Dear Tori,

I have not written a blog in quite a while because I have been super busy. I have many things on my mind and not a lot of time to elaborate on all of them.

Christmas was fantastic. I stayed in Bregovo, got fat, ate a lot, drank a lot, and went on my usual 6+ Christmas nagostis, ending at my counterpart's house.

My actual birthday, I was at school. My colleagues surprised me with a cocktail in the teacher's lounge. I received a huge Bulgarian clock to help me get to school on time :) It was so nice, got lots of hugs, kisses, and presents from my little kids. They are so sweet. I definitely do not deserve any of this. I kind of just try not to think about it. I made cookies and printed out the recipe in Bulgarian and handed it out to all the colleagues and store owners here. I had an apartment party, where I cooked for everyone. I know I'm not the best cook....so my food MOST DEFINITELY got judged by my Bulgarian friends. My counterpart is so sassy. She admitted to me during the party that she didn't like the food I would bake 2.5 years ago....but then tried to make me feel better by telling me that I have gotten better at cooking and baking....but only a little bit. I love her anyways :)

After a month that started like S*#!, I was in need to see other volunteers. This past Saturday, I celebrated my birthday with other PCVs and several BG friends. It was the best weekend in a long time. I will be friends with these people FOREVER. I love the support that I got. Being snowed in for a little bit, it was great to get out of the village and according to Tom and Donna from Parks and Rec, sometimes you have to "treat yo self." And yes, I treated myself. I went to the gym for the first time in 32 months....still soar. I walked in there with a baba bag and snow boots, since I didn't bring any running shoes. No shame.

I love PCVs and all that we do for our sites, but what I love the most is the support system that we have for each other. We call each other all the time when things go bad, we treat each other when someone needs something, and we celebrate together once in a while. It makes seeing these people even better when you don't get together that often. My point is, I had a wonderful time and it definitely got my mind of the things that have been happening recently, personally. Also, I am glad that I had the Bulgarian skills to yell and scream at mtel. Babas have raised me for 3 years....i know I to yell in Bulgarian and get my way :)

Construction of the room is moving along. I believe all that is left is the ceiling, lights, and the cooling/heating system. For Bulgaria, work is surprisingly on time :)

Looking forward to planning a grand opening.

Dear Tori,

I would first like to say how unbelievably exhausted I am from my travels this past week. Going to the other end of Bulgaria is a huge hurdle. But add the train strike, and a volunteer is left with very little travel options. It's good that I have had ample experience in getting over traveling hurdles, coming from Bregovo and all :) I made my way to Tim's camp to help him with his sports and health camp in Zavet. If you don't know where that is, picture Bregovo (northwest corner) and Zavet is near Ruse (northeast). His students were amazing, bright and clever. They listened and took instructions well. My HIV/AIDS part went smooth. At dinner, the boys were well behaved, and I finally had to sing. I did my thing, but what impressed me the most were some of the boys who performed as well. Despite what life has handed to them, they still DREAM! Everyone knows that I am a sucker for kids, but seeing that made my day. Working with kids I think is the hardest job in the world, and when I see the work that other Peace Corps volunteers do around Bulgaria, I feel a sense of pride that the things that we do here has the potential to make a child's day, even if it is just one. The day was tiresome, but I had a smile on my face because of the kids' enthusiasm.

I finally went to an X Factor concert show, after trying and failing time and time again to organize a day where I can attend. The concerts were usually on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and it is impossible for me to go to Sofia and back on a weekday. Anyways, it was the final results concert and it was on a Sunday, which worked out well for my schedule. I had friends with me there, new and old. It was a once in a lifetime "only in Bulgaria" experience. I met Rado and gave him the plates from America that I had promised him that last day of filming in Burgas. He was nice enough to save me 5 tickets to the concert. As I sat there watching these three amazing performers, I couldn't help but think in my head that I could have been there. This thought goes through my head every time I watch the show. But I have no regrets. Raffi, Bogi, and Sani were amazing. When Raffi won, I was very proud, shed a tear maybe. These kids are following and doing what they want to do, their passion in life. It takes me back to my childhood days when I would pretend to perform and dreaming that one day it would happen...and it kinda did for a second. I'm proud that this show has given someone an opportunity, something that this country, za sujalenie, does not have a lot of. I guess the theme of this blog is DREAM. Sounds corny, but it is what I have seen all this week. Kids dreaming big. Coming from a village that has a lot of apathy and/or pessimism, it is nice to see that dreaming isn't 'dead.' Seeing other volunteers' students has made me miss mine, and I can't wait to teach them and rehearse with them this week. Jesus, I need to stop. Peace Corps has turned me into a big old softy.

Dear Tori,

It was fun while it lasted. Time to move on. But I am allowing myself to smoke cigarettes this week, just to take off the edge.

Thanksgiving was zabaven. I am ever more grateful to have such amazing friends here. It was also nice not to have banitsa, lentils, and trushiq for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I feel proud of myself today for making it through all my classes without a cup of coffee. Lately, I have been relying way too heavily on coffee to give me that push. But a bit of yoga and some mental strength got me through 8A. Gave up coffee, took on smoking for a week. Ujas.

I Christmas "decorated" my apartment today. By that, I mean setting up my perpetually set-up christmas tree and plugging in the lights. My baba has made turlatsi and chorapi for a whole bunch of my friends, so I wrapped them. I have a feeling my narodni drehi will be coming soon and if so, totally wearing that for Christmas. I am not afraid to sport that in Bregovo, dori v Sofia.

Recent personal disappointments and school related tragedies have got me strumming on my guitar so hard that I broke some strings. Last time I changed the string to my guitar, I slashed my hand....don't ask me how. Second time's the charm? Is that how the saying goes?

I really need to figure out what I am going to do next. Bungee jump. WOOF.

Dear Tori,

Great things are happening. Despite not having any lights in my apartment, I have realized just how much positive thinking helps a PCV. Construction is under way for my rehearsal room. Bulgarian donors are helping make this happen. The best thing about this is that my students and colleagues can see how generous their fellow countrymen can be, that all these things are from Bulgarians who want to help. It makes me tear up every time I think about how much people have helped me with this project just because they want to. Some Bulgarians do care about this region. Oh, kolko sum 6tasliv. 2 years and 7 months ago, I would never have guessed that I would still be in Bulgaria, as content as I am right now. This job is tough and it's not easy, especially when you love kids as much as I do, and see and hear some things that you don't want to see or hear. But it feels so good when you realize that all your hard work has paid off....when your kids listen, when they want to participate, when they actually want to learn, when your colleagues catch your positivity....when programs become implemented and when your dream project, something that you feel the school needs to implement....happens :) Despite all the "colorful" things I have gone through in Bregovo, I can leave this place knowing that my service that has meant so much to me, was worth it. I didn't give up 3 years here, I lived it to the fullest. These three years have been the best 3 years of my life, I can honestly say. As I sit here in my kitchen, I am constantly reminded of the generosity and hospitality of this country (as I look at the 24 jars of compot, pickles, and other jarred food that my students have been constantly giving me since last week for no apparent reason). I was at dinner with a friend of mine, and he asked me how I can live with what little I have here in Bulgaria. I told him that I came here with nothing, and have gained so much in the end, a family, friends, and 3 years worth of memories. I have left my own personal legacy in Bregovo and in Bulgaria, and I hope that Bregovo knows that they have changed me in ways they will never know. As Joe Reid wrote in the b-25 yearbook, 'every nagosti a banquet, every living allowance a fortune, every horo a parade.' Totally my Bulgaria.

Dear Tori,

I was talking to a fellow 3rd year extendee b-25 about the emotional rhythms and cycles we go through in our service. Although we have had different experiences in the 2.5 years that we have been here, we both agreed that "it constantly rains." Smisel, we volunteers deal with unpleasant things everyday. But whenever something good happens, "you just have an umbrella over your head." Whether or not you agree with our volunteer life philosophy, we both agreed that the emotional cycle is at an 'umbrella' phase for both of us at this point of our service. We don't know when that 'umbrella' will be pulled from our hands, but it is such a rare occasion that we are just enjoying the moment. It was just last week where I was laying in bed, feeling like death, babas knocking on my door forcing boiled rice water down my throat, getting baba socks, and eating some Bulgarian remedy for the 5 sicknesses I had at once. And this weekend, I learned some rules to rugby (which in fact are easier and a lot less complicated that American footbal), discovered that apricot rakia is probably my favorite domashna, had dinner at a fancy restaurant with famous Bulgarians, get my project funded, and got a job offers for next year. You never know what you get with Bulgaria.

Can I please talk about last night? Yes. I took public transportation to the restaurant where Iva invited me to meet the head of the organization who wants to help fund my project in Bregovo. I walked halfway there, in the rain, in clothes that haven't been washed in god know how many weeks, and some pretty muddy boots. Mind you, I have completely forgot about standards since I've been a volunteer in Bulgaria. Standards for a fancy dinner. What is that? Anyways, I take the elevator to the 12th floor to the restaurant. The elevator opens and I ask for Ms. Ekimova. There in the corner of the rooftop I see the most gorgeously clothed, tall, blonde, woman. The server takes me there. She turns around and the first thing she says is "SO MUCH BAGGAGE!" Here is a famous Bulgarian in a fur wrap with perfect hair and makeup....and there I was, a troll in a wet leather jacket. I felt so embarrassed in regards to my appearance. Anyways, we start chatting and in comes Mr. Angelov....yes the same Dimitar Angelov, 2 time world champion in kickboxing and holds 2 guiness world records. We talked about how much, what to do, when to do, 'all that stuff.' 'All that stuff' ended being just a tangent on a colorful night with colorful conversations, which was a pleasant surprise. He just really wanted to meet me and to help me out, and most importantly according to him, to get to know me, since I apparently made him cry with my performance. A fancy dinner, new famous friends, and people willing to help me with my project? I ain't lettin go of this umbrella any time soon...:)

Dear Tori,

School is in full session, and I have more hours of teaching this year. That's fine by me because I enjoy being busy. I have to say, I have seen a slight improvement in how my students behave and learn this year. I know it might be too early in the year to say this, but I've been teaching the same children for the 3rd year now, and I know their own individual characteristics and how they learn. My younger kids knew things I didn't now they knew. They remembered things and they are participating more. It helps me because I now don't go into class dreading it because they are always excited. As for the older kids, they actually go to class! For me as a teacher, if you try, that means a lot more to me than if you don't go to class but know your stuff. The kids who never went to my classes are now there! I was very impressed and they actually try to do their work, even though it might be all wrong. Teaching is stressful, exhausting, and burns you out. I thought that I would be burned out now that I'm in my 3rd year....but I am enjoying it as if it was still my "honeymoon" phase of my volunteering experience.

This Friday, I was in Sofia to get my flu shot. I have never signed so many autographs in my life. If it made their day, then I am happy. And I also got to get away from the non stop nagostis. I needed to take a malka pochivka s babite i diadovtsi.

There are moments when I am watching X Factor, and think "I could have been there." But getting calls from organizations wanting to help fund projects that I have for my school reassures me that I did make the right decision. Seeing my students try in the classroom because they don't want to disappoint me is the best thing. I chose them over X Factor, but I want them to know that they make me proud. It's amazing how sometimes, the teacher takes on the parent role. I feel like an older brother to my older kids, and an uncle to the younger ones....it'll be tough to leave them. I am already preparing myself emotionally.

With the advice from some fabulous Peace Corps staff, I think I know what I want to do in for my community as one last "thank you, I love you all" project. Stay tuned.

Lastly, it is cold. Already. It's october. Vremeto e gotovo za cute scarves, hats, and jakets....but zima has come early and I am scared of when it really does come. Smisel, BOZHE. One more thing....so I'm singing at a concert for the school tomorrow. My director gave me a song to memorize with my choir. So I learned the song on the guitar, memorized the words, and taught it to my choir. Then I found out from some Bulgarian friends that....it is a communist song. As long as the kids don't know this....Im

Dear Tori,

I am back in Bulgaria. I've been back for less than a week, and it feels like it's been months. I mean this in the best way possible. First of all, words can't express how much I love my fellow b-25 extendees. I was basically the last one out of the airport last Tuesday night because of some lichna karta problems. I was so tired from the trip and I was dreading taking a cab ride to the center and finding a place to sleep. When I walk out of the check point thing, I see some the b-25s! I was so surprised! I honestly was! I did not expect it at all!!! They came and met me at the airport! I love these people and I always will for the rest of my life.

I get back to Bregovo and immediately go to nagosti with my counterpart. Oh the taste of rakia after 3 weeks bez neq. Heaven. Anyways, I told them all about my vacation in America and showed them pictures and whatnot. The next day, I went to school and kissed everyone and greeted everyone. I was scared to go back because I hate attention, but it was inevitable and I had to go. My first class that I taught was 4a, which is my absolute favorite class to teach. After that, I knew something was going on because my counterpart would not let me out of the teacher's lounge. I stay in there with her, and I hear no screaming in the hallway which was a HUGE signal that something WAS going on. She takes me to the sportnata zala....and EVEYRONE was in there!!! MUSIC, SCREAMING, KISSES, HUGS, EVERYTHING all at once and I was overwhelmed, but I kept it cool, meaning I didn't cry. LOL. Natasha goes to the mic and says something and I see a sign that said "To our teacher with love." Almost lost it, but didn't. And then I get up there and I say something in Bulgarian and English and everyone just laughs, and I just thank them from the bottom of my heart because I did not deserve any of this and I know how hard it is to plan things like this. And then I get flowers and this book from the students. And in this book is a letter from every class in the school thanking me and congratulating me. They didn't have to do that. After that, we played the horo, danced a little, and took pictures. I was so excited to go into my classes that day. All the kids wanted to know so many things, and of course I told them everything! No english was spoken in class that day. After school, it was the teachers' turn to celebrate with me. We celebrated, and I received a gramota from the mayor of Bregovo. Also, the teachers collectively wrote a letter to me....it was all very very nice.

I haven't stopped eating, drinking, and going to nagostis since I've arrived....just saying. I love my town and friends THIS MUCH!!! (AS I STICK OUT MY FULL BELLY).

When I made my decision to stay, I never expected to have this type of reaction from everyone. Yes, there are some people who tell me that I should have continued with X Factor. But seeing my kids, my friends, and my colleagues welcome me with such open arms and to see how much I was appreciated, it made me feel secure that I did make the right decision. I will never get used to people thanking me for what I've done to Bregovo. As I look into my last year as a volunteer, I get sad that soon, I am leaving them at the end of the school year. What I've learned from these people, I can never repay. They've taught me how to be a better person. They've taught me how to be vulnerable. And most importantly, I've found that love does exist in the most remote places. I don't want to think about the day when I leave Bregovo. And neither do my students and friends in town. This might sound odd and strange from a boy from California, but I hope that this winter goes by really slow....so that I can soak in all the future memories that I will have with the people of Bregovo.

Dear Tori,

I am finally in America! There was a point in the last few weeks where I thought I would never make it back, but I'm here now and that's all that matters. I've been back for 5 days and I'm still jet lagged and in a bit of a culture shock. When I got to the San Francisco airport, I saw asians....a whole bunch of them. Then my dad picks me up and the next thing I see is a black guy driving a car. I get home and everything is new, and the first thing I did was touch the new refrigerator for 5 minutes. I go to my old room and see that it has been turned into a lounge room. I didn't care because I threw my stuff on the floor and jumped on the queen size mattress....yes, mattress. I've been sleeping on a foam mattress for the past 2 years and lying down on a thick, padded, big mattress was HEAVEN. I was so oily and greasy from traveling for 14 hours, but I skipped the shower and went to the refrigerator where I ate everything there was. Real ketchup, frosted flakes, granola bars, etc. And then I went to sleep for 5 hours and woke up just in time to see my mom come home. I've basically been eating....mexican, japanese, korean, thai, indian, wendys, in n out, everything. A vacation for me is going to Target or Walmart or Safeway and walk through every aisle and just stare and touch.

The thing I find that I have no patience for is trying to answer questions that my family has about my experience in Bulgaria. I know that PCBG is considered to be more "posh" than other PC countries, but this has not been my experience, and I'm glad it hasn't been. And some family members are very head strong and stubborn and it's hard to explain to them that the situation in BG isn't as simple as they expect it to be. I have gotten a lot of "aren't you glad you're not there anymore" in regards to how I have explained the lives of the people in Bregovo, the roads, the infrastructure, etc. That isn't the case for me. I've learned how to live a simple life. I can't help but getting defensive when I get reactions like this. It's hard to explain to someone who is a family member that I have developed relationships in BG, so much so that I consider them as family also. I guess my family really doesn't understand the emotional and personal impact that this experience has had on me, and I don't expect them to, albeit it is frustrating....very frustrating.

In the midst of all this, X Factor is going on. It's a bit overwhelming. The day after the show aired, I had 500 something emails, lord knows how many wall posts, messages, and friend requests on FB, and questions from my family. But I am very thankful for all the kind words people have had....people who I don't even know. My mom called all her friends, and I feel like people here are now more interested in my experience in X Factor than my 2 years as a volunteer in Bulgaria. There is going to be a party at the house this Saturday, and I know I have to prepare myself and gather all the patience I have to say hi and greet people I haven't seen in more than 2 years. Smisel, get the wine.

My family has been spoiling me LIKE CRAZY. I appreciate it a lot and I am very grateful, but I feel guilty that I am getting this treatment when my attention, my time should be with my students in 2 days. I will bring back so many chocolates for them, just in time for Halloween.

PS: I went out last night. With Nika. All I have to say is bottomless mimosas....things never change in the Castro. I'm here for 2 more weeks. Update later.

OHHHH, can i please just talk about my plane ride here? OF COURSE I sit next to crazy babas on a 14 hour plane ride. And a screaming baby behind me, and a middle seat.....YEAH.

Dear Tori,

I can't even fathom the fact that yes, I finally get to see my family and friends in a week. After 2 years and 4 months in Bulgaria, I will get to step onto American soil. And like Cory Olson, I will probably weep publicly when I get to San Francisco. I have so many things to share, say, do, eat, etc. And then I got to thinking....much like I have family and friends back home, I have a family here in Bulgaria, and have made lifelong best friends with volunteers and Bulgarians alike. Leaving them is like leaving the real thing. I've lost contact with many of my friends and distant family relatives since I've been here, and normalcy has kicked in for me....being a volunteer here is normal. It is what I know. I don't even consider myself a volunteer any longer. Leaving this life is a lot harder than it was leaving my life 2 years ago. Anyways, it's only for 3 weeks and I will probably miss everything about my life here, even though so many things about it right now are annoying me. But then again, this is me talking pre-vacation. Shte vidim.

Tomorrow is the last round that I will be participating in for X Factor. The decision I made was not an easy one and I did not make it spontaneously. Things happen for a reason, and I really do think that all that has happened with X Factor for me will culminate into something much larger, something much more important. I already found out, during those grueling, tiring hours of filming, singing, and dancing that it is not what I wanted. Having cameras in front of your face 24/7 and having that pressure to be the perfect contestant was not for me. I realized this later in the bootcamp round. I slipped this summer. I feel selfish for doing this, and not being around for most of this summer with my students. I thought I would have fun participating, and it was for a little bit. I'm glad I found out something about myself. No matter how loud I am, how outgoing and extroverted I am, being on T.V. and being a "star" is not for me. I just want to sing. And during my participation in this, I forgot how to enjoy singing. Sure, "just wanting to sing" is something that exists in a perfect world. But the world isn't a utopia and there is a package that comes with everything. Rationalizing this situation is something I do most of the time, and part of it is thinking that hey, I helped my community by putting Bregovo on T.V. I made my kids and friends proud. But because of what has happened with producers, myself, contracts, vacation changes, etc, I can't help but think only the negatives that this experience has given me.

The next round honestly scares me. As I type right now, my heart is beating fast. They know I am leaving the show, and I don't know if I have enough courage to stick up for myself if I am asked to do such a scenario that harms my integrity and/or talent. I am scared of being questioned, judged, and pressured. I believe I made the right decision to stay with Peace Corps, students, friends, volunteers. I am scared that other contestants will see me negatively because I have made this decision. The dream was in my head, but this whole PC experience is still strongly in my heart. Wish me luck in the next 5 days. Cuz I haven't had any for the passed 2 months.

Dear Tori,

X Factor just finished filming in Bregovo. I have so much to say, and I will try to keep this blog as clean as possible (language-wise).

First of all, OH MY GOD. X Factor just told me 2 days ago that they were coming here to film how my life is like in Bulgaria. Um, talk about last minute. Yeah. Thank heavens for FACEBOOK. Since I am facebook friends with almost all of my students, I posted a public status saying that X Factor will be coming and if you want to be on TV, come to the school at 10. I immediately called my counterpart and she told the school who then got the cleaners to clean the school and to prepare the rooms that we were possibly going to film in. Anyways, I was more nervous about having to clean my apartment and having it be filmed on TV than me being on TV. So when I got home after the regional VAC meeting, I went to town in my apartment. Spotless. As you know, not all peace corps volunteers in Bulgaria have working toilets, tiled floors, and air conditioners. So I bleached my toilet and my sink and my floors to try to make it look as clean as possible. I know, I am crazy when it comes to cleaning.

This morning, I woke up with my heart beating fast. I was dreading the day already. I don't like to be filmed. And I was scared that none of the kids will show up. I get up and bake cupcakes for the X Factor producers and film crew. I know, I am a crazy manic OCD perfectionist. I don't even eat and take all the things I need for games with the kids. And then, I realized....I had an english class today....OOOKKKKAAAYYYYY. All of the last minute stress made me forget about my adult english classes. I get to the school and thank god kids were there. And my english students were there....and I told them about X Factor and blah blah blah. ANyways, X Factor comes. OH SHOOT. They start filming me in the center, walking around aimlessly....greeting people, sitting on a bench, talking to a baba, looking up at the communist statue that's in the center....etc. We get to the school and they film me walking the empty hallways....and we get to the kids. They film me teaching for 5 minutes, talking with the kids, playing jumprope with them, and then the interviews came.

There were moments when I was listening to my students, my colleagues, and my counterpart....that made me want to cry. Jesus. In my experience as a teacher here in Bulgaria, students rarely verbally acknowledge how much they appreciate you. And I heard it for the first time today....from them. After 2 years of searching for some sort of affirmation, I got it today. The simple "He is a good teacher and a good friend" made my service. They gave me hugs on camera and wished me good luck. After that, my colleague talked about how I "won" the first Bulgarian spelling bee....I told them that it was not a big deal!!! Because it WASN'T. And I jsut realized that that will be on TV. A 2nd grader could have won that spelling bee....and plus, it was all a joke. Anyways, tangent. So, my counterpart got on camera. Gurl, I was almost going to lose it. She retold when she first saw me, and how disappointed I was that I was alone in the corner of Bulgaria, and soo far away from the rest of the volunteers. And then she said "Go and have fun." I was almost going to lose it....because I know deep inside, in the back of her mind, I would have to make a decision to leave or not. We both understand each other in this way. We know what each other is thinking when it comes to things like this. We both don't want to know the answer, so we wait last minute to ask each other how we feel. I don't know if that makes sense at all, but I don't know any other way to explain it in my current frenzied state of mind right now. Anways, it was a day of affirmations. It was good.

These interviews that I listened to today....from my students, colleagues, and counterpart....is making it harder for me to make a decision. If I am not able to continue my service, where does that leave my students and everyone else here in Bregovo? How can I get up and leave after I heard all those things today? Do I go after a dream that I once had, or do I stay here to finish my commitment to serve? The X Factor crew loved the life that I was living here...they got to see what I wanted them to see....the students, the people, and the town....how wonderful they are, how hospitable they are, how beautiful the school is and how smart my students were. And now, all of Bulgaria will see this. In all honesty, I am doing this more for my community than for myself. I'm more excited about my students and colleagues being on TV than I am about myself. I am treating this like a project for Bregovo.

I will be continuing on in the next stage of the competition next week....which is also the Bregovo town celebration. The fact that I am missing next Friday night in Bregovo is eating at my heart. This celebration is so important to me, and it is the one thing that I wait for every year. I'll try my best to beg the producers to let me go first. I doubt it. Anyways, i'll update again next week about how the next rounds go, but until then, I am glad to have my life again without filming, stressing, and interviews. :)

Dear Tori,

I know I haven't written a blog in a long time and I have so much to write about. But I have to write about what happened today.

There was a time back when I was in high school, when I had dreams. There was a time when music and singing was all I could think about. But life happened and I thought that my time had passed for this "dream to come true." I feel so extremely gross after writing the aforementioned sentence. Anyways, today I had my big audition for X Factor Bulgaria. I had already gone through the first couple of rounds in Pleven where I first tried out. I thought of this as just another added experience to my Peace Corps service. It turned out that I got passed that and went to the round in Sofia. It was today. I couldn't even begin to tell you how fast my heart was beating. I swear it was a workout.

I got to Sofia last night, closed off, hence sleeping in the mansion's nook on the third floor. I did not get an ounce of sleep, but what else is new? I "woke up" and made my way to the metro stop where a very nice friend met me to show me where Zala Festivalna was. I'm so grateful because I have the worst sense of direction. We get there and after 3956675 interviews, I find myself backstage with my heart beating a million miles a minute. Before I move on, I just want to address the amazing and supportive currently serving, and recently COSed Peace Corps volunteers who made their way to the place to support me. It meant a lot to me to have people there and to have people vent to about how nervous I was. I was backstage waiting for my turn. All of a sudden, it was my turn....after some pretty amazing singers. As nervous as I was, I had a split second reflection on what I had wanted for myself when I was a teenager. It was actually happening. This is my opportunity. I walked on that stage and stood on the "X." I flashed a smile at the judges and they all smiled back, except for the Bulgarian Simon Cowell. They asked questions and I answered in my nervous and always broken Bulgarian. I threw my village in there because really, I would not have been there if it wasn't for them and their support. I mentioned I was singing a Bulgarian song and they impatiently asked me to sing it....acappella, because I could not find an instrumental version of it. I sang. I saw people stand up. Clap. Cheer. I got in the mood to perform. It was overwhelming. Too much. I couldn't think. After that, the judges commented. Good comments! I had no other answers but "mersi" or "Blagodaria" or "Mersi mnogo" or "dobre, mersi." A judge got up to shake my hand. Out of control. Way too much. I tried to hold back tears. I look up and see Kay and Tyler crying. I almost cried, but found enough UMPH in my body to fight them back. I thought about my "dream" and what it meant to me back then, and how it was starting to mean something again at that moment. How wonderful was it to have life happen here in Bulgaria? This was actually happening. I sang a second song. Again the same reactions. After that, I felt extremely selfish. All I wanted was all my students to be there with me. To have them feel this emotion. To all my students who have dreams....I wanted them there, to somehow Professor X all these wonderful emotions I had at that moment....to transfer it to them. But all I could do was to say that my songs were dedicated to them. I was humbled and proud at the same time. I say my thank yous to the judges and the crowd and come to a tearful room of peace corps friends. A whole bunch of filming and interviews began again, and after some beers and talks, I now find myself back in the mansion nook taking in all the emotions as they finally settle in.

Part of why I did this whole X Factor thing was to put my village on the map, to let people know how great it is and how hospitable they are over there. I also wanted to be a role model for anyone in the village who has something that they want to do, that they can do it, just like me....a person from Bregovo. I now find myself making one of the hardest decisions I ever have to make....to continue my third year extension as a volunteer or not. I love my kids, and I love my village and I love everyone there. How can I give it up for something so special for something that someone else wants more than me? One year can make a difference in any of my kids' lives. My mere presence gives them the drive to learn. How can I be so selfish to take this opportunity, no matter how good it is, to better my ego, my own future, when I can be helping someone else? Moving on in this competition is good. But there is a big BUT. 4 yeses, standing ovations, compliments, and the first autograph I have ever signed were all wonderful. At this point, I have my hand up in the air. I have no idea what to do. Emotionally draining to think about it even.

I called my counterpart and she had no doubt in me. She said how proud she was and that I made her proud as well as any other Bregovian. Such simple words, but with so much meaning and intent. I would be letting them down if I made this decision....

Dear Tori,

This past week has been a whirlwind. Sofia sometimes sucks out all your energy. At least that's what happened last week. I'm glad I met so many amazing people and hung out with soon-to-be RPCVs. After that, I sang with Cory and Charity at the Embassy. Culture shock. I felt like I was back in America. There was food everywhere. And no, we are not talking about banitsa and meze. We are talking steak, donuts, starbucks, McDonald cheeseburgers, salmon, everything a Peace Corps volunteer has been craving....especially after 2 years. We went to town on the food. And we also had a lot of fun mingling with people. For once, I did not have to speak a word of Bulgarian to Bulgarians. I blazed my way through the country and made it in time for my concert, which is always stressful. But at the end of he day, the kids make me so happy and they did a fabulous job and they practiced while I was away. After the concert was the teacher's end of the year dinner. A fun time was had, and I got my horo on.

Right now, I am feeling weird. Someone today told me that it is like graduating college....not exactly what you will be doing....but the thing is, I know that I'll be here for another year. It's with everyone leaving. And school is over and I am not going to be busy at all, except spelling bee camp, private tutoring, etc.

I hopefully will be going to Serbia/Romania with my school. I usually dislike this because #1. My counterpart never goes. #2. Babas love touching me. #3. Sometimes, and I'm going to tell the truth...my students talk to me the whole ride and I just want to SLEEP. #4. TECHENIE fever = I am going to sweat. But you know what, I'll bring my little laptop that MIT is lending me for their art project and I'll watch movies on it. I have probably had conversations with every single person in the village. A whole day of hermiting won't hurt.

Diana left today and she gave me a call. I have cried all the tears that a person can cry. But I felt good today when I talked to her before she boarded the plane. She has become one of my best friends. I know that we will keep in touch. I feel alone, but I know that she is here for me, 300000 miles away.

With my friends at the banquet.

Letting life happen....

Dear Tori,"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss." This quotation was and will be my personal motto whenever I'm down in the dumps and just want to sulk in the corner. And it works :) I'm glad I got out there and glad that things happened the way they did, even though it was more than just a skip, hop, and a jump away for me. I went to nagosti over my counterpart's house last night. I love that woman and her family. We talked about more serious things, my problems that I have been going through, and my experience here in Peace Corps. She thinks that all the bad things that have happened here aka LIFE, is her fault and that she should have been there when this and this happened and whatnot. Very motherly of her, as she has been throughout the two years that I have been here. A simple and enlightening nagosti ended a week that started horribly.I already know that this coming week will be emotional....Diana is leaving. It hurts my heart just typing that. But the time has come....after god knows how many train rides we've taken together in the past 2 years....embarrassing incident after embarrassing incident in Bregovo/Lom, you gurl have left a mark in the lonesome but not so lonesome, barren of volunteers, the place that we have called home....the Northwest. Mariana will forever remember you....she brags that she has had an Asian woman sleep in her bed. And this is a big deal. This journey is over....for now. One last sweaty horo, and not that slow boring one from the Rhodopes....the Northwest one, where you drink 4 glasses of rakia before you dance it. :)

Dear Tori,

I can feel it. This month is winding down. What I mean is, this month's BLF's are over. I can feel it. There are choices that you have to make in order to keep yourself sane, especially if you are the furthest away from everyone else and have the last class of the year (10th grade, Friday, 7th period, June 30th). And when things at site are depressing (at the moment), and things at home are the same way, you need all the things that can keep you in contact with the people that you love (family and volunteers). Well, that is the internet my friends. And a phone. And well....I have neither at the moment. I think Cory Olson put it best. No internet + no phone = village life. This is not the first time that this has happened to me. But with all the emotions I'm going through right now, and all the depressing things that have happened....it's a lot harder to go without one or the other. Out of everyone who has internet in the village (and it's quite a lot more than I thought), I was the only one, the only cable, the only router, the only apartment to have had all these aformentioned things break, kaput, dead, during that horrible summer storm that woke me up in the middle of the night, which by the way, also broke my window, my new window. I have always seen myself as a resilient person, able to bring myself out of the darkest hole, the abyss of life. For the past 4 days, I have been in an abyss. And today, I couldn't stand it anymore. I went to Vidin and allowed myself to get ripped off once again by the internet company for I was too tired to argue with them. For me, internet is a lifesource in the village. It's ironic how villagers, who often have less money than city folks, have to pay a significant amount more money for what has become necessities in life in today's age. I am never one to miss out on big get-togethers, but for once, I chose to hermit and be sane, rather than celebrate at the beach with my lovely fellow volunteers. For this I am deeply sorry. The phrase "there has got to be a better way" is a fallacy for me right now. Life is a catch 22. I have lost my resilient self. Perhaps I can get that back during my third year? Shte vidime.

Dear Tori,

I know it was only last night that I wrote a blog. I mentioned in my last post how emotionally attached I have become to my students. Today, a special student of mine in the 4th grade passed away. It was the most painful thing I have felt in a long time. So sudden. I cannot describe the feelings that I had when I heard the news from one of my counterparts. I immediately fled the school and went to my apartment. Being emotional in front of my colleagues is something that I still am not used to. I had 30 minutes to let everything out since I still had classes to teach. After that initial shock, I had to get through a teacher's meeting and 4 more classes. I couldn't wait to get out of school.

She was a quiet and shy student who always tried her best. She was always the first one up when we sang or danced in class. She loved to get her picture taken....so many in fact that I can make a whole album out of it. So many questions are going through my head. So many "coulds." I could have taught her more, or I could have not yelled at her the time she was talking in class, or I could have given her a sticker that one time even though she didn't bring her homework, or I could have given her back her Halloween mask that she left with me after the disco. It hurts my heart thinking about the 2 years that we had together. But I know that no amount of questions and tears can fix this problem. The bond between a teacher and their pupil is something that I now will cherish more. Every single interaction, no matter how small or how big, brings you even closer to that student.

Today was the first day I felt the impact that these kids have had on me. I thought I wouldn't realize this until I was back in the states, missing my students. It will take me a while to get over this tragedy that I hope no other volunteer goes through. I put on a brave face for most of the day today, almost losing it at certain moments when I saw other children running around in the hallways, knowing that I will never hear her greet me or offer me some of her food. We will never switch and wear each others' glasses and make weird faces to each other. She was supposed to be in my choir this year you know. I saw a talent in her, that she herself didn't see. I would have loved to bring that out of her....instead she brought out of me realizations, and in a way, a renewed sense of drive. Live every class to the fullest. Take chances in the little time that I have left here. So to you Albena....тиха, хубава, прятна. I wish I could have said goodbye. So when I'm singing on that stage in Vratsa on Friday, I hope that you are listening to me (I know you will because you always did) because I am singing a song for you, and only for you. Ще ми липваш много....Bananas UNITE! - Love Mister.

Dear Tori,

Another weird week. Being here for more than 2 years, writing about my Peace Corps experience has been getting more "real" lately. I am finding myself not writing about how my nagosti went or what I did for Georgiov Den. Smisel, I feel like I live here and real life things are starting to happen. I guess I don't feel like I am a volunteer anymore. I feel like I am an employed teacher in my school, an active community member of Bregovo, a Bulgarian (somewhat). That's how I'm treated around here. I remember trying to assimilate into Bulgarian society and not expecting certain things to happen here. But low and behold, some things can't be ignored. Bulgaria seems to be forcing me to change some habits that I had when I was back home in California....ok yes. But sometimes I am not ready to change some of them. And no, we are not talking about the superficial habits of taking a shower everyday or going to the movies from time to time. No. This time is different. Sometimes, you can't let life "happen." Enough about this.

School is winding down. We are reviewing by doing presentations, watching movies in English, and talking about summer plans. I will be giving piano and guitar lessons this summer to some of my kids. I'll be going to their houses and teaching. I'm excited to do something different.

Concert practice is going well. They are learning faster and faster every year, every practice.

Before Bulgaria, I didn't know how to express vulnerable emotions, to open my heart. Bulgaria has really opened my heart. To everything. Especially to children. You don't realize as a teacher, you become very protective of your students. And sometimes, they do look up to you like a parents. So when something happens to any of my students, I get really concerned, worried. So to Albena and Emi, I love you guys. I wish I could give you guys a giant big hug and sing and dance the banana song. I'm sure that we'll see each other this summer at the sabor and we'll take lots of pictures, and I promise I'll put them up on facebook for everyone to see your beautiful gorgeous faces! And I promise I won't yell at you ever again in class:) -Gospodine :)

Dear Tori,

The new B-27 volunteers came by to visit my site. I hope that this experience had much of an impact on them as it had on me. I saw their optimism and positivity, something that I have lost in the end of my second year as a volunteer. I've been going through a rush of emotions this week, and the week has only just begun. Friends leaving soon have a lot to do about it. It's knowing that exact date when they are leaving, and knowing that for most of them, I will be working and cannot take the day off hurts. I know that I will be able to see them in a year's time, but it's different when you no longer have that support that you had when they were here. Some of these volunteers are volunteers that you have a special bond with, volunteers who know what you go through because of that bond. I have always considered myself a strong person, but when it comes to goodbyes, I've always had a hard time. It feels like I am breaking up with a significant other. Anyways, I hate it when I am showing vulnerability, and what the hell am I thinking posting this in my blog?

Dear Tori,

WOW, my hip hop dance groups have DOUBLED this time. I am very happy that after 2 years, interest is FINALLY growing and kids are comfortable dancing on stage. But...and this is a big BUT. Not only is it more work for me, dealing with kids with different levels of ability, but it is also trying to get them to work together. Together meaning Roma and Bulgarian. After the first rehearsal, I found myself getting really angry at the children. I just don't get why they don't like the Roma kids. The Bulgarian children yell and scream at me and threaten me that they won't be dancing on the same stage with a Roma. That hurt me. And I'm sure that every time the Bulgarians say that, it hurts the Roma kids. I can't help but side with the Roma kids and scold the Bulgarians kids who say these things. Today we had a big rehearsal. The kids were crazy. They tried to kick out a Roma kid, but I yelled at them and told them that he is dancing with them. After about 15 minutes of the kids complaining and being SPOILED BRATS, the one Roma boy in their group said that he won't be dancing anymore because the kids don't want him. UGH. BROKE MY HEART. I gave him a big hug and told him that he can dance with them because I make the rules here. But he was discouraged. I told him that we'll dance and sing together on stage. He said ok.

I am so tired of these kids saying such hurtful things to the Roma children. It hurts me to see that parents let this happen, that teachers let this happen. I am committing myself to not let this bullying, this bullshit behaviour from children. When i got home after rehearsals, I was so angry that I started to cry. I was angry at the children. I was angry that I was angry at a bunch of 3rd and 4th graders. And I was angry at myself for not doing enough to protect the Roma kids from getting bullied and pushed around like that. I don't like yelling. And I don't like scolding kids for their behaviour. And I know that this behaviour is learned and I should not completely blame these children. UGH. I know how the Roma kids feel like, to be different from everyone else. And it's not a comfortable feeling. I guess that I will have to sit down with these kids before rehearsal on Thursday and explain to them why I got so angry and why I was defending the Roma children. I just have to remember that they are kids, not adults.....UJAS.

Dear Tori,

JEEZUS, I've been writing in my blog almost everyday. I just wanted to document that for the first time ever in the history of me participating in the town concerts, that I am ready sooo ahead of schedule. I had a burst of creativity after a long day at school. I have a dance choreographed and a couple of songs that my best singers and I will sing for the Day of the Child concert on June 1st.

People have been posting pictures from recent happenings and dear lord have mercy I have gained weight over winter. And it's now spring and almost summer. Yeah, definitely need to lose weight. I thought I would be losing weight while at the peace corps, but um yeah, NO. Operation Jenny Craigieva starts now.

The aforementioned burst of creativity and energy came when I realized that in less than 2 weeks, trainees will be visiting Bregovo to see how I work, teach classes, choir, dance groups, etc. They are coming at a perfect time because it is a week before the concert. I want them to see that you are not only bound within your primary assignment and you can branch out and use whatever skills you have to make connections with kids and people that you can't create in the classroom. I hope my bunch of trainees like to sing and dance because I have definitely going to have them sing and dance. Which reminds me, I need to clean my apartment. I've gotten used to my style of "clean" here in Bulgaria, especially when I don't have a vacuum or a washing machine. So I definitely have to SCRUB.

I am also VERRRRRY excited that the chitalishte got a new sound system. I played with it a little today, and OH MY. There are condenser mics for my choir and all sorts of sound effects. I cannot wait.

Wednesday is the school Holiday, Friday I have to be in Sofia for the spelling bee, next tuesday and thurday are test days therefore neuchebni dni, and 23rd-25th are holidays. I love May.

I've decided that I am going to go home for 3 weeks after the Bregovo town holiday, which falls on August 20-22 this year. So I'll be home in America between August 24-September 9th. I still need to get this approved though. I think that this time at home will definitely re-energize me for my last year in Bulgaria and will help me with this long dragged out process known as my PCPP. HEY GIRL HEY.

Dear Tori,

I'm still riding the wave of emotions that was COS. Human by The Killers will forever be ingrained in my mind as the B-25 COS song. All I can think about whenever I hear that song is Kay's beautiful video and her babas say goodbye. Jesus, I need to stop. COS was the first time most of us cried about the reality of leaving and saying goodbye and all that. Although I'm not leaving, it's going to be hard having that support from my b-25s gone. Who will I take the train with back to the northwest when Diana is gone? We always took the train together, and soon we'll be taking our last train ride to Sofia together.

Anyways, I went to Mezdra for Gergiov Den. Horo-ed a little, hung out with the newbies a little, and slept...a little. I'm back in Bregovo after a week of sessions, dancing, drinking, and tears. I'm ready for Monday to teach my kids and soak and cherish every moment I have with them, even though I have one more school year with them. COS taught me that.

Dear Tori,

I am sitting here in Hotel Kalina writing this blog. COS has just ended and it's probably the last time that all of us b-25s will be all together in one place. It was quite emotional this morning. Yes, I am staying for another school year, but the support that I have gotten with the b-25s will be gone. It will be different without them around. I usually don't cry, but I have let my guard down in front of these people, my friends.

The talent show was a great success!!! Staff was ridiculously amazing and very very funny. Dr. Georgi's rapping will be stuck in my head for a while. I am surrounded by talented people. I am even getting emotional writing this blog. Nat was amazing as usual, and Matt's poetry....um speechless. I tried not to be offensive with the In Memoriam, and I was pleasantly surprised at the laughter at some of them. Kay's video made everyone cry, and I want a copy gurl!!! Anna and Cory did their thang as the hosts. Nova Televizia was there, and I even got a chance to talk to them. They were quite impressed and I hope some of my COSing b-25s get to work with them. All in all, COS for my has been emotional, fun, and relaxing. UGH, I hate crying, but I couldn't stop it. Ok. All the tears have been shed, and I don't know how I'll survive it when I COS in June of next year. Lord help me.

Right now, I have no chance of making it back to Bregovo. Nyama shans. I am weighing out my options, hanging out with b25s that I haven't hung out with. Ciao za sega!

Dear Tori,

First, I will probably not be eating very much this week. Easter na gostis are serious. So much food. And I gluttonously ate. Bulgarian women always impress me. They do all the work. At one of my nagostis, I was chased by roosters and was stuck in a chicken coop, unable to move because I WAS SCARED. OOO GURL, the Bulgarians were laughing soooo much. Roosters are scary as F*$#. I was covering my man parts because I was scared the roosters would peck down there. NOT KIDDING, babas were on the floor laughing. I've never been so scared. Except that one time when a cat jumped on me or that other time when I was snorkeling in Hawaii and a school of fish came rushing and screamed for help cuz....I hate live fish.

Anyways, I dyed eggs and made dinner with Bulgarians. I also went to midnight 'mass' which was basically buying candles, seeing all my ex 12th graders and other people from town that I haven't seen, and then walking around the church trying to keep your candle lit. Very interesting. I almost forgot that there was a priest talking the whole time. LOLZ.

I'm glad that we have Monday off because I need to rest. I don't think I can make it to the picnic that some of my friends invited me to today. I have to do laundry before COS so I can have semi clean clothes to wear...if they even fit me after the COOKIE MONSTER GORGE I had the past couple of days. Tomorrow starts another busy day....classes, after school classes, spelling be practice. This song just came on my ipod. Posting the video from 3 years ago.

Dear Tori,

My 6th grade student got second place at the regional spelling bee in Vratsa this past weekend. I was so proud of all my students at regionals. Every time they got up there, my heart was beating so fast. I felt like their parent. I think I was more nervous than they were. I can't wait till the national competition in Sofia!

The closer we get to COS, the more emotionally attached I get not only to my kids and my community, but also to the other volunteers. What if I do get the chance to extend for another school year? What would I do without the other b-25s, my main source of support? Who can I visit when I am having an off week? Who can I CALL??? I realized today that I depend on my fellow b-25s so much. Although we've known each other for only 2 years, this experience has made us closer than if we had known each other for 2 years in America. I am someone who keeps vulnerable emotions inside. Being here in Bulgaria for 2 years has taught me how to control my aggressive emotions and to let out my vulnerable ones. I've learned how to control myself and my anger if I am being called "CHINESE!" or "JAPANESE!" while walking around. And in many ways, my kids have made my heart grow. Never have I felt my heart expand all throughout my body out of radost from the children. I would compare it to a parent's joy over their children, although I cannot say for certain since I am not a parent....but I hope this is that feeling. I've become a softy. It's ironic that living in Bulgaria, a place where people are hard of face in the beginning, has made me a big softy inside. Oh god, did I really just day that?

Dear Tori,

I'm back from Romania. I have to be honest and say that it seemed more like work rather than a vacation. But I had fun anyways. Lots of inside jokes were made on this trip thanks to the more than 24 hours of train rides. Jared was a trooper for dealing with such big personalities on the trip....and other things :) The trains today were ridiculous, and I will forever dislike the Mezdra-Gorna line. It's always full and you have to pay for a ticket and a seat. Why pay for a numbered seat when no one sits on their assigned seat anyways? We moved so many times, and the babas on the train....no, don't even get me started. I finally sat on my (not) seat in front of 3 rambunctious little girls. They were funny, but fought the whole way. They had a 20 minute argument with each other about whether or not I was Japanese, Chinese, or Korean. I don't blame them for thinking that I don't speak or understand any Bulgarian. And keep in mind, this is little girl Bulgarian, so it's right on my level and I understood the whole thing. I just looked at them and smiled and made funny faces from time to time. I let them carry on their argument. Finally, when we were leaving, I said to 2 of them, "Ciao momicheta." GASPS. The other girl was in the hallway and I said "Izvinete mila." GASP. So funny.

I am excited to go back to work after 10 days of vacation. I miss my kids, especially my third graders. Not so excited about 4b, but who knows, maybe they'll be really good tomorrow. I have a lot to talk about with my counterpart, transportation to Vratsa (KOSHMAR!!!) for the spelling bee on Saturday, etc. I'll be extra stern with my winning kids this week. I want them to be extra prepared for the regional spelling bee and represent Bregovo! Hoooootihoooo!!!

Dear Tori,

Well, I'm here in Brasov, Romania. With Cory, Emmy, Diana, and Jared. It's pretty and also very similar to Bulgaria. So far, I am having fun, except for that one thing that Cory did that made me really angry, and now I'm thinking of a way to get back at him. Jared sleeps A LOT but also wants to see every single damn tourist attraction aka, every synagogue in Romania. Cory and Emmy are semi gimps. Diana is a party girl. I also love them all. Also, can we talk about the trains here in Romania??? Soooo nice. Also, I kinda went crazy at H&M. It's been 2 years. Emmy and I exploded. Literally. 2 more days in Sigosoara. Then back home.

The b'27s arrived last week. It's a weird feeling being here for 2 years and seeing the new volunteers go through what you did not so long ago. This group seems like they will get really close since it's only 40....although the 60 or so b25s are all really really close to each other. COS is coming up and I will be emotional. I'm sooo not the emotional type, but I've gotten so close to these people that I will miss them....kinda.

Cory, if you are reading this, watch your back. You wanna see an LB in action??? Be careful what you ask for. RAGE. :)

Dear Tori,

I was there, sitting on a bench in the center of Montana when it happened. Never had I experienced such emotions as I did at that moment. I had just gotten off the phone with another volunteer, reflecting on our service up to date. Although we are both planned to COS in July, we both want to extend for a third school year. Besides the more obvious reasons as to why one would want to extend, we both had no concrete justifications as to why we would both want to when it came to defending our "special characteristic." I got off the phone and started listening to my i-pod as I waited for my bus to Vidin. All of a sudden, I started to feel a rush emotions out of nowhere. I started thinking about Bulgaria, my colleagues, my neighbors, my friends, my counterpart, and most importantly my students. I realized that my "special characteristic," all my issues about having to deal with this if I do get to extend for another year, went out the door. All of a sudden, I didn't care. I know it sounds MNOGO corny, but it's the children's presence, their expressions. My counterpart, my colleagues, my EVERYTHING here. These are the things that have kept me here while having this "special characteristic." Usually, it's factors regarding the culture and the country that people are excited to leave, especially for people like me. I'm just starting to get to know the people of my site, and along the way, myself. And why stop now when I have chance to continue?

Well....I had this emotional epiphany when all of a sudden I turn around and a Roma woman is asking me for money, and I started crying. Not only crying, SOBBING. She was so confused and I was so confused and so was everyone else who was in the center (the whole city). I took out a lev and handed it to her, tears still falling down from my eyes, mouth cracked open, eyes squinty. NOT CUTE. I got up, still wimpering like a little baby, stares left and right. After that cry, I felt good. I think I needed to get that out.

Dear Tori,

I know I haven't written a blog in a long time. What a better way to end the school week (on a Saturday because I had to teach 7 classes yesterday) than being in a room of drinking babas. I have to tell you, village gossip is serious. I have turned into a baba. I eat like one and act like one. I am caught up on all the soap operas and all the gossip. I can tell you what Zaharina did last week or what happened to Plamen's sister's husband's grandma's sister....but I won't. Nothing makes me happier. I also kinda promised them that I would stay in Bulgaria forever. They also promised that if I don't stay another year, they would beat me....yet another reason for me to stay. :)

Dear Tori,

I can finally hang my clothes outside. The weather is warm enough to where my jeans won't freeze. I learned from last year that doing laundry during the winter is not worth the frostbitten hands and the 2 week wait for them to dry. Hence, I've only done laundry twice since December. Thank god for body spray. Since my boiler is fixed, I've been taking showers more often than I did this time a year ago. I just hope that this weather keeps up all through February....

I have given myself until the end of the month to finish writing my project. Lesson planning, teaching, extra classes, and clubs wear me out at the end of the week. For the first time in this school year, I have a first period off on Tuesdays. I can sleep in....sort of.

I just finished reading "To Chicago and Back" and I'm currently reading "Bay Ganyo" by Aleko Konstantinov. Both are fascinating books, and I definitely see Konstantinov's message....that every Bulgarian has a "Bay Ganyo" in them. It was also very interesting that his observations and comments on how America was in the 1880's still rings true to this day.

When will I ever learn that the phrase "I'm full" does not exist in Bulgaria? It just means that you've eaten everything on your plate and you need more of that fat and grease. "Yes Baba, I've gotten fat." I also want to say "It's because of your cooking" but I'm #1. Afraid to hurt Baba's feelings and #2. I might unleash the angry baba if I say that, and if it looks anything like the beast that I saw when she was yelling at her grandchildren, then no thank you.

Anyways, my body hurts from the marathon of classes I had today. Ciao za sega.

Dear Tori,

My colleagues are amazing. I am so thankful for the little surprise yesterday and for the party they will be throwing me on the 28th. They did this same thing last year and I can't believe they are doing it again this year. It's all too much, and I do not know how to thank them.

My counterpart amazes me. She is so honest and a genuinely good person. Today, we finished the first draft of our project. She had always said that she doesn't know how to write projects, but low and behold, she surprised me with her ideas (and her English). Her English is very good, but I heard her use tenses and words and phrases that I never heard her use before. I love our gossip hour because I really do trust her opinions about people and situations. And plus, it's exciting to hear about old and present scandals.

Tomorrow is my birthday party in my apartment. I love throwing parties, but I hate preparing for it and deciding what to cook. I want my guests to try something other than the things that I have already cooked for them. I have new friends here in Bregovo that will be coming, and they mentioned that they LOOOVE Chinese food. Maybe I'll cook that....IDK.

Anyways, today is another flu vacation day. Mnogo ce radvam!

Dear Tori,

Istanbul was a fun adventure, and is by far one of the best and beautiful cities I have been to.

We take so many things for granted, even as volunteers. From now on, I will cherish every moment I have with my family in Bregovo. They don't know it, but I really have so much love for everyone that I am close with in Bregovo....so that means everyone, lol. I feel like my work here as a volunteer has only just begun.

Dear Tori,

I have the best counterpart and colleagues ever.

Dear Tori,

The concert was a big success!!! I am gonna cry right now because I am soooo proud of my kids! They were so cute and nervous, but they did it!!! We got a standing ovation!!! I love them so much!!! I was happy that their parents were so proud of them, which is a rare thing I see in my village. Im gonna go to bed crying over joy because my students made me so proud and happy!

Dear Tori,

I think my kids are ready for the concert tomorrow.

Today in the 4th grade after the lesson, we wrote letters to Santa Claus and/or to their parents about what they want for Christmas. Most of them wrote it in Bulgarian. I was reading them and it made me cry and made me want to give each of them a big giant hug. Most of them ask for their parents to get back together. And a lot of them also asked to see their mom or dad for Christmas, since most of their parents work in Italy or in other foreign countries. I was tearing up when I was reading them. UGH, what can I do? At least these kids know the real meaning of Christmas. They want a family, not material things. Writing this is making me cry, so I'm going to stop.

Wish me luck at the concert tomorrow. It's the first time I'll be singing by myself on stage, bez kids.

Dear Tori,

This past week has been tough...mentally. Why does it feel like everything bad happens to me? I don't know. I'm getting over it.

This coming week is the last week of school before the winter break...and it's also the concert on Wednesday. My choir will be singing, and then I'll be singing while they dance. Nothing excited, just something different from what we usually do for the concerts. We'll give the audience a show.

My director called me in the other day and said that they got a new brochure for a new volunteer. She said that she wants me again...meaning for me to stay another year. I have been thinking about it, and I love this job, no matter how tiring or frustrating it can be. This has become my new home, and I guess I'm not ready to leave yet. And I think I can do many more things if I am here for a 3rd year. When my director told me that she wanted me to stay, I have to be honest, I got teary-eyed. And for my other colleagues to ask me to stay....it was just too much. The kindness and support that I have gotten from all of them....throwing me a birthday party, etc....and the kids, I love them even though they can be little monsters. I think this is what I want. But I don't think it's solely my decision. We'll see.

I've been on a diet for like a month. But I think all the Christmas na gostis will cancel out all the miles that I've ran and all the pushups, situps, etc. that i've done. But I will be in good company here in Bregovo, and that's all I want for Christmas....oh yeah, and new lichna karta :)

Dear Tori,

These past weeks have been very tiring, but very rewarding. It is true that hard work pays off. AIDS day is done, and I only have to worry about the Christmas concert and my adult english classes and how I can schedule them better.

I have made very good friends with 2 young adults in Bregovo. They were in the brigadia together, and I teach one of them in English.

On a different note, I wish there was a gym I could go to because I ate way too much at on Thanksgiving.

Dear Tori,

My work weeks have just gotten even busier. Along with my full days of teaching, I am teaching an advanced after school English class on Mondays and Wednesdays, and a beginning adult English class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And on Saturdays, I have a conversational English class at the math high school in Vidin. Next week is the start of my choir practice for the Christmas concert, because I decided that we are going to work really hard and learn 3 English songs with harmonies. I'm also having an AIDS/HIV camp on the 1st of December.

Something happened today that surprised me. As I was walking my students from 4b to get their breakfast in the cafeteria, the naughtiest student in that class grabbed my hand and held it. I was so surprised because I scream at him at least 100 times a day. And he said "You're not leaving, right?" (in Bulgarian). And I turned to him and said "Yes! I'm leaving!!!" (in Bulgarian). I always have to be stern with this kid, not matter what. But even after I screamed at him, he still kept holding my hand. It was a really special moment for me. Even though I was cold and angry on the outside, it really did touch my heart. It made my week.

Also, 3 straight days of na gostis. I cannot breathe.

Dear Tori,

For 2 days I got a taste of what my life used to be like back in America in Sofia, and it felt good. I'm still running on the residual high, and I hope it is enough to get me through 4 hours of 4a this week.

I think the meeting went well, and there will definitely be more in the future. Yay for expanding the circle of support!

Dear Tori,

Halloween was really fun. It was a good way to relax and see the other volunteers. And after this busy and stressful month, I think most of us were ready to have fun, responsibly of course.

I have missed a lot of the volunteers, and it was sooo good seeing them. I am so close to many of them, and I can't imagine not being in contact with them as often after we COS.

Today is the day of my concert and the first time I'm playing guitar in front of the people in Bregovo since I inherited it from Illyria. I am more nervous now, because there are people from Serbia and Romania that will be coming. I am also a little nervous for my dancers because we just started learning the dance 2 weeks ago. Also, there is going to be a banquet of some sort for the Serbians and Romanians. After that, there is another banquet for 2 teachers who retired last year. It might be the same banquet, but IDK. I didn't know that the concert was going to be on the 1st until last Tuesday. So I never know anything....like this morning, when the magazine owner told me that she knew of the surprise concert that I was doing on November 21st....um ok.

ALSO, on Monday, when I had the Halloween party at school, I dressed up as a clown. I got up at 5am just to put on the makeup. I have dark skin, so it took about 5 coats to make it that white. I scared my neighbors and teachers. I felt bad, but I thought it was kind of funny. Here I am with some students from the 8th grade.

Dear Tori,

I am again alone in the Northwest corner. It sucks, but I'm used to it....traveling 3 hours to see the closest volunteer. It's hard to hear volunteers being 1 or 2 hours away...sometimes even 45 minutes, especially during the winter when I am stranded in Bregovo. But it is better for her that she is going to a hopefully better and more supportive permanent site.

Today, we started our Halloween festivities and preparations with carving pumpkins and making masks. It was fun, although I did all the carving because I was afraid malkite detsa would cut themselves. Then I played songs on my guitar and we sang. Then they walked me home and helped me put the pumpkins in my apartment. So tired, but so much to do. Here's my favorite picture of the day:

Dear Tori,

Preparations for the Halloween party and the concert have begun. I am SUUUPER excited about my choir this year because they can sing a little better now. They are in tune more and everyone gets along. We are going to sing Hey Jude and Umbrella, while I play the guitar. I don't trust myself on a piano nowadays because I haven't played in like 10 months. Dance practice for the concert begins on Monday.

As for Halloween, there have been some disagreements and arguments between myself and another person about how it should be celebrated this year. I was upset about the decision made, but I guess I just have to go with the flow. At least I got her to agree that all the kids can dress up in costume...not just one person in class. This year, I am working with the school nurse on writing a project about getting kids to eat more fruits and vegetables. Before the Halloween celebrations, we will do our presentation to the kids. I have written a little play about why kids should eat more fruits and vegetables. I'm playing the part of the fat unhealthy clown who goes to the nurse because he ate too much chocolate and pizza. And while he's in the doctor's office, he magically encounters (in his dream) Mr. Apple, Ms. Carrot, Mr. Pumpkin, and Ms. Tomato. These parts will be played by kids in my 3rd grade. They will each say one or 2 lines about why they are so healthy to people and the advantages in eating them. After this, from 2:30-4:30, halloween. Im gonna be a scary clown.

So....I have so much to do. And my boiler decided not to work when it got cold. 3 days bez shower....and counting.

Dear Tori,

My body (and mind) are starting to get used to my crazy full schedule. I'm actually enjoying Natasha's classes more than mine.

Today, we had another 2 hour meeting after school. I learned today that I will be the дежурен (hall monitor) every Thursday during the breaks in between classes on the second floor hallway....where the 3rd and 4th graders are this year. UJAS! They fight all the time!!! I also found out that my day of consultation for students who need help in English is on Thursday from 2:30-3:30. I doubt anyone will come. All this makes Thursday my most hated day out of the week.

On the bright side, I got a whole bunch of vegetables and fruits from Sashka.

Dear Tori,

School has started, and I have more hours than I had last year. Although I like to keep myself busy, 7 straight classes is exhausting. I am covering for the Natasha Naidenova's Russian and English classes because she is very ill. I am also the temporary 12th grade klasna until Natasha gets better. I'm excited because my 12th grade class this year is very small, and I think I can handle being in charge of 9 students. I also get to team teach with Mariana in the 2nd grade. I find teaching the little children is so much easier cuz you have their attention the whole time if you have a fun lesson. Anyways, I'm starting early this year with the Halloween discos and preparations for the concert. This year, my contribution to the concert is: a translated play of Green Eggs and Ham, a hip hop dance routine, my choir singing 'Somewhere Out There' while I play the piano, and me singing a Bulgarian song that the director or Ivan will choose. All I know is, the concert better be on November 1st and not October 31st. I cannot leave the Halloween party again at 4am. Never again.

My apartment is making me furious. Not only does my refrigerator not work, but I have a rat. A giant rat, who ate through the tubes of my sink and bathroom. I bought new ones and had the rabotniks replace them. The next day, I was washing my dishes and my kitchen started flooding. I realized that the rat ate through the kitchen tube. I was sooo angry. I have rat poison everywhere in my house. And yesterday, I bought a rat trap and the sticky pads. And what did the rat do? It didn't die, it just ate through more of the tubing. I hope that it dies soon. Mariana told me that the poison works slowly. But I haven't had to put more poison because the rat is not eating it. So now, I'm washing dishes in the bathroom because there is no way I'm replacing the tubes until the rat is dead.

It's Sunday and I'm probably going to sleep the whole day. Ciao za sega.

Dear Tori,

School is about to begin in a couple of days, and I cannot be more excited and scared at the same time. There have been a lot of changes in my school regarding who teaches what. It upsets me that the politics in the school affect the children. Although I have no say in any of it, I have voiced my opinions to my counterpart and my other colleagues. I do understand that in the end, teachers need to compete and fight to keep their jobs because of the dwindling amount of kids that attend the school every year, and the last thing my director wants is to have a colleague lose a job. Because of this, not every teacher is "qualified" to teach whatever it is that they are teaching. I always get told by some of my colleagues that they are all too worried about regular life to even deal with teaching, which results in them sitting in class the whole time either handing out tests, yelling, or just chatting with the children. I promised myself this year that #1. try to better communicate with all my counterparts about what our expectations are in each class #2. if they are too tired to teach, i'll completely take over. All that aside, I'm glad that I have the whole high school to myself. I feel bad about my 11th graders this year because they only have Russian, when they clearly want to have English. Again, school politics, favors, etc. Also, the best English teacher in the school has no English classes??? I feel her anger and frustration over this, but she always says that at least she still has a job. I will bring it and make it work even better this year, and hopefully, i'll be more successful. And in the words of Ms. Valerie Goode, "Ima briiing it, ima bring it." (while raising the roof).

Dear Tori,

Living far from everyone is starting to piss me off again. Not only does it cost me a lot of money to travel, and when I mean a lot, I mean, more than 15 leva to visit the closest person....but the train line in Vidin is under construction, and have to take 2 effing buses to get to the other train station. I was fine with this....until they changed the schedules to where only 4 trains left from Vidin and 4 trains came into Vidin....at the most inconvenient times ever. In other words, I basically have to leave a day early to get anywhere because I will arrive at any damn city passed Vidin at a late time. What i'm also trying to say is that anyone who doesn't live in the Vidin oblast has it lucky with traveling. Which includes everyone except Alexa and I. UGH.

Dear Tori,

We finally got paid. I ate a full meal last night and it was good. I also made fudge for my kids. And they loved it.

I started my day by drinking a cup of coffee before playing with the kids. I have this book that Ingrid gave to me before she left. It has ideas for games for kids. We played scavenger hunt, and it was interesting how kids work together. It's funny because in the classroom when I play english games with them, they don't seem to know how to work in teams. But outside the classroom, te mogat. Anyways, after the games, I bought drinks and vafli for the kids cuz they were exhausted. But the sugar made them hyper again and they still wanted to play. Keep in mind, I am playing with 20 kids under the age of 12. Nightmare at times. They wanted to swim in the river....so I went with them to the Danube in a village nearby called Vruv. It felt good, but the river STANK. Anyways, we were jumping off of trees and rocks. And the next thing I know, my little 2nd grader Robbie was crying. I didn't know what he was crying about so I swam to him. And then I felt a warm feeling on my leg....and he stopped crying....and then I got it. He peed on me. I felt gross after that so I got out of the water and just watched the kids swim. Kids tire me out sometimes, and today was a very tiring day. I guess I should not have given them all that sugar. They want to play again on Friday, which I agreed to. Tomorrow I have my summer english class with the smart kids. Seriously, where did the summer go? One last trip before the school year begins, and that is in Varna, which nikoga ne sum bil tam.

I definitely can see myself here for a third year, but I don't know if I can make that decision right now. I have a full life ahead of me, and it is only one more year. The people of Bregovo have taken such good care of me, and I don't know if I will be ready to leave them next summer. Although a lot of good AND bad things have happened to me during my service as of now, I think it's a learning experience none like any other. The sacrifices that I have made here are a hindrance to my lifestyle, but it was something I knew predi Bulgaria. But is postponing my career and my life for another year something that I want to do? I get so attached to the status quo. It's always been a characteristic of mine. I don't feel like I am changing anything in this town, but they are definitely having a HUGE impact on me. I know that I'm very detached from my vulnerable emotions, but the more time I spend with my friends and my kids, the more that barrier gets smaller and smaller....and it's a good thing I guess.

Enough with this. Can we please talk about Real Housewives of New Jersey??? And how crazy they are? It does not make me miss America one bit....although I wish I was there in person during Theresa and Danielle's fight.

And my refridgerator is still broken.

Dear Tori,

I think I may have broken my nagosti record for this week. Yeah it's the sabor, but I've gone to more nagostis in a span of 1 week than I ever had in the past 3 months. The shkembe chorba and sarmis are getting old though. I hope we get paid soon. I want cereal. More updates to come.

Dear Tori,

Today, I picked plums for rakia. I woke up bright and early at 6am and headed to my counterpart's house. Chicho, Ilko, and their friend Vanyo were already awake and ready to go. But first, they had a glass of rakia each. I was offered, but I refused, lol. Anyways, their neighbor had a huge pick up truck so we loaded the back with all the essentials for picking plums: 3 big barrels, tarp, a ladder, a sickle, and a tool that I had never seen before. We drove to the neighboring village of Rakitnitsa where Mariana has private land. There were plum trees there. So we unloaded all the things, put the tarp under the trees and started shaking the branches...and the plums fell like crazy! They even have a special tool for reaching high branches and shaking them! Let me remind you, this is in an un-kept field with lots of holes and rocks and bugs and thorny plants. Ilko told me that this was "diva rabota" which means crazy work. We spent 3 hours picking plums. It was hard not only cuz it was diva rabota, but because it was mnogo zhega. In the end, we didn't end up with as much plums as the guys had expected. They told me that the plums we had would only make 300 liters of rakia, which apparently isn't enough to last for the whole year. I blame the winters. After we got home and unloaded the heavy barrels of plums, we ate. I would say this was a pre-planned nagosti. Because Mariana had prepared food. I was definitely hungry. I had fish for the first time in over a year. And it was delicious. I also had banitsa, kiopolu, cheese, bread, rakia, beer, etc. Anyways, I was at nagosti from 11-4. I had to text Diana to call me and pretend that there was an emergency....after a year of nagostying, you'd think that you would get the hang of sitting and eating for hours. But this was too much. They wouldn't let me go. But yes, I got away. I utre pak shte hodia nagosti pri Mariana. I mean, I love it, but I just hate getting tipsy and sitting there for HOURS.

So this past sunday, I was at the town horo. I had made flyers for the day camp. After handing some of them out, I was getting tired. So what do I do? I put my kids to work. Usually, people don't like handing flyers out. But my kids LOOOVED it. They were fighting over who would hand out the flyers. It made them feel important because they had a job to do and that they were involved in the process. But afterwards, kids were coming up to me asking me why I personally didn't give then a flyer. So I felt bad. But I think that more kids are coming on Thursday...so i'm gonna have to print out more certificates...and my director said that she is gonna make an appearance and announce something...um ok.

Lastly, my sabor starts on FRIDAY! I CANNOT WAIT! Some volunteers are coming to my place! I can't wait to eat and drink and ride the kid rides with the children and hang out at the cafe until 4am and see all my colleagues and friends that I haven't seen the whole summer! Last year's sabor was fun, but this years should be even better because I know everyone! You don't even know how many invitations to nagosti I turned down this week! It hurt to say no to them...but what can I do? Now I'm just rambling....

Dear Tori,

I know that I just wrote a blog yesterday. But I blame this weather for making me stay in my bed all day because it is just too hot to do anything.

There is a constant problem that I keep having every week in my town. And it is having to break large bills. Currently, I only have 20s and 50s in my wallet. I hate the fact that the OBB bankomat only gives out 20s and/or 50s. I always freak out about going to the magazines because I only have large bills...which they don't accept unless you buy more than 10 leva worth of stuff, which I never do in my town. Case in point: there was one time where I only had big bills. I had to catch the bus to Vidin, and the driver rejected me right away when I showed him my 20. So I had to run around town, trying to buy unecessary things just so I can break my 20 so that I can take the bus to Vidin, so that I can catch my train to Sofia (it was the last train out of Vidin that day, so I needed to get it). I went to the first magazine and bought cigarettes and a pack of gum. I don't smoke, but they were 5 leva, so I thought that they were expensive enough for the clerk to give me change. The total was 6 leva. I gave her my 20 and she nodded her head (a no). She said that I could pay her back later. I told her I had to catch the bus and the driver wouldn't take my 20. She still said no. So I owed her 6 leva, and still had my 20. I go to the next magazine. I bought that expensive cereal and expensive kashkaval. The total was almost 10 leva. I gave her my 20. She didn't accept. So at this point, I owed 16 leva to the magazines in my town. I only had 2 minutes before the bus left. I had cereal, cigarettes, cheese, and gum, all of which I had no intention of eating or using. So I did what I had to do: I yelled at the bus driver. I've seen it many times, the bus driver yelling at people and the people yelling at the bus driver. I told him I had to go to Sofia. He said to ask the people on the bus if they had change. He started to drive, and here I am angry at the magazine owners who wont accept my 20, not understanding why...It was money for crying out loud! I probably looked crazy, semi yelling/demanding people to give me change for my 20. Finally, one of my students save my life and found 2 fives and a ten.

I am writing this blog because I am about to go through the same ordeal. I need to go to Vidin. And I really want an ice cream. But no one will ACCEPT MY DAMN 20 LEVA BILL!!! I am trying to save money and not have to buy things I do not need. I might ahve to yell at the driver again. Or buy another box of wine....thats something i always need :)

Dear Tori,

Today, I got my own key to the school. I also have the key to the chitalishte and the sound room. I feel very accomplished for some reason. I'm glad that my colleagues trust me enough to give me keys to 2 important places in town. I want the key to the obshtina next.

Well, I got the key to the school because my adult english classes will be on Saturdays. And since no one wants to go to the school on Saturday to open the door for me, they gave me the key! Speaking of my classes, I thought today went pretty well. Although not all 40 people on the sign up list showed up, I got 2 very advanced people out of it. I will work with them in a separate group, away from the beginners. My summer schedule is very busy, and I don't think that I'll be able to plan a vacation to Romania at this time.

Please excuse my schedule rambling: Monday-lichna karta business. Tuesday-hip hop dance class. Wednesday-English class. Thursday-Mahala? Orphanage? Still not sure. Friday-Swearing In. Saturday-Sofia to pick up Ana!!! I talked to Angela and she said that I can leave Ana's luggage at her apartment for a week so that I we don't have to go back to Bregovo just to pick up her bags. After that, I have my own camp, which I have to make flyers, radio announcements, and ads for...all by next week...all of which is made much easier because I don't have to go all the way to Vidin to print shit out....cuz I have a printer!!! Thanks to a very lovely b-23 who passed it along to me!!!

Dear Tori,

What otpusk? Who knew that my summer would be so busy? I guess I'm taking a week vacation when Ana gets here in 2 weeks. I actually am more relaxed and less stressed out because I don't have 6 classes a day, on top of extra curricular stuff I do with my kids.

I think that I am going to make hip hop classes a little later during the day, even though I prefer having them in the morning, because only half the kids show up. The kids are in and out of vacation and I don't know what to do for those who fall back. I am relying on the advanced dancers to teach them before our concert. Ok, onto the concert thing. I feel like I have so much pressure to do something different and exciting every time. And I feel like I have to participate in every concert that the Bregovo has....and there are A LOT in the summer.

Anyways, I'm extending my adult english classes to the roma population here in Bregovo. I've given flyers to some of them, and I really hope that they come to class today or on Saturday.

So the few days after MSC felt like I was starting over with my PC service. I was away so long from Bregovo, that I felt like a new member of the community. I also felt lonely because I was around so many volunteers, and then to come back to a village is almost like a shock. Did I mention that I really have to tell myself over and over again in my head what the overall message was at MSC? It's really what keeps my anxiety away.

So the radio station here is going to be announcing my camp stuff. If like 100 kids show up for the cooking session, I'm screwed. But I'll deal with it.