Only eight more days until I travel from the Asheville airport to Miami International. From there I have an afternoon of meetings with Peace Corps peeps to finalize all documents before leaving the United States for the Dominican Republic. Its hard to believe that a year ago I was writing my essays for the application and interviewing with a returned volunteer. Its amazing how the year has flown by. For the good I'd say. Working at a resort and living the Asheville dream, I am so ready to get out of this cold climate and down south!

I have had the pleasure of sharring my time with a thoughtful, carring, hillarious and georgeous man. Now that it is alomost time to part ways I think I can finnally see why we've kept eachother company. It was a much needed example of love for the sake of love, no attachments and honoring one another for who we are, not who we want the other to be. Thank you kyle. You will be missed but not forgoten.

I just found out I have been accepted to join the peace corps, this coming March! Dominican Republic--- Here I Go!

Oh! Stacey and Clinton how you make me laugh so hard. The way you outlandishly make fun of the people who need serious help! I would love your assistance in my wardrobe especially the 5k to build it. It amazes me the amount of money that is thrown into these shows so that people will feel better about themselves. It must really work for the advertisers. Yeah I watch What Not To Wear almost once a day but I don't go out and buy the $200 jeans or shoes. Don't get me wrong I would if I were in their shoes but sine I have an ounce of style I will never be nominated. Unless I ask someone. That's an idea. I'll fake my clothes - well not all because some would actually need to be replaced - and then fake some friends to say my taste sucks and I need to me "re-did". My point being, they are mean sometimes and I love every minute. These are the side effects of not having a job or a social life outside my parents house! Arrrg! I f**king hate this feeling of unproductiveness... although, I do have a job interview lined up at a restaurant at a swank resort in Asheville. Wish me luck so that I can finally fly the coup.

--- the amount of progress I have made in my search for a job or a place. Alright I have made just a little more than zero but still there is nothing to show for it. I was in Asheville for two days and found myself in a coffee shop for a majority of the time. I don't know - just thinking and staring off into space, wondering what could be wrong with me. Am I depressed? in a slump? Should I go back to Austin? What have I done? If I go back now I can pick up where I left off, which was not at all bad. I had friends, a job (didn't pay well but was about to), a guy on speed dial for the booty call, and my lay of the land - why would I have gone you ask? Well thats obviously the question I ask myself on a daily basis. I am sure it had something to do with "finding myself" and seeing how I will handle this change of events and how I survive moving out of the box I've been in for the past forever and a day! But for now the count is them 1 and me zero. I really thought things would be easier, but its getting harder and harder to believe that I can go and get a shit job just to pay rent. Or even find a month to month place with a yard for my big ass dog under $400. Maybe I ask too much from the world. (But places in Austin are even more and searching craigslist makes me even more turned upside down.)

Before moving I thought that things would fall into place as they always tend to do. Just the thought of my lack of motivation and constant fear of failure makes me noxious. And that feeling makes me want to get lost in the f-ing crap on TV and drown myself in wine which I could do but its already too late to open a bottle of wine. Which brings me to problem number quadrillion, I cant sleep. I think my New Years Eve partying played a role in it, but the other night I couldn't even lay down until 4 am. Okay there are many people out there who have major insomnia and my pointless bitching is about nothing, but for me it sucks. I was ready to sleep at 9 but I did a sudoku puzzle and all my sleep needs went out the window! Now at 2:30 I am wide awake and watching TLC. After reading all this I should probably not do that damn puzzle so late, instead common sense says that I should keep that activity for the morning. You know, when I want to be productive and actually get motivated - instead of at night. DUH!

Ah, my dog must have had something he shouldn't have because his farts are extremely bad tonight. On that note, I'm outta' here.

I believe the last few years I've vowed not to make meaningless resolutions that will last only a few weeks or less! I think last year had something to do with doing yoga three times a week or eating slower. I didn't really do either of them except sporadically. This year I wish it to be different by pushing myself into a higher level process. My resolution for 2008 is to meditate for 30 minutes twice a week, breathing into my chakra's and observing the natural state of existence. I think this resolution is reasonable and highly "do-able".

Of course this revelation comes after reading an awesome book my NIA teacher recommended entitled The Five Tibetans by Christopher S. Kilham. This yogi is from way back in the late 70s heard of another yogi who went to Tibet in the 20s and found a series of yoga positions and breaths that promote strength, health and balance. Its not all that time consuming and very possible to do every morning. I'll go ahead and add that to my to do list too.

Okay since I'm talking smack about a list... here is a rough (very rough and in no order) to do list of my life:

Have a solid Yoga practice (that means everyday)Doing the Five Tibetans with meditation

Find a job at a public radio station - doing music programing or something off airBecome fluent in SpanishTravel South America for a spellWork for a record label

Manage a band or promotions something or otherRe-read C.S Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia before I'm 30Teach Yoga or danceBe the subject of a Blues song and a MovieRun a half-marathonFall in love

Get a graduate degreemore traveling

learn to surf and rock climb (while traveling too)

Teach English (preferably abroad)

Find myself --- yeah just like everyone else.I think that about does it for my list. But the first thing I need to do is find a job and get out of my parents dwelling. I took two months for a vacation after moving to the area for whatever reason I thought it would help put my life into perspective a type of transitions I guess. A "pay rent" type of job is of course the most logical and of course should be easy enough.

One thing about this time has led me to seriously start thinking about the Peace Corps. A wonderful way to gain some much needed references and to prove to someone that I can do a job - just tell me what and I'll do it! My romantic ideals about the Corps stem from the love story of my parents. He was a teacher in Chile with the PC and she was a local. They met and the rest is history. Not that I think I will find my husband abroad or be able to trot across the globe on a whim, but an adventure is in order and I want it! I can taste it. All I need to do know is start the process. Who knows maybe in 6 months I will be on my way to another country. Keep your fingers crossed and your eyes peeled.

I've never been a fan on vodka besides the occasional mixed drink when i was a freshmen in college. But tonight I feel the sophistication of the clear liquid garnished with two gorgeous olives. Between watching Weeds on the internet and drinking a martini ... damn i love you vodka!

All in all this past Christmas season was not so bad. The typical annoyances of my mother and brother - which I will ignore because I'm not a total bitch - were what they always are.

Since arriving here in WNC I have gone with my parents to the Unitarian Universalist Church and have to admit that I totally dig it! Since I have been drug to church in the past I have become hesitant to align myself with any type of religious affiliation. But, since the whole idea of this congregation is to "... create a community that encourages free spiritual discovery and growth, celebrate personal and religious diversity, and promotes active, responsible involvement in the larger community." (taken from the website) I feel like those goals fit right in with what I think of when I hear religion --- being a plain human being! So we went to the Christmas Eve service and there were several religions represented throughout the hour and a half program - including, Judaism, Buddhism, Earth Religion, Native American beliefs, and others that were accompanied with music. I must also inform you that this area is rich with musical talent, therefore the guitar, cello, violin, Peruvian flute and others enriched the experience even more. It was such a drastic change from the Southern Methodist service that we were usually guilted into going. The way I see it though, any place that accepts the idea of goddesses and earth mothers as a reasonable way of honoring god then - a(wo)men!

I self proclaimed feminist since the age of about 8 or so I have never been impressed with the Christian ideas of the womens role in family or how we have been portrayed in the Bible. After 5 years of boycotting any type of church, aside from what my mother drug me to, I finally feel like I can truly develop my spirituality by way of this Unitarian umbrella. So that is at least one positive thing that has come out of my move here.

Another would be my new record player! Yes, I am the proud owner of a vinyl playing piece of wood! I have had the burning desire to listen to the scratches of the record on my dad's collection since I was 12 or so and have now finally filled the urge! Thanks Johann Strauss for the soundtrack tonight!

It's hard to say when it started, but I am sure that the winter darkness isn't helping. I've had this feeling of winter blues since around Thanksgiving. It might be that this is my first real holiday season without a significant other or that I am in a new place geographically - either way I don't feel the holiday cheer at all. Since I've moved in with my parents (Ah! - I know) I've been the designated go to shopper and food preparation expert for this charade of what they call Christmas. It happens every year since I left for college - I would come home get all the presents wrapped for everyone in my family and then stuff the stockings. I liked playing the Santa, but now I'm over it. I really think its the fact that everything is new and I am simply not ready to pretend like nothing has changed.

I've been reading blogs for a few years now and I have realized that most of the time the writers use this medium as a way to sort out all of life's ups and downs. So, sorry to say this one will probably be no different. I often consider myself to be independent and a women who knows what she wants, but that was then and now I know little about myself and am constantly looking for my "calling". There are few people I feel I can talk to these days without them being too opinionated about my decisions/actions. Don't get me wrong I haven't done anything crazy or psycho so that friends abandon me, just that they usually have a bias.

To make what could be a long story short: I was in a very long term relationship with a high school sweetheart (Brice) and a sharp turn a year ago had me break up with him for another guy (John). More sharp turns and I am single for the first time since I was 15. I don't really feel like Brice and I have reached the all time important closure. I just can't seem to move on - although I tried for a year and half, I can't shake the feeling. I know I'm not alone with this issue because most women go through this. Lucky you, I'm going to talk about it on this here blog! Ha.

Being alone on this very gray Winter Solstice has me thinking way to much on the What ifs of my life. Could we have moved to and be living together in a state on the West coast? Would we be happy? Would I have cheated on him later on in our life? Would we be married? So many questions with no answers. In most of my dreams these cold winter nights he is there in my house or apartment but with his new girlfriend Emma. They are a couple and I am the third wheel. Most of my dream interpretations tell me that "Yes! He's moved on." So why am I looking for him to show me signs of being interested when he's simply not. Most of my friends tell me all the time that I am better off for escaping a relationship of comfort and then of course, I can do better. Yes, that's all very nice and good. I know all of these things but I've only know myself in relation to someone else. And since I am all about making promises to you - I'm jumping off the cliff to really find myself as Me!

And to jump start my warm and fuzzy feelings (besides lost of beer) I'll be lighting a candle tonight to keep the season bright and guide me through the darkness with reason and light. Happy Holidays!

As it always happens, I lie in bed with the thoughts of the past going through my head, along with the events of what I shoulda', woulda', coulda' have done to shape my future. The constant instances go through my brain like the stock exchange ticker. More recently the ticker tape takes about an hour to slow down and let me sleep with peace. So, as I suffer under the covers I start constructing the monologue that I want to write for how ever reads this. But without fail, I forget by the time I wake up and thus I'm left without the clever starting line to a thought provoking post.

I know - I hear it all the time - "Write it down, keep a journal by your bed..." but I still fail to do so. Okay this hear is my pledge to start writing down my thoughts and dreams when the come to me. I'd like to make a bit more of a presence here anyway. With that said, I'll be back with more soon.