenge I face, and am fully prepared to tackle it head on. The Land of Eternal Spring will be my new home SO SOON!

More to come, love to you.

"Las olas dicen a la costa firme: 'Todo será cumplido.'"

- Neruda

First, abovewavesofelectricwires = the state of being I try to reside in, put so beautifully into words by Dispatch. Give 'em a listen.

Now, where am I going, you ask? And when? Well, I do not know.

In January, 2008, I submitted the application. Delays and yadayada put me through the entire process in just over a year, finally receiving my medical clearance on April 9th, 2009 (two days after my birthday - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!). What an adventure that was. :/

I was originally nominated for Municipal Development in Latin America, departing late June, but was told on April 29th that I'd actually be going to Africa, early August.

I wanted to go to Latin America because I speak a lil espanjol, and because for some reason, the culture has always intrigued me - studied a lot of Latin American culture at good ol' yookla. Then there's that little bit of ANCIENT CIVILIZATION and the mysticism/perfection behind it that was a small draw, and the rain forest, and the equatorial/tropical climate (if I were assigned my dream spot, Peru/Ecuador)... and all the amazingness one could imagine (if one were me).

But Africa? Hmm... Africa. AFRICA. Doesn't it sound grand? Who wouldn't want to know what it was like to live in Africa? It helped when she (my Placement Officer) told me that the undisclosed country I'd be going to was a highly desirable assignment, and that the country and people were just THE honest beauty of the world. A world of excitement had just been thrust upon me, which took every last ounce of hunger right from my stomach. It was finally happening! I was going to AFRICA! Crazy/incredible/exciting/scary/OMG. My invitation is coming in 10 days, and that's it! Just a few months more and I'll be helping plan and implement water sanitation projects, marketing them to the community and getting them more involved, and helping with HIV education and prevention. What a difference I will make, in their lives and mine. I would've never dreamed anything so great.

Alas, it was too good to be true. The next morning, my first email said, "I'm sorry, Africa is no longer an option." GASP! What?! What does this mean? No appetite. Again. To add insult to injury, my gal in Washington (she's really very nice and helpful) is going to be out of the office until the end of May, at which time she'll be able to look at my paperwork again to try to fit me in Latin America, again.

*Try running a half marathon after all that emotional turmoil - no, really, don't try; it's awful.*

So I have some more forms to fill out, and you can bet they'll be the most consice representation of my "skill set" possible.

So, what do I gain? What do I have available to me to bring me out of my fear of never being able to go?

I suppose it helps to return to point. I want to help people. And, I just will have to trust that I'm going to be where I'm ultimately supposed to be at the time I'm supposed to be there. The world is not against me, and I have too much I'm just itching to give, for it to not work out.

In my time of waiting... and waiting and waiting... you all have been so great to encourage me and be excited with me. THANK YOU. I love you all.