happy weekend to all you beautiful souls.

I'm writing with much to celebrate, be grateful for, and to update. As I'm sure you've noticed (or at least my Mom) I've been off line for a while...so much has just happened! The nitty-gritty as of late is this: I attended a Natural Medicine training (amazing!) and using the training to help build an herbal garden with a local HIV+ support group, went on a two week Ladies vacation to Likoma and Chizimulu islands on Lake Malawi (see above pic) so beautiful, our grant was approved, and tomorrow will make 6 months since I have arrived in this country! Amazing! I've been sitting around waiting and waiting and when I finally just got up it all feel into my lap.

The grant: To form a Maternal Health Task force within two TA (traditional authorities) in America this would look like a county within a state (just on a MUCH smaller scale.) These two TAs are known for their high maternal mortality and increase Mother to Child transmission rates. The focus is to start a conversation between community members and Maternal Health stakeholders to look at our data and hear the reality of Maternal Health services. I'm so honored and thrilled to be here and facilitating this conversation. Maternal Health or BUST. The meetings are Monday and Tuesday and then we will culminate our grant project with a week long training (TBA) in an area determined as a high priority for improving Maternal Health systems.

So I'm off to have a late minute prep meeting, then saturday brunch with a friend, and garden planting on sunday. life is in full motion.

much love to you all always.

a

I have found a gentle sweet timid nature of a people that have been oppressed, reprimanded, and exploited. This has been declared the warm heart of africa - but what is the price? If you really watch there is a fear so profound that makes me taste my bitter after taste of privilege. I'm so quick to be agitated by a "give me my money" from a stranger, a bus driver charging double the local price, and the distance placed between me and them no matter what I say or do. Although, having been born into choice and praised to speak up and out how can I be so selfish to look at a situation from my own unaccustomed eyes? Don't read this as pity - any pity can only be for my narrow view I've held onto so tightly for the past 6 month - but more I am speaking of a compassion evolving like a tide within my body meeting me at the shore slowing pulling away by gravity (time) and building (experience) as I part from the shore (my norms).

Malawi has brought me further from home and myself that ever before. I can only hope that these days of exhaustion, frustration, and total confusion will continue to blur my defined lines and fade my colors to grey.

love.

“I think that there is one aspect to our experience of suffering that is of vital importance. When you are aware of your pain and suffering, it helps you to develop your capacity for empathy, that capacity which allows you to relate to other people’s feelings and suffering. This enhances your capacity for compassion towards others. So as an air in healing us connect with others, it can be seen as having value.” HH Dalai Lama

I’m still chewing on “The Art of Happiness” and this morning I was reading a section about suffering, and the value we can find in it. It sounds like a wild concept. WHAT value is to be found in suffering? My Sister sent me a quote a few weeks ago that stated “To feel pain is human but to suffer is a choice” and it really hit me. I define suffering as holding on to pain, not allowing it to move through and from you. But like everyone else it’s hard to let pain go, we personalize it. Sometimes it’s even enticing to hold on to it, we start to enjoy being the victim or some don’t know how NOT to be a victim because of life experiences. But like everyone I’ve suffered.

But what do we do with it? I’m learning every day how to let go, but more so in “The Art of Happiness” it was talking about having suffered. The lingering that exists, the letting go to what I’ve held on to sometimes for years.

Reading these words I instantly had a flash of being back in the barn and reading “The Message” it was talking more of personal freedom, stripping the layers that are holding us back from ourselves and our present life. The author quotes my girl, Janis Joplin, “Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose” and it clicked. I was back in Ecuador and all those feelings of pain, hurt, depression, loneliness, SUFFERING were there choking me. I could see the way out but I didn’t have the energy or want the energy to actually do anything. I cried. I cried and I cried for all those who did me wrong. For the lack of site development, for placing me with an inappropriate supervisor, for making me live with a family that didn’t care enough, for the heat and bugs, for the lack of structure, for it not being fun everyday…the list grew everyday (I’m very creative!). I put on this outfit of being a victim and in a weird way it was a reassurance that I didn’t have to put myself out there, be vulnerable, or even fail because THEY already did. With lots of love and grace I jumped – to a new site and a new environment. It wasn’t easy. I actually found all of the same frustrating suffering inducing elements in my new site but something changed. I made a choice. I was pushed to the edge. During a late night sob call to my Mom she simply said “If you want to come home then come home and if not then change your mind” so simple. Change your mind. So I did. Little by little, finding things to cherish, looking forward to things, and I found a loving Ecua-Mom that mentally and emotionally picked me up and loved me rejuvenating my spirit. Collecting this energy I started giving a little out and receiving more and more. I left Ecuador in love with a beautiful country, people, and culture. But after going back to the states all those past feelings of suffering and pain where still there, lingering. I really didn’t know what to do with them. I tried to readjust and feel like “normal me” but I couldn’t. I was holding these toxins in my body and they just kept building up waiting me to acknowledge them and let them go. It took me a year and a half to realize this.

“Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose”

It clicked. I understood my suffering. I actually wouldn’t even consider it suffering. It was at the time but in retrospect it was really my freedom, my emancipation. All that I was living was stripping me of my comforts – the space that was filing me up – for no reason. The suffering allowed me to break free from all the “things” I held on to. It left we bruise, tatter, tired, and with NOTHING left to lose. With that I jumped and found so much love and newness to life, FREEDOM.

Freedom to challenge myself to eat healthier and more locally.

Freedom to take that metal smith class I’d be dreaming about for years.

Freedom to attend the Birth doula training.

Freedom to connect with the beautiful women of Sea Mar (where I worked before coming to Malawi).

Freedom to say YES to Malawi even when the time wasn’t “right”.

Freedom to love myself, my family, and my friends with more authentically.

Freedom to accept myself for who I am.

hello all. i'm still here! i just finished a one week training on natural medicines and it was honestly the best week i've had in malawi for so many reasons, but mostly because it was just fascinating to learn about the plants, their properties, and how to make tinctures, body oils, and healing teas...i'll be sharing more soon. the training finished just in time to celebrate cinco de mayo. yes yes nothing to do with malawi and actually quite odd to be celebrating but a volunteer friend convinced me to host the party a my house because who DOESN'T enjoy an excuse to make mexican food?? we spent the whole saturday cooking and i was so worth it. the menu included: corn tortillas, guacamole, beans, bean dip, home made cheese, fish, and roasted salsa. We ate and ate and ate! There was also a few rounds of pin the tail on the zebra (trying to pull a little africa into the mix) and piñatas!honestly, i'm always looking for an excuse to sport a uni brow...here we are at the cinco de mayo party at my house with two volunteer friends.but the highlight (of course it involves my boys!!) was watching promise and osborne experience breaking a pinata for the first time. they now run around the house calling me "Arish (that's name)" and then covering their eyes with one hand and pounding their fist in the air. i think this is just the beginning of piñatas and one step closer to mexican-nizing my boys! success!!

un abrazote.

the first goodie for our garden. Ossie was so proud until he actually tried and had to spit it out because it was "too spicy".

A volunteer described Malawi as “magical” I found it very interesting. She said you can plan many things here and they just won’t ever work out and then right when you are ready to give up/hitting bottom life happens. Life happened today.

I’ve been reconsidering the purpose of being here. I spend most days chit-chatting at the office while waiting for Peace Corps to call and say “YOUR GRANT IS APPROVED!!” I have a feeling it’s going to take awhile for that phone to ring. But I was coming back from lunch today and I heard someone calling my name. It was Blessings. It was only 70 degrees today so he wore black pants, a black hoodie, and a black leather jacket. So cold. Sorry I can’t get over the Malawian definition of cold. I had on a tank top and skirt and a fellow co-worker said he couldn’t look at me because it made him so cold. Ha ha. Ok back to the story.

About a month ago I had met with Blessings to discuss herbal gardens and how to incorporate them into HIV positive support groups. It was so excited. A skill-exchanging, capacity-building, sustainable project? YES! But nothing more happened, typical. Since then I was invited to ANAMED, a natural medicine training. So when I ran into Blessings I was excited to catch up and share with him about this development. He was thrilled and started talking about how we could incorporate this into working in Machinga (where I live). That means I can walk there, no minibuses for me! Wahoo! So this Sunday I’m meeting with a support group in Machinga and going to ask for a volunteer to attend the natural medicine training that we can later train the group. Wow! That’s magical. Nothing I planned. I’ve tried to find work. But it’s Malawi so it happens when it happens.

UPDATE:

Sunday I was trying to get a hold of Blessings to confirm that we were actually going to see the group. No answer. I spent the weekend in Zomba (40 mins southeast of Machinga). It was a wonderful weekend filled with a 7 hour hike on the Plateau, which is one of the most beautiful places I’ve been in Malawi. The lookout literally took my breath away (see picture above!).

So Sunday morning I was enjoying endless cups of French press coffee, fresh baked bread, and good company! What a treat! I really just wanted to stay and chat but Malawi logic is that if I don’t go back to Machinga Blessings will be there. So I headed back despite the fact that he wasn’t answering his phone. The minibus was about 5 mins outside of Machinga and my phone rings…Blessings. Haha. I just had to laugh. THIS is Malawi. So we met up and went to visit the group. It was beautiful. The Women greeted us with song and dance. The group only speaks Chichewa but Blessings was kind enough to translate for me. We took a tour of the herbal garden, which was small but a great start. They are even growing a vegetable garden for an income generating activity. It was so empowering to see these Women despite it all: health, stigma, gender issues…standing up and rising together. I feel blessed to have met them and look forward to working with them and the garden. They came into my life just when I needed them. If we only understood what we can give each other oh! what a world we would live in!!

Then this morning I read this: “We already have everything we need to be magnificent; it is simply a matter of allowing ourselves to be who we are. Suffering comes from own resistance to being who we are. And so I am brought back to the questions of how and why I am choosing to suffer? Having felt the job of doing what I was meant to do, and having witnessed that job in other as they allowed themselves to stand authentically in the world, I can only wonder: From whence comes this attachment to suffering? What beliefs hold me back? What patterns drain me? Do I trust the inevitability of success when I say yes to my dharma?…The questions will be followed by answers, the answers by actions , and the actions by growth.”

Much love to you all always.

a

“Our days are numbered. At this very moment, many thousandsare born into the world, some destined to life only a few days or weeks, andthen tragically succumbed to illness or other misfortune. Others are destinedto push through to the century mark, perhaps even a bit beyond, and savor everytaste life has to offer: triumph, despair, joy, hatred, and love. We neverknow. But whether we live a day or a century, a central question always remains:What is the purpose of life? What makes our lives meaningful? The purpose of our existence is to seekhappiness.”

This is probably going to sound odd because it was such aninternal experience but I want to share it just the same. I’ve felt a lot of movementinside of myself lately. Changes coming from within, a paradigm is shifting. I feelhungry for something and with such timing a friend let me borrow “The Art ofHappiness” by the Dalai Lama. I sat down this morning enjoying a fresh avocadoand black tea with a little bit of milk when I came upon this statement. Idon’t know why but instantly I felt something move through me and big softtears started rolling down my face and then it released itself of me and I feltlighter. They weren’t tears of sadness for the brevity of life or even for thetrying journey we embark on seeking happiness, but for actually being able tofeel the gravity and fragility of life. Being called to live, being given (forsome reason) the chance for another day to live, for undeservingly being ableto wake up to the sun shining in my room, to share my pathway with so manybeautiful spirits whether it’s for a moment or a lifetime - connecting. Themoment held such power.

Life is beautiful.

““Now,” he thought, “that all these transitory things have slipped away from me again, I stand once more beneath the sun as I once stood as a small child. Nothing is mine, I know nothing, I possess nothing, I have learned nothing…” He had to smile again. Yes, his destiny was strange! He was going backwards, and now he stood empty and naked and ignorant in the world. But he did not grieve about it no, he even felt a great desire to laugh, to laugh at himself, to laugh at this strange, foolish world”

Siddhartha, Hermann Hesse

What is it about being here that makes me forget it? My strengths, my desires, my beauty, my fierce nature, my loyal heart. I feel like I’ve lost my footing. Then again I’m shedding my old ways, old clothes, old flesh – so with this BIRTH – NEWNESS in matters of the heart, I feel weak. I need to remember that this IS the process, the growing pains.



I can feel it all – thank goodness. I am human. I am alive. APPRECIATE my feelings. RELISH this chance to grow. EXPOSE MYSELF – CONNECT – CHALLENGE a normal LIFE.

I had two new but dear friends over for an impromptu dinner party on Monday night. We ate nsima and beans by candlelight (well, there really isn’t any other options at my powerless house) and sipped fresh lime cocktails while chatting about philosophy, the Dalai Lama, culture, ideas...I felt so connected. They truly fed my soul. We ended the night lying on my “lawn” on a grass woven mat taking in the magnitude of the night sky and watching for shooting stars (I saw 5!). It was so beautiful and powerful- to connect with the world, connect with another soul, to allow the present moment be ENOUGH. I’m grateful. I hope you too are finding sweet moments like this in your life.

Love to each and every one of you.

p.s. have you read Siddhartha? it's a beautiful read, one of my faves actually.

I've always loved yellow. It's so vibrant not matter the tint, it just grabs you. I first fell in love in middle school. So much so I actually spent my entire spring break of 6th grade painting my room buttercup yellow with help from Mama O'Dell (looking back, why would you offer YOUR spring break to that? Thanks Mama!). It has fluctuated through the years but as of late mustard yellow and a good golden rod really get me going. So when I found a huge spool of rope and a big bag of turmeric in Blantrye a few weekends ago I started thinking/dreaming of fiber art/natural dyes. I don't have any jewelry making supplies and my hands are begging for something to fiddle with, so weekend with no dancing allowed met idle hands. This is the photographic journey in 6 steps...

There will be more to come (sorry in advance...). I'm soaking another necklace in black tea right now and found this page with so many crazy dye ideas.

It’s the weekend. With the recent passing of the President here things are somber. We are awaiting the arrival of the body from South Africa. There been a dancing ban placed until the burial of his Excellency. Err. WHAT? What is a girl to do for the weekend?? I guess it’s another action packed weekend of cooking and endless rounds of “uno” with my boys.

Everything is interconnected. Being here it’s a humbling reminder each and every day that 1. I have NO clue what is going on. and 2. I can’t control anything. For a double fire sign (Solar – Aries/ Lunar – Leo…if you’re into that) this is the toughest lesson to learn. Honestly, I’m relearning it each day. Fresh and new, knocked down, and scolded when I try ONCE again to make a plan.

Last weekend I planned a BIG “Wear your Astrological Sign” (ok I’m not super into this stuff, but it’s a good conversation piece and it’s a fun theme. I’m not changing my name to moon child anytime soon…). I was so excited I painted watercolor backdrops for an impromptu photo booth, wrote fortunes, planned the menu, made a new playlist…and then the President died. Peace Corps issued that we stay in-site and refrain from travel, in case there was any sort of reaction. What? My plan was knocked down in a matter of minutes. I had been planning this for weeks, looking forward to showing off the pioneer mansion and sharing delicious Mexican eats with friends. I was super bummed. “Nothing ever works out here” might’ve been one of the aggravating thoughts floating through my mind. But as constant as variables are in my life, it always works out. It wasn’t a big party, but it was just what it was suppose to be. I shared the night with 4 great volunteer friends and 2 guys that I work with. It turned into a wild night of dancing, eats, and endless photo booth. And I remembered, 1. I have NO clue what is going on. and 2. I can’t control anything. Dang it! It’s another friendly reminder from the Uni-verse. I get it. I get it. It’s just going to take a while for me to relearn this truth.

Much love to you always.

I think it was destiny that my birthday fell on market day. If you haven't heard already market day is my favorite day of the week/event in Malawi. It's a day where tons of people in Liwonde (the big town) or smaller surrounding villages come with their produce and used clothes to sell!

I was told before I arrived to Malawi, "don't bring a lot of clothes because the used clothing market is great." It seemed like a strange concept. Used clothes? From where? Nothing is made IN Malawi. But sure enough I arrived and there is a GREAT used clothing market. Name brand, vintage, and Euro funky clothes. WHAT?

So the story I've heard is that Malawi receives a lot of clothing donations from all over (it's funny because you can almost tell week by week where the clothes are coming from depending on the style...USA (I found a brand "Don't Mess With Texas" once. ekk.), Italy, India, etc.). Being creative entrepreneurs, Malawians have turned this into an opportunistic economy.The distributors sell clothes off by the bundle to independent vendors who come out every week and sell sell sell...bras, pants, scarfs, curtains, tablecloths, jackets, sheets, dresses, costumes, you name it! It like Goodwill on crack. swoon!!

So I hit it up yesterday and not surprise I found several things I don't need and now my floor looks like some Grandma's closet exploded. oops!

Some days I feel stronger, more authentic, more vibrant and more conscious than I’ve ever felt in my entire life and then there are many moments I’m lost, crushed, weak, confused, and powerless. But then I began to think maybe those are all one. The more lost I become the more aware of myself I am, the weaker I feel the more connected I am to this soil beneath my feet and the breath of air in my lungs, maybe the more confused I get the most likely I am to let the uni-verse direct me. Maybe just maybe less of me is more.

I feel beautiful in this moment of life, this celebration of 28 years of life.

I came across this the other day and found it fitting for a birthday reflection:

“Remember: YOU get to decide what’s true for you. So- What does your heart want? What is your soul yearning for? Can you step into a new story and not allow what others think to hold you back?”

These are powerful questions to me, to enunciate the wants and ways of my heart. Through this journey I’ve seen light and dark – near and far, in the known and unknown, in the beautiful and ugly, in the moment and the memory. It’s ever changing and all encompassing. I’ve come to realize that I can’t find my heart’s wants in the tangible. I want to be present, I want a connection, I want a freedom, I want strength in myself to repeal the energy from outside. I want to anchor my sailboat with my own means and look out with my eyes to see the view. I want to dispose of my labels and judgments. I want my words to have weight. I want to greet you with an open heart, share myself in a new light, a new truth.

This year brings more experiences in Malawi, the aspiration of farming my grandpa’s orchard with my sister, and the thoughts of midwifery in my future.

Much love to you all always.

What a weekend! The President of Malawi died due to heart complications, the first female Malawian President was sworn it, it was a 4-day weekend for the easter holiday, and I celebrated my 28th year with a "wear your astrological sign party". Phew.

more pictures to come...my computer battery is dying and there is no power...

Despite it all: time, history, change, it’s still the same. We are still dependent on them…

I had one of the most refreshing, disheartening, authentic conversations today since I’ve arrived in Malawi. (note to self: once again this is further proof that when I open myself to life the uni-verse rewards me.) I was sitting enjoying some nsima (corn porridge) and nyemba (beans) my go-to Malawian dish (there’s not really many other choices but seriously I love beans!!). When Moffat, a familiar face invited himself to sit at my table (remember Malawians are friendly. Haha!). Moffat works with Save The Children in Machinga District before that he was working Family Planning International, he knows how “the system” works. We had a friendly lunch chatting about America vs. Malawi, America vs. UK, Malawi’s challenges, the fuel crisis, lack of rain…the “cruise control” convo as I like to call it.

His cousin lives in the UK, a college educated man but makes his wages working at an assisted living house now. It’s not good work he says but his cousin was able to buy 3 trucks, and a Mercedes Benz for his wife (here in Malawi). That’s making it (right?). He then began to compare his cousin’s work (although unattractive and someone demeaning for an educated man) to his work professional, esteemed work within his field of expertise yet in the same sense demeaning and challenging in its own right.

Let me explain, Save the Children is currently working in 4 of the 14 TAs (traditional authorities) in Machinga District and this year will be expanding to 7 TAs. Yet, there’s no plan (budget) of expanding the labor force. It’s still just Moffat working in more areas with more results (numbers) tracing behavior change (are you kidding me?! Is that even possible?). Donors are patting themselves on the back with the year end reports of increase numbers. We are SAVING Africa!! But what’s the reality behind those numbers? It’s just Moffat running around the district managing too many projects to actually be impactful, forced to live in a town 6 hours away from his family, and trying to collect numbers of behavior change. I then understood the appeal of the job at the assisted living house, at least you would have something to show.

Despite it all: time, history, change, it’s still the same. We are dependent on them…

The donors come in (and there are a lot of donors. Honestly without donor’s there wouldn’t be ART, Gloves, Testing Supplies, vehicles, basically you can name it…) with these “wants/motivations” to “help” and yet it’s still the same mentality. “This is MY money. I’ll give you MY money but you have to do x,y, and z! I know how to SAVE Africa.” So what happens? Malawians become dependent on donors, on them. Are you really helping or is it just modern slavery? I’m sorry if this is coming off harsh or radical but honestly I aggravated, I’m outraged, I’m sadden by the reality that I am coming to face. I sincerely don’t know how Malawians do it. How do they keep the hope that “maybe tomorrow”. But then is there a choice for the voiceless?

I’ve been so shallow and overflowing with privilege to get upset when a random person comes up to say/ask “give me my money”. What more do they know? That’s what we’ve taught them. Sit, stay, be nice, and maybe someone will help you out.

Where do we begin to change this? Have we so quickly forgotten the capacity we hold inside, that we, humans are all uniquely made beings with more abilities than we can grasp?

Some days (most days) I just want to run home because it’s exhausting facing/living/understanding these truths of the motherland, but not today. Today I went to the grand opening of a Guardian Shelter (where families stay when loved ones are in the hospital). It was funded by USAID, the Ambassador came and of course Peace Corps wanted me to go wave and do a PR tour with them. Fine by me! It was my first time to go to an authentic village. The village women were performing traditional dances and singing for hours. It was a beautiful all encompassing moment. I could feel the energy. Malawians haven’t lost hope in the human spirit, but we have. Maybe tomorrow things can change. Maybe it’s time to stop giving and take a little bit.

Take a little hope. Take a little Love. Take a little community. Take a little time. Take a day with no schedule. Take a chance on someone else.

I get so caught up focusing on my weaknesses, my faults, my “mistakes”, my regrets, my fears, the way I allow others to influence my decisions, the days I take the easy road, the place I feel society wants me to be at almost 28 years of age, allowing my past to determine my future.

I saw this and it instantly hit me. It felt like that very tight tense balloon I’ve been carrying in my chest for too long had been popped. I took a deep breath. EXHALE. I am brand new.

I am comprised of so many fragments that have brought me to his very moment, but in this moment I am brand new. I am present. I am forward moving. Every moment I can change, I can improve, I can start anew. This truth seems to dissipate the weight of my past because new opportunities abound me now. That is powerful.

I hope these words speak to you as they did me.

Much love to you all always.

Hello Friday. It’s so good to see you again. I’m glad youcould make it. You did miss out on some stellar tortilla making the boys and I hadwith Thursday but just the same plans have been made and we have places to be!I woke up to girltalk (it’s that kind of Friday), which willalways reminds me of those breathtaking bus trips we took from Valpo to Santiago and thenSantiago to Mendoza, which makes me miss my sister and our crazy travel adventures. NowI’m off to work, finalizing grant logistical stuff (yes, another page ofsignatures is required!!) then tonight there’s concert in Zomba with friends. SaturdayI’m heading back to Machinga to catch the district assembly guys home soccermatch (we haven’t won a match yet but it’s good bonding time?!?!). And Sunday…coffeeand books.

What are yourexciting weekend plans?

------------------------------------------

pictures:

Left: Ossie on the hunt for the best guava

Right: Success. p.s. how can you not fall in love with that guy?

So I'm not really a cake person, but it's almost my birthday and I've been having fantastic/traumatic (because the possibility of enjoying it this April 10th is zilch to none) flashbacks of this mocha cake (courtesy of The Settlement Cookbook and the baking abilities of a tall lanky Scandinavian) I had last year. It honestly made me fall in love with cake, chocolate cake. And it seems the Uni-verse is out to get me because even my favorite blogs are talking about cakes these days, and now this....who does that?!?!

The time is now to take my future/well being into my own hands. I didn't find any oranges at the market but I wouldn't let that stop me. i had to meet my maker, a cake baked over fire.

so i pulled out my "village cookbook", pumped myself up for disaster, found several fire blackened pots, and stoked the fire...

exhale.

It wasn't a total disaster. The bread was actually quite delicious (maybe that's circumstantial...).

Cooking over fire is challenging because there is no temperature control and I haven't quite master a nice even fire (it usually roller coasters from roaring brush fire to coals and back again). Although even with my fire stoking faults the middle was edible (the bottom and sides were black. ekk.). But most importantly I impressed the Malawian family living in my house. Fanny, the Mom asked me what I was doing and when words didn't suffice I just picked up the top pot of the "oven" to expose the bread and she let out an "ahhhhh ooooowwww" which I think translates into "wow! this American girl can cook even though she's pressing 30, single, and childless." Success.

What are your favorite bread/cake recipes?

More baking adventures to come.

Much love to you all always.

A college friend visited the pioneer mansion this weekendand it was so refreshing. We haven’t seen each other in a while but that doesn’tmatter when you connect with someone. The older I get the more I find the powerin the moment, in the now. Some things don’t need fostering - just presence.Erin, was a Peace Corps volunteer in Uganda and was a fabulousAfrican cultural translator for me. I’ve really been challenged by the passivenature of Malawian culture, by the “place” of a woman, and the concept of time. Erin offered me the space to discussand ask her about ideas/situations, she was so honest and offered such genuine compassionin her responses. I’m really grateful for her visit. Talking with her I realized that my frustrations have becomea part of my experience. I’ve held on to them, identified with them. I returnedfrom Ecuador 3 years in August, and this weekend I realized that despite my ego’stelling I have put my American glasses on again. It challenging being here, Idon’t speak the language (English is spoken but it’s limited and different), Ididn’t have a host family, I mostly mingle with the local government workers(college educated Malawians), leaving me feeling detached and objective. Ithink because of this it’s been easy to keep my American glasses on (withouteven knowing). It’s a long road, I’m not sure if I even know how to take off myAmerican glasses here but consciousness is the first step.This week I’m grateful for honest conversations and friendlyreminders to look at life from another angle.What are you grateful this week?

"We never stay home long enough to experience our true self”

Wow. To be honest it’s been a long, trying, tiresome, frustrating, motivation-fading week...I think it’s because I’ve been forced to hold the mirror and really look at myself. Experience myself in raw light – that can shatter the picture I’ve painted. To admit that ugly mean angry person was me. I was discouraged and talking with my Sister last night, sharing my feelings that (most days) my work doesn’t seem purposeful or fruitful. She said but you are working, finding out what you want, and in a way I think she was telling me “dealing with home”. A much needed reminder – work (most always) isn’t always quantitative.

It's Friday! Despite all my grumblings my formal presentation meeting with the district hospital management team was yesterday and I received a unanimous YES on our project plan!!, I submitted my grant for the project, friends are en route to the pioneer mansion (can i hear an amen for a ladies weekend with an old college friend and a new friend), and plans are brewing (a brick oven maybe the newest addition to the pioneer mansion in the next coming weeks)...

Also, I finally made time yesterday to have my newest market find (yes, Mom I am still playing dress up and pretending like I was a child of the 60's!) tailored. wowza! These colors are energizing me today, even if it is a little ridic! ha.

What are your weekend plans? Much love to you all always.a

Someone hit me today, more shoved. I’m fine, it wasn’t forceful. Although, I’m having a hard time working through the many feelings you process when someone violates you and your space. I’m a reactor so I usually start yelling – then the anger starts building and mounding inside of me till I can’t contain it. Every after the moment has past it takes me time to wind down from all the energy I’ve created. Then I replay the situation inside my head and analyze. Let it go. But it’ll come back again, I’ll replay it and the anger will come again. It’s 9pm and I’m still angry about it.

================

I went into to Liwonde (20 min minibus ride) for a meeting with the District Hospital Management team to present my work plan. I arrived at 9:30am for our 10am meeting. I met with my Counterpart and at 10:30am we found out the management team was in a budgeting meeting with Auditors (you didn’t know this yesterday when you confirmed?? Hmmm.) so we waited, and waited until 1pm. Then finally my Counterpart realized that this wasn’t going to happen so we rescheduled for tomorrow.

I met up with Kate (another Peace Corps Volunteer and my old roommate) for lunch. Nsima and beans, the usual Malawian eats.

Then we strolled through the used clothing market (to make up for the lack of productivity in my work life! Ha!) and I found a fabulous dress for my upcoming birthday party for only $1!! We said goodbye and I headed towards the bus depot (It’s fairly easy to get a ride from Machinga to Liwonde from another District Assembly member but almost always have to ride a minibus back to Machinga.).

I walked to the road to wait for a minibus that was actually leaving. You have to be careful because bus attendants will ask you where you are going and then take you to their bus that’s almost always empty which means you’ll be waiting for at least 30 minutes for them to fill the bus. No thanks! So I was standing there waiting on the road and two buses pull up. Of course I’m swarmed by guys trying to get me to ride their bus. For some reason everyone seem way more aggressive today, the first guy told me the bus ride was going to be 300 kwacha which is double the rate (150kw) so I said no way!! I live in Machinga and know the rates, it’s 150. He was nice and offered me a great deal of 250kw. No! Then the other guys come up and when I told them I wouldn’t pay 300 (these guys see me several times a week I’m not sure how they think that I don’t know the real rates, but you never know! ). So I said no thanks, I’ll wait. Of out of nowhere this guy two guys back from me reaches over and shoves my head for who knows what reason. I was shocked. Did he really touch me? (Note: Malawians are very non-confrontational people!!) But he TOTALLY shoved me. I’m in shock and look around to gauge others reactions and nothing. Everyone is still trying to get me on their bus for 300kw. What? A guy (he was drunk but that’s not really the issue here) shoves a woman! A visitor to Malawi! and NO ONE, no bus attendants, no one at the nearby store, no one on the bus has flinched or said anything. This all slowly absorbing into the numbness of shock and I react. I start yelling (Hello you can call me the ugly American today!! Ekk!!) and walk away. No one does anything when I yell except try to get me on their bus and to buy a fried ball of dough. WHAT???? I was so irate I was shaking at this point (disclaimer: it’s been a long week thus far. I had been asked for money who knows how many times BY adults and all my meetings had been postponed so I was already well into a subconscious pity party…). I walked around the block not sure what to do. I had to get back to Machinga and I had to take a bus because no one was driving by…so I wait a few minutes and found a minibus that ended up charging me 200kw.

===========================

It frightens me that I have that kind of anger inside of me. I had a lot of anger in Ecuador, quick flashed of unexpected anger flooding my body. Not understanding where it comes from makes it hard to prevent this flash flood. Meditating on it today I realized that I keep telling myself to be present, but being present isn’t floating from moment to moment. It’s truly being OF the moment. I’m stuffing my mouth with food so hurried for the next bite/to finish/next best thing I’m forgetting to chew-taste-swallow.

It’s easy to be present when you’re running.

This moment, this anger is a mirror to myself, a mirror exposing my need to ground-root-connect myself to the moment, to life, the uncomfortable.

"Where hunger is ugly, where the souls are forgottenWhere black is the color, where none is the number

And I'll tell it and think it and speak it and breathe itAnd reflect from the mountain so all souls can see itAnd I'll stand on the ocean until I start sinkin'But I'll know my song well before I start singin'And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hardIt's a hard rain's a-gonna fall".bob.dylan.

Last night the rain came down so forcefully on my tin roofthat it woke me out of a dead sleep (and I’m a deep sleeper). It was so dynamic, it sounded like hundreds ofmachine guns firing at once. It made me grateful for my shelter - I’ve beengiven such a beautiful sacred space here in Malawi that is allowing me to makespace inside of myself. Thinking about all the things I hold onto:collecting, filling up, demanding space and energy. Are they feeding me or taking from me? The rain fall slowly let upand I fall back asleep, then again around 3am I awoke again to another surge. Itwas a beautiful moment to witness such a force. This man I met on a bus yesterday traveling back fromBlantrye asked me what I would tell my family about Malawi when I returned tothe states…I responded with the usual crowd pleaser “that Malawians are sofriendly.” He loved it. Then he said “Yes, but we are poor. Life is veryprimitive here.” The statement really struck me. Primitive. Life here IS primitive, raw, rough, jagged, holistic,connected…allowing moments of vibrant rainfall to come into my life, for thephase of the moon to influence my sleep, and for the stars to be seen in amagnitude of which they are worthy.--------------------------

Pictures:Left: since the rains have started these little flowers havepopped up all along my pathway home.Right: the ridiculous 1960’s flower power dress I found atmarket and debuted at the st. patrick’s day party this weekend it Blantyre.Live bands playing classic rock covers and guiness, it was true culture shock.

My Friday started with a letter and photos from a dear friend. So of course I ran to my powerless fridge and quickly decorated it. What do you think??

Then at work I looked out the window to see what? A turkey? Yes, an office with a view.

It's quite the life here in Malawi.

enjoy your weekend.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that youseek". - Joseph Campbell

What do you fear? I fear so many things, commitment,vulnerability, judgment, …I won’t bore you with the novel. I was reading arecent daily love talking about the power found in facing, acknowledging,naming our fears. It asked how can we imagine our potential when our view iscluttered with fear?----------------------------------------------------My Mother raised me with sweet loving words. She told mefrom a young age of the care and pride that filled her body while she carriedme. Birthing me naturally, welcoming me into this world with love and confidencein her body. But as a young girl I frequently watched “A Baby Story” onTLC (what a TV choice, right?). I was frightened (to say the least) butenthralled, I knew of my birth story (a real story) and held it near my heartbut was somehow capsized by the “truths” of these women’s stories. Honestly, Iremember being 13 unable to change the (horrible) channel while FREAKING OUT Iwould be THAT woman some day. Strapped down, distraught, screaming (is shepossessed????). Hoping by the time I was to have children science would“outsmart” the body. That’s almost 15 years ago but the fear was real. It tookme years to see the beauty in pregnancy. The first birth I attended was sooverwhelming I almost had to leave the room. Birth – labor – life is powerful, demanding, raw, unknownany and all of these attributes can be felt as fearful. Our words of it’s fine, I’ll deal with it when it comes,what if - are all fanning the flames of fear, quietly building inside of us.This quote really connected me to my early formed memories of birth, “these oldthoughts and ideas (fears) are energy in our lives that rob us of the moment”this is telling me that without presence I can’t progress – I’m static. “Whenwe can begin to trust our perception of the truth in the moment. There is apower in the process, an unfettering of the mind and spirit” Slowing letting goof my thoughts and ideas (fears/A Baby Story flashbacks) I stayed in that roomwatching Sarahi’s body shift and push her little boy into this world. Shewasn’t strapped down, she didn’t even scream, but she fought, she needed love,encouragement, and together we greeted Joshua in this world. I had to let go ofmy formulated version of “truth” which allowed me to see the beauty in themoment, the truth of the moment. -------------------------------------------------------As of late:I fear commitment/decisions. Decisions to me mean missingout on something else, so I don’t like to commit/decide until I have to. This week I was allowing myself to get eaten up by adecision. Not a monumental decision, but a decision nonetheless. I let it chewon me until I was drained and weak. With encouragement and trust I realizedthat there was no right or wrong, but an answer. My answer. By facing my fear I found a truth and power in the process.

How was your weekend? I (braceyourself!) had an action packed weekend in Machinga. Saturday morning I thoughtthe sky was falling…or at least my ceiling was. Um…sitting reading my morningmeditation book – concentrating – focusing – striving – to stay present ::crumbling::. Ignore the distractions.Wait something is actually falling. My ceiling!! Seriously, my pioneer mansion has a metal roof (full of leaks) and thenan inside sheetrock-esk ceiling layer. Between the heavy rains and the age ofit (and a mystery cat trapped up there) it’s slowly been falling down sectionby section all week. I have yet to see or hear a cat but my gardener/watchmanSWEARS to it. Hmm…All I care about is what will be left of my ceiling by nextweekend?? The excitement continued when I wasinvited to a chibuku powered soccer match. We lost 2-4. But no worries the celebratorygoat roast was still on! I’ll admit I skipped out on this to welcome my FIRSThouse guests for the weekend! Jessica, a fellow Response Volunteer living inthe central region came down to visit with her friend along with the Liwondecrew. It was great! We ate homemade tortillas, guacamole, and beans on thefront porch staying up until the wee hour 12am!! Sunday morning we enjoyed alovely brunch of chai tea, rosemary flatbread, and an egg scramble before theyset off. I think the pioneer mansion ismeant for entertaining. Who wants to come next???

Pictures:1. The goalie with a snake crown?? In case you're wondering it wasn't a good luck charm. 2. EvenObama made it out for the game. 3. Where my ceiling USE to be. 4. Sir Osborne.

“We believe in compassion, live compassion, and compassion grows in our lives. We believe in love, live lovingly, and love grows in our lives. We stand in our light, live our light, and the light grows within us. We need only make a beginning, and that beginning will foster within us the power to move forward”

--------------------------------------------pictures from lake malawi - monkey bay

Maureen gave me a tour of the labor and delivery ward today. This is the most expansive ward given that it’s the main district hospital. We pass thru two swinging doors and there were the 4 beds in the main room, half sheets hung for reasons unknown but not pertaining to privacy. Only 3 of the beds were being used by women in early stages of labor. I asked what happens when more than 4 women are laboring and she showed me two separate rooms (actually private but dark, damp, and depressing) mostly used for women with complicated or prolonged labor. They can hold a total of 8 women at one time. After they reach 8 then they made floor beds, Maureen says that this happens often. At the end of each bed was a cardboard box (it looked like a box of triscuits) that was the sharps container. On the floor was a bucket labeled “placenta” I asked Maureen if there were any cultural practices with the placentas and she opened up the bucket to see, yes a fresh placenta. They take them out to the placenta burning pit twice a day (not the cultural practice I had anticipated). We then we on to see the women who were being watched after complicated labors, this room was open and held 24 beds. All but 2 beds were filled. There was one woman who had been there for 48 hours, for some reason she really impacted me. She sat there naked from the waist up with only a chitenji wrapped around her, sitting on the bed with a blank hallow stare feeding her baby, her large swollen breasts looked painful. I wonder if she had any choice over her body.

There has been a lot of discussion, debate, and general commotion about women’s rights in the states. It saddens me that this needs to be a discussion, it saddens me that my body has become a political issue, it saddens me that it has turned into a women’s issue. It makes me reflect about one of my favorite buttons, it said “Be nice to vaginas you came from one” it’s funny, suggestive, and universal. Reproductive health isn’t a woman’s right, it’s a human right. We are only limiting our understanding of ourselves and our potential of health by wrapping up this conversation with labels. What do your statistics mean to the unplanned children, the mothers afraid of their own bodies, the families without a choice? When health becomes only an option for the rich there lies only one outcome, poverty.Maybe that’s what those haunting hallow eyes of the Amayiwere showing me, we have become so detached from our own bodies and thoughts that we start to control something, others, the voiceless, the impoverished, the meek, the sick, the young, the old, us.

This moment was a wake-up call for me to reconnect with myself, my body, my mind, my passions, and my world. I am grateful for the chance to feel it.

i love apartment therapy's house tour so i too am going to give you a "pioneer mansion" tour, room by room. today we will be starting with the living room.

it is the first impression of the house and a great place for a good afternoon read. i just wish i could take credit for the amazing red and pink fireplace, but sadly those props go to the Malawi Housing Authority (yes that's the Malawi gov't). bravo!

enjoy the tour.

p.s. if you haven't read "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" by now...do yourself a favor and READ IT!

more rooms to come...

chik’n and green beanpasta in a white sauce

This recipeis good for 2 small stomaches (or a cute dinner guest wearing hot pink shorts!) or 1 really hungry person!

Ingedigents½ cup "chik'n" soya (TVP)

½ cup greenbeans (snapped)

3 cloves garlic(minced)

1 cup spaghettinoodles

2 tablespoons butter (the more youadd the more flavor you’ll have but at least to cover the beans)

1 cup of milk or(substitute, I used powered milk)

1 tablespoon flour

Italian seasonings(oregano, thyme, basil, etc.) al gusto

Salt & Pepper algusto

-------------------------------------

*Boil your noodles (I like mine a little al dente) theclassic test is to throw the noodle on the wall and if it sticks then it’sREADY!*Melt butter in pan.*When butter is melted add minced garlic and snapped beans,let simmer for a few minutes

*Add flour and mix into bean/garlic sauté well, let cook fora few minutes (keep stirring!!)*Add salt, pepper, and seasoning as you like.

*Add TVP and milk (or substitute) and whisk vigorously.*Let simmer until desired thickness!

Buen Provecho!

I decided to stay home this weekend and just enjoy the many splendors of my pioneer mansion. Athough, I should know myself better than to feed such a lofty utopia idea to myself, a hyperactive person by nature. There is only so much I can find to entertainment myself with before the sitting, staring, and contemplating "what the hell am i doing?" thought process begins. Surprisingly, I actually made it till Sunday afternoon when I began to, they said it best in my book, "if you're in a hole, STOP digging" but of course I was beyond bored so I started digging with even more vigor! ha!

important note to reader self: the key to feeling productive/happy/successful/fulfilled while doing development work is to STAY BUSY!!

Then I happened upon this theory: M=EA (Mishap = Excellent Adventure)(found in this book)

Mishap, I thought what a polite way to put my current feelings towards this whole Peace Corps Malawi thing. But then it is a mishap. I never planned this, I never even applied for this position, and actually my site (where I work/live) wasn't even developed prior to my arrival. That to me is the definition of mishap.

So WHY can't I make this into an excellent adventure...life is how we see it.

-------------------

pictures:

1. new wool rug I found at market day for $0.80

2. what happens when I'm bored and find watercolors.

3. new wall art in my bedroom

4. Osborne trying to break into the cook house

5. seeds!! now planted in my veggie garden...keep your fingers crossed.

I was just finishing up researching some maternal healthprograms in surrounding countries when this guy who I had said hello to earlycame up to my office. He asked or rather stated “you’re American, aren’t you?”I said “yes…but how did you know I wasn’t British?” I had only greeted him inChichewa…so I was interested to hear what his cultural cues were…he replied“because you are friendly and like kids.” Huh? Was I wearing my “I love kids”t-shirt today? Anyway, he told me how heloved America (of course!) and he had been to Boston…blah blah blah. He wasfriendly but I was trying to keep the conversations short before he arrived atthe inevitable “I need to find an American wife” line. But he said he had ameeting and was off. Phew! Then a few hours later I was headed into Liwonde fora meeting and waiting for a minibus when this bwana (“boss” or fancy) car pullsup and rolls down the window. It’s my new American loving best friend again. Heasks if I would like a ride, of course. This is saving me 200 kwacha ($1.20), aplethora of personal space violations, and my olfactory system from the unknown.So I hop in forgetting my past hesitations. Plus it’s only 15 minutes, I can dothis! He begins to tell me that he grew up with Americans…"how so?” he tells me“well, Peace Corps volunteers...You’re Peace Corps, right?” So I’m wearing my “Ilove kids and I’m a granola hippie (aka I didn’t shower because we didn’t havewater today) Peace Corps Volunteer” t-shirt. But he goes on to tell me his PeaceCorps story:

He grew up basically as an orphan(a child-headed household) and although he was really successful in school hedidn’t have the money for fees. So Julie, a Peace Corps Education volunteer inNtaja went to visit his house one day to ask why he wasn’t enrolled in classesthis quarter and he told her. So she made an agreement with him that if he keptup his grades she would cover his fees and books. And he did. He did so well hewent on to university to study business. Then successful in his businessendeavors he went on to open his very own orphanage in Ntaja caring for 60children. And just a few years ago he was nominated and elected as a Member ofParliament! No Joke. What a story right?If this guy isn’t a Peace Corps success story I don’t know what is. I wasreally inspired by his story and ashamed of my initial hesitations. The worldis so fascinating when you open yourself up to it.

Side Conversation:When I asked what he was working on he told me he was at thedistrict finalizing a project to build a small bridge just outside of Liwonde.The heavy (late) rains had washed away a crossing bridge that many children usein order to get to school. From which the children were being eaten by thecrocodiles! He seemed remorse, but then this happens during rainy season. Afterthe shock wore off it made me ponder how my perspective of normal colors all myexperiences.

I was sitting in the back of the minibus on my way fromMachinga (where I live) to Liwonde (the next big town where most things are) anormal 15-20min trip that I take almost every other day. But as we werestopping in a small village 3 Amayisgot on the bus, petit serious women with short hair, imported T shirtsadvertising foreign brands and local events in English, wrapped in their chitenjis (2 yards of fabric). Fromtheir eyes they will never see the fight that they were born to fight that wasspeaking so loudly to me on that bus ride. I looked at them and really saw their true bravery andsolidarity.I wondered which one would be pregnant next, who would havepregnancy complications, which one won’t have a skilled attendant at theirbirth, which one has almost died in childbirth, which one is trapped inside ofherself dealing with the fact that sex is demanded of her without consent andwithout choice of the lives to come from it. moments marinatingin my mind,love pouring out of me,connecting to the detached.

Life is precious, and it’s becoming more and more precious everydayI’m here. There is so much I’m adsorbing and its sweet quiet moments like thesethat sneak into my days that allow me to realize all that I’ve seen. Malawi hasn’t tugged at my heart like Ecuador or Mexico,where I love it all. There is too much struggle here to fall in love with thislife. There is no romance in another death. But my heart has been so filledwith admiration for all the immensely powerful Amayis. The Amayi thatcarries hundreds of pounds of pumpkins in plastic sacks hours on a minibus tosell at market for her family, for the Amayithat hikes 3 hours straight up hill to cut down firewood only to carry the 8ftlong logs that I imagine weight 100lbs or more balancing on her head down thatsame hill to then cook the meal for her large, unplanned family (the fertilityrate of Malawi is 7 children/woman!). When I see and an Amayi I will always stop and bow to greet her out of reverence toher thirst for life that I will never tastes. To her powerful feminine power Ihope to foster inside of myself. She answers my trivial frustrations, life is worth is all. The minibus stops again, another Amayi squeezes in and sits next to me with her baby girl slung overher shoulder. I look over at her and those little dark round doe eyes look upat me and she gives me a little smile. Myheart swells in an indescribable way and her Amayi laughs with me, a moment never tasted as sweet . Every woman deservesa choice, a voice, an education, and an empowering birth. Maybe Malawi in allthe confusion and waiting and unattractive rawness of life is really just thepreparation for my birth, the birth of a more vulnerable, humble, andempathetic self.

wowza. I've really been missing Ecuador lately. I miss speaking Spanish. I miss my school kids. I miss patacones. I miss greeting with cheek kisses. I miss queso fresco. I miss dancing!!

This weekend I went to Zomba for a GPS/GIS training that I will be using to map out the Maternal health services within the district. It was really fascinating and brought me a whole new perspective on how spacial information can strengthen health systems. BUT the best part of the weekend was the dance at the local pizzeria (yes! you can get pizza in Zomba, this town is crazy! I'm so glad it's only 30 mins bus ride from my house!). The other the other Response Volunteer (he too served in Ecuador! what are the odds?) was helping dj for the night and after we met a guy from El Salvador!! we made a plan to get merengue music on...the Malawians didn't know what was coming. ha! It was amazing, I didn't realize how MUCH I had missed dancing and merengue music. The El Salvadorian and I conducted a cultural exchange in form of a dance off that ended in everyone creating a circle around us with looks on their face like screamed "what are they doing?!?!?".

It was just want I needed to curb my homesick bug...and maybe a little bit of this for dinner.

much love to you all.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written about work don’t befooled this NOT because I’ve been so busy working as I’m sure you’re thinking. Ha!

Malawian culture although warm is very passive. The concept “ofsaving face” is of utmost importance so coming in as a “timely straight-forward”American it challenging to get a good grasp on the reality of the situation.For example, I will say goodbye to my counterpart at the end of the day and askhim if I will see him the next day, he will say yes and then when I arrive atwork there will be no one around and I will later find out there was a districtmeeting. So many days are spent justfiguring out where my counterpart is. So it has taken 2 months of beggingdistrict workers (my direct field supervisors) to introduce me to local stakeholdersand lots of clueless (oh my behalf) investigating to find a worthy manageable projectfor the now 7 months remaining time frame. Just as I was feeling drained andready to just stay home and homestead for the next 7 months, I had abreakthrough! Peace Corps had arranged a visit because I had expressed the lackof support and work I had, but honestly I didn’t think it was going to encourageanything but bad feelings at the district. But my Supervisor came and met with theHealth Education Officer and the District Health Officer and explain about theResponse program (this should’ve happened before I arrived!) and with myresearch of maternal health providers we came up with the idea of not onlymapping maternal health services but also since there are so many providers inour district and little to no communication between the varying serviceproviders my main focus will be on forming a Maternal health taskforce withimportant stakeholders at various levels. WOW! I’m in love with this idea andthe PC along with the DHO said there was MUCH need and MUCH interest.

Work! Work in Maternal Health! I can’t tell you how rejuvenatingthis day has left me, I feel stimulated again!

Despite the challenges of work I have located the mostamazing nurturing space on the hilltop of Machinga, I have met so many fascinatingpeople (UN Oral Surgeon, tons of PhD students from around the world,Seattle-native working with Village Reach an NGO working on a FREE MaternalHealth Text message program), and find joy in the basic acts of survival (i.e.cooking over fire!).Now off to read, study, and research WHO documents. I havean initial work plan meeting on Monday with the DHO!Much love to you all always.

happy late love day.

i was without power and network, but i was sending much love to you all.

i spent my day the only way i know how...eating mexican food while watching the sunset and candlelight yoga. who knew malawi was going to be so lush?

p.s.

Follow'>http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/3485989/unencumbered-journeysin-the-heart-o?claim=8a2t87u4sz9">Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Sometimes it almost feelslike the wind is knocked out of me when I truly FEEL the fragility of life.Life has been weighing heavy on me, I can feel it all.

It’s so easy to getcomfortable and merely exist (which I always confuse with living). Then like anoverpowering wave I’m knocked down, spun around, pushed into the sandy floor ofthe ocean and dragged into shore. My initial reaction is fear, then pain, andthen I realize that life lies in that very moment. Life makes us so very vulnerableand from there fear creeps into our thoughts and before we know it we havelocked ourselves up so tight we forget what life IS and how it FEELS to shareoneself.Yesterday I felt like I wascrumbling. Reframing my thoughts today I can realize that I’m truly living, exposingmyself to the world and all its intensities.

"This is whenthe magic happens: right when you feel like everything is going wrong, shiftyour attitude to accept that it's actually going right. Our judgments of how wethink our life should be are preventing us from reaching our Highest Potential.If you're going through a storm, hold the belief that it's the perfect stormfor you to be going through and that you've been given everything you need toweather the storm. When the chaos subsides you will experience the Truth thatis forever true; you are always taken care of, exactly where you need to be andyour efforts are rewarded exactly when they need to be. Remember this Truth the next time a storm is on the horizon and youwill grow wings and be able fly right over it and towards the calm waters ofTrust and Love."

- Jackson KiddardI’m alive and grateful for the sun rising this morning, for the bigsilver moon that illuminated my room last night, and for each and every personin my life. For YOU I am thankful.YOU are loved andworthy of life.

"The journey is filled with ups and downs. Don't confuse the two as ever being everlasting. Get up everyday and apply yourself, be authentic, trust your instincts and know that the more you apply yourself the better you get day by day. The day you are waiting for is the day you want to give up, that is when you MUST keep going. That's the barrier between normal and greatness." - Jackson Kiddard

What a whirlwind day, and it’s only 3pm on a Tuesday.

I received a text message from my pseudo-supervisor/co-worker last night saying that he would not be at work today becausesomething had come up in Blantyre (a town about 2 or so hours south of Liwonde).So this morning I sent him a message to say that if he came back in theafternoon just let me know because I have the office key and would stay inLiwonde today for meetings at the hospital. He then responds to say that he wasat the Bi-annual review meeting in Blantyre which I was supposed to be invited.Malawi is beautiful, raw, and alive. The challenges I facehere are so different than Ecuador. In Ecuador I was refusing invitations tomeetings because everyone wanted the token gringa at their meeting, yet here inMalawi the last invited (if I even get invited). History and culture can easilypaint the picture of why this is, but still it’s hard not to compare or take itpersonally.

This morning I read abeautiful quote about love (via icecreamisbetterwithafork.tumblr.com):

“It isa mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery how it happens. It is a mysterywhen it comes. It is a mystery why some loves grow, and it is a mystery whysome loves fail. You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes,but you will never do any more than take the life out of the experience.

Love ismore than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalities that twopeople share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its time,the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot bequestioned in its ways.

You need to treat what love brings you with kindness. If you find yourself inlove with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothingwrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.

If you find someone else in love with you toward whom you feel no love, feelhonored that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift youcannot return. Do not take advantage; do not cause pain. How you deal with loveis how love will deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains andjoys, even if our lives and ways are very different.

If you fall in love with another who falls in love with you, and then lovechooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame. Let it go. Thereis a reason and there is a meaning. You will know it in time, but time itselfwill choose the moment.

Remember this and keep it in your heart. You don’t choose love. Love choosesyou. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes intoyour life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give itaway. Give it back to the person who brought it to you. Give it to others whoseem poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can.

Love has its own time, its own season, and its own reasons for coming andgoing. You cannot bribe it or coerce it or reason it into staying. If itchooses to leave your heart or the heart of your lover, there is nothing youcan do and nothing you should do. Be glad that it came to live for a moment inyour life. If you keep your heart open, it will surely come again."

- Kent Nerbern

I chewed on these words all day, but it wasn’t until the afternoonthat I could actually taste them. I was walking intotown and happened upon a group of school children who froze in the middle of the road with their big doe eyes waiting tosee what would happen next…so I give them the usual response “Bo!” (This isactually short for Bonjour, of all the oddest things!) their faces melt into ahuge smiles and their dark hopeful eyes light up like they’ve been waiting allday for the Azungu (foreigner) to sayhello. My heart swells. Continuing on to the hospital, a woman sitting in theMaternity ward catches my eye and I smile and continue on, then on my way outshe peeks her head out of the door and grabs my hand with both of hers, holdingon so very tight and with the warmest eyes says “thank you.” I’m not sure to what she was referringor if she knew any other English but I was grateful for her love. Then walking backhome I passed an older gentleman who was biking into town and mid-hill stopsand gets off his bike to formally greet me. I am grateful for his love.

I really connected with this part of the quote, “Love is more than thesum of the interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share.And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its time, the comingof love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in itsways.”

Instead of focusingon the where I’m not receiving love I need to reframe my perspective. Today I’mconsciously grateful for all the love I am given here in Malawi because when Itruly open my eyes I can see a magnitude of love.

Can be difficult with the much delayed rainy season the onlyguaranteed produce at the Liwonde market is tomatoes and onions. On a good dayyou might find some of the following: carrots, cucumbers, cabbage, eggplant,green peppers, okra, and soon there will be avocados!! But those aren’t mostdays. So every night is a bitchallenging. Kate and I often make spaghetti with a tomato sauce, bean tacoswith salsa, and vegetable curries. All of which are good choices but I LOVEcooking so I need some new “go-to” eats.

Any ideas from the foodies out there?!?! So Tuesday is marketday. That is the one day you can be sure that you’ll have better luck with produceas people bring in their goods from surrounding villages. This week I foundokra and lots of it!! If only my Nana was here to fry some up in cornmeal (inmy opinion that’s the most legit way of enjoying okra!). And I found eggplants.Yum yum! So I thought HOW can I use both?? Okra, eggplant, andtomato curry over quinoa

1 Tbsp olive oil1 red onion, slicedthinly

1 Tbsp curry powder

1 tsp turmeric

2 tsp ground ginger(or use fresh if you have it)

3 cups okra, cut into1/2" pieces

2 small graffitieggplants, diced

2 large tomatoes,diced

1 Tbsp tamarindconcentrate

salt and pepper totaste

3 cups cooked quinoa*(or rice)Heat oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add onion andsaute until it gets tender. Stir in curry powder, turmeric, and ginger, andcook for an additional minute. Then add okra, eggplant, tomato, and tamarindconcentrate, stir well, cover, and cook until okra and eggplant are tender(about 15 min). Add salt and pepper to taste and serve over quinoa. Serves 4.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rajah is a staple Malawian spice!

I found this gem of a recipe here! And surprisingly I hadEVERYTHING needed for this recipe (except quinoa. I hope everyone stateside isgorge themselves on my behalf. Honestly quinoa is amazing and I miss itdearly!!). It was delish! And I bought an apron for 30 cents!

I love market days!

Today I had a scheduled meeting with the Health EnvironmentOfficer and an assortment of Health Extension Workers at 8am to pitch my workplan (again!). I arrived at 8am only tofind no one there, 8:30am still nothing, and finally at 9am he arrived. An hourwait now really doesn’t feel like much of anything – I actually use it toprepare for the meeting (this is NOT a good habit to have formed about only 2months. Ekk.) I met with Richard (HEO), and realized that he thought I wasgoing to start training the Health Extension Workers on GPS TODAY! Wow. Forgetformalities, this guy is ready to WORK. I explained to him that I feel it would bebest to first present the project objectives to see if there was interest withthe workers, but he assured me that if the DHO liked the idea then it was fine –they would be interested. My Peace Corps “bottom up” development ideas are screechingat this!! But ok so I ask him what is our next step…after several long pausesand a lot of silence he finally decides I should meet the Health AdministrationOfficer. Who warmly welcomes me to Malawi and Machinga District(this is acommon theme honestly I can’t remember one professional encounter that hasn’tincluded someone telling me “you are most welcome to Malawi”), he loves theidea of mapping the Maternal Health Services within the district and sends usto meet with the Reproductive Health Officer and the Prevention of Mother toChild Transmission Officer. Phew! It feels like a PR tour, but Richard (theHealth Environment Officer) is a champ go-getter and so willing to introduce meto the key players in the district (this is going to be SO helpful).

The hospital feels like a maze with odd signs written in poorEnglish, we head towards the Maternity Ward. Taking a left into a dark narrowhallway, on my left I peek into a room with only a bench and a gymnastic mat onthe ground filled to the brim with VERY pregnant women. It’s very common forwomen from the villages to come weeks before their “due date” to wait. Due tomany variables including laws, transport, lack of access to services, etc. thegov’t encourages women to come and WAIT. Can you imagine? We continue down thehall and I’m all of a sudden encompassed by 15 or so Malawian Mamas breastfeedingtheir BRAND new babies (I’m assuming these babes were born today!!), the Mamasare uniformed in nothing more than their chintenjis (2 yards of fabric) wrappedaround them like a towel.

I’m overwhelmed, my body is reacting to all these things, I’mafraid – anxious – I actually thought for a second maybe I should just turnaround! Much like the first time you attempt to do a back float in water, youcan’t let go of the control and the fear of the water’s ability to hold you.You kick and flutter trying to “help” yourself while you’re sinking. It’s onlywhen you let go and trust the water can you float with such ease you wonderwhat took you so long to figure this out. This was me today, kicking andsplashing the water - drowning. I recognized these feelings. I had the verysame rock in the pit of my stomach feeling this past October when I was blessedwith the opportunity to do a 24-hour rotation at Maternidad La Luz Birth Center/Midwiferyschool. Late in the afternoon the Midwife pulled me into the birth room andthere was Sarahi almost crowning and I for a second I wanted to run out of theroom. Birth was too much. It was so all consuming I couldn’t handle it. I could’velooked away but birth grabs you whether you are looking or not, it holds youtight until you surrender. I surrendered and witness the most beautifulmiracle, Joshua’s birth.

Walking into meet the Reproductive Health Officer we found herin Cherokee purple scrubs and a plastic apron that looked like something youwould see in a cafeteria. She was a quiet and guarded woman. I have found in my2 months that the key to successful meetings lies in the awkward silences. Iintroduced myself and the project objectives – but Maureen (RHO) still didn’tseem very interested. So Richard asked her if she had any information to share,she said no. I add more to the project background to maybe spark something, butnothing. -silence- We asked if Women are still birthing at home with TraditionalBirth Attendants and slowly she began to share that a few area still haveworking TBAs,- more silence- Actually most of the district has several workingTBAs. -More silence- Then she told us that there was Maternal Health SupportGroups that assisted Women with their Pre/Ante-Natal care as well as Birth ortransportation to the Health Center – but those group are no longer meeting.Success!

Maybe this project idea is needed. Maybe there will befruitful work for me in the next 7 months to come. Maybe I still have a lot ofknowledge to gain. Maybe once again I will learn that listen will teach youmore that speaking.

After all these feelings and flashes I realized that myjourney to this point has been a winding (sometime uncertain feeling) roadbecause I’ve been afraid and fearful. Birth has grabbed my life and I didn’t wantto accept it – I want a 9-5 job, I want to plan a schedule, I want to haverelaxing nights – but birth has chosen me. Today I began to accept my path, mycalling, I’m surrendering.

What a beautiful day! I’m grateful.Much love to you and yours.

a

this is what a wild and crazy friday night looks like in liwonde town.last night i was awoken by these weird vibrations under my head and I thought oh my goodness it's an earthquake! but then I realized only my head was moving so i just assumed it was a weird dream but when i laid down again there were the same vibrations...it was a little mouse crawling below my mattress. i was hoping it had kindly let itself out today but i just saw it scurry across the living room floor...i guess it's time to adopt a cat.

but it's friday (and a three day weekend to boot) and my whole wheat (or brown bread as they call it here) cinnamon, ginger, cardamon cake is just coming out of the oven! yum!

happy weekend to you all.

much love to you and yours.

a

Alright, this might be a little premature to be loftily announcingmy proposed work plan after only two initial meetings, but I’m hoping that bysending it into the universe it will help it to actualize!

I used my day of being stood up to network around town andto make an appointment to meet the District Health Officer (DHO) this week with his Secretary, Efah a supercute 20-something wearing a ruffled top and black skinny jeans. We asked herabout her holiday and she was all excited to tell us about her trip to the lakewith her Fiancé (we even got invited to her wedding in June). (Side note: Theonly thing I’ve heard about a Malawian wedding is they are expensive! Thetradition is while the Bride and Groom are dancing they will call up guests tothrow money at the bride and groom and you have to keep throwing money untilthey call someone else. I better start collecting small bills now. Ha-ha.) Soshe gave me an appointment for today at 9:30am. I arrived this morning at exactly 9:30 expecting to wait a few hours butwithin 2 minutes I was called back to see the DHO (who is totally my age! Weird.).My technical job description is to assess the HIV/AIDS programs throughout thedistrict but with my passion for maternal health and the knowledge that Malawi’smaternal mortality rate is extremely high (the highest outside of war ridden countries),1 out of 36 Women will die during childbirth in Malawi. This needs to be made apriority and I want it to me my focus. So I pitched me idea piggy backing offof another volunteer project in a neighboring district. The project was to mapall the Traditional Birth Attendants, Health Centers, and Hospitals whileassessing the services provided. The neighboring district has used this informationto receive funding for Bicycle Ambulances and to provide further training forthe Traditional Birth Attendants. This would be a dream of mine! The DHO beinga typical Malawian was very polite and said that he liked the idea (Malawianfind it hard to say no). But with the fuel crisis it seems like a majorchallenge to be mobilized and out to the villages so the DHO sent me to speakwith the Environment Health Officer whom is in charge of the community mobilizers. So supposedly I have a meeting with theCMs on January 17th at 8am. Keep your fingers crossed!!There are many obstacles and variables to manage but I’m soexcited to be able to give my time and energy to maternal health while I amhere!!

Much love to you and yours.a

Work recap:

Day one was spent in the office working on a work plan bymyself while the others were in “important AND private” meeting. Umm…ok I’lljust be here waiting for a few hours or until someone gives me a ride home. BUTPeace Corps is working on my housing lease as we speak. Wahoo!! Maybe I willget my very own house?!?! Successful Monday!

Day two, my neighbor who drove me home last night said he wouldcome find me sometime in the morning so I was all ready to go around 7:45 andsat on the front step reading anticipating his quick arrival…8:00 (normal worktime, nothing)…this book is good…8:30..no signs of anyone should I call?? No, Idon’t want to be the time crazy American…plus I’m almost done with this book…9:00..okthis is late I’ll text the guy…9:15…Oh! He’s already at work, took publictransport but failed to notify me...

So what does a girl do after being stood up?? Do laundry(score! I don’t have to wait until the weekend!), make guacamole (because whywouldn’t you???), and then indulge in another cup of Thomas Hammer coffee,while eating guacamole on toast, and read a travel memoir about living in Indiaand sympathizing with her stories of sweating, sweating, and more sweating! Tuesday just got a whole lot better!!

Can you believe the size of that pit?? wowza. And now that I have a well-loved wooden counter top I too can pretend to be Heidi Swanson, swoon!!!

I forgot how many books you read in the Peace Corps! Ha! Oneof the books I’m reading right now is, Meditations from the Mat, it’s reallyhelping me to start my days connected and balanced. Two days ago I read thisquote and I’ve been holding on to it:

“There is a river flowing now, very fast. It is so great andswift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to theshore. They will feel they are being torn apart and suffer greatly. Know thatthe river has its destinations. The elders say we must push off into the middleof the river, keep our eyes open and our heads above water. See who is in therewith you and celebrate. At this time in history we are to take nothingpersonally, least of all ourselves, for the moment we do that, our spiritualgrown comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves;banish the word “struggle” from your attitude and vocabulary. All that we donow must be done in a sacred way in celebration. We are the ones we’ve beenwaiting for.” Hopi ElderI can’t seem to stop thinking about these words; they are soheavy, fruitful, and direct. I believe that the universe has it’s time and thisis JUST the time I needed to hear these things. When I was standing on theshore I loved just gazing at the river and imagining what it would be like tofully experience it, letting go of it all. Yet here I am again holding on sovery tight enjoying the view with only my toes in the water; I’m giving all mylove to what is not. This is my pathway, my time, my truth…I choose to be morepresent and give love to what is here and let go of the rest. I am the one I’vebeen waiting for (and I need to remind myself of this daily!).

In less existential news, I had this friendly visitor on laundry day. Can you see him in the first picture? We chatted for a bit and then he crawled up into the mango tree never to be seen again. And today marks the official last day of my extended holiday. Off to work bright and early tomorrow! I'll be pitching my work plan to my Supervisor...I'll keep you posted.

much love to you and yours.a

Happy New Year! I have just returned from a long butadventurous 2 weeks of travel. I met up with the other Response volunteers that arrived two weeksbefore me in Dedza. It was great to meetand share about our sites and work plans. They are all returned Peace Corpsvolunteers from Thailand, Caribbean, South Africa and Cameroon. We celebratedwith homemade cheese, Peach Coffee Cake, Gnocchi, and sugar cookies! It was awonderful day full of eating.

mustache sugar cookies.

Then we headed further north to nkhotakota. We split into two groups and took our places on the road outside of Lilongwe hoping to get a hitch before our competing team did, but after only 5 minutes Jessica (another volunteer) sent us a text message saying there were coming to pick us up. A private ride for all 5 of us! It seemed too good to be true! Emmanuel, our driver lives in the north and was just on his way back home after dropping his Swedish/British Wife off at the airport. Did we ever luck out! It was an eventful ride teaching him how to play 20 questions and watching him search for black market fuel after coasting downhill in neutral. Phew! But we made it! We stayed at Sani Lodge, the “lodge” was located 6km south of the BOMA (the town) and 4 km off the main road. We arrived to find that the water pump wasn’t working and no other guests were staying at the lodge. With the increase popularity of other beach towns and the fuel crisis tourism has greatly been affected all over the country. We camped 100 feet away from the lake and spent out last days of 2011 swimming in the warm, clear blue waters of lake Malawi .

Then after a few days we headed even further northto Nkhata Bay (one of the most, if not the most touristy locations on thelake). The northern region of Malawi is drastically less populated and landscapetransforms from the flat crops lands of the south to electric green rollinghills. It’s really beautiful especially during the rainy season! We swameveryday and indulged ourselves in cardamom pancakes every morning. There was agroup of about 50 other volunteers and even a few PC volunteers from Zambiathat rang in the new year dancing to Prince’s “Party like it’s 1999”. It was a fabulousnew year’s!

kids on the beach running from the camera!! haha.I’m now home in Liwonde enjoying my last few days ofvacation before the real work begins. Peace Corps made a trip down to talk withmy direct field supervisor and investigate a housing option. I’ve enjoyed theslow easy transition into Malawi, but I ready to dive into these next 8 months!much love to you and yours,a

The holidays are here and I’m embarking upon a great ‘amazingrace’ rendition here in Malawi with my fellow response volunteers. I’m headingout of Liwonde today and up to Dedza (it’s cooler there! Woohoo!!) to spend the25th. We will be celebrating with homemade cheese (cheese is a treathere!!) and a classy white elephant gift exchange. Then we will be northward bound heading towardthe lake but to spice it up a bit we will be splitting up into pairs andhitching north in an ‘amazing race’ style. Each group will be relying on people’sgoodwill and a bartering system (no money allowed) to get us from Dedza toNkhata Bay during which will be have to find objects to photograph along theway…it’s a steep challenge but I think it’s a good way to wrap up 2011.

Sending you all the warmest wishes during this holidayseason! No matter what name you put on it, however you celebrate it I hope youspend it with loved ones and use it as a reminder to be grateful for thebeautiful life we have and for another day to explore, learn, and striveforward.

I’m grateful for allthe unselfish love I have received here in Malawi that has allowed me to feelwelcome and comfortable. I’m grateful for a life that grants me freedom to livean adventurous life. I’m grateful for a family that encompasses me with love nomatter how many times I test it. And I’m grateful for each and every one of youin my life. You propel me forward everyday with your positive thoughts, goodenergy, and support. And so much more…

Merry “Charlie Brown” Christmas from Malawi.

I received an e-mail today that contained the quote “whateveryou resist, persists ” (carl jung) I’m assuming the universe was sending methis message referring to the mosquitoes in my life or maybe the unbearable Africansunshine sizzling my pacific northwest winter body, right?

I’m sweating at 8:30pm and just took my 2ndshower…I’m tempted to take a 3rd, my feet are swollen and burning fromall the mosquito bites, and I’ve just discovered some unidentifiable flying thingin the house. I’m resisting the decision that brought me here tonight. This isreally my first night alone since I arrived to Malawi. I’ve been lucky to havebeen bombarded by warm and overflowing Peace Corps Volunteers on my journeythus far and then falling into the house of Kate. But Kate and a few otherVolunteers have started their holiday trek to Mozambique today and here I am,home alone. Too much time alone always hits me like strong overpowering waves filledwith the highs and lows of the day. I finally met the District Planning and Development Officer(the guy that agreed to accept a volunteer aka my boss) and he gave me 5 minsto listen to personal nothings and then he had something else “urgent” tohandle so I was push off on the District AIDS Commissioner. Who dragged me to sit-inon an all day Child Protection Meeting which was all in Chichewa (I understood about0.5% of the entire meeting). AND did I mention I’m sweating at 8:30pm??

But on the other hand when the DAC picked me up in themorning he automatically took me to speak with my potential landlord and evencalled Peace Corps for me to clarify the logistics. Whoa! And on my walk to themarket I met this tired sweaty sour smelling man who was pushing his bike (whichwas loaded with what looked like 100 lbs of corn) on the sweltering hot highway.He was coming from another surrounding village. He had left the village at 11amand it was now 4:40pm!! My mouth dropped open but he just smiled a huge Malawiansmile reassuring me was almost home and he would rest then and preceded toexcitingly ask me where I was from and how I liked Liwonde. There are beautiful people and beautiful challenges in thisworld. This is my challenge right now, to keep my western organized timelyschedule calculated mind out of the game for awhile and stop resisting thechallenge. I choose to live, love, and let the universe take its course. Ugh!!

Much love to you and yours.a

American: Did you watch the football game today?Malawian: Yes! It was great.American: Oh! Your team won? Nice.Malawian: No, we did not win but we played very well.American: Err…that’s great?

note to reader: This is a CLASSIC Malawian conversation.

I’m sweating in bed tonight listening to the rains andChristmas songs, with all the changes in the past two weeks it seems like Iforgot that Christmas is a week away!! So weird. This will definitely be thehottest Christmas of my life!!

So I finally left Lilongwe. After training and then waitingto get fuel for the Peace Corps transport, I ended up staying in Lilongwe 3extra days. By the time that Wednesday rolled around I was good and ready toleave Lilongwe. It wasn’t always the capital (it used to be Zomba) and for thatreason it feels much like a village they have tried to create into a capital. Thetown is terribly spread out and makes it mandatory to own a vehicle or rely onpublic transit. We headed out late afternoon to Dedza for a PC training. We only spent one night there in a Forestrycollege with the other 20 Education volunteers. It was great to meet morevolunteers. Dedza district was breathtaking. I’m lucky enough to arrive duringrainy season; the passing scenery was lush and radiating. We went for a walk toa nearby village the following afternoon and honestly I was in awe with what Isaw. It felt like I had stepped into aNat’l Geo magazine, the rolling hillsidescattered with brick/mud house with thatched roofs, the fields of corns for asfar as the eye could see, the passing girls with buckets of water on theirheads, and children yelling “Azungu!!!” (foreigner) as we passed. Then Thursdaywe made it to Liwonde. And my first impression is, HOT HOT HOT. It’s almostindescribable how HOT it really is, the sun burns your skin and the 90%humidity leaves you sticky even minutes after a shower. My new site mate/temproommate Kate is a ER Nurse from D.C. She’s full of energy and really warm. Thenext challenges are trying to find housing and do some work before the holidaybreak!

Malawi is gorgeousand I am grateful.

It's overcast today and I can hear the thunder in the distance, people are hopeful. Rainy season was suppose to start in November but I've only seen 2 showers in my week here. It's planting time and if the rain doesn't come soon farmers are going to really worry about their crops. One of Malawi's biggest cash crops is tobacco, but the tobacco market has really fallen in the recent years and being a low-quality tobacco at that it, the fall has been felt hardest here. The government is now encouraging farmers to switch their crops to cotton but when you are born of a tobacco growing family, it's not an easy change. You lose the priceless knowledge, traditions, and heritage.

It's hard to be in Malawi right now. It feels like a country at it's wit's end for several reasons all at once. One, being a land-locked country it relies on others to manufacture things - groceries are brought in from South Africa!! You can easily tell if the shipment has arrived to the grocery store just by looking at the shelves (empty or not!) It's hard for me to know if this is the normal and I'm just acclamating or it is really getting worse? But people say it's been getting worse. One major reason is that due to Malawi's conservative nature (i.e. not acknowledging high-risk groups: MSM and Sex workers) foreign aid has been withheld for going on 3 years!! And with no foreign currency here there is no money to buy fuel so we are currently in a major crisis! Everyday people are waiting patiently for fuel, sometimes missing work waiting in line, some are sleeping over, and others are just parking their cars. The lines run miles long. Taxi drivers and mini-bus drivers are relying on the black market to be able to purchase fuel. With the current rate of fuel being 5,000Kwacha/ 5 liters (that's about $30/5 liters) transportations rates have double!! Which is just a domino effect on everything!

But despite it all and maybe because of it all Malawians are happy, hopeful, and selflessly loyal to one another. I feel grateful for this opportunity to learn and experience life in another way.



much love to you and yours.

a

p.s. Our fuel is in and I'm off to site!!!!