Well, I'm getting on a plane here in just about 18 hours and I wanted to post my DOS. After this post, I probably won't update again about Peace Corps, but may put up a general: oh hai, please come to my new blog over at HopeMD, type post.

Anyway, here's my last year and a half, condensed into two pages. The official copy is signed by my country director and kept on file on official letterhead. Ooh, official. Oh, and PS. I totally tested into ADVANCED LOW in my last language interview. I was pretty excited to have actually gone up a level since swear-in, especially because I was so worried I'd actually gotten worse! So there ya go, even someone with novice level in the beginning can finish up in advanced. Go me!

Ok, DOS time:

Elaina Hope ________

Description of Service

July 2010-November 2011

REPUBLIC OF BENIN, WEST AFRICA

TRAINING

Pre-Service Learning (July 14 – September 17, 2010)

1 Language (87 hours) Classroom study of French; current level: Advanced Low.

2 Technical Training (118 hours) Overview of Beninese healthcare system, comprehensive training on integrated disease management, maternal health, and infant and child health; 10 hours practice trainings and activities in the community.

3 Cross-Culture (35.15 hours) Discussion on Beninese history, geography and, traditions; professional and social culturally appropriate behavior and communication.

4 Health (22.5 hours) First aid, preventive and symptom oriented medical procedure, diagnosis and treatment.

5 Safety and Security (8.5 hours) Instruction on safety practices in Benin and ways to stay secure at post as well as incident reporting procedures.

In-Service Training (December 2010): An intensive two week training that reviewed strategies for community assessment, funding streams, and provided and introduction to promoting behavior change. Instruction also focused on PD Hearth, a nutritional recuperation program and Life Skills, a Peace Corps resource designed to promote communication skills that will enable healthy decision making.

In-Service Training (May 2011): A five-day training on community mobilization for malaria prevention and organizing populations to become health resources and leaders in their community.

PRIMARY PROJECT: RURAL COMMUNITY HEALTH PROGRAM (RCH)

Population Services International (September 2010-November 2011): Worked primarily with the office of PSI-Djougou assisting the communications director with social marketing and health education programming in the regions of the Atacora and Donga. Assisted with the smooth operation of the office and compiled monthly reports and tracking of impacts on the community in the areas of reproductive health and HIV/AIDS peer education trainings. Accompanied PSI on regional formations, assisting with logistics and documentation of activities and progress as well as the synthesis of gathered information and reporting. Assisted the office staff with learning English and regularly participated in translations of documents and paperwork.

HIV/AIDS and Reproductive Health (October 2010-November 2011): Assisted nurses midwives with the placing of contraceptive devices such as upper arm contraception implants, sexual health consultations, and HIV/AIDS testing and counseling. Participated in discussions of healthy relationships and sexual behavior with community women including condom demonstrations and other family planning options.

Vaccination and Baby Weighing (January 2011): Participated in the facilitation of discussions with community women about healthy nutrition for their newborns and children during baby weighing sessions and weekly vaccinations. Helped nurses and health workers track infants’ progress on growth charts and described healthy meals and options to mothers as well as information about exclusive breastfeeding and malaria prevention.

Pre-Natal Consultation Assistance (September-November 2010): Assisted with Pre-Natal consultation at the maternity center with procedures in conjunction with health workers.

SECONDARY PROJECTS/ACTIVITIES

Peace Corps Volunteer Discussion Day (October 2011): Spent the day talking to high school students in the United States while on vacation, discussing cultural life and development work in Benin and answering questions about the application process, life abroad, and social media while in the Peace Corps.

Running Club (October 2010-September 2011): Had semi-weekly informal running sessions with local kids and adolescents and talked about the importance of regular exercise and nutrition.

English Instruction (March-September 2011): Provided informal lessons of English language instruction with community members and colleagues.

Science, Engineering, and Entrepreneurial Camp (August 2011): Acted as the lead science instructor for a two week course of 60 middle school aged kids. Discussed theory and practice of basic science concepts and designed and implemented several science projects (water rocket, solar water distillation, terrarium, science of sound). Assisted kids with the presentation skills necessary to inform and recreate the projects on their own and oversaw the final community science fair.

Camp GLOW Bohicon (July 2011): Participated in five day empowerment camp for girls as a camp counselor. Facilitated sexual and reproductive health sessions and assisted with the smooth operation of the camp.

Camp Success Djougou (June 2011): Invited girls to participate in the week long girls’ empowerment camp and was a logistics coordinator during the week. Developed and facilitated several sessions, including life skills and women’s rights. Designed sexual and reproductive health sessions and assisted a local midwife with answering questions. Maintained copies and information of projects and progress for sustainability and posterity of future girls’ camps in the region.

It's been fun! I'll miss you all, but be sure to check out my new, med school adventures blog, HopeMD, on wordpress. Thanks everyone!

I have just under 24 hours left in Benin and I've been thinking a lot about my time here over the last year and a half and what I've really come to love and those things that really drive me crazy. I don't know if I'll miss all these things right away or if it'll take months or even years for me to have a craving for something on the list, but who knows? Here it is, my two lists. Warning, it's pretty long.

Things I’ll miss about Benin:

-the sound of women pounding yams at dusk

-the five times per day call to prayer at the mosques around Djougou

-the sound of the rain on my tin roof while I’m laying in bed

-riding on the back of a zem at night with the cool air rushing by

-seeing and wearing colorful fabric and fun outfits everywhere

-women carrying baskets of whatever on their heads

-cute, free roaming, bratty Beninese kids (even though they annoy me, too!)

-adorable baby goats and chickens running around

-yam pilee…sooooo delicious

-wagasi…there are no words for how awesome and unique this food is

-a cold, refreshing beer after a crazy hot day, especially with other PCVs

-hanging out and venting with other volunteers

-the excitement of making American food and drinks with other volunteers

-watching movies at the Nati workstation

-ordering fries at the Nati workstation

-hanging out with my Beninese friends, just sitting or making small talk

-teaching sexual health and seeing the look of understanding in people’s eyes

-greeting strangers on the street

-French, especially Franglais, the combination of French and English

-random sayings like ‘bon assise, bon travail, bon douche.’ It’s just so friendly!

-constant sunshine and feeling like summer (although Chaleur sucks)

-Zaari and cuddling with her…omg, I can’t even think about her, too sad!

-sitting out in my back porch at night smoking a cigarette and looking up at the stars in total silence, feeling small and awed by the world and my place in it

-long runs in the African bush, the red dirt dusting my shoes

-mango season

-joking around with my work partners

-the camaraderie between volunteers and shared experience of living in Africa

-being the center of attention, someone always interesting and worth talking to

-inexpensive and simple living

-lizards running around like squirrels

-the colorful craziness of the market place

-the awesome tan lines on my feet from my Chacos

-the simple joy of eating a good meal and watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother

-the excitement of others when I speak Dendi, the local language

-not having to shave and just being a dirty hippie

-Harmattan, the windy season, and the fires late into the night, burning on the horizon

-the poignancy of the first, cooling rain of the season

-feeling like I’m making a difference in people’s lives, sometimes in unintended ways

-crazy, unexpected setbacks and the lessons learned (although it is very frustrating, too!)

-feeling like I’m part of something bigger than myself

Things I won’t miss about Benin:

-13 hour bus rides in the heat surrounded by BO and noisy chickens and babies

-constant sexual harassment

-extreme pollution and trash everywhere

-Chaleur, the hot season

-frequent power outages and water being cut

-screaming babies and children

-seeing kids get beat and generally abused

-seeing malnutrition and poverty related illness

-feeling ultimately useless in the big picture of development

-waking up hot and sweaty and gross

-always feeling dirty, never perfectly clean all over

-not being able to cool off or stop sweating after a run even hours after a cold shower

-having my privacy constantly invaded by neighbors and kids

-never being able to be anonymous or walk around without getting called out

-YOVO, YOVO, BONSOIR, CA VA BIEN, MERCI!

-getting called "yovo", "batoure", "anasara", "blanche", "blondie", or "mademoiselle"

-pretty much everything in Cotonou except for the good food and workstation internet

-the subtle pressure from some other volunteers to drink and party heavily

-feeling inadequate as a volunteer and aid worker

-boring and carb heavy food options

-constant sickness and diarrhea and constipation

-having to filter water and always be conscious of how safe the water is

-bleaching vegetables to have a fresh salad

-doing laundry by hand

-bugs and spiders and having to spray and kill them

-mosquitoes and weekly malaria prophylaxis

-constant boredom

-missing friends and family and feeling guilty for being so far away

-LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP and all the crappiness that goes with it

-getting physically grabbed at the market place

-the bureaucracy of the Peace Corps

-feeling stranded at post or frustrated with outside communication or internet

-casual cruelty to animals

-the informal attitude toward time and keeping appointments

-hearing creepy rustling sounds at night and freaking out about what it could be

-sunburns and worrying about getting skin cancer

-gross, always dirty and cracked feet

-fearing for my safety on crazy taxi rides

-being frustrated at the slow pace of life (although I’ve learned a lot, too!)

-having to discuter for prices

-feeling lonely and homesick

-being constantly asked for gifts and money and to be taken to America

-Nescafe. That stuff is nasty. I don’t care how desperate you are. Just say no.

Oh, Benin. It's been life changing and amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But I am ready for a change! I'm not sure if I'll be back on this blog except to post my DOS, but if you'd like, you can keep following my life journey, here at my medical school blog on wordpress.

Keep on rocking!

Elaina

I said in my last post that the PC administration doesn't make it difficult to early terminate. Well, after finishing up a couple days of processing down in the capital, I'm realizing that they don't exactly make it easy either.

The ET manual closely resembles the Close of Service (COS) one and because I have spent so much time here, most of my process resembles a COS more than it does an ET for someone who has only been in country a few months or never made it to their post or something. I must meet with almost every PC administration person, get many forms filled out and there is a master checklist that I must get signed before I meet with the administrative officer (AO). I have written a Description of Service (DOS, which I'll post here in a follow-up post), and filled out my official resignation form, and had my close of service medical exam (although I still have to talk with the PCMO about my smoking and get my TB test read...fun stuff haha). I have officially turned in all my Peace Corps stuff (mattress, gas cans, etc) and assigned books (Where There Is No Doctor, Helping Health Workers Learn and many many others), and I need to also go to the bank headquarters and close out my account (which involves a letter and basically taking out all the money left in the account). Essentially most of the things remaining that I have to do are administrative things and talking to the Country Director (CD) and the AO and having my final language interview (scheduled for the morning). I have a couple other errands I need to run in Cotonou and a few loose ends to tie up, but for the most part, I've gotten the majority of the necessary procedures finished.

Right now I'm also waiting on confirmation of my Air France flight information, but if all goes according to plan (and really, how likely is THAT going to be haha), I could theoretically be leaving Benin in the evening on Thursday, the 24th. Which, of course, is THANKSGIVING. I'll be able to have a last meal here with a few other volunteers and say some goodbyes and get a couple photos. I'm planning on wearing my nice bazin tissue, the red marbled pants and top that I wore for the new stage swear-in in September. I'm gonna be cute! Peace Corps will provide a ride to the airport with all my things and if all goes well (meaning no horrible two day delay in Paris grrrr), I could be back in Kansas City by the evening on Friday, the 25th. I won't make it for Thanksgiving, but I'll be home in time for leftovers! Woo hoo!

Ok, that's all I can think of for right now, I'll update with my DOS later on today when I think of it. I was pleasantly surprised after finishing it up. I've felt for a long time that I didn't really do that much work-wise, but then I finished writing the DOS and realized that I may have had more of an impact than I thought. Which is a lovely feeling to have as I'm leaving. Ok, talk to you later!

~Elaina

Well, it's official! I am leaving the Peace Corps a few months early to go home, help my family out, and make some money before medical school. The decision was definitely a tough one and one I analyzed for a long time before calling the Peace Corps to set it up, but ultimately it's the best thing for me and my family right now. Essentially it came down to the fact that I was going to have to ET anyway, probably in April, and why should I wait around for five months, get back into a routine, and be frustrated and miserable when I could make it home for the holidays? The Peace Corps does not make it difficult to early terminate and once it comes down to a need to ET for grad school, a few extra months seem superfluous in the long run. Sure, I feel a little guilty about leaving my projects and work partners behind (and I am close to traumatized about leaving Zaari), but everyone has been very understanding, especially of the fact that in reality, it's only a few months earlier than expected.

The next couple weeks will be spend filling out pages and pages of forms, figuring out packing and getting Zaari to her new home. She will be going to the home of a PC homologue who has many kids who love animals. I will be able to get updates on her through my Djougou post-mate and in the end, staying here is what is best for her (even if it makes me cry at night haha).

The last year and a half has been completely life altering and amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything. It had its ups and downs, but doesn't life? Overall, I was happy and feel like I've both done some amazing work here and made many lasting friendships (cue cheesy music now). I'll miss a lot of people, but I would have been saying good-bye in a few months anyway, so I guess it's just ripping off the bandaid early.

All that sad stuff said, I am so incredibly excited to be going home! I'm looking for jobs in tutoring, being a nanny or long-term babysitter, or working as a receptionist at a medical office. I've already applied to over 20 jobs and hopefully I'll start to hear back soon. Apparently moving is sort of expensive...as is getting married and starting a household...(who knew? haha) so I'll be trying to save up as much as possible in the next few months before the wedding and med school.

I also just want to say that there have many times when I've wanted to leave, usually for very emotional reasons not backed by real logical ones. I've missed America and my family and Colt, but I've held out because I'm strong and determined and have never been someone to quit something just because it was hard. While ETing now does indeed solve some of those feelings (completely normal feelings that almost every PCV deals with on occasion), me leaving now is not due to emotional reasons. Right now it's about logic and finances and being a part of my family. Once I reached this point of clarity in thinking about my options, it actually wasn't that stressful of a decision. Ultimately, I'm not upset or struggling with the choice because I've put in enough time for me, personally, to feel accomplished and satisfied with my work and life here. Before I was always worried about regretting the choice later in life, which was a major deterrent to leaving. But now, at this point, with only a few months left, I know that I will have no regrets, only good memories! It helps that everyone I've talked to is supportive and in no way do I feel like a quitter. I loved it here and feel like I'm ending things on a good note at a good time for me.

Benin, it's been real. Stay classy,

Elaina

PS. I'll probably be back on to give a few ET updates for interested people and I may update again once I'm permanently back in the states. I can't believe this blog is ending! It's been such a big thing in my life for a long time now and it's going to be weird. I'll link my new, med school blog here and again in my final post. Yay, for turning the page!

"I am working in Paris. I cannot for a single day get the thought out of my head that there probably exists something essential, some immutable reality, and now that I have lost everything else (thank God, it gets lost all on its own) I am trying to preserve this and, what is more, not to be content. In a word: I am working."
-Chagall

I wish I was working. I'm really just trying to not fall asleep or starve to death. See...my flight back to Benin was cancelled and rescheduled for tomorrow. But I didn't KNOW that until I arrived here in Paris. And since they made the cancellation long enough ago (like anytime before today apparently), they won't give me a hotel room. And since I decided that because I was going back to Africa and didn't need my American money and thus gave it to Colt in the Kansas City airport...I officially have no money and I'm stranded in the Paris airport...until tomorrow. And I'm hungry. But wait. I have no money for food! AHHH. It's like survivor. I seriously don't even know where I'm going to sleep. Probably in a metal chair.

Lucky for me, the McDonald's has free wifi. Unlucky for me, my computer battery is slowly dying and my wall charger doesn't fit the freaky french plug ins. Also unlucky for me, I'm about to pass out from jetlagged induced exhaustion and seriously have no idea where I'll go. It's not like it matters if I go back through security or not any time soon since most people getting on this flight won't even arrive to the airport for another like 22 hours.

I did walk outside into the Parisian air expecting a moment of awe or something. Mostly it was just cold and the ground was littered with cigarette butts. So I came back in to McDonald's...where I don't have any money for food, but at least the ole golden arches remind me of home.

Here goes another round of this whole across the ocean, Peace Corps thing. My heart is already aching but at least I'm too tired to cry anymore.

Elaina

PS. I got accepted to the University of Kansas School of Medicine! I got the letter last week and jumped around like a crazy person for a while. I'm gonna be a doctor!!!!!

PPS. This fact makes finishing up these last few Peace Corps months very difficult. It's like senioritis with a long distance relationship. Not a good combo.

PPPS. I totally forgot to bring back Thanksgiving food stuff. I was really excited about being about to make pumpkin pie. Fail.

So I'm leaving in five days for my trip to America. I'll be visiting 5 different med schools, giving Peace Corps talks, eating American foods, and going on dates. I am unbelievably excited about this trip! Before I go I have to get my house keys copied for my new post mates, find 6 weeks worth of food for Zaari, pack, and clean my house.

The last few weeks here have gone by incredibly fast. I lead the science classroom at an art and science camp, helped talk about and put in contraception devices, talked about HIV/AIDS and helped with testing, did end of the month reports, went to the swear-in of the new volunteers, made untold numbers of cakes and pies and cookies, discovered that I'm not as gluten sensitive as I thought, got my wedding venues booked, changed my wedding colors, changed my wedding colors again, planned my new tattoo, red like four thousand books, watched Avatar a hundred times, fretted over med school application stuff, found out my stepmom is pregnant with a baby girl, said good-bye to sooo many volunteer friends ETing and COSing, lost 20 pounds, became vegan and gave it up, tried again, gave up smoking, wrote four chapters, learned more Dendi, and planned my first date night out in Kansas for the 30th. It's been a whirlwind.

Anyway, I'm so ready to go home for a while and just take a break from Benin. I also have a lot of work to do while I'm home but I have no doubt that I'll thoroughly enjoy myself as well. I'm really worried this time about reverse culture shock, but I think I'll be happy enough after a couple days. Pizza? Movies? Air-conditioned gyms? Yeah, I think I'll do just fine.

My standing fan is broken and I am sweating in my hot little house as I finish the movie. I’m frustrated and itching for a cigarette. I’m thinking about tomorrow and the early trip I am taking to the regional workstation where I know I have a package from America waiting for me. I am planning my vacation, thinking about dinner tomorrow night, thinking about anything other than where I am right now, bored and alone in my hot, airless house.

I step outside as the credits start and I shut off my computer. I rummage through my purse until I find the battered box of local cigarettes with the inked label “last pack ever” across the lid. I sit in my bamboo chair and strike a match, my cat following me out the screen door to catch bugs in the florescent glow of my back porch light. I smoke there and notice the silence that has fallen in my neighborhood. All I can hear are the cicadas and the whirring of my small refrigerator fan, and the occasional moto engine in the distance. I’ve missed the sounds of the women pounding yams, or the children playing soccer with an old deflated tennis ball. Even the mosque is quiet, the evening call to prayer not even a whisper on the wind.

And there is a breeze out here, I realize. Once I step outside my cement house the cool air hits me and I wrap my pagne around myself a little tighter, enjoying the cool feeling, knowing that I’ll be sleeping soon without the comforts of a fan, wishing a had a hundred of them. I decide I want to travel to exotic places when my service here is over. I want to be a world traveler. I think about that for a while, filling my passport with stamps, taking trips with my lover, leaving the hypothetical kids at home. Mommy and Daddy trips, we’ll call them. We’ll eat local foods and learn local language. I think about those days in the future while I finish my cigarette.

I’m not ready to go inside yet. For some reason I feel like I’m missing something out here and as the winds shift I understand what that is. I am here right now. I am living here. I live in Africa. I live in Africa. Instead of berating myself for not living in the moment, I just stop thinking and listen to that silence. I watch Zaari as she intently stalks a carpenter ant and I really see her in this moment. I don’t think about the future, or my trips, or how hot I’ll be sleeping under my mosquito net tonight. I even manage to not try to guess what’s waiting for me in my American package. I just let myself go as silent as the night, and empty everything else in my life. I close my eyes and take a deep breath and find that quite unexpectedly, I am happy. I drink it in, feeling the world as simply a part of my happiness, as part of the love that I have for myself, for Zaari, for that carpenter ant.

It doesn’t last very long and soon I am wondering if there are Oreos waiting for me tomorrow and debating whether or not I should order French fries for dinner. I set my watch for three minutes and decide to meditate. I know I should get back into the habit and I’ve always felt centered after doing so. I cross my legs over the bamboo armrests and close my eyes again, forgetting the time, forgetting dinner, clearing everything away but my smile and the love I feel for the whole world. I think of myself as a small island with all the stress and frustrations swirling around me and disappearing into the earth through the legs of my chair. I breath deeply and every time my mind wanders I gently bring myself back to the center of myself, my island of calm and peace. When my watch beeps I am genuinely surprised. It had felt like 30 seconds, like I had just begun to find that peace. I stand and stretch, the pagne falling to my feet. I am here, in this moment under the African sky. I will not be shaken; we are all as one. I take another deep breath for good measure and decide to take a quick bucket shower to rinse off before climbing into bed for the night.

As I step over to my shower I see a small spider is floating at waist level, diligently building a web in the evening glow. I watch her work with a small smile on my lips. Typically freaked out by spiders I am impressed with my own calm, a direct result of my awesome meditation and powers of living in the moment, I think. She is, however, blocking my entrance to my shower. I wiggle my finger in the space around her, thinking I guess of lifting her web and depositing her elsewhere so that I can cool off in the water and go to bed in peace. Instead of just allowing me to move her, however, the spider rapidly climbs up the web and onto my hand. Immediately my calm peaceful meditation mindset vanishes and I am totally freaking out, wiping my hands together, jumping up and down, heart beat racing, praying that the damn thing is dead and not crawling over my naked skin burrowing in to lay her freaky baby spider eggs.

As my heart slows and I am sure that I am not the future host for a hundred spider babies, I start to laugh. Quiet at first and then full out cracking up. I actually have to lay my hand against the wall to steady myself (after making sure there are no bugs of course). I laugh for longer than I meditated, until my eyes are tearing up and I’m sure that nothing makes any sense anymore at all and that’s okay. I don’t have to be a balanced work of art, I can be a messy finger painting. I don’t think I could live in the moment, every moment even if I really wanted to and devoted my entire life to it. I need to plan, I need to think about the future, tomorrow, my vacations, my trips, my package from America with the possible Oreos. That’s who I am and that’s really alright, too.

I pour a couple of bowls of cool water over my back and smile, loving the cold chill of the simplicity of it, loving my body, myself. I close my eyes and rinse off the day, the stresses and frustrations, the heat, and I am content. As I step out and pick up my fallen wrap I realize that I had just spent the last few minutes living in the moment without even trying, just actually being and experiencing life. I grin to myself as I shut my screen door and put Zaari to bed.

As I climb under my mosquito net I decide that I might spend the entire night feeling too hot, wishing I had a fan, wishing I was somewhere else, but that when it really counts I can find my own inner peace, too. And that knowledge is worth a hundred fans.

So we just finished up camp GLOW (Girls Leading Our World) in Bohicon. The Wiricks ran it and it was beautiful. I feel for the first time in a year that I can actually see the difference I'm making in people's lives here. I mean, my group, the red team, was just absolutely inspiring. My mind was blown in a totally awesome way. I'll just let the photos speak for themselves.

It was amazing and I got so close to my girls. I miss them now! They were so smart and motivated to change the world and be feminists! <3

I got my first med school rejection...and then I got rejected at my dream school, the University of Chicago. So...in order to cheer myself up, I needed to make a cupcake. So I did. A delicious, gluten free peanut and coconut cupcake with chilled brown sugar coconut icing.

classy in the old tomato paste can...but so fluffy!

delicious and gluten free!

before the frosting...crumbly but amazingprobably the best thing I've tasted since America

So there ya go. Life is good despite the med school rejection...which is totally lame but I'm over it. The science camp is in a few weeks and I'm starting to get excited about it. I get my own team again and am running a terrarium project and a solar cooker project. We'll see how it goes. I'm also making gluten free snickerdoodle cookies tonight at the Nati workstation. WHATUP.

Hey all. I've changed my address so if you want to send me a package or some mail, this new one will get it to me faster. In the past, all mail went to the capital and then Peace Corps picked it up and sent it up to Nati on the shuttle. Nowadays we only have a shuttle coming up once a month and I rarely go down to Cotonou anymore...so it just makes more sense to get the letters/packages full of amazing awesome goodies (HINT HINT)/birthday presents (HINT HINT SEND NOW IF YOU WANT ME TO GET IT IN TIME) directly sent to the Nati workstation.

Elaina ________ PCV

Corps de la paix americain

BP 168

Natitingou, Benin

Afrique de l'Ouest

Ok, now everyone send me goodies! Gluten free of course :) Check out my wishlist for updates (I just typed "upcakes" haha...I wish!)

Yeah, that title is ridiculous...but very descriptive of this entry!

First thing's first. I am decidedly gluten sensitive. I have experimented quite a bit with eliminating gluten products from my diet and found that all the symptoms I'd always thought were singularly lactose intolerance are linked with gluten intolerance as well. It's mild, but causes me a lot of discomfort. In the last month or two I've reduced and almost eliminated all gluten from my diet; those moments when I slip have been very noticeable. All in all, this is not that difficult to do here and basically just means I no longer eat bread, pasta or couscous. I still get plenty of yams, rice, potatoes, beans, and oats. People with Celiac Disease or high sensitivity to gluten should probably avoid oats, but I've never had trouble with them. Basically I'm going gluten free, or as close to it as I can. I just feel better all around. To celebrate, I made amazing, easy gluten-free peanut butter cookies in my dutch oven:

AHH, they were amazing and I couldn't even tell they were made without flour. One awesome thing about going gluten free here is the easy abundance of soy products. I can get tofu and awesome soy flour that basically can serve as a wheat flour substitute. These cookies have egg in them and I'm trying to be a good vegan, but that is definitely tricky here. In America, I'm going full out vegan, but for now, I'm just avoiding dairy, cheese, eggs and transitioning a bit.

Going vegan for me is just going to be a great way to feel more connected to the Earth, to my particular brand of spirituality and philosophy, and to be healthy in a way that ecologically and economically impacts our planet and the animals in it. I don't know if I'll be vegan forever, but I think this time I'm really serious about it. When I get back to America for good next year I'll be scoping out those cheese substitutes hardcore!

Switching gears, we just finished up with Camp Sucess up here in Djougou. We had 60 girls from all over the Donga region and we spent the week talking about empowerment, sexual health, healthy relationships, self-esteem, staying in school and not getting pregnant.

It was great to see the girls making plans and becoming friends. I spent a lot of the week doing general help, running all over Djougou getting supplies and making sure everything ran smoothly. I also had my fair share of time with the girls and really enjoyed getting my hair done and dancing late into the night! My session was the sexual health one and I had a local midwife nurse from the health center come and talk to the girls about what sex is and how pregnancy happens...and how to avoid it! It went really well and I know they learned so much. I laughed more and was impacted more as a volunteer in Africa than I have been up to now. Camp was hands down the best and most moving experience of my time in Africa so far.

doesn't Jared look adorable?

Anyway, immediately after camp let out, many volunteers met up in Djougou for the fourth of July celebratory weekend. The weekend included a huge soccer match against the Germans, an American football match (I scored a touchdown!), lots of beer, freestyle rapping, and an awesome rainbow.Team America and Team Germany all together in harmony after the big USA win (1-0, my postie, Doug, scored the winning goal!)

This is a tiny sack filled with honey flavored sodabe, African moonshine.

Doug eating a victory meal of pate blanche, sauce des legumes, and a cold beer

This rainbow circled the sun during the afternoon of the American football match

Post BBQ and post busting out some 4th of July themed rap fireworks.

I can't believe I've been here a year (well, in about a week). The new stage has arrived already and are all cozied up in their host families' houses. I've scheduled my mid-service medical exam for September, and am at the point where I can plan out my work for the rest of the year. I'm not really sure what I'll be doing after January, but until that point I actually have a lot going on!

Time has flown by a lot faster than I would have thought. And everyone says the next year goes by even faster. We've got some more ETs coming up, two people that I know of. That puts our total at fourteen people out of our original 59. At this point they said that it would be 20%. I didn't believe it then, but here we are, one year later. A year ago the idea of ETing was just terrifying, something that only people who couldn't cut it did...now, I see that each instance is very specific, very unique to that person. It isn't always a clear cut "oh, Africa/Peace Corps wasn't right for them" or even that it wasn't right for them "right now." Sometimes it just is right for a certain amount of time and then it's not anymore...things change, especially work situations. I can understand that. Who knows what the future will bring for the rest of us? A year is a long time...even if it passes by quickly!

Here's to us! We did it!

I don't really like that word "blogosphere," but I suppose that's what this world is, a little sphere. I know that right now, while I'm specifically blogging about Peace Corps life, is the time when I will probably have the most followers, the most people who regularly read my thoughts about life. It's interesting to know that the scope of this blog has gotten pretty wide. In a lot of ways, that's exactly what I wanted. I wanted to share my experiences with the rest of the world. In other ways, though, it's a bit nerve wracking. Clearly, the powers that be ARE paying attention to what we write, and the idea of censorship just makes me feel pretty icky all over. Because I'm applying to med school right now, I don't want to mess with it, though. Part of me definitely feels that if the Peace Corps thinks something on my blog is inappropriate, med schools would probably agree, and so ultimately it's only a good thing that I am censoring myself, even if it came about through third party censorship. So really, in the long run, no harm done.

And the point of all that was to say: I'm not going anywhere! I'll stop the cursing and maybe think twice about posting negative thoughts, but other than that, I'm sticking around. I still have a lot of time left and a lot of things still to say about the Peace Corps, about Africa, about Benin, and about my life. And I know y'all are still listening, so thank you.

I'm updating my wish list to include more vegan, gluten-free items (more on that later...with a recipe and pictures!), and I'll be posting a few entries today and working on med school applications all day. I'm in Cotonou, just living it up. I live in Africa, man. And life is good.

I was just asked to remove blog content. Ironically, it was nothing political, but profanity. I am very upset that anyone would think me unprofessional and apologize to anyone I offended by posting my unedited thoughts. I assure you all that I am nothing but professional in practice in my work here and all frustrations are, of course, handled in appropriate ways.

I highly doubt I will be posting often during the second year of my service. I have been effectively scared off. It's unfortunate; I really did consider my blog to be one of the best ways of fulfilling the third goal. I'll be on every now and again with very generic updates, but i doubt the blog will be as free in the future. I'm also deleting my twitter. I have never considered anything I've posted there to be off putting, but I didn't think anything here was, either. I have too much on the line right now to risk it.

So I hope you've enjoyed the blog! I can't believe it's been a year.

Here in Benin, I find myself thinking a lot about food, nutrition, and weight from both a biological and sociological perspective. Many people here don’t have healthy food options or are malnourished due to simple lack of food. It’s quite common to see people who are skeletally thin (marasmus), people who are bloated from lack of protein (kwashiorkor), and people who are just fat from a diet high in carbohydrates. A lot of this range is typical for developing countries. Carbohydrates play a key role as staple food items, eaten with every meal to fill the stomach. They are typically cheap and easy to prepare and gives a feeling a fullness without adding much nutritional value. Here the staples are pâte (“blanc“, “noir“, or “rouge” made with corn meal, yam skins or corn meal and tomato sauce), yam pilée (boiled and smashed yams), akassa (fermented pâte), or the remnants of colonialism: rice, spaghetti, or couscous. Of those carbohydrate staples, only couscous has any sort of real protein value, and although the unprocessed, natural staples do have some nutritional value, they are primarily used to simply fill the stomach and curb hunger. With the carb, a meal will usually include a palm oil based sauce made with tomatoes and onions, a vegetable sauce with okra, a sesame based sauce or a peanut sauce with a protein item if it is available: goat, chicken, guinea fowl, or wagasi (traditional cheese). Often times a meal is just a large pile of carbohydrates with a simple sauce when money is too tight for meat. This type of eating after a while leads to obesity and protein deficiencies in children and adults. For the most part, obese or overweight people in Benin do not follow an observable socioeconomic trend. The richer are often overweight just from overeating, the poor from a low quality diet. Mostly, though, obesity is not a nationwide health problem here, but a symptom of malnutrition in general.

Thinking about these things, I started wondering what was going on in the US. Right now in the United States, obesity has reached epidemic proportions. Over 65% of American adults and 16% of children are considered overweight or obese (having a Body Mass Index of 25 kg/m2 or higher) and it’s only getting worse with processed sugars, oils, and sugar sodas and beverages. It is estimated that by 2015, 41% of all Americans will be obese (BMI over 30 kg/m2). Clearly this is an important issue, and one that is much broader than the scope of my little blog post today, but it got me thinking about the medical science behind obesity, hunger, and satiety. So I pulled out my handy dandy pathophysiology textbook, The Pathologic Basis of Disease by Robbins and Cotran, and turned to Chapter 9: Environmental and Nutritional Diseases. I wanted to find out what makes some people fat and some people thin and how we can, as a nation and as individuals, work toward curbing the obesity epidemic and keep ourselves healthy.

First off I read about what exactly the problem with fat really is. We all know that obesity can lead to higher levels of cardiovascular disease, hypertension, and type 2 diabetes. Obesity has also been strongly correlated with rates of cancer in both men and women, as well as breathing problems and liver disease. All of these risks are increased if the fat is primarily stored in the middle of the body, around the midsection in the mesentery and around viscera in the abdominal cavity. I believe that modern medicine, and current scientific research clearly indicate that being overweight is a health risk. There are also many social pressures to be thin and the interplay between health and society with weight issues is an interesting one, but not what I want to talk about right now. Right now, I want to know what’s going on with the biochemical pathways that lead to obesity and why some people are fat and others thin.

At its most basic level, obesity is a “disease of caloric imbalance that results from an excess intake of calories above their consumption by the body” (439). A person is fat if they’ve consistently eaten more calories than they’ve burned off. It really is that simple. Of course, the pathogenesis of obesity is incredibly complex and not totally understood yet. Hunger, satiety, the urge to eat and to stop eating, metabolic pathways and mechanisms are all things that need ongoing research. It is clear that genetics, environmental signals, nutritional factors, and psychological signals all go into the triggering of the metabolic response and that it is a complex system based on many different interactions. However, obviously obesity would not occur without the intake of food.

The mechanisms that regulate energy balance can be separated into three parts: the peripheral or afferent system, the arcuate nucleus in the hypothalamus, and the efferent system. The afferent system generates signals from various site such as LEPTIN and ADIPONECTIN produced from fat cells, GHRELIN by the stomach, PEPTIDE YY (PYY) from the intestines, and INSULIN from the pancreas. The hypothalamus processes and integrates these signals and generates efferent signals. The efferent system carries the signals from the hypothalamus to control food intake and energy expenditure.

I want to talk about a few of the afferent components that regulate appetite and satiety: leptin, adiponectin, and gut hormones. Stick with me, this is cool stuff.

LEPTIN. The name leptin comes from the Greek word “leptos”, meaning “thin.” It is a hormone synthesized by fat calls and is a product of the ob gene. The leptin receptor is the product of the diabetes gene and belongs to the same family of receptors as IL-2 and other cytokine receptors. Mice deficient in either leptin (ob/ob mice) or leptin receptors (db/db mice) overeat and gain weight because they don’t sense their fat stores and behave as if they were starving (439). Leptin levels are regulated by multiple post-transcriptional mechanisms. In the hypothalamus, leptin causes the secretion of anorexigenic neuropeptides and inhibits neurons that cause feeding-inducing (orexigenic) neuropeptides. Basically leptin makes you feel full. In people with stable weight, these factors are all in balance. In someone with inadequate stores of body fat, however, leptin secretion is diminished and food intake increases.

Loss of function mutations in the leptin pathway in people are extremely rare. Some individuals (5% of massively obese people) could have problems with the receptors that sense the anorexigenic signals (the sense of feeling full) and would continue to overeat as if undernourished. These conditions are rare, but it’s been proposed that problems with the pathway could be associated with more common forms of obesity such as leptin resistance, rather than deficiency. Another way leptin works is to stimulate physical activity, heat production, and energy expenditure (440).

ADIPONECTIN. This hormone is produced by adipocytes and directs fatty acids to muscle for oxidation. It causes an increase in insulin sensitivity and has most receptors in skeletal muscle. Adiponectin has been called a “fat-burning molecule” and the “guardian angel against obesity” and when injected into mice, it causes a significant decrease in fat mass.

The total number of adipocytes is established during childhood and adolescence and cannot be changed in adulthood. Fat people have more fat calls than lean people. People can gain and lose weight by increasing or decreasing the size of existing adipocytes, but the number is predetermined. Trying to keep weight off is difficult because of a lack of a decrease in the number of adipocytes as well as an enhanced appetite caused by leptin deficiency.

GUT HORMONES. There are several hormones produced in the stomach, intestines, and pancreas. One of the most interesting is ghrelin. It is the only known gut hormone that increases food intake (orexigenic effect). If injected into mice, they eat voraciously, causing weight gain through increased caloric intake and reduced energy expenditure. Ghrelin levels rise before meals and fall 1 to 2 hours after eating. Interesting to note is that in obese and overweight people, the postprandial suppression of ghrelin is weakened which maintains the obesity through continued eating.

PYY is secreted from endocrine cells in the ileum and colon and levels of this hormone are low during fasting and increase after food intake. PYY levels increase after gastric bypass surgery and if injected, energy intake decreases. There is research going on now to use PYY as a treatment for obesity. Amylin, a peptide secreted from the pancreas with insulin that reduces food intake and weight gain, is also being evaluated as a drug for obesity. Both of these hormones act by triggering the hypothalamus to reduce food intake.

All of these factors work together to control hunger and satiety. Knowing what we know now, what can we do to prevent obesity and the risks that come with it? To a certain extent, how much lectin, how much adiponectin, and all those other hormones are predetermined by your diet as a child and genetics. You can keep your weight low, but if you have a lot of adipocytes and are naturally heavier, it’s going to be more difficult to regulate your weight. I’m pretty sure I fall into this category, and maintaining my weight in a healthy range is very important to me for both health and societal reasons.

Diabetes, cancer, hypertension, atherosclerosis, and cardiovascular disease all run in my family and there is indeed a correlation with high body fat content. Knowing how to eat and how much to eat is necessary for both my weight and credibility as a future physician. Eating a healthy diet of high fiber and low animal fat can help prevent colon cancer. Avoiding nitrosamines and nitrosamides from preservatives in meats can protect from gastric carcinomas, and just generally eating a healthy diet rich in veggies, whole grains, fruits, complex carbohydrates, healthy oils, and low in salt can help protect against cancers and heart disease.

Another thought is the idea of calorie restriction. It has been shown convincingly that caloric restriction decreases the incidence of many diseases and increases the lifespan in experimental animals. The particulars are not completely understood but it is thought to be related to lowering of insulin and IGF-1 levels and increased activation of sirtuins, proteins that promote metabolic activity and longevity (also associated with red wine, yay!). With a calorie restricted diet, animals live longer due to less oxidation and thus telomere breakdown and have a greater resistance to carcinogenesis and lower cholesterol levels. Most obviously, a restricted diet leads to weight loss and thus protection against many risk factors associated with obesity.

After doing all this research, I’ve decided that one of the best ways to stay healthy is to maintain a weight between BMI 18 kg/m2 and 24 kg/m2. I know BMI is not a perfect measurement, but for now, it’s the best we’ve got. Of course you can still be unhealthy within that range, and of course there are some people who can maintain health outside of that range, but in general, it’s a good indication of an appropriate weight to decrease risk factors associated with obesity and being overweight. In addition to maintaining a healthy weight, a low calorie diet with healthy foods seems to be a good option. Lots of fiber, healthy proteins, complex carbohydrates (limited pâte or yam pilée!), and lots of fruits and vegetables is a good solution. And as always, exercise. Several times a week for at least half an hour, up to 60 minutes when possible, your heart rate should be significantly elevated. This is such a simple thing that so many Americans, both obese and normal range weight, just don’t do enough. Exercise increases endorphins, makes you feel good, keeps your weight low and your figure slim, keeps your heart healthy, and helps stimulates the metabolic pathways. It’s win-win. Eat less, eat healthier, exercise more, and maintain a healthy weight range. Check.

Addressing the national problem is a question that countless physicians are working on. I think public service announcements, frank conversations with primary care doctors and pediatricians, and nutritional guidelines and information are all good starts. The obesity epidemic is complex, so close to issues of race and socioeconomic status, connected to ideals of beauty and worth, value in society and mental health. It’s going to take a lot of effort to really effectively stem the trends and there are a lot of political aspects to the changes that should be proposed. One thing we can all do for posterity is to help make sure our kids have healthy options and to really think about childhood obesity as a major sociological problem. Issues like sugar soda in schools, healthy lunches, sedentary lifestyle changes, and videogames all go into it. We know now that the number of fat cells is determined in childhood and adolescence, and we also know from personal experience and anecdotal evidence that it’s hard to lose weight as an adult if you were fat as a kid. So let’s keep our children within healthy weight ranges by making sure their diets are rich with nutrients and they’re staying active. That way when they grow up they’ll have an easier time staying healthy and avoiding all those risks associated with being overweight or obese.

Like America, Benin has a lot of work to do in curbing both obesity and malnutrition in general. With more and more outside influences like sugar soda, candy, and other processed sugars and starches, developing countries are becoming increasingly at risk for obesity. As a health worker here, I am often talking to people about diet, especially about the importance of eating vegetables and lean protein. Fish is popular here and cheaper than red meat which helps make my job a little easier. It’s tough, though. A lot of the reasoning behind the unhealthy diets here is money, just like it is in the US. I think it’s easy to forget that sometimes, especially when thinking about the United States. But it’s true. To facilitate behavior change, we have to address the problem in a local, community based way. I’m learning that every day here and I know that understanding will be crucial to me as a physician later. It might not be easy, but change starts now. It starts with us. I know I don’t always eat as healthy as I should, especially when I’m in America (Taco Bell anyone?), but I think I’m beginning to see the importance of diet in long term health a little more clearly now that I have all this free time to think about food.

This has been a nerd alert, shared from me to you. So go out there, and use your nerdiness to do some good in the world!

Not much else is going on, just getting ready for the girls' camp at the end of the month! Gotta read up on sexual health knowledge!

Thanks for listening :)

-E

There is little doubt that the Peace Corps is a valued and respected organization. For fifty years, volunteers have impacted the world and served as beacons of American altruism. The organization as a whole has often been above reproach, a legacy of the Kennedy administration, and returned volunteers and currently serving volunteers alike shy away from criticizing the agency that has been such a huge part of their lives. This is starting to change, and rightly so. If the Peace Corps wants to stay relevant for another 50 years, it has a long way to go.

A recent article describes many of the challenges facing the agency and many of the questions that must be answered. In the article, there is reference to Chuck Ludlam and his wife, Paula Hirschoff, two RPCVs who have taken the lead in the Peace Corps reform action. Their 20 point reform plan calls for budgetary reforms and ways to strengthen the organization (including decreasing the alarming 35% ET rate and plans to achieve sustainable first goal results). They and others are also pushing strongly to get PCVs “whistleblower rights” protecting volunteers when they do speak out. This is, of course, an issue very close to home (literally; Kate’s village, Badjoude, is 30 kilometers away from me). Kate’s death was a direct result of Peace Corps administration not respecting her confidentiality and it never should have happened.

Luckily, many of these reform movements are seeing press. The ABC 20/20 episode about Peace Corps scandals has gotten people talking. Ludlam and Hirschoff have continued speaking out, even if controversial, and I know they are working hard, contacting current volunteers and RPCVs to lend support to reform. The Congressional hearings last month about sexual assault changes in the agency are a step in the right direction, but we need more. I happen to have a few ideas on the subject…

What we don’t need is simply more volunteers. Before we worry about expansion, we need to strengthen. We need better development priorities, sustainable project training. We need better qualified volunteers with more experience. We need to make sure that volunteers are safe and protected, even from the Peace Corps itself. We need better systems for volunteers reporting crimes like sexual assault and rape. We need better training and more resources. Absolutely we need better transparency from the agency and hard-hitting evaluations and feedback. The ET rate is too high, red-tape and country specific bureaucracy lead to tension and frustration for volunteers, our role as a development organization has never been really established, and projects are often unsustainable. We need significant reforms on all levels.

One thing specifically would be more financial support for projects. We as volunteers have to raise money for most of our projects. It would be nice if the Peace Corps as an organization could provide funds for specific ideas. For example, our girls’ camp this month was funded entirely by friends and family in the states. This is a major undertaking that has been successful in this area of Benin for five years and makes a clear and distinctive impact on the community. It is a major project for many of us and yet all the financing is external to the Peace Corps. Another idea, one that Ludlam and Hirschoff agree with, is increased collaboration with larger aid organizations. The Peace Corps is not an aid organization, per se. It’s sort of a mini-aid organization with large cultural and community based exchange aspects. If we were partnered up more frequently with bigger organizations, we could be valuable volunteer workers for developmental aid in a more roundabout way. This is basically what I am doing working with PSI, a large American based international NGO. I am, however, one of only two of us in our 60 member training group who actually works with an organization of this magnitude. And I’m still frustrated with my work a lot of the time.

I initially thought my frustration was only due to the general difficulty of working in development aid in Africa, but that’s just not true. I’m frustrated not only because development work is hard, but because the Peace Corps isn’t really a development organization at all! We don’t have the training or resources to really be effective with international development work. We aren’t really even expected to be. Maybe this realization will help me stop beating myself up about not saving the world. I’m just supposed to experience the world. I’m not sure I accept that, though.

I know that a lot of people value the ambiguous nature of the Peace Corps as more of a cultural exchange program than a development program, but personally, I resent it. I wish the Peace Corps would figure out what we’re really supposed to be doing. If we want to shift work more toward a legitimate development program, we would have a lot of changes to make. Things like data collection, selecting more experienced volunteers, and allowing administrators and managers to work for more than five years would help us look more legit. Of course, not everyone wants this. A lot of people still see the Peace Corps as a time for personal growth, learning a new language, becoming a better citizen of the world, and to a certain degree I totally agree with this. I have already been immensely impacted in how I will approach the world and I know I’ve gotten to know my community much better than the workers in more traditional aid agencies do. I have friends here and am really a part of this place. I’m not sure that would be possible if the Peace Corps was more centralized and focused on development. The fact that Volunteers make the agency what they will is a powerful and romantic idea. We do what we need to do without a set-in-stone mission and there’s something wonderful about that, I agree. But what is it that we really need to do in the world? What is our real goal as an organization? Do we want our tax dollars to go to recent college grads on a two year cultural vacation? We need to figure these things out before we can move forward. And it’s not just me that needs to get thinking; this is something Peace Corps Washington needs to decide.

It has been 50 years. It is time to start asking those penetrating questions. We, as volunteers, as returned volunteers and managers inside the administration, have a unique responsibility to speak up. As Hirschoff and Ludlam say:

“Those of us who revere the Peace Corps should take the lead in asking these questions. Those who care the most…should ask the hardest questions. The Peace Corps is an historic and romantic vestige of the values of the 60s and the New Frontier, but that role is not sufficient to explain and justify its role in the 21st Century. The ultimate act of loyalty to the Peace Corps is to ask the tough questions before outsiders do.”

So let’s get crackin’. Once again, I really hope I’m not coming across as an anti-Peace Corps volunteer. I know the administration here has my blog address, but I’m not sure how frequently they stop by. Probably not at all (but just in case…hi, guys!). I don’t think my criticisms can be considered inappropriate content and I’ve never had my blog be mentioned to me by anyone in the administration…yet. But I worry about it sometimes. The fact is, we’re not really protected over here and I’ve heard stories of administrative separations (ad-seps) for online content. Granted, those were usually due to country specific political posts, or wildly disrespectful information about the country or the country’s people, but…the fear is there. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. I won’t be silenced just because I worry about who is listening. I believe I have a right and a responsibility to talk about this stuff, to challenge the organization that I believe in so strongly to become better.

I hope in fifty years there will be someone like me riding around on her hover board (you know, ‘cause it’s the future), making the choice to join a still relevant, still powerful, still life-altering and idealistic Peace Corps. But we have to start now to make that happen.

(otherwise known as the 'easiest job you'll ever hate' but that's for a different entry)

"We're making brownies."

"...the drug filled kind."

Oh, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I'm sitting here in Nati watching TV with Jonny and the Spencers. We've been laughing and plotting. More on the plotting later.

First off, I FINISHED MY MED SCHOOL APPLICATION! I haven't submitted it yet, but all the information is entered in and ready to go for June 1st. I'm so excited to be finished with it. It took about twelve hours to do the whole thing and I spent the last two days up here in Nati to use the good internet to finish it off. I am now officially ready to apply. I'll send it in and wait for secondaries to arrive in July. Woo hoo!

One thing I'm worried about. I've been here two nights already and Zaari is all alone in my house. I know for a fact that she will be hungry today and I feel bad about this. I left her a lot of water and a clean litter box with two days worth of food. As long as I get back tomorrow morning she'll be okay. Sometimes she refuses food for a couple days anyway. But I still feel kind of bad.

But I have to stay in Nati an extra night. Why? Because of dog pizza, the cause of the plotting. We have decided to buy dog meat and create a pizza with this dog meat. It sounds, frankly, a little unappetizing. And there is the whole vegetarian thing to consider. However, I am also down for trying new things and this Peace Corps time is ripe for thinking outside the box. So for most of the afternoon I was torn. Then finally I just decided to go for it. We are right now making the crust for the pizza. I have no idea how it will turn out, but I'll try to get a picture or two up here later. So I'm staying one more night for this spectacle and part of me thinks Zaari would approve.

And I'll just leave you with this gem from It's Always Sunny:

"street rat!"

*cross posted from my medical blog*

7:50am: Ok. Feeling good. Better get moving. Are my neighbors seriously playing Christmas music at full blast in May? Yes, yes they are. I hate the Little Drummer Boy. The only thing worse is Feliz Navidad. Out of bed. Get dressed.

7:55: Stretching. Whoa I can put my whole hand on the ground. I’m like flexible and stuff. Man, I wish I was still sleeping.

8:00: And we’re off! I feel naked in my running shoes, as usual. A few “batouré! batouré!” calls from far off kids and a few “Laina! Laina!” calls from my neighbor kids. That’s nice. I feel pretty good.

8:02: Heading into deeper rural areas, behind the Catholic primary school, toward the east, into the bush. Pass a couple kids on bikes. “Bonjour!” They look at me like I’m crazy. Probably because I’m practically naked in these shorts. Shoulda brought my marathon knee-length leggings with me.

8:04: Oh that smell is disgusting. Rotting trash mixed with feces and animal smells coming from a trash/stagnant water bog. Veer to the right. Oh hi, mama with giant bowl on your head. Please don’t knock me into the valley of death. Kthxbai.

8:05: Take a right, heading east deeper into the bush. “Batouré!” The calls start to fade and I get into the zone. I’m warmed up and at a comfortable pace, probably about a 10 min/mile or so. It’s already balls hot out here. I should have gotten up at 6:30 like I said I was going to. Ugh.

8:08: Moto passes. Please don’t stop and try to hit on me. I’m fairing the sport here! Oh good.

8:10: Passing a house. Two older teenage boys right next to the red dirt road. One says in this ridiculous mocking high pitched voice “BONJOUR CHERIE. TU ES ENTREIN?” and his buddy cracks up. Which is like “Hey, sweetie. You’re in the middle of it, huh?” But it isn’t in a hitting on you voice. It is the making fun of you voice. This makes me want to cut a bitch. I hate it when I get this voice, but I rarely do outside of like Porto Novo. So hearing it now, on my run, is not a pleasant thing. I call out “Why are you talking like that?” in French and they just laugh as I continue on. I mutter obscenities under my breath and soon they are behind me. Just gotta put it out of my head.

8:12: Except I can’t put it out of my head. I think of clever remarks I could have said. What I really wanted to say was “oh yeah, why don’t you come join me and we’ll see who’s in the midst of it when I kick your ASS” but then I realized I would be challenging A TEENAGE AFRICAN BOY. That would be like challenging Tiger Woods to a quick game of golf. Or comparing the number of women we’d slept with. I’d just plain lose.

8:13: Ok, it’s pretty hot. Looking forward to turning around. Getting a quick stretch. The sweat is dripping down my brow. I probably look like I’m crying. Come to a fork in the path. I take the one less traveled. Boo-ya.

8:15: Stop and stretch for a minute. Wonder at the lovely silence. I cannot hear a Beninese person out here. I can definitely hear Beninese animals. But no people. Sigh. Time to head back. Christmas music stuck in my head. I’m sure they’ll have moved on to something else by the time I get back.

8:17: I’m going to sprint for that tree. Get some interval training up in here!

8:18: Nevermind. I just want to not pass out from heatstroke. Start to fantasize about running in America. Air conditioned gym track…Mmmmmmm.

8:19: What am I going to say to those bratty boys when I pass them this time? I think “fuck you!” is too easily understood. Maybe “hey, go fuck yourself!” That’s a little more esoteric with the f-bomb buried in there. If I say it fast I doubt they’ll understand even they speak a little English. Score. I’m totally doing it. I feel like I’ve gotten a second wind with my insults plotting. I pick up the pace a bit.

8:20: And I pass the house, but the boys are gone. Darn it! Instead about ten kids come bursting through the curtain of the house shouting at me “batouré! Batouré! BATOURE!” I keep running. I notice my shoes are almost completely red from the dirt. That’s kind of cool.

8:23: Why is this the longest 30 minute run of all time? Why can I not develop the discipline to just get this over with earlier in the morning? Why are there a million FREAKING FLIES BUZZING AROUND MY HEAD? I feel like an ox. I actually use my ponytail to whip around my face trying to dissuade the flies.

8:24 I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth, I whip my hair back and forth…

8:25: Oh, finally, I reach the turn off back to civilization. Take the left ignoring the cat calls. Fantasize about how when I’m in medical school I’m going to get up at 6am and run for half an hour on my treadmill at home in the air conditioning while I watch CNN early morning news. Colt will get up then and make me whole wheat banana and blueberry pancakes or something before lecture. He’s so nice. Man I wish I had some pancakes.

8:26: I pass a teen girl and she says “bon travail!” (“good work”) and I say “MERCI!” with such inflection and intensity I think I freak her out a bit. But seriously, it’s so nice to hear someone say something actually NICE when I’m out on a run. Those “good work”s and “keep up the courage”s really boost the spirit.

8:27: I sprint down the last path and turn the corner at the school. I see the sign for PSI and Catholic Relief Services and know I am almost there. Sprint harder!

8:28: Pass a couple kids on a moto who point and laugh. “Hey, go fuck yourself!” I call out in a pleasant voice and wave. They smile and keep going.

8:29: Ahhh, I’m almost there. I’m totally going to reach my cut off before my 30 minutes are up, go me!

8:29:32: Score. Finished. Sigh. Take some deep breaths. Keep walking to my house around the bend.

8:30: Ah, I love my concession. So pink and friendly. I think I’ll get some watche and wagasi for breakfast. That’s the perfect combo of carbs and protein for after a run. Maybe I’ll get some writing done today, too. Make some coffee, take a shower. This will be great. Yay for runs! Open the door.

8:31: They’re STILL playing Christmas music?! FELIZ NAVIDAD?! WAWA**

*Anatomy implies the ‘parts that make up’ a subject. Because running is an activity, and therefore acting in time and space, the parts that make up a run are necessarily times and landmarks. Or not. Whatever. Don’t be an asshole.

**West Africa Wins Again. The FML of PC-West Africa Volunteers.

Things have been pretty relaxed around here, treading precipitously on lazy I dare say.

After IST, I spent a couple nights in Nati to just wind down, use some awesome internet, and catch the tail end of Mango Olympics, the Peer Support Network (PSN) program of the year. I had a very nice time, actually. I streamed the three most recent episodes of Grey’s Anatomy (holy love of all that is holy, that workstation internet is fast!), had myself a few beers with some good friends, and had my fair share of the deliciousness that was the mango pie that Mary made (see last post for da foto). I lounged around with glee, knowing that Imorou, my work partner back in Djougou, was still out of town on formation that I was not invited to (because of the IST business). I also got to talk to Colt for the first time in like A MILLENIUM, which was amazing and very very needed.

Since being back from Nati, I have been feeling a little under the weather. I’m not sure if this is general Peace Corps related apathy (oh no, I have nothing scheduled for months and am just going to DIE here of boredom) or a little bacterial infection. Maybe it’s malaria, but the no fever thing sort of rules that out. That and the insane, liver-destroying prophylaxis we take weekly. So I just gave myself a couple days to chill out. Yesterday, I actually went an entire day without seeing another human being and can I just say that it was lovely? It was my first alone day in like weeks.

Part of my misanthropy is a direct result of my having been robbed. Not like someone broke into my house or anything like that, but my cell phone was stolen from me. I, of course, stupidly left it on the bus on the way back from IST, and when I asked the bus people about it, they were clueless…meaning it has been taken. Which sucks. Honestly, though, I’ve been nonplussed about the whole thing. I mean, I was annoyed for sure, but when I really started thinking about it, I figured that there wasn’t really anything I could do about it, except get a new one. So I came back to Djougou planning on zemming out to the MTN store to try to get a new sim card with the same number. That plan was stymied, however, when I got out of the taxi and discovered that my helmet had been stolen. That’s right, two important commodities, stolen within a week of each other. The helmet thing pissed me off. I demanded the driver find out what happened. He asked for my contact information so he could return it to me when he found it. I, however, HAVE NO CELL PHONE. He promised to bring it to PSI next week, though, when located. He better do it, too. I got his name and number and will be passing it on to the security guy at Peace Corps if I don’t get my helmet back. Walking around this hugely sprawling city is a bitch.

Case in point: It took AN HOUR to walk to the MTN store. In the middle of the day. With the sun BEATING down on me. At least the place was airconditioned. I sat for (ONLY!) three hours and got a new sim card. I was actually pretty happy with the service there, besides the wait. The lady was professional, using the vous form and speaking really fast and courteously, almost like in Americaland. I get my same number, too, so yay for 66.23.91.13 or as we say here “soixante-six, vingt-trois, quatre vingt-onze, treize.” Thank Allah for small favors. Then I walked the hour long walk home at dusk.

I had to leave my ID card with them, though. Apparently their copy machine was down and I didn’t want to wait an indeterminate number of hours because I wanted to get home before dark. So I left it, they promised to keep it safe, and I said I’d go back for it the next day. Which I didn’t. Because of the lazy. But it’s fine. It’ll be safe until later. I hope.

Zaari is good. She meows a lot less. I’m not sure if that’s because she’s growing up or because she was completely traumatized by her week of NO MOMMY when I was at IST last week. Doug came by to feed her every couple of days, but I sort of think it wasn’t enough food. She’s been eating an entire can of sardines each day now and he only gave her a can for every two days or so. I’m pretty sure she was like freaking out, thinking she was near death or something. Which makes me feel kinda bad. But at least she’s eating a lot now. She’s also freaking huge. Like almost the size of real live, American kitten. I think she’s about thirteen or fourteen weeks. After we get paid at the end of the month, I’m going to finally get her vaccinated. I know, I know. It’s about time. She’s been mostly healthy, save for the “let’s add water to this sweetened, condensed milk and see if she’ll like it” phase. Note: she liked it, but puked it back up twenty minutes later. She’s also into killing lizards. Not necessarily eating all of it once killed, but she does enjoy the killing itself for sure. She killed one the other day and ate half of it before deciding she’d rather just eat sardines. Seriously, the top half of the lizard was gone, the back legs and tail just sitting all macabre out on my patio, his guts sort of unceremoniously tangled beside him. I know it was a he, too, because of the tiny little ignored gonads on the cement. Of course, they could have been ovaries. I don’t know anything about internal lizard anatomy. I’ve only dissected felines, sharks, and pigs for chrissakes.

So that’s that. My internet is back to being shitty. I have yet to finish filling out my med school application, although I got a good portion done while in Nati. I have about four sections left to finish before June 1st when I’ll be submitting the monster. Hopefully the PSI internet will be superb this week and I can get ‘er done. Ew, I can’t believe I just said “get ‘er done.” How Kansan of me.

Running? What running? I’ve not purposely gone on a run for 9 days now. That’s like completely ceasing all physical activity. Starting up again will be akin to beginning a new exercise routine, ask your doctor style. Again, not sure if the cause is general PC apathy or actual medical fatigue, but I just cannot get my ass out of bed in the morning to go run. By the time I’m up it’s way too freaking hot. I thought this hot season was over, but apparently it has decided to hang out for a bit longer. And, um, rainy season my ass. It’s rained like once in the last month. Of course, it was so intense, the water pooled under my windows and slowly trickled from one end of my house to the other, leaving a lovely wet mark stain. The river Djougs. Anyway, tomorrow I am BEGGING PROMISING FORCING THREATENING myself to get up by 6:30 and JUST GO. I mean, I will never have this much free time to get myself into an acceptable running schedule. I should SERIOUSLY make use of it so that when I’m in med school I have some sort of precedent for getting up at ungodly hours for the HOLY WORK-OUT. We’ll see how it goes.

In general I am sort of shocked that it is already May 21st (yes I’m post-posting this post…haha). My little bros have already finished with school. It’s like SUMMER WOO HOO time there already. Finals are so last week over. Graduations have happened already (well, except for Wellesley’s which is this weekend…holy mother of mothers, has it really been A YEAR since my own graduation??). Labor day marks the beginning of pool season and I am jealous. Of pools, most definitely. Of changing seasons? Um, yes. It’s been like the summer of hell here for 10 months. Windy season, rainy season, hot season. It doesn’t matter. It’s all summer all the time. Which I love. But still. I’m looking forward to my visit home in October. Yay, long sleeves!

Well, that paragraph wasn’t very organized. Oh well. I honestly don’t have much else to talk about. Work? Hmm. Monday I’ll go back to work at the office and will probably get started on end of the month reports. I feel like I just did these for April, but that’s how it goes I guess. I think Tuesday will be much of the same, Wednesday I’ll head over to the maternite for some baby stuff…maybe…they still don’t really know what to do with me. I’m frankly considering not even bothering. I usually just go and sit and watch prenatal consultations which is like boring as shit after the first, I don’t know, million. Thursday I’ll go to the HIV/AIDS testing center, which I actually enjoy. The people there are nice, I can watch cool procedures (like contraception insertions), do some easy peasy paperwork for them, fix their computer (usually just turning it off and then back on again heh), and they have a scale which says I weigh like ten pounds less than I do. So that’s always fun for the ole self-esteem. Then Friday I’m back at PSI. Honestly, I’m not super psyched about the work I do here. Can I say that? Out of the THREE GOALS of Peace Corps, the first one sort of sucks for me. I think that’s the way it is for a lot of volunteers, but whew. I feel better just getting it out there and off my chest. I’m bored with my work. There, I said it. The rest of my “job” here I really really love. Transferring knowledge about America to the Beninese and vice versa. I’m really good at that! Just today I had about five kids hanging out and we talked about American games and I taught them some English. It was fun and 2/3 of what I’m supposed to be doing here. So that’s good. And I guess I don’t always dislike my official work. I like the health center and talking to people casually about health related issues. And I like it when I feel useful at the office. That’s just sort of rare. C’est la vie, quoi. Ou bien?

So that’s that, folks. Not much to see here, move along. I wish I could recount harrowing tales of heroism or breathtaking displays of poverty and the romanticized happiness and carefree attitude of the people or even just talk about how I’m saving African babies and wiping the sweat off my brow with my red-dirt covered palm…but, I’m too busy being lazy and watching my cat eviscerate lizards right now. Maybe tomorrow.

E

PS. I actually DO have a story about traveling through the backwater villages on terre rouge, but I still have to bust it out. I’ll put it up as soon as the creative juices are flowing.

Ew..flow. Heh.

So it's been awhile since I posted pics up here and since I'm at the workstation in Nati I thought I'd drop by to post some of my favorite kind of photos: FOOD!

The food here is amazing, honestly. Most of the time I cook for myself in my little kitchen, lots of couscous, oatmeal, pasta with tomato sauces with onions and other random veggies. I also like to add soy cheese (basically tofu). I've started really getting into black eyed peas, too. They take a while to cook, but are so much healthier than a bowl full of bleached pasta. Every now and again I'll do something fancy, like make a pizza or attempt a dessert. I had a cookies phase...which is essentially satisfied by cooking in a dutch oven, very interesting. You can probably find a picture of one on the internet. Imagine that, but more ghetto and you've got my oven. I also used to bake my own bread, but I'm trying to lesse the carbs a bit if possible and trying to get into tip top shape. I figure I'll never really have this kind of time again to devote to it, so I might as well take advantage. That doesn't stop me from enjoying my watche, yam pilee, and wagasi, however. One good thing about yam pilee? It's not processed white, empty calories. You're actually getting some bang for your buck there in nutrients. Woo hoo!

Anyway, here's some food fotos:

Watche and wagasi. The watche is rice and beans and the wagasi is that fried cheese that is amazing and might be the only food I really actually miss. Must be eaten with cold, natural sugar coke. Ah.

This is mango pie. We made it up in Nati yesterday at the workstation. Mary is a genius. I had it for breakfast today and it was awesome.

This is from my three month "let's pretend I eat meat" phase. This was taken at Chateau Vert, an amazing chicken and fries place in Djougou across from my office. You have to order an hour in advance, but it's worth it. That's Colt on the side there, dipping his french fries in this delicious tomato and onion sauce they serve avec les frites ici.

This picture didn't load quite right, but it's the New Years cake Colt and I made when he was here. It's chocolate and amazing. Affissa tried it and thought it was fabulous. Ah cake. Thanks to Alex for providing the mix. It was loved.

Colt eating yam pilee for his last time in Djougou. He started getting pretty skilled at it by the end.

Me eating yam pilee. The pounded yams are stickier than mashed potatoes and you scoop up the sauce (usually a tomato, onion, palm oil mix of awesomeness, occasionally with a peanut sauce that is my absolute favorite) with the piece of squished yam. If lucky, you'll also have a few pieces of wagasi to snatch up to make the perfect combo. And of course, a cold coke next to ya.

This is the coconut curry at Hong Kong's in Cotonou. This meal is like real Chinese food. I can sometimes be tricked into thinking I am in Americaland when I eat out in Cotonou. This meal was awesome...but so expensive I've never been back!

Colt at Livingstone's, the expat hangout in Cotonou. The pizza is expensive but real. I think it's good even by American standards, but I am a fan of thin crust pizza. Colt was unimpressed I think, but screw him. He can get Papa Murphy's whenever he wants! Ahhh, pizza. I blow some money here pretty much every time I'm in Cotonou.

Not really a meal, per se. But this packet of barbecue sauce I got from Becca was a vrai delight on some watche. I wish I had some more. See how excited I am about it??

This was our delicious attempt at crispy potato soft tacos. The purple bowl is filled with chopped up and fried potatoes with taco seasoning. The green bowl has an awesome fresh salsa I made with guacamole, tomato, onion, and pimantes with a dash of lime and salt. The strainer has fresh, bleached, chopped up lettuce, those are definitely homemade tortillas in the back and we made a ranch-like dressing for the typical Taco Bell ranch sauce they put on top. We didn't have shredded cheese, but what do you want? Eggs in your beer? Geez.

Here we are pounding some yams for our dinner at Affissa's house. We pounded just long enough to get this photo, haha. Colt is such a dork.

Lapain and frites (rabbit and fries) et La President's in Porto Novo. This was the first meat I purposefully ate (there was the auspicious hot dog incident of 2008), and this rabbit was fabulous. I thought it was amazing and I wondered why I had been a vegetarian so long. Then I went to America and ate meat there for a month and wondered why the hell I would even bother eating meat in this country. So I'm a vegetarian again...after a short vegan stint in March and April. But that rabbit still looks good, huh?

Another Livingstone's pizza shot. I mean, Matt looks awesome, Scott is mid mouthful, how could I not post this pic? Eat that pizza, Matt!!!

Oh, wow, three Livingstone pictures. I mean, I thought this epic cheese string was pretty badass. And note my cool Beninese soccer jersey. Their team is the Squirrels.

After all that food, pretty much we just go out for beers. It's the best staple of any good Peace Corps Volunteer's diet!

I hope you enjoyed the pictures!

I apologize for the delay in posting; blogger has been having massive issues and I haven't been able to get these up because of bad internet, but here are the links following the hearings finally, albeit a bit late.

Here is the news release from the Peace Corps, reprinted below for your convenience followed by many different links about the testimonies yesterday and results coming from them*:

WASHINGTON, D.C., May 11, 2011 – Peace Corps Director Aaron S. Williams testified before the House Foreign Affairs Committee on Peace Corps’ enhanced safety, health and support measures for volunteers serving around the world. The hearing, entitled “Peace Corps at 50”, also included testimony from returned Peace Corps volunteers (RPCVs), Peace Corps’ Inspector General and members of the Peace Corps community.

In prepared testimony, Director Williams outlined ways the Peace Corps has increased its support to volunteers who have been the victim of a sexual assault or other crime. Since Director Williams took office in August 2009, the Peace Corps has instituted several new measures to improve the agency’s sexual assault risk reduction and response program. Director Williams’ testimony can be found in its entirety here.

“The health, safety, and support of every member of our Peace Corps family is my number one priority,” said Peace Corps Director Williams in a prepared statement. “The Peace Corps of today takes the issue of sexual assault prevention and response seriously and we are dedicated to providing compassionate victim-centered care. Since I became Director, the Peace Corps has put in place new policies to reduce the risks faced by volunteers and to ensure they receive our full support when a tragedy occurs.”

The Director continued his statement by detailing the measures the Peace Corps has taken to strengthen global operations and improve the quality of care provided to volunteers. He concluded his statement by offering sincere thanks to the Peace Corps volunteers of yesterday, today and tomorrow for their commitment to public service.

The Peace Corps will continue to make additional changes as the agency works with returned volunteers, other government agencies and leaders in the field of sexual assault risk reduction and response. The Peace Corps has instituted the following reforms to strengthen safety and security procedures and ensure compassionate care for victims of crime.

Issued Peace Corps’ Commitment to Sexual Assault Victims, a set of core principles to ensure we provide timely, effective, and compassionate support to victims of sexual assault.Implemented and trained staff on our new Guidelines for Responding to Rape and Sexual Assault. The guidelines emphasize a victim-centered approach with specific procedures posts must follow to respond promptly to an incident and provide the best possible support to a victim.The agency’s Sexual Assault Working Group is developing a comprehensive sexual assault prevention and response program. The working group includes returned volunteers and survivors of rape and sexual assault, as well as staff with expertise in trauma response.At the suggestion of returned Peace Corps volunteers with First Response Action, Peace Corps hired a nationally recognized leader in victims’ rights to be the agency’s first victim’s advocate. The victim’s advocate will make sure victims of crime get the emotional, medical, legal, and other support they need.Created the Peace Corps Volunteer Sexual Assault Panel, made up of outside experts and returned volunteers who were victims of sexual assault, to help Peace Corps design and implement sexual assault risk reduction and response strategies.

For more detailed information on Peace Corps’ safety and security practices, including the agency’s commitment to volunteers, please visit the Safety Section on the Peace Corps website.

***

I was also given a couple different links to videos that show some of the testimonies of RPCV sexual assault survivors as well as Lois Puzey, Kate's mom. Please be warned that these videos could very likely be triggering:

AP video of the hearing: here

CSPAN video of the hearing: here

In response to these hearings it looks like Congress is in the process of actually working on legislation to protect whisleblowers and to protect the rights of sexual assault survivors. They're also looking to better support the Puzeys in their fight for justice for their daughter's death. Here is the follow up response from the NYT to the hearings yesterday and you can get a good summary of the proceedings from the San Francisco Times here.

One amazing result of all of this seems to be that the Peace Corps is scraping the shitty sexual assault training video that was such a hell for me. Read about it here. This is one amazing thing to come out of this thing. If you're curious about really shitty sexual assault awareness training, you can actually watch the original training video. I don't know why you'd want to, though. It's really pretty awful.

I don't have much else to report except that many of us have been discussing these events the last few days. I'm actually in the south of the country right now for our semi-annual inter-service training and all the health sector volunteers are together for the first time since our last one in December. It's crazy how quickly time has flied on by. It seems like we just had our last one and yet it's been almost half a year since then. It'll be June in a couple weeks and just a month after that the new stage will be here and we won't be the babies anymore. Crazy.

*I would like to immensely thank Jessica, from Jess Under African Skies and one of the first volunteers I befriended in Benin, for these links that I shamelessly bouffed. You rock, girl.

This article is a preview of the hearings held by congress today, which can be streamed here.

Kate Puzey's mom, Lois, gave testimony as well, speaking to the need for whistleblower protection and confidentiality breeches leading to her daughter's death. I couldn't watch the video so someone should let me know if anything unexpected or promising occurs. I doubt it will, but I am feeling extremely pessimistic and bitter about the Peace Corps as an organization right now, although I just want to preface this entire post by saying that I love the Peace Corps and simply want it to reach its potential as the force I know it can be, the organization that I believe in. But right now it needs to make some serious changes.

The first time I was made aware of the Peace Corps inappropriate response and attitude toward victims/survivors (I will use the word survivor in my own words and only use "victim" when quoting others) of sexual assault and rape was the third or fourth week of training. We were all gathered at Songhai for our weekly medical training session and most of us were dreading pretty hard the "rape talk." I was interested in how they would present the information. As a women's college graduate with a modest but passionate background in women's studies, I was worried about the ability of the male host country national physician employed by PC/Benin to give a sensitive and appropriate talk on the subject. My concerns were, at first, made irrelevant because they showed a video. I thought, "Oh good! The Peace Corps knows that HCN doctors probably aren't the best resources for this information so they've prepared something with a strong survivor-empowering message for us to watch instead." Oh boy was I so wrong. The video very clearly focused on survivor's use of alcohol and culturally inappropriate attire as reasons for getting into risky situations, a clear case of "victim-blaming" that I was disgusted to see from an official Peace Corps Washington video. The rest of the video was similar; women cried and were vague about the help they got from Peace Corps. It was made clear that pursing legal action would be difficult and the primary message was "don't get too close to men and drink too much." I was horrified. When the HCN doctor finally did start talking I was further devastated. There were casual references to rape and assault situations, joking and making light of the video, more victim-blaming, and discouragement for coming forward if anything ever actually happened here.

I excused myself, went to the bathroom, and cried. I was already tired and frustrated with stage (training is just, in general, sort of a frustrating time) and the idea that statistically SOMEONE in the room had experienced an assault or rape and was being forced to listen to this crap was so disheartening I literally couldn't take it. One in four American women has had an experience like that and most of us know what it's like to get close or feel the threat of it and discussions of rape and assault can be extremely triggering and must be treated with respect. Dismissive attitudes of both our facilitator and the video itself were disturbing and so inappropriate for an organization representing America that I had to literally grieve for a few minutes.

I put this information in my training review of course. It was one of the biggest problems I've had with the Peace Corps and since then I've learned increasing amounts of information about the inappropriate response of the Peace Corps to volunteers who become victims of crime. Current PCVs and RPCVs should absolutely participate in the First Response Action survey regarding our sexual assault training here.

I've felt extremely compelled the entire time of my service by Kate Puzey's story and the response of PC/Benin and Washington. PCVs in Benin are intimately aware of inefficiencies in this area and it is a source of constant frustration. I find it hard to believe that ALL Peace Corps countries have this much malcontent on administrative issues. I know it's tough everywhere, but I honestly think the ET rate would be higher worldwide if it was like Benin everywhere (approaching 25% here). That gives me hope that we just happen to be in a more "malignant" program that is doing its best to change and become better equipped to handle itself. The idea that other countries might be better is encouraging. But as far as crime responses go, it seems like it's a worldwide Peace Corps fault. Especially as far as sexual assault and rape reporting goes.

I won't repeat statistics and stories you can read elsewhere, but it's a problem in reality and not just the attitude of the training video screened. Reporters are not valued, treated like they were the cause of their own effect, and discouraged from pursuing justice. This is often done in the name of cultural sensitivity and understanding but really it's just bullshit. No culture condones rape even if the details are varied across the spectrum. But the important thing is that American norms on the subject are very serious and frankly, the Peace Corps should treat these incidents exactly the same as if they happened in America. The fact that host country nationals are in administrative positions shouldn't matter. Train them to respond as an American to these issues. There's no excuse.

A few solutions were presented in the NYT article that I agree with wholeheartedly and think are feasible and legitimate. One, hiring someone trained in sexual assault survivor empowerment to specifically overhaul the Peace Corps's approach to these incidents and their appropriate response through trainings and policy revamping. Two, get rid of that fucking video and replace it with something created by a knowledgeable and credible crisis center or organization. Three, the development of "sexual assault response teams" to collect forensic evidence and provide advocacy to survivors. I also think there needs to be an advocacy group established in each country of volunteers and trained professionals who can counsel on that specific country's procedures for filing a report and pressing charges. Another suggestion would be to follow the First Response Action group's 7 point plan to specifically address issues of sexual violence against Peace Corps Volunteers including the "Survivor Bill of Rights" with standardized protocols of response. These things should be legislated in the states and enforced abroad immediately.

Politics should not enter into the equation at any point. This is not a Democrat/Republican issue at all, but an American one. We are serving our country and the world and should be protected appropriately under law. These arguments do not devalue the promise of the organization promised by JFK or hurt the Democrats and should not lead to funding cuts or compromised legitimacy of the Peace Corps. Director Williams needs to commit to supporting future legislation protecting the volunteers because it's the only responsible course of action he can follow as the head of an organization with increasing numbers of female volunteers in the world.

These criticisms are not aimed at breaking down the Peace Corps or discouraging future, interested volunteers, especially women. I think this has been and will continue to be one the most life changing and powerful experiences of my life. I love Benin and I love the people. I feel at home here and am more proud than I've ever been to be an American citizen and a representative of my country abroad. I think joining the Peace Corps is one of the best decisions I ever made and would encourage people to follow me. But I also know that the organization can be improved, the experience of women in the world can be made safer and healthier and more in tune with truer American values. The Peace Corps has a responsibility to act as a role model in how it responds to sexual violence; it is a visible organization and a powerful force in a world that generally mistreats and devalues women. It's about damn time it started acting like it.

For the last few days I have been feeling more homesick than usual. Perhaps it’s the number of birthdays I’m missing in the end of April, the fact that I know spring is looking toward summer days in America, or that I’ve actually been busy and unable to really reflect on things until they jump out and surprise me. Whatever the reasons, I’m missing home to a higher degree than I’ve ever felt in all my time living away from home.

Feeling homesick to me is like having a major part of yourself not in sync. You feel out of step, out of place, left behind. That part of you is still attached to somewhere across the ocean and the connecting thread is being played like a guitar string, lurching and swaying, it pulls you off course. For me, the feeling of homesickness is being able to close my eyes and the first thing I see is open highway with the cattle grazing fields stretching out to the horizon. It’s seeing Buffalo Wild Wings and Hollywood 14 theaters. The taillights and streetlights on Wannamaker Boulevard. The long drive up to North Topeka past all the familiar turn-offs and houses, signs and sights that I always thought trivial but are a part of where I come from.

A lot of this recent bought of homesickness is just missing the people in my life. Usually most of the ache is for Colt, a feeling that I have long come to terms with even though it never really gets any better. But this thing lately is a lot bigger than that. Missing him is there, sure, it always is. The last few days, though, I’ve been missing my mom, my dad, Jeni and Stephen, Oliver, Zach and Lucas, Skyler, and especially Josh. My family. Maybe it’s because I feel like we’re once again on some sort of transitional brink and I cannot be there to be a part of it. Maybe it’s because Zach is a teenager now which seems like some overwhelming dive off a cliff into new territory, a slap in the face to how fast time really has gone by. A lot of it is Josh, making big decisions about his future. How I wish I could be there to be a part of those choices. For me, a lot of homesickness often feels suspiciously like guilt. It’s been five years since I’ve lived in Kansas for any length of time and my family dynamic has learned to function without me in it. Of course that’s exactly what is supposed to happen when you grow up. But I feel left out so often, forgotten. And then I just feel guilty when I realize it’s my own fault.

I miss my friends, too. My college friends in a different way from my high school friendships that I have maintained and the new home friendships I’ve built. There’s an assumed fierce independence with my college friends. We’re all out doing amazing awesome things like Teach for America and law school. We don’t really have time to be overly sentimental. We all come from very different regions in the world, too, so there’s no guarantee that our long distance friendships will ever be more than that. There’s a few people I really miss, but college is different than those friendships built up and kept strong for ten years or more.

A lot of my high school friends are also doing amazing things. Graduations, getting real live grown-up jobs, getting married, having babies. Most of those friendships are either strong enough to not worry about too much or have faded over the years of me being so far away from home. A few have rekindled after a few years of absenteeism. Several I have just plain neglected. I’ve also built a few new friendships, mostly through Colt, but still important to me, especially looking to the future (Sydney!). Right now I’m really missing Jen, Aaron, Megan, and Mal. I found some old photos of us from the fall of 2008 and was in tears. I’m not a super sentimental person, but I miss just hanging out and being ridiculous. I’ve never had to pretend to be anyone I wasn’t for them. Finding friendships like that is rarer than you might think and I’m realizing that I’ve taken them for granted for a long time.

The people and the places make up the part of me still tied to Kansas. I facebook surf every few days and am constantly reminded of the way it feels to be home, doing the simple things that just don’t exist here and aren’t missed until they’re gone. So I’m taking stock right now! Here’s what I miss most about home:

Meeting a friend for coffee at starbucks, getting dinner at a bar and grill, BWW, good wine, driving through the countryside with the windows rolled down and the radio blaring, playing on a playground, Gage park, the early Italian brunch at Paisano’s with Colt, Papa Murphy’s cheese pizza, sushi from HyVee, walking up Mass Ave in Lawrence, incense, air conditioning, fresh cut grass, sunflowers, Mallory and Zach and their awesome house, going for a long run in crisp morning air, Chipotle, movie theater popcorn, the fluffy, cuddling, Colt’s mischievous smile, premade clothes and department store smells, Candyopolis, Taco Bell cheesy bean and rice burritos, youtube videos on mom’s iphone with Zach and Lucas, my living room and the people sitting in it, cooking with a full kitchen, cupcakes, making cookies with the kids, visiting Wichita and seeing Jeni and Stephen and Oliver and Dad, playing in Dad’s lab, champagne, Aaron Dean Senne, Juice Stop blueberry and banana smoothies, feeling cold, kisses, Barnes and Nobel, easy internet access, quiche and salad at Annie’s with Sydney, sexy cars, the fabulous Megan Greening and Olive Garden lunches with my favorite ladies, girl talk with Kira, dinners at Colt’s parents house, laying out looking up at the stars in the summer, Kansas sunsets, political protests and civic action, super Walmart and giant Dillons, Skyler and the Sunflower house, everything else about Lawrence, my amazing mom, high heels, wearing contacts and dressing up, feeling clean from head to toe, Jennifer Long, anonymity, football on TV, Cold Stone Creamery, fake meat, cheese, the apartment, Dan and Nick, video games, watching Netflix movies with dinner, enchiladas, snow, Josh and his leather jacket, open fields surrounded by old barbed wire fences, antiques, the way my house smells like home, everything else about Colt Sellens.

I wanted to leave Kansas for so long, to get out, get over the rainbow. I wanted so badly to do the great things I am doing now in Africa, live how I am living with the people I have made my friends. I don’t regret my choices, but I am surprised at how much I feel connected to America, to Kansas. It’s almost like I never expected to feel pride at calling where I come from “home,” but I am proud and I really do miss it with more intensity than I ever have or thought I would. I think I’m growing up a little bit, appreciating my background a little more, giving more credit to the people and the place that made me who I am. That doesn’t mean I ever want to actually live in Topeka again. But being close enough to visit sounds pretty okay to me.

The West Wing was a television show that captivated me as a child and helped force me into the kind of patriotism that was sometimes difficult to find during my adolescence. I followed the first two seasons diligently, watching with my dad on Wednesday nights. I didn’t always understand the fast pace or what the official jobs of the characters really were, but I learned about politics, about America. At some point I stopped watching, but I never really forgot how moving some episodes had been or how much of an impact the television show had on my development as a politically minded American citizen.

Across an ocean for the last year as a Peace Corps Volunteer has provided ample time to catch up on the seasons I had missed and re-watch those first two. As someone serving my nation abroad, I felt a connection to the public servants in the White House, and the fictional current events propelled my interests in what was going on in America. Watching those first seasons I saw the parallels between our nation’s actions during the early 2000s and was moved to tears remembering how little my thoughts have changed in the ten years since I regularly followed the show. I waited to hear President Bartlett ask “What’s next?“ as they moved on to the next crisis or simple affair that could change the course of history. I would often make a quick lunch on my tiny stove and sit on my make-shift couch with the fan strategically positioned and open my computer to watch an episode or two of this show, slowly working my way through the seasons and the drama, always feeling a sort of pride and astonishment at the amazing accomplishment that is the United States.

The first few seasons I debated my own interest in pursuing politics or trying to get Colt to do so, the fourth and fifth seasons I thought a lot about our relationship with the rest of the world, the Islamic nations and the international marketplace. During the sixth and seventh my mind turned to the bittersweet and remarkable nature of America, resilient and malleable like the Constitution itself. Always I was looking for guidance from the gentle leadership of Jed Bartlett, a president that seemed benevolent and strong, the perfect leader of the world. I know I would have voted for him.

I thought a lot about how democracy works in America, all the red tape; it’s easy to get jaded and cynical about the process and become frustrated with the game of politics. I myself became much less involved and interested in the political landscape after high school. Once I found myself in a blue state for college, my passionate interests in politics seemed absurd; I had no one to disagree with anymore. I got lazy. Sure I was motivated to basic action during the 2008 presidential election, taking part in some simple campaigning between studying for finals and lab exams. I was invigorated by the fight for the White House and really believed in President Obama’s goals. I just didn’t really think it had anything to do with me. So I voted and forgot about it. I fell into the trap that the top of the ticket is all that matters. But I was wrong to forget about the other parts of government and the other levels of government. My apathy was misplaced.

If I’ve learned anything from the West Wing it’s that the Executive branch is only the beginning of the story. It’s more powerful in action than perhaps intended, but when it comes to legislation and policy and domestic changes on a federal level, Congress is just as influential and just as worthy. And there are small fights for those seats every two years, fights that are crucial for the smooth operation of our country. And if we care, we have to get involved. Apathy is not acceptable. It’s not okay to just say that you’re not interested in politics or that the game doesn’t matter to you; that game is what makes America what it is. The potential of the political system is what leads to greatness.

I wish that I had more formal education about political science. I really do. I chose to spend most of my time in traditional sciences with a splash of social and economic issues and that’s fine. I just wish I had had more time for an undergraduate education or the money or the foresight to have gotten even more out of my fantastic degree. But I don’t have that and am passionate about medical school and practicing medicine. But I can guarantee that I will be an active voice in policy. That means closely following legislation and voicing my opinions loudly. It means taking an active role in the causes and the leaders I believe in. It means learning on the go, playing the game and meeting the system head on to defend it and change it whenever necessary.

That’s a great thing about the West Wing in the end. After eight years in the White House, the president stepped aside and the next guy took over. The next administration began to tackle problems left behind and address new challenges. Every few years we get a fresh start to how this country is governed and it is always peaceably handed over with bittersweet memories and open expectations. It takes an involved and passionate public to hold our leaders to the highest standards and loudly demand perfection even when it is impossible or people disagree. The West Wing showed me that this process is fun and exhilarating, exhausting and toll taking. In its ideal form, American politics is about duty, about serving the people, the nation. It’s about taking responsibility and handing over the reigns in the end. None of us can ignore the call to serve or give up in frustration when things get tough.

In just a few months the nation will be gearing up for another election year. President Obama (eerily similar to the West Wing’s Matt Santos) along with hundreds of others will be on the campaign trail hard at work to win the minds and hearts of the American people again or for the first time. I will be here in Africa, barely making it home in time to vote next year, but I will be watching as often as I can. That’s the amazing thing about the West Wing; the show is over but the spirit continues. Every time we challenge our leaders, ask questions of the Constitution, or have even a casual conversation about a candidate for office, we are making history, fulfilling our own civic duty. We are living the greatness of the United States and there is no possible excuse for complacency. So this year, do your part. If you have a complaint, do something about it. Don’t forget about what makes America the best nation in the world. Get involved. Take up the call yourself and ask, “What’s next?”

I just received information that the Government of Benin has decided that there is not enough information and evidence to bring the Kate Puzey murder case to trial. The American ambassador and Director Williams are both "highly disappointed and concerned" and will continue to urge the government to reconsider. Apparently they are requesting the FBI and the government of Benin to work together to re-open the investigation. The Peace Corps told the Puzeys that they will continue to press for justice and that the suspects will remain incarcerated until the government of Benin decides what to do next.

I am extremely disappointed and frustrated by this determination. This is just another example of the cultural differences between the two justice systems in our countries. I am however, pleased at the relative transparency of this recent development on the part of the Benin administration , as this was shared with us via text message this afternoon.

I have no idea what the next steps are going to be and I am just constantly disappointed in the Peace Corps and Benin in the handling of this situation. I wish all the best to the Puzey family in coping with these issues as well. I know my family would never stop fighting either.

I live in a bigger village here in Benin, where access to healthcare is more visible and the people are slightly more proactive about their health. It's easy to overlook malnutrition here unless I am in the health center when mothers have brought in their children from up to fifteen kilometers away. Most of the kids I see in Djougou look relatively healthy. Sure, they're barefoot and often very thin, but they eat something each day and go to school for the most part. So I naturally assumed that malnutrition isn't really much of an issue up here. Not true.

A few weeks ago I went on an epic walk around the city with my friend Affissa, a high school senior and running enthusiast who has become my closest friend in village. On one of the rare days when she wasn't studying like mad for the bacc (necessary to pass high school and go on to college...she's one of the few girls in my town to even be in this position), she invited me to walk with her and a friend out by the lake in the south. We rode her moto to her friend's house and I stored my helmet in their living room. While they were off greeting the family and chatting about the insignificant things that make up so much of life here, I started playing a bit with some of the concession kids.

At first I didn't notice what was different about "Malik", the smallest boy. I thought he was just younger maybe than the others until they got a little closer to me, a little braver. Then I noticed his reddened hair, skeleton like arms, and how his head seemed too big for his body. I recognized marasmus malnutrition immediately, the type of malnutrition where the child literally is starving from lack of sufficient calories. He was playing just a little less actively than the other boys, kicking the soccer ball with less vigor, but still smiling, still laughing and taunting me with "batouré, batouré!" like the others. He came up to me, giggling, and I touched his shoulder, smiling with him. His skin was hot to the touch, feverish. He ran off with the others when Affissa and the other adults walked over.

As we were leaving the concession I asked Affissa if Malik was okay. I told her that he had a fever and needed to be resting. She explained that he was often sick with diarrhea and the other boys didn't have the problem as often. She attributed his illness to 'gris-gris' a type of sorcery more common to the voodoo south, but I could tell she thought that was simplistic. I told her that he should drink lots of clean water and eat enough and she assured me that he was getting a lot better, that he didn't used to play. She encouraged me to forget about it and she was right. There really wasn't anything I could do beyond simply making sure that the family knew what to do. During our walk I mentioned making an oral rehydration drink and Affissa's friend said that the family was doing that already. I felt a little better, but I was just sort of shocked that malnutrition like that was just a casual part of life for these families.

It's true though. Mothers will often wait months before naming their children for fear that they will fall to illness. They have many children, usually a result of not having or believing in birth control, but also because the more children you bear, the more you'll have when some of them die. Children are not treated well in Benin in general. There is an emotional separation between parents and their kids. Beatings are completely acceptable and very common which is hard to hear or watch as an outsider. Children work hard manual labor for their families, especially the girls. Parents love their children here, of course, but it's a different kind of love then we see in the states. They never know when Allah, or sorcery, gris-gris, will take their children from them, and this makes them just a little more expendable. That's the way they were treated as children and they perpetuate it each new generation. It's a very different way of life and one that is not compatible with Westerners or myself, someone passionate about children's health and the health of those who are disempowered. But all I can really do is give my perspective and try to learn from theirs to make a small difference.

Affissa came over to my house a few days ago in the evening. We sat out on my porch under the mango tree and sipped glasses of water as the sun set. I mentioned Malik and asked how he was doing. She explained casually that he had gotten sick again and would probably die. I asked how his mother would feel if that happened, trying to keep the tears out of my voice. She just shrugged and said that his mother has five other children to help her. Seeing the look of surprise on my face, she quickly added that she would still be sad. A few moments passed and then she changed the subject, not because his illness was a difficult topic, but because to her it was such a simple one.

So I’m sure some of you are wondering what exactly I do here in Benin besides wax philosophical and complain about the heat, so I decided to write about it! Today was a very normal/typical day for me as a Volunteer, so I’ll just give you all a play by play of a pretty average day in my life. Keep in mind that about twice a week I go to the health center in the morning instead of the PSI office, but today was an office day:

6:50am: Alarm goes off. Hit snooze.

7:00am: Alarm goes off again. Grudgingly wake up. Pee, brush teeth, rinse off in the shower. Get dressed to run.

7:05am: Let Zaari out of her room and get her breakfast sardines smashed up for her. Play for a couple minutes before putting her back in her room.

7:10am: Head outside. Go for a jog, cursing everyone under my breath but saying “bonjour!” like I’m the happiest freaking white person they’ve ever seen out running.

7:30am: Back home. Let Zaari out. Do a few sit-ups if feeling ambitious. Put some water on to boil while I hop in the shower.

7:40am: Get dressed, brush hair. Mix up coffee with some splenda and dairy free (and vegan!) creamer.

7:45am: Gather stuff for work. Play with Zaari for a few more minutes trying to ignore her constant meowing without my blood pressure skyrocketing.

7:55am: Walk over to the office. Greet everyone. Turn on the air-conditioner. Sit at my desk.

8:15am: Open computer. Check email. Check face book. Check Student Doctor Network.

8:16am: Sigh. It’s going to be a long morning. Open The Health Care Blog to find something interesting to read. Consider posting something about ACOs on my medical blog.

9:00am: Imorou, my work partner, gives me a huge stack of paper and tells me to make spreadsheets of the data. Get the file information from his computer on a flash drive. Start working on this project that he expects will take days for me to finish.

10:00am: Put the newly finished spreadsheets on the flash drive for him. He is impressed. Check Student Doctor Network Allopathic School Specific threads.

11:00am: Consider leaving early. Change mind when considering air conditioning. Read about HMOs and the history of managed care in the US. Wonder when I’ll get to help catch a baby at the health center. Realize how weird this all is. Facebook.

11:30am: Greet and chat with someone visiting the office from the capital.

12:00pm: Leave for the day. Tell everyone goodbye. Snatch a cold water baggie from kitchen fridge.

12:10pm: Head into town to get supplies. It’s hot. Drink water.

12:15pm: Get called out by name by a group of small children. Smile so big thinking that the neighborhood kids know my name now. Decide that it’s not so bad here and that it’s the little things that count. Start thinking about how this is the happiest I’ve been in country in months. Smile more. Keep walking.

12:18pm: Get called out as yovo and then batouré in rapid succession. Followed by group of chanting children. Spirits effectively lowered. It’s hot. No one has water. Keep walking.

12:25pm: Get hit on by random guy. Turn him down. Sorry dude.

12:30pm: Reach marché. Buy tomatoes, onion, crin-crin (like spinach sort of), tomato paste. Have entire conversation with lady selling the fromage de soja (aka soy cheese aka tofu) completely in dendi. Seriously: greetings, asking after her health and family, requesting 100F of soy cheese, thanking her, saying good-bye. It was awesome. Feel elated again. Remember it’s hot and I still have to walk home a mile and a half.

12:40pm: Get hit on by different random guy. Turn him down. Sorry dude.

12:45pm: Raging thirst. Splurge and buy a Tampico, iced orange drink from the Fanmilk guy that walks around with his frozen little cart. Gulp that bad boy down.

12:50pm: Go into the vet’s clinic. Talk to the vet about shots for Zaari. Decide to have him come to my house next week because she’s too freaked out by traveling in a tiny box. Told that they can’t spay her up north and I’d have to take her to Cotonou for that. Realize I will be dealing with a cat in heat in a few months. Wish I had just gotten a boy.

1:00pm: Run into a visiting volunteer. Chat for a bit.

1:10pm: Arrive home. Let Zaari out. Get her some more sardines. Ignore her meows. Strip off sweat soaked clothes and get in shower. Water is warm at first. Wait patiently for cool water. Sigh.

1:20pm: Get giant bottle of water and drink it all. Wrap pagne skirt around my hips and throw on loose tank top. Plop onto couch. Close my eyes.

1:45pm: Wake up to Zaari nibbling my toes. Avoid kicking her in the face. Curse her for being a girl. Feel guilty. Play a bit with string.

2:00pm: Get hungry. Go outside to kitchen. Sauté the onions in a little sunflower oil, wash crin-crin, add to the pan. Chop tomatoes, add to pan. Spices thrown in. More water. Thicken with tomato paste. OMG this smells delicious. Lick lips. Slice up the soy cheese and mix in. Let it cook through for a while.

2:30pm: Cue up Veronica Mars, the West Wing, or some obscure movie. Put Zaari in her room so I can lay on the couch and eat (otherwise she’ll be all up in my face the whole time). Position fan very strategically.

2:35pm: Watch the movie while eating delicious local organic vegan food.

3:00pm: Handful of cashews for dessert. Let Zaari out. Cuddle while I watch TV.

4:00pm: It’s hot. Drink more water. Rinse off again. Take off tank top, just wrap pagne around self. Close computer.

4:15pm: Watch Zaari chase and play with a cockroach. This amuses me for a while.

4:45pm: Check email. Check face book. Check SDN. Start looking at the University of Chicago Pritzker School of Medicine website. Get totally sucked in.

5:00pm: OMG I have to go to this school. It’s the best school fit for me ever. It’s like a school for type A hippie science nerds, which I totally am. Download a bunch of pages. Start writing secondary application questions.

6:00pm: Get bored, internet starts to suck. Realize I have like three months before I need to be focusing on this stuff. Try to watch something on TV. Not feeling it. Play with Zaari a bit. Get weird looking scratches. Take some anti-histamine. Drink more water.

7:00pm: Give Zaari more sardines and put her in her room. It’s a little early, but I want to lay in my bed.

7:15pm: Chat with Colt online a bit. Curse the internet for sucking. Work on my fiction.

7:45pm: Open Pritzker page. Close it. I won’t get in there anyway.

7:50pm: Work on Sex Ed outline for Camp Success. Wonder how to explain ovaries to teenage girls who don’t even know where babies come from. Play solitaire instead.

8:10pm: Remember I drank all my water today. Fill my water filter with basically warm water from the tap. Wish I had done it earlier in the day when it was still cold. Realize it would have just warmed up in the filter that way. Vow to get a fridge next week for sure.

8:15pm: Go to bed. Start to watch random movie. Close it, not feeling it. Try to look up stats for celebrity weights. Get bored. Chat with Colt some more. Write a bit more.

9:00pm: Open up John Irving’s latest novel. Read a chapter. It’s too depressing to read about winter in Toronto while I’m sweating my life away. Close it.

9:30pm: Decide to write a blog entry. Wish I had brought my hookah back from the states.

10:00pm: Post entry. Close computer. Drink water. Cuddle teddy bear. Too hot for that.

10:05pm: Turn off lights. Call Colt to say goodnight. It’s hot. Want to sleep outside but am too freaked out by the idea of vampire bats and bugs. Appreciate my mosquito net. Think about malaria in Africa for while and how it is a social justice problem. Think about how my interest in social justice makes me a perfect fit for the University of Chicago medical school. Think about writing an essay on that subject. Restrain myself. Too hot for that.

10:50pm: Wish I could sleep. Toss and turn a bit. Wonder if I have enough petit monnaie to pay my neighbor girl tomorrow to wash my clothes. Get up and check. Yes I do. Lay back down under mosquito net. Drink water. Wish I could sleep. Too hot for that.

11:20pm: Open computer. Skype chat with Colt a bit. Open SDN. Too many stupid threads. Can’t bring myself to comment. Too hot.

11:40pm: Close computer. Wonder if it’s normal or healthy to be online so much when I’m a Peace Corps Volunteer. Worry I’m not having a real experience. Start defining what a real experience should be like. Realize a lot of my time here doesn’t qualify. Decide that there’s no universal and you can’t make generalizations about the Peace Corps or about life. Decide that that outlook makes me pretty open-minded. Think that means I’ll be a good fit at Chicago med school. Roll my eyes. Turn fan on a higher level. Drink water. Start to drift off.

12:00am: Get up to pee. That’s a lot of water in one day!

12:15am: Fall into sleep, deciding that I will NOT be running in the morning and will sleep instead. Beep Colt. He doesn’t answer. Leave him a message.

12:30am: Finally fall asleep.

I've been thinking about faith lately, contemplating the reasons we believe in certain things and choose to allow so called reason to take the reigns on others. Do we choose these distinctions or do they just somehow develop? Can the balance shift and should we seek out challenges to encourage our assumptions to change?

Something I've been feeling in the last 9 months is that what we know to be true is never static as long as we allow it to grow. Ideas, beliefs, faith--all these things are dynamic and should be dynamic for social and personal change to really be affected. We can so easily get caught in our knowledge, in what we know to be true, that we forget how to learn, forget that discovery comes from the sometimes unforeseeable opening of the mind.

I've become so jaded while here. I came to Africa thinking change was possible and somehow along the way my thoughts shifted to a deadlock. Everywhere I looked I saw roadblocks to change from the very people who could benefit the most. All the stereotypes we laughingly discussed at the beginning of training seemed to be true. From believing that people here wanted my help to assuming that I was irrelevant and unwanted, my truth made a complete shift. I struggled with finding friendships among women who seem to just perpetuate the injustices against them, and men who daily and constantly harass me to the point of demoralization. Sometimes I really do just want to give up because I know that nothing I do here is going to have any sort of impact in the long run, so what's the point?

Volunteers get together and binge drink. Sometimes there's a therapeutic bitch session where we complain about the administration, the country, the people, the corruption, but mostly people just drink themselves into a stupor so they don't have to think about it at all. It's cathartic in its own way, I suppose, but not particularly helpful and not something that I participate in often. There's something so juvenile about it, like being trapped in a frat house party where no one seems to justify the real occasion. I'm not trying to blame the volunteers; life here is difficult and frustrating so much of the time. But we do get so trapped into our own assumptions and our own frustrations that no one really says anything about anything anymore. It's just the same thing every time, hoping to pass the time away so we'll be one more day closer to being finished with the pointlessness of these two years.

The last three weeks I've been paying my thirteen year old neighbor girl to come over to my house on Saturdays and help me with my laundry. I get everything set up, she washes, and I help her hang the clothes up to dry. She's quick and efficient and gets 500F out of it, which is a pretty good deal for us both. This last Saturday she didn't show up at the time we had agreed on, 10am, which was extremely irritating for me. I assumed that she had either forgotten or didn't care enough to respect my time or her money and I was grumbling pretty angrily to myself while I started doing the laundry on my own. I was starting to scrub a t-shirt when I thought to myself that perhaps something had happened, maybe there was an emergency. Of course that would be my first thought if I was paying an American girl to come over and help me. I would immediately worry about her and want to check up to make sure she was okay, not angrily assume that she had ditched me for some other more interesting activity. Why did I make the choice to be upset with my neighbor for those reasons? Was it a choice? I tend to think yes it was.

I am conditioned to think the worst of my fellow neighbors because time and time again, the worst is what I've seen. When a Beninese man comes up to me, my first instinct is to be aggressive and dismissive. I am rude automatically because so often I am harassed. Is this fair? I don't know. I'm not sure if it was wrong for me to assume that my neighbor had ditched me. But when she showed up, an hour later, she explained that she was making lunch for her little sister and brother because their mother was traveling somewhere and couldn't make it to my house on time. She said that she would have called but that her family cannot afford a cell phone. Immediately I felt both guilty and elated. Guilty because I had assumed that she was just being lazy and in reality she was working much harder than myself. Elated because a small part of my cynicism had been chipped away by this girl with her honesty and strength. I realized, for just a moment, that my time here did not have to be shaped by the static preconceptions I'd developed, and all I felt then was joy.

As far as faith goes, I know that nothing is certain. I know that challenging our assumptions is the only way to get to a place of acceptance, of peace, because if we let ourselves, we will be surprised by small acts that alter our perceptions. Before I got here, I knew I would change the world. Three months ago I knew I wasn't going to make it all the way through my service. Today I know that with an open heart and mind, I can be changed. I wonder what I'll know tomorrow?

It's mango season! I've eaten three in the last two days and they are so good. It's wonderful when they're just a little warm from the sun and the delicious flavor sort of bursts out. Ahhhhh. My tree in my front yard is heavy with them, but apparently there are mangoes made for eating and ones that aren't so healthy and can actually make a person sick, so I'll probably be avoiding the ones in my yard. It's okay though because the marches are selling them for like 50F...or ten cents.

Zaari is settling in nicely. She's still pretty thin because tuna is really the only thing she'll eat. I mix up sardines with the tuna and I'm slowly trying to wean her off the tuna, but it's difficult. She's super picky and only eats if it's fresh out of the can and very moist. Brat! We've been cuddling and playing a lot, too, which is the highlight of my day. I have to confess I got super mad and almost went Beninese on her when she tried to pee on my chair. Instead of smacking her little head (which is what I wanted to do, grrrr) I grabbed her by the scruff of her neck, told her "no" very firmly, and put her in her room and closed the door so I could calm down and give her a time out. She was meowing at a near constant rate that was driving me NUTS but I've been just ignoring her when she does that (after making sure she has water, food, and a clean litter box of course). She's slowed down a bit with it after realizing that she gets no response from me. Sometimes I have to play my music super loud to drown her out. I actually made a mix for her called Zaari's Mix that has a lot of loud hip hop and and rap on it as well as bitchy women singing about scrubs lol. She seems to like it, at least she doesn't meow constantly when it's on! Overall, we're getting alone very well. I haven't taken her to the vet yet, but sometime next week I'll do that so she can get her shots and maybe get spayed.

I've started a new blog over at WordPress about applying to medical school as well as healthcare in America and abroad. I also include a lot of stuff about FOOD because I love it and am always missing out on my favorite stuff here (can you say CHEDDAR CHEESE? Or CUPCAKES?). It's shaping up pretty nicely and I've been spending a lot of time on it, just talking about premed stuff, applying to schools, and the business of medicine in America. If you're bored and/or interested in the process for medical school, you can check it out! If I post here a little less frequently, it's partly due to my time over there. Also it would be because I am currently in the beginning of applying to medical schools which is very time consuming, marathon training (although I have yet to run more than a mile since like November) and also just because my life is indeed pretty routine now and there's not a lot to regularly update about! I'll try though for sure, so don't worry. But I doubt I'll be posting more than once a week.

Take it easy, folks, and as always, let me know if you have any questions or concerns! AND CHECK OUT MY 'DONATE!' PAGE UP ABOVE WITH INSTRUCTIONS HOW TO DONATE TO THE KATE PUZEY FUND TO SUPPORT MY MARATHON RUN AND GIRLS' EMPOWERMENT!

Thanks all and keep it real!

Elaina

Sponsor Me For the Marathon!

Yep, I’m running another one! This time it’s the Accra International Marathon (AIM) in Ghana, set for September 25th. I’ll be running with a few other PCVs to raise money for camp GLOW programs here in Benin. Camp GLOW (Girls Leading Our World) is a longstanding, successful girls’ summer camp here that focuses on empowering young women through sexual health education, career counseling, promoting self-esteem and continued schooling and is widely regarded in the country as one of the most powerful Peace Corps programs. The camps receive a lot of positive feedback and are one of the most memorable volunteering experiences. This summer I will be part of the team that is putting on the Donga camp, Camp Success, the largest in the country.

I’m not asking ya’ll to donate to Camp GLOW (although I’ll have information up here later if you want to participate in that!). Right now I’m asking for your support to help actually get me to the marathon. Registration fees and visas, as well as transportation costs and lodging are a bit pricey. Now, I can definitely come up with a good chunk of this myself just by saving some money, but I’ll need some help. These donations are not tax deductible, but if you want to donate to Camp GLOW (which IS tax deductible), I’ll have info up soon about how to do that.

My costs to take part in the marathon are:

Registration fee: $65 *by April 30th

Ghana visa: 15000 cfa ($30) *by July 31st

Togo visa: 25000 cfa ($50) *by July 31st

Transportation costs: 15000 cfa ($30) *by September 1st (Cotonou to Accra)

Lodging costs: 10000 cfa ($20) for 3 nights at PC office in Ghana

Total: $195

That’s not too bad, right? The most important part is the registration fee as the price increases after April 30th. If 10 people donate $20 I’ll be totally good to go! As soon as the costs are met I’ll post a blog to inform everyone and avoid additional sponsorships.

So if you’re interested in sponsoring me, you can make out and send a check to Colt Sellens (my fiancé and financial power of attorney while I’m gone) and he will wire me the money. Send me an email (elainahope@gmail.com) or message me on facebook for his address.

Thank you all so much for your support, emotional and financial! I wouldn’t be able to do it without you and I am so lucky to have such great friends and family in my life.

Mete Zaari?

In dendi, that phrase means “how is your day?” Now, to me, it means “How is your new and awesome baby kitten?” Her name is Zaari and she is about 7 weeks old. Her birthday, then, I’m deciding, is February 5th. She is a light orange color with subtle white streaks and a pink nose. Her eyes are a sort of greenish blue grey color. She’s active and likes to explore, but because she’s from an African family, she’s still a bit feral. I’m taking her to the vet here in Djougou probably next week just to get her checked out and get rabies shots. If he’ll do it I’ll also get her spayed then, but she might be considered too young. Otherwise I’ll get her spayed as soon as possible; I only want ONE kitten.

I went to get her this evening when Imorou called me up and asked me if I was ready to go on a ride to get a kitten. I enthusiastically agreed, but was pretty skeptical of the whole situation when he showed up on his moto with a tiny cardboard box full of small holes. I asked him where we were going and he replied “Natitingou.” Which is like 30 miles away.

We ended up just riding for maybe 10 miles before pulling off on a side road and down a smaller twisting terre rouge. We ended up in front of what I later found out was his sister’s house. Three half naked children come running up greeting us in dendi and French and asking for gifts. Imorou, being the business sort of uncle that he is, just barks out an order and they go running off back into the house through the waving curtain that acts as a screen door. Seconds later they come bursting through with two terrified looking kittens.

One was a little plumper than the other. Both girls, I knew already I was going to have to change my name choice from Koyo since I had already planned that out as a boy name. The scrawny one was almost completely black with arrestingly blue eyes. The orange one was fatter, with grey eyes. They were both trembling with fear and when I set them down to see how they played with each other, they both joined forces and darted back underneath the curtain. I followed them inside and saw their mother, looking beat to hell, lying in a corner on the cement floor. Obviously still nursing, she seemed stressed and checked out. The black kitten was no where to be seen; one of the kids went off into the other rooms to look for it. The orange one, she was gnawing on the bristles of a broomstick that was laying near the mother, her fear already forgotten. Clearly it was not an ideal situation because generally I would have preferred happy kittens who liked to play and weren’t scared of people. But in this situation, I chose the fatter, slightly less terrified one.

The ride home was interesting. She definitely did not like her little box and tried to escape several times. It is not easy to carry a struggling kitten on the back of a motorcycle! But we managed to get to my house, buying a can of tuna for us both and a yogurt for me on the way. I immediately did what all the websites have suggested I do: put her in a closed off room with water, food, her bed, and her litter box and left her alone. She started meowing and crying right away, although stopped long enough to eat her tuna. I decided to replenish her food a bit, thinking that she probably wasn’t getting a whole lot of food back at the house. She ate all that, too. An hour or so later, I gave her more with a crushed up cherry tomato and she ate until she was full (and had a couple bites of the tomato, too). I am glad I don’t have to worry about her not eating!

For the first few hours I just let her stay in there; she quieted down after a bit and I chatted with Colt online while he prepped for his job interviews. It rained and thundered for a while and I was nervous about how she’d handle that so I went into the room and read a book on the bed while she explored (ie, stayed mostly under the bed). I talked to her softly, read out loud a bit and just got her used to me. I picked her up a couple times and petted her until she resisted and then set her down on her bed. She still didn’t really respond to me. I put my hand out before I left and she darted back under the bed. I was sad, so I left the room, feeling like we would never connect and she’d be scared of me forever.

I came in later to give her one last piece of tuna before telling her goodnight and giving up until tomorrow. Instead of hiding, though, she came right over to the bowl while I was breaking the fish into smaller pieces. Then I realized with a happy little jolt that she was actually purring! She leaned up against me just a little bit before she ate those last couple bites. Then she went over to her litter box and peed. Just like a normal cat! I just about died with happiness!

Of course, she promptly laid down and tried to sleep on her pee, so you know, I still have a ways to go. But, hey, I count that as a pretty decent start.

So, welcome Zaari. I really hope you don’t die anytime soon.

E

I have to confess that I’ve been terrified to go into my kitchen for two days. I haven’t been able to do my dishes or cook anything, although I just bought some couscous that I really want to try out. This fear due to several factors including the dust covered “clean” dishes, the pile of crusty, dirty dishes left by a not-so-considerate group of PCVs, the spider webs and spiders, and…the two huge freaking lizards who set up shop between my water filter and grimy stovetop during my absence.

For two days, these lizards have been the bane of my existence. I know they are both males because at first they would both do the push-ups, head bobbing thing which is a sign of dominance, an act to show off who is the more bad-ass of the two. At some point this morning, their constant challenging came to a head in an epic, lizard battle, death match.

They battled. Using their spiny tails and heads as fierce weapons, they jumped and dived and dove and circled each other with looks of menace in their eyes all the while in my kitchen and patio. They scaled the walls, chasing each other back and forth, leaping astonishing distances to either escape or catch the other. I watched, mildly horrified, mostly annoyed at the noise, until their heaving chests marked an impasse. That’s when I struck.

Like lightening, I burst through my screen door with a bucket and lid and bolted straight for the smaller lizard looking shell shocked on my western wall. He made a futile attempt to scurry away, but when I thought he might outrun me, I reached for my broom and freaked him out with the threat of continued violence. The larger lizard watched from his hiding spot behind the kitchen door, content to rest, but clearly shaking with fear. I lunged, dropping the broom. The lizard leaped dramatically, but I was not distracted. I lithely slipped the bucket underneath him and used the lid to gently swipe him from the wall after his unsteady landing. The lid went on. He struggled and then went still, playing dead. It didn’t matter; I had what I needed. I marched through my living room and deposited him outside of my front porch by tipping the bucket over. At first, he tentatively ventured his head out, not believing in the promise of freedom. And then, once he realized there was nothing holding him back, he darted into the weeds faster than I’ve ever seen a lizard move.

Feeling smug, I went back for the second, larger lizard. I’d like to say that my experience with catching lizards thus far (ie the one I had caught minutes before) prepared me well for this one. It did not.

After twenty minutes of chasing and lunging, poking and trying to trick him into running into the bucket, he tired out and retreated under my sink. I moved in, grabbed a spatula off the counter, and literally scooped him up like a pancake and plopped him into the bucket. He didn’t even struggle. Outside the front door, he bolted to join his mortal enemy in the weeds and, presumably, to continue their epic battle of destiny.

And me…well, I went back into the kitchen to do some dishes and make some couscous.

I do not yet actually have a kitten, but many people are helping me search for one and probably I will have one soon. Many PCVs are looking out for one and are supposed to let me know if they see any newborns or have a cat themselves who is pregnant. I've also asked Affissa and her friends as well as Imorou. He got me all excited today when he said there was a "cat proprietor" who he would call, but then the guy was busy or something and nothing came of it. So I went home and tried to get my house cat prepped.

At this point I have a little bed set up next to my couch and a water and food dish area by my back door. I put the litter box in my spare bedroom in the corner. I'll just be using sand for the litter, but that seems to work with other volunteers' cats. As far as diet goes, I'll probably feed him marché fish as well as bits of whatever I'm eating (eggs, yogurt, bits of couscous, some fruit and veggies). I've done some research and it doesn't seem like I definitely need premium canned kitten food, but I still would really like to be sent some in any care packages you all are sending me, just as a nice treat for Koyo (his future name-- means "child" in Dendi).

I have some zyrtec on hand for if my allergies are bad at first, but I think if I keep him out of my bed and wash my hands after playing with him, it won't be too bad. My allergies have decreased significantly since I was a kid and the last kitten I played with did not have much of an effect on me at all.

Well, that's it for now. I'm back at work and just working on getting my house cleaned up after 6 weeks of being empty. I'll let you all know when I actually find a kitten!

E

I. TOGETHER

(1) Honeymoon

Intense happiness at the reuniting after time apart. Marked by a relatively unrealistic lifestyle: joined at the hip, all activities are performed together, inseparable. High intensity, almost giddiness pervades the time together. Duration is short, 10% of time together up to two weeks.

(2) Comfort

Intensity has faded into a happy comfort. This phase most resembles the routine that occurs or would occur when not involved in the long distance relationship. Healthy arguments are resolved happily, and playfulness and flirting are commonplace. At times there is an almost disbelief that separation will occur. Duration is up to 90% of time together and can last indefinitely if the separation is withheld.

(3) Anticipation

In the last few weeks or days together, a very brief phase of remorse occurs. It is a glimpse of the sadness that both know is to come. Duration is only a day or two and can sometimes be interpreted as outside stresses.

(4) Anger

In the days preceding the separation, there is an increased amount of arguing and frustration. Fights occur more frequently and there could be entire days where one or both parties are argumentative or antagonistic for no apparent reason. Duration is only a day or two and can often be shortened if recognized.

(5) Separation

The day of separation is marked by highs and lows, spontaneous tears or laughter. The intensity of sadness is proportional to the anticipated amount of time apart. The end of this phase marks the beginning of the APART section, and the commencing of the Acute Sadness phase.

II. APART

(1) Acute Sadness

The most painful stage. Short, but almost unbearably intense. Can last up to a week and is characterized by regular bursts of tears, sleeplessness, and an aching feeling like one's heart has been punched out. High levels of communication are very important here and yet unproductive as most conversation is repetitive pleas and declarations of missing the other. Duration is thankfully only a few days, up to a week or so after the initial separation.

(2) Sadness

The Acute phase transitions into the Sadness phase quite smoothly. Slowly the tears start to come less often and just a generalized depression overlays everything. Conversations with the parter are important during this time, as they are a light of happiness in the dark. Duration can be short or seemingly unending depending on how conscious the individual is of the situation.

(3) Apathy

Sadness morphs into Apathy, one of the most dangerous phases. An offshoot of depression, the individual sleeps excessively, takes off from work, skips meals, and basically just zones out. Even conversations with the partner do not overly interest one in the apathetic phase. Duration can be up to 50% of time apart, but can be curtailed by engaging in activities that draw attention, a "fake it 'til you make it" perspective that gives a false, but comforting sense of acceptance.

(4) Fear

This acute phase is a clear indicator of the end of the Apathy phase. It is marked by sudden anxiety about the security of the relationship or fears about the partner's health or safety. Dreams where a partner leaves or is injured are common. Decisions to prematurely end the separation most often occur here. This phase is most often alleviated by good communication with the other partner, alleviating the fears and encouraging the struggling partner to be strong. Duration is short if the separation is successfully maintained, up to a week or two.

(5) Acceptance

When the fear fades, Acceptance occurs. If successfully managed, this can be the longest phase of the separation, up to 80%. This phase is marked by typical levels of happiness and sadness as found in the general population with the highest levels of relationship satisfaction occurring before and after conversations with the partner. When both partners are in this same phase, the separation is not unduly difficult and can be pleasantly managed with letters, gifts, texts, phone calls, and skype conversations. If the other phases are experienced quickly, getting to this phase is like a breath of fresh air, leading to a healthy relationship and planning for the next reunion. Duration can be the remainder of the separation with occasional relapses to the others if not cognizant. If mindful, the Acceptance phase can be just another variation of the Comfort phase.

I am in the Acute Sadness phase right now but I know that it will all be okay soon! It's all about pushing through and getting to the part where routine makes things easier. But it sucks. It always sucks.

E

I went through my templates and updated the blog with a friendlier interface. There's an American theme going on now with the red, white, and blue, but it's subtle enough to not be overwhelming. I've also added pages up top where you can now find my application time line and my wish list, as well as a more detailed 'about me' section for your viewing pleasure. I'm hoping to make this blog a little more enjoyable to read by including more stories and anecdotes of my life abroad, so check back soon. And as always, let me know if you have any questions or concerns!

Since I've been in americaland I've had plenty of time to get all the photos uploaded to picasa and facebook that my little heart could desire. Here are a few examples; I've also enabled public picasa galleries of various benin photos. Just check out the photos of benin banner up above! Enjoy!

the sunset over a mosque in djougou

my pink front porch

a rainbow as seen from my roof

after we swore an oath to protect the constitution

swear in afternoon with some fellow RCHers

painting I bought in cotonou

my livingroom

me and doug, my postmate/big brother at beer fest

some kids playing soccer at sunset

some cute kids outside the maison des jeunes

the crowd at the world aids day 2010 in nati

dancers at world aids day

the t-shirts were awesome

dancing kids for tips at a bar in cotonou

pounding some moringa leaves into powder at IST

Well, that's it for now I think. I'll put up a few more before I head back to benin in a couple weeks.

I've been in America for the last two weeks and I have two more to go. My mom had some surgery so I came back to help out a bit on Peace Corps dime. I am actually extremely thankful for the time and money they've given me to let me be here.

I've done a lot of thinking and came extremely close to early terminating. I had made peace with the idea of never coming back to my little Djougou house; I packed like I was leaving forever and gave away so many things that I'll have to re-buy. But honestly I don't mind. I'm really glad to be coming back, I'm actually a little surprised at how happy I am that I made the decision I did. I feel like I've had this huge weight on my chest for weeks now and it's just completely lifted and I can breathe again.

Which means I can fully enjoy my time here. We're talking movies, and so much American food. And since I've been eating meat in Africa, why change my habits for such a short amount of time here? So I've had cheeseburgers and chicken and pork and omg, I don't think I'm going to be able to go back to being a veg. Colt is making me steaks for Valentine's Day tomorrow and I'm getting a really expensive bottle of Cabernet with my per diem that I've saved up.

Reverse culture shock is a very real, and very strange thing. My dad picked me up from the airport and took me to a super grocery store and I about had a nervous break-down. I looked around and saw all the tomatoes and fruit and cereal and started mumbling like a crazy person. "You can buy the lettuce...and then the onions....and then walk over here and get cookies...and the water comes out and sprays the vegetables..." There was actually tears in my eyes. But give me a break; I was tired and jet lagged out of my mind. I actually got trapped in the Minneapolis airport because of a giant snow storm. I spent the night there when my flight was canceled and while those seats are pretty comfortable, I was still a little shaken at the hugeness of the store.

There are actually probably about a hundred different examples of me being weirded out by things that should be familiar. Colt didn't know what to do with me for a while I think. I just see so much waste here that I didn't notice before. So much ingratitude for so much stuff. I mean, we have so much freaking STUFF. Why? I'm feeling very existentialist about America's materialism right now. But at the same time, wow. I mean, WOW. America is the best place ever. We have everything you could ever want or need. I can get Chinese for lunch and Indian for dinner or get a quiche or a salad or both or buffalo wings (OMG SO GOOD) or cocktails and pizza. You can buy a rug and fan and a table and bed, all premade and ready to go. It's just sort of amazing and I don't think people appreciate it. Plus the democracy? The freedom? The sheer force of American awesomeness?? Well, that's not something I'll be forgetting on my way home to Africa.

It's kind of cool, but a few times now I've referred to my house in Djougou as 'home' without even thinking about it. And it really is. I can't say that I'm jumping at the bit to get back there right away, but knowing I'll be there soon doesn't sound too bad at all.

E

I came to Nati yesterday to think very hard about my plans for the next year and a half and get some laundry done. I hung out with a couple cool cats and we had dinner and watched movies. I've been sick so it was nice to just chill out a bit and use the internet. I spent way too much time doing wedding planning stuff and just thinking about life and priorities and making difficult decisions. No one can please everyone all the time.

But, I am headed back to Djougou today after I go to the bank and do the dishes from yesterday. This weekend I am getting my hair done with the braids and the weave; I'm super excited about it!

Well, that's all for now I suppose. The family planning week didn't happen, but I'm still hoping to get more involved with the nutrition stuff with H, the Japanese volunteer in Djougou who works at the health center on Fridays. Last Friday we talked to sixty women about the importance of only feeding their babies breast milk for the first six months. Then we filled out health cards and they all got vaccinated for several different ailments as well as weighed. The health center is very efficient and I was pretty impressed at how unnecessary I was; in fact I was more in the way than anything! That seems to be happening a lot lately.

Elaina

Well, I'm still in Cotonou. I've been here for 4 days now. I chipped my tooth Friday night while munching on some dark chocolate peanut M&Ms and watching the West Wing. Apparently it was my time, because that is just pretty lame. Not even a cool African related incident, just...M&Ms. So I came to Cotonou on Sunday to meet with the dentist. But of course, the bureau was closed on Monday because of the holiday. I quickly ran out of money on transportation and eating here for two days. I saw the dentist yesterday and he filled in my tooth. It looks fine, but feels strange. But I can't leave because I don't have any money. We won't get paid for a couple more weeks yet, so I need to get my reimbursement in cash...which is something unusual and apparently really difficult to do in a timely manner. But, I understand they're all busy. But I'm trapped here. If I had not chipped my tooth and stayed in Djougou, money would have been tight, but I can eat on less than 500 F a day if necessary, so I would have been fine. But travel here and back? Nope. The good news is that I got to watch True Blood and GLEE, season two. I hear my little brother Oliver is into Glee as well, so that rocks super hard. I also started watching Weeds, the shotime show about the suburban widow who sells pot and I am seriously loving it, but that might just be because I love Mary-Louise Parker so much and see her character as an extention of the sexy white house politico from the West Wing. Ah.

Ok, that's my life right now. Hopefully I'll make it back to Djougou tomorrow. Next Monday we're starting a family planning campagin in the village and i'm working with the midwife nurse to put in birth control implants and talk to village women about different bc types. I'm super stoked about it; it's a week long campaign and it sounds pretty baller.

take it easy, send tuna.

So I have some more thoughts that I need to get out about this. And, remember, I do not speak for the Peace Corps or the US or Beninese government...I'm just one volunteer, a cog in the machine, a brick in the wall. So, okay.

I've been reading a few of the volunteers' blogs on peacecorpsjournals.com about the special; I was just curious about what some of them thought about the whole thing. I was really surprised to see the level of ABC bashing and the huge amount of support for the Peace Corps as an organization. I mean, I understand that Applicants need to not say anything worthwhile on their blog. But, other volunteers? I refuse to believe that all these other volunteers can so easily write off the news story as "bad journalism," purely sensationalistic crap, and then in the same sentence give support to the both Kate's family AND the Peace Corps administration. I just can't accept that they are all just blindly throwing support to the Peace Corps as this great and wonderful organization saving the world. I mean, come on. Yeah, the 20/20 special was muckraking, sensational, incendiary and tear-jerking and it damn well needed to be. It's been almost two years since her murder and the Peace Corps certainly isn't getting the American public invested or the Beninese government for that matter. I can completely understand turning toward the media. At least people are talking about it now. Ongoing investigation my ass. There are 4 lawyers in this country.

Look, guys. It's not like a random volunteer was murdered and people are upset that the Peace Corps is mishandling the case and not giving us details. That's not what's frustrating to me and to other PC/Benin volunteers here. Peace Corps Benin specifically caused her murder. She brought attention to the behavior of one of her fellow teachers by a private email that was inappropriately forwarded to the coworker's brother, one of the higher ups in the PC/Benin and she was brutally murdered as retaliation for the loss of his job. Peace Corps Benin killed Kate. The story damn well better be sensationalistic.

It's nice to think that the Peace Corps administration in your country has your back. And I'm pretty sure that most of the time, in most countries, they absolutely do. I really do feel safe in Djougou. I love my community and I honestly believe in the work that I am doing here for the Peace Corps and as a representative for America. I genuinely like the good folks who work at the bureau in Cotonou, both the Americans and the host country nationals...but, it doesn't serve anyone's interests for PCVs to just close our eyes and give blanketed support to the organization. I know that the Peace Corps is great, but I also know it can be better. I feel like I have a responsibility as a PCV in Benin and as an American to criticize the Peace Corps and I'm not planning on stopping until I see this organization reach its potential.

Elaina

Hi everyone, I just wanted to let everyone know about the ABC special that aired yesterday about Kate's murder. As I type this I am attempting to load it, but the internet...(surprise surprise) is pretty spotty right now. Go ahead and try it! I hear it was pretty intense/sensationalistic and the first 30 seconds that I've managed to see definitely confirms that.

So, the Peace Corps in Washington doesn't seem to be too pleased. We all received a text today alerting us that an official response was up on the website. I got myself to the cyber cafe and found this:

ABC's program is deeply troubling and does not accurately reflect Peace Corps' unwavering commitment to our volunteers. The health and safety of our volunteers is the single most important priority for our agency. We are consistently reviewing and improving our global operations to ensure that we are doing our best to keep our volunteers healthy, safe and productive.

"We cannot comment on the ongoing investigation into the 2009 murder of volunteer Kate Puzey in Benin or do anything else that could risk compromising that investigation or the possibility of a successful prosecution. Peace Corps does not have a role in the ongoing investigation, but we have been assured that the Benin government is supporting the legal process necessary to conclude the investigation and begin a trial. The Department of State and the FBI have been working with the Benin authorities.

"Kate represented the best America has to offer the world with her dedication to her community and commitment to public service. Kate's death was a tragic loss for the Peace Corps. We continue to grieve with the Puzey family and Kate's friends. It is my sincere hope that justice is served both for Kate and her family. I would like to offer my apologies to the Puzey family if either the former leadership or the agency under my direction could have been more compassionate. Personally, it is heartbreaking to learn that they ever felt abandoned by the Peace Corps. This has never been our intent.

"Under my leadership, the Peace Corps has been implementing reforms to enhance the quality of Peace Corps service. These reforms include strengthening all health and safety measures. We do everything we can to keep our volunteers safe, and for those who sadly fall victim to crime, we do everything we can to support them in their recovery. The women interviewed by 20/20 are courageous and strong. Their stories are heartbreaking. Since their service, Peace Corps has improved sexual assault prevention procedures and practices, and we will continue to be responsive to the victims of assault and provide comprehensive care.

"We will never be able to eliminate volunteers' exposure to crimes overseas, but we will work continuously to maximize the safety and health systems supporting our volunteers. This is my pledge to Americans serving today and to the volunteers of tomorrow."

The Peace Corps released their initial statement to ABC 20/20 as well as a response and you can find it here:

"January 11, 2011During the production of your story and the interview with Deputy Director Carrie Hessler-Radelet, thePeace Corps has made it clear that, in the interest of justice for Kate Puzey and her family, we will not comment on the ongoing investigation into the murder of Kate Puzey or do anything else that could risk compromising that investigation or any prosecution of the case.It is understandable that the Puzey family wants more information about what happened to their daughter.

Kate’s family has our deepest sympathies for their tragic loss, and the Peace Corps is united with the Puzey family in the pursuit of justice for Kate. We have also put into place new protocols that respond to the concerns expressed by the Puzeys on how the agency supports the families of fallen volunteers. Peace Corps does not have a role in the ongoing investigation, but we have been assured that the Benin government is supporting the legal process necessary to conclude the investigation and begin a trial. The Department of State and the FBI have been working with the Benin authorities.

Peace Corps manages a comprehensive approach to volunteer safety and security. We always are working to improve and strengthen our training and operations for our staff and volunteers abroad. We will never be able to entirely eliminate volunteers’ exposure to crimes overseas, but we will continue to do our best to make Peace Corps a safe and productive experience for the Americans serving as volunteers today and in the future.

A second component to your story covers the concerns of Peace Corps volunteers who have been raped or sexually assaulted while serving abroad. When anything happens to one of our volunteers, we do our best to offer comprehensive support through medical, counseling, and legal services. We are unwavering in our efforts to strengthen our approach to volunteer safety and security.

Since August 2009, when Aaron Williams became Director of the Peace Corps, the agency has put into place measures to improve our security and support operations. The Peace Corps has developed an enhanced agency wide sexual assault prevention and response strategy. This plan is designed to expand the depth and breadth of the agency’s ability and commitment to prevent and respond to sexual assaults. Accordingly, we have undertaken a comprehensive study of best practices in the field of sexual assault prevention, met with leaders in the field ofrape prevention and response, written new guidelines for responding to rapes and major sexual assaults for use by overseas staff, developed a statement of Peace Corps’ commitment to victims of sexual assault, and updated the agency’s incident reporting system.Although we have made significant progress in strengthening our security and support operations, we know that more needs to be done. We are committed to implementing additional reforms this year and in the future to improve all aspects of volunteer service. As we proceed, we will keep listening to our volunteers and returned volunteers. In addition, we will continue to seek advice and counsel from outside experts and other government agencies on how to improve our security and support systems.

Peace Corps is proud that the vast majority of volunteers feel safe in the areas where they live and work. According to the 2010 Annual Volunteer Survey, 87 percent of our volunteers reported that they were usually safe or very safe where they live and 91 percent reported the same where they work. Peace Corps remains firmly committed to the safety and security of our volunteers. It is our top priority. If ABC News’ 20/20 needs more information on our global operations as you edit your piece, we are available to provide additional data and information to ensure that your program is fair and accurate."

So I don't really want to editorialize too much, but damn, man. I think the Peace Corps fucked up with both the initial situation and the handling of her death. I continue to be surprised that this program stayed open at all. When a trial didn't happen in November, we should have left then. We should have said "Benin, take care of this and if you don't, we're gone."

There is a fundamental difference between Beninese law and the American concept of justice. We believe we should have a fair trial and the guilty should be made to reap what they have sewn. Innocent until proven guilty. Here you're guilty unless proven innocent and since there is little doubt of the killers' participation in the crime, the Benin government feels that justice is being served by having them just rot away in jail without seeing trial. But that's not very American, and shouldn't the murder of an American volunteer have some sort of American concept of justice as closure for her family and a nation? We want a trial, it would be easy as pie for a trial to happen. I'm at the point where I am going to write a fucking letter to Hillary Clinton with 100 signatures of current Peace Corps Benin volunteers urging her to make a call that could completely get things going here. It's about damn time...and now I'm done with my comments haha.

Thoughts? Concerns?

January 09, 2011

8:42pm

I have finally gotten back to my place after what has been a month of travels and holidays. Colt has been and gone, we’ve rung in the new year, my three month integration period is officially over, and in less than a week, my stage will have been in country for half a year. Before I delve too much into that whole passage of time thing, I thought I’d let everyone know that this Friday, the 14th, 20/20 is supposed to be airing the special on Kate Puzey’s death. Please tune in and someone send me a copy!

Colt was here for almost 15 days and it feels like we built a little life for us here during his time. Christmas morning was a blur of travel to Djougou and we basically showered and crashed into bed for several hours. I think he had been traveling for like 40 hours or something by that point. We woke up on the 26th and did our Christmas morning then. We took lots of ridiculously adorable photos and made dinner…tacos! Then we basically spent the rest of the week eating local food and watching an insane amount of 30 Rock and Inception (I almost convinced him to let me watch it a third time, but he convinced me to watch some Californication instead). We enjoyed each other’s company and fell into a lovely sort of routine that involved meeting up with some of my friends here, eating too much, and seeing my village. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. New Years’ was rung in with card games, cake, and champagne. Colt read Ender’s Game while I continued to gavage myself with 30 Rock and we started to get a little sick of each other. I think the constant cold showers started to get to him…no hot water and it is damn cold in the mornings here during Harmattan. We smoked some hookah on my roof the last day we were in Djougou and got yam pilee once more with cold cokes and then watched Pineapple Express and giggled like dorks while we cuddled. Ahhh. Then we stayed two nights in Cotonou where we just ate out at all the nice places I can never afford (Chinese, Thai, Lebanese, etc) and his last day we spent at the workstation while I was sick and throwing up for several hours (good timing!). He held me, though, and although we ended up not getting to go out to Indian food that night like we’d planned, it was nice to just spend those last hours alone and close. I did feel sort of guilty though…but I guess I shouldn’t have tried to be so macho and drink the shower water. That’s what I get haha. His flight left on the 7th late at night and he has safely arrived back home and had Christmas with his family. I sent a bunch of random African gifts for him to disperse to various people, just little trinkets and stuff, nothing fancy (I am so broke right now!). It was a wonderful visit, we took lots of pictures and videos, and hopefully the next 8 months and 3 weeks will pass by without hardly any notice at all! Yeah, we’ll see about that. =(

Hmm, let’s see…what else? Big projects are starting to get going now that I’m allowed to really jump into work…several girls and boys camp meetings are going on this month and I am going to get back into going to the health center regularly in addition to my time at the office. I need to get some scrubs made for the maternity so I can help with births, but until then I am going to help out a midwife nurse when she inserts IUDs and Norplant birth control. The Peace Corps has restructured some of its goals so that now what was my primary project (sexual health and family planning) is now technically a secondary project…so I also need to try to get more involved with the maternal health side and do more prenatal consultations and stuff with the midwives. In a really bullshit red tape move, the Peace Corps noticed that volunteers weren’t meeting family planning goals, so instead of giving us more training or directive, they just decided to abolish that program as a major source of focus, thereby making the stats look better, but not fixing the underlying issue. That’s just one example in a growing list of examples about Peace Corps administrative bureaucracy that seriously hinders volunteers’ ability to effectively work abroad. Sigh. Onto more pleasant things…

Er…yeah, I got nothing. Oh! Next month I’m going to Pendjari, the national park, with Andrew and Krista, Eric, and a couple other people. I had originally planned on going with Colt when he was here…but well, that didn’t work out. So too bad for him, I guess I’ll just send him a picture of the awesome lions I’ll see!

It’s hard to believe I’ve been here for 6 months already. Time has really flown by it seems and yet it feels like I’ve been here for soooo long. For some reason I can feel like I just boarded the plane from Kansas City a couple weeks ago and also feel like I’ve been here for years simultaneously. I guess it was the same thing in college; day to day felt insanely drawn out, but by the time I graduated, I felt like I’d just blinked and it was over. I do wish I would have savored my time at Wellesley a little more, but I think I did okay. Similarly, I think I’ll do fine here in my looking toward the future and yet relishing my moments in the present. I suppose there will a time when I look back on my service and wish that I would have just been more involved in the day to day small things and knowing that keeps me a little more grounded even though I just want it to be a year from now so badly. The time will come, though, and probably sooner than I think I’ll be saying goodbye.

And when I do…I’ll be a vegetarian again. Because right now…well, I’m not. Not exactly. I’ve decided to be an Afri-tarian. I only eat meat while I’m here in Africa. I’m just so protein deficient especially if I want to avoid palm oil fried wagasi. I’m also basically a vegetarian for economic reasons stemming from the commercial meat industry in the United States, which clearly does not exist here. So I’m eating fish and poultry which I haven’t eaten since 2004. The chickens here are all free range and crustaceans are basically just big bugs anyway. I’m actually sort of grabbing onto meat eating with gusto. I was calling myself a ‘meatatarian’ for a while, especially while gnawing the bones of a particularly tasty guinea fowl when colt was here. I’m planning on enjoying it while I can and reverting back when I finish up here, although there is something to be said about spending my money on free range meat in the United States as it adds an even more forceful economic incentive for companies to use humane treatment of their livestock. I’m not sure, we’ll see.

Moving on…Medical school packets for the advisory committee are due in a couple weeks so I need to really get cracking on that. Hopefully that will keep me busy enough to not count down the days until I see Colt again. I need to have an awesome application so I can go home to interview!

And speaking of that, I wanted to publicly declare that Colt and I are clenched into a competitive battle to lose weight. Whoever reaches their goal weight first gets to decide the number of children we’ll have in the future. This is not a decision he will get to make. Thus I must win. So please, no one send me pasta or sugar. If it’s in my house I’ll eat it, but if it’s not, then I will be the champion. Send Colt, however, lots and lots of goodies. I’ll update my wish list to include canned or packaged tuna and mints instead of chocolate and velveeta cheese…as much as that pains me.

I guess that’s it for now…things should start to get back to a semblance of routine, or at least as routine as is possible in Benin. For example, tomorrow is a voodoo national holiday and I don’t have to go in to work. Hello, Lord of the Rings marathon! My life is sort of awesome, yeah?

See ya when I see ya,

Elaina

I am here at the Cotonou workstation and everyone is filing out, off to join friends and visitors in various beaches and cities throughout the country. There will still be a few of us in the workstation tonight and we're getting massages later today. I've been setting up my Pandora profile and listening to a lot of holiday music, but there's just something a bit...off...about the season here. It's the warmth, sure, but there's just no Christmas spirit in the air. Up north in Djougou, for example, there are a couple places with lights up, but for the most part, no one celebrates Christmas the way I'm used to. Back home, it's not really just a Christian holiday, it's an American holiday and means a lot more than just Jesus and presents...there's like an aura that fills the streets...and all the music and lights and tinsel and evergreen trees wrapped in stringed sparkles and golden ornaments? Man, that's just not here. Even in the South, where people are largely Christian and put up decorations around the cities, something is missing. There are cheap plastic toys with bright colors and lights everywhere, but it's almost like Benin has captured all the commercialism of American Christmas, but none of the goodwill toward others, love of humanity, doing nice things because it's the season for kindness, and just general Christmas spirit. Maybe it's just because it's still like 90 degrees outside? I don't know, I'm just really missing the smell of eggnog and cinnamon, snow and wintery breezes. I miss that moment late at night on Christmas eve when I sneak out of my room after everyone else has gone to sleep and I can just enjoy the last few minutes before the hectic morning. I sit quietly in the livingroom with all the lights turned off except the twinkling of the lights around the tree illuminating the brightly wrapped presents and casting shadows over the stillness. I love that, just sitting and feeling like there's something like magic so tangible I can almost touch it. That feeling is just. not. here.

But despite all that, I am pretty damn happy right now. Good friends, good drinking, I got some vanilla pretzels in the mail today, all is right in the world. I just watched "I just had sex" by the Lonely Island and I have to say, almost as good as "I'm on a boat." Not quite, but close.

Oh yeah, and Colt's getting here in a few hours. What now, bitches??!

Merry Christmas!!!

Elaina

So colt is not coming to Benin tonight. If he had made his flight with his visa and passport he'd be getting here in Cotonou in exactly 2 hours. But he didn't get his visa/passport back from the benin embassy in time and so he didn't get on a flight to Benin and so he won't be getting here in 2 hours...in fact he might not be coming here at all unless he gets his visa/passport before his next scheduled flight which he set for the 24th. Nothing is set in stone, I should have known better than to get so hopeful, but I can't help it. I always hope and I always put all my damn eggs in one basket and when they break I'm always surprised even though it was the hundredth time and I'd do it again in a heartbeat. So, long story longer, I was angry, than sad, than angry, than numb, and now I'm just tentatively optimistic. I'd...um...sort of like to see him, you know? But I'm done ranting and crying and complaining to everyone around me. I think everyone here is sick of me...especially since I spent the last like five days complaining at least four times a day about how much the the humidity in the south sucks!

Good things: I bought a hookah for not too expensive and smoked some delicious apple/vanilla tobacco at Kara's amazing second story apartment in Cotonou. It was wonderful and relaxing and really helped take my mind off of...that really really unpleasant stuff in the paragraph preceding this one...ha. We went up on the roof and watched stars and airplanes coming into the airport...although it was really depressing thinking about how colt wasn't...er...on one of those planes approaching West Africa right now. Ok, fine, let me say one more thing about the suckiness of this whole thing. Like ten people have friends, family, and lovers coming to visit this week and I'm just like in this unpleasant limbo listening to people talking about it and ugh. it sucks. I mean, the other guy's fiance's flight got in tonight at like 11:30pm and I was totally on the roof when her plane touched down and i was totally bummed. But than someone made a joke about sheep and boredom and well, all was good for a while.

Other good things: this extra time means i can actually clean my house, buy some food, and get clothes from the tailor before colt (maybe) arrives.

Bad things: We can't go on safari anymore and I had to cancel our reservation for that. I don't think we can afford to go now, either in time or money since he had to pay like the majority of the ticket price in order to just switch the dates of his departure. He would still have to go back to the US the same original day, the 5th. So that sucks.

Other bad things: I find it unlikely that there will be enough money for me to get a refridgerator. And i'm not gonna lie, at this point I was almost more excited for that than colt. Almost.

Good things: I bought three cans of diet coke to take back to Djougou. I was going to wait and put them in the fridge, but I don't think I'll be able to wait just to be disappointed, you know. I think I'll be drinking them during this next few days of really intense waiting.

Other good things: I purchased some champagne at Erevan for colt's (hopefully) visit/christmas. I was really proud because I talked to the guy for a while about what was the best brand for my money...i really wasn't prepared to spend the 30 mille for real champage, so i convinced him that good sparkling wine would work and got a good bottle for 4 mille. GO ME!

More happiness thoughts to keep my sanity: the Cotonou workstation is almost completely decked out in Twilight posters which makes my heart sing whenever I see taylor lautner smiling out at me.

Also: I am going to try to get Anthony Bordain from NO RESERVATIONS to come to Benin. We've all decided that I am the one in charge of creating the suggestion letter and sending it to him. We think a Peace Corps themed show in 2011 is perfect because it's the 50th year anniversary for the Peace Corps and it's like the premier volunteering organisation in the world and well, you know, television shows like that stuff. Doug and Kim are applying for the Amazing Race, so it only makes sense to jump in on this. He can stay at my house and I'll take him to this awesome yam pilee place...yes, I'm seriously stoked about it. Actually, if someone wants to download NO RESERVATIONS episodes and send them to me, I'd be really really happy and love you forever.

Also: Just read NEW MOAN, a Twilight parody that Dana sent me and it was probably the best thing ever (in contrast to the title of this blog post haha). Thank you DANA and FAMILY!

AND: SWIMMING!! The American ambassdor opens up his swimming pool to Peace Corps volunteers each Saturday afternoon and this was the first time I happened to be in Cotonou on a Saturday so I went swimming with Eric and Heather and Kara and a bunch of other volunteers. It was glorious and even though I only had a bra and panty combo, I felt like I was in America for a few hours...somewhere in America with palm trees and poorly constructed french...but still. I definitely got a bit sunburned.

I've decided that I am going to start going to mosque more frequently like probably once a week. I like my headscarf, I like the rituals, it's relaxing and really helps me integrate into the community, which is really difficult to do in a larger city like mine. And I can learn local language that way and even work on my casual Arabic which is really kick ass.

OH! Another good thing: I got a Dendi practice book to study! I'm going to learn so much I cannot wait. All the mamans qui vendent les choses will sit through my practicing and love it so much I've never had anyone so excited by my education except for maybe my dad when I was like 8. Ah, it's so exciting!

Hmmm, quelle autre? I love air conditioning and there's a lot of it this week....er....hmmm. I'm taking a FREE shuttle up to Djougou on Monday instead of the bus, so I'm saving some money, right on with your right on. Keep on with your keepin' on. Yeah, i should probably go shower and go to bed now...colt's nonflight would be getting here in one hour and 20 minutes and I'd be getting picked up from the workstation to head over to the airport in like 15 minutes.

Wow, these next few days are going to be awful. But (hopefully, the eggs! the eggs! one basket! faire doucement!) when he gets here, all will be remedied. At least after I give him the silent treatment for a whole five minutes or something.

Interservice Training has been super boring and also awesome. We've been able to all see each other and hang out with dance parties on the roof of Songhai and Israelis, moto crashes, project designing tools, local language practice, practice sensibilizations, and very couth evenings of johnny walker red and coke. I must say it's been practical and interesting and amusing. Imorou is definitely the homologue who walks the walk and talks the talk which is not always as awesome as it sounds.

I had forgotten how muggy and humid it is in the south. it sucks. i had also forgotten how to discuter zem prices and deal with the super aggressiveness of the fon people. i miss djougou and my bed and shower although we are sleeping in air conditioning now.

i saw the host family and had more conversation with them than i did in like the 9 weeks i actually lived with them. i think my french has definitely improved ou bien i am just less terrified of speaking now and making crazy mistakes.

So I'd like to type more about this bountiful week but all i can think about is the fact that colt is on a plane right now getting ready to land in new york...and then he'll be IN BENIN with MEEEEE in like a day and a half (ok, it's precisely 31 and a half hours not like I'm counting down or anything).

We are going on safari, and rocking it in djougou and having soooo much...FUN!

So, yeah, I probably won't update or be on facebook or talk to another human being until 2011. So, sorry in advance and HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

love and miss you all, please send letters and chocolate,

xoxo

e

My first big PSI event went wonderfully! I'll try to get some pictures up soon to show you all, but there were hundreds of people! Speakers and performers and awards and dancers! It was great and I took a bunch of pictures of all the activities. I handed out condoms and was PSI's official videographer. A few of us set up various tents for free dèpistage (HIV testing). The day was almost six hours long, but a delicious meal of french fries and johnny walker red awaited us at the end! This place is crazy sometimes but I wouldn't have it any other way,

E

So all of us received an email from our country director and he informed us of his sadness about ''all the rumors'' going around about Kate's death and the Peace Corps. From what I've gathered, the email from the RPCVs do not encourage rumors at all, but gave us information for the first time since arriving here. But, I know the administration is hindered in what they can actually tell us and I'm sure they're frustrated by that as well. See how understanding I can be?

Basically, there will not be a 20/20 special in December and according to our CD, it probably won't air until January. But the ABC TV crews were here in Benin for interviews and to get footage of her village in Badjoudé, about 20 kilometers from me to the west and right on the Togo border.

From his email:

''Crimes committed against Peace Corps Volunteers overseas generally fall under the legal jurisdiction of the government of the country in whichthe crime was committed. In this case, the government of Benin is conducting the investigation into this matter. The Peace Corps has no direct role in the criminal investigation into Kate's death, and we have only limited information about the status of that investigation. The investigation is ongoing, and this phase, which is conducted by a judge,will be the foundation for an eventual trial. A trial date cannot be scheduled until the investigation is completed. We have been assured by senior officials in the Government that they are committed to doing everything possible to find out what happened and to bring justice.''

I am trying very hard not to fault the PC/Benin administration with their handling of the entire situation and to a certain extent it really does seem like their hands are tied. Why doesn't the murder of an American citizen concern the legal processes in America? It sort of seems like it should, right? I know that I would like to think that justice will be served America style if something were to happen to me overseas. Does it really not work that way? Is justice completely at the hands of the host country, no matter how sophisticated or inept? Because that is a little bit scary.

Anyway, that is all the news I have for now for the public. I have to be careful not to, ''even inadvertantly'' compromise the investigation.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I spent the last two days in Natitingou just chillaxing and eating and ended up sick yesterday which sucked. So I stayed last night because I didn't think I wanted to puke on the taxi. But I am good now and we're getting ready to leave to head back to Djougou and thank goodness because I really miss my house and my shower and my food and my bed....mmmmm.

Thanksgiving dinner was decent, potatoes, green beans, and many different kind of pies. We watched Avatar and 12 Monkeys and all was good and relaxing. I really missed the family, though. I think I talked to everyone at some point and definitely spent an insane amount of money on credit...think like a month's worth in one day. But it was totally worth it!

I got packages, too! But only a couple...one from mom and one from Colt's family that had birthday stuff in it. See, they get here eventually!

Sorry this update is so lame; I am using someone's computer and they need it back soon!

Miss and love you all,

E

PS I'm very glad I didn't get Jeffrey Sach's tattooed on me. Just sayin'

As many of you know or have heard, Catherine (Kate) Puzey was a volunteer here in Benin who was killed last year in March. The details surrounding her murder have been frustratingly concealed from us as current volunteers and her family as sections from the following letter will show. Kate served as an English teacher in Badjoudé, a town close to Djougou, where I live. In fact, my post is the closest Peace Corps post to her town. When we arrived in Benin this summer we were informed of the event and there was an informal discussion about the events surrounding her death. I was surprised to find out the depth of involvement from higher ups in the Peace Corps Benin and I am actually continuously surprised at the fact that Peace Corps/Benin did not get completely discontinued. I am glad it hasn't, though. At least not yet. The trial is supposed to start this month, but has been delayed for various reasons. On December 3rd there will be a feature about Kate's death on 20/20 that I hope you all tune in for. While this was a very specific, isolated incident that in no way jeapardizes the safety of current volunteers, it is incredibly important for all Peace Corps administration and volunteers and thus all Americans to pay attention and prevent it from happening again.

Many names have been left out to protect privacy and I am including the letter here solely in order to provide information to the public and those concerned about Benin in particular. This email was forwarded to all currently serving Peace Corps Volunteers (PCVs) in Benin as well as many recently Returned Peace Corps Volunteers (RPCVs) from two RPCVs who knew Kate well and is in no way an official document related to the current investigation:

Dear All,

Hello!! How are all of you?? We (-) certainly hope life is

treating all the

TEFLer's grandly! It's really a shame that the writing of

this email is the

catalyst for contact for some of us - we all now

understand the "preciousness"

of constant contact, and yet time goes by.

Blerg. Regardless, we think of all of

you often! Well we're just going to

dive right in. And we're not really sure how

to approach this, so bear with

us. A lot, a lot has gone down since we all left

Benin, in terms of Kate and

the impending trial. Not to make excuses, but it's

been really difficult for

us to sit with all of the information we're going to

share, and not know

when the appropriatetime to disperse it is. We'll get to it

a little later,

but there will be some publicity regarding Kate and the Peace

Corps soon, so

we knew it was time to write this email. Since coming back to the

States,we've been in consistent, close contact with the Puzey's. Through

this,

we've been privilege to a lot of knowledge that we otherwisewouldn't

have been,

as the Peace Corps has done a mighty fine job ofkeeping

information out of our

(all of our) hands, both asformer/present volunteers

and friends of Kate. We're

not sure whoknows what at this point, so we're

just going to start at the

beginning.Towards the start of our 2009 February break from school, -- went

to

Badjoude. While there, Kate expressed concern about C-- (J--'s brother, the

language facilitator for Health) and stories she'd been told of his raping

and

humiliating two of his young students. She also was led to believe that

he

breached his contract byhaving a relationship with at least one

stagiaire.

Because of this information, as well as her own knowledge of

C--'s general

sliminess/coming to classes drunk/etc., Kate knew she needed

to bringthis to

Admin's attention. She spent a lot of time trying to

decidethe best way to

contact S--. She eventually chose email, and sent the

attached note to S--,

CCing F--, on February 27, 2009. We've also attached

theresponses Kate received.

As you can see from the chain, S--and F--

quickly took to heart what Kate told

them. However, Kate never knew this.

She sent the email on Friday from

Natitingou. She left for Badjoude (no

internet) on March 1, 2009. To be fair, at

somepoint during the two weeks

Kate was in Badjoude she received a callfrom M--.

I remember getting a few

texts from Kate about this, but I can't remember

specifically what she was

told. I do know that she was made aware that Peace

Corps was "handling" the

situation, and M-- asked if Kate would be interested in

legal action being

taken against C--for the raping of students. Because that

knowledge was

hearsay, Kate said she didn't think that was yetappropriate. This

is the

only indication we have that Kate would have any idea that Admin was

taking

her email seriously.We want to interject here. We assume you all remember

All Vol at DuLac in March 2008. One of the biggest issues tirelessly

discussed

was the refusal by Admin to not use email as a valid method of

quick

communication. Case in point. Kate never received the emails that you

see

attached. She also never knew that on March 10, C-- received

a letter

letting him know that he would no longer be contractually

employed by the Peace

Corps. (For the record, we're unsure if any

disciplinary action was taken by the

school.) Kate was killed either the

night of March 11 or the morning of March

12. In this email, we're trying

very hard to be as diplomatic as possible, but

there are times, like this

one, when that just seems insane. By emailing Kate

instead of calling, Peace

Corps actively took her right away to make decisions

about what would be

best for her and her safety. On the night of March 11, Kate

slept, for the

first time ever alone, on her porch. Moving on. About a week after Kate's death, J--loses his security clearance. Before

the Easter break in April 2009, several of us were interviewed when the Peace

Corps Inspector

General's Office sent two investigators to Benin. We were

told by the

investigators that their purpose was to determine what, if

anything, happened in

the Peace Corps office that would have directly been

tied to Kate's

death. On May 28, 2009 F-- resigns. In mid-June 2009,

S-- announces her

intent to resign by the end of the month. Another point

tirelessly discussed at

All-Vol was Admin's constant breaching of

confidentiality. While in Benin we

speculated this had a major role in

Kate's death since ONLY S--and F--were

emailed about C--. However, we

remember being told, in vague terms, that a

former employee, a contractual

worker and a random Nigerian were incustody for

Kate's murder. At some point

(the timing is hard toremember) during the summer

of 2009, several of us

were in Parakou where it was confirmed by a former

volunteer who visited the

jail in Natitingou that both J-- and C--were in jail.

Now we're home. We're

approached by Lois (Kate's mom) to be part of a task force

to seek justice

for Kate, both in terms of a trial as well as Peace Corps

reform. Lois

expressed to us how initially the Peace Corps was sympathetic to

their loss,

but that soon turned to complete stonewalling when they started

asking

questions. Not to mention how they were notified: Kate's dad received a

phone call as he was hooked to an IV in the hospital, despite the fact that

they

live in Atlanta, one of the cities with a Peace Corps office. Her

effects were

simply dropped off some time later with no note or

representative. For several

months, we compiled information and brainstormed

various ways to affect chance.

This all came to a head in February 2010 when

we, along with Kate's parents and

her cousin Emilie, went to Washington

tomeet with Director (of the Peace Corps)

Williams, Senator Isakson, and

several other staff members for various other

Senators and Representatives.

Our goal was to present the reform we see

necessaryto ensure that nothing

like this happens again to a volunteer. This

included:

A. Better

notification practices of next of kin

B. Standard procedure for keeping

confidentiality

C. Standard procedure for ways that volunteers can notify PC

Admin

ofsensitive information

D. Standard procedure for communication

(particularly of

sensitiveinformation) between Admin and volunteers

E.

The possibility of volunteers being covered under the Whistle Blower

Protection Act

We received positive responses from all of the

Congress staff that wemet

with. Senator Isakson is still actively involved

with the Puzey'sin their seek

for justice. Our experience with the Peace

Corps, however, was quite a different

story. The Puzey's were told that

Peace Corps left them alone out of respect,

that they assumed it would be

abother to hear from them. When the Puzey's

requested the right to seethe

Inspector General report, as that would bring to

light all the steps leading

to Kate's death, they were told that the State

Department invoked exemption

7(B) of the Freedom of Information Act, that the

release of the document

could harm the outcome of the trial. Our experience was

that the Peace Corps

was completely on the defense the entire time we were

there. After this, the

Puzey's got a lawyer to continue to fight for their right

to the document.

Although the Peace Corps and State Department still refuse to

release the

report until after the trial, the Puzey's did recently meet with the

current

Inspector General, who did confirm that there was a breach of

confidentiality in the office prior to Kate's death. She wouldn't go into

more

detail, but even that confirms our speculations. In addition, the

Puzey's

recently received a letter from B--L--(the director after S--) who

has recently

retired from Peace Corps. She told the Puzey's that Peace Corps

instructed her

to in no way communicate with "the victim's family," and that

although she

couldn't go into more detail, she was sorry that Kate had died

while under the

watch of the Peace Corps. Finally, the Puzey's also recently

met with the newly

appointed Deputy Director, who is incharge

of volunteer safety, program

oversight, family support,etc. Clearly (we

think) this is in direct response to

Kate's death. She also acknowledged

that PC Benin's mishandling of the situation

led to Kate's death. One more thing. So throughout this whole process the lack

of media

attention for Kate's murder has been kind of astounding. The Puzey's are

very much interested in Kate's story being told on a national/international

platform. The sooner the better as Harry (Kate's dad) is terminally ill. The

Puzey's were approached by 20/20,and jumped at the opportunity. As part of

this

process, we were interviewed. The experience seems to have been quite

positive

and therapeutic for Kate's family. However, for us, it was really

pretty

terrible. We realize our position as former volunteers creates a

different

dynamic than that of family. Although we feel strongly that Kate's

story be told

and that Peace Corps reforms are put in place, wedidn't feel

like we were in the

position to do any speculating or namen ame's on

national television, much less

on a sensationalistic program. 20/20 wasn't

so happy with our position. We still

agreed to be interviewed, discussing

only first-hand knowledge, as the Puzey's

really wanted that. All of this to

say, the first segment of the program will be

airing in December 3, 2010 at

10pm (EST). We have no idea what to expect...The

trial, although slated to

happen this November, will not happen until who knows

when. It took pressure

from Senator Isakson's office to finally receive word

that the legal system

is still waiting on some kind of evidence that was sent to

Germany. (Every

step of the way throughout this process has been a constant

battle for

information. It's insane.) After the evidence is returned, the

Beninese

lawyer turns everything over to a judge. The judge then decides if

anything

else needs to investigated. When the judge is sure that everything is

done,

he (along with four jurors)rules on the guilt/innocence of those being

held.

As of now, we are set to accompany Emilie (Kate's cousin), Lois and Kate's

brother to Benin when the judge is ready to rule. So that's that. We know

that a

lot of information to take in. And we also know that we might not

have presented

it in entirely the clearest way possible. So please let us

know if you have any

questions. We're sending this email to all TEFL but

please pass this along to

anyone else you think should know.

Love to all,

--

I've been learning a lot of Dendi lately; the title is something I ordered for lunch today. Local language is not really necessary for me because I live in a big city where everyone speaks french, but I really enjoy learning it. Sofia and I (the German volunteer in Djougou who, who in highschool, spent a year abroad in Wichita freaking Kansas--damn it's a small world) are planning on taking Dendi lessons together. Whenever she and I hang out we speak this cool combination of french, english, quasi-german (i know a few phrases), and now some dendi. it's pretty trippy.

A good friend of mine from college is joining me in the Peace Corps world of West Africa and will be in Mali at the end of January. I know I was already getting ready to plan a Mali trip for next summer, so it works out pretty spectacularly. I'm glad someone from home will be able to commiserate now haha

So this is really just an update post...Thanksgiving is coming up and a lot of us are going to Nati. I am going to try to bake an apple pie. I am now officially helping my office here with learning english...at 7am three times a week, ugh. i have started getting ready for the med school application season as i have officially received my wellesley college admissions committee packet. I am considering adding like three more random Chicago schools since I really want to go to school there. Naturally, my top choice is Northwestern followed closely by the University of Chicago, but honestly I'd be pretty stoked to go to Rush or Loyola or where ever as long as it's in the Windy City, you know? Hmm, what else? Ah, I learned a new french phrase that perfectly sums up what i am supposed to be doing here: faire faire. It basically means that I am to make others do things, to facilitate behavior change, to help the Beninese help themselves. Faire faire.

I actually have something super important to talk about, but it deserves it's own entry, so stay tuned for next time,

Elaina