So much better than last year's january. South American summer 2012.

had a good day. felt good. once you let go, it usually ends up going well. the ups and down of being in the peace corps. if there is anything else as much adventurous as this, as challenging, as amazing, bring it. nothing beats it.

it hasn't been an easy couple of weeks. i've had very stressful days that had something to do with getting the kids pasaje for the leadership camp. then there's the little hassles that went along with it. getting back from vacation, from uruguay, i really didn't know what i would do this last 8 months of being here. this january also is my first year anniversary being here in santa rosa. just reminiscing, thinking back on how sad and lonely was the move, and how frustrating it was, kinda put me in the edge. feeling like in a downhill mood. needs to shake it off.

started the ahecha (to see, in guarani) project with the kids and will have the first revising class tomorrow. we will see the photos that the kids have taken. they are ranged from around 14-16 years old. it's the only thing that's keeping me together right now in terms of work this summer. the local government had just switched over to the new regime and walking in there before the leadership camp, i felt like i'm new again in this town. the people there wondering what the hell i'm doing there again. i have a feeling it may take awhile again for them to get use to as to them themselves seems to have no idea what's going on or are still figuring out what is what and who is who in the municipality. the only person that is certain is the mayor, and from there, everyone doesn't know what position they are holding. that's how disorganized it is around here. what's more of a problem is that the previous people who was in position wouldn't walk through the people now on things from the previous work. what happens is that when the mayor change, the whole office change, and nobody cares on passing along or picking up from where they left off. everything, everyone, has to start from scratch. as to what part of my frustrations and me being discourage is that if they can't organize themselves nor help one another, how can i be of assistant to them? it's the whole classic tribal problem (in our case, a small town). where a tribe is ruined, if internally they can't keep it together.

seems like i'm back on feeling the same feelings i had when i first move here last year, around this same time. january. maybe it's the summer, the heat, having no school, kids being on vacation, it could, or more likely because of all of it.

but the most important part is that i've been through it, i think i can be better, i know i will get through it. right now, i feel like all i have to do is take it again one day at a time. it usually works better that way in this kind of environment.

MERRY XMAS and a HAPPY ESPECTACULAR NEW YEAR!!!( I will be in this premise during the holidays, life is good! Thank you LORD! )

well, it woke up. my inspiration. i found some. this practice of finding images that captures your thoughts and feelings is really helping. they make them more come to life in a way that it makes it sort of more tangible and alive. atleast to me. i can read them better. a bit more clearer.

this images stint seems to be wearing out. in the city with the pumpest speed and yet nothing captures me, maybe one.

on another note, thanksgiving came and go. had a good time and was a complete debauchery. played music, ate jurassic amount of food, and hung out with the little PC rounding circle.

back in Asuncion, some errands to run then back to site. I have a feeling december will fly, I hope it's better this year.

how do you solve a problem like maria?

"harry potter: the cockblocker."

"this shit is just not fair"

my friend pepe made this today for a friend. from his story, i think it's great and epic. it's fucking magic!

and most importantly, it relates...

what i have right now: slow living, small town, not much going around, sleepy, serenity, landlocked, natural, raw, isolated, free.

what i want next: water body, coastal, beach, waves, warm, busy, bustling but quite, balance, easy, cultured, art, comfortable, responsible living economically, and love.

margarito is way taller than manny, but manny is way faster and much a heaver puncher than the mexican.--------------------------------

i really don't want to loathe nor think of possibilities, im not obsessing about it. i just need to hear and to be heard. to speak and be spoken to, that's all.. and that all comes in time.

this reminds me of my uncle's house growing up.

funny.

another one. this is just very sweet, it makes me smile.

epic shiiiit...

the fucking man.i like chin up. it gives me that solid, confident, but also tingling feeling.

let's have breakfast.

sometimes, my head goes like this for this particular person.

I miss the great soil and good soul of Virginia...

You know the story of the poor man who prays to God asking for him to win the lottery?

One day a poor guy prays to God asking for him to win the lottery.

He did this everyday. Hundred of days, several of years.

Until one day, he realized and asked himself, "Why have I not won the lottery? I have praying for all this years now"

Then God finally spoke back to him and said, "Son, buy a ticket."

I feel and think like I just won the jackpot. Boom.

rule.

the neighbor was playing another song, bachata, franky reyes' "quien eres tu?" it was hitting the spot. then it led me to mocedades' "eres tu". having a spanish jam session in the middle of the afternoon. i heard mocedades from my host brother in training and off the bat, i was hooked. classic spanish music. one of the many great things i've learned from traveling and living abroad is music. really is amazing. it has broaden my horizon and added some more taste in my plate. now every time i hear "eres tu" it just melts me away. i want to say it's telling me something, but i'll just say i'm enjoying this music just to to keep it level and live it up. i did some research and this song made it 2nd in a euro music competition, or something major all over europe in the 70's. no wonder. it's 2010, and it's still great.

here, give it a listen and take a notice on that line-up! what a bunch of angels...

“If you cannot find peace within yourself, you will never find it anywhere else”

Well, sometimes you need a lift to do that. Today, I found it in one of the most simplest form. I was teaching the librarian at the high school a typing skills program in the computer. While he was typing away the most redundant letters, words, formations and structures of word, I was thinking or thought of life as to how it relates to the simple tasks. Simple for me, typing, since I have a background of it. But for him, it's something rigorous, something new, that he has not experience yet. It's in the practice of this movement that he types away. Same letter, same words, same actions. But I wondered what was on his mind. Since it was natural to me to type away now, I can step out and divert my mind to something else. Something deeper to what the action is. And I thought of it as in life. You never really know what you're doing, or what you're doing it for, but later in life, it will serve something. That everything has a purpose. It may not be for what you thought it would be, but at some point, one way or another, everything you're learning, as long as you're learning, will have a purpose. Just like him, who was typing away this letters, the whole exercise will have a meaning and a purpose may it not be what he thinks of it would be. It's the application of the experience that we really learn what we have learned. Not the learning process. That was just a glimpse that life have given me today. And I can assure you that I was not on drugs. Just the coffee, the two eggs, some rolls, and with some uncanny attention.

Everything is connected. Everything relates. You just have to pay attention to them. Take the time for it and give it some thoughts. It's the awareness I think, is the most difficult part of it. Being aware of what's happening around you, and how it relates to you, how it affects you, your thoughts, your life, how you make it, and yourself.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day. Letters to a Young Poet."

- Rainer Maria Rilke

Beef with big bones, potatoes, carrots, onions, garlic, a dash of salt and pepper, some oregano, and aji molido, then voila, after an hour or so, you've got yourself a puchero. Add rice to that and you're on it. I made it today for lunch and it's going for its 3rd servings... Maybe will be even better tomorrow morning or for lunch. Puchero is pretty much a stew, you sauté the garlic and onions, throw in your beef, add some water then toss all your veggies. After its first boil, you then add your seasonings. Wait for it, feel it, once you feel good about it, then it's done. Mine turned out pretty good today. It grabbed the essence of any hole in the wall (more like side street), or someone's kitchen's taste... Only spicier...

In other news, I feel like I'm being more destructive than constructive lately with a person who I just associated with this past month after being away from for years. It really needs to stop. I really need to put a balance. Though it's difficult, it doesn't mean it can't be done. I just told myself that.You really don't want to lose that something special. That too. Just the excitement of being connected again, there has to be another way of handling it if it doesn't make me feel good at the end. I feel like I get into that position several times before and it really needs to change. Back off, distant, just relax. Let it be, let it grow organically and just let it come naturally.

I'm doing a lot and there's a lot of work I have lined up, but I still find myself with a lot of free time. I am enjoying it, the free time, down time, plenty of it but I need to find more better things to do. I need to reconfigure somethings around.

I'm also starting to get caught up with the monotonous rhythm of the pueblo. Sometimes I can go for a good amount of time without noticing it. A whooping 3 weeks. But sometimes it can really drag you down. Sometimes, it can really throw you in a whirlwind/roller coaster of feelings. It can get you sad, bored, frustrated, depressed, all those negative feelings. When that hits you, there's no other way to cope, but to break the cycle. Stepping out, taking a break from the pueblo life, going to the city or visit somebody else's site is the way to go. Mine is coming up next weekend and I cannot wait to get out for a bit. I've been back for a couple of weeks now from vacation, but stepping out after 3 weeks seems to be appropriate at the moment. I love the pueblo life don't get me wrong, but I can only go for a certain period of time at moments. Lately, it's gotten bad that I feel like I have jailed myself in my little brick house. It must be the rain and not being able to go out on the limited places to go to. At the end though, I know I'm gonna look back to this and I know that I'm gonna miss this. Because behind all the challenges of living in the pueblo and life, I can honestly and whole heartedly say that I love my house and I love my life here in Paraguay.

"Perseverance... keeps honor bright: to have done, is to hang quite out of fashion, like a rusty nail in monumental mockery." - William Shakespeare

Been raining all weekend. I've either been watching endless runs of movies/tv shows or doing this...

Textures. Been into them lately. So many raw ones around here.

My mind flies.

Sometimes the weather reminds me of you.

I daydream.My imagination takes me there, being in a place with you.

Somewhere in Europe.Somewhere in your country.

The weather has not been easy.Reminds me of places I've been before.

Brings back memories.Brings back of images of where I've been.

Only hoping next time you're there with me.

I see it in my dreams.I see it in my ....I see it in me.

My mind flies.

Sometimes this weather reminds me of you.

I daydream.

My imagination takes me there, being in a place with you.

Somewhere in Europe.

Somewhere in your country.

This weather has not been easy.

Reminds me of places I've been before.

Brings back memories.

Brings back of images of where I've been.

Only hoping next time you're there with me.

I see it in my dreams.

I see it in my...

I see it in me.

"Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself."

- Lois McMaster Bujold

World map that I did at the elementary school here in Santa Rosa.

Made me happy, I stopped and just smiled when I was working on the Paraguayan map beside this world map today when Jose, a kid of 11 years old, who's also been stopping by my house to hang out, told me that him and his buddies and the other kids are playing a game now where one had to locate a country in this map. They were having a hard time figuring out where Germany and Switzerland he said.

Preparation for an HIV/AIDS lecture.

Yesterday, Sandra (right), stopped by my house with Marie, her sister (not in picture). Marie needed some help with a Paraguayan map project at the high school (we worked on it today), drawing and painting it on a wall. Sandra mentioned to me that while I was gone, or just getting back from my vacation, they were asked to do another HIV/AIDS lecture in another high school. She told me that it lasted for 3 hours. It encompasses what HIV/AIDS is, how it works, how to prevent it, etc... and that there was about 50 students there. Just made me smile and really proud of first, them, then our work.

RESULTS!!!

River Ypane. That's what I've missed.

I've just been reminded of the weather at the moment about my last year's October. When I was still in Bélen, the river Ypane was very accessible. Lately, just folding my board shorts reminds me of the good times then. I just love the thought of wearing a swim gear all day in a landlock country, yet there we are, easy access to the best river I've met by far in the whole of Paraguay.

"But how do we get them to be better than they think they can be? That is very difficult, I find. Inspiration, perhaps. How do we inspire ourselves to greatness when nothing less will do? How do we inspire everyone around us? I sometimes think it is by using the work of others." - Mandela

William Ernest Henley

Malidoma Somé

Back in Paraguay now. Got in from the States this morning. Trying to keep myself busy to not fall asleep so I can have a proper one this evening. It was great going back again to the States, but it's even better being back in Paraguay. I had a great time seeing my friends, my family, and being able to share moments and special events; My brother getting into the Army (to be able to go to school), John getting married, going there with Kirby, Frank and Erica having a baby, spending time with Erin, Pierre, Paige and other mutual/second degree friends in New York, meeting up Marie and a new friend Johanne, both coming from Toronto, and randomly seeing Meri in JFK on my way back to Paraguay and her going back to Japan. That was such a blessing. All of them were. A special huge thanks to Mom, Erin, Dennis, and Paige for taking me in. While I am busy keeping myself awake today, and with the inspiration given by Pepe's art and taste... Here are some picked photos from my travels back in the U. S. of A

Had to go on a secret mission that needs this photo so that I was able to visit and come back.

The main reason I flew back to visit the U. S. of A.

Kirbs.

Congratulations Frank and Erica.

Welcome to the world... The Great Francamilo...

Ben doing great things in Brooklyn.

Serious Chill Session.

With Marie and Johanne at the Apollo. Europeans love Harlem.

Tourism.

Street.

First Tattoo. Sex Me.

Marie and I.

Random Encounter with Meri at JFK. A blessing.

Fly back.

All day, I was doing computer work, sending out e-mails, filling out applications (more like paste and copying shit from last year's grant applications), and you know what I really found out...? is that logistics and writing in the computer is not really my strongest feat. That's one thing I've learned being here. You can send me out in the field, bathe me with the rays of the sun, put me in front of a crowd, work me like a mule, but sitting with the computer all day will not give me the air to breathe. I am the action man after all. Get it done!

After the not so inspiring part of the day, I called it even and did a couple of rounds at lexulous. This is Peace Corps 2010. With other volunteers, scrabble online sometimes makes the day.

But it gets better. There was a storm brewing. While all day the sky looked like it couldn't make up it's mind until it finally gave up. It hasn't rain in weeks and we could really use it. For me personally, the garden. The everyday watering them, sometimes twice, just ain't cutting it. When the sky finally started crying, the sound of every droplets were like bullets to the land. Seriously making a bomb of a sound, each drops proclaiming they are coming. After the strong gush of winds, a huge downpour for atleast 3 hours came. This resulted to no electricity, leading to no water, but not as much of an event as turning off the life of the pueblo. No electricity means no water in this pueblo. But I am not about to complain. I saved up some, enough to last 'til tomorrow before the town cap out the tank. I actually realized the need of water after I had been a couple of hours in on the blackout. The most amazing thing to notice is the silence of the pueblo during and after the rain. I think everyone, or I feel like everyone went to bed right when it got dark. It was total silence. Nothing but the sound of the frogs in the background.

The afternoon passed, with no electricity and no form of electronic entertainment (the battery of my computer ran out of juice), I found myself detached to the world. The world without man-made light and without man-made digital noise. It was freedom. I haven't found myself in this position in awhile, the last was when I was living up north in Concepcion and that was a whole different amazing experience caused by another storm. Although I enjoy the technology that man has made through our times, I appreciate some quality time being with nature and being detached from digital technology. I had company with me the storm, no electricity, my guitar, a rolled tobacco, a couple of cups of coffee, and some pure alone time. Use the imagination and picture how nice it could be because it sure was. (There was the two stray dogs hanging out in my front porch trying to find refuge from the storm. Witness to my enjoyment. I let them chill there while the storm passed.) I can honestly say, as I came into a realization while being in the experience, that what just happened this afternoon was one of the best moments in my life being here in Paraguay. I really am getting to appreciate some alone time. I am very happy with myself to the company of myself. It's a very nice feeling to have. I did smile and have a happy feeling inside. We say that there's always a calm before the storm. I can apply that in every level, in different angles, about what I've been having as my thoughts this past week about the rhythm of my work. But a BIG BUT, this time, I can say that I found the calm IN the storm.

The electricity came on. Around 9 pm. Before that, I spent the last dark 2 hours of the night reading and laughing with Troost's "The Sex Lives of Cannibal" around some candles.

Having a great encounter with myself and nature, today turned out to be a very good and memorable one. Cannot wait to peek in the garden tomorrow morning. A week from tomorrow and I'm back states side again. Congratulations to a very solid friend, John Yamashita.

It's been a bit cold and rainy all day and all I did was stay inside. I finally finished all the season of weeds and watched Invictus. Weeds, at the end, was not as entertaining when it started. Invictus, on the other hand is what I just needed for a boost. I've been feeling a bit discouraged lately and it was perfect as an inspiration. There were just lines that gave me the chills and the watery eyes. Here's a couple that is by far got me in awe.

This one is just right on the perfect timing, especially of what's been going on here with my life and what's around me lately.

Nelson Mandela: But how do we get them to be better than they think they can be? That is very difficult, I find. Inspiration, perhaps. How do we inspire ourselves to greatness when nothing less will do? How do we inspire everyone around us? I sometimes think it is by using the work of others.

And here's another from a poem by William Ernest Henley. Makes me feel a bit more concrete as to what's been a dismantling of my being.

Nelson Mandela: [reciting Invictus poem] Out of the night that covers me, black as the pit from pole to pole, I thanks whatever gods may be, for my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance, I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of fate, my head is bloody, but unbowed. Beyond this place of wrath and tears, looms but the horror of the shade, and yet, the menace of the years finds, and shall find me, unafraid. It matters not how strait the gate, how charged with punishment the scroll, I am the master of my fate - I am the captain of my soul.

That's a pretty solid hit right there. Definitely became one of my favorites. When shit has been hitting the fan these past couple of days, there are these constant little reminders that tells me that everything is fine and that there are reasons to smile. Reasons such as that poem, the chirping of the bird in the bush when having a moment of venting to a friend, the harvest of carrots in the garden, and chicken laying eggs right in the front porch. These little constant reminders are what melts the solid, heavy, aching heart. It's what gives the chills and the reason for a big sigh of relief. I thank the God, the universe, or whatever you may call it/him/her to be for these little things. Because at the end, I still do believe, it's really all about these little things that matters no matter how big the situation or preoccupation is. I am glad that I am still aware of all of this.

August was a whirlwind of a month here for me. I feel a little out of the loop in my community. I feel very detached. In a way, it's a good thing. I have been traveling left and right in country. Working outside of my community. With the emergency leave I had back in July, that situation also didn't help on keeping me in my community. But things had to be done and situations had to be taken care of. Right when I got back from my leave, I had to take the group (3 students and a teacher) that represented my community in the HIV/AIDS workshop that Peace Corps sponsored for a reconnect, to share their experiences and their successes. Our successes. By far, it's the best thing I've done being here in my second community. The results have been positive and my relationship with those youths have been pleasant. Right after the HIV/AIDS reconnect, that was held in another city about 2 hours from my community, I headed to Asuncion, the capital, for another Peace Corps sponsored concert then for my quarterly report right after. At the Ahendu (The concert event. Also the word means to hear in Guarani), I had played my second show in my whole entire life. I had felt more comfortable on stage, but I wouldn't say it was fun as the first due to several malfunctions on stage. Not being able to hear myself, getting grounded by the mic, etc. Not to make my excuses, but you'll have those experiences one way or another I guess once you become a rockstar (What?!). I was really bummed, well because of raising the bar pretty high, but after thinking about it again, I'd say it felt really great knowing that I am able to perform or do something like that in front of people. Performing in front of a crowd is not an easy task. After the weekend concert, I stayed in Asuncion to report down on what I plan to do this next upcoming months. Thinking about it now, with being away a lot this last couple of months, and going back to the beginning of all this, me being detached to my community makes it harder to plan out my next moves. But it's a great opportunity to restart over as I had planned and look at things in a different perspective. A week after I had to report, I had to get out of site again to take a contact in a community where we are developing a project for a a mini sugar factory to a Project Developing Management workshop, where we learned how to plan and execute a project. It was very fruitful for me being there, but the person who I took didn't seem to care of what was going on. I was hoping that he'd atleast show a little interest because he is the key to bring back the informations we've learned back to the farmer's commission in which he's a member. Finally after that workshop, I went back to site and be here for a straight week or so. It was also our "fiesta patronal". The biggest day of the town, which involves the biggest party of the year, "torin" (involving clowns, bullriders, and bulls), and "genateada", where cowboy associations all over the country show off how their horses rides in an open field. I didn't really care much for the dancing, but I thoroughly enjoyed the torin and genateada. (Will have to post the pictures up on the facer after this).

Now I am sitting here, waiting for my bread to be done and collecting my thoughts on what had happened this last few weeks. There was the usual frustrations from the little situations that piled up. Almost everyday, but being more detached makes it a bit easier to blow it away. It's one of those things that you have to get used to by now being in this kind of environment and line of work. It's a big part of this long rollercoaster ride that we have to come to terms with as a Peace Corps Volunteer. It's a constant work for me to not let my job affect the every aspect of my being. It's a very difficult task to separate the two when you are expected to perform well 24/7 for 27 months. But with no serious complains and constantly realizing that at the end of the day, I must constantly remind myself of how amazing it is just to be here. I am happy, and those little negative situations and frustrations are just there to make them better.

I head back to the states at the end of this month. I didn't think I'd say this, but I am ready again to take this mini-vacation. This time, it's planned. It will be good to see a great friend get hitched, but I will have to leave my site again and deal with emotions that it involves. It's this bittersweet, give and take situation that I have here. I'd like to say that I should feel bad about leaving, but I've accepted the fact that this is all just part of it. I cannot nor should hold back. Part of me do, but part of me just accepts it. It's becoming more normal and normal going through this phases and stages... I know that there will be consequences that needs to be paid, but also their will be rewards that comes along with it. I'm used to the consequences, I'm more stoked about the rewards. Whatever they may be.

I have also gotten used to being negative at times and having negative thoughts and feelings while being here. I get it and I've accepted them. It's normal and again, a part of it. But it's important to note, and a lot of Peace Corps volunteer friends have expressed the same feeling, that I don't think I've ever been so negative in my entire life. Being here, I've seen that very best negativity in me. That's what part of this experience have done to me. But bouncing back from it, it's the rewards that makes it worth while being here.

Just heard freddy aguilar at dinner tonight in a korean restaurant to the most divey, grimmy market in the whole asuncion. it's where you can get merchandises from the black market, the white market, any kind of market you want in the capital. this market is... but to get back to my point, hearing that song definitely left me blown away the whole night. still am. Anak, a song by freddy aguilar was a hit back in its days in the 80's in the philippines. Anak translates to "child" in english. This song was translated, as i've heard, in several languages. Around 20, I think. The point is, that this song is very symbolic for many youth, many filipinos.

It roughly translates to this:

When you were born into this world

Your mom and dad saw a dream fulfilled

Dream come true

The answer to their prayers

You were to them a special child

Gave 'em joy every time you smiled

Each time you cried

They're at your side to care

Child, you don't know

You'll never know how far they'd go

To give you all their love can give

To see you through and God it's true

They'd die for you, if they must, to see you here

How many seasons came and went

So many years have now been spent

For time ran fast

And now at last you're strong

Now what has gotten over you

You seem to hate your parents too

Do speak out your mind

Why do you find them wrong

Child you don't know

You'll never know how far they'd go

To give you all their love can give

To see you through and God it's true

They'd die for you, if they must, to see you near

And now your path has gone astray

Child you ain't sure what to do or say

You're so alone

No friends are on your side

And child you now break down in tears

Let them drive away your fears

Where must you go

Their arms stay open wide

Child you don't know

You'll never know how far they'd go

To give you all their love can give

To see you through

And God it's true

They'd die for you, if they must, to see you here

Child you don't know

You'll never know how far they'd go

To give you all their love can give

To see you through and God it's true

They'd die for you, if they must, to see you here

THe originial...

Noong isilang ka sa mundong ito,

Laking tuwa ng magulang mo.

At ang kamay nila

ang iyong ilaw.

At ang nanay at tatay mo,

'Di malaman ang gagawin.

Minamasdan pati pagtulog mo.

Sa gabi napupuyat ang iyong nanay

Sa pagtimpla ng gatas mo.

At sa umaga nama'y kalong

Ka ng iyong amang tuwang-tuwa sa iyo.

Ngayon nga'y malaki ka na,

Nais mo'y maging malaya.

'Di man sila payag,

Walang magagawa.

Ikaw nga'y biglang nagbago,

Naging matigas ang iyong ulo.

At ang payo nila'y,

Sinuway mo.

Hindi mo man lang inisip

Na ang kanilang ginagawa'y para sa iyo.

Pagka't ang nais mo masunod ang layaw mo,

'Di mo sila pinapansin.

Nagdaan pa ang mga araw

At ang landas mo'y naligaw

Ikaw ay nalulon

sa masamang bisyo.

At ang una mong nilapitan

Ang iyong inang lumuluha.

At ang tanong,

"Anak, ba't ka nagkaganyan?"

At ang iyong mga mata'y biglang lumuha

Ng 'di mo napapansin

Pagsisisi ang sa isip mo,

Nalaman mong ika'y nagkamali.

Just something about first, hearing a filipino song in asuncion, second, in a korean restaurant, then in mercado 4 boggles my mind. I don't know if it's a sign or something more profound, but I can't say it's easy for me to shake off the strangeness, greatness of it. The setting and the sensation from the simple situation. I think it's beautiful, but there's also this something that I couldn't believe that it just happened. I can't quite seem to wrap my mind around it. Just unbelievable and still in awe.

back to 1 kph internet connection in the campo. adjusting once again, but this time, i'm in a good light.

I came from a broken family.

That made me strong.

I came from a relatively poor community.

That taught me sympathy and how to relate.

My environment growing up had a disease, I was plucked out.

That gave me perspective and made me think.

I grew up with no direction.

That taught me trust and confidence.

I was born full of sacrifices.

It got me where I am today.

There's more to it than that, but here it is for now.

Just so I don't forget.

Now here I am.

Doing what I can, using everything I have.

about to board on a plane. just want to remember this day.

I have been pretty negative lately and it's not healthy. I guess it's all the combinations of the weather, getting cold, staying in more, and the typical redundancy of the days and conversations, small meaningless conversations around here. I'm also very easy to get irritated lately. Annoyed and not dealing with it, I think in a better, healthier way. A couple of incidents that also occurred these last couple of weeks didn't help. One, a good friend, while drunk, harassing me late night, and another, my neighbor playing a pretty heavy joke by dropping a pair of plier on my toe in front of our peers.

It hasn't been easy dealing with the behaviors that people have towards me lately. Meaning, that around here, people are really used to me by now that they have the full confidence of saying or doing whatever they want. That's why limits and boundaries are about to be set. I guess this is the growing part of myself in the pueblo. I am now integrated, so integrated that "they take you up to your elbow when you're only giving your hands." A saying that I just learned this weekend.

I have had the great support of friends and staff of the Peace Corps. I feel that my time here lately has been heavy in every way especially with this past situations that I'm dealing with. Although tough, I think it'll be worth it at the end.

Right now, in terms of work, that's pretty much what I'm dealing with. Characters and personalities of people. It's the most important of all the work in this kind of environment I think. I highly believe that this pueblo will not advance, nor any pueblo or village at all, without having built a strong character in people.

All this negativity comes from these stress. Stressed with people, stress with situations, just good old normal timely/momentarily ones. But to see the good light in it, it just means that I am learning a lot about the people here and about myself, my norms, of where I came from. The differences that we all have as societies and human beings. From there, I think I, or we, can start to build a good foundation on where to really start with deep grassroot sustainable work. I think all these stress, I have faith, will turn out to a great result later in my service here in Paraguay. All this great lessons, I'm hoping, to be much helpful while I'm still here. If not, then in a near future after my experiences here in the bigger, much larger service. Everything has it's step and everything has a process. I think this time, this moment I'm having is just one of those tough ones that will eventually get better in time.

Sometimes you have to do something about it. But sometimes, most of the time actually, you just have to trust the universe and its work. Have to, Got to, Always remember that.

Here's today's highlights...

1.) You know you're in a football world when the elementary students gets to watch the World Cup in the library. That makes me smile.

2.) The fact that I can get cow manure for the garden just across the street from my house.

It's the little things. Really is.

*Everything is the little things.

Then, a few things I've learned today. Laws I/we need to abide:

1.) Even if you're mad, you can't let it get to you.

2.) You can't help people when they themselves doesn't know what they want (or need).

3.) Don't buy into small useless talk. You know better.

4.) When you think a person think he knows everything and they sound like it, just shut your mouth and listen. Just know that you can smell bullshit.

I think that's it for now. I'll just have to add to this list in time.

you can't extinguish the fire inside you by the water of your eyes. let out the beast. you never know, you just might find what's been crying inside you. yourself.

standing by my door, it's nice to hear the neighbors across the street giggling out loud while i listen and observe the drops of rain. it's raining and i'm running in circles in my box. listening to some soothing music when not watching never ending line up of movies. when it rains, there's no movement in town. yes, i wish to be spending time with friends i've met and lost touch in the past. i think about the great people i've met. and wish i still have them. but this is not the case. life moves on. some people are gone, some people will stay in our life. and now, i have this. this serenity, tranquility, solace here, pure solitude. pure freedom. just imagine. when else can i have this? simply now. a time given to really appreciate what i've had and enjoy and learn on it. go back and think about it. that perhaps the next ones, the great moments, the great people to meet ahead of me, that i could give it a greater meaning. this is definitely a quite time in life, a time of reflection. then continue, move on. it's time to enjoy this instead of looking for something else. it's time to dig deep into it. while it last.