Packing is officially one of my least favorite things to do. I just cannot believe how long it is taking to move out of my apartment. Honestly, I know the perception is that I am a pack rat who has too much, and I've always acknowledged a certain level of truth in that perception, but I sincerely didn't realize just how true it is. Now I know.

For starters, I have been packing all afternoon. I have filled 6 garbage bags full of stuff to throw out (not all of which is necessarily trash... a lot of it is just stuff I've been holding on to - like old papers or conference memorabilia - and some of it is stuff that I just don't need anymore but that no one else would want - like toiletries or foodstuff, etc).

The good news is that I am starting to make some serious headway. My bathroom is probably 63% finished. My hallway is around 82% done, and the back hallway is about 76% done. My bedroom is coming along, though I am putting off on packing clothes until the very end (which is why I haven't even started in on my walk-in closet). My kitchen is still absolutely untouched, but it shouldn't be too hard to get taken care of given that I almost never use it. My living room seems to be going through phases... I get it packed and clean and then more stuff from elsewhere in the apartment creeps in to get sorted and packed and the living room ends up full... again. Of course, I still need to get my office done. Theoretically that should be a priority because apparently a summer intern is moving in there sometime this week (and possibly tomorrow - yikes!). I'll at least get the desk into a place that it can be easily used by morning, even if I don't get everything else packed until tomorrow morning.

I am going to pick up the moving truck tomorrow no matter what. I need to move out. I have things to do later this week in Green Oaks, so I can't very well continue to stay in DeKalb.

Once I get back from Cameroon, I am just going to pick a home and never move again. :-)

Life works at its own pace and fate confounds me more often than not. Take for instance the curious case of the high school friends. As I mentioned a few days ago, I recently went on Facebook to see who all was on it from my first high school, and I couldn't remember all that many. But there are those that I do remember, and of late I've been hearing from a lot of people that I haven't talked to in a long time.

I don't want to name names, or tell stories outside of school, but it has been so good to hear from some of these old friends and relive the memories that come so fondly back to me now. These are the days spent working on Yearbook, sitting outside Starbucks, or driving around town in a pseudo-policemobile. These are the people I laughed with, confided in, and grew up with. But in time we also grew apart. There's really no one to blame for such things - we each moved on in different ways and became different people.

As wonderful as it has been to get to reconnect, it comes at a price: I leave in less than 2 weeks. And while I am desperately hoping to keep in touch, I know it's not going to be easy. If we grew apart once, what will stop us from doing it again? I have to believe that there is a reason that we've come back together - that our story isn't yet fully told. I'm not sure what the future will bring, but I hope you'll be in it.

I'm not sure why I feel so, dare I say poetic?, tonight. Perhaps it's because I nearly cried flying back to Illinois this morning after saying goodbye to half my family. Perhaps it's because I talked to one such friend for over an hour tonight (time you might think should have been spent packing, but which I know was far better spent reconnecting). Perhaps because for the first time that I can remember in this apartment, I can hear the storms outside and it is amazing.

Life is just so incredible.

2 weeks from right now I will be done packing. I'll have finished saying all but my very last goodbyes. I'll have celebrated by birthday with family and friends (though I will still be enjoying the last 45 minutes of my 23rd year). I'll no doubt be lying in bed unable to sleep, full of nerves, knowing that I need to be up just a few hours later to make the trek to Milwaukee to catch the flight that will take me away from everything I have known and I everything I have been.

A year ago right now I was in Iowa; my grandmother had just died and the funeral was coming quickly. I was anxious about getting to California so that I could run for NACURH National Chair, and in failing to get elected because of an abstention making the final vote 4-3-1, I would retire after spending 5 years in that organization. And while I knew then that I would be applying for the Peace Corps, it wasn't quite real yet. It was still some mythic beast on the horizon, waiting to be tamed.

It still carries somewhat of a mythical mantle about it, even now as I face the destiny I have carved out for myself. I still do not know that I fully understand what I am about to do, I just know that it is coming. Two weeks left and then it will be here.

And there is still much to be done. Although I think I have just about everything that I will be taking with me (perhaps two or three things remain to be acquired), I have yet to pack it all in my bags and measure/weigh them to make sure that I will be compliant with Peace Corps policies on luggage. I still haven't finished packing my apartment at NIU - a task currently complicated by the fact that I am nearly 1300 miles away in Florida. On top of it all, I still have around 400 pages to go in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, which might not be a priority for others to finish, but what with the final installment coming out in July, I want to be up to speed on the story line (a task I am ashamed to say I put off until this month). Some days I sincerely wonder if I will be ready to leave when the time comes to go. Probably I won't, but I'll leave anyway because life happens whether we want it to or not. Two weeks and I'll take off to meet my fate.

I am excited, don't get me wrong. I have poured my heart and soul into this process over the last 12 months, and now it is finally time to reap the fruits of that labor. I have given myself over to higher education for the last six years, and now I'll be able to use my knowledge and hopefully gain some more. There is much to look forward to.

But there are also many things that I will miss. I have gotten to spend a lot of time to myself while home this week, and I have spent much of it thinking about what I anticipate missing the most. Here's what I've come up with:

People (my family, friends, colleagues, staff, etc)Fast food (well American food in general, I am sure)Snow (at least a little bit... even though I don't really like it all that much when it is happening to me)News ChannelsHigh speed wireless internetHall Council/RHA (ok, I'm a housing geek...)Wal-Mart (really, late night shopping in general)Road TripsBuying new Crocs (btw, I got my eighth pair at Disney... it has Mickey Mouse ears for holes!!)Getting new books on a regular basisVH1 (especially CelebReality and the middle of the night when it actually plays music... oh, and You Outta Know artists)The new Harry Potter movieSpecial events (like my mother graduating with her masters, my step-sister graduating from college, birthday dinners at Eduardo's, grad nights, etc)Sleepovers (even the ones in the middle of the afternoon while watching American Gladiators)CheeseMy office and all of its wondersPhotocopiersGroupwise and Groupwise messengerThe Weather Channel (but NOT weather.com)Podcasts updated dailyInterlibrary loan (which I often used just for the heck of it)Receiving postcards from everyone who went anywhere (and often their parents, too!)I think in 6 months or so I will revisit this list and see what things I actually end up missing. It'll be like taking an O.W.L. in Divination (without having to deal with Professor Trelawney). If this reference means nothing to you, you haven't been reading enough Harry Potter books...

Well, I had anticipated sitting down this evening to write about my adventures (so far) in Florida, and I suspect that I still will. In the meantime I have some pondering to do. Come along.

I was on Facebook this evening and I decided to look up some people from high school. I should clarify... I was looking up people from my FIRST high school - the one in Illinois. Now, I went there for 3 years. It wasn't that big of a place, to be honest. Medium sized, I'd say. Regardless, so I am going through all the people in my graduating class (well, what would have been my graduating class, except I moved to Florida) and I realized that I could remember maybe 25%, and that's being generous. Maybe you've also had this experience when you look back at old stuff. So now I'm thinking is it just that I blocked out those years or that I am really just that much of an asshole that I can't even remember the people I went to high school with. Certainly there's something to be said about remembering friends more than others, but come on... these are the people I was in class with for three years. They were my community. I should at least remember that they existed. I don't even know if I can remember everyone I went on Kairos with - and that's saying something. So if it is so easy for me to forget all of them... do you think they've all forgotten me? (Perhaps it really doesn't matter anyway.)

As for my adventures in the Sunshine State... well, it's been adventurous. Today, my mother, my nephew, and I went to the Magic Kingdom, which was a lot of fun. As we were sitting on the dock waiting for the ferry to take us back to the parking lot, my mother made the astute observation that Daniel just doesn't have any concept that there are children who don't have season passes and who can't just come to the park whenever they want to. Growing up, I always dreamed of going to Disney because of all of its magicalness, and it wasn't until I was in 7th grade that my family finally went. Actually - not true. Everyone in my family had already gone... I just wasn't brought along until 7th grade (thanks to divorced parents, it always seemed to happen that I was with the other parent whenever anyone made the trip - I'm not saying that was planned, but it does make you wonder...).

Here's my pondering on this... the sound I heard most often today was crying. Disney is supposed to make dreams come true, but really it's all hype. It is a great park - don't get me wrong. But it sets the bar too high. It isn't enough to just get in - it hooks you and makes you want so much more. And it's so big that you can't do everything and that sucks. And it's so expensive that you can't afford what you want and that sucks too. Lunch today was $7 a person for a hot dog, chips, and a soda. That's just crazy. I have no idea why we are so willing to spend that kind of money, but we are. And overall the experience is worth it because it is fun and I won't get to spend any quality time with Daniel for the next few years. When I come back, he'll already be 8 years old.

Disney is certainly a cultural icon. As I prepare to leave the US, I find myself trying to unlock and untwist the many things that make our culture what it is. Why is Disney so important to us? Why don't we walk under ladders? Why is Ronald McDonald a household name, even in a country where so many are scared of clowns? And why are people even afraid of clowns to begin with? Roland Barthes tackled these questions for the French people when he wrote his Lieux des memoires about the culturally laden objects in life. These are those commonly held things that all Americans know - the things that somehow make us American for knowing them. I can listen to an American song and fully understand nearly every cultural reference being made because I understand American culture. I'm scared to think that in just 19 days I won't be able to do that because I just don't have the experience to be on that level with Cameroonian culture. And when I return to the United States, I will have lost 2 years worth of cultural references.

Well, that's enough of that for the night. I am extremely tired after being at Disney all day. I think I will read some Harry Potter and then get some sleep.

After what can only be described as a painfully bumpy morning, the Farewell Tour has finally arrived in Florida. I'll be here until next Friday, when I will return to DeKalb. I'll see my grandfather this weekend, for what will most likely be our last time seeing each other. It's a little bit surreal (and perhaps morbid) to think like that, but it is reality. My grandfather is not in the greatest of health, and he's getting up there in age. Two years is a very long time to be away, and the one year anniversary of my grandmother's death is this weekend. Plus, he's having his dog put to sleep. These are those small hours that make life what it is.

Grades came out yesterday, and I passed the class I needed to, so I am now officially an alumnus of Northern Illinois University for real. Of course, I won't see my diploma until after I get back from Africa (it won't get sent until July!!), but my father has promised that he will send me pictures of it once it arrives. Whatever. At least I have my hood.

I am about 30 pages to the end of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, so I should be able to start on the Order of the Phoenix later tonight... finally! Now I realize that I am almost 24 and am nonetheless obsessed with Harry Potter... but the way I look at it, at least I'm not using drugs. So let's all just be thankful for good (even if dorky) decisions.

In the realm of bad decision making, I forgot to pack my glasses for my trip to Florida. I have my contacts here (and an extra pair), so I'm not flying blind, but still. So far as I can tell that's the only thing I forgot on this leg of the trip. I was able to test out my new duffle bag to see how much I could pack in it and how easy it is to travel with. I packed pretty much all of the clothes that I'll be taking with me to Cameroon (less the hoodies...) and it came out to just 32.7 lbs, so I am well below the 80 lb rule. That means that I can bring more fun stuff! Woohoo! I am definitely wanting to bring my DVD collection with me since I have transferred it into a CD Case... but I am a little torn about it. I hear from people in the field (including someone who commented on my packing list) that bringing DVDs is a great thing. My worry is that it will make me look like the spoiled, rich American. I realize that regardless of what I do that will happen, but why flaunt it? I also worry that I will use it as my main outlet, thus missing out on the culture and county around me. On the other hand, movies will help keep me sane. When I interned in Brooklyn, having DVDs made it possible for me to survive what could have been an otherwise entirely dreary existence in my apartment. And while I feel like I made the most of my time in the Big Apple by visiting all of the major sites and seeing the shows and visiting the parks, etc, there are always going to be those days/nights when I will just want to stay in and watch a movie. Thoughts?

Well, like I said, the Farewell Tour is in Florida until 5/25. I'll return to DeKalb until 5/29, when I hope to be fully moved out of my apartment and done with my assistantship (I had hoped to have everything done by today, but sometimes it's more important to spend time with the people who have changed your life than it is to meet arbitrary deadlines). I'll be in Green Oaks from 5/29-6/2, when I hope to head up to Milwaukee for the night. I am celebrating my birthday on 6/4 (since I'll be leaving for staging on my actual birthday), and then I am hoping to have a final dinner with my family on 6/5. My flight will be early on 6/6, and then I'm off for the "toughest job I'll ever love." So those are your Farewell Tour 2007 dates. If you're looking for more specific information about a stop, shoot me an email and I'll let you what's happening.

Remember when it happened again an hour later?

Of course, this time we can't seem to come back out of the alarm, so although my building is currently in general alarm (luckily no residents to evacuate - thank goodness for small blessings) I'm sitting in my apartment listening to what can only be described as a constant door bell like sound repeating over and over and over and over again. Luckily, I know I won't be sleeping through getting ready this morning since I'm already up.

Am I in Florida yet??

So remember that time when there was a fire alarm at 5am on my pseudo-last night in Stevenson? Thanks for the memories, NIU!

Now I'm debating between going back to bed for another hour and a half, or just biting the bullet and staying up to continue to pack until I need to leave around 9:30am to catch my flight to Florida... The adrenaline is still pumping from jumping into hall director mode on that alarm... but at the same time, I just went to bed at 4am after packing all night...

Yep, sleep it is. :-)

How do you pack for two years of life in a foreign land that you've never been to? That's the question I'm trying to answer right now. And to be honest, I just don't know. So here's my packing list as of this moment - hopefully someone has some feedback. (I haven't actually put everything together yet and weighed it to be sure I'm under the 80 pound maximum, so it's quite possible that I'll need to cut down on some items.)

Cameroon Packing List

Clothes

10 pairs underwear

10 pairs (unopened) underwear

2 pairs jeans

2 pairs khakis

5 undershirts

5 unopened undershirts

5 tshirts

1 pair tennis shoes

2 pair Crocs

1 pair dress shoes

1 pair dress pants

2 hoodies (Marquette, Hope College)

5 dress shirts

2 polos (NIU, Other)

2 pairs sunglasses

2 hats (NBD Visor, Other hat)

1 pair house slippers

1 jacket

10 pairs socks

10 pairs unopened socks

Wristwatch

2 belts

Technology

Laptop (and power cords)

Cell phone

Solio (and attachments)

Battery powered speakers

Power converter

Flash drive

Ceedo drive

Shake Flash Light

Hand-crank Shortwave Radio

Digital camera (and rechargeable batteries)

AA and AAA batteries

Handheld GPS unit

Entertainment

Books (The Alchemist, Africa on a Shoestring)

DVDs (Harry Potter series)

IPod and headphones

Connection Cords

Puzzles/Games

Recorder (instrument) and instructions

Knit loom and hooks

Crochet hooks

Health/Body

3-month supply of prescription

2 pairs eyeglasses

Contacts and supplies

Jump rope

Antibacterial Soap

Hand sanitizer

1 month supply of toiletries (Shampoo, Conditioner, Razor Blade, Shaving Cream, Aftershave, Cologne, Toothbrush, Toothpaste, Mouthwash)

Spirit

Bible

Rosary

Benedict Crucifix

5 Moleskin Journals

Assignment

Red pens

Grading books

Chalk holder

TEFL resources

ESL Binder

French grammar review book

Home/Decor

American Flag

Maps of Africa, USA, World

Sleeping bag

Pillow and pillow case

Photos of family/friends

Photo book

School pennants (Marquette, NIU)

Vegetable/flower seeds

Postcard collection

Calendar

Garden gnome

Reality/Keeping in Touch

3 books of USPS stamps

Address Book

3 packs of pens

3 packs of pencils

Pencil sharpener

Stationary

Gifts for family stay (Photo book of Chicagoland, Photo book of Space Coast)

Current magazines (for current PCVs)

Food/Kitchen

Kool-Aid packs

2 Nalgene bottles with mouth-guards

Sauce packs

Basic cookbook

All-purpose utility knife (Leatherman?)

Luggage

Colty Internal Frame Backpack

Orange book bag (packed in other bag? carry on?)

Laptop case (carry on)

Large duffle bag

What a way to end my graduate career.

To start with, Joni, Sarah, Craig and I had an amazingly fun impromptu lunch date at Potbelly's. We enjoyed the brief period of warmth this afternoon by eating outside and laughing and being together.

After returning to the building, Craig and I decided to fly a kite out by the Lorasso Lagoon. Much fun.

Then my family arrived for graduation, and Joni, Tiffany, and I walked over with our guests at 4:30. Graduation was an absolute blast. The ceremony itself was entirely boring (there wasn't even a speaker...), but the three of us made the most of the over 2 hours that we sat there. We were troopers - even though over half of the grad students left the ceremony after walking across the stage, we stuck it out - and we took some very fun pictures. When I get a chance, I will be sure to post some.

Then Joni and her mother joined my family at O'Leary's for dinner. Craig, Sarah, and Allie joined us. It was nice to have everyone (mostly) together. Dinner was definitely enjoyable. When my paternal family headed back to Lake County, my mother and her sister decided to go to bed back at their hotel, so I returned to Stevenson.

Then, Allie, Craig, Sarah and I went to Lord Stanley's (a first for me!) and met up with David C. What fun! Honestly, it was a very enjoyable night.

And now, I am going to bed. I need to meet mom and Aunt Linda at 8am at their hotel for breakfast before my mother heads to Rockford to catch her flight to Florida.

I can't believe I have a masters degree. :-D

After yesterday's mini-meltdown, I took a break for a bit to start cleaning out my office. Having felt a sense of accomplishment, I was able to refocus on my final. My professor gave me the paper extension, so all is well there. I was able to spend about 3 hours last night beginning to pack my apartment, so while nowhere near to being done with that task, I am at least 3 hours closer. The moral of the situation: sometimes you just have to freak out for a little bit so you can see how ridiculous it all is. Then you cut the crap and move on having been liberated of the previously pent-up emotions. So, while still busy, life is nonetheless quite good.

On the docket today: more packing/cleaning in my apartment. Joni, Tiffany, and I are heading over to pick up our caps, gowns and hoods around 1, and then we are heading over to the Division of Student Affairs end of the year celebration event thing. Much of the housing crew is heading over to play putt-putt after that, and while I'd really like to join them (and still might), I realize that I still have a million things to do here, and I could definitely use that time to my benefit. We shall see.

Current goal: have the apartment totally cleaned and ready for final packing by Sunday. That seems doable, if you ask me.

In 3 days, 3 hours, and 15 minutes I will graduate with my MSEd. If I can just get through this week.

My last final (the only final in my grad school career) is due tonight at 6pm. It's almost done. I just have to write 2 more 3-paragraph essays. Sounds easy (and it will be) if I can just find the drive for it. I've been alternately working on that and my final paper for that class, which is nowhere near being done. I've asked my professor for an extension, so hopefully she'll give it to me. (I think it's a little ridiculous to assign grad students an extra 15-20 page paper for an undergraduate course. The undergrads had to write 3-5 pages. I get that I'm a grad student, but at the same time, this paper is on top of everything else in the class. One major paper a semester is enough for me.) The problem isn't even procrastination - it's a lack of sources. The paper is on the different layers of magisterium in Roman Catholicism and whether that leaves any room for alternative theologies on gays, abortion, or contraception. At least this paper is much more in my realm of understanding (as opposed to my capstone, which had me starting at square one from the beginning). If my professor wanted me to just outline the argument and then give my thoughts, I think I could definitely get to 15 pages. But it's supposed to be more research based, and she really wants to see a historical development to the whole thing. I think that will translate into an all nighter for me tonight so I can finish it and be done with my graduate career.

It's weird how difficult this is for me. As an undergrad, my finals weeks were filled with 10-20 page papers in each of my classes, and nearly all of them were in French. Of course, at Marquette I could just go to the Raynor all night, but NIU doesn't have a 24-hour study space. That void is ostensibly filled by the campus Newman (Catholic Student) Center, which offers itself as such a space. But without an internet connection, what's the use? And I suppose that I'm just getting too old. And I suppose having to close a building (especially now that my tower is short staffed) makes this a little different that undergrad, too. Back then I could pull an all nighter, turn the paper in, and go to bed. But here I need to go to my office for at least a few hours per day if for no reason other than trying to finish my end of the year reports before I leave next week. After all, my last day at work is one week from today, and my flight home is one week from tomorrow. I haven't even begun to really pack yet. The pressure is definitely starting to mount to get everything done.

On top of it all is the reality that I am leaving the country in just 29 days. (What was I thinking deciding to give myself just a few weeks between graduation and leaving for the Peace Corps??) When I leave DeKalb, I am leaving a lot of really good people and really good friends. Some of them I will never see again. So the last thing I want to be doing during my last week here is school work. I hate that this is how my time here will end, and I am doing everything I can to at least spend some time with my friends and staff members. But every minute I spend with them is another minute spent away from my office or my apartment or my papers. Even typing this means that I have now lost another 15 minutes.

I just need to keep swimming. If I can just pull this off for another 2 days, then all will be good. I just need to keep prioritizing and reassessing where I am. It's almost over. It doesn't need to be perfect, but it does need to get done.

Story time.

So of late I've gotten the bug: the Rubik's Cube bug. I've been set on becoming a speed cuber. I don't know why precisely, but then I never really know why these urges come. Anyway, I decided last week that I would learn to solve the cube. This, of course, required that I own a cube. I figured that this was no big deal, after all it has been around for like 20 years. So I went to Walmart (given that this craving hit me in the middle of the night - naturally). And to my surprise, no cubes. None. At all. The woman in the toy section said that they sell them, but they can never keep them in stock they are so popular. Well, the next day I decided to try Target. Also a no go. That's right - Target was out too. I tried the local games specialty store, where I was able to get a Rubik's 4x4 (a normal cube - used for speed cubing - is 3x3), but they too were sold out of the standard cube. So then I drove out to the Meijer (which is about 20 miles away - aka the next town over). Also no cubes. Somewhat disheartened I found out the Target delivery schedule and started calling on delivery days. After a week of being told that it still hadn't come, I decided that the time had come to pull out all of the stops. I drove out to Batavia with a friend, and we went to the Target there. When they, too, were out I finally got smart and went to customer service and asked them to start calling the other Targets in their area to see if anyone had one. On the very first call, they found a store that said they had one, so we drove down to North Aurora. As should've been expected, this was all lies. North Aurora was, in fact, also out of the cube. So this time I was able to speak to a management level person, and I explained to him that I was on a quest, really, and that it wasn't going so well. He was also confused as to why no one seemed to have any cubes, so he pulled out his magical inventory PDA thing and was able to print out a list of all of the stores that claimed to have one. So I started calling, and luckily the store in St. Charles was able to put one at Customer Service for me. And so, my quest for a Rubik's Cube came to an end. And then we went to see Disturbia, which was totally amazing. And that's my story.

In other news, the Cameroon Country desk at PC/Washington contacted all the invitees on Friday to let us know that our staging packets are on their way. They also sent some info about communication and travel for family and friends. Email me if you want me to forward it to you. According to the email, staging will be in Philadelphia.

Cameroon has been on the news the last few days. Apparently there was a plane crash. Sad news, really, but at least people now have a better idea of where Cameroon is (thanks to all the maps).

I passed my capstone paper. That's right. I passed. So, provided I pass the class (which shouldn't be an issue at all), I am done with my MSEd.

I'm going to take a moment to brag because I spent all semester on this paper and it feels good to have completed it. It was titled "Training to Change the World: Intercultural Adaptation and the Peace Corps" and it looked at intercultural adaptation and training methods as they should apply to the Peace Corps' mission. Although I looked at the actual Peace Corps training model, the paper really looked more at the theoretical background in which the Peace Corps model functions, as opposed to actually assessing the efficacy of that model.

The paper is read by three anonymous reviewers from amongst the faculty in the Adult and Higher Education program. Usually they are assigned your paper (by the faculty coordinators) because they have some level of expertise in your topic. Each reviewer scores it across seven dimensions, each of which can be graded "Good", "Adequate", or "Inadequate" - each of which is worth a different set point amount. Getting all "Adequates" gets you a score of 15 (26 is perfect), which is the minimum needed to pass a single reviewer. You need to pass 2 reviewers in order to have the paper pass.

My paper received two 26 scores and a 22. The 22 came from a reviewer who felt that I didn't incorporate enough adult education theory into my paper. I can't argue with the comment, because my paper was about higher education and intercultural training - not adult education. So if I were to want to submit the paper for publication (which one of the reviewers encouraged), I would probably take a better look at the adult education angle. But even a 22 is not bad.

Anyway, that was my moment of zen for the day. :-)

It's that time of year - finals are quickly approaching, elections are happening on campus, and we're preparing to close the residence halls for summer. It's the end of another academic year. Of course, this isn't just any end; this is the end of my last year as a college student, at least for awhile. And it's the end of my time in residence life, perhaps forever.

Here's what has already ended. Hall Council - elections were last week, and our last business meeting was on Tuesday. RHA's last meeting was Sunday. BIC had elections tonight, and now they are done meeting. My last required course is now over, and my capstone is turned in. I've made the last trip from my father's house to campus, and I've gotten my last oil change. We've even completed Spring training for next year's staff.

Not everything is quite over yet: Hall Council's end of the year party is this Tuesday, and the RHA Banquet is a week from yesterday (although I'll be in Kansas then). My last staff meeting is on Thursday, though I'll still have Senior Staff meetings for the next 3 weeks. I still have around 5 more nights of duty and 12 more (official) office hours to complete. I don't graduate for another 18 days, and I won't leave campus for another 23 days. And before I even walk I still need to complete 2 papers and a final (for a class that doesn't really matter).

Irrespective of my decision to join the Peace Corps, this is it. In 19 days I will wake up without an identity that I've been carrying with me since 1987: student. Maybe I'm looking at this too deeply, and maybe I will be feeling so rushed then that I won't even notice it, but right now I'm feeling those deep pangs of loss. I'm glad to be getting some time off from my studies, but I am really going to miss it.

"We cannot love to live, if we cannot bear to die" - William PennWhat an astounding week to be in Student Affairs. I suppose I don't have to tell you about the VA Tech tragedy, which in and of itself gives reason for college administrators to pause and reflect. I think to myself, "what if that had happened in my building? What if those were my students? My staff members? My colleagues? My friends? Would I have seen the warning signs? How would I have responded?" In the end, I think the people at VA Tech did what they had to do, and I don't for a single second doubt any actions they made. While there is always room for improvement, we aren't dealing with machines - we are are dealing with living, feeling, reacting humans. And they did their best. Second-guessing them does no good whatsoever, and I sincerely doubt that anyone could have done any better.

But even without the tragedy in Blacksburg, we've been hit with our own share of struggles here in DeKalb. Over the weekend, a young man with many friends in our university community died after apparently being attacked outside a local bar. And then, on Tuesday, a student was hit in front of an academic building while riding his motorcycle and also died. He was a senator in our Student Association. Regardless of circumstance, it's never easy to deal with a student death, and having these three incidents in a row is taking its toll. This is the part of working in Student Affairs that I hate - having to see our students struggle through these tragedies and knowing that I can't fix it for them. It just is what it is.

All of these events have caused me to return to my roots and seek out guidance in the words of those who have come before me. This time, it's William Penn who best speaks to my condition in his text Some Fruits of Solitude. Over the past few months - even these last couple of years - I have lost touch with the foundations of my faith, those words that first inspired me to feel the presence of the Divine instead of just trusting that it was there. I suppose the journey of faith is one that unfolds without end unto the very moment of death, and perhaps beyond, and that this moment is just another bend in that path for me.

What a downer of an evening/night. I've been working on my Powers of Attorney and Last Will and Testament for the past few hours. I know it sounds strange for a 23-year-old to be thinking about such things, but after the Anna Nicole Disaster (and she was only in her 30s), I just think it's important to have my wishes written down.

I think the hardest things for me to really figure out are at what point do I want medical care stopped if something should happen to me and how I want to be buried. The first is hard because so much of me wants to never give up, but at the same time, it's prideful to stay on machines when they do nothing but prolong a life that has already passed. While I don't want to die, I also do not want to live forever. When I am called to awaken, I want to awaken.

The burial part is hard because I don't know exactly how to respect what have now become deeply entrenched and solidified religious beliefs. And while it seems like there are only 2 options (traditional burial and cremation), in fact there are others. I find "green" burials particularly appropriate given my religious leanings, but I am not sure that will be an option, especially if something happens to me overseas and my parents want to bring me back to the states.

At least creating Power of Attorney documents were pretty easy, and I even learned quite a bit in the process. For instance, who knew that a living will is almost entirely useless in the state of Illinois? Certainly I didn't! Good thing I looked that up, I suppose.

I suppose that I ought to end this on a lighter note; after all, it's now nearly 6am and I'm finally about ready to go to sleep. (Actually, I think I can hear my next door neighbor - he's probably about ready to head out for the morning.) Well, I just got a new CD at Target that I absolutely love - it's called "have you heard The NEW Sound of Adult Alternative". It features music by Regina Spektor, Missy Higgins, Caleb Kane, The Gabe Dixon Band, and a number of other artists. To be honest, I had only heard of Regina Spektor, but the CD was on sale for $4.88, so I figured I'd treat myself since I've been so good about exercising every day of late. Good thing - I could listen to this CD for hours. In fact, I have been listening to it for hours. :-D

One of my favorite things in life is signs that have issues, such as this one Tiffany, Joni, and I came across this afternoon during our photo field trip through DeKalb. Just fantastic. It really makes me proud of my adopted home.

At least it gave me the opportunity to test out posting photos in the blog, a feature I'm sure will come in handy in the future, if not for this blog (because I'm still undecided on whether or not I'll continue with it), then perhaps on the communal blog I'll be starting with my family and friends in the next few weeks.

50 days. Wow. (And just 26 until graduation! Woohoo!)

I am trying to put together a photo memory book for me to take to Cameroon. On the one hand it will serve the purpose of allowing me to show my host family and the people I work with what my life was like back here. Plus, it will help me when I get lonely, because I'll be able to flip through it and remember the good times and the great people. I am getting the memory book printed from digital photos, so it will be somewhat like a yearbook (as opposed to a regular photo album).

Friends and Family: Of course, not using a digital camera throughout college and grad school has taken its toll and I have very few digital photos that I can use for this project. Here's where I need your help. I am hoping that you will be able to send me some digital photos chronicling the good times we've spent together over the years: the road trips, the programs, the conferences, the social gatherings, the field trips, the nights in the yearbook office, the late night food runs, etc. If you have any such photos, I would really appreciate it if you could email some to me. (If you are thinking Facebook - I already thought of that. Unfortunately, Facebook pictures are too poor of resolution to be used. I need originals.)

It's over. I'm done. The capstone is complete. Cilvia and I went over this afternoon to turn our 4 copies apiece of our capstone papers. And now the waiting begins. We should hear back in 2-3 weeks whether or not they were approved. Cross those fingers, and say those prayers, cause Lord knows I have worked too hard these past 2 years to not graduate!

Now I just have to write a 15-20 pager for a class that isn't even on my program of study. Gotta love it.

My capstone paper is due in about 21 hours. Naturally I am procrastinating on completing it. (I suppose it should be noted that the paper has a final draft which I could turn in tomorrow. My advisor thinks it's ok, as I noted last night, but I know I can do better. And I will. I just need a break for a few minutes.)

Anywho, I wanted to point out the shock I felt this morning when I walked out of my apartment and, while waiting for an elevator (because I am that jerk that takes the elevator from the 2nd floor), I looked out the window and saw a world of white. That's right. Snow. Everywhere. Though this goes without saying, I will say it nonetheless: WTF?!? Word on the street (and by street, I clearly mean AccuWeather) is that we'll get another inch tonight. Seriously? Seriously! I keep meaning to post pictures on this blog, and this just might be the occasion. If the snow is still on the ground when I walk over to Graham (or is it Gable?) to turn in my capstone tomorrow afternoon, I'm taking some photos. That'll show mother nature.

Well, it's official. I'm dentally cleared.

Maybe anticlimatic after medical clearance, but as of right now - and for the very first time since I applied in June - there are absolutely no holds on my file.

There's still the possibility of legal holds once the final legal review is complete. (I'm not really sure when that happens... and it may have already, pending final review at staging.) But there are no skeletons in my closet, so I don't imagine that legal will be an issue.

So that, as they say, is that. My application is complete.

55 days. Just 55 days.

So, I want to write about some of the things that are running through my mind right now, preventing me from falling asleep, despite it being after 3am.

1) The weather. Maybe this is stupid, but really, it's April. There is absolutely no reason for it to still be cold outside. And the snow on Easter - absolutely uncalled for. I know I complain about the weather a lot, but I just like to be warm.

2) Capstone paper. It's due in just over 24 hours. This is the real deal - the difference between graduating or just leaving. I feel like I've really poured myself into over the last couple of weeks. The topic (essentially) is intercultural training and adaptation. Clearly I picked it because I thought it would be useful for me over the next few months/years, and I truly have learned a lot. However, I should have stuck with what I know. After all, nearly every major paper I've written over the last 2 years has been about spirituality and learning/identity development. What was I thinking choosing a topic I knew nothing about when I started? My advisor says the paper is ok right now, but I definitely need better than ok. So tomorrow I hit the books for one final push towards walking in May.

3) The end of things. I realized last night as I was driving back to campus from my father's that it was probably the last time I would be driving back to campus from my father's as a student. The next time I'll visit his house will be when I leave campus for good in about 5 weeks. And I leave campus for good in about 5 weeks. I finish my capstone this week, and then I have a research paper due in 2 weeks and then I graduate (assuming my capstone gets approved) in 31 days, 13 hours, and 42 minutes. And then I'm done. After six years, I am finally leaving college. And Triduum/Easter was my last major religious holiday in the States until I come back. Sure, I can celebrate them overseas, but I wonder if they will be different when I can't celebrate them in the privacy of the sanctuary I've created here. Even the little things will be different - like going to Walmart tonight with Joni and Tiffany - how many more of those late night trips will we take. And some of these things are things I will never get back because even when I return, this experience of grad school will be over. It's just a little overwhelming.

4) Life is moving on. That's right. Life is moving on. We are hiring staff for a department that I won't be a part of. We're electing executives for a hall council that I won't advise. My friends are applying for jobs that I won't be here to see. The news is covering an election that I won't be in the country for. Life is moving on, even if I won't be a part of it. And that's hard. I once talked, during a keynote I gave at an NRHH Induction, about the futility in working towards a legacy because in the end we will be forgotten, even when our work remains. It is far better to work in the best interest of those we serve because only work that aims at improving the lives of others ultimately lasts. But knowing that our contributions are what are important doesn't mitigate the fact that I want to feel important. I want to feel necessary. But realistically, I'm not. I know I matter and that I make my mark and affect people's lives, but it didn't have to be me. I have just been blessed to have been given the opportunity. And I know that I will matter in my new community, but for my community here, life is moving on, and I'm not moving with it.

Maybe that last part sounds like I'm a downer, and I promise I'm not depressed or anything. Even in the sadness of knowing that the world continues to turn whether or not I will it to (and maybe it isn't sadness so much as smallness that I feel), I am excited about leaving. I am counting the days until I go. I want to start this next journey. But right now I am not in the Peace Corps - I'm here. I'm not living the life of a volunteer - I'm living this life as a graduate hall director. This is the moment I'm in, and it's ending, and it's hard.

So that's what I'm thinking tonight as I lay on my couch and ponder the world.

Everything is changing.

First, over the weekend I wrote a couple of journal entries while recovering from my dental procedure. I posted them both this afternoon and back dated them so they will show up when they were written. Basically it was a test run for when/if I continue this blog overseas. I apologize for their length and content - after all, I was on painkillers following the surgery. :-)

Second, if you are reading this because you are also coming to Cameroon with the Peace Corps in June, you should consider joining the Peace Corps Cameroon 2007 email group at Google.

Finally, if you are reading this because you are a friend/family member, shoot me an email. I am going to work on setting up a group blog if you are interested. Essentially, whenever you receive a letter from me, you'd hop onto that group blog and post it for everyone else to read. It won't be open to the public, so you'll need to be a member to see it. That way I won't have to write the same things over and over and over again, plus if I am able to talk to someone by phone, news can spread more quickly amongst my inner circle. I'll post on it too, if I am able.

As for the future of this blog, well, I'm not sure quite yet what I will do with it, and I still have time. But, the purpose was originally to document my journey from application to departure, and I feel like it has just about outlived its purpose. After all, I leave for staging in just 56 days. Anyway, I am still working out what I want to do.

Day 2 post-op has gone pretty well. Not as much pain as yesterday, though perhaps a bit more nausea, which I attribute to having eaten nothing but chocolate pudding for about 24 hours. Tonight I had some French fries, which were a bit painful to chew, and some macaroni and cheese, which thankfully can be eaten without much chewing at all. It doesn’t hurt so much when I talk, which is nice, but I still have a limit of around an hour before I need to stop. I’ve also been a lot more tired today than yesterday, so I took a few naps. In fact, today has been a mostly boring day (which explains why I am writing another journal entry).

Now, you might be thinking that I should be working on my capstone paper, especially since my second to last draft is due on Sunday (with the absolute final draft being due Thursday). Points to you for that astute observation. Actually, I did bring all of my research materials here with me, but because I got in so late on Wednesday night I never took them out of my car. Little did I know, my father decided to take my car in to get it tuned up, etc. While I do greatly appreciate his effort, it would have been nice to have been able to get my books (and the remainder of my laundry) out of there first. Hopefully the car will be ready tomorrow and then I can spend the day working on the paper.

I won’t actually be returning to campus until Monday evening now, on account of having a follow up appointment with the oral surgeon on Monday afternoon. I figure I’ll get dinner here and avoid the rush hour traffic around the city and the suburbs. So that’ll be that.

My dental file should be totally complete now. I finished copying everything this afternoon, and I will be dropping it in the Fed Ex box tomorrow.

I started my packing list today. Because I don’t have wireless here, I couldn’t look up the packing list a current Cameroon PCV sent me, but I think I have a pretty solid start. I have no doubt that I will need to prune my list down because I’m not sure how I will make it in under 80 pounds. Heck, I don’t even go on a week-long vacation with less than 50 pounds. I know I’ll make do somehow, I’m just not sure how quite yet. Luckily, nearly everything on my list are things I already have.

Although, there are 2 projects I do want to start on: a photo book and an address book. For the photo book, I want to compile some digital photos of family, friends, and places I’ve been. I have access to tons on Facebook and I have my camera, so that’ll be a good start. I figure I can email friends and family to get them to send me some more. Walmart and Walgreens can both make customized photo books (like a cross between a year book and a photo album) out of digital pictures, so that’s something I’d like to have with me. I think it will really help keep me united with my reality, and it will let me share my life with the people I meet. I’d thought of maybe making a memory book and asking for people to send me letters (similar to Kairos) so I’d have something solid to look through when I feel a little lonely or disconnected. (Of course, you can still free feel to send me letters – I’ll certainly appreciate them.)

My second project will be to make an address book. Although I have most people’s email addresses, I also want to get some snail mail addresses, too. Plus, I’ll need to put them into an actual hard copy format just in case I can’t use my computer all that often or if I lose my files, or who knows what.

I also want to get some kind of an album for my postcard collection so I can bring that too. I think more than anything else, I want to bring things with me that remind me of home. While there are certainly different philosophies on how to live “THE Peace Corps Experience”, I’m trying to be practical. This is going to be the next 2 years of my life, and I am going to feel at least some homesickness. And I don’t want to turn my back on my life here. If anything, PC should be just another step in life, even if it marks a major turning point. So, I want to bring some things that keep me rooted in my reality. (Plus, it’ll give me something to show people who want to know what America is like. And sharing American culture is one of the goals of the Peace Corps!)

Now that I am within 2 months of staging, I am beginning to feel nervous. It’s almost a little scary, to be honest. As I lay here in my bed in the house that I lived in for many of my teenage years, it’s strange to think that I am leaving all of this behind. It’s so weird to talk to my best friends on the phone as they complete on-campus interviews and know that they are also starting new lives with new jobs at new institutions and to think that I won’t be part of that journey with them and they won’t be part of this journey with me. As the moment of my departure slowly approaches, I am realizing just how difficult this is going to be. I’ve moved away from friends before, but this time I am crossing an ocean and a technological gap. But, I’ve said from the beginning that I am doing this because I want to grow. I want to be a better person. This is my chance to push myself. This is my chance to be the friend I’ve always wanted to be. And I am working on it. I’m trying to lay the foundation now so that when I leave it’ll be ok for us to only hear from each other once a month through written word, knowing that it could be many months (or even the full 2 years) until I get to see people and hear their voices again.

In the meantime, I need to avoid the pitfall I usually find myself in when I am about to make a major life change. Usually, once I know the next step, I disengage with the one I’m in. For instance, the excitement of knowing that I was moving to Florida made it hard to enjoy my last few months at Carmel. Getting into Marquette made me miss out on the connections I could have made stronger in Rockledge/Viera. Being hired and getting into grad school at Northern made me forget to really cherish my last weeks in Milwaukee. Even though I am leaving in less than 2 months for Cameroon, I need to remember to live in the here and now. Every day is its own day, and I need to rejoice in it. It’s going to be difficult as my departure comes closer, so I ask that you bear with me. Help me to remember what I’ve worked so hard for over the past 2 years. Help me to stay focused on the goals that brought me this far. And more than anything, help me to remember that I am nothing without the community of friends and family that have made me who I am today.

On a religious aside (and you can stop reading now if you want), I just want to wish everyone a sacred Good Friday. Although it’s been a few years since I left Catholicism and started down my own spiritual path, there is still no time of the year that I hold in such hollowed esteem as the Triduum. I may no longer practice as I once did, but I still firmly believe in the power of faith – whatever that faith may bind you to. For my many Catholic friends, I hope that as the conclusion of Holy Week unwinds and that as the miracle of Easter unfolds that you find a great renewal in spirit and hope.

Two long-awaited milestones have finally arrived.

As I’ve been writing about for some time now, my wisdom teeth were removed on Thursday. After preparing for the worst, I can honestly report that it wasn’t that bad, so far as these things go. I can’t remember that much about the procedure except that I know I was awake for it in the beginning (not sure for how much), but being the overly curious guy that I am, I kept asking questions about what was happening and I was laughing a lot (the gas is clearly appropriately named), so they put me under. I remember one moment being moderately aware of my surroundings and trying to convince the surgeon and nurse that it was imperative that I be given my teeth back as a souvenir and the next being woken up and told it was all over. I also know that at some point I told them we couldn’t continue without proper introductions and I wanted to shake each of their hands and tell them my name – even though they clearly knew who I was already (at that point, I had already been strapped in the chair, with the IV in and that gas mask thing on my nose, and they’d begin doing things in my mouth.) So it was quite the little adventure.

Recovery hasn’t been so bad – so far. There’s some soreness, but I’d say on a general scale of pain, it hurts about as much a muscle after exercising for the first time in awhile. Granted, I am on pain pills (thankfully not Vicodine – I think maybe Codeine), which I take every 4 hours. When I talk for more than about 2 minutes, the pain gradually increases until about 10 minutes into a conversation when I just need to give it up because it hurts. (I do want to thank the people who called today/texted today though – it’s always good to know that people are thinking about you!) My stepmother, who works for a major medical supply company, brought home some really cool face ice pack things that wrap around my head (think Bob Marley in Dickens’ “A Christmas Tale” – which, as an aside, is not the same as “A Christmas Story”, although my sister tried to convince my that it was once during a Trivial Pursuit game. I don’t care what anyone says – they are different movies ENTIRELY, and I feel justified in NOT giving her the piece of pie on that one!).

I haven’t been overly looping for the most part, although it was touch and go for the first couple of hours. I certainly haven’t been in a place where I was coherent enough to keep working on school work throughout the day, but I also wasn’t thinking I was an astronaut or a kitten, or something equally ridiculous. I also haven’t been super drowsy, although the first hour or so after I take a pill usually makes me want to take a nap. The nausea piece of it began to set in around midnight, and has kind of ebbed and flowing, but not yet to the point on vomit, which I appreciate, especially because brushing one’s teeth is a no-no right now. The swelling hasn’t been an issue yet, although the fact that I am writing this less than 24 hours after the surgery (because my father’s house has dial up, I’m prewriting on my laptop and I will post it later) may in the long run give the wrong impression: the recovery guide I was given says the swelling is often worst on the second day, so we shall see.

As for passing the day, I’ve watched the first season and a half of Northern Exposure. Yep. That’s right. The show about the doctor who gets stuck in Alaska. I vaguely remember it from when I was a kid, and it turns out my parents have in on DVD, so that’s what I’ve been watching. I’ve also been eating a ridiculous amount of chocolate pudding because I can’t eat anything solid or anything warm or anything that would mess with the stitches and I can’t take my pills on an empty stomach. And let’s face it – chocolate pudding is absolutely delicious. Although I am staying with my parents (in part because you can’t drive yourself to or from the surgery and in part because Triduum started tonight, even if I’m not taking part in any of the ceremonies), they both worked all afternoon, so I was pretty much home alone. That was possibly the strangest part, because their dog died last weekend, so this is the first time that I can remember being in my father’s house without a dog at all. It’s somewhat surreal to walk around and see of Beau’s stuff – like his bed and his food, etc – and to know that he’s not here. He’d been sick for a very long time (he was blind, had liver issues, etc) and he was 14, so I’d been prepared more or less for about a year for this to happen, but it is clearly taking a toll on my father and stepmother. My stepsister comes home today from school, so we will see how she handles it.

All-in-all the experience hasn’t been that bad. The procedure was easier than getting a filling, though the recovery is definitely longer. But even then, recovering from falling out of bed in 2004 was definitely a more painful process. I will still need to go in again to be checked up early next week, which makes me think I won’t be returning to campus until Monday afternoon, but hopefully I’ll get the all-clear. After I photocopy the letter from the dental surgeon saying the procedure was a success, I’ll FedEx the whole thing to Washington later this afternoon. Hopefully I’ll get my medical clearance by the middle of next week. (Maybe this is all too much information for some of you, but remember, I always said that I was half-writing this for other’s who would eventually be going through the PC process, and not just for family and friends.)

In other extremely highly exciting news, I finally heard from someone with the same invite as I got! Yay! He’s going to be teaching IT as opposed to English, but for the first time I feel like maybe I’m not going this alone. We’ve already set up our Google group, so hopefully there was a whole batch of Cameroon invites sent out when his was. It is so crazy to think that we stage exactly two months from today.

Well, other than just hanging out in bed, tomorrow is the annual family Easter Egg hunt that my Uncle Bob has been putting on for what has to be around 30 years. I’m looking forward to getting to see a lot of people I haven’t seen in awhile. The last time I saw most of my aunts/uncles/cousins was at my Uncle Ken’s birthday party in December, before I knew where I was going. Plus this will be my last chance to see many family members before I leave – the Easter Egg hunt and Christmas Eve are the only two absolute events on the family calendar for which pretty much everyone comes (there are around 75 people in the family).

Well, this entry wasn’t intended to be quite this long, but since there isn’t all that much I can do while lying in bed without internet, it is what it is. I hope that all is well in your neck of the woods.